A Self Insert Gone Horribly Wrong
…And that, my friend, is how you use commas and semicolons to insure the flow of your story is unhampered.” I said to my computer-or more specifically-the guy’s icon (A rather seductive Rainbow Dash at that) on the screen of my computer. I was just finishing up a Skype Call with a fan of mine overseas.
“Thank you so much, Syn3rgy!” The voice came through my headphones in a sea of static; we didn’t have the greatest connection, but it was definitely sufficient enough for the lesson I’d taught.
I must admit, when the person you’re teaching is actually eager to learn, and doesn’t think I’m the guy they just have to talk to to become the best writer, things go smoothly and I thoroughly enjoy the lessons.
“Now I can finish that self-insert clopfic with me and Rainbow Dash, you know the one where I fall into the Everfree Forest and Fluttershy finds me and….” he began.
I tuned him out and shook my head, smiling to myself. What an overused plot line! When he had finished reciting the whole of his dry outline, I cut back in, gazing in an offhand way at my clock. It was late.
“Listen bud, it was a pleasure talking to you, but I’ve got to go. In my time zone, it’s getting pretty close to my bed time.”
The stream of verbal exuberance stopped, coming back on a new tangent. “Ok. Again, thank you Syn3rgy. I’d best grab some dinner anyhow; damn ponies keeping me from eating or drinking!”
“Alright, dude, pleasure talking. See ya.”
“See ya.”
And then I hung up, and the silence of my room pressed in on me. Looking around for a second, I opened up my half-finished word document-a new story I was going to drop on FIM FIC-and put my fingers on the keyboard…
…My eyes opened. Was it morning already? I squinted against the glare, I smelt… dew? Huh, how did I end up outside, and since when did dew have a smell? Questions on questions... I then rose, got up and looked around. But the thing is, I didn’t want to, it was as if I’d suddenly lost control of my body, or grew marionette strings. I was walking forwards, but I wasn’t, I was being controlled.
When I awoke I realized I was in a forest. How did I get here? And then I realized I was in Equestria!
Wait, what? The voice, where was it coming from?
I was in the Everfree Forest, and I could see Fluttershy’s house in the distance. She hadn’t seen me, because she was in her front lawn with Angle Bunny and her back was turned. I could see her plot.
I looked up, but didn’t, my eyes were still pointing forwards, ever forwards at a Fluttershy with a rather accented plot. In the sky, I saw letters and words.
Groggily, I walked over to her small house, and Angle Bunny turned and stared and then hid and Fluttershy turned and stared at me and smiled and then welcomed me to Equestria.
“I have some other friends that would want to see you. You’re a rather strange creature.” She said and I smiled.
Uh! The punctuation was horrendous at the end of that sentence; everyone knows that a period at the end of a spoken line needs to be a comma, if the following out-of-quotation sentence is describing that spoken line!
She smiled back and then Pinkie Pie knocked on the door and Fluttershy didn’t know who was at the door so she went to it and opened it and Pinkie was there, smiling really big.
“Oh!” she said, “I’ve never met you before. I know all the ponies in Ponyville. But I don’t know you, what are you?”
That damn line Pinkie Pie always seems to say in those lame self inserts! I looked incredulously at the words that had projected themselves on the horizon line. It seemed as though through some fluke, I’d ended up in a story of sorts, a shitty one at that.
“I’m a Human.” I said. “I fell into Equestria through a portal that opened up in my computer, and I ended up in the Everfree Forest!”
“The Everfree Forest!” they both said at the same time.
God… really? The Everfree Forest? How predictable!
“The Everfree Forest is a scary place.” Pinkie Pie said with a frown. “But Zecora is brave, did you see her?”
Little did Pinkie know that Zecora was one of my favorite secondary characters.
“No, I said sadly.
Hey, hey writer, you seem to have forgotten a damn quotation mark! I yelled silently, as my voice seemed to be preoccupied with spewing out generic one shot lines that were oh-so-bland.
“Well that’s ok,” Fluttershy said with a smile. “Would you like some tea? I herd (ha, get the pun?) that the extremely sexy CLoPerBronyXXX will be paying a visit to me some time, and Twilight Sparkle as well.
And just when I thought this story had hit rock bottom, this shit happens. Who Inserts an OC with such a stupid name into a story? At least take the time to develop a believable OC. I swear, If xzeno was here, he’d throw a fit!
“Oh, I’d love to meet them.” I said, and smiled. Do you know when they will be coming?”`
“Yes, they should be coming right now.” Fluttershy said.
Then there was a knock on the door, and Twilight Sparkle walked in with hoof-socks and a collar, followed by CLoPerBronyXXX, who was smiling. He had a cutie mark of burning skulls, and his coat was red and orange.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…
His mane was black though, like a normal ponies, and he was a bit taller than Twilight. He had blue eyes and a black tail.
Uuuuuuuuuuck
“Hello, I am CLoPerBronyXXX, or for short, CLoPer and this is my mate Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name and what are you?” he asked with a smile.
Odd, the text, now cast on the ceiling, had turned red; another person imputing possibly?
“I’m a Human! I fell through a portal in my computer and ended up in Equestria” I said, and smiled back.
“You look pretty tough, have you bucked trees with Applejack?” I asked.
“I’ve done more than buck trees… Applejack loves me as well. But yes, I’m a little bit stronger than Applejack, even though I am a Unicorn.”
“Oh! I’m so horny!” Twilight moaned, tugging her collar.
Twilight turned and smiled at me. “It’s nice to meet you, has Pinkie Pie met you?”
I shook my head. “No she hasn’t…” My words were stopped as a knocking on the door started up.
So what, disappearing Pinkie Pie is now fannon? Pathetic.
“I’ll get it,” Fluttershy said.
In flew Rainbow Dash, and after doing a loop-de-loop, she landed perfectly in front of me. Her wings were flared because she was probably aroused because Rainbow Dash was very sexual because she was in heat.
Ok, what?! Who in their right mind would fail so momentously at pacing! I mean, if you’re gonna add some sexual elements in, at least be subtle!
“Are you a Spy?” she said. “You don’t look like a pony. What are you?”
“No…”
Wait, wait, let me guess. ‘I’m a Human….’
“…I fell through a portal in my computer and ended up in Equestria.”
For the first time, the words this crudely created self-insert I was stuck in lined up with what I actually wanted to say.
“That’s cool.” Rainbow Dash said, putting on her shades. “Hey Shy, I’ve got to ‘pay a visit’ to Applejack, we have some ‘chores’ to do. Do you two want to come?” she talked to me and CLoPer. We both nodded.
“Alright, cool, keep up if you can.” She boasted, dashing out of Fluttershy’s house in ten seconds flat. We ran to catch up with her, but we started falling behind! Eventually, I was too tired to run, and CLoPer stopped and asked me why I was slowing down. I explained to him I was tired.
Not only was that paragraph way to fast, but what about Twilight, or Fluttershy. No bye for them? Wasn’t Twilight CLoPers mate? This is ridiculous.
On our way through town, because we had lost Rainbow Dash, and planned to find the right way to Sweet Apple Acres by asking around, we stopped by Rarities boutique, and there was odd noises coming from it. We knocked on the door, but when there was no answer, we walked in.
(AN: OK guys, the next part is Mature because of Sex between Rarity and Spike, so if you don’t like that, just skip. :p)
Oh, wonderful! A goddamn author’s note. I can’t… no, no I’m done here. I sat back (even though I was still standing in the body) and braced for impact. My hopes were not high; I just wanted this nightmare to end.
When he opened the door Rarity was moaning because she was aroused because Spike was on top of her stroking her pussy. She, as Rainbow Dash, was in heat as well and since Twilight no longer needed his ‘assistance’ because the unicorn CLoPerBronyXXX could ‘server her now’, he was all alone, but he loved Rarity, and since Rarity was best pony, and was in love with CLoPerBronyXXX as well, and he had asked Rarity to take Spike in, and she had.
When Rarity saw CLoPerBronyXXX she picked Spike up and made him leave so that he could ‘play’ (:p) with the Cutie Mark Crusaders and then she called CLoPerBronyXXX over to her sopping pussy and smeared some of the fluids on his muzzle. He loved when she did that, and returned with his own fluids when he kissed her deeply. She moaned in arousal in his mouth as her tongue fought his lovingly. He suddenly brought his hoof down to stroke at Rarities pussy, and he could feel the heat there, which was very hot. She moaned and rubbed against his erect stallion cock because she realized it was erect and ready to be please. Rarity, being a slave to CLoPerBronyXXX and loved being submissive to her master began to suck on his dick deeply and CLoPerBronyXXX moaned deeply and thrust in her muzzle deeply. Just as he was about to come, the door swung open… and in stepped Twilight Sparkle! She was crying because she was sad that CLoPerBronyXXX had cheated on her. CLoPerBronyXXX was surprised that she had followed him.
“Why did you follow me?” CLoPerBronyXXX asked, afraid.
“Because I love you!” Twilight said, crying. “Why did you cheat on me CLoPer, I thought we had something special.”
“We did!” CLoPerBronyXXX said, crying. “But I’m now tired, I’ve been with you for a year! We have to move on.”
Twilight Sparkle nodded sadly and began to walk out of the door. “I understand. I’ll always love you though, CLoPer.” And then she was gone.
“We should leave now.” CLoPerBronyXXX said, turning to the Human.
“Yes” I said, Rainbow Dash is still probably waiting for us at Sweet Apple Acres. I then turn to Rarity, who was also crying because she thought CLoPerBronyXXX was all hers.
“Bye Rarity.” She waved a hoof at me and continued crying.
“Let’s go CLoPer.” I said, and we left to Sweet Apple Acres.
TO BE CONTINUED!
What a horrible experience. What’s more, this writer, in his silly attempt to provide a suspenseful cliffhanger, failed epically!
The scene began to fade, pixelating and breaking apart. Soon, all that was left was depthless darkness. I waited to be returned to my home, and waited, and waited. The thing is, I wasn’t going, and though I could move freely around now, the marionette string being severed, I could go nowhere. For all I knew, I was walking in a circle. And then the words appeared, searing white against the black backdrop.
AN: Hi guys! This is my first story, and I’d like some criticism, but not too harsh please. :)
Special thanks to CLoPerBronyXXX for his awesome addition to the story!
~Syn3rgy
And then everything fell into place, and my heart dropped, and I woke up. I picked up my keyboard, having experienced years of use, and began to type. Everyone has to start somewhere, I suppose.
Author's Note
I hope you all enjoyed, if you even made it this far...
I had way too much fun writing this. Well, back to seriousness.
Originally posted on 10/01/2013
