Natural Born Ponies

by Traumkampfer

Rating: mature
Tags: Rarity, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Sex, Tragedy, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Zecora, Alternate Universe, Romance, Original Character
Length: 20369

The story of Hanz Von Stickyhooves and Pinkamena Diane Pie as they go about their lives in a much darker version of Equestria.

The story of Hanz Von Stickyhooves as he grows up in Hoofenstein, and later gets to venture into Ponyville as an ambassador, where he meets Pinkamena Diane Pie and all the other residents of this darker-than-normal version of Equestria.

Published 2013-01-11 06:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-11 06:00:02 UTC

Stickyhooves Rising

Chapter I: Stickyhooves Rising

Ahhh, my Fatherland, Hoofenstein.

I was born an above-average sized dark grey unicorn with a blond mane and blue eyes in a small village in the Reinland region of Hoofenstein, to my lovely mother, an average sized brown unicorn mare with a long, blond mane named Beatrix Stickyhooves and my father, a strong, tall grey earth pony stallion with a brown mane by the name of Luther Hidemann. Since we lived in a small village, my mother home-schooled me when I was a young colt, and taught me what I needed to know for the simple village life. My father was a tanner, and let me help him out in the shop, which prepared me for my future life that was to come, working in the family business.

When I grew into a young stallion, it became my time to start up my own branch of the family business, as was our custom. So, I decided to become a glue maker, because life was much different in Hoofenstein than it is here in Ponyville. Glue was in high demand for loads of different products, and there was never enough supply because so few ponies were willing to do the job of making it.... I never could figure out why. After my Glue business took off, my family and I could afford to move to the big city, Brandinburg, and boy, let me tell you, the ponies in the big city were so different from us.

We had a hard time fitting in at first. The city ponys were much bigger, nearly as big as I am! And much less friendly, I could never understand why they shunned the Pegusi like they did.....at least, at first I couldn’t. There were signs at most places saying that Pegusi were not allowed, though it only made me happy, since I’m not one of them. We opened up our new shop in the middle of town, near the market area so that we would have plenty of customers, especially with only one other competitor in our field. While setting up my shop, I didn’t see why Pegusi were bad, so I never put up a "No Pegusi" sign, which I thought would increase business, and it did at first.

But only a few weeks after I opened up my business, some strange ponies from a new party were elected, and they called themselves the "Maremacht". After they were elected, I noticed that the guard ponies looked a lot more intimidating and they started dressing like old roman ponies, complete with those silly hats.
Soon after, my shop started losing all of its business, until one of the guard ponies gave me a "No Pegusi" sign to put up under order from the commerce committee and when I did, my customers came back, and I was so happy!

I didn’t really like the Maremacht at first, until one day when the leader graced my store with his presence.....a rather short white earth pony with a black mane, wearing shutter shades with our country’s flag as his cutie mark. He said: "Is this the store of a pony by the name of "Stickyhooves"?" And I nodded nervously, a little scared because I had such a powerful pony in front of me "Y-yes sir, I am he". "Congratulations, sir. I have selected yours to be the store that will be the sole provider of glue to our new glorious government. That is, if you will agree to follow our strict guidelines....you will be rewarded greatly if you do" He said with a grin, placing a contract in front of me on my desk, which I looked at with shock as I read it..... "Y....you’ll give me 500,000 Bits and ownership of the surrounding 300 acres to build?!" I asked him in astonishment, because it said it right there, in black and white. He nodded slowly "Yes, all you must do is continue to be a loyal citizen, alert me of any....undesirables around here, and meet our quota".

After thinking it over, I thought it would be foolish of me to say no, so I happily signed the contract, and the next day, his right hoof pony came back and gave me a wagon with the 500,000 bits, and the deed to the land, which made me the happiest unicorn in all of Hoofenstein! I told my family right away, but they seemed to be mad at me for making a deal with the Maremacht, and becoming a loyal follower....
Many months later, I had spent half of my fortune on building my massive glue-making factory, and every Sunday, I would get a huge shipment of Pegusi to make the glue from, free of charge from the government! I couldn’t believe how amazing my life was! On top of that, all my workers were paid by the government as well as long as we obeyed them and did what they asked, which made me filthy rich in no time at all.

Unfortunately, then came a sad point in my life, when I got a visit from my cousin, a short green earth pony stallion named Charles. "Long time no see, Charles!" I said as I gave my cousin a big hug, but he looked worried, so I asked him what was wrong. "W...well.. Hanz, I have bad news... I heard that Ma and Pa are secretly housing Pegusi to keep them from the government...and I checked....it’s true." I looked at him, shocked and it made me very sad to hear....part of the contract was that I had to tell High Command about things like this....even if it is a relative... but I had to keep my job and my fortune, and the Maremacht had been very nice to me, so I kept my promise to them. "T...that’s bad news, Charles.... but go tell mom and dad that as long as they stay in their home, I will keep them safe, ok?" He nodded and left to go tell them, but I had my pet eagle deliver a letter to our wise and kind leader about them, and he had his secret police go and check the village, and lo and behold, they truly were housing pegusi against the law.....and it turns out that so was the rest of my family.....so not only had I condemned my mother and father, but I accidentally had sentenced my entire family to the same fate as the Pegusi.

I...I will admit that it was one of the low points in my life, when I was waiting for the next shipment of Pegusi, and amongst the mass of ponies, I could make out my mother, Beatrix, my father, Luther, and even my cousin Charles.... the thought that it was I who killed them make me have a bit of a mental breakdown, so I wrote to High Command asking for a temporary overseer that day, and I left to go home, not returning for over a week.....

The High Leader rewarded me greatly though for my loyalty, he gave me an honorary membership as the highest rank in his Secret Police, and he put my only competitor out of business for me. Life was grand from then on out....though....I will admit that I was very lonely. I had no family anymore, and because of my close ties to both the Maremacht, and Secret Police, I didn’t have any friends or lovers either....which I fear may have driven me a bit insane. The deaths of all the Pegusi no longer fazed me, nor did I seem to care about them anymore. My life was with the Maremacht now.

Though....things did reach a turning point a few years later.... when the shipments of Pegusi stopped coming, so I sent another letter to our leader, who replied back with this: "Dear our most honored and loyal Unicorn Stickyhooves: We are excited to inform you that our goal has been reached, and your services are no longer required. Thanks to your help, we no longer have any Pegusi remaining in all of Hoofenstein! You are cordially invited to our grand ball here at the Reichstag tomorrow night, where you will be rewarded greatly for your work, and given a new task."

I was worried yet excited very much by his reply. My life had been spent working on my Glue business, and it would have to be shut down now, but I had amassed such a great fortune that I did not care. I put on my best suit and went to the ball the next day, where I was greeted by Herr Adolf himself! I was so excited that I almost fainted, but he walked me over to his private table, where I got to watch all the happy Unicorns and ponies dance on the ballroom floor, and I finally got to talk face to face with the pony who had become like a brother to me over the years.
Nearing the end of the ball, Herr Adolf and I walked over to the balcony and looked down at the ponies as he made his announcement: "Dear my beloved stallions and mares, I am happy to inform you that there are no Pegusi within our countries borders, nor will there ever be again! No longer must we live under their winged tyranny. Thanks to the help of each and every one of you, they have been put in their place!" The crowd cheered and clapped their hooves together "And I would like to award my brother Hanz here with the honorary title of Deputy Herr for his most valiant work and co-operation with me, I have never come across a pony so loyal!" My eyes opened wide in excitement and I couldn’t help but jump up and down a little with a big smile on my face, I was second in command of the best country in the world! "And on a final note, his first mission will be to go to Equestria as our ambassador! Now that our borders are secure, we must start looking beyond them, to help liberate all the world from the tyranny of the Pegusi!"

The crowd cheered and That was the last thing I could remember before I fainted from all the excitement, Herr Adolf carrying me to his private chambers after the ball was over so I could rest in peace.

When I awoke, I got started on the task of selling my factory. Unfortunately, there weren’t many ponies that were able to pay that much, so I talked my new brother into buying it, since he owns everything anyways. I then went home and packed up my bags with all the clothes that I needed, and brought a big suitcase full of 300,000 ReichsBits, the new currency of Hoofenstein, which I used my magic to shrink it down to a size that I could carry, leaving the rest of my fortune in the bank and putting my pet eagle in a cage to take with me. I then went back to the Reichstag and said my goodbyes to Herr Adolf, who never seemed to take those shutter shades off "Well brother, I suppose it’s time for me to be leaving on my first mission now.... I’ll write back to you occasionally though, to let you know how I’m doing, and if I need anything."
I did my best to keep a smile, the thought of leaving my Fatherland making me sad "Fair well, my brother, and remember: You represent all of Hoofenstein, so be on your best behavior! ...Not like that girl Celestia could do anything either way, you have diplomatic immunity, and she is weak." So I gave him a goodbye hug, and went on my way, going down to the train station and getting on the train headed straight for Ponyville: a 3 day train ride, if I remember.......

Demon(s)

Demon(s)

It was my first day in Ponyville, I had just gotten off the train and gotten my bags and birdcage off, walking out of the doors when... I was greeted by this adorable pink earth pony with perfectly straight hair, all brushed to one side who had a very happy, if disturbing attitude, she was wearing a large black bow in her mane and had black party balloons as her cutie mark. "Hi there, my name is Pinkamena! I... kinda greet all the new ponies who come into this town!" Of course, I was shy and nervous because I had never been here before, and the country seems so very different from back home, so I tried my best to smile and I held out my hoof "H-hi there, ma'am, it’s nice to meet you, m-my name is Hanz Von Stickyhooves" She seemed delighted that I was willing to talk to her, or at least I think she was, because she gave me a big, friendly hug and had a bit of a grin "Stickyhooves? What a unique name! Since your new here, how about I show you around town?" And before I could even reply she took my hoof in hers and started dragging me out of the train station to town square. Luckily I managed to drag my belongings and my eagle in his cage with me, showing me to various vendors and stores and all sorts of buildings in town, and along the way, I noticed the oddest thing: A small, strange foreign pony like me who was working at a Turnip stand.

This town reminded me very much of a cheerier, more innocent version of my home town, Hoofenstein.

"Erm...Mrs Pinkie? If you don’t mind me calling you Pinkie, that is.... I do enjoy this town so far, though I am quite peckish after the long train ride over here. Would you know where we could get a bite to eat?" I asked her, and she had kept giving out the names of the various places, until we arrived at a bakery. "Why, this is the perfect place to eat, Sugarcube Corner! I happen to work and live here, ya know? In fact, just the other day I got some new ingredients for some special cupcakes, would you like to try them?!" She said as she hopped up and down happily, and I saw no reason to turn down a free meal, so I agreed. "S-sure Mrs. Pinkie, I would love to try them!"

I smiled happily and went into the store where we were greeted by two ponies who seemed to be nervous, yet greeted us with a friendly smile "Oh, don’t mind those two, that’s just Mr. and Mrs. cake, I work for them and rent out their basement." Pinkie sat me down at the table and told me she would be just a minute, and she then headed down into the basement to get her ingredients. She then went into the kitchen and took quite a long time cooking them, so I talked to Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and got them to rent me their spare room upstairs so that I could store my belongings and my pet. As I was walking back down the stairs, Pinkie then came out with a fresh-baked batch of Rainbow-colored cupcakes, and handed me one, which I took and sniffed it at first, then took a big bite. "Mmmn, this is simply Dashing, Mrs. Pinkie! What’s in it?" She replied "Ohhhhh, nothin much, I just had a little help from a friend."

Her eye twitched a little as she said that and she had somewhat of a creepy look, but I didn’t think much of it. "So, what brings a foreign pony like yourself to Ponyville, Hanz? And what does your strange cutie mark mean?" she asked, and I chewed the bite of cupcake I had and swallowed. "W-well, you see, Back in Hoofenstein, I was the owner of the biggest government-funded Glue factor in my country. But we kinda ran into....erm.... Supply issues, and I had to close my business because of it. I’m now ambassador for the country of Hoofenstein....but I would love to be a business owner again as well" She seemed a little shocked yet delighted at the same time when she learned I owned a glue factory and wouldn’t mind starting a new one, so she pulled up a chair.

"Welllllll, I happen to know a place you could buy to start a new glue factory! And not only that, but I could supply you. You won’t be able to find anyone else who can or would supply you." She said with a wink, which made me look concerned, but I agreed to let her be my supplier, and even stranger was that she didn’t want any kind of payment for it. She showed me to the factory, and the next day I bought the deed to it from the mayor, who understandably wanted to know why a foreigner wanted to buy an old factory in her town, but I paid her a little extra to not ask questions.

And so, after I got the factory up and running, I started having problems from the get-go..... Sadly, I could not find any customers who would buy my glue, nor could I find any pony who was willing to work for me, so I had to do all the work myself..... Luckily, Pinkamena kept giving me a generous supply of ingredients with which to make my finished product.
But, in the end, ironically this time what failed my company was not the supply end, but the demand. And within only a few months, I had to close down my factory and sell it back to the mayor at a loss, leaving me with 200,000 of the 300,000 I came here with.

It would seem like I kept getting lucky breaks though, because despite my business failing, Pinkie somehow talked the Cakes into not only hiring me to work at their bakery with her, but she also got them to sell me the basement she had been renting from them for quite a good deal."Y...you can’t be honest, can you, Mr. and Mrs. cake?....Y...your selling me your basement for only 15 bits?!" But Mr. Cake replied with "Y-yes, 15 bits is all we ask, j-just take it, please? We will even give you a job working the register!" So I accepted and bought the basement because it was much larger than the cramped room I was currently staying in, plus it was a great deal, after all. An hour after I bought the basement and was hired, Pinkie confronted me: "Soooooo, since I talked them into being so generous and helped you so much over the months.... do you think I could share the basement with you, Hanz?" And after thinking about it, I nodded "Sure, I don't see why not, Pinkie. you’ve been such a great friend and business partner!" So now I had a steady job, a place to live, and a very close friend who I shared the basement with, Pinkamena. Life in Ponyville was going quite well, if rather boring.

After a few weeks of sharing the basement with Pinkamena, I started to get curious about where she seemed to disappear to each night after I fell asleep, so I asked her about it at bedtime. "P...pinkie? C-can I ask you something?" She smiled calmly and nodded, brushing her mane in the mirror "Sure, Hanz, ask me anything!" So I took a deep breath and asked "W-where is it that you keep going to after I fall asleep? I’m very curious, and thought that since we are friends, we shouldn’t keep secrets from each other." Immediately after asking that, her eyes opened wide and she looked a little nervous, biting her lip "Well....I suppose since we live together, it’s only fair that you know now...." So she reached under her bed and pressed a switch, making the western wall slide back and revealing a long hallway lit by torches, and I nervously walked into it. "Whoa! W....what’s back here?"

She grabbed a scalpel and hid it without me noticing, keeping it with her just in case I freaked out. "Ohhhhhh, nothing really, just keep on heading down the hall and I’ll be right behind you!" And so I walked down the hall until I reached a heavy iron door, which pinkie opened up with a heavy key, and we walked in, where she shut the door behind us and locked it to be safe......and then she flipped the light switch on, revealing what all normal ponies would consider to be completely horrifying: Organs and intestines blown full of air and hung like Christmas decorations on the walls, with a large storage freezer, a metal table with many steel straps on it for restraining her subjects, with a dead, mutilated blue unicorn wearing a dark blue magicians hat with stars on it, and a table near the larger one with surgical instruments of all types on it. The entire room, in short: A Bloody Mess

I stood there and took it all in for a moment, not freaking out or really seeming very phased by it at all. "Erm....this is quite an interesting Hobby you have here, Pinkie.... Have you been doing this for awhile?" I turned to look at her and she was looking at me with a look of shock and amazement at the fact that I’m not scared "Y-....you mean you’re not afraid, Hanz?!" she said, her eyes wide open. "You forget that I was the owner of a glue factory, pinkie. This is all quite normal to me!" I laughed a little and her face seemed to light up happily, and she went to put on her coat made of other ponies cutie marks while hopping happily "Yay! Yay! You’re the only pony who hasn’t freaked out or tried to run!" She glomped me and hugged me tight and happily, so tight that I couldn’t help but cough.

C-cant...B-breath!" I laughed and hugged her back, and she loosened up the hug, looking down at me with a smile and I blushed, sensing that she must like me now "T...this may be kinda sudden....B-but... I’m a single mare.... and if you happen to be a single Stallion too....would you like to....p-perhaps...g-go on a date?!" I blushed deeply and smiled, nodding shyly "Y...yes, I’m a single Stallion and I.....I accept." Her eyes lit up and she hopped up and down happily before knocking me over again and giving me a kiss on the cheek "Well.... Would you like to lay down now for bed, Pinkie? It’s rather late and we both have a lot to do tomorrow after work. We could even go on our first date, if you’re not too busy with her?" We both looked over at the dead unicorn bound on the table and she shook her head with a giggle "Hehe, Trixie is fine where she is. I’ll just put her in the freezer, you head on to bed and I’ll be right with you, cutey!" I smiled and blushed, nodding and helping Pinkie put Trixie in the freezer, then we headed out, locked the door behind us, and we pushed our beds together, falling asleep quickly.

The Nowhere Pony

The Nowhere Pony

The next week after discovering Pinkie's secret, work was going slow, so I asked her to take over for me for a bit so that I could go and adventure around town to meet the locals, and she agreed, so I signed out and walked out of Sugarcube Corner and into town square, seeing all the great many stalls and vendors selling nearly everything I could imagine.

After the little incident a few months ago with my failed glue factory, the local’s didn’t particularly like me, to put it the nice way. As I walked down the street, I got more than a few mean glances, so I kept going down until the street turned from paved to dirt, so I assumed I was on the road now.

Off in the distance, I saw that same odd stand that I saw when Pinkie was dragging me into town the first time. It had peaked my interest, so I walked to the poorly-constructed turnip stand, owned by a smaller than average light-gray stallion with a short, tan mane who greeted me. "Hello there sir, I am how you say, foreign pony like yourself. Would you like to buy turnip? I bring them all the way from Stalliongrad!" I tilted my head a little in confusion as I listened to his strong accent and inability to speak our language well, and looked at his cutie mark: a red fist clenching a turnip.... gee, I wonder how he got that.

"Hmm.... turnips, you say? I can’t recall ever eating one before, what are they like?" He smiled and picked up the largest "They are best food known to ponykind, and these are best breed, taken straight from my commune in the United Soviet Stallions of....erm.... Russia!"

An average sized brown pony walked up to the stand and looked at the turnips, confused. "Hmm.... I’ve never had one of these, but I love trying new foods!" He placed 2 bits on the table and the owner gave him a big, round turnip, which the brown pony bit into, then shrieked in pain as his teeth shattered like glass and he ran away, dripping blood from his mouth.

"Why does this always happen? These Ponies in Equestria are frail compared to mighty Soviet turnip!" I watched the brown pony run away and laughed, handing the owner 12 bits. "I’ll take one, and there’s 10 more for that show you just gave me. That was Quite humorous, my friend." He handed me a turnip of equal size, and he bit into one of his own for lunch, able to eat it just fine. I then looked at mine, and took a big bite out of it, but instead of my teeth shattering and bleeding, the turnip began to bleed instead, which made the soviet pony jump in shock "Y-you must be evilest pony in all of land, what the hell?!" I Laughed and shook my head "Well, I may be evil, but I can see you and I making good friends, would you like to be my friend, Mr....?" The pony held out his hoof and I shook it "D-dimitri Turnip is my name, and I would be glad to be friend with you" I smiled and gave him a friendly hug "Good, I will see you around then Dimitri, oh! And my name is Hanz Von Stickyhooves, don’t forget!" I said as I began walking away, leaving a small bag with 30 bits in it to help his failing business, knowing he would appreciate it.

I then walked on down the road some more, able to tell I had only spent an hour, when as I was looking up at the sun to tell the time (my monocle is tinted, so I can easily do that), I bumped into an average-height blue stallion wearing tan cowboy boots and a deep purple cowboy hat as well. "Ooph! S-sorry there partner, I wasn’t looking where I was goin I reckon" I smiled and shook my head "No, it was my fault, don’t worry. Don’t think I’ve seen you around Ponyville yet, Mr...?" "Ah, my name is Leonard Golden; I’m a relative of Apple Jack, if ya heard of her?" I looked at him and saw that his cutie mark was a Yellow apple, and I shook my head "No, I’m new in town, my name is Hanz Von Stickyhooves" He smiled and took my hoof, dragging me with him back to the farm to meet his massive family.

"I-I’m getting kinda tired of being dragged around here by everypony!" I said, getting sore and dizzy from it all, but we finally arrived at Sweet Apple acres, where he showed me around the apple orchard. There I saw what he told me was his big brother and sister: Big Mac and Applejack, collecting apples from the trees. "They do all the buckin' and collectin' around here, I’m more of a painter myself, hard labor just aint my thing" I chuckled a little at the odd country pony showing me around, then he sat me down on the porch of the house and introduced me to all of his family, which took hours upon hours, and by the end of it, It was well past dinner time. "Well Leonard, it’s been great meeting you and your family, and I hope we can meet up again sometime, but I gotta get back home, my girlfriend is probably wondering where I am" He looked a little sad when he heard me mention her, which made me question the purpose behind his friendliness, but he forced a fake smile and nodded, giving me a hug and I accepted it before waving to him as I walked back home. “That unicorn sure is perty…. “ Leonard mumbled to himself as he watched me walk back to my home.

I finally got back in to Sugarcube corner, and Pinkie greeted me with a hug "I’m so happy to see you; you were gone for so long!" "I-I’m sorry hun, I got sidetracked and met a few new friends. Is dinner cold?" She shook her head and brought out a fresh baked pie she had been keeping in the oven for when I got back, so we ate dinner, then retreated back downstairs, changing into my new surgeons outfit she got for me a couple days ago, and she put on her cutie mark coat, then we headed into our secret room, where she had a fresh new pegasus waiting for us to "Bond" together over. "Awww, a pegasus! I’m so glad you remembered how much I disliked them, Pinkie!" She smiled and nodded, getting out her favorite scalpel and handing it to me "Of course, I remember everything about everypony!" Her eye twitched in an evil and creepy way "You go ahead sweety, make the first cut; I got him for you anyways." I nodded and took her scalpel, and then we spent the night together down there, dissecting and toying with the living pegasus in our sound-proof basement, the happiest pair of ponies still awake at this hour.

I awoke in the morning and took up a quill and a piece of paper, writing a letter back to my country like I promised I would do periodically. I then rolled it up, attached the letter to my pet Eagles leg, then told it to deliver it to my brother, going out to greet the new day as my eagle flew the letter back to Brandinburg.

Dear brother Adolf:

I’m quite enjoying my stay in Ponyville, this city is so odd compared to our glorious Brandinburg! So far, from what I can tell, the ponies live a peaceful, happy life here, but there are quite a lot of Pegusi here, should we ever decide to invade. I also discovered a small pony who somehow escaped from Stalliongrad, I have no clue how he got out, but I am friends with him now, and I think he could be of use to our country, especially since Hoofenstein and the United Soviet Stallions of Russia don’t exactly get along.
When I first arrived, I was greeted by an earth pony that I have no clue how she hasn’t gotten in trouble with Celestia yet, but I’m happy to say that she’s helped me a great deal over the months, and we are dating now. I think I may have finally found my mare!

Your faithful Deputy Herr,

Hanz Von Stickyhooves

Pony! The Magic Opera

Pony! The Magic Opera

Hanz is coming in after a long day in town, he had just finished talking to Zekora, the magical zebra and one of the few ponies in town who he had become friends with over the months he had been staying here. Hanz then walks down into the basement to pass some time while Pinkie is out with her friends filming some strange cartoon show she is a part of. He presses the button to open up the way to their secret torture chamber, and then walks in, where he has a small green alicorn bound on the table.

"Some day, oh what a day!"
“My friend, I hope you enjoy your stay.”

"On you I will train, at my very leisure.
Each ounce of pain I make, I shall take as pleasure."

He tosses a scalpel at the alicorn and it sticks into the table firmly right next to his head, missing by an inch.

"You can’t run, you can’t hide, you can’t try to.
And even IF, then Hanz would find you!"

"You see, it all started out in a tiny, tiny town.
Yes, a tiny, tiny town."
"The day I made my first glue, oh yes, then I knew. Oh what fun to do!"

Hanz takes a bonesaw and makes a deep cut in the alicorns hoof, cutting into it in one motion, making the alicorn scream in pain

"Ohhh, yes the scream. That very scream! Do you think of me mean?"
"While it feels like you are already losing your life. I have yet to even begin with my knife."
Hanz teasingly licks the alicorns horn, knowing it gives the panicked male slight pleasure

"Oh doctor, please doctor! I want to go, I want you to know!" The Alicorn says
"You see old chap, I am quite a sport. I am quite a sport, many kinds of sort. While I use you like paint, I do not want you to faint."
"While alive you may be obnoxious, you are no fun unconscious!"

Hanz then picks up a gun-type syringe and a strange, blue substance in a vial.
"Zyklon T comes in a little glass vial, a little glass vial.
And the little glass vial goes into the gun like a battery!"
He then loads the vial into the gun easily, the alicorn watching in horror
"Then I aim the zyklon gun somewhere against your anatomy!"
He aims the gun against the alicorns forehead and pulls the trigger, it shooting the substance straight into his brain, him yelling in pain and almost blacking out

"Now that the gun has gone off, you’re ready for your surgery!, Ah, the surgery!"
As Hanz speaks, he picks up another scalpel and makes a deep cut into the alicorns left wing, hacking it clean off but the alicorn not feeling a thing despite the blood starting to gush out, thanks to the injection

"M-my captor, please my captor. Please make it quick, I’m going to be sick!" Says the alicorn
Hanz grins evilly and shakes his head before stabbing the blade down into the alicorns horn, splitting it in half
"Now, now young child, this is going to get wild. You’re already strapped in the seat, now many blades you will meet."
"No please sir, I’m quite a rich stallion. If you let me live, I'll give you my medallion!"
Hanz glares and picks up a large metal spike
"Now let’s make this clear, let there not be a doubt. Your wealth is not near, nor is it what this is about."
"No, sir, what is that spike for?! Please tell me my words I will not die for!"

He takes the spike and quickly jams it into the alicorns rear, making him scream in pain despite the injection "Just as this caused pain, I know it caused pleasure. Your cries also do, in amounts I cannot measure."

Hanz then steps back to admire his plaything: one-winged, split horn, and bleeding profusely from nearly every hole in his body. He then looks on the wall at the clock, and sees he must be finishing soon.

"Oh tick-tock, just look at the clock! It would appear I don’t have time to use you as a sock. Fret not now, you shall get your wish. You shall die now quickly, the way of a fish."

Hanz picks up his largest knife, cutting down the alicorns chest, then getting a pair of clippers to open his ribcage. He then uses his magic to make the alicorns lungs stop, which makes him quickly suffocate.

"What a shame, there is no doubt. But this time, Celestia had paid me. This would make her foes Rout. She has given me a royal pardon, no recourse. In return, I do my job well, a Tour-De-Force."

Hanz then washed up and put on a clean vest, then headed back upstairs to man the counter at Sugarcube corner, the majority of Ponyville none the wiser about what him and his partner enjoyed doing in their spare time. But even if it got out, Celestia could not punish him because he has diplomatic immunity. So the two had no fear.
Later that day, Pinkie returned and after the shop closed, he took her down to show off his work on the alicorn, which she snickered and smiled “Heehee, your getting better at this, Hanzy. And I like what you did with the spike, even I didn’t think of that when I started playing with my friends”
Hanz blushed a little and smiled, giving his lover a hug for her compliments, and receiving a kiss in return, then she looked at the strange syringe he left on the table.
“Whats this for?”
“Ah, that is my newest invention: Zyklon T. It keeps the patient awake by blocking their pain. Sadly, they don’t scream as much after you inject them, and when they do, it’s just from the shock of what I’m doing to them. I like it though, because my playtime's are more theatrical than yours, sweety.”

Hanz takes the syringe and sticks it into where he originally injected the alicorn, and draws the substance back into the vial for next time “It’s reusable too, which is nice.”
Pinkie smirked “Does it block all feeling, or just pain?”
He replied: “Oh, just pain. It was quite hard to make a substance that purely blocked pain though; as a side effect, it enhances the other senses too.”
She then took the syringe from Hanz and smiled “Then I think it’s time we have a play session, just you and I” She then shot Hanz in the forehead with it and he fell onto his back, she then dragged him and some of her tools into their bedroom, where they had a nice, long S&M session together…… but that is another story for another time.

Get Back

Get Back

While Celestia may not have had the ability to do anything to punish Hanz and Pinkie, the citizens of Ponyville were starting to catch on to what the two had been doing all these months.
How couldn’t they have noticed? The number of ponies who had been "disappearing" had only kept climbing day by day, and the fact that the guards would not even bother to investigate had the mayor and the citizens outraged.

But nopony was willing to stand up to Hanz and Pinkie.... not yet, at least. They continued to go about their routine of trapping and killing helpless ponies, unicorns, and Pegusi at will until they accidentally let one live.

A poor, brown pegasus had managed to fake his death while being toyed with by Hanz and Pinkie. "Aww, it looks like we may have killed him prematurely this time, love." Pinkie said with a frown, wishing the pegasus was still alive so they could have more fun. "Y...yes, it would seem so. I’m so sorry hun, I must have gotten carried away, and you know how I am when it comes to pegusi.” Hanz said, disappointed as well. They then retired to their bedroom like they always did after a torture session, for some "After party fun" as Pinkie called it. It’s shocking that Hanz hadn’t been killed yet, since she can be quite brutal sometimes on him.

As Hanz and Pinkie lay in bed asleep, the pegasus crawled.... slowly and silently, out of the chamber and up the stairs, being as careful as possible to not wake the pair.
When he finally made it out of Sugarcube Corners basement, he ran as fast as he could despite having both wings cut off and his left front leg broken, making his way to the emergency room, where he burst in through the doors and collapsed, scaring the nurse on duty. "Oh my! What in Celestias name happened to you?!" she screamed in shock, quickly taking him into a room and laying him on the hospital bed, doing her best to heal him.

Nearly a month passed before the brown pegasus....well....I’m not sure if he could be called one anymore, as the wings were too dead to be re-attached, finally woke up from a shock-induced coma.

"W...where am I?" he asked, looking around and seeing everything as white, his eyes still adjusting “You’re in the Ponyville hospital, Mr. Clint Cloudkicker. You were nearly dead when you came in a month ago.....what in Celestias name happened to you?"

"I...." He then remembered it all. Every minute of his suffering came back to memory and he was filled with anger at the two evil ponies who had done this to him "I was nearly killed by those two Lunaspawn at the bakery! Somepony needs to do something to stop them!" The nurse looked at him and then looked away, she had heard her fair share of stories about the "Duo of darkness" who lived at and operated the bakery, so she called the Mayor and then Clint and her went up to the Mayors house.

"Hello you two, I’ve been expecting you." The Mayor said as she let them in. "So....you’re the only survivor of those two, Clint?" "Y...yes ma'am, we have to do something to stop them!"
She nodded, she was furious because some of her best employees had been killed by them, so her and Clint got to work immediately preparing to get the citizens of Ponyville together to take them down.

Hours later, the Mayor stepped up to her podium to give a speech
"Citizens of Ponyville, we have lived in fear for long enough! Today is the day that we finally get to rid this town of the evil that has been terrorizing it for nearly a year now! We finally have our first survivor, who can testify for us all, so that there will be no doubt that our deeds today are done in good conscience." Hanz' Eagle had been perched in the tree nearby, spying on the group on his behalf, and it then flew back to Sugarcube corner and told him the news. "P-pinkie! We have to pack quickly, forget work, we need to go!" The pair then rushed downstairs and frantically got their suitcases and began packing as the angry mod started marching down to kill them. "Ok, 2 bags are enough, make sure you have only the essentials!" Hanz shouted as him and Pinkie rushed upstairs to escape through the front door, but when they got there, the mob was already outside, demanding their deaths."Sh-Scheiße! They are already here!" Hanz shouted in fear "Oh no sweety.... I think this is the end....isn’t it? “Pinkie asked, the sound of nervousness and despair in her voice. "N-no, this is not the end...not yet! Back down to our special chamber, I have a plan!"

The pair rushed downstairs and Hanz grabbed a thick book along the way, then they locked themselves in their torture chamber. "Good, that iron door should buy us enough time.... let’s see....where is that teleportation spell..."
Hanz flipped through the pages of the book, a loud thud being heard as the front door was broken down by Big Macintosh, and he finally came to the spell on page 64
"Here we are! Quickly, there isn’t much time!" He then read the spell over and over and pulled Pinkie close as he concentrated, the mob coming downstairs and seeing nothing yet because they had shut the secret wall behind them, and just before they discovered the secret button, Hanz successfully cast the spell, teleporting him and his lover to his manor in Hoofenstein, safe from the mob finally and knowing they could never be hurt here.....though there would be hell to pay should they ever decide to return to Equestria.

Hanz then stepped out onto the balcony and whistled loudly, his eagle hearing the call and flying back to Hoofenstein to meet his owner again. "Good boy, Goebbels. You’re the best eagle in all of Hoofenstein!"

He then left his partner Pinkie at the house to unpack, stepping out of the house and walking down to town square, buying a map and looking at it to help him remember where his brother Adolf lived. After some help from the map, Hanz went west along Stompenhooven Street, and knocked on the big double doors at the end of the road.

"Who is there?" Said his brother as he opened the door, rubbing his eyes despite wearing his red shutter shades as always "Oh! You’ve returned home early, Hanz! It’s nice to see you again." Hanz then gave his brother a hug and sighed "Yes, though it was because me and my partner were forced out of the town under penalty of death. The citizens’ didn’t like our little hobby" His brother was angered by this news, and was wanting to punish the citizens of Ponyville for attacking his ambassador "Just give me the word, and I'll have my secret police dispatched to take care of them for you, Hanz!"
Hanz shook his head though.

"No Adolf, I just won’t be going back to Equestria again unless I just have to.... At least me and Pinkie got out of there with our lives." Adolf regretfully nodded, wishing he could have just sent his police to take them out "Well, we’ve got to get you and her cleaned up at least. I want to throw a ball tomorrow in celebration of our beloved Deputy Herr returning!" He patted Hanz on the back and he nodded "Ok then sir, I'll return home and get ready, expect me back here by 5pm" And with that, they saluted each other and Hanz went back home, helping Pinkie unpack

"Good news love, my brother is happy that I’ve returned home, so we have a ball to go to tomorrow night. You did say you liked parties, right?" Pinkie smiled and her eye twitched a little "Heehee, you know it, Hanzy! I’m the biggest party animal in all of Equestria, just ask Rocky!" She exclaimed as she unpacked her friend "Rocky" from her case, a large pile of stones she stacked one on top of each other on a chair in the guest room "I brought all my friends along, and if you don’t mind, could they stay in the guest room?" She asked as she moved the rest of her "friends" into the guest room: A Bag of flour, a bucket of turnips Hanz had bought for her from Dimitri back in Ponyville, and a doll fashioned out of and in the image of a pegasus friend of hers who he never got to meet, but she told him about at one point "Sure thing love, Care to introduce me to them all?" Hanz asked politely, not wanting to insult her "Ohhh, This here is Madame de la flour, Sir Vladimir of Turnips, and My little Dashie!" She smiled and playfully hugged her doll "Ah, and don’t forget Gummy!" She said as she pointed to Gummy, who was just sitting in the corner with his big, bug-like eyes, and Hanz just nodded and smiled, giving her a kiss and helping her unpack "Well Pinkie, I think we have plenty of room here for all your friends, and feel free to make as many more as you like, don’t want you to be lonely while I’m out doing work!"

What Goes On

What Goes On

Waking up the next morning after moving into his old house in Hoofenstein, Hanz got to the task of preparing him and his partner for their big day at the ball. Pinkie was naturally excited since she loved parties, even if most of hers consisted of just her and a large assortment of inanimate objects. It was easy to pick what to wear for him at least; he simply put on his best tuxedo with a red tie, and his Deputy Herr hat, which looked very similar to the hat that the leader of the United Soviet Stallions of Russia enjoyed to wear as well.

Since we had just arrived the other day, Pinkie didn’t have much to wear, so Hanz took her down to the dress shop and got her an elegant, long black dress with a large black bow to go in her mane, which she seemed to take a liking to nearly immediately. All dressed up, the dark duo were ready to go, knowing the day would be exciti-

"Hanzy, if you don’t hurry up with typing that story of yours, we are gonna be late to the ball!" Pinkie called out to me as I sat at my typewriter, typing out my recollections of my past.
"Oops, I’m sorry love! I'll just finish it later!" I said as I got up and walked with her to the door before stepping outside and saluting my guards, making our way to the Reichstag, where the grand ball was taking place. There was a big excitement in the air, because celebrations aren’t thrown very often here in Hoofenstein, because then productivity would go down.

When we arrived at the large capital building on Hoofenstompen Street, I was excited to see an old friend of mine from the secret police: a beautiful white mare with long, purple hair and diamonds as her cutie mark. "It’s good to finally see you again, Hanz! This place was so dreadfully boring lately." I chuckled a little and smiled "Yes, it’s good to be back, Rarity. Hopefully now that I’m back, I can help to liven up the place. Plus my new mare is great with parties, aren’t you, dear?" I asked as I looked over to Pinkie and she nodded with an evil grin "Ohhhh, yes. I throw the best parties in all of Equestria! They are to die for." Her eye twitched and Rarity looked creeped out by her, but nodded politely "Well, go on in Hanz, your brother is looking for you, if I recall" Rarity said as she let us in.

As we looked around the ball room, Pinkie was amazed by how large it was. "Wow! It’s even bigger than Canterlot’s ball room!"
"Ah, yes. But of course, that is because Brandinburg is a far greater city than Canterlot could ever hope to be" Said a voice behind us, and we turned to face the shutter-shade wearing pony, who I instantly recognized "Ohhh, it’s good to see you again, my Herr!" I said as I gave my brother a big hug “Yes, and it’s good to see you too Hanz. But we really must be going to the balcony, the show is about to begin!" He exclaimed excitedly and we walked with him upstairs to the balcony "So brother, who did you book for the ball?" I asked
"Well, there is a rather famous chap around here named Dapper Masquerade. As you can tell by his name, he is a show magician."
Pinkie giggled, the idea of a magician reminding her of Trixie, who her and Hanz had killed long ago.

After taking our seats in the balcony, the lights began to dim as the magician walked up onto his stage "Good evening, everypony. My name is Dapper the Magnificent, and tonight I shall be showing you all some amazing feats of magic, that could only be done by myself!" The white haired, purpled-eyed unicorn said as he stepped into the spotlight, the average height unicorn wearing a dark blue magician’s robe that matched his cyan colored body well and a pointy straw hat along with a black highwayman’s mask. The crowd cheered and clapped their hooves together; apparently this pony was a local celebrity or something.

He then started off his show with a bang, literally. Using his magic, he made a few piñatas that were hung from the ceiling explode, showering candy on the audience who delightfully gobbled it up. He then kept the show going with many feats of magic skill that I never knew unicorns were capable of. True, I may be a unicorn myself, but I rarely use my magic, and because of that, I’m not very good at doing anything more demanding than moving objects.

Nearly an hour went by before he stepped back and looked around at the audience "Now, for my grand finale, I’m going to need a volunteer from you guys! Who wants to be my volunteer?!" despite asking that question, something in me told me that he already had a certain pony picked out before the show even began, and I looked over at my brother Adolf who had a sly smirk, and I wondered why, until Dapper pointed his hoof at me and said "Ah, you will do nicely, my fair Deputy Herr!" and before I could react, he teleported me on stage from the balcony and I looked at him with astonishment, my body not accustomed to being teleported. "I- I suppose I'll go along with it, Mr. Magician." "Good! Then stand right there on the x!" He said, pointing to a painted x on the stage, which I moved to.

"Now everypony, watch in amazement as I make this unicorn disappear without even using my magic!" He said as the crowd watched closely, nothing happening for a few seconds to build tension, before Dapper stomped his hoof on the stage and I disappeared into a puff of white smoke, when it cleared, I found myself no longer even in the building, but instead, I was in the travelling magicians house on the outskirts of town, from what I could figure out.

Moments after I was transported back though, Pinkie was demanding that I be returned, because she didn’t like being alone, so I felt that strange sensation again as the world around me blurred and I was brought back to the Ball for everyone to see, amazed at this magic trick. "There you are, Mares and Gentlecolts! Surely I must be the greatest magician in all of Hoofenstein!" The crowd cheered and whistled, and as the magician stepped off the stage and went into his dressing room, I couldn’t help but follow him. I don’t know what it was, but I felt the urge to meet him alone.

"H-hello there, Mr. Dapper. I’m Hanz, remember me?" I asked nervously and he smirked, looking at me behind him in his mirror. "Ah, but of course. We just finished a trick together. Is there something you want?" "W....well.... I’m a unicorn too, but I’m nowhere near as good at magic as you are. I was wondering if I could go back to your place after the ball, and you could tutor me?" I blushed a little, feeling humbled by admitting that I’m not the best. "Sure, I believe I could teach you some of my tricks. Come to my place tomorrow around lunch time, and we can work out a payment plan later. Now go, have fun with your wife, Hanz." I shook my head "W-well, me and her aren’t married... not yet, at least." But I left anyways to go enjoy the ball with Pinkie and Adolf, having a wonderful time with them and so happy to be back in Hoofenstein. I even saw Rarity in amongst the happy ponies on the floor, talking to lots of colts "Heh, still searching for that one special colt, just like old times."

Then at the end of the night, I took Pinkie back home with me and gave her a kiss "Tonight was wonderful sweety, and that magician even told me he would tutor me tomorrow!" She smiled and hugged me so tight that I had to beg for air, so she loosened it up a little "Heehee, sorry Hanzy. But I like it here so much in Hoofenstein, everyone is so much more bearable here, opposed to Ponyville." I smiled, glad that my lovely mare likes my fatherland, and I unlocked the door to our manor and walked upstairs, the both of us tired after a long and wonderful ball. We then laid down in our large bed and snuggled up to each other, quickly passing out.

Dig a Pony (Warning)

Dig a Pony

I slept in unusually late for me, waking up around 11am and I looked around, since Pinkie wasn’t in the bedroom. I couldn’t find her anywhere upstairs, so I headed downstairs and found her in the kitchen, apparently she loves cooking even when not using ponies as the special ingredient, because she was cooking a fresh batch of muffins for lunch. "Good morning Hanzy, I see you’re up late" She said as she giggled and set the tray of muffins on the table to cool off. "Y-yeah, sorry love. I don’t really know why I slept in so late." I then sat at the table and took a muffin, biting into it and it tasting delicious.

"Ohhh, it’s ok. But shouldn’t you be going soon for your appointment with that magician? You told me you were to meet him at noon." I gasped, realizing I’m almost late for my appointment "Oopsie, I completely forgot! I think I better get going then, love!" I said as I got up and took an extra muffin to eat along the way "Alrighty Hanzy, have fun, and I hope you learn some cool tricks!" Pinkie said as she waved me goodbye and I made my way back to Dappers' house on the edge of town, it being a modest place compared to my manor.

I finished my muffin and knocked on the door nervously, I for some reason felt shy around this unicorn; perhaps it was because he knew so many spells? As I pondered the idea, Dapper masquerade came to the door with a smirk, somehow already knowing it was me before he even saw me. "Ah, you’re right on time, Hanz. I’m happy to see you’re so punctual." I nodded shyly and smiled "Of course, it’s my job as a leader to be punctual for my appointments.....now, how will this tutoring thing work?" He invited me inside and I walked in, the door shutting behind me magically and he lead me into the living room, taking out a big book of spells.

"Well, for starters, I want you to read pages 1-25 in this book, and then when you’re done, I want you to pick a spell from those pages to practice."
I nodded and got to reading, and the day went rather flawlessly after that. Thanks to his teaching, I managed to perfect the art of opening and closing doors with my magic, as well as manipulating objects. I felt so excited because I had always preferred to just do things like an earth pony would, yet this was much easier!

After a few hours of practicing and learning, he yawned a little and said it was getting time for our tutoring session to end and I frowned "Awww, but I was having such a fun time, Dapper!" He nodded "Yes, but all this teaching wears me out. I'll teach you more tomorrow, but I believe it is now time for you to give me my payment before you head home, correct?" I bit my lip nervously and realized: I had forgotten my bits at the house! "Erm.... I-I just realized that I forgot my money....can I just pay you tomorrow?" He shook his head "No Hanz, you agreed to pay me at the end of each day. You’ll just have to pay me some other way, I suppose."

I looked confused and tilted my head "W-what do you mean, Dapper? I don’t have any money...." He smirked and took a step towards me "Heehee, well, have you ever slept with a stallion before?" I blushed deeply and gasped, stepping back once "W-what?! B...but isn’t that painful?" He stepped closer to me and grinned, leaning forward and licking my horn teasingly, which made me shiver and blush deeper, it feeling oddly pleasurable to me "Heh, did that feel painful, Hanz?" I stopped moving backwards and slowly shook my head, it leaving me curious to learn more. "I..I suppose not....but I’ve never been with a stallion, you’d have to take the lead."

"That’s exactly what I was hoping to hear" He said as he got closer and took a little of my horn into his mouth, suckling softly and I couldn’t help but let out a light feminine moan, starting to get turned on by it "Mmmn, t-that feels really good, Dapper...." I said as I relaxed, my smaller than average stallionhood starting to get hard, he then stepped back and leaned back against the wall "heehee, then how about I teach you something else for free: do what I just did, but to my other horn" I blushed and nervously walked over to him and kneeled down, looking up at him shyly before giving his half aroused length a lick "L-like this?" I asked, and he nodded while getting harder, so I slowly took his tip into my mouth and started sucking softly, it tasting odd to me because I had never done something like this before.

He moaned dominantly and finally reached his full hardness, my own length looking small compared to his and I took 3 more inches into my mouth, rubbing my tongue along his thick tip and tasting the first precum I had ever tasted, it being a little salty but bearable. "Mmmn, k-keep going Hanz, and I'll give you a reward for being a good student." I nodded and couldn’t help but get turned on as well, embarrassed by the fact that I was actually enjoying the act of being sexual with another stallion.

After a few minutes of sucking on his thick stallion stick, he pushed a hoof against my forehead gently "E-enough, now for the real fun Hanz. Just turn around for me and I'll do the rest" I looked confused, not sure how two stallions could have sex, but I turned around for him anyways, and quickly felt his weight on top of me and his hooves along my upper back, feeling his warm, dripping tip pressing against my rear "H-hey! This feels kinda weird, Dapper" I said nervously, but he reassured me and pressed his tip against my tight tailhole, which made my ears stand up and my eyes open wide, the sensation making me bite my lower lip gently.

After giving me a moment to relax, I felt him starting to push his thick stallionhood into me, which made me bite my lip harder from the mix of pleasure and pain, I had never done something like this before.... but it felt so good! "O-ohhhh, D-dapper!" I moaned out as he started to thrust deeply but slowly inside of me, my legs feeling weak but I tried my best to not fall over.

"Just relax Hanz, this won’t take too long, thanks to how tight you are" He chuckled a little and kept thrusting harder and faster, which made me lower my head and moan from the sensations, my insides gripping his cock like a glove and making me feel every inch of him. After a minute or so, I started blushing deeply because I was dripping precum onto the floor below me, embarrassed by the thought that I was about to be forced to cum by a fellow stallion, but the amazing sensations made me not protest.

"I-I’m getting close, D-dapper!" I moaned out, and by the throbbing of his length inside of me, I could tell he was getting close as well to blowing. I pressed back against him firmly, wanting to take his entire length, but as I did so, he thrusted up and I gasped out, his wide tip slamming against something inside of me that forced me to cum instantly "I-I’m cumming, Dapper!" I moaned out loudly, having the most intense orgasm I had ever felt, emptying every last drop I had onto the floor.... It had never felt this good with Pinkie!

"Heehee, couldn’t hold it in, could ya, Hanz?" Dapper asked me tauntingly, feeling an ego boost due to me cumming so abruptly, so he took his time, making a few deep, slow thrusts inside of me before he too started to cum, which made me blush deeply and my ears perk up. This felt so new and odd, the flood of his warm, thick mating fluid filling my insides was like nothing I had felt before, it giving me a strange feeling of fullness, and I started taking slow, deep breaths to try and relax.

I panted softly, giving him all the time he needed to finish his peak and eventually he slowly pulled out of me with a bit of a "Pop!" Noise from the combination of my tightness and the wetness of his cum, and he walked around to me and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek
"I can tell that you really enjoyed that, Hanz... perhaps we can do this again next time?" Dapper asked hopefully, and I nodded with a deep blush "Y...yes Dapper, I’d love to do this again sometime....perhaps on Thursday?" He nodded and smiled, then got a towel to clean us up, which was a good idea now that I think about it.... Pinkie would kill me if she found out!

After we were both all cleaned up, I was ready to go home... Dapper really wore me out, so I was tired. "Well Dapper, I had a wonderful time, and I look forward to our next training session." I walked over to the door and opened it, and he smiled softly "Thanks Hanz, I look forward to it too. Perhaps next time I’ll teach you a very special trick" Dapper said with a wink and I nodded, closing the door behind me and starting to walk home, but because I was so tired, I passed out barely 5 steps away.... or I think I did, because when I awoke, I was in the bed with Pinkie back at my house.

I looked around to check if what had just happened was just a dream, or reality.... and after looking myself over, I couldn’t tell. Though there is one thing I do know: I still felt that odd feeling of warmness inside of me.

Just the Two of Us

Just the Two of Us

After waking from my…..interesting dream, I felt like it was finally the time for me to ask Pinkie a question which I had been considering for quite some time…The most important question in any young stallions life. So I went downstairs to make her breakfast while she began to wake up, then when she walked down, she smiled and gave me a hug “Aww, you’re so nice to me Hanzy, what’s the special occasion?”
I looked nervous, but knew it had to be asked “W-well… you see Pinkie, you and I have been dating for quite some time, and since we have settled down here in Hoofenstein, I was wondering if you would…. Well…like to get married?” I blushed deeply and looked away as the words came out of my mouth, but before I could look back at her, she pounced on me and was kissing me all over “Yes, yes, yes! I’d love to Hanzy, we make a great pair, ya know?” She said as she kissed my nose over and over childishly “Though…there is one problem: before we can get married, we would have to go back to Ponyville to get my parents’ permission, would you be willing to take that risk for us?” I had to think about it, but I slowly nodded, nothing was too much to ask of me if it meant me and my love could become official.

I left Pinkie at the house so that she could get ready, as I went back to my brother Adolf’s house, knocking on the door and after being let in by Rarity, I went up to his office and walked in “My brother, I have great news! Me and Pinkie have decided to get married, but in order for us to tie the knot, we need to get her parents’ permission, so I was wondering if you could get the police to escort us to the border, and find a good way to sneak back into Ponyville?”
He smiled and nodded, getting up to hug me happily “Good job on finally settling down with someone, Hanz! And of course, I’ll do everything in my power to help ya, but why not just invade, or get the police to kidnap her parents?”
“I’m sorry Adolf, but if me and her are tying the knot, I want us to do it the right way, so all I ask is for help.”
Adolf frowned, really wishing he could invade Equestria, but nodded and waved his hoof carelessly “Sure then, if you say so. Allow my unicorns to survey the border, and we will be ready for you by 8pm. Just come prepared, because if you get caught, we won’t be able to help you in time.”
I saluted my brother and walked out and back down the stairs to the door “Looks like you got some work to do now, Rarity” I said in a joking manner, and she just rolled her eyes as she let me leave, so I walked out and back to my home.

We went around town enjoying the sights and had a couple of bratwursts from a street vendor, and before we knew it, it was 8pm, so me and Pinkie made our way back to the capital building where we met up with Rarity and 2 large stallions who were with her, apparently members of her survey team. “Ah, it’s good to see you’re on time, Hanz. Now, we found a hole in the wall near the Everfree Forest, which is your best bet to get to her parents house, according to our resident Cartographer.” Rarity said as she walked with Hanz and Pinkie to their destination, on the border to Equestria.
We arrived at a little hole in the Horst Memorial Wall, which separated the evil, capitalist Equestria from our wondrous Fascist Hoofenstein. “Are you sure this will take us to their rock farm, Rarity?” I said, uneasy because everypony knows to never go into the Everfree forest, But she nodded and handed us a map “Yes, just follow the map, and you’ll be alright…but do not stray from the path I marked, do you hear me?” We both nodded and I handed the map to Pinkie before we climbed into the hole and came out on the other side, getting one last look at Hoofenstein before Rarity had the men stationed to guard it in case anyone else tried using it.

“Well…I suppose I’ll lead the way, Hanzy. Since I have the map, after all.” Pinkie said as she nervously took the lead, starting to walk into the forest with me close behind her. The whole place had an eerie vibe to it, the light seeming to fade away into obscurity the deeper they went into it, until the only light that we had was the glow of my horn, acting like a lantern to let my partner read the map.

“Sweety…do you feel like we are being watched?” I asked as I looked left to right, even the trees appearing like threatening objects “Y..yeah, I do Hanzy. You’ll keep me safe, right?” Pinkie nervously said as she led the way “Of course love, I always will.”

And then, like many of us do in life, we came upon a fork in the road. And the darkness seemed to disappear for a moment as we stopped to ponder our course of action. We looked at the map, and despite following the path perfectly, this fork was not on the map anywhere, so we had no clue what to do. “Well…what do you think, Hanzy?” Pinkie asked, looking over to me “I…I don’t know, love. But the path on the left seems cleared and safe, while the one on the right looks like nopony has gone there in years, so surely the one on the left is the one the map means for us to take.” And with that, we began walking down the path on the left and the light stayed with us, not fading unlike last time, so we both agreed that we had made the right choice.

We continued along the path outlined on the map, which seemed to correlate with the road we were on well, until a thick fog seemed to descend upon us, decreasing visibility to a mere 5 feet. We stumbled around in the fog blindly until a figure appeared standing in front of us, and when we approached it, we discovered that it was….Applejack? Or…at least it looked like Applejack in appearance. Upon further looking, I saw that in place of eyes were two black holes with a strange, dark liquid dripping out of them. She didn’t talk; she didn’t do anything but slowly walk towards us “A…applejack? Is that you? What are you doing out here!?” I said as I stepped forward, only to have her growl and jump on me, and I had to hold her off of me with my hooves or else she would have surely killed me “H-help me, Pinkie!” I yelled in horror, and Pinkie took her hidden scalpel she always keeps on her and stabbed it into the back of Applejack as I shoved her off, and she began to drip acidic black blood, but before we stopped to think about it, we both ran off down the path to what we hoped would be safety.

“Hanzy, what was that…that thing?!” Pinkie said as we kept running, but I had just as little of a clue as she did, so I shook my head “We just need to get out of here…where are we on that map?” She pulled out the map and we both looked at it: there was nothing on it. What was once a pathway through a forest was now simply a white dot on a page of nothingness. “Well…looks like we are lost now. We just have to keep going, hope this road leads somewhere.” I said as I took the lead, Pinkie shaking a little from fear.

And then we reached the cliff: beyond which stretched an endless nothing. Upon looking down, the world disappeared behind us, and all that existed was a 5x5 square that we were standing on. I held Pinkie close and nervously placed my hoof down in front of the square, and another 5x5 square appeared for us to step on, so we continued to move forward, but each square behind us continued to fade away into the never-ending nothingness. But on our sides, far off in the distance, were massive shadows that looked like the “Applejack” we ran into earlier.

After 100 feet more of slowly walking along the magical bridge, it stopped forming, and we were trapped there. To our left: Nothing. To the right: Nothing, and just as little behind us. “W..what do we do now, Hanzy?” Pinkie said, looking to me for guidance, but I was just as clueless. “I think this is where we get off?” I said, looking over the ledge and grabbing her as I stepped over the ledge, falling into the blank light of the void, and there was a bright flash of light that blinded me and knocked us both unconscious.

I awoke nearly 5 hours later to the feeling of being dragged by my tail through mud, looking to my right to see Pinkie was still unconscious, and then I looked behind me to see that I was being dragged by my best friend in all of Ponyville: Zekora. “Z….Zekora?” I mumbled weakly, that light having zapped all my energy, and she could not talk because she was busy dragging us, but we eventually got to her hut in the middle of the Everfree forest, where she sat us in the corner and finally told me how she found us.
“Careful young colt, I had heard screams, so I unfastened my doors bolt.”
“I found you and her laying out cold. You must have been running from something quite old”

I nodded weakly, trying to make sense of what she was saying. Had we really been in the forest just running around for all this time? The answer did not truly matter, for we were at least near Pinkies family rock farm now, and I was with a friend who I knew I could trust to house us while we recovered from whatever it was that had drained us so badly.

After a day or so, Pinkie woke up finally, and I told her where we were and what had happened. She didn’t really believe me, but she knew how to get to her rock farm from here, so we decided we would set out soon.
“Oh, Zekora. There is something I must ask you: Since you are my best friend, and I know nopony else would do this for us, would you do me and Pinkie the honor of marrying us once we get her parents permission?
The Idea of the opportunity to serve as the priest at her friend’s wedding delighted Zekora, so she smiled and nodded happily “Yes child, I would be elated to do it, for my services, I will not charge a bit”

Reich Mir Die Hand

Reich Mir Die Hand

With the knowledge that Zekora would serve as our priest, and let us use her hut as a safe haven for us to get married in, I followed my beloved Pinkamena as she lead me through the remainder of the Everfree forest safely, we could see the light from the other end unlike last time. “Gee Pinkie, I’m really excited about the idea of our marriage, but do you really think your parents will give us their consent? I’ve never met them before.”

“Oh Hanzy, don’t you worry your pretty little head, I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, so I know he will give us his consent. And if not, I’m sure I can….persuade them. Pinkie said as she giggled evilly, while in Hoofenstein, we had not tortured a single pony, and I thought for sure that the prospect of using her talents excited her. With that in mind, we walked for what seemed like hours until we finally came out on the other side of the forest, and looking around, all I saw was a barren, rocky landscape with a house and barn that looked old-fashioned even compared to Applejacks farm.

“So….this is where you grew up? A desolate field full of rocks?” I asked, confused. Pinkie nodded and sighed “Y-yeah, I never really had much of a pleasurable Fillyhood, Mom and Dad would make me work every day collecting rocks for the family business, I hated it and wished for oh so long that I could find an escape from here, but one day I just kinda….snapped from all the pressure I suppose, and I killed my big brother, Gaia Terra.” She pointed a hoof over to a lone tree that stood behind the house, it looking like quite an odd sight amongst the rocks “Right back there is where I ended him, I think they buried him there as well. I can’t say for sure, because after that, things just weren’t the same around here, and when I grew up, my parents got me a job at the Bakery in town, and shipped me off. They were really proud of him because he was about to leave to be a geologist”

She took a deep breath and then slowly let it out as she prepared herself, and I hugged her gently “Don’t worry Pinkie, that’s all in the past, and once they tell us we can get married, we won’t have to ever come back to this terrible place, ok? She forced a smile and nodded as we started walking across the field to the house.

I guess that her father saw us walking up to the house, because before we got there, he stepped outside. He was slightly above average in height, and wore an Amish hat that seemed to fit him perfectly, because everything from his personality to his appearance seemed to match. “P-Pinkie? Is that you?” He asked in bewilderment, thinking he would never see his daughter after he had worked so hard to get rid of her the last time.

Pinkie nodded shyly and stepped forward to meet him “Yes dad, I’m sorry for coming back, but I promise it’s just because I have to ask you a question, then I’ll be on my way and you won’t have to worry about me again, ok?”
He nodded nervously “Well? What is it that you came all this way to ask me?”
Pinkie was too nervous to ask, so I stepped forward “Ermm, Mr. Pinkies Dad. The reason we came all this way is so that we could ask if you would…..give me permission to marry your daughter? I’m a very well-off stallion, and I promise I’d take good care of her.”

He looked a little confused that we had come all this way just for that, but he was thinking up a plan in mind, and after a few seconds he put on a fake smile and nodded “Alright, If what you say is true, then I give you permission. But might I ask where you’re getting married at?” I was convinced that he had no intentions, so I told him that we were getting married in a hut in the Everfree Forest, and after that, he waved us off, so I took Pinkie with me and re-assured her that everything was going to be ok now, we just had to get back to Zekora’s house, then we would be off to Hoofenstein again.

“Come on love, that wasn’t so hard, was it? And here I was worried that he would say no!” I said with a laugh and she giggled a little and nodded “Heh, yeah Hanzy…..but I was wondering…. Once we get married, would you like to…well…stop our little hobby that we used to do in the basement? I don’t feel like hurting anypony anymore, I just want to live a happy, peaceful life with you in Hoofenstein.”

I looked a little shocked, but I smiled and gave her a little kiss “If that’s what you want sweety, then of course. I vow to give up killing as well once we get married.” And with that, we happily strolled back to Zekora’s hut with no trouble, and once we got inside, she was wearing an odd purple robe that covered most of her body; I assumed that it was a traditional robe from wherever it is that zebras come from. “I’m happy to see you too again, in your mission, did you win?”

Pinkie and I nodded together and gave each other a big hug, and with that, Zekora gave a big smile as she fetched her priest book from her old country and opened it up “Phillies and Colts, we are here today to join Hanz von Stickhooves and Pinkamena Diane Pie in a bond as tight as bolts.” And with that, she took a few herbs and dropped them into a boiling cauldron that she has in the middle of her hut, then continued “This undertaking is one to not be taken lightly, instead, the two must promise to love each other mightily.” She then stirred the pot a little to make sure they boiled in well. Pinkie and I stood close together, our tails interlocking as we listened to Zekora.

“Hanz von Stickyhooves, hold out your right hoof, over the cauldron please. This next part involves a little squeeze” I was a little confused, but held out my hoof for her, she then took a ceremonial knife and held it to the area right above my hoof “Now Hanz, do you take this Mare: Pinkamena Diane Pie to be your eternal soulmate, to love her with no ending date?” I bit my lower lip nervously, but then looked over at my lovely partner, I knew there was no other way, and with that, I nodded. She then made a gentle yet deep cut into me so that I bled into the cauldron, then rubbed a strange leaf on the cut and it immediately stopped bleeding.

And with that, she asked Pinkie to do the same, and she smiled and eagerly held out her hoof as if this was something she had done before alone quite a lot, Zekora then put the blade to her leg in the same spot “Now Pinkamena, do you take this stallion: Hanz Von Stickyhooves to be your soulmate forever more? To love him weather here, or buried under the floor?” She nodded and held her other arm around me as Zekora cut into her and she bled into the cauldron as well, her blood seeming to be much darker than mine was…I don’t really know why.

After patching Pinkie up as well, she then stirred the pot slowly, making sure everything was mixed perfectly, then she opened up her cupboard and prepared a bowl, pouring a small amount of the mixture into the bowl and handing it to Pinkie and I “Now at last you must drink the potion. With it, your love will forever be in motion.” I looked over at Pinkie who was not surprisingly more than willing to drink another pony’s blood….. But knowing that it was the blood of my lover, I slowly took a mouthful of it, then let her do the same. We stared into each other’s eyes lovingly before swallowing it together. “And with that, two become one. You two are bound together both with life now, and when you are with none.

This was the happiest day of my life, and I felt like me and Pinkie were the only two ponies in the world (well, except for Zekora, but she’s a zebra.) And once we embraced each other, everything else seemed to disappear…..or at least, until we heard the sound of a glass bottle breaking on the roof of the hut, followed by an immense building heat and the sound of a fire spreading. “W-what’s going on?!” I said, slightly panicked. But Zekora offered to check it out, so she opened the door to her hut, and we could all see that the angry mob that had run us out of town before had found us again….and this time, I knew that they had us cornered. I did not know how to cast that teleport spell without the book, which I failed to bring due to it being large and heavy.

“What is the meaning of this? We are in the middle of fulfilling a wish!” Zekora yelled to the crowd, but they were calling out for blood….our blood! And it looked like since Zekora was with us, they were going to use that as reason to kill her too, because seconds after her asking them, a large pony in the crowd hit her hard in the face with his hoof, knocking her back into the building. I rushed to pick her up, and she was bleeding from her nose badly, he must have broken it!

“Pinkie! Do you still have your knife?” I asked her since she seemed to always have one on her, but not this time it would appear “I’m sorry Hanzy…I threw it away when I promised to stop killing….” She backed up away from the door and I knew that we were all going to die in here today, then the pegasus who had managed to escape from our basement stepped forward holding a large dagger and the look of rage in his eyes, I backed up and dropped Zekora who was seemingly unconscious now. He stepped over her and backed me into a corner before he stabbed the large knife into my belly, making blood gush outward onto the floor and onto his hoofs, and I screamed the loudest I had ever screamed before, falling to my knees and trying to hold my hoofs over the wound but to no avail, and I felt the light of my life fading away into darkness, my eyelids getting heavy and then…..I fell over…. motionless and still. “Justice always prevails over evil, you piece of garbage unicorn.” He said as he walked away, and I managed to open my eyes weakly while still being paralyzed, in the act of dying a slow death.

“Hanzy! No…No No No!” Pinkie cried out as I fell over motionless and for all purposes dead, but as I opened my eyes slowly, her father stepped into the hut and pinned her down by her throat to the floor with one powerful hoof, holding a pitchfork in his mouth and aiming it for her chest before thrusting it down so powerfully that Pinkie was pinned to the floor by the sheer power of it, she shrieked in horror and shock for the feeling of having her ribs broken, two of the blades going straight through her heart and making her cough up blood “That’s for taking my one and only son away from me, you worthless beast! He was 20 times better than you could ever dream to be!”….at least she died a quick death….I was still laying there, my skin growing paler by the second and I could feel myself becoming cold….

As he walked out, I saw a purple Unicorn step in front of Zekora’s unconscious body…from what I could tell, she was Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight stood over Zekora who was bloody, beaten, and broken. Not able to even know what was awaiting her, and with that, Twilight leaned down with a small blade and slit Zekoras throat to finish her off “I always wanted to dissect and do some experiments on a zebra, you should feel honored, even if your barbaric people won’t ever benefit from our research. Once Zekora was dead, Twilight dragged her body out of the building by her tail, presumably to her house to get right to work.

That was the last thing I witnessed before I finally bled out and died, it was the most visceral, frightening, painful, and powerless feeling I’ve ever felt in my long, long life…..

But believe me when I say this to you, my young colts and mares, this was not the end. No, this was merely the beginning of a journey that only a select few will ever experience, weather in this life…or the next.

We Are The Noponies

We Are The Noponies

As my eyes slowly closed and I finally passed away, my body now lifeless and beginning to decay, something strange happened. No, there was no bright flash of light, nor was there some feeling of weightlessness. No, I began to feel very heavy, heavier than the very mountains themselves, and the floor under me began to crack. I could not see because there was complete and total blackness, but I swear I could hear it! And as the ground cracked more and more, finally there was a gaping hole that opened up and swallowed me, upon which I began to fall. I reached my hooves forward to try and grab something, but there was nothing there, it was as if there was just me, and this hole. I screamed for help but I knew deep down that there was nopony to hear me, but as I kept falling and falling, I could see a light starting to appear at the bottom of the hole.

This light continued to grow closer and closer, but soon enough the hole came to an end and I fell for a few more yards, until I finally hit the ground. I winced hard in expectation of extreme pain, yet gravity seemed to act differently in this strange place, because I landed on all my hoofs, gently. I kept my eyes half closed because after so much darkness, I had to adjust to light again, but as I waited, I noticed it was rather cold here compared to Ponyville, feeling even colder than the feeling I had as I bled out. Looking around, all that lay before me was a vast landscape of snow and ice, the wind blowing quite hard and making it feel all that much colder.

“W…where the hell am I?” I asked myself, only later would I learn the irony of the question. I used my magic to give myself a thick winter coat, and began looking around but to no avail, this placed seemed to be a barren, markless land. On my journey I came upon a hill however, so I climbed to the top of it and looked around, seeing nothing all around me, until…. Far, far off in the distance, I could see a small outline of a familiar-looking pony. “Finally I see somepony! I don’t care who it is, I need some information on where exactly I am!” And with that, I took off running as fast as I could, the snow slowing me down and making an audible crunch noise under my hoofs.

Approaching the mysterious figure, I managed to get 10 yards away from it before it turned to face me, an average sized white earth pony with a pen on top of a British flag. “S-sir, could you please tell me where am I? I just got here, and I have no earthly idea” I asked, and he simply responded with this: “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” I looked at him, confused but asking again “So…where EXACTLY are we then, Mr.? And why is it so cold?” He sighed and shook his head “A toothache, or a violent passion, is not necessarily diminished by our knowledge of its causes, its character, its importance or insignificance. And you may call me Thomas Eliot” He said as he started to walk away slowly, fading away into the background of the snowy white landscape.

“This is the strangest place I have ever seen in my life…and nopony is making any sense!” I said as I started walking in the other direction in hope of finding some sort of explanation as to where I was. In the far off distance I saw a large mountain coated in snow, and so I began walking towards it in hopes of finding somepony else who would make a little more sense. As I got closer, I saw a small cage that couldn’t have been larger than 20ft square. Inside was a larger than normal earth pony “Sir, what are you doing in that cage?” I asked, curious “That is a good question…..Why don't they release me? Why must I suffer so? I alone tried to bring about peace in the world and for this I must stay here the longest. It is not right. It is not just! All I want is to go home and die in peace and be buried in the garden.” He said, crying. “I-ill try and find a way to get you out of here, ok?” He nodded and I looked at a sign by the cage, it reading “Rudolf Hess: to remain here eternally” And with that, I ran off, having no intention of returning, but wanting to at least be polite to somepony who has suffered so much.

Walking away, I remembered: Pinkie had died along with me, so perhaps she is in this place as well? I kept that thought in the back of my mind, knowing that simply running off and calling her name wouldn’t do much good for either of us. If anypony can take care of herself, it would be Pinkie.

The snow and blankness seemed to drag on forever, and I began to lose hope. I fell down in the snow and its icy chill gripped my body despite my warm jacket, making me want to give up. I slowly looked up and saw the strangest thing: The snow seemed to be rising up and forming into the shape of one of those monsters I saw in the Everfree forest…but the worst part was: It was shambling towards me! I weakly got up and tried running away, but the cold had worn on my body so badly that I could barely force a trot, I could hear the beast catching up to me, and I whimpered loudly, knowing I was going to be eaten or worse by it.

I looked backward to see where it was, and doing that made me lose my balance and fall onto my back, looking up at the intimidating snow beast, and right as it gazed down at me, I heard the loudest “Boom!” I had ever heard in my life, it making me yelp and put my hooves over my ears, and as I sat there, shivering I looked up to see that the monster had fallen over onto its back and was for all matters: Dead. I couldn’t believe it, what made that loud sound that saved my life? I looked behind me to see a small dark grey unicorn holding a strange device in his hoof; he had a funny looking mustache and short, slicked hair. “I’m quite glad that I saw that beast in time, otherwise I’m sure you would have bit the bullet so to speak.” I slowly stood up and nodded, breathing deeply and my breath very visible due to the coldness “T-thank you so much Sir, I had no idea there were monsters out here!”

He nodded “Yes, indeed there are. And you won’t get far unless you have something like this” He said as she showed me his odd gadget, pouring some black power into it and then dropping a metal marble inside before stuffing it tight with a metal stick “In case you don’t know, this is called a Flintlock pistol” I looked confused at the odd device, but I knew for sure it worked, because it had just saved my life. “Well, if you perhaps have a spare, may I have one, sir?” He shook his head “A Stallion must make his own existence. Besides, I only have this one.” I looked worried but nodded “Well, could you at least tell me where we are?” He laughed and gave a smirk “Ah that is quite simple: We are wherever you wish to make this place. For is not life simply what we make of it?” I glared and growled a little “I’m getting tired of all these dumb remarks, can nopony simply give me a definite answer?!” He turned and started to walk away “I may not, however, I will give you a piece of advice: Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” And with that, he disappeared. I had forgotten to ask of him his name, but since he’s one of those weird philosopher types, I doubt he would have given me an answer to that either!

I went about my own business again, until in the distance I heard the same boom that the unicorn’s pistol had made, only there was many booms back to back, which got my hopes up that there must logically be a great number of ponies over there. I started galloping the best I could to greet them, but as I got closer, I saw the oddest thing: there were only 2 earth ponies that were making those noises! They were surrounded by what must have been 25 of those snow monsters, yet they didn’t seem to care at all…no, they were laughing more than Pinkie did! In their hooves were devices even stranger than the unicorns, because they could fire shot after shot without having to reload. In no time, all the snow monsters were dead and they gave each other a high-hoof before reloading.

The one on the left noticed me off in the distance and he pulled out a very long device with what looked like a telescope on top of it, then he shot at me, which made me duck down quickly. I called out to them the loudest I could “Don’t shoot; I’m not one of them!” They looked at each other and waved to me, telling me to come closer. I did as they asked and stepped forward until we could see each other well: they were both pale white ponies, as white as the snow almost, but their features made them stand out from the snow. The pony on the left had long, blond hair and wore black sunglasses, and the one on the right had a black baseball cap on backwards. I couldn’t make out their cutie marks because they were both wearing long, black coats.

“T-thank you two for not shooting me…. I’m horribly lost in this strange place and I’ve only been here for a few hours. Who are you two?” They chuckled and the one on the right spoke first “Well, let me be the one to say: Welcome to the rest of your life. We’ve been here for…well, how long now, Dylan?” He said as he asked his friend, who checked a small paper he had “Well…according to my chart, it’s been over 13 years, Eric” I opened my eyes wide and gasped “W-what?! I’m going to be trapped here forever? Where exactly is this?!” The blond pony laughed and smiled “Ah, you don’t know? Welcome to Hell, my friend. Get used to it, of course, me and Eric love it here. It’s just like a video game!” I whimpered loudly and hung my head down, knowing that escape now is impossible. “Well, I may not be able to leave, but have either of you seen a Pink pony around here?” Eric scratched his head and thought for a moment “Hmm….let me think… I think we might have somewhere back there, she seemed to be having fun like we are though, so we left her alone.” I smiled and that make me cheer up a little: I may not be able to leave, but at least I’ll be able to find my wife.

“Thank you two, you don’t know how much help that is!” I said as Dylan reached into a bag and pulled out a pistol, handing it to me “No problem friend, but take this, trust me, you’ll need it.” I took the gun clumsily and nodded, taking it with me “Thanks guys, thank you so much. If I ever get out of here….I’m gonna write a story and reference you two in the title!” They laughed and walked off to go find more monsters to kill, leaving a trail of death behind them that I followed in search of my lovely Pinkie. I knew that if I could find her, we could get out of this place. And with this fancy pistol, I felt safe…well, at least, more safe than before.

I heard marching in the distance, so I made my way over to a small hill and looked over it cautiously, and I saw the strangest thing: There was a small brown earth pony leading a group of 30 snow monsters…this caught me off guard, because as far as I had seen, the snow beasts had only wanted to kill everypony. I used my magic to make some binoculars appear, and looking through them, I saw that he was wearing a Roman helmet and a long crimson cape. As he marched I could see his cutie mark faintly: and it was a picture of himself! “Let them hate me so long as they fear me, for I Caligula still live!” He said proudly as he led his “Troops” across the frozen wasteland. It would have been interesting to follow them and see what would happen if he, Eric, and Dylan met, but I simply stayed hidden until they passed.

Continuing on with my search for my beloved, I must have traveled for miles, shivering despite my thick coat and I could feel the cold getting to me. I kept walking towards yet another high mountain off in the distance where I could see a faint glow on the right side….”Surely somepony must be there, who knows, perhaps there will be a fire to warm up by” and with that, I slowly made my way over there, the snow beasts apparently busy dealing with Dylan and Eric back there, because I had yet to see any more. Approaching the mountain, I could make out the faint glow better: it was indeed a fire!

I called out to whoever may be up there while walking up to the entrance of the cave that housed the fire, yet nopony replied, so I assumed the owner must have left some time ago. I sat down by the fire to warm myself, and I took a deep sigh of relief, the fire feeling so very good after freezing for so long out there in the snow. And as I relaxed, I couldn’t hear the faint clip-clopping noise that was getting closer to me from within the darkness over the crackle of the warm fire. I gently closed my eyes before they then jolted open, something was pulling me back! “You just made the last mistake of your miserable life, you evil snow monst-!” The figure stopped its sentence and gasped, looking me over “H-hanzy! Is that you?!” I heard the figure exclaim, and with that, I knew exactly who it was, so I quickly turned around to see my lovely wife, Pinkie. She was covered in snow and blood, her mane a much redder crimson from it being coated in blood, but I did not care, because I had finally found her. “Yes Pinkie, It’s me, and I’m so happy to have found you!” I said, hugging her oh so tightly and feeling a weight lifted off of my heart.

We must have laid there for hours in a loving embrace because neither one of us wanted to let go of the other. But we eventually did, and the first question I asked was how she got here. “Well, you see Hanzy, after my dad killed me, I think I fell through the ground or something, because when I woke up I was wayyyyy over there.” She pointed with her hoof to an unassuming spot in the snow with some blood on it. “After that, these weird snow monsters just kinda came up out of the ground and tried to kill me, so I did what any mare in my position would do: I bit one of their legs off and beat the rest of them to death with it!” She giggled and blushed a little “After that, I drug a couple of their bodies into this cave and used one to start a fire, and then I ate another one. Didn’t taste as good as the ponies up there did, but I’m not hungry anymore, at least” I smiled and kissed her, entertained by her story, yet not really surprised by any of the details.

She then went on to say: “Though, I think there might be a little room left in me for a certain grey unicorn” She winked at me and giggled, moving one of her hoofs down to rub my groin gently, making me blush and gasp softly “O-oh my, Pinkie, your actually….in the mood in a place like this?” I asked shyly, and she nodded, pushing me onto my back and rubbing my groin harder, making me start to get hard quickly as I gazed up at the lovely face of my wife Pinkamena, her blood-soaked hair actually making her look even more attractive than she already was. “Heehee, looks like somepony is in the mood to party as well” She poked my nose and giggled childishly and I blushed deeply “Don’t forget the #1 rule of a party: everypony is supposed to have fun” She smirked and I took that as a hint, playfully pushing her off of me onto her back and I slowly leaned my head down to her groin, starting to lap lovingly at her sugar-flavored slit, making her moan softly and smile. I looked up at her while slipping my tongue into it, moving my tongue around to the best of my abilities because I didn’t honestly do this very often.

She put her hooves on my cheeks and pulled me up, giving me a kiss on the cheek before saying with a grin “Mmmn, you did good at that, now let’s see if you’re a real party animal!” She gave my body one quick tug and somehow managed to force the first half of my length into her warm, wet slit without me even knowing I was lined up so perfectly, which made me moan and lean down to kiss her. I immediately started thrusting deeply into her and she wrapped her hooves around me to keep me close, apparently enjoying the ride from what I could tell.

“Ohhh, Hanzy, go faster!” She moaned out and I was happy to oblige, picking up the pace and bucking my hips so that I would have a chance at hitting her sweet spot, but for now, I was honestly just caught up in the moment of finally getting to consummate our marriage, even if it was in this cave. She wrapped her legs around me and grinned evilly as she made the walls of her amazing slit tighten around me, which made me moan out loudly as I tried to keep going without finishing too quickly, but in return for her little trick, I gave her a firm, hard thrust up against her inner wall which made her body go limp as she moaned from pleasure. Soon enough though, we were both at our breaking point, but I kept trying my hardest, hitting her upper wall each time until she finally rolled her eyes back and laid limply on the floor as she started to orgasm, the sudden extra tightness forcing me over the edge too and I arched my back a little, starting to cum deeply inside of my new wife and laying weakly on top of her, panting heavily and both of our breaths very visible due to the cold. We slowly fell asleep in each other’s arms by the warm, snow-beast fueled fire, and for the first time since I arrived here, I felt truly happy.

So Pinkie and I set up shop, so to speak, here in the mountain. We didn’t really have any kind of survival problems anymore, but one day I was out searching for more snow beasts when I heard a voice in my head….. No, not just any voice like the ones the Dr. told me to ignore, either. I heard the voice of Zekora, who also appeared in front of me “Child do not be afraid, this is simply how I am now made” I looked confused but nodded, her rhymes not always being understandable. “Zekora, where are you exactly? I haven’t seen you around here.” She shook her head “No, I did not go here. I am in another land. One that is much more grand.
But listen now, you were my only friend. And for that, I will help you escape your end.
300 yards to the west is a portal, when you go through it, you will be alive, but not mortal.”
I opened my eyes wide and couldn’t believe it “You-You mean to say that Pinkie and I can go?”

She nodded and slowly started to fade away “Yes, Tell Pinkie that I love you both. But before I go: make me an oath. When you return to Ponyville, go to my hut and look for a blue book. You can use it to revive me, using what Twilight Sparkle took.” I nodded and tried to hug her but I couldn’t because she wasn’t technically there. “Yes Zekora, I promise that I will revive you as well, and thank you for helping us get out of this hell” She giggled “You don’t HAVE to rhyme, you know?” And with that, she faded away to wherever it is her spirit resides for now.

I rushed back to our camp to tell Pinkie, and just in time too, because she was dragging in a new body to use in the fire “Pinkie! I have great news! Zekora has opened a portal for us to return to Ponyville with, but we have to hurry!” She stopped to question me, but I grabbed her hoof and dragged her with me, the portal in sight to the west. I ran as fast as I possibly could while carrying Pinkie, and within a few minutes I reached the portal, stepping through it without hesitation.

Inside this strange portal, there was a loud, hissing noise and I couldn’t see anything. It was as if I was blinded by a bright light, and while blinded, I could feel the air around me starting to increase dramatically in temperature. I bit my lip hard to try not to scream, it was so painfully hot! All Pinkie did was hold onto me tight because neither of us knew what was going to happen to us, or where we would come out on the other side. And then, right as I thought I was going to die from heat and from the pure brightness, I heard the loudest crack of thunder I had ever heard in my life, and in an instant, Pinkie and I appeared on the ground in the wake of a lightning bolt, the earth and trees around us charred and burning.

We lay there on the ground, the entire experience zapping us of energy, and after an hour, I heard a very familiar noise: the sirens that were sounded by the Brandinburg Fire Patrol, who put out the fires and recognized me quite easily, since I was their Deputy Herr. Pinkie and I were put on a cart together and wheeled off to the hospital to make sure we were ok. “Well…you two seem to be alive and well, even though I can’t detect a heartbeat in either of you” The nurse said as she placed a stethoscope against my chest, failing to hear anything. “While medically you are both dead, you seem to be very much alive…. So I shall let you both go free, Mr. and Mrs. Deputy Herr.” And with that, we walked out peacefully and returned to my large manor, crawling up the stairs and then I lay down in bed, Pinkie soon following afterward and yawning loudly “mmmn, that was quite an adventure you and I had, Hanzy. I feel like I could sleep forever!” she then snuggled up to me and I hugged her gently before she passed out. “Me…too…Pinkie…..” I said as I fainted from lack of energy.

Pinkie was busy decorating our mansion when I woke up, so I ate one of her home-made muffins and went to go see my brother Adolf at the Reichstag to ask him if he could help me fulfill my promise to Zekora. I knocked on the door and Rarity let me in like always, but she seemed a little nervous because news had started to spread about how Pinkie and I died. I walked on up the staircase to his office and went inside, knowing I didn’t need to ask if it was ok “Good morning brother!” I said as I sat down in the office and he smiled, happy to see that I’m still alive, technically. “Yes…good morning Hanz, I’m very happy to see that your alive, which means our succession is secure once again. But tell me: are the rumors of your death true?” I nodded and looked away “Yeah, Pinkie, Zekora, and I were murdered at our wedding by the ponies that ran us out of town last time. But Zekora managed to return us here in exchange for bringing her back.

“That is very interesting Hanz, now, where is this Zekora that you were talking about?” He looked eager to learn about this pony who must be a powerful sorceress “Well, that’s the thing: In order to bring her back, I need the help of you and the Secret Police. I need you to authorize them to go into Ponyville and retrieve her belongings from her hut in the Everfree forest, and get her body back from Twilight Sparkles house, the giant tree in the middle of town.”

He smiled and clopped his hooves together “Good, I’m glad you finally came around to invading Ponyville!” And with that, he stamped his approval on the paper I handed him. Then it was simply the waiting game…after 2 weeks, Pinkie and I went up to the Capitol building and met with Rarity and her large stallions who had gathered everything we needed. “Sir, the only book that survived was this odd, blue one. I hope this is ok?” Rarity asked, and I nodded “Yes, that will do just fine. You are dismissed, all of you.” They left to go back to their posts, and in my office in the capitol, I prepared her body for resurrection according to the book, placing a single bit on her tongue and pouring a small amount of alicorn blood on her forehead “Oannes Dagon, Ithaqua Koth. Nyarlathotep Quyagen. Sthood von Summanus!” I knew not what the words meant, but there was a horribly demonic screaming growling noise that surrounded Pinkie and I, making the walls shake like an earthquake. During the “Earthquake”, a large picture came off of the wall and hit me in the back of the head, knocking me unconscious, but I came to in an hour. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw Zekora standing over me and smiling happily that I was ok, and that we had kept our promise to revive her…the oddest part was that her body was perfectly healed now, and you couldn’t tell she had ever died, just like with us! “Thank you two for doing as you told, for that was quite bold.” She kissed my cheek gently to thank me, and gave Pinkie a big hug; I was glad that she was going to be ok now.

“I’m so glad that your ok Zekora, I was just doing what any good friend would do…but now that your house is gone, and your rejected from Equestria just like Pinkie and I, what will you do now?” She thought for a moment, before coming to this idea: “Yes, my old life was taken in an instant…but perhaps here, you will let me stay as your assistant?” I thought about it: It would be great to have a powerful, loyal sorceress as my assistant, so I agreed. “Of course Zekora, In fact, if Pinkie is ok with it, we have an extra room at our manor that you could stay in, what do you think, love?” I asked and Pinkie nodded and hopped up and down happily “Yay, of course! I’m always looking to make new friends!”

And so: Pinkie, Hanz, and Zekora went back to their home together and showed Zekora her room. She was shocked because she had been accustomed to living in a small shack, so this massive home was like a maze to her. Pinkie and I went into the kitchen to bake a lunch, and as we were preparing some muffins to put in the oven, she gave me quite a surprise. “Hey Hanzy, speaking of baking, I think we might have a little colt or filly ‘baking’ inside of me, because I’ve felt kinda funny ever since we slept by the fire down there.” She rubbed her belly with a hoof and giggled…I opened my eyes wide at the prospect. I could be becoming a dad?! “T-that’s wonderful news Pinkie….. I guess it was just meant to be then, for you and I to meet and have a little colt or filly….or two….or who knows, maybe even three?” I chuckled and kissed her lovingly while the Muffins baked, then when they were done, we sat down together and ate until we just couldn’t anymore…..man, I had really missed my wife’s cooking!

As I sit and think about it, life really does have a funny way of giving us everything we really need. It may not have been easy, it may have taken several years, but I can finally say that I am happy with my life here in Hoofenstein, with my job as Deputy Herr (I’ll be getting promoted to Herr when Adolf dies, I will surely outlive him, because the three of us are immortal now.) with my best friend Zekora, my lovely wife Pinkie, and however many foals we end up having in our unlimited time here together.

My, My……. What a long, strange trip it has been.