Saviors of Nothing

by Stillmatic

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 11622

Two Royal Honor Guards spend their time lazing about, not doing their jobs, drinking, doing drugs, and generally causing trouble as they serve under the Princesses.

Viz and Wyk are the worst soldiers in the Royal Honor Guard. Their daily routine of guarding plants and bickering with other guards hasn't led them to much of anywhere, except the local pubs they hang around after hours and the bordellos Viz tends to frequent. Follow these two comrades on their daily journeys and escapades as they continually fail in their duties to defend Equestria.

Published 2013-01-12 09:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-23 02:47:12 UTC

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Honor Guard

Viz & Wyk: Saviors of Nothing
By Lucius Seneca and Stillmatic
Chapter One: Welcome to the Honor Guard

Mornings. He always did like mornings, however tedious they could get. As for his shifts, they began early, and he was always up at the mandated time for a guard. Six A.M. was not a time many liked to be up at, but a job was a job, and this paid somewhat decently for the amount of work he put in. His name was Sunshine Drip, a Royal Honor Guard stationed wherever it was that Princess Celestia needed him, no matter how ridiculous the request was. And frankly, they got quite ridiculous.

As he passed through the botany gardens and around the hedges surrounding the statues, the stallion stopped by a pond to gaze at his reflection. Sunshine Drip wasn't stunning, nor hideous by any regards, but as he preferred for the most part, he could definitely stay under the radar. A light-grey coat, darker colored mane, and brown eyes were all that seemed to compose him past his armor. Atop his helmet was a hole that let his horn through, and another for his mane. His Cutie Mark, an effigy of the sun wearing a pair of shades and little droplets of sunshine coming off it, was one in a million.

"Sexy," he complimented towards himself while flexing his forelegs.

Moving forward, the unicorn guard trotted into the Royal Greenhouse and took a plant waterer in his magical grip. He began pouring a shower over the plants he passed as he did every morning, making sure they all got their fill of the precious liquid. Five minutes into his job, hoofsteps from outside made themselves apparent. The stallion turned to see someone turning the doorknob and entering.

Lance Corporal Wyk poked his head in and looked at his partner, "You're early."

"I am. Got a problem with that, bub?"

Wyk closed the door behind him, "You got real tough since you dyed your mane, didn't you, Viz?"

The nicknamed guard in question ran a hoof through the parts of his mane that broke free from the top of the helmet, "Jealous, as usual, of my voluptuous and volumetric mane? It is all natural, after all."

There was a series of chortles and suppressed laughter from both guards. Wyk, technically Viz's subordinate, was actually listed on the palace personnel sheet as Hazy Lotuses, but neither Viz nor Wyk really went by their real names, as embarrassing as they were. Although, there was many a time where the other guards, ragamuffins the bunch of them, would mock the two by calling them by their legal names, usually to provoke a colorful response from the two substandard soldiers.

Greenhouse duty was a joke to every guard in the palace. It was boring, hot, and lasted a total of six hours. In those six hours, the two guards stationed there had one duty: water the plants. It wasn't to say that it was a very hard job, but rather that each plant needed a certain amount of water applied at a certain time. So it was more of a precise job than anything else. Why Wyk and Viz were put on greenhouse duty again and again was mystery to both of them. In the past year, they had managed to cause the tragic deaths of over thirty plants and had also managed to lose several canisters of rare Zebrisian fertilizer. These mistakes were overruled by their incompetence and lack to manage any other job, however, and so Viz and Wyk began their day watering tulips, roses, and the dreaded venus fly trap which was more of a mutant than plant.

Viz watered a potted poison joke before setting down the tool, "So, how was that charity party last night? I heard things got pretty wild."

"I can't remember applecakes." Wyk rubbed at his armored neck, "The collar on this is driving me nuts. That party was wack, and not the good kind either. You know Daisy Dancer, that chick from Las Pegasus?"

"What of her?"

"She got wasted on that cheap wine they give out for free at the bar! Then some dude caught her blowing one of Princess Luna's personal guards on that mezzanine in the west wing!" Wyk snickered.

"Damn. Shoulda been me."

Fanning himself with a crinkled fern leaf, Wyk shook his head, "That's greasy. You know she slept with Senator Trots. He's like seventy six and we both know she's always doing the dirty dance with a new guy each week."

Viz removed his helmet and ran a faucet over his head to cool off, "You know what they say, practice makes a gal you wanna get with because she knows how to do things that'll rock the boat all night long and probably strand you out in sea with no help."

"Yeah and when you're out there in the sea, you realize your paddle is infected with woodworms and it'll never work again." Wyk sat down in a seat with obvious wear, "I don't get why you don't date Juniper. Her dad is rich, she wants you, doesn't even look at anyone else, me included, and could probably rock your boat just as hard as bathroom-blower herself."

"Uhh..." He cocked his head slightly to the side and placed a hoof beneath his chin, "Say what? Juniper? You sure? I mean... those looks are kind of menacing sometimes..."

Wyk throw his hooves up in disbelief, "She wants the D in her V and she probably wants to get P, don't you see? As for the looks, it's only because she catches you staring at whats-her-name. That one replacement from Baltimare. Sky Star or something."

"Wants to get P? She wants pussy? Well, damn..."

"Pregnant." Wyk tossed a fertilizer canister to his comrade, "It's 6:15 and we both know what that means."

"Pregnant?! Nope. No way am I going to do something crazy like that. Anyway..." Viz hoisted the waterer again and nonchalantly trotted to a massive venus fly trap, "I think she's alright." He began watering it, keeping eye contact with Wyk for conversational purposes despite the fickle plant's salivating mouth. "I mean, if she REALLY likes me, why doesn't she ask ME out? Hmm?" He set down the waterer and walked away, not noticing the snapping maw that was now where he stood a moment ago.

Wyk leaned back and removed several hand-rolled poison joke joints from a drawer, lighting two and passing one to Viz, "You know, maybe she doesn't ask because she knows how awkward you get when you're around her." Both took long hauls on their blunts, "I remember when I found out inhalation doesn't do nuggets to you. It's the physical touch that makes you all bucky."

"Pfft. You know what I think? I think mares should ask out stallions more often." Viz took another puff, "But then who pays the check? Hmm..."

"The invitee pays the damn check. That's the way it goes." Wyk coughed and waved his hoof, "The mind of the female pony is a complex enigma which I shall never begin to understand nor be able to fathom."

"Because you're a chauvinistic mule, is why. Yeah, I went there. Besides, I'm not planning on getting tied down any time soon. I don't screw with that."

Standing now, Wyk lit another joint, and went to check the humidifier, "I'm about as misogynistic as you are intelligent, which is to say not at all. Seriously though, Viz, I think you should ask her out. It's been over a year since Dreamer left you. You could use a new special somepony."

Viz shuddered at the word usage, "Don't say something like 'special somepony', we aren't foals anymore. And why? You know how hard it is to be in the stupid Honor Guard AND maintain a relationship. It's like hell!"

"Whatever. The point is that you and I are here for another four years minimum and it's forbidden to date another member of the Honor Guard! You remember what happened to Sparkler and I? They transferred her down to Horseshoe Bay! Two years together gone! It's getting more and more fascist here. What i'm trying to say is that you should take the opportunity. Celestia knows how much you drink on the weekend and I know damn well that you're lonely. Always inviting me on pub crawls and crap like that."

"Bah. You never like plot-chasing. No strings attached is the best kind of plot. Relationship-plot is plot you have to work for, and just take a look at our work ethic so far."

Wyk laughed at the closing statement, "I never liked dragging your sorry flank home after you collapsed. For a while everyone thought we were gay because you spent the weekends at my place, passed out and vomiting whiskey."

"Ah, whiskey. A cruel madame... Reminds me of that one mare, what was her name again? Dropatini or something? Anyway, let's finish up, I wanna get the hay outta here already."

"She is a seductive mistress, isn't she?" Wyk tossed the butt of his blunt into an empty pot, "We've got performance reviews. You remember, right? Those two chumps from the east wing are taking over for now. Which means we're off duty for the rest of the day."

"Whatever. Let's vamoos!"

"Vamoosing!" Wyk repeated as he opened the door and ran into the replacements.

Honor Guard Shade and Honor Guard Brick were probably the most annoying, condescending guards in palace grounds and Brick, like the dense fool that he was, let loose with an insult as Viz and Wyk passed by, "You boys gonna go deliver some mail for Celestia? You the mail boys around here?"

Shade seemed excited by the premise of a vocal conflict, "Yeah, yeah! Gonna deliver mail, boys?"

"Actually, we were thinking of paying a visit to your lady friends," Viz admitted. "Heat Band and Thunder Rose sure are some swell looking pieces of plot. Don'tcha think so, Wyk?"

Wyk nodded solemnly, "Yeah." He pretended to check an invisible bag near his side, "Oh, I do have some mail, though! These letters are addressed to Honor Guard Brick and Honor Guard Shade! They say, 'Buck off, dicktwigs'. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have business to do."

The two brutes had obviously lost the will to continue and let the friends pass, slamming the door behind them.

"Punks," Viz mocked. "Meet up in twenty? Gotta drop off the uniform. I don't like mares thinking I'm some beefed up jackass just because of the metal."

"Yeah, yeah. Apartment as usual." Wyk replied, "I gotta let this high wear off, too. See you in twenty."

"Catch ya later, griffon baster."

Wyk was nearing comatose in the sluggish hallway heat. Slumped over haphazardly in the chair, the loquacious guard seemed already fast asleep by the time Viz arrived, free of his armor, but still sweaty from the heat of the summer's early morning sun.

Viz promptly shook Wyk awake and sat in a seat lazily, "What were we supposed to do again?"

"We're going in for our performance review." Wyk yawned, "They have them at the end of every year, remember?"

Viz let out a groan and stood back up. Despite living right across the hall from each other, Viz usually found himself lazing about his friend's apartment more often than not. The two soon locked their appropriate doors and headed out of the building, to the far more bureaucratic section of Canterlot. Neither really liked that area of the city, but their jobs usually meant that they were forced to visit it often within the work week.

The walk was long and boring, with neither guard bothering with conversation. Both knew all too well that they were in for a lecture and probably a demotion. The past year had been their worst, with faults like inciting physical confrontations, arriving late and intoxicated, absent without leave. These were but a few of the many infractions both guards had been accused of, with their names being further tarnished. While Wyk simply didn't care, Viz was probably messing up purposefully to spite his family, a rich, upper class collection of nobles and snobs who, with their money, managed to prematurely promote their youngest son to a higher position, although they did not pay for him to skip the basic training segment of military life.

Wyk was a different character. While Viz's family was wealthy, Wyk's was middle class. Modesty was prominent in Wyk's early years, but after a stretch of panhandling following being kicked out of his home and a small jail sentence, he had managed to coax his way into the Canterlot Guards and, by some stoke of luck - most likely the affair with his superior - was transferred into the prestigious Royal Guard where he had run amuck of his close companion and friend, Viz.

Though, even money and connections could only help them for so long. Inevitably, there would be a time when they would need to prove themselves and show that they were worth the bits they received for constantly slacking off, but that seemed to be in the distant future. For now, all they had to deal with was the annoying reviews that were imposed on all guards. Such red tape left anypony in a state of anxiousness, if not annoyance. Regardless of how they felt, however, the necessity to keep their jobs was all the motivation they needed to drag their flanks into an administrative building and get yelled at.

The walk to the Bureau of Bureaucracy was long and one of hardship, valor, and a slow pace. The duo took their time to get the building, but soon arrived and were trotting through the ever-bustling, always-air-conditioned building. It was a magnificent testament to how much money and time was wasted on frivolous red tape in Equestria, but it was necessary to keep the country running, no matter how much of a money sink it was. After all, if there wasn't some sort of order to be seen by the citizens, where would their sense of normalcy be? It truly was a magnificent construct.

The wait was relatively short and both guards were admitted to the Review Examiner's office relatively quickly, with Viz being pulled away from an exchange of flirtations with the secretary. The Review Examiner himself was a short, squat stallion with a bushy mustache that made him seem experienced, but the lack of wrinkles around his eyes suggested he was only in his late thirties. Wyk and Viz seated themselves across from the stallion and briefly shook hooves with him as he reminded them absently that the meeting was to discuss their shortcomings and progress and that it was not his position to discharge them from service, as that was primarily their immediate commander's responsibility, and if not him, then the princesses themselves.

"I believe it is best to start with you, Lance Corporal Lotuses." Said the Examiner with stern tone.

Wyk nodded, "Yes, sir."

Flipping through the thick dossier in front of him, the Examiner paused and read aloud, "Lance Corporal Wyk continues to show poor attitude in relation to his position. He has been arrested numerous times by military police and in the recent months, court marshaled twice for drunk and disorderly behavior and, on a separate occasion, also arrested for possession of a royal narcotic. Why he continues to serve Equestria is a mystery and I strongly recommended he be dishonorably discharged or demoted and transferred to another post. Colonel Straight-Back."

There was a long silence before Wyk spoke, "That is correct sir."

"Oh, I know." The Examiner said, "And I agree with every word here. I mean, narcotics? Alcohol? Prostitutes and AWOL several times a year? You are a joke, soldier! You should consider yourself lucky that somepony ranking higher than your own colonel has yet to tell you to get lost! You are a damn mess, that is a fact! You are a disgrace to your unit! I ought to smack some sense into you. Embarrassments the both of you."

"Sir." Wyk replied tightly.

"And don't think I forgot about you, Staff Sergeant Drip."

Viz was staring at the tail of the secretary before turning quickly at the call of his name, "Huh?" He cleared his throat, "Sir, I take full responsibility for my actions."

The Examiner crossed his forelegs, "Really? That's quite admirable. Taking full responsibility for a series of drunken mishaps, missing plants, broken shields and several complaints from your fellow guards. Namely a specific gaggle of troublemakers who you two seem to file complaints against as well. Not only that, but you're even taking the fall for the three-thousand bits in damages to public property? It's downright honorable," the stallion finished sarcastically.

Viz's ears fell back, "Everything except for the damage, sir. I was framed by those two dinguses."

Their Examiner placed a hoof on the bridge of his muzzle, shaking his head, "I just don't understand how we employ the likes of you. I really don't. What do you two have to say for yourself?"

Wyk found the situation funny at that moment. It was so absurd. Who was this dingleberry to judge him? All he did was sit in an office, power tripping and screaming at ponies who couldn't defend themselves for fear of being reprimanded even worse. If this nut sat six hours in a greenhouse watering venus fly traps, he'd be just as drunk and disorderly.

"Is something funny, Lance Corporal Lotuses?" Came the heated reply.

The smile vanished from Wyk's face, "No, sir! We have no excuse!"

The Examiner seemed disgusted, "Get out of my sight. Next time you come back here, you two better have improved or i'll be writing a very strong letter to your superiors."

The mistakes took their leave quickly, with Viz slapping the secretary's plot as he ran by, Wyk in two. They burst out onto the street and, despite the heat, laughed and slapped each other on the back. Wky straightened up, "A letter to our superiors! My body trembles with fear! At least we didn't get demoted!"

"Hah, do we even have superiors?" Viz thought for a moment, "Wait, don't we answer to the Princesses?"

Wyk lost his mirth, "Oh, cowflakes. Do they actually read the reports?"

Viz scratched the back of his head, "I'd think Princess Luna would, with how much she tries to act like she's the cool aunt to us. Not sure about Princess Celestia though... she hates me so much for some reason."

"They can't transfer you if you're dating a palace noble." Wyk raised his eyebrow at Viz, "See what I'm saying?"

Viz's eyebrows furrowed, "What noble would get with either of us? I had my eye on Cadence for a long while, but that loser got to her first..."

" That 'loser' would throw you in shackles if he heard you say that. I'm talking about Juniper, you tool. If you got with her, you wouldn't have to worry about your report! Even though we don't really worry regardless, but still. It'd be better than going with that skank, Dancer, anyway." Wyk replied.

The grey stallion scoffed loudly, "And what about you? You're still on the fringe without some gal by your side, ya know. And Dancer is not a skank! She's experienced!"

Wyk blew air nosily from his lips, "I live the fringe life! And she is a skank. A big skank."

"You're soft, bro. So soft that you can't recognize a mare with skill. Me? I can feel the skill leaking from her flank. Can feel it."

"The only thing that's soft about me is my dick when I see that mare." Wyk shuddered, "And the only thing leaking from her flank is the fluid of the entire Royal Senate and half the Royal Guard. Besides, I'll land somepony soon enough."

"Ah, buck it. Let's head to Sunny Delight, eh? Been a while since we've been to that pub."

Brown mane soaked with sweat, Wyk was amazed, "It's like 8:00 in the morning!"

"Then we're already late!"

Author's Note

Unfortunately, both me and Lucius decided to make another collab together. Not exactly as conflict oriented as the others, but this little thing will be good for the occasional chapter or so.

How you enjoyed it.

As Always,
Stay Trilla.

Chapter 2: Riding the Rave

Viz & Wyk: Saviors of Nothing
By Lucius Seneca and Stillmatic
Chapter Two: Riding the Rave

"Come on, you lazy bastard. Wake up before I get Commander Sanctus to smack you up for this."

Staff Sergeant Sunshine Drips groggily stirred himself awake. Star Spangle, another guard who usually wasted time by socializing with others on duty, was sent by Princess Celestia to find the unicorn stallion. Being part of the Honor Guard as well, he knew when it was best to get the Princess whatever it was she wanted without complaint, and quickly. So when she asked him to retrieve the specific guard in front of him, not a moment was lost to anything else. And Sunshine Drips was just sitting not that far from the Royal Gardens, which made Star Spangle's job all the more easier. With a snort, Viz shoved the other guard and rubbed his eyes before moving onto his destination.

The walk was short, but inconceivably mundane. The castle and its surrounding area was boring beyond all belief, unless there was a specific event changing that, like a Changeling invasion. Though the last time that happened, Viz was left cemented against the ground. The humiliation was short-lived after Wyk broke him free and they started breaking jaws. One thing that constantly rubbed them the wrong way about that whole ordeal was the lack of recognition towards what they did to help repel the Changelings. No medals, no raises, nothing. Viz shook his head, trying his best to clear the negative thoughts out of his head. Things like that weren't worth the grudge, he figured.

The stallion ended up at Princess Celestia's door within minutes. This was not going to be fun.

Across palace grounds and in the midst of a heated argument, Wyk was hardly concerned with what Viz might be doing and focused on breaking to the two senators up before they actually started throwing hooves.

Senator Trots, old and malicious, was screaming and spraying spittle into Wyk's face as he tried to grab at his rival, one Senator Golden Tree, "Don't think you've gotten away with this, Golden! You're a filthy cheater and I know damn well you stole those chips!"

Golden Tree, standing a few feet back, retorted as he wiped a glob of salvia from his cheek, "Your mother was a mule, Trots! You should know!"

"Don't bring his mom into this!" Wyk said as he grappled with the surprisingly strong old stallion, "Get lost or you're going in the dungeon!"

The two combatants retreated with a few more hisses and promptly vanished into separate parts of the palace, leaving Wyk tired and quite annoyed with his current situation and retreated to the shade under a large oak tree in the courtyard. He was close to dozing off when a prodding awoke the apathetic Wyk who cracked an amber eye open in response. It was one of the Elite Guards who protected both Luna and Celestia and patrolled the library. Why they needed to protect books was beyond Wyk.

"Princess Celestia wants to see you."

Wyk groaned, opened his eyes, and subsequently rolled them, "What could our most generous and forgiving princess wish of I, a lowly and meaningless pawn in the Honor Guard? Enlighten me, 'O comrade."

The guard shrugged, "Go ask her."

"I'll do that. Thanks." Wyk replied passively and returned to his hooves, trotting off to what he assumed to be the end of his military service.

It took ten minutes and fifty two seconds to reach the grand doors of Princess Celestia's chambers. Wyk knew this because, for lack of anything better to do, he had counted every second on his way to his destination. He lost track of his counting as he found himself next to Viz and staring at what could have been a very upset ruler, although Princess Celestia was hard to read most days.

The door swung open unceremoniously, showing a very scrutinizing Celestia. She looked down at the two guards and clicked her tongue before nodding her head towards the inside of her quarters. The two exchanged a look as soon as she turned around and followed anyway. Tomes of all sizes decked the walls-turned-shelves, a large circular bed was far off to the back, an eccentric desk was but a few feet away from them, and a telescope was positioned on the balcony across the room. Though they had been in here before, it was still as boring as it ever was, especially for a princess.

Princess Celestia cleared her throat, "Now that you two are here, I'd like to give you your assignment. My niece's friend is having a small party this friday night, and since we're shorthoofed recently I need you two to oversee the security for the party. This will help the fact that you've picked up so many demerits in the past few weeks. Don't mess this up." She narrowed her eyes at the two, who looked less than pleased, "Make sure of that."

Viz remained silent at news, clearly not wanting to bother arguing.

Wyk attempted to make a weak rebuttal, "Isn't it illegal or something to deprive a worker of his well-earned night off because of a few demerits, your highness?"

"I have no clue." Princess Celestia smiled sweetly, "That's something you'll have to take up with the payroll department."

As much as the two wanted to curse the princess, they held their tongues and nodded their heads, the usual action to take when one was being shoved into a tight spot by their superior. Princess Celestia quickly dismissed them and they were magically pushed out of the room. Both Viz and Wyk grumbled to themselves as they took their separate ways.

"I'm not doing it." Wyk said aloud.

His apartment was modest, with simple furniture and drywall, the baseboards slightly warped and scuffed. Probably the only interesting point in the dwelling was the closet in the hallway that led to the single bedroom. If one were to open it, they would have found a thick cotton arras behind the door, and behind that several potted poison joke plants that pushed up against a small ledge where cans of fertilizer, various chemical solutions, and a half crumpled bag of seeds lay. But beyond the narcotic operation, the apartment offered little to appease the eye with its eggshell white walls and confining atmosphere.

"I'm not doing it." Wyk repeated to himself as he dressed in full armor. "It's a friday night and I need to get drunk and stoned. I'm not doing it."

He shrugged the armor on and cocked his head as someone, probably Viz, hammered on the door, making a discernible pattern and rhythm with the knocks.

"Open up, you jackaninny! I need some stuff from here before we gotta go on our shift!"

"It's not a shift! It's a torture session!" Wyk fairly screamed as he opened the door, jumping aside as Viz pushed past, "I am so sick of this crap!"

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Shut the hell up. Where are the wraps?" Viz replied as he began turning over couch cushions.

Wyk caught a cushion as it bounced off the wall behind him, "You want the blunt variety or the veggie variety? Why do you always mooch my wraps anyway? Don't you have your own?"

"What're you, my mom? Besides, I only use paper-based products these days."

"I might as well be your damn mom. You're always stealing my macaroni and asking me to cook! Your mom is having a mid-life cake walk while I struggle to keep you alive!" Wyk said as he pulled his helmet on and lobbed a small, tightly wrapped paper bag at Viz: "I already rolled some anyway."

"Nice!" Viz remarked happily. "Here, takes these oranges as my thanks." The unicorn shoved a bag of said fruit into his friend's hooves and sat back onto the couch, "Now, did she mention who it was we were actually doing security for?"

"Uh, yeah, uno momento." Wyk lifted a small file from a table next to a recliner, "Blah, blah, blah, act professional...Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no."

"What? Who is it?"

Wyk's face had turned into a mask of grave consequences, "The mezzanine mistress herself."

Viz shifted his head in confusion, "The hay is a mezzanine? Some sorta bug?

"That's not important!" Wyk hissed, "It's the Woodworm Paddle! The Boat-Rocker! The Dancer of Daisies!"

"No really, who is it?"

"I am concerned you may have brain damage, Viz."

Viz smirked, "Was the operation for getting the stick outta your flank successful? Because it doesn't seem like it."

Wyk smiled politely, "I dislike you and everything you choose to be. It's Daisy Dancer. Your favorite experienced mare of the night."

"Hmmm!" Viz hummed in intrigue. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the fair mare herself... Wonder if I can break off a few minutes to talk to her a bit, ya know? Might be interesting..."

“She can't talk with her mouth full and I'm sure you won't be talking much afterwards on account of the rash near your package." Wyk stated balefully, "Let's get this over with. We can smoke if we get there early."

"You're too negative, I'm sure she's clean! And let's skedaddle. I'm getting bored."

"And you're too optimistic. Let us skedaddle into the bowels of hell, my comrade."

The duo quickly made their way to their destination, one eager to get there to speak with a mare, and the other dreading his life at the moment.

You didn't have to know Daisy Dancer personally to know that she was never going to get too high on the social ladder. She was a dark, pretty mare with an auburn coat and a mane stripped white. Whether or not she had any skill with gardening was irrelevant when compared to her prowess under the bed sheets. Again, you didn't have to know her personally to know that little fact. Sleeping around was what she did best and while Wyk, who had gone to high school with her, rarely gave her the time of day, Viz was quite stricken with her.

And she was the birthday mare. How many stallions she would ultimately bed tonight would be a number uncountable and Wyk steeled himself against any possible seducing by Daisy or her rowdy, arrogant guests who seemed to seep from the same corner of their shared cesspool. The ball room had been turned into a rave, with glow sticks, wild dancing, and probably plenty of drugs all around. Wyk was standing by the door, trying hard to maintain the visage of a guard without emotion while Viz was soliciting some mare across the room.

The party was going pretty swell for Viz however. His advances on Daisy Dancer were working far better than he expected it should have, but he didn't complain. In fact, the only complaint he had about the mare was she called him by his full name and title, with a little giggle at the end at the formality of it. Staff Sergeant Sunshine Drips was not the kind of thing he liked being called, but he swallowed his pride in hopes she would do the same to his. Sure, the guard lusted after her, a noble, but what was the big deal about it? Plenty of guards found themselves going out with the higher class ponies, so he didn't expect to be different. Besides, why not go after a mare with hips like hers?

"So, if you're like a guard and stuff, do you ever get into fights with bad guys and junk like that?" Dancer asked innocently.

Viz took off his helmet and set it on a nearby table, "Yeah, I've done some stuff. You know that guy Discord from a few months back?"

Daisy Dancer gasped, "Yeah?"

"Me and my buddy outside were the ones holding him off while the Elements of Harmony got their act together."

"But wasn't he, like, totally in that hick-town Ponyville?"

The stallion cast his head down, averting his eyes, "We held him off as long as we could, but... but our other friend didn't make it out alive."

The mare instantly cooed and took his head between her arms in a hug, "Ooohhh, you poor thing! That must've been devastating to see one of your friends get killed in front of you!"

"Yeah..." Viz wiped away a few faux tears, "Sorry about those, I just get misty when I think about him and the last thing he said to me before passing away."

She listened intently, "What was it?"

"He told me to find a nice mare that would treat me right, keep me focused on her..." Viz slowed his talking as he breathed deeply, inhaling the intoxicating aroma of flowers that Daisy Dancer gave off. "... was dark, slender, knew how to party..."

"Well..." The mare pulled away, smiling and looking at his eyes, "I'm like, kinda like that, you know."

Viz feigned surprise, as if he had reached an epiphany, "Ya know, you're right. Real right! You happen to be doing anything right now? Grab some coffee?"

"I'm kinda playing host," she replied with a giggle, "but I can totally take a few minutes away to see if I can't help you forget about your buddy. Did her really say all that?"

"On my honor as a guard, he said it word for word."

She smiled softly and turned, coiling her tail around Viz's neck and leading him into another room, "Come on, let's go have some fun..."

While Viz was off on some intrepid sexual adventure, Wyk was left alone and standing next to the door as more and more partygoers flooded in like a tide of douchebaggery. Each one seemed to have been pulled from the very imagination of a narcissistic asshole and given physical form just to make Wyk's night worse. Although he was enjoying a nice high, he was not enjoying the dubstep and flickering lights. Parties, especially raves, bored him to no end. All they were was a mixture of social circles, cheap alcohol, and no-strings-attached sex. It wasn't long before the incarnations of idiocy were, quite literally, in Wyk's face, trying to get him to break the blank visage he had been taught in basic training.

"Hey, bro," One said, pushing a hoof against Wyk's shoulder plate, "Do these guys, like, even know how to party?"

Another, wrapped in a tangle of glow stick necklaces, chortled like a hyena, "I bet not, dude. These guys are brainwashed. They, like, don't even know how to feel normal."

The banter wasn't doing much to annoy Wyk, but he didn't like the attention and turned his head to look chillingly into the previous speaker, "I feel fine, thank you. But if you don't make yourself invisible, you're going to feel the opposite of fine."

"Whoa, bro, relax. We're not here to start any trouble, dig it? We just came here to chill!"

"I don't care if you came here to a river dance club." Wyk snapped, "Get lost, punk."

"Who pissed in your morning OJ, brah?" One partier asked.

Wyk took a moment to think. He was supposed to be relaxing, not supervising dickkicks, and while Celestia might expect him to do a good job, it had been a while since Wyk's last scuffle and he was more than ready for a little fisticuff action. Glancing over to where Viz had disappeared, Wyk removed his helmet and drove the gold-plated nose-guard into the face of the source of his annoyance.

A depraved moan nearly escaped Viz’s mouth as Daisy Dancer slowly fellated him. There was just the right amount of ferocity to her act, and he liked it quite well. So well that he was nearing a climax, which shot forward in quick spurts.

"Ow!"

Viz blinked and looked down, "What?"

Daisy Dancer, or what was Daisy Dancer, rubbed its eye. It seemed as though the guard's ejaculate hit his partner in the eye, causing it to sting without mercy. Viz's eyes grew wide as he looked down at a Changeling with his member between its hooves. His erection immediately died at the site of it, falling from its position and hanging limply, much like his jaw. As Daisy Dancer wiped away the invading substance, she became attentive to the fact there was much silence. The changeling slowly opened her eyes to see a dumbstruck Viz.

"Uh... This may seem weird..."

"You're a Changeling," the stallion pointed out.

It, or she, ran its hoof around in circles against the floor nervously, "About that..."

"Sweet Celestia, this makes so much sense. All the things I've heard about you being real friendly with all those stallions makes sense."

Daisy Dancer took a look of offense, "Hey! I don't fool around that much! Besides, I've been living in Canterlot as a Changeling since I was little! I just took up the identity of Daisy Dancer because it helped me get around a lot easier."

"Wait," Viz shook his head, "so you're a Changeling who's lived a regular life here? In Canterlot? And no one's noticed until I shot my cum in your eye?"

"Thankfully, no." The Changeling looked down, not making eye contact, “So... does this change anything?"

"Can Changelings get or pass on STD's?"

It looked questioningly at him, "No, not a single one."

Viz leaned back as his erection grew, "Just watch the fangs then, baby."

He smiled. He was going to enjoy himself regardless.

Wyk grappled with the mare before throwing her sideways and into a concessions table, sending spiked punch, vodka, and soggy chips flying. All around him there were prone bodies of ravers who had decided to get in on the mosh pit, leaving only a few coked up dancers left as they twirled and spun circles around their own imaginary suns. Viz was still nowhere to be seen and Wyk was left panting and alone, wiping blood from his nostrils as he located his helmet and put it back on.

The entire room was a mess and as Wyk set out to his absent comrade, Viz strutted out from the shadows, a flushed Daisy Dancer wooing next to him, licking her lips of a substance which, although Wyk couldn't make out, was certainly a present from Viz.

"Thanks for the help, pal." Wyk said with bitter words, "Did you have fun?"

Viz took a deep breath and let it out before lighting a blunt, "Yep."

Wyk snatched the joint away and took a long haul before snuffing it out on a downed partier's mohawk, "No blunt for you. Our shifts are over and I’m going home. I hope you remembered to bring your key."

"I locked myself out."

"You shouldn't even have a lock on your door. Doesn't do you any good." Wyk said.

Viz pushed a lock of hair away from Daisy's face, "I'm a guard, gotta keep security everywhere I can." His female companion giggled at this, egging him on further, "Yep, just holding the weight of the world on my shoulders."

Wyk squinted suspiciously in the low light and pointed at Viz's left shoulder, "The only weight on your shoulders is your ego and that used condom. Is that a fashion statement?"

"Yes," the unicorn flicked away the rubber and nodded towards the door, "We're gonna crash at your place tonight."

"Oh no you're bucking not. Last time you got so drunk with that fat bitch that you slept on my kitchen floor. I found your vomit on my bedside table." Wyk continued to shake his head, "You can take Daisy Dong Doctor here and sleep in a motel."

"Can't, no money on my pony. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?"

"You ARE the worst that can happen!"

Viz gave a light peck to Daisy's neck, "We've already reached critical mass then, so what's stopping us?"

"Forget it. You go. I'll meet you there after I hit up Sunshine Tallywageranotian. It’s that new tavern that just opened up."

"Ahem. Keys?"

"Here. Take them and buck off. My apartment better be spotless when I get back! You get the damn couch, too!" Wyk yelled as he trotted off.

Daisy gave a light tug to Viz's hoof, "Come on, Vizzy, let's go and get some rest..."

Viz walked alongside her as they left the party, "Damn straight, baby, damn straight."

Wyk was thoroughly intoxicated when he stumbled through the hallway leading up to his room. He paused to notice the graffiti further down, no doubt done by reckless teens, "Friggin' shit apples."

The door creaked open and Wyk stepped inside, shutting it behind him. He didn't have to be sober to hear the moans and shrieks coming from his bedroom and he let out a moan himself, pulling off his armor as he curled up on the couch to finish off a progressively shitty night.

The morning came as a mournful, aching solace and Wyk, sweaty and hung-over, rolled from his comatose state on the lumpy couch and struck the hardwood with force, sending a jolt through his throbbing body. He groaned and climbed to his hooves, checking the clock on the wall. He was seven hours late, but that didn't matter. Neither Wyk nor Viz made a habit out of arriving to work on time.

By the time Daisy Dancer made her presence known, Wyk was eating slowly, compacting the mushy shreddies together between his molars as he sat at the small counter adjoining his kitchen area. He glanced over sluggishly at the changeling and went back to eating his cereal before raising his head back up again and watching as Daisy Dancer, in her original, unmasked form, poured herself a glass of orange juice, chugged it, and vanished back into the bedroom.

Wyk let a small trickle of milk drain from his lips and drip on the counter, "What."

Viz shot his head out of the bedroom door and hung a small sign on the knob that read "Do Not Disturb."

He shot a smile to Wyk, who glared at him in response before he retreated back into the "love-chamber", as he called it.

And the midafternoon carried on with sounds of pleasure echoing throughout the apartment.

Author's Note

Hmm, finished... isn't it?

Chapter 3: Family Reunion

Saviors of Nothing

By Lucius Seneca and Stillmatic

Chapter Three: Family Reunion

Viz, for his credit, was frugal with his paycheck in every sense of the word. This meant occasionally mooching off of his best friend and slipping some bits underneath the couch as secretly as possible to ease his mind. Yet, he never seemed to stop, despite knowing the contradiction there. That was just one of the more enigmatic parts of their friendship that went either completely unnoticed, one-sided, or just unsaid.

As was in his nature, the unicorn guard in question was sitting at Wyk's kitchen counter and munching on a bowl full of Celesti-O's. It was a bit ironic, given that the Princess seemed to despise him unconditionally while showing plenty of favor towards Wyk. Regardless, the honey-imbued, mouth-watering, and sugar-glazed golden circlets were worth the swallowed pride. He munched away and sipped at some orange juice, not a care in the world. That is, until Wyk walked out of his bedroom extremely disheveled.

"Hey shleeping beauty," Viz slurred, ejecting bits of cereal onto the counter, "bad night'sh shleep?"

Wyk raised a hoof, "Stop. You're spitting Celestia all over my kitchen counter."

Viz looked down at the chunks of grain and swallowed, "Guess I am. Rough night, last night?"

"Went to dinner with the Duke of Caspian Creek's daughter."

Viz's eyes bulged slightly, "No way!" He snarled, "I was trying to get with her!"

Wyk allowed a smirk to light up his gray face, "How'd that work out? I tell you, brother, putting in that little bit of extra courtesy really goes a...long way."

"It-it can't be! This hasn't ever happened before..." The unicorn shook his head, "She's probably a skank. Her dad too," he added for good measure.

Viz's friend let a slightly downcast look cross his face and he chewed his lip, "She's dying, you know. Some rare blood disease. I just took her out for dinner. It's probably the last time she'll visit here."

"Luna damn it! I need to get with her before she croaks, then! Think she'll be up for a date?"

"You are a sick being and you have my utmost pity for chasing after somepony who is only sixteen." Wyk stated sternly, "Moving on, apparently my cousin is in town. So, if anypony you don't know comes knocking, don't answer. I'm not big on family. Especially since I haven't seen her since she was a baby."

"Ew. The banana isn't ripe enough to peel yet, then." Viz shrugged dismissively and accepted the subject change, "I'll make sure not to open any windows or doors. Not that she can probably come through your window; I'm pretty sure your family is mostly Earthies."

"And what's wrong with being an Earthy? We both know our breeds are superior to Pegasi." Wyk removed some bread from the fridge and shoved two slices into the toaster. "Those winged dicks never know when to stop; always flying around like a fleet of tugboats."

"Well that isn't saying much. Pegasi are just a bunch of feather dusters." Viz dived down on some more cereal, "Anyway, you sure she isn't a pegasus? She might try to come through a window. They're freaks like that."

Wyk folded his hooves under his chin and leaned against the countertop, "Thank Luna that we're the master races. Anyway, you better get going. You don't want to be any later than you already are."

Viz wiped away the milk from his mouth and pushed the bowl away, "Yeah, like rolling around in the dirt is superior. Catch ya later, pussy debilitater."

"Funny! Have fun working." Wyk let a huge smirk cover his face, "By the way, buddy, you get to work with Star Spangle and Celestia's closest, most appreciated guard, Goldenhoof. Enjoy trying to get fried around him."

"I don't need to drown myself in drinking and drugs everyday, you know." Viz turned and opened the door, "Now, I'm off to get Goldenhoof a hooker to distract him. Cya!"

Wyk laughed and went to butter his toast. The stallion quickly trotted out in the hallway and towards his workplace, ready for a new day. Whether or not it would work out for him, he didn't know. Still, he liked to say he was brave for doing so. Little did he know, someone was watching him leave from not too far away, behind a potted plant. He placed his helmet on his head, cracked a smile, and hummed a tune while walking away.

"... And that's how I got remarried for the third time. That griffon... whoo, I tell ya. Best decision I ever made."

Viz snapped out of his boredom-fueled daze to point something out, "But you said the exact same thing for the other two before her."

Goldenhoof, an extremely strict example of a previous generation's rigid upbringing and the values that came with it, was always one to keep his co-workers in check. Yet, despite being at least twice the age of Viz, he hadn't made much progress in terms of rank within Honor Guard. Granted, he was most definitely higher than most guards he surrounded himself with, but his career had leveled off quite a while ago. And truthfully, that's the way he liked it. Serving the Princesses through guard duty was one of his favorite pastimes, which along with his no-nonsense attitude meant that he wasn't anyone's first choice as a partner while patrolling or standing about.

Goldenhoof barely hid a smirk, "I never mentioned anything about a 'her', soldier."

"So what is she, then?"

"Are you dense, boy?"

"In some parts."

Goldenhoof sighed in exasperation and walked away on patrol, "That dang boy ain't right."

Viz shrugged and took out a blunt. Despite what he had said earlier, the workday was significantly easier while warm in the head. The guard lit it and was soon puffing away. He had finished it by the time he heard the sound of rustling bushes, instantly sending his heart into a quickened pace. Viz's ears reflexively went up and he turned his head to whatever was trying to hide from him. Even in the Royal Gardens, there was apparently reason to tread with caution. He slowly crept to a bush and threw it open, only to be right in front of a mare's face.

The two stared off, with his blank visage not breaking for a single second. She was an olive-green mare with a slightly brighter and more vibrant mane. Her flank was decorated by a pink Venus symbol that screamed some sort of message, though he couldn't decipher what. A heavy blush decorated her surprised face, but it wasn't noticed very much as a hoof slapped Viz across the face.

"W-What're you doing, you pig?!"

She sped off, leaving Viz in her dust as he simply continued to stare. Goldenhoof trotted next to him in curiosity and raised a brow.

"Who the hay was that?"

Viz blinked, still feeling the effects of the poison joke, "That was a pony? I thought I was talking to a hedge."

The veteran guard narrowed his eyes before walking away, "That boy ain't right."

Wyk was lazing about his apartment when an odd thought crossed his wandering mind. Surely, even after all these years, this distant cousin of his would check in. It was Earth pony tradition. And what a tradition it was. While Peagsi usually continued on without their siblings and parents in later life, Earth ponies tended to remain close to even the most distant of relatives. Wyk remembered when he had just graduated Guard School and his mother had dragged him along to a celebratory reunion where he met some ponies he didn't even know existed.

Unicorns maintained the mediocrity of the middle of the spectrum. They kept in some contact with relatives, but never much mentioned or visited them. In fact, Wyk took a moment to think over the times he had even mentioned his family. Maybe once or twice in the years they had known each other. Wyk shrugged the odd feeling off and decided to go for a walk. Paradoxically, he found himself wishing he was working when he wasn't and vice versa. He locked the door behind him and ran square into Gentlepony Till, the landlord of the apartment complex.

"Oh! Why hello, Wyk! Going out to meet your admirers, I assume?"

Her voice was rich, posh, and, oddly enough, quite friendly and warm although she was a mare of unremarkable features. She also had quite the scuttlebutt addiction.

Wyk's face let his confusion show, "Admirers? I don't follow."

Till waved her hoof excitedly, "Yes, my dear! Two young ones were lingering down the hall for quite some time! I happened to overhear them conversing about you. Are you quite sure you don't know what i'm speaking of?"

Wyk nodded, "Positive, Ms. Till. What did they look like? What were they saying?"

"Well, I don't rightly know," Till thought hard and her expression showed it, "I'm sure the green one mentioned something about you once or twice, but it was the other one that really prattled on. She's most certainly a Canterlotian! The other seemed a little out of place. You poor earth ponies being in a city of magic!"

Rolling his eyes playfully, Wyk knew he needed a little charm to get the tangent to cease, "Oh, it's ever so difficult. Perhaps we could relax together if you spared me a little information, sweetheart."

Till blushed, showing her mundane features even more clearly, "Oh, my! Well, I don't rightly remember! The green one said her cousin was here and was a guard! Now, I know it wasn't that scoundrel, Viz, she was talking about! And the other said you were supposed to be quite the catch according to her friend! As soon as Viz walked out, they followed him!"

Wyk chuckled. He didn't have many admirers seeing as he didn't strike many ponies as being interesting or even easy to talk to. He had a hard, marbled face that had some striking angles. Of course, it also added to an intimidating appearance which tended to scare off most mares and challenged egocentric stallions. Being a guard seemed suitable for Wyk's appearance. And he didn't mind one bit about tossing some lustful street mares onto Viz's back. He liked the attention more than Wyk anyway. But one had said something about her cousin. Surely it was a coincidence.

"Oh, well, what can you do? These immature suitors don't know a single thing about courtship. Am I correct, Ms. Till?"

The landlady blushed even harder, "I do believe so, dear."

Wyk thought hard for the next second. He was a little down about hearing his date last night was dying. And Landlady Till had always been chasing after him. Staying a little late to finalize paperwork, inviting him to small get togethers, "bumping into" him in the hallways. A devilish smile leapt to Wyk's face and he lunged forward, pressing his face hard against Till's, sliding his tongue between her lips.

She jumped surprisedly and then moaned softly. Wyk laughed internally and pulled her back into his apartment.

Viz yawned tiredly and wiped his eyes. He was currently enjoying a short break and sat at a cafe table, awaiting his food. His high had been over for quite some time, yet his hunger had to be held off until his thirty-minute reprieve would take effect. Now he was at Shenanigans, some retro-themed food place that forced employees to wear ridiculous pins on uncomfortable overalls. He wasn't sure if any of them enjoyed their job much, but at least the food didn't taste of depression. Slowly, the unicorn's eyelids lowered down, until sleep took over.

The sound of clipping woke him up. Did he fall asleep in a salon? Viz looked about. No, he was still at that cafe, half-awake at his own table. At least his daffodil spaghetti was there. Yawning, the unicorn stretched and smacked his lips. A quick rustle behind him caught his attention, and with a look back, he saw the same mare from earlier with a pair of scissors in her hooves. They stared off once again, each waiting for the other to do or say something. Viz opened his mouth to voice a question, only to be slapped across the face again. The mare ran off quickly, once again displaying the speed of an Earth pony. He shrugged; there wasn't much he could do now.

That is, other than enjoy his meal. He smiled and set to it.

Wyk was nearly bowled over as a green mare come bolting out of Shenanigans, a slightly newer food joint in the more "hip" section of Canterlot. He shook his head and cussed after her as she vanished into the throng of the crowd. Returning to his objective, Wyk bumped headfirst into a red-eyed Viz.

"Yo, spaghettio." Wyk said somewhat nonchalantly, "Shouldn't you be working? Or do you have a break?"

Viz yawned, "Break time, got some pasta. Was good for a corp."

Wyk nodded and was about to say something when he noticed the missing chunk of Viz's mane, "Sweet Celestia, Viz! Your hair!"

Before Viz could reply, Wyk had him in a brotherly headlock as he examined the large gap which had been cut jaggedly for about four inches down the back of his neck, "Who did this? Your mane looks like a piece of bologna! What in the fuck!"

"What? What?" Viz stirred slightly in the headlock and broke free, "What's up with my mane?"

Wyk pushed him back into the headlock, "Did you do this? There's a huge chunk missing! My Luna, man! What were you thinking! Your hair looks like a wall somepony never bothered to finish!"

Viz dropped to the ground in a tumble to get out once more, "Might've been that bush that was messing with my hair a little while ago. I think it's following me."

"Good Sunshine, man! Are you doing that crack shit again? Bushes are following you?"

"Probably. Some green things keeps sneaking up on me or hides around in the greens. A bush," he clarified.

Wyk shook his head slowly to show his dissatisfaction, "A pony? Or is it one of those living plants things that pop up sometimes?"

Viz sat on his haunches tiredly, "Green, running thing. Runs a lot, actually."

Noticing the bruises on Viz's face, Wyk took hold of his friend's cheeks and examined the red welts, "What in the long halls of Valhalla have you been up to?"

"The thing slapped me across the face. Twice." Viz frowned, "Bushes don't have hooves, bro."

"It better not be that bitch ex of yours." Wyk stated sourly, but he perked up seconds later, "You mean a green pony, right? Ms. Till said there was one lurking the hallway outside my apartment and that she followed you after you left."

Viz rubbed his chin in thought, "Pony, eh? A mare, you say? Hmm..." He stood and began to trot off, "I'll catch you later, flank annihilator!"

Wyk watched as Viz sped off, probably already late. He shrugged his shoulders. He must have finished his meal fast. Viz was a capable friend and also probably mentally delayed, but capable nonetheless. It wasn't Wyk's place to worry about what he did. Wyk shrugged again and went to order lunch.

Viz stood by himself at his post, watching as clouds passed by above. A sound caught his attention, and lo and behold, the green mystery mare from earlier was creeping around a nearby tree in an effort to get closer to him. Smirking, he opened the door into the Royal Foyer and reported to Goldenhoof that he was going on patrol and to cover his post. After receiving confirmation, the smooth stallion trotted off towards the Gardens.

He walked by the odd mirrors scattered around one grassy part near the lake, watching the mare follow him, "That's it, little moth... come to the flame..."

Whoever the mare was, she hastily picked up speed once he broke out into a jog and started moving quicker. She followed and turned several times, going through the maze of the gardens and eventually finding herself lost. There was no sign of Viz for the moment, bringing confusion to her face. She looked back and forth before looking at the grass in a downcast manner. That is, until she turned and was face-to-face with the stallion in question.

"W-W-Wha-" she stammered, hopping back in surprise.

Viz pulled out one of his most disarming smiles and trotted closer, "What's wrong, don't like having the tables turned on you?"

"Y-You..."

He put a hoof beneath her chin and pulled her close enough for him to see the emotion in her eyes fully, "Hmm... You have really nice eyes. They seem... familiar."

The mare tore her head away and went further back, colliding with a hedge, "Y-You bastard..."

"What's wrong?" he purred seductively. "Don't like close encounters?"

A redness came over her that was truly brighter than Viz thought possible. Was it a blush or anger? He didn't really know, but he had never bothered to ever stop pushing luck before, so why stop now?

Viz chuckled and scooted up, giving her less room to pry herself from the hedge, "You know, I think-"

He was suddenly cut off as the green Earth pony mare violently grabbed his face and literally dragged it towards her own. She forced her tongue through his mouth and attempted to break through the pearly whites guarding his tongue. Viz, shocked but not enough to stop him from getting some free action, opened them and began fondling her tongue back. They shared that moment a few seconds longer before she ripped her face away and gave him another slap.

He blinked, knowing full-well that he'd be feeling that one in the morning. The mare attempted to bolt away, but Viz pressed her back, forcing her to that spot.

"Just who the hay are you? Why are you following me?"

The Earth pony tried breaking free, only for her to thrash to flail against the guard's grip, "Let me go!"

"Not until you tell me who you are!"

She scoffed, looking away, "You seriously don't remember me? I should have expected as much from some hunky, meat-headed macho-fool." If Viz was hurt by the words, he certainly didn't show it. "Venus. Venus Equity."

Viz let her go, "Weird name."

"It's better than-" She winced as several items fell from her saddlebags when she dropped back onto all-fours, "Darn it!"

The accommodating stallion grabbed the books, "Here, lemme grab those-"

Venus nearly snatched them away, "No! I don't need your help! I'm an independent mare who c-can..." she gulped, "solve her own problems!"

Catching on, Viz grabbed everything she dropped and began putting it back in her bags as politely as he could, "Lemme just..."

The mare watched him return everything as it was, and a frown broke out across her face, "You didn't need to do that."

The frown suddenly turned into surprise once Viz was directly in her face, "Oh don't worry... it was my privilege."

She began shaking heavily at that, and Viz, being ever knowledgable about medicine, backed up at the weirdness. Venus pounced him, planting kiss after kiss on his face. He attempted to squirm away, only for her to follow and double her efforts.

"Oh, you filthy example of masculinity! I-I want you! I need you! No matter what society says!"

Viz pulled away, "This sure as hay isn't the place to get it!"

Venus panted heavily on his face, running a hoof against his horn, "I don't remember this little appendage! What did you have in mind?"

He smirked deviously, "I know just the place for us to trade notes on masculinity and femininity."

Snatching the young Earth pony up, Viz sped back to the one place he knew he could rely on for a bed.

"No, a little to the left!"

Wyk felt his soul cry as he again reached for a limescale remover on the top shelf. He had been shopping peacefully, picking up a few necessities and other miscellaneous items during the last few hours of daylight when a mare, who had obviously spied Wyk shopping a few isles down, had approached and asked for help reaching the product.

She wasn't a model, and she had a few extra pounds around her waist, but Wyk found her attractive nonetheless. "More cushion for the pushin'!" He thought to himself as he passed down the bottle and caught a small glimpse of the mare's rear end. She smiled charmingly, white coat and bright orange mane shining in the light.

"You're a lifesaver!"

Wyk smiled appreciatively, "It's no big deal." He thought briefly of Ms. Till and wondered if his mind was decaying like Viz's. He usually wasn't this promiscuous. "I'm just glad I could help."

The yet-to-be-named beauty smiled charmingly and ran a hoof across Wyk's collarbone, "How can I repay you?"

The guard considered his possible options. One: he could get her to pay for at least the toilet paper he had in his basket and go on home, or two: he could accept the obviously imitated pornography-type seduction and go home and have some fun. He was still considering the options when the mare winked with voluptuous eyelashes at him.

Wyk pulled her a bit closer, "I think I have some ideas."

"Oh, do share, baby." She replied lustfully.

Leaning forward, Wyk pressed himself against her face so that they were nose to nose, "I can either fuck you here or at my place. Which will it be?"

Viz yawned, running a hand down Venus' face, "So, how was my gender's display of affection?"

The mare snuggled closer and rested her head on his chest, "I can't believe it. A male who's actually educated about this stuff..." She paused before continuing, "Mom never said you went to college though, so..."

Viz, in his infinite wisdom, assumed he had just scored with the daughter of a mother who he had apparently bedded, making him smile widely. After all, how many stallions can say they've done something like that? Possibly a few, but that wasn't important. He was important, and what he had just done was important, too. So, obviously, he was now in high spirits.

"I'm an enigma, wrapped in cologne and smooth moves. Plus I read those feminist pamphlets that are always stuck under my door."

"I'm so glad I met you," she confessed, "and you're literate too. This is too perfect."

The stallion gave her a light kiss on the forehead and got out of the bed, "Alas, even I, am flawed in many ways." He winked, "We'll just have to continue our studies together to see how much."

Venus watched him stretch and head to the door, "Where are you going?"

"Orange juice. Want some?"

She nodded and lay back down, "I'll be waiting."

Viz snickered as he left the room, "Of course you will."

Moving to the fridge, the guard who was supposed to be on duty at the moment opened it, grabbed his favorite beverage, two glasses, and sat at the counter for a moment. He was pretty content up until he shook the juice carton and realized it was practically empty.

"Daisy, what the hay? Where does she even put all this stuff?"

Then, the door opened, revealing Wyk and some mare he hadn't ever seen before. He waved at the pair and smiled.

"What's up, Wyk? What's up, Wyk's friend?"

Wyk raised an eyebrow, "Two glasses. I'm going to skip past the possibility that you were just about to pour some for you and I and go straight to the possibility that there is a mare in my bed."

"Yep. Yours is already claimed, just so you know."

Before Wyk could reply, the green mare, Venus, trotted around the corner. She seemed ghostly pale and stared at Wyk for sometime before looking back at Viz, "Are you Wyk?"

Wyk interrupted Viz as he began to speak, "No, I am. Why?"

"Oh, hay. Oh, hay!" Venus said breathlessly as she looked desperately at Wyk's mare, "We messed up, Solar."

Silence filled the room. Even Viz, who was pouring the last of the juice, set the carton down in confusion. Wyk didn't seem to understand until he took a good hard look at Venus. His jaw dropped, "Venus? Venus Equity?"

She smiled shakily, "Hi, cousin."

"Wait, wait, wait." Wyk faced Viz with fury in his eyes, "You banged my cousin! My cousin, Viz!"

The now visibly shaken Viz pushed a glass off the countertop purposely and ducked down to clean the mess. Wyk pointed at Venus, "You thought he was me? So you thought you just had intercourse with me? Your own cousin?"

"It's a requirement of the FSPCR..."

"The what?"

"The Feminist Separatist Party of Close Relationships." Venus gulped.

Wyk seemed livid and detached himself from Solar and stared at her with fiery eyes, "I thought you looked familiar! Solar Flare! So, are you two in cahoots? Running around preaching some feminist crap and trying to get it on with your cousin? It's incest!"

Solar Flare backed towards the door, "No! Not really! Venus wanted you! I just thought it would be fun to play around with you and Viz! I thought you were him!"

"This is so fucked up I can't even comprehend it." Wyk took a deep breath, "Let me get this straight. You, Venus, wanted to bang me, which is incest by the way, in order to join a feminist party? And you, Solar Flare, just wanted to hitch a ride for the hay of it? What is wrong with you two? I haven't seen you since you were fillies and now instead of coming for a visit, you come to try and buck me?"

More silence followed the tirade. Wyk took another prolonged breath as he thought, "Wait a second. If I have seen you since that family reunion, that means you're..." His eyes widened and he pointed at the door, "Get out. Both of you. If I ever see you again, i'm going to make sure your parents send you to boarding school for the rest of your very adolescent lives!"

The mares scattered and the door slammed shut, leaving the quiet sound of Viz sifting pointlessly through broken glass and orange juice. He poked his head up.

"I thought she looked a little young."

Author's Note

There you have it. That other idea was left on the burner for a bit, because depressing friendship shit shouldn't come this early.

Let us know what you think, niggas.