Friendship+Magic=Total Crap

by Impressme

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 12268

After a losing streak that could put the Wizards to shame our hero gets transported to Equestria where he is given a chance to start a new crappy life. But with more ponies, magic and rainbows. Yay...

After a losing streak that could put the Wizards to shame our hero gets transported to Equestria where he is given a chance to start a new crappy life. But with more ponies, magic and rainbows. Yay…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-21 15:54:53 UTC

Apples and Arrivals

"Look I'll figure it out alright!? Just quit bugging me and let me watch the god damn football game!"

That's how it usually goes every Sunday morning. Right in the middle of a Bengals game, my parents call me into their room and interrogate me about my choice as a major. My answer was usually an astounding "I don't know! I've been thinking about it but I still can't make up mind." and to be honest, this wasn't far from the truth. I wasn't lying, or making up excuses, I really had no clue about what wanted to do with myself.

Damn. I graduate in a few weeks and I STILL haven't made a decision! What the HELL am I going to do now?

The problem is simple: I don't have ANY apparent talents or exceptional skills in any field I could think of. I'm no good with my hands, I can't really play a sport effectively at 145 pounds, with most of it being skin and bones, and I'm terrible with other people. Life can be a real asshole like that.

Meh. I still have all day to figure it out! And why would I stress about it now when the Bengals are winning!

That night

I am so FUCKED! Why does this have to be so damn hard?

I know what you're thinking. Well get y'alls minds out of the gutter perverts! Another day spent searching and I came up empty. By then I knew I was in a lot of trouble. My parents wanted an answer NOW, and their looks of concern and anticipation had transformed into glares of disappointment and scorn.

Football analysis is a bust and becoming a vet takes WAY too long! I laid there, in my small bed, staring a hole in the ceiling of my small room BEGGING god to give me a sign. What was originally worry had become a case of full blown panic and desperation was kicking in. I needed advice from someone and I knew just the person to talk to. Maybe Brody will have a good answer. He's usually good with crap like this.When I realized that my roof wasn't a very reliable source of information, I finally forced myself to close my eyes. All I have to do is get a push in the right direction and the rest should be a cinch! I thought confidently, before drifting off to sleep.

The very next day.

"Dude your fucked."

Brody didn't have a single clue on what I should do next.

Brody was a pretty reliable friend when you needed someone to vent to, and an even better friend when you needed someone to make you to cheer you up. He was also pretty good with advice. Key word here is WAS.

"Maybe your just not good at anything." He suggested, looking down at me with nothing but a shrug as consolation for my worries. Walking to Braums after school was a daily routine we took part in almost everyday, and I spent the small trek explaining my situation to him. I could tell he had really put some though into his answer and, to be honest, I couldn't blame him. "You'll figure it out. I mean, how hard could it possibly be?" he said, pushing his way past a set of glass doors into the small restaurant.

Maybe he's right. taking a seat at the nearest table, I thought about the situation I had put myself in. If I had a little more time, maybe I could figure it out.But I knew better than to think that more time would help. I had all year and I spent it watching DEXTER. I don't know why I watched it, but I knew that I wanted to watch this guy burn. Hey I don't give a damn if he only kills the bad guys. He COULD just *Sarcastic gasp* arrest them!

"Dude are you alright?" Brody asked, giving me a weird look. "You've been staring at the wall, for about, five minutes now.

"Yeah yeah. I was just thinking." I replied, looking at the clock. "I'm just worried about dealing with my parents again. They REALLY hate Mondays."

Later

Did I already say that they hated Mondays? They really REALLY hate Mondays.

"Caleb you don't have enough time to be messing around!" My mom shouted, as she scrambled around the room, getting ready for another 12 hour shift at the hospital. "We can't afford to have you constantly changing you major."

"Yeah I know this already." I muttered, leaning against the door way to her bedroom.

"No Caleb you don't. We still have to help your brother get through college, and your sister is gonna be in high school in another year!" She obviously wasn't to happy about my lack of urgency. "*sigh* Look your father and I have been talking about it, and we've made up our minds. If you don't make a choice by the time you graduate we're gonna have to kick you out."

"WHAT!?" And I thought my week couldn't get any worse. And it was still Monday! "Graduation is in half a month! Where am I gonna live!? I can't afford to go out on my own!"

"That's not our our problem Caleb, It's your problem. We've givin you MORE than enough time to figure this out, but you wasted it watching TV and playing on your stupid ass Xbox!" She cried in frustration, pushing her past me in a rush to get to work. "You have two weeks buddy. so you better get to work." she stated, as she made her way out of the front door.

SLAM

And with that the conversation was over

Uh oh.

Uh oh indeed.

2:47 AM

That night had been a complete disaster. After several hours spent looking for a decent choice as a career, I had to give up the search and go to bed. Normally I wouldn't have trouble falling asleep, but this was an entirely different matter. I was scared. No just worried scared, but SCARED scared.

Is this how my illustrious career at Mcdonalds begins? With me getting kicked out into the cold, unforgiving streets? Of course I was being a little dramatic but, with the problem I had, I thought it was fair for me to be a little dramatic.

Falling asleep that night, I prayed that god would "throw me a freakin bone" and give me a little help. Of course, we all know that God has a VERY sick sense of humor.

3:56 AM

Lucid dreaming wasn't exactly an area I excel in, but I have to give credit where credit is due.This dream was amazing.

The sky itself was filled with stars surrounding a moon, larger than I remember, that shone overhead. I had "awoken" in a small clearing surrounded by a forest, that seemed to be glowing in the moonlight. Except for the occasional hoot of an owl and chirp of a cricket, the forest was calm and quiet. I could only sit and stare, wide eyed, at the sight. "Wow. It's beautiful." I whispered, trying to take it all in.

"Of course it's beautiful! I made this night with my own two hooves!" A proud voice said, sounding very much like a grown woman.

Sitting a few feet off to my right was... A horse. Not a normal eat grass, look stupid and poop kind of horse, but an oddly mystical blue horse with a hint of amusement apparent on "her" face. Not only did this thing have a look intelligence, but a beautiful set of wings and a glorious, ivory horn to boot. On her flank sat a black spot, adorned with a crescent moon.

"Hey buddy my eyes are up here! I know I'm pretty bucking sexy but you need to control yourself." She said, with a sly smile spreading across her snout. "Now allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Luna and I have to come to answer your prayers my little...uh human." she finished, after a little thought.

"W-WHAT the hell ARE you!?" I exclaimed, dragging myself a few feet away from the royal equine. "WHERE am I?"

"Well I'm a pony or, to be more specific, an alicorn. A mix between a pegasus and a unicorn. As for WHERE you are, This is the land of Equestria." She said, before pointing a hoof towards the forest. "That is the Everfree Forest. Home to Equestria's deadliest creatures. So I suggest you keep it down."

With a flick of her hoof, and a flash of purple light from her horn, she materialized a large, red apple. "I understand how stressful this can be." she said calmly, before taking a bite of the apple. "I'll keep you safe until get things worked out." swallowing a mouthful of apple, she looked at me with anticipation. "So?"

"What?" Oh god why a big pony? Why not AJ Green or Kevin Durant?

"Don't you have any questions to ask about my magical little world?" She asked, taking another bite of her apple.

"Am I dreaming?" I asked stupidly, staring at the pony, who I believed was a horrible figment of my imagination.

"Ha! That's your question? Well there's only one way to find out!" She exclaimed, hurling her half eaten apple at my face.

Pop!

She got a perfect headshot.

"Damn." I mumbled, wiping bits of apple from my head. "This is all real?"

Luna nodded, giggling at my reaction to the apple assault. "Yup!"

"Why did you bring me here? HOW did you bring me here!? I asked. I wasn't liking this at ALL. In a forest, alone, with a large magical pony and a forest full of carnivorous, and possibly magical, monsters? Stranger danger anyone?

"I saw the whole thing. That back and forth you had with your mom was tough to watch." She answered, pointing a hoof to her head. "And, as a my duty to watch over the night, I help those who deserve a little aid. As for how I did it, I can only answer that by saying magic."

"So you brought me into the middle of a monster infested forest for what exactly?" Looking around the forest, I couldn't really see any signs of life. The occasional bird would fly overhead but nothing life threatening. "Couldn't you have summoned me somewhere a little more SAFE?

"Nope. Since this forest has no magical signature, I got your here without a problem!" Luna said proudly, "There isn't a SINGLE unicorn in all of Equestria who'll know what happened here today. Let's just hope my sister doesn't overreact to this."

Standing on all fours, she walked over to me and plopped herself down a few feet in front of me. "You, my little human, have a decision to make." She said, jabbing me with a hoof. "You need to decide if you want to stay here."

"Why would I want to stay here?" I asked, mentally questioning this pony's sanity. " I can't just leave my world!"

"Do you have a real reason to stay there? I've seen how your parents are and I know they've already made a decision." Luna replied, waiting for a decent answer.

"Not true. All I have to do is choose a decent career and everything else will be a cinch!" I replied unconvincingly.

"Caleb."

"After that I'll get married, have a bunch of kids, and settle down somewhere."

"Caleb!"

"I can't believe I'm even worried about any of this!" I exclaimed, standing up and raising arms in a terrible show of false bravado.

"CALEB!"

"Alright alright! FINE. So how is this gonna work anyway? I'm not exactly gonna fit in with my godlike body." I said crestfallen, gesturing to my amazing body. "Where am I gonna stay anyway?"

"You're gonna have to find yourself a place to stay but I'll gladly point you in the right direction." With a smile, Luna began walking in my direction. "As for your body I know what to do. This is gonna hurt a little so hold still."

"Wha-"

SMACK

Legends and Lunacy (Edited)

In the very beginning there was, of course, nothing. And then there was a small, lonely planet consumed by chaos.

Dragons were the first to come to this conclusion. Though they were a tough and capable species, the wild weather and unpredictable migration patterns of there prey nearly sent most of the dragons into starvation. At a harsh time such as this, it was quite rare to see two or more dragons together, especially when they were not ripping each other apart for territory. Though they would see a more fruitful time in the future, they endured these harships and claimed their spot atop of the food chain as the apex predator.

As time passed the three pony races came into existance, with unicorns being the first to walk the earth. Unicorns were said to have been born from the very flame that burns so fiercely inside a dragons chest, giving them a mystical horn capable of powerful magic. With that magic, the unicorns made themselves a small niche in the world underneath the shadow of a tall mountain, hidden from their tormenters. With their magic to aid them in their conquest for survival, the unicorns managed to make several habitable homes across Equestria and flourish.

The earth ponies where a strange sight to behold, especially in early Equestria, with their origin being based on several vague bits of folklore. But I will tell you what I know. A young unicorn, husband to a beautiful mare baring two foals, had taken up farming to feed his family in this terrible world. Yet, no matter how hard he tried or how much magic he poured into the soil, he was unable to produce a crop capable of feeding his precious family. His wife was starving and scared, so he fled to the local village to find someone gifted in the arts of magic. Although his search was fruitless at first, he finally met an old hermit, who had been spending the last of his days in a small hut. The hermit was sympathetic to the stallions plight, as he had seen many families suffer the same fate on his journies. The hermit did have an answer to the stallions plight, but it would come at a terrible cost. The stallion happily accepted the proposition and led the hermit back to his dying farm. Once they had arrived, the hermit ordered the young farmer to pick up a rock. The stallion was confused at the the hermits demand, but the stallion answered his questionining look with a cryptic quote, saying that "the rocks would remember", and ordered the farmer to smash his horn and spread the pieces across his land. Though it was a very painful endeavour, the farmer did as he was told, and watched with amazement as the very land he stood on began to shine in a beautiful shade of green. Though the farmer or the hermit never lived to tell the story to more than a few young adventurers, they left a wonderful mark on a cruel world, in desperate need of a little wonderful.

Don't think I forgot about the Pegasi. I'll get to that later on.

Around this time, a powerful being was in control and it was not a pony. Instead, it was a physical manifestation of chaos itself. A being that liked to call itself Discord. Although no one could truly call him a murderer, his actions led to the suffering of all those that lived, including the poor little ponies. As an immortal, it was very easy for him to claim his spot as the ruler of Equestria, especially when the citizens could hardly care for themselves, let alone fight an immortal being. With torrents of chocloate milk and stampedes of disfigured animals, he was having the time of his life. Yet, in the back of his mind he knew this would not last forever. He was a tyrant, but he was no fool. He knew that chaos could not exist without harmony, and vice versa. It would come in a way that no one expected, on the backs of two regal ponies.

The first, a beautiful alabaster alicorn, would come in a brilliant ray of sunlight. With a pink mane to match her pink eyes, she traveled this troubled world with a bounce in her hoof and a smile, as radiant as the sun, on her snout. With her she brought the elements of magic, happiness, and kindness. .

Traveling to a small village, that would eventually become ponyville, she was met with a sight of suffering. Worn down buildings, starving ponies, and the occassional body. She knew that she would have to do something and she would have to start by leading this town to salvation. But no one welcomes a madpony who walks into town babbling on about salvation! She had to prove it and she knew just the way to do it. The first official town meeting Ponyville has ever had.

But thats a story I'll have to save for another time. I believe it's about time you woke up

"Hey. HEY! Wake up!"

Whatever it was that was yelling at me, it was basically punching me in the back of my head. "Hey buddy when the timber wolves come I won't be able to grow you a new set of legs. Get up! GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP!!" Wow that voice was really fucking annoying. "You think I'm annoying now? Wait until I start using the royal canterlot voice!

"Alright I'm up! Just give me a second." My arms and legs had gone completely numb and it felt like my head had a bad date with a hand grenade. "Why are my arms numb? Did you do anything to me while I was asleep?"

"I WAS tempted to. You DO look pretty adorable while your asleep." the voice joked, chuckling at my misfortune. "And you don't have any arms."

Opening my eyes I noticed something pretty strange. I didn't have anything fingers to flip Luna off with! Oh cruel fate!

"Oh god I thought you said this wasn't gonna hurt that much!" I groaned, shoving my face into the nice, cool dirt. "What did you make me anyway?" I asked, with a hint of excitement creeping into my voice. "I bet I would be pretty bad ass with a pair of wings!"

"What kind? I made you a nice, simple earth pony." She said, examining her hoof. "Wow. I could really uses another hooficure. And a back rub!" Stretching herself out, she gave her wings a quick flap." My wings are killing me!"

"Could you at least tell me that I look good?" I was pretty desperate for something to be excited about, and, just like any other insecure little girl, I asked about my looks. Hey can you blame me? I like to look good.

"Pretty average if you ask me. Brown mane, brown coat, and a decent set of green eyes. That's all I'm giving you. Now get up!" With a might tug of her hoof, she dragged me up on my four, shaky legs. "You need to start practicing or we're gonna be stuck out her for another night. And, as a princess, I'll make your life a living nightmare if I don't get to bed in a few hours."

The next hour that ensued was pretty damn awful. After several face plants I did manage to get the hang of it, but I looked like a walking seizure. " You'll get the hang of it. Now we need to work on a name." Finally, something I can work with! " How about the destroyer! Or Fireburst! Or you could even make me a prince!"

SMACK!

"Owwwwwww. That hurt!" I whimpered, rubbing the side of my face with a hoof. "Why would you do that?"

"This is serious. I can't have some crazy pony running around Equestria telling ponies that he is a prince. Though Rarity would just eat that up." She said, scratching her ear with a hoof. " We need to work on getting you a believable cutie mark." She said, pointing to my, surprisingly bare, flank.

"What?"

"All ponies have one to represent their talents. BUT since you HAVE no talent badly I'll have to give you a temporary one until then." Wow. Way to kill my mood. "I'm thinking puppy? Fluttershy would just love to have someone to talk to about animals!"

With a small glow emanating from her horn, Luna created my puppy cutie mark. It was very simple, with the the outline of a small puppy chasing a bouncing blue ball.

"Would she let me stay with her for a couple of days?" Luna gave me a quick nod, pointing to a small section of the forest with a stream flowing by. "You follow that stream and you'll find your mare! Good luck. And try not to die on me after the first day" She said, walking away nonchalantly.

"WHAT!? You're leaving already?"

"Yeah. I can't watch you forever! Just follow the stream and don't be a total pain in the plot when you meet her. She's a real sweetheart." Luna said, staring into the forest. "You won't be any trouble will you?" Luna asked, giving me a very dark glare.

"N-no! I'll be as nice as possible!" I replied sheepishly, with a smile. "I'll kill her with kindness."

"Good! If your lucky maybe you'll GET lucky." She said slyly, readying her horn for a long distance teleportation spell.

"What!?"

"Who said that!" She joked, looking around for the non existent, cheeky culprit, before disappearing in a bright flash of purple.

Crap.Staring into the forest, that had gotten about a thousand times more threatening, I looked at the winding path the stream took. See Cal- I mean Greenlight? Perfectly safe!. With one timid step, I began my journey through the forest.

5 Minutes Later

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!"

Not even ten minutes into my epic quest and I pulled off having a panic attack. You should have seen that frog though! It was gonna kill me!

After a short time "sprinting" like a maniac, I forced myself to take on a steady trot. Ok Greenlight the danger has passed. Lets just focus on finding Fluttershy!. Walking next the stream, I finally had a chance to actually LOOK at the forest I was so afraid of. Tall green trees, the typical wildlife you would expect on Earth, and even a few cute, little rabbits. It was like a piece of Earth had followed me here to my new home. I was actually starting to like it.

Snap!

"Oh god! Don't fuck me up bro! Don't fuck me up!" Taking off in a dead "sprint", I began making my escape.

Now when I say sprint I don't actually mean sprint. My legs were still sore, my head still hurt a bit, and I couldn't get a good walk down properly. It was more like a mix of a fast walk and a heart attack. My legs were flailing everywhere, and I wasn't moving any faster than before.

"Sprinting" my way through a large opening, I noticed a small tree sitting on a hill. This tree had windows, a nice little garden and even a door! Finally! Salvation!. Racing past a few confused animals and a very angry looking bunny, who was waving a paw at me, I dove straight through the door and shut it behind me.

"Ha suck it freak! Lets see you get in here now!"

Knock knock knock

"I'm not home! Go away!" Genius Caleb. This guy will totally leave now. "I don't want any cookies!". After a few seconds of silence I began to relax a little....Until I noticed something yellow trying to climb through the window. "Trespasser!" I shouted. With my body trembling in righteous fury, I tackled my assailant and pinned him to the floor with a hoof.

My....whimpering assailant.

"I-im sorry m-mister! Please d-don't hurt me!" She cried, with tears pouring out of her of her aquamarine eyes. Daaawwww she was SO CUTE! The poor thing was hiding her tear covered face behind her long pink mane. Small and scrawny, the mare had a small set of wings on her back to magnify the level of cuteness she had reached. Did Luna ever say if Fluttershy was a pegasus? Nah! Theres no way this is her!

Examining the poor mare I had just tackled, I finally noticed the cutie mark that sat on her flank. Three butterflies. Oops.

"Is your name Fluttershy?" Please say no please say no please say no. "Y-yes." she whimpered, still sniffling as she wiped the tears away from her eyes.

Ha! And Luna thought I was gonna get lucky!

Flutters and fluffy, furry, fondling, flying friends. (edited)

"Again, I am so so sorry!"

After consoling the poor mare, she finally agreed to settle down on a small couch while I made her a cup of hot tea.

"W-whats your n-name mister? I mean if y-you don't mind me asking." she added, with trembling hooves threatening to drop the cup of hot tea she was holding. Chamomile for those who are wondering.

"Oh my names Greenlight. I came from a small country called A-mare-ica. A nice little place, but we have a bit of a weight problem." I added, hoping she wouldn't catch on to the lie.

"Oh that sounds terrible! I d-don't mean that the country is bad just the ponies! I mean not the ponies b-but ... b-but. Eeep!" With a nervous little squeal, she dropped the cup of hot tea and hid behind a small red cushion. "I-im so sorry I didn't to call you mean to call you a bad p-pony!"

*cough* "Well anyway." I said, desperate for something to help distract the sniffling mare. "I noticed you have butterflies for a cutie mark. What exactly is your talent?"

Finally putting down her cushion, she looked at me with a small smile. "W-well my talent is taking of care of animals. Growing up, I always thought that my talent had something to do with flying. But after a small incident at flight school, I learned that I belonged down here with all the cute, little critters." she finished, looking at me with a small blush on her yellow snout. "Why do you ask?"

I didn't respond. Instead, I turned to show my flank and the small the cutie mark that sat on it. "My uh dad bought me a little puppy when I was just a colt. As soon as I saw Max, I knew exactly what I wanted to be." It wasn't entirely a lie. I did have a dog named Max.

"Oh my! Thats just so amazingly wonderful!" she squeed, with her a wide smile growing wider on her face. " I've never met a pony that shares the same interests as me! I'm always stuck caring for the animals all by myself, and it would be wonderful if I had a big, strong *cough cough cough* "

Mid sentence and Fluttershy had suddenly started coughing, as she tried to cover her furiously blushing face with her hooves. "I m-mean I would appreciate a-another h-helping hoof. If y-you d-don't mind that is!"

"Well I could use a place to st-

"You could stay here! Uh i mean, I do have a spare room. If y-you want to use it that is." She added, deflated at the possibility that she had ruined her chances with a stallion that shared a similar interest with her.

"Actually, I would really appreciate it." I responded, happy at the sudden turn of events.

"Yay! *cough*uh I meanletmegetyouablanket!" In a single breathe, she spat out the entire sentence before speeding off into the next room.

It was pretty obvious to anyone that came by to visit that she adored animals. Everything around the house was built specifically for a certain animals needs. Birdhouses hung from the ceiling, small walkways led to holes in the wall which, I assumed, was meant to accommodate mice, and even a few litter boxes for the occasional stray. It really made me respect the passion she had for the career she had chosen. I wish I felt the same way about something back at home. I thought, looking at masterfully crafted bird feeders that adorned the walls. The work spent putting this place together must have been staggering!

CRASH!

"Are you okay over there Fluttershy!?" I called, worried about my temporary little landlord. "Do you need any help?"

Edging over to the entrance of the guest room, I could hear something moving around heavy furniture.

"Flutters?" looking through the doorway, I saw the pony dragging pieces of a destroyed bed and throwing them outside through a window. "Greenlight I'm so sorry! I forgot that Rainbow Dash ruined the bed from our last sleep over!" she responded, kicking the last bits of a ruined bed through the window. "It looks l-like you'll have to find another bed to sleep in! Hehehehe."

"Than where am I gonna sleep?" I asked, following Fluttershy to a small set of stairs.

"W-well you could s-sleep with m-me. N-not sleep with m-me but lay in bed with me i-in a non sexual way! W-wouldn't that b-be fun? We c-could have a s-sleep over!" She exclaimed, a little to loudly.

"Sure." I answered, trying, and failing to scratch in itch on my back.

"R-really?"

"Yeah. It's not really a big deal. Just don't try anything funny okay?" But my demands went unheeded as a smile, quite literally, exploded onto her snout.

"Yay!" she squeed, taking my hoof. "This will be much so much fun! We can talk about bears, and kitties, and puppies and so many other animals!"

While she pulled me up the stairs, I noticed a small, angry looking bunny, giving me a nasty glare. "Hey little buddy." but my waving hoof was only met with a small, white paw slowly crossing his throat as a warning of my impending doom.

"Oh don't worry about Angel. He can be really nice if he gets to know you." Fluttershy said as she tugged me through the door way. "Could you get a blanket out the closet?"

"Sure." I made my way to a small set of blue doors and pulled open. Pulling out a soft, green blanket with my mouth, I turned to see a something I wouldn't soon forget. Fluttershy laying on her bed in seductive position, akin to that of a french girl waiting to be painted.

"Fluttershy what are you doing?" I asked, spitting out the blanket.

"I'm not doing anything.....Yet." she whispered, stroking her leg in an effort to seduce her guest.

"Or! Or...We could perform a certain ritual ponies from my country used to do." I said, mimicking her seductive tone. Putting on the best strut I could manage, I made my way to bed and pushed Fluttershy on her back. "Now move yourself to That side of the bed." I said pointing a hoof the opposite end of the bed.

"W-what are you gonna do" She asked, scooting herself the other end.

"Oh you'll see." I answered, gathering pillows together on the bed. "Are you ready Flutters?"

"Y-Yes?" She replied, curious about the situation at hand. The whole time I tried my best to keep a serious look on my face, as the mare that had tried to seduce me watched in wonder, and eventually shock, as I began to build an "impenetrable" wall of pillows.

"W-what are you doing?" She asked, hidden from sight by the wall of pillows. "I-i thought we were g-going to do something....Special."

"What? Don't you know that a night without physical contact is a special way to bond? We could just spend all night talking! Doesn't that sound fun?" I replied nonchalantly, as I finished up the last of my makeshift wall. "Perfect! Goodnight Flutters." I called, covering my self with the soft, green blanket.

"But..But...." She squeaked, desperate for something that could sway this odd stallions mind. "Could I at least hold your hoof?"

*sigh* "Fine. But mom won't be happy about this!" I surrendered, sliding my hoof underneath the wall only to have it ensnared in a ball of fur.

"Yay!" Fluttershy squealed, rubbing her face against my hoof in a creepy fit of...Ecstasy?

"Goodnight Flutters." I mumbled, disgusted at this mares appetite for physical contact.

"Goodnight Greenlight."

Letting out a massive yawn, I finally let myself drift off to sleep under the soft blanket, and the warmth it offered.

The Next Morning...

"G-Greenlight I'm sorry!" Fluttershy called from her doorstep. "Please don't be mad at me!"

Last night wasn't exactly the worst sleepover I've ever had, but waking up next to a "clopping" mare tends to put it at the top of the list. I did manage to fall back asleep afterwards, but the image had been burned into my mind. It's not something I want to share. So after a short talk and a bit of help, I had Fluttershy point me in the direction of the nearest town.

My esca- uh i mean journey to Ponyville began shortly afterwards.

Meanwhile

Trixie's journey had taken a turn from unpleasant to ATROCIOUS! To think that somepony as wonderful and amazing as Trixie would be forced to come back to this sorry excuse of a town!

After a several bad shows, ranging from Baltimare to Saddle Arabia, Trixie had grown desperate for another show to put herself back over the top. And, after the debacle that occurred in her previous visit to Ponyville, she couldn't afford another failure or she would surely fade into obscurity. NO! Trixie refuses to let that happen! Trixie IS and WILL BE the greatest magician in Equestrian history! Maybe if Trixie could get that handsome, red stallion to-

BAM!

Unaware of her surroundings, due to her lusty little day dreams, Trixie had unknowingly wandered into the path of a brown stallion, who seemed to be in quite a hurry.

"OW! What the fuck lady!" The brown stallion hissed, dragging himself out of dirt. "Watch where you're going! Goddamn kids these days."

"LADY!? I am the Great and Powerful TRIXIE! Why don't YOU watch where you're going!?" Trixie snarled, draping her cape across her back, with a light blue glow from her horn. *sigh* "As much as Trixie would like to sit talk to lowly peasants, she must get to Ponyville soon if she wishes to make it to Canterlot by tonight."

"LOWLY PEASANT!? Bitch I just got a record deal! I'm about to blow UP!" The brown stallion replied, waving his arms in the air as a gesture of an explosion. Wow. This stallion is almost as egotistical as Trixie is.

"As if! Now get out of the way! Trixie is in a hurry and she does not want to spend anytime in Ponyville." Pushing the stallion out of the way, she found her hat in a bush a few feet from the cart.

"Ponyville? Mind if I tag along?" The stallion asked, as he watched Trixie dust off her hat.

"Tag along with Trixie? Ha! Trixie will already have to deal with enough trash in Ponyville, and she does not need some loser following her around." She answered, putting her hat back on her head.

"I thought you were the great and powerful. All great and powerful people have groupies."

"I am!" Trixie replied, pulling herself back up on the cart." Trixie just doesn't want a bunch of useless ponies following her around all the time!"

"So you're saying you've NEVER an assistant? And here I thought I was talking to somepony great and powerfull." Looking back at the pitiful stallion, Trixie noticed the smug smile he had on his face. He does have a point. Trixie has never had an assistant before. And SHE has an assistant.

"Oh well. Your loss." The stallion called, walking away while he whistled a tune.

"WAIT!" Trixie called, stopping the stallion dead in his tracks. " Just this once, Trixie will allow you to bask in her glorious presence. Okay? Just try and make yourself useful."

"Deal! So what do you need me to do boss?" The stallion asked, looking up at a facehoofing Trixie.

"Simple. Trixie needs you to pull her cart into town." She answered, pointing a hoof down at her beloved cart. "If Trixie sees any scratches, you will pay for them. Got it"

"Y-yeah." The stallion answered, looking at the rough, dirt road that lead to their destination.

"Good!" Trixie exclaimed, throwing a set of ropes and chains to the ground. " Here are the reins and the harness. Tie yourself up to cart and get to work. Trixie has a lot of beauty sleep to catch up on and she does NOT want to be disturbed."

She finished, as she opened a door that led inside the cart.

"Do I get payed?" The brown stallion called out, but much to his displeasure, Trixie answered the question by slamming the door to the cart. Looking down at the ropes and chains the mare had thrown to the ground, the stallion let out a small sigh in defeat and began to tediously tie himself to the cart. "This better be worth it. TRIXIE." The stallion added, spitting out the last name like it was poison.

Sweets, Suprises, and a VERY sad Trixie

"So that will be 75 bits for the broke wheel, 20 bits to get it cleaned, and another 20 to PAY FOR A HOTEL!"

What should have been a 5 minute trip down the a dirt road had become a 30 minute disaster orchestrated by Equestria's most incompetent stallion, whose idiocy rivals that of the infamous Prance Legstrong. To add insult to injury, Trixie had quickly come to the bitter conclusion that a night in Ponyville was unavoidable. And she was running out of bits FAST.

"Uh huh." I replied, trying to give my sore legs a break. "Is that alot of money?"

"Yes. Yes it is." Trixie said, giving her precious cart a forlorn look. "We haven't even made it to the city limits." She muttered, tossing a quick glare at the worn stallion.

Letting loose a small sigh, Trixie turned to face her assistant. " You have to be the worst assistant Trixie has EVER seen. You managed to put Trixie's illustrious career in jeopardy in half an hour. What is Trixie going to do now?"

"Hey it isn't that bad." I replied, trying my best to soothe the crestfallen mare. "Just give it a night to come up with a plan and we'll be back on the road in no time!"

"Whatever!" Trixie sneered, making her way back to the ruined cart. "You better pray that Trixie has enough bits to get to Canterlot! Now GET MOVING!"

"Wait." I whispered, looking at the small town. "Do you see something?" In the distance I could just pick out the shape of something pink moving towards us.

"See what? All Trixie can see is a town filled with petty little foals." Trixie wasn't interested. What she was interested in was the scandal surrounding the death of a local blacksmith. Apparently he had gone insane and tried to craft HIMSELF as a sword. But thats not important.

"I'm serious! It's moving this way and it's REALLY pink!" Narrowing my eyes, I could just BARELY pick out the pink blur. I didn't know what it was but it was closing in quickly. And it looked happy.....A little to happy.

"T-Trixie?" I called, staring in horror at the pink missile.

"What now?" she replied, lounging on the cart with her nose still buried in a issue of Mares Monthly. "If you want something to eat there's grass everywhere."

"IT'S NOT STOPPING!" I cried, trying to make a quick escape in the opposite direction.

Whatever it was, it launched itself at its prey with deadly precision landing squarely on the stallions back reducing the two to a rolling ball of fur.

"WHAT IS GOING IN HERE?" Trixie shouted, still perched safely on her mobile home.

After a few more seconds of struggle, The pink killer finally managed to slam her prey on its back in a display of physical dominance. To add to this horrible show of cruelty the victor wore a bright smile on her face, reveling in yet another easy introduction to Ponyville.

"OHMYGOSHYOU'REANEWPONYAREN'TYOU!" The mare screamed, with her over excited face pressed against the brown stallions. "YOUARE!I'VENEVERSEENABROWNSTALLIONWITHGREENEYESBEFORE! JUSTWAITUNTILFLUTTERSHYMEETSYOU!!!"

GASP "But what are you doing with meanie mcjerk face!?" She asked, giving the showmare a half lidded glare, daring her to make a wrong move.

"Get off me WOMAN!" I screamed, trying, and failing, to move the pink pony. Even with a full grown stallion under her, screaming and squirming, she managed to ignore his pleas and focus her attention on the showmare.

"What are YOU doing back here!?" she hissed, both hooves raised like a scorpions tail, ready to strike her foe down at a moments notice.

"Trixie can go wherever she wishes! You should be glad you can bask in Trixie presence for a day!" she replied smoothly, her head held high in a show of pride and confidence.

'Okie dokie lokie." It was really quite the standoff, but I was being crushed under the mares weight.

"OHMYGOSH!!!INEEDTOGETYOURPARTYSTARTED!" The pink psychopath screamed, before dashing her way back into town.

After a few seconds of silence, Trixie gave another depressed sigh and returned to her magazine. "Lets just get moving."

"Alright." I replied, starting the grueling process of retying myself to the cart. "And I thought you didn't have a couple of fans!"

"GET MOVING!"

20 painful minutes later

Plop!

Glad that the agony was over, I finally had a chance to throw myself into the cool, welcoming dirt. "Oh GOD this feels amaaaazing!"

After an earful from Trixie on cart driving etiquette, We finally found a decent hotel "suitable enough for Trixie".

"Trixie we're here!" I called, stilled laying in the dirt. Throughout the entire trip I had heard almost nothing from Trixie, other than the occasional whisper giving me directions or her giving me a quick lecture on who has the right of way in a cart.

"Shhhhh! No one can know Trixie is here!" She hissed, hiding behind the carts door..

"Okay. HONEY WE'RE HERE!" I screamed, drawing plenty attention from the locals. "Oh it's okay guys! She's just really shy!"

"Shut up you idiot!" Trixie hissed, stepping out with a black cloak covering most of her angry form. "They'll kick us out if they now Trixie is staying here!"

"Lets just rent a room alright." pinking myself up. "I could REALLY use a shower."

Comfort's Stable. A nice, two story hotel far enough away from town to keep from attracting any unwanted attention. I really didn't get why Trixie went to such lengths to hide from people. Everyone seemed so nice and so happy, Eventually I was starting to walk around with a smile!

What could ANYONE do to get these people to turn on them?I thought, pushing my way through a set of wooden doors. After some thought, I figure that it would be better if I didn't press for an answer.

Looking into the main lobby, I noticed a yellow coated, blue maned stallion snoring, with his head resting on the counter.

"Hey!" I called, walking up to the drool covered counter. "Hey buddy. Wake up......WAKE UP!"

That did the job. "W-what!? OH! W-welcome to Comfort's Stable. Let me just wipe that up." Embarrassed at his previous state, the stallion reached into his messy mane and produced a small white rag.

After scrubbing the counter down, he looked back at me with a cheesy "I fucked up, please don't tell my boss" look. "So what can I do for you?"

"Well my wife and I really need a place to stay for the- WILL YOU GET OVER HERE!"

You think someone so cocky and so arrogant would have a little more confidence in herself. Not Trixie. In an act of courage and honor, Trixie had taken it upon herself to guard the entrance from ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. And she refused to budge from her spot.

Leaning closer to the perplexed stallion, I pointed a hoof "at my wife". "I'm sorry about my wife's behavior. She a little "slow". Had an accident when she was a foal and she hasn't been right since"

"Well I'm sorry to hear that." he replied, giving the stunned Trixie a small wave.

"So how much is it for a room anyway?" I asked

"10 bits a night, including the cost for room service." He answered, giving Trixie an occasional glance. "Is she gonna be alright? She looks a little...sweaty."

"It's alright. Shes just in heat"

"Husband, don't you think you should RENT A ROOM?" Trixie called, still tucked away in the corner of the lobby. "You don't want to keep me waiting DO YOU?"

"J-just sign here." the stallion stuttered, pulling a small clipboard from under the counter. "Sign on the dotted line."

"A-alright." My biggest challenge yet. Writing.

I failed that challenge miserably. After an embarrassing ten minutes fumbling with the pen, Trixie finally decided to intervene and sign it herself while she gave me a venomous glare with a "wait until we get into the room" look written all over it. After that we finally got our key and ascended a flight of stairs.'

"Room 8." I told the fuming Trixie, who finally worked up the nerve to remove her hood. "Over there."

A yellow door with a small number 8 painted on the doorway.

"Ladies first?" I said, holding the door open.

Pushing past me, Trixie led the way into a small blue room with two queen-sized beds taking up most of the space. A single window sat in the back of the room, opposite the doorway, allowing any visitor a great view of the pony filled streets below.

Trixie didn't give two shits though. With a huff, Trixie plopped herself on a bed and buried her face in a small pink pillow. Trying to calm herself down in the midst of a very harsh situation.

"Trixie?" worried about the small mare and the fact that she hasn't beaten me yet, I sat myself down on the other bed and waited for a response. "If you're mad about the cart I'll find a way to pay you back."

Is she crying?

"Trixie whats wrong?" I whispered, leaning closer to mare.

"Nothings wrong you idiot." she said, her face still buried in the pillow.

"I may be stupid, but I know when a pony is lying to me. So spill the beans Trixie!"

With that, Trixie launched a tear stained pillow at my face. "You want to know what Trixie's problem is!?" She screamed, with tears in her eyes threatening to spill over once more. "She was SUPPOSED to be the greatest magician of all time! But look at her now! Reduced to slinking around like a thief! Trixie isn't a magician shes a FAILURE!"

"W-what!? What about that show in Canterlot?" I couldn't believe what I was seeing! A strong, hardheaded mare had been reduced to a fit of tears and sniffles.

"Trixie hasn't had a decent show in almost a year!" She cried, rubbing her eyes with her hooves. "I'm not going back to Canterlot to put on another show. I'm going back to see if Trixie's father will take her back in."

"It couldn't be tha-"

"SHUT UP! Trixie can't even afford to pay to have her cart repaired." Whimpering, she turned her back on me. "Just leave Trixie alone. She just needs some time to think."

"Well why can't you put on a show here in Ponyville?" I replied, pointing a hoof towards the open window.

Just outside that window was a town filled with activity. Little foals running through the streets playing their little games, mares gossiping about the cutest stallions, and a group gathering around the bakery, excited about Pinkie's "Welcome to Ponyville" party for a new pony in town. All of them had something  to be happy about. To bad Trixie couldn't relate at the moment.

"You'll find out why sooner or later." She muttered, still facing the wall. "Just leave."

"Alright." I said, making my way out of the room. "I'll bring you a cinnamon roll or something."

After making a request to the stallion at the counter to watch over my "wife", I finally left the hotel.

Initially the town looked easy enough to navigate. Now I had no clue on what to do or where to go. To make matters worse, the citizens of Ponyville decided that yellow EVERYTHING was a good idea.

"Hmmmm. Hey! Dude with the red coat!" I called, waving a hoof at a large stallion. "Can you help me out?"

"Eeyup." For a pony, I was a big enough size to take care of myself but this guy was HUGE! He was atleast a foot taller, 60 pounds heavier, and to add to his air of superiority he had a flock of mares following him.

"He's so dreamy!" One sighed, causing whispers of agreement. "Look at all of that muscle!' One squeed, causing the others to giggle. "And check out that FLANK!" One exclaimed, hopping in place. This got a loud squeal of delight from the group.

COUGH "Anyway. Ya think you can point me to a bakery? The wife's in a bad mood and I could really use something to help her relax right about now."

This got me a look of sympathy from the stallion, who I'm sure has a bit of an idea on how a mare can get. With a quick nod, he pointed a red hoof down the street behind me. "Follow the road and take a left. You'll run into Ponyville's best bakery."

With that he went on his way, leading the herd of mares with him.

Just down the road and to the left. I thought, as I made my way to sugary salvation.

Compared to Texas, this place wasn't that bad. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood and a few even waved at me! If someone waved at you in Borger, it was probably to start a fight or to dismiss you. As cheesy as it was to think, I felt right at home here.

"Hey dude. Hows it goin. " A voice said, a little to close for comfort.

"Huh?" Turning to my right, I noticed the mare that had apparently accompanied me on my trek to the bakery.

"I said HOW IS IT GOING?" From the first glance, I could tell that the mare was pretty athletic, with a decently toned body covered in cyan fur, and a attention grabbing, white mane to go with here spring green eyes. "What? Never talk to a mare before?"

"Lady, mares can barely keep their hooves off of me!" I replied, trying to stay cool in front of my unexpected companion.

"Whatever chump!" she laughed, punching, and possibly shattering, my ribs,

"Hehehehe. Y-ya know me." I whimpered, fighting back tears of pain. "Always cracking jokes." Oh god the agony!

"My names Fleetfoot." She said, doing a mock salute. "Finally taking some time off from the military"

"Greenlight. Doing all the cool stuff I usually do when I haven't eaten in a while." I replied, giving the same mock salute. "What did you enlist as anyway? The executioner?"

"Funny. I'm actually a sergeant in the Wonderbolts!" She exclaimed, a bright smile growing on her face. "One more promotion and I'll be with the best of the best!"

"Thats PRETTY cool. I guess."

"PRETTY COOL?" Fleeftoot gawked, shocked at the stallions blatant arrogance. "What do YOU do!? Huh chump?"

"Time to strut my stuff! "Well if you MUST know. I'm the one and only Tic-tac-toe champion AND the greatest eater this world has ever SEEN!" I replied, putting on the most badass strut I could manage.

"OH MY!" Fleetwing cried sarcastically. "I must be in the presence of the next Starswirl the Bearded! Do you mind if I have an autograph oh great one?"

"Damn right you can! That'll be about 300 bits." I said nonchalantly, looking back down the road at my upcoming turn. "Where are you headed anyway."

"SugarCube Corner. I heard that there was new pony coming into town and everyone knows that Pinkie throws the best welcome parties! You would have to be an idiot to miss out!"

"Will they have cinnamon rolls at this "Party" " I asked, feigning stupidity.

"They'll have everything." She said, chuckling at my show idiocy. "You'll know SugarCube Corner when you see it chump."

Coming to the end of the road, I finally took the left turn and came face to face with the greatest things I had seen in a LONG time. A giant cupcake. Not just any giant cupcake,but a cupcake house being filled with ponies and pastries of all sizes and shapes. Cupcakes, cookies, cakes, pie, sweet rolls, jello and pudding, and a shit ton of ice cream!

"Oh god," I whispered, with a small tear rolling down my cheek. " It's beautiful."

"Are you okay champ?" Fleetfoot said, patting me on my back.

"It's AMAZING!" I squeed, giving a little hop of excitement. "Is this heaven?"

"Nope. It's Ponyville. Lets get inside before they eat everything."

Storytime!

"So how do these things usually go anyway?" I asked, looking around at the large, impatient crowd.

My companion wasn't paying any attention however, since she was captivated by a certain stallion that had made his way into the crowd. "Hey I'm over here you crazy mare!" I yelled, nudging Fleetfoot with a hoof. "What the hells wrong with you?"

"W-what?" She replied, turning back to me with a small trail of drool winding down her chin.

"Ew! Dude what the buck were you staring at!?" I exclaimed, taking a few steps back from the horrible sight. "Oh man how am I going to sleep at night!?"

Without uttering a word, she pointed a hoof at the large red stallion sitting in the crowd, literally surrounded by other hypnotized mares. "H-HIM!" she moaned, wiping a the drool off of her chin with a shaky hoof. "SO HOT!"

"Fine go over there and bug him.  I'll just stay here and wait for the damn party to start." I muttered, trying to get the horrible image out of my mind.

With a small nod, she floated over to the stallion and took her place with the rest of the herd. We WERE waiting for the bakery to let the ponies in, but it seemed as though the preparations were taking a little longer than usual.

"Where in Celestia's name is the new guy?" A random pony from the crowd muttered, getting several impatient whispers of agreement from the other ponies in the crowd. "Pinkie isn't gonna be to happy when she finds out that the new guy is late" another pony added. "Do y'all remember what happened to the last pony that decided to show up late?" whispers of horror and fear spread through the crowd.

'W-what happened?" I asked, hoping someone in the crowd would answer. Luckily an aquamarine mare inched closer to me and whispered the answer into my ear. "Well, when Pinkie found out that the last pony was trying to avoid the party, she tied him up dragged him over here!" Another mare, with a dark blue and pink mane, decided to follow her lead and whispered into my other ear. "When he finally came out of SugarCube Corner, he was covered in chocolate and whipped cream! It took a whole week to scrub the chocolate out of his fur!"

"What do I do if I'm the new pony in town?" I whispered, looking back and forth between the two mares. This got a gasp from both mares, who gave each other a quick look of fear. "HEY EVERYPONY THE NEW GUY IS RIGHT HERE!" They screamed in unison.

With that bit of information out, the crowd parted and I was left alone and out in the open. "Celestia save him!" "Ugh. I can only imagine what Pinkie will do to him!" "Let's just hope that he likes pie." These were a few of the whispers shared amongst the fearful crowd, as they waited for the pink one to claim her prize.

"So no ones going to help me out!? Y'all can go fuc-"

While I sat and scolded the crowd for its cowardice, I never noticed Pinkie Pie slinking her way through the mortified ponies like a shark, circling its dying prey. Just as I finished my soliloquy on where they could shove their heads, Pinkie pounced.

"ARGH!" She shrieked, flying through the air like a miniature missile.

"Oh no-

BAM!

"I FINALLY FOUND YOU MISTER GREEN EYES!" She screamed, with her face mashed against mine. "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUUUUUUUN!"

Just as my hopes faded, an angelic voice called! "Pinkie Pie get off of him RIGHT NOW!" Oh thank goodness! My hero! With Pinkie hesitantly dragging herself off of my paralyzed body, a purple mare pushed her way through the crowd.

"I am so sorry about Pinkie!" she apologized, as she helped me up off ground. "She just loves meeting new ponies and she hates it when ponies avoid her parties." As she helped me dust myself off, she was glaring daggers at the party pony. "She just can't control herself."

"It's alright. I have a sister just like her." I replied, looking back at the, now deflated, pink pony. "Whats wrong Pinkie?"

"Do you still want to have a super duper awesome "Welcome to Ponyville" party?" She whimpered, giving me the biggest set of puppy eyes I had ever seen.

"Do you have cinnamon rolls?" I asked, giving the sad mare a small smile.

"Y-yeah."

"Okay I'll stay."

Poof!In a visible display of excitement, Pinkie had literally inflated back into the happy go lucky pony that she was."YAY!" she squealed, hopping in the air  "PARTY IS BACK ON EVERYPONY!"

Cheers of excitement and relief overtook the crowd, as they followed the pink pony inside the bakery. A weird sight really. There was no way so many ponies could fit into that one building.

"Do you wanna go inside? You still have to introduce yourself to everypony." Fleetfoot said, punching the back of my, already bruised, head. "You know you could've told me you were the new guy. I would have saved you all the trouble!"

"All right I'm sorry!" I groaned rubbing the back of my head. "Just stop with the physical abuse already!"

Leading the way, Fleetfoot took my hoof and dragged me inside the bakery filled with ponies. Not really a bad looking party, but I expected a more human like party, with the booze and the dancing. Instead there was a cheesy brand of pop music filling up the bakery, with a small square reserved as a dance floor.

"Fleetfoot look!" I cried, pulling Fleetfoot back with the hoof she attempted to drag me inside with. "Cinnamon rolls! Cinnamon rolls everywhere!"

"Too late for that chump! You still have to introduce yourself."Fleetfoot replied, painfully grabbing my ear and tugging me to towards a small stage, where Pinkie and my purple savior waited eagerly.

Pushing me up on stage, I realized that all eyes were on me. Staring at me and scrutinizing every move I made. Oh god. Stage fright. I thought as my legs began to shake.

The purple unicorn cleared her throat, and with a flash from her small horn, pulled out a small microphone to speak with. "I'm glad everypony could make to welcome another pony to Ponyville! lets give the new pony a big round of applause!" She said, before turning floating the microphone in my direction.

With a shaky hoof, I took the microphone and looked back at the crowd. 'H-Hi everypony." I said, with a nervous chuckle. "S-so how are these days?" I asked awkwardly, earning a face hoof from FleetFoot.

"Just tell us your name already you nerd!" She called, before ducking behind the back of the crowd with a goofy smile on her face.

"M-my name is Gree-"

"GREENLIGHT!" a familiar voice cried, "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

"Oh god please no more pai-"

PLOP!

"Oh Greenlight I've been looking for you everywhere." Fluttershy whispered, rubbing her face against my neck. "You know you shouldn't wander off like that! What would I do if you got hurt?"

"Darling is this the special somepony you were speaking so highly of?" A high class voice asked, approaching the small scene Fluttershy had created. "I must admit darling, you have yourself quite the stallion."

"All right everypony shows over! Get back to the party!" Another mare exclaimed, dispersing the audience that was forming around the small stage. "Fluttershy is this the guy!? I thought you said he was the best!"

"Oh he is Rainbow Dash!" Fluttershy squeaked, still sitting on top of my sore body. "Hes the best coltfriend a mare could hope for!"

"Whatever. He looks like another chump to me." A rainbow made pegasus huffed, hovering over her yellow friend.

"Could you please get off of him?" Fleetfoot interjected, as she glided on stage. "I don't think he an take anymore punishment after his run in with Pinkie Pie."

After a small struggle with the clingy mare, Fleetfoot managed to drag the Fluttershy off of my chest. "You alright champ?"

"NO! My ribs!" Overall it was a good start to a good day.

_________________________________________________________________

After few minutes spent dragging me to a small table, the other mares finally pulled up chairs and gathered around the table, with looks of curiosity burning in their eyes. Well all of them except Fluttershy. She still had her hooves draped around my neck, refusing to let go of her precious "Coltfriend."

"It seems you've already met Fluttershy." The white mare said, with a small smile. "I'm Rarity, Ponyvilles number one dressmaker."

"Has Fluttershy always been like this with other stallions?" I asked, looking at the others for answer.

The rainbow maned pegasus gave me a sympathetic nod. "For as long as I can remember. You should have seen her in flight school. She nearly got expelled for stalking a coach!"

The yellow pegasus was oblivious to the comments though, as she nuzzled my neck with glee. "I;m never ever going to lose you again!" She squeed, earning a round of face hooves from the table.

"You never told me where you were from chump!" Fleetfoot said with some exasperation. "I barely even got your name. So tell us all about yourself."

"Shes right!" The purple unicorn, whom they called Twilight Sparkle, exclaimed, pulling out a small notepad and a pencil from her mane. "Tell us all about yourself!"

"Well I actually wanted to ask y'all a few a questions." I still wanted to why Trixie needed to hide from the public eye, and I figured now was a perfect chance to do so.

"What do you want to know?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Well I actually wanted to ask about a mare named Trixie."

That earned me a collective gasp from the mares, while Pinkie spat out a small stream of hot chocolate in shock. "OH MY GOSH GUYS! I JUST REMEMBERED!" She screamed, pointing a hoof in my face. "I saw Trixie and Greenlight walk into town together!"

"Is this true Greenlight?" Rarity asked, staring at me with a mixture of shock and distrust. "Haven't you heard about all of the trouble she has caused around town?"

"Shes right chump." Fleetfoot muttered, before taking another bite from a blueberry muffin. "If it wasn't for Twilight, Trixie would have had Ponyville leveled by an Ursa Minor."

"A what?"

Putting the notepad and pencil back into her mane, Twilight turned to me with a serious look in her eyes. "An Ursa Minor is a magical bear, known for it's large size and ferocity. We call it an Ursa Minor because its fur look like its made out of stars." She stated, getting nods from her friends. "When Trixie came into town she started bragging about her ability to take down a full grown Ursa Major. Of course no one believed her, so a few of her FANS decided to bring one into town to prove how great she was."

"Yeah Snips and Snails went into the forest and pissed off an Ursa Minor just to show how tough Trixie was! But when it came into town, Trixie couldn't even scratch it!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, before patting Twilight on her head. "But Twilight here was able to put that thing down without breaking a sweat!"

"Rainbow Dash I didn't hurt it!" Twilight said, with a small blush. "I just put it to sleep."

"Whatever Twilight! That was the coolest thing I had ever SEEN!" The pegasus exclaimed, with a big grin.

"Trixie hasn't been welcome to town ever since." Rarity added, still staring at me with prying eyes. "Which is why we would like to ask YOU what you were doing with her."

"I'm her assistant." I replied nervously, finding sudden interest in the roof.

"WHAT!? You're working with Trixie!?" Rarity hissed, as the others looked at me with disapproval and anger. "Don't you know what ponies would do to you if they found out you were working with HER!?"

"I'm not going to abandon her now! Shes alone and she needs some help getting to Canterlot!" I pleaded, trying to earn some sympathy points. "She didn't come back to hurt anyone, she just wants get back home!"

"Don't explain anything to these foals. I don't need their pity." A familiar voice snarled.

Uh oh.

Behind Bars Part 1

Jail......Pony jail.

With a loud slam of a plastic tray, an angry Trixie took her place at the table in between me and a twitchy, snow colored mare.

"Prison." Trixie whispered to herself, as she sat down and rested her weary head on the hard surface of the wooden table. "And Trixie thought that she couldn't sink any lower in this Celestia forsaken world."

Did I feel bad for her? Not really. Sure, the other prisoners were creepy as hell, but the food was great and the place wasn't that bad! I would try to help her get out of her funk, but it usually ended with me on the floor and in massive pain. So I just let her be. But Equestrian prison wasn't exactly something I would hate coming to every once and a while. Hell I might even reserve a cell as a place to get away from it all.

Replace the harsh, stone walls of a human prison with marble walls and wooden floors, take the iron bars away from the windows, and swap out the the typical prison food with a decent salad, a small pastry, and a mug of hot chocolate and you've got yourself a prison for ponies. To top it all off, the typical prison yards that I had come to expect had been replaced with a serviceable park! Green grass, blooming flowers, and a few trees surrounded the place and I'll be damned if they ever kick me out of here.

I'd already finished my mug of hot chocolate and I was in the middle of relieving the sulking magician of hers when I noticed just how far badly her confidence had crumbled. While I took a few sips from her blue mug, I gave my partner in crime a quick glance. She's a mess. I thought, as I examined a withering form. Mental images of the crying mare at our short time at the hotel wormed their way into my mind, as I sat examined her withering form. Even then, she at least had the energy to throw me out, but this wasn't sadness or depression. It was hopelessness and submission. Bummer.

Her fierce eyes had lost their luster, she couldn't afford to bail herself out, and she didn't even put in the effort to clean herself up anymore. Our stay hadn't exactly been long, but it was taking its toll on the mare and she didn';t even bother to hide it anymore.

There was only one thing left to do. "Trixie.....Hey Trixie....TRIXIE.......Hey....Hey." And so began the childish routine of prodding her shoulder and repeating her name. Over and over and over again. "Trixie....Trixie....Trixie....TRIXIE!"

With a sudden twist of her head, the enraged mare nearly almmed her face against mine. She had a nasty snarl plastered on her snout and crazed look in her eye seemed to scream murder. "WHAT!? WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME DO YOU WANT!?"

"What's the matter with you Trixie?" I asked, wiping flecks of spit off of my snout with a brown hoof. "You're shutting down on me. We've only been in here for a few days, but you've spent all that time sulking."

In a weak attempt to comfort the mare, I gave her trembling shoulder a reassuring pat, but the gesture was met with a glare and a swat of my hoof. "Nothing's wrong! Trixie is just fine!" She hissed, before she sat her head back on the table.

"Ouch." A scratchy voice muttered. "What's her problem?"

Ah yes. Twitchy. As pleasant as she was to be around, she was far from good looking, to say the least. Her white coat was constantly drenched in sweat, her worn out horn often gave off the occasional spark, and she had a bit of a problem, when it came to twitching. And I don't even want to start talking about those bloodshot eyes. I feel bad for thinking about it, but I'm glad that she keeps her goggles on most of the time.

"It's a long story." I replied

The mare cracked a large, toothy grin and gave a quick flip of her messy, blue mane. "I've got enough time for a long story."

"Fiiiiiiiine." I groaned, before I let out a sarcastic sigh of exasperation. "Well it all started a couple of days ago when this sexy mare decided to crash my welcome party.

Four Days Ago....

The party, that was once filling SugarCube Corner with happy conversations of laughter, had died down to angry whispers between ponies and a painful amount of tension. The mares at the table all turned to find the source of the familiar voice, only to see the face that had caused so much grief in Ponyville.

"Darling, you've just made a very big mistake." Rarity stated, with more than a little hostility seeping into her icy voice.

"The only mistake Trixie made was coming back to this back water town." Trixie spat, standing her ground against the glares and the silent threats. Ignoring the growing hostility, she gestured a hoof towards the door, obviously in a hurry to leave before things got any worse. "We have to go, Greenlight. There's a train coming in and we'll be able to reserve a few seats if we get there NOW."

And everything after that? I hoped that leaving this town wouldn't be much of a hassle. Just leave the bakery, get to the train station and make it to Canterwhatever. Easy right?

Swiping a cinnamon roll and stuffing it into my mouth for safe keeping, I pushed myself off of the wooden chair and made my way to the door. Just a few more steps and I would've made it to my target, but something purple decided to impede my path. "I'm sorry Greenlight, but this isn't a simple matter of leaving. The damage to Ponyville cost most of us a fortune and she has to suffer the consequences."

"Consequences?" I didn't like where this was going. I don't think I have the stomach for an execution. I thought, as a trickle of sweat wormed its way down my forehead. "Can't we just talk about this over a cup of tea?"

My only comfort came in the form of a gentle hug from the sex crazed Fluttershy. "I'm sorry honey, but she has to pay for the damage herself, or go to jail.....If she doesn't resist, that is."

It couldn't have been that much? Right? "Well how much is it? Two hundred bits? Three hundred bits?"

Twilight ran a nervous hoof through her mane, as she mulled over the damage that was caused on that fateful night. "Well there was the upturned trees that had to be removed, the water tower, the cost for a few injuries and the removal of the ursa minor from the nearby forest. So I'd say about thirty thousand bits." Twilight replied, with a small blush forming on her cheeks.

Uh oh. Money. Money that I didn't have! Civility and reason were definitely out of the question. "Can I at least talk to her? Maybe I can get her to come quietly." The group at the table nodded, and a few party goers appreciated the simple solution.

Just be smooth. No sudden movements. With a strut that could put most pimps to shame, I made my way to the anxious Trixie and put a reassuring hoof on her scrawny shoulder.

"Trixie?"

"Yes Greenlight?"

"Run."