Friendship is Murder!

We broke apart, everyone's roles settled. I'd finish up the business I had planned for the day, which amounted pretty much to just acquiring the sugar I wanted. Pinkie was pleased as berry punch to accompany me to Sugarcube Corner and bring up a small sack. I nodded at her and she went off to bake something. Probably cupcakes. Like 80% of the time, it's cupcakes.

I headed back home. Lounged around. Finished the book.

He came back just long enough to drop off his work things. Was heading out to talk with somepony else about setting up a new side business. Wasn't really hungry for a cooked supper - never is lately - so I should just have whatever by myself. Fine by me. Typical. Time would only go by quicker that way, anyhow. So he took off, again.

Dusk started creeping in. It's one of my favorite times, normally. I mean, daytime is okay, as long as I don't have to spend too much of it being full-on blasted by sun-rays til my coat feels like its overheating. Mornings, fucking forget them. Afternoons, good for taking it easy. But Dusk, well, for me its always like waking up a second time, only it doesn't suck the way the first time did.

Crepuscular. That's the word. Fluttershy's always rambling about this and that animal trait. Twilight loves to clarify and choose the proper word for things. Must've picked that one up somewhere along the way. No, wait. Crepuscular is something active at dawn and dusk. Maybe nocturnal? But I don't stay up all night. I guess night pony is about as good a description as you get on that account.

Anyhow, I sat on the couch by the window and watched the sky blaze red and orange and all that wonderful amazingness that probably seems spectacular to somepony who doesn't get a glimpse of it just about every day the pegasi leave the sky clear. I wondered what P. Luna did to get ready for taking over each night.

Out in the street, I saw a couple ponies being inconspicuous at one of the metal benches just past a town statue. Should be Twilight and Rarity, I figured. Pinkie had express orders not to show up, or hang around, or bounce past, or throw a surprise party until the actual minute that action would start. And, in the last case, not at all, at least not for this occasion.

Darkness enveloped everything at last, and he was back. Plopped down in his chair without so much as a hello.

Time went by slowly. I had some supper. Just a light salad and some water. Didn't feel like cooking.

He goes to bed at the usual time, no good night there, either. Hours and hours before I would. I closed the window shutter - that's the signal. Trotted over to the door, pulled it slightly ajar.

Twilight and Rarity showed up a few moments later. Between them, they carried a large, slightly musty rolled-up carpet. Their hooves clapped lightly on the floorboards as they entered, but I didn't worry. His own snores don't wake him up from the ridiculous deep sleep levels he gets into. I paused at the door, and Pinkie came rushing full speed through the street, panting, before careening to a halt and tiphooving the last few feet, eyes wide and lips pursed. I rolled my eyes and stepped aside to let her in, then shut the door. Twilight and Rarity laid the carpet roll on the floor and looked to me.

"Okay," I whispered. "Let's do it. Did you guys talk to Applejack?"

"Yes, we did," murmurs Twilight. "She'll have them ready, been preparing all day."

"Not that that takes much," sniffed Rarity. "Even I wouldn't have minded having that for a farm chore."

Pinkie was slinking towards the staircase, looking back at us. "Canwegonowpleasehuh?" she tried to whisper, but managed to spoil the effect in her high-speed, high-pitched voice.

I looked at the other two, and they nodded. I took the lead, and together we went upstairs.

Lots of snoring.

I turned on the lights. Stomped the floor. He sat up, surprised, groggy. Unawares, when Pinkie's hind hoof caught him square on the side of the head. He rolled off the bed, spitting blood. "What the fuck," he cursed, but Twilight used her magick to wedge a large pink-frilled rag in his mouth. His eyes grew wide as could be. Rarity levitated a delightful, large purple ribbon towards his sprawling self and hog-tied his hooves together. He struggled, rolling back and forth from one side to another, but Pinkie leaped over the bed - bouncing on the springs and doing a flip mid-air - before landing on the other side next to him. Raising her hoof, she kicked him full on in the ribs, and he doubled up in pain, but stopped rolling around. "Woohoo!" she cried. "Pinkie! Shhh!" the three of us hissed. "Sor-ry!" she said in a sing-song, albeit quieter, voice.

"Okay. Get him up." I said. The two unicorns, working in tandem, levitated him up, and I moved underneath so they could drape him over my back. They flanked me, to keep him from rolling off. We headed to the bath. Dropped him in the tub.

His eyes had rolled back in his head. Probably hadn't gotten a grasp on what had started here. Never would, at this rate. Not my fucking problem anymore. We looked to Pinkie, who was positively hopping about in anticipation. We nodded.

Pinkie leaped in the air again, landing in the tub. I didn't want to look, so I stared at the wall off to the side. Heavy, sudden thuds sounded in the air as she struck again and again and again. I hoped it was painful.

"Blood bath, blood bath, having a great big blood bath!" Pinkie sang with glee. Blood spattered about and soaked her underbelly, which was becoming crusted with flakes of coat and mane and flesh. "Squish the head and make him dead and lick up the blood just like lollipops!"

"PINKIE!" we shrieked again as quietly as one could shriek. Rarity scolded her. "You're making a mess, Pinkie! Blood is just so tough to get out when it stains. Don't splash us!" Pinkie chuckled, but stopped singing, and was soon enough finished.

I looked at the result. Wasn't much recognizable there anymore. Okay, then.

Twilight went downstairs to get a few pails of water. I opened up the piping. Twilight came back up. Rarity huffed a bit, took a few towels and dabbed them in the water, began touching up the blood spatters that had hit the wall and floor. Twilight doused Pinkie, washing gore and pooled-up blood in the tub down into the pail I'd placed.

"You sure...were enthusiastic." I said, emotionless.

"Oh, of course I was!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "I realized - I never have any fun with that cranky old bastard, but sometimes I have fun with you, and if you're not having fun because old cranky makes you feel that way, why, giving him what-for could let me have fun with you more often. Yay!"

Rarity went downstairs, this time, and brought the carpet roll up with her. With the tide of fluids mostly stopped, we had no trouble placing the body atop it and roll the whole thing up. A few more trips for water pails, and both Pinkie and the tub were relatively clean. Didn't have to get much better than that, at least not for now. Rarity was going to redecorate in full, soon. And for no charge! "Worth it just to clear up a festering eyesore," she claimed.

No apparent traffic on the street at this hour. Didn't have any trouble getting to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack was there to meet us on the path.

"Didn't have any trouble, did ya?" she queried. We shook our heads. "Well, get it on over near the pig sty."

A few magically operated hacksaws and heaves later, and the pigs that had been starved all day took to it straight away. Burned the carpet.

Next day, we all met up at the farm for a little after-murder celebration. Limited invites, of course. We raised glasses in toast.

Maybe things would work out. Just gonna tell everyone he'd been planning a trip. Not like guards were all that studious around here. Not like he had friends to check things out.

Pinkie looked sad for a moment. "What's up?" we asked.

"I never did get my eyeball shishkebabs!"

"Oh, Pinkie!"