Friendship is Murder!

by xara

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3590

Pinkie Pie comes up with a just-crazy-enough-to-work solution to a young stallion's problems. Murderous murdery murder!

When a young stallion gets fed up and just doesn't know what to do, he gets a little advice from Pinkie Pie - What better way to fix a problem than doling out a little death?

Published 2013-01-13 08:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-13 23:32:15 UTC

Hopskotch Stabbings

It was late at night, finally, and he'd gone off to hit the hay. Being the night pony that I am, I knew I wouldn't be sleeping myself for quite some time, especially with the way I was feeling. Oh, I'd acted calm as could be, as usual, but all the emotions were really just stewing beneath the crystal surface of my mock face. It's not like I had a way to act on them, you know, not without destroying the status quo, as it were. So I just hovered around downstairs, doing this and that. Catching up on some light reading - another murder/mystery set in some hundred-year-ago Canterlot, or wherever. The protagonist had once again managed to get herself caught up in retaliatory threats during her investigations. Big fucking surprise there. Still, it was a comfort of sorts, and it kept me apparently caught up in something so I could avoid any further conversation or questioning.

I still managed to seethe. I'd think a bit about what happened, and the anger would rise up, and it was like spots of black would hover in front of me, obscuring my vision. I'd just think about it again and again. How the fuck can anyone even act that way? What did I do to deserve it? And just, you know, out of fucking nowhere like that. Like I'd personally started a crusade to fuck up the entire night. Urrrgh. I stamped one of the nearby table legs in frustration.

Not too loudly, of course. Wouldn't do to be heard. Celestia only knows the last time I swore late at night when I thought I could get away with it, I'd only ended up with an angry pony demanding to know what the ruckus was.

So I sat, trying to read a book. Not really getting anywhere. Just replaying, imagining, et cetera. Til he left.

Anger turned to despondency, just along the border of desperation. How long would I have to put up with this? Truly? I couldn't afford to leave. Not yet. I still had a year left in school, and there wasn't much work going around in Ponyville lately. I hadn't landed a gig or anything in a while. Only bits I had in my bag were from watching Opalescence for Rarity for a few weeks when she was up in Canterlot for some designer festival or fashion show or something. At least I could count on some repeat work there, since Opal seemed to tolerate, if not enjoy, my presence - more than could be said for most, including her owner.

So, I trotted up towards bed. Laid under the sheets a while. Couldn't sleep. Kicked the sheets aside. Got up for a drink. Hit the bathroom. Passed out, sometime.

Next morning, didn't feel so great. Never sleep that well anymore. Always waking up, trying to sleep again, waking up, disturbed by dreams. Well, not always disturbed. There are those few times when a few amiable mares are present...I needn't elaborate, do I?

He was gone, as usual. Always up before the dawn. Funny, that, as I think about it. Guess he'd make a great student of Celestia, and I of Luna, since he always sees the sun rise and I always see it set. Just kind of shows what opposites we've become. Or always have been. I never eat breakfast anymore. Just not hungry so soon. Cup of brew always does me well, though. Tossed a bit of magick around and set myself up with a cup. Was running low on sugar - made a note to myself to grab some more from Sugarcube Corner.

So, I didn't really have a plan for the day. Figured I'd wander around down by the park and ponds. Looked like a clear, sunny day was scheduled, although I'd misplaced the calendar the pegasi had put out. Couldn't be too bad for hanging around, I thought. I got out my sidesaddle bag and tossed the novel inside. Stepped out of the house, shut the door, took off down the street. Lots of ponies going about their business, as usual. More fucking power to them, I sulked.

I reached the park and flopped down on one of the benches. Pulled out the mystery book and levitated it above my face as I lay there. Kept the sun out of my eyes nicely. Didn't really mark the passage of time. Started feeling a bit groggy and looking towards a nap, perhaps.

"HEL-lo!" I heard, inches from my ears. Shocked into interrupting my spell, the book quickly fell, careening off my horn and plopping down on the soft turf. Right above where it had been was a pair of wide, light blue eyes and about a mile, from this perspective, of creamy pink coat.

"Pinkie!" I gasped. My legs had gone rigid and straight from being startled; I moved them back into what approximated relaxation again. "What the hay are you doing, sneaking up like that?"

"Oh, I thought it looked like fun! You should've seen...heehee... your expression. It was funny!" She drew her head back a few inches and closed her eyes while beaming a canyon-sized smile full of teeth. "Oh!" Her eyes flew wide open again. "You know what else would be fun?! How about a race?" She bounded to the ground, scraped a line in the turf with her hoof, knelt her forelegs down in front of it, turned her head towards me and growled. "Last one there is a losery loser!"

"Where?" I managed to get in.

Pinkie blinked. "Oh. Errrrm."

I sat up and tried to derail the Pinkie train. "No, you know, don't answer that. I'm not doing a race, Pinkie."

"Okie dokie lokie!" she exclaimed. "Hopskotch?" she peered around, sticking her head underneath the bench, bumping against and dislodging a few of my limbs that had the gall to be in the way. "I know I've got some chalk stashed around here somewhere. Of course, we can't draw on the dirt and grass here! Whiiiiiiich maaaaaaaakes meeeeeeee wonder why I put the chalk around here butijustknowitsgottabearound..."

"Pinkie, stop!" The shout caused her to bang her head coming back up from under the bench. I won't swear on Starswirl's Magic Primer that I saw stars and little birdies flying around a clearly visible bump on her head, but at that moment... "I don't want to hopskotch, or race, or dance, or party, or anything like that. I just came here to read and maybe take a nap. Like, alone?"

It didn't seem like an idea that pink fuzzball could compute. "You seem that way a lot, Dodge. Don't you like having fun?"

I was a little surprised again. Hitting close to home, I thought. But no. "Of course I like having fun, Pinkie, it's just... it doesn't like having me that much." Trying to sound intelligent, or something. Fucking lame. But she ate it up.

"Hmmmmm," as her eyes narrowed. Then, the long eyeblink and massive grin. "I got it!" She vanished in a puff of smoke and a pink trail.

I let out a brief sigh and magicked the book back up. Didn't get a moment's rest, though, since Pinkie showed up again pulling an exasperated Twilight Sparkle.

"Um, hey, Dodge," Twilight got out, sounding a bit breathless. I just blinked and raised a hoof in greeting.

Pinkie bounced up and down, then back and forth between her left and right legs. "I just remembered how fine and dandy Twilight is at reading so much about so many things and I thought she could come here and help me talk to you and find out how come you don't have as much fun as you really ought to be having and maybe we could figure out something to do about it!" She inhaled deeply after spitting that out in a fast breath. Twilight was the one who blinked this time.

"Well," she clicked, "Of course I don't have formal training in the psychiatric arts, Dodge, but I do hear it can help to have a...friend willing to listen?" She paused and flicked her eyes in a roll as Pinkie slapped a pair of glasses over her eyes and stood there with a brow raised.

I don't know why I bothered, that time. Normally I'd have just shrugged things off, tried to defuse an awkward situation. I mean, I liked Twilight, I mean liked liked, but this wasn't the kind of opening gambit I had planned in any sort of relationship started. But, fuck it, she was there, and Pinkie was there, and it didn't seem like they were going to accept any sort of blow-off, so I spilled it.

Talked about all sorts of stuff. Rambled, mostly. Expressed annoyance at how he could be such a hypocrite. I'd get yelled at for doing something, for not doing something, for doing or not doing something but not doing it properly, for leaving something out or not putting something away. Celestia's sake, does it fucking matter that much where a towel is left out? Or that a visitor might see that our house produces trash?! *gasp* But then, you see, he'd turn around and do the same thing himself later on. And I could never comment. Never, ever. Not without destroying everything. Not that I didn't desire to, every minute from waking to sleeping. Sometimes I wished something irrevocable would happen, just to put a fucking end to it. I could snap, I could run off, I could confront, I could reconcile. I didn't know. It didn't seem to have any solution. I'd laugh with him, joke with him, hug him, get pissed off at him, scream in silent frustration into a pillow at the thought of him, just wanting some fucking consistence that didn't include daily slammed doors and a damned inquisition about the niggling details of the stupidest crap every damn day.

I don't know what I expected. Figured that Twilight would get upset, herself. Maybe angry, stamp away in disgust. But she just looked sad. Pinkie, too.

"Dodge, I..." Twilight got out. I was sitting on the grass by now, all four legs tucked in. She placed a hoof at my shoulder, aiming for a bit of compassion. "I didn't know things were so bad for you." I was biting back tears, but not really succeeding. She paused, unsure of how to continue.

Pinkie took the reins. "Ha!" she burst out, surprising the both of us again. Twilight's hoof was just at the edge of my mane. I didn't mind. "I knew that old prissy pants had to be the reason!"

"Er, you did?" Both Twilight and I stammered, then turned to look at each other and grinned a bit sheepishly.

"You betcha I sure did! That no-fun-having dark-cloud dingbat neeeeeeever wants to have fun with me! Why, he's even worse than Cranky Doodle ever was, on account of I couldn't get him to ever be friendly and cheery, not even for a day!"

"Okay," I said. "But that doesn't..."

Pinkie continued as if I hadn't spoken. "So that's why we should rip the eyeballs from his sockets and make pony shishkebab from 'em!"

"W...what did you just say, Pinkamena Diane Pie?!" All three of us turned, as this last bit was exclaimed by none other than Rarity, recently wandered in as she had seen two of her friends chatting.

"Oh, Rarity, it's so great!" Pinkie beamed with exaggerated aplomb. "Dodge's dad is such a total stick-in-the-mud no-fun-having dingbat, we ought to kick him to the floor and stamp his head until it puffs up bigger and bigger and bigger and them BOOM headsplosion all over!" Rarity just stared as Pinkie resumed bouncing up and down, sproinging against the soft grass.

Twilight looked thoughtful. "You know, Dodge, that just might work. Not the exploding head, of course, but it would wrap up a lot of your...issues? Pretty well. I mean, you'd inherit the house..."

"That old place?" questioned Rarity. "With all the old decorations?"

"...and it would be irrevocable, of course..."

"Why...I have just the loveliest new fabrics come in that could make some perfectly marvelous new window dressings..."

Boing, boing, boing from Pinkie.

"...and if we planned things out well, hmm, I'll have to make a few lists, I'll need some supplies..."

"...and I'm certain we could let in some light..."

"...don't think I have a good carrying case for something of that size, though..."

"Twilight!" injected Rarity. "Do you mean for the body?"

"Well, yes, Rarity. Did you have something in mind?"

The lovely mare with the flowing purple locks nodded. I was still a few minutes back, catching up. Pinkie bounced happily. "I just replaced one of the carpets in my boutique and I was going to toss the old nasty thing away today. It would just certainly do."

So, we came up with a plan.

Pony Shishkebab

We broke apart, everyone's roles settled. I'd finish up the business I had planned for the day, which amounted pretty much to just acquiring the sugar I wanted. Pinkie was pleased as berry punch to accompany me to Sugarcube Corner and bring up a small sack. I nodded at her and she went off to bake something. Probably cupcakes. Like 80% of the time, it's cupcakes.

I headed back home. Lounged around. Finished the book.

He came back just long enough to drop off his work things. Was heading out to talk with somepony else about setting up a new side business. Wasn't really hungry for a cooked supper - never is lately - so I should just have whatever by myself. Fine by me. Typical. Time would only go by quicker that way, anyhow. So he took off, again.

Dusk started creeping in. It's one of my favorite times, normally. I mean, daytime is okay, as long as I don't have to spend too much of it being full-on blasted by sun-rays til my coat feels like its overheating. Mornings, fucking forget them. Afternoons, good for taking it easy. But Dusk, well, for me its always like waking up a second time, only it doesn't suck the way the first time did.

Crepuscular. That's the word. Fluttershy's always rambling about this and that animal trait. Twilight loves to clarify and choose the proper word for things. Must've picked that one up somewhere along the way. No, wait. Crepuscular is something active at dawn and dusk. Maybe nocturnal? But I don't stay up all night. I guess night pony is about as good a description as you get on that account.

Anyhow, I sat on the couch by the window and watched the sky blaze red and orange and all that wonderful amazingness that probably seems spectacular to somepony who doesn't get a glimpse of it just about every day the pegasi leave the sky clear. I wondered what P. Luna did to get ready for taking over each night.

Out in the street, I saw a couple ponies being inconspicuous at one of the metal benches just past a town statue. Should be Twilight and Rarity, I figured. Pinkie had express orders not to show up, or hang around, or bounce past, or throw a surprise party until the actual minute that action would start. And, in the last case, not at all, at least not for this occasion.

Darkness enveloped everything at last, and he was back. Plopped down in his chair without so much as a hello.

Time went by slowly. I had some supper. Just a light salad and some water. Didn't feel like cooking.

He goes to bed at the usual time, no good night there, either. Hours and hours before I would. I closed the window shutter - that's the signal. Trotted over to the door, pulled it slightly ajar.

Twilight and Rarity showed up a few moments later. Between them, they carried a large, slightly musty rolled-up carpet. Their hooves clapped lightly on the floorboards as they entered, but I didn't worry. His own snores don't wake him up from the ridiculous deep sleep levels he gets into. I paused at the door, and Pinkie came rushing full speed through the street, panting, before careening to a halt and tiphooving the last few feet, eyes wide and lips pursed. I rolled my eyes and stepped aside to let her in, then shut the door. Twilight and Rarity laid the carpet roll on the floor and looked to me.

"Okay," I whispered. "Let's do it. Did you guys talk to Applejack?"

"Yes, we did," murmurs Twilight. "She'll have them ready, been preparing all day."

"Not that that takes much," sniffed Rarity. "Even I wouldn't have minded having that for a farm chore."

Pinkie was slinking towards the staircase, looking back at us. "Canwegonowpleasehuh?" she tried to whisper, but managed to spoil the effect in her high-speed, high-pitched voice.

I looked at the other two, and they nodded. I took the lead, and together we went upstairs.

Lots of snoring.

I turned on the lights. Stomped the floor. He sat up, surprised, groggy. Unawares, when Pinkie's hind hoof caught him square on the side of the head. He rolled off the bed, spitting blood. "What the fuck," he cursed, but Twilight used her magick to wedge a large pink-frilled rag in his mouth. His eyes grew wide as could be. Rarity levitated a delightful, large purple ribbon towards his sprawling self and hog-tied his hooves together. He struggled, rolling back and forth from one side to another, but Pinkie leaped over the bed - bouncing on the springs and doing a flip mid-air - before landing on the other side next to him. Raising her hoof, she kicked him full on in the ribs, and he doubled up in pain, but stopped rolling around. "Woohoo!" she cried. "Pinkie! Shhh!" the three of us hissed. "Sor-ry!" she said in a sing-song, albeit quieter, voice.

"Okay. Get him up." I said. The two unicorns, working in tandem, levitated him up, and I moved underneath so they could drape him over my back. They flanked me, to keep him from rolling off. We headed to the bath. Dropped him in the tub.

His eyes had rolled back in his head. Probably hadn't gotten a grasp on what had started here. Never would, at this rate. Not my fucking problem anymore. We looked to Pinkie, who was positively hopping about in anticipation. We nodded.

Pinkie leaped in the air again, landing in the tub. I didn't want to look, so I stared at the wall off to the side. Heavy, sudden thuds sounded in the air as she struck again and again and again. I hoped it was painful.

"Blood bath, blood bath, having a great big blood bath!" Pinkie sang with glee. Blood spattered about and soaked her underbelly, which was becoming crusted with flakes of coat and mane and flesh. "Squish the head and make him dead and lick up the blood just like lollipops!"

"PINKIE!" we shrieked again as quietly as one could shriek. Rarity scolded her. "You're making a mess, Pinkie! Blood is just so tough to get out when it stains. Don't splash us!" Pinkie chuckled, but stopped singing, and was soon enough finished.

I looked at the result. Wasn't much recognizable there anymore. Okay, then.

Twilight went downstairs to get a few pails of water. I opened up the piping. Twilight came back up. Rarity huffed a bit, took a few towels and dabbed them in the water, began touching up the blood spatters that had hit the wall and floor. Twilight doused Pinkie, washing gore and pooled-up blood in the tub down into the pail I'd placed.

"You sure...were enthusiastic." I said, emotionless.

"Oh, of course I was!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "I realized - I never have any fun with that cranky old bastard, but sometimes I have fun with you, and if you're not having fun because old cranky makes you feel that way, why, giving him what-for could let me have fun with you more often. Yay!"

Rarity went downstairs, this time, and brought the carpet roll up with her. With the tide of fluids mostly stopped, we had no trouble placing the body atop it and roll the whole thing up. A few more trips for water pails, and both Pinkie and the tub were relatively clean. Didn't have to get much better than that, at least not for now. Rarity was going to redecorate in full, soon. And for no charge! "Worth it just to clear up a festering eyesore," she claimed.

No apparent traffic on the street at this hour. Didn't have any trouble getting to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack was there to meet us on the path.

"Didn't have any trouble, did ya?" she queried. We shook our heads. "Well, get it on over near the pig sty."

A few magically operated hacksaws and heaves later, and the pigs that had been starved all day took to it straight away. Burned the carpet.

Next day, we all met up at the farm for a little after-murder celebration. Limited invites, of course. We raised glasses in toast.

Maybe things would work out. Just gonna tell everyone he'd been planning a trip. Not like guards were all that studious around here. Not like he had friends to check things out.

Pinkie looked sad for a moment. "What's up?" we asked.

"I never did get my eyeball shishkebabs!"

"Oh, Pinkie!"