Freaks In Ponyville

by TheExhaustedBrony

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3734

Some strange creatures from a far away land have arrived in Equestria, what do they want?

This is a collecton of stories that depict what would happen if the freaks of tf2 landed in Equestria. They are non-linear and each "chapter" is a separate story.

Published 2013-01-20 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-30 18:19:54 UTC

It's just like christmas morning

It was ten 'o clock. Everypony was off the streets and inside their homes. Every pony except pinkie pie. The pink party pony was filled with so much energy, she couldn't sleep. Once again, she bounced down the street in search for something fun to do. As she continued down the street, she could see a shadowy figure in the distance. She could tell that it was definitely not a pony. It was standing on two legs. Pinkie considered the possibility that it was a dragon and decided to get closer to find out. As Pinkie got closer, she confirmed that it was not a dragon. It didn't have spikes or scales. In fact, it's entire body was covered with cloth. It was a tall figure wearing a black and red outfit with a hat. He looked like some sort of adventurer. A guy who likes being outside.

"H-hello? Who are you?" Pinkie called out.

The figure quickly turned around and saw the pony and chuckled as he lunged towards her. Before she could react, the creature was right in front of her with a very large knife.

"Ready to meet sharpy? Eahahaha!" the creature laughed.

Seeing the knife didn't really phase Pinkie, in fact, she was more interested in the fact that it was named 'sharpy'.

"Oh, new friends? I've got some friends back at sugar cube corner that sharpy would love to meet.

The creature raised an eyebrow. It seemed interested in what other things the pony claimed to have. Could this possibly a challenge?

"Alright, let's go, mate." The creature said.

As they walked back to the bakery, Pinkie took another look at the thing that just tried to kill her. After giving it a couple looks, she wondered if this thing was one of those humans that Lyra always talks about.

They soon arrived at sugarcube corner and walked in. Pinkie lead the bipedal creature into the kitchen and searched the drawers for knives and other sharp objects and placed them on the counter.

"This is Mr. Pokey," Pinkie held up a fork, "this is McCutty," Pinkie held a meat cleaver, "and this is Colonel Slicer," Pinkie picked up a standard kitchen knife. "Now that I've introduced my friends, why don't you tell me your name?"

"I am Christian."

"Hello Christian, my name is Pinkamena Diane Pie, but my friends call me Pinkie Pie."

Christian picked up the meat cleaver off the table and chuckled.

"Now this is a knife," he swung it around and weighed it in his hand, "yea, this... is a nice weapon." Christian grinned.

"Since our friends are now acquainted, why don't we pay some pony a visit?"

"Okay, mate." Christian nodded.

"Let's go see Twilight." Pinkie smiled. She was very excited to introduce her to a new friend.

Pinkie grabbed a few knives off the table and put them in a saddlebag and threw it on her back. She looked at Christian, who didn't appear to have anything.

The two left the bakery with the same thing in mind. That was to have a killer time with friends. They approached Twilight's tree house and Pinkie Pie peered through the window to see Twilight reading a book, as usual.

"Alright, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to knock on the door so we can get inside, got it?" She looked over to see that Christian had disappeared. She could have sworn that he was right next to her the whole time. She looked back to the window to see Christian standing right behind Twilight with large grin.

"What's up!?" Christian shouted, startling Twilight.

"Gah! Who are you and how did you get in here?" Twilight jumped.

Christian placed a small round radio on the ground and then jammed his fingers into Twilight's eyes and twisted. She immediately fell to the ground screaming in pain. Christian quickly tied her mouth shut so she wouldn't scream. He quickly picked Twilight by her mane and examined the strange, now blind, creature. Christian pulled a bonesaw seemingly out of nowhere and smiled as he muttered,

"It's only gonna get worse, mate." Christian said as he kicked the radio with his heel causing a song to play. He then swung the saw into Twilight's horn and began to cut it off.

Twilight's scream was muffled and she tried to regain her focus to cast a spell, despite the pain. However, it was too late and the saw made it all the way through the horn.

Twilight let out another muffled scream. Christian dropped her on the floor And watched her writhe in an unimaginable amount of pain. Blood poured down her face from where the horn used to be. Christian did a sloppy cut and cut a little too deep and took some skin off her head along with the horn.

Christian examined the horn and noticed how sharp it was and got a gruesome idea. He lowered himself down to Twilight and held the horn so that the sharp end was just hovering over Twilight's side. He plunged the horn into her body three times.

"Stab stab stab." he said, unmoved by the fountains of blood that splashed up against his face. By this point, twilight had gone into shock and was unconscious. Pinkie couldn't believe what she was seeing. This man is a killing machine.

"This isn't what I had in mind." she said to herself, realizing that Christian is just plain brutal.

Christian stood up and examined his handiwork and scratched his chin.

"Let's see how much blood's in ya." Christian said after a brief moment of thinking.

Christian once again pulled a weapon from seemingly nowhere. This time it was a brown machete. It was visciously curved and had a few jagged edges on it. He smiled at the knife and began hacking at the pony. He hacked at the body for roughly twelve seconds before putting the knife down and proceeded to dig inside Twilight with his hands. He pulled out her intestines and said,

"A lil' of the ol' chop chop."

Christian brought his attention to Twilight's cutie mark. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a butterfly knife and flipped it open with a few elegant twirls and began to cut the mark off of Twilight's flank, taking flesh off as well. All that was left was a blood filled hole in place of a Cutie mark.

"'Ain't she a beut?" Christian smiled as he held up the chunk of flesh with the star shaped cutie mark.

He stood up and walked to the door. Pinkie Pie could only stare at the bloody mess of what used to be Twilight Sparkle and didn't notice Christian approach her.

"And that's how it's done." Christian said proudly.

The only think pinkie was able to say was, "You'll never get away with this."

Christian knelt down to the trembling pony and put his bloodied hand on her mane and calmly said with a smile, "Here's a touchin' story. Once upon a time you died and I lived happily ever after."

Pinkie was trembling in fear and the only thing that was going through Pinkie's head was to get as far away from him as possible and began running.

"You're insane!" she yelled back as she ran. She ran until she was out of breath when she noticed se was on the very edge of town. Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief, thinking se was safe. However, her fears were reignited when she heard,

"Heads up!"

She looked up just in time to see an axe hurling towards her. She quickly leaped out of the way but the axe still managed to clip her arm. She immediately reached for the wound and screamed in pain.

"Aaaagh! I thought you were my friend!" Pinkie Pie screamed, tears running down her face.

"Aw, I'm sorry, mate."

"Your idea of fun is just killing? You're sick!"

"Yea, that seems about right." Christian said cheerfully.

Pinkie knew that there was no escaping him. If she wanted to survive, Christian had to die. With this realization, she quickly picked up the axe and swung it at Christian, only just barely grazing his face.

He wiped the blood and frowned,

"This is about as good as you're gonna do." Christian muttered.

"Let's dance!" Pinkie yelled.

The two continued fighting. The loud clanging of blades echoed in the night air. The two exchanged blows for several minutes until Pinkie Pie stumbled and left herself open to an attack. Christian took full advantage of this opening and plunged his knife into the pink pony's chest. She dropped to the ground and began coughing up blood and other fluids that began to fill her lungs. This was it, Pinkie Pie knew her fate was sealed. She looked up to see Christian standing above her with a sledgehammer. He raised it high above his head and said,

"Everything above your neck is gonna be a fine red mist!" he swung the hammer down, smashing Pinkie's skull, killing her instantly. All that was left was a bloody pulp that resembled a ponies' head. He looked up from the corpse to see another pony staring right at him with pure horror.

"Y-y-you monster!" the pony yelled.

"It's just like Christmas mornin'."

Author's Note

I really just wanted to release what I've got. I'm sure there are things that need to be fixed in this, but I'll do that over time. Feel free to leave your thoughts and other things in the comments section. Just don't be mean/overly harsh with your criticism.

Two Refined

Rarity, a unicorn with a taste for fashion. She has a keen eye for design and spends most of her time in her room making designs or sewing dresses together. Although to look fabulous, one must have the funds to purchase it.

"Oh good heavens!" Rarity gasped, "I'm all out of diamond dust silk cloth! Oh, I didn't think I'd ever go through this so quickly! Why does this have to be so expensive? I have to have this dress ready by tomorrow night!" Rarity began to panic for tonight was The opening night of, Soldiers of the Farlands: An Equestrian Love Tragedy, and rarity was in charge of costume design. Normally, forty minutes would be more than enough time to craft a hat of any style, but this was different. The show is set to be performed in Canterlot. Many ponies of high esteem would certainly be attending. Impressions were everything.

"This design is simply horrid! I cannot use this... thing, for such a grand occasion." Rarity lifted up at the unfinished prototype of the hat she was currently working on. Anypony would agree that this was, by far, the worst thing she's ever made. The colors were clashing, the hat was bulky, and the materials were too dull for Canterlot ponies to appreciate,

Rarity looked at the clock on the wall, "But there's simply not enough time to start on a new design. There's no way I can show my face tonight when everyone will know that I have failed. Maybe I'll just go into hiding instead of being the laughing stock of Canterlot! But first, I have to destroy this abomination which I created! The world will thank me for that much at least." As Rarity was about to tear the hat to shreds with her magic, she was distracted by a loud scream followed by a crash at the door. It was as if somepony charged head long into it at full speed.

"What in Equestria could that have been?!" Rarity jumped, nearly having a heart attack. She slowly approached the boutique door. Her mind was racing. Could it be the infamous fashion police? Were they going to beat her with their fabulous batons for her crimes against fashion? Rarity cautiously opened the door only to be shocked by the presence of, not an officer of the law, but instead a creature that stood with a very bulky getup. It looked very uncomfortable, yet somehow safe. The creature wore a tricorne with a small gold treasure chest on top and a pair of white shutter shades. It also had a frying pan clenched in its claws and a shield attached to its arm.

"H-hello?" Rarity greeted, carefully scanning the creature in front of her.

"I hope I didn't scare ya with my face-to-face, pan face!"

"What an interesting taste in style you have." Rarity said uncomfortably.

"Aye, thanks!" The creature replied.

"What's your name?"

"I'm Demopan?"

"I see..." Rarity was confused. What is this strange thing standing at her door? Where did it come from? What did it want?

Demopan presented to Rarity, a tall, bright red hat with a short brim and said, "stout shako! For two refined!"

Rarity's eyes immediately locked on to the hat, "Oh my..." Rarity knew that this was exactly what she needed. It would represent the height of military fashion. She had to have it, no matter the cost.

"Oi! I can't hold 'em off fer long here!" Demopan tapped his foot impatiently.

"What would you like for that marvelous hat?" Rarity asked.

"Two refined." Demopan repeated.

"Wait right there, I'll be back shortly." Rarity rushed into her room. She had no idea what a refined was, but she knew that she needed something to pay Demopan with. She began throwing things everywhere in a desperate search to find something, anything, of potential value. She eventually found two diamonds that she had been saving for another project, but if it meant saving herself from humility tonight, it'd be worth losing them. She grabbed the gems and ran back down the stairs, Demopan was still standing at the doorway.

Rarity presented the diamonds to Demopan. He gave them a quick glance and smirked, "Hah! No."

Rarity panicked and pulled a bar of gold from a nearby shelf with her magic.

"No! Yer makin' me very cross!" Demopan yelled. Time was running out, Rarity needed that hat, now!

Rarity snatched the hat out of Demopan's cast iron grip and shouted,

"Mine!" She said, slamming the door on his face.

Demopan stood at the doorway clenching his teeth.

"Ya bleedin' idiot!" Demopan shouted as he charged into the door, knocking it off its hinges, "oh I don't think ye saw that one comin'!" Demopan began scanning the room but couldn't see any sign of the unicorn through the dust cloud he kicked up from knocking down the door. "It's on! It's on like-" Demopan was interrupted by the broken door. It sent Demopan flying into several mannequins.

"I am terribly sorry, but I need this hat more than anything and I do not have the time for your silly little business." Rarity huffed, the mess in her shop was the least of her concerns.

"Oh that's smarts." Demopan grunted as he heaved the heavy door off of him.

Rarity began casting bolts of her light blue magic towards the crazed hat seller. Demopan lifted his pan high above his head and with great swiftness, deflected the magic back at Rarity.

"What!?" Before she could process what had just happened, Rarity felt herself tumbling through the air. She hit the ground with a sickening thud. The spell that she casted was very powerful, rarity found herself unable to stand and one of eyes was swollen shut. However, using her good eye, she looked up to see Demopan standing above her with a wicked grin.

"Oh, I'm going to beat ya so hard, you'll have a twitch!" Demopan brought his pan down on Rarity's skull, hard. Bang! Bang! The sound of cast iron breaking bones was nauseating. It only took a few swings before the white unicorn's movements turned from a struggle, to uncontrollable spasms. Demopan picked up the stout shako and looked at the lifeless pony,

"An' that's whatcha get fer touchin' that!"

Author's Note

I feel like I've lost my edge. I don't know how this will look to you guys. Frankly, I'm just happy to be able to update SOMETHING. I've had this thing written in a journal for about four months, but finally decided to type it up today. Talk about being lazy... Oh well.

I'm gonna bonk you

The sun was shinging, the air was cool, and the clouds were pure white. This was the perfect time for Rainbow dash to practice some new tricks.

"Okay, now lets see..." Rainbow Dash looked down from her cloud perch, "If I can go fast enough and spiral my way through the clouds, I should be able to keep the cloud in my slipstream and create a cloud trail." Rainbow Dash had always wanted to write in the sky with clouds, but she'd never have the right weather conditions to pull it off successfully.

"Alright," Rainbow Dash gulped nervously, "here I go!" Rainbow dash dove off the cloud and began flapping her wings. Rainbow Dash's eyes began to water from the intense velocity. She had to wait for the right moment to begin spinning. If she started too early, she'd get dizzy and miss the target and if she spun too late, she'd pass through the cloud and nothing would happen.

The world around the cyan pegasus seemed to have slowed down and she could see the target cloud drawing closer. For the sake of her pride, she absolutely had to hit her mark.

"Now!" Rainbow dash shouted and began to rotate. She went straight through the cloud and turned back into the sky. When she finally stopped and looked back, a white trail of clouds could be seen trailing behind her.

"Awww yea!" Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof and puffed out her chest. She did it! She finally perfected her new stunt.

"Boy am I thirsty." Rainnbow Dash pated, the stunt she just pulled was more exhausting than she thought it'd be. She looked down to see a large red box below her. Curious, Rainbow Dash flew down to the earth to investigate. She didn't remember seeing it when she was practicing, but that's probably because she was focusing on practicing to notice anything else.

As she approached the ground, she realized that the red box was a vending machine. This was perfect! It was suspiciously convienient, but a soda was just what she needed to quench her thirst.

"Sweet, lets see what there is to drink," Rainbow Dash looked at the buttons on the side panel, "huh? There's only one flavor." Rainbow dash was slightly disappointed that her favorite flavor, Bubble Fizz Cider, wasn't there. the label on the button read, 'Bonk! Atomic Punch!,' since there was no other option, the parched pony sighed and decided that it's better than nothing. She put five bits into the machine and pressed the button. The machine rumbled and dispensed a yellow can with bright red writing.

"Cherry flavor, huh?" Rainbow dash was too thirsty to care about the lack of variety. The can was cold and it felt good just holding it in her hooves. When she pulled back the tab, the can began shaking violently.

"What in the hay?!" Rainbow Dash dropped thr can and backed away from it. She had no idea what to expect. After another five seconds of shaking, the can stopped and somehow managed to flip itself so it was standing right-side up. Then out of the opening, a head popped out.

"Whoop!"

"Whaaah!" Rainbow Dash let out a startled scream, "Wh-what the...?"

The creature hopped out of the can, revealing its small frame body. It then flopped onto the ground and began sliding around the vending machine,

"Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooop!" The creature jumped up right in Rainbow Dash's face.

"What are you?"

"I am Ass Pancakes! I am gonna bonk you!"

"That's what you think! Give me my five bits back." Rainbow Dash scoffed.

Ass Pancakes just stared at the cyan pony and, out of seemingly nowhere, presented a giant rainbow hammer,

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ass Pancakes screamed. He brought the hammer high above his head and swung down.

"Woah!" Rainbow Dash quickly evaded the attack, but she had something to worry about now that something's trying to killer her.

"Aww jeez," Ass Pancakes jeered, "say goodbye to your kneecaps chucklehead!"

"Bring it on! I can take you on with one hoof tied behind my back!" Rainbow Dash taunted as she took off at lightning speed towards Ass Pancakes, delivering a punch in the stomach with her front hooves, sending him flying into the vending machine, knocking it over on top of him.

"Ha! Not so tough, are you?"

"You suck! I am gonna bonk you!" Ass Pancakes threw the vending machine off of him and jumped into the air before crashing down with his hammer ready to smash the rainbow pony.

Rainbow Dash managed to dodge the attack, but still found herself hurtling through the air with a dull pain in her side. Wondering what had just happened, she regained her balance and looked back to see Ass Pancakes running straight towards her.

"You may be fast, but I'm faster than anything!"

"Do you have any idea who you're talking to? No other class is gonna do that!"

Rainbow Dash flew high into the sky in an attempt to put some distance between her and the freak that wanted her dead. However, Ass Pancakes was much more agile than she, or anyone for that matter, could have expected and hoped that the clouds could provide some sort of home-field advantage. She looked down to see that she that Ass Pancakes had disappeared.

"Whew..." Rainbow Dash heaved a sigh of relief feeling secure now that the monster was gone.

"Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!"

Rainbow Dash's victory was cut short by a sight that she couldn't believe she was seeing. Ass Pancakes was jumping from cloud to cloud and made it to the pony in less than a second.

"Pop quiz: How long's it take to beat a moron to death? BZZZZZZZZT!" Ass Pancakes swung his hammer down on the pony's skull, "Time's up, you're dead."

With that first swing, Rainbow Dash was gone.

Author's Note

Enjoy this crappy/non-proofread piece of work that I wrote up last summer but never transferred it from paper to the screen. I don't really care about this /story/ too much...