Rise and Shine

by ZettaGolden

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Original Character, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure
Length: 20658

Human is mysteriously transported to a new world. This is the tale of his investigation into how and why he was sent to this land.

Eighteen year old James West doesn't really live a normal life on Earth; he and his father scrape by, attempting to make ends meet while they ignore the gaping hole in their lives. When James too is ripped from his fathers life due to a cruel twist of fate, however, the young man must create alliances with Equestria's best (and worst) if he wants to come back home.
As he spends more time in this, new, strange world, however, James has to make an important decision; can he sacrifice his new friends in order to return to his father? Or will he remained bound to Equestria forever in order to protect those who would take him in?

This is the tale of a human who can't seem to decide who's worthy of being saved, and who should live a life of misery.

Also he tells really bad jokes.

Cover art done by the Great and Generous Sonson21! Go check him out!

Published 2013-01-14 02:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-23 15:55:53 UTC

The cute, the bad, and the painful

The deep, rich smell of fertile earth assaulted my nostrils as soon as I woke up. My body ached and protested to my mind regaining consciousness, and my throat was dry enough to prevent me from even groaning about these unpleasant sensations. Only one thing was for certain.

I was not in my bed.

Gingerly, I forced my eyelids open, wincing at the light that shot into my cornea's like a razor blade. If I didn't know any better, I would say I was hungover. Had I even been drinking last night? I couldn't remember. And for now, it didn't really even matter. I needed to find out where I was.

As my eyes adjusted to the harsh light, I cast a look around me. Huge oak trees grew all around, and the sounds of leaves rustling in the wind and birds chirping in the distance reached my ears. Was I in a forest? It looked that way. I had woken up in what seemed to be a small forest clearing, about the size of a basketball court.

"Hmmm..." I mumbled, decidedly confused. Or, at least I tried to mumble that, but was once again reminded that my throat was roughly the same texture as sandpaper.

I pushed myself into a kneeling position, wincing again as my muscles exacted their vengeance for being used. After resting for a second and taking another look around, I rose to my feet.

First things first, I needed to find some water. Or civilization. Ya, that sounded even better. I'd get back to town, then call up my friends and ask what the hell happened last night. Wait a second... Call. I frantically slapped the pockets of my jeans, trying to find the telltale bulge of a cellphone.

Nothing.

No wallet, no ipod, no cellphone.

Not a good start to the day.

Grimacing, I looked into the behemoth oak trees, trying to discern a path from the unwelcoming brush of the forest. At the base of one of the oaks, there was a small, dirt path. That seemed to be a good a start as any, so I approached the path, keeping my eyes trained on the dirt for any signs of shoe prints. Maybe I had stumbled in here myself, and was hungover after all.

I scanned back and forth, combing the dirt for anything. There! I knelt down and squinted at the faint trace of something. It looked like a horseshoe print. Odd. Maybe this was a riding trail? Shaking my head, I stood up again. I would find out when I got to town.

"...sterious lights had to of come from somewhere in the Everfree Forest,"

Voices. Female ones, by the sound of it. Someone was coming, thank god. It was time to get out of this forest and find out what was going on.

"Ah'm sure there was, Twilight, but Ah don't understand why we have to come pokin' around in here. These woods are dangerous, and the more time we spend in here the more likely it is that somepony's gonna get hurt", a southern voice drawled, somewhat louder than the first voice. They were getting closer. Wait a second... Did she say "somepony"? And something about a dangerous forest?

I took a few more steps back into the clearing, the gears in my head turning. I might have heard that wrong, and it was no reason to get all suspicious, but then again, I might have heard it exactly right. Maybe that's the way southern people refer to their horses?

"Aw, what's the matter, AJ? Scared?"

"Come on now, Rainbow Dash, now ain't the time for this."

Rainbow Dash? What the hell kinda name was that? I could now visibly make out rustling in the forest up ahead. The voices were very close. I tried to swallow, to no avail.

"Well I, for one, quite agree with Applejack," an upper-class British voice asserted. The rustling was close now, the voices loud. "We should vacate these dreadful woods now before we come across any- MONSTER!!!"

My mouth hung open as I took in what was in front of me, not quite believing what I was seeing. Six ponies wearing saddlebags had just emerged from the path into the clearing giving me my first clear look at what had been talking. They were all somewhat anthropomorphized, with large, expressive eyes and somewhat smaller muzzles, but ponies nonetheless.

Two of them, one a white unicorn and the other a yellow pegasus, shrieked and leapt backwards a few feet, and lay cowering behind their friends.

The four ponies who weren't completely mortified at the sight of me stood with similar expressions to my own, except a pink one, which just bounced up and down in place, smiling at me, and then whipping her head back and forth, looking first at her friends, then me, seemingly content to just wait and see how things played out. There was a silence for almost thirty whole seconds, aside from the pleading sobs of the cowering unicorn and pegasus, trying to urge their friends to run away.

A cyan, rainbow mane'd pegasus broke the silence. Probably safe to assume this was the Rainbow Dash.

"What the hell is that thing, Twilight?!" She said in a tone that straddled the line between curiosity and disgust.

"I... Don't know," Twilight replied looking at me with curiosity. Six talking ponies come out of the woods, four of them creatures straight out of mythology and I'm the freak? Right.

"Can it talk?" The orange pony asked apprehensively, eyeing my clothes.

"I... Don't know," Twilight simply repeated. She looks into my eyes and cleared her throat. "Uhm... Right... CAN-YOU-UNDERSTAND-ME?" She says loudly and slowly, as if she's speaking to an immigrant.

I try to say, "Yes, I can,", but what comes out is a wheezing gasp. I swallow, and begin walking towards them, raising my arms in what I hoped to be a friendly, non-threatening gesture, considering I was almost twice as tall as them.

"WOAAH! Here it comes!" Rainbow Dash cried out, blasting towards me at a blinding speed, slamming her two front hooves in my chest and knocking me hard onto my back, winding me.

Ow.

"Rainbow! Take it easy!" Twilight called out, too late.

Rainbow Dash straddled my stomach with her hind legs, pinning me to the forest floor, and raised a hoof to strike again. She brought her pony fists of fury down on my face three times before I finally decided I had had enough.

I had read somewhere that humans were actually stronger than horses, proportional to our size. If humans were as large as them, then we would actually be stronger. I figured that this fact could come in handy here.

Rainbow Dash raised her hoof again. but I brought up my hand and caught it on it's way down to my face. She gulped audibly before I shoved her off using the last of my already flagging strength and struggled onto my knees. A small canteen had fallen out of the pegasus's saddle back. I snatched it up and downed the entire contents in four long droughts.

"Hey! That was-" She begins, but I cut her off.

"Look!" I yell, now that talking doesn't cause my throat to feel like it's the sahara desert, "I'm not a monster! I'm just some guy, lost in the forest!" At this, the mouths of all of the ponies drop, rendering them silent, leaving the clearing almost completely silent, save for the chirping of the birds. Even the white one and the yellow one stop their screaming and shouting.

"You... Wait... What!? You... What are you?!" The white unicorn asks, completely shocked.

"Uhm..." I began in a confused tone. "I'm a human. What are you?"

"Your new bestest friends!" The pink one practically screams bouncing over to me. "Sorry Rainbow Dash was such a meanie, but she thought you were a big scary monster when you started growling at us and with your arms all stretched out like... Well... A monster!"

I squinted at her, not trusting her cheerful ways. Her expression seemed completely innocent, but after getting sucker punched by Dash, I decided not to drop my guard so easily.

"I'm Pinkie Pie," she continues, oblivious to my very suspicious looks. "That's Rainbow Dash, though you already met her, that's Twilight Sparkle, that's Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy! What's your name?" Pinkies fast, cheerful talking had disarmed me, and I was struggling to remember all of this at once.

"Uhm... James. James West." I say, head still swimming with all these new names.

"WOW!!! That's an interesting name! Is it foreign!?"

I suddenly remember that I'm in the middle of a strange, apparently dangerous forest talking to ponies. "That depends," I begin, trying to pick my words carefully in order to be absolutely sure I get the information I want. "Where is this?" I do a mental facepalm. So much for choosing my words carefully.

"We're in the Everfree Forest," Twilight Sparkle says. "It's near the town where we live, Ponyville. On a grander scale, you're in the kingdom of Equestria." Twilight is looking at me analytically, taking in my fleece sweater, dirty jeans, and brown hair.

I look back at Pinkie.

"Yup. Definitely foreign." I'm a little surprised that I've accepted the fact that I'm talking to ponies, but hey, after you get into a fistfight with something, they tend to seem pretty real. "So... Are there more of you?"

"More ponies?! Well DUH! There's Lyra and Bon-Bon and Ditzy and Mr. Cake and Mrs. Cake and Aloe and Vera and..." Pinkie continues on, and I decide that the other five are more likely to give me the answers I'm looking for.

Applejack looks at Pinkie in wonder for a few seconds and then turns to look me in the eyes. "Ya, our whole world is home to Ponies. Well, Dragons and Griphons and the like to, ah guess, but Ponies seem to be dominant. At leas', they are in Equestria."

"Wha... Dragons!?" I ask, flabbergasted, eyes going wide. I'm not really sure why I'm surprised at this point, but I've played Skyrim. I know what they can (theoretically) do.

"Ya. Twilight lives with one. Goes by the name o' Spike."

"Spike the dragon... Of course."

There's silence for a few seconds as I process this. I'm no longer in Canada, and I very much doubt I'm even on Earth. So that means I'm on another planet. The question is...

"How did you get here?" Rarity asks, apparently having gotten of her initial fear of me. Not that I can blame her. From the sounds of things, humans aren't exactly common in Equestria.

"I... Have no idea. The last thing I remember was that I was walking to a friends house. After that, I woke up in this forest, dehydrated and aching."

Twilight nods and turns to Fluttershy, who still seems to be in a catatonic state.

"Hey Fluttershy, your cottage is closest. Can we get uhm..." She thinks for a moment "James! Can we get James cleaned up there? We can bring him to town afterwards, and try and sort this out a little more."

"Oh... Uhm... Yes, of course." The quaking yellow Pegasus hides behind her pink mane, giving me a look of terror. I grin at her, trying to show that I am, in fact, not going to rip out her throat. She seems to soften at that, and returns a nervous smile before getting up and nodding weakly to Twilight. "If you'd like, we can go over now... I mean, if that's okay with you..."

Twilight looks at me again with a quizzical look on her face.

"I'm ready to go if you all are," I say, trying to seem more relaxed than I really was. After all, they could be bringing me to some shack straight out of the Blair Witch Project. But on the other hand, they're my best hope for survival, especially if what they're saying is true.

Rainbow Dash and Rarity continue to look at me somewhat suspiciously, but I'm determined to earn their trust. Well, not so much Rainbow Dash. But Rarity seems nice enough. Applejack walks up to me boldly and flashes me one of the most genuine smiles I've ever seen.

"Hello! Ah'm Applejack. Ah now we've been introduced, but ah figured that I may as well make it official! Welcome to Equestria!"

"Thank you, Applejack. If I'm being honest, this whole thing still seams so... Surreal. Ponies where I come from don't tend to talk much."

Almost everyone begins to walk back over to the path, peppering me with questions about where I come from. I don't really mind answering them; they're probably as weirded out by my existence as I am of theirs.

"... and Colgate. Did I mention Lyra?" Pinkie finishes her extensive list, suddenly realizing that everypony was leaving. "Hey! Wait for me!" The chipper pony chirps cheerily.

Author's Note

This is my first fic of all time, so please try and keep that in mind as you all absorb its suckiness. That said, criticism is appreciated, as this is something that I actually want to get good. The adventure will come in later chapters, as James begins investigating why he's in Equestria.

It's rude to stare.

The damp, yellow towel was cool against the horseshoe shaped bruises on my cheeks, offering a sharp relief to the heat outside. While in Canada it was mid-autumn, in Equestria it was the beginning of what was apparently going to be a very hot summer. The ponies were outside, apparently discussing what they should do with me. Where I was going to stay, whether they should just bring me straight to Canterlot (whatever that was), how I was to be sent back home, etc.

I sighed as I listened to the gentle murmur of voices coming from outside the door, and tried to put together what I knew so far. From talking to Twilight Sparkle, it seemed that the world in which I found myself in was blessed magically. Despite my initial reluctance to accept that, Twilight had quickly made sticks shoot off of the ground and reassemble themselves in a tree, creating a small birdhouse.

I frowned, squeezing the cool towel against my face and wincing a bit as I considered this bit of information. Earth didn't have magic. Or, if it did, it was lost many years ago, or it was hidden, or something. Equestria did have magic. I was willing to bet that there wasn’t anything on Earth that could send me to another world. Therefore, it stood to reason that my transportation here was magical. Was there something, or someone that summoned me here? I sighed, recalling what I had heard when the six friends approached the clearing in which they had found me in. Did Twilight say something about mysterious lights? Was it magic? I made a mental note to ask her about it as soon as possible.

I got up and walked to Fluttershy's sink, deeply surprised that they had such a modern amenity. Now that I thought about it, this world had a strange amount in common with Earth. Pinkie had mentioned cupcakes earlier, and her butt tattoo had some balloons on it. Looking around, I suddenly realized how strange this whole thing was. It felt like I was still on Earth. An Earth with talking Ponies. And Dragons. And Griphons.

I threw the towel away, and poured myself a cup of water. Thankfully, while everything else in this world seemed to be smaller, glasses, doorknobs, and the like were Earth sized. I’m guessing because the bigger the object, the easier it would be to hold with hooves.

Downing my drink, I rotated both of my shoulders, trying to get a feel for where I was at physically. My muscles were still very sore, but the four hour nap I was allowed to take at the cottage combined with the food and drink I was provided was quickly putting me in good spirits. I smiled to myself, and put wooden cup into the sink.

I glanced at my horrifically dirty fleece sweater on the floor, and decided against donning it. It was way too hot, and the way my luck was, it would probably catch fire or something. Chuckling to myself, and wondering vaguely why none of this bothered me as much as I figured it should have, I looked out of the window above the kitchen sink. The Everfree forest bordered the edge of Fluttershy’s yard, and a few stray bunnies hopped to and fro inside the fence. After watching them for a bit, I decided to head outside and see what my new comrades had decided.

As I turned, however, something out the window caught my eye. I squinted into the tree line surrounding the cottage, trying to focus on the ominous figure hiding amongst the trees. Another pony? Maybe. Whatever it was, it looked like it was wearing some kind of hooded cloak. And, while it was mostly covered by the deep shadows of the trees, I could swear it was looking back at me through the window.

I swallowed, and continued staring at it, squinting. Was it spying on the animal sanctuary? Maybe, but unlikely. I couldn’t imagine a scenario in which watching Fluttershy feed her animals would give someone a tactical edge. Unless they were like… bunny racist or something. So was it here to spy on me? The more I considered this, the more suspicious I became. Whether it was spying on me, or on Fluttershy, there were questions to be answered.

Suddenly, the figure seemed to shrink, as if whoever or whatever it was had decided it had seen enough, and it would retreat for now. That wasn't going to fly with me. If there was even a chance that it knew why I was here, I had to take it and find out what information it held.

I started towards the door, quickly pulling on my hiking boots. I stole a glance back out the window. The figure was quickly disappearing into the trees. Time to pick up the pace. I burst out of the door to the cottage, nearly smashing the door off of its hinges and slamming my head into the low door frame.

“James! What’re you-“ Rainbow Dash began, as all the ponies quickly turned to see what had crashed through the door with all of the grace of a runaway carriage

“Back in second!” I called, already sprinting towards the forest. I vaulted over the brush, and found myself immediately surrounded by trees. Thankfully, they were tall enough that I had a fairly clear view of my adversary. Fairly clear by forest standards, anyways. There, in the distance!

“FREEZE!” I called out, doing my best to sound intimidating. The creature turned its hooded head to look back at me, and then broke into a run, attempting escape, cloak flapping up around him, and revealing four hooves. So it was a pony after all. Only afterwards I reasoned that it might be better to not scare creatures I was trying to talk to, as my alien appearance would probably already make them uncomfortable. Oh well.

I started after it, trying not to overexert myself too quickly and end up losing him. I grit my teeth as my already sore muscles screamed at me for being exerted again today, and I realized that I wouldn't be able to keep this up. I needed to find a way to end this, and now.

Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice beside me.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash called, flying next to me with relative ease. “Where are you headed in such a rush?”

I glanced over at her, dodging the tree trunks as she kept pace with me. She was nimble. She was fast. That was good.

“Hey, you looking to apologize for smacking me around earlier?” I called back, panting heavily.

“No. But I’m listening.”

“That pony up there! Can you catch him?”

“Sure, I can catch him. The question is, why should I?”

I suck in more air greedily. I kept myself in good shape, but today was really not a good day to be going for a run. “I’ll explain… later…. Just get him! Please!” I say through sharp intakes of breath, my leg muscles threatening to give out beneath me.

She stares at me for a second, eyes full of… what, exactly? Suspicion? Hatred? I couldn't tell. But then her expression softens and she zooms off after him. I watch on as the rough and tumble Pegasus tackles the pony to the ground, and I pick up the pace, eager to question the runner.

“There!” Rainbow Dash grunts as she pins the mystery equine to a bed of fallen leaves. She turns her head towards me, her voice full of exertion “Hurry up! This guy is- ungh!- feisty!”. Dash is clearly having trouble holding our captive, and I pour on my last little bit of energy. I’m almost there, mind racing with questions.

Suddenly, a luminous, dark purple beam shot out from the mystery prisoner’s forehead, blasting Dash right in the chest and sending her flying backwards, crashing into the trunk of a tree with an audible crunch. Rainbow Dash's eyes went wide for a moment, before slidining down the trunk and laying unmoving at its base.

“RAINBOW!” I yell, rushing over to her, all thoughts of the unicorn who blasted her shelved for the moment. But then, I see her assailant get up, and, prioritizing, I lunge at him, teeth bared. My righteous anger is quickly replaced with unrighteous embarrassment, however, as my feet get caught in a root, and I fall hard onto my front, arms scrabbling for purchase of my adversary.

Today was just not my day.

He turns and begins to run, but not before I can grab his cloak. The unicorn strains against my hold for a few moments, before opting instead to just ditch his garment all together, leaving me with a fistful of cloth, and no prisoner.

I grit my teeth in anger, and watch the now undisguised unicorn gallop away. He has a butt tattoo as well. What had Rarity called them? A Cutie Mark. His was difficult to see in the shade of the forest, but I can vaguely make out what looks like a large, red circle that contained a strange glyph. Who was this guy?

Remembering Rainbow Dash, I get up and walk over to her, intending to check for a pulse. I instantly feel a wave of guilt as I behold the blue mare, lying on her back, her rainbow mane spreading out around her head in sharp contrast to the forest floor. Does CPR work on ponies? I wasn’t sure. First things first, though. I could at least check for breathing, and then maybe a heartbeat.

Placing my ear against her muzzle, I looked down at her chest, using the two most sure-fire methods to see whether or not she still breathed. A small gust of air tickled my ear, and I could see her chest moving, the singed fur rising up and down in time with her airflow.

That was a good sign.

“Rainbow! Hey! Can you hear me?” I call loudly into her ear, slapping her face gently as I did. “Rainbow! Hey! Those uh… Wondershots…? Are here! They’re recruiting!” I call out again, trying to rouse her from her unconscious state.

“… They’re called WonderBOLTS, you clod,” Rainbow mutters weakly, bringing a huge sigh of relief out of me. “And for the record, next time we’re chasing somepony down, you can take the magic blast.”

“Fair enough,” I mumble, grinning apologetically down at her. “Now then can you walk? We should get back to the others.”

“Mhm…” she mumbles getting up on all four hooves and shaking her head a little. “Who was that guy? He sure packs quite the punch,” she said, rubbing her hoof over the blast mark on her chest.

“I dunno,” I admit, shrugging. “He was staring at me through the window of Fluttershy’s cottage, and I thought maybe he knew something about how I got here.” I pick up the cloak again, trying to examine it through the darkness of the forest, before giving up and starting back towards the shack.

“Wait… So you started chasing this guy down because he looked at you funny?”

“Well… Ya.” I say, guiltily reflecting on just how little that was to go on. “But you saw! He ran when I came outside!”

“I would too, if I was him!” She pauses for a second, before correcting herself. “Well, I wouldn’t but most ponies would! You’re an alien, James! You probably just scared him.”

“But then, what was he doing hiding in the bushes outside of Fluttershy’s place? Even if he didn’t know anything about me, he still could have been a threat to her.”

This stumps Rainbow Dash, and she thinks for a moment. “Well,” she starts, considering this, “That’s true. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to ‘Shy.” She stops again, glances at my dirtied clothes, and then looks around at the forest. “Come to think of it, nopony really lives around here, except her and a couple guys down the road. He didn’t look like any of them, so what was he doing here?”

The two of us approached the edge of the forest, and we emerged, blinking in the sunlight. I’m suddenly painfully aware of all of the leaves and dirt that cover my clothes, and I attempt brush them off. What a shame. I had only just gotten them reasonably clean from the last time I wound up on the forest floor.

A little squeal snaps me back to the situation at hand, as Fluttershy sees the burn mark on Rainbow’s coat. She then turns and looks at me and squeaks again. I guess I took more of bruising than I thought when I fell.

“What happened to you two!?” The little yellow pegasus murmured adorably, and I could feel my heart melt a little bit. Rainbow Dash, perhaps because she was used to Fluttershy’s inherent cuteness, or perhaps because she was grumpy that her flawless coat had black singe marks in it, remained decidedly unaffected by it.

“Paranoid Pinkie here decided to chase somepony down who was spyin’ on him through your window.” Rainbow stated plainly. “I flew him down, but he managed to get off a decent blast on me, and got away. James nabbed his cloak though.”

I nod, confirming her story, and glance around as the others filter back out of little yellow pegasus’s home. “I wish we could have caught him though… ” I add ruefully. I notice Applejack looking up at the sky, and do the same. The sun was beginning to set.

Twilight Sparkle stepped forward, and cleared her throat. “James, I understand that this must be… Difficult for you, but we promise, we’ll do everything in our power to help you get home. Until that time, however, you need a place to stay. Applejack has kindly offered for you to stay in one of the guest rooms at her farm,” Applejack beamed at me again, and I felt myself grinning back. Out of all of these ponies, I had definitely bonded the most with her on the way to Fluttershy’s.

“I’ll write a letter to Princess Celestia tonight, and let her know about your situation. She might know about how you got here, and she might even be able to send you home.”

“Thank you, Twilight. I appreciate it. Thanks to everyone, actually. I’m really grateful for how much you’ve all done for me.” Turning to Rainbow Dash, I began blushing a little. “And uh… Sorry for dragging you into that chase back there.”

Dash stands on her two hind legs and performs and exaggerated shrug. “Meh, it was no big deal. Besides, it’ll make a great story! But maybe I’ll replace the unicorn with a dragon. And you might have to be foalnapped.”

“Fair enough. Well everyone, I think I’m ready to go when you are. And thanks again for your hospitality, Fluttershy.”

We all finished saying goodbye to our pink haired host, and turned to walk down the road to town. Twilight and the others fell into a conversation about the upcoming Summer Sun Festival, and I absentmindedly started playing with the cloak. It was a deep, rich purple with golden patterns printed all over it. If only I hadn’t tripped up on that root…

Suddenly, I was struck by an idea. “Hey, Rarity!” I called out.

The white mare looked back at me over her shoulder, and slowed her pace to walk beside me. “Yes, James?”

“Is there anything out of the ordinary about this cloak?” I asked, wondering what her professional eye could discern.

“Well other than the fact that it seems custom made, not a great deal, I’m afraid. Whoever was wearing it was probably quite rich. If you’d like, I can take it back to the boutique tonight and do a bit more research, though.”

“That would be awesome Rarity, thank you.” I hand it to her, and she levitates it in front of her with a look of slight disgust on her face. I guess she noticed the dirt stains I ground into it. Oops. I squint at it, and realize that one of the glyphs on the back matches the cutie mark of the pony I took it from.

“Hey Twilight, do you know what this symbol means?”

She too drops back to walk with Rarity and I, and looks at it for a second. Her eyes light up for a moment, but only for a moment, before her expression becomes grim.

“It’s an ancient Equestrian word,” she says. “It means ‘Discord’.”

Author's Note

I finished chapter two a little earlier than I thought, and my proof reading wasn't able to pick out any major flaws, so I decided to post it a little bit early. I hope everyone enjoys it, and I'm looking forward to seeing peoples reactions, good or bad.

Apple bucking sounds gross..

“And what do you want to be when you grow up, James?”

“A hero!” I shout with all the confidence in the world, looking her right in the eyes as I say it.

She just chuckles, shakes her head, and walks away to talk to the next student.

I frown as I watch her interrogate her second grade class about their dreams and aspirations. I don’t understand why she doesn’t believe me. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I’ve known it for days. Ever since I got my Nintendo, actually. Saving princesses, slaying monsters, dodging traps… It just felt right. Oh well. She’ll see. When a giant gorilla comes and abducts her, she’ll see who shows up to save her.

They’ll all see…

I’m at home, watching as my father enters the door with a weird look on his face. He stands in the doorway for a second, staring at me, and then breaks down in tears. I don’t understand what the problem is. Death is a foreign concept to a seven year old.

It’s my eighth birthday, my father doing his best to make the day memorable without mom or Jessica. I laugh, I smile, I pretend to be having a good time. I couldn’t break dad’s heart by telling him that without the rest of the family, things just weren’t the same. Later that day, he gives me a present. It’s a Nintendo game, The Legend of Zelda. I smile, say thank you, and immediately start playing it. It’ll be good to escape to another world, where I don’t have to pretend all the time.

That night, I have a dream. Mom and Jessica are standing in front of me. We’re in the huge church that their funeral was in. They’re both so pale, and the details of their face are fuzzy. I can feel their stares on me, hollow and invasive.

“Why didn’t you save us?” They rasp, low and disconcerting.

I feel so frustrated; all I want to do is bring them back to dad and me. But I know that there’s nothing I can do. No one can save them, now. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I can’t…”

“But James…” Comes the low rasp, “I thought you were a hero?”

I can’t take it anymore, and I start to cry. Suddenly, I’m awake in my bed. Dad runs in. He must have heard me. Sits on my bed and brings me into a tight hug, my tears soaking his t-shirt. We stay like that for almost half an hour, moonlight pouring onto my bed through a gap in my drapes.

“James… I love, so, so much," He finally says after a long silence, broken only by my sobs. "You’re the most important person in the world to me.”

“I love you too, dad.”

I can feel his chest heaving against my head, which is pressed tight against it. I can tell he’s trying not to cry, too. He misses them just as much as I do, maybe even more. He always tries to stay so strong in front of me, but I heard him crying in his room, when he thought I wasn’t around. Losing his wife and daughter broke him. I’m scared I can’t save him either

I’m suddenly wide awake. I grit my teeth and keep my eyes squeezed shut, desperate to not let any tears escape me. Thoughts of my father sitting alone in our home, staying up all night long, wondering where his son has gone, flood into my mind. Losing me is probably killing him.

I roll over in the bed that’s slightly too small for my body, and shove my face into a pillow that’s slightly too small for my head. I imagine my father waiting desperately at the kitchen table, hoping to God that I come home. I picture him calling the police, and staying up for days, not daring to sleep in case I call home and he misses it. If I don’t make it home… Dad will have lost everything important to him. His wife, his son, his daughter. It would kill him long before he actually died.

No.

I’ll find a way. I’ll make it home. Whatever the cost.

Sighing, I blink back a few more tears and try and get comfortable again. After what seems like hours, I manage to drift back to sleep, my troubled mind once again attempting to shut down and rest. All too soon, however, it feels like I’m woken up again. This time, by visitors.

“…ure he’s not dangerous?” Comes a voice, slow and sure. It’s kind of soothing, actually.

“Well, if Ah’m bein’ honest, no, Ah’m not. But he’s given us no reason not to trust him, and honestly, he seemed pretty nice.” Applejack’s voice replies. I guess she’s introducing me to her brother, Big Macintosh. Unless there are any others men in her family that she forgot to mention on the walk over here last night. We had gotten back pretty late, and I never got the chance to meet any of them before bed.

“Well alright, AJ. But he’s you’re responsibility, y’hear? If anything goes wrong-“

“Nothing will go wrong.” I say, deciding to just speak for myself. I sit up and roll out of bed, feeling slightly embarrassed about being in just boxers. But hey, they were naked. So I still have one up on them.

“Oh… Uh… Hullo…” He stutters. He seems kind of nervous, and I feel a little guilty about being so short with him. Figuratively, I mean. While he’s big by pony standards, his head only rises to just below my chest. Even so, I can see muscle ripple under his red coat, and I make a mental note to not get on his bad side.

Deciding to backtrack and change tactics, I smile in what I hoped was a disarming fashion, and held out my hand. “My name is James West. As you might have noticed, I’m not from your world.”

“The names Macintosh, but folks ‘round here just call me Big Mac,” he says, extending a hoof, which I promptly shook. He seemed surprised, and I realize that handshakes probably weren't common in this world. Considering the lack of hands, and all.

“Pleased to meet you, Mac. And thanks for letting me stay on your farm.” I wondered if I was pushing things saying that, as Applejack had just kinda thrown me in the guest room without consulting her family, but he didn’t actually seem to mind too much.

“’T’aint no trouble at all, partner. Ya might wanna introduce yerself to Granny Smith and Apple Bloom if you’re gonna be stayin’ here any longer than just one night. Ah’m sure they’d like to know who they’re sharin’ a house with,” Big Mac said, not quite brusquely, but I could tell that he was a little uncomfortable with my presence.

“Thanks for the tip,” I turned to Applejack, who had been watching our exchange nervously. “Are you terribly busy today?”

“Ah’m afraid so, James. Since Ah wasn’t here to help out yesterday, Ah’m gonna have to work double time today.”

“Alright. Well, it seems I owe you for your hospitality here, so if you’d like, I can help out a little bit,” I grinned at her. I did have an ulterior motive, however. The sooner she finished her chores, the sooner we could head in to town to speak with Rarity and Twilight about their respective homework assignments.

“Well that’s might kind of ya, James. Ah would really appreciate the help. Why dontcha come on down for breakfast in fifteen minutes, and meet the rest of the family. We can get started after that.”

I nodded to her and Big Macintosh, and then closed the door. Sighing and wrinkling my nose at the prospect of wearing the same underwear two days in a row, I reluctantly put on my dirty jeans and t-shirt. I had forgotten my sweater at Fluttershy’s cottage, but judging by how warm my small room was, the day would be hot enough that I wouldn’t need it.

After visiting the washroom and realizing that toilets were, mercifully, existent in this world, I cleaned up and decided to head downstairs, mentally preparing myself for the awkward line of questioning that usually followed being introduced to somepony new. I grunted, took one last look in the mirror to fix my hair, and walked out of the bathroom. Turning, I headed downstairs and found myself in the family room of the Apple’s home.

When I arrived here last night, it was too dark to make out the photos on the mantle above the fireplace. In the daylight streaming through the windows, however, it was quite easy to make them out. Walking over, I examined the pictures, smiling as I recognized a small blond filly with her triple-apple cutie mark, proudly displaying what must have been a newly adorned flank to the camera. There were photos of who must have been Granny Smith and Apple Bloom, photos of Big Mac and AJ as they opened the cider stalls, and, most heart-wrenching of all, a photo of a tiny AJ, Macintosh, and a somewhat younger Granny Smith as the family stood around what were probably Applejacks parents, tenderly holding a newborn filly. Apple Blooms birth? Perhaps. I remembered what Applejack said about her parent’s demise. While she hadn’t gotten into how it happened, I knew from experience that sometimes it was best to not ask too many questions about these kinds of things.

I swallowed hard as I gazed at the picture. These were ponies with lives, a family, and children. Ponies that had their own, independent and rather successful farm and all the reason in the world to live. In the end, it wasn’t really up to them whether or not they got to continue. Sighing, and trying to drive thoughts of my father out of my mind, I placed the photo back on the mantelpiece, my gaze lingering just a second longer before I turned and headed into the kitchen, where the rest of the Apple family was waiting.

Granny Smith and Apple Bloom, being the only two members of the household who hadn’t seen me yet, took my presence surprisingly calmly. Granny Smith just eyed me up with a critical eye while Apple Bloom did the same, but with an air of wonder instead of… well… grumpiness, I guess.

Awkwardly, I stood there, suddenly very aware of my arms and how stupid they looked just hanging there. I shoved my hands into my pockets and tried to give another disarming smile, but it came off as more a queasy grin. I really wish Granny would stop staring at me like that.

“He’s taller than I expected.” The old mare said, finally breaking the awkward, frosty silence. “Pleased to meetcha, James.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Granny Smith,” I replied, without actually knowing why I cared what she thought of me. All I knew was that it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. “It’s nice to meet you too, Apple Bloom.”

“Are you really from another world?” She asked, wide eyed. I guess kids are kids, no matter what world they’re from.

“Yes, I am,” I chuckled, “And it’s actually pretty similar to this one. Except for the cars. And the giant, concrete buildings. And I’m guessing the technology, too.”

“What’s a car?” She squeaked excitedly.

I smiled, and took the empty seat at the table, digging into apple waffles (which were surprisingly good) and describing Earth to my new pony friends. I felt a little guilty that I wasn’t out in Equestria trying to get home, but I’m not gonna lie; these guys were way too adorable to just walk away from.

As we talked over breakfast, I noticed that Big Mac was being awfully quiet. While I had heard that this was just his way last night as ‘Jack and I approached the farm, it still made me uneasy. It’s the quiet ones you gotta watch.

Finally, breakfast finishes and everyone gets up to go do their respective chores, with Big Mac plowing the fields, Apple Bloom running off to find her little cult, Granny Smith cleaning the kitchen, and me and Applejack heading out to “buck some apples,”. I wasn’t sure I liked the sounds of that, but I needed to talk to Applejack alone anyways, and this would be the perfect opportunity.

As the white freckled earth pony and I walked out to the fields, I tried to get all my thoughts in order. Applejack would need to fill in some gaps for me, and I wasn’t gonna stop pestering her until she answered my questions. Not that I thought she wouldn’t answer, but these were desperate times for me.

“Hey, Applejack?”

“What’s up, sugarcube?”

I blushed a little at the pet name. I had heard her call other people that but I still thought it was sweet. No pun intended.

“What where you ponies doing in the Everfree, yesterday?”

“Oh! Well, Twilight said she saw some weird lights comin’ from the forest while she was stargazing a couple nights ago, so she rounded us all up brung us out into the Everfree to investigate it.”

We reached the apple trees, and Applejack gave me a short tutorial on bucking apples. Realizing that my body wasn’t designed to do that kind of thing, I compromised by ramming shoulder first into the tree. It had the desired effect, and apples rained down on us. Shrugging and rubbing my arm, I moved on to the next tree.

“So!”-THUD- “Did you ever find out what caused those lights?”

She looked at me quizzically for a moment, before shaking her head and returning to the task at hand.

“Well… Ya,”-SMACK- “A kinda figured it was you.”

“Ya, right,” –THUD- “But what about me? Do you think it was my… I dunno… Journey here?”

“Well Ah’m not rightly sure, James,” My orange friend answered slowly, taking a break from her toils for a moment to think. She wiped the sweat off of her forehead and gazed into the distance before answering.

“The last time that magic powerful enough to be seen for miles around was used, Changelings invaded Canterlot.” Again with the Canterlot. “That was some nasty business. The power that Queen Chrysalis had harvested from Twilight’s brother allowed her to overpower even Princess Celestia. If anypony was powerful enough to summon you here from another world, it would be one of those two, Ah reckon.”

She looks at me in the eyes again, and sighs. “But,” she continues, “If that cloak you nabbed yesterday was any sign, it might mean that Discord, the Avatar of Chaos, has returned, or at least has a fan. It could just as easily be one of those two. Ah’m willing to bet Twilight knows more, though. She’s the resident magic expert of Ponyville.”

“Alright. Thank you, Applejack.”

“No problem, James, though I wish I could be of more help.”

I just shrug in response. Privately, I wish that she could be of more help too, but she did what she could, and gave me a place to stay, and I’m deeply grateful for that.

But then, something dawns on me.

“Hey Applejack,” I begin slowly, “What happened to Discord? Rainbow mentioned yesterday that you had re-sealed him in a statue. How did he break out in the first place?”

“Hmm? Oh uh… Apparently the spell that was holding him had weakened enough that even a little bit of chaos unfroze him.”

“A little bit of chaos, huh? And now that the seal binding him has been renewed, it would take a whole LOT of chaos to free him, right?”

“Ah suppose so.”

“And it seems to me that every new pony I meet is surprised, or even disturbed to meet me. My very presence here is enough to make ponies freak out.”

“What are you tryin’ ta say, James?” Applejack worried.

“I think that pony with the cloak yesterday summoned me to free Discord.”

Author's Note

This'll be the last chapter for a while. I got the Nightwing DLC for Arkham city and was so overcome by fanboyish emotion that I decided to create a new story about him. I'm really excited about it, and I think it'll be good. On a related note, I only proof read this one once, before I just decided to end it, so I would appreciate it if you guys could point out some mistakes.

Applesass

"What time should we be expecting him?" Princess Celestia inquired of her purple student, Twilight Sparkle.

"Well, Applejack probably has a lot of chores to do today, so she likely won't be able to find the time to bring James around until this evening." She responded in a respectful tone. "Of course, we could go to them if you wanted, or I could send word that you came to Ponyville personally to investigate. Applejack would probably bring him posthaste."

Celestia considered her offer for a moment, but merely shook her alabaster head. "No, Twilight, we should let Applejack bring him in her own time. The less we disrupt everyponies lives, the better. But, while we wait, I would appreciate it if you could fill me in on what I should be looking forward to."

"Uhm... well... he's pretty big. Maybe the same size as a Minotaur. He seems to have a sense of humour, and he didn't freak out too much when he first saw the girls and I, so I suppose he doesn't get fazed too easily. Apparently his world only has one form of creature capable of concious thought, so meeting new species doesn't happen too often. Oh, and his name is James. James West."

The Princess of the Sun nodded, her brightly colour flowing mane bobbing behind her, but she didn't say anything. Unsure of how to break the silence, Twilight just stood awkwardly and watched her mentor consider the options.

"Uhm... Do you think you'll be able to send him home, Princess?" The unicorn asked nervously.

"Patience, Twilight. I will explain when Applejack and our interstellar visitor arrive."

I rubbed my shoulder as the final apples fell into the bushels awaiting their golden-delicious payload.

"Alright, AJ, I'm all done on my end. How are things with you?" I asked, turning around to find my little orange friend. To my surprise, she was napping under the shade of one of her apple trees.

"Aww, sugarcube, Ah finished my half 'bout an hour ago. Hay, I even did most a' yours for ya."

All confidence in my level of fitness quickly dissolved as I was upstaged by a pony half my size. Sighing, I circled my arms, trying to get some of the dull ache out of them. "Well in that case, can we head into town? I'd like to see about that cloak... oh, and I think I forgot my sweater at Fluttershy's yesterday."

"We can get the sweater later, right now we should head into town. Ah got a message from Twi sayin' she wanted to talk to you in her library, and that was about an hour ago, so we should hustle up."

Nodding, we quickly put the filled apple bushels by the house for Granny to sort before we got on our way down the road to Ponyville. Curious about what lay ahead of me, I decided to pound Applejack with a few more questions. "Alright, AJ, so what's the town like?"

Looking at me with a curious gaze, she blew a strand of hair that had come loose from her pony tail out of her eyes. "Well... It's a small town. It's got buildings and houses and whatnot. Don't rightly know how to describe it. It's just... Ponyville. Not terribly busy, most folk who live there are pretty friendly. 'Cept Cranky, but ah never really see him."

"Have you ever considered becoming a tour guide, AJ? The way you described it just made it come to life," I teased.

"Have you ever considered becoming a comedian, James? 'Cause if ya were, you should stop." She retorted with a small smirk.

Ouch. Applejack: 1, James: 0.

"You know, Jackie-"

"Don't call me that."

"You know, Applejack, I'm kind of worried about how I'm going to be received by Ponyville. I mean, if we're right about the whole Discord thing, wouldn't we be playing into his hands by just sort of... waltzing in to town and showing off the new alien on the block?"

Applejack considered this for a moment as we walked, her hooves and my shoes leaving starkly different prints in the dirt. "Ah suppose it would, be we don't know how long y'all are gonna be stuck here. 'Could be another hour, or another year. We may as well just get introductions over with so that ponies have more time to warm up to ya."

Well, makes sense to me. We continued down the path, breaking the silence here or there with a cutting quip or two. If I'm being totally honest, it felt weird to get along so well with her. I mean, I've known her for maybe a day, and yet we were chatting as if we were lifelong friends. Even among human's I had trouble with that. Then again, maybe that was precisely the reason I could open to her so easily.

She wasn't human, I wasn't pony, so there was no awkwardness. We were already so different from one another that awkwardness had no place in our relationship. Besides, I might be out of here by tomorrow, so I might as well enjoy whatever time I get here while I can.

"Well... here we are, sugarcube."

"Have I ever mentioned how adorable that pet name is?" I blurted, not really thinking about it.

She blushed, and scraped a hoof awkwardly along the ground. Well, so much for our unbridled level of comfort. "Uhm... thanks, Ah guess..." I noticed that she refused to meet my green eyes with hers, and I rubbed the back of my head a little bit, unsure of what to do to defuse the situation. Nice, James. Real smooth. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head.

"So, Apples, where's-,"

"You're really bad with nicknames, huh?" Applejack asked wryly, the mischievous light returning to her face. 'Atta girl.

"Maybe. So where's this library of which you speak?"

"C'mon, sugar, I'll show ya."

And that's why they call me James the... Jammer? I really was bad with nicknames.

We made our way through the town, attracting some shocked expressions from the local populace. Of course, I had been told the names of everyone in town yesterday, but for some reason I only remembered Lyra's. Even that was useless to me, however, as I had no idea what she looked like.

It was a little disconcerting to be watched by what seemed to be the whole town. I gave them a little wave here, and a nervous smile there, but the look of abject shock on their faces (and in some cases, terror) was disconcerting. After what seemed like a sea of adorable, frightened faces, we finally arrived at the giant tree that housed the local library.

"Shall we?" I asked, pushing the door open for Applejack, who smiled at me and entered. Following close behind her, I crossed the threshold into what seemed to be a cacophony of colour. All six of the ponies that I had met yesterday were here, as well as a huge unicorn-pegasus hybrid with a flowing rainbow mane. I spotted the purple dragon, Spike, in the corner eyeing me suspiciously as well.

The alicorn took a step forward and stared sharply into my eyes. "Greetings, James West of Earth. My name is Princess Celestia, co-ruler of this land of Equestria." Her voice was sure and authoritative, and I could practically feel power radiating off of her. She was around the size of a proper horse, though the wings and horn made her somewhat more threatening. On the flip side, she also had intelligent, human eyes, and softer features than an earth equine.

"Uhm... Hello, Princess. You already know me, apparently, but I'm James." Glancing at the ponies behind her, I noticed Twilight and Rarity making obscene gestures at me. "Bow!" The mouthed, and my eyes lit up with understanding.

Complying with the requests of the two unicorns, I bent at the waist and clapped my hands together.

Celestia chuckled, and waved a fore hoof at me dismissively. "You need not bow to me, James. I am not your ruler."

"Right..." I replied rising back to my full height. "So uhm... Princess... have you been filled in by Twilight?"

She nodded at me, her pink eyes locking on to my green ones. "Yes, I have. She mentioned seeing some bright, purple lights coming from the Everfree, and when they arrived, they found you. She also mentioned the Discord Cultist that was watching you from outside Fluttershy's cottage."

Fluttershy shrunk back at the mention of her name and hid her face with her mane. Feeling sorry for her, I flashed the little yellow pegasus what I hoped was a winning smile. This only caused her to shrink back even more, but at least I tried.

"What's a Discord Cultist?" I asked, confused.

"The Cult of Discord is a society who worships the avatar of chaos, though their agenda is a mystery as of yet. We believe they are attempting to free the imprisoned deity, however. Now, these purple lights and your sudden appearance lead me to believe that whoever this pony was, he was practicing summoning arts, a kind of magic outlawed thousands of years ago."

"Outlawed?" I interrupted. "Why was it outlawed?"

Celestia sighed, and placed a hoof on my shoulder. This probably wasn't going to be good news. "Well, the process of summoning is extraordinarily dangerous, to begin with. The summoned creature, if being summoned from another world, is not always guaranteed to survive the journey. A great number of things can go wrong due to the spell being so complicated, and often times summoned creatures didn't arrive... whole."

I winced, picturing a gruesome image of a James West missing it's entire left half. "I see... Well can you send me back?"

The Princess dropped her hoof and turned to look out the window, a look of concern marred her equine features. "Unfortunately, no. Summoning requires three things; a summoner, a summoned being, and a pact."

"A pact?" Twilight repeated, cutting in. "What kind of pact?"

"Well, it depends on what the creature was summoned for." Celestia answered patiently. "Only one thing is certain, however. The only way for the creature in question to return home is to fulfill the conditions that the summoner created. In some cases, horrible monsters were summoned to bring about untold destruction. In other cases, creatures were commissioned to help with manual labour."

"Is that all?" Rarity asked, flicking her mane with a hoof. "In that case James just needs to fulfill his pact, and he can go home."

The sun monarch just continued to stare out of the window. "Do any of you actually know what the pact is?"

Silence fell upon the library, and some eyes turned to me. "I have no idea," I admitted, "but can't we just find the summoner and get him to tell us?"

A pair of pink eyes met mine again as Celestia considered this. "Yes, I suppose we could. But until the day comes in which we can be certain why you were summoned, you're going to have to remain in Equestria. Furthermore, if this mystery unicorn really is a member of the cult of Discord, he likely brought you here to be some kind of weapon."

A chill ran up my spine as I tried to imagine what a servant of chaos would need me for. Could I bring myself to bring Equestria to it's knee's by freeing the imprisoned Discord? What would happen to it's inhabitants, to Applejack? But... what will happen to dad if I don't...?

I shook my head, clearing my thoughts. Speculation was a fine mental exercise, but I didn't actually know why I was here yet. And until that time came, I didn't have to do anything that could possibly hurt anyone. "I'll do everything in my power to prevent any kind of suffering in your kingdom, Princess."

The ponies in the room gave me a worried look. "And what happens if ya were brought here to free Discord, or hurt somepony?" Applejack asked in a hushed voice.

For a moment I remained silent. Turning to my freckled friend, I knelt and met her eyes. "I'll find a way to make things work for everyone. I promise."

"Spoken like a true hero," Celestia replied warmly, and I got a major case of the warm and fuzzies. "I will ask the Royal Guard to begin searching for this Discord Cultist immediately. Until the day comes where we know for certain why you are here, you are a welcomed guest of Equestria, James. May I suggest that you try and educate yourself on pony culture?"

"Oh! Ohohohhohohohohohoh!!!" Pinkie screeched, hopping up and down. "I just had super terrific-liffic idea! Why don't we throw a-!"

"A party?" Rainbow Dash interjected, rolling her eyes.

Pinkie's expression grew thoughtful. "Well, I was gonna say a small get together, but Dash's idea is WAAAAAAAAAAAY better! I wish I thought of that!"

"Hang in there, Dad." I thought to myself. "I might be a while..."

Author's Note

As you might have been able to tell, I tried to make this chapter more comedy centered, as the last chapter was little more serious.

West gets wasted

"What time does Pinkie want us over at Sugar Cube Corner?" I inquired of Rarity, her pure white coat gleaming brightly in the sun. It had been two days since our conversation with the esteemed Princess Celestia, and my generous new friend had taken it upon herself to make me some new clothes. Apparently, wearing the same thing everyday while performing manual labour on a farm is generally considered unsanitary.

Who knew?

"I believe she wanted us to arrive at eight o clock, dear," She mumbled as she stitched a shirt for me, a look of utter concentration and devotion on her muzzle. Was it a muzzle? Or does it count as a face? Whatever.

The two of us were sitting in the Carousel Boutique, and I was absentmindedly stroking my host's cat while I waited for my new garment to be completed. The little guy was purring contently, and it stretched it's little legs out, giving me access to it's snow white belly. "Should I bring anything?"

"Oh, but of course, darling! It's always polite to bring your host a gift!" She replied enthusiastically. "Some flowers or a nice bottle of wine would be appropriate, though from my experience, Pinkie's parties do not necessarily require something so... sophisticated."

"Huh." I said, scratching behind the cat's ear. "What do you mean? Like... Weed? 'Cause I'm not really about that kinda thing."

Rarity glanced up from her work. "Weed? You're asking me if you should bring Pinkie Pie marijuana?"

I blushed. "Well... I dunno what you meant by less sophisticated! Besides, I didn't even know Equestria had weed. It was kind of a joke." The purple haired unicorn continued to stare at me incredulously. "It was just a question! I wasn't actually gonna bring weed! I wouldn't even know where to get it!"

Rarity's sapphire eyes returned to the shirt, moving from side to side as the unicorn shook her alabaster head. "Well I most certainly did not mean marijuana. However, if you got her a bottle of rum or a similar substance, I'm sure she could find a use for it."

"Gotcha, Rare-Bear."

She raised an eyebrow. "Rare-Bear?"

"Don't judge me."

"Of course not, dear. Now then, come try on your shirt."

I stood up (causing the cat to angrily leap off of me) and slipped the purple purple fabric over my head, shoving my arms through the sleeves ("Not so roughly!") and looked in the standing mirror. I had to admit, it was pretty snazzy. It was a pretty standard t-shirt, though it seemed to fit me perfectly. Not to mention the fact that it felt as if thousands of beautiful angles were caressing my skin

"Wow, this is awesome, Rarity! Thank you! And you did it in such a short time!"

She smiled gently, pleased by the praise being lavished upon her. "Oh, it was nothing dear. I mean really, it's just a simple shirt."

I grinned at her. "Yes, but it means a lot that you made it for me." Reaching into the pocket of that my jeans (Rarity hadn't gotten around to making me new pants yet), I pulled out the small fabric purse Applejack had given me. "Now, how much do I owe you?"

She waved a white hoof at me dismissively, and returned my grin. "Oh please, I couldn't take the money you earned from Applejack away from you. Consider it a... "welcome to Equestria" gift."

"Wow, thank you, Rarity. I really appreciate it." I knelt and gave her a hug, resisting the urge to pet her soft coat of fur. These things were too cuddly for their own damn good.

After maintaining the embrace for what I hoped was an appropriate amount of time, I rose back up to my feet and gave her another thank you. "Well, Rarity, I guess I'd better head out and find a liquor store." Man, that felt weird to say. Was I seriously gonna drink with ponies tonight?

Hell ya I was. But still, it's weird to think about it.

"Oh, there's one on Hoover Lane. The mare who owns it is a regular client of mine, so tell her I sent you. You might get a discount."

I chuckled. "You're the pony that just keeps on giving, huh?"

Rarity smiled at me and adjusted her mane with a hoof. "I'll see you tonight, James."

"Sure thing! Later!"

I stepped out of the boutique, squinting in the harsh sunlight of the afternoon sun. I should really invest in a pair of sunglasses. Would they have sunglasses in my size? Probably not. I sighed, letting my shoulders droop a little. A man can dream, I suppose.

I made my way over to the liquor store (appropriately named 'The Merry Mare') and stepped inside, relishing the feel of the cool store on my skin. I got a few looks as I walked in, but most ponies knew who I was now. Celestia had called a public assembly during her brief visit in Ponyville, and introduced me to the populace.

Frowning, I recalled meeting Lyra. Nice enough pony, but she needs to keep away from my hands. It was kind of creepy.

"Hello there! May I help you!" A small purple mare with a fruit cutie mark asked me.

"Hey there! I was looking for a gift to bring to a party a friend of mine is throwing tonight. Do you have any suggestions?"

The pony giggled and rolled her eyes. "Pinkie Pie's party?"

"Uhm, ya, how'd you know?" I asked, surprised.

"She's been here for a half hour stocking up."

The purple pony's words proved true, for as soon as she finished speaking Pinkie Pie stepped out from behind a shelf, pushing a shopping cart laden with enough alcohol to kill a small country.

"Holy cow, Pinkie!" I exclaimed, taking a step back in shock. "Is that all for tonight!?"

"Oh, hey James!" She chirped, smiling broadly as she saw me. Well, she was probably already smiling broadly, but I only saw it when she came into view. "Well, no not all of it. Mr. Cake asked me to pick up a case of beer for him. But other than that, we're gonna have a GREAT time!" She pushed the overflowing cart to the check out counter, prompting the purple mare to attend to her customer.

"Wha... Jesus, Pinkie Pie, that's... a lot."

"Oh, don't be silly! We don't have to drink it all in one go!" She said happily, consoling me. "We can save a bottle for next time, too!"

I shrugged. Fair enough. "Well, I was gonna buy you a hostess gift here, but you're clearly set for alcohol, so I guess I'll just get something else." I frowned, trying to decide what to get her now that plan A was up in smoke.

"Oh, pshaw, silly filly! You don't have to bring me anything! Your presence is the only present I need!"

My heart warmed. "Aww, thanks Pinkie, that's really sweet of you to say! You're giving me a case of the warm an- wait, did you just call me a filly?"

The curly maned mare gathered up her multitude of shopping bags and stuffed them in her (much smaller) saddle bag. "I'm looking forward to seeing everypony tonight! It'll be sooo much fun! We'll play games and introduce you to everypony who you haven't met yet! And I got Vinyl Scratch to DJ and the Cake's are going out of town so we can be as loud as we want! Oh, you're gonna have so many friends! Well, I gotta run, but it's been nice seeing you James! See you later!"

"See you, Pinkie!" I called after her as she bounced out of the store. Talking to her is way too exhausting.

"So," The dark purple mare said from behind the counter, "If you're not gonna buy something after all, I just made enough bit's to close early."

Time to head back to Sweet Apple Acres and get ready then, I guess.

Music pounded from inside the enourmas gingerbread house, making me wonder if the vibrations from the tune would make the whole house collapse. "She really knows how to throw a party, hey Orange Honest?"

Applejack rolled her eyes, not dignifying my latest attempt at a nickname with an answer. "C'mon, sugarcube, let's head inside. I ain't had an excuse to go to a party in weeks."

I chuckled and pushed the door open, knowing that there was no way Pinkie Pie would be able to hear us knocking above all of the noise. The two of us entered the bakery, and we were met by a wave of stares as my towering form walked in. Well that's kind of uncomfortable. "Uhm... Hey everyone. I'm James and uh..."

"JAAAAAAAAAMMMES!!!" A high pitched voice called suddenly, making me jump. Twilight Sparkle had just stumbled into Applejack and I. The unicorn wore a huge smile on her face, and her eyes had a slightly vacant expression. Looks like a certain purple someone found Pinkie's sizable stash of booze. "AND APPLEJACK!? I am SOOOO happy to see you two!"

She tottered over, wrapping Applejack and I in a group hug, much to our surprise (and amusement of the onlooking party goers). "Twi, your mane smells like alcohol," Applejack started. "How much did y'all have!? It's only eight thirty!"

Twilight Sparkle giggled, releasing us from her grip of death. "Uhm... I think... two? No, no three." I raised my eyebrows and smirked to Applejack who just shook her head in disbelief.

"Yer such a lightweight, Twi."

The inebriated unicorn snickered and stumbled into the crowd currently milling about the bakery. I turned to my blond companion and motioned for us to join them. "We should head in before our lavender friend drinks everything."

Applejack just shook her head again and we merged with the crowd, a technicolour sea of ponies, some unicorns levitating their drinks beside them while others danced to the electronic beat blaring from the DJ's booth in the corner. I was suddenly aware of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash who had found me among the throng. I guess being way taller than the other's kind of makes me stick out.

"Hiya, James, glad to see that you made it!" Pinkie greeted me, handing me a drink.

"Oh, thanks, girls. Nice to see you all!" I was vaguely aware of Twilight Sparkle giggling madly in the corner with a mortified looking Fluttershy. Motioning to the pair, I smirked. "I guess ol' purple over there can't really hold her liquor, huh?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and facehoofed. "Ya, this is the only thing that she's faster than me in. I mean, we can't all be Rainbow Dash's, but that filly seriously needs to work on her endurance."

I laughed at that and took a sip of Pinkie's brew. Surprisingly, it was pretty good. "You think you're tough stuff, Rainbow?" I teased, giving her a playful smile.

The cyan pegasus laughed. "Oh, please. I could out drink anypony here!"

"Too bad I'm not a pony." I responded coolly.

A broad smile broke out on her... let's go with muzzle. "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"SHOT CONTEST!!!" Pinkie Pie suddenly screamed, much to the approval of the other guests.

I downed my drink and set it aside. "You're on."

A crowd had gathered around the small table Rainbow Dash and I were currently taking our shots on, and ponies placed bets on who they thought would win. After fifteen shots of whatever mystery drink Pinkie Pie kept pouring for us, though, things outside the table began to get a little fuzzy.

"You know, Rainbow," I began, attempting to point at her, but instead flopping my arm across the table. "Ah, dammit. You know, Rainbow, if you give up now, I be sure to tell -hic- everyone how you lost with dignity."

Rainbow swayed back and forth in her chair, looking fairly drunk herself. "How about this... no."

I squinted and nodded slowly. Touche, Rainbow Dash. Touche. "Well, ya got me there. 'Nother shot!" I shouted, downing another one. Why were there three Rainbow Dash's!? That's hardly fair.

For a moment Rainbow hesitated, glaring at the small shot glass in front of her, before picking it up between two hooves and downing it.

The crowd yelled their approval, and I noticed Applejack standing in the crowd, laughing at my antics. I lifted my arm to point at her. "Jokes on you, Jackie, 'cause you gotta drag my drunk ass home!"

She giggled again and shook her head. "Not if ya keep callin' me Jackie Ah won't."

Rainbow suddenly slammed a hoof on the table, forcing my attention back to our match. "Hey! Stop makin' doe eyes with the farmer, we have a... thing goin' on here!"

"Fine, MOM."

Her eyes widened, and for a moment she looked deeply offended. "Oh, it. Is. On."

It's funny, just three days ago she was trying to beat me to death. Oh, how times change.

"...and then Optimus Prime was all like, 'Freedom is the right of all sentient beings' and Megatron was like, 'Aww dammit' and got the... oil? kicked out of him."

Twilight looked at me in wonder as I recounted the tale of Canada's creation and independence. "Thatsh incredible Jamshe! But what happened to the Prime Minishter Batman?"

I nodded sagely. "Oh, he just escaped the TARDIS in time to save Finn and Jake."

Twilight smacked a hoof to her forehead. "Of course! How could I have missed that?"

I just shrugged. "Happens to the best of us, Purple Smart."

The two of us broke down into giggles, and somewhere in the back of my mind I felt guilty for partying with ponies and not searching for a way to get back home to dad. But, a larger part of me was too busy laughing at my own goofy nickname for her.

The two of us were interrupted by Pinkie Pie, who flopped on the couch right between the two of us.

"HEEEEEEY, PIIIINKIIEEEEE!!!" We both called out with unrestrained joy.

"Hey guys! Enjoying the party!?" She asked, yelling over the noise levels of the event.

Twilight and I both nodded. "Is Rainbow Dash conscious yet?"

Pinkie Pie nodded, her wildly curly mane flopping back and forth. "Ya, she's puking out back, I think. Fluttershy's looking after her."

Another fit of giggles overtook me. "Classic Fluttershy." I said after I calmed down a bit. In all honesty, I haven't had this much fun in a long time.

"Oh, by the way James, I think Applejack's looking for you. I think she wants to head home soon."

"Arright, arright," I slurred, stumbling off of the couch and to my feet. "Well, it's been... woah, so drunk... it's been fun partaking in party with you guys! Thanks for having me, Pinkie!"

"Oh, anytime, Jamesie Wamsie! How often do you get to throw a party for a human!? Not often! That's the correct answer!"

I laughed. Woah, that was weird. When did the floor get there?

"Arright, we gotta be real quiet when we get home so we don't wake anypony up." Applejack explained to me as we walked down the dark path to Sweet Apple Acres.

"Pfft, are you kitten me right meow? Quiet is my middle name. I'm like, the king of subtlety."

Even in the dark, I could tell Applejack was rolling her eyes at me. But then again, what's new?

"Didja have fun tonight, sugarcube?" She asked, pressing up beside me. I guess ponies don't really have a sense of a personal bubble.

"Ya, I really did." I said, feeling the familiar guilt I had been staving off all night coming back. "Did you?"

"Ya, I did." She said, laughing a bit. "When you accused Rarity of sneakin' in weed ah nearly peed mahself laughin'. The look on her face was priceless."

I smiled at that knowledge. "Glad to hear you enjoyed that one."

We continued to stumble down the dirt road in silence, and I was surprised we hadn't gotten lost yet. Then again, we might already be lost and just not realize it.

A sudden, chilling sensation swept over my body, and I whipped around, staring into the darkness behind us.

"What's the matter, James? Why're you stopping?"

For a moment, I just continued to stare at the pitch black road. "... It's nothing. I just felt like I was being watched or something."

Applejack yawned, and waved a hoof at me. "Ah, yer just drunk."

"Wait... Do you see that?"

The Element of Honesty turned as well, looking at the same patch of blackness as me. Only, it wasn't completely dark. There seemed to be a sinister red glow in the distance, illuminating a small portion of the road in a bloody light.

"Ya! What is that?" She asked incredulously.

"I.. I don't-" I never got to finish my sentence, however, for the red light shot forwards and slammed into my chest, burning a hole into the purple shirt that Rarity had only just made for me.

I flew backwards a few feet, landing hard on my back and clutching the sizzling burn mark on my chest. "Augh...! Applejack...! Run...!"

I slammed a fist into the ground and pulled myself back onto my feet. "AAUUUGH!" I screamed as the motion irritated my chest wound. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, the pain was just too much.

"JAMES!" Applejack yelled out, "What's happening!?"

"Get to Sweet Apple Acres now, Applejack!" I yelled, desperately wishing for my vision to clear. Suddenly, I hear a loud crack, and I was thrown forwards onto my already tender chest. My vision started growing dim, and I heard the sound of hooves running over dirt.

"JAAAAMMMEEES!"

Sorry, Jackie. I guess you're just gonna have to take the harvest in without me, tomorrow.

Author's Note

Kind of a silly chapter this time, I wanted to write some interactions with other ponies this time, so I was like "Hey, people talk at parties! James can go to a party!"

Stop me if you've heard this one...

"Rise and shine, Mr. West."

Pain erupted across my chest, and my eyes flew open, my body jerking against the restraints holding down my hands and ankles. Light overloaded my retinas, and for a moment, all I could see was white. Slowly, however, my body began surrendering back to unconciousness, unable to handle the stress of being awake after being so brutally abused.

Darkness began to cover up the world again, but yet another wave of pure agony forced me back into the world of the living. Another burst of harsh light attacked my tired eyes, and I was momentarily blinded by a sea of white. After a short time, however, my eyes adjusted to the sensory overload, and I began to make out shapes.

From what I could see, I was tied to a wall in a dilapidated old shack, my arms and legs having been spread apart so I was spread-eagled across the vertical surface. My jeans were torn up, and my shirt was completely gone, exposing my badly burned chest to the forces of nature.

Light filtered into the beat up cabin through holes in the ceiling, and I could vaguely make out the shapes of trees through the gaps. Was I back in the Everfree? Perhaps.

Glancing down, I finally noticed my captor. Or, I should say captors, plural. Three ponies were staring up at me, two of them unicorn stallions, one of them a pegasus mare. I recognized one of the stallions as the pony who was spying on me while I rested in Fluttershy's cottage. The same pony who blasted Rainbow Dash.

"I suppose you're wondering just who we are, Mr. West." The silver pegasus said, her voice high and cold. She gazed up at me with a mix of revulsion and curiosity, paying particular attention to my hands and feet.

My head pounded, and I winced at the noise the mare was making. "Water..." I croaked, fighting back the combination of a hangover and a mugging. My mind felt sluggish, and I blearily tried to clear it. What had happened last night...? There was the party, I was shot in the chest by... something... and...

Applejack.

Did she manage to get away? If she did, did she get help? Would she be able to find me? If not, what were these ruffians planning on doing with me?

Alright, James. One thing at a time.

One of the unicorn stallions brought me my requested glass of water, his crimson coat standing out against the bleak brown boards that made up the shack's walls.

He levitated the glass up to my lips in a familiar red glow, and my eyes narrowed as I contemplated the ramifications of this. He had blasted me last night, he was the reason my chest looked like it had been exposed to a solar flare. Well, that might be slightly exaggerated, but I was still pissed.

For a moment, I considered just spitting the water into his ugly equine face, but I cast the thought out of my mind almost as quickly as it came. If I was gonna survive this, I would need to keep up my strength.

"More." I demanded as I finished the glass, eager to let these ponies know that I wouldn't let them dictate the terms of our meeting.

The silver pegasus lifted an eyebrow and chuckled lightly, a high, cruel sound that made my skin crawl. I had already decided that I hated this stupid little punk.

"You get another glass of water when you begin cooperating with us."

"How about I get another glass of water and I don't break your spindly little legs."

She responded with another disgusting, high pitched laugh.

"Oh, my poor delusional human, if you think that you're in any position to make demands, then you're ape-like brain must be more primitive than I thought." She smiled all the while she said it, shaking her head at me condescendingly, her yellow eyes flashing with delight as she tormented me.

"What did you say!?" I whisper angrily, straining against the thick ropes that bound me.

"Oh, you'll make a fine pet, James. It's good that you're fighting us; it'll only make breaking you that much more satisfying."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded, gritting my teeth against the bitter headache that pounded beneath my skull. With any luck, this would be a throw up hangover and I could give this little silver witch a new hairdo.

"Put simply," The blue one from Fluttershy's spoke up, "We own you. I summoned you to Equestria, I forged the pact with you, and I get to decide when you go home to whatever pitiful existence you have waiting for you. So you better play nice, monkey, 'cause you're gonna have to do whatever we say from now on."

I hate this one, too. "Just what is it you want me to do, anyways?"

"Put simply, you're going to make us three the rulers of Equestria." He stated nonchalantly. I stared at him with wide eyes for a moment, wearing a look that practically screamed 'what the hell is the matter with you?'.

"Oooh, why didn't you say so?" I spat bitingly. "Would you like anything else while I'm at it? Perhaps a nice boot up your ass?"

He sighed, and shook his head, looking sidelong at his red companion. "Give him another shock, Slate."

"With pleasure," he rumbled. The crimson pony's horn glowed red for a moment, before a lance of blood red lighting shot out and danced along the burn on my chest, causing me to scream in yet more pure agony. The pain was all consuming. I couldn't talk, couldn't breathe, couldn't even think. The pain was, in that moment, my entire world.

The first thing I see when I get back to earth had better be naked women and whole lot of aloe vera.

The lightning stopped, and I sagged in my bindings, all of my meager strength fleeing retraction of the magical electricity. Small plumes of smoke drifted upwards, and I tried not to think about how much damage this was doing to my insides. Would the doctors here even know how to operate on the human anatomy?

Alright.. alright... just focus. Come up with a way out of here.

"Now then, Mr. West, would you like to make any more jokes before I get to the point?"

"I don't even know why you're asking me for a good joke. With that haircut, you've pretty much got the market cornered on funny. Funny lookin', at least."

Another mind numbing red shock. Worth it.

I coughed up some blood, the red liquid splattering on the ground in front of me. Okay, not so worth it after all. "... What do you want from me?"

Silver pony smiled at me smugly, causing me to ball my hands into tight fists. I hate that smile almost as much as I hate the mare wearing it. "Aww, giving up so soon? Pity, I was hoping we'd get to play with you some more before you broke."

"Don't. test me." I said acidly, flexing my fingers. Have I mentioned how much I hate her?

The navy blue stallion brought a hoof up to silence his silver comrade. I was beginning to get the feeling that he was the leader. "Enough, Myrrh." He looked up at me, locking my green eyes with his obsidian ones. "We represent-"

"Discord." I finished for him, taking vindictive pleasure at the shocked expressions on the ponies faces.

"My, it seems you've been doing your homework while you caroused with the Ponyville yokels. I suppose it was Celestia's lapdog, Twilight Sparkle, who deciphered the words on my cloak for you?"

I remained silent, and gently twisted my wrists against the course fibers of the ropes. I really didn't like where this was going. I needed to get the hell out of Dodge.

"No matter. Yes, we represent Lord Discord, Avatar of Chaos."

"Let me guess," I muttered, "You want me to free you're long imprisoned master so he can take the throne, and grant you all places of power?"

"No," he responded simply, and curiosity momentarily overrode my bitter hatred. No? So... why was I here?

I voiced my question, and he grinned maliciously at me, his pearly white teeth standing out in sharp contrast with his dark fur coat. "Ah, the many mysteries of the universe. Why are any of us here? Is there some grand, cosmic scheme, or-"

"Get to the point, cuddles."

"The Elements of Harmony are a threat to our Lord and Master, Discord. As long as they're around, any attempt to free his Chaoticness will end in failure."

"Okay, first of all, 'Chaoticness' isn't a word, and second of all, I fail to see how any of this involves me." My patience was at an all-time low, and my strength was beginning to return to my battered body. The boards in this shack looked pretty rotten. Busting them shouldn't be too difficult.

"How can I put this in terms your monkey brain can understand...?" Fuck you. "Well, the Elements of Harmony trust you. You have become friends with them. What we wish you to do is to simply render them unable to perform their duties as Magical Guardians of Equestria."

"Okay, okay, good offer but-" I was cut off by another burst of red lightning, this one slicing across my stomach and leaving another, burn streaking messily up my body.

"You will be silent."

Party pooper.

"Now, you may be wondering how you're supposed to go about doing this," The navy blue stallion continued, nodding sagely, "and we gave it some thought for quite a while, too. For you see, Discord has, in the past, driven a wedge in the friendship of those bothersome fillies, and yet there was one among them who managed to reunite their little club. Twilight Sparkle. She has proven time and time again to be quite resourceful, and I believe that we've come up with an appropriate solution to our purple problem.

"You shall, along with one of our... associates... will retrieve a magical artifact of great power. You will not be told what the artifact is until you reach its location, and you will not be told where the artifact is. Your guide will lead the way. You must simply protect her and do our bidding at any cost. Any questions?"

You mean other than the bazillion your little monologue raised? "What's to stop me from just going back to Ponyville and telling everyone your grand scheme?"

Navy blue smiled. "While you were... sleeping, we took the liberty of placing certain enchantments on your person. Attempt to reveal anything of what we have discussed here, and I can assure you that the pain you feel will be most unpleasant. Anything else?"

"Why me!?" I spat, lashing wildly against my bonds. "Why the hell did you have to drag me from my home!? I have a father who's probably freaking out right now, and-"

"I'm afraid that information is on a need to know basis, ape-arms." Oh great, Myrrh the Cur was talking again. As if things weren't awesome enough.

"Now then, Slate, render our prisoner unconscious. We shall send Miss Trixie to collect him in the morning."

"Nononononononononono, you keep that horn at non-glow, little mist-" I was cut off once again as the great red brute brought a hoof down in my stomach, and followed up by another burst of red magic. As blackness began to envelop my world yet again, I heard Myrrh laugh again.

God I hate her.

The sun was beginning to set over Sweet Apple Acres, a beautiful mix of orange and purple. The rays of light bathed the farm in its warm glow, and Big Macintosh could be seen closing the barn up for the day. A certain tranquility had overtaken the Acres, one that was broken only by the farmhouse.

Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash were all huddled around Applejack's kitchen table, pouring over a map of the area that had been laid out against the smooth wood surface. The group had searched all day for their human friend, to no avail. Wherever James was, he certainly wasn't in Ponyville.

"Ungh, we've looked everywhere!" Rainbow Dash whined, resting her head in her hoof.

"Other than the deep Everfree, of course... But James might not even be in the area anymore. For all we know, his foalnappers have brought him halfway to Manehatten." Twilight Sparkle was exhausted; she had coordinated the search effort all day, and every volunteer group had come up with nothing.

"Alrigh', we ain't looked around the northern forest by the ol' castle yet! As a matter o' fact, Ah'm willin' ta bet that that's where they dragged James off to!" Applejack offered optimistically, standing up out of her chair and heading towards the door. Her friends all knew that the cheeriness was just a facade, but they didn't dare call her on it. The orange mare was taking the human's abduction hard, harder than the rest of them.

"Alright, Applejack, we can look. But tomorrow would probably be better," Twilight yawned, and rubbed her lavender eyes with her hooves. "

"Tomorrow!? We can't wait 'till tomorrow!" The farmer rebuked, her smiling mask beginning to crack. "If he's out there all night, there's no tellin' what kinda shenanigans he could get in to! An' who knows what those ponies who took him are doin'!"

"Come on, AJ, we'll all end up getting lost if we search during the dark." Rainbow Dash was exhausted after searching Ponyville and the surrounding forest all day with a hang over, and her patience was rapidly dwindling. "Besides, James is tough. If anyone can make it in the Everfree forest overnight with possibly dangerous foalnappers-"

"That's quite enough, Rainbow." Rarity warned. The snow-white mare had found the torn and burnt purple shirt that she had custom tailored for her alien friend, and feared the worst for the man wearing it. Even so, simply wouldn't do to go bringing up the worst case scenario.

Rainbow Dash, however, just kept talking. "-Besides, if it was the Discord cultists who got him, he's of more use to them alive then dead."

"Woah there, Nelly!" Applejack's emerald eyes flashed with anger, and she reared up on her hind legs. "When did we start talkin' 'bout James bein' dead!?"

"Applejack, I'm sure Rainbow was just-"

"Well AH'M sure that y'all are already writin' him off! When Nightmare Moon returned we went into the woods at night!"

"That was because there wouldn't be anything but night if we didn't." Twilight said in a concerned voice, trying to defuse the situation.

"Well the way Rainbow's talkin', she's given up on 'im! Element of loyalty my-"

"Applejack, please!" Rarity intervened again, this time, however, with a much sterner voice. "I understand that you're worried but that is simply not a reason to attack us! James is our friend as well, and it pains us all that we have to take a break. But it's necessary."

"Ya don't understand..." The southern cowpony whispered, her stetson hat pulled low over her eyes.

"Applejack, we all under-"

"Ah was the one who was bringin' James home, Ah was the one who didn't listen to 'im when he thought somethin' funny was up, Ah'm the one who didn't do a darned thing to help 'im. Ah just... ran off, an' let 'em get away with James..." Applejack's voice cracked, and she lowered her head slightly so that her hat covered her deeply expressive face.

There was an uncomfortable silence as her friends began to understand Applejack's manic drive to find James. "Oh Applejack," A yellow pegasus, Fluttershy, mumbled, "You shouldn't blame yourself. You were drinking, he was drinking, mistakes happen. It's noponies fault... Well, except for those nasty colts who foalnapped him, but you can't honestly blame yourself for that. Now, why don't I make you a cup of tea, and we can all just cool off for a little while."

The girls all nodded at this idea, weary from their physically and emotionally trying day. Applejack still looked rather glum, though most of the other Elements knew it couldn't be helped. She would just need to work through her inner turmoil by herself, as it was becoming increasingly clear that she would refuse any attempt the others made to alleviate her of responsibility.

Twilight Sparkle wasn't going to give up on her friend, though. "Listen, Applejack, you know James better than the rest of us, but we all care about him, and we will all find him. I know it's hard to just call it a night, but we can't save him if we're placed in danger as well. Whether you blame yourself or not, he needs us. If we go risking our lives stumbling around the Everfree, we might meet some danger that would prevent us from ever helping him. We can make a choice here, to sit around and wallow in guilt, or, we can come up with a game plan and play it safe. Besides, what would James say if he saw you sitting around here piling guilt onto yourself?"

Applejack snorted and smiled weakly. "...He'd probably come up with some stupid nickname for me, and tell me to get over myself."

Twilight smiled. "Exactly. Now, let's go get that tea, hmm?"

"Right. Thanks, sugarcube."

Man, being tied to wall sucks.

The ropes were digging in to my ankles and wrists, and the burn on my chest wasn't getting any better. I needed help, and I needed it now. The sun was beginning to set, however, and I knew that if Applejack and the others were smart, they would wait until morning to come looking for me.

That is, if Applejack made it home safe.

Surely the Discord Cultists would have told me if they had captured her as well though, wouldn't they? They seemed like the type to use any extra leverage they could get over me. Still, that placed Applejack and the others in danger.

My mind began to wander as I worked the ropes tying my arms above my head and to the rotting wall. When I had asked why they needed me specifically, they had refused to answer. What was it? Obviously, it was information that would give me some sort of advantage if I was privy to it. So it would be up to me to discover what plot these freaks were getting me tied up in.

The artifact, my mysterious guide 'Trixie'... In reality, I didn't know a whole lot. What were they planning to do to Twilight? What was to stop me from just... refusing?

As soon as the thought passed through my mind, the classic vision of my distraught father came up front and center in my minds eye. If I ever wanted to get back home, I would have literally no choice but to play their game. But... whatever they were planning for the Elements... for my friends... it probably wasn't too pleasant. I'm not sure if I can have a hand in it. I would just have to make a choice; be the only human on the planet, and live amongst ponies while my father slips deeply into depression, or ruin the lives of my new friends and save my dad?

I never even got my second glass of water.

Author's Note

Here's the new chapter. I hope you like it, despite the short length

James encounters resistance

"Apple."

"Egg."

"Grapefruit."

"Thyme."

"Eclair."

"Radish."

"Hummus."

"S... S..." Trixie thought for moment, her eyes screwed shut in concentration. "Sandwich!"

"Hamburger."

She frowned. "What's a hamburger?"

"Trust me, you don't wanna know."

"Hmmm..." The pale blue unicorn's brow furrowed in thought for a moment as we walked along the dirt road in the middle of nowhere. "R... R... R... Reg... ulus. Regulus."

"That's not a food!"

"Yes it is! It's an Equestrian dish! With lots of cucumber!"

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. "Why is it that whenever we play this I find out about a new Equestrian food that I've NEVER heard of before, and you always end up winning because of it!?"

She shrugged and kept walking, a slightly disturbing sight considering she was a quadruped. "'Tis the price of sucking." She replied simply.

"You know, I'm gettin' REAL tired of your shit, Trixie."

The unicorn looked affronted for a moment, but then just huffed sulkily and flipped her icy-blue mane over her shoulder, holding her nose high up in the air. Silent treatment? I could live with that.

The two of us had been travelling for four days towards some unknown destination in search of some unknown ancient artifact of 'unimaginable power'. Whatever it was, it apparently wasn't anywhere near civilzation of any kind, for the two of us had walked for days (me, of course, carrying all of the camping supplies that I barely got to use) without seeing a town, and I was beginning to worry. We were low on food, and I was pretty damn sure Trixie wouldn't be making us any "Regulus".

We walked in silence for a while, and my thoughts began to trail off. I wonder what Applejack's doing right now? It's about noon... She's probably finishing up the last few apple trees before lunch time with Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom. I smiled to myself as I remembered how the red headed filly had, the day before I was abducted, attempted to induct me into the Cutie Mark Crusaders, much to Applejack's chagrin.

"James already told y'all, humans don't get cutie marks!"

"But Applejack," she had whined, "Havin' an alien in the club might be just the kick we need to get our 'Alien Ambassador' cutie marks!"

"Apple Bloom, if y'all DO manage to get Alien Ambassador cutie marks, than you'll have ONE Alien to actually be an Ambassador for."

"... Okay, so no aliens."

Thinking about it still brought a warm feeling, and my smile widened slightly. No matter how miserable I was being Trixie's pack mule (irony) in a grand game of terrorist pony chess, at least I still had my friends back in Ponyville. At least... I hope I do. I dunno what these jerks were gonna do with Twilight, but I had a feeling it wasn't too good.

"Human!" Trixie barked, startling me and causing me to jump.

"Alright, is 'James' really that hard to remember? It's one syllable. One."

"The Great and Powerful Tr-" She began, but I cut her off with an un-amused grunt.

"Spare me, Sparkly Wand." I must have heard her use that damn title like... a million times, now.

She huffed again. "We shall be reaching the town of Silverberg in three hours time. Whilst there, we must procure some information from the locals. The Great and Powerful Trixie shall do all of the talking, understand? Under no circumstances may you open your mouth, lest you incur Trixie's wrath. Oh, and if you run for help..." She paused and grinned. "Zap."

I grimaced at the memory of the first time I tried to seek assistance from a pony we passed on the trail. There had been a flash of red, a lot of pain, and some embarrassing convulsions. "... Fine. In return, you admit Regulus isn't a real food."

If she heard me, she gave no indication of it, and just kept up a brisk trot in front of me. You know what, I think I'll just order a helping of 'Regulus' next time we're in town. Then we'll see who the clever one is.

We continued for another couple hours in relative silence. We only passed one other pony, a unicorn who looked at me like I was from another planet. Appropriate. Finally, I decided to press Trixie for some more answers. What did I have to lose?

"Hey, Blue Magic!" I called up to her, and she turned her head. "C'mere!"

She flashed me a look of disdain, but dropped back to walk next to me anyway. "What is it, monkey?"

"I just wanted to talk." I flashed her a disarming smile and gave her a little pat on the head, which earned me quick zap to the hand. "Okay. No touching. That's cool." I waved my hand trying to get the pain out and sighed. "Why are you doing this, Trixie?"

A look of confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you helping those Discord Cultists? They're some seriously nasty pieces of work. And while you're not exactly a peach, you don't strike me as an inherently bad perso- pony. Besides, they told me themselves; they don't care about anyone outside of their little clique. They won't give you a position of power."

She laughed, surprising me. "This isn't about power, my naive little human. This is about revenge, against the foolish unicorn Twilight Sparkle!" As she finished talking, she reared up on her back hooves and summoned some lightning to flash in the background. Classy.

"Twilight? What did she do to you?"

And so, she explained to me how she, a humble and eager showmare, had arrived in Ponyville one day with hopes to 'wow' the locals. However, Twilight Sparkle and all of her friends made fun of her, and called her terrible names. Then, they put two neighborhood colts up to finding an Ursa Minor in the nearby Everfree Forest in order to kill her. Crying, she fled town, and when she looked back, she witnessed Twilight Sparkle murder a puppy and drink its blood.

"So when did Megatron show up?" I asked, reminded of a certain drunken story I may or may not have fabricated.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. So Twilight Sparkle tried to murder you, and now what?" I was getting excited. She was close to slipping, I just knew it.

"Now we go to Silverberg and acquire the Map of Supreme Destiny," She stated smugly, looking at me as if I should be deeply impressed.

I whistled. "Dramatic. Again, I have to ask, why do you need me for this?"

She released a deep, drawn out sigh and dramatically rolled her eyes. I had to admit, as much as I thought she was a bitch, she certainly did know how to put on a good show. "Because if ponies touch it they-" She froze, and glared at me. "Mind your own business!" She shouted and trotted ahead again.

"Actually, it kind of is my business!" I called after her. Jerk. I hefted the heavy backpack I was toting and jogged to catch up to her. Not gonna lie, so far this wasn't one of my better vacations.

"So... this is Silverberg..." I stated unnecessarily. Obviously it was Silverberg, we were standing in front of a giant, silver sign that read "Welcome to Silverberg: Mystery Capital of Equestria". It was actually a really pretty town; a giant mountain loomed in the near distance, and a waterfall crashed down from somewhere halfway up the behemoth. A giant lake pooled at the bottom, and the town was built a short distance from there. The lake itself was bathed an orange colour in the sunset, and a multitude of trees stood around it's shores, lending the area a very tranquil, sleepy feeling. Already I decided that I liked it here. The houses themselves were built large and sturdy, and it reminded me a little bit of Ponyville, but smaller.

"Hey, Trix, this place is actually pretty romantic. I'm flattered," I teased.

For a moment, she gave me a look I wasn't quite able to comprehend. It was somewhere between revulsion and deep, disturbing curiosity. Okay, no more using the 'r' word. I shifted uncomfortably, and hefted the heavy load on my back, feeling the straps dig in to the large, ill-fitting travel coat I had been provided. My still badly scarred chest was easily visible through the open jacket, and I wondered if I would ever totally heal.

"R-romantic!? This!? Please! Trixie has seen better romantic settings be dropped from a dragon's behind!" She laughed nervously, and I shuddered a little. Didn't need THAT mental image.

"Right. So where are we headed here, Trixie? Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of places that scream 'Powerful Artifacts, ten bits a pop.'" I asked, looking around at the few ponies who were still out and about. Most of them gave me some weird looks, but I didn't care. After spending this long on an alien planet, weird looks were as commonplace as breathing.

"We're meeting a contact in the local tavern. Remember; no talking, and if you try and run off, you'll be burnt to a crisp."

I sighed. "Story of my life..." Soon, the two of us were walking through Silverberg, and I found myself quickly entranced by the subtle beauty of the town. Despite it being summer, leaves coated the ground, creating a beautiful orange blanket in which the local townsfolk all swished through, little clouds of leaves puffing up here and there from their movement. Actually, it kind of reminded me of home.

Dad and I used to avoid raking the leaves for as long as possible so that we could heap a ton of them into one large pile for us to play in. I remember this one time, some of our neighbours passing the house were whispering amongst themselves that ever since my mom and sister passed away, my father stopped taking care of our place. But they didn't understand. They would never understand. We did what we did in order to share something special; not to appeal to public opinion on who's home had the best curb appeal.

Actually, it was about that time of year, again. Maybe dad was raking the leaves up as I stood here, arranging them in a huge heap, just like the old days. Sure, I was too old to play in leaves now, but... even the mere creation of a monument to happier days would be welcome, whether or not it was actually used.

An irritating, droning noise disturbed my reflections and I blinked rapidly, removing the layer of glaze that had formed over my eyes. What...?

"...ut then, suddenly, Twilight Sparkle. Her face covered in puppy blood and laughing maniacally, I watched in horror as she slowly turned around, lit her horn up, and-"

Of course. "Trixie," I interrupted.

"Hmm?"

"You've told me this one."

"Ah. Well the Great and Pow-"

"I swear to God, finish that sentence and we're going to have a serious problem."

Trixie glared at me for a moment, and stopped her steady march through Silverberg's ever present blanket of leaves. "You know, for somepony who cracks a lot of bad jokes, you have a startling intolerance for the quirks of others."

My eye twitched, and I could feel anger rising through me, a red hot wave scorching its way though my heart. "You know, it might have something to do with the fact that I was knocked unconscious, tortured, enslaved, and dragged all across Equestria in search of some overblown map."

"Cry Trixie a river, build a bridge, and get over it." She sniffed, and just kept walking. That pony really pushes my peeve button. Then again, most of the ponies that I've been meeting these days have been. "Now then, human, we are coming up on the local tavern, The Wary Griffon. True to its name, the bartender and owner of this less than stellar establishment is a very wary griffon, and many of his customers are also griffons. They are a proud race, and if you slight them in any way, they will very likely attack you. So effective immediately, you are not to speak. Is Trixie clear?"

I merely nodded. Talking to the blue pony was getting very old, very quickly anyways. She smiled at my mute motion and continued onwards to a large, stone building that was brimming with life and energy. While outwardly it was cold and grey, golden light leaked through the windows, and the sounds of music and raucous laughter echoed out from within. I pulled the old 'not bad' face, and the two of us started for the entrance. Maybe I could get a drink while I was here.

As soon as the oak door swung open, however, all signs of life froze where they were. Ponies and griffons alike stopped mid motion and stared at us. The huge amounts of noise dropped drastically in an instant, and I suddenly understood why Trixie didn't want me to talk. I was guessing these folks didn't see new faces too often, much less an alien one.

Slowly, the two of us made our way across the dead-silent tavern. You know, back on Earth, I'd seen my fair share of horror movies. The Shining, Insidious, you know... typical fare. But being in an absolutely silent room filled with creatures all staring daggers at you was damn near the creepiest thing I've ever experienced. After an awkward ten seconds of ambling forwards, the two of us found an empty table and took a couple seats, leaving three more empty. Presumably for Trixie's contacts.

"Remember," she whispered, "not. A. Word."

I nodded again, and dropped my gaze to the rough, circular table we were seated at and tried to look nonchalant. After a brief time, life began to pick back up in the bar, and ponies and griffons resumed their merry-making, albeit with some cautious glances thrown in. After a short time, a grey unicorn mare with an unkempt, shaggy coat approached our table.

"What's yer poison?" She asked in a backwater British accent. Great, I'd found Rarity from Hell.

"Trixie will have a flagon of hard cider. My monkey won't have anything." Trixie replied for both of us, and I shot her a sour look. Monkey!? That wasn't gonna fly.

"I'll have a cider too, actually," I piped up, and the bar went silent again.

"OI!" Nega-Rarity yelled, "This thing kin talk!"

Well there goes that plan.

"Oh, no no no!" Trixie backpedaled, eyes flashing with barely suppressed anger. "He's just like a parrot! He likes to repeat simple phrases he hears! Really, he's quite the dolt."

The haggard looking grey mare stared at me for a moment, and I fought to hold a sneer of disgust. Until she proved she could make me a sweet purple t-shirt, I wasn't terribly impressed with the loud mouth. "... Well tha's pretty cute, I guess..." she mumbled. "OI! FALSE ALARM EVERYPONY! Ee's just a parrot monkey!"

Some general mumbles of approval, and conversation resumed again.

"WHAT did Trixie tell you about talking!?" My rude companion hissed, and I shrugged in a very 'deal with it' manner. I'm a grown man. What the hell are a bunch of ponies gonna do to a grown man?

Other than kidnap, torture, and force me to go on an evil road trip with Mean Magic over here.

Minutes passed, and I was beginning to get restless. Every now and then, Trixie would glance at a silver pocket watch she had concealed in her cape, before taking a small sip of her cider. At least that mare had levitated me a mug of cider, as per my request. It pissed Trixie off a little, but that didn't bother me for some strange, unknowable reason.

Finally, three new griffons entered the bar and made their way to our table. I had to assume they were regulars due to the fact that the world didn't end upon their entrance, a fact I filed away mentally. If I ever got out of here, knowing that Silverberg was host to some shady characters would prove useful in Celestia's investigation into the Discord Cultists.

Our business partners took their seats, and Trixie snorted. "You're late."

The griffon in the middle, a female by the sounds of her voice, rolled her eyes. "Don't you lecture me, Trixie. We have the map. See?" She grabbed a dusty, aged scroll out of her bags, and placed it on the middle of the table, eyeing me carefully. The other two griffons, males from the looks of them, nodded and cracked their talons menacingly. At least, it would have been menacing had these things not been around half my height. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was only brought along to intimidate. If so, they could have picked way better humans.

"Unfortunately," She continued, "We ran into some trouble getting it. We're gonna have to up the ante."

"Up the ante...!?" Trixie looked worried. "We agreed on five-hundred bits, Gilda!"

The female, Gilda, shrugged. "Times change, Trixie. It'll be one-thousand bits now." She leaned back in her chair, and the corners of her beak rose up in a smug little smile. I hate smug.

"One-thousand bits!? That's outrageous!" The blue unicorn spluttered. "All you had to do was swipe it from a stinking museum!"

"Well if it was so easy, why didn't you do it!?" The raspy voice of the griffon responded, getting steadily louder.

"Because the Great and Powerful Trixie, unlike some less reputable ponies, does not soil her hooves with grunt work."

"Grunt work!?" Gilda fumed, and slammed a talon on the table, cutting small grooves into the wood. Okay, that was kind of intimidating. "Do you know how long we had to plan to break in there!?"

"Just because you were too dim to figure out how to relieve a single piece of paper from the Royal Equestrian Museum of History, it doesn't make it any less grunt-y." Heh. Gruntie. Like Banjo-Kazooie. Dammit, James, focus!

"Fifteen-hundred bits!" Gilda shouted, and her friends started spreading their wings, attempting to make themselves look bigger.

"We had a deal, griffon," Trixie spat, rising slowly from the small chair.

"The deal changed, unicorn," She replied, and the three griffons also began rising. I really didn't like where this was going.

"Trixie..." I murmured, keeping my seat. "Let's not let this get out of hand..."

"SILENCE!!!" Trixie screamed at me, eyes wide and mane flying behind her. Fine. be that way. The rest of the bar was silent again, and I silently considered the possibility that there was like a reverse "applause" sign hidden somewhere in here, letting everyone know when shit was going down. "YOU SHALL RELINQUISH THE MAP, FEATHERBRAIN!"

"NOT A CHANCE, HORN HEAD!" All of them were standing now, leaning over the table and staring daggers at each other, Trixie looking vastly outnumbered.

I sighed, finished off my cider, reached over for Trixie's, finished hers, and got up. "Alright, folks, let's keep our hats on-"

"OI! It DOES TALK!!!" Alright, I'm buying a muzzle for Bizarro over there. I shot her a withering glare, and held my hands up.

"Look, we can all walk out of here without incident. Trixie, pay them the thousand. Gilda, was it? Fifteen-hundred bits is a little much. However, we appreciate your services, and thank you greatly for them." Who says I was a bad negotiator?

"YOU DARE TALK DOWN TO ME, ALIEN FREAK!?" Gilda screeched, flexing her claws and spreading her wings. Well fuck.

"Kick its ass, Gilda!"

"Don't let him talk to you like that!"

"Somebody make this thing into a rug!"

"HAS HE NOW SHAME!?"

The other patrons of the tavern were screaming for my blood, and a general atmosphere of anarchy was forming. "Wha...!? I was trying to avoid this!" I yelled out at the crowd, shocked.

"It's lying now, too!?"

"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"

"EVERYPONY RUN!"

"Stand your ground! We shall slay this foul beast yet!"

I gulped, and heard a little 'ahem' from beside me. Trixie was glaring at me with an eyebrow raised, eyes flashing with barely suppressed anger. "Remember what I told you about keeping your mouth shut?" I considered pointing out that she had spoken in first person, but quickly realized that this wasn't the time.

I nodded, and glanced around at the crowd slowly closing into our table, Gilda and her flunkies staring us down. "Ya... Ya, I might remember something about that." The crowd of ponies and griffons was drawing tighter around us, and I could practically feel the hatred in their collective gaze.

Trixie cleared her throat, and kicked her chair away. "EVERYPONY!" She yelled out to the advancing mob, "There's something you should all know. This creature is, in fact, not a parrot monkey. Indeed, Trixie does not even believe that such a ludicrous thing exists."

"Kinda like regulus...?"

"However, it does come equipped with laser eyes, super strength, and the ability to suck out your souls with its omnivorous mouth. And yes, it does eat ponies."

Silence. The crowd stopped advancing, and even Gilda seemed subdued for a moment. The wooden floorboards creaked under the collective weight of all the bar patron and I grinned at them weakly, showing off my canine teeth.

"Now then!" Trixie continued, "We shall be on our way! If anyone follows us, my beast shall not hesitate to munch upon your bones in front of your family, a deed that it seems to enjoy a little too much." Slowly, we started backing away from the table, through the splitting crowd. We were actually gonna make it out of here!

"He eats ponies, huh?" Gilda piped up. "Well, she didn't say anything about griffons. GET 'IM!"

There was a flurry of movement as every griffon in the bar all leaped at me simultaneously. "WOAHFUCK!" I cried out, and threw myself backwards, narrowly avoiding a deadly flurry of talons and snapping beaks. "TRIXIE! TIME TO GO!"

"RIGHT BEHIND YOU!" She screamed, and levitated the map into her saddle bag. Gilda's buddies released an enraged squawk, and lunged at her, predatory instinct aflame in their eyes. Trixie squealed and leapt into my arms, earning her a surprised glare from me. "MOVE IT, JAMES, GOGOGO!"

I nodded and took off running, Trixie screaming in my arms and trembling with fear. It would be cute if she wasn't such a bitch. A huge, brown and gold griffon threw a punch my way as I passed him, forcing to me duck underneath his overly muscled arms. The blow did, however, connect with a pony I was passing at the time, and his buddies all roared their outrage, jumping into the fray to exact their vengance.

A full on bar-brawl had broken out, tables flipping and mugs shattering. A pony sailed past me, and slammed painfully into the wall next to the door. I kept running, hopping over debris and sidling around sparring beasts of mythology. Never thought I'd see the day...

"THE MAP!" A familiar voice cried out from behind me, and I turned my head to see Gilda soaring at me, claws outstretched. She was moving fast, too fast to dodge. So I did the next best thing.

Without thinking, I turned and lifted Trixie up and out of the way with my left arm, whilst at the same time bringing my right arm around in a swinging motion. My fist made contact squarely between her eyes, and she released a pained caw before she was sent flying right back into the confused mass of drunk, violent creatures. I spun on my heel and dashed out the door, feeling mighty proud of myself.

I ran for what seemed to be hours, eager to put as much distance as possible between myself and the town of Silverberg. What shame; it had actually seemed to be a pretty nice place. Quickly, we made our way towards the towering mountain, seeking refuge in the rocky spire.

"Alright... Trixie..." I panted as we reached its base, "Can you... phew... can you find us a little cave or something?"

She scoffed. "Please! The Great and Powerful-"

"Not. Another. Word."

The blue mare bit her lip and nodded, lighting up the rocks with a small light emanating from her horn. Thankfully, it seemed there was a small, inwards curvature just large enough for a human and a pony to curl up in for the night. Slowly, we squeezed in, lamenting the loss of our camping supplies, which had been left behind.

"Well..." I said, shifting around so I could talk to my over-zealous slaver face to muzzle, "At least you got your map."

"Yes..." She mumbled, fidgeting with her hooves. She looked lost in thought for a moment, before she raised her head to make eye contact with me, a new, strange light burning in them.

"You were very brave, James," Trixie said suddenly, which surprised me.

"Uh... Thanks, Sherry Showmare."

She pressed in closer to me. Oh god.

"Trixie perhaps misjudged you."

She was forcibly pushing on me now, her face coming creepily closer to mine. "You saved Trixie tonight. Trixie thinks that she should reward her loyal sidekick."

Her face was directly in front of mine now, and I considered just screaming madly and surrendering myself back to the griffons. This had to be a dream, or a nightmare. There was no way that this was really happening.

"You may kiss Trixie, if you like." Her lips puckered expectantly, and she closed her eyes. There it was. The queen of bi polar unicorns herself, ladies and gentlemen.

I placed a hand on her mouth, gently pushing her away and giving her a broad grin. "Frankly, Trix, I'd rather kiss the griffon."