Ridin' Wif Da Boyz

by iowaforever

Rating: teen
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Adventure, Crossover, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 7066

A mob of orks arrives in Equestria. This won't end well

Ork Nob 'Eadsmasha and his boyz were having the time of their lives: hijacking vehicles, stomping Chaos 'umies, making noise, everything a good ork could wish for. But when they are caught between Chaos and weirdboyz, they are sent to a world with no war, not much in the way of noise, not even a decent fungus beer.
Can they find something to do before they snap and start a new WAAAGH! in Equestria?

Published 2013-01-14 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-12 02:37:36 UTC

Da Problem wif Weirdboyz

Da Problem wif Weirdboyz

What the planet was called had been lost of centuries; a small speck of rock near the Eye of Terror, it had been an agri-world until the Ruinous Powers had attacked and overrun it, slaughtering or enslaving every single living being they could find. Temples to the Four Gods of Chaos had replaced silos and warehouses, icons of depravity and pestilence dotted the landscape, and thousands of cultists and converts gave their lives and bodies to bring forth the armies of the Dark Gods. The shattered remains of Astartes and Imperial Guard vehicles lay rotting in the scorched plains of the planet, evidence of constant attempts by humanity to drive the Chaos warbands back into the Warp from whence they came. To the Imperium, the planet was blasphemy of the highest degree, to the powers of Chaos it was a bastion from which to spread their power.

To the orks, it was fun.

Nob ‘Eadsmasha hoisted a Word Bearer above his head, the pistons in his power klaw easily crushing the heavy armor of the Chaos Space Marine. With a roar he hurled the corpse into the enemy squadron, showering them with blood and knocking several to the ground. The Marines could do little to stop the ork’s rampage, and ‘Eadsmasha ripped through the squad like an angry squig amongst a group of Grots. Around him, his boyz hacked apart daemons and Marines with crudely fashioned axes and machetes, hooting and bellowing at the top of their lungs.

Not wanting his boyz to have all the fun, ‘Eadsmasha leveled his shoota and fired into the next squad, the gun rattling in his hand and barely managing to drown out his laughter. Had he been a bit more patient with the rokkit attachment, then he could have enjoyed the experience of watching a Word Bearer be blown apart at the seams (always good fun for the Painboyz to try and put them back together), but his natural impulse to shoot something had found the rokkit buried in some daemon’s eye when they first landed. Not that he cared; his shoota was loud and he had gotten a chance to kill Chaos boyz, and he was happy.

“Oi! Boss!” ‘Eadsmasha pulled his attention away for a moment to spot Mekboy Gearbrainz running up to him, his kustom mega-blasta crackling with energy. “Dem Chaos boyz iz pullin’ out dere weirdboyz, and we’z can’t bash ‘em fast enough!”

“Try shootin’ dem!” one problem ‘Eadsmasha had with his boyz was that they were always enthusiastic about getting into melee (then, which ork wasn’t) but at the expense of never actually shooting the enemy to soften them up. With the almost constant fighting the WAAAGH! had endured since they had landed, ‘Eadsmasha had had to replace his mob about four times over due to the enemy being prepared for their charges.

“We’z tried dat, but dem Chaos boyz iz ‘ard ‘n stuff... and one of da boyz went fer a ride on ‘is own rokkit, blew up a big wagon and a buncha other boyz too.” ‘Eadsmasha chuckled before looking around. More mobs of boyz were rushing past him, and the newly arrived Chaos sorcerers blew them apart with psychic attacks while the Chaos Space Marines rallied for a charge. A Predator tank rolled over a rise in the ground and fired, daemonically enhanced weapons spewing death into the tide of greenskins. The Predator proved to be his inspiration, and ‘Eadsmasha grinned as he slung his shoota over his shoulder.

“Ey boyz, I got me an idea!” the remaining boyz in his mob gathered around him. “Dat wagon dere’z tearin’ up da boyz, roight?”

“Yeah.” the orks replied.

“But we’z can turn it around and den it’ll start tearin’ up da Chaos boyz, roight?”

“Yeah Boss... How we do dat?” ‘Eadsmasha had to resist the urge to hit himself in the head with his own power klaw.

“We’z run over dere and krump da Chaos ladz, den we’z take da wagon fer ourselvez!”

“Great idea, Boss!” ‘Eadsmasha chuckled and raised his shoota.

“Last one ta da wagon is a filthy Grot-luvva! WAAAGH!!!” ‘Eadsmasha charged forward, his shoota belching lead at the Chaos forces surrounding the Predator. Some died, collapsing as heavy bullets found weak spots in their armor, but the shoddy ork gun meant that most of his bullets went wide or buried themselves into the ground. Not that ‘Eadsmasha cared, for in the next moment he was among the Daemonic enemy, lunging forward with his power klaw and ripping another Word Bearer’s chest off. Behind him, Gearbrainz fired his mega-blasta into the fray, a beam of concentrated energy punching through two Word Bearers before fizzling out. The rest of the boyz lay in with shootas, sluggas and choppas, and soon the ground was muddy from the blood of slain combatants.

True to his position as Boss, ‘Eadsmasha reached the Predator first. The tank’s occupants must have spotted him, for the pintle-mounted heavy bolter swiveled around to meet the nob as he charged forward. Undaunted, ‘Eadsmasha grabbed the heavy weapon with his power klaw and yanked backwards, ripping it from the side of the Predator and causing it to fire harmlessly into the air. Now with an opening, ‘Eadsmasha leapt into the tank followed closely by Gearbrainz, the orks’ eyes easily adjusting to the low light of the Predator’s interior. One Chaos Marine leapt down from the turret, chainaxe revving as he advanced upon the intruders.

“You dare to face me in combat, greenskin?” the Marine bellowed, raising his axe. “Your blood shall be a fine feast for the Dark Gods!” The Marine prepared to attack, but Gearbrainz raised his mega-blasta and baked the enemy’s head.

“And yer brainz’ll taste good wif a nice fungus beer.” the mekboy said before stowing his mega-blasta and pulling out his tools. More boyz piled in, some helping the mek fix up the hole in the tank while others crawled up into the turret or up the side of the tank in preparation for the fight to come. ‘Eadsmasha, joined by two boyz named Gorechoppa and Redwheelz, made his way to the front of the Predator and ripped the door off its hinges, exposing the two Chaos Marines driving the tank.

“‘ello dere. Mind if we’z have a chat?” Gorechoppa said before stabbing the spiky bit of his choppa into the first Marine’s face. The second reached for a bolt pistol, but Redwheelz’s slugga took off the Marine’s head and caused the corpse to spasm around before collapsing against the far wall. The three orks crammed into the cabin, pushing the dead Chaos Marines out before checking on the controls.

“You’z can drive dis thing, roight?” ‘Eadsmasha asked as Redwheelz settled down in the driver’s seat.

“Yeah boss; give me a minute ta get familia wif da controls and we’z got ourselves a wagon.”

“‘e don’t know what da zog ‘e’s doin’.” Gorechoppa grunted.

“Oi! Shut yer gob ‘fore I rip it off and use it fer squig-bait!” Redwheelz looked back at the controls. “‘Kay, let’s see wot happens when we’z pull dis lever here.” the ork pulled the aforementioned lever, and the Predator slowly turned towards the Chaos line. “‘Kay, dat’s good. Now we’z push dis button here.” As Redwheelz pushed the button, the tank stopped moving and fell silent, much to the confusion of the orks in the back.

“Ya turned it off, ya stupid git!” Gorechoppa shouted before Redwheelz slammed his fist into the other ork’s face, knocking him back and causing several teef to fall out.

“Zog off, I’m drivin’ ‘ere!” Seeing that Gorechoppa was going to be a liability, ‘Eadsmasha grabbed the boy and pulled him out of the compartment, throwing him in the general direction of Gearbrainz and the other boyz. “Now, we’z push dat again.” the tank roared back to life, causing Redwheelz to grin. He pulled a cigar from one of his pockets and set to work once it was lit. “Roight den; now we’z can stomp ‘em good!” Redwheelz pushed another lever and the Predator shot forward, the orks clinging to the top barely managing to hold on as they raced towards the forces of Chaos.

The Chaos Marines fired everything they could, but the Predator was moving too fast for an accurate shot. Some held their ground, while others ducked away to avoid getting squashed beneath the treads of the tank and it’s insane drive. Redwheelz hollered as Marines and daemons were sent flying, the tracks and hull of his new toy becoming flecked with red and black blood. The ork in the turret swung the autocannon around and fired, heavy shells blowing apart anything unlucky to be caught in the cannon’s arc of fire.

Unfortunately, Redwheelz’s rampage had to come to an end; a Land Raider, drawn by the carnage the orks were causing, rolled forward and fired, lasbolts and heavy cannon shells blowing orks and armor off the side of the Predator. Undaunted, Redwheelz floored the Predator towards the Land Raider, hoping to ram the enemy tank and destroy it. However, by some stroke of luck the treads of the ork’s hijacked vehicle hit the treads of the Land Raider, and with the slope of the Land Raider’s hull the Predator was sent flying into the air, over the Land Raider, and into a large squad of Terminators, squishing many of them. The orks on the side were flung off, but managed to recover and resumed their fight against the Chaos forces. ‘Eadsmasha unslung his shoota and left the cockpit, Redwheelz following behind.

“Why’z ya always got ta wreck everythin’ I try’z ta fix?” Gearbrainz said, returning his tools to his pockets.

“Coz it’s fun, dat’s why.” ‘Eadsmasha punched open one of the top hatches and climbed out, shooting a Chaos Marine in the face once he was free of the wrecked Predator. His boyz had fallen back to the wreckage, but more boyz had reached them and were pressing against the Chaos forces. ‘Eadsmasha, Redwheelz, Gearbrainz and the others leapt from the Predator and charged, reloading their shootas and sluggas and pouring bullets into the enemy.

“Greenskins!” a voice boomed over the battlefield. ‘Eadsmasha and his boyz looked up as a Chaos Sorcerer, clad in warped Terminator Armor, marched towards them surrounded by dozens of Bloodletters. “Your sacrifice and bloodlust has brought many welcoming tributes to the Dark Gods! They, however, will only be satiated by your own blood. Give back that which belongs to them, and perhaps your deaths will be swift!”

“We’z only givvin’ ya bullets fer ya ta choke on!” ‘Eadsmasha bellowed, raising his shoota in the air. “We’z da bosses ‘ere new, and no weird ‘umie’s gonna be tellin’ us wot ta give. Yer ‘eads gonna go on me trophy rack roight next ta dem Space Marines I stomped on da last planet we hit!”

“You dare to associate me with those weakling that serve the False Emperor?”

“You’z ain’t so tough yerself.” ‘Eadsmasha prepared to charge, lowering his shoota to gun down anyone in his path, but an odd clanking caught his attention. He looked quickly over his shoulder and saw a mob of Burnas being lead by a Weirdboy, the warp-infused ork glowing with WAAAGH! energy.

“Uh, Boss?” Gorechoppa said. “Maybe we’z shouldn’t be between da weirdboy and da Chaos boyz.”

“Dat’z probably a good idea.” ‘Eadsmasha turned. “Boyz! Get back to da wagon ‘fore da weirdboyz-” ‘Eadsmasha never got to finish, for the Chaos sorcerer and the weirdboy launched their attacks at the exactly same instant, dark magic and WAAAGH! energy exploding over ‘Eadsmasha’s mob. The orks below could only watch in terror as the two forces collided and mixed, ripping open an angry hole that began to devour all around it. ‘Eadsmasha tried to dig in by burying the blades of his power klaw in the dirt, but the pull of the tear in reality was too strong and he was sent hurtling into the unknown. As his mob disappeared, the hole closed and vanished along with them, the orks and Chaos Marines not caring where the unlucky mob had been sent.

.................

At Spike’s insistence, Twilight Sparkle was taking a nap, the purple unicorn curled up on her bed with a book resting near her head. She snuggled into her covers and sighed, her tail and limbs going numb as her body relaxed.

Spike’s right; I should do this more often. She thought. She would have allowed herself to relax even more and go to sleep had not her horn began to tingle and spark with energy. Puzzled, she sat up and looked at her horn, watching as it sparked and fizzled with energy. She looked outside, frowning when she saw that nothing was happening. It was a perfectly normal day in Ponyville, and everypony was going about their business completely unaware that something was wrong.

“Why’s my magic overreacting?” she muttered, climbing out of bed and walking to the window. A second survey showed that nothing was wrong, although there seemed to be a small patch of clouds over the Everfree forest.

“Spike? Are you down there?”

“Yeah Twilight.” Spike called. “Is something wrong?”

“Maybe... Can you take a letter to Princess Celestia?”

“Sure thing. Let me just finish putting these books away and I’ll get that all set up.” Twilight nodded and looked back towards the Everfree forest, watching the clouds. Small flashes of lightning caught her eye, and she thought she saw something fall from the clouds, adding to the growing suspicion that something was very wrong.

Why does everything bad have to happen to Ponyville?

Author's Note

This was actually my first idea for a Warhammer crossover I had.
Anyway, I doubt that orks could hijack a Chaos vehicle like they did here, but it was the first thing that came to mind.
I don't own My Little Pony or Warhammer 40K; they belong to Hasbro and Game's Workshop respectively. Likes and comments are appreciated, and if I screwed something up please let me know.

Up Da Riva Wifout a Zoggin' Paddle

Up Da Riva Wifout a Zoggin’ Paddle

“Wot da zog ‘appened?” ‘Eadsmasha groaned and pulled himself to his feet, his shoota falling off his back and landing on the ground with a clatter. Around him, other orks pushed weapons and branches off of themselves, with some having to pull themselves out of a nearby river. ‘Eadsmasha looked around and made a quick count: Twenty boyz still living, and a couple dozen corpses from other mobs that weren’t so lucky.

“Dem weirdboyz musta hit each other’n we’z da ones who got krumped.” Gearbrainz said, the mek fetching his mega-blasta from a nearby tree.

“If we’z get back ta da WAAAGH!, I’m findin’ dat weirdboy and feedin’ ‘im ‘is own lungs.” ‘Eadsmasha looked around and saw his mangled power klaw. Two of the blades had been snapped off, and the last one was now incredibly dull. “Oi, Gearbrainz! Once we findz some loot yer fixin’ me power klaw!”

“Roight, Boss.” ‘Eadsmasha tossed his power klaw in the general direction of the mek and began searching the corpses for a new weapon. He found the remains of a nob, the ork’s head smeared over a large rock and a large chainaxe in his hand. ‘Eadsmasha grabbed his new choppa and turned to the boyz.

“‘Kay boyz, here’s da plan; we’z not at da WAAAGH!, so we’z gonna walk dat way,” he pointed away from the river. “Until we’z find da WAAAGH!”

“Uh, Boss.” Redwheelz said, raising his hand. “Da place with da Chaos boyz didn’t ‘ave any of dese ‘ere trees.” ‘Eadsmasha thought for a moment.

“Got me anuvva idea. Dem ‘umies is everywhere, roight?”

“Yeah.”

“Den dere must be some ‘umies here, and dey’z probably got all kind’za fancy loot fer us ta take. We’z loot ‘em, den we’z build us a nice big krooza and goes and finds da WAAAGH!”

“Great!” Gorechoppa shouted, raising his choppa into the air.

“But,” Gearbraiz said. “Wot if dere ain’t no ‘umies?” the other orks in the group looked at the mek.

“Den we’z wait until we’z got a lot of boyz, build our own krooza, and we’z got our own WAAAGH!.” ‘Eadsmasha looked away from his boyz. “Do I hafta do all da plannin’ round ‘ere?”

“Dat’s why yer da Boss.” Redwheelz chuckled. ‘Eadsmasha picked up his shoota and fished another rokkit from a pack slung across his back, attaching it to the gun.

“Roight den. Let’z find some ‘umies ta stomp!” the orks roared in agreement and marched after their Boss, using their choppas to hack away at brush and trees.

.................

Princess Celestia stood on her personal balcony, looking out over Equestria. Beside her rested Twilight’s message concerning some disturbances with her internal magic and clouds over the Everfree Forest. Celestia knew that Twilight was in no danger from her magic overloading, and the clouds had disappeared as soon as they had arrived.

It was what fell out of the clouds that had her worried.

“Sister, you requested my presence?” Celestia turned her head and saw Luna land behind her, the dark alicorn suppressing a yawn before walking forward.

“Yes, Luna. I trust you have felt the disturbance earlier today?”

“If you mean ‘woken up by firing a lightning bolt through my wall’, then yes. Is everything alright?”

“Well, I can safely say that the fabric of reality is not collapsing in on us.” Celestia looked towards the Everfree Forest. “But I fear that something else may be coming.”

“What?”

“Remember when we were younger, and Father allowed us a peek at the multiverse?”

“Yes.” Luna shuddered. “Loyalty’s Bearer is terrifying as a fashionista.”

“That is not our problem. You remember the darkest of the universes, where all that lived inside its borders were consumed by hatred and violence.”

“I slept through that one, I think.”

“Well, some of its residents have come here.” Luna’s eyes went wide, her wings spreading and going rigid.

“You told me about demons in that world. Please tell me there are no demons!”

“Luna, I am certain that you and I can handle a demonic invasion. This new threat I fear is of a more... brutish nature.” Luna’s wings relaxed slightly, but still remained spread.

“I shall go to the guards and have them burn the forest to the ground if necessary.”

“That will not be needed, Luna.” Celestia sighed. “This calls for level headed action, not wanton violence. Besides, they’d probably love it. I will go to Ponyville and meet this threat head on.”

“But at least take some guards with you.”

“Again, I do not want to start a war.”

“Please, Tia.” Luna approached, nuzzling Celestia’s neck. “I just want you to be careful and not get hurt.” Celestia looked down at her younger sister and smiled.

“And I’m usually the one that worries. If it makes you happy, I’ll bring some guards with me.”

“Thank you Tia.” Celestia nodded and walked back towards her room while Luna remained on the balcony. “Tia?”

“Yes?”

“If you do manage to stop this threat, what will you do with them?” Celestia thought for a moment.

“Either send them back or start a fungus farm.”

...................

‘Eadsmasha and his boyz had been walking for close to an hour, and so far they had found only some ruins. The orks had gleefully ransacked the place, but all they could find were a few small shards of metal that couldn’t even be used for stabbing things. Their hopes for loot crushed, the orks continued on, stomping through the underbrush and searching for any signs of civilisation.

“Oi Boss, can we’z find somefing ta kill already?” one of the boyz in the back shouted.

“Why’dya think we’z walkin’ ‘round here, ta smell da fungus? Shaddup and keep movin’; we’ll find some ‘umies ta krump soon enuff.” ‘Eadsmasha was certain that that was the end of that conversation until Gearbrainz tapped him on the shoulder.

“We’z gonna need somefing ta eat soon, Boss; all da squigs ‘n grots got left back at the WAAAGH!.”

“Ya shoulda thought a dat when we’z had all dem ded boyz lying ‘round.” ‘Eadsmasha sighed and looked back at the orks. “Any of youz dat wants ta find somefing ta eat can go ahead. We’z stoppin’ ‘ere and waitin’ fer ya.” the two orks in the back grinned and charged off into the brush, sluggas and choppas drawn. ‘Eadsmasha swung his choppa around and buried it into the trunk of a tree, the chainaxe ripping through the wood and making him a nice improvised throne once the tree had fallen. “I swear, ya all’r goin’ soft.”

“We ain’t soft!” Gorechoppa shouted. “We’z da orks, not some pansy space elfs.”

“If I wantz ya ta speak, I’da askz ya!” ‘Eadsmasha barked, pointing his axe at Gorechoppa. “But y’are goin’ soft; complainin’ ‘bout eatin’ and stuff. We’z gonna find somefing ta stomp; we’z always does.”

“Maybe you’z just ain’t a propa boss if you’z can’t find da WAAAGH!” ‘Eadsmasha’s glare deepened, no small feat for an ork.

“You’z think you’z can be a better boss?” he said, rising up from the tree stump and advancing on Gorechoppa.

“Yeah, I’z can probably find da WAAAGH! better’n you.” “Eadsmasha growled and prepared to take Gorechoppa’s head off, but the sound of a slugga being fired caught his attention. The slugga fired again, and this was followed by a deafening roar from some large beast punctuated by more shooting.

“Looks like dem boyz did find somefing ta stomp after all.” Redwheelz muttered.

“See? We’z found somefing ta kill, and now we’z all happy.” ‘Eadsmasha grinned and lowered his choppa as the two boyz came rushing out of the brush. “Well? Where iz it?”

“Wot?”

“Da fing ya just shot.”

“Oh yeah, dat fing. Uh...” the boy massaged his temple with the barrel of his slugga. “Well, we’z found dis big ol’ blue squiggoth fing, and we’z decided ta shoot it. When we’z did, it got all mad an’ ran off inta da trees.”

“Why didn’tcha go after it?”

“Well, den dis big ugly one came along and when we’z tried ta shoot dat it tried stompin’ us.” to emphasize the boy’s point, the ground shook as something big marched towards the orks. They raised their sluggas, shootas and choppas and prepared, waiting for whatever it was to show itself.

The thing was massive, about the size of a small gargant, and it seemed to be made of pure energy. It was flecked with small pinpricks of light similar to stars, and it glared at the orks with massive yellow eyes. ‘Eadsmasha lowered his choppa and stared up at the thing in awe, unsure of how exactly to proceed.

“... Big, ain’t it?”

“Yup.” Gearbrainz said. “Wot we do now, Boss?”

“Well, it’s obvious, ain’t it?” ‘Eadsmasha raised his shoota and choppa, glaring at the beast for a moment, before turning around and rushing into the woods as fast as his legs could carry him. “LEG IT!!!!!!!!” The other orks would have called ‘Eadsmasha out on his cowardice, but they preferred to do so when they weren’t being eaten alive by a massive beast and raced off after him. The Ursa Major roared and chased after them, it’s massive size allowing it to crash through the trees and gain on the fleeing orks.

The sound of trees being crushed beneath massive paws was the only thing that ‘Eadsmasha could hear. He looked back occasionally to see if the monster was still chasing him, but doing so slowed him down and caused the ork to trip over fallen trees and bushes. Around him other boyz hollered as they raced away, their cries drowned out by the bellowing of the creature.

After what seemed like an eternity, the sound of crashing trees dissipated and the Ursa stopped its chase. ‘Eadsmasha slowed and stopped near an odd clearing, and soon the other orks had joined him.

“If we’z gets our ‘ands on a stompa, we’z comin’ back and krumpin’ dat fing.” He growled, unslinging his shoota and checking it for damage.

“‘Ey Boss,” Gearbrainz said. “If dere is ‘umies ‘round, den dey’s gotta be pretty ‘ard ta deal wif fings like dat.”

“Yeah.” ‘Eadsmasha grinned “Should make fer a good scrap, won’t it?”

“Yeah Boss.” the boyz replied.

“Den wot’s we doin’ ‘ere talkin’? We’z got ‘umies ta stomp!” the orks roared in anticipation, waving their choppas around and firing their sluggas into the air. “Roight, we’ll just go dat way and we’ll-” ‘Eadsmasha turned around and froze.

Standing behind him were three little... things. They came in more colors than a standard mob of humans, and they were riding around in a small wagon similar to a skorcha wagon. The things stared at the orks in shock, and the orks merely stared back in confusion.

“Wot da zog are doze fings?” Gorechoppa asked.

“How da zog should I know?” ‘Eadsmasha looked back to his boyz. “Maybe dere some squig-fingies dat ‘umies have around and dey got lost or somefing.”

“Doze fings ride in wagons?”

“Uh... guess so.” ‘Eadsmasha raised his choppa. “‘Least we’z gets ta eat!” As soon as he finished saying this, the three little things screamed. It was an earsplitting sound, and not in a good way like thousands of shootas being fired. The orks in the group reeled back, and ‘Eadsmasha was tempted to attack the things in order to get them to shut up. The things turned their wagon around and raced off, a small cloud of dust enveloping the mob.

“Get ‘em, boyz!”

..................

Deep in the Equestrian badlands lay a cave. Inside the cave lay a massive complex of crystalline structures, with thousands of inhabitants tending to everything. Further down the complex, the ruler of the community had been presented a deal.

“I still don’t see what in it for me.” said Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.

“What more do you want?” her guest asked. “I will give you full access to both Equestria and the Crystal Empire. Think, you and your swarm can feed for centuries.”

“Yes, I get that part of the plan, but how do I know that you will follow through with your end of the bargain.”

“I am a stallion of my word. Once I have removed my enemies, I will reward you as you deserve.” Chrysalis regarded her guest for a moment; his offer was tempting, but after her failed invasion of Canterlot she was not ready to give her trust to just anypony.

“Give me a few days to scout out the opposition, then I will decide.”

“As you wish.”

Author's Note

"If ya runs fer it, ya can always go back fer anuvva go, so dat don't count as losing!"
Sorry for the lack of updates; I'm juggling three fics right now and I need to make sure I don't lose momentum on them

Meetin' Da Boss

Meetin’ Da Boss

Twilight was pacing, a habit she had picked up when she got nervous. Circling the center column of the library, she mulled over all the terrible outcomes that could occur: with the amount of monsters that lived in the Everfree forest, something disturbing them could cause them to leave the forest and attack Ponyville, and despite her magical strength Twilight would most likely be unable to fight them all off.

Forget what she had said last week; everything was not going to be just fine.

“Twilight, maybe you should ease up on the pacing a little.” Spike said. “You’re starting to wear a groove in the floor again.”

“I know, I’ll just find another spell to seal it back up.”

“Just like the one that turned Fluttershy green?”

“Spike this is serious!” Twilight stopped pacing for a moment and looked at Spike. “You know what’s in the Everfree Forest, and something just landed there and might cause trouble. I don’t want to have to deal with a whole Ursa family marching into town and hurting ponies.” Twilight sighed and sat down. “I just... well, Princess Celestia has given me a lot of responsibilities, and... well...”

“Don’t worry, Twilight; I’m sure the Princesses can handle a bunch of Ursas attacking Ponyville.”

“We probably can, but the situation may be quite different.” a voice said from Twilight’s loft. Startled, Twilight and Spike looked up and saw Princess Celestia standing near Twilight’s bed, small sparks of magic radiating off her from a recent teleport. “I’m sorry for not notifying you sooner, Twilight.”

“Oh, th-that’s perfectly alright, Princess.” Twilight smiled sheepishly. “So, um... do you know what’s wrong?”

“I think I do.” Princess Celestia descended from the loft, her shoes clicking against the wood floor. “Twilight, have I ever told you about the Multiverse Theory?”

“Uh... no. Is this a test?”

“No, Twilight. As I was saying, the Multiverse Theory is that Equestria is merely one drop in a sea of potential realities, some not so different, others completely unrecognizable. For example, there may be a universe where you and your friends failed to defeat Nightmare Moon, but instead of killing you she merely turned you into her ‘sex toy’, for lack of a better term.” Twilight shuddered.

“This is just a theory, right? I mean, none of this can happen.”

“... It’s not a theory.” Twilight felt her heart stop for a moment. “The anomaly that you saw the other day was one of those universes colliding with our own. To what extent and purpose I don’t know, but it’s still a danger.”

“So... does that mean there’s a version of Nightmare Moon who has a major crush on me running around in the Everfree Forest?” Celestia failed to stifle a small giggle.

“No Twilight, nothing like that. Rest assured, you will not be kidnapped by a lovestruck Nightmare Moon. But...” Celestia drifted back towards seriousness again. “There is a race of beings from one of these universes; they are tough, relentless at times, and hard to divert from their set goals, but they are not the most intelligent of beings, so you should have no trouble reigning them in.” Something unpleasant clicked in Twilight’s mind.

“Wait, you actually want these things in Ponyville?”

“Where you can keep an eye on them; letting them roam Equestria on their own would lead to many ponies getting hurt.” Twilight fidgeted around a little.

“Uh, do you really think I can handle something like-”

“Twilight, you are the most qualified and skilled pony I have ever had the honor of teaching, and your skill with magic will help you greatly with the task at hand. I wouldn’t have come to you if I didn’t think you could handle this, and I will help you in every way I can.” Celestia smiled, renewing some of Twilight’s confidence.

“Well... I’ll do my best.”

“Good. Now, may I have a look at your shield spell?”

..................

The orks charged down the road after the squig-wagon, bellowing warcries and firing their guns in the general direction of their targets. While the wagon was not red, and therefore not as fast as an ork would like, it was still able to evade the boyz as they chased after it. ‘Eadsmasha didn’t mind, the chase being almost as fun as actually stomping something, and he was hopeful that the ‘umie-squigs would lead him and his boyz to even greater fighting.

“Boss, I see somefing up dere!” Redwheelz shouted.

“Wot, like a ‘umie camp or somefing?”

“Yeah.” ‘Eadsmasha grinned.

“Fasta, boyz; we’ll catch dem ‘umies and stomp ‘em ‘fore dey knows who krumped ‘em!” the orks picked up speed, their frenzied charge reaching a boiling point as they broke from the woods.

The scene before them was unlike any the orks had ever seen. Unlike human settlements, always very large and unpleasant, the land before them was fairly peaceful looking. A small village rested a ways away from the forest, and ‘Eadsmasha could see the squig-wagon racing towards it. Beyond the village was a mountain, on which rested an elegant castle of purple and gold.

“Dis... dis is zoggin’ butiful.” ‘Eadsmasha said. He turned to his boyz and pointed his choppa towards the town. “A whole town an’ a big fort fer us ta stomp! Dere must be tons a loot fer us, and I even bet dey’s got Space Marines in dat big ol’ fort! C’mon boyz, let’s show dese ‘umies dat we’z here ta fight an’ win!”

“WAAAGH!!!” the orks roared before charging towards the town, the disorganized mob a terrifying sight to anyone who might have witnessed it.

..................

The spell matrix of Twilight’s Shield Spell hovered in front of her face. Modifying it was no easy task, and she had to make constant adjustments to make sure she and the surrounding area did not spontaneously combust. Celestia was waiting off to one side of the room, watching Twilight as she manipulated the spell.

“I think I’m almost finished.” Twilight said. “It should be able to repel whatever you want it to repel. Do you want me to cast it when I’m done?”

“Please do, Twilight.” Twilight nodded and dismissed the spell matrix. Her horn shimmered once again before a disc of purple light exploded outwards, passing through the walls of the library and dissipating once it reached the outskirts of Ponyville. “Now, it’s best if we head to the road leading to the Everfree Forest with due haste.”

“Okay.” Twilight and Princess Celestia exited the library, turning towards the Everfree forest. “Um, Princess? If you don’t mind me asking, but... you do have an idea of how to get rid of these... things, right?”

“I do, but let’s cross that bridge once we-” the two were interrupted by the Cutie Mark Crusaders barreling towards them, their voices hoarse from screaming.

“Twilight! Monsters!” Scootaloo gasped, the Pegasus filly’s wings twitching as she collapsed on the ground.

“Big ugly monsters!” Sweetie Belle joined in. “They tried to eat us!”

“Ya gotta stop ‘em, Twi. They’re gonna hurt a lotta ponies iffn’ ya don’t!” Applebloom said.

“They’ve arrived earlier than I anticipated.” Celestia muttered before looking towards the Crusaders. “Fear not, little ponies. Twilight and I have the situation under control. However, if you would do us the favor and fetch your sisters and the other Element Bearers, that would be much appreciated.” The three fillies paused for a moment, still absorbing the fact that they were talking to Princess Celestia. When the realization came, they managed to recover their strength and zipped off, calling out to anyone about the oncoming monsters.

“Are you sure that was a good idea, Princess?” Twilight asked. “Those girls mean well enough, but they can get carried away sometimes.”

“I know; you and your friends aren’t the only ones I receive friendship reports from. Now come, we must hurry.”

.................

While orks are perfectly capable of footslogging, ‘Eadsmasha was reminded why he preferred wagons: for one, they were somewhat more comfortable, they were much louder, you got to the fighting faster (and in style), and it was always funny to see ‘umies and bugs get squashed to paste (enough dead ‘umies helped the trukks drive faster as well). Still, the idea that he and his boyz would be getting into combat soon was enough to set aside his biases, and he was caught up in the increasing fervor of the WAAAGH! just like the other orks.

Now he could see more ‘umie squig things roaming around the town. They too came in a wide arrange of colors, but ‘Eadsmasha wasn’t here for the color. He wanted blood, and loot, and to hear bullets flying over his head and to bury his choppa into the head of some ‘umie boss. With another roar he charged ahead, raising his chainaxe to take off the head of the first living creature he saw.

Imagine his surprise when he was caught in a purple snare and sent flying backwards, followed soon by the rest of his mob. ‘Eadsmasha groaned and pulled himself up, looking around at the various squig thingies.

“What da zog was dat?!” he bellowed, grabbing his shoota and choppa and pulling himself back to his feet. He was soon joined by Gearbrainz, the mek testing the force field the same way any other ork would have: shoving his mega-blasta into the field and watching it sail over his head.

“Some kinda kustom force-field, Boss.” the mek said. This earned a slap from ‘Eadsmasha.

“I can seez dat, ya stupid git! Do ya know where it’s comin’ from?”

“Uh... no?” ‘Eadsmasha was too mad to think clearly, so he brained Gearbrainz with his shoota for providing an answer he didn’t like.

“Go git yer gun. Wez gonna find da git dat’s blockin’ us from da loot and skin ‘im alive!”

“I’m afraid that won’t be necessary, much less tolerated.” ‘Eadsmasha looked around and saw a bigger version of the squig thingies, this one with a spikey bit on it’s head and wings, followed by a smaller purple one. Judging by the flashy bits the big one was carrying, ‘Eadsmasha guessed it was probably the Boss of the squig thingies, and the purple one was his Kommando boss.

“‘oo da ‘ell are you?” he asked, raising his shoota and aiming it at the big one.

“Please, lower that thing before you scare somepony.”

“I’z ain’t takin’ orders from no squig-boss! I’m ‘Eadsmasha, Nob of dese ‘ere boyz, and we’z come ta loot yer bitz and smash yer ‘eads in! We'z da orkz, and we'z here ta fight an' win!”

“Well, ‘Eadsmasha, I am of a sort that would much rather solve this without violence, and seeing as I can keep the barrier between you and me up for quite some time I believe that standing around here would be rather counter productive.”

“Eh, I ain’t goin’ nowhere ‘till I getz yer ‘ead fer me trophy rack.”

“Well, then you are going to be disappointed.” ‘Eadsmasha regarded the other Boss for a moment: he was fully prepared to just fire his rokkit and hope that it was enough to break through the barrier and allow him to follow through on his threat, but something at the back of his mind (either the influence of Gork or possibly Mork, or maybe just curiosity) caused him to lower the shoota.

“Whaddya want, squig-boss?”

“Well first I would prefer that you call me Princess Celestia.” Why’z da squigs got dum ‘umie names? “And preferably I would want you gone, but that is out of the question right now.”

“Wot, and ya don’t want ta ‘ave a decent scrap about it?”

“Believe me, I could kill every one of you right now if I so wished, but again I’d prefer not to-”

“Den youz ain’t a proppa boss!”

“We... tend to deal with leadership a bit differently around here.” Celestia fluffed her wings before continuing. “As it stands, I am capable of sending you to somewhere with a real fight, if it will make you happy.”

“... wot’s in it fer us?”

“Uh, Boss?” Redwheelz said. “I don’t think dis is a very good idea-”

“Shaddup! I’m da Boss!” ‘Eadsmasha punched Redwheelz away before turning back to Celestia. “Youz was sayin’?”

“Stay here for a few days, long enough for me to prepare a spell, and I will send you back to your realm where you may fight to your heart’s content.”

“Wot’re we s’posed ta do ‘til den?”

“I’m sure you can think of something. But if you do decide to hurt them,” Celestia’s gaze darkened “You will wish that death was an option.” It was a bad deal; hanging around with the squig things, not fighting, it was poison to an ork. Still, ‘Eadsmasha was inventive, and an idea came to mind.

“Mind if I’z talk wif me boyz fer a moment?”

“Take all the time you require.” ‘Eadsmasha waved over his boyz, the orks huddling together to try and speak in privacy.

“Boyz, I gots a plan.”

“Wot?”

“Well, dis Squig Boss wonts us ta be all peace like, roight?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, wot if... we’z does act all nice-”

“Boss, ya can’t be serious!” Gorechoppa shouted. “Makin’ peace wif da squigs? Yer gettin’ soft an-” Gorechoppa was interrupted by ‘Eadsmasha forcibly shoving his fist down his throat.

“Shaddup! I ain’t done talkin’!” The other orks pushed Gorechoppa to the outside of the group. “Now, we’z act all peace-like, roight? Den da squig fings tink we’z been all... civ’lized, or somefing. But den, when dey think we’z all civ’lized-” he banged his choppa and shoota together. “Den we’z krump ‘em so ‘ard dat dey’ll ‘ave ta fight us!”

“Great idea, Boss! Dat’s propa kunnin’ dat is!” Gearbrainz said, grinning.

“Roight, let’s get dis fing done.” ‘Eadsmasha turned back to Celestia, grinning about how kunnin’ he had just been. “Okay den. We’z, uh... we’z take ya up on yer offer, yeah?” There was a pause while Celestia looked around at the orks. After what seemed like an eternity for ‘Eadsmasha, Celestia smiled.

“Very well. Welcome to Equestria.”

...............

“Wait, you can’t just let them in here!” Twilight cried as Celestia dismissed the shield spell.

“Well, they’ll need a chance to get accustomed to being around ponies, Twilight.”

“But they’re a bunch of psychotic, trigger happy lunatics! They'll kill everypony they see and then... I don’t know what they’ll do then!”

“Twilight, I know the risks, but it’s a risk we’ll have to take. You will be fine, and if you do need help, I am always within reach.” Celestia gave a smile before teleporting away, leaving Twilight confused and angry.

“You can’t just teleport away from me like that!” she screamed at the sky. “What am I supposed to do with them?!” If this is some kind of lesson, Celestia’s being a very bad teacher.

“Dese squig-thingies are crazier den Chaos boyz.” Twilight heard the big one, ‘Eadsmasha, say. “Oi, Kommando Squig! Where can we get some fungus beers?”

This is not going to go well...

Author's Note

I was hesitant on whether or not to use Alicorn! Twilight in this story, but jokes about her being a Kommando Boss came to mind...
Now we'll have to see who's more kunnin: 'Eadsmasha or Celestia...