The Dark Side of the Horse

by Sedaheht

Rating: teen
Tags: Random
Length: 2301

A Meta-Absurdist Journey Through Words and Events

Twilight Sparkle is a unicorn, has a horn, does magic, has no wings, has no friends, has a cutie mark, and etc. Everything about this story is intended to make 100% sense. I poured my heart and soul into it. The first chapter alone took 700 total man-hours to write. The sheer emotional weight of the events that take place is staggering and you might even be crushed beneath it if you don't watch out. God has given me this gift of language, and with it I shall I write our destiny with the quill of time and the ink of imagination. If you think of this as any less than Shakespeare-tier literature, then I'm sorry but there's no room for you in my paradise. #swag

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-14 17:50:23 UTC

The First Chapter

The morning was sunny with brightness and heatness when Twilight Sparkle woke up in a field of grass that was outside on a day. One of her eyes had fallen out during her slumber so she put it back in and was able to see images with a sense of depth. But what she saw was something she didn’t fully understand.

“Where... am I?” Her eyes rolled around uncontrollably while adjusting to the fit of their sockets and then she made a funny sound effect with her face that just can’t be described in words.

Looking at her surroundings, she found herself in a field of grass and the sun’s position indicated it was roughly 10 o’clock in the morning.

“I am in a field of grass and the sun’s position indicates it is roughly 10 o’clock in the morning.” she said out loud, and then neighed a l’il whinny. She became furiously pissed off after realizing she missed breakfast, but that wasn’t the priority and the anger soon passed.

“This field is incorrect.” she decided, and began correcting it. When the process was complete, Twilight started to head home in what she thought was the right direction and probably was.

Twenty seven seconds later she was there, because the field of grass was just outside the library where she lived. The door to the library was closed. She opened the damned thing and then ponied out a loud “SPPIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE!” This caused Spike to hear it and then he came out of a direction to greet her.

“Twilight, why were you sleeping outside?!” he asked, giving in excess of three fucks about the answer.

“Thanks, Spike. What’s for breakfast?” Twilight ignored her assistant’s question because she didn’t give a shit about him until she had food in her stomach. That was just the right way to do things.

Spike blinked twice. Twilight was becoming less tolerable every day. “I... uh, I guess I can make you some Nut-of-Oats and pour you a glass of Hay Ocean! Spray. Anything you want!” He grinned the grin of servitude.

“That’s the spirit, if I remember correctly.” Twilight thought a moment, and decided that Spike had earned a compliment for his good behavior. “Attention Spike: You are one of my two assistants, and therefore at least my second favorite by default. That is your compliment for the day, now go make me breakfast.” Spike gave a loud salute, tied his apron around his waist, and went to make breakfast even though there wasn’t a kitchen in the library.

Twilight sat down on the floor, picked up that day’s copy of the Equestrian Time(s) newspaper and pointed her eyes at it. The first headline read “SCOOTALOO IS A RAPIST AND RAPED TWILIGHT LAST NIGHT AND LEFT HER ASLEEP OUTSIDE TWILIGHT’S LBIRRAY”. Twilight didn’t understand how this could be, and she realized it was because they spelled “library” wrong. She used a spelling magic to fix the paper. She was about to read the headline again and finally understand what message it was trying to convey, when Spike re-entered the room from a direction.

The loyal servant graciously placed a steaming pile of Nut-of-Oats on the floor on which she lay, and slightly more graciously placed a shimmering glass of Hay Ocean! Spray on the floor on which she lay.

“Thank you, please.” said Twilight.

“Twilight, about last night, I think something happened to you... I heard noises coming from-”

“Spike, it is crucial that you don’t talk to me until I am finished eating my Nut-of-Oats. It is really annoying and makes my vomit want to shed tears of blood.” Then she set the stairs on fire to make him go away. This startled the dragon and he yelled at the top of one of his lungs, saving the other half of his breath for the question that followed.

“Aaaaaahhhhhh! Why would you do that?!”

Twilight was calm as hell.

“Spike, let this be a lesson to you. When you start to question my authority, I will burn the things you walk on. Now go get a fire extinguisher and fix this before it does more harm than good.”

Spike started running, but immediately stopped running, thought a thought, and yelled “Twilight, we don’t have any fire extinguishers in the library!”

“Spike, I didn’t say you could talk! I’m still eating my Nut-of-Oats! Just get it done!”

“There is no other way to put out the fire, Twilight!”

“Fine. Have it your way. I will use a damned magic to keep the fire from spreading while you run into town to buy a fire extinguisher. Give a generous tip to the cashier. That’s what she said. Bye.”

Spike nodded and promptly ran out the door, leaving Twilight alone with herself and that owl from Episode 24. It fucking hooted and sat there looking like a stupid idiot with wings and no plot significance.

“Oh damn son,  I don’t know any spells that stop fire from spreading... oh well.” Twilight sighed, “At least with Spike gone I have peace and quiet. Now I am free to re-read that newspaper headline and finally figure out what it means. This is gonna be terrific I’m so excited.” She didn’t smile, and then looked down at her newspaper. It was on fire now too, and the only words of the headline that were still visible read “SCOOTALOO IS ASLEEP OUTSIDE TWILIGHT’S LIBRARY.”

Wondering why the best pony would be sleeping outside her home, Twilight stood up, sparkily floated the Nut-of-Oats beside her as she walked, and meandered her way through the spreading flames towards the window. She couldn’t really see whether or not Scootaloo was asleep out there because there was too much smoke clouding her vision. She pressed her sweet, delicious face against the glass but squinted so hard that she looked like a dried prune. There was no Scootaloo out there. Not by a long shot. The only orange she could see was coming from the flames behind her butt. She started going back to the newspaper, intending to double or triple check the headline on the chance that she might have read it wrong due to her eyes falling out all the god damn time, but when she turned around the paper had already been consumed by the flames.

“Well that’s just great!” she sarcasmed. “Now I’ll have to go all the way into town to buy another newspaper!” For the first time since Discord decided to move the library 3 miles away from Ponyville, Twilight wished he hadn’t done that.

“I guess I’d better get going,” she quoted Link from The Faces of Evil for the Philips CD-i which is a good game if you happen to enjoy shitty games.

It was getting pretty hot and bright in the library and Twilight wasted no more time. She dodged the roof as it came crashing down and then started her journey towards town.

She did not forget to bring the Nut-of-Oats with her.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Twilight Sparkle was a purple pony with a magic cutie mark and legs that would look good if they were holding up a coffee table. Everypony in town treated her differently, because she was, well, different. She was socially inept and had bad breath which made it hard for her to bond with anypony outside her closest group of friends. Sometimes she pretended that she didn’t care, and other times she pretended that she did. Every day was something different, and yet every day was the exact same. On this particular day, however, it was neither and both.

Twilight-unicorn was walking away from her library, thinking about numbers and the headline she read on the newspaper before it was transformed into hostile greenhouse gases. Scootaloo... asleep... Twilight’s library... asleep... Nut-of-Oats! She ate some Nut-of-Oats, delighted with their unique taste and texture. asleep... what does it mean... outside... library...

“That’s it! Spike! It is crucial that you write something down for me, quick!” The echo of the words smothered her with the foolish realization that Spike was not nearby. He went into town to get a fire extinguisher to put out the fire that was burning the library, which was all explained in the previous chapter so I won’t bother repeating myself.

“Oh, right, he went to get a fire extinguisher.” She turned her head back to look at the library. In the distance, she could make out the collapsed form of the library engulfed in a fiery burning inferno of flames and luminous combustion.

“It is crucial that I keep on going.” And she wented.

***

There it was. Looming before Spike was The Fire Extinguisher and Meatball Church of Ponyville. A great monstrosity of a building, it was a grey cube in the middle of Ponyville, twice the height of the Town Hall but less than half as interesting. This was the only source of Fire Extinguishers and Meatballs in all of Equestria. If you needed either item, you had to come here to buy it directly, as buying them anywhere else was illegal. This was bad for the other retailers that sold them.

It was a rather silly combination of things, manufacturing Fire Extinguishers in the same building as Meatballs, but one time the meatball kitchen got set on fire and then nobody thought it was silly after that. Of course, when the Fire Extinguishers were set on fire a year later, nopony knew what the hell they were supposed to do and the army had to be called in.

The Fire Extinguishers were made in a very complicated factory containing numerous conveyor belts traveling in all sorts of directions. There were pistons, valves, and lights hanging from chains. The whole facility was filled with the noise of metal clanging against metal and steam being released from pressurized canisters. Worker ponies performed their duties while complaining about them to their peers.

Spike stood looking at it.

Using the megaphone from Episode 13, Spike screamed “SOMEBODY HELP! MY LIBRARY IS ON FIRE!”

The Church’s cashier finished masticating her meatballs and then said, “You mean Twilight’s library is on fire?”

“WHATEVER I JUST NEED 40 HUNDRED EXTINGUISHERS RIGHT NOW! HURRY! PLEA-HE-HEEEESE!”

“I’m sorry, but I’m having trouble understanding you. I only know of two libraries in or around Ponyville, and a small dragon is the owner of neither one of them. I am not confident that you are being entirely direct about your problem and I sincerely recommend you calm down, turn off Caps Lock, empty your thoughts of the negative energies, and be thorough in your explanation. You have your whole life ahead of you, young man, there is no need to rush. Okay, try again.” Satisfied with her recommendation, the Church cashier leaned back in her chair and waited for Spike’s response.

Spike thought about what he should do. Then he thought about what he should say. After several moments of thinking, and then several more moments of thinking, he stated his request:

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Spike dragon-blasted up the entire meatball side of the Church in a fit of rage, leaving all of its occupants a little anxious to leave. The cashier died of natural causes. Taking advantage of this, Spike turned into a metaphorical bulldozer and constructioned his way into the Fire Extinguisher warehouse in the back of the Church, grabbed as many extinguishers as he could carry with two hands, and fled the scene of the crime.

The cashier came back to life of natural causes.

***

Twilight Sparkle was finally inside of Ponyville. She forgot what her objective was so she took a five minute rest on the bench that Lyra was sitting on in Episode 10. Letting her breath catch up with her, she ate some more Nut-of-Oats and saw a weird buzzing noise. After deciding that it wasn’t just the sound of her sanity short-circuiting itself, she identified the source of the noise to be the dead pony that was sitting beside her on the bench, covered in flies and blood. Being socially inexperienced, Twilight wasn’t sure how to act around dead ponies, but fortune smiled on her that day, because before she had the chance to start a conversation with it she heard Spike yelling and screaming and running and crying.

“Twilight! We’ve gotta go! Now! Oh god I didn’t mean to! Aaaahhh! Take this!” He threw a fire extinguisher towards her before she had a chance to scold him for talking before she was finished her Nut-of-Oats. She was unprepared and got smacked in the fucking face with it holy shit. She didn’t get the wind knocked out of her, she got a whole fucking hurricane knocked out of her. She didn’t see stars, she saw fucking constellations. She wasn't dazed, she was a whole yeared. Her eyes fell out again, but for some reason she could still see the Big Dipper pouring minestrone soup onto Orion. She passed right the fuck out, but she wasn’t out cold, she was out the entire fucking Arctic latitude.

Spike scanned the surroundings for any sign of being followed, and confident that he was safe for the time being, he put Twilight’s eyes back in their sockets. Maybe I should tell her that her eyes can come out. She deserves to know. I can’t keep hiding it. It’s tearing me up inside... What if she already knows? A loud boom boomed. The Fire Extinguisher and Meatball Church of Ponyville was collapsing. He shouldn’t have dragoned up that one side of it. He done shouldn’t have.

With no other choice, he grabbed Twilight by her tits and started to drag her along with him. He was going home. Back to the library. Back to salvation. With the Nut-of-Oats.