Learning the Alphabet From 'Apocalypse' to 'Zombie'
Learning the Alphabet From ‘Apocalypse’ to ‘Zombie’
Sergeant Argent Blade raced through the halls of the palace at a full gallop. He rounded a corner and nearly bowled over a chambermaid carrying a tray of used teacups, not even pausing to apologize for his rudeness so great was his haste to deliver the news he carried. Arriving at the entrance to the throne room he stopped only long enough to let his pounding heart slow. He settled his wings firmly against his side and pushed the doors open without knocking, stepping inside and falling immediately into a deep bow before the throne of Equestria and the dark alicorn perched upon it.
“Princess Luna, I bring urgent news,” said the guard, making sure to stretch his wings wide and place the tip of each onto the carpet around him to convey his deepest respect. The two night court guards stationed at the base of the stairs leading up to the throne gave a barely perceptible nod to their colleague, and Argent rose again.
“Prithee, Sergeant Blade, deliver thy missive,” said Luna.
Argent blinked a few times, confused, “Sorry Princess, I didn’t quite catch that. What did you say?” he asked.
“We said prithee, deliver thy missive,” Luna repeated, the slightest hint of impatience seeping into her voice.
“Um, what’s a prithee, exactly?” he asked. The guards at the base of the stairs groaned and rolled their eyes, as they had already heard variations of this conversation play out seven or eight times that morning.
“The word ‘prithee’ means ‘please.’ ‘Tis a new manner of speaking, which has swept through the teenagers of our nation in the fashion of wildfire. Never let it be said that Princess Luna is not well acquainted with the customs and traditions of the day. We insist that the ponies of our court adopt it henceforth, the better to relate to the youth of this era,” said the Princess.
“Wait, we? Somepony else thinks this is a good idea?” he asked.
“Well, no, just us at this point. But we intend to implement this change regardless of thy objections,” she said.
“When she says ‘we’ or ‘us’ it just means her now,” said one of the other guards. “It’s called the ‘royal we,’ apparently. Foals today, who knows what kind of crazy thing they’ll come up with next, right?” said one of the guards. He immediately wilted under the Princess’ glare, but Argent was beginning to regain his bearings.
“Uh, OK, well if you all say so... Princess? Princesses? I have-ith brought-ith a super duper-ith important-ith message... thy... ith,” he said. He shared a look with the other guards. They could play along with this. Certainly it wasn’t the weirdest thing they’d had to do in their long careers as royal guards. Nopony could truly fathom the mind of one of the immortal Princesses. Sometimes they were struck with odd flights of fancy, but they often passed as quickly as they came. A month from now Luna would probably be looking back and laughing about how she’d tried to replace the traditional Equestrian dialect that had served their nation since ancient times with some crazy mish-mash of half remembered slang.
Probably.
“You appear to have come to us in great haste, Sergeant. Make thy report,” said Luna with a nod. “Are the borders of Equestria under siege? Hath the archmages of our realm sensed a disturbance in the ether’s flow?”
“Actually, my message is this; The city of Fillydelphia hired a new schoolteacher last week,” said Argent with all the gravity he could muster. A rather awkward silence descended over the room.
“...is that it?” asked Luna.
“Perhaps I need to back up and provide a little context, your highness. The city of Fillydelphia required a new teacher to lead the magic classes for advanced young unicorns. Dozens applied, and every single one was subjected to the most intensive scrutiny. Finally, they narrowed the field to just the two most exceptional candidates,” said Argent. “Two unicorns, Franklin and Xenus the Dark Lord of Evil and Necromancy.”
The two guards at the base of the stairs suddenly waved their hooves violently as if trying to warn him of something, but it was too late. Anger flashed in Luna’s eyes.
“What was the second name?” she asked, an icy chill permeating the whole throne room.
“Um... Xenus the Dark Lord of Evil and Necromancy. At least that’s what he filled out on the application,” said Argent.
“I will not tolerate that kind of Solist attitude in my court! You think that he must be an awful pony just because he calls himself a Dark Lord? Please tell us, what’s wrong with the darkness precisely?”
“Um... Nothing, your highness, it’s the other parts of his name that raised the most concern-”
“Because if we discover than a qualified unicorn was passed over simply because he chose to associate himself with an aspect of the night, we will be quite cross,” said Luna.
“I can bring word back to them and tell them to hire Mister Xenus if that’s your wish Princess-”
“What? Why in Equestria would we order thee to do such a thing? You think that we would command the school board to hire a necromancer to instruct the foals of Fillydelphia?”
Argent fell back on eleven centuries of royal guard tradition. When one of the Princesses was yelling you shut up and tried as hard as you could to fade into the background.
“Sergeant Blade, please tell us that the Fillydelphia school board was not dumb enough to hire a Dark Lord of Evil and Necromancy to teach their foals,” said Luna. She felt the beginnings of migraine stirring in the back of her head.
“Princess! Give them some credit. These ponies are renowned experts with decades of experience between them in the raising of young minds. Of course they hired Franklin to teach the class of young unicorns,” said Argent.
Luna heaved a sigh of relief. “Well, it seems that there is no urgent matter requiring our attention at all then. We are happy to learn of this. Send this Franklin a fruit basket or some trinket with our best wishes.” Argent didn’t leave. Instead he just shuffled back and forth nervously. Luna asked a question she wasn’t sure she wanted answered.
“Have you anything else to report?”
“Well, there was also a job opening at the school for a new librarian...”
“Mr. Xenus, sir?” asked a young unicorn colt.
The pony behind the desk turned slowly to face the child before him, who trembled as the librarian’s dark, sunken eye peered out from his gaunt and pale face. Sharp cheekbones threatened at any moment to push through his frail skin and the magenta coat that only just barely stretched across his features, as if somehow too small to contain him. “Why have you come into my domain, child?” he asked in a raspy, creaking voice that sent shivers down the colt’s spine.
“Um, I wanted to check out a book. This is the library, right?”
Xenus looked about at his surroundings. Hundreds of books were stacked on low shelves, the better to let young hooves reach for them. The walls were painted with bright and cheery murals of sunlight shining down on flowers with smiling faces. “Yes, this is indeed a place of knowledge. Knowledge and terrible power. You could learn much here if you so desired. Yet beware of what you choose to seek, you just might find it. And if you can’t find it you should try the card catalogue,” he said.
“I didn’t mean anything like that. I just wanted to check out the new Harry Trotter book,” said the colt.
“Oh, you enjoy sssstories, child?” asked Xenus, extending the ‘s’ into a long hissing sound. “Let me tell you how that particular story ends. The other ponies tell Harry that his magic has grown too great, too dark, for him to control. But they are fools. Harry leaves his home and studies harder than ever to learn the most powerful and forbidden spells, and those spells change him into something greater than a mere mortal pony. They change him so greatly that when he returns to his hometown nopony even recognizes him. So he takes a job under the guise of a simple librarian, patiently biding his time while the pieces move into place. Waiting for the day when he’ll show them, he’ll show them all! Mwa ha ha ha!” he ended his speech with a dry cackle before trying belatedly to disguise it as a simple cough. “Sorry, I just remembered something funny at the end there.”
“Oh, uh, maybe I could check out a comic book or something instead? I figured if I read something the other colts have read I could talk to them and maybe I’d finally make a real friend. My pet gerbil just passed away and now I don't really have anypony to talk to,” said the colt.
A hint of empathy slipped into the librarian’s stern glare before defaulting back to a more calculating gaze, “I see, so you are an outcast as well. What is your name, boy?” he asked.
“It’s Sharp Quill, sir,” he replied not entirely sure he liked where the conversation was going.
“Sharp Quill, yesssss, a fine name. You’ll do nicely. I have a very special book for you, Sharp Quill. Very special indeed. Perhaps slightly more advanced than what those other fools believe you’re capable of, but one I think you could learn a great deal from.” Xenus reached into a compartment under his desk and pulled out a thick and heavy tome. He gently blew on its front cover sending up a billowing cloud of dust that made Sharp Quill hack and cough. When the cloud had settled, he looked at the cover of the book and read off the title, A Newbie’s Primer on Necromancy. A dark memory flashed across the librarian's face as he glanced down at his own cutie mark; a skull locked in a perpetual scream of pain and agony.
Xenus pushed the book into Sharp Quill’s chest, who stumbled under the unexpected weight. “Delve deep into the secrets of this tome. With it, you shall make many friends. So many that you will hardly know what to pillage with them. Return it to me in a fortnight. Do not be late in this, or you shall be made ‘late’ as well. Also there’s a one bit per day charge,” he said. “Now go!”
Sharp Quill staggered out of the library while Xenus watched from his perch behind the front desk, gently tapping his forehooves together as he contemplated this new development. His plan was progressing even more quickly than he had hoped.
“They hired him to be their new librarian,” said Luna, her voice flat. “At a school for young unicorns.” It wasn’t a question.
“Apparently he had wonderful references from his former position,” said Argent. He wished he were anywhere besides right here. It wasn’t like it had been his decision to hire the guy.
“Really?”
“The school board told me the last headmaster he worked under said, and I’m quoting from the interview here, ‘Braaaaaaaaains.’”
“...”
“They took that to mean that he was generally regarded as clever.”
“Of course they did,” said Luna. She rubbed at her forehead trying to fight down the rising headache. It had started out as such a nice day, too. “We don’t suppose they thought to ask whether the headmaster was now, in fact, a zombie.”
“They didn’t mention that ever coming up,” said Argent double checking his notes just to make sure.
“Argent Blade, find Pincer Strike in the barracks and prepare our chariot for travel to Fillydelphia. We must attend to this imminent disaster.”
Argent turned to go, but then paused. “Wait, you said we again. Do Pincer and I get to ride in the chariot too, or are we pulling?”
“I think she’s doing that royal we thing again, Sarge," said the guard at the base of the throne.
"Damn it."
Luna weighed her options as her chariot soared north towards Fillydelphia. If this Xenus character was up to something there would surely be evidence of it. Her stomach moaned in protest. In her rush to leave immediately she had skipped having lunch at the palace. Fortunately the carriage had a compartment for just such an eventuality. Flipping the hidden latch a panel popped open, and Luna poked her nose in to examine her options. A meager bunch of grapes and a few crackers. She craned her neck forward to address her guards. "Is there an apple anywhere? We feel like having an apple," she said.
"Sorry, Princess," Pincer called back over the rushing wind, "ever since Princess Celestia-"
Argent poked him with a sharp elbow. The cart jostled in mid flight but quickly leveled out again.
"-I mean, ever since that other Celestia who is absolutely not your sister started pirating merchant ships apple deliveries have been sporadic at best."
Luna rolled her eyes. She knew better than to begrudge her sister for blowing off some steam but even though they were hundreds of miles apart Celestia was still managing to get on Luna's nerves. She could have at least left the apple shipments alone. Celestia knew Luna loved apples. It was enough to make her want to seize a plot of land near Canterlot and randomly gift it to the first pony she met with an apple growing cutie mark, flagrant abuse of royal power though it would be.
Luna made do with the grapes and it wasn't long before they touched down in Fillydelphia. She wasted no time in proceeding straight into the school, flanked by Argent and Pincer. The crowd of adolescent colts and fillies in the courtyard parted before her, nopony daring to stand between their princess and her objective. She pushed open the door to the principal's office and let it bang against the wall. The principal looked up from the papers she had been reading.
"Art thou a scoundrel, or merely an idiot?" she asked, striding into her office without waiting for a reply.
"Um, I don't know that I understand the question," said the principal, more puzzled than cowed by the display.
"Our minister of culture has given us repeated assurances that this is the fashion in which the younger generation converses. Now we will ask again, what possessed thee to hire a necromancer to fill the position of librarian?"
"Oh, you mean Mr. Xenus? He's been a dear. Sure, there's a pall of deathly gloom hanging over the east wing of the building now, but he's very good at ensuring the books are returned and shelved promptly. Have to take the bad with good in this line of work, don'tcha know."
"We would speak with him immediately. Is he in the library?"
"Sorry dear, he left right before lunch. Said there were dire portents and that his actions would bring a great creature of darkness unto Fillydelphia, or something. Put it down as a sick day. I think the poor thing just had a bit of a tummy ache, bless his heart."
"Know thee the direction he went after he left? 'Tis vital we confront him as soon as possible. Perhaps a home address?"
"Far as I know only one pony saw which way he went when he left, and you don't want to bother talking to him. He's a good colt at heart, but a bit of a troublemaker. Smart as a whip. He'd get top marks if he ever applied himself but he's always mouthing off to his teachers in all sorts of the weird slang foals use these days. The only reason he saw Mr. Xenus go is that he was out vandalizing the wall behind the gym."
"Be that as it may we will need to question him post haste. Dispatch thy assistant to take us to him and pull him from class if need be."
"We put him into detention for the rest of the afternoon, but Merry can take you there if you like.” She pressed a button and an intercom on her desk squealed to life. “Merry, would you come in here please?”
A young unicorn mare, who barely looked old enough to have graduated the school much less be working there, stuck her head around the doorframe with a smile. “Hath thou summoned me to attend to thy guests, madam?”
Pincer and Argent shared a look. Was it really true that this was how young ponies were speaking these days? Not that they’d believed that their Princess was less than adept at social customs but... oh who were they kidding, they had absolutely doubted that their Princess had any idea what she was talking about when it came to the common pony.
“Merry, please take these ponies to see Mr. Shaker. He’s been assigned to the detention hall for the remainder of the afternoon.”
“‘Twould give me the greatest of pleasure to do so,” said Merry dipping into a curtsy. “Princess, honored guests, please accompany me. By thy leave madam principal.”
Merry left the office, checking to make sure her charges were following her before she continued down the hall. “It is a great honor to be assigned to thy ponysonage your highness, even for so short a time,” she said as they walked.
“We are pleased to meet thee, Ms. Merry, you are a most kind and wonderful hostess to tolerate our intrusion on such short notice,” said Luna.
“Oh the pleasure is all mine, Princess. And if you’ll forgive the archaic expression it’s, like, super cool that you’re up on all the latest slang,” said Merry. “Why, ‘twas barely a year ago that I myself was a student in these halls.”
“Were you acquainted with the pony we are to meet? Mayhaps you might speak of what he’s like?” asked Luna.
“But of course. Mr. Shaker is a senior this year, and for all his disciplinary deficiencies he is most popular amongst the student body. I am entirely certain that last year there were more than a few mares from the class ahead of his who quite fancied his affections.” Nopony missed the way Merry blushed as she said that. “I merely hope that his record of insubordinate actions trouble him not in the future. ‘Twould be the most awful thing to see such a brilliant light extinguished prematurely.”
Merry stopped before an unexceptional classroom door, and bowed deeply to Princess Luna and her guards. Luna dismissed her with a nod, and Pincer pulled the door to the classroom open and stepped inside. The trio found that they were stepping into the crossfire of an epic battle of wills that had commenced inside.
Two ponies glared at each other from across the room. An older stallion, seated behind a desk front and center in the room, was hunched over and devoted entirely to glaring at the unicorn colt in front of him, as if he could rip out the colt’s dark blue coat by sheer force of will. The colt, for his part, seemed at first glance almost unaware of the stallion glaring daggers in his direction. He was reclined across the surfaces of two desks draped in a faux-leather jacket. As Luna watched he shifted the toothpick he was chewing on from one side of his mouth to the other and moved his hoof ever so slightly to toss the dirty green mane from his face. Then she glanced at his eyes. One of them looked like it had been blackened by a punch within the last few days and was only half healed. They were fixed like lasers on his opponent, never shifting towards the royal party that had just stepped inside.
“Mr. Shaker, don’t be rude. You should greet the ponies who just walked in,” said the stallion, his tone dared the youth to break his gaze and comply.
“Mayhaps I should, and in time I shall. But I believe the privilege of being the first pony to greet royalty as they enter a chamber goes to the eldest, by tradition. I can think of no pony more suited to this criteria than thyself, as no withered husk of a stallion teetering ever closer to the edge of their own well-deserved departure from this mortal coil presents himself. I am bound to yield the honor to you,” he replied.
“Enough!” shouted Luna, which seemed to shock both ponies enough to draw their attention to her. “You are Mr. Shaker, are you not? Our royal party requires thy aid in a most grave and urgent matter. In the last hour alone, we have heard reports about thee, which disagree with one another as to the essential nature of thy self. We are here to ask thee a simple question, for our time is precious to us; be thee, in thy heart of hearts, a knight of noble character or merely a knave who despises our society even as he is coddled by it?”
The colt glared at Luna, curious but not fearful as he sized her up for a long moment. “...’tis the heart of a knight that beats in my breast, your majesty, though I know that you would not believe it from the reports of these fools around me. They seek to cage and control my spirit, but despite their best efforts it soars eternally free and they resent me for their own failure and short sightedness.”
Pincer leaned towards his fellow guard. “Sarge, are you understanding any of this?” he whispered.
Argent shook his head. “Maybe every third or fourth word. I think they’re discussing tacos.”
“Tacos? I didn’t hear the word taco.”
“You have a lot to learn about subtext, Private.”
Luna extended a hoof in the colt’s direction. “We offer you a chance, and only once will we make the offer. Come with us for this afternoon and by thy assistance to our noble cause prove thyself a worthy soul. Else stay here and rot, for all we care.”
The colt rolled off the desks he lay across, and stood up straight before bowing. “I humbly accept. Well met, milady, and to thy guards as well. ‘Twas ‘twixt the loins of a mare of the royal guard that I myself was quickened, may Celestia keep her soul, and the same mare who gave me my name. Allow me to introduce myself properly. I am Spear Shaker, and I am at thy service. Let us make haste to leave our present company. I dote on his very absence.”
“Wait, Princess, you can’t take this colt while he’s being punished,” said the detention proctor. “We caught him spray painting some sort of coded message on the wall behind the gymnasium, it may even have been gang related.”
“Fie upon thy gangs! ‘Twas a sonnet. Didst thou even look at the rhyme scheme?”
“We appreciate thy devotion to duty, but we require Spear Shaker for another matter. If it pleases thee, think of it as merely commuting his punishment to community service,” said Luna.
A bell signalling the end of the period rang. Luna and her company stepped out the door before the students could fill the hall, Spear Shaker following closely. Fillies and colts of all ages milled about, hurrying to their next class or leaning against the lockers that lined the halls chatting with one another. Although the school specialized in teaching unicorns, it was an institution dedicated to offering a well-rounded classical education to all ponies and there were a few pegasi and earth ponies mixed in with the student body as well. Their conversations stopped and they gaped as the Princess walked past. A royal visit was hardly an everyday occurrence. Whispers followed them as the students speculated about what she was doing there, and why Spear Shaker was with her.
The four ponies had almost reached the back door when they heard a voice call out behind them. “Shaky! Tarry a moment!” They turned towards the voice and saw a lavender earth pony galloping over towards them, balancing a small paper bag on her back. She stopped to run a last minute hoof through her mane and clear her throat. “I have sought thy company all day, Shaky, I crafted this symbol of my affection for thee. Begging your pardon, Princess Luna, I won’t delay thy work but a moment.” The mare opened the bag and took out a single cupcake. She blushed as she offered it to Spear Shaker. “Perhaps if you enjoy it, you might come over and make a few more batches of them this weekend? Mine parents are out of town...”
Spear Shaker grinned. “Ponelia, if cupcakes be the food of love, bake on.” He bit down on the cupcake with a loud crunch.
Pincer and Argent winced. Cupcakes should not go *crunch*
Spear Shaker’s grin fell away and his face went pale. He turned away from Ponelia and broke into a hacking cough. He wiped his muzzle and flicked a piece of eggshell from his hoof.
“Does it please thee, Shaky?” asked the mare as the hope faded from her smile.
Once Spear Shaker had recovered he turned and placed a hoof on Ponelia’s shoulder. “Ponelia, get thee to a Home Economics class.”
Ponelia’s face fell. “But I despise Home Ec! Professor Andronicus always picks the weirdest recipes.”
“We have no time for this, we leave presently,” said Luna. Spear Shaker was quick to seize on the opening, darting to the exit to hold it open for the Princess and put as much distance between Ponelia and himself. The four stepped outside, closing the door behind them on a crestfallen Ponelia. “Which way did the rogue who departed early from this place travel?”
“That way, Princess,” said Spear Shaker pointing to the north.
“I understood that sentence!” said Pincer, excited to finally have something to contribute to the conversation.
The ponies followed the trail Spear Shaker marked out until they came to a dark grove of sickly trees in the park at the edge of town. Even in the afternoon light, the interior was shrouded in darkness. They could just make out a small run-down cottage a hundred paces away, give or take. The guards hesitated.
“Feels like we’re in the right place,” said Argent. Pincer nodded his agreement. Everypony could feel the malevolent energies permeating the air. “If we’re going into that cottage, we should come up with a plan. Inside information about the layout and such would be invaluable, and I hate the idea of walking in blind. Why don’t we let the Princess use her magic to turn us into butterflies or wasps or somesuch and scout it?”
Pincer shook his head. “Are you sure about that, Sarge? Sounds like this pony must be pretty clever with magic if he’s working at a magic school. If he caught one of us, we’d be sitting ducks. There’s four of us and just one of him, I say a full frontal assault is the way to go.”
Luna sat on the grassy hill while she listened to her guards pitch their respective cases. “Both plans have great merit and great drawbacks alike. We would have your opinion as well, Spear Shaker. Should we use our magic to change our guards to bees, or not to bees?”
“That is the question, your majesty,” said Shaker. He considered the facts before them for himself. “Powerful enchanter though he may be, this librarian is still a mortal pony, correct? If we prick him, will he not bleed? If we tickle him, will he not laugh? If we poison him, will he not die? If not I’m sure we can figure something else out with your majesty’s abilities.”
“We agree, and choose the direct approach. Argent, Pincer, gird thyself for battle. Upon our word.... we strike!”
“We meaning just you or all of us?”
“All of us! All of us will strike, for my and my sister’s sake this is not that hard to understand!”
Meanwhile, in another part of town, Sharp Quill snuck downstairs into the kitchen of his home. He had pretended to be sick that morning, then bided his time until his mother had left for work. Even though he certain he was alone, he felt the need to move about as stealthily as possible.
Sharp Quill pulled the Newbie’s Primer on Necromancy from where he’d hidden it under his bed since he’d been given it earlier that week by Mr. Xenus. Late into the night he’d hidden a light beneath his blanket and pored over the inscriptions and diagrams it contained. Now with just a few more preparations he’d be ready. He’d begged, borrowed, and in a pinch stolen (with the intention of someday returning, of course) the components he would need. All that remained was a quick raid on the spice cabinet in his kitchen.
Balancing all the reagents and candles on the book, Sharp Quill dragged everything out into his backyard to a small memorial stone that sat at the base of an oak tree.
Here Lies Snowball the Gerbil, Beloved Pet
February 3rd - October 17th
“Squeak”
Consulting his book one last time to confirm the details, Sharp Quill went to work.
“Stop right there, Dark Lord Xenus! You won’t get away with it!” shouted Argent as the four ponies burst through his front door. Xenus looked over at them in surprise from his kitchen, where he’d been interrupted in the middle of microwaving a bag of popcorn.
“You’re too late. Tomorrow the alignment will be upon us, and my plan will be put into place. I’ve worked too hard for too long to let anypony stop me now,” said Xenus, stalking forward. Even in the presence of Princess Luna he was defiant and unbowed.
“You are wrong, Xenus. We command the very stars in the night sky, and there will be no alignment tomorrow night. Throw thyself upon our mercy and perhaps we will not punish thee as harshly as we otherwise might.”
“Stars? Who cares about the stars? Tomorrow is the night when enough schedules will align that there will be a quorum at our PTA meeting! Mwah ha ha! MWAH HA HA HA HAAAAA!”
Pincer and Argent looked up at their Princess, both of them feeling they had rather abruptly lost the thread of what was happening. Their Princess looked as confused as they were. “Is it an evil PTA meeting, or something?” asked Argent.
“I plan to bring too few refreshments for the number of participants, and the goods I do bring will be of poor quality and slightly stale!” the Dark Lord exclaimed with wicked glee.
“You monster!” cried Pincer. It was only thanks to Argent’s quick reflexes that he managed to restrain the younger guard in time to keep him from tackling the other pony in a fit of rage.
“Thou art a liar and a fiend, Xenus,” said Spear Shaker from outside. He had rather sensibly allowed the two armored guards and the physical Goddess to charge into the lair ahead of him. Peeking his head inside, he had to admit that for a lair it was surprisingly cozy and well furnished. “Sharp Quill told me you practically confessed to returning to our school for revenge against those who wronged thee in the past, in the guise of telling him a tale from a foal’s storybook.”
“Of course! He asked for information on the latest Harry Trotter novel, so I told him how it ended. What’s more evil than spoiling the plot for a young colt’s favorite fantasy book series?”
“And what of thy decision to impart unto him a tome of evil magics? I heard you gave him a book of magic you yourself said was more advanced than he was capable of.”
“Yes, I did do that. It’s true that Sharp Quill is only a third grader, but I care nothing for the warnings of those superstitious and cowardly fools. I gave him the book even knowing they suggested it only for those who read at a fifth grade level or above. And I would do it again! Sharp Quill is only the first of many who will feel the effects of my scheme, my master plan. The first of many.”
“What, then, is thy plan, precisely?” asked Luna, wondering if she had rather wasted an afternoon thwarting this particular threat to Equestria’s well being.
“Ah, I’m so glad you finally asked, Princess. Tomorrow, at the moment of the alignment, I will seal the whimpering masses within the gymnasium where the PTA meets. I will reveal to them the horrible methods through which their foals might transcend their mortal limitations. I will propose a peer-to-peer tutoring program! Wherein clever young ponies like Sharp Quill will help their fellow students who are slipping in a particular field of study, and in turn build their own confidence and self-esteem!”
Luna gasped. “That’s... that’s... that’s actually a very reasonable and well thought out proposal.”
“Isn’t it? Isn’t it glorious and horrible in its brilliance? With the tutoring program in place, our district’s standardized test scores will rise like the unquiet dead from a mass grave and rampage through the bureaucracy of the Department of Education, leaving in their wake sufficient funds to improve our arts and physical education programs. And there’s nothing you fools can do about it!”
Luna wasn’t deterred. She hadn’t flown all the way out here on the spur of the moment and had a mediocre in-flight lunch to not thwart something, Herself damn it. “The principal of thy school and thy employer admitted to us that thou fled the school early today, and told her that thy actions would cause a great creature of darkness to descend upon Fillydelphia this very afternoon. Doth thou expect us to believe thy plan is so limited in scope?”
“Actually, Princess, I’ve been thinking about that,” said Pincer, “aren’t you a great creature of darkness? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.”
“Well, we suppose... technically...”
“It’s just that we did only come here because Dark Lord Xenus was hired to work in the library. And we flew here, so ‘descend’ might literally mean-”
“Yes, yes, we take thy point Pincer Strike,” said Luna cutting him off. “But why even take the librarian job at all?”
“In this economy, what choice did I have?” asked Xenus. “I have a dual masters in Evil and Necromancy, but this was the best job I could find. It was this or move back in with my parents.” Xenus shuddered at the thought. “I have bartered away the souls of orphans with monsters from the stygian places outside of time of space, but there are some depths that not even I would ever sink to.”
Luna stewed for a moment before thinking of one last objection she could bring up. “Aha! In the interview with thy former employer-”
“Speech impediment,” interjected Xenus. “It’s actually a rather inspiring tale...”
Luna quietly cursed in a long-dead language.
Calor oleum in caldario super calorem. Coque gallinaceum cum aspersionem sal, piper atque Italici condienda. Combinant liquamine, sinus, folium et allia in olla.
Sharp Quill carefully enunciated every syllable of the painstakingly translated chant, commanding the souls of the damned to obey his command.
Pone pullum liquamine et coques pro quinque ad sex horis, donec tenera. Aufero pullum et liquamine ad casserole disco. Asperget fermentum caseo...
“Wow,” said Argent Blade as he snuggled into the incredibly comfortable recliner, “I can’t believe there was a completely reasonable explanation for everything. I totally thought we were going to end up battling an army of the undead when we came out here.”
“Popcorn?” offered Xenus.
“Don’t mind if I do,” said Argent, taking the bowl and popping a few kernels into his mouth. “Ugh! This popcorn is burnt!”
“Evil, remember?”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“No problem.”
Pincer Strike rummaged through a nearby cabinet. “Hey, he’s got a copy of Parcheesi! Anypony else up for a game?”
Servite gallinaceum cum liquamine super grana aut spaghetti cucurbitae!
Magic whipped out from Sharp Quill’s horn at the spirits exacted the terrible price for their services. The colt cried out in pain and collapsed as streaking bolts of magic were drawn forth from his horn and flowed into the earth.
Luna snapped to attention as she felt the surge of dark magic flowing through the lands around her. “Argent, Pincer, we need to discuss something!” she called out.
“By we do you mean-”
“I SAID GET IN HERE!” shouted Luna, resorting to the Royal Canterlot voice in her frustration. Her guards practically teleported into the room, so quickly did they rush to stand before her. They were followed closely by Spear Shaker, and even Xenus stumbled in though he seemed to be unsure why exactly he was doing so.
“Our attentions are required, our little ponies,” said Luna, “A horde of zombie gerbils rises again.”
Oh Brave New World That Has Such Zombie Gerbils In It
OH BRAVE NEW WORLD THAT HAS SUCH ZOMBIE GERBILS IN IT
"Uggggggh!" groaned Pincer as Argent gathered up the cards and began to shuffle them, "Why are they taking soooooo looooong?"
"They obviously have a lot on their plate right now," replied Argent, "would you prefer they had rushed right out into the middle of an invasion with us in tow and no plan?"
"Of course not, but still! You can't do that! You can't announce 'a horde of zombie gerbils rises again' and then just disappear for... how long has it been?"
"A quarter hour longer than when thou posed the same question a quarter hour ago," said Spear Shaker.
Finally, the long wait ended as Xenus and Luna returned from the other room where they’d been discussing how best to handle the upcoming problem. The Princess had a large rolled up sheet of paper tucked under her wing. “Guards, to us,” she commanded. The two stallions stood sharply at attention. While Spear Shaker didn’t bother to stand, he did at least look over at the assembled group and nodded when the Princess looked at him. “We have constructed a method by which the undead rodent masses might be herded and contained, but all of us must work together in order to bring it to fruition. First, we will need to gather up as many toads as possible.”
Argent looked to Pincer, and vice versa, neither of them having any reasonable explanation for the request. “Uh, a thousand pardons Princess Luna, but that sounds just a little, um, mad?” said Pincer.
“Though this be madness, there may yet be method in it,” said Spear Shaker. “Prithee, continue milady.”
“Many thanks, Spear,” said Luna. “It is not just any toad which we seek. Xenus?”
“Yesss, thank you, Princess. The glade behind my home is home to a colony of the Mareabian Flesh-Eating Toad, the natural predator of the zombie gerbil.”
Despite his training, Pincer felt his knees begin to shake. Argent held himself together more effectively, but he too grew worried. “Mareabian... Flesh-Eating... Toads?” he asked, carefully concealing his fear.
“Oh, do not look at us in such a fashion,” chided Luna, “it is merely a name, and not an accurate description. We must collect as many of them as we can in the next hour.”
A spark of hope lit up in Pincer’s eyes. “I’m still a bit lost on the whole ‘royal we’ thing, Princess. Do you mean that you’re going to collect the toads?”
“We do not, Pincer Strike. This is a very special form of ‘we.’ A very special form that actually means ‘you.’ The two of you will use the cages provided by Xenus to hold them until we are ready to deploy them,” said Luna.
“Heh heh, indeed. My very sturdy cages. Cages which surely couldn’t possibly break open at the worst possible second, dooming you all to be overrun by undead rodents as I laugh at your screams from atop a throne of skulls and declare Fillydelphia to belong, once and for the rest of time, to Xenus the Dark Lord of Evil and Necromancy,” said Xenus. “No, really, they won’t do that. They’re actually quite secure.”
Xenus left to retrieve the cages from his laboratory, and Spear Shaker raised a skeptical eyebrow. “That is the long and short of thy plan? Cry havoc and let slip the frogs of war?”
“Toads, but neigh. We must first herd the gerbils into a single place so that the toads might most effectively subdue them. The four of us came of age elsewhere, but you are a resident of Fillydelphia, are you not? We hoped that you might be able to suggest a central location.” Luna unfurled the paper she carried and spread it over the table the three stallions had been using for their card game. It was a map of the city, covered in numerous arcane designs and symbols written in what Spear Shaker dearly hoped was red ink. “Ignore the pentagrams. Xenus informs me they simply mark pizza places that will deliver after one in the morning.”
“Hmm...” Spear Shaker examined the map, muttering to himself, as Argent and Pincer returned from the back room each carrying a reinforced terrarium.
“Alright Princess, Xenus told us where to find the toads. But... you’re sure that the name’s wrong, right?” asked Pincer.
“Pincer, trust thy Princess. If I tell you that these creatures are not flesh-eating toads from Mareabia, then they are not flesh eating toads from Mareabia. Now hurry, time grows short.” The two guards walked out the front door as Luna shook her head. “Honestly, should we ever lay our hooves upon the biologist that discovered those creatures there shall be a reckoning for her choice of names. Based upon their habitat they are clearly Pensacoltan Flesh-Eating Toads.”
Argent and Pincer returned after the agreed hour, the terrariums full of pustulant green toads and their armor considerably more gnawed-upon than it had been when they’d gone back into the boggy forest. They had no trouble finding Princess Luna; she was standing next to a glowing orange semi-transparent sphere in front of Xenus’ home.
“Aha! Thy mission was a success, we see, and thou hath collected a bounty as boundless as the sea.” She paused. “Well, perhaps a very small sea.”
Argent and Pincer pointedly decided not to point out the somewhat misleading nature of the information they’d been given about their quarries. “What’s this thing for?” asked Pincer.
“We would be delighted to explain,” said Luna. “This is out giant magic zombie gerbil containment ball. We simply drop them in through unidirectional force field, or even just roll it over them, and they are unable to leave.
“Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Whoa,” said Argent waving a foreleg with numerous toad-sized bite marks covering it. “I thought we were just dealing with zombie gerbils. Now there’s giant magic zombie gerbils? Are the toads going to be big enough?”
“Wha- nay, it is the sphere which is giant and magical, not the gerbils,” answered Luna, casting a glance back at the gerbil ball. “We thought that would be clear.”
Spear Shaker and Xenus emerged, carrying crates full of other equipment. “What wholesome, natural sorcery is this?” asked Xenus, looking at the sphere with revulsion.
“It’s a sphere for magically containing giant zombie gerbils,” said Pincer before Luna could answer.
“Thy council is a falsehood, Pincer,” said Luna. “The sphere is giant and magical, the gerbils are just zombies.”
Spear Shaker raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Is the undeath visited upon the gerbils not also magical in nature? Or are there naturally occurring zombie gerbils?”
“Verily, that is magic as well, but of another nature.” Luna pressed a hoof to her forehead. She felt they were becoming rather sidetracked, and the horde would descend upon the city before much longer. "Know what? We will simply call it the 'Happy Shiny Gerbil Trap.'"
"Uh, Princess? asked Pincer, raising a foreleg into the air like he expected to be called upon.
"Pincer, we swear upon our throne and our power that if thy question pertains in any way to 'happy shiny gerbils,' we will end thee."
Pincer froze in place for several seconds, then slowly lowered his foreleg. "Question withdrawn."
Argent spoke up to fill the ensuing silence. "What's in those crates?"
"A few devices, made for mischief but today turned to a yet nobler purpose," replied Spear Shaker.
"Zombies dislike fire, as it is one of the few things that will destroy them utterly," explained Xenus. "These smoke bombs Spear Shaker put together will cut off their avenues of retreat while the toads' venom does its work. As long as we set them up ahead of time, everything should go smoothly."
"Then let us make haste! There is no time to stand around here explaining everything," declared Luna. Her horn glimmered and the Happy Shiny Gerbil Trap began to roll through the streets. Just then, the ponies' ears perked up as they heard a high pitched scream. "No! We may already be too late!" She galloped ahead of the others towards the source of the noise.
“Dusty! Don’t touch that, you don’t know where its been!”
“But Momma, he wants to be my friend!” whined the young voice. Luna and her companions rounded a corner to see a young mare tugging her son’s ear with her teeth while the colt tried to pick something up off the ground. “He looks just like Mister Nibbles did before he had to go to the farm upstate!” He took a few whiffs of the air around him and wrinkled up his nose. “I think he needs a bath, though.”
“Stand aside, foal,” said Luna, dragging the trap behind her. “This creature is dangerous, despite its diminutive stature.”
“Princess Luna! Come on, Dusty. Let’s leave the Princess alone.”
“But... but..." he sputtered. He looked down at the necrotizing gerbil at his hooves, which was in the process of trying to bite through his foreleg. It would have been more effective had its teeth not long ago rotted into twisted, blackened stumps. “He missed me so much while he was on the farm that he’s trying to give me kisses!”
“No, he is not,” said Luna, letting her starry mane cascade through the air as she shook her head, "for you see, there is no such farm.”
“Uh, Princess?” said Argent.
He was ignored. “Your gerbil did not go to a farm. Or an island. Or to another family that would love him more. It died. Its vital functions failed and the spark of life within it was extinguished. Had nopony accidentally given one of your classmates a tome on necromancy, it would have remained that way.”
Behind her, Xenus coughed into his hoof. “Yes. Accidentally.”
“Mister Nibbles... died?” asked Dusty, looking up at the Princess with wide, innocent eyes.
“He did. As will you, someday. And your friends, and everypony that you love. Your brief, inconsequential time in this world will sputter out like a lit match beneath a hurricane. Your mortal body will be interred within a hole in the earth for the rest of time, the flesh rotting away from your frame and even your bones splintering and cracking over centuries. Meanwhile, all that you take pride in having accomplished will waste away or be forgotten, until even your name is lost to the gaping abyss of time.”
Dusty stared up at her in quiet contemplation for a moment, then tears welled up in his eyes. He burst out into bawling sobs and turned to flee, his mother chasing behind him and calling out for him to stop. Luna sighed. “Poor colt. Zombies are indeed a very troubling thing for such a young mind to encounter. No wonder they upset him so badly.” She plucked up the zombie gerbil in her magic and threw it into the side of the ball. It passed through the barrier and struck the inner wall of the other side before sliding down into the depression at its center.
“Time marches on, and so must we,” said Spear Shaker, “we can set out ambush at the crossroads ahead.” He gestured to the end of the street on their left, where the thoroughfare abruptly stopped and a park began.
“Yeeeeeeeessssss, yeeeeeeeessssss,” hissed Xenus, grinning and rubbing his hooves together, “this will do nicely. Herd the zombies into the park, and the toads will do the rest. I’ll prepare them now. Then I’ll bait the trap with a little dark magic of my own, and the pitter-patter of their shuffling little paws will herald their doom. Their DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” He took the stuffed terrariums from Argent and Pincer and disappeared into the trees.
“Where do you want us with the smoke bombs, Princess?” asked Argent.
“Spear Shaker, you best know the area. Where should we place our defenses to funnel the enemy into place?”
“Hmm...” Spear Shaker looked back and forth between both sides of the street with an appraising eye. “Methinks upon the rooftops.”
“Which one, though?” asked Pincer. “From here, it looks like we could take up position above Monty Goo’s Gak, Slime, and Ooze Emporium on the east corner, or the Cap-U-Late Twenty Four Hour Hat Store to the west.”
“Why choose? Are there not two of you? A box on both their houses.” A surge of dark magic erupted upwards from the depths of the park, and the ground beneath their hooves began to tremble. “Make haste!”
Luna took off into the air, wielding the trap ball as a magical cudgel. The sole zombie gerbil rattled around inside of it as she gave it a few experimental swings through the air. At some point one of its legs had detached from the rest of it, and it watched its former limb fly past it with a befuddled look on its face. Plumes of smoke went up on either side of Spear Shaker as Argent and Pincer threw their blasting charges to the streets below. He bolted for the nearest store, tearing open the door and locking it behind him as the crest of the oncoming wave loomed at the end of the street. The surge of the living dead grew from a pack, to a swarm, to an honest-to-goodness horde stretching as far as Luna’s magic-enhanced eyes could see. In the face of such an affront to the very nature of life and death, Luna had just one thought.
That’s really a very improbable number of gerbils to have died recently enough to be eligible for zombification. Perhaps an investigation of the local pet shops is in order.
And then the horde reached the edge of the park, the first of the Marebian Flesh Eating Toads leapt from its hiding place, and pandemonium reigned.
Raven Nightshade wiped the sweaty, matted strands of her ebony black mane with dark purple highlights away from her face. Slaving away over the stove all afternoon had left her disheveled and at loose ends, but both of the pots bubbling away were nearly finished with their tasks. “Sharp Quill?” she called up the stairs. Her son had been quiet all evening, which probably didn’t bode well. Then again, he had been sick that morning. She was just about to go up to check on him when there was a loud knock at the door. “Now who could that be?” she wondered aloud. Wiping her hooves on the embroidered skull motif that decorated her apron, she trotted over and opened it.
“...didn’t think that ‘eat until you explode’ was anything more than a figure of speech. Boy is my face red,” said one of the pegasi in the armor of the Royal Guard. He was standing behind the imposing figure of Princess Luna, doing her best to salvage her royal dignity despite being covered by an impressive variety of different colored, viscous fluids.
“Verily, it is. Perhaps a little rubbing alcohol will get that out of your coat,” said the younger stallion next to him.
Luna ignored them. “Thy son Sharp Quill is in possession of a book. We would like it back now.”
“SHARP QUILL! GET YOUR FLANK DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND, YOUNG COLT!” Raven shouted back up the stairs, the veins in her forehead straining out from beneath her black coat. She took a deep, calming breath and struggled to regain her composure. “What happened to you, Princess?”
“Tomorrow morning’s newspaper headline will tell of a large encounter between a zombified horde of gerbils and flesh-eating toads. We assure you it will not do the event itself justice,” said Luna.
“Everything was going well, until the Dire Vultures showed up,” the other guard chimed in.
“Indeed. We did not anticipate having to deal with those in addition to the Mareabian Flesh Eating Toads and the gerbils. Nor did we realize they were capable of projectile vomiting.”
Raven furrowed her brow. “Wait, you’ve lost me. Were the vultures, the toads, or the zombies vomiting?”
Luna regarded her flatly for a long moment. “Yes.”
With a loud series of thumps heralding his presence, Sharp Quill appeared beside her. When he saw the ponies standing in the doorway, his ears went flat against his head and he looked away. “I’m in trouble, huh?”
“We sssssshall ssssssee,” said Xenus. “Did you cassssst from the book you borrowed earlier?”
“Sharp Quill, what did you do?” asked Raven, glaring down at him.
“I... kinda... sorta... maybe triedtobringSnowballback,” he replied. The words fell out as he studied the floor with great intensity.
“You raised the zombie gerbils? What is the rule about using Dark Magic in this house?”
“Only to summon incorporeal spirits unless you’re there to supervise,” he grumbled. “But Mom, it was an accident!”
“That’s right, and accidents like that are why the rule is there in the first place. Where’s this book now?”
With a sigh, Sharp Quill pulled the tome in question from the hanging saddlebags beside the door and passed it to Raven with his magic. Her horn glowed as she took it from him, and when she looked up again to give it to the Princess she took a good look at the final member of their party for the first time. The stallion’s dark, beady eyes set deep into pale, almost ash white skin met her gaze, boring into her.
“Oh, badness,” she said, tossing her mane with a coy little smile. “And who might you be?”
“I am the Dark Lord Xenus, Harbinger of Shadows and school librarian.”
“So it’s your book, I suppose.” She held it out to him and their fields mingled as he gripped it, but Raven was in no hurry to release her hold. “I apologize for my son. I’m doing my best to teach him wrong from other forms of wrong, but ever since his father left it’s been difficult.”
“Isssss that so?” asked Xenus. “I must say, you have some of the most striking eyes I’ve ever seen.”
Raven giggled, and the faintest hints of a blush appeared through her coat. “Why thank you. You should see the ones I keep in jars. Perhaps I could show you now? And if you’d like to stay for dinner, there’s vegetable stew on the stove.”
“That sounds delicious,” said Xenus, stepping past Luna and into the house. He tucked the book into his own bag, then grinned down at Sharp Quill. “Don’t worry. Someday you’ll show them, you’ll show them all.”
Sharp Quill perked up noticeably. “Really? Do you think so?”
“Yes. Specifically this Friday when you give a ten minute presentation to your class about what you’ve learned from all of this.”
“Aww....”
“Sharp Quill, don’t argue. I think Lord Xenus and the Princess’ punishment is very fair.”
“We have not signed off on that, actually,” said Luna. Neither of the ponies inside seemed to hear her.
“Help yourself to the stew. Just make sure you take it from the pot on the left and not the one on the right. I’m skeletonizing a cat in that one.” Then she closed her front door right in the face of four rather befuddled ponies.
Luna’s eye twitched, but rather than saying anything she just sighed and turned to walk away from the home in the early evening light. “We are beginning to hate this town.”
The stars above twisted and shifted under Luna’s ministrations as she tweaked a few of them, moving them just a few degrees on their course.
“And to think, I had always heard that the Princess of the Night could set the moon and the stars on their way in just a few minutes when it suited her to do so,” said Spear Shaker’s voice from behind her. “You have been at the endeavor for nearly an hour now, and your guards grow restless.”
Luna shrugged. “We merely want this constellation to be perfect, but such perfection eludes us.”
Spear Shaker took a seat on the grassy slope beside her with a knowing smile. “Methinks the fault lies not with thy stars, but with thyself. Thou art of a troubled mind.”
“Merely very tired. ‘Twas a longer day than we had anticipated. The showers were most welcome, though.” She looked back up at her sky, and Spear Shaker kept silent watch along with her for several minutes more. “We suppose we are also... troubled.”
“Troubled? In what way?” he asked.
“We came here expecting to battle against darkness, and assuming the worst about somepony just for the form of magic he specialized in. Us, the Princess who is supposed to be the champion of darkness and an example of it working together with our sister’s light as an equal partner. An ideal that we sometimes wonder if we will always be able to uphold.” She smiled at him. “We have been most impressed with your resourcefulness on our visit, Spear. If you’d like, we are certain there could be a place for you in our court in Canterlot once your schooling is complete.”
But Spear Shaker just shook his head. “I appreciate that, Princess Luna. But I have a goal of my own and must follow my heart in the matter.”
“And what might be so important you would turn down our offer, hmm?”
He grinned. “Someday, I shall write books and plays. Dozens of them, for stallions, mares, colts, and fillies alike. Of such quality that they’re taught in every classroom even after I’m gone. And when I have, no students will ever have to suffer through reading material written in a dated, archaic fashion. They shall have works that speak the tongue they are familiar with rather than struggling through a collection of out-of-date slang and meaningless cultural references.”
Luna chuckled. “A noble goal. We very much hope to see thee succeed at it. Do save us a first edition for our collection; it will be well worth holding onto, methinks.”
Spear Shaker stood up and dusted himself off before bowing. “You flatter me, Your Highness. I am all the better a pony now for having met you, and for that you have my thanks.”
Before she could answer, Argent approached from the base of the hill. It seemed her quiet contemplation time was drawing to a close, but it was just as well. Her bed back in Canterlot called to her, and if they left soon she could wrap up court by midnight and retreat to her study for some well-deserved recovery time. “Princess Luna, Pincer just returned from his patrol. We can confirm that none of the zombie gerbils escaped to the east, west, or south of the city. As soon as he’s recovered enough to fly north we’ll be all finished here.”
She frowned at the report. Waiting for another patrol to be completed, or even doing it herself, would mean wasting at least another hour or two, which meant delaying her sweet, sweet solitude with a book, a box of chocolates, and a bottle of red wine. “Sergeant, what precisely is to the north of here?”
“Umm...” Argent rummaged through his bag and pulled out a map, which he unfurled between them. Just above the nexus of interconnected lines that represented major routes into and out of Fillydelphia there was a swath of green. “It looks like the Everfree Rodent and Small Mammal Preserve, Princess.”
Luna grinned. “Prepare our chariot, we are leaving for Canterlot in ten minutes.”
“Is that wise? Don’t you want us to finish the patrols first? What if some of the gerbils are still out there?”
She shrugged. “We’re sure there won’t be any serious consequences to skipping one patrol, Argent. After all, what is the worst that a few gerbils can do to an entire forest?”
