The Maretrix

by MrNumbers

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 16289

A matrix/MLP crossover, where Twilight finds Pinkie's antics might have some deeper meaning behind them.

[This is literally only around to keep me humble, to remind myself just how far I've come with practice.]

The Matrix crossover with a lot of emphasis on the humour. First fic ever, only kept here for posterity, but apparently a lot of people actually liked it (?) so I'm a tad loathe to take it down.

Now take the red cupcake. I dare you.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-12 11:15:46 UTC

The NeverForever!

“Can’t I just have both?”

Twilight was not having a normal day. Twilight was in fact having the least normal day of her life, which was really saying something when living in a place like Ponyville.

For some reason all the random occurrences, and the Guards, all seemed to revolve around Pinkie (AKA the Pink Party Pony AKA the Fugitive) for some strange incomprehensible reason. The one and only pony was standing in front of her right now offering her baked goods in the face of a kidnapping and eventual rescue. Well you can’t be unhappy with baked goods at least. It’s a proven fact.

Twilight reached for both. They both smelled heavenly, the sugary aroma causing Twilights stomach to gurgle in protest, Pinkie’s baking skills were legendary.

“OooOOooh, why didn’t I think of that?” Pinkie gasped. “But I’m afraid you can only take one”.

“But…I’m hungry…I’ve been through so much today, Pinkie, but none of it was lunch!”

Pinkie giggled again. “But these aren’t normal baked goods! If you take the blue one, you wake up in your bed. The guards stop following you around, the meanie beanie fo-feanies, and you don’t remember any of this”

Twilight groaned and started reaching for the blue one. Forgetting today sounded like a very, very good idea. The only catch would be explaining crop rotation to Applejack all over again.

Twilight suddenly snapped her attention to the red one. There were worse things than monochromatic evil after all.

“Oh goodie, Twilight, I was hoping you’d wait for the second one. If you take the RED cupcake, I show you how deep this thing goes, it’s all very craAazy you see, and you get some answers. All the answers I can give you. I even get to give you a room MADE of answers!”

Twilight paused for all of a picosecond to give some thought to actually getting some answers, finally, about today.

Then the delicious cupcake was gone as Twilight plunged muzzle first onto Pinkie’s outstretched hoof. Loud chomping sounds were her only reply to the prospect of some actual answers.

Pinkie’s face stayed in a small, tight grin. She nonchalantly kicked open the door behind her and went through the now open doorway, beckoning Twilight to follow. Twilight obliged. She rounded a corner to find Spike sitting in a room that looked almost exactly like her lab. The similarities stopped right about the same time the candy began.

Pinkies strange lab was made entirely out of what looked like pastries and candies. The sticky floor caused her hooves to make a small ‘Splick’ with each step. Okay, it was official; Twilight wanted the answers to begin before she had any more questions to ask. This was all just far too strange.

Pinkie anticipated Twilights confusion. It might have had something to do with another “twang” from her mane. Somewhere, for reasons Rarity couldn’t explain, the white unicorn shed a single tear.

“Twilight, you’ve got to take another leap of faith…Well this one’s more of a leap than a walk, so it should be that much easier…”

Spike just had a long suffering look on his face. Shaking his head he muttered to himself. Twilight swore she heard something along the lines of “Why did that mailmare have to eat the blue one…”

Pinkie shot Spike a Look. Spike sighed and pressed a few chocolate buttons on the console in front of him, just like he was told to do. A candy-cane bookcase on the back wall rotated around revealing a mysterious mirror. Nothing about the mirror itself was strange or odd, though, what made it so mysterious was the fact that it was so normal. Why would Pinkie have such an elaborate way of hiding such a completely ordinary piece of framed glass?

Twilight turned to Pinkie. She had somehow donned a full air flight traffic control uniform whilst her back was turned and was waving expectantly at the mirror.

Is this what she meant by a walk of faith? Was she supposed to walk into the mirror?

“I mean, I’ve seen Pinkie on the other side of the dressing room mirror that one time but”- Twilight’s inner monologue was interrupted by that realization.

Twilight stopped and gaped at Pinkie. She just nodded furiously as if her head was on a tightly wound spring.

Twilight nodded back once. Her resolve was steeled; she walked purposefully one step, two steps, three steps towards the mirror. She finally reached it. She took a deep breath and-

Bump. Ow.

Twilights muzzle bumped against the cool smooth glass. That hurt a lot.

Twilight turned and glared at Pinkie. The Manehatten project alive and well in that icy gaze once more.

Pinkie, for her part, just rolled around on the flaw guffawing.

“Hahaha, Twilight I can’t believe you FELL for that one! You can’t go through normal mirrors YET! I haven’t even turned it ON yet!” Pinkie regained some composure, what little of it there was to regain, before turning back to Spike. “You’ve got to push the egg looking one in now!”

Spike, covering his mouth with a claw trying not to laugh, complied. The mirror was coated in a thick, dark, chocolaty substance.  The previously smooth glossy surface was now rippled and bumpy as what appeared to be milk chocolate rippled across the surface. Pinkie nodded to Twilight again. Twilight in turn sighed and pressed a hoof to the glass this time, just to be safe.

The chocolate rolled up her hoof, slowly at first but steadily gaining in speed. Twilight tried to scream but it rolled into her mouth and down her throat, blocking it out. The chocolate tasted like Pinkie had forgotten to take the metal wrapper off. Her last conscious thoughts were ‘This tastes funny, not ha-ha funny but weird funny’. Then the runny oozy chocolate hardened and solidified into Twilight shaped candy.

Spike looked on in abject horror as Pinkie broke off a chunk at the end of Twilights tail and took a large bite; the Twi-colate shattered.

Pinkie turned and smiled beatifically at Spike.

“It’s your turn now Spikey-Wikey, but you can’t go THAT way. SoOo I’m going to teach you a new trick!”

Pinkie scooped up a bit of the remaining Twi-colate and rammed it into Spikes mouth.

“Now, instead of sending a message you’re going to be sending yourself! Keep the chocolate in your mouth and then pretend your tail is just a big fat, scroll!”

*-*-*

Twilight gasped as she awoke. She was suspended in what appeared to be creamy caramel. The sugary stench was all around her. She swam up through the sticky liquid and broke out of what appeared to be a brightly painted multi-coloured chocolate egg.

The egg was suspended on a gigantic tower, about halfway; one of many that stretched all around her in what appeared to be a brightly coloured farm silo. Bright magical energy loudly crackled up and down the pods, the only visible light source she could find.

Oh the things this awful, sticky substance would do to her mane! Her tail! She glanced back at herself, now that she could breathe, as if to confirm the damage. She was completely bald! She looked like a plucked chicken!

Somewhere, somehow, Rarity collapsed to the ground shuddering in the middle of berating Sweetie Belle for stealing her donuts. Sweetie Belle, not to look a giftpony in the mouth, trotted off with the rest of the box whistling a tune, an impressive feat for a pony indeed, not that Rarity was in a state to appreciate it.

Twilight’s literal and figurative outburst had caught the attention of what appeared to be a polished steel cockatrice. It slithered up to the shattered egg that contained her.

The cockatrice wrapped itself around her, constricting her. It reared it’s polished head up glaring directly into her eyes. It then nodded, as if to itself, and dropped her back into the caramel. The bottom of the egg shattered to the sound of a loud ‘Bacawk’ from the Cockatrice.

Twilight went down what had to have been the stickiest water slide in existence before splashing into what could only be described as a melting pot of soft, creamy nougat. She was coated in the sickly sweet stench of sugar even more than she had earlier thought possible. Twilight tried to swim in it as felt the prickling sugar burning and itching against her bare skin.

Suddenly a bright disco light sliced into existence above her to the blaring of carnival music and a three pronged claw dropped out right next to her.

A disembodied voice, amidst a crackle of static, called out to her. “I’m sorry, I don’t have another coin, and I was never good at this thing, it’s Pinkie that’s good with the Carnival Game stuff…She’s just woken up, I’ll go get her.”

The disembodied stallions voice, for it could only have been male, was bizarre to Twilights buzzing ears.

Also, she wished it had made any sense to her at all.

The static filled, crackling voice returned, except this time it was female and far more familiar.

“Hey Twilight, I’m back, so you don’t need to worry, just sit right there and I’ll grab you in a jiffy! Not like you can do anything else anyway!” The voice giggled at its own joke.

Twilight was filled with happiness along with itchiness. Pinkie Pie was here, she’d make sense of everything!

“Oh Celestia, did I really just think that?”

The claw dropped down and grabbed Twilight, plucking her from the abyss.

The bald unicorn was unceremoniously plucked into the bilge of what looked like a metal pirate ship. A beige earthpony with an hourglass cutie mark stood to her left and Pinkie pie, resplendent in a shiny jacket and what looked like Rainbow Dash’s shades, stood to her right.

“Hey Twilight!” Pinkie gushed “Welcome to the NeverForever!”

       *-*-*

Now, some notes: I haven't been able to fix up the first chapter because my edit function, like my comment function, is broken I don't know how, why or what I'm going to do about it. This is why the first chapter looks so rushed.

I will fix any and all specific problems submitted in the comments, however, though I cannot reply.

Note: 2 stars? Come on, if you're going to vote that low at least give me some explanation guys, I'm heartbroken

Welcome Aboard

Twilight would have thought today was the weirdest day of her life, had she not totally lost track of time.

Aboard the buzzing and humming magic-powered-fluorescent lights Twilight couldn't tell whether it was day or night. She had lost all concept of time on this thrice darned metal ship.

After she had blacked out she had finally come to on a soft woven hammock. Twilight’s almost bare skin was covered with what looked like sewing pins piercing into her. The pins all shared the same wire thread between them and every now and again a crackle of magical static jumped across the wires with a slow crackle or a sharp, quick snap of power.

Pinkie walked in, still resplendent in shades and almighty jacket.

Pinkie Pie wasn’t bouncing, which struck Twilight as the most unusual part of Pinkie’s entry. Usually Pinkie Pie was so buoyant, bouncy and bubbly, but now she seemed almost grounded. Her usual attitude shone through the mostly subdued demeanour though.

“Hey, Twilight, you sleepyhead! I see you like my Captain’s jacket!”

Twilight woozily acknowledged the pink, curly mane Pinkie still possessed.  She felt overwhelming pangs of jealousy. Twilight looked at her body and confirmed she had only managed to grow back some patchy fuzz.

“Pinkeh,” Twilights sugar numbed mouth tried to articulate. “Wha deh hay isth goin’ on hearh?”

“I promised I’d give you all the answers didn’t I? I have to tell you later though, because it’s a doozy, and you need to recover. You haven’t used your muscles before, ever!” Pinkie rolled her eyes at this. “Oh great, and now I sound just like Applejack and Rainbow Dash did before the Running of the Leaves”.

Pinkie suddenly looked away from Twilight and sighed mournfully. She looked almost sad, a look even more perverse on the party ponies face than a serious expression ever could.

“I just don’t think they’ll ever be ready…” Pinkie suddenly snapped out of whatever it was that was bothering her.

“But it’s ok, because you’re ready now, Twilight, and that means I’ve got SO MUCH to show you… Later . For now, have fun watching the crackly muscle stick things, they’ll make you all better!” Pinky turned and left the room on this note in a motion that could only be described as a ‘gallumph’.

“Wai! Pinkeh!” Twilight tried to say.

Pinkie’s head reappeared through the doorway. She just looked at Twilight questioningly, in case she accidently interrupted Twilight’s weak tongue. The Poison Joke incident gave her a certain amount of empathy in this regard.

“Eye’mah sthtill hungreh.”

Pinkie Pie perked up with pride. Twilight doubted she could say that ten times fast even IF her tongue cooperated with her now.

“The NeverForever has the best food in the entire real world! That’s because nowhere else has me working the kitchen! I’ll go grab you something now!”

Twilight’s stomach gurgled appreciatively at the gesture.

*-*-*

“This is the best food?”

Twilight’s stomach gurgled again, this time in protest.

What had been served up to Twilight in its own little wooden bowl bubbled menacingly with a low audible pop.

Pinkie took a deep inhale Twilight took was meant to be a dramatic gasp.

“You’ve got to try it first, silly!” Pinkie’s smile dropped as the serious face descended again. “Seriously, this is all we’ve got, I do the best I can with it, honest." Pinkie sounded almost apologetic.

"I can’t Pinkie Pie swear on it though, because I don’t have any cupcakes around here to give you, let alone smoosh my eye with.”

Twilight nodded sadly from her hammock before levitating a spoon to her mouth. The spoon wrapped in a much paler aura than the one she was used to producing.

The menacing, gloopy substance produced an almost unnoticeable scent. Twilight had wished that scent had been completely unnoticeable. Twilight gulped and swallowed the spoonful.

It didn’t taste nearly as bad as it looked, smelled or even sounded, Twilight mused as she heard another ‘pop’ emanate from the bowl.

Now whilst this sentiment may have come from the fact that almost anything could taste better than the gruel looked, smelled and sounded, Twilight had tasted much, much worse than what was being proffered.

Truly Pinkie could make anything taste good.

Pinkie, for her part, just watched Twilight greedily down spoonful after spoonful. The small, soft smile never left her face whilst she gave her friend the first real food she would ever have eaten in her lifetime. Not that Twilight would know the significance of that fact yet.

Pinkie was so excited because all too soon she’d get to explain everything to Twilight.

*-*-*

Twilight admired the gleaning muscle tone she had developed in her time one the NeverForever.

Twilight’s unorthodox physiotherapy had worked. From what Twilight could observe the machine had sent electrical jolts into her muscles to simulate and to stimulate years of natural muscle growth and tissue to form.

The tissue development had made Twilight surprisingly exhausted, so what little time she wasn’t sleeping was spent devouring whatever delicious gruel Pinkie had made.

Twilight’s boredom and anxiety quickly grew however. Being in a strange new place tied down to a hammock will do that to anypony so she was less than totally disappointed when ‘Captain’ Pinkie Pie had told her that her that the machine she was hooked up to could do no more for her and that the rest of her therapy would involve exploring the ship.

It was disheartening to realize she would have to learn to walk all over again. Whilst Twilight might have liked learning new things forgetting things already learned was an almost unthinkable horror.

*-*-*

The first destination, Twilight specifically asked, was where ever Spike was. The unicorn was completely unsurprised to learn that Spike was spending most of his time in the Mess Hall eating.

Twilight stepped into the Mess hHall only to feel a tight prickling sensation around her ankles. She looked down to the purple dragon currently wrapped around her forelegs. It took a herculean effort to not topple over.

“TWILIGHT!” Spike’s reunion with the Purple unicorn was heartbreaking, “You’re O.K!”

“Spike...Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Twilight was taken completely off guard. She glared back at Pinkie who, like Spike before her, had found her feet amazingly interesting rather suddenly.

In lieu of Pinkie Pie’s almost scholarly interest in her hooves Twilight decided to press further.

“Why  wouldn’t I be okay, Spike?” Twilight slowly questioned.

“Ahh…Well…about that…” Pinkie Pie stammered behind the purple unicorn.

Spike raised an eyebrow.

“I guess you really wouldn’t know. You were sort of not there at the time I guess. Twilight… Pinkie sort of ate you after you touched the mirror.”

Twilight gaped at Captain Cannibal behind her.

“You did what?!”

“And then” Spike continued solemnly. “She made me have some of you too”

Pinkie Pie coughed indignantly.. “Well, not MY fault she was made of awesome chocolate. I mean, you were made of awesome chocolate, Twilight.” Pinkie glanced at the still stunned ex-chocolate before continuing.

“Besides, I needed to show you it was okay so that when I DID give it to you you’d think it was okay”. Her smile reappeared and she stifled a giggle. “It worked, didn’t it?”

Spike’s happy reunion with Twilight finally continued after Pinkie Pie had excused herself from the room as fast as possible under the onslaught of Twilight’s laser-precision glare.

Twilight told Spike everything that had happened after she had been eaten, apparently, in an effort to calm the dragon’s nerves. He seemed to take her shorter fur and much shorter mane for granted, Twilight realized, and looking at him she could understand why.

His scales hung awkwardly off him, the usual shedding process all dragons go through periodically as they outgrow them had apparently never quite occurred in Spike’s lifetime. Spike had never undergone the same process that Twilight had upon awakening though.

“I didn’t wake up, like you did, I just sort of… Aappeared. I guess I know what a letter feels like now.”

“But how did you send yourself… Here? From Equestria? Where are we? Pinkie keeps saying this is the real world or something, but Equestria was the real world too, wasn’t it?”

“Oh cripes Twi, you mean she hasn’t shown you yet?” The dragon’s relieved expression changed to one of panic. “She’s still gotta show you?”

“Show me what, Spike? What’s going on?” Twilight was shocked at the dragon’s sudden change in demeanour.

“I really think we should let Pinkie explain,” declared a familiar male voice from behind her.

Twilight whipped around and saw a beige earth pony with a cropped brown mane and an hourglass cutie mark standing behind her.

“Sepia Tock, at your service, but you can just call me ‘Doctor’,” The new arrival stuck out his hoof.

“Doctor? Are you a medical pony?” Twilight shook the outstretched hoof with her own.

“When I need to be,. Mostly, I just fix things that need to be fixed.” Sepia glanced meaningfully around the room. “Somepony’s got to keep this bucket of bolts running”.

Spike shook his head vigorously, “He’s been teaching me to use the ‘computer’ over there, too.” Spike outstretched a pale talon towards a far door. Twilight could hear mysterious beeping emanating from the room, and a weird green light ebbed gently around the edges of the door.

“It’s always nice having a helping hand around. Seriously-” “ Sepia waved a hoof around indignantly, “Griffons and Dragons have all the luck with fingers. It’s not enough to read the script if you can’t do anything about it.”.

Spike waggled his talons and stuck his tongue out at Sepia, who returned the gesture in kind with one of his own. Twilight cleared her throat pointedly and Sepia blushed furiously.

“Pardon me Ma’am,; I’m not comfortable with the female company. Only one besides me on board these days is Pinkie, and she’s more often jacked in then she is unplugged,” Sepia heartbroken look could have disarmed even Twilight’s most lethal glare.

“But I guess that’s just the way things had to be until you showed up,” Sepia brightened noticeably at the prospect, shooting Twilight his friendliest smile. Twilight felt a sharp pang of responsibility all of a sudden but the sentiment didn’t make sense to her.

“Why am I so important if you have Pinkie Pie? What difference does it make if she’s jacked in or whatever?”

Sepia chuckled, but there was no humour in it. “You’re going to find out shortly enough anyway, Miss Sparkle, I think Pinkie is ready to give you your first lesson.”

“She’s going to give me a lesson? I thought she was going to give me answers?” Twilights body slumped in depression.

Twilight was puzzled and a little ripped off that she wasn’t about to get some answers now, even though she took the bloomin’ red one.

Maybe she should have asked for a Pinkie Pie Swear, and kept the cupcake just to enforce it…

“It’s going to be one and the same, so don’t get your tail in a twist yet, missy.” Twilight just snorted in response to Sepia’s calming tone.

“In fact, I think she’s waiting for you just past here. I believe she’s promised you a ‘room made of answers’? Well… That’s exactly what you’re going to get."

*-*-*

Authors note:

I don't think I'm doing well with this at all. I've got a lot of ideas to work with from here but I don't think I'm a good enough author to convey them well in text. IF I keep going with this I have to work a lot more on my sentence structure and definitely work on my expressive language. IF I continue with this I honestly hope you can see my writing level catch up to the ideas I really want to convey with this piece.

I might just call this whole thing an exercise in futility and delete this sometime tomorrow when I come to my senses.

To anyone who was read this far, unless I am overwhelmed by a nice comment or two here I think my inability to comment or edit will outweigh my urge to write more.

Made of Answers and Icing

Authors note:

…Well, I did say if I got nice comments I’d keep going. And my star rating seems to have doubled(?!). Okay, wow. This one goes out to Amethyst Glow, Zaqup and Twilight_Crow.

And another big thanks to my phenomenal pre-reader, who’s helped every chapter since one be better and better, and now maybe even a second one in Ryunaker. I honestly appreciate every bit of help I can get.

      *-*-*

Twilight stood in a dimly lit room filled with the endless mind-numbing buzzing of magical lighting. Arcing sparks and crackles cascaded down from the mesh ceiling leaving white trails in her peripheral vision. Twilight stared blankly at several grooved slats on the floor, each with its own set of four hoof shaped indentations and wondered what chain of events caused her to get here in the first place.

Pinkie Pie stood there calm and unsmiling which struck Twilight as the disturbing thing about this room. She had now seen more Serious Pinkie in the past few days than she had in almost her entire time in Ponyville.

Apparently now was the time to get the whole room full of answers. As Twilight stepped into the room she quietly closed the smooth metal door behind her.

In defiance of this act the door slammed outwards, smacking the unicorn right in the muzzle, sending her sprawling. Sepia Tock stepped through the doorway aghast.

“Ma’am? How bad are you hurt? Oh geeze, I’m so sorry!”

Despite this something other than the door struck Twilight. A worrying thought, in fact.

“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight began slowly, “Why didn’t you warn me the door was going to open? Why didn’t your ear flop, or your eye flutter?”

Captain Pinkie Pie seemed to dissolve back into regular Pinkie. Her serious look dissolved into something a little sadder. Her shoulders slumped forward. Her curls straightened a little. Her tone became a little wobbly and unsure.

“I can’t tell you now because I don’t have Pinkie Sense at the moment. Around here I’m just a regular old earth pony with awesome clothes. I can’t have awesome candy contraptions or go through mirrors or anything like that here.”

Pinkie’s face grew more determined as she stood up straighter. Her curls didn’t come back completely, but her tone grew stronger, almost fierce. Her eye’s sparkled with purpose.

“I’m going to show you where the real magic happens, Twilight Sparkle. I’m going to show you more than even Celestia ever could. All you have to do is trust me no matter what.”

Captain Pinkie was back in full force now. An almost evil grin split across her face.

“Ensign Tock, show Spike the ropes, or cables, or whatever you wanna call it. Open up plan ‘Gingerbread house’. I think we owe Twilight here some answers.”

   *-*-*

Twilight was in the middle of what looked like a perfectly white cube and she had no clue as to how she got there. Her head screamed in protest.

‘What’s that brain? You’re confused? Well so am I! Let’s work this one out together.”

‘Okay,’ Twilights brain agreed. ‘First we were in that weird metal room’

‘Uhuh,’ Twilight agreed with her mind.

‘And then Pinkie led us over to one of the weird floor thingies, still inside that metal room.’

‘Nothing here is that hard to follow so far, brain, but it still doesn’t explain where we are,’ Twilight agreed.

‘I’m getting to that. Well, then Pinkie giggled maniacally and told us this might sting a lot the first time.’

‘There was a lot of pain, yes, I remember that,’ Twilight nodded sagely.

‘But before the pain she put this weird cage around our head, remember?’

Twilight thought back on that. Pinkie had effortlessly pulled down from the ceiling a shiny contraption. The contraption vaguely looked like two halves of the internal frame head of one of Rarity’s clothes ponies. The tinkling mesh housed what at first appeared to be an upside down ice-cream cone in the middle of it.

Pinkie grunted and Twilight felt the ice-cream cone fit tightly, but not uncomfortably, around her horn. As she had glanced up, her head now almost completely immobilized, Pinkie had slammed the cage shut and the whole ridiculous getup had screamed in protest with a loud, piercing ‘CLANG!’

Twilight had adjusted her hooves in surprise and found they slotted perfectly into the hoof shaped grooves in the floor. They were smooth and cool to the touch, spare for a few pricks on the bottom surface of each one.

And then Pinkie had declared that wicked message and Sepia had pressed a button to accompanying hiss of static.

Twilight remembered the feeling exactly; it started off with an ice-cream headache emanating from the cone. Her eyes were forced shut as the cold pain spread down past her neck flooding her whole body with cold, searing pain. Then her feet must have exploded with the force of a thousand suns; that was the only explanation for the sensation. The icy-cold pain turned red hot and searing lava flowed down through Twilight’s nerves right into the new source of heat, cascading down through her spine.

Then Twilight felt drunk. Not the tipsy, pleasant kind of drunk where one has too many hard apple ciders but instead the disturbing notion that she will now feel some sympathy for every glass of water she drinks for the rest of her life. Her skin turned to stone as her insides debated whether to turn to ice water or soup. Somehow settling on both at once, Twilight’s insides had drained through the plugholes that were her feet.

The experience felt like it had taken hours when it must have only taken a few seconds at most. Twilight breathed heavily in the complete absence of pain she was in now.

‘AHAH!’ She declared to her brain triumphantly. ‘I must be dead, and this must be heaven. Pinkie has killed me and now I can have some eternal bliss or something’.

Twilight leapt off the floor from her previously defensive position and began to do a triumphant little dance.

‘Most likely,’ Her brain soundly agreed ‘but if this were heaven, where are all the books?’

The room was white as far as the eye could see. Twilight shivered a little as her tongue numbed in the cold. She wondered why the rest of her felt good and scratched her head with a hoof in mystification. She was met with a soft, fuzzy sensation.

Twilight turned her head a few times and felt a gentle familiar swish as cool air met resistance. Swish, swish, swish. Twilight stared directly up and was met by a line of dark purple with pink and lilac highlights.

She had her hair back. She had her mane back too! The fuzz had miraculously exploded into the soft coat that she knew and loved once more.

‘Well brain, I’m dead alright, no doubts on that one, but there aren’t any books, or my friends here. Therefore I must be in purgatory.’

‘I can draw no other conclusion.’ Her brain agreed. Her brain did a little flip a moment later though. ‘Hold on, Twilight, listen for a second.’

A faint giggle stunned Twilight’s inner monologue. She whipped around to see Captain Pinkie, complete with Captain’s jacket and shades, looking completely undignified rolling around on the floor laughing.

As the Pink puffball finally rolled to a stop Twilight’s face froze into a look of abject horror.

“Oh, Celestia clop me, I’m going to be stuck for eternity with the crazy pony that killed me.”

Pinkie bounced upright. The cackling only stopped whenever Pinkie needed a breather. Twilight was slightly impressed by how long Pinkie could go without air. Well, Twilight would have been more impressed if she wasn’t so mortified, but still.

“Oh Twilight, you silly filly! You’re not dead! You’ll never have to be here forever because you’re still on the NeverForever!”

“How can I be on the NeverForever if I’m also here?”

“Well, Twilight, if your mighty pants are as smart as you believe them to be, you tell me where we are!”

“I just told you that Pinkie. I’m dead and you killed me, it’s the only explanation!”

“You’re not dead silly I already told you that. Geeze, Twilight, get those carrots out of your ears” Pinkie snorted loudly.

“I don’t have carrots in my ears?” Twilight’s voice sounded oddly muted to her.

She reached up and found a long, hard cylinder in line with her eyes. She tugged hard on it and it came free with a loud, resonating ‘Pop!’ Twilight tried very hard not to look at it. Even out of the corner of her eye she could see it was bright orange.

“Why was there a carrot in my ear?” Twilight’s voice sounded oddly tilted. She sighed and closed her eyes. Her hoof reached up to confirm the damage she feared; she found another hard cylinder shape.

Twilight sighed and reached out with her magic. She heaved and hauled with her levitation but to no avail. Finally she opened her eyes and broke concentration.

“Pinkie, I can’t get it out!” Her voice sounded completely normal.

“Of course you couldn’t, silly, you were tugging on my hoof!”

Twilight whipped round to see a bouncing pile of cotton candy mane.

“Pinkie, how did you do that and also, seriously, never ever do that again” Twilight groused.

“Well silly filly, I promised a room made of answers didn’t I? Well this is IT!”

Pinkie bobbed up and down faster and faster.

“But it’s nothing as far as the eye can see!” Twilight moaned.

“No it’s not!” Pinkie proclaimed “It’s vanilla!”

Twilight cocked a sceptical eyebrow.

Pinkie’s face split in an anatomically impossible grin as she drove her hoof elbow deep into the white surrounding her. The pink hoof came back white. Pinkie’s tongue stretched out in front of her to an impossible length.

‘SCHLICK SCHLURP SCHLICK SCHLICK SCHLLLLURRRRP!’

The white arm was pink again in the time it took Twilight to blink and Pinkie’s expression dissolved into an almost zen-like satisfaction. Her stomach bulged ever so slightly.

A beam of light shone through the crack in the ‘wall’. Inside she saw a giant hall stretching down before her, adorned with breathtaking stained glass and ornate marble statues. The place was achingly familiar.

She was peering out at one of the great halls of Celestia’s palace.

Twilight heard another poof beside her, and another, and another and another final one. She turned to find four individual beams of light shining out at her and a very happy Pinkie Pie with four completely white coated limbs.

Twilight peered through the next one, hoping to get a better view of the palace hallway. Instead she was greeted with the ghastly visage of the everfree forest at night. The dark foreboding spectacle is cause enough for Twilight to move on with no hesitation.

The next hole was the achingly beautiful Cloudsdale at dawn, as golden sunlight spills over the horizon and gives the entire city an unearthly pale halo of light.

Twilight looked at the two remaining punctures with some trepidation. She had no idea how this was happening and she had a feeling she didn’t actually want the answer any more.

The second to last hole was a view of the tree house library, her home. Of course it would be twilight as she looked through at it it. The pale tree stood dominating the surrounding houses and Twilight felt a sense of crushing homesickness settle deep within her.

Her face felt a little wetter as she tore herself away.

Twilight no longer wanted to look through the last hole. She didn’t think she’d like what she saw. There was no way all these places could be in any way next to each other. She turned away but couldn’t see Pinkie anymore. Twilight suspected the crazy pony might have eaten herself.

‘Psst!’

Twilight turned back to the final shaft of light. She swore she heard something…

‘Psst!’

With deep sense of resignation Twilight peered through the opening.

She saw a big bulbous eye staring back at her.

Twilight shrieked and leapt away from the wall. She could hear Pinkie’s easily recognizable guffaws on the other side.

“Pinkie?!” Twilight shouted indignantly “What are you doing on THAT side of the wall?!”

Pinkie’s muffled snorts grew louder

“I think you meant to ask what are YOU doing on that side of the wall!” Twilight heard and could barely make out through the insulated white abyss between them.

The unicorn glared at the hole in the wall and noticed the other holes had become a mirror image of what they had been before she looked through to Pinkie.

Whereas before she had worked right to left and had reached the leftmost hole from her perspective Twilight was now standing at the rightmost hole again. She fell back on her haunches stunned.

“But Pinkie,” Twilight moped loudly, trying to make sure the earth pony could still hear her “None of this is real! It can’t be!”

“You’re right Twilight!” Pinkie’s muffled proclamation sounded excited. “I guess your pants are as smart as they come!”

“Pinkie that makes no sense, why are you showing me what isn’t real?!”

“Because!” Pinkie declared triumphantly, the wall doing little to mute her this time “It’s time for you to see what IS real!”

Twilight stood back up and shook herself off. She slowly headed back to the far right. She peered into the Palace window.

There was no beam of light this time. The castle wasn’t illuminated by any real light source. The ornate vaulted ceilings had long disappeared, the priceless stained glass windows shattered and the tapestries reduced to ash. The palace had long since to be.

Twilight fell into shock. The palace was gone. Celestia was gone.

The next portal had a faint red glow. In desperate search of hope Twilight gazed through to the overgrown Everfree forest. Charred black stumps framed the endless forest fire in the background as far as the eye could see. The ash clouds blotted out the sky in boundless conflagration.

Twilight ran to the next one, desperate for something to cling to. In it she saw nothing, just the low hanging smoke and ashes from the fire before it. Cloudsdale was gone.

Dazed, she sought solace in that last most comforting of windows. Her home should bring her some final comfort is nothing else would.

A rotten gnarled stump covered in dark charcoal greeted her and the torn burnt pages of library books fluttered by on a deceptively gentle breeze passed by. Nothing else remained of her home.

Twilight turned and ran as tears formed in her eyes, anxious to beg Pinkie to tell her what the hay was going on. She slammed hard into the cotton candy mane, standing once more on her side of the wall.

“I promised you a room full of answers Twilight,” Pinkie said sympathetically “I didn’t say you’d like what you saw.”

“But Pinky, how? How did this happen? WHY did this happen?” Twilight mourned the loss of her entire world.

“It’s time you learnt the Truth Twilight.” Pinkie somehow even managed to pronounce the capital T “Every day of your life you’ve been hooked up to a big Make Believe machine, like the one you’re in now.”

Twilight was filled with a glimmer of hope, only to have it shattered by Pinkie’s next statement.

“Only what you just saw isn’t pretend at all”. THAT, Twi-pie…That’s the real world.”

“Welcome to the Maretrix.”

I know Buck Choy

Cold steel grating pressed up against her side and her vision swam with bright stars. The room spun in one direction as her head remained stock still. A sharp all-consuming shrill whistle filled her world. Her heart was trying to explode through her ribcage in rebellion at pumping the molten lead searing through her veins.

Twilight no longer worried she was about to die. Now she worried that she wasn’t going to die after all.

Soft brown limbs wrapped around her and she no longer felt the prodding cold in her side. Twilight nuzzled against the soft fur and heard a quiet grunt of surprise.

Suddenly the stars swam back as a horrendous clanking boomed towards her.

“Hey Twilight,” several pink blurs screamed in an ungodly din at her. “This is the normal, usual, perfectly safe reaction to everypony’s first time,” Twilight chose to fixate on the word ‘safe’ and groaned through her traitorous dry throat which had chosen to become a horrendous slab of sandpaper at a time like this.

‘Oh, Blueblood’s miniscule horseapples, so I’m not going to die then?’

The stars swirled one final time leaving Twilight with blissful nothingness.

*-*-*

Twilight was completely drained of energy both physically and emotionally.

The last time she had felt so helpless she was overflowing with power and the mighty Princess Celestia herself had to step in and intervene. Not now, though.

Now Twilight had the exact opposite problem: She had never felt so completely powerless before in her entire life, so weak, so unequipped to face a world she had just learnt doesn’t actually exist.

Celestia couldn’t help her ever again. As her entire world fell away from her she felt a calming soft hoof wrap around her neck. The strong stench of greases and crude oils filled her sinuses. Twilight dully turned and a beige blur was leaning next to her.

A gruff voice grunted sympathetically from her side.

Twilight blinked away the tear she hadn’t even noticed to get an unobstructed view.

Sepia stood beside her with a furrowed brow and a deep frown carved into a face that could have been anywhere from young to middle aged and his eyes sparkled brightly with intelligence, wisdom, far beyond his years. Twilight impassively realized those eyes were watching her.

“Welcome back to the waking world, in more ways than one I should add. Cap’n needed to talk with the Number One Mate, so I thought I’d wait I might wait ‘till you woke up. Can’t imagine what it must be like learning this for somepony like you. I wasn’t even sure you’d wake up, to be honest with you, miss.”

Twilight’s head exploded as her endless search for answers combatted the firm new belief that maybe not all answers were worth seeking.

The stars swam back as Twilight’s brain power focused on the internal debate and less on such trivial things as staying upright, as once again she felt the room spin.

Her express delivery to the ground was interrupted with a layover to Tock Junction. Sepia caught her with a firm, but gentle grip. Sepia’s frown tightened into a small smile.

“Well honestly, missy, you’re the first lady ‘sides the captain herself I’ve seen in an alicorns age. I hadn’t figured I’d be sweepin’ you off’a your feet this soon,” Sepia’s amused grin irked Twilight.

“And here I was wondering how I could resist the charms of a stallion I just met; one who smells like a used oil-rag."

‘ Ah, sarcasm, the mightiest of my powers. You would never think to leave me in my time of need.’

“Nothing wrong with a little hard work, Ma’am, it just gives you a little pride and a little purpose. ‘Sides, I only just fixed the ships showers and I haven’t had the chance to use ‘em yet. Sickly unicorn mare we were all worried, about needed somepony to look after her for a while, completely depended on me, you hadn’t heard?”

‘Ouch. Point, Sepia.’

“I wasn’t around for any good gossip. Too busy learning that my entire life was a lie and that everything I know and love is gone. No points for guessing why you were still here when I got back, though.”

Meanwhile in Twilights brain Sarcasm had teamed up with The Truth Hurts against Friendship and Curiosity for dominance. The clashing brought forth another dizzy spell.

“Err… Ma’am… You’re, er, eye’s twitching pretty badly. Are you sure you don’t want me to stick around?”

Friendship let out a bloodcurdling battlecry sending Sarcasm fleeing into the dark safety of the subconscious. Curiosity bucked Truth Hurts hard in the confusion as the dust settled.

“I’m not sure… I mean, I am sure, but I don’t… Eugh,” Twilight facehoofed. “Please stay. I do really appreciate you looking out for me whilst Spike can’t, really.”

“Think nothing of it. Heck, Everypony needs a friend now and again, and we seem to have an awful shortage of those around here.” Twilight smiled sheepishly. Friendship saluted, job complete. Curiosity filled the void.

“What did you mean earlier,” Twilights voice was little more than a whisper, “By ‘somepony like me?’”. Curiosity coughed expectantly. “And don’t you mean ‘First mate’?” Curiosity nodded with satisfaction. Truth Hurts stirred, only to be stared down.

Twilight had no idea why she got dizzy again all of a sudden; she just wished it would stop.

“Firstly, Spike got promoted to First Mate in account of the fact that I already do everything else around here it seems,” Sepia grimaced. “But for some reason he liked the idea of ‘Number One Mate’ better for some reason.” At this news Friendship started to celebrate old victories as Curiosity celebrated current ones. Sarcasm lurked, waiting for a chance to strike.

“And a mare your age? A unicorn at that? It’s an awful lot to take in, for anypony, but for those two reasons alone Pinkie should never have been able to pull you out. You’re old, too, no offense,” Sarcasm took a leap but was swiftly intercepted by Curiosity, “Which gives you a lot less flexibility in the mental gymnastics that allows your brain to accept, truly accept, that you were living a lie.”

“But what does being a unicorn have to do with getting out? Shouldn’t it make it easier to detect… Whatever it is?”

“ Unicorns have their own magic, that much is true, but it makes them less in tune with the Flow. They can’t notice when the world stops making sense because in their own mind they fill in the blanks with ‘Because magic’ and that’s that. Pegasus are almost as bad, they shake off everything and ignore whatever isn’t immediately affecting them, whether it be muffins or mach speed, Pegasii don’t notice the little problems. Noticing the fine details don’t add up? That right there is an Earth Pony trait.”

“I think in your case though, Ma’am, from what Pinkie has told me, you’re the only one who didn’t just take Pinkie Sense for granted, that knew she could hide anywhere she wanted no matter how closely you looked. That ‘Doozy’ at Froggy Bottom Bog a while back, seems a little less anticlimactic now don’t it? If it weren’t for that, that trust in Pinkie and the sense that things don’t make sense in that world? Well, that’s why you’re here and, say, Fluttershy isn’t”.

“Yay…”

*-*-*

It’s amazing what purpose can give you. As Twilight started walking back into That Room again to meet up with Spike and Pinkie she was supported by a-

‘Oh come one, really.’

-Still goofily grinning Mr Tock.

“Mr Tock, I demand a full apology”

“For what, exactly, Ma’am?”

“You cheated, of course!”

“And now how did I do that?”

“How was I supposed to know you’d have a wrench, a wad of gum, some duct tape AND a rubber band on you. That was unfair!”

“The trick, little missy, was in knowing how to use them. Now I won the bet, fair and square, and you know what that means,” That evil, smug, malicious, malevolent, diabolical downright dastardly grin.

“But I can’t even stand up by myself!” “The good doctor here just reckons you’ve been leaning on me because I’m just that cuddly. Here, I’ll prove it,” Tock winked and quickly stepped away.

As soon as Sepia stepped away Twilight’s side let out a shrill squeal that hurt her ears until Twilight came to a rest at a forty five degree angle resting on the chrome wall. ‘The good doctor’ meanwhile had four legs sticking up in the air waggling about as his tight, evil grin became a full-on laugh riot.

Twilight’s death glare was cranked up to 11. The air grew colder and light itself fled from the cold, dark reaches of her piercing gaze. Unfortunately the concentration involved in staying precariously balanced was lost and Twilight slipped to the floor.

As Pinkie and Spike came to see what was taking the pair so long they arrived to find Twilight on her side furiously scrabbling her now-horizontal hooves murderously as Sepia flicked rubber bands at Twilight from a few feet away, deeply amused. They silently watched for a minute before their laughter gave the two away.

“Alright, that’s it, I’m doing it!” Twilight turned her ineffectual death glare over to Pinkie Pie.

“Teach me the Japonese art of Buck Choy so I can whoop the ‘Good Doctor’ here!”

Sepia’s giggling paused for a few seconds.

“If you think that making me learn this was funny a few minutes ago, just imagine how hilarious it will be when I get some practice it on somepony.”

There was a soft ‘pock’ as Sepia’s last rubber band flung and hit directly between Twilight’s eyes. Sepia’s grin just doubled.

“Pinkie, you were definitely right about this one. Now, er... I’m going to go have a shower. A long one. Might not be out for a few hours, you know, gotta get alllllll this grease outta my mane and stuff. Door will be locked and barricaded ‘cause you know just how I like my privacy…”

“Privacy,” Spike gawped, “Pinkie was just telling me about that time you and Pinkie had a “’Who had the better plot’” competition and you got all wet just to cheat!”

“Well, she never said we couldn’t, so I won that fair and square”

Twilight and Pinkie shared a look that spoke volumes.

Pinkie went over and nudged Twilight to her feet, carrying her to the same contraption from earlier that had dissolved her insides and destroyed her entire perception of reality. Glancing back at Sepia, who was still laughing and had now gathered the rest of his rubber bands, Twilight decided this was the preferable alternative.

Twilight’s ear prickled and tickled as Pinkie leaned in close and whispered softly in her ear;

“As Captain I have the ability to unlock any room I want on the ship. Don’t tell Sepia, he doesn’t know yet… But IF I unlocked the door to his room and IF I heard some screams of… delight… coming from aforementioned room: I didn’t know how it happened. Kick that damn gorgeous plot for me, okay?” Pinkie giggled innocently and winked.

“And never, ever tell him I admitted it…”

*-*-*

It wasn’t nearly as bad as last time. The searing, all-consuming nova of agony that seemed to last hours last time only seemed to last… Okay, it still seemed to drag on for hours as her insides drained through her hooves, but it didn’t seem like as many hours, which was a vast improvement.

As Sepia cowered in his room, no doubt still giggling like a foal, Spike ran the systems. Apparently the learning programs were simple enough for Spike to practice on solo. Pinkie had told Twilight that Spike wouldn’t be able to enter the system like ponies could, but his nimble practiced hands and his years of study had made him an amazing natural at working the various machines. Twilight had called him her ‘Number One Hacker’ and Pinkie had jumped on the word, literally jumping up and down with excitement.

“Ooh, I SO have to start calling ‘Dr’ Sepia My Little Hacker! He’s going to looooovvvvvve it!”

Whilst Twilight laughed Pinkie slammed the headpiece down before Twilight could tense up.

*-*-*

Brain took over from Twilight as soon as the device clicked and turned on. Twilight was bombarded with a realm of pure, raw, electrical information cascading over her in ways she wouldn’t be able to gather. Her brain, however, was in complete blissful nirvana as knowledge coursed and flooded through it.

No longer held back from it’s learning from how fast her eyes could take in the words from pages but merely the speed of light itself her Brain took up what Twilight herself couldn’t and absorbed every bit and byte of information ceaselessly thrown at it with the vigour of a professional eater at a five star all-you-can-eat buffet.

*-*-*

“Yo, Pinkie Pie, you gotta see this!”

“What is it Spike?”

“Look at Twilight GO! She’s kicking FLANK!”

“Don’t be silly Spike she’s only been in there for five minutes, it takes at least a few hours before- WHOAH LOOK AT HER GO!”

Pinkie had truly underestimated Twilight’s pure embodiment of the pursuit of knowledge.

What she had thought she was giving Twilight was a million piece jigsaw puzzle of a clear blue sky Twilight was disassembling as if it were a 50 piece jigsaw for children. Pinkie made up her mind right then and there; She had underestimated her friends for far too long.

After about 30 minutes Spike shut down the machine. She had completely devoured the entire library bank of Buck-Choy, Artsy-Choking, JuDitzy and Thai-Khan-Doe.

Twilight’s eye’s exploded open, flying every across the room. Her limbs felt stronger from her muscles emulating the key motions in the WarHorse arts.

“Pinkie,” Twilight grinned evilly “I know Buck Choy.”

Pinkie grinned and pressed a button on Spike’s console. Far away a door could be heard to slide open with a whir.

“Take a left, then your second right and the open door halfway down the corridor is where Sepia is hiding… So you know what that means Twi Pie?”

“What’s that Pinkie?” Twilight spoke slowy, carefully.

“I want you to show me…” Pinkie’s simple statement caused Twilight’s head to explode with possibilities.

On that note, Pinkie and ‘Brain’ cackled with evil possibilities.

*-*-*

Sepia nursed his sore flank. The rubber wrapped around his hooves dug into his soft fur. Every time he tried and failed to remove them Twilight gave him a soft smile whilst he fumbled with his impromptu handcuffs. All was apparently forgiven from earlier; it’s hard to hold a grudge when you had just bucked the flank out of someone. Sepia grudgingly admitted teasing the unicorn earlier was still totally worth it though.

Twilight was levitating both her own and Sepia’s spoon for him as they ate the latest batch of Pinkie’s concoction. Sepia couldn’t move his hooves after all. Spike was running the everyday

functions of the ship from the console whilst Sepia was, for lack of other descriptions, out of commission.

“So Pinkie,” Twilight began cheerfully, “What do we do next, Captain”

“Well, first Sepia’s going to teach Spike the more complicated bits of hacking the system whilst we’re inside. The best way for him to practice is for us to be in there, so I’m going to take you through a few more training programs so you know exactly what we’re going to do for our first mission together.” “What do you mean our first mission together, Pinkie?”

“I’ve been underestimating my friends too long,” Pinkie turned her attention back to Sepia, “The biggest reason I’m getting you to teach Spike is because he’s going to be your replacement, Dr. Tock. I want you with us sometimes, and I can’t run the console as well as you can. If you try to run an experiment, like making one of us a Pegasus, it doesn’t matter how well you work it. I can’t help you from the outside. That Pegasus thing was a GREAT idea by the way,” Pinkie clopped her hoofs together enthusiastically. “But whilst I was running the console I couldn’t fix your voice. You go through all the effort to make yourself lighter to help you fly and I can’t even fix something as simple as keeping your lungs the same weight so you don’t sound all squeaky.”

Twilight snapped round to Sepia.

“That WAS you flying in the Equestria’s Young Flyers contest! I remember you! You did nearly ten barrel rolls in a row!”

Twilight snapped back to Pinkie.

“And you were sitting next to me in the audience!”

Sepia grinned with pride and Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.

“Oh no, after I tasted the rainbow I got right the heck out of there. I soo wanted to see Dashie perform but… Sepia had worked so hard on his wings, I couldn’t ask him not to try them out.” “Pinkie, you DID see Dash perform… You were sitting right next to me in the audience?!”

“Well… Yes and no. I wasn’t in the Maretrix with you, but I can’t disappear ALL the time can I? I’ve got to be back here sometimes, or else Sepia gets really lonely. Everypony needs a friend sometimes!”

Twilight noticed Sepia’s smile falter for the smallest fraction of a second but Twilight noticed it just the same.

‘Everypony needs a friend sometimes’…

He had said the exact same thing earlier.

“So Sepia here made a program that puts a Pinkie Pie in the maretrix that runs around for me whilst I can’t be Pinkie Pie for our friends when I’m in here!”

“Sepia, do you have one for me?” Twilight frowned as Sepia shook his head.

“Sorry Twilight, it takes time for me to make one, and I need more data on you before I can program it anyway.”. Pinkie bounced and waved her hooves above her head trying to get Twilight’s attention.

“It’s okay though Twilight, I told everypony you and Spike were working on a really important project and that you needed complete privacy for a few days. Nopony will be worried about you for a while at least!”

Twilight let out a deep sigh as she was both simultaneously disappointed and relieved from this revelation.

“So what next, Pinkie, after Sepia teaches Spike and you teach me for a while?”

“Then, my friends… We’re going in and getting Rainbow and Applejack.”

*-*-*

Authors note:

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/169/897/52639%20-%20animated%20rainbow_dash%20the_matrix.gif

Plot just got real people.

The Stallion in the Red Dress

When hooked up to an elaborate life support and life emulator, powered by aged technology and your brain itself, you want a professional working the important, lifesaving details.

Unfortunately, Twilight had to make do with an inexperienced baby dragon and an experienced pony that lacked the notable benefit of fingers.

In the best case scenario, the experienced pony teaches Spike to the best of his ability, and Spike’s years of practiced hand movements allow a more cohesive whole.

More realistically though, Spike would probably make a horrendous mistake and Sepia would not be able to act fast enough to save them.

If Twilight died because of those two, she was going to murder them. Preferably, she would murder them to death. If she died, she would kill them to death repeatedly and painfully until they learnt the bucking lesson that Twilight was going to studiously teach them.

The thought of sweet hypothetical vengeance soothed Twilight as she was filled with an overwhelming, chilling sense of her own, very fragile, mortality. As Twilight contemplated how easy it would be for her entire existence to just end at the flick of a switch in this endless white void, Pinkie Pie bounced and beamed, completely juxtaposed to Twilight’s own dread.

Then Pinkie giggled and made such an odd expression, halfway between a sneeze and a yawn, that Twilight couldn’t help but laugh with her.

Then Twilight noticed a faint leg twitch, less pronounced than a 'Pinkie sense' twitch was. Pinkie’s normal bounces were stiffer than usual, and her landings hung closer to the ground. Then there was the fact that Pinkie’s hair was ever so slightly limp.

Twilight stopped laughing and gaped when the realization hit her like one of Derpy’s deliveries. Pinkie Pie was just as terrified as she was. Pinkie Pie was giggling at the ghosties.

Twilight was filled with some deep respect for Pinkie Pie.

The awe was ruined when she realized that Pinkie’s latest bounce had landed her directly on Twilight’s horn. Twilight counted to ten before rolling her eyes skywards.

Pinkie Pie had her tongue stuck out and her eyes crossed in deep concentration. Twilight’s horn hardly felt the weight as Pinkie delicately balanced on one hoof on the very tip of Twilight’s horn.

“Pinkie…How are you doing that?” Once again Twilight skimmed over the more obvious question ‘Why are you doing that?'  Most ponies would wonder why one of their best friends would suddenly decide to perform delicate gymnastics on their face.

Twilight was not most ponies.

“Oh it’s really easy peesy ‘When life gives you lemons’ squeezy Twilight! You’ve got to really focus. You know this isn’t real, because you’re really still in the real world back with Sssepia and Ssssspike!” Pinkie gave a genuine giggle at the alliteration.

“So therefore, Twilight, this is like a dream, and you can do whatever you want as soon as you believe you’re dreaming.”

“Pinkie…Are you talking about a lucid state of recognition?” Twilight was dumbfounded.

“Yeah! Well, that’s what Dr. Tock tells me, anyways,” Pinkie grinned mischievously from atop Twilight’s head.  “I think you two smarty pantsy ponies would be really good together, once you figured out who wore the smartier pants in the relationship.”

This opinion completely distracted Twilight from even the most CERTAIN notions of death.

“I’m sorry to tell you this Pinkie,” There was a faint ‘smack’ as Twilight facehoofed hard, wobbling Pinkie’s careful balance, “But I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed.”

Pinkie made a vague disappointed noise, a sort of half grunt, half snort. Pinkie couldn’t apparently stick to one expression today, Twilight supposed. Pinkie’s weight shifted suddenly.

“Oh, oh, Twilight, I have the best idea ever!”

Twilight’s head bobbed slightly as Pinkie leapt gracefully into the air. Pinkie made a figure T shape in the air as she performed a perfect triple backflip, landing stylishly on only her rear hooves, forelegs horizontal at her sides.

Twilight idly scratched her head with a hoof.

“I’ve been telling you that you need to make a leap of faith, right? WELL!” Pinkie inhaled and seemed to inflate like a pink balloon,

“HOWWOULDYOULIKETOTAKEAREALACTUALleapoffaithwithactualleaping?!” Pinkie exclaimed in a single breath.

Normally, Twilight would have never understood the sudden outburst of words.

But somehow, she did understand every word.

Normally, Twilight would stare blankly, or call Pinkie Pie random, but somehow, she could understand what was being said. It was as if her body was operating as fast as her brain usually did. Nonsense had no meaning in this place.

So Twilight nodded dumbly instead.

                                                                            *-*-*

The boundless white abyss all around them, which may or may not have been vanilla in flavour, swirled around and around Twilight until she was at the top of her old library in Canterlot again. Pinkie stood behind her as Twilight hugged the spire beside her, being very careful not to look down, wheezing at the dizziness caused by the entire world spinning.

Then Pinkie did something that would have left Twilight stunned if she wasn’t already overdosed on confusion and amazement.

Pinkie jumped right over the edge.

Pinkie did a hop, a skip and a lunge, all of which easily covered the monumental distance between the library spire and the main castle minaret. Twilight hadn’t even seen Applejack do a jump half the distance of that, on flat ground, let alone one from certain death heights.

Twilight wondered why, for once, it couldn’t merely be ‘probable death’ or ‘uncertain death’.

“You gotta bellllliiiiiiiiiieeeevvvveeee Twwwiiiiiillllliiiiiiggggghhhhhht!” Pinkie yelled from across the distance.

“I DON’T WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE PIIIIIIINNNNNNKKKKIIIIIIEEEE”  Twilight shot back.

“Don’t be a sillllllyyyyy fillllyyyy Twiiiii Pieeee!” Pinkie called. “You KNOW this isn’t real! You can’t diieee inn a dreeeeaaaamm!” Pinkie sing-songed.

“It’s just a hop, a skip, a few happy thoughts and a JUMP!”

So Twilight breathed deep. She knew this wasn’t real. She could do this. She could do anything Pinkie told her she could do. This was like a really elaborate dream. Twilight took a running start.

Just as the edge loomed up, she looked down. This didn’t feel like a dream at all.

Twilight leapt…a normal, pony-sized leap. The last thing she saw, before gravity inevitably caught her in its decisive grasp, was Pinkie, shaking her head slowly.

Then, the castle flashed past her as she accelerated downwards. The ground swarmed closer and closer until finally, the impact rocked her body.

                                                                            *-*-*

Twilight shot out of the machine’s loose restraints.

This time, Twilight didn’t feel the overwhelming jarring nausea from last time. Instead, she felt as if she had woken from a long, deep sleep.

Once again, though, she felt Sepia’s surprisingly comforting hoof wrap around her as the adrenaline wore off. Sepia chuckled.

“I won the bet, Spike.  You owe me your dessert tonight!”

“Aww, no fair. I could have sworn Twilight could do it.” Spike moped.

“I told you, dragon, nopony makes the jump the first time. Nopony has, nopony will.”

Sepia sighed and handed Twilight a piece of tissue paper.

“What’s dis fohr?” Twilight was suddenly aware of her nose bleeding. She stared incredulously at the duo before her.

Pinkie was still peacefully inside her own contraption on the far side of the room.

As Twilight wiped her nose clean of the blood, Sepia grimaced.

“I don’t know why she didn’t tell you…” Sepia gave a long-suffering sigh, “But when you’re plugged in, it is like a dream. When you realize it’s a dream, truly accept it, you can do amazing things…like understand Pinkie. That right there is the scariest thing to happen, I reckon. It’s not like normal dreams though; if you get hurt in the dream, you get hurt in real life.  It’s sort of the spell matrix they use, helps keep ponies immersed in that world, if their bodies react the same in this one.”

Twilight put the pieces together.

“So if I die in that world…I die here too?” Sepia nodded.

“Please don’t tell me Nightmare is going to become involved in this…” Twilight grumbled sarcastically.

“Nightmare?” Sepia cocked an eyebrow.

“Don’t tell me you never saw those old 'Nightmare Moon on Elm Street' movies! Urgh, nopony appreciates classic horror.” Twilight grumbled.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, missy, I love those movies. Watch ‘em on those big monitors over there with whatever popcorn we can still scrounge up whenever Pinkie’s just hanging out, plugged in. She just keeps laughing at the good bits and it kills the mood, you see. You ain’t seen Nightmare boil a lake full of ponies until you see it happen on the big screen.” Sepia grinned triumphantly.

“What I meant is, what is a dear little thing like you doing watching movies like that?”

Twilight was impressed. None of her friends had appreciated classic horror like she had. Fluttershy and Rarity had flat out refused for obvious reasons, of course, but what had surprised Twilight was Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s reactions.

                                                                            *-*-*

Twilight had gotten the original movie out on crystal, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash had originally rushed headlong into the opportunity, full of their usual brash and headstrong bravado.

Movie crystals could project a movie by being given an initial amount of stored energy. By charging up the crystal with magic, the movie would split the light in the room and focus it on a wall. Some very clever unicorns in Holly Woods had figured out that by vibrating the crystal with magic, they could actually get the movies to play with sound, as well.

Applejack had originally agreed to let Twilight project the movie on one of her larger barn walls one night, and, after inviting Rainbow Dash to join them, they had made a movie night of it.

After the first two decidedly hardcore scenes, Twilight was enraptured.  It was a true masterpiece of cinematography, and the special effects were brilliant for the era. The Nightmare Moon monster was truly an amazingly frightful character, killing and attacking ponies inside their own dreams. Her friends had reacted differently however.

“Betcha I can watch it longer than you can!” Came the first fierce whisper.

“Nu-uh, you are SO going to chicken out first!” Came the equally fierce reply.

‘AAARGGHH MY LEGS! MY LEGS’

“Oh, horsehapples I think I’mma gonna puke”

‘I think…I think we lost it…I think….' the pony on screen panted before letting out a blood-curdling scream as Nightmare appeared out of nowhere behind the scared pony.

Rainbow Dash jumped and flew into the air suddenly. Her wing flair knocked the crystal off the table it was perched on with a ‘thunk’. The crystal rattled across the floor as the movie ground to a halt.

Twilight had found herself being pushed out the door and the crystal shoved into her saddlebags rather suddenly.

“Thanks Sugarcube, that was really fun, but lets never ever do that again, kay thanks bye.” Applejack slammed the barn door and whipped around to face Rainbow Dash.

“I sure as heck ain’t sleepin tonight…”

Rainbow merely shook her head numbly.

“So err…It’s awfully gusty out there…Must be awfully hard for a Pegasus to err, fly back to their cloud home in this weather…”

Rainbow just nodded, still hovering a few feet off the ground, the silence in the barn disturbed only by the quiet flapping of her wings.

“So, Sugahcube…You wouldn’t mind sleeping here tonight…Where we’re not all by our lonesomes…”

Another head shake as Rainbow softly, silently landed.

“Right then…” Applejack took a deep breath. “BIG MAC GET YOUR FLANK IN HERE NOW!” Applejack paused for thought as she shattered the silence, “AND BRING MS SMARTY PANTS WITH YA!”

                                                                            *-*-*

Spike just watched, stunned, as Twilight and Sepia talked about all the finer points of the genre. Spike had never particularly liked horror, himself, but he loved watching Sepia and Twilight talk so enthusiastically about it.

Twilight’s eyes would bulge or she’d suddenly explode in agreement as Sepia made another argument, or Sepia’s dramatic hoof gestures somehow would convey amazingly gruesome horror scenes with a few simple, sweeping movements.

So when Pinkie Pie finally gave him the signal to bring her out from her sleep, Spike had quietly gone over and pressed his finger to his lips as she awoke.

Pinkie glanced over at the ensuing dramatic re-enactments between the highly motivated pair and nodded vigorously in agreement.

After about five minutes Pinkie and Spike couldn’t hold it back anymore and let forth an epic storm of laughter.

Twilight blushed and glanced at the floor as Sepia took a step back out of surprise.

“What?” he asked, dripping with indignity.

Spike spoke up whilst Pinkie rolled around on the floor.

“I’m sorry, Doctor, but it’s hard to believe the super serious pony telling me the intricacies of lucid dreaming and artificial mind replication in spell matrixes would be holding his hooves above his head,” Spike mimicked the gesture,

still grinning, “yelling ‘Rawwwwwr’ just five minutes later!”

Pinkie just laughed even harder.

                                                                            *-*-*

After a few hurried excuses, Twilight had grabbed Pinkie and jumped back into the machine. Even though that awful squelchy, sucking feeling came back to her, it now only lasted about thirty minutes. Somehow, Twilight found it much more preferable to letting Pinkie and Spike keep laughing at her and Sepia. Judging by how fast Sepia had dragged Spike back to the terminal bank, the unicorn thought her fellow movie buff whole-heartedly agreed.

She found herself in the main streets of Ponyville. Pinkie strolled beside her, once again resplendent in shades and jacket, looking directly ahead.

“Are we back in Ponyville?”

“Nopie dopie, this is a replica Sepia knocked up for when he gets really bored. The buildings, the people, they’re all the same, but they can’t see us, they don’t notice us. We’re like spookie ghosts, but we giggle at ourselves! Anyway, Sepia made this because sometimes he likes to simulate monster attacks! I swear, when he pulled me out that time Spike had a massive greed-spurt I swore he’d been drooling a little!”

“Pinkie, that’s not funny! Somepony could have been seriously hurt!” Twilight was aghast.

“Well that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. The Maretrix was designed to keep ponykind alive and useful. What sort of system would that be if ponies were allowed to get hurt willy-nilly?

The Maretrix is sort of powered by a kind of magical chaos which keeps every pony safe no matter HOW unlikely!”

“Well if the not-real-world is so good why do we want to take ponies out of it? Wouldn’t I have been happier if I took the blue muffin?”

‘Why ME?’ Twilight added mentally.

“Because it isn’t real Twilight! We can’t make the real-real world a better place without these ponies. Most of them aren’t willing to actually go about finding the truth though, yet. We’re looking for a special pony, Twilight, one that will save the real world. A thousand years the Spell Matrix has run...ever since Nightmare Moon defeated Princess Celestia.”

Twilight found that she could still be surprised after all, and she didn’t like that one bit.

‘The Truth Hurts’ suddenly reared up at the back of her mind with its full force, suddenly shutting out Pinkie Pie for a moment.  Her gaze pointed to a particular stallion walking through the crowd towards her.

As Pinkie started to babble in her ear, Twilight gaped at the approaching stallion. It was undoubtedly Sepia Tock, the beige earth pony with the hourglass cutie mark.  There was no question in Twilight's mind.

So why was he wearing a bright red dress?

Something told Twilight that Spike had decided to play a mean joke on him. As Twilight started giggling, the ridiculous pony passed.

“HEY!” Pinkie exclaimed in her ear. As Curiosity once again wrestled Truth Hurts into the abyss, Twilight herself snapped her attention back in front of her to Pinkie Pie.

“Were you paying attention to me or were you staring at the Sepia in the red dress?”

Twilight grinned guiltily.

“Well Twilight…OH NO! TWILIGHT LOOK OUT!” Pinkie suddenly exclaimed.

Twilight snapped her attention back behind her. Where the ridiculous Tock had once been was now one of the Guard ponies she had seen before.

It was reared back and coiled, a snarl behind the glasses and top hat getup, as it sneered at her.

Suddenly it bucked out with speed no-pony was capable of and aimed with its rear hooves directly at Twilight’s throat.

The D'oh-jo

-Preword: Ah, faithful readers, how many of you left there are. Whilst the admittedly poor first chapter received a whopping 440 views as of this note, my latest one, “The Stallion in the Red Dress”, received as low as 100 by comparison.

The abysmal first chapter appears to be scaring people away from reading past that point, though I understand why.

Well, let’s just say to how ever many of you left: thank you for reading this far. I can only improve and you’re the only reason this is still going at all, but I have some rather histrionic news for you:

This will be the last chapter of The Maretrix..

Don’t worry, it won’t be gone forever: I’m completely redoing the first chapters from scratch, completely overhauling it and rewriting it, now that I have a lot clearer goals and settings and tone and PLOT in mind for how I want to write this. Being a better writer now sort of helps too, I will admit.

This means that it will technically be The Maretrix 2: The Maretrix ReUploaded!

This means taking it down completely though, due to website glitches for me.

The ultimate goal is to get this worthy of publishing on Equestria Daily.

Now, the show must go on.

                                                                      *-*-*

Twilight’s life flashed before her eyes.

She made a decision right then and there: if she somehow survived this, she was going to do far more reckless and stupid things, just so the next near death experience wasn’t so overwhelmingly BORING.

When Twilight finally caught up to the present day, she finally found the fun reckless bits, namely hanging out with her friends, fighting Nightmare Moon, the pie-fight at Appleoosa, the sonic rainboom, and all the other amazing things she and her closest friends had accomplished recently. But every silver lining has a cloud behind it.

Being chased by the Guard Ponies.  Pinkie telling her she gave messages to give to herself.  Being caught by the Guard Ponies and held in that tiny interrogation room.

Being broken out again by Pinkie and an incredibly confused Rainbow Dash.  Riding back to Sugar Cube corner, away from the danger of the tiny, destroyed, room.

Next she realized she really, really should have chosen that blueberry muffin when she got the chance.

She remembered the horrible egg she had apparently been suffocated in her entire lifetime, the chute and the NeverForever plucking her from the abyss.

‘Why didn’t I take the blueberry?’

The prickling pain of physical therapy, meeting Sepia Tock, Spike’s happy face as he mashed buttons, Pinkie resplendent in captain regalia.

What lingered in her rapidly flashing mind most though was lying on the ground being flicked by rubber bands before bucking the flank out of that stallion and sharing a passion for horror movies with aforementioned pony.

Maybe the red velvet cupcake wasn’t so bad a choice after all.  It gave some interesting new quirks to her life…

That thought lasted as long as it took for Truth Hurts to take it’s job a little too literally and remind Twilight that she was, in fact, about to be bucked to death, snapping the unicorn back to reality.

She stared at the unmoving hooves, suspended in mid-air, and waited for time to start again.

After a few seconds, Twilight decided time, in fact, was not starting back up again and glanced back questioningly to Pinkie.

Pinkie’s face was suspended in a look of shock and horror. Twilight just stared as all around her Ponies stood stock still, not moving. The normal background ambiance of busy ponies was completely gone and a deafening silence reigned.

Then Twilight just glared at Pinkie, whose face she had noticed was getting slowly redder than her usual trademark pink.

‘HHHHUUUUUUURRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKK,’ Pinkie suddenly inhaled rather violently, the red draining from her face.

She then expended all the new oxygen rolling around on the floor giggling.

A million times drat. Twilight had come back into the dreadful machine to get away from Pinkie laughing at her. Instead she just found a new reason, and that just wasn’t fair, Twilight mentally pouted.

This had to be solved, ASAP.

Twilight trotted over to the front of the Guard Pony and levitated the pony’s brass and reflective eyewear and top hat off of the violent, yet dapper, anything-but-a-gentlecolt.

Pinkie Pie, who was still chortling, the only sound besides the quiet twinkle of Twilight’s magic in the complete silence, slowly sat up to watch.

Twilight gently placed the top-hat above the Guard’s Tail, on top of his flank. She then fashioned the reflective spectacles to rest upon the tail.

Pinkie started rolling around giggling again as Twilight fashioned the Guard’s tail into an impromptu, ridiculously proportioned, moustache.

As Twilight cantered back to admire her hoofwork, Pinkie reared up and rested a camaraderie foreleg over Twilight’s shoulders.

“And THAT, Twilight,” Pinkie exclaimed delightedly, “Is how you giggle at the ghosties.”

There was a loud ‘Clop!’ as Pinkie slammed her hooves together. Then the colour fell back to the world and time started again.

Where the Guard Pony was before was once again a Sepia in a red dress; albeit now, he had a delightful little top hat on his rump. Much to Twilight’s delight, he didn’t seem to notice as his figure grew smaller and smaller in the crowd.

As Twilight cracked a grin from ear to ear she finally heard tell-tale sounds, a few clopping and wheezing sounds behind her. She turned around to find Pinkie Pie standing on all four hooves once more.

“Now I really hope you’re The One, Twilight! I sort of expected them to be real grumpy pants!”

“The one what, Pinkie?”

“The one ring to rule them all of course Twilight!”

Twilight just stared a hole through Pinkie’s head.

“Oops, sorry, crossed wire there, I think. What I meant was “The One” as in "The one to save the real world.” Weren’t you listening at all?” Twilight involuntarily glanced in the direction ‘Sepia’ had gone.

“Oh right! Well. Long story short…The Alicorns are dead. The world was put into life support until a powerful pony protégé powered the planet again. You’re the ‘princess’s’ protégé and REALLY powerful! If anypony could do it it’s you. Anything else?”

“Dead?! How did they die?”

“ Welp…Uh…I dunno, honestly. I think it had something to do with Princess Luna leaving Equestria in grief forever or something." Pinkie Pie tapped her chin thoughtfully, "For all we know she’s still alive in space! I’m not sure of that, though, or else the sun would be back and Equestria could go back to normal…back to what it’s like in the not-real world. Everypony sort of misses cupcakes….I even tried throwing a “Welcome back from the endless emptiness void of space Luna!” party but nothing worked!”

Meanwhile in her brain Curiosity found an interloper. ‘Oh, hello Truth hurts. I know this must be difficult for you but…Truth, what are you doing?' Curiosity felt panicked all of a sudden.  'Put…Put that down…Get back to the subconscious where you belong and…No, don’t do that!’

Twilight went completely rigid as the world spun around and around again, only stopping when the ground finally rose to meet her.

                                                                      *-*-*

Twilight's subconscious rallied into a makeshift parliament. At the front were the President and Vice President: Curiosity and Friendship. Behind them, they had Happy Thoughts, Good Wishes, Clear Thinking, Rationality and Logic. Leading the opposition were Truth Hurts and Sarcasm, being aided by Guilty Pleasure, Deadlines, Regret and Appetite.

Things started out calm and orderly with the President’s address, leading such issues as how they could help fix this wrong. Happy Thoughts painted images of Alicorn Twilight, saviour of ponykind.

Sarcasm’s biting rebuttal about Pinkie Pie silenced Logic who went into the corner to cry. Logic was tended to with Rationality the best it could, but Rationality could only do so much.

Deadlines demanded that a verdict should be reached before Consciousness came back to clear the floor.  Happy Thoughts promised a fair decision. Sarcasm declared they’d love to see that one happen.

All hell finally broke loose when Regret informed everyone else that they’d lost their Appetite.

                                                                      *-*-*

Twilight opened her eyes. If she closed the left one all she could see was beige. If she closed the right one all she could see was purple. She experimented for a few blinks before Spike offered Twilight a bowl of…’Food’.

Twilight swore she was hungry, but for some reason she didn’t feel she could eat anything.

Twilight realized that through the buzzing in her ears she could hear voices.

“Twi…ght…C..n…Y…Und…nd…me…?”

“I…th…nk…she’s….br…en…Doc…r…”

“She’s n…t.….oken...j…st…lit….conc…ssion….ne...d….to….her up."

A quick sharp pain raced up her shoulder.

Her awareness slammed back into her like a carriage into a particularly ripe watermelon; that is to say, suddenly and rather messily. Her Subconscious exploded into the back of her mind once more.  “Eurghhhhh”

“Good thinking, oh assistant of mine, but, erm…I really sort of wanted to do that.”

A quick flash of red rubber screamed across her periphery and hit Sepia high in the chest.

“OW! Hey!” Sepia cried helplessly.

Spike turned to face Twilight as he grinned devilishly, with four fully extended rubber bands stretched talon-to-thumb, the red rubber on them turning pale and creaking slightly.  There was a barrage of smacks and four red welts emerged on Sepia Tock as Spike unloaded his bounty.

At least that explained what woke her up so much.

“He got me with those, too, when I first got here. I didn’t get the chance to buck him, though.”

“Wait…When you first got out, why didn’t you learn hacking how I learned Buck Choy?”

“Because programming the programming into him would have created a feedback loop that would have melted his brain out his ears,” came a faltering voice from the floor.  “Besides, Spike doesn’t fit in the machines, remember?”

Spike flexed and grinned.

“Nothing can contain these bad boys!”

And then the world exploded in Pink.

                                                                      *-*-*

Twilight didn’t know how she got into this mess.

Captain Pinkie and Sepia had mentioned something about ‘Combat training’ and then something about Sepia being ‘More her skill level.’  Not that she could remember most of the ‘conversation’ as she had been rather rushed back into the brain-sucker-outer machine as soon as Spike had saluted to the group from the control terminals.

She had never thought it possible, but she was actually getting used to being pulled in and out of her own body.

A shiver racked her body as she realized she was actually getting used to being temporarily lobotomized.

That’s not something even a normal-not-normal day in Ponyville could ever equate to.

Twilight opened her eyes a crack and found herself in a Japonese setting. A dojo with head-high wood paneling and sliding papyrus screen doors surrounded a large, cushioned floor. Her hooves sank softly into the somewhat plush matting, and her skin warmed as sunlight poured through the breathtaking skylight high above.

The porous nature of the walls allowed a faint breeze to course through the room, billowing through the mane of a stallion before her. The identity of the stallion was hidden by the shadows, but he appeared to be dressed in a white Kimono which was faintly swaying in the ghostly draft.  ‘Or Zephyr,’ spoke up Twilight’s inner thesaurus, ‘when do we ever get to use a word like that, huh?’

The mysterious Dojo Master stepped forth from the shadows, and Twilight let out a dramatic gasp.  “Why, hello there, miss.” Sepia said cheerfully. There appeared to be a full second delay between moving his lips and the sound emerging.

Twilight tried to reply, woefully. “Hey, Doctor, what are you…Why isn’t my voice coming….Wait there it is why is…Wait, now I'm speaking over myself, this is so confusing.”

Twilight’s losing battle against her own voice frustrated her more than usual. She was used to thinking faster than her mouth would let her, but this was just ridiculous.

“I recommend silence,” Sepia disjointedly spoke.  “This program maximizes your ability to channel the chaos of the Spell Matrix…But it causes a little intermission, a bit of lag, sometimes with the low priority, erm, stuff.”

Twilight counted a full three Mrs Sippie’s before his lips finally stopped moving.

“I’m here to buck your flank, little lady, and that’s the only real priority this thing's worried about.” Sepia smirked while making a grand sweeping gesture with his left fore-hoof.

Twilight suddenly felt something deep inside her.  The feeling started deep in her gut and tickled warmly up across her chest. Finally, the feeling roared and billowed out Twilight’s throat. She collapsed to the floor clutching at her sides from the all-consuming laugh that ensued.

“Hey,” Sepia sounded hurt, wounded, “You may be better at Buck Choy, but I’m faster than you, mare.”

And with that, Sepia charged Twilight and bowed his forelegs as if to pounce. He stopped completely on his front hooves, but his back hooves kept going forwards at the speed of, well, a charging stallion. His hindlegs twisted up behind his flexing back as Sepia uncoiled his arms and pushed off like a powerful spring with his fore-hooves.  The result was a slamming somersault that arced his rear half gracefully, as if learned from a complicated dance move, completed in under half a second.

The unicorn would have been far more impressed if the jump hadn’t just connected with her chest, sending her flying into one of the rear walls.

“Az..wha….”  Twilight’s voice finally caught up with her lips, “What? What the buck was THAT?!”

“Well,” Sepia said smugly, “It was a double reversal of a traditional-“

“No, not that pathetic belly flop of yours,” Twilight cut Sepia off, who had the decency to act offended. “I meant the whole ‘I just defied the laws of physics and flew across the room instead of having my chest caved in’ thing that I was curious about.”

“Oh,” Sepia deadpanned, “That”. Sepia mumbled a little and kicked his hooves at nothing,

“Well, since you can get hurt under the Spell…Well…I sort of…programmed the room to absorb the force meant for a little bit of your body and then ‘bounce’ it slowly across your entire frame. It can get a little, erm, ‘whooshie’ I think the term may be, ma’am.”

The program sped up and slowed down as Sepia talked. It looked as if he were trying to speak a completely different language but somepony had put Sepia’s voice over the top of it.

Twilight’s jaw seemed to fall closer to her knees than it was to her nose.

“That’s amazing, Sepia!” Twilight breathed in admiration.  “That must have been so hard to come up with,” Twilight cocked an eyebrow skeptically, “So why, dear doctor, do you appear to be embarrassed?”

“Embarrassed?” Sepia blurted defensively, “I’m not embarrassed! No, I’m not getting defensive, you’re the one getting defensive, I’m just-“

It was at exactly this moment in the tirade that Spike’s disembodied voice drifted tinnily, clunkily, metallically through the Dojo.  “He based the entire program off a jelly he saw Pinkie Pie make. Pretty much just copied and pasted most of it, says here.”

Sepia facehooved hard, Twilight thought, solely to hide his mortified expression. The smack of his hoof against his head did little to hide his embarrassed wheeze.

“I thought I encrypted the dev notes, Spike!”  Sepia yelled at the skylight pointedly.

“Maybe,” Spike started slowly, even Twilight could hear him grinning though the machine and the distortion, “You shouldn't have been such a good teacher”.

Twilight grinned viciously at Sepia, who somehow only just realized he was just about to teach her how to efficiently kick his plot. Apparently this was something he would be rather good at.

“Oh, buck it,” he declared, “only live once.”

Sepia let out a piercing battlecry and charged Twilight.

Twilight found the ensuing melee a lot like the games of ‘Twisted!’ she used to play as a filly. The only notable difference was that it was a lot faster. Instead of playing on a polka dot mat Twilight found herself trying to artistically place “Front Right” on “Face” and “Rear Left” on “Kneecap”.

It didn’t seem to help that whilst playing on this organic mat of hers that she felt as if she were being jerked and flung around on a bungie cord. The soft whoosh and whump of a blow connecting was immediately followed by gravity finding better things to do.

She felt herself losing ground fast. Sepia was sloppier than she was, displayed less finesse, but his blows were far more efficient than her more artistic methods. She once again was relying on theoretical knowledge against a tried and tested competitor.

Her blows landed far more often than his did but Twilight found that Sepia’s blows were far more effective, despite making contact far less often. Her comparatively nimbler blows were eventually blocked and brushed aside almost contemptuously in the face of the veteran opponent, after a few minutes of constant brawling.

Backed against the wall, Twilight found a way to use this to her advantage though. Propelling herself on one of Sepia’s more direct hoof blows, she rocketed up the wall behind her, kicked off from the sheltered roof, and landed directly behind Sepia. Twilight twisted to sweep his legs from behind him, but Sepia was still faster.

Twisting around his hips like a ball-bearing, Sepia unleashed a brutal chop-jerk thrust, stopping just inches from Twilight's throat.

“Looks like I win, missy, not that you didn’t put up a decent fight,” Sepia stated clearly. Twilight, by stark comparison, was breathing deeply and rapidly, the cool air catching in her rasping throat.

Sepia cocked his head in confusion.  “Why are you breathing like that?” Sepia drawled.

“Because. You. Idiot. I’m. Exhausted.” Twilight rasped each laboured word.

“I think the better question would have been ‘Why are you breathing?’ then.” Sepia concluded.

Twilight refused to dignify that obvious jibe with a response. Talk about a bad sport.

The self-proclaimed ‘Good Doctor’ must have figured out what she was thinking by her expression. Sepia checked to make sure he hadn’t literally been cut by that sharp, pointed scowl.

“You’re the egghead here, genius, think for a second. Your lungs ain’t real because the air ain't real because the entire world ain't real, right? So, simply put, ma’am, why breathe? It’s obviously just holding you back.”

Twilight thought about it and decided that anything was worth trying once.

She held her breath and counted to thirty. She thought she was doing rather well until she felt rather light headed. Twilight glanced at herself and realized she’d gone completely purple, and gasped in a deep breath.

Sepia grinned maniacally.  “T’ain’t as easy as it looks, is it?”

“I turned purple you homicidal maniac,” Twilight squealed in protest. “That isn’t healthy!”

“…Ain’t you always purple, lady?” A tinge of confusion touched upon his question.

Twilight opened her mouth in reply. Then she thought better of it and closed it again. Changing her mind again, she opened it once more for a biting remark. Finding none came, her mouth snapped shut with a clack once more.

“That’s what I thought. Mighty fine impression of a goldfish, by the by, but it can be hard to adjust to the whole 'not breathing' thing, I get that. After spending so long getting so good at breathing and all that, years of practice gone to so much waste, it gets a little weird. Sort of like, well, forgetting how to breathe, I guess.”

Twilight closed her eyes and held her breath again. And held it. And held it.

When she finally started to think that maybe the stallion was right, she felt that familiar nagging that meant ‘Yeah, breathe now’ coming from her lungs. Instead of obeying, she imagined a healthy pair of lungs full of air and willed it to be.

The feeling vanished almost as fast as if Twilight had just taken a deep breath.

“Well, we do have a fast learner on our hands,” Twilight slammed her eyes open to find that Sepia had disappeared behind her, “but you still don’t know why I whooped you just now."

Twilight shook her head as grumpily as possible. Rainbow Dash might have hated losing more, but Twilight couldn’t stand a bad sport.

“Yes, I do, Doctor,” Twilight grated, “It’s obviously because you’re bigger and faster and stronger and more stallion-ier than me.”

Sepia stood perfectly still. He then seemed to channel Pinkie’s ‘zen’ expression. Twilight found the expression was much wiser when she wasn’t looking directly up at it delicately balancing on her facial features.

“Why would you think me being faster, or stronger, would have anything to do with me being bigger in this place?” Sepia spoke profoundly. He then proceeded to kill the mood with his next line.

“But yeah, I’m more of a stallion than you’ll ever be, little lady” he winked.

That was cause for pondering. If lungs weren’t required, she mused,  why would size, or muscles, have anything to do with speed or strength?  It would be down to willpower, like how she imagined breathing, and…oh Celestia have mercy…who could think fastest. Every Hearth's Warming wish was coming true, and Twilight felt more than a little warm and fuzzy at the thought.

‘Brain,’ Twilight internally commanded, ‘Activate late night cram session procedure Pony Joe!’

Her brain complied with the demand and suddenly Twilight felt a mental rush hit her as if she had suddenly eaten a dozen sprinkled donuts and ingested about a gallon of black coffee. It was a practised procedure Twilight had learned after years of late night cram sessions as the Princess's personal student.

Just like all her kicks, she knew she would pay for this burst of mental machinations later, but for now one thought played in her mind.

“I might not be able to be more of a stallion than you, Sep, but I know one way to make you less of one,” Twilight gloated before wondering if she’d accidentally said that part out loud.

Sepia’s horrified look confirmed the worst. Whoops.

With her newfound temporary brain burst one option clearly stood above all the rest. It was graceful. It was elegant. It would clearly deal with the situation put before her. It was, simply put, a masterpiece of mental and cognitive processing.

Twilight bellowed her own almighty battle cry and charged Sepia with the force of a speeding train. She indeed put the ‘Loco’ into locomotive.  Sepia turned a little paler and gulped.

‘Why, oh why, am I such an amazing teacher?’

                                                                      *-*-*

As Twilight slowly emerged from the machine back into the NeverForever, she had time to look back on what had happened in the moments after.

Sepia had been pushed back this time, which had forced him to fall back on quick jabs, rather than the expertly placed power blows as he had the first time.  Twilight’s brutal onslaught had defied several laws of anatomy and a few laws of physics. Just as the battle started drawing to a climax, Sepia matching her blow for blow in a desperate attempt to reverse the situation, and Twilight had learned a few things.

She had learnt that in that world, when she put her mind to it, she could do amazing things.  She learned that running up walls was amazingly fun.

And, as the final blow was struck, she also learned what Sepia Tock sounded like a few octaves higher.

With the fight over and the adrenaline ebbing away, Twilight ran over to assist the fallen Sepia Tock as he, too, came out of his own stasis. As Sepia knelt on the ground and wheezed a few times, he felt a gentle purple foreleg wrap around his shoulders. Spike was desperately trying not to laugh, and failing, as Sepia leaned into Twilight’s comforting embrace, momentarily forgetting why he needed it in the first place.

It was in this rather awkward moment of comfort that Captain Pinkie strolled in.

“Righto, lovebirds and lazy bones,” She bobbed her head cheerfully at Sepia and Twilight, their muffled protests cut short as Pinkie continued, “I think we’re about ready, ladies and gentleponies. Spike seems to have zilcho problems running the controls, and Twilight seems to be able to handle this right at the moment and all that rubbish so…Pip pip, tally ho, into the Spell Matrix, here we go!”

Sepia tried to add a word in edgewise again, but all that came out was a highpitched squeak.

“Awesome-sauce! Let’s go find our friends, before somepony else catches on.”

                                                                      *-*-*