Chapter 1: What Happened Now?
Author: zachedwrad94
Co-author: DropDeadThenDance
Word Count: 2,559
Warning: Excessive use of strong language, extreme fucktardism, suggestive themes, and mild cartoon violence
Distant rumbling… Thunder? No, it didn’t sound that way to her at all; it sounded more like someone running, stumbling around actually, like a drunkard. She moved a bit, rolled, but everything felt strange and disproportionate. Her body felt abnormally light, as if she were full of helium, and her hands… Why couldn’t she feel her hands, or even her fingers?
She flinched in her state of haze, shifting about in an attempt to get a better look, struggling with a cottony soft blanket enveloped around her body. All she could see were blurred shapes, colorful blobs throwing themselves at a much larger, lighter colored shape, flailing about wildly. It roared at the colorful blobs, bouncing off of one of them and then fell back.
The sound of shattering glass filled her ears, the cracks in each piece echoing like gunfire. Oh how her head was throbbing. She pushed herself up, her head spinning with the effort of trying to focus on the peculiar shapes. “Bitches!” the whitish smear shouted hysterically, anger flaring up in its voice. “Get the fuck off me! Damnit, I’ll fucking snap your head off your fag-ass little shoulders!” it bellowed as it threw itself into another colorful blob, throwing the smaller shape back into a large, blueish object.
“Tyler?” she questioned groggily, squinting her eyes in an attempt to better make out the shapes flinging themselves about in front of her. The voice was certainly his, but he was ignoring her… She grumbled a little to herself, blinking a few times as she tried to find her glasses. Her hands were completely numb, her fingers feeling almost as if they didn’t exist at all, but she figured being able to see would explain everything. “Tyler!” she shouted this time, her voice harsh and dry. “Save your fucking menstruating for later, I have a goddamned headache from Muppet hell,” she murmured as she finally found what felt like her glasses.
She scooped them up gently, testing the weight to see if they felt right, and then went to put them on her face but something was wrong. Her hands bumped into a shape protruding from between her eyes, something unfamiliar and very much in the way. She was about to begin cursing but noticed something else that troubled her… Her glasses felt abnormally large in her hands. Quickly she pushed them into place, trying to fit them over the strange thing on her face, then focused on the scene about her.
She paused at that exact moment, everything suddenly clear. It just wasn’t right, something was so totally wrong with what she was seeing; were those My Little Ponies flailing about in front of her? She reached under her glasses, rubbing her eyes with the numb ends of her hands. It looked like she was staring at a massive, 360 television, everything around her delicately colored and child friendly in appearance.
She looked up again, eyeing the ponies in front of her more carefully, and the area around them. She saw the broken jar on the floor, shattered into twenty or so pieces. There was a gurney across the room from her, flipped on its side, and there was a nurse pony hanging limply over it. They moaned softly, grumbling about their back, and she blinked several times.
“Somebody date raped the fucking hell out of my drink last night,” she murmured as she looked ahead again. There were three ponies in front of her eyes, throwing themselves back in forth in a manner that very poorly resembled fighting. Two of the ponies were much smaller, one of them a sick minty green with lemon yellow hair and the other was a much more calming blue with greyish hair. Both poines were wearing what looked like labcoats, one of them having a stethoscope hanging around his neck.
The pony in the middle was much larger than the other two; his mane and tail were a dark brown while his coat was ashy white, his eyes a clear blue green, and he wore bulky, wire framed glasses on his nose. He dropped down hard on his front hooves, eyes narrowed, and he kicked out harshly with his hind legs.
He connected with one of the doctors’ faces, the blue colt being sent flying backward into a cupboard leaned up against the far wall. The white stallion turned again, nostrils flaring for a moment, and then he stomped his right hoof. “Yeah, get some of that you homo little bitch,” he said proudly then turned around sharply, knocking the nurse pony to the ground.
“Holy shit,” the new pony murmured slowly, her eyes widening slowly as she realized who she was staring at. “Holy fucking shit, Tyler?” she squeaked suddenly.
The white stallion turned on her now, eyes flaring with some raw mix of anger and relief. He trotted over to the gurney, grabbed her from the bed awkwardly with his hooves, and tossed her to the floor as gently as he could. She rolled and laid flat on her stomach, her breathing beginning to become rapid as she stared down at her hooves. “Holy shit… Holy fucking shit… I’ve got motherfuckin’ hooves,” she mumbled slowly, her pupils shrinking abnormally small as her eyes grew to the size of plates.
She jerked her head up suddenly staring at random objects in the room. “The fuck is that?!” she hollered, pointing her newly discovered hoof at the over turned gurney, her mind suddenly no longer registering what she was seeing. She turned again, jerking upward so she was sitting back on her flank. “The fuck are those!?” she screamed, pointing at a few random hooks in the ceiling. “The fuck is this!!?”
Her mane and tail were a dark burgundy, her coat a chocolaty brown, and her eyes were an emerald green. She dropped down again, burying her head under her forelegs and began mumbling incoherently. Tyler, the ashen colored pony, walked over to the twitching mare on the floor, throwing herself around as she began to panic and freak out, and he sighed.
He grabbed the pony awkwardly with his hooves, looking rather discontent with his efforts, and then steadied her on her hind legs and flank. Suddenly, he back handed, or hooved, her across the face. The mare rolled, her back against the floor, and she stared up at the ceiling with spinning eyes. “Lindsey!” Tyler shouted as he slammed his hooves down next to her head.
The brown pony jerked to life suddenly, throwing herself away from the ash pony, and rolled until she was back up on her feet. “Invisible toast and Nazi jam!” she screamed suddenly, rearing up on her hind legs, and then toppling over backwards and onto her back again. “Da fuck just happened Holmes?” she murmured slowly, confusion ebbing into her tone.
“Yeah, that’s about the same fucking thing I said an hour ago,” Tyler said, his tone snappish.
Lindsey stared at him blankly for a few moments, her eyes and mind adjusting to everything they were taking in. “The hell man!?” she screamed at him accusingly, surprising Tyler. “You just jack slapped me across the fuckin-” she had begun an angry rant, her mind riddled with insults and accusations, but the sound of the door being thrown open caught both new found ponies by surprise.
Two nurse ponies assailed the room, both white but one with pink hair and the other with blue. They exchanged looks for a moment, their eyes then traveling about the room as they found all the damage Tyler had done since coming back to the land of the living. It looked as if the blue haired pony was about to speak, but a groan from across the room drew everyone’s attention away from the conflict.
Lindsey trotted over to the last remaining gurney in the room, a shape much larger than herself curled up beneath it. She considered what it might be, or who for that matter, and debated on pulling the covers away, but Tyler’s screaming overtook her state of mind once again. “Where the fuck I am, and how the fuck did I get here!? Huh?” he demanded of the two considerably smaller ponies. “And I want a straight fucking answer, damnit!” he snarled as the nurses backed away slowly.
“Sir, please just lie back down,” the pink haired mare murmured calmly, the sweat on her brow betraying her. “You haven’t recovered from the accident yet. You need your rest,” she stressed as Tyler moved towards her, eyes narrowed into thin daggers as his anger began to boil.
“Sir, if you can’t control yourself, we’ll be forced to call the police!” the second nurse squeaked, her voice much higher than the first mare’s.
Tyler roared suddenly, throwing himself back a few steps, then grabbed the edge of the gurney Lindsey had been standing by. He reared up on his hind legs, shoving his hooves under the gurney. “Fuck the Police!” he screamed as he flipped the bed, flinging it towards the nurses, and causing whoever had been lying in it to fall clumsily to the floor in a heap of white sheets and blue blankets. “I want out of this goddamned kiddie show, and I want some fucking answers!” Tyler snarled as he grabbed the corner of the flimsy cabinet.
The two nurse ponies snatched up the unconscious doctor pony, dragging him away from the scene they saw coming. Likewise, Lindsey also understood where Tyler’s mind was, and quickly leaped across the hospital room and ducked behind the other over turned gurney. Not even a moment later, Tyler smashed the cabinet into the floor, then slamming his hooves down on the back of it, the wood buckling under his weight, and snapping.
Lindsey stared uselessly, her head still throbbing from when she first woke up. Everything was happening so quickly, and Tyler was completely out of control. She couldn’t fathom how they were there, or what had happened that had put Tyler in such a rage. She tapped her chin for a moment, considering that simply the sight of the ponies had caused him to snap.
She inhaled slowly, sucking in surprisingly cool air, as she watched Tyler rip up planks of wood from the cabinet, casting them aside like a boss. She pushed herself up, about to call out to the crazed stallion, but a new voice interrupted her. “Oh my god,” the voice drawled on slowly, the pile of blankets shifting about slowly and seemed to grow considerably as the being inside began to stir. “God Tyler, I have such a headache… Agh, why?” the voice continued lazily as the blankets began to fall away.
Lindsey propped her front hooves up on the tipped gurney, brow raised in curiosity. “Zach?” she called enquiringly and the massive pony turned slowly, his dusty brown eyes refocusing on her for a moment. He was at least twice the height of a normal pony, maybe as tall as Celestia herself, and his coat was amber brown, mingling well with his burnt cake brown mane and tail.
The giant of a pony stared at her for several strained moments, his eyes slowly growing wide. “Lindsey?” he questioned uncertainly and the red head nodded quickly. Zach’s head snapped down, staring at his legs, and then he turned his head sharply to the rear and stared at his tail, watching it flick slightly. “Whoa,” he said slowly. “Whoa,” he said again, a bit louder. “We’re ponies!” he said suddenly, his voice assaulting Lindsey’s already sensitive ears.
Tyler barrel tackled Zach, screaming again. “This is your fault!” he accused, his eyes burning holes into Zach’s form as he slammed into the other stallion. Although the height difference was drastic, Zach toppled over easily, his form much thinner than Tyler’s who obviously had a much more muscular build compared to the lean brown colt.
Lindsey rushed over to the pile, feeling daring, and jumped on top of both ponies as they rolled around on the floor. “You damn morons! We’ve got more important stuff to worry about!” she tried to reason, barely keeping her hooves planted against Tyler’s back. The ash pony bucked a bit, knocking Lindsey back several feet and she rolled a few times.
The red head grit her teeth as she stood, her eye beginning to twitch. “Fuck you Tyler!” she screamed at him again. Suddenly a bright aura of orange light wrapped itself around Tyler, yanking him off of Zach, and casting him into Lindsey’s bed, the only Gurney that hadn’t been flipped during the madness of Tyler’s waking.
Lindsey blinked, confused by what had happened, and quickly began to inspect the room for the unicorn that had tossed her friend from Zach. “That was well timed,” she murmured, ignoring Tyler’s pained groan.
“Hey, Lindsey,” Zach murmured slowly, seemingly staring at her face.
The red head huffed, looking annoyed. “What?” she asked a bit harshly, then paused and put her hooves to her face. “Do I have something on my face?” she asked quickly, her hooves moving about quickly in search of the offensive object.
She heard Tyler move behind her and he snorted, smirking a little. “Oh yeah, there’s something there alright,” he teased and she stared at him with wide eyes, fearing that it was something really terrible.
She swung her hooves upward with the intention of knocking the object off of her face, but her forelegs crashed into something hard on the way up. She jerked in surprise then peered upward, nearly going cross-eyed as she fixed her eyes on the thing that had caught her off guard.
From the center of her forehead she found a small, swirled horn.
She threw herself backwards, her hooves colliding with the horn. “I’m a motherfucking unicorn!” she screamed in disgust and horror. “No! I refuse, I hate these snobby sons of bitches!” she ranted on, obviously crazed as she rubbed the horn against the floor, doing more damage to the pristine white tiles than the horn sticking out of her forehead. “Does not want, I repeat, DOES NOT WANT!” she roared, about to slam the horn into one of the overturned gurneys.
Zach, knowing that damaging the horn would seriously hurt, grabbed Lindsey and yanked her away from it. “Oh, come on!” Tyler whined. “She’d never do it again after that, I promise,” he taunted and Lindsey glanced at him, glaring, but said nothing more.
Neither of the three ponies had realized that the nurses had left, but when they returned with what looked like Royal Guards, Tyler climbed up at last and grinned a bit, worrying the other two. “Alright bitches,” he said as he kicked the gurney aside, allowing it to slam into the wall behind him. “Who’s first?”
“Just wait Tyler,” Zach said calmly, stepping between the guards and his friend. “Let’s figure this out first,” he offered and Tyler glared at him but didn’t move. Zach nodded once, thankful, then turned to the guards, Lindsey trotting up next to him while Tyler took his other side. “Gentlecolts,” Zach said calmly, already very much adapted to the ponies’ ways of speaking. “What’s going on here?”
Chapter 2: The Definition of Fuck
Author: zachedwrad94
Co-author: DropDeadThenDance
Word Count: 2336
Warning: Excessive use of strong language, extreme fucktardism, suggestive themes and mild cartoon violence
The guards worked their way into the room silently, their numbers far more than Zach had first guessed. It had appeared that there were no more than four of them, but as their group of three was outnumbered by a squad of twelve unicorns, he figured they were very much screwed if things went sour for them.
Tyler’s nostrils flared, obviously not as impressed by the opposing unicorns as Zach was, but he didn’t jump forward this time. Zach’s prying eyes were trained on him, silently begging him not to do anything rash, but Tyler had already done a considerable amount of damage to the hospital since waking, so there really was no telling what would happen from here.
Two of the unicorn guards stepped forward suddenly, their horns blazing, and Tyler was hoisted into the air, a greenish aura surrounding his body and keeping him immobilized. The ashen pony began to struggle, surprising the unicorns, and they rushed forward with what appeared to be shackles.
Zach wasn’t entirely surprised as Tyler began to muscle his way through the guards’ spell, his hot headiness fueling him as he began to kick and struggle with the force field and, to the guards’ surprise, he was actually breaking free. One of them came up with the strange pair of shackles, not willing to let Tyler escape, and snapped one of the cuffs around the pale stallion’s hooves.
The guard had to duck to avoid getting kicked in the face, barely managing to get another one of the cuffs onto the aggressive pony, and by then his fellow guards were finally jumping in to help him. They dragged Tyler to the floor, doing their best to hold him down as he kicked and swore violently at them, his limbs thrashing about.
Lindsey watched from Zach’s side, noting the size differences she’d noticed between all of the ponies she’d seen; Tyler was considerably larger than her, a head and a half taller at least, and his muscle mass was considerably higher than her own. However, she was taller than the nurse ponies who’d been in the room not long ago, and the guards were actually about the same size as Tyler, but much shorter than Zach who was towering over her by at least two and a half heads.
There was a loud crash and Lindsey jumped, looking up to see that Tyler had slammed his back hoof into a guard’s head, knocking his helmet off, and sending it clattering into the wall. The guard jumped back up, shaken but not down, and then body slammed Tyler with a cumbersome roar. Tyler gasped when the guards body collided with his own, nearly knocking the wind out of him.
“Geez,” Lindsey murmured as the guards finally had Tyler shackled down. “You’d think that would have been less of a pain,” she whispered to Zach, still watching as the white stallions yanked Tyler up onto his hooves.
“Eh,” Zach replied simply.
“You two,” a guard said suddenly and they both turned, looking at him with wide eyes full of expectation, and maybe a little worry. “Come with us, we need to collect the rest of your party before your appointment with the Princess,” he said and then turned, gesturing the other guards drag Tyler from the now completely demolished hospital room.
Lindsey’s eyes began to glisten with some sort of excitement. “Oh my god, Zach,” she said in a squeaky voice, scooting closer to Zach with a wide smile on her face. “We’re gonna go meet Trolestia,” she said with a wide grin.
Zach looked less than enthused by the idea, but let a thin smile creep across his face. “Yay,” he said apathetically. “We’re gonna get trolled,” he groaned then frowned. “I don’t wanna.”
“Hey!” one of the guards snapped, taking a step towards the two brony ponies. “Don’t speak about the princess with such contempt!” he snarled at them, taking an aggressive step forward. “You’re lucky her majesty would even have an audience with you! The Captain of the Guard has reason to think you ponies are Changelings spies, so don’t think you’re off the hook or anything!”
Lindsey raised her brow at him, looking a bit skeptical. “Changelings? Really?” she murmured a bit sarcastically. She inched towards the guard, an evil little glimmer in her eye as she stood on the tips of her hooves, inching closer to his face. “Don’t you think changelings would do a better job hiding out than this?” she asked in a slightly creeper voice. “Isn’t it possible that we’re just a distraction, a poor group of unsuspecting ponies, and the changelings are infiltrating the capital right now while you’re wasting time here with us?”
Zach stood nearby, his eyes half lidded with a dark look in his eye. “Could be,” he said slowly, Lindsey creepishly scooting back so she could stand next to Zach. The guard stared at them, a nervous look flickering in his eye for a moment, but then Zach shrugged casually. “But that’s probably not it, right Lindsey?”
The red headed mare nodded casually, acting as if her previous statement had meant nothing at all. The guards looked back and forth between Lindsey and Zach, unsure of what to think, but they inched back and headed towards the door. “Either way,” the aggressive guard said. “We’re wasting time, come on,” he commanded.
Tyler rolled his eyes, his mouth moving mockingly to copy what the guard had been saying. Lindsey snickered as she trotted behind Tyler, the ashen pony making faces at the back of the guard’s head, while Zach inched along at the tail end of the trio. The guards had surrounded the group by now, leading them down the hall and past a few doorways where sick ponies were being treated.
The trip was short, probably less than a minute and ended with Zach, Lindsey, and Tyler being led into another hospital room very similar to their own. From inside, Zach could hear a familiar voice talking very rapidly with a harsh note of irritation lingering in their words. “Just stop, just shut the fuck up, and listen,” the voice said with quickening agitation. “Give. Me. A. Fucking. Cigarette,” the voice hissed and Zach entered the room, curious to see who was speaking.
On the far end of the room there was a heavier set pony with a dark grey coat and a blonde mane and tail. Both his mane and tail, however, were cropped and looked as if a monkey had attacked his head with a machete. The pony had off blue eyes that seemed unfocused, though irritated, and were framed by a set of round black glasses.
He seemed oddly familiar to Zach, the tall pony studied the other stallion for a moment until he realized something was very off about this pony. Protruding from his head was what appeared to be a horn, much like Lindsey’s, but with one very obvious difference. The grey colt’s horn was snapped crudely in the middle, leaving an odd, misshapen shard sticking out of his forehead.
In his mind, only a single one of his friends matched this odd interpretation of pony animation. “King?” Zach asked curiously, drawing Lindsey and Tyler into the room with expressions of interest.
The dark grey pony glanced up, his eyes narrowing a bit as he stared at Zach, than he threw himself back onto the gurney. “For fuck’s sake!” he groaned, obviously irritated. He shot up again then, eyes narrowed into a thin glare. “One of you better have a fucking cigarette, or so help me, I’m gonna be kicking all kinds of ass,” he threatened.
“King, I thought you quit?” Lindsey asked, her head tilting slightly. She’d become very accustomed to the ponies over the last ten or so minutes, and seeing yet ANOTHER one of her friends now in pony form didn’t really bother her too much.
King lifted his hoof suddenly, his eyes wide with his pupils shrinking to the size of pinheads, and he pointed at Lindsey with a nasty look on his face. “Don’t fuck with me right now, okay?” he said stubbornly, his eye twitching. “There’s some crazy pony bullshit going on, which is probably you and Zach’s fault, so I think I’m entitled to a god damn smoke,” he snarled, still looking at her as if he may leap across the room and snap her neck.
At that moment, Tyler shoved past Lindsey and Zach and threw himself across the room, tackling King right out of bed. The blankets flew up around them, ensnaring the two stallions in an awkward embrace. The scene was only made worse when the guards entered the room, finding themselves staring at Tyler clumsily humping King through the hospital sheets, the ash white pony roared, seemingly insane to all the normal ponies present. “Take it, King! TAKE IT YOU FILFTHY WHORE!!”
“Get your dick out of my ass, you pervert!” King screamed, obviously even more annoyed than he was just moments earlier. The grey pony struggled with the sheets, kicking and screaming in an attempt to get Tyler off of him.
“You know,” Lindsey murmured, watching as two guards rushed over to the scene, trying to pull Tyler off as he screamed he needed to make love to his fat skank. “For a guy totally shackled, he’s still pretty agile,” the mare commented, looking a bit disgusted as Tyler was finally yanked away from King.
Zach nodded, watching as the guards attempted to pin Tyler to the floor, the white colt surprising them as he bucked and threw them off. “Yeah, but Tyler’s kinda crazy, so it makes sense,” he reasoned and the smaller female made a little face, seeming as if she suddenly understood exactly what was going on.
“No! Let me love you!” Tyler cried, obviously having an extremely good time as the guards pried him from King, the grey pony being restrained as he attempted to smash a metal tray over Tyler’s head.
On the opposite side of the room, Lindsey noticed another pony. A younger looking white stallion with square framed glasses, a well groomed, cocoa brown mane and a long, luxurious tail. His pale green eyes seemed totally calm, he himself seemingly unaffected by everything that was happening around him, and for a moment Lindsey wondered if he was a normal pony.
However, his voice was a dead giveaway; full of self-proclaimed authority and a lack of discomfort. “Austin?” Lindsey questioned, drawing Zach’s attention to the pony that appeared to have just walked out of Canterlot.
He glanced over, his conversation with the doctor bluntly interrupted. “Lindsey?” he returned, confirming both of their suspicions. “Well,” he murmured, his hoof rubbing the back of his head. “At least I’m not stuck here with King and Teddy,” he said with a slight shrug, seeming as if being stuck with the ponies mentioned was less than appealing.
“Teddy’s here!?” Lindsey gasped, her eyes beginning to twinkle. Austin pointed to the middle gurney
where a shape was laying and Lindsey quickly moved towards it, sticking her nose partly under the blankets. “Teddy?” she murmured softly, staring at the shape with wide, expectant eyes.
“Are the ponies gone?” a heavier voice asked, very distinctly male.
“No?” Lindsey responded slowly, a bit confused by the question.
“Then I’m going to fucking stay right here and sleep until I wake up and there’s no fucking ponies,” Teddy said harshly from under the blankets, pulling them tighter around himself. He sounded very irritated, probably because he hated My Little Ponies the most out of the group. Lindsey knew he couldn’t even tolerate them as background noise, getting very angry when he saw them on Zach’s computer screen.
The doctor Austin had been talking to was staring at Teddy’s blanket, an odd look on his face. “You all keep saying… Fuck,” he said slowly, obviously becoming more and more perplexed about something. “What does that word mean, exactly?” he asked.
The blankets where Teddy was laying were suddenly thrown from the gurney, a tan colored stallion shooting up, and his blue eyes were transfixed with rage on the doctor. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Really?” Teddy said, his spastic blonde hair bouncing around his head as he turned to stare daggers at the pony.
Lindsey stared at Teddy with bright stars in her eyes, looking as if she’d seen a super hero or an idol, the stallion dropping himself from the gurney. At that moment, Lindsey noticed that Teddy was about the same size as Tyler, his muscle mass almost identical, but he had a must more rustic look about him. His blond tail and mane were cropped and messy, a beard growing from the bottom of his chin, and a yellow tint around his snout.
“Fuck, the word fuck?” Teddy asked, inching closer to the considerably smaller male. “Fornicate under command of king, f.u.c.k. It’s slang for up yours, you’re a dumb ass, an ugly prick, or a god damned rainbow colored glue stick!”
The doctor stared at Teddy, obviously intimidated, but the red headed mare bounced between the two in hopes of stopping any more unnecessary confrontation before their appointment with the Princess. “Teddy, stop being an ass!” she said harshly and the blonde stared down at her, his eyes still narrowed into a dangerous stare.
He inched closer to Lindsey, resting his head on top of her, but continued to mentally murder the pony in the white lab coat. “This isn’t over, you tiny pony bastard,” he mouthed silently, making the smaller pony shudder and inch away in fear.
“Well, okay then!” Tyler shoulder, two guards sitting on his back to try and keep him restrained. “That was a very heartwarming display, but can we PLEASE get these fuckers off of me?” he asked with a wide grin, his eye twitching a bit.
“Do I want to know?” Teddy asked, staring at Tyler.
“No… No, probably not,” Lindsey said simply, grinning.
