The Ponyville Connundrum III: Saving Simon

by Sound Shard

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Human, Comedy
Length: 5146

The long awaited conclusion to the epic Connundrum trilogy is here! And Changlings die! War breaks out. A war for the humans as ponies. A war to save Simon.

War breaks out. A war for the humans as ponies. A war to save Simon.
A day after what happened on Earth, Twilight is stuck with Damo's annoying friend Simon. Constantly ridiculing the six friends, the Element Wielders decide to go to Princess Celestia for advice. She recommends they take a look at the human's reactions. Upon a close examination upon the trio's adventure through a strange, inhumane place named Wal-Mart, Celestia decides to return the little nuicense to sender, with one issue. Simon, frustrated for withdrawl of Black Ops, decides to mess her spell up, resulting in the summoning of Queen Chrysalis

And, so, messy Changling death insues, and a war breaks out. A war for the humans as ponies. A war to save Simon.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-10 21:38:40 UTC

(Author's Note) RAN!

SO! WELCOME BACK, YOUNG ONES! YOU'VE BEEN PATIENT. I PROVIDED WITH PONIES ON RED DWARF, I HOPE. I FINALLY GOT THE STORY TOGETHER AND A DECENT PLOTLINE! HEY. MY EDITOR HAS A PAGE NOW. AND HE'S EDITING THIS STORY!

Sup. I'm Tyreese Tyler. I will be your editor this great adventure! If you see anything in color=blue, it's me.

Underlined is Treven, yours truely!

And Italics is Henry. Я учу русский язык. Я не одобряю Мертвый город на Меtrо 2099

WELCOME!

Oh, er... I guess I should mention this! As you know, I live strongly by the rule of "Every good fic deserves a decent theme song.", so here ye are!

Faceplant to Reality

The spell worked. Like a charm. They always seem to.

Well, being the one to cast the spell, I was fine in seconds. But, of course, there was only one other figure up when I awoke. I turned away and counted my friends. 1... 2... 3,4,5... 6, 7... 8,9... 10... Then who was the other figure? I did a double take to realize that Simon was standing on the hill side, fuming and covered in soda.

"What you lookin' at, bitch?" he yelled. Knowing "bitch" was an insult, I blasted him with a sound barrier bubble and lifted him in the air. A muffled yelling sound from him erupted, before I witnessed a horrible change in his body. He slowly, but surely, was turning into a colt.

He turned into an earth pony with a turquoise coat and maroon-pink striped mane. The color combination was enough to make Rarity flinch. He looked down at himself and passed out. I heard somepony stir from behind me, and I turned to look. Of course, Pinkie Pie was the first one up.

"OOH! Who's that? A new pony in Ponyville! PARTY!!!! OH, WE MUST PA--" she started to sing, but a muffled "SHUT UP!" from Simon cut her off. "Ooh! This isn't going to be like Cranky, is it?"

"I should hope not..." groaned Spike. Applejack got up after him.

"Ah don' feel good..." she moaned. (RAN: Moaned, groaned, saxaphoned, ice-cream-coned, styrafoamed, marijuana-stoned, I could go all day!)

"DON'T TOUCH ME YOU MONSTER!" yelled Rainbow Dash and got up by kicking Rarity in the face. She blushed and sank back. "Er, sorry, night terrors."

"That was unnessicarily uncooth!" Rarity yelled, rubbing the spot on her face. Applebloom got up.

"Y'all sure do lahk thayut word!" she grunted. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle got up after her.

"Well, it fits me..." argued Rarity. Scootaloo rolled her eyes. The entire group turned to Derpy, still sleeping, and sucking her hoof.

"Mmf... Yes, Doctor, more muffins, please. Oh... I'll take them all..." Derpy mumbled and rolled over in her sleep. Applejack dragged her awake, anticipating the trip back home. She had a farm to take care of.

The Ponyville Connundrum III

Chapter 1: Faceplant to Reality

"How long've we been gone?" asked Rainbow Dash, eyes darting nervously.

"By earth standards, two weeks. Who knows how that translates," I reported. To be honest, I had no idea. Simon shrugged.

"'Cuz I think some things have changed," she continued, drawing out the word "changed".

I looked around to see what should have been the Everfree Forest, but wasn't. Most of it was missing, replaced by what seemed to be a military base. While on Earth, I saw plenty of Fort Riley to know what one looked like. It had a few sullen-looking unicorns inside, running around frantically. But, the most prominent thing about this base was that it went over what was supposed to have been...

"My cottage!" yelled Fluttershy, running over to the base's top-right corner. Simon began to laugh. "Angel Bunny! Boris! Mister Kittie-Kins! All gone!"

"Ah'm sure they're safe 'Shah, but more importantly, if we've only been gone fer a week, how come there's all this here stuff goin' on. Surely they'd wait 'fore tearin' down Fluttershah's house?" Applejack asked. I looked over in the general direction of Ponyville. What I saw struck fear in my heart. I could only say three words.

"Girls. Canterlot. Now," I managed and galloped for the train station.

Why? Because I knew that there wasn't supposed to be an emergency watchtower where my library used to be. Those were never used unless...

"Sorry, lady. A national emergency has been declared," explained the guard on the city limits of Ponyville. "Nopony gets in, nopony gets out."

My worst fears answered.

Worse yet, there was a goldfish-bowl like shield around the city.

"Who's protecting the city?" I asked. The guard shook his head.

"No can do, ma'am. I'm not supposed to tell anypony anything about the crisis at hand. Threat of treason, or worse," he apologized. "If you could move on, ma'am..."

"Alright, buster!" Rainbow Dash yelled and flew past us, right into the guard's face. "You let us in, or so help me!"

"Ma'am, please, don't make me resort to..." the guard began to tremble.

"Don't 'ma'am' me!" screamed Rainbow, nearly knocking the poor guard over. "Do you know who you're talking to? Do you? Do the words 'Elem-- mmf!" I covered her mouth, and magically dragged her to the ground.

"Um... Heh... Rainbow? Calm down... I'm sure if we just be on our way, we'll be fine!" I faked acceptance of the situation and flashed a fake smile at the guard. Upon this, I turned to Rainbow and whispered harshly in her ear. "We're sneaking in. Whatever happened, they don't recognize the element wielders, so the Elements may not be a good thing!" She nodded. "Alright, girls! Let's be on our way!"

Rarity began to say something, but Rainbow, Spike, and I were already gone, others reluctantly following.

"Twi-i-i-i-light!" whined Rarity. "Where are we going? My hooves are practically jelly!"

"We haven't even walked two minutes..." Scootaloo grumbled.

"We're here!" I yelled suddenly. I had actually no idea where we were headed, but I had a plan.

I whispered to Spike a letter for the princess. He raised a skeptical eyebrow, but presented a parchment and quill out of nowhere, mumbling something about "Thank Celestia for spares," and began writing. He then set the parchment to flames and watched it fly off. We all stared at him for a moment. Even Simon seemed to care.

After a long five minutes, a loud burp broke the silence.

"Wail?" Applebloom prodded. Spike cleared his throat.

"Dearest Twilight,

I write to inform you: I was worried sick! You've been gone for a month. A month. I usually know about your little adventures with your friends, but conveniently before a crisis, you and those pesky humans vanish! I am very disappointed, Twilight. I am arranging an escort to Canterlot for you, and, as one of those humans may say, you better have a damn fine explanation for what's happened!

Closing,

Princess Celestia."

An awkward pause followed this.

"Well, jeez!" Pinkie exclaimed, breaking the silence.

"That's a bit harsh, ain't it?" agreed Applejack. Sweetie Belle shrugged.

"I dunno. If I were a princess with six loyal subjects who all went missing..." she dragged out "missing".

"I'd go ballistic, too!" finished Scootaloo. Spike nodded in agreement. I nudged him to shut up.

"I'm not sure, darling," Rarity mumbled nervously. "We should go see her; anyway, I'm sure she's just... disappointed, like she said, not angry."

"I don't know. It's just so... uncharacteristic of her," I decided, walking towards the bubbledome that was Ponyville. "Does it say where to meet?"

"Says stay put," Spike read and poked the bottom of the letter. "She'll send the escort to us."

"Strange..." Pinkie mumbled. "Too strange..."

"All we can do is wait," Fluttershy spoke up. Realizing the attention was on her, she shrank down and slid down against some nearby rock into a sitting position. "I just hope Angel is okay."

Simon rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure he's fine..." Scootaloo comforted as she satdown next to her. She began to pat Fluttershy on the back, as Fluttershy began to sniffle. All of the sudden, she burst into tears, and began sobbing on Scootaloo's shoulder. Not expecting this reaction, Scootaloo cringed, and tried to back away, but Fluttershy would have just fallen over, so she just sat there.

"Definitely not getting my cutie mark in therapy..." she mumbled, and began looking to the other crusaders for help. They just shrugged.

It seemed like hours, waiting. It dragged on like this, menially. Nopony was really having much fun at all. Pinkie Pie beat Rarity in at least forty games of tic-tac-toe, the crusaders were so bored that they tried to get their cutie marks in napping. The older Pegasi, Derpy, Rainbow, and Fluttershy, played a game of fly-tag, but Rainbow Dash constantly made the other two butts of her jokes. Spike spent his time setting things on fire, and I played twenty-odd games of magical solitaire. Simon just sang a song over and over.

But, after Pinkie got another three X's in a row, Derpy got electrocuted for the umpteenth time, and Scootaloo woke up, a hooded figure was approaching. I nearly ran to it I was so glad to see someone else for a change.

"Hello?" Rarity called out. The figure flashed with light, then teleported to us. I only knew two ponies who wore a hood.

Hoping for the best, I timidly questioned the figure of its name. "Zecora?"

A rough, boastful female voice answered. "Guess again, spud-for-brains!" The voice sounded familiar, but different. A voice I knew, but it was covered in what sounded like years of too many addictive substances. If one were to scrape off all that grime on this pony's speech, it would sound like, and I prayed it wouldn't be... "I am th Great and Powerful... TRIXIE!"

"Not this again!" yelled Spike, throwing his hands up in the air, in defeat. Simon looked very confused.

"Luckily for the lot of us, I'm only supposed to teleport you to Canterlot, so I need not socially interact with you further," she finished, gratefully. I stopped her before she could perform the spell.

"Wait just a minute. How can you teleport a group this large to a place so far while maintaining, and being able to create in the first place, a force field?" I asked. She laughed.

"With thi-i-is!" she took off her robe to reveal an amulet. It closely resembled a certain amulet that corrupted the user, but the eyes glowed a soft purple instead of red. "It's not what you're thinking, by the way. This isn't the Alicorn Amulet. It's something Celestia whipped up. It even gives non-magical ponies, and other non-magical beings, magical powers!"

It looked as if she wasn't shutting up any time soon. "I'm in charge of Ponyville with this one..." Fluttershy and I developed very irrate facial expressions. "Those brothers, Flim and Flam, in charge of Manehattan..." Applejack snarled. "Gilda Grivinhauf, a griffon, has Los Pegasus..." Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie growled at the mention of Gilda. "Oh! And, um, the Diamond Dogs are in charge of Hoofington." Rarity gave an angry well-I'd-never. Simon was extremely confused, and had no idea what was going on.

"I don't believe this!" I yelled. I didn't even know I'd yelled it, until she began sniggering at me.

"If you've been gone as long as you have? The believing's just starting!" she giggled in a high-pitched voice. A flash of bright light made me see spots, but before I knew it, we were in Canterlot.

Disruption

Canterlot was different than I remembered. There were no friends walking side by side, talking, gossiping, or laughing. There were no snobbish rich unicorns strutting around, sitting in restaurants, or sipping champagne. There were only royal guardsponies, some very frightened foreigners, and a couple of raggedy-looking, suspicious, seemingly armed ponies. (RAN: Think FiMFlamFilosophy's Dazzler, with a few steak knives.) (RAN: That's right, fillies and gentlegolts, Random Author's Notes are back! In RAN we trust.)

"What has happened to Canterlot?" Rarity hissed in my ear. "The change is uncanny!"

"Alright, simpletons, this is my stop," Trixie called, motioning to a door. The guards blocking the door stepped aside. "See you on the other side!" She laughed maliciously before disappearing in a cloud of smoke, and, for once, genuinely disappearing.

The Ponyville Connundrum III

Chapter 2: Disruption

Nervously, I started for the door. The guard on the left gave me a disapproving glare. I shrank a bit and continued walking, faster. By the time I knew where I was, I had reduced to a normal speed and was standing up straight again. The others followed soon after.

We were in the palace hall. One a many tinted glass mosaics filled the windows, advertising the good deeds of many. At the end of said hall was the throne room. A collective gulp erupted from the group. Princess Celestia would not be happy. I couldn't think of anyone who would be. As Damo might of said: Everypony would be mighty pissed. Powerful as she was, she wouldn't possibly think of banishing us! Would she?

Why do I always have to be so pessimistic? I thought to myself, assuring myself at the same time that what Rarity said was true. Hoping it was, at least.

Hoping.

I knocked on the throne room door. I waited for an answer. None came. Simon pushed me aside, and banged on the door.

"Yo! I'm Simon, here with the Hell the Mints of Armory, or whatever!" he yelled.

"Elements of Harmony..." I corrected. He shrugged.

"Yeah! That!" he yelled at the door. A voice answered.

"Enter," it commanded. Princess Luna.

I walked in, slowly. Pinkie bounded after. Next were Scootaloo and Simon, then Sweetie Belle and Applebloom. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Spike followed. Spike had to go back and push Fluttershy into the room.

"Wimp," Simon mumbled. He turned to Luna. "Are you Luna?"

"WHO ART THOU?" Princess Luna shouted, in the Canterlot royal voice. Everypony shivered at the loudness, but Simon simply smirked. (RAN: Awesome alliterations aren't an ambitious achievement, all are as attention-arousing as an attractive actress’s ass, as always.)

"So, you're into the medieval junk, are you? Well, whatever. Yelling doesn't phase me, either. You're talking to the bastard who got twenty four consecutive detentions in the fifth grade. State record. You think I don't know raised voices?" he boasted. "So, listen, fucktard, you know what humans are, you've had some around. Well, I'm a friend of the three you had. And I ended up in a horse body. If you'd be so kind, I'm close to beating Black Ops 3 campaign on the hardest setting, I'd like to go home. I haven't even started World at War 2, so I'd rather not be a laughing stock when I get home!"

"You say when like it'll happen," Rainbow Dash grunted.

"Oh, it'll happen, gayhair, or so help me!" he pounded his hoof into his other menacingly. Princess Luna looked very irate.

"BE QUIET, SIMPLETON!" she demanded and stomped her hoof. "THOU HATH A LOT TO ANSWER FOR!"

"I apologize, your highness," I said somberly, bowing. She glared at the others in the group. Everypony but Simon bowed. Luna stared at Simon expectantly. He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't bow to anybody," he chuckled. "Nothing against you. You know? I like you. You've got spunk."

Luna showed a hint of self-pride before smacking the boy. "Thou doeth as thou art told!"

Simon shook the pain away and spit out a glob of blood. "Look, I appreciate the welcoming gift, but how's about we get down to business? Damo's forced me to watch enough episodes for me to know that this place is a regular Sunnydale. But, in turn, it comes with all the same goodies. If we could find a thing or whatsit that can revert me back to my human self? That'd be great," he bargained. Based on what I've heard and seen, Simon was being very polite. Luna was taken aback, though. She had tried every method she knew. Loudness, threats, and violence. Simon was unshaved! He tilted his head at Princess Luna. "Look, it's not you. To be honest, I hate this show, but I kind of like you getting to meet you. I'm willing to make a deal. You anybody else? I'd be out the goddamn door by now. Seriously, even Ten Gallon over there!" he pointed at Applejack. "She kicked me through a glass door, for fucks sake!" Luna nodded slowly. "What do you say?"

"I'd have to take it up with my sister..." she whispered.

"So the nice lady speaks normally. Good to know," he made a mental note. This event baffled me. Simon didn't get along with a lot of ponies... er, people. Neither did Luna. Figures.

"You know, you've caused a major disruption, young ones," Luna scolded as we walked through the palace. "My sister has very important business, and left me in charge." She waved a hoof through the air.

"Well, who knows?" Scootaloo suddenly said. (RAN: Again, another alliteration!) "Maybe disruption can be a good thing."

"Once you hear what I have to say, you might understand," a demanding voice grunted. Princess Celestia was fuming. I had never seen her so mad. Not even the time I was tardy.

"So, you're the other princess?" Simon suddenly asked, squeezing through the group and plopping in front of her. "I've heard an earful about you."

"And this is?" Princess Celestia growled impatiently.

"Simon Lanrete, what's it to you?" he snorted. "All I want is home."

"He is a human turned colt, sister," Luna added.

"Er, that too..." he shrugged. "So, do usually have smoke coming out of your ears, or are you just happy to see me?" Scootaloo snickered, but the lot of us shot her a glance, making her back away, into a royal guardspony, causing her to jump. Simon narrowed his eyes at this. "Ponies are weird. Anyway, I hear you're not fond of humans. I'm not fond of a communist country with a three dictator dynasty full of gay, magic ponies!" He glanced at the group. "Okay, maybe not as gay as I thought, and they aren't all magic. I'll admit the flying and the bucking with the faces is cool, with a "k", mind you, but otherwise, fondness levels are at a zero. Maybe a half, but that's as far as I go." (RAN: For all of those who are still saying hip and happening, cool has been developed as an insult. It now stands for "Constipated, Overrated, Out-of-style, Loser". So when something is by eighties/nineties standards "cool", it's cool with a k. Kool.)

I began to correct him on the communism part, but when I thought about it, he would just argue until the day one of us died to prove his point.

"So, what?" Rainbow spoke. Simon began to pace in circles. (RAN: I'm adding a new section. FFOD are Fun Facts of Doom. They tell something personal about the character's real life base, or something about the character themselves.) (FFOD: Pacing is a nervous habit of Sam's. So it is Simon's.)

"My folks at home will get worried. I was brought here by a force. Who knows how Damo and company got here? Only god knows how I'll get out," he mumbled. Princess Celestia stomped the ground, shaking the floor below us all, and toppling over poor Derpy.

"SILENCE!" she yelled. Simon, unsurprisingly, was unshaken. The process of confusion swept over Princess Celestia's face. "Why don't you fear my anger?"

"Because, you're a kind loving person who would never hurt a soul," Simon sighed sarcastically. (RAN: I'm not even going to say it.) Switching back to seriousness, he then explained: "It's because I have the same wish as you. For me to haul ass back to home! Of course, it isn't ever that easy. Some son's-'a is going to try to stop us. That's how it always is." Princess Celestia just stared at him. "I know you're known for monodimensionality, but this is ridiculous! Are you going to work with me or not?" He waved a hoof in her face. "Hello? Anybody in there? Jesus, you are inattentive! Are you going to send someone to the moon? I understand you like doing that..." Luna raised an eyebrow at this. He made a face that said "Sorry!" and moved on getting her attention. Eventually, he gave up. Celestia has not paying any attention. "Hey! You! Smart chick!" he suddenly yelled. "Sweatervest! With the horn! Bella, or whatever!"

I realized he was talking to me. "My name is Twilight Sparkle." I said suddenly.

"Knew it had something to do with Stephanie Meyers. Are you related to Grandma Sparkle?" (RAN: Fallout 3 reference FTW.) he asked. "Kidding. So, what's your idea?"

"M-my idea?" I stuttered. "Who said I had an idea?"

"Aren't you the idea woman?" he laughed. "Whatever. Get an idea, soon. I wanna go home!"

I just stared at him. I thought about this while staring at him. The poor soul looked defenseless in an unfamiliar world. Around then I realized that's what the badmouthing jerk had become.

A lost, helpless colt.

I chuckled and headed back for the door of the castle. He had caused quite a disruption, hadn't he? This guy, who has been bullied and abused his whole life, (FFOD: Simon comes from a rough home.) no friends but the two we've met, (FFOD: Harry is not Simon's friend.) and has been kicked through a window by Applejack, has waltzed in here and trapped in a bubble (RAN: Hamster ball, anypony?) I created, disrespected both princesses, metaphorically spit in the face of the code and conduct created, and I'm helping him get home.

I'm insane.

Look, Listen, Learn

Celestia, by this point, had calmed down and was ready to get to business. No one wanted Simon there. No one. Maybe Luna, but that's unlikely. So we decided, and I quote, to return the little brat to sender. We just had to see what Damo and company were doing, first. So we had to look in on them. Well, as cliché as it was, we had to use a fortune telling ball to peer into other dimensions. Surprizingly enough, Simon had no comment. Celestia activated the ball, and the form of, what seemed like, a store. It was different. There were malformed figures and oversized ones, wearing disgracing clothing, full of knickknacks, clothing and food. The humans in this outlet seemed to be the true mistakes, the cesspool, of the human race. (RAN: Anyone who sees where this is going, and shops there, should skip the next sentence.) A banner on the wall read Wal*Mart.

Suddenly, Damo burst through the doors, and the image focused on him, followed by Harry, then Price, and then another human, more heavyset and darker skinned than the others after them. A song could be heard blasting from Joshiana, earbuds around Damo's neck. Harry tapped him on the shoulder.

"You know we can all hear that, right?" he shouted over the music.

"Who gives a shit? It's WalMart!" Damo shouted back. Everypony was silent, so I could properly hear the music.

Open the door, scream like it's been ages!

"How you doin' girl? You look amazin'!"

"What in the glorious name of Satan are we hearin'?" joked Price. Harry shrugged.

"Katy B! Wiley! Some other guy!" responded Damo. And in a lower voice: "DUBSTEP!"

"Yeah, sure..." Price rolled his eyes.

"It is!" insisted Damo. He began to sing along very badly: "I just got paid! I just got pay-yay-yay-yayed! Weeoooeeeoooeeeoooeeeeeeeeeee! Fri-day never leeeets me down! Grab ya coat we gon' hiiiiiit the town! 'Cause we just got paid, we just got paid!"

"You're singing it wrong..." pointed out the unidentified one.

"Whatever, Tyler, you like this song!" Damo teased.

"I don't like your singing," this "Tyler" retorted.

"Well, whatevs," Damo rolled his eyes. "I'm still liking the music."

"I understand that, but please refrain from singing along," Tyler insisted.

"Please. My ears love me, let me be able to say the same for them," Price agreed. Damo shrugged.

"Fine, I said fine!" he yelled. "We're here to buy batteries and a Music Bullet!"

"Do they sell those here?" Price raised an eyebrow.

"Prolly," Damo shrugged. (RAN: They don't. Just go with it for the sake of the story.)

"They better!" Harry wagged a finger in the air and started walking faster. "This place scares me!" he approached a blemish-faced, curly-haired male. "Excuse me, corporate slave? Do you sell the Music Bullet here?"

"Mmnhuhfm," replied the boy.

"I understand you're probably another Jeremy Duncan who has nothing better to do, but answer me in English, if possible," Damo demanded. (RAN: Again! Alliterations! Oh, damn, there it goes again.)

"Isle 7," he sighed and walked away. A nametag fell off. It read "Beckham".

"Yo! Beck!" called Harry, but the man had already left. He shrugged. "Isle 7 it is!"

"Whatever! Let's dance!" Tyler laughed and began dancing in a circle.

                  ("I like this guy!" Pinkie cheered in the background.)

I noticed a change in the music, not a bad one at that.

"C'mon, Tyler! No need to get you excited, we just need the stuff," Damo motioned for the back of the store. "Isle 7 is somewhere."

"No shit," grumbled Harry. Price pursed his lips.

"Music... Bullet!" exclaimed Damo, picking up a box. He threw his fist in the air. "I win!"

"Do we need to say you won?" asked Harry, pushing up his glasses. "I mean, if you pay for it, did you win it?"

"Will it blend?" bellowed Price.

"Yes, I guess not, yes, but we're not," Damo answered. Price and Harry looked at each other and shrugged.

"You'll need batteries. Lots of batteries," Tyler pointed out.

"Yesh," agreed Damo, closing his eyes. "We shall needsh zhe batteresh."

Damo and Tyler danced around the store, Harry and Price following. They seemed to be lost. Damo walked through the candy isle a couple of times, Harry and Tyler through the tires, Price flipping through a manuscript that read "Cosmopolitan" on the front, and Tyler and Price a different time down through the toy isle, and picked up what seemed to be a Rainbow Dash toy miscoloured mane. Tyler mumbled something about "Hasbro".

But, all in all, they found these so called "batteries" they were looking for. They gathered around a display, showing off various colours and sizes.

"Remember. Triple A," reminded Damo.

Harry picked a pack up. "These?" The package had at least 50 smaller batteries in it.

"Energizer. Good brand. Too expensive. A whoppin' $10.93!" Damo exclaimed. "Put it back."

"Some of these?" Tyler held up another package with less, and in different colours.

"Duracell. Okay, but still $7.47," Damo shrugged. "For the love of Nica Lorber, battery prices skyrocketed while we were gone!"

"Indeed," agreed Price.

     ("Now would be a good of time as ever to send him back, Twilight," Princess Celestia insisted.)

"Maybe I should go to Dollar Tree and get Sunbeam instead," Damo shrugged.

     ("If you insist, your majesty," I obeyed. "I know one teleportation spell that suits you to the accommodating surroundings. Perhaps I can send him home with such a spell!")

"Sunbeam is bullshit. Go for this stuff," argued Price.

     (I readied myself, horn glowing, in deep concentration. A bolt of magic was about to fly out of my horn, when Simon yelled: "Hurry your ass up or I will sabotage everything!")

"Do you hear something?" asked Tyler.

       (Simon bumped into me and the shock of magic traveled into the screen displaying Damo and company's adventure.)

"I'm not su--" Damo was cut off by a loud boom, and a bright purple flash took Damo, Tyler, Price, Harry, and the battery display with its dimming.

"Christ!" yelled one obese lady in a Rascal.

"You idiot!" yelled Rainbow Dash. "You could've killed them!"

"No... No..." I pondered. "They won’t die. If anything, they'll--" It was my turn to be cut off, by a loud "vworp" and Damo's voice screaming:

"--UUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" as he barreled through it, followed by the other three humans. Only they weren't humans. As the voice of the flying Damo ran into me, sending me on my back, I realized something. The spell accommodated one’s body to the realm or place being traveled to. Which means Damo, Tyler, Price, and Harry would have to accommodate to Equestria's standards. I took a sharp gasp as I pieced the situation together. As I opened my eyes, through the rain of batteries, a pitch black colt with electric green hair stared me in the face.

As Damo might say, FUCK!

I looked around, and had to keep myself from laughing. A light brown Pegasus colt with maroon hair lay sprawled on the ground, a pair of wire frame glasses perched on it's muzzle. "Ow... Oh... Fuck my life..." it said. Harry.

A red earth pony colt with very dark orange hair lay searching for his glasses next to a winded Pinkie, who had apparently been knocked the wind out of when he flew out of the portal and whacked her in the stomach. Price.

A different Pegasus colt, golden, with blue hair, lay unconscious next to a pair of slightly dented soda-bottle glasses. This Tyler character, I bet.

It’s around this time I freaked.

Well, Fuck, an Author's Note

Yeah, um...

MOTHERFUCKING WRITERS BLOCK!

I know what happens next, but not how. I know what each chapter is about. I had days I would post them.

Here's how it was supposed to work:

Feb. 6th: Faceplant to Reality (worked!)

Feb. 23rd: Disruption (worked!)

March 1st: Look, Listen, Learn (um...)

March 10th: Cars and Guns (...)

March 22nd: Chicken Little (...fuck)

March 28th: Roadtrip (slow down!)

April 9th: One Down (...I still have time...)

April 18th: One To Go (...I think)

April 18th: Run (Celestia help me...)

April 24th: Stasis (...if I even get that far)

April 30th: Battle Royal (FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU)

May 8th: Cope with Loss (WHY? WHY?!?!?!)

How it's working out:

Feb. 6th: Facepland to Reality

Feb. 23rd: Disruption

MARCH FUCKING 21ST: Look, Listen, Learn

Haven't Started: Cars and Guns

Haven't Started: Chicken Little

Haven't Started: Roadtrip

...

...

..

..

FUCK!

Author's Note: You're going to wait a while. But, NEXT CHAPTER COMING ALONG! Until then, I'm sorry.

Yeah... no, two things:

1) Track. Can't do anything with it.

2) Writer's Block. Major.

So, it's on hiatus! For, like, a whiiile. Longer than anypony would like.

Who am I shitting? No one's reading this.

So, in the past week, I have 154 words on that new chapter! No, yeah, no. Not going anywhere.

So: I'll be doing other things! Read more about this in my corrosponding blog post.