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The Adventures of Bassicus
Prologue: What happens in Big MT, stays in Big MT
Big Mt, 2286, Saturday the 19th
It was a usual Saturday in Big MT, Lobotomites were prowling around looking for things to kill whilst the Y-17 Trauma Override Harnesses were wondering around with Tesla Cannons, and the Courier was sniping the lot from her balcony. Inside, the Think Tank were collaborating on a new protect with an old friend who stopped by every now and again to aide them in their quest for science.
"So what you're saying is that we don't cross the phase streams?"
"Precisely Bassicus. Doing so could end all of creation as we know it." Monotoned Dr. Klein.
"Or turn everything into giant teddy bears." Dr. Dala giddily replied.
"No it will just destroy all of creation."
"I crossed the phase beams." Bassicus smartly replied.
"You've doomed us all!" Shouted Dr. Klein.
"And you haven't noticed something odd yet?" Queried Bassicus.
"*Unintelligible White Noise*"
"Let him figure it out on his own, Dr. 8."
"Would you be quiet Dr. 0." Growled Dr. Klein.
"Ah screw it, We're still here Klein."
"Your point, Borous?"
"Forget it. Lets continue with science."
"Excellent idea, Borous."
After that little side adventure they finally got back to the task at hand. After several hours the courier came down to see what all the fuss was about and to say hello to her only non-ghoul or brain-in-a-jar immortal friend.
"Hey Bassicus, how's it hanging?"
"It's hanging rather well, considering the cables are being held up by centuries old steel supports."
"...OK?"
"That was a joke. I'm doing rather well, thank you for asking."
"IT is complete!" Decried Dr. Klein in a rather excited voice.
"I've gotta go stop them from terrorizing another dimension, cya." And with that he fled to take the most powerful device in the Think Tanks claws away from them.
"Get your stinking penises off our new invention!"
"For the last time, Klein. They're called fingers and it's rightfully mine as I supplied the idea and the parts behind its construction."
"DAMN YOU AND YOUR LOGIC!" D. Klein bellowed before retreating to his room.
"That was easier than I thought it would. Well I'm gonna arm up and then leave this dimension forever."
"Why?" asked the Courier as she started giving Bassicus a shoulder massage.
"Because this planet sickens me. Also I know you're pregnant and I want nothing to do with the child." He replied before breaking contact and sprinting like there was no tomorrow to Dr. Mobius' lair to escape the infinite wrath of a woman scorned.
Thirty minutes later he found himself inside Dr. Mobius' Lair, where he stores all his stuff to keep it safe from the Think Tank.
"Mobius, I'm hoooome!" he yelled in a sing-song voice.
"Did you distract the Think Tank like I asked?"
"Yes and I also got my ticket out of this hellhole in the process."
"Well I guess you'll be wanting your liver back then." Dr. Mobius said with a slightly sad tinge to his voice.
"You have my liver?"
"... No." Dr. Mobius tried to sidetrack.
"When did you get my liver?"
"Last night. I was going to put it right back. HONEST!"
"Why do I live here again?"
"Because the Think Tank have done far worse?"
"Point taken. Well I'm gonna get my stuff and then copy all the data from the databanks into my Pipboy 25000."
"Where did you find that anyway?"
"Made it."
"Okay, Bring back some Mentats."
"Sure." After that slightly awkward conversation Dr. Mobius, Bassicus went to his room to gather this belongings. One suit of Hydra Power Armor (Custom made by combining a Y-17 Trauma Override Harness, a suit of T51-b Power Armor, Remnants Power Armor and Various Stealth suits and advanced alloys.), a Titan Anti-building Rifle (Made from overcharging a Gauss Rifles magnets with a Tesla Cannons conductors and power sources and then throwing in a Anti-Material rifle for good measure.), a Rail Pistol (Bassicus loves him some good old magnetically accelerated .44 rounds.), an Electron Plasma Halberd (The Bastard child of the bastard children of a Plasma Rifle, a Protonic Inversal Axe, a Saturnite reinforced pool cue and a Pulse Emitter.), and various other bits and bobs mostly consisting of food, caps and a shit ton of chems.
"Well I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Wish me luck."
"Bye, have a pleasant time in wherever." Dr. Mobius said, a little sad that all the cool stuff Bassicus owned was leaving.
After that heartfelt goodbye from Dr. Mobius, Bassicus set the Dimensional... Mover... Device on random and activated it.
Equestria, Canterlot, 1001, Saturday the 18th
Princess Celestia was minding her own business when she inadvertently walked into a statue placed in the middle of the hall. "Who put this here?" She said whilst rubbing her muzzle.
"What was that commotion I just heard?" asked Princess Luna in perfectly normal Modern Equestrian (The speaking in Old Equestrian was a Prank she decided to play on all the citizens of Ponyville) as she walked into the hallway to spy her sister lying on the ground rubbing her muzzle. "This is just too funny."
"Shut up and help me move this statue to the gardens, will you?"
"Fine, fine."
"I can hear everything you've been saying you know, and out of the top hundred weirdest things that have happened to me, this doesn't even rank in the top twenty."
"What was that?' Luna asked whilst looking for the source of the voice.
"I did." Luna swore she heard the statue speak.
"Okay, this is starting to fell a lot like that time a cult was formed around my actions and I had to disband them before they did anything crazy. Turns out they were all blind."
"What manner of statue are you?" Celestia asked the statue.
"I'm a statue, I just ran out of power for my Power Armor. So if you would kindly replace the Fusion Core with a fresh one I'll be on my way."
"Fusion Core?"
"The large rectangle with 'Caution: Highly dangerous if given to retards' on it."
"You mean this?" Luna asked after a few minutes of rummaging around in his truly vast back.
"Yes, now just take out the drained one and insert the new one."
"Okay." Luna obediently obeyed the strange statue and replaced the Fusion Core like it asked. After a few seconds strange whirring noises were heard from the statue, then it began to move.
"Thank you, kind ponies."
"You wouldn't believe how many inter-dimensional travelers mistake us for horses."
"Well would you look at that! Trees, I haven't see those since I visited Oasis. So green." The strange moving statue remarked as it walked to the nearest window and gazed outside the palace.
"What are you exactly?" Queried Luna.
"I'm a human, weird, possibly magical, talking ponies."
"I see... Why did you come here?"
"Got bored of the same scenery after two and a bit centuries."
"You're immortal as well?" Luna hopefully asked. It gets so lonely only having your sister as a companion.
"Sorta, I can die from excessive bodily trauma and getting absolutely piss drunk and betting the Think Tank I can't out science them, that was a wild, wild giant invisible robot hunt."
"I wonder if twilight would get along with him?"
"Probably, though I don't know how she'll react to a strange armor clad creature showing up."
"Probably try to study it."
"Let's try to introduce him ourselves."
"DAFUQ IS THAT!" exclaimed the alien... pointing at a pigeon.
"That's a pigeon."
"Not that, the thing behind it." He said after angling his appendage slightly more so it pointed at Cloudsdayle.
"That's Cloudsdayle, it's the center for all weather control in Equestria."
"I don't see how any machines could possibly be stored in those clouds. Unless they're made of a composite lighter than air alloy, which would mean I can tinker around with it and see what I can make!" The alien suddenly started ecstatically saying.
"Would you like a place to stay mister..."
"Bassicus."
"Mister Bassicus. I'm sure we can find a bed that can comfortably accommodate you." Celestia said whilst eying the six foot ten giant.
"Awesome, I haven't slept on a proper mattress since 2060, which was the day I was abducted by aliens." Bassicus cheerfully remarked to both princesses.
"You were kidnapped by aliens?"
"Sure was, escaped after a while and then was recaptured whilst helping out a friend in the Capital Wasteland. Showed those assholes how not to treat humans."
"What did you do?" Luna asked, fully not expecting the answer she would receive.
"We killed them all and took over the ship and destroyed the other ship they sent to take us out. got some cool teach out of it, never did figure out how to properly implement it into something better. But there's always tomorrow." He stopped for a few seconds to sniff something before continuing," I really need a bath, Two centuries of not bathing really does a number on how you smell things."
"So somepony didn't fart." Celestia mused, causing Luna to start giggling.
"Laugh it up, I can still explode you onto the walls."
"We're the rulers of Equestria, we move the sun and moon, what could a being such as you possibly do to harm us?" Celestia menacingly glared at Bassicus. In response to which he took out his Anti-Building rifle and walked outside and aimed at the mountain on the other side of the valley.
"Might want to cover your ears." He warned before pulling the trigger and causing the mountain he was targeting to have a rather large tunnel bored into it and a slight hissing sound to come from the barrel. "Why everything I meet believes this is going to e the loudest gun in the world is beyond me." He said whilst chuckled at the look on the princesses faces as they saw what this weapon was capable of.
"I think we should respect his privacy and not try to read his mind." Luna whispered to Celestia who vigorously nodded her head in agreement.
"Wouldn't work even if you tried. I have enhanced mental abilities thanks to the experiments the aliens did on me."
"Well let us retire to the dining hall for dinner."
"Whats for dinner?"
"What ever you want."
"Sweet, I can't wait to see your take on a Deathclaw Egg Omelet."
"Deathclaw?"
"Giant blood thirsty creatures that roam certain parts of the wastes and are really hard to kill without the right gear."
"Then how do you get their eggs?"
"I generally just waltz into their nests with my stealth systems active and swap them out with some remote detonated Fatmines."
"Well, let us retire to the dining hall so we can discuss more of your 'exploits'" Suggested Celestia.
"Good idea, moon butt."
"What did you call me?" Luna asked angrily.
"Moon butt, but that's only because you haven't told me your names."
"Oh, how silly of us to forget proper manners. I am Princess Celestia and this is my sister Princess Luna."
"Thank you for being gracious hosts Princess Luna and Princess Celestia. I look forward to not living in a complete hellhole filled to the brim with things that want to kill you." he said before walking off in a random direction.
"Does he even know where the dining hall is?"
"He seems to be going in the right directions."
"Has he ever been here before?" Luna asked right before they heard a large amount of swearing as Bassicus fell off of Canterlot.
"... Maybe not. Should we go and save him?"
"I guess." Celestia prepared to launch off the side of Canterlot after Bassicus when an almighty flash of light temporarily blinded her.
"I knew I installed emergency teleportation devices on this armor for a reason." Celestia opened her eyes to see Bassicus standing in front of her completely unharmed.
"How advanced is your civilization?" Luna asked with her jaw agape.
"Not that advanced. Though I did pick up some neat toys from the Commonwealth... Which I left back at my secret underground base. Meh, I'll go back and get them later. Don't suppose we could go get that meal you wee talking about now, could we?"
"Certainly." Celestia said with an air of fake certainty, internally she was absolutely terrified of what this strange creature was capable of and whether or not it was a threat to her little ponies.
Author's Note
Well there it is, another reason why I suck at writing fanfics. Stayed tuned to see whether or not I continue this train wreck of a fanfic.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter One: The Changeling Effect
Chapter One: The Changeling Effect.
Proofread by The11thWonder
"... And that's how I helped defeat the Masters Army with just a mostly broken Alien Blaster Rifle and a lead pipe." Concluded Bassicus.
"That was an interesting tale Bassicus. Tell me, what happened to the Vault Dweller?"
"Oh, he returned to his vault with the Water Chip and was cast out for being irrevocably contaminated by the wastes. So, he left and started up a small village. I met his granddaughter eighty years later; charming young lady, if a bit on the dull side."
"What do you mean?" Asked Celestia.
"Well she wasn't to good with making complex decisions, she more liked to power through her problems with brute force and speed. A very worthy strategy, served me well in escaping the Alien Mothership. Theta, I believe was its designation. "Anyway, needless to say my presence was the sole reason she didn't become a feared warmonger."
"So, you're basically the moral guider of the heroes of your world?" Luna smartly said.
"Who said anything about morals? I just helped them rationalize and plan their attacks, the morals were all their own doing." Replied Bassicus.
"So you have no morals?"
"What do I look like? A member of the Vault-Tec Biological Research Department? Don't make me laugh."
"So you do have morals?"
"If I didn't I would've signed onto the F.E.V project, not the Pip-boy project... And all other non-biology related projects."
"Why?" Luna asked with an innocent look.
"I suck at biology. ALL aspects of biology."
"So you can only create machines, but not living beings?" Celestia wondered.
"Well I did help build those AI Super Computers. So I can technically create living beings, just not flesh and blood things."
"Auuuuntie! One of the maids is trying... to blackmail... me..." Prince Blueblood slowly trailed off as he saw his aunt's peculiar dinner guest. "Who's this, Auntie?"
"This is bassicus. He's an immortal like us, only he's actively participated in the events of his world far more than us."
"Really? Can I talk with him in private?" Blueblood begged.
"It's up to him, really. Bassicus, what do you say?" asked Celestia.
"Sure, why not? It's not like I can't defend myself. If that horde of raging Deathclaws pumped full of some idiots new combat chem is anything to go by." He responded cheerfully as he followed Blueblood to his chambers.
Several minutes later they were in Blueblood's quarters, a set of lavishly decorated rooms adorned with gold-trimmed tapestries and ancient tomes. Priceless pieces of art hung on the walls behind his mammoth (compared to Blueblood, at least) sized four-poster bed, a few feet above the posh red carpeting.
"I have to admit, this place is pretty nice, still not as nice as that suite Vault-Tec hooked me up with on that corporate retreat, but it's close. So what did you want to talk about?" He said whilst casually admiring Blueblood's chambers.
"I was wondering why you came here, actually."
"Oh, I decided I'd had enough of a dead planet, so I built a device that allows the user to traverse dimensional streams safely."
"May I see this device?" Blueblood asked, a small gleam in his eye.
"You're looking at it." Bassicus replied waving his hands to show he was talking about himself.
"You had the device implanted inside you?" Blueblood asked, paling at the prospect of having an artificial device inside of him.
"I was talking about the armor. Who would want to have something that's so high maintenance inside their body? That's just stupid."
"Oh." Blueblood released an internal sigh of relief. "I was wondering if you could teach me about its inner workings." Blueblood asked with a hopeful look on his face.
"Know anything about Nano Quantum-Entanglement Chronofields?"
I do not even recognize half of the words you have just said." Stated Blueblood, blushing slightly at not being able to keep up with this clearly devolved ape.
"Well then I'd rather not be court marshaled for melting a person- Er- I mean ponies, brain. Do you even have a legal system here?"
"The princesses generally turn the worst offenders into stone." Blueblood told the alien.
"Well, I guess it's sorta better than wasteland justice." He pondered aloud.
"What do you mean?"
"They tend to punish even the smallest slight with immediate death. If you have a very good reputation, you might get a bounty on your head. If you're not so high and mighty, you'll likely get hunted down by some crazy cult." He explained, "It's the main reason I prefer to be neutral. Totally has nothing to do with me blowing up a small portion of the Czech Republic and kickstarting the apocalypse." Bassicus said, accidentally letting the real cause of his neutrality slip.
"I see. Well since I can't be told how this device works, I'll have to take the knowledge directly from your dying brain." Blueblood said whilst a green fire engulfed his entire body, revealing him to be a small bug like alicorn.
"Well, this isn't really anything new to be honest." Bassicus sighed, slightly disappointed at the familiar experience.
"Be silent, morsel!" Shrieked the Bugicorn.
"I guess you didn't hear about my adventures, did you?" Bassicus asked the Bugicorn as he reached onto his back and grabbed ahold of his Electron Plasma Halberd.
"Enough talk! Now you die!" The Bugicorn screeched as it charged him, only to let out a startled yelp as it felt something hot pass through it.
"I'm surprised! Usually bad guys don't do that. EVER. They always blab on and on about how their master plan is infallible, completely blind to the fact I've started escaping their crappy holding cells." Taunted the axe-wielding Bassicus. Seeing movement from the corner of his eye, Bassicus whirled around, axe at the ready, only to find a startled pink horse. "Oh, there pink alicorn! Would you mind telling Celestia that Prince Blueblood here attacked me?" Bassicus politely asked of a gaping mouthed Cadance. She had entered the room to meet with her husband, Prince Blueblood, just in time to see a Changeling being cleaved in twain by a magical halberd wielded by a bipedal giant.
"O-okay." Cadance stuttered as she backed out and ran to find Celestia.
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Celestia had just finished enjoying a slice of her Chocolate Cloud Cake, when Cadance came bursting in on her babbling on about an alien and a changeling in Prince Bluebloods chambers.
"Slow down Cadance. Now tell me again, slowly, from the beginning, what did you see?"
After a few deep breaths Cadance started again, albeit at a much slower pace. "I was going to meet up with Blueblood and when I entered his chambers to get him... I-I-I saw a strange Biped clad in the most advanced armor I've ever seen, holding a halberd with a magical blade cut through a changeling like it was nothing." She had returned to tears by the end of the recount as to what she had seen.
"It's okay Cadance, I'm sure Blueblood's alright." Celestia soothed Cadance. Meanwhile, at the Canterlot train station, the real Blueblood, who had been away on vacation in the Griffon homelands and catching up with old friends, waited impatiently for a royal chariot to fetch him so he could return to the palace and reunite with his beautiful Cadance for a homecoming 'celebration'.
Back at the palace the guards were mobilizing to subdue the bipedal oddity wandering the halls like it owned the place. Bassicus was harmlessly humming the tune to an old Pre-War song he had listened to countless times over the years, when he found himself outside and surrounded by around three hundred unicorns, all armed with sharp (But not sharp enough to even scratch the Saturnite in his Power Armor.) spears.
"How can I help you?" Bassicus warily asked the Guardsponies.
"By the will of the Princesss you are to accompany us to the dungeons where you will await trial for breaking into the royal palace. Come peacefully or we will use force." One of the guards said. Bassicus could vaguely remember a name Celestia told him, followed with a brief description of what the commander of the Royal Guard looked like.
"No." Was all he said in reply as he started to walk forwards, only to find himself being blocked by a literal wall of spears.
"I'm afraid you don't have a choice." The Commander said- SHINING ARMOR- that was the name.
"Well you should be afraid, I've defeated whole armies with just one person as my back up. What could you possibly do to stop me?" Bassicus taunted the assembled guards. Their response? To levitate him off the ground and restrict his movements. "Well played, well played. Too bad I've dealt with things like this before." He calmly said, before being engulfed in an electric blue aura and falling to the ground with a soft thud.
"H-how are you doing that?! You don't even have a horn!" One of the guards screamed as they all began to panic at the creature before them.
"One does not simply escape from aliens without being brutally experimented on." Was all he said to ease their panic. That is, until he was impacted by a chromatic blue pegasus.
"Did you really think you could beat the fastest flier in Equestria!" Shouted the pegasus ontop of him.
"I hadn't really planned on it. But you've forced my hand." He said before grabbing her and launching her halfway across the garden into a tree. "Now let me find my way back to the dining hall so I can ask Celestia where my rooms are." He said whilst smoothing down some wrinkles that had appeared on his unwrinkleable armor.
"W-what?!" Yelled Shining Armor.
"What I just said. I'm a guest of the Princesses. They're absolutely fascinated by my tales, either that or they're absolutely scared shitless. Either one's fine."
"Uh... I guess we can escort you to the dining hall." Shining nervously replied. Why did the royal guard have to be so useless all the time?
"Sweet. You do know where the princesses are, right?"
"I'm the captain of their royal guard, ofcourse I know where they are!" Shining said with slight indignity.
"Well in that case. Lead on." Bassicus then proceeded to fall in line behind Shining Armor and follow him to princess Celestias private quarters. Shining just hoped this creature had no malevolent plans for the Princesses, as he was literally powerless to stop it. Though maybe the elements could possibly stop it, should his suspicions prove true.
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After finding Celestia and smoothing things over with Cadance, Bassicus found himself in his quarters. It was a nice enough place, at least until he could get his own facilities up and running. Then he could really go design happy on his new bedroom. As it was right now, he was stuck in a sparsely decorated room with a bed that could barely fit his unarmored form, three massive glass windows with a beautiful view over the royal gardens, a private bathroom and a small personal kitchen for midnight snacks. He had to admit, that last one had never occured to him wen building his underground home way back in 2093. He was definitely going to rectify that when he built one here. Assuming, ofcourse, that he could purchase a large enough plot of land to build in.
A few minutes later he had finished placing his personal effects on the bare shelves above his fireplace and was reminiscing over lost friends and allies, when there was a light knock at his door.
"It's open!" He yelled through the door to answer whomever was knocking. Only for it to be revealed as none other than Prince Blueblood himself.
"I have come to personally thank you for ousting that impudent changeling. He clearly wasn't smart enough to fully impersonate me. But that is to be expected of lesser species. So tell me, is it true you have a magical halberd capable of cutting through the exoskeleton of a changeling?" Blueblood asked, hoping to Celestia that he had found another being that shared his passion for armaments.
"No." Bassicus' answer disappointed Blueblood and it showed. That is, until he continued. "It's an invention of mine. I took the parts from some other mostly broken down weapons I had lying around, and using a bit of the ingenuity that got me hired on as a lead researcher at Vault-Tec, I created this: the Electron Plasma Halberd. One of the few things I know of that can effortlessly cut Saturnite."
Blueblood was speechless to say the least. Not only had this strange being crafted the weapon he was holding in front of him, but it also used technologies far more advanced than anything Equestria would only be able to produce in the next several hundred, maybe even a thousand, years time. To say he was in awe was an understatement.
"What is you name, good sir?" Blueblood politely asked, not wishing to earn the scorn of a being so clearly advanced.
"I'm Bassicus, sub-hero of the wastes and well-renowned genius. At least before the Great War."
"Might it be too much to ask of you to teach me the mechanics of your weapon..." Blueblood kindly asked before something clicked in his head. "And what do you mean by the Great War?" He asked a little suspicious of Bassicus at the moment.
"Oh it was just the governments of my planet reacting incredibilly stupidly to the world running out of resources. It MAY have also been sparked partially by me when I was escaping Mothership Theta. But to sum it up: It lasted only two hours and killed ninety five percent of all life on Earth, and the life that did survive was horribly mutated into post-apocalyptic monstrosities. And also Vault-Tec kinda, sorta, released a virus, accidentally I might add, into the environment causing the few humans who survived outside of the Vaults to mutate into Super Mutants. So all-in-all, the world went to shit, almost everything died and I had to step in to help put down the opressive elements that had taken hold in the years after the war, with the aide of some incredibilly determined individuals I might add."
"That must have been a horrible thing to experience. At least you still had a place to keep safe, right?"
"I was abducted three years before the war by aliens, I sorta lost all my possesions after I had been declared missing for over three months."
"You must have been through hell." Blueblood grimly stated.
"Well it wasn't so bad, I met some nice friends along the way. May have sleep with all the female ones and before coming here I sorta impregnated the Hero of the Mojave wasteland. Not going back there anytime ever."
"Why not?" Blueblood asked, eager to know the juicy details of his interactions with his mate.
"She has an army of nigh unstoppable robots, numbering in the thousands at her disposal."
"That is bad, I assume?" Blueblood asked curiously.
"Very, but anyway it's late. So I guess I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow?"
"Definitely, I can't wait to see what innovations you can think up!" Blueblood then skipped away happily at the thought of the new friend he made. "Auntie was right," He thought to himself, "Being nice to ponies really does feel good, and it also helps wonders when making friends." He looked both ways, making sure nopony was around, before knocking on Cadances door.
"Oh, hello Blueblood." Cadance said in a seductive tone.
"Might I come in?" Blueblood replied with a sly grin on his face.
"Anything for you." Cadance said as he moved aside to let Blueblood into her room before shutting and locking the door, then casting a soundproofing spell on her room for good measure.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Two: The After Changeling Effects
Chapter Two: The After Changeling Effects
Proofread by The11thWonder
"Rise and shine sleepyhead!" Was suddenly blared into Bassicus' ear, to which he calmly (He leapt off his bed with a Bowie Knife he didn't pack in hand.) responded, only to come face-to-face with a pink ball of hyperactive fun-doom.
"Uh... Hi?" Was all he had to say to the Element of Laughter.
"So you're the new pony Celestia was talking about?" Pinkie said in a completely legible way.
"I'm Bassicus. Now could you please step away from that shelving unit." He cautioned Pinkie Pie, who was standing on her hind legs to get a better look at all the stuff he stored on them. After a few seconds she, seemingly at random, picked up one of the items and was about to ask what it was before she accidentally dropped it onto the floor, causing it to shatter into tiny pieces.
"10." Bassicus slowly started counting down.
"OH I'M SO SORRY! HOW-"
"9."
"-Can I make it up-"
"8."
"-To you?"
"7... 6... 5... 4..." He continued counting down causing Pinkies mane to go flat and become less lively.
"Please! I'm really sorry!"
"3."
"Please just stop counting!"
"2." By now Pinkie was in tears, her coat and mane having lost all colour.
"1. Zero." And with that the entire room was enveloped in a blinding white-blue glow. After a few seconds Pinkie decided to look up from her cowering, only to see him placing the, perfectly fine, object she accidentally broke back on the shelf from where she got it.
"W-wh-what?"
"Hmm? Oh sorry I was just counting down until it started to repair itself."
"So you're not mad at me for breaking it?"
"Why would I be mad? I've been trying to break it for years."
"But why?" Pinkie asked, visibly perking up now that she knew he wasn't going to harm her, at least she hoped he wouldn't.
"It contains a power the aliens removed from me. All humans have this gift as well, only it's hidden. Locked away in the subconscious. Only a few humans have ever utilized it, and I met one of them. He's the one who helped me figure out what's in here."
"What's in there?" Pinkie asked, almost back to her normal self.
"My ability to use magic." Bassicus said in such a nonchalant way it elicited a surprised gasp from Pinkie.
"But how can't you use magic?! Everypony can uses a little magic!" Pinkie told him with absolute belief. How anypony could live without magic was beyond her.
"Ah. Therein lies the fault."
"What do you mean?" Pinkie asked in an odd display of focus.
"You said 'everypony' I am not a pony. Therefore by your logic, I shouldn't be able to use magic."
"I- Wha- HUH?!" Was the only response Pinkie could muster. Bassicus heard some appreciative whistling coming from the doorway.
"Ah ain't never seen anyone able to keep Pinkie quiet with stickin' their hoof in her mouth. Ah'm Applejack, by the way."
"And I'm Bassicus. So what are you here for?"
"The princess sent me t’ fetch ya for breakfast."
"I kinda expected her to be a little more... what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah! Reserved. I was expecting her to be a little more reserved when it came to telling her subjects about the existence of extra dimensional aliens."
"She just said you were a foreign dignitary from the other side'a the world. She never said anything about ya bein' from another planet, let alone another dimension."
"I really screwed the pooch, didn't I?" At this time Pinkie chose to strategically reenter the conversation, having gotten over her logic induced loop.
"YEP! You sure did! Whatever that means!" She beamed at him.
"Right. Well I guess I'll follow you to breakfast then, and don't tell anyone about what I said. Got it?"
"Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie and Applejack said in synch, miming the appropriate motions.
"Ok, that works too. Now let's get some breakfast." He said, rubbing his hands together in glee at the prospect of fresh, and wholly free, food.
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Ten minutes later, Applejack, Pinkie, and Bassicus arrived in the dining hall for breakfast, where he was promptly bombarded with questions by an overly excited Twilight. "Is it true you have a device that allows short distance teleportation?"
"Yes. Now will you stop asking me questions so I can eat?"
"But we haven't ordered anything yet." Twilight stated.
"Wait! I can ORDER what I want for breakfast, and not you know, get given whatever everyone else is having?"
"Well this is the royal palace, there's more than enough chefs willing to make whatever you want." Pitched Rarity.
"Well, I guess I'll have some eggs, bacon, OOH and a side of steak!" At his mention of meat, everyone present that was a pony (The three griffon ambassadors sitting at the table were completely unfazed by his asking for meat and the lone minotaur didn't give a fuck.) turn green in the face.
"What? Was it something I said?" He asked, completely confused as to why they were looking like they were going to be sick.
"I'm sorry, the prospect of eating meat doesn't really go down well with ponies." Celestia informed him.
"Why not? I thought they were omnivores as well." At this one of the griffons burst out laughing, only to cease when he got a chair to the face, courtesy of our hero.
"Ponies are herbivores, also I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't throw chairs at the griffon ambassadors." Celestia sternly explained.
"I see and also it was his fault for laughing at me."
"Well you're glad that the crown-princess wasn't here, I'd hate to see a war sparked between our two countries by the actions of a guest." Celestia scolded.
"Meh. When you’ve escape the clutches of a half dozen evil post-apocalyptic organizations; things like war don't really matter. Oh, wait. War is all that matters, since it's really the only thing still going on."
"What do you mean 'post-apocalyptic'?" Twilight asked curiously.
"Oh, my people blew ourselves, and the entire environment along with us, to sub-atomic dust." Bassicus informed her.
"But why would they do that?" Rarity beat Twilight to the chase.
"Stupid and corrupt politicians and extreme racism."
"Oh." All the ponies present intoned.
"... And then it threw me into a tree! ME! Into a tree!" Rainbow Dash whined to an unknown person.
"Wow, whatever creature did that sounds like a dweeb." The person Rainbow was talking to responded. After a few seconds they both walked into sight, the person accompanying Rainbow causing all the griffons to bow in respect.
"GAH! There it is!" Rainbow said pointing at Bassicus, who had just been served most of what he asked for.
"Hmm?" He looked up from folding his bacon tightly around with egg.
"Princess! It's the monster that attacked me in the garden last night!" Rainbow yelled at Celestia.
"I did not know that you attacked Rainbow Dash last night, Bassicus." Celestia menacingly said to Bassicus.
"Stupid bitch attacked me first. Lucky I merely threw her across the gardens and into a tree." He said, his goal of wrapping the egg on his plate in bacon complete.
"HEY! How dare you call my friend a bitch!" The Griffon crown-princesses screeched at Bassicus.
"Calm down. Fighting Bassicus will get you nowhere, fast. So settle down and have some breakfast, Gilda." Celestia suggested to the overzealous griffon.
"I guess so. And what do you mean fighting him will get me nowhere fast?" Gilda asked as she sat down next to Rainbow Dash.
"He has a weapon that makes the hardened exoskeletons of a changeling look like a sheet of thin paper against a sword." Celestia calmly told Rainbow and Gilda, she felt a bit of joy from seeing their horrified expressions.
"But changelings can take a war-hammer without their exoskeletons breaking." Twilight said, disbelief evident in her voice.
"I can show you it if you want." Bassicus said around his mouthful of bacon wrapped egg.
"I'm not sure that would be wise, Bassicus. And you're already holding it." Celestia deadpanned.
"This is an Electron Plasma Halberd. I made it myself." Bassicus proudly stated.
"That doesn't look too dangerous." One of the griffons said.
"Well I haven't turned it on yet."
"What?" Was all the reply he got. Without further ado he switched on his weapon, causing a bright flash to occur, but not enough that anyone had to look away, and an ethereal green blade to appear where it should have been.
"Ta-da!" He said whilst doing jazz hands. His unsupported halberd chose the moment to fall forwards and slice through the table and floor. "Whoops." He cheekily replied, somehow holding it again.
"Oh no." Groaned Twilight.
"What's wrong Twilight?" Asked Rarity.
"It's just like Pinkie, only smarter." At this statement everyone present, even the princesses, jaws dropped.
"T-t-this can't be true!" Gilda stammered out, only to see Bassicus tuning a banjo. "Fuck." Was all she said upon realizing Twilight spoke true.
"Ah say. Now we've got two Pinkies runnin' around. They're gonna cause more chaos than Discord if they ever go prankin'." Applejack groaned. Somewhere in the statue garden, the recently restatueisd Discord shivered. He knew only too well what Pinkie could do without immense scientific knowledge, but another like her with knowledge surpassing even Twilight? The next ponies to walk past his statue would see a sign hanging on it saying "I'm out, seeya when the second Pinkie leaves."
"What's so bad about being energetic? I mean if anything it's better than the alternative." Bassicus sagely responded.
"What do ya mean?" Applejack asked coz she's sitting at the table too ya know.
"I could have turned into a raider. So be glad I'm not, I'm pretty sure you value your skin." Bassicus offhandedly said.
"What do ya mean?" Applejack asked again.
"Raiders rape, kill, and eat other people, and if you're lucky they'll do it in that order."
"That's horrid!" Rarity exclaimed, far too dramatically.
"It's just life in the wastes. So, I'm sorta bored talking now. I'm gonna go explore."
"Oh no you aren't, dweeb. You're going to face me in combat unless you apologize for calling Rainbow a bitch." Gilda stated.
"Your funeral. I wonder if there'll be cake? I haven't had cake in like, two hundred years." At this tidbit of information everyone present gasped audibly, except for Pinkie, she was in utter horror that somepony hadn't had cake in two hundred years. Before anyone could say anything, both Pinkie Pie and Bassicus had vanished in a streak of pink.
"Where'd Pinkie go?" Applejack beat everypony else to the punch
"I'm more worried about where Bassicus is." Celestia said.
"Who's Bassicus?" Rainbow asked Celestia.
"He was the being you had a scuffle with yesterday."
"Oh. Well if I know pinkie, She'll have probably taken him to one of the parties she's stashed all over Equestria in case of a party emergency." Rainbow explained.
But where in tarnation would she be having a party?" Applejack pondered aloud.
"I know where she's having her party" Fluttershy whispered.
"I don't think she'll have it too far away, maybe the ball room?" Rarity suggested.
"I know where she's having her party" Fluttershy again tried to tell everypony.
"Nah, she'll probably want it somewhere she can gather a lot of ponies quickly." Rainbow Dash butted in.
"Somewhere public, nearby and-" Twilight was mentally checking off the possible places Pinkie could be having the party when she was interrupted.
"I KNOW WHERE SHE'S HAVING HER PARTY!!" Fluttershy yelled in an almost flawless imitation of the royal canterlot voice.
"GAH!!" Was the unanimous reply to Fluttershy’s outburst.
"Oh um... That is if you want to know." Fluttershy said shyly, slowly decreasing the volume of her voice until it was barely a whisper again.
"Where's she having the party, Fluttershy?" Rarity soothingly asked.
"She's having it in the gardens." she said slightly above a whisper.
"What do you mean? She's not ha-" Rarity cut herself off as she looked out the window and saw Pinkie, Bassicus, and a whole lot of snooty Canterlot nobles in the gardens, surrounded by tables covered in cupcakes and other sugary treats. "I stand corrected, I suggest we hurry. Lest Pinkie stirs up a panic." Rarity suggested as she was already exiting the dining hall.
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Outside in the gardens, Bassicus was having a wonderful time. "Oh wow! This is almost as awesome as that time Vault City threw me a birthday party slash thank-you-for-teaching-us-to-not-be-prejudiced party!" Bassicus ecstatically exclaimed.
"Somepony threw a better party than Pinkie?" Pinkie Pie mused to herself, mane slowly going limp. "I shall find them and learn their secrets!" She suddenly exclaimed, causing Bassicus to spill his punch on his Power Armor. "Oops. Sorry." Pinkie apologized.
"It's okay. I made to resist up to fifty mega Psi's worth of water pressure. I'm sure some punch- and it fried the stealth systems and the High Gravity Field Emitter."
"What are those?" Pinkie asked.
"One allows me to turn invisible and the other is what I use to get out of anti-gravity traps. Of which I only encountered three of, all on Mothership Theta. But better to be safe than sorry, and put down my Anti-Building Rifle." Bassicus mused.
"There you are Pinkie!" Rarity called from across the gardens, being followed by Princess Celestia, Princess Gilda, and the rest of the Mane 6 and the griffon ambassadors.
"Oh hi Rarity! Here for the party?" Pinkie cheered.
"Actually we've come so that Bassicus can apologize to Rainbow for calling her a bitch. HEY! Where'd he go?" Gilda angrily said until she noticed Bassicus's timely disappearance. That is, until he faded back into existence, surrounded by strange objects.
"PARTY FAVOURS!" He yelled and almost as if by some mysterious magic, known only to him and Pinkie, all the objects were launched into the air and were distributed even in front of everyone present. "Also I grabbed shit at random. So I'd suggest waiting ‘til I've checked what I brought *FwooshCirr* Clearly I brought my Magnetic Acceleration Tube. So gla- ah shit I left it loaded with a Mini nuke. *Deep breath* RUN!!" He finally bellowed before gapping it with a speed that would make Rainbow proud, if she wasn't thoroughly pissed.
"I wonder wha-" Celestia was cut off as a loud boom followed by the colours in the light being inverted. "I'll go get him. Start cleaning up the mess." She concluded looking at the crater right where the statue she had built to commemorate her reunion with her sister’s return.
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Bassicus was strategically hidden in a broom closet when he heard the sound of angry walking. He held his breath as they suddenly stopped outside his broom closet. "I know you're in there! Come out and face justice!" Suddenly the door was wrenched open and his sight was flooded with light. "Oh sorry. I was looking for the incompetent buffoon who dyed Trixie's mane bright purple. Why are you cowering in fear? Trixie knows she strikes an intimidating figure, but cowering in fear doesn't suit her tastes."
"Oh thank god. I thought you were Celestia." Bassicus breathed a sigh of relief as he turned out to be another pony who found him.
"What did you do?" Trixie asked.
"I accidentally gave a noble a Mini nuke and they blew up a statue with it."
"Trixie will smooth things over with her majesty, you strange metal biped." Trixie motioned for him to follow. "So what country do you hail from? Trixie has never seen a creature like you before."
"Well between you and me, I'm actually from another dimension." Bassicus confided in her.
"Bahahahahaha. That is the funniest joke Trixie has heard all day. Trixie is sure the Princess won't stay mad at you forever." Trixie unknowingly comforted. "Ah, Luna. Could you help me convince Celestia to go easy on Bassicus here? It would appear he's indirectly responsible for the destruction of a statue."
"Very well Trixie, I'll help you. How've the kids been lately?" Luna started striking up small talk.
"Oh, they've been angels; the Cutie Mark Crusaders really are good babysitters. Unfortunately they won't look after them anymore once they learnt they weren't going to get their cutie marks for babysitting."
"That is a real shame, still, I'm sure you can find somepony able to look after them."
"Oh I'm sure I will." Trixie appeared deep in thought. As the group rounded the corner they saw Celestia and the Mane 6 coming towards them down the hall.
"I see you found Bassicus, Trixie. I thank you for helping me look for him." Celestia thanked Trixie.
"It was no problem, however he did convince me to ask you to go easy on him."
"And how do you propose I do that?" Celestia asked, understanding what Trixie had in mind.
"As punishment he should be for- Trixie means made- to looks after her foals when she is away."
"That seems like a fair punishment." Bassicus agreed, he also noticed a strange look in Twilight's eye.
"Something wrong, Twilight?" Trixie teased Twilight.
"Oh she's just a little peeved that Trixie got chosen to be the Archmage instead of her." Rarity explained.
"What's an Archmage?" Bassicus asked, only to receive a massive intake of breath.
"How do you not know what an Archmage is!" Both Trixie and Twilight said at the same time.
"I don't have magic where I come from. Well I do, it's just not that abundant." Bassicus told them.
"We must educate him in the arcane ways." Twilight told Trixie, temporarily forgetting their rivalry.
"Yes. With your permission Celestia, Would it be okay if we were to borrow Bassicus so we can teach him about magic?" Trixie asked Celestia.
"Sure." Celestia agreed before walking away with Luna and the rest of the Mane 6 in tow.
"I have a bad feeling about this." Bassicus said as he felt a familiar drop in his stomach.
"Oh it's not going to be that bad." Twilight said whilst dragging him down the hall towards a private lecturing room.
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"... And that's how you measure the thaumic efficiency of your horn." Twilight concluded her portion of the lecture.
"I'm hungry; can we go get lunch now?"
"But we're only a quarter of the way through." Trixie told him.
"Fuck this shit." Bassicus said before moving to his own dimension and taking thirteen steps back and returning to the one he just left. After confirming where he was, he gapped it towards the dining hall to grab some lunch before the lecturesome duo could strike again. Little did he know that a few minutes after he left Trixie and Twilight had begun engaging in 'relations' with eachother.
After three minutes of random wandering he found his way to the dining hall, just in time for lunch. "I'd like a steak, well done, a side of deep fried chips, some tomato sauce, and a bottle of Nuka-Cola, please." He asked one of the waiters taking orders.
"Sir, we do not serve any of those. Now order something from the menus or leave." He replied, only to have his ability to breath removed as he was lifted off the ground.
"Fulfill my order, or I will hunt down your family and friends, and brutally torture them to death in front of you before force feeding you their remains and then skinning you alive. Got it?" He threatened the waiter.
"Y-yes!" The waiter gasped and soon found himself falling on the floor and then scrabbling away to go tell the chefs of his order.
"What?" Bassicus looked around at all the shocked faces.
"I didn't know you could get steak here." Gilda whispered to the nearest ambassador.
"You can't." Was her reply.
"Bassicus, stop intimidating the waiters." Celestia scolded him.
"Fiiiiiine." Bassicus said, behaving somewhat like a misbehaving child. "But no revolutionary technologies for you!" He said, giving out a triumphant laugh as he seated himself next to Gilda. "Hi."
"I'm still waiting for you to apologize to Rainbow Dash for calling her a bitch earlier." Gilda told him.
"I didn't call her a bitch earlier." He told her.
"Yes you did, I heard you."
"Did not."
"Did too.
"Did not"
"Did too.
"Did not"
"Did too.
"Did not"
"Did too.
"Did not"
"Did too.
"Did not"
"Oh shut it!" Yelled the minotaur seated across the table from them. "You're both adults, act it or I'll spank you until you do!" He angrily told them.
"I can punch through reinforced steel." Bassicus simply put.
"And I'm a master of the Iron Claw Technique." Gilda also added.
"I'm a well decorated war veteran from Minitos. I'm better than both of you." He growled.
"Ever fought a Deathclaw?" Bassicus asked.
"What?"
"A Deathclaw; ever fought one?"
"I have not." Replied the minotaur.
"Well, then shut the fuck up you poser."
"You and me, tomorrow at midday." The minotaur challenged.
"Sure. I could use some exercise."
"No fighting with our new military adviser Bassicus."
"Why would somewhere as peaceful as Equestria need a military adviser?" Bassicus asked.
"We're at war with the United Factions." Celestia told Bassicus.
"Who're they?"
"They're a group of nations that banded together to form a super country, they have been corrupted by their ideals and have launched an invasion on Equestria." Celestia gloomily stated.
"So it's only fair that her allies sent their aide." Gilda said.
"How many soldiers?" Bassicus asked her.
"Twelve thousand." Gilda proudly responded
"Weeeeeeak!" Bassicus said.
"No it isn't, It's half the griffon army."
"Before the Great War, the USA had several million soldiers." He smiled proudly at the shocked faces of the griffons and the minotaur.
"There's no way a country could have such a large army." The minotaur intoned.
"China had a larger one, better equipped. But advanced weapons tech couldn't do shit against the pure destructive force of a Nuclear Warhead."
"Nuclear Warhead?" Gilda and the minotaur asked.
"Humanities ultimate weapon, a single one could wipe out a city three times the size of Canterlot."
"So what happened?"
"Hmm?"
"You mentioned you were from a post-apocalyptic wasteland. What caused it?" Gilda asked, curious about how humanity settled its 'Great War'.
"Well China, the USA, and Russia all unleashed their entire nuclear stockpiles and caused a nuclear winter to blanket the entire planet, killing off or mutating all life not in a fallout shelter.
"How long ago was this war?"
"Around two hundred and tenish years ago. Don't rightly remember, as it happened before I escaped from Mothership Theta."
"Mothership Theta?" The minotaur asked.
"It was an alien research ship tasked with researching all life on earth."
"This isn't 'earth', as you called it. This is Equus. Clearly you must have accidentally crossed dimensions." The minotaur said.
"I know, I made the device that brought me here."
"Wait what!" Was the collective response from all listening on the conversation.
"I build a dimensional travel device. Need to come up with a good name for it though."
"You are clearly an intellectual being if you could figure out how to move between dimensions." The minotaur remarked.
"I had some help from the Think Tank."
"The who?"
"Not that old band. The Think Tank. Pre-war scientists who are now just brains in jars."
"I see." The minotaur pondered internally for a few minutes and just as he was about to answer, lunch arrived. "Here is your lunch, General Iron Will."
"Thank you."
"And here is yours, almighty Bassicus."
"Don't start worshiping me as a god, it ended badly the first time and it'll end badly again."
"My apologies." The waiter said removing the lid on the plate that held Bassicus' food.
"DAFUQ is this?" He exclaimed pointing to the chips.
"Those are the Hay Fries you asked for." The waiter nervously answered.
"I wanted them made from potato." Bassicus menaced.
"B-but potato is poisonous."
"No it's not. I've eaten it loads of times and I'm perfectly fine, so long as you don't count three heart attacks and a case of cardiac arrest as bad." Everyone was looking at Bassicus as if they’d seen a ghost. "What?"
"How are you still alive?"
"The autodocs at the hospital fixed me right up."
"I'd suggest we switch topics before Bassicus melted out brains."
"Agreed." And with that they all settled down to eat their lunches and make small talk. Everything would be fine until tomorrow.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Three: The Awakening
Chapter Three: The awakening.
Proofread by The11thWonder
Bassicus awoke to a steady beeping sound. At first he thought the Think Tank had decided to experiment on him again. He was collecting his strength to break out of his binding when two people wearing what appeared to be wooden shoes entered the room.
"Ah, the strange creature is awake. Bring in Mind Probe." One of people said.
"Yes your majesty!" The other one probably saluted and hurriedly left.
"Soon I shall know everything you do, and when I do, those pathetic foals won't know what hit them!" The, now clearly feminine, voice hissed.
"I don't like my mind being read. Prepare to die." He calmly said, suddenly surging his arms forward to break the chains holding them, only to have them jolt to a sudden stop. "Huh?"
"Those chains have been enchanted to be indestructible." The voice said with a hint of pride. It was around this moment he realized he was blind-folded. He had prepared a sarcastic retort, when he got an idea.
"Say, are the walls indestructible?" He asked the voice.
"What are you talking about?" The voice asked him in confusion.
"Thought so." And with an almighty burst of strength he ripped the chains out of the walls, along with some of the wall as well, and swung in the direction of the voice. He heard a satisfying crunching noise. Wasting no more time he quickly removed his blindfold and began freeing himself. He decided to take a look around the room he was in. It was made of a pitch black form of stone, almost like obsidian, with no windows, a single open door (Are they retards?) and an unconscious four legged being with massive cracks in its exoskeleton.
"Now, how am I going to get these off?" He idly thought to himself.
"You're not." Replied a voice.
"And why's that?" He asked whilst turning around, only to see a smaller version of the same unconscious creature standing in the door way. "DAFUQ are you supposed to be?" Was all the response he could manage before the creature charged him. Bassicus deftly dodged the assault, sending the creature flailing into the wall. "Well as much fun as that was, I really should get going." He mused to himself whilst exiting his cell. The hallway was rather drafty, as he could feel it on his rather naked ass, and he decided to go in the direction of the gust.
Upon reaching the end of the hallway he encountered a room full of the strange creatures, all frozen in a state of action, some were eating, others walking, and the rest buzzing around (though they eventually fell to the ground.).
"Uhh... Hi?" At the sound of his voice the room exploded into action as they all started charging him. "Oh sure 'let's attack the imposing giant wielding two massive ROCKS attached to chains as a weapon'. Real fuckin’ smart." He muttered to himself, readying to attack the horde, only to see them stop suddenly as a voice rang out behind him.
"Did you really think it was so easy to best the queen of the changelings?" The voice, which he now decided to label as the queen of what he was now calling changelings, called out from behind him.
"I actually didn't know what the fuck you were. So I hardly felt compelled to use my full might against you." He smartly replied.
"I saw you straining, I know you are just another weak little creature that thinks it is better than the rest." The voice menacingly told him.
"I was actually holding back, because last time I broke out of some chains I accidentally killed everything in front of me with the shrapnel." He smugly told her.
"I find that hard to believe." Chrysalis was not amused.
"Yeah... That was a lie. But I can still beat you to death."
"Bring it. I shall send you back to the depths of your dreams once again, and instead of waiting for you to awake, I shall merely torment your unconscious mind with horrendous nightmares as I slowly drain your memories." Chrysalis said, before charging Bassicus, and receiving a rock to the head.
"Didn't you forget I have wall rocks?"
"A mere oversight, but let us see how well you fare against the entire changeling hive!" And as if on cue, the changelings all charged Bassicus.
"Sigh." Bassicus swung, seemingly carelessly, at the approaching horde and knocked out a few changelings. After gauging his chances of success, Bassicus decided to go 'Ah fuck it!' and charged the bulk of the horde and, in a beautifully choreographed display of brutality, violently pulped each and every changeling that he came across. After roughly ten minutes of bug squashing, Bassicus stood triumphantly as over two quarters of the changeling swarm lay dead at his feet. "And THAT is how you defeat nearly half an army, buck naked and without any conventional weapons!" He loudly cheered.
Chrysalis merely watched as Bassicus cheered in front of her, whilst waiting for her secret weapon to arrive, she idly pondered how she knew this creature’s name. Then she saw the massive tattoo of its name on its back. Ominous thumping signaled the arrival of her ace in the hole, something she had developed to help to best the Elements of Harmony in her next invasion of Equestria.
The Queen thunderously boomed. "BEHOLD THE MIGHT OF MY SECRET WEAPON!!!".
Bassicus, still not giving a fuck, turned to look at where the thumping was coming from and saw a massive shadow, but noticed it was getting smaller and the sound of the thumps was reducing. After a full minute he beheld Chrysalis' ultimate weapon, a weapon designed to fill her enemies hearts with fear and make them quake at her approach. Bassicus' reaction wasn't at all what was supposed to happen.
"IT'S SO FUCKING CUTE!" He said, lunging towards the incredibly adorable creature that now stood in front of him.
The changelings and their queen all reacted similarly upon seeing Bassicus, who was supposed to be overcome with fear, cuddling the Queen’s ultimate weapon. "Wha-Huh-HOW?! How can you be unaffected by my secret weapon?" She angrily asked.
"How can I be scared of something so adorably cute!" He squeed, causing the Queen to take a step back, here was a creature of unmatched cruelty and it was cuddling with... with a BABY CHANGELING!
"GRAHHH!" Chrysalis growled before charging Bassicus, and once again got smacked in the face with a section of wall.
"How do you keep forgetting about these?" He asked, jingling the chains with some wall stuck to them. With a shout of rage Chrysalis dissolved the chains with her magic and charged again, only to fall to the ground paralyzed. "Paralyzing palm, my good madam." He explained cheekily before walking away, and then walking back. "Exit's that way." He said, continuing to find his way out of the changeling hive.
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Two hours later Bassicus was standing on the very top of the changeling hive, completely confused as to how he got there. "How the fuck did I get up here!" He cried to the heavens, which must have decided to be nice for a change as an airship descended from the clouds. "Thank the fucking gods!" He yelled with mirth. And returning to their old ways, the airship opened fire on Bassicus and the hive in general. "When I get out of this, I'm coming for you." He threatened the heavens, only to get struck by a lightning bolt, launching him down the side of the hive.
"We got a wounded non-combatant here!" A voice cried out in alarm at Bassicus' feud with the heavens.
"Squadron three, go and bring the non-combatant to the Amadias, NOW!" Ordered a possibly authoritative voice, Bassicus wasn't entirely sure as he had blacked out at this point.
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Bassicus awoke, again, in an unfamiliar room. Looking around he realized, One: He wasn't blindfolded, and two: He was in an infirmary of some sort. "Ah, good. You are awake. I thought that you would be unconscious after the lightning strike." A strange sounding voice told him.
"Where am I?" He questioned.
"You are in the Amadias' Medical bay." The voice told him. "Now then, who and what are you?"
"I'm Bassicus, Sub-hero of the wastes, and I'm a human." He explained, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.
"I see, but why Sub-hero?" The voice asked.
"I'll answer that once I get your name, miss...?"
"It's Gilded Feather, so as you were about to explain?" Gilded Feather prompted Bassicus.
"I call myself a Sub-Hero because I'm never the actual hero, merely a companion; have been for the last two hundred years." He told Gilded, only to receive disbelieving gasps. "What?"
"There's no way you're immortal!" Gilded yelled at him.
"Sure I am, just like my entire skeleton was ripped out and replaced with robotic imitations, and my muscles were mucked around with to make them pack more punch per square-inch then anything short of a Deathclaw."
"Lies and slander." Was Gilded's response.
"Aliens."
"Everyone knows they don't exist." Gilded Said. "They only exist in science fiction books and comics."
"I have the experiences to prove otherwise. Now changing topics, don't suppose you could tell me why you were at that weird bug filled mound?"
"Well, since you aren't really in the know, I suppose the captain won't be displeased at me for telling you. We were rai-" Gilded began to explain, only to get cut off.
"Airman Gilded Feather, were you about to give away our mission to this creature!" The authoritative tone demanded.
"Right here, ya know." Was Bassicus' response to the demand, whereas Gilded Feathers went more along the lines of:
"N-no S-Sir! I was merely checking in on the patient, sir!"
"Good, now then, what have you learnt from it?"
"It's apparently called a 'human' and its name is Bassicus. It also has allusions that it is immortal and was abducted by aliens."
"It's all true! Every last word!" Bassicus called out from the bed where he had found a magazine and was reading it.
"Be quiet creature!" The new comer screeched at Bassicus.
"Asshole." He muttered to himself whilst turning the page.
"Well, let's take him back to the capital with us. The king could use another pet." The newcomer chuckled.
"Bullllshit." Bassicus said.
"You are in no position to protest, creature." The newcomer, who Bassicus has now labeled as Bob, told him.
"Huh? I wasn't listening to what you were saying, I was merely remarking on how much bullshit this supposed 'scientific' magazine was filled with."
"What are you on about? That is the royal university of Gryphos' monthly magazine on the inner workings of the universe."
"And it's all completely wrong. Gravity isn't caused by the planets benevolence towards the creatures on its surface. It's caused by the collective pull from the innumerable number of atoms that make up the land." He scienced [Perception: 15!]. After his little explanation he suddenly started floating up. "What did you do?" He regarded the two people, Griffons he now realized. They remained stoic and unfazed, like this shit happened to him on a daily basis.
"You pissed of Equus, and so she excluded you from gravity."
"I'm calling hacks on this, no way can a planet be sentient." At this he suddenly smacked into the floor, then the ceiling, then the floor again, before returning to being suspended in midair.
"I beg to differ." An ethereal voice called out from everywhere and nowhere.
"And why do you say that?" Bassicus asked as the two griffons slowly backed out of the room.
"Because I am Equus." The ethereal voice replied.
"And I'm really an inter-dimensional traveler."
"You dare mock me, mortal?" Equus threatened.
"I'm not mocking you, I really do traverse dimensions. Speaking of which, I don't suppose you know where all my stuff is?"
"Ask Captain Swift Talon." Equus told him, before switching the gravity back on.
"So Captain Swift Talon, what day is it?" Bassicus asked.
"Uh... It's Wednesday." Captain Swift Talon uneasily replied.
"I see. Where is my stuff?"
"We scavenged some strange items on our mission, I assume they are yours?" Captain Swift Talon asked.
"Probably. Now I'm just going to forget that I pissed off the planet, and follow you to where these items are."
"But you got struck by lightning!" Gilded warned him.
"I know, and I'm better now. So these items?" Bassicus brushed off the warning casually, leaving Gilded Feather indignantly sputtering.
"Uh, right this way... Sir?" Captain Swift Talon asked uneasily.
"Sure." After exiting the infirmary, Captain Swift Talon walked across the hall and unlocked the door to the storage room. Gesturing to all the items carefully arranged on the shelves he asked.
"Is any of this yours?"
"Most of it." Bassicus said, before becoming a light brown blur (‘cause he's tanned.), much to the confusion of Captain Swift Talon. After ten seconds of solid looting- I mean reclaiming lost property, Bassicus stood in his Hydra Power Armor with his Anti-building rifle and Electron Plasma Halberd slung across his back and his Slug Pistol hung from his waist. "Now I don't feel... Okay I didn't exactly feel vulnerable before, what's the feeling I'm looking for?" He asked himself.
"Comfortable?" Captain Swift Talon suggested.
"That's it! Now I feel more comfortable." Bassicus exclaimed, three seconds later the room rocked as an explosion sounded from elsewhere on the Amadias.
"We appear to be under attack, don't move." Captain Swift Talon ordered Bassicus as he turned to leave.
"So you don't need my help?" Bassicus asked.
""Why would I need the help of an untrained individual as you?"
"Because I have this really OP rifle that could be classified as industrial mining equipment."
"I don't know what any of that means, but you're still staying here."
"I have a halberd I'm really effective with."
"... Fine. Just don't make me regret letting you help." He said, motioning for Bassicus to follow, as another explosion tore at the ship. After a short trip out a door, Bassicus found himself on the deck of an airship pulled out of the pages of a fantasy novel. Complete with galleon shape and a massive balloon keeping it aloft.
"I'm just not gonna question how this is scientifically possible and just roll with it, then it's all the therapist’s problems. When I find one, that is." Bassicus muttered to himself before preparing for battle.
On the deck of the airship, the griffon crewmen fought changeling invaders in a chaotic battle for control of the deck. The griffons were clearly outmatched and were losing the fight, the changelings, pushing their advantage made a move towards the doorway Bassicus was standing in. His thoughts? Seen worse. Couldn’t help but put a comical spin on the whole situation. Magic bug-pirates attacking Griffons on a futuristic airship. In another dimension. Pulling his halberd off his back he prepared to do battle with the changeling swashbucklers on deck, only to hear amused chuckling coming from the captain.
"Nice halberd." He laughed, trying and failing at hiding his amusement that the creature was so boastful about its weapon and it turned out to be a dud and they were all going to die because of it. With this ego slightly damaged, Bassicus hit the on switch for his halberd, momentarily causing everyone present to stop what they were doing to look in his direction, as a green blade materialized out of nowhere. "Showoff." He could feel his ego rising from its ashes.
Standing at the ready, Bassicus prepared for the worst, only to have the heavens continue being assholes as a massive changeling the size of the airship broke through the cloud layer below them. "I swear, if I can't penetrate its armor with my Anti-Building Rifle,” He gestured towards the heavens, “I'm coming at you with torture tools.” This earned a confused look from Swift Talon, and readied his Anti-Building Rifle to take down the gargantuan changeling, only for it to be wrenched out of his hands by a changeling that used it as a blunt instrument to hit him on the head. "Ow. Quit it. Okay this is just getting annoying." He finally said after thirty seconds continuous smacking, and merely grasped his rifle and and took a potshot at the massive changeling, removing its wing and removing a fair portion of its protective exoskeleton in the process. However, the beast still stayed aloft.
"Screw it." He said before pulling a grenade off his belt that wasn't there before and lobbing it in the changeling’s mouth. Patiently waiting, Bassicus backhanded a changeling off the side of the airship, and then he realized something. "I forgot to pull the pin." He facepalmed, only for something sharp to prick against his forehead, which as it turned out, was the pin. Completely confused as to why the grenade didn't detonate, he was completely caught off guard and was flung to the floor when it did go off, coating everything nearby in changeling bits.
"What in Tartarus was that?" Swift Talon yelled in surprise.
"It was just a Holy Hand Grenade, which I only have twenty of left."
"A little warning before you use one of them, the next time?"
"Okay, I guess. So what's for dinner?" Bassicus asked, in an attempt to get Swift's mind off the giblets of changeling coating his airship.
"It's seven in the morning. So we're having fish stew for breakfast."
"Okay, I suppose." Bassicus replied.
After settling down in the mess hall of the airship, Bassicus decided to check his inventory and, much to his surprise, he discovered he still had his extremely large stockpiles of ammo on him. "I've been wondering something for a while now." he asked no one in particular.
"What is it?" Asked the griffon sitting next to him.
"I'd say it, but I'm not gonna risk the heavens deciding to undo it."
The Griffon raised an eyebrow. "The heavens?"
"I don't know what it is exactly, but for some reason me and it haven't gotten off on the right foot."
"And what is 'it'?"
"The supreme master of the universe."
"You really know how to make enemies."
"Yep, also what kind of fish is in this soup?" He asked the griffon.
"Cod."
"Ah.I may need to be taken to the infirmary soon."
"Why?" The griffon asked, only for his question to be answered seconds later by Bassicus falling unconscious next to him with his face completely swelled. "Ah fuck."
The Adventures of Bassicus
Bassicus' SPECIAL, Stats, Skills, and Perks
Bassicus' S.P.E.C.I.A.L and Skills.
Stats:
Strength : 18
Big Guns: 200
Traits:
Perks:
Challenge Perks:
Implants, both Alien and Human:
Bassicus only Perks:
Perk Given if Companion:
Author's Note
A little insight on just how OP Bassicus would be if he weren't existing on very hard difficulty and with everything twice as dangerous as they should be.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Four: Allergies.
Proofread by The11thWonder
Bassicus was starting to get pretty sick of waking up in strange rooms. After spending a few minutes gathering the details of the room, he realized he was in the Amadias' infirmary. With nothing to do. This was gonna get non-Newtonian.
"...Now I'm sure he won't awaken for another two hours. So do what you need to do and then get out… Why are there diagrams etched into in the floor and walls?" An unfamiliar voice said as it entered the room.
"I got bored and so I took some Mentats." Bassicus replied without looking up from where he was disfiguring a griffon medical skeleton prop.
"Okay. Would you mind if we did some tests to make sure you don't have another allergic reaction to the medicine we gave you?" The voice nervously asked.
"Pip-boy says I'm all good. Don't need any tests."
"Pip-boy?" The voice asked, only for Bassicus to point to a strange gauntlet on his left arm. "I see you're still wearing some armor." The voice observed.
"No. It's my Pip-boy."
"Okay, I'm just going to let my friends here do some tests on yo- Where'd you get your halberd from?" The voice was saying when Bassicus, like the many wearers of a Pip-boy, pulled out his halberd from absolutely nowhere.
"Don't question Vault-Tec ingenuity. Now leave before I have me some griffon for dinner."
"It's actually lunch, but I'll be going now." The voice said, before its owner and several others slowly backed out of the room.
After ten minutes Gilded Feather came in to check on him, and shortly passed out from all the maths on the wall. After coming down from his Mentats high, Bassicus went and shook Gilded awake. "You came in for something?" He asked as she groaned.
"What did you do? And why do I feel smarter?" She asked as he helped her up and together they went off to get lunch.
"I was just on a Mentats high. So what's for lunch?" He asked, trying to change the topic from his many chem addictions.
"We're having Bass soup."
"I think that's the captain’s way of trying to get back at me."
"Probably. There's also some bread and dried meats to go with the soup."
"You're the chef aren't you?" Bassicus asked out of the blue.
"What would make you say that?" Gilded asked.
"Because you know exactly what's for lunch."
"Smart-ass."
"Not my fault my Pip-boy reads my intelligence as nineteen."
"A machine can't measure your intelligence."
"Sure it can. See, here's my S.P.E.C.I.A.L." He said whilst holding up his Pip-boy 25000 for her to see his biological statistics.
Strength: 18
Perception: 15
Endurance: 20
Charisma: 13
Intelligence: 19
Agility: 16
Luck: -3
"How could your species make something so advanced?" She asked as she gawked at his stats.
"Vault-Tec was a rather advanced company-hey I'm slightly luckier!" He remarked as he saw his Luck was -3.
"How can negative-three luck make you luckier?" Gilded asked as they were getting their lunches.
"It used to be negative twenty. Yeah, I was not a lucky camper." Gilded merely nodded sagely at his revelation.
"So that's how you ended up in a changeling hive."
"Huh?"
"You're so unlucky that when your ship crashed they discovered you and tried to siphon off all your memories." Gilded said in an increasingly excited tone.
"... DAFUQ you been smoking?" Bassicus just looked at her likes she smoked some bad weed.
"What? Never mind. I'm talking to an alien! This is so exciting!" She squeed in joy.
"I don't have a ship." He said, and if one listened carefully, they could hear the sound of childhood dreams shattering.
"What?" She asked, creepy smile still on her face.
"I'm not an alien. I'm an inter-dimensional traveler." He stated, only to fall to the floor clutching his ears, as did everyone else present, when she let out a shrill squeal of excitement. "My ears! My beautiful, beautiful, highly augmented ears!!" He screamed in agony as he felt blood trickle from his ears.
"Eheheheh. Sorry." Gilded sheepishly replied, spotting the airship’s entire crew clutching their ears and groaning in agony. "I was just so excited that I was going to be able to one-up that Twilight Sparkle from Equestria."
"Will I ever hear again?" One of the crew members asked.
"Oh stop being a wuss, You'll be able to hear again in a few minutes." Gilded said as she dug into her lunch, shortly afterwards joined by Bassicus, who was still nursing his ears. "So, how's my cooking?" Gilded asked Bassicus as the tried some of the soup, analyzing it first to see if anything in it could poison him.
"It's okay." He said. After receiving an 'I'll cut you if you don't say it's the best damn food you've ever eaten' look from Gilded, he added: "I used to eat five star gourmet meals before the Great War." He released a sigh of relief as Gilded's look abated; he'd never been that scared of anything, and he’s gone one-on-one with an alien super robot.
"So what now?” Bassicus asked between mouthfuls of soup and bread.
"Now we return to Gryphos and you get judged by the king."
"Doesn't sound too bad."
"If you fail, he kills you."
"I've faced off against building sized bugs that shoot plasma. I doubt a puny old griffon can beat me." He proudly stated.
"He's twice as tall as I am, and can lift twenty times his own weight."
"So? I'm wearing three hundred pound armor."
"I find that hard to believe."
"It requires its own power source to be able to move."
"Aren't you afraid that I'll tell him your armors weakness?"
"Doubt it; he'd need to be able to punch through steel to even scratch my armor."
"And why's that?"
"Saturnite."
"What?"
"It's a space age alloy developed in Big MT by the Think Tank. If I had my shredders, nothing would stop me." He told her, gaining an evil look in his eyes at the end.
"Okay. So what are these 'shredders' you just told me about?"
"A pair of Saturnite Powerfists with some Saturnite blades attached to the piston, with about two hundred thousand volts of electricity running through the blades. Also, I have the option to superheat the blades."
"And what does having these extra features do?"
"The electricity means it's highly effective against Power Armor and machines, also it stuns creatures the blades come into contact with, and super-heating the blades makes them an anti-armor weapon."
"I don't think the king will fail you."
"Why? I didn't even tell you about my pistol or my rifle."
"I'm just going to assume everything you have can take down an armored airship."
"I actually did destroy one of those once."
"Of course you did." Gilded sighed.
"It was in the year 2102, I believe. I'd just finished helping out the Vault Dweller and was exploring the southern wastes, when a massive Pre-War construct flew right overhead and started attacking the nearby city. So, being the Good Samaritan I am, I went to the besieged city and proceeded to scale the nearest still standing skyscraper, leapt onto the deck, and slaughtered its entire crew before singlehandedly piloting it back to where I dumped Theta."
"That was very brief and to the point." Gilded told him, then a thought occurred to her. "What's Theta?"
"It’s the alien mothership that abducted me."
"I knew it!" She screeched, causing everyone in earshot to whimper.
"Aliens exist in my dimension, not sure about yours. But, needless to say, I eventually cannibalized Theta and the airship I stole to make my base of operations, the inhabitants of the city I saved rewarded me for saving them by helping me build my base, and their descendants still run and maintain it to this day."
"I see, and how long ago was this?"
"Like, one hundred and eightyish years ago."
"Bullshit."
"I'm not joking. The aliens did something to me that stopped the aging process, amongst other things."
"Like what?" Gilded asked him. 'Like telepathy'. "GAH!!" She shouted when she heard his voice in her head, earning several confused looks from the others in the room.
"It's not very good, I had to constantly keep practicing to get it even to that level of power."
"A little warning next time you speak in my head?" She asked, 'But where's the fun in that?’ One of the griffons at the next table squawked in surprise at the sudden voice in its head
"Sorry, meant to do that to Gilded Feather" Bassicus called out an apology to the embarrassed griffon.
"Really? You're gonna abuse a gift like that?"
"It's not abuse if I forgot I had it."
"I'm… I'm just not gonna bother, your species is clearly a paradox." Gilded Feather said, throwing her arms up in defeat.
"Cool. So when're we gonna arrive in Gryphos?"
"We passed the border three hours ago; we have another ten before we arrive in the capital." Gilded told him, glad to be off the topic of just what the fuck he was capable of.
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Ten hours later the airship had reached the royal air-docks and was just beginning to dock. Being as bored as he was, Bassicus decided to leap onto the docks, failing hopelessly. After being saved by his Power Armor’s auto teleport system from a twenty thousand foot drop, he casually brushed himself off and muttered something about meaning to do that.
"I am Knight Captain Pierce. I have been ordered to escort you and Gilded Feather to the throne room."
"Can't I have some time to explore the city?"
"The king wishes to see you immediately."
"Fine." He started to follow the Knight Captain, when he got bored and started up a conversation. "So, what's a Knight Captains job?"
"I am second in command of the royal guard, though why I am escorting a creature such as you is beyond my reasoning."
"Because I was found in the captivity of something called changelings, which I slaughtered almost half of."
"I find that hard to believe, changelings are one of the hardest things to kill in this world."
"What are the others?"
"That does not matter; we have arrived at the throne room."
"So what do I do now?"
"Now you enter the throne room to be judged."
"Very handy." Bassicus muttered as he entered the room. Looking around he noticed it was rather gloomily decorated, with scarce amounts of light filtering in through the windows and flickering torches lighting the area around the two dozen black marble pillars lining the room. "Rather creepy."
"I'm glad you appreciate my decor." A rusty baritone voice called out from across the room. "I am High King Thermopylae, and you are here to learn of your fate in the griffon empire."
"Now might be a good time to tell you: I'm wearing three hundred pounds of armor."
"I see… what does this 'armor' do exactly?" The High King asked with venom in his voice.
"It's resistant to anything short of an anti-material round, and even then it's getting iffy, it retains heat like there's no tomorrow, had to add some counter measures to stop from being melted into it, it has an auto teleport function to help me out in combat, it augments my strength to ridiculous proportions, it has mini plasma casters in its right glove, a mini Gatling laser in the left one, there's hydraulic pistons in the boots to allow me to move faster and jump farther, and it's designed to be able to interface with my Pip-boy."
"And the helmet?" The High king asked, worry colouring his voice.
"Night vision, thermal vision, heat vision, x-ray vision, optical zoom up to three thousand times magnification, and if worn with the armor itself, creates a completely sealed environment with recycled air."
"So it's incredibly expensive to maintain?"
"Not really, just need to swap out the Fusion Core every twenty years or so and you're golden."
"Can you mass produce this armor, only redesigned for a griffon?"
"If you're willing to spare me the materials and labourers to get myself a base of operations off the ground."
"Very well, I shall-" The High King was about to accept Bassicus' deal and seal his fate as the main weapons manufacturer of the griffon empire, when a jet of green smoke flew through one of the windows and materialized into a scroll in front of him. After giving it a quick once over, the High King’s expression turned into a frown. "It would appear Princess Celestia has heard about your presence, and has requested that I have you escorted to her palace in Equestria."
"She better not be a tyrant, otherwise I'm going and bringing Colossus back here."
"What's this 'Colossus' of which you speak?"
"It's a giant robot I designed a while ago, only recently did I sort out its power requirement problems and weapons systems."
"I see. Your fate has been decided: you are now an honorary member of the Griffon Military and an official citizen of Gryphos. I shall arrange a place for you to stay for the next three days, in which you will be allowed access to all public areas. Once the three days are up, you shall be sent to Equestria to meet with Princess Celestia. While you are they’re you will be a member of my daughter’s personal security force. Have a pleasant stay in Aquilos. Knight Captain Pierce will take you to the royal treasury to pick up a sum of ten thousand bits to help with your endeavors. You are dismissed."
After exiting the throne room, Bassicus followed Pierce to the royal treasury to pick up his money. After watching Pierce babble incoherently for half an hour as he tried to figure out where Bassicus stored all the bits he was given, the duo moved onwards to the arranged lodgings for Bassicus, which were coincidentally right next to the crown princesses’ rooms.
"And this is where we part company and I leave you to your own machinations; please don't do anything drastic."
"I won't if you won't." Bassicus said before going to his room, which Pierce was still trying to figure out how he knew was his, despite never being told which it was.
After closing the door, Bassicus marveled at how creepy his room looked: black marble walls, dark purple carpets, stained glass windows depicting various heroic figures in combat. He decided his room needed a makeover.
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Gilda was just returning to her rooms when she heard an almighty crash coming from the guest room located next to her room. A little pissed at the interruption of her internal musings, she barged into the room only to discover that instead of the normal griffon-esque decor, the entire room had been redecorated with an assortment of technological devices and a large array of weapons. The lone occupant of the room was busy sitting on a couch, fiddling with something on its arm.
"Just what the hay is going on in here?" She demanded: no one disturbs the Crown Princess and gets away with it.
"I was just remodeling. The last look was just too creepy for me, brought back memories of all the raider nests I've purged over the years."
"Do you know who I am?" She asked.
"Do you know who I am?" Bassicus asked her in return.
"Wha- No! Of course I don't know who you are."
"And neither do I?" Bassicus told her in response.
"I am Princess Gilda, heir to the throne of Gryphos."
"I'm Bassicus, Sub-Hero of the wastes. A pleasure to meet you." Bassicus said, holding his hand out to Gilda.
Not knowing what to do, Gilda took his hand and shook it. "What makes you so important that you deserve the room next to the Crown Princess?" She asked him after a few minutes of semi-awkward silence.
"Not a lot I suppose, asides from the fact my armor is the most technologically advanced armor on the entire planet, I have weapons that make yours feel inadequate, oh and I'm ruggedly good looking and am hung like a horse."
"I find that hard to believe." Gilda said with an unamused look on her face.
"Yeah, I'm not really hung like a horse, it's about average." He told her slightly embarrassed.
"Right, I'm gonna go catch some sleep. Later dweeb." Gilda waved as she left Bassicus alone to his thoughts.
"Who the hell still uses dweeb? Hipster much Gilda." He shook his head and went back to repairing his HUD. This was gonna be a wild, wild adventure.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Five: Shopping Spree
Chapter Five: Shopping Spree
Proofread by The11thWonder
Bassicus awoke to dubstep coming from the next room. It struck him as odd that a civilization without electrical grids could produce the wubs. After exiting his room he honed in on the source, the fact that his Pip-boy labeled it as a quest and gave him a quest marker helped a bit. After knocking on the offender’s door, he waited. After three minutes of waiting he knocked again, only this time he knocked hard enough to crack the wood.
"Hang on, I'm coming!" A voice yelled from the other side of the door, after the music had been turned off. "What is it dweeb?" Gilda asked as she opened her door, which fell apart after a few seconds. "What did you do to my door!" She yelled at him, causing the six guards hiding in the shadows to jump out and receive a saturnite boot to the head.
"Your music woke me up, either soundproof your room or stop listening to dubstep."
"What's dubstep?" Gilda asked as she scratched her head.
"The music you were listening to."
"That wasn't dubstep, it was basstrot."
"I'm gonna go burn down an orphanage, see ya in a few." Bassicus cheerily waved at her before setting off towards his new quest marker.
"Uh guards, I think you should stop him."
"Pain... Pain... Oh look a bit!" The downed guards writhed, disoriented.
"Fine. I guess I'll have to stop him myself." She huffed as she retrieved her Morningstar. After wandering around the castle awhile she saw Bassicus in the kitchens having a cook off with the chefs. "So you aren't gonna burn down that orphanage I take it?"
"Nah, I already burnt it down." He said whilst pointing out the window at a smoldering pile of ashes.
"Why didn't anyone stop you?" She asked in horror.
"Yeah, like they were really gonna stop the guy scrapping twenty killer robots that happened to burn down the orphanage he was gonna burn down himself." He then proceeded to point to the remains of twenty securitrons.
"What are those?"
"Securitrons, I may have pissed off the courier. I'm still a little confused... Ah fuck." He finally remembered.
"What?"
"I forgot to remove the schematics for my dimensional mover device from the servers at Big MT."
"What's so bad about that?"
"Now the Think Tank has access to multiple dimensions."
"It can't be THAT bad." Gilda said completely dismissing his concerns.
"Yeah, you're right. *Ding* OOH! My muffins are ready!" He said, quickly dashing over to the oven. Somewhere in Ponyville, a blue-gray Pegasus suddenly started nodding in approval, much to the confusion of everypony around her.
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Meanwhile, in another Equestria. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" screamed a pony as countless thousands were fleeing from the ruins of Fillydelphia. The cause of their terror? Cazador Ponies.
"You cannot stop science equines! You can only delay its arrival!" Dr. Klein shouted over the panicking ponies. "Surrender now, so we can further science!"
In a flash of light Princess Celestia appeared, ready to do battle with the monsters attacking her little ponies. She wasn't prepared to see a swarm of mutated ponies chasing after the citizens of Fillydelphia. "What the BUCK is going on here?!" She shouted in the RCV.
"Submit to science!" Dr. Klein called out to Celestia, before zapping her with a stun laser.
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"I don't understand! How can you make such good muffins?" Gilda asked, having a mouth orgasm from the overwhelming flavor of the muffin Bassicus had made.
"If you can make radroach meat taste good, you can make anything taste good."
"You just have to share your secrets with us!" One of the chefs said, looking a little disappointed he'd already finished his muffin.
"I would, but it took me fifty years to perfect a cooking technique for radroach meat."
"Then I shall find one of these radroaches and learn to cook it."
"Fat chance, they only exist in the wasteland."
"I see."
"Also they're like the size of a large cat."
The chef blanched a bit. "This wasteland must have a pretty big pest problem."
"Nah, Deathclaws and Super Mutants keep the bug populations down, except for the giant fire ants."
"Please don't tell me you have griffon sized ants that breathe fire."
"Nope."
"Thank Gryffious."
"They're as long as I am tall."
"I'm just gonna think of you as a badass exterminator." One of the chefs said as he backed away.
"Queens are the size of a garden shed."
"I suddenly have a bug phobia." One of the other chefs said, wandering away aimlessly.
"I suggest you stop traumatizing the chefs, Bassicus." Gilda suggested.
"But I didn't even get to tell them about the Legendary Bloatfly the Courier told me about."
"You didn't fight it?"
"Nope."
"Well, let's get going. Don't want anybody getting any ideas about us."
"Please, I could get anyone I want."
"I doubt that." Gilda replied with a snort.
"I'll have you know I've had sexual intercourse with over two thousand women, and at least eighty percent of it was consensual." He said, slightly increasing how fast he was talking at the end.
"What?" Gilda asked him with a confused look.
"Nothing. Now let's get breakfast." He told her, quickly moving to the door.
"Okay. What a weird guy." She muttered to herself, following Bassicus.
Twelve minutes later they arrived in the Feast Hall. "Ah! I see you are getting to know my daughter Bassicus!" The high King called out from his position at the head of the table.
"If you touch my daughter, I'll geld you with a rusty knife." Gilda’s mother warned.
"I'm pretty sure you would, but I doubt you'd really want to take away my exes revenge from her."
"She sounds like a reasonable woman."
"She slaughtered hundreds of innocents to keep the Mojave under her control."
"... Nevermind then." The High Queen said, trying to forget she complimented a genocidal tyrant.
"It's alright, she's not gonna get anywhere. Unless she manages to finish my designs for a high energy cutting laser." He said, suddenly looking around.
"I'm assuming that's bad?"
"Only if I ever want to have kids. Which I have like fifty of." At that announcement he got a round of raucous cheering from all the male griffons in the room.
"Now that's the way to keep the line going!" One of them chuckled.
"The first forty got eaten by raiders." At that, they all shut up. "But in my defense, they weren't exactly what you'd call 'normal'."
"What do you mean?"
"One of them had scales."
"Ah."
"Yeah, that's what you get for living in an irradiated wasteland... and being brutally experimented on by aliens."
"Everygrif knows aliens don't exist."
"Well duh! These aliens are from my dimension."
"Oh. Right."
"Now then, let’s get some breakfast." He said in a cheery tone, hoping to get the subject off his many, many, many misadventures.
"Ah yes, I think I'll have a well done pony." The High King said.
"Aren't those the natives of that Equestria place I've heard about?"
"Yes. But they taste so delicious."
"Well then, getting off the topic of eating sentient creatures. I'll have a medium rare steak, a large salad, a large glass of wine, another medium rare steak, and some eggs." After all the orders were taken everyone degenerated into small talk.
"So, Bassicus, what's the biggest thing you've killed?" The griffon next to Bassicus asked.
"That would have to be the Titan."
"Wow. You killed a Titan. Impressive."
"Not a Titan, just a monster called Titan."
"Oh, I thought you were one of those legendary Titan slayers I've heard about."
"Still didn't stop it from being the size of a small city. Boy was I glad I pilfered that Pre-War nuclear storage facility."
"What was there?" The griffon asked.
"Just a couple dozen nukes."
"Only a couple dozen? Clearly you were beaten there."
"They're the size of the High King and are powerful enough to destroy everything in a twelve mile radius."
The Griffon sputtered, suddenly feeling inadequate.
"It's only natural when you learn of something designed to destroy cities." Bassicus shrugged.
"I'm Lord Argillos."
"And I'm Bassicus. Pleasure to meet you Lord Argillos."
"The pleasure's all mine. You should come to my estate for dinner sometime; I'd be great for my sons to see a true warrior."
"Sure, I might even have a weapons demonstration for them."
"I'd like that. I'll send my assistant to pick you up tomorrow."
"Sure."
"Hey Bassicus." Gilda chimed in
"Yes Gilda?" He asked, rubbing his temples.
"My dad said you have to guard me when I go shopping today."
"Oh joy. I get to escort a princess around on a shopping spree. What's a shopping spree anyway?" Bassicus asked, only to receive a facepalm from all the men and a gasp from all the women.
Gilda was genuinely shocked. "You don't know what a shopping spree is?"
"You're in for it now." Argillos whispered into his ear.
"It's one of the greatest things ever! You get to travel around the city-" One twenty minute lecture later. "-And that's how Gryphos was made." Gilda concluded.
"I'm holding plasma." Bassicus replied, holding up a ball of plasma in his hand.
"I'm just gonna treat you like Pinkie Pie." Gilda said through her claw, which was strategically placed on her face.
"Who's Pinkie Pie?"
"I'll tell you when you meet her."
"Okay."
"Breakfast is served!" A waiter called out, signaling servants to fade into existence with all the requested meals.
"You wanna know what I just realized?"
"What?" Gilda asked, claw still resting on her face.
"Everyone but me and the High King ordered cereal or oats."
"I guess it's because their appetites aren't as big as ours." The High King laughed.
"Well I don't really need to eat a lot, or at all really. I guess I just do it because I can."
"What do you mean you don't need to eat? Everything needs to eat; it's the natural order of things."
"Well tell that to the Think Tank before they replaced several organs of mine with machine versions, and but a small fission reactor in me."
"So THAT'S why the maids were complaining your toilet was glowing." A griffon in a labcoat said.
"Yep, radioactive pee."
"That must suck. Slowly poisoning yourself every time you piss."
"Nah. I sorta just... stopped being affected by radiation one day. It can even heal me. I'm still trying to pull my head around it, and it happened SEVENTY years ago."
"I MUST study you!" Science Griffon called out, rushing out of the Feast Hall to god knows where.
"So, what's that guy’s name?" Bassicus asked.
"Science Griffon." One of the griffons sitting across the table from him told him.
"Not the weirdest name I've heard." Bassicus said, sticking half a steak in his mouth and chewing.
"What's the weirdest?"
"Gashbrialla, ghang on. *Gulp*. Much better, the weirdest name I've ever heard is Yu."
"Me?"
"No, Yu."
"Yes, me."
"No, no. The name is Yu."
"Oh. I see. That is a weird name."
"I know." Bassicus said, sticking the other half of the steak in his mouth.
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Three hours later Bassicus was repeatedly banging his head on a wall. "Why... Must... I... Be... Forced... To... Endure... This... Torture?" He said, accentuating each word with a hit.
"Oh stop being a baby and check out the outfit I picked for you."
"Please, for the love of God, send an assassin army of killer robots to make this torture stop!" Bassicus said, falling to his knees and praying. The heavens, feeling sorry for Bassicus, but still angry at him for poking fun at gravity, decided to send a just one killer robot assassin.
"I am G-17 Alpha, you will peacefully forfeit your life, or I will kill you."
"THANK YOU!" Bassicus cheered.
"Resistance detected. Terminating!" The Killer Robot Assassin said, revving up its plasma casters.
"Oh, shut up." Bassicus pointedly told the Killer Robot Assassin, pointing his pistol at it and firing ten rounds. Only to be met with ten resounding pings. "Well that's not good." The said, before receiving a
dozen plasma shots to the chest. "That… was less effective than I thought it would be." Bassicus blinked, confused.
"What are you standing around for?! RUN!!" Gilda yelled, before the robot cut her off.
"You are now the prisoner of Queen Chrysalis, ruler of Equus. Come peaceful or be ter-" The robot was cut off, both mid-sentence and at the middle, by Bassicus' Halberd slicing through it like butter.
"Never stop shooting me until you're sure I'm dead." He grunted as he pulled his halberd out of a wall.
"Thanks, you're not such a dweeb after all."
"Sure thing, hipster." Bassicus said, looking around a bit, before torching the outfit Gilda bought for him. "Oh no. The robot destroyed the outfit you picked for me." He lied, terribly.
"Well it's a good thing I bought two." Gilda smiled.
"This happens a lot, doesn't it?" Bassicus deadpanned.
"Noooooooo." Gilda said, dismissing what Bassicus said with a wave of her claw.
"Let's just get on with this." Bassicus sighed. Why does everything not involving combat or navigating dangerous ruins have to be so horrible? He pondered to himself.
"Hey, Bassicus. What do you think of this?" Gilda asked.
"It's great." Bassicus replied, not looking up from where he was watching some Futurama on his Pip-boy.
"You didn't even look." Gilda reprimanded him.
"Fin I'll look. It's gr- DAFUQ?!" he suddenly blurted, seeing Gilda scantily clad in lingerie.
"Told ya so." Gilda responded, smartly.
"Oh I'm so getting you back for this." He warned.
"I doubt it." Gilda laughed, only to freeze when several flashes happened in quick succession. "What was that?" She asked Bassicus.
"Oh, it was nothing." It replied with an innocent look on his face.
"You took picture didn't you? I didn't know you were into griffins." Gilda said with a sly grin.
"Nope, it was that guy over there." He pointed to an inconspicuous cloud.
"Ah crap!" A griffon suddenly shot out of the cloud and into the distance.
"How'd you know he was there?"
"My helmet detects lifeforms in a two hundred metre radius, and gives me a readout on their vitals, injuries and, for some reason, whether or not the detected life form is either in heat, estrus or is ovulating."
"Now why would it do that?" Gilda rhetorically asked.
"I think it's because I let that pervert back in the Capital Wasteland tinker with it." Bassicus answered her.
Gilda wryly grinned, "Sure, whatever you say."
"Ugh, how much longer do I have to do this?" Bassicus groaned.
"Relax, we're only halfway through."
"Hey, look over there!" Bassicus pointed in a random direction and ran off when Gilda took the bait.
"What're you on about? There's nothing... there. Where'd you go?"
Meanwhile, three blocks away at an Ice-cream shop. "I'll have a double vanilla with chocolate shaving and a flake, please."
"That'll be four bits." The shop owner said, not even bothering why there was a strange creature in his shop, he'd learnt not to question these things when the Princesses friend came over for a visit.
"When I find that dweeb, he'll be in so much trouble." Gilda growled.
"Who'll be in trouble?" Bassicus asked, walking up whilst easting an Ice-cream.
"You are- Where'd you get the ice-cream?" She asked once she spotted his ice-cream.
"I got hungry so I distracted you and fled- Er I mean, strategically retreated- to the nearest ice-cream shop."
"I was going to stop by a restaurant in ten minutes." Gilda told him.
"It'd feel too much like a date. And that'd give people ideas." He stated to Gilda.
"True, except you're my bodyguard, so it merely counts as you doing your job."
"…Touché."
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Two hours later, Bassicus was helping carry Gilda’s shopping to her room, much to the confusion of the guards who saw him. "So you can just dump it all on my bed." Gilda told whilst looking in her wardrobe.
"Sure thing." Bassicus said, walking up to the bed. Just as he was dumping the stuff on the bed a guard walked in and had a brain failure at seeing fifty shopping bags suddenly appear on the bed.
"Hello?" Gilda asked as she waved a claw in front of the guard, who’s eyes were blue and had lines of white text scrolling down them.
"HA! He had a blue screen of death." Bassicus laughed, only to suddenly stop and say uh-oh as a Please contact system administrator popped up in his brain.
"What?" Gilda asked, seeing the distant look in Bassicus' eyes. "Oh, I get it. You're fantasizing about me, aren't you?" She asked with a cheeky grin. Around this time the guard’s brain had reset.
"Princess, the High King requests you and Commander Bassicus immediate presence in the throne room." Hearing himself referred to as a commander seemed to snap him out of his brain error.
"What do you mean 'commander'?" Bassicus asked the guard.
"The High King has bestowed upon you the rank of Commander."
"But he said I was just an honorary member of the military."
"He told me to inform you of your promotion when I came to retrieve you and the princess."
"Well I'll come along then, not sure about Gilda though." At his casually saying Gilda’s name without her title in front of it, the guard gasped.
"How dare you refer to Princess Gilda in such a way!" The guard growled.
"Because you really want to fuck with the guy who gets into fist fights with Deathclaws on a daily basis."
"…Nevermind then, I'll let the High King deal with you." After following the guard to the throne room, Bassicus and Gilda entered.
"Ah Gilda, I'm so glad to see you safe, and it's all thanks to you, Bassicus." The High King boomed.
"It was just a robot, nothing I haven't brutally over killed before." Bassicus stated, nonchalantly.
"I see, tell me, why did it say my daughter was a prisoner of Queen Chrysalis?"
"Oh, I was found in a changeling hive after having escaped from a cell."
"Interesting, can you tell me as to how they had a sudden massive technological breakthrough?"
"Something about them reading my mind, which is incredibly hard to do by the way, so kudos to them for getting even the basics for building a giant robot assassin."
"And why would it be hard to read your mind?" The High King asked, interested.
"Because, when I was abducted, one of the experiments they did was digitalizing my entire consciousness, both waking and subconscious, and replaced my natural brain with an entirely mechanical one."
"I see. How much of a weakness does this entail?"
"None, aside from the occasional bout of insanity."
"I see. Well I must still thank you for saving my daughter. As a reward I offer you the finest... Uh actually, I'll just pay you a thousand bits."
"Sweet. Why'd you suddenly change your mind anyway?"
"Because the standard reward for saving my daughter is redundant to you."
"Fair enough, what would you have given me anyway?"
"An enchanted sword of the finest make."
"I'll take the sword."
"Wouldn't you prefer the bits?" The High King asked curiously.
"I'd never turn up the chance to procure a named weapon, they're always better."
"How'd you know it was named?"
"Everything you get from a quest is either money of a named weapon."
"Okay? Well here is your reward. The War Sabre known as Dragons Kin." The High King said whilst presenting Bassicus with a massive sabre.
"Sweet." Bassicus said as the sabre suddenly vanished and a random sound played. "I just leveled up too."
"Leveled up?"
"Just… just leave it dad, I’ve decided to treat him like everygrif treats Pinkie Pie."
"Oh. That bad huh?"
"Yea."
"Who's this damn Pinkie Pie everyone's on about?"
"Never you mind. You may leave now; I'd like to talk to my daughter in private."
"Sure." Bassicus waved goodbye as he exited the throne room.
"So, how'd it go?" The guard asked him.
"I got a sword!" Bassicus announced as he drew Dragons Kin off his belt, after it suddenly appeared of course.
"I see, I'll escort you back to your quarters." the Guard told him.
"Lead the way."
"Yes, sir." The guard saluted before leading Bassicus to his quarters.
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"The machine failed to kidnap the princess, my Queen." The messenger explained.
"I thought you assured me it would succeed?"
"It was assured against anything from Equus, but not anything from another dimension."
"GRAHHHHH!" Chrysalis yelled in fury at the incompetence of her underlings. If you something done, you'll have to do it yourself.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Six: Actual Grass
Chapter Six: Actual Grass
Proofread by The11thWonder
It had been three days since Bassicus' arrival in Gryphos and he had recently discovered a casino, where he boosted his bits from the seven thousand he received, to well over thirty thousand bits and a permanent ban from said casino.
"Okay Bassicus, are you packed for our three day flight to Equestria?" Gilda asked.
"I'm already packed."
"I'm inclined to believe that."
"So when do we leave?"
"Now." Gilda said as she guided Bassicus to the Air-docks.
"I'll never understand how you have advanced technologies like speakers, and yet you haven't developed the internal combustion engine." Bassicus remarked.
"Well griffons have wings, and ponies have pegasi."
"Ah, well I'm just gonna set myself up as a major arms company when I get back to Gryphos."
"Because Princess Celestia is really gonna let the knowledge you contain slip through her hooves."
"She can't keep me there if I don't want to stay." He said as he dodged around a cart loaded with wooden boxes.
"She moves the sun, I'm pretty sure she can hold you against your will."
"I could just, ya know, change back to my own dimension and return with a legion of, like, killer death robots the size of a small house, that are made of lasers."
"Sure you can."
"Whatever. I just hope they have bacon on this airship."
"It's the second biggest airship in the griffon armada, I'm sure it'll have bacon."
"Good, I love bacon." (Authors note: I do not in fact, like bacon.) (Editor’s note: How does one, in fact, not like bacon?)
"Who doesn't?" Gilda responded.
Twenty minutes later and they had boarded the Aquillos and were on their way to the capital of Equestria.
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Ten hours later and Bassicus was fast asleep on his, slightly too small, bed. That is, until he was awoken by a large amount of shaking and the sounds of a sword fight going on up on the deck. After stumbling out of his room and onto the deck he didn't notice the massive fight going on and merely shouted. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!" at a volume that would make even the RCV seem like a whisper in comparison.
Everyone on deck froze at the sight of Bassicus, not because he was wearing his armor, but because he was buck naked with his junk hanging out. "H-how is he still standing?" One of the fighters asked.
"I'm more worried about the fact there's two. Oh wait, I just have half my skull missing*Thump*." Another person said.
"I suddenly feel ashamed." A fighter at the back of the melee said, only to be met with a resounding chorus of agreement.
"Sorry for disturbing you your well hungness." Someone near the front said, before all the attackers left.
"Damn straight." Bassicus agreed before returning to his room and falling back asleep instantly.
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Queen Chrysalis was absolutely speechless, by merely showing up unarmored, the extra-dimensional being had stopped her changelings assault on the airship. It was incomprehensible; clearly males were ill suited to the task at hand and would require the touch of one of her elite guards. This creature was really starting to get on her nerves.
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Bassicus awoke to find himself tied up on deck with the rest of the airhsip’s crew and passengers, still completely naked. "What happened?" He asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and suddenly got smacked with enough force to crack a lesser man’s jaw. "Ow. The hell did you do that for?" He asked the offending party, only to get another blow to the jaw.
"Stop speaking prisoner, we're here for the princess and an unknown being."
"Right, well I'm gonna break free of these bindings and beat you to death."
"Nothing has ever broken out of the custody of Mistress Entrophy."
"Really? Then why am I standing in front of you without any ropes binding me?" He asked as he stood up after ripping apart the ropes keeping him immobilized.
"How did yo-Oooh." The changeling started to question before she fully took in the scene in front of her.
"Oh, this cannot end well." Bassicus thought aloud.
"HAVE MY EGGS!" The changeling yelled before lunging at him and pinning him to the ground.
"Hows about, no?" He said before delivering a knee to the changeling’s stomach, causing her to fly up about ten feet and hit another changeling. Bassicus easily rolled out from under the falling changelings and stood up. "Come at me, bro!" He taunted, getting the attention of all the changelings within' earshot.
"Subdue the prisoner!" One of them ordered, causing all the drones to charge him and stop in their tracks.
"Oh for fucks sake." He groaned, before suddenly being encased in his armor, much to the shock of all the griffons present and the disappointment of all the changelings.
"I SAID SUBDUE THE PRISONER!" Was thundered by a rather large, and clearly female, changeling. This caused all the changelings to snap out of their trance and begin attacking Bassicus, who merely responded by shooting them with his wrist mounted Mini-Gatling Laser.
Seeing Bassicus' continued resistance, the large changeling roared and charged him, only to receive several dozen rapid fire plasma bolts to the face. "How dare you attack me!" The changeling roared before resuming its attack. In response, Bassicus used one of his armors features he didn't tell the High King about, and launched a micromissile at the changeling’s eye, causing her head to explode. At seeing their leaders head explode, the lesser changelings fled.
"Whoa, you have got to make me one of those." Gilda said as she made her way out of a hidden compartment in the airships mast.
"Maybe later, for now I'm gonna make some shoddy turrets to defend this airship so I don't keep getting woken up by attacks from those changelings."
"Okay." The airships captain agreed.
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After two and a half hours of continuous tinkering with random crap laying across the ship, Bassicus had finished building thirteen sentry turrets that fire compressed air. "That should about do it." He said, admiring his handiwork.
"Are you sure those'll work?" The griffon who'd been helping him place them asked.
"Of course, they're like thirty percent duct tape."
"I don't think that means they'll work."
"You dare to question the powers of duct tape?" Bassicus asked; a look of utter shock on his face.
"It can't be all that great; I mean it just helps you stick things together."
"I'll have you know, one of my perks allows me to use duct tape to repair anything." Bassicus told the griffon.
"Then clearly you're merely making it weaker."
"I have a Nokia 3310 I found in an alleyway when I was seven. I can and will use it to its fullest potential."
"I don't know what that is."
"And nor shall you." Bassicus said, before turning on his heel and leaving the griffon alone to ponder what he told it.
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It had been three days since Bassicus had boarded the airship, and he could see Canterlot in the distance. "Who the fuck built a city on the side of a mountain?"
"Two of the most powerful beings in Equus?"
"I'm totally gonna evaluate the cities structural integrity whilst I'm there." Bassicus gleefully rubbed his hands together.
"Oh no you're not!" A voice echoed all around the airship.
"Why not?"
"Because I deem the city worthy of never falling off the mountain."
"Damn spoil sport." He muttered to himself.
"What was all that about?" Gilda asked in confusion as Bassicus talked to a being that used the very air itself to communicate.
"Oh it was just the planet telling me I couldn't go around citing the rulers of Equestria for all the laws of physics they've broken by merely building their damn city."
"You clearly know how to make friends. Equus has only ever spoken to me once and that was when I learnt I was next in line for the throne." Gilda whistled in appreciation.
"It's more like an acquaintance." He clarified.
"I see, oh look! It's Rainbow Dash." Gilda said excitedly, waving to the pegasus in question.
"Rainbow Dash, why does that sound familiar?" He muttered to himself as Rainbow Dash flew up next to the airship.
"Hey Gilda, who's this?" Rainbow asked pointing at Bassicus, who was tapping away at his Pip-boy.
"That's Bassicus, he's a Commander in the Griffon Military."
"That sounds awesome. But I thought they only let griffons in the Gryphos Military?" She asked in confusion.
"My dad made an exception, just for him. Might have something to do with him slaughtering half a hive of changelings supposedly singlehandedly." Gilda told Rainbow, before she heard shouting coming from Ponyville. "What's going on? Pinkie throwing a party or something?"
Rainbow Dash shook her head as she visibly paled. "It's a Diamond Dog attack." She whispered before jetting off to fight the attackers.
"Did I hear the word attack?" Bassicus asked, tuning back in with reality.
"Yeah, we have to help. GUARDS! DEFEND PONYILLE!" She ordered. "You'd better get down there too. Hey! Where'd you go?"
"GERONIMO!!!!" Was heard as she looked over the side of the airship to see Bassicus plummeting towards the ground.
"Oh that's gonna hurt." She cringed as he impacted the ground, causing a sizeable crater.
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Bassicus had just jumped over the side of the airship when he felt a sudden urge to shout. "GERONIMO!!!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, a matter of seconds before he smashed into the ground at terminal velocity. "Now where, oh where are those Diamond Dog invaders?" He wondered aloud, scouting the area around him. He then noticed a group of bipedal creatures dragging a group of ponies towards a hole in the ground. "Not on my watch." He said as he drew his rifle from it'\s position on his back and taking aim at the lead Diamond Dog. A moderately loud zapping sound was heard the moment he pulled the trigger.
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Roseluck was having the worst day imaginable, first she was robbed, then she was evicted because she failed to pay her rent, and now she was being foalnapped by Diamond Dogs. Things just could not get worse, she thought. As if Celestia had other plans, she heard a strange noise, before the lead Diamond Dogs upper body decided now was the perfect time to turn into a red mist. Only that wasn't the case, Roseluck spotted a strange metallic being with a long tube with a rectangular box in the top and it was aiming it at the Diamond dog holding her.
The Creature did something and the end of the tube flashed blue before she heard that strange noise again, and she was showered in Diamond dog. After getting over the initial gagging fit, Roseluck noticed the creature charging towards Ponyville, dispatching any and all Diamond Dogs it encountered along the way, being followed by no less than twenty griffon soldiers. Perhaps things were beginning to go her way again. As she was about to head back to Ponyville, a hole opened up underneath her and a Diamond Dog grabbed her hind legs and pulled her in. Spoke too soon she thought as she took her last glimpses of sunlight.
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After killing two dozen Diamond dogs, Bassicus decided to check the misc. section of his Pip-boy, to find that it was counting how many Diamond Dogs he killed. He had to hand it to himself, when asked to build a device that can do anything short of granting immortality, he and the team of twenty others he was working with really could deliver.
As he was remarking on just how awesome Pip-boys were, a Diamond Dog tried to sneak up on him, tried being because as he was about to hit Bassicus with his club, he suddenly turned around and collapsed it's face with a singular punch. "Hehe, stupid monster." He chuckled as he continued to move towards Ponyville, dispatching any Diamond Dogs he came across, as well as the odd changeling disguised as a pony.
Upon entering Ponyville proper, he saw utter chaos. Buildings were on fire, Diamond Dogs and ponies were lying dead or dying in the streets, Diamond Dogs were chasing down fleeing ponies, and in the midst of it all, a lone purple unicorn was fighting off twenty Diamond Dogs by itself. Being the gentleman he is, Bassicus teleported over to the unicorn before grabbing his halberd and swinging it around himself, slicing a few diamond dogs in all in the process, before bringing it to bear in front of him.
"Thought you could use some help." He told the unicorn, who merely replied as she began to prepare an offensive spell to use against her foes. One of the Diamond Dogs suddenly leapt towards the unicorn, interrupting her concentration, and swung at it. Only for its blade to be intercepted by another. "Now just what do you think you're doing?" He asked as he flicked his wrist, disarming he unprepared Diamond Dog.
"Strange metal creature no mess with Diamond Dogs. Diamond Dogs problem with ponies, not metal men." The Diamond Dog growled at him.
"Well I can't exactly sit around with my thumb up my ass while innocents are being enslaved, now, can I?" He asked the Diamond Dog, which merely growled before trying to slash at him with its claws, only to have half its arm vertically sliced in two. The Diamond Dog fell to the ground howling in pain as the top half of its arm landed beside it. Howling in anger, the rest of the Diamond Dogs charged, only to each be struck by a beam of purple energy. "Where'd you get an energy weapon from?" He asked the unicorn, only to see it shoot a beam of purple energy from its horn at a charging diamond dog. "Oh."
"Are you just going to stand there or-" Twilight began to say as she turned to look at her saviour, only to see a towering bipedal monstrosity. "-Help." She whimpered.
"I guess I'll help, Gilda would probably get pissed at me for letting this place get destroyed, not sure why though."
"You know Princess Gilda?!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Yes, she's on that airship up there." He pointed towards the airship in question.
"Okay, then go help Applejack fight the Diamond Dogs in the eastern side of town." Twilight said, but before she could point to where Applejack was, he had already run off... in exactly to the right direction. "How did he? No, I'm gonna figure it out later." She told herself as she shot at a group of Diamond Dogs carryings away a pair of fillies.
After moving to his quest marker Bassicus found Applejack, heavily wounded and extremely fatigued. "Need any help?" He asked her, only to receive a solid buck to the chest, which caused her to fly forwards. "I'll take that as a yes." He said as he good out a couple Stimpacks and some Jet. "Now hold still, this might sting a bit." Before she could protest, Bassicus swiftly injected her with the Stimpacks and the Jet.
"Now what in tarnations did ya do that fer!" She shouted at him, after jumping to her hooves.
"Well besides healing your injuries, I also gave you a boost of energy."
"What're you talking about?" She angrily asked.
"I used a couple Stimpacks to heal your injuries and I then injected you with some Jet to give you enough energy to finish the fight."
"Oh, sorry fer attacking you, you monster!" She screamed as she finally took in Bassicus' form, before bucking him in the chest, and receiving the same result as last time. "How tha hay aren't you hurt?" She yelled.
"Well, for one, I'm wearing Power Armor, two, It weighs three hundred pounds, and three, I'm almost impossible to kill." He counted off.
"Well, Ah'm sorry fer overreacting to ya. How's about ah Bake ya an apple pie as an apology once this is over?"
"I haven't had apple pie since apple trees died out in the mid 2060's."
"Whoa, How can somepony live without apples?" She gaped, no apples? What a terrible place this creature must be from.
"There were still dandy boy apples, but they didn't taste the same. There were rumors about farmers who still had apple trees, but had moved to undisclosed locations."
"Well, Ah'll make you a massive apple based meal once this is over." Applejack said, before bucking a Diamond Dog in the chest, causing it to fly into a fruit stand on the other side of the street.
"Impressive, but I bet you can't beat this." Bassicus challenged as he grabbed the arm of a charging Diamond Dog, before judo throwing it into a building, two blocks away.
"Whoa nelly, ya'll are strong." Applejack commented, as a section of wall collapsed on the Diamond Dog.
"I know, but it's mostly the armor." He dismissed as he shot six plasma bolts at a group of Diamond Dogs dragging away a disguised changeling, which he also hit, causing them to scamper away.
"That there's some fancy magic." Applejack remarked.
"That wasn't magic, it was merely the Mini-Plasma Casters I attached to my wrists, and I knew that that pony was a changeling because my helmet told me so."
"Ah see, yer one'a them scientist fellas Twi's always on about." Applejack concluded.
"More or less, though I'm also a ruggedly good looking badass."
"Okay? Ah think we'd better get back ta stopping these Diamond Dogs."
"Okay then." Bassicus agreed, before suddenly unleashing an impossibly well aimed volley of plasma and lasers at a charging horde of Diamond Dogs.
"Whoa nelly! That there was some fancy shooting."
"Why thank ya kindly. Ah crap! I'm developing your accent." Bassicus raged at himself, unleashing another volley at a second group of Diamond Dogs.
"Ah think they aren't gonna come back ta this part a town, ever." Applejack remarked, looking at all the piles of ash and puddles of goo laying around the street.
"Probably, know of anyone else that needs my help?"
"Rares and Pinkie are holdin' the roads outta Ponyville."
"Cheers." He thanked her, before activating the pistons on his boots and sprinting off towards Rarity and Pinkie Pie, leaving another confused pony in his wake. After expertly tripping over a burning stall, Bassicus arrived at Rarity and Pinkie's location. "Need any help?" As he thundered to a halt, only to receive a direct hit from a pie.
"Take that you meanie Diamond Dog!" Pinkie jeered at Bassicus.
"Well I was here to help you, but if you're gonna treat me like that; I might not help you after all. The hell's up with her?" He asked, pointing to Pinkie as she suddenly twitched randomly.
"Pinkie Sense." Rarity explained. "What's this one say Pinkie?"
"It means that Bassicus is contextually important to us beating the Diamond Dogs."
"I see. WAIT! How did you know my name?!" Bassicus slowly caught up.
"I know everypony’s name, silly!" Pinkie cheered.
"But I'm not a pony... Look over there!"
"Huh?" Both Pinkie and Rarity looked at where he pointed and saw nothing. When they looked back they saw Bassicus had decimated all the Diamond Dogs in the area. "Wow, how'd you do that?" Pinkie asked in awe.
"VATS, It's a marvel of Vault-Tec engineering."
"How can something so horrid possibly be so useful?" Rarity asked, aghast at the Pip-boy on Bassicus' wrist.
"That's not my Pip-boy, that's just a heat sink." Bassicus clarified.
"Oh, well it still looks horrid." Rarity amended.
"Here's my Pip-boy." He said whilst removing his Pip-boy 25000 and tossing it to Rarity.
"Wow, is that an actual diamond?" Rarity inspected.
"No, that would be a diamond, I seem to have misplaced my Pip-boy."
"What's this button do?" Pinkie asked, before pressing a button on what she was holding, causing Bassicus' armor to vanish.
"I'll take that." Bassicus snatched the Pip-boy away from Pinkie, who gave a disappointed pout, and reequipped his armor. "I'm just gonna return this to my Power Armor's interface slot."
"I what Twilight would say if she heard about this Pip-boy you have."
"I think we should ask her now." Pinkie interjected.
"But she's by the library Pinkie, darling." Rarity pointed out.
"No she isn't. She's right over there!" Pinkie said, zooming over to Twilight and giving her an oxygen-proof hug.
"Can't... breathe... Pinkie." Twilight gasped as she slowly turned pink.
"Oh, sorry Twilight! Have you met Bassicus yet?” *Smack* Pinkie asked, as Bassicus facepalmed.
"Why'd you hit yourself?" Twilight asked in confusion, before taking in the sight of Bassicus.
*Smack* “How could you forget something you saw less than twenty minutes ago?" He deadpanned.
"Ehehe, sorry. It's just I've never seen a creature like you before. Where are you from?" She politely asked.
"Another dimension."
"You must've somehow been transported here by some weird form of magic and want to get back home!" Twilight deduced.
"Fuck that, I'm staying here. Of course I might stop by my home every now and again to pick up vital supplies until I can get set up here."
"Why wouldn't you want to go home?" Twilight asked, horrified that this creature didn't want to return home.
"Because, it's a fucking hellhole."
"What do you mean?"
"It's full of radiation, giant bloodthirsty monsters, the occasional house sized bug, evil government organizations, tech hoarding paramilitary groups, and countless thousands of raiders."
"That sounds horrible." The ponies present all shuddered at the thought of living in such a terrible place.
"I know, that's why I build a device to allow me to change dimensions."
"Wow, Can I see it?" Twilight begged, very nearly squeeing."*Squee*" Never mind.
"No."
"Awwww." Twilight pouted, throwing in some puppy eyes for good measure.
"It's not gonna work." Bassicus told her, only for the very air itself to be hit by a wave of cuteness as both Rarity and Pinkie Pie joined her. "Too. Much. Cute!" He gasped, clutching where his heart would be, if he still had one. "Oh wait, I don't have a heart. Not gonna work. Why's the white one unconscious?" He asked as Rarity fainted.
"How can't you have a heart?"
"Aliens."
"That doesn't make sense!"
"Damn straight."
"We're here to help... protect... the town. What happened here?" A griffon soldier asked as the group sent from the airship finally arrived.
"I killed the majority of them, I'm sorta surprised you guys took this long to arrive."
"We got caught up rescuing a group of ponies being dragged towards the Everfree."
"Diamond Dogs don't live in the Everfree." Twilight said.
"Well, clearly they're part of a larger organization." Bassicus decided.
"And what makes you say that?"
"They're taking prisoners somewhere that ISN'T their territory. Clearly they've been conscripted into a larger organization hell bent on kidnapping ponies." He clarified.
"And how'd ya think'a this?" Applejack asked, suspiciously.
"Because it happened to me whilst exploring New Mexico, of course that time it was plant people joining forces with mutated trees."
"Whoa, nelly."
"Yeah." Bassicus agreed, before shooting Applejack in the face with his pistol.
"WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!" Twilight and Rarity screamed at the same time, then it changed to a scream of horror when they saw a changeling lying where their friend should've been.
"How'd you know?" Twilight whispered.
"He told me that his fancy helmet could tell whether a pony's a pony or a changeling." Applejack explained, walking up to the group from Ponyville.
"Applejack! You're okay!" Rarity called out, rushing up and giving Applejack a hug.
"What'd Ah miss?" Applejack confusedly asked.
"Oh I just killed a changeling impersonating you, nothing much."
"Ya killed it?!" Applejack asked, looking a little pale.
"What did you think all those piles of ash and green goo were?"
"Ah think Ah'm gonna be sick." Applejack said before running towards the nearest bush, and being exactly what she said she would.
"How could you so casually kill something?!" Twilight shouted at Bassicus.
"When you've been alive as long as I have, in a place like I lived in, killing becomes one of the easiest things you can do."
"But, but HOW can you so easily do it?"
"Guns."
"Guns?" Twilight asked, still a little queasy from Bassicus' revelation.
"Yeah, a marvel of technological engineering, I plan on mass producing them when I get back to Gryphos."
"Why would you do that? Creating something solely used for evil?"
"Be quiet, many of the things I've killed were as far from innocent as you are from getting laid."
"HEY!" Twilight yelled at Bassicus, blushing slightly at his statement, which caused the others to chuckle slightly. Or in Rarities case, a lady-like laugh.
"Well it's true, guys never go for the nerdy shut in."
"Who said she was interested in stallions?" Rarity asked.
"Because I've meet my fair share of lesbians, and I've developed a ninth sense for picking up on them."
"Don't you mean sixth sense, darling?" Rarity asked, politely.
"Nah, my sixth sense allows me to have perfect aim, my seventh sense allows me to avoid traps, and my eighth sense allows me detect if a persons into me, or in the case of Applejack, a pony."
"Ah'm not interested in a murderer like you!" Applejack called from the bushes.
"I see, well I'm off to the... IS THIS ACTUAL GRASS?!" He suddenly shouted.
"Uh, yes?"
"SWEET JESUS! I haven't seen real grass since it died-out two centuries ago."
"Wait, your species is immortal?"
"Only the ones the aliens didn't turn into abominations."
"Okay, I'm just gonna go organize the clean-up of the town." Twilight said slowly backing away.
"Well, I'm gonna go back to the airship. I'll probably see you on the return trip from Canterlot." He waved, before teleporting back to the Aquillos.
"Hey, did I miss Bassicus?" Rainbow Dash asked, running up to the group, only for her entire front half to turn into a fine red mist and a massive trench to be dug next to her.
"AAAAAAHHHH!" Rarity screamed, running towards Ponyville, completely ignoring the fact that it was a changeling imponynating her.
Back on the airship, Bassicus was telling the griffons onboard all about what he did. Permanently scaring some of the naive or innocent ones. Man was that a fun little stop.
View Online
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Seven: Can't Be Assed Coming Up With A Name
Chapter Seven: Can't Be Assed
Bassicus was standing in the middle of a field littered with bodies and running with rivers of blood. "This is what your actions have wrought." A voice echoed around him.
"If you're trying to get me to break down and become an empty vessel, don't bother. I give about as many fucks about these people I've killed as you do about my feelings."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." The voice echoed again, sounding surprised at Bassicus' response.
"I came to terms with what I am a long time ago, right after the raider incident."
"Well, since you won't simply lie down and take your possession like a stallion, I guess I'll have to do things the hard way." At this statement, the scene changed to a grassy field with a massive fortress in the center, surrounded by millions of unholy abominations. "I shall be making a direct assault on your mind now."
"I wonder how long this is gonna last." Bassicus thought aloud as he wondered towards the fortress.
"Mere seconds." The voice said, as all the abominations suddenly charged the fortress, only to be hit by orbital weapons.
"Huh, I guess that the giant lasers represent the firewalls in my brain."
"Grrrr! I shall show you true power!" The voice screamed. A sudden blanket of darkness enveloped the fortress, causing its outer walls to start crumbling and drawing the attention of the lasers.
"I really should start fighting back, and not let alien firewalls protect me." He surmised, right before the shadow was obliterated by a wave of plasma and lasers.
"Ho-how could you defeat me so easily?" The voice gasped.
"Evil begets evil." He said, pulling the trigger on an ethereal handgun, causing the dream to implode upon itself.
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"Ahh! What a relaxing sleep." Bassicus said aloud, stretching in such a way that all his bones popped at the same time.
"Oh Gryffius that's disgusting." A griffon in the bed next to his shuddered.
"Oh shove it, I can have a morning stretch if I want to." Bassicus harrumphed.
"Did, did you just harrumph?" The griffon asked.
"... No." Bassicus shiftily replied.
"If you say so." The griffon said before trying, and failing, to get back to sleep.
"WAKE UP WORMS!!" The captain bellowed, instantly waking up anyone who had been asleep, not that any were with Bassicus' morning stretch.
"Mornin', Cap." Bassicus greeted as he stood up.
"For the love of Gryffius, put some clothes on." The captain said, averting his eyes from Bassicus.
"Not my fault sleeping in the nude is more comfortable than in a hulking suit of armor."
"The least you could do is keep the damn underwear on."
"What's underwear?" Bassicus queried, genuinely unsure of what 'underwear' was.
"You don't know what underwear is? I'm a griffon and even I know what pants are." The captain replied with a faceclaw.
"Meh." Bassicus shrugged as he was suddenly encased in armor.
"You have to teach me how you do that." The captain asked.
"It's a dimensional thingy. I also appear to have forgotten your name."
"That's because I haven't told you yet." The captain smirked. "I'm Captain Andromeda, and you're Commander Bassicus I take it?"
"Yep. Drop the Commander part though."
"But it's your rank in the military. You have more command over my men than I do!"
"So? I don't care, never gonna do much else other than lone wolf it in battles."
"Ah, well go get breakfast whilst I run these worms through their morning training regime, sir." Andromeda saluted.
"Drop the sir and the salute, and I'll see you there." He waved as he left for the mess hall.
"Hi Bassicus." Gilda called over to him from a raised platform on the far side of the room. Waving Bassicus move over to greet her but he was suddenly stopped by some guards.
"Nogrif gets near the princess." One of them warned.
"Yeah, I'm apparently a commander. Soooooo..." He said, leaving it open at the end.
"Nogrif." The guard coldly replied.
"Well then I can go near her!" Bassicus jubilantly cheered, completely confusing the guards.
"But I sa-" He guard was cut off mid-sentence.
"Nogrif, correct. But I am not a griffon and that term is used for griffons, therefore, by your logic, I can go near the princess."
"... Way to exploit a loophole, sir." The guard ceded, stepping aside to allow Bassicus to sit next to Gilda.
"How'd you do that?" Gilda asked.
"I merely used my two hundred speech skill against him."
"Okay? I don't know what that is, but I'm gonna trust you on it."
"As you should. I might get you a Pip-boy one day." He said out of the blue.
"Why?"
"Because, I can. So what's on the menu?"
"Meat, cereal or oats." Gilda shivered as she said the last part.
"I'll have some cereal. Hmm, Cheerios. Interesting. I think I'll have a bowl of those." He told a waiter, who immediately sped off towards the kitchen, not wanting to annoy the princess’ friend. He returned a few minutes later with the requested meal.
"Hmm, I find these to taste a lot better than Sugar Bombs, but maybe that's because it isn't two hundred years old." Bassicus reviewed the cereal.
"Wow, how haven't you died of food poisoning?" Gilda rhetorically asked.
"I'm immune to poison." He stated.
"That, that's not what I mean." Gilda faceclawed.
"You said food poisoning, and I can't get poisoned, therefore I can't get food poisoning."
"Why did I even ask?" She groaned.
"Because you forgot I'm so damn sexy?" He asked, only to receive a fork to the arm. "Didn't work." He laughed.
"Of course sticking a fork in your arm wouldn't work." She sighed, leaving the fork in his arm.
After a few minutes of Gilda repeatedly stabbing Bassicus in the arm, a general cry was heard throughout the airship. "Now docking at the Canterlot airdocks!"
"Well that's our cue." Bassicus said, deftly removing the silverware from his arm.
Ten minutes later on the deck Gilda, Bassicus, and Commander Andromeda were waiting for the gangplank to be lowered so they could disembark. "You know. It would've been smarter if they lowered the gangplank when we docked." Bassicus pointed out.
"Damn you and your valid points." Andromeda grumbled.
"I take it you guys don't really see much fighting?"
"We do, it's the docking part we generally have a problem with."
"Huh. You seriously need help."
"I could have you court marshaled for that." Andromeda intoned.
"And I'm carrying a dozen fusion cores, each containing enough energy to level half of Gryphos."
"Why?"
"It's a lot easier than trying to lug a three hundred pound suit of armor across a desert."
"Fair enough. Wait, what do these fusion cores have to do with your armor?"
"I use them to power it, fission batteries only last a month. Needed something better. So I researched into fusion reactions and invented the fusion core. As well as developed a method for cold fusion."
"Just what DO you do in your spare time?" Andromeda asked, ignorant of just what an unoccupied Bassicus can achieve.
"Science, mass raider hunts, and the occasional scavenging excursion."
"I see. That's not a lot of things."
"Well it's something. You see how well you can handle boredom after two hundred years."
"I'd rather not."
"Exactly."
After the gangplank was laid down the trio disembarked from the airship, only to be met with thirty royal guardsponies. "By order of Princess Celestia, we are to detain the strange creature... Where'd it go?" The guard asked as Bassicus just simply wasn't there anymore.
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Meanwhile, in a free fall twelve thousand feet about the wasteland. "Really should've thought this out more." Bassicus sighed, readying his armors jump assist thrusters to slow his fall. Ten seconds later Bassicus impacted the ground, causing the newly established raider fortress to crumble to pieces and squash the raiders dwelling within.
"I wonder if I should go get my Juggernaut War Suit." Bassicus pondered as he brought up the map on his Pip-boy before fast travelling to his secret mega fortress. Three days later Bassicus arrived as his destination. Only just then realizing he had teleporters in his armor. "God I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes." He muttered through his hand.
"Halt! Who goes there?" Someone called out to him.
"You really can't remember what the guy who built this place looks like?" He questioned.
"He disappeared twenty years ago." The person pointed out.
"Well it's good to know the Courier gave up on trying to kill me." He mused.
"No. She's amassing a vast army to hunt you down and brutally murder you."
"Ah. Well just let me in so I can get some of my stuff."
"Your stuff? Everything that once belonged to this place’s creator now belongs to the High Lord."
"Son of a bitch. Don't tell me that cult started up again?"
"What cult? The Church of Bassicus is a very influential religion."
"Just let me in."
"Why should I?"
"Because I really can't be assed using my security codes to override the doors."
"Oh, then come right in mister..."
"Bassicus."
"Oh sweet mercy. OUR SAVIOUR HAS RETURNED!" The guard suddenly cried out in joy, completely unaware of the reality warping facepalm Bassicus had just pulled off.
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Back in Equestria, everyone and everything felt the sudden and irrepressible urge to facepalm/claw/hoof. "What the hay was the cause of that?" Rainbow Dash asked after she suddenly facehoofed whilst in the middle of training.
"Ah don't know sugar cube. We'd better go ask Pinkie." Applejack told Rainbow, already trotting off towards sugarcube corner.
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"Thanks for returning my stuff, Barry." Bassicus thanked the High Lord.
"Oh don't mention it, and I'll try to keep these idiots in check whilst you're gone."
"It's okay, so long as they don't try to sacrifice anything to me, start bloody crusades in my name, outlaw education, or touch the vault."
"The vault? What's in there?"
"Only the most powerful weapons I have come across, and a Nokia 3310 I found a while back."
"Nokia 3310?"
"A strange device that appears to be impervious to any and all forms of damage and can sheer through Saturnite if shot from a Rokkit-Launcher."
"Wow."
"It can also send texts, whatever the hell those are."
"It's truly a marvel of Pre-War engineering." High Lord Barry said in awe.
"I don't actually think it's from this dimension."
"I see. I shall see you later then."
"Indeed." Bassicus said before fading out of existence.
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Bassicus faded back into reality right as the guards had reached the halfway mark on the pier. Hearing the startled gasp from Andromeda they turned around, only to be confronted by a seven foot three inches tall metal something.
"Uh, um... uh... Shit?" Was all the lieutenant could say in his shock.
"This is just in case Princess Celestia turns out to be a tyrant." Bassicus explained.
"B-but the princess isn't a tyrant!" One of the guards confirmed.
"What's with all the stuttering?" He asked, a bit annoyed at the ponies stuttering.
"S-sorry. *Ahem* Sorry. It's just you're a massive metal giant, and you scare us."
"Then the armor’s design is working." Bassicus beamed.
"Really?"
"Of course not you idiot, I just threw shit together to see what I got. It's one of the basic fundamentals of science."
"Oh, okay." The guardspony said, doing an admirable impression of Fluttershy.
"So your princess wanted to see me?" Bassicus asked, removing his helmet so as to not terrify any ponies he saw along the way.
"Yes, right this way." The lieutenant gestured with his forehoof.
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Ten minutes of arduously walking through cramped back alleys was really starting to annoy Bassicus. "Why the fuck are we taking these alleyways, exactly?" He asked as another pigeon crapped on his shoulder, only to receive a plasma bolt as a reward.
"Because the princess doesn't want your presence known to the general public." One of the guards explained, as if it was common knowledge.
"I see. Do these places actually ever get cleaned?" He asked, narrowly avoiding a pile of, something.
"No, this is where all the refuse from the streets is dumped. Keeps canterlot looking beautiful."
"I actually think this smells worse than that corpse chute I accidentally fell down sixty years ago." He said, putting on his helmet to stop himself from losing his sense of smell.
"How do you accidentally fall down a corpse chute?" Another one of the guards asked.
"By leaning on a non-descript wall, that happens to have part of a corpse chute running behind it, and said wall being weakened by one and a half centuries of decay and radiation."
"Oh, you fell through the wall." One of the guards nodded in understanding.
"Nope. Accidentally pressed a button that opened a trapdoor beneath me to the corpse chute on the other side of the room."
"Why would somepony need two corpse chutes?" The lieutenant asked, completely unfazed by the dark direction the conversation was going.
"Two different buildings, I was merely in an alleyway between the two."
"You must have horrible luck." the only earthpony guard said, shuddering slightly at the unholy level of bad luck somepony would need to have something like that happen to them.
"I'm luckier than I used to be." Bassicus replied in a cheerful mood. "So, how long ‘til we get there?"
"We're here." The lieutenant said, stopping in front of a non-descript wall.
"This better not be an elaborate set-up for a gang-bang." Bassicus warned.
"Why'd you have to put that image in my head?" One of the guards said, dry retching at the thought of what this creature looked like beneath its armor.
"So, should we continue with going to my 'meeting' with the princess, or can I leave ad go meet up with Gilda and Captain Andromeda?"
"Oh right." The lieutenant said before tapping the wall twice, causing it to shimmer and disappear.
"Why can't I ever get one of those?" Bassicus asked, jealously.
"Because your kind doesn't have unicorns?" One of the guards supplied.
"True, but I've met some magic users in my world, the Grand Magical Rock was one of them." At this, the guards usually stoic, though they had only regained it from their shock at seeing Bassicus, slipped as they started laughing at Bassicus.
"Oh that's a good one." The lieutenant hollered, only to be interrupted by a lightning strike right in front of him.
"Silence fool! I am the Grand Magical Rock! You will heed my warning, or suffer the consequences! Be nice to Bassicus, and for the love of everything good, don't mention... Dwarves." A strange voice said, seemingly originating from a floating rock.
"Dwarves?" One of the guards asked, only for the rock to disappear and Bassicus to get a strange look in his eyes. "Oh I have messed up." He whimpered.
"Let me tell you all about dwarves my good sir!" Bassicus exclaimed in an unholy cheerful tune. "You see dwarves originated from-" Bassicus began as everypony else tuned him out.
"Follow me." The Lieutenant said after walking through the opening.
Three minutes later and the group were standing in the royal barracks, along with a recently brain-dead pony. Taking a break from slowly killing the children of the pony he was talking to, Bassicus looked around him. Bare rock, beds made of straw, no windows, oppressive cloud of black smoke in the air, and braziers to provide light. This was where a tyrant made their soldiers sleep alright.
"I thought you said Princess Celestia wasn't a tyrant." Bassicus addressed the pony next to him.
"She isn't." He confirmed.
"Then why does she make you stay here?"
The pony was about to answer before he paused, visibly mulling the question over in his head. Just as he was about to speak, however, he vanished in a golden flash of light. "Well he's probably in some rape dungeon deep within' the castle." Bassicus concluded.
"What is it with you?" The lieutenant asked.
"I spent too much time with the Lone Wanderer." He admitted.
"The who? You know what? Forget it, the princess is this way." He said, motioning for Bassicus to follow him.
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"Ah, greetings Bassicus." Princess Celestia greeted Bassicus as he entered her private study.
"And a greetings to you too princess Celestia, now could you stop trying to read my thoughts?" He asked, feeling the unfamiliar presence in his mind retreat.
"Not many can detect my presence. You must be an exceptionally powerful wizard if you could discover me." Celestia remarked.
"I can't use magic." Bassicus said, taking look in the barely contained look of shock on Celestia’s face.
"But then how do you teleport and shoot beams of energy from your wrists?" She asked, smugly thinking she had him caught.
"Science." Or so she thought.
"Are you going to elaborate further?" She asked him, slowly forcing her will onto his mind to make him tell her.
"No, and stop trying to mentally manipulate me. I've already had it happen twice, not gonna let it happen a third time." He told her, kicking her out of his find and giving her a 'gift' as she was removed. A look of pure disgust suddenly plastered itself on Celestia’s face as she looked at Bassicus' gift.
"What sort of creature could stomach something so evil?!" Celestia nearly shrieked, managing to control her voice before she spoke.
"It's just porn. Jeeze, you make it sound like you've outlawed porn... you've outlawed porn haven't you?"
"Porn is an evil demon that had to be purged in order for society to progress further."
"*cough*Tyrant*cough*." Bassicus had a small coughing fit.
Celestia frowned, clearly this creature wouldn't submit to her will, and would thusly need to be destroyed. Enveloping Bassicus in an aura of magic, Celestia attempted to levitate him towards her, only for him to not move an inch. "How are you defeating my magic?" She asked, baffled as to how this creature was resisting her magic.
"Residual radiation from changing dimensions? I don't know, what am I a scientist... oh wait." Bassicus sarcasmed, only to realize he really was a scientist.
"Hmm, lieutenant. Fetch me the ten strongest earth ponies in the guard and send them in with chains to help move the prisoner to the dungeons."
"As you request my princess." The lieutenant saluted, in a way that resembled the nazi salute, and galloped out of the room to do as he was tasked.
"You shall submit yourself or be destroyed." Celestia said, putting as much hate and malice in her voice as possible.
"Or, I could leave and rally an army against you, then return and overthrow your tyrannical ass." Bassicus explained, reaching behind himself.
"Oh you foalish mortal, I'm a god, you can over throw me as much as an ant can stop me from crushing it under my hoof." Celestia giggled slightly, demonstrating just how far gone from sense she was.
"So I can easily over throw you?" Bassicus asked, not realizing that ants weren't the size of a small adult here.
"No. I'm saying you can't."
"But, I tried squashing an ant once, it took three hours for me to dislodge my foot from its mouth."
"How big are ants where you come from?" Celestia asked, completely confused how something the she was honestly curious about.
"About the size of the that guard who just left, on average." Celestia pondered this revelation, what if she could exploit these giant ants to cement her rule even further? 'Oooh, Celestia's childhood memories, don't mind if I just copy and paste you over to my brain. ' Celstia heard in her mind.
"[it]Who are you?[/it]" Celestia asked internally.
"Ah shit. I said-thought that didn't I?" Bassicus asked aloud.
"How could something as primitive as you POSSIBLY invade my mind, and without me even knowing about it?" She growled.
"Alien science." Celestia just facehoofed. 'And I'll take you, and you and you... I'm speak thinking again aren't I? ' Bassicus said in her mind
'Yes, and if you enter my mind again, I'll make sure to incinerate your very soul. ' Celestia internally threatened.
"Fine, I mean I already got everything."
"Princess! I've arrived with the guards you requested!" The lieutenant burst into the room.
"Good, chain up the prisoner and take him to the execution chamber."
"As you wish, your majesty. Where'd it go?" The guard asked, completely ignoring the sizeable hole melted in the walls leading into the royal gardens.
"After it you foals!" Celestia commanded, she could not let something like that... THING loose in her domain.
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"Hmm, where should I go from here?" Bassicus asked nothing in particular as he stood at a four-way intersection.
"What manner of creature art thou?" A young sounding voice asked from behind him. Spinning around, Bassicus came face-to-waist with an alicorn that was only half his height.
"I'm a human, and the ruler of this country is a massive tyrant that I'm going to depose."
"Oh, can you take me with you?" The alicorn asked.
"And why would I do that, for all I know you could relay my position to her and she could come and attempt to kill me." He told her.
"But, she locked me away on the moon for a thousand years, all because I tried to rid her of a curse laid upon her by King Sombra."
"Who?"
"Her ex-lover. After she dumped him he went insane and enslaved his empire, then cursed everything he could see before vanishing into the frozen wastes, never to be seen again." The alicorn explained.
"Well in that case, you can join me in my terrorist plots against Princess Celestia..."
"Luna, Princess Luna."
"Very well Luna, grab onto my hand, and together we shall bring a moderate level of peace to this world." He said, reaching his hand out towards Luna, who took it, and activating his suits long range teleporters. Mere seconds later Celestia and about two hundred royal guards flooded into the gardens.
"DAMN! It had escaped, and it has also ponynapped Princess Luna. Track its teleportation spell and follow it!" Celestia commanded. Today was just not her day.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Eight: Unfair Odds
Chapter Eight: Unfair odds.
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"Well... this sucks." Bassicus vocalized the duos thoughts.
"How did you teleport us into an Ursa Majors lung?" Luna asked with increduality.
"Easy mistake."
"There's nothing easy about it!" Luna shouted, covering her mouth with boths hooves as the sleeping ursa.
"Well look at it like this. At least you're not a total bitch."
"As soon as we get out of there I'm throwing you into low orbit." Luna growled.
"Easy now, wouldn't want to give the big guy a case of black lung." Bassicus chuckled, mainly because he was loading an ultra-charge canister into his Mini-Gatling Laser. "Better hold your tits!" He called out, taking aim and waiting.
"Hold my whats?! AHHHHH!!" Luna screamed as her world became an all consuming white light.
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Bob the Ursa was having a field day, first he'd feasted on a den of manticores, then he'd trashed some strange ponies hut in the everfree, and now he was terrorizing a small town outside the forest. Life couldn't be sweeter.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" A pony screamed as the entire town ran around in a blind panic as he destroyed buildings. Just as he was about to stomp on a unicorn filly with a blond mane and gray coat, he felt an intense burning pain in his chest, which promptly disintegrated and bled a beam of pure white light.
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"And that's how you break yourself out of a giant monsters lung!" Bassicus cheered, completely oblivious to the scathing look Luna was giving him.
"You're lucky that we were in the middle of the everfree, you idiot!" Luna yelled at him.
"Oh shit." Bassicus said, completely ignoring Luna.
"What did you do now?" She asked, facehoofing.
"Uh... you know how you said it was asleep?" He asked without turning back.
"Yes?" Luna half confirmed half asked him, a look of confusion on her face.
"Yeah. Well you were wrong."
"WHAT?!" Luna shouted, galloping up to where Bassicus was standing. "... Oh." As Luna looked out the massive hole in the Ursa Majors chest she saw a half destroyed Ponyville, its residents looking at Bassicus as he stood in the, still smoking, hole in the Ursa Major.
"Well, I think we'd best gap it." Bassicus said, before running away as fast as he physically could, smack bang into the Ursa Majors Adrenal Steroid Gland. "AHHHH! I'M BEING ATTACKED!!" He screamed in terror, flailing around and eventually ripping out the Adrenal Steroid Gland. "Oh. The hell is this?" He asked, holding up a vital part of how ursas get so massive.
"It's the Adrenal Steroid Gland." Luna explained.
"The hell's that?"
"It's the main source of hyper-growth hormones for an ursa."
"I see. I'll be taking this." As he said that, the item in question vanished into thin air.
"H-how did you do that?" She asked in shock.
"You mean your species doesn't have natural access to a personal pocket dimension that can also be opened by others during trades and pick pocketing?"
"No."
"Oh you poor creature, I'll get you a Pip-boy once we get back to Grpyhos." He said, resting a hand on her head as they both exited the Ursa Major.
"T-thank you Princess!" A filly called out from in front of the ursa.
"You're welcome." Luna thanked the filly in turn.
"Where'd you get that awesome pet?" An orange pegasus filly with a purple mane asked.
"I'm not a pet, you insolent child." Bassicus belittled Scootaloo. "Oh, MUFFINS!" He suddenly called out, leaping in the direction of Derpy's house.
"What's an insolent child?" Scootaloo asked luna.
"I'll tell you later, right now I have to stop Bassicus from tearing apart the town." Luna said to Scootaloo, before taking flight in the direction Bassicus ran.
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"-And that's my secret to making blueberry muffins." Derpy finished proudly.
"Interesting. I really should try to get my hands on some of these 'blue berries' you told me about." Bassicus told her, munching on a muffin all the while.
"Yay! And you should teach me your recipe for Deathclaw egg batter." Derpy cheered.
"I doubt you could get your... How did you get that Deathclaw egg?" He asked as he saw Derpy lift a Deathclaw egg from behind her kitchen bench.
"Pinkie gave it to me."
"I REALLY need to meet this Pinkie." Bassicus mused, unaware that at the exact moment he said that, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense told her there was a new pony in tow nthat she hadn't thrown a party for.
"I'm sure you'll find out soon." Derpy told him.
"Okay. Well I'd better be off now, see ya if I ever pass through here again." He said with a wave, exiting Derpy's house, only to be confronted by a ball of pink anti-physics. "Hello, stange neon pink pony." He said as he passed by.
"Huh? What, what just happened?" Pinkie asked in complete confusion, no pony had ever been able to ignore her before, she'd made sure of that the moment she came to Ponyville.
"Did, did Lunas new pet ignore Pinkie Pie?" A pony asked, only to have Bassicus yell in her mind '[it]I'M NOT HER PET[/it]'.
"Nopony ignores Pinkie Pie." Pinkie threatened, her mane falling limp and her vibrant pink coat turning a dull gray.
"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!" Bassicus cried out with a speed that would put Pinkie to shame as he ran back through Ponyville, leaving gouges in the cobblestone road were he placed his feet. He was flowed shortly afterwards by no less then fifty royal guards.
"Nopony ignores Pinkie." Pinkie Pie laughed, menacingly rubbing her hooves together. Just as the guards were running past her, Pinkie Vanished, only to reappear in a garbage can ahead of Bassicus. Timing herself just right, Pinkie leapt out of the garbage can and tackled Bassicus, or at least that was her original plan. Bassicus merely kept sprinting onwards, oblivious to the added weight that was, Pinkie.
"It's ponynapped the Element of Laughter!" One of the guards chasing Bassicus called out, only to explode after stepping near a Fragmine, which were now littering the street.
"Pegasi, take flight and chase after the creature whilst the unicorns take these devices in for study." The captain ordered.
Uh, sir? I think we may have a problem."
"And why's that?" THe captain asked, snarkily.
:Well, sir. It's running back this way."
"Ah. RUN!!!" The captain shouted, causing all the royal guards to flee from the charging wall of metal.
"Outta my way! My ex has giant motherfucking robot!" Bassicus yelled as he pushed past anything in his way. Following closely behind him was the mother of all robots, standing at thirty feet tall, The Annoyed Ex is a seemingly indestructable missile rack.
"Get back here Bassicus! I haven't castrated you yet!" A feminine voice hissed over a loud speaker.
"I quite like my reproductive organs, thank you very much!" Bassicus yelled back. Bassicus then felt an almighty force hit him square in the back, causing him to fly forwards and onto his front., giving the giant robot enough time to catch up and pin him down with a foot.
"Anylast words?" The robot asked.
"Yes, just the one." Bassicus said with a smirk. "Fly." At this single word, the robot was suddenly encased in a dark blue aura and flung into the atmosphere, where it was subsequently taretted by every missile, laser, and nuclear device Bassicus had on him.
"Oh I so hate you right now." was faintly heard from the robot.
"Yeah. Well... Fuck you too!" He said failing miserably to give an awesome comeback, he then opened fire on therobot, which caused a new mini-sun to exist for the next twelve minutes. "So, now that's done. I think it would be about the right time for me to grab Luna, and gap it!" He said, grabbing luna and activating his Juggernaught War Suits thrusters, causing him to accelerate to mach one point five.
"Slow down!" Luna screamed, but to no avail, as she was traveling faster than sound.
Upon seeing this affront to her title of awesomest flier in Equestris, Rainbow Dash took flight and did a Sonic Rainboom, and during all this, Pinkie was still latched onto Bassicus' lower thigh. Slowly plotting how she would get revenge on Bassicus for ignoring her, that was, however, until Bassicus neared Mach two.
"This is sooooo awesome!" She squealed in joy and amazement.
Rainbow Dash was stumped, this creature was even faster than her. Even after performing a Sonic Rainboom, this metal biped was still flying almost twice as fast as her, whilst carrying Princess Luna. She now stood, well flew technically, corrected, it was now travelling twice as fast as her. Pushing herself to her very limits, and then some, Rainbow Dash slowly started to ctach up, unbeknownst to her, however, she had managed to pull off a second Sonic Rainboom.
After having finally caught up to the princess and the metal creature, Rainbow Dash reached out to grab onto it, just as she got a firm grip, somehow, Bassicus accelerated yet again. With the added acceleration from Rainbow Dash, Bassicus went much, much faster than was possible in his War Suit. After breaking the sound barrier a third time, Bassicus tried to slw down, only to discover he coudln't. In a fit of blind panic, he activated his suits teleportaion system, effectively negating their forward momentum and firmly placing them on the ground.
"Well, that wasn't excepted." Bassicus said with a whistle, clearly not knowing that he should be experiencing the effects of massive G-forces.
"HEY, MONSTER! Let the princess go!" Rainbow called out from behind Bassicus.
"Oh, hi Rainbow Dash. How you been?" The creature waved at her. Wait a minute. Waved? What was going no here?"
"How do you know my name?" She asked suspiciously.
"We met like a few hours ago, relative to you at least."
"I don't know who, or what you are. But you'll release Princess Luna at one!" She demanded.
"Okay." Bassicus complied, gentlely placing Luna on the ground.
"If you ever break the sound barrier three times whilst holding me again, I'll have you gelded." She warned him.
"Oh thank celestia that you're alright Princess Luna." Rainbow Sighed in relief.
"No thanks to Bassicus, and his inane attempts at teleporting us back to Gryphos." Luna glared.
"Not my fault, the suit was only calibrated for one person. Be glad ending up in an Ursa Majors lung was the worst that happened. *Poorly muffled laughter*."
"What's so funny?" Luna asked, noticing Rainbow Dash also joined in the laughter.
"Nothing, Princess no fur." Bassicus said, which caused both him and Rainbow Dash to break out into laughter.
"What?" Luna asked before taking a look at herself and screaming her lungs out. "WHAT HATH YOU DONE TO MINE COAT!!!" She yelled in the RCV.
"Nothing, it must've been lost in the teleportation. Actually, I think I could respec a teleporter to turn normal energy into matter." Bassicus suddenly genioused, rubbing the chin of his helmet as well.
"You'd better hope my coat grows back, Bassicus." Luna warned.
"Wait. You're Bassicus? When I saw you on the airship you were wearing different armor." Rainbow Dash questioned.
"I went home and swapped it out for something alittle better suited for taking on a tyrant."
"Who's the tyrant? Did Princess Celestia tell you to go fight off some evil overlord in a far away land?" Rainbow asked, standing on her hind legs and punching her forehooves.
"Actually, she's the tyrant." Bassicus informed her.
"Huh. Now that I really think about it, Princess Celestia is sorta bossy. But that doesn't make her a tyrant!" Rainbow dash thought, defending her princess as well.
"She's purposely supressed technological development that could lead to her being dethroned, and anypony who gets any ideas about a non-monarchal government dissappears." Luna informed Rainbow Dash.
"Whoa, I guess she is a tyrant. But what could you hope to do against the goddess of the sun?" Rainbow asked Bassicus.
"I dunno. Raise a massive army and lead a rebellion against her." He shrugged.
"That's stupid, even I can see that." Rainbow told him, unknowingly calling herself stupid.
"Well, until I get my company set up in Gryphos, it's basically all we've got."
"We could get Twilight to help form a plan!" Rainbow dash proclaimed, patting herself on the back for her clever idea.
"She's too loyal to Celestia, she'd never plot against her." Luna burst Rainbows ego bubble.
"Oh. Well, if I come with you the elements will be useless."
"That's, actually a good idea Rainbow Dash." Luna said, shocked at Rainbows good idea. "But won't you miss your friends in Ponyville?"
"I'll come visit them from time-to-time. I'm not the fastest flier in Equestria for nothing." Rainbow dash claimed, reforming her ego bubble.
"I guess I could spare some space to build you somewhere to stay on the compound." Bassicus said, already thinking of how he was goping to design his compound.
"Actually, I could stay with Gilda." Rainbow told him.
"Wouldn't work, she's the crown princess to the griffon throne." Bassicus shot her down, only to miss entirely.
"I knew that. We WERE lovers whilst in flight school, ta know." Rainbow informed Bassicus, easily feeling the look he was giving her, even through his helmet.
"How old were you when this happened?"
"Eleven." Rainbow informed Bassicus. After a few seconds of silence, rainbow dash looked at Bassicus, not noticing any movement coming from him. "Uh, Bassicus. You okay?" She asked, prodding his leg slightly. After another minute Bassicus finally reacted.
"You had sex when you were eleven?" He nearly shouted.
"So? I've known ponies who've done it when they were eight. You okay Bassicus?" She asked him, hearing a large number of strange sounds emanating from his helmet.
Inside Bassicus' head, there was nothing but errors, system crashes, and the occasional system scan. After having to completely reboot, Bassicus was about to respond when Luna intervened. "The legal age for Ponies is six." This caused Bassicus to simply fall over and release an almighty. '[it]Error 962-B: Logical course of action indefinable[/it]'.
"Uh, what was that?" Rainbow Dash asked, rubbed her ears with her forehoof, as if that would make the ringing in her head go away faster.
"I-I think we broke him." After a few minutes of awkwasrdly standing around, Bassicus finally began to stur.
"Oh, my head." He groaned, climbing to his feet. "The hell happened?"
"I explained to you how fillies and colts of six and over are allowed to mate." Luna told him, only for him to nod and punch a non-descript cliff next to him.
"Ouch. That must've hurt." Rainbow Dash winced as Bassicus' fist created a ripple effect, which caused the surrounding area to become covered in a spider web of cracks. After a few seconds, the cliff finally collapsed revealing a hidden cave, full to the brim with gold, silver, priceless artifacts, weapons, jewelry, and gemstones.
"I call dibs!" Bassicus suddenly cried out, leaping into the cave and letting his inner keptomaniac loose.
"HEY! Let me have some too!" Rainbow dash called out, galloping after Bassicus, who had already relocated a full quarter of the horde to somewhere.
"Uh, guys, I think that this might belong to somepony." Luna called back.
"What?" Bassicus asked, as he neared the enterance to the cave he saw the reason why. Thirty dog-like creatures were pointing crude spears and swords at Luna. "This is my loot. Get your own." Bassicus warned, slowly reaching for his Atomic Tomahawk.
"Ponies not alouded to touch offering to great metal man." One of them said.
"What?" Luna and Rainbow Dash called out.
"Diamond Dogs make offering to Metal Man inorder to avoid his wrath." The same one as before explained.
"Sweet, if only these were worth anything backhome, then I'd be slightly richer!" Bassicus cheered, placing the last of the loot in his inventory.
"Is offering enough to please great Metal Man?" The, now obvious, leader of the pack asked.
"Yes. Yes it does. Don't suppose you could help us reach Gryphos, could you?"
"We have tunnels that lead to griffon allies capital." The leader said.
"Then lead us through them, as I intend to enact a plan to overthrow the tyrant, Princess Celestia." At this all the Diamond Dogs murmured amongest themselve.
"Diamond Dogs pledge their aid in Metal Mans war against the Evil Sun." The leader announced.
"Excellent, now I just need to get several more factions on my side and we're almost ready."
"Almost?" Luna asked.
"Well I still need to build us a base of operations." He informed her.
"Diamond Dogs help Metal Man build. Diamond Dogs good at digging."
"Excellent. Lead the way, fellow rebel." Bassicus gestured to the lead Diamond Dog, who took the hint and lead them through the canyon they hadn't noticed they were in, and into a large cave.
"Uh.I-I think I'll just wait outside." Rainbow Dash said.
"Don't be a pussy. I'm sure Gilda would enter a dark cave that only... everyone put her could see in without a source of light." Bassicus gave a man-the-fuck-up speech to Rainbow Dash.
"Oh yeah? I'll show you!" Rainbow said as she suddenly stormed past Bassicus ans into a position behind the lead Diamond Dog. "Lead the way." She told him.
"Diamond Dogs no listen to pony."
"Do this, and I won't let the Think Tank experiment on you." Bassicus told the Diamond Dogs.
"Okay, Follow Diamond Dogs."
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After three hours of spelunking, Bassicus' companions and guides were starting to get tired. "H-how can you be so fresh?" Luna gasped.
"I honestly dunno. One day eating, sleeping, drinking, and even going to the toilet, suddenly became optional." He shrugged.
"Diamond Dogs worship Metal Man as god." One of the Diamond Dogs said.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuck." Bassicus moaned.
"What? Getting tired already?" Rainbow Dash asked, only slightly winded.
"No. It's just now there's two religions that worship me as a god."
"Isn't that kinda, I dunno, awesome?" Rainbow Dash asked him.
"Not really, considering my luck. I'm just glad they haven't gone on any 'Holy Crusades' in my name." He shuddered, the thought bringing up memories of the last religion ctarted around him.
"Oh, that would be bad." Rainbow Dash agreed. At that same moment, Scootaloo and the Rainbow Dash Fan Club were performing a ritual sacrifice to their enternal saviour, Rainbow Dash. "Huh, I suddenly feel stronger." Rainbow Dash mused.
"Well that's a good sign." Bassicus told her, picking up Luna and placing her on his back.
"Diamond Dogs ready to continue to griffon Capital." the Diamond Dog leader huffed.
"Then lead on, I guess." At that moment an ominous rumbling was heard. "Please tell me that was your stomach." Bassicus asked.
"It's just Diamond Dog military excersizes." The lead Dimond Dog explained.
"You guys have a military?" Rainbow Dash asked, she just couldn't rap her head around the primitive Diamond Dogs having an army.
"Yes. Ponyville Diamond Dogs rogue pack. We sent to wipe out, but Metal Man did it for us."
"You're welcome and it's Bassicus by the way."
"Halt. Who goes there?" A baritone, yet feminine voice called out.
"Pacification Squad six and the Metal Man, as well as Metal Mans companions." The leader replied, no longer in broken english.
"What'd he say?" Rainbow Dash asked Bassicus.
"You mean you didn't get that?" He asked in confusion, before it finally clicked in his head. "Hehe, I just realised, he was speaking mandarin."
"Mandarin?" The Diamond Dog Leader asked.
"It's the name of the language spoken by the chinese. They were on of the world super powers that participated in the Great War."
"Oh, We've never heard of them."
"Of course not, they're from my dimension."
"Could you please speak in Equestrian?" Luna asked, with Rainbow Dash noding in agreement.
"Fine, spoil sports."
"This way, the Alpha will see you."
"We actually escorting Metal Man to Gryphos."
"And why's that?" The baritone female asked.
"Metal Man is plotting to rebel against Princess Celestia."
"And he kidnapped Princess Luna why?"
"He didn't foalnap me, I decided to accompany him of my own free will."
"Why?"
"Because my sister is a tyrant that stripped me of my power and has perverted the elements of harmony to her own evil will."
"Oh, that's a good reason."
"I just realised something. Why do the female Diamond Dogs speak English better than the males?"
"Males are generally mentally inferior, but physically superior. Females are the exact opposite." The female Diamond Dog explained.
"I see, well I guess we can stop off for a quick meet with this 'the Alpha'."
"I have a question. What exactly IS the Alpha?" Luna asked.
"The Alpha is the all-father of the Diamond Dogs."
"Oh, so he's like the first Diamond Dog ever?"
"Yes."
"Ah, He must be old."
"Older than the princesses."
"Damn, their like five times older than I am."
"Wait, how old are you Bassicus?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"I stopped counting at two hundred and twenty three." Rainbow Dash merely gaped, how could a non alicorn live for more than a hundred years?
"Metal Man is truely a god."
"Be quiet, Bassicus isn't a god. I'm sure he's but a mere mortal... Where'd he get that?" Luna asked.
"Remember, pocket dimensions."
"Oh, right right. I keep forgetting, your insane." Luna nodded.
"... Follow me." Shrugging, the trio followed after the Diamond Dogs. After turning the corner, they beheld a site that made Canterlot look like a favella in comparison. The Diamond Dog capital, or as they call themselves, the Gemlords.
"Well, this puts anything short the Forbidden City to shame." Bassicus murmured.
"Yeah." Luna and Rainbow Dash agreed.
"I see you are impressed with our capital."
"I'm actually wondering how much it would cost to get my place to look this good." Bassicus awed.
"Well, if what Lorgg told me is true. We'll do it for free." At this Bassicus leapt towards her and gave the Diamond Dog a great big bear hug.
"Whoa. Check this out." Rainbow Dash called over to Luna. Upon approaching Rainbow Dash, Luna saw th reason for her awe. Row after row of Diamond Dog soldiers were performing marching drills. Each and everyone in perfect synch with the others and all wearing armor that would put the royal guards to shame.
"Hey, what's up over her. Cool, a massive army. I've seen bigger of course." Bassicus mused.
"How can you have seen bigger? The Gemlord army numbers in the tens of thousands." Lorgg asked.
"I visited China once, before the war. They held a military parade to show off their strength. It went on for hours, without a single break in formation or a gap of more than five feet between each squad or tank division."
"That. That sounds pretty big." The female Diamond Dog said.
"Yeah, well considering it, and everything else, got wiped out during the two hours of the Great-War."
"Wow, there must've been some powerful magic being thrown around." Luna whistled.
"Humans don't have magic."
"I see. Then clearly you are lying."
"Am not, we used nuclear bombs and ICBMs."
"What are those?" Luna asked, only for the female Diamond Dog to answer.
"A nuclear bomb is a theroisied device that can create an explosion powerful enough to level an entire city. But the technologies and sciences behind it are still decades ahead of anything Diamond DOg scientists are capable of."
"I see, well humanity developed nuclear weapons around three hundred, maybe three hundred and fifty years ago."
"Well, I feel stupid."
"Meh. You know what a computer is?" He asked her.
"Yes, we have several, but they're the size of a two story house."
"I'm estimating your technology levels to be at around late world war two levels."
"Your species had two wars?"
"No. We had two wars tha encompassed the globe. We've had a few thousand since the Egyptian pharoes started enslaving people to build their pyramids."
"Your species is even more violent than the griffons." Luna remarked.
"Meh. I'm smarter and beter looking than you."
"You're lucky we're surrounded by ponies that would take me out the moment I were to harm you." Luna warned.
"I've fought the Master, I'm pretty sure that if I can fight off a horde of heavily mutated humans and their all powerful leader who can kill you with a thought, I can survive a pissed off magical winged pony with a horn."
"You lead an interesting life." The Diamond Dog female said.
"It's an okay life..."
"Sharqua."
"Thank you, I'm just gonna ask for names when I meet people from now on."
"Sure? This way please. Lorgg, you and your men can go rest up in the barracks before your debriefing."
"Yes, Ma'am!" Lorgg and his soldiers saluted, before marching off double file in a random direction.
After a forty minute walk, the quartet arrived a two massive golden doors with howling Diamond Dogs carved into them with diamonds for eyes. Each carving was in such detail that if it weren't for the colour and eyes, they would almost seem real. Everyone who wasn't a Diamond Dog, or Bassicus, was awed at the sight.
"Still not as grand as that set of doors I found underneath an Aztek ruin. Never gonna open any fancy doors without at least a small army backing me up again."
"Whatever, I'd very much like to meet this Alpha." Luna said.
"Of course." Sharqua said before knocking twice on the orante doors. After a few seconds they opened to reveal a massive chamber filled with ornate marble pillars, incredibilly detailed statues and tapestries, and massive golden throne with a massive figure on it.
"YOU AGAIN!!" Both Bassicus and the figure called out at the same time.
The Adventures of Bassicus
Chapter Nine: Return of the Master
Chapter Nine: Return of the Master
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"YOU AGAIN!!!"
"Uh. We're clearly missing something." Rainbow Dash said, in a rare moment of clarity.
"Yes, do explain how you know the progenitor of the Diamond Dog race." Luna concurred.
"This is The Master. He was the leader of a massive army of super mutants that went around killing or kidnapping ino- well mostly innocent, wastelanders and either eating them or turning them into more super mutants."
"I-is this true?" Sharqua asked.
"Yes. But I have changed my ways and only wish help purge the world of all evil." The Master told her.
"Or maybe it had something to do with me shooting you six dozen times with a YK-42B Pulse Rifle in the head."
"That had a small part in my decision and next time, try using something that wasn't designed to destroy robots in one shot against an organic target."
"And hos was I supposed to think clearly at the time? I recall you dropping a building on me."
"Oh right, that. Let's just call a truce and discuss what I had you brought here for."
"Go for it." Bassicus said, whilst Luna, Rainbow Dash, and Sharqua watched from the side lines.
"As you know, Princess Celestia is a ruthless tyrant. She attempted to imprison me when I arrived here eight hundred years ago, and use my knowledge to enslave the planet. After an intense mental battle, I retreated deep under ground. Where I have been bidding my time and guiding a race into glory. But now that the Champion of Change is here, I can finally put my plan into action. You have the full cooperation of the Gemlord Empire, Bassicus."
"How am I a champion of Change?" Bassicus questioned, honestly confused by how a sub-hero could be anymore than a companion.
"Whenever there has been major change, you've been there. Whenever there's been a settlement or fledgeling country in need, you've been there to help and guide them to a better future. You are, for all intents and purposes, a Champion of Change."
"That sorta makes sense, but you're forgetting the part where someone dropped the better part of a mountain on me, which resulted in me thinking I was a raider for ten years."
"That happened after you defeated me."
"Yes, like right after I defeated you."
"I see, but regardless of atrocities commited whilst not in the right state of mind-"
"They called me the Faceless Terror."
"-I shall give you a full engineering corps to help you with your endeavours, as well as a full battalion of soldiers to provide security for your place of residence."
"Sweet. Anything else?"
"Yes, just the one. Are you hungry?"
"Funny thing, I don't REALLY need to eat, unless I'm outta stimpacks or healing powder."
"Ah, the powers of a Champion of Change."
"No. The aliens that abducted me did some weird shit and now manyu things that are vital for survival are optional for me. Fucking annoying if you ask me."
"I see. Your friends must be hungry, am I right?"
"Starving." Rainbow Dash egoed.
"I'm feeling a bit peckish." Luna agreed.
"Then I shall have Sharqua here escort you to the finest resturant in the city. You can go along too Bassicus, or you can accompany Sharqua's daughters on a shopping... trip... He can move really fast when he wants to." The Master said, completely amazed at how Bassicus broke the land speed record to not have to go shopping with some women. And he couldn't agree more with his reasoning. What ever it was.
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"Wow, if Rarity could see this." Rainbow Dash said, taking in the site of the city around them.
"I don't really think the Diamond Dogs would stand a chance against her tidal wave of fashion designs." Luna shuddered, thinking of what unholy abmoinations Rarity would blind with her dresses should she ever come here.
"Who's this Rarity you're talking about?" Sharqua asked.
"She's just a fashion designer that lives in Ponyville." Rainbow Dash told her, completely missing the fact that all the Diamond Dogs wore clothes.
"I see. I'd very much like to see her designs." Sharqua said, completely catching Luna and Rainbow off guard.
"Okay?"
"What? I'm into fashion." Sharqua defended.
"So, moving on. What's on the menu?" Luna asked, changing the topic to the best of her abilities.
"There's both vegetable and meat based dishes, I'll just get you a menu with solely vegetable dishes on it." Sharqua said, leaving the duo to idly chat with each other.
"So... How's life as a princess?" Rainbow Dash asked, trying to breakthe awkward silence.
"It's okay, would be better if celestia wasn't constantly draining my magical energy to help fuel her own."
"I see. But can''t you just, I don't know, tell her to buck off and go to the birthplace of ponies?" Rainbow asked, posing a valid point.
"... Why didn't I think of that?" Luna asked, a slightly saddened look on her face.
"Oh cheer up! I'm sure you would've thought of it, I mean it's not like she was repressing your re will or anything." Rainbow Guffawed.
"Actually she was. Bassicus' presense must've blocked her mind control magic long enough for me to make a get away and exit it's effective range."
"Uh... In Equestrian?" Rainbow asked.
"He allowed me to escape from celestias torture and become a free mare again."
"I see... Uh, um." Rainbow Dash struggled for another topic of conversation that is, until Luna leaned across the table and kissed her. "WHOA! I don't go that way princess, sorry." Rainbow dash exclaimed whilst pulling away from the princesses lips, a slight blush on her cheeks.
"Oh, I just thought, that you were into mares with the way you act." Luna said, slightly dissapointed.
"And that's my cue to make myself known." Bassicus said as he walked up to the duo. "How's everything been?" He asked in a cheerful and knowing mood.
"How long have you been standing there?" Luna asked, blushing.
"Long enough to know you have the hots for Rainbow." He said with a sly grin.
"If you tell anypony, I'll gut you like a fish." Luna threatened him.
"Remember like five hours ago? Remember how I got us out of that Ursa Major?" Bassicus reminded her.
"Touche. But in another six months, I'll be able to rip you limb from limb."
"Uh no, no you won't. I shold know, the Great Khans tried it once. My joints are still popping even to this day." Luna looked disgusted at the mention of popping joints, whereas Rainbow Dash looked on with a glint in her eye and a look on her face.
"You should totally tell me about some of your awesome adventures, Bassicus." Rainbow Dash suggested trying, and succeeding, to hide her true intentions.
"Sure. How's about when we stop in at a hotel for the night?" He asked.
"Sweet!" Rainbow cheered, at that moment Sharqua returned.
"I've missed some important context, haven't I?" She asked, taking in the scence of a blushing alicorn and an on-the-verge-of-squeeing pegasus.
"I'll let Luna fill you in later." Bassicus dismissed.
"Okay, well I've got the menus." She said as she handed Luna and Rainbow each a green menu. "And I guess you can order from mine if you want." She told Bassicus.
"I'll take a Manticore steak, some chips, not hay, and whatever cola like soft drinks this place offers."
"This is a five star resturant, I doubt they'd have soft drinks."
"Oi, waiter! This place serve soft drinks?" He called to a waiter at the next table.
"Yes, we serve soft drinks. But only because rumor has it that you knew the Alpha before he came to our lands."
"You were saying, Sharqua?" He said, with a look of victory on his face.
"It's only because you have history with the Alpha." She growled, before placing her order with the waiter, Luna and Raibow following suit.
"I'll have a salad and a vegetable lasange." Luna placed her order.
"And I'll have a... I'll jus, uh. I'll just have some hay fries." Rainbow Dash sheepishly said, mainly due to having never ordered anything more than fast food.
"Certainly." The waiter said.
"So." Bassicus said.
"Wanna talk about your past?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Since we have nothing better to do. Sure why not." Bassicus said. "It all begins one summer back in 2049, a young couple-"
"I think she meant your adventures, not your entire life story. Which I'm still not sure how you could remember that far back to."
"Oh, okay. It all started back in 2074, I was minding my own business, reading my old comics. When I was surrounded by a beam of light, next thing I knew, I was on an operating table surrounded by little green things. After that, everything until 2087 became a blur. But in 2087-"
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"... Die you alien bastards!" Bassicus shouted, gunning down every alien he saw with his stolen Blaster Rifle.
"Hurry up Bassicus! We're dying to get some revenge on these alien commies!" An american military police member yelled from his cell.
"I just need to figure out these controls. It's not like I can read alien!" He called back, before taking a look at the consoles, which had suddenly translated themselves to english. "Uh, disregard that last part! I guess I can read alien after all!" He called back, pushing all the nessecary buttons to release all the prisoners.
"Now I say, those aliens really have done a number on you if you can understand their language." A businesman with a posh british accent told him.
"I know, and for some reason I feel... well superior." Bassicus told them.
"Well be glad they stopped before you turned into one of those abominations." The british guy said.
"Yeah, that would not be the life for me. Here's some weapons for you." Bassicus said, handing the two people in front of him some pistols he just looted from the aliens he killed.
"How am I supposed to know how to work this?" The military police member said.
"Like a normal handgun, Pete?" The businesman said, holding his like a normal pistol before firing it at an aliens corpse.
"What about reloading? Yeah, didn't think that out did ya, Dave." Pete triumphantly proclaimed.
"Just drop it and pick up another one when you run out?" Bassicus suggested.
"There's a reason Vault-Tec hired you, isn't there?" Dave said, causing the trio to break out in roarcasious laughter.
"Ah, if you can't have a bit of a laugh whilst in captivity on an alien ship, then you're clearly broken." Pete said, clapping Dave and Bassicus on the back.
"Let's go find some armor. It's getting pretty chilly in here." Bassicus told the others.
"Well that's just because the aliens must've really liked you." Pete said, nudging dave in the side as Bassicus crossed his arms and walked over to a locked chest.
"This should be fairly easy to pick." Bassicus said aloud.
"But none of us even know how to pick a lock, much less an alien one."
"Who said anything about picking? I'm just gonna shoot the lock off." BAssicus told them as he took aim and shot at the lock, causing it to shatter.
"That's a pretty useful skill you have there." Dave stated.
"Well I wasn't a lead designer of the Pip-boy for nothing was I?" Bassicus said whilst looking through the chest. "SWEET! My Pip-boy." Bassicus exclaimed.
"Anything else?" Pete asked.
"Just some combat armor, and... an LMG? Where'd they get this?" Bassicus said, holding up an M240.
"I don't know, but I baggs it!" Pete said, running over and slide tackling the LMG out of Bassicus' hands.
"Sure, it's not like I've figured out how to reload this rifle or anything." Bassicus said. Tossing the combat armor to Dave and Pete, he began to put it on and continued to look through the chest. "Sweet, a Browning M2, an UMP, and a .44 revolver." Bassicus said, pulling the items in question out of the chest, as well as a small paramilitary organization worth of ammo for them, and placing them on the floor.
"Well who's gonna carry the browning?" Dave asked, fiddling with the UMP.
"I guess we leave it." Bassicus told the two, checking over the revolver before putting it in a holster on his combat armor.
"I don't know. For some reasonn, leaving behind a weapons suddenly seems, wrong." Pete said, both Bassicus and Dave nodded in agreement.
"I don't know why either, but we certainly can't carry it." Bassicus said, touching the Browning M2, which suddenly dissapeared.
"... I didn't know you were a wizard, Bassicus." Dave said.
"I didn't know either." Bassicus told him.
"Well, at least we have some heavy weaponry should we need it." Pete said, breaking out of his shock.
"True, but how am I supposed to get it? I mean it's not like my Pip-boy will have a menu saying... It has a menu saying which items I currently have on me." Bassicus sighed.
"What's the matter?" Dave asked.
"I completely forgot what I put in this thing."
"Well, at least you get to rediscover them, right?" Pete said, clapping him on the shoulder.
"I suppose you're right. But for now, we've got us some aliens to kill." Bassicus informed them, picking up his Alien Rifle and striking a pose.
"Here's your food." The waiter said, laying out four trays.
"Ah, thank you. Now as I was saying-"
After wandering aimlessly through the corridors of the ship, the trio finally came across the cyro storage chamber. Row after row of cryogenically frozen humans and other creatures filled the room.
"Should we release these poor buggers?" Dave asked, eyeing a strange bipedal crab thingie.
"Sure, more allies to help us kill some commie aliens." Pete laughed.
"Pete, these are aliens, they can't be communists." Bassicus scolded the propaganda smitten man.
"Oh, right. Because they're aliens, and the concept of communisim probably hasn't even been considered by them." Pete said, a rather dissapointed look on his face.
"Oh, come now. We can still kill them all the same, they are xenos scum after all." Dave informed pete.
"Warhammer 40k fan?" Bassicus asked, idly fiddling with a random bobblehead he found lying around.
"How'd you know?" Dave asked, nudging an alien corpse with his boot.
"Lucky guess." Bassicus told him, walking off in a random direction.
"Where we going?" Pete asked, scanning the area for hostiles.
"Dunno." Bassicus replied, stopping suddenly.
"What is it now?" Dave asked, shouldering his SMG.
"I need to sneeze." Bassicus informed them, earning him a groan. "Also there's a shit ton of hostileso n the other side of this door." Bassicus continued, the Browning M2 materializing in his hands.
"What'rre you planning?" Dave asked, nervously.
"I open the door lay down supressive fire and then you guys come in on either side and flank 'em." Bassicus stratagized.
"I knew you could have your moments." Pete chuckled.
"You only met him yesterday." Dave interjected.
"I don't need your fancy logic." Pete snarkily replied.
"Whatever, we have better thigns to do, like clearing a room of raiders- I mean aliens so we can loot their corpses." Dave said, taking position behind Bassicus.
"Whatever." Pete said, following Dave's lead.
With a quick nod to the pair, Bassicus opened the door and immediately closed it. "Those aren't aliens." He told them, backing away slowly and flipping tables and other large objects to make a temporary barricade, which he hopped behind and mounted the MG on. "I'd suggest you get behind here, coz I'm gonna open that door again soon then jump back behind and shoot whatever leaves that room." Bassicus warned, causing Dave and Pete to either filp over the barricade or barrel roll underneath it.
"Okay, on three I run over, open the, and run back whilst you guys shot anything leaving the room." Bassicus confirmed. "THREE!" He suddenly called out, sprinting towards the door and opening it, before running back and diving over the barricade and taking ahold of the MG.
"Where does that door behind us lead?" Dave asked.
"... Cryo storage, I think." Bassicus guessed.
"Yeah, it's not Cryo Storage." Pete told them, walking over with a box of sugar applebombs. "It's a storage room for various foodstuffs they've taken from earth." He explained, munching on the now open packet of sugar applebombs.
"I see, anything else?"
"Just an open doorway to that room over there." He informed them, pointing to the room that they were facing.
"Well... fuck." Bassicus said,dismounted the MG and turning around to face a horde of abominations. "Did you REALLY need to leave the door open?" Bassicus asked, cocking the loading mechanisim on the MG.
"Console broke." Pete said, taking aim as well, right before three grenades landed in the midst of the abominations and somehow freezing them instantly.
"Hey guys! I saw you needed some help so I threw some cryo grenades, might want to smash 'em before they thaw." A friendly sounding canadian accent called out.
"Good idea." Bassicus thought aloud, walking up and swinging the barrel of his M2 at the frozen abominations.
"So, who are you?" Dave asked.
"I'm Sir Reginald Lurdicrest, and yes, my parents did hate children."Sir Reginald bowed.
"Another knight?A pleasure to meet you, I am Sir David Davidson the Eightysecond." Dave bowed, extending his hand.
"I see, family not particularly creative with names?" Reginald asked, shaking Dave's hand.
"Actually a great ancestor lost a bet and from then onwards all first born sons must be called David, the mere fact that the families last name was Davidson was unknown as both people involved in the bet were the first people to discover drugs." Dave explained.
"I see."
"Yes, my family runs the majority of the worlds drug trade." Dave said, casually.
"Wait, you're telling me you're an international drug lord?" Bassicus asked.
"Yes."
"Awesome!" Bassicus cheered.
"Why?"
"Coz now I know a second international criminal." Bassicus told him.
"Who's the first?"
"The god of Pimps."
"Ah, how's he been?" Dave asked as they looted the cleared rooms.
"Dead, Interpool tracked him down whilst he was crashing at my place. Would've been arrested too, if it weren't for the fact that I work for Vault-Tec and my army of robots."
"Where's you get an army of robots?"
"Interning as Mr. House's protegee has it's advantages, mainly knowledge of robot engineering only rivalled by Mr. House's." Bassicus responded.
"How did you get all these amazing opourtunities?" Dave and Pete asked at the same time.
"Gradutating university at ten with highest honours?"
"That would probably do it." Reginald said, taken aback at the sheer intellect the man before him had.
"Probably, now let's get back to killing aliens and looting!" Bassicus called out, marching off in another random direction with his gun totting posse behind him.
Several hours later the group found itself in the bridge of the Theta, much loot weighing down the many rugsacks and duffel bags they had come across. Standing before them was an empty control room and a window seat view of another mothership approaching them.
"So... Should we man the stations or something?" Pete asked, slowly eding towards what he assumed were the firing controls.
"I guess so." Bassicus told him, sitting down in the surprisingly comfy captains chair. "When we get out of this, I'm keeping his chair." Bassicus said.
"I think we're locked on, should I open fire?" Pete asked from where he was randomly pressing buttons that looked like they were designed for a two year old.
"I'm thinking, yes." Bassicus said, sitting in such a way that he looked like an actual starship captain.
"Aye aye, sir!" Pete mock saluted, pressing the button with a picture of a firing laser. Watching in awe, the group watched a green laser shoot out from their ship and impact the aliens, causing its shields to flare and die out.
"Fire again." Bassicus commanded, too which Pete responded by pressing the button again,but nothing happened. Spotting a button with a picture of a vent and wavy lines above it, he pressed it and then the laser button. After a few seconds the ships laser fired again, ripping apart the alien ship and causing its reactors to overload and explode.
"Well, what now?" Dave asked, looking bored.
"We pilot this thing to a remote stretch of land and then go on with out lives, eventually returning with a fuck load of people to dismantle and reverse engineer this thing so we have have, like, an impregnable fortress of ultra tech." Pete imagined.
"I like your thinking patterns." Bassicus said in a cheery tone. "Now then, how the fuck do we fly this thing?" He said aloud, causing everyone to scratch their heads.
"And that's how I escaped an alien spaceship." Bassicus told his rapt audience.
"How'd you get off the ship?" Rainbow asked.
"And for that matter, when did you spark the Great War?" Luna also asked.
"It took us three days to locate an instruction manual with information on how to fly it. And to answer your question Luna, we were delving through a large maintenance area when I pressed a remote launch control for an ICBM."
"I see, and when did this Great War start?" She continued.
"2077, why?"
"And when did you escape the aliens?"
"2087. I don't see what you're getting at." Bassicus asked.
"How could you start a war that happened ten years earlier?" Luna summarized, leaving Bassicus to stare blankly into nothingness for a few minutes. After poking Bassicus for a few mionutes, Luna jumped back when he suddenly slammed his head into the table with enough force to shatter it after muttering the word fuck. "Are you alright?" She asked.
"Just peachy." Bassicus told her, giving her a thumbs up as he righted himself.
"That must've hurt." Rainbow cringed.
"Quite a bit, but enough about me, tell me about your childhoods." Bassicus switched topics.
"Well, I was imprisoned for a thousand years on the moon when I was fourteen by my power hungry sister, and then escaped, only to have my powers stripped away and be placed under a mind control spell." Luna told them, giving an incredibly shortened versioon of her life story.
"I'm not gonna listen to yours, Rainbow. Those under the age of fourteen should not be having intercourse." Bassicus told Rainbow, who merely shrugged and began drumming her hooves on her chair.
"Well, let's head to bed, we've got an early start tomorrow. And I appear to have developed a massive headache." Bassicus told them, causing the mares to giggle as he dizzily stood up.
"Follow me." Sharqua told them, leading them to their hotel rooms.