Vacation All I Ever Wanted

by Silent Bob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 4381

What happens when you take a study-deprived Twilight, the rest of the Mane Six, the Doctor, and the rest of Equestria's quirkiest and throw them together on a cruise ship? Insanity. Insanity happens.

What happens when you take a study-deprived Twilight, the rest of the Mane Six, the Doctor, two ghoulish guests, and the rest of Equestria's quirkiest and throw them together on a cruise ship?

Insanity. Insanity happens.

Can Twilight survive Spike's challenge of taking a week off without working? Or will her quest for relaxation go the way of the Titanic? And just why did a certain handsome devil send these ponies invitations in the first place?

Find out, on Handsome Blackjack's T.S.S. Bon Voyage! A cruise liner… OF THE FUTURE!

Stay crazy my friends.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-15 22:10:01 UTC

Time To Get Away

"Spike! Can you give me a claw?!" Twilight cried, desperately sorting through yet another row of books.

"Ugh... seriously, Twilight?" Spike mumbled, yawning as he awoke from a peaceful slumber. "I was having an awesome dream..." He grinned sheepishly. "Rarity and I had just bought a house completely made of gems... after our honey moon to the Eastern Gem Islands... it was beautiful."

Twilight turned towards him with manic-laced eyes as about twenty more books flew into a growing pile on the floor. "No time! Must find... Equivalent Exchange - Advanced Alchemy: Volume II! HELP! PLEASE!"

"Twilight... have you seriously gotten to the point of crazy where you're not even bothering to construct whole sentences anymore to save time?" Spike groaned.

"CRAZY?!" she said, glancing back at him with a twitching eye. "Who's crazy?! Not crazy! Need to complete project by tomorrow! Forgot all about it! No time for whole sentences! All play no reports makes Celestia a dull goddess! Dull goddesses get spiteful! Send tardy students back to Magic Kindergarten! CANNOT FAIL HER!"

Spike face-clawed. "Oh for the love of... seriously, Twilight! Didn't you just turn in a report yesterday? She probably hasn't even gotten around to reading it yet!"

"This different! Forgot about this one! This report late!" Twilight shouted desperately, her horn beginning to glow. "Need assistance! Double-check books! Twilight write!"

"Hey! Cut it out!" Spike growled as he was encased with magic, dragged a few feet through the air, and unceremoniously deposited upon the floor near the massive pile of books with a plop! "Alright! Alright! I'll help you! Jeez!" he shouted.

Not even bothering to hold back a roll of his eyes, he began to sort through the pile. However, after a second more, he turned to Twilight, raising an eyebrow. "Twilight... I'm going to be honest with you. And I'm not just saying this to get out of looking for the book..." He squinted in thought for a second. "Well, alright, maybe that's part of the reason. But don't you think you've been working a little too hard lately?"

"Hard?! Who work hard?! Twilight work at normal pace!" Twilight growled.

Spike let out a groan. "Alright, let me rephrase that. Don't you think you've been working too hard your entire life?!"

There was a beat of silence as Twilight paused, Spike glancing at her hopefully. However, it ended with a shake of her head.

"Student of Celestia!" she proclaimed, not even bothering to look at him as she continued to look. "Student of Celestia expected to work hard! Students of Celestia must learn about the fundamentals of alchemy! Assistant of Twilight must KEEP SEARCHING!"

"Celestia wouldn't want you working so hard that you've decided to start talking like a cave-pony!" Spike shouted.

"Bullhockey!" she retorted.

"No! Not bullhockey!" Spike cried back, before wincing slightly. "Great, now I'm doing it... but come on, Twilight! The whole reason she sent you to Ponyville was so you, and to quote a totally awesome, handsome dragon, 'could make some friends!' As in... she wants you to start taking it a bit easier."

Twilight shook her head. "Also part of a Xanatos Gambit to bring the Elements together! Security of Equestria top priority to her! Not happiness of student!"

Spike blinked, flabbergasted. "Oh come on! Now I know you've lost it! Do you really think the princess doesn't care about your happiness?"

Twilight nodded rapidly while still searching... though a bit slower now. "Cares about happiness, yes. But not her top priority! Expects results from me!"

Spike shook his head. "No, Twilight! Now you're full of bullhockey!" He took a deep breath. "Do you know how many times I heard her worrying about you overworking yourself when she used to dragon-sit me?" He chuckled slightly, a hint of pride in it. "Probably didn't think dragons could remember stuff when they're only one years old, but I could."

At that, Twilight halted, before gazing towards Spike with a warm smile. "Really said that-" She coughed slightly, shaking her head. "I mean... did she really say stuff like that?"

Spike chuckled slightly. "Yes, Twilight, she did! She didn't just bring you to Ponyville as part of a 'Xanatos Gambit,' or whatever it's called. She honestly cares about you! Why else would she have you stay here to learn about friendship and stuff? Was that all just some huge ploy to keep your mental health up enough so you could continue to please her? Of course not! I don't think even a cynic could say that with a straight face."

Twilight raised an eyebrow, gazing at him curiously. "Y-You really mean it?"

"Duh!" Spike shouted, rolling his eyes. "I only lie to keep myself out of troubl-." He coughed again. "I mean uh, a dragon never lies! You know... dragon code and blah blah blah. But yeah, I'm telling the truth."

At that, Twilight gave a deep sigh, plopping down on her flank. "Ugh... you're right, Spike, you're right..."

"And this isn't the first time I've had to remind you of it," Spike said, tapping an agitated foot. "Look Twilight, I'm sure you've mastered the art of biting off more than you can chew without completely losing it, but once and a while, you need to take a friggin' break."

Twilight nodded solemnly. "Yeah, yeah... I know." An insane grin suddenly etched across her face once again as she sprang to her hooves and proclaimed, "A ten minute break it is! And I might as well use it by sorting these book-"

"TWILIGHT!" Spike cried, stomping in front of her. "You. Are not. A machine! You are a pony! And ponies need to relax once and a while or they go cookoo labonza!"

She gave an annoyed huff, steam billowing out her snout. "Fine, what are you suggesting I do, then?!"

Spike smirked slightly at her. "I suggest... no, I DARE you to take an entire day off and do nothing but relaxing! No study projects, no anything but casual, recreational activities!"

Twilight's eyes widened in horror. "Don't you even joke about something like that!"

"Oh, did I say dare?! I meant DOUBLE DARE!" Spike cackled.

"This is blasphemy! This is madness!"

Spike raised an eyebrow, grinning slightly. "Madness?"

"Don't say it..."

"THIS. IS. PONYVILLE!.!.!"

"Ugh..."

"And Ponyville is probably one of the most relaxing towns there is!" Spike argued. "Come on Twilight, this is your sanity we're talking about. Just one day?"

Twilight took a deep breath, wincing slightly. "Alright. Just one day?"

"One day," Spike nodded.

"Of nothing but relaxing?"

"Of nothing but relaxing!"

Twilight gulped. "Can it be-"

"No, not a half a day!" Spike snapped. "A whole. Darn. Day!"

Twilight opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, a voice made itself known at the door.

"Heh! How about a whole week?"

Twilight and Spike turned towards it, only to face her five friends, bright smiles on each of their faces.

"Hey everypony!" Twilight chirped, forcing a smile. "Uh... didn't expect to see you all today!"

"Haha, let me guess, she's been going nuts studying, hasn't she?" Rainbow Dash smirked towards Spike.

"Eeyup," Spike Big Mac'd.

"Why, this is perfect, then!" Rarity beamed, her eyes twinkling.

"What's perfect?" Twilight said suspiciously. "And what's this about a week off?"

"Haven't you checked your mail yet, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked.

Twilight turned to Spike, who shook his head. "I didn't belch up anything today."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "I meant your regular mail. Don't yall know that you have a mail box?"

Spike chuckled, face-clawing. "Oh, yeah! Duh! I forgot to check it today."

"Well, go on then," Applejack grinned. “If we got one, then I betcha you did too, Twi!"

"Ugh, what's with the big mystery?" Spike grumbled as he walked outside, plucking a stack of letters from their normal mail box. "What did you all get?"

At that, her five friends nodded to each other, smiled, formed together, and sang:

"We've all got golden tickets!

We've got golden twinkles in our eyes!"

Twilight gave them a blank look. “Seriously?"

"For serial!" Rainbow grinned.

"It was my idea," Pinkie smirked.

"Ugh, I think Twilight's crazy is starting to spread somehow," Spike groaned. "God help us all."

"Quiet Spike," Twilight grunted, before turning back to her friends. "Anyway, what did you all get?"

"You mean- what did we get, Twilight," Spike said, prodding her slightly and handing her one of two letters. It was somewhat extravagant looking, and covered with pictures of summer related objects: a shining sun, a volley ball, and what seemed to be a jacuzzi.

'To: Twilight Sparkle,

12 North Street,

Ponyville.'

'From: The TRIDENT Corporation,

164 Future Street,

Crimson Islands'

Her five friends smiled at her, nodding encouragingly.

"Well, go on, open it!"

"It's totally awesome!"

"I honestly can't wait! I've always wanted to try one out before! Oh, how luxurious! The saunas, the sun, the manacures!" Rarity said dramatically. "It's to die for..."

"Alright, alright, hang on!" Twilight chuckled, as she slowly ripped it open and dropped the letter out onto one of her free hooves. She then cleared her throat, before reading:

"Hey there, Twilight Sparkle!"

She quirked an eyebrow, gazing at her friends with an incredulous expression. "They addressed us each by name?"

"Keep reading!" Rainbow grunted, before giving Twilight a sort of wary look. "It's uh... actually more than that."

Twilight raised an eyebrow, before continuing with it:

"Are you working to the point of utter mental breakdown? Are you literally studying so hard you've foregone making complete sentences for time's sake? Bahahaha! Boy, can I relate! It's hard to be a winner, isn't it?"

Twilight's mouth began to part as she squinted at it, baffled. "Alright, what the heck? How did he-"

"Yeah, mine was like that, too," Rainbow said in a concerned tone.

"Same here!" Rarity said.

Applejack gave a grunt. "Fraid' it's true with me, too. It's kind of creepy, to be honest." A grin then came upon her face. "But go on, keep reading!"

Twilight squinted an eyebrow before continuing on with,

"But being a winner, don't you think you deserve something more once and a while than constant headaches and mental torment? Haha, I sure as buck think so, ya crazy nut! That's why I'm giving you one cordial, all-expense paid invitation to Handsome Blackjack's luxury cruise liner, the T.S.S. Bon Voyage! Holy crap, I bet your jaw just dropped, didn't it?!"

Twilight's jaw was indeed dropped.

"Haha! And no, this isn't a joke or a scam or anything. This is much better: it's a promotional stunt! Why should I be hiding things from a smart gal like you, anyway? You see, you, being an Element of Harmony, are quite famous! Which is why I want you to come on my cruise ship, enjoy yourself, and then go blabbing about how awesome it was to all your friends and family! The word will spread, and then I'll become even more bucking rich! It's a win-win, really!"

"Is he serious?" Twilight said, shaking her head.

"I think he is," Spike said, laughing. "Mine's like that too! Oh my gosh this guy is nuts!"

"But yeah, my cruise ship is state of the bucking line, meaning it has pools, it has god damned saunas, it's got beautiful, five-star rooms and food, and the best entertainment there is (three words, LASER-FRIGGIN'-LIGHT-SHOWS)!"

Twilight lifted an eyebrow. "That was four-

"Yeah I know it was four words you bucking nit-picker. But yeah, in addition, we even have a pony made of diamonds aboard! Can you believe it?! Well, it's actually my first mate, a pony from the Crystal Empire, but isn't that awesome?! Hey wait, didn't you save them or something important? I dunno, I don't really read the newspaper. I'm too busy bathing in pools of jello! Oh, and speaking of that, WE HAVE THAT TOO! We actually have a bucking pool filled with jello, and one with chocolate pudding, too! I know you like chocolate, everypony likes chocolate!"

"How did he know?" Twilight said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"Mmmm, and he says he has a hot-tub with gems floating in it, too," Spike droned in a mesmerized tone, his pupils literally turning into gems.

"Snap out of it, Spike!” Twilight said, prodding him slightly.  “This has to be some sort of prank.”

She then cleared her throat, before reading:

"So yeah, what the buck are you waiting for? Go get packed and get ready for the best god damned trip you've ever had; one week of smooth sailing through the totally not-pirate-infested Berdooma Triangle. We're gonna put a smile on your face, whether you like it or not! Hehehe...."

Twilight blinked, slowly shaking her head.

"Haha! Just kidding! I'm totally not evil! But yeah, get your crap packed, Twilight! Shut your doors and turn off your lights, you're goin' for a ride! Oh, and in case you don't believe me about all the crazy stuff this cruise has, check out the pictures on the back!"

Twilight cracked a sarcastic grin.

"Is this guy for real?" she laughed. "He can't be-"

She flipped over the paper. There, plastered upon it were a series of photos of... a massive, regular swimming pool with huge slides twirling down to it, an actual pool filled with chocolate pudding, a hot-tub with a number of gems floating it, and a beautiful looking bedroom.

"O-Oh my gosh, he is serious!" Twilight said, her eyes widening in bewilderment.

"Hehe, yeah, this Handsome Blackjack may be a nutjob, but he knows how to make a cruise liner!" Rainbow Dash beamed.

"I bet you the parties aboard are OUT OF THIS WORLD!" Pinkie said, flying into the air as a series of confetti dropped from the ceiling... somehow.

"It does sound quite... relaxing," Fluttershy oozed. "Ooo, I just hope they allow animals aboard..."

"I'm sure they'll allow you to take a few pets, Fluttershy, and I'm definitely down for goin' on it! My whole family got an invite too, actually," Applejack beamed. "Definitely something Granny is looking forward to."

"My Sweetie got an invitation as well," Rarity smiled broadly. "And it says we can bring one guest!"

"Heh, guess I'll take Scootaloo then," Rainbow said. "If the rest of the Crusaders are going, I can't have her being left out."

"Good idea, Dearest," Rarity smiled.

Twilight however, still held an expression on her face that said 'this is too good to be true.'

"I-I don't know about this, you guys," she said softly.

"Yeah, gotta agree with her, there," Spike said, lifting a claw. "Don't more ships go down in the Berdooma Triangle than anywhere else in the world?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "That's because more ships travel in the Berdooma Triangle than anywhere else in the world. Naturally, there'd be more sinkings."

"Pffft, whatever," Spike grunted, folding his arms. "I still think it's aliens."

"That's not the reason why I'm reluctant," Twilight stated. "It just seems like this is way too... convenient. And it's like he's been stalking us or something!"

"Eh, maybe he has been having somepony keep an eye on us, in order to gather our personal tastes, ya know? To convince us better?" Applejack said, shrugging. "Kind of a silly thing to do, but if he's desperate to promote this thing..."

"Yeah, I guess so," Twilight nodded. "But even so, I can't go! I have so much studying to do-"

"Oh, here we go again!" Spike grunted, before giving Twilight a hopeful glance. "Twilight, don't you see? A week off could be just what you need to break your workaholic habits!"

"A workaholic?! I am not a workaholic!" Twilight huffed.

The group stood silent, glancing away from her with simpering smiles.

"OH COME ON!” she growled. “Just because I spend ten out of twelve hours of the day studying does not mean I'm A WORKAHOLIC!"

"Er, sugarcube... no offense, but are you listening to yourself talk?" Applejack stated, lifting an eyebrow. "Now, I know you're a pony who can handle that sort of thing, but sometimes I think you press yourself a little too much... just like I did that one time. I think I should return the favor by tellin' ya 'right back at you.'"

"Yeah, I gotta agree, even I don't work as hard as you do, Twi, and I'm trying to join the Wonderbolts of all groups!" Rainbow said.

“Uh-huh…” Twilight grumbled.

“Well… they do have a point. I mean… it’s fine that you’re a hard worker, but don’t you think a teensy little break would be nice?” Fluttershy said, smiling.

Twilight's eye began to twitch, before she blurted out, "Ack! This is a conspiracy! A conspiracy is what it is!”

"Relax, dearest! This isn't an intervention-" Rarity squinted for a second. "Well, actually, it sort of is. But honestly, if you don't relax a bit you'll end up doing yourself more harm than good. Believe me, I find my fashion line ends up being twenty times better after I've spent a day relaxing and putting my mind at ease."

"And if a day off does that for her, imagine what a week off could do for you, Twi," Spike said, a conniving smirk on him. "Your homework and reports could be thirty times better!"

"Yuh-huh, nice try," Twilight grumbled. "But I'm-"

"I'm not trying to trick you or anything," Spike grunted. "It's the truth! But how about this: if you take a week off and don't come out a whole new mare, I will pull double-workload around the library for a week of my own. Sound fair?"

"And we will never bug you again after that," Fluttershy squeaked. "Well, unless you want us to, that is..."

"Please, Twilight, do it for yourself, AND THE GREAT PARTY FORCE!" Pinkie proclaimed, another series of confetti showering down from nowhere.

"Alright, how the heck are you doing that?" Applejack said, giving Pinkie an incredulous look.

"Oh, I've placed trap doors filled with confetti all over Equestria!" Pinkie beamed, tugging on an very thin string that was, indeed, attached to a trap door on the ceiling Twilight didn't even know was there. "In case of party emergency."

"Alright... but what the heck is 'The Great Party Force'?"

Pinkie then took a deep breath, a whimsical look coming upon her. "The Great Party Force... it is an... energy of fun that runs through the entire world. Through every living being! It binds us, surrounds us! Luminous beings are we, not this... crude matter! Beings who connect to each other through our enjoyment! That makes our hearts one! Once you tap into the Great Party Force... only then can you bring forth power you can't even dream of!" Her eye began to twitch. "AND NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MIDICHLOREANS!"

Rainbow gave a hearty laugh. "Pinkie, you are so-" Rainbow paused. "You know what, screw it. Does it even need to be said?"

"Pinkie... your tired devotion to that ancient religion is nothing short of madness," Twilight groaned, shaking her head. "There's no such thing as the Great Party Force!"

Pinkie took a deep breath. "One day... Twilight. One day you will believe."

"Anyway, Pinkie's insanity aside, how about trying to rid yourself of your own craziness, Twilight?" Spike said, a pleading look in his eyes. "Also, not that I could use a vacation myself, of course..."

Twilight took a deep breath.

"I-"

She glanced at Fluttershy, the yellow mare's eye shimmering...

Begging...

"Well uh-"

She then caught Pinkie's hopeful grin.

"I'm not so-"

Rainbow gave a smirk, before putting on a hopeful expression of her own.

"Come on, Twilight. Pools of chocolate pudding," Spike grinned.

And at that, maybe it was her friends pleading looks, her realizing how much they cared about her, or maybe it simply so she could write better reports later on, but Twilight's neurotic self hung her head in defeat that day.

"Fine... alright. I'll go."

Rainbow's eyes widened. "Did she just-"

"Oh my gosh, I think she did!"

"I can't believe it... I can't believe it!"

"SHE SAID YES! TWILIGHT SPARKLE IS TAKING A WEEK OFF FROM STUDYING!" Spike screamed.

At that, the crazed, giggling dragon ran out the door, scurrying through town and gathering the attention of everypony he could find:

"Hey Bon Bon, Lyra!"

"Hey Spike!" they called.

"Yo! You won't believe this, but Twilight's taking a week off from studying!"

Their mouths parted. "HOLY CRAP!"

He then stammered up to Doctor Whooves.

"Hey Doctor! Guess what's up?!"

"Oh- hello there my draconian friend, what-"

"Twilight's taking a week off from studying!"

"OH GOOD HEAVENS!" the Doctor gasped, clutching at his hearts. "Oh no, I think I'm having a-"

He keeled over.

"DOCTOR, NO!" Derpy cried.

"YEAH, IT'S AWESOME, ISN'T IT!?" Spike grinned maniacally, before dashing off to find his next victim, this one being Vinyl.

"Hey Vinyl! You’re totally not going to believe this, but guess what?!"

"What's that, little dude?" she grinned.

"Twilight’s going to relax for a WHOLE WEEK!” Spike beamed.

Vinyl raised her eyebrows. "Haha! Far out! I hope it's for that cruise thing, cus guess who's totally perform-" By the time she had finished, however, Spike had gone. "Woah, guess she really does work that little guy hard. Heh."

Spike then bounced up to a pony with a football shaped head.

“HEY ARNOLD!" Spike called.

“Oh hey, what’s up Spike?”

Spike's grin was nearly infectious as he shouted, “TWILIGHT’S TAKING A WHOLE WEEK OFF FROM STUDYING!”

Arnold's eyes widened. “Holy crap! Are you serious?! I can't believe it!" He then smiled slightly." But hey, are we still on for-"

Spike was already gone.

"Heh, catcha later, I guess," he chuckled.

"HEY CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"  Spike beamed, now panting profusely as he approached them.

"Heyo! What’s going on, Spike?” Scootaloo asked.

"Twilight! Not Studying! Whole week!” he gasped, looking as if he were about to collapse.

"MADNESS!" they cried, as Spike ran off.

"GOOD LORD! THE APOCALYPSE COMETH!" Scootaloo cried into the heavens. "Have mercy, sweet Faust!"

"I'm too young to die!" Sweetie whimpered. "Come on girls, we need to get our cutie marks - quick!"

"Right!" Apple Bloom said determinedly, before glancing about desperately. "Um... uh..." She spotted a barrel full of apples sitting by her family stand. "AHA! CUTIE MARK CRUSADER APPLE GOBBLERS!"

Sweetie gasped. "Apple Bloom, no! You can't eat all those apples!"

"FORGET YOU! I CAN EAT ALL THESE APPLES!" she shouted, before digging her muzzle into the bin, her friends eyes widening in horror "NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM!.!.!"

"Haha, easy there, sis, eat all those apples and you're going to get a wicked tummy ache," Big Mac chuckled.

"Can't... stop... Twilight's taking a week off from studying!" Apple Bloom said in-between gulps.

Big Mac's eyes widened, a deep look of remorse coming upon his face.

"Whelp... time to get the bomb shelter ready. I knew this day would come."

☼☼☼

Spike was panting like a dog when he reentered the tree house, collapsing to the floor as the Mane Six gazed upon her with a baffled expression.

"You've been waiting to do that, haven't you?" Twilight groaned, tapping a hoof. "And you say I'm crazy."

"Had to be done," he moaned, lifting a claw, before collapsing completely. "And totally worth it."

However, a dreamy smile was still stretched on his face as he sang:

"Vacation all I ever wanted...

Vacation time to get away!"

At that, yet another new voice came forth. This one coming from one of two ponies standing near the entrance to the tree house.

"Heyo! Mind if we tag along?"

One with glowing, white eyes, the rest of her face obscured under a hood.

"Oh crap... it's them again?!" Spike gasped.

☼☼☼

Four thousand miles away, a door opened, illuminating a pale lit office, and a smirking, darkened figure sitting with his hooves on a desk. A second later, pony entered, its body completely covered in crystals.

"Ah, Butt Stallion, I'm glad you're back," he said. "What news of the operation?"

"Things are going good," he nodded, before he raised a hoof. "But uh, just to clarify, my name is not-"

"What was that, Butt Stallion?!" the figure snapped. "Can't hear you over that whining drone!"

The stallion raised an eyebrow. "What whining dro-"

"OH MY GOSH! THERE IT IS AGAIN!" he cried. "It happens every time you open your friggin' mouth! Jeez, what a coincidence!"

Butt Stallion rolled his eyes.

"Ha-Ha," he groaned. "Very funny, sir."

"You bet! I am totally the King of LoLz!" He then let loose a douchey laugh. "Oh my gosh, I should totally get that tattooed on my flank!"

"Of course, sir," Butt Stallion grunted. "Brilliant, as always."

The figure composed himself. "But yeah, are the invitations sent?"

'Butt Stallion' nodded. "Yes, sir. All sent. Everything is proceeding as planned." He then lifted an eyebrow. "But what of those from the Nightmare Realm? And the Doctor? Do you really want to risk having him aboard?"

"Pffffft - what of them?" the figure said, waving a dismissive hoof. "They don't know jack about Handsome Blackjack, do they?"

"As far as we know," 'Butt Stallion' nodded. "I think it's safe to say they won't discover the true purpose of the cruise... until it's too late."

"Excellent, excellent. Looks like we've got it in the bag," the figure chuckled, leaning forward into the door's light and revealing a series of stitches etched about his face. "You know what this calls for! HIT THE BUTTON!"

"Yes, sir," the crystal pony sighed, before hitting a large red button on the wall. Suddenly, the room became filled with sound of a totally devious song:

"And it's so easy when you're evil,

This is the life, you see,

The Devil tips his hat to me,

I do it all because I'm evil,

And I do it all for free,

Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!"

"Yeeeees," the stitched figure cackled. "YEEEEEES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEES! LAUGH WITH ME BUTT STALLION!"

"Ugh, do I really have to," he grunted.

"YES YOU HAVE TO! WHAT DO I BUCKING PAY YOU FOR?!"

"Total and utter abuse barely worth my salary," he sighed. "God I hate this job. I really... really hate this job." At that, however, he cleared his throat before joining the stitched figure with a tremendous:

"BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.!.!"