The Lonesome Drake

by Bok

Rating: everyone
Tags: Diamond Dogs, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 5308

Some sheriffs are celebrated in ballads; others have their names whispered by bandits as wretched curses across the desert winds and even more are remembered for the injustices they fought. This one belches fire.

Some fighters are celebrated in ballads, others have their names whispered by bandits as wretched curses across the desert winds and even more are remembered for the injustice they fought.

This one belches fire.

Published 2013-09-28 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-28 00:30:01 UTC

The Lonesome Drake

The Old Orange Special endured the rushing air and searing heat of the wasteland's sun, protecting its special cargo from the harsh elements outside. The passenger train cruised by cacti and rocks alike. Most of the passengers had learned to tune the desert features out, except one.

"Five hundred and twenty-two, five hundred and twenty-three..."

Twilight looked up from her to book to see Spike gazing out the train, his elbow on the windowsill. He counted boulders with half-closed eyelids as they whipped by.

"Spike?" she asked, with no response. "Spike!"

The dragon snapped out of his self-imposed hypnotized state and looked back at Twilight. "Oh, sorry. Are we almost there?"

"No, but the train station to switch should be coming up pretty soon. We'll be almost halfway there!"

Spike rolled his eyes and turned back to the window. When he couldn't remember what number he left off at, he began to count tumbleweeds.

Twilight shook her head and returned to her book, wishing Spike would show a little more enthusiasm. After all, the trip to the old frontier town wasn't a standard one; when Applejack received word from Braeburn that some hotshot griffon director was filming a movie in Appleloosa, the earth pony was initially skeptical until she learned that they were still accepting extras.

AJ always snuck off to the movie theater to catch old black-and-white westerns when she was a filly. Flaming Bridles, 5:30 to Canterlot, The Colt from LaMare; she loved them all. The news that the master of westerns, the griffon Occi Leoneuccelli, was making his final movie in Appleloosa almost made AJ eat her own hat. She took the first train she could tag long with Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.

Unfortunately, when Twilight tried to buy a ticket she discovered that they had sold out and would have to wait for the next train, which was scheduled several hours behind Applejack's. It would be full-on nighttime by the time they arrived, but Twilight was happy in any case to take another trip to Appleloosa; they were nice, friendly folk.

After another hour of travel, the train screeched to a halt at the switching station. Their layover between trains was short; Twilight had to grab Spike and place him upon her back in mid-gallop in a race against the clock. They darted down the station and when the unicorn read he words 'Appleloosa' on a nearby train schedule, she ran inside with her assistant in tow. She skillfully placed the two tickets into the conductor's collection box as the train began to move.

In her haste, she did not realize that the schedule listed two departures at the exact same time: one for Appleloosa, and the other for Applenoosa.

She and Spike took their place on the train, ignorant of the mistake they had just made.

"Action!"

The train that had been chugging across a set of pre-prepared tracks exploded across all five of its cars and a wave of hair-singing heat rolled across the desert. The train immediately derailed and kicked up massive plumes of dirt; coal and flaming iron sent everywhere. With a grinding sigh, the massive locomotive finally dug to a halt, before the main engine itself was sent skywards by an impossibly huge fireball that erupted from underneath it.

From a distance, the entire town of Appleloosa observed.

Occi Leoneuccelli sat in his director's chair as he watched the carnage. He looked like any other male griffon, save his graying feathers and scruffy goatee, combined with the red sash he wore around his neck.

"Wow," Braeburn said, "That's some fancy fireworks, Mr. Leo."

Leoneuccelli stood up from his chair, scratching his chin. "You're right. But 'fancy' is not what I'm aiming for in my masterpiece. This has to be gritty, and real," He turned his head to some of the film crew who had just recorded the wreck, "Tell the T twins to get another train! We're doing this from the top!"

The griffon felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a starstruck Applejack, her stetson hat carefully clutched between her hooves.

"Uh, Mr. Leo?"

The griffon director blinked once and a smile etched itself across his face.

"You!" he announced, pointing.

AJ's heart did a flip. "Yeah?"

Leoneuccelli sighed. "Not you. Her! She's absolutely perfect for the role of my magnum opus!"

The earth pony turned to see that Leoneuccelli's claw was actually directed towards Pinkie Pie, who had decided to help herself to the film crew's refreshments.

The director ran over to Pinkie and grabbed her face while her mouth was still stuffed with donuts. "How would you like to be a star?"

"The T twins have a train ready for a re-shoot!" one of the special effects crew called behind the two.

"In a minute!" Leoneuccelli called back, "Can't you see I'm trying to recruit the best villain Equestria has ever seen?" He turned back to Pinkie, "So how about it? Would you strike fear into the heart of every mare, colt and foal with your acting?"

Pinkie slowly slid a dastardly mustache onto her snout with one eyebrow arched. "Your proposal...intrigues me."

"What about me?" Applejack sorrowfully called to the director.

Leoneuccelli dismissed AJ with a wave. "Oh, you can be a faceless henchmare," He looked over Pinkie's shoulder and saw Rainbow Dash flying over the fake town the director and his film crew had constructed just outside Appleloosa. He dropped Pinkie like dead weight and ran after the pegasus, calling out to her. "You! Can I get you outfitted for a deputy badge?"

As the griffon flew off, Braeburn walked up beside a disappointed Applejack. "You alright, 'cuz?"

Applejack placed her hat back onto her head. "I reckon."

"Don't feel down just yet," her cousin assured, "soon as he sees you rope a lasso or buck a tree, he's sure to give you a good part."

"What part did you get again, Braeburn?"

"I'm Nameless Mook #5!"

The sky was black and littered with tiny points of light when Twilight's train screeched into the station. The unicorn and dragon had stayed awake for the arrival and barely shambled off the train. They were far too tired to care about anything more than the most superficial of details about their location, such as the town looking nothing like Appleloosa.

However, since it was night and since the two were on the verge of sleeping on the ground, Twilight simply opted to trot down the main street and walk into the first building they saw with 'hotel' on the sign. She absently tossed the clerk a few coins and he rudely shoved a key into her hooves before yelling at her to not muck up the room.

With Spike still on her back, she crawled up to her room, opened the door and promptly fell into a much-needed sleep on the filthy blankets of her bed.

BANG!

Twilight woke with a start, knocking Spike off her back. The dragon snoozed away even after he hit the floor.

BANG!

The noise came form outside, this one followed by the sound of something hitting the dirt. She ran outside to the balcony attached to their room and looked down into the street below. There, two figures were visible in the street; one standing, one on the ground. The standing figure was a mean-looking griffon wearing a black duster, with a long scar across his beak. The one on the ground was a grey unicorn, face obscured by his raggedy brown wide-brimmed hat.

"Winner, Talino!" a voice announced. The griffon spun his popgun around several times before returning it to his holster and blew kisses to the cheering crowd on each side of the town's street. The unicorn got up and limped away, cursing under his breath.

"Huh Didn't know they were already shooting the movie," Twilight said and moved away from the balcony and opened her room door. When she slammed the door, Spike finally rose and rubbed his eyes.

As Twilight descended the staircase, she noticed that this was not the hotel she knew from Appleloosa. The smell of salt stuck to the walls. She could tell the ground floor was filled with shady and violent-looking types, most of them either drowning themselves in apple cider or playing cards.

She came up to the barkeep, who busied himself cleaning a glass.

"Excuse me, sir," she asked, "this isn't Appleloosa, is it?"

The barkeep looked up for a moment before he resumed his cleaning. "No ma'am. This here's Applenoosa."

"Well that's not right. Do you know when the next train out of town is?"

The bartender chuckled and continued to shine his glass. "No ma'am; last train out of here isn't for another three days. Don't you know what's going on here?"

A nervous look overcame Twilight. "Wait. Those two outside weren't in a movie, were they?"

The barkeep smiled. "Now you're getting it, missy! That nasty business outside is the 22nd World Quick-draw Contest. All the greatest slingers around come here."

"That's—"

"Awesome!" Spike finished.

Twilight turned to see her assistant on the barstool next to her, claws on the counter. "Spike!"

"What? This is cool!"

"It's dumb macho, is what it is. Come on, Spike, we're leaving."

"Don't think so, ma'am," the barkeep said.

"What?"

He set down the glass. "Besides the fact that the whole desert around here is known as Dead Pony's Promise, anyone who's entered the contest can't leave town."

"Uh, I didn't enter."

"No, but your little friend did."

Twilight saw her assistant was just as confused by the barkeep's statement as she was.

Spike blinked once. "What?"

The bartender sighed and pointed to the heavy book at the end of the counter. "That's the sign-up. I saw you write your name down in it."

Spike shifted in his seat. "It said 'sign name here!' I did it by reflex!"

"Doesn't matter," the bartender grunted, "once you sign up, you're signed up. And entries are final. If you're caught trying to skip town, well..."

"You deal with us!" a shrill voice said behind them. The two turned to see the Diamond Dogs.

All three of them had brown, tattered dusters; their ears poked out holes cut in the black, wide-brimmed stetson hats each of them wore. Fido and Rover were armed with poprifles and Spot's arms wobbled as he held his oversized popshotgun off the floor.

"The diamond dogs?" Spike asked, "Aren't you guys supposed to be living in the dirt somewhere?"

"Hmph!" Rover answered, "Little dragon has a big mouth! But if you want to know, the diamonds in our tunnels ran out, and we got blamed for it! Kicked out by our own dogs! But I run this town now; am reigning quickdraw champion!"

"Yeah!" Spot chimed in, "And if the lizard even thinks about trying to make it out, we'll know and POW! BANG! KABLOOEY! New set of boots for Spot!"

A bell sounded outside sounded. The barkeep walked over to the book to check the entries. "That may not be necessary. Looks like Mr. Spike's up next with Calamity Mane."

Fido made a low, booming snicker. "Nice knowing you, lizard."

"I can't enter! don't even have a—" Spike protested before he felt something heavy being placed into his right claw and something else forced over his head. He looked over to see the barkeep had given him a decrepit old popgun. "What's this?"

The barkeep picked up another glass to shine. "The Orphanator. I always give it to the longshots. And the stetson's required."

Twilight's patience for the town's barbaric ways had run out and she lifted Spike with her magic. "That's it. We are out of here!"

Spike was lifted into the air and lost his grip on the weapon. It hit the floor and went off, sending the piece of cork in the barrel screaming across the room. It first ricocheted off the piano, then the rusty chandelier and finally through the mug of a bar patron before it hit Twilight straight in the head. She went cross-eyed and fell backwards onto the floor.

The bartender merely shook his head. "The Orphanator strikes again. Hey, you two! Take her to the doc; I don't want her blocking good customer space."

Two of the patrons playing cards looked up from their game and walked over to Twilight, each taking an end and hefting her out the swinging doors of the bar. Spike's eye still twitched when he felt the nudge of Spot's weapon against his book.

"Get moving, lizard! And reload that thing!"

Spike's feet acted against him ane was pushed outside. The entire bar followed; soon the streets were filled with all manner of unsavory characters ready to watch another match. As they cheered, he saw the woozy Twilight being dragged into a small wooden building with a red plus symbol and almost made a run for it before a voice called out to him.

"Scum and Villainy!" a well-dressed unicorn pony with mutton chops announced, "The next match will be between..." The pony looked down on a scrap of paper and mumbled loudly to himself. "Spike. That's terrible. " He looked back up to the crowd. "Ahem. Our next match will be between Calamity Mane and Spike!"

The crowed cheered and a sullen, brown earth pony took her place in the street. A pancho was draped across her
shoulders; two flashy popguns could be seen underneath it as it blew in the wind. She spit in the dirt.

"You're the tiny thing I gotta shoot, huh? Well, you'll make good practice."

Spike backpedaled. "Wait a minute, you don't have to do this!"

Calamity Mane cracked her jaw. "You must be new to this, lagarto. When that pony over there says 'Go!', we draw. No sooner, no later."

The dragon looked around at some of the observers, who were busily placing all their bets on Calamity. Spike's path to the doc's building was blocked. Spike looked back to Calamity. He gulped. She grinned.

A gust howled through the town as Spike struggled to fiddle with the hammer of his popgun and switch to the next chamber. Just as he finished and his claws were left in a painfully awkward position to shoot, the announcer to the side shouted "Go!"

Spike closed his eyes when he heard the bang. When only the rushing wind filled his head, he cautiously opened one eye to see that Calamity Mane now sported a very large bump on the side of her head and a piece of cork laid a few feet away from her; she hadn't even been able to reach her weapon. Spike's attention turned to his own claw, which now held held the trigger of the popgun as smoke billowed out of the barrel.

Calamity slowly reached up, touching the large knot on her head. She winced, then looked at Spike.

"Ay ay ay." she mumbled, collapsing as her eyes rolled back into her head.

The announcer did a double take. "Winner: Spike? Uh, Spike the Snake!"

Boos and angry shouts erupted among the crowd as they began to argue with the bet collector. Spike noticed that some other characters had begun to drag Calamity Mane to the doc's hospital. He ran off after them and when he entered the building behind Calamity Mane and her carriers, he skid to a halt.

Twilight was on a cot, bandage wrapped around her head. On the other side of the room was a spectacles brown earth pony with a red cross cutie mark and when he heard the thump of Calamity Mane being dropped on the floor, he looked over and sighed.

"Another one? They're really blowing through them quick this year."

"Hey!" Spike shouted.

"Hmm? And who might you be?"

"Uh, a unicorn pony came in here a second ago. Can I see her?"

"Oh, the purple one? Yeah, some idiot accidentally shot her. She'll be fine, though."

Spike wiped off his brow, but tensed back up as the doctor continued.

"Still, she's not going anywhere for at least another three days. Why are you so curious?"

"We need to get out of this town before we both end up in here!"

The doctor removed his glasses. "You in that tournament?"

"It's not my fault! I sign stuff by habit! I'm a secretary!"

"That's a darn lie," one of the griffons that had dragged Calamity into the building said as he opened the door, "You had your popgun up before she even moved."

When they left, the doc walked up to Spike. "Let me see your claws, boy." The doctor studied them closely and looked back up at Spike. "If my name ain't Iron Sights. Yep, just what I thought; you got shootin' claws."

AJ finally convinced Occi to give her a part in the movie. As an extra.The scene she was to appear in was one of the many shootouts between some henchmen and the brave sheriff Rough Grit.

The actor playing the sheriff went the name of Stage Light and had been nothing but trouble since he showed up in the town. He worked the production crew like slaves to meet his petty and foppish demands. Only Occi seemed ignorant to his bad attitude.

Stage Light pushed AJ out of the way to take his place on the set while he cursed and grumbled about how filthy Appleloosa was. When everypony was in place, one of the crew counted down.

"Two! One! Action!"

The scene began with Pinkie Pie as the corrupt mayor Bowler. She twiddled her thin mustache as she looked down on the lawpony with disdain. She whistled and all at once several dozen popgun-toting characters of ill repute spilled out into the streets and pulled their weapons. Stage Light had been too busy with the inspection of his chiseled jaw upon the glint of his weapon until one of the henchponies fired a blank towards him. He ducked and groans of protest and boos waved across the fake town as they berated Stage Light for ruining another take.

"Cut!" Occi screamed. "What is this? Don't fire on Stage Light until he's well and ready!

AJ spit out her popgun. "Beg pardon Mr. Leoneuccelli, but the script says he's supposed to turn around and fire before we even get outside. So far all he's done is drop his shooter or prissy himself up!"

"Hmph!" Occi replied. "And who's the director here?"

Applejack sighed. "You are."

"That's right. Alright, let's take it from the top!"

Spike was dragged back outside by Rover for his next fight. He was thrown to his side of the town along with his popgun and scrambled to ready his firearm.

The announcer took his place in the middle of the crowd. "Alright, alright, all of you shut up! The next match is gonna be between Spike and Talico!"

Spike hoped that his opponent had chickened out when he saw the other fighter's position across the town completely void. This hope was crushed absolutely when a griffin flew out from behind the hotel & bar, covered in kiss marks. He landed in his spot, lowered the brim of his elaborately jewel-encrusted cowboy hat and smirked.

"If Calamity Mane was any shorter, her gums woulda gummed up from cobwebs," he said.

Spike gave no reply and firmly gripped his own popgun and prayed to any deity within earshot to help him out of his predicament.

"Go!"

Spike did not close his eyes. He could only watch in amazement as his claws went on autopilot.

In a purple blur his hand deftly unholstered the popgun, spun it around several times and when Talico has brought his own pistol to bear, fired. The cork zoomed at the griffin and towards the barrel of his leveled popgun, smashing into the barrel and plugging it whole. When he pulled the trigger, his popgun exploded form the pressure and the griffon sank to his knees, clutching his claw.

"Aaaargh! That was my lady-getting hand, you little gecko!" he cursed and limped away towards the bar.

The announcer was once again surprised by the dragon's speed and raised his hoof. "Spike wins again! Whoda thunk it!"

The boos and jeers were less prevalent, since Spike now had a few wagers placed in his favor. Before anyone could notice, he ran back towards the doctor's office.

"Doc!"

"Don't worry, your friend's still fine. Since you're standing I reckon that you humbled Talico a bit."

"I think. It's like I don't even have control over my claws when I draw."

"Like I said: shootin' claws. All the greatest outlaws and banditos had 'em."

"I'm just a library assistant!"

"Really? Shame. You could really blaze a trail all across the train lines. Why, I remember this one time where I—"

The doctor trailed off on some tale about robbing a stagecoach and Spike took the opportunity to go check on Twilight. She was awake; it looked like the doctor had wrapped her head in bandages while he had been fighting Talico.

"Spike?"

"Oh my gosh Twilight, I am so sorry. It just went off and I—"

"Spike, take a letter to Princess Gummy; I want all the cabbages inspected for the imperial basket contest and I'll have no excuses. The letters will be long to smell, so make sure you add the mayo!"

"Wow. That cork hit you hard."

"Hard? But it's not nearly—" she slurred before her dreary words became incomprehensible.

Spike could stay with Twilight no longer; the doors flew open and the diamond dogs shuffled in, weapons pointed at Spike.

"Come on now!" Rover spit, "You have another duel to fight! This one's gonna put you out for sure!"

"Why are you guys such jerks towards me? There's gotta be a bunch of other outlaws trying to get out of town!"

"Probably. We just kind of hate you. So get out there!"

The dragon was practically dragged back out into the street when his third duel was Ready. Fido none-too-gently forced Spike onto his designated spot and took to the side of the dirt road, weapon ready in case Spike tried to pull a fast one.

Standing on the other side of the proverbial dueling ring was an incredibly muscular minotar in a black duster. He flexed his arms.

"Beef Cake is here to lay down the law!" he shouted and pointed to Spike, "Are you ready for the pain, brother!?"

Spike eye twitched. "What?"

The minotaur balled up his fists. "I'm going to gnaw on your soul and powderize your bones. When I'm through with you, the doctor what be able to tell which end spits out the fire! Oh, yeaaaaah!"

"You do know this is a popgun duel...right?"

"Oh, yeaaaaah!"

"Okay, now things are just getting weird," Spike thought to himself. At the rate he was going, his next opponent was going to be a changeling or an alicorn. He had to get out of dodge before things got too—

"Draw!"

Spike's arm took on a life of its own as drew the popgun and fired at Beef Cake. The minotaur was slower on the draw and his cork has only just left the barrel. The two bullets bounced off each other; Beef Cake's flew off into the air harmlessly but Spike's own cork ricochetted wildly into the town. It eventually came into the town fountain, circling the inner rim before being thrown out and into the gut of one of the watchponies, knocking him out instantly.

The impact forced the cork to change direction and hit the guard on the opposite building and the spectacle became a violent version of pinball as thug after thug was defeated by a single shot.

The crowd, including the Diamond Dogs and Beef Cake, was dumbfounded.They continued to stare at the last unconscious guard, giving Spike took the opportunity to run over to the Doctor's.

"Twilight!" Spike shouted as he threw open the door, "We gotta get out of here now!"

"Slow down there, junior," said Iron Sights, "What's the big rush?"

Twilight took notice of Spike and lifted her head from the bed. She seemed slightly more aware of her surroundings, but still in no shape for conversation. "Hey, Spike. Did you know ponies are just really small horses? Woah!"

"Snap out of it!" Spike yelled, "Doc! What's the fastest way out of here?"

"There's no trains for days. The only other way out would be...nah, nopony would do that."

"What!?" Spike demanded.

Iron Sights walked over to a drawer and began shuffling through it. "There it is!" he exclaimed and produced a small, blue bottle.

"My grandpappy made this formula. Rusty Sight's magic elixer! 'With one drop, you'll have the strength and stamina of ten mules!' If your friend had some, she'd be out of that bed and dancing. Wouldn't recommend it though."

"Why not?"

"There's, uh, side effects. Makes you as strong as ten mules, sure, but normal thinkin' goes right out the window. As a doctor, there's no way I could ethically—"

The doctor was interrupted by a woozy Twilight that had silently gotten out of her bed and sneaked up to his side.

"I'm thirsty," she announced in a hazy, matter-of-fact tone before snatching the bottle from Iron Sight and downing its contents.

When the container was empty, she jumped. Her lidded eyes became alert and any sign that she ever had a heady injury evaporated.

Twilight smiled. "Wow, I feel great! I don't know what was in that bottle, but it—"

The unicorn froze. She twitched once. Then twice. Then a parade of spasms hit her; she shook so violently that some of the wooden boards below her cracked. Right when it seemed she would jump right out of her fur, the shaking stopped. Twilight looked ahead with a blank stare.

Spike waved a claw in front of her. "Twilight? You alright?"

The unicorn sluggishly turned her head toward Spike and leaned in. She made a loud nicker, her breath blowing across Spike's face.

"Dagnabbit, that was my last bottle. You're gonna pay for that, missy!"

Twilight turned to the doctor with the same blank expression and whinnied loudly, showing her teeth in a display of anger.

The raspy voices of the Diamond Dogs drifted inside the building.

"The lizard ran in here!"

"Get him! Get the noisy firemaker!"

Spike thought fast and jumped on Twilight's back. "Twilight, away!" he commanded. The unicorn of diminished intelligence reared back with a neigh before bolting out the door, Spike grabbing Rover's poprifle and ammo pouch as he passed him.

As they rode out of town, Rover pressganged several of the pony competitors to pull an old stagecoach in pursuit.

The corks whizzed past as his steed galloped across the desert. The Diamond Dogs in the stagecoach were not far behind, taking potshots. He returned fire; even when on ponyback he was still an excellent shot. Fido's poprifle was shot straight out of his paws; he lost his balance, tumbling off the carriage roof. Spot's shotgun exploded when a cork plugged the barrel, sending him flying off the back of the vehicle in an arc.

Only Rover was left with a weapon, his popgun sidearm. A much better shot than either Fido or Spot, his attempts to end the dragon came only inches from Spike's head; one managed to pierce the brim of his hat.

Spike and Rover's shootout lasted for what seemed like an eternity. The potion gave Twilight unnatural speed and the stagecoach ponies pushed themselves out of fear of what Rover would do to them if they failed. The sun was setting when the assistant spotted something on the horizon.

"Appleloosa?"

Occi had called for the set to quit for the day when he spotted something on the horizon. The rest of the town did as well.

Pinkie Pie squinted. "Is that Twilight? And Spike?"

Spike and Twilight rode through the center of town, the stagecoach right on their tale. With a mighty leap, Rover jumped from his carriage and grabbed Twilight. All three of them tumbled in the dust; Twilight eventually broke out of the scuffle and ran to the side of the building.

The stagecoach ponies collapsed in exhaustion.

Breaburn turned to Occi. "Uh, Mr. Leo? Is this in the script?"

"Um, yes! Keep rolling!"

The camerapony obeyed and filmed both of the slingers. They tussled a bit more before Rover grabbed Spike by the tail and flung him forward a few dozen feet. He scrambled to his hind legs, paw ready on his weapon. Spike had already done the same.

A cold wind blew through Appleloosa while Spike and Rover stared each other down. The only sound was the ticking of the clock tower as it neared 6 o' clock. Finally, the minute hand hit the 12 and the bell inside began to toll.

Gong!

Gong!

"This is western gold." Occi breathed.

Gong!

Gong!

"Ain't that that dog that stole Rarity?" Applejack said.

Gong!

"Is there any catering left?" Pinkie asked Stage Light.

Gong!

Rover tensed.

"Draw!"

The entire world seemed to stop around Spike as he drew his popgun. Only Rover was fast enough to display any sign of motion, his popgun up and ready to fire.

Unfortunately for Rover, Spike had already fired.

Rover howled in pain, clutching his paw as the gun spun away from him. It clattered to the ground, bent and useless.

"Cut!" Occi shouted, "That was genius! Genius!"

The rest of the town cheered and crowded around Spike to compliment him on his amazing gunplay. Rover scowled; his ears went to the side of his head and he began to hobble off.

Twilight stumbled up to the crowd, one hoof on her head. "Ugh, where am I?"

"Twilight!" Pinkie said, "You missed it! The diamond dog was like GRRRR! and Spike was like RRRRRG! and there was some wind and a tumbleweed and BANG! Spike saved the day!"

"I must've been out longer than I thought."

Occi picked up Spike. "You! I need you for the starring role of my movie. And you!" he commanded, pointing at the retreating Rover, "I will make you the great villain actor in Equestria!"

Rover turned. "Me? Villain? Hmmmm. It pay good?"

"Loads."

Money signs appeared in Rover's eyes. Convinced enough, he ran up to the director. "Rover will do it! On condition you hire my minions!"

The director nodded. "Done." He pointed to Pinkie Pie and Stage Light. "You two! You're fired!"

Stage Light's jaw hit the floor but Pinkie was unphased. "Meh. It was getting boring anyway."

Spike scarfed clawfuls of popcorn down his throat as he watched the movie he had starred in. After the movie was finished, Occi had given Spike an advance copy of the film, allowing him and Twilight to show it to the entire town in the library before anyone else in Equestria.

His role in the movie was in the middle of a heated shootout in the town saloon, deftly pulling off trick shots that would have been impossible for most. "You're going down for this, Scruffy Jim! Nobody's above the law!" Spike's character shouted over the din of battle.

While Once Upon a Time in Equestria was going to be Occi Leoneuccelli's last film, Spike and Rover's gunplay had inspired him to keep at his craft. Rover, Spot and Fido had already been hired for the griffon's next project, but Spike declined when asked; the movie star life just wasn't for him.

He never told Twilight that he kept the popgun, though.

Author's Note

This fic was went through several names, including Spike the Kid, For a Few Bits More and Hoof 'em High! until I reached its current title.