Eliminate All Other Factors, and the One which Remains Must be the Truth (Remastered)
The light of the early spring sun drifted through the windows of Golden Oaks library, spelling the start of an exciting new day. The happy yellows found their way, as they always did, directly against Twilight’s eyelids. The mare stirred, still half asleep, and scrunched her eyes against the inconsiderate glare. As her mind threatened to swim into lucidity, her body rebelled by rolling away from the accursed morning. Shifting her position, her foreleg settled on a warm, fuzzy body gently rising and falling as her muzzle landed against something soft and slightly damp.
Her eyes shot open and held the gaze of two bleary and bloodshot eyes just as wide as hers. She was snout to snout with Rainbow Dash.
“Gaah!” they screamed in unison, bolting up and leaning back in shock. As they pulled away from each other, they found themselves hopelessly tangled up in the sheets and held fast together. Rainbow Dash lunged backwards, trying to free her wings and get airborne, but overbalanced and tumbled off the side of the bed, dragging Twilight along for the ride. Once again Twilight found herself muzzle to muzzle with her friend, now pinning her to the ground.
“Rainbow! What the heck were you doing in my bed?” Twilight’s ashen face flushed straight to crimson and Rainbow’s muzzle matched hers in ferocity.
“I don’t know!” she grunted, “Get off me!”
Struggling apart and biting the vindictive covers that kept them trapped in a snuggle, the fabric gave way with a loud and piercing shred. Ruined sheets thrown wide, they lunged several feet apart and stared at each other in bewilderment, lightly panting. The looks of shock slowly blossomed to horror and their blushes darkened as the odor that was trapped in the sheets wafted up to their snouts: Twilight’s lilac shampoo, Rainbow Dash’s strawberry body wash, and the tangy, musky scent of sweat.
“Wh-what happened last night?” Twilight asked in a wavering whisper, patting at her messy bangs.
Rainbow sat on her haunches with her chest puffed out and her feathers ruffled like a threatened bird making itself look bigger. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Shaking her head, she sighed, “I…have no idea.” Rainbow broke her gaze with her unexpected bedmate and looked wildly around the room, trying to find something, anything to look at. “I, uh, don’t feel hung-over, do you?”
“N-no…I don’t remember drinking, either…I don’t remember anything.” Twilight joined Rainbow in trying to find an interesting bit of lint or a colorful book spine to hold her attention. “Erm…Coffee!” she blurted out, a mania creeping into her voice, “We need coffee! How does coffee sound, Rainbow Dash?!” Twilight’s eyes were too wide and her smile too big.
“Yes. Coffee.” The pair fled the bedroom and the taunting accusations of the sundered sheets.
Half a cup of coffee each guzzled too quickly left both mares in a subdued mood with rather scorched mouths as they sat across from each other at Twilight’s kitchen table. Running her punished tongue along the edge of her teeth, Twilight began talking rapidly. “Okay, okay, so neither of us remembers anything about what happened, that’s okay, we’re a pair of smart ponies, we can figure this out, it doesn’t mean anything bad happened, or…”
Their eyes met again and Twilight squeaked involuntarily. Rainbow quickly drank the rest of her mug, burning her mouth again.
Twilight muttered under her breath, blathering, “Alright, Twilight, calm down, breathe…” She paused, forcing several deep and slow breaths through her mouth and nervously pawing at her messy mane. The inhalations grew shallow and rapid. ‘Ponyfeathers, now I’m hyperventilating.’ She forced a sip of coffee and held her breath. “What the heck happened, Rainbow?”
“I dunno,” Rainbow mumbled, gingerly touching her tongue with a hoof. The fact that she couldn’t taste anything wasn’t half as weird as the complete lack of sensation. “It’s a mystery.”
Twilight froze mid sip, the heat slowly leaving her face and her eyes growing wide. “A mystery….That’s it!” She dropped her mug to the table and stood on her hindlegs, clapping her hooves together. “It’s a mystery, and we can treat it like one!”
Rainbow stopped prodding her lifeless tongue and quirked an eyebrow at the bouncing mare. “A mystery?”
“Yes! Two ponies wake up with no memories of the night before…All we need is a stolen necklace or a murder victim and it would be just like a Fetlock Holmes novel!”
Rainbow scratched her neck nervously. “Should, uh, should I be worried, Twi’?”
“What?” Twilight blinked, mulling over what Rainbow had meant. She started in surprise. “Oh! Uh, no, sorry, just getting carried away.” She coughed as her cheeks colored again, but she enthusiastically continued, “Mystery novels are exciting! They’re about solving cases just like this using logic. Logic, Rainbow! We’ll get to the bottom of this in no time!”
Rainbow Dash shook her head slowly, a low chuckle escaping her lips. “If you say so, egghead. But you know me, I read adventure stuff…”
Waving a hoof dismissively, a smirk crept onto Twilight’s muzzle. “Oh, you’ll be fine. You’ll soon know my method. It’s founded upon the observation of trifles. And don’t call me egghead or I’m gonna call you Dr. Trotson.”
“…Why?”
“No reason. Anyway, what do you remember from yesterday?” She sat back down and leaned forward dramatically, a piercing gaze directed at her friend. Rainbow Dash found herself inexplicably sweating.
“I didn’t do anything, I swear!”
Twilight giggled and covered her mouth with a hoof. “Rainbow!” she chided, a playful reproach in her tone, “I’m just trying to figure out where we should start looking!”
“Oh. Uh, I knew that.” She rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, grinning sheepishly. “Well, I woke up from a nap and went to Sugarcube Corner to meet Pinkie Pie about doing…something…and it’s kinda blank after that.”
Twilight pursed her lips, tapping a hoof against her chin. “Hmm…I remember going to Sugarcube Corner, too. I think it was to taste test something…and I kinda remember something about Sweet Apple Acres, maybe?”
“So…we should go to Sugarcube Corner and see if Pinkie knows what happened?”
“See, I told you you’d be fine! But before we go, we should look for clues.” Twilight’s eyes narrowed as she scanned the room. She got to her hooves and began stalking around the kitchen.
“Uhh…Twilight, what are you doing?” Rainbow got to her hooves and followed Twilight’s paranoid sweep of counters and cupboards.
“I’m looking for clues! There might be something out of the ordinary that can tell us about what happened: a receipt, or a photo, maybe even of a hoofprint! Oh, but I’m missing something…” Her face lit up and she rushed in a blur to a lower cabinet, half disappearing inside. “Where is it?” she mumbled, “I know it’s in here somewhere…”
“What’re you…looking…for…” Rainbow Dash’s gaze settled on Twilight’s rear end, which bobbed rhythmically as she dug through the deep cupboard. Her long tail twitched back and forth as she searched and her hips swayed every which way in a hypnotizing pattern. Rainbow slapped herself sharply and dragged her eyes off the dancing flank.
“Aha!” Twilight chimed. Rainbow turned back, hoping her blush wasn’t obvious. Twilight stood triumphantly with a large magnifying glass held in the glow of her magic. “Now I can really look for clues!” She trotted out into the main library, a giddy bounce in her steps. Rainbow followed closely behind, a mystified look plastered on her face.
The pegasus leaned against a bookshelf, forelegs crossed over her chest. She followed Twilight’s meticulous search idly, not bothering to stifle yawns. Occasionally the unicorn would search low to the floor and stick her rump in the air, forcing Rainbow to look quickly away and slap herself again. “C’mon, Twilight, this is boring.”
“Just a minute, almost done.” Finishing her careful coverage of the room, Twilight came up empty. It was not a surprise to the huffing Rainbow; the room was still spotless from Spike’s careful cleaning the previous day. “Alright, let’s check the bedroom now.”
Rainbow’s eyes widened. “What?” Color crept back into her face. She was getting sick of blushing; Rainbow Dash was way cooler than this day was letting her be.
“It’s the most likely place to find something. Come on, what’s the harm?” Rainbow took to the air and followed Twilight upstairs, her forelegs still crossed.
As they returned to Twilight’s bedroom, they found the stale odor of sweat had grown stronger. Rainbow Dash zipped over to Twilight’s desk, inhaling the comforting smell of old paper and ink.
“Good thinking, Rainbow, maybe I left a note…or…” Twilight was mesmerized. Taut, firm, flexing flanks hung suspended above her workspace as Rainbow bent well over the desk to half-heartedly shuffle papers around. Twilight’s throat bobbed uselessly a few times before she coughed and hurried up the loft stairs to inspect the tattered sheets. The strong musk clinging to the fibers did nothing to help clear her head.
“Hey, this might be something, Twi’.” Rainbow floated up from the lower level, holding up a hastily-scrawled note. “Says, ‘Big Macintosh’s barrel cart.’ That mean anything?”
“Hmm…” Twilight’s voice had a waver of excitement she wasn’t entirely comfortable hearing and she cleared her throat. “I remember that now. Applejack asked if I wouldn’t mind casting a spell on Big Mac’s cart to make it a little more resilient.” She turned her attention back to the sheets, repairing the tears with a glow of her horn and carefully straightening them to check for anything that might be caught inside. “I was supposed to do that yesterday, but I don’t remember…” She frowned and pulled a soft purple feather from the blanket, its quill lodged in the fibers. “This isn’t one of yours.”
Rainbow leaned down and scrutinized the feather. “Hey, that’s gotta be one of Cloud Kicker’s feathers! I was supposed to help set up a storm over Sweet Apple Acres yesterday, but…”
“Then it’s settled! We’ll go to Sweet Apple Acres to find out what happened!” Twilight floated the sheets back towards the bed before catching another whiff. Stifling a blush and the desire to stick her tongue out in disgust, she balled them up and dropped them in the hamper instead.
Rainbow’s brow furrowed. “What about Sugarcube Corner?”
“Clues, Rainbow! We’ve got to follow the clues.” She set off at a trot, magnifying glass bouncing merrily along beside her in a glow of magic.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and flew after Twilight. “Aren’t you at least gonna comb your mane first?”
“No time!” she shot over her shoulder, “And since when do you care about combing manes?”
Shrugging, Rainbow followed her friend down the stairs, out the front door, and into the streets of Ponyville.
Twilight made a futile effort to pat down her bangs while trying to not glare too venomously at Applejack. The farm pony tipped her Stetson back to wipe the sweat from her brow and said, “Well, gosh Twi’, I don’t know what to tell ya. You came ‘round here with RD a little after lunch and you cast your spell on Mac’s cart.” She cantered over to the next tree and gave it a swift buck, knocking the dead and weakened branches to the ground. “Which again, by the way, was mighty kind of ya. That colt’s rough on that hunk of kindlin’.”
Twilight vigorously rubbed her face with both hooves. “Okay, so Rainbow and I came here in the early afternoon. What did she do while I was casting my spell? And did I say anything about where I was going afterwards? Or what I’d been doing before?”
“Hmm?” Another solid kick sent branches tumbling. Twilight was standing too close and got several twigs caught in her mane. “Well, she was busy off in the clouds with that other weather pegasus. Ya didn’t say much to me; you seemed a bit distracted by RD. You two kept catchin’ each other’s eye and huffin’ about how long everything was taking.”
Twilight stopped picking tree out of her mane to stare at Applejack. “Uhh…any idea why?”
“You tell me; I was busy prunin’.”
“I told you, I don’t remember. Did, uh…we seem…” she coughed into her hoof, willing her voice to sound casual. “…Excited?”
Applejack paused mid-step drew herself up onto her hindlegs, setting her hooves on her hips. “Now just what in tarnation is all this about, Twi’? I get that you’re trying to figure out why the two of ya don’t remember nothin’, but you’re more skittish than a hen in a fox den.”
Twilight sighed, pinching the bridge of her muzzle with her hooves. “Listen, Applejack. It’s very important that I figure out what happened last night. Can I please ask for a little…discretion?” She weathered several seconds of a piercing glare before Applejack sighed and returned to bucking.
“Alright, Twi’. I didn’t catch everything said, but I gathered you and RD came here from somewhere together since ya both had errands ‘round the Acres. Both of ya were in a hurry and when you were done you both left together pretty quick. I don’t know where y’all went, but if I had to guess I’d say Fluttershy’s.”
“Why Fluttershy’s?”
“Because when I saw her in the mornin’ she said she was expecting your company in the early evenin’.” Applejack’s smirk was punctuated by a piston kick to a tree. Twilight sighed and shook her head, smiling despite herself.
“Thanks AJ. Sorry to be so…”
“Think nothin’ of it Sugarcube. Hope y’all figure out what happened. I’ll see you around, okay? And feel free to grab a brush in the can; your mane’s in a right state.”
Twilight stuck her lip out in an indignant pout. “First Rainbow and now you too, Applejack? No time for mane maintenance; I’m on a case!” Applejack shook her head and trotted off to the next section of trees, waving in farewell.
Looking up to the clouds hovering over the orchard, Twilight called, “Rainbow Dash! You find anything?” One of the smaller clouds jerked and a loud snort reached her ears. Fly-away mane came into view as Rainbow sheepish glanced over the side. “Were you sleeping?” Twilight groaned.
“Sorry Twi’,” Rainbow muttered, sailing down to land next to her friend. “There’s nothing up there; just a bunch of clouds. So are we going to Sugarcube Corner now?”
“First we’re checking Big Mac’s cart for clues.”
Rainbow huffed and followed Twilight through the orchard. The old wooden cart, its sun-bleached boards and countless hold-over repairs making it look like it was a sharp kick away from the scrap pile, came into view alongside the barn. Twilight climbed in and floated the magnifying glass in front of her face.
“C’mon, Twi’, Mac uses this thing every day. Do you really think you’re gonna find anything?” Rainbow Dash was most certainly frustrated by Twilight’s needless focus on meticulous detail and definitely not by how her thorough search highlighted her lithe and shapely body.
“Data! Data! Data!” Twilight barked, “I can’t make bricks without clay!” After a few minutes of searching, she straightened in triumph, shouting, “Aha!” She pulled a long hair from between two boards: long, straight, and light magenta. “This is one of my tail hairs!”
Grumbling, Rainbow asked, “…And? You cast a spell on this bucket yesterday, Twilight.”
Twilight cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks grow warm. “It’s…still evidence.”
“Yeah, that you were here yesterday,” she growled, “We already knew that, egghead. C’mon.” Rainbow turned and began flying back towards Ponyville.
Twilight glared after her. “Alright, alright. You don’t have to be nasty about it.”
Turning and catching the venom in Twilight’s eyes as her friend hopped down from the cart, Rainbow sighed. “I’m sorry, Twi’, I didn’t mean to snap. I’m just a little on edge…” Her gaze raked over Twilight’s body. Was the bookworm always this curvy? Shaking her head, she resumed flying back through the trees.
Twilight’s frown faded and she took a deep breath. “It’s alright; I understand. It’s been a…trying day.”
Rainbow nodded vehemently. “Sugarcube Corner now?”
“Nope, now we’re going to Fluttershy’s. Applejack said we went there afterwards.” She picked up her pace, heading out onto the dirt road weaving away from the farm.
“Fluttershy’s? I remember her asking me to move something, I think.”
“Yeah, and I remember something about chickens. Or maybe that was just Applejack’s colloquialism.”
“Colla-who?”
Twilight giggled at Rainbow Dash’s raised eyebrow and shook her head. Despite the circumstances, she always had fun spending time with her daredevil friend.
Sitting around the kitchen table, Twilight and Rainbow Dash watched Fluttershy pour three steaming cups of tea from her kettle. “Oh my,” she said, “It’s just awful you two don’t remember anything.” She carried the three saucers over on her back. “What can I do to help?”
“Well...” Twilight floated the cups around and took a sip. “Mmm, this is good tea. Do you like yours, Rainbow?”
Rainbow Dash glared at her cup, blowing a stray lock of mane away from her eyes. “I still can’t taste anything,” she muttered.
Twilight turned back to Fluttershy. “Anyway, we found out from Applejack that the two of us came over here towards the end of the day.”
“Oh yes, you came over because I needed help identifying some wounds on a little gopher that I found.”
Twilight nodded, her eyes bright with recognition. “That’s right! It had claw marks that could have been from either a chicken or a cockatrice! Since a victim of a cockatrice scratch turns to stone after three days, and nopony can tell the difference without a spell, you asked me to check!” She clapped her hooves excitedly. “I remember you asking me about that now!”
Fluttershy smiled gently, shifting her gaze over to Rainbow Dash. The daredevil tapped her hoof on the ground impatiently. “And I asked you to come over because I needed help moving all the bird seed out of my shed.”
“Sounds like something I’d do.” She took a gulp of her tea, wishing it tasted like something other than rubber.
“So what happened while we were here?” Twilight glanced obliquely at Rainbow Dash and read the same level apprehension on her friend’s face as she felt.
Fluttershy sipped at her tea, not catching the silent exchange of looks. “Well, you found out it was just a chicken, so I scolded the little critter for going after my birdies, and Rainbow moved all the bird seed as fast as she could.”
Rainbow cleared her throat. “Were we…acting strangely at all?” She glanced nervously at Twilight.
Fluttershy winced and let her mane fall in front of her face. “Well, not really…I mean, I guess you were both in a bit of a hurry…N-not that you didn’t do a good job or anything…” She took a deep breath and another drink. “And you both were very interested in what the other was doing…you kept checking on each other.” Twilight’s and Rainbow’s eyes met and then quickly glanced away.
Willing the heat out of her muzzle, Twilight coughed and cleared her throat. “Well, uh, do you know where we went after we finished?”
“Oh, yes.” A bit of strength had returned to Fluttershy’s voice. “You said Rarity had asked the two of you to stop by on your way over from the farm.”
Sighing, they both stood thanked Fluttershy for the tea. Their host led them to the door and said, “Sorry I couldn’t be more help. Twilight, before you go…do you want to borrow a brush?”
Twilight groaned as they stepped outside. “Why does everypony keep asking me that?”
“N-no reason.” The two pegasi shared a glance and couldn’t help but grin. Fluttershy gave them a small wave and closed the door.
Turning from the cottage, Rainbow Dash’s voice grew heavy. “Sugarcube Corner or Carousel Boutique?”
Straightening, an excited gleam entered Twilight’s eyes. “Let me check the yard first!” Twilight brandished her magnifying glass and rushed over to the pile of bird seed canvas bags.
Rainbow huffed. “This again?”
“There is nothing like first-hoof evidence, Rainbow.” Rustling through the pile, she let out a gasp. “One of them was opened! Looks like it was torn open, too. But it’s such a neat hole; if it was an animal they wouldn’t have been so careful! This is a clue for sure! What do you think it could mean, Rainbow?” Turning to face her companion, Twilight’s face grew puzzled. Rainbow Dash was doing her best to look as small as possible, biting her trembling lower lip. “What? What’s wrong?”
A sharp burst of a snort escaped Rainbow’s snout and she fell over on her side laughing with all four legs kicking and waving wildly Twilight’s glare slowly darkened and as the peals resolved to hitches and chuckles she was seething; half of her ire directed at the cackling pegasus for making her feel like she was on the receiving end of a joke she didn’t get, and half at herself for finding the spectacle of Rainbow Dash’s mirth to be adorable.
“What can I say, Twi’?” she struggled out through choked giggles, “I like the taste of bird seed.”
Twilight’s eye twitched. In a burst of magical energy, her magnifying glass sailed above the Everfree Forest. Its glass lens sent glints of reflected light back into Twilight’s vision as it tumbled end over end through the sky. Nearly a full minute past the time a reasonable toss would have landed, a small stream of birds took to the air far, far inside the forest.
“Come on, Dr. Trotson; the game is still ahoof,” Twilight snapped, marching resolutely out of the yard.
Rainbow Dash leapt into the air, sailing comfortably above her friend. “Ah c’mon, I called you egghead way back on the farm! No fair!”
Twilight knocked on the door to Carousel Boutique. Rarity’s greeting died in her throat as she beheld Twilight’s too wide, twitching eyes and grimace of a grin. The fashionista’s gaze flitted to the bored pegasus and back before she forced a smile and tentatively said, “Erm, hello there, Twilight, Rainbow. Is there something I can help you with?”
Twilight spoke through grit teeth, her voice unnaturally high and singsong. “Hiii Rarityyyy. Rainbow Dash and I can’t seem to remember anything about yesterday afternoon and we’re trying to figure out what happened. We’ve been all over the place. There’s a mystery to solve, and I am the last and highest court of appeal in detection.”
“Oh, dear.” Rarity glanced at Rainbow Dash. “How long has she been like this?”
Rainbow exhaled a warm breath on the front of her hoof and wiped the limb on her chest. “Since she threw her magnifying glass all the way to Zecora’s.”
“Come on in, Twilight,” she said soothingly, “You look like you could use a cup of chamomile tea, and a comb for your mane.” Twilight’s eye twitched. “Perhaps a few cups.”
Wrapped in a blanket with a cup of tea floating in front of her, Twilight’s mania passed in hitches and starts. Rainbow Dash and Rarity spoke quietly on the far side of the room since her frantic giggling was too unsettling to stand very close.
Rarity dropped her voice. “So what’s going on, Rainbow dear?”
Leaning against the wall and crossing both sets of legs, Rainbow said, “Well, Twi’ and I woke up this morning and we can’t remember anything from early afternoon yesterday on. Fluttershy said we came over here after helping her out some.”
Rarity nodded. “Indeed you did; you stopped by because I was looking for an opinion on a bonnet. Well, it was Twilight I asked, but you two seemed rather inseparable at the time, so you tagged along as well.”
Rainbow straightened, her eyes widening and ears laying flat. “So, uh, what happened?”
Frowning, Rarity mused, “Well, that’s the thing. You both came by and were rather distracted. You kept looking at each other like you were waiting for something to happen. I asked if Twilight wanted to reschedule, but she assured me everything was alright.”
Rainbow thought she might chew through her lower lip. She managed to squeak out, “And then?”
The squeak caught Twilight’s attention. She came back into lucidity as she watched her two friends speaking together and her eyes lingered over the athletic mare’s muscular frame. Watching her friend’s shoulders and haunches flex and relax with nervous energy was more soothing to her frazzled nerves than the tea.
“Well, I went into the back to fetch the bonnet and when I returned you were both gone. I caught sight of you flying away and carrying Twilight.”
Rainbow’s throat was very dry. “Did, uh, you see where we were going?”
Rarity’s brow had slowly knit throughout the conversation with confusion more and more evident on her voice and features. “Well, no, but you were going in the direction of the library.”
Rainbow slowly turned around and cantered over to Twilight while Rarity silently watching her movements. Twilight’s breathing had evened out and the twitch had left her eye. Rainbow Dash swallowed thickly. “C’mon Twi’, let’s get to Sugarcube Corner.”
“But…” her voice wavered, “Clues…”
Rainbow Dash leaned in close, her voice barely above a whisper. “After not being able to keep our eyes off each other, we apparently couldn’t wait five minutes to give Rares an opinion on a hat before I flew you to the library as quickly as possible. I dunno about you, but I kinda want to get the heck outta here before she starts asking questions.”
Twilight’s eyes were very wide and her pupils very small. She frantically waved a hoof over her friend’s shoulder, babbling brightly, “Thanks for your help Rarity! We’ll just get out of your mane now!”
“Oh wait a moment, before you go would you mind giving me your opinion on the—” the two mares charged out of the shop, the door slamming shut behind them, “—bonnet?”
The bell over the door tinkled brightly as Rainbow Dash and Twilight entered the bakery. The frantic gallop from Carousel Boutique had taken its toll on both of them. Already mentally frayed, the sprint brought them close to comatose; each step they took was heavy, their manes were tangled rat’s nests, and dark bags had formed under their eyes. Pinkie Pie waved at them, bouncing up and down behind the counter. “Dashie! Twilight! Did you two make it home okay last night?”
Their fatigue fell away as they stood up straight. “You know what happened to us yesterday?” they asked in unison.
“Of course!” she trilled, leaping over the counter to join them. “You came by to try my top secret, mega-mystery donuts!”
Switching their focus back and forth between the contented grin on Pinkie’s face and their mirrored expressions of bewilderment did not answer any questions. “…Why don’t we remember anything?” they prompted, still in sync.
Pinkie Pie giggled. “They’re top secret! I needed your opinion without you knowing what they tasted like, so you cast a spell to make sure you both forgot!” The two mares sat on their haunches abruptly. “You even wrote yourself a note, silly. Look!” Pinkie reached behind Twilight’s ear and pulled a bundled piece of parchment out of Twilight’s messy mane. Twilight caught the note in her magic and unfurled it, reading it aloud.
“Dear Future Twilight,
“You are probably going to be very confused when you read this. Do not worry; nothing bad has happened. To avoid breaching Pinkie Pie’s Non-Disclosure Agreement, I modified the memory wiping spell to have a time delay and limited span. You and Rainbow Dash should have had enough time to finish your errands for the day before it activates and renders you both unconscious. You planned to keep an eye on each other, so you could get somewhere comfortable when the magic began to work. If Rainbow’s not there with you, you should probably check on her and make sure she’s okay and not confused. You also might want to check on Big Mac’s cart and Fluttershy’s gopher in case I made a mistake and the spell kicked in before you had a chance to finish.
“I feel sorry for you, Future Twilight, if only because these donuts smell heavenly.
“Fondest regards,
“Past Twilight.”
Below the main missive, a hastily scrawled addendum read, ‘Rarity’s hat.’ Twilight re-rolled the note and blinked rapidly.
“So we…” Rainbow stammered. “What uh, why was the bed so…sweaty?”
Pinkie let out a short bark of startled laughter. “Oh my gosh! You two woke up together and…Oh my gosh, you didn’t find the note and…” She fell to the floor, hysteric peals of laughter ripping through her. “Oh, I wish I could’ve seen your faces!” She wiped at her eyes, rolling back and forth. Twilight and Rainbow glared daggers. “I’m not surprised your bed stank, Twilight!” she struggled out through frantic cackles, “Dashie spent all yesterday practicing stunts and then running errands!”
Silently, the two embarrassed, disheveled, and very annoyed mares got to their hooves and left Pinkie to her mirth. As the door closed behind them they heard a muffled scream of, “Best. Accidental. Prank. Ever!” They silently walked the short distance to the library, breathing a sigh of relief as they shut themselves away from the scheming world.
Spike glanced up from the pile of books he was sorting. “Oh hey, Twilight! I was wondering where you went off to. When you came in last night you asked me to remind you about the note you tucked behind your ear.”
Twilight’s eye twitch was back.
Twilight and Rainbow Dash sat across from each other at the kitchen table sipping coffee. To Rainbow’s pleasant surprise, she found she could taste her drink. Neither mare would let their eyes meet as they sat, searching around the room for something else to stare at. “So…” Twilight began.
“Yeah…” Rainbow agreed.
“That was…”
“Awful?”
“Yeah. Let’s go with awful.” The conversation died off as they sipped their drinks. Twilight bit her lip and cleared her throat to break the silence. “…Well, at least we know nothing…happened.”
Rainbow’s ears twitched. Twilight’s voice was measured and even, but the daredevil had sharp hearing, even for a pegasus. Twilight had done her best to mask her tone, but she had distinctly caught a hint of disappointment. She watched Twilight carefully, willing herself into speech. “…Twilight?”
“Yes?”
Rainbow fell back into silence, staring into the dregs of her cup. “…I’m kinda glad nothing happened, because…” she bit her lip and creased her brow, “…because I wouldn’t want to’ve done something like that and forgotten about it. Not, uh, not with you.” She chanced a look up to find Twilight focused on her. There was surprise on the mare’s face, but no anger or disgust. She pushed herself to continue. “I mean, uh, I knew what it looked like, so I’ve kinda been…thinking about it…all day…and I think I might want to…maybe…” Twilight’s eyes widened. Rainbow’s face grew heated and her nerve broke, so she looked back into her coffee, quickly muttering, “I-I’m sorry; you’ve been embarrassed enough today, Twi’.”
Twilight stood and stepped carefully around the table. She rested her hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder and cleared her throat quietly. “I’ve, uh…been thinking about it, too.”
Rainbow slowly reached up and gently held the hoof on her shoulder. Eyes still fixed inside her mug, she said in halting words, “…Do you think that, uh…that there might be something there?”
“I think the only way we can find out for sure…” a hoof caught the side of Rainbow’s face and gently drew her eye to eye with the blushing unicorn. “…is to collect evidence.”
For several moments, both mares held each other’s gaze. Rainbow Dash reached up tentatively and cupped Twilight’s face in her hooves, softly stroking the short hairs of the mare’s coat. Apprehension on both of their faces, they closed the gap between their muzzles skittishly. Inhaling deeply, Rainbow steeled her resolve, closed her eyes, and pushed through the remaining inch of space.
Twilight’s lips were soft and gentle. The smell of lilacs teasing her snout, Rainbow felt Twilight’s hoof slide around her neck, and run through her mane. She wrapped her own hooves around the mare and pulled their chests coat to coat, feeling Twilight’s fluttery heart beat against her own. The hoof in her mane and warm breaths against her muzzle drew a rumbling moan from her throat and she hugged Twilight tighter.
Twilight broke the kiss with a panted sigh. She had been dragged onto Rainbow’s lap in the embrace and she rested her forehead against the mare’s, her half-lidded gaze meeting Rainbow’s dazed eyes. “Wow…” she breathed.
“Yeah…”
Stroking fly-away mane, a wobbly smile graced her lips. “That was…”
“Yeah…”
Twilight cleared her throat and a playful, teasing tone crept into her voice. “I think we’re gonna need to collect a lot more evidence like that before we have any solid findings. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.”
Rainbow Dash smirked, running a hoof along Twilight’s back. “I need to start reading mysteries.”
“I can recommend a good starting place. Say, over dinner?”
Foreheads still pressed together, Rainbow leaned up and pecked the unicorn on the lips. “Sounds great, egghead.”
Grinning, Twilight kissed her back. Standing up and turning around, she flicked Rainbow on the snout with her tail. “Come, Trotson, come! The game is ahoof. Not a word! Onto your wings and come!” She cantered out of the kitchen.
Chuckling, Rainbow rubbed her snout and followed Twilight into the main library. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop callin’ you egghead!” She smiled affectionately at her dinner date and winked. “We’ve got a new mystery to solve anyway.”
A gleam of interest lit up Twilight’s eyes. “Oh?”
“Yeah. Let’s call this one ‘Twilight Holmes and Rainbow Trotson in the case of: what the heck are we gonna tell the girls when they ask how we started dating?’ I think I’ve handled enough embarrassment to last a lifetime already.”
Twilight shrugged nonchalantly. “We’ll just tell them we kissed over coffee; Pinkie Pie’s bound by her own NDA anyway.”
Grinning, Rainbow exclaimed, “Twi’, that’s perfect! Excellent!”
“Elementary,” Twilight concurred with a smirk.
Author's Note
Almost exactly six months after its initial release, here is It's Elementary, My Dear Rainbow, re-edited to flow better and read easier. Not much has changed, but if you would like to see the original version, I saved it here.
And so long as we're linking other versions, here's an Ebonics version 'translated' by Timaeus. It's worth reading, especially the scene with Fluttershy. A delicious sampling:
“Yo well, you found out it wuz just uh chickn n` corn bread, so ah scolded da little critter fo' going afta muh motha fuckin birdies, an' Rainbow moved all da bird seed as fast as she could jus' like Orenthawl James.”
Thanks for reading.
