Thank You for Cribbing
By John Derk
“Cribbing: when a pony or other equine clamps onto an object such as a fence board or table top with her incisors, arches her neck, pulls against the object and sucks in air,” a little white unicorn read aloud from a book entitled, “Stable Vices.”
One of the little ponies had already arched her neck high, so that the pink bowtie on her red mane sat on the top of her adorable ivory colored frame; hovering her mouth above the fence board before them.
“Wait for us Apple Bloom!” the white unicorn on her right squeaked.
“I dunno girls,” Apple Bloom said, “They say it’s bad fer ya.”
“Shady Daze told me it makes you dizzy in a way that feels good,” said the orange pegasus filly on her left.
“He’s so cool!” said Sweetie Belle wistfully.
“You wouldn’t be...” the pegasus relished her words, “chicken?”
Apple Bloom frowned and shoved her winged filly friend.
“Ahlright ever’pony,” the earth pony filly said, “awltogether naw.”
The three fillies bit the fence board in unison, arched their necks, and sucked in air like greedily like it might run out.
After a time Apple Bloom raised her head.
“Whoa! Mah head feels funny!”
Through a wave of sparkles before her eyes, she looked to her companions who were still chomping the fence post, sucking air greedily.
“Y’all feel it too?”
“Ah-huh!” her friends both agreed through the board between their teeth.
“Great apples! This head rush makes you girls look all puhffy lah’k!” Apple Bloom giggled.
No response came from her friends.
“Yuh shud prolly stop er yull turn to bulloons! ... Scootaloo? Sweetie Belle?”
Still nothing.
She leaned in between her friends to look at their faces. To her left, the orange coated pegasus filly with a cerise colored mane named Scootaloo had an expression crossed between sleepy and giddy. To her right, the white unicorn filly with the pink and purple mane by the name of Sweetie Bell, had her big green eyes transfixed on the grass in front of her. Did the grass suddenly fascinate her?
Apple Bloom didn’t know whether to pry them away or join them again.
Decision, however, was usurped by a sudden push on the back of her head that drove her forehead into the fence board so hard it knocked the board off the posts on either side; for it wasn’t braced in their favour.
The face-hurt Apple Bloom turned to her offenders: a pink filly who wore a diamond encrusted tiara on her purple and white striped mane, and a grey filly, with purple glasses and a silver mane that shined like a spoon. Their names were unsurprisingly Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
“What’d ya do that fer?” Apple Bloom shouted at them.
“You’re cribbing,” spat Silver Spoon.
“Celestia hates cribbers!” Diamond Tiara, “have fun losing all your teeth!”
“I’m not a cribber!” Apple Bloom shouted snout-to-snout at Diamond Tiara as a weird shadow cast itself over her, dimming the sparkling diamonds.
Diamond Tiara looked up with a sickly satisfied grin.
“Well your friends sure are... hooked!” she giggled, immediately joined by Silver Spoon.
Apple Bloom looked up to see Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle floating in the sky by their bloated balloon bodies, teeth still clamped onto the fence board.
“Girls?”
The wind picked up.
“Weeeeeeee!” squeaked Sweetie Belle.
“Hahahaha!” laughed Scootaloo.
“No, no, NO!” Apple Bloom called after them, but off they flew towards Ponyville.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon fell to the ground laughing uncontrollably, but this grating sound faded behind Apple Bloom as she chased after the white and orange, balloon resembling, best friends of hers.
Racing through apple trees in full gallop, Apple Bloom looked only skyward to keep track of the floating fillies in the evenly spaced gaps of sky that were offered by the neat rows of apple trees. Seldom did she look at the road ahead, for it was as straight as the rows of trees.
But as the trees of the orchard broke away to reveal the open country, a crossroads presented a near-disaster in the form of a mysterious vehicle that screeched to a halt. Apple Bloom winced with eyes tight shut and turned away from the sound.
“Oh dear! Stop!” bellowed a male voice.
“Deer? Where?” said a second male voice.
These voices were familiar. Apple Bloom opened her eyes to confirm her suspicion, and first beheld a carriage that needed no pulling of horse or pony. And sure as her memory informed her, the two unicorns who nearly drove the machine over her were stallions with ivory coats, red manes and bright green eyes: the twin brothers Flam and Flam, known widely as the Flim Flam Brothers.
When last she’d seen them, they drove a roving factory of apple cider by means of their unicorn magic. Today they drove a horseless carriage which rumbled and sputtered where it stood.
The one with the mustache tilted his hat up and turned to his clean shaven brother, and said, “No not ‘Oh a deer,’ I said ‘Oh dear!’ You nearly ran that that filly over!”
“She came out of nowhere!” the clean shaven, hatless unicorn whose horn glowed with green magic, looked at Apple Bloom, “say... You’re that rascal little sister of Applejack! I outta teach you not to run onto the road without looking both ways!”
A great round shape blotted out the sun in Apple Bloom’s eyes, and she thought her friends had blown above the road. But as she looked up, she saw a single grey stallion inflated exactly like Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, and with a plank in his own mouth as well. The plank in his teeth had a rope attached which was tied to the back of the horseless carriage
“Who’s that?” she asked with accusation in her tone.
“None of your business!” the mustache wearing passenger retorted.
“Now move, or I will run you over,” said the clean shaven driver.
A loud and squeaky “Weeeee!” announced Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom saw her and Scootaloo as they came into view again, many more miles away.
“Help me catch them!”
“No!”
“Ah’ll tell ever’pony ‘bout that!” Apple Bloom shouted and pointed at the grey stallion.
“I think not!” the passenger twirled his mustache, “Ram her Flim!”
Flim’s horn glowed brighter and the rumbling grew louder.
“Rodger Flam!”
The vehicle charged forward towards her and she felt as if time had slowed down. An image flashed in her mind of when she had trained in karate and learned a powerful airborne attack that she executed in perfect form but failed in the “powerful” aspect for having not moved the punching bag an inch. Her reflexes took over to perform once again this attack and she leaped into a great flying kick. She found her mark just as she had in class, but this time the impact was fully felt by her target.
Crack!
Flim’s head was flung back where head-supports had not yet been invented and the green light of his magic blinked out. The unconscious stallion’s forehooves fell from the wheel that became Apple Bloom’s backrest upon recovering from the attack; causing the vehicle to veer sharply toward the ditch. Flam quickly steered it back, the motion of which also brought Apple Bloom face to face with him.
Flam’s hat was off. His pale horn glowed bright green which his furious eyes reflected.
With barred teeth he yelled, “I will end you!”
And Apple Bloom shouted back, “Ah know karate!”
Flam’s hoof rose to strike, so she proved her karate again with a jab to the eye. Flam blindly slashed about with his glowing horn, so she kicked him under the jaw with a rear hoof. And finally, while he was stunned, she head butted him on the side of his face. Though it was still not enough to knock him out, Flam was so dazed out of his mind that he could do no more than groan and babble things like, “buy some apples.”
His horn remained aglow.
A cry of alarm from above prevented any relishing of this victory for Apple Bloom, and she realised the uncontrolled carriage was headed once again toward the ditch.
Quickly she grabbed the wheel and began twisting; not the right direction at first, but the initial panic morphed to a focused fear and she turned it the other way. Her head, and those of the beaten up unicorns, were jerked left to right with the overcompensating turns, until finally she had the vehicle going straight. And straight ahead she saw her friends... and Ponyville.
Apple Bloom’s quick examination of the vehicle interior didn’t provide an obvious clue on how to slow down. Her fear rose with the approach of her village, which her friends would reach before she did.
Scootaloo’s dumb laugher could be heard now. Sweetie Belle continued to squeal a blissful, “Weee!” above chimney tops of the Ponyville houses.
“Move ditz! Get out the way!”
Apple Bloom yelled warnings as she swerved through ponies in the rustic town’s roads. Ponies dashed left and right, giving shrieks of alarm. Just near a tree house called Library, she saw Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle hovering, no longer travelling or giggling.
Down the streets behind her, she heard a gust of wind approach.
No!
Her instinct told her hitting Flam in the head would speed the carriage up.
It did.
The bloated fillies’ eyes widened upon seeing a great, inflated, grey stallion flying towards them, dragged through the air by the machine Apple Bloom drove.
Using the senior cribber to snag the board between them, the only task that remained was to slow down. And she knew just the mud pit for it. It was a splat in the right direction that stopped the mechanical carriage. Pigs bathing nearby squealed in alarm. Luckily none were hit.
“Good thing they keep this pit so close to town, though Ah’ve no idea why,” Apple Bloom reflected, and quickly return to urgent business. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle could still become un-snagged from the puffed stallion.
Having walked on the rope from the car and along the uphill climb on the mud pit’s bank, Apple Bloom’s incisors clamped down again on the fence board that started her misadventure. She unhooked them from the inflated stranger and continued climbing (he wasn’t going anywhere).
She needed to get her friends indoors.
Apple Bloom’s first thought was the library tree house where Twilight lived. She’d know what to do.
Twilight, the purple unicorn, was already waiting in front of her door. A similarly purple, baby dragon rolled on the ground laughing next to her. Twilight didn’t share his sense of humor. Neither did Apple Bloom, but her bloated companions couldn’t help giggling.
“I’m missing a book called ‘Stable Vices,’” Twilight said, holding in her anger, “and here you three are—” she spat her next word, “cribbing!”
“Shorry,” the three fillies responded through the board in their mouths.
“We saw you guys floating near our window!” the little dragon said through laugher, “you made me choke on my toothpaste!” He howled in laugher and Twilight gave him a soft kick.
“Spike! Don’t encourage them!” she hissed, and then she let out a sigh. “Come inside.”
Apple Bloom followed the purple mare into the tree house, stopping when the lengthwise fencepost didn’t fit and caused her friends to bonk their heads on the doorframe.
“Bwahahaha!” laughed Spike, “Here, let me get that for you.”
Spike took the board from Apple Bloom’s mouth and turned it to get the floating fillies inside.
Apple Bloom bowed her head as she followed Spike through the door, dreading the lecturing she knew she was in for.
***
“...And even if you don’t over crib yourself into a balloon and get blown Celestia knows where,” Twilight paused for breath, “you can get woodworms in your teeth!”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, who’d been returned to their normal state from a deflation spell courtesy of the stern purple unicorn, finally showed some regret for their actions with some sheepish apologies. Apple Bloom had long since started sobbing and Spike was graciously providing tissue after tissue to suite her needs.
“Do you understand me girls?”
“Uh-huh,” they all nodded.
A knock from a strong hoof wrapped the door and it opened before any response.
“Can ya help us with somethin’ Twi?” asked an orange mare with a long blonde mane beset with a cowgirl hat.
“Applejack!”
Apple Bloom cried out in joy and ran to her tall, strong, older sister.
“Aww, there, there,” Applejack said soothingly, and forehoof around her, “Didja git a cutie mark fer yer drivin’ skills at least?”
“No,” Apple Bloom sniffed, “Ah crashed.”
“What do you need?” asked Twilight.
“Can ya deflate one more please?” Applejack replied with a hint of annoyance directed to the “one more,” she referred to.
“We have a hospital,” Twilight replied.
A white unicorn mare with a beautifully styled purple mane burst in beside Applejack.
“Hospitality Twilight!” she whined, “he’s our lawyer and there’s been an attempt on his life!”
Sweetie Belle squeaked at seeing her older sister, “Rarity!” and got up to greet her like Apple Bloom had done, but fell back down in her dizziness. “Hi.”
Rarity trotted over to coddle her.
“Oh, Sweetie Belle, you trouble maker!”
Scootaloo scuffed her hooves.
“Okay, but the next cribber goes to the hospital!” Twilight said, trotting outside where the inflated stallion was tied to the fence. A pink light flashed through the door from outside and everyone heard a sound like air slowly being let out of a balloon.
“Who’s that?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Our defence attorney,” Rarity stated, “he’s going to counter the Flim Flam Brother’s appeal to have all fence boards in Ponyville painted with ghastly, graphic images of cribbers being bloated and losing all their teeth.”
“At the owner’s expense!” Applejack added, “which’d put us in th’ poor house, seein’ as the majority o’ fences are Apple Family Property.”
“Oh Apple Bloom!” Rarity rushed over to give her a hug, “thank you for saving my sister! And thank you especially for saving our lawyer!” (Sweetie Belle had zoned out before hearing that) “We must keep those images off the picket fences Ponyville.”
“Can’t do it without ol’ forked tongue,” Applejack grumbled.
“Silver Tongue, actually,” said a smoky but gentile voice at the door.
A gaunt grey earth pony with a dishevelled silver mane stepped in, followed by Twilight.
Applejack’s stance turned aggressive as she addressed the stallion, “Yall got some explanin’ ta do, an’ none of yer silver-tongued lies!”
“Applejack,” Rarity chided, “mind your manners or we’ll lose him.”
“Quite alright Ms. Rarity, Ms. Applejack has every right to be angry with me,” he said, bowing his head a little, “I apologize for not being forthright about my cribbing addiction. Though I can manage alright without turning into a balloon—” he paused for a dry coughing fit, “—may I have some water please? I’ve had that plank in my mouth for five hours and I’m quite out of saliva.”
“Five?!” Twilight and Applejack exclaimed.
“You poor thing!” Rarity rushed into the kitchen.
“Yes. And my jaws are killing me.”
Silver Tongue took a seat and massaged his jaw. Rarity returned with a tall glass of water which he took with a mix of swiftness and grace. Likewise he drank.
Twilight was incredulous, “No pony could survive that!”
“That was what Flim and Flam were betting on.”
He gave his jaw a loud crack.
“You’d have to have been a cribber since you were a colt in order to survive being bloated so long,” Twilight accused with hoof pointing rudely in his face.
Rarity swatted Twilight’s hoof down.
“Manners Twilight!” Rarity snapped, “thank Celestia he was used to cribbing or he’d be... dead.”
He cleared his throat, “I’m not proud to be a cribber, but I am. I’ve lost a couple teeth to woodworms,” he smiled wryly and toothy enough to show off three silver teeth, “And one to some self-righteous bullies.”
Squabbling near the door heralded the arrival of another stallion who ushered in two fillies with a push from his snout: Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
“Speaking of bullies!” shouted Scootaloo.
“Now apologize!” ordered the tan coated stallion with a slick, black mane, wearing a tie with a dollar sign on it, and bearing a cutie mark of three bags of money.
“Sorry,” said the two fillies reluctantly.
“No daughter of mine should EVER use physical aggression to bully others!” the slick stallion said hotly to Diamond Tiara.
“And my Silver Spoon?” Silver Tongue asked the other stallion.
“Indeed.”
“Silver Spoon! No daughter of mine should ever be the offender! I’m appalled.”
“Apple Bloom wouldn’t have found you otherwise,” Silver Spoon muttered, scuffing her hooves.
The grey stallion gave Apple Bloom a look she’d only seen from another adult, who was a zebra, like she was their equal.
“Thank you for saving my life Apple Bloom,” said he.
“Yer, uh, welcome sir.”
“And though I must advise you never to take up cribbing, it is my entire argument to Flim and Flam that the freedom to make inferior choices is true freedom, and respecting freedom creates a responsible society. Doing right means choosing right, and having the choice made for you by propaganda contains no virtue at all. I believe that respecting pony folk’s intelligence encourages the growth of intellect, and if in all your knowledge you still decide to crib—and the same goes for you Silver Spoon—I’ll buy you a flavoured plank when you’re an all grown up mare.”
Hooves clopped all over the library in approval. Spike clapped.
“Now that’s a speech that’ll win in court for sure!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Well I’ll be,” Applejack sighed, “if I’m not rootin’ for a rotten cribber! What irony that cribbin’ resulted in Flam and Flam’s downfall. Thank you!”
“Yes,” Rarity cheered, “thank you for cribbing!”
~fin.
