Shadowmere

"I walk alone..." Shadowmere finished his song as he continued to trudge down the train tracks from Canterlot to where he hoped Ponyville should be. He couldn't work out why he had started singing, he had a terrible voice, but it kept his mind occupied for the walk. The forests were filled with small creatures similar to the forests of Falkreath and the trees gave  a sense of familiarity to the place.

The forest was still too bright for his liking however, even in the twilight that was beginning to settle in over the treetops. I just hope Daedra don't have Night Eye... he thought to himself. The last thing he needed right now was a Dremora warband leaping from the trees onto the tracks as the battle that would ensue would surely damage the rails beyond use and the train was key to the plan he was formulating to retake Canterlot after the portal to Nirn was closed, causing Dagon to close his gates as there would be no reason to continue the campaign against Equestria and he could finally settle down to the peace he had long needed.

No more hunters, worries about whether the cave you were sleeping in was inhabited by Frostbite Spiders (there was nothIng worse that being woken as a massive arachnid spat acid at your face and it had taken years for the nightmares to recede), whether goats were edible or not and he could finally rest his endless quest of increasing the number of bunnies he had slaughtered for no reason other than he could.

He was beginning to understand why the Princesses had teleported directly to Ponyville rather than taking the train or flying. Distances were much larger here than in Skyrim, or indeed all of Nirn excluding the Illiac Bay, which was utterly vast compared to the rest of Tamriel.

Wait... Teleportation? Could the Wabbaspear teleport him directly to Ponyville like one of the legendary maps of Fast Travel?

Well... There was only one way to find out.

Shadowmere imagined himself standing in Twilight's basement, just in front of the reverse-engineered shock fence he created. He felt the magic flow through the staff, everything felt right.

Unfortunately, he didn't count on the Wabbaspear's desire to 'help', or, rather, do exactly what you said but misinterpret the directions a little. For the Wabbaspear, this meant moving the release point a few miles up and about 21.1 meters to the left.

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Sheogorath was sunbathing on the moon. After all, there's nothing better to do when you're waiting for all the atmospheric buffering that was blocking his view of the various events on Equestria while Dagon's forces attempted to pound the Isles into small shards of madness. He'd also run out of cheese from his cheese storehouse. He knew which was more important- the lack of cheese he was currently experiencing.

Normally he would have used the Wabbajackspear to create some more, but he'd lent that to Shadowmere for the sole purpose of providing comic relief to the ponies of Equestria when it was least required and therefore most needed. That ment his main tool of cheese making and weapon of mass destruction was out of the picture, so he had to be a bit more creative.

That ment doing something radical. He stared at the moon he was sunbathing on for a while before a smile lit up his normally crazy but unsmiling  face.

This was not a happy smile, it was one of the psycho killer smiles that signalled someone was just about to do something completely and utterly mad. (Or in Sheograth's case, the normal thing to do.)

He pointed at the moon, and yelled in a voice that would rival Luna's Cantelot voice for sheer power and volume "CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!"

Slowly the moon began to turn yellow before a sudden yellow tidal wave of cheese sauce swamped the moon, soaking into it and turning the formerly grey and rocky moon into a wonderland of cheese stacks, cheese string grass, Swiss cheese caves and cheese atronachs.

Pulling a decently sized chunk out of the ground, he sniffed it, decided it was edible, and became the first being in the multiverse to actually eat moon cheese.

"And back to the action after the break..." Sheogorath collapsed back into his deck chair, pleased to hear the end of the atmospheric buffering.

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"He...

"He what?"

Nightwing shrunk back before the angry form of Princess Luna.

"He... He is missing in action."

"What?" Luna lowered her head to the Commander's eyes. "You will tell me everything that happened, Commander." Luna led Nightwing towards the other end of the platform, near Connor, where the two engaged in a staring match.

Connor backed away from the staring match. "Gotta go, secure my skooma and ale stash from the pink one.."

The Mane six stared at each other in confusion, except for Pinkie who suddenly perked up and charged off towards the library.

Connor facepalmed. "And save the world from death by energy." Connor reached into one of the many pockets on the rucksack he carried and pulled out a dark green bottle. "Here goes." He popped the cork out of the bottle of Skooma, drank it, and sprinted off at high speed in chase of Pinkie while the other Elements simply looked confused and began to either wander back to their homes, leaving Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armour standing on the bitterly cold platform.

"Me and Cadence should return to the Crystal Empire, check these Daedra haven't hijacked the emotional broadcasters. Permission to take the survivors of the Royal Guard present in the rearguard with me, give them time to recover?"

Celestia nodded. "Take all the wounded who cannot fight as well. The rest will remain here. I doubt these Daedra will strike the Crystal Empire, now they have a set target."

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Shadowmere facehoofed. He should have known better than to use the Wabbaspear to teleport. "By Sithis! You were supposed to help, not get me killed, damned staff!" he yelled at the staff, but the words were lost in the fall. He had at best a few minutes, at worst one or two, to figure out what to do with the Wabbaspear to spare himself from being splattered into horse meat in the middle of town.

Fortunately, he had held onto the Wabbaspear during the dizzying teleportation- he wouldn't be doing that again, even if there was no risk of ending up as a bloody mess. The Princesses obviously had more practice at this sort of thing, although they probabaly didn't have a Staff of Madness to 'help' them.

Spinning so his head was pointing up rather than down, Shadowmere did the only thing you could do in a situation like this: start throwing magic around and hoping for the best. Unfortunately, when throwing magic around with the Wabbaspear,  the worst is bound to happen.

He yelled "I regret nothing!" as he began throwing out red flares of magical light from the Wabbaspear.

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Celestia watched in fascination and curiosity as the red flares of magic appeared in the sky and began to fall towards Ponyville. Twilight stood beside her, telescope extended. "What are they?" She whispered quietly to her mentor.

"I have no idea." The mentor and student continued to watch as the first of the flares came smashing into the ground.

What happened next was surprising.

A small, cupcake-like object was left at the heart of the flares crash site when Pinkie leaped over the two of them before leaping again, rugby-tackling the cupcake while yelling, predictably, "CUPCAKE!" at the top of her lungs.

Connor vaulted over Twilight, shoving her violently to the floor, chasing Pinkie, yelling "Give me my Sko- Hey, that's my Sweetroll!" before attempting to shove the pink bundle of pony from atop the Sweetroll.

As the other flares hit the ground, other things happened. Several were reflected back into the sky for unknown reasons, others did nothing. One covered the entire square in a mass of watermelons while another caused a flock of sheep to randomly appear in Sweet Apple Acres which began happily devouring every apple they could find.

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Shadowmere looked down at the fast-approaching ground, hoping it was covered with some sort of padding, hopefully sweetrolls. By Sithis, he would even settle for soul tomatoes. But no.

Instead, he ended up with watermelons. At least it wasn't cheese, that would presumably come later. He smashed into the ground at terminal velocity, somehow avoiding breaking anything major (the bottom of his ribcage didn't count) and causing a explosion of watermelon juice of epic proportions.

He stood up from his 'entrance', covered in watermelon pieces, seeds and juice.  He spotted Celestia, who looked unamused with a piece of watermelon slowly making its way down the middle of her face and her coat splattered with watermelon pips and juice. As for Twilight, she was wearing a watermelon helmet that covered her face down to her eyes.

He grinned, and said "Miss me?" with a massive troll face.