The Farmer and the Monster

Chapter 6

Hunting Bigger Prey

I pulled my magnum and pointed it at his chest. “I told you not to fuck with the king.” I pulled the trigger and he tried to dodge. The bullet ripped through his stomach and he cried out in pain.

One out of five.

I hold my gun in my left hand, so ya’d think I have a bit of a problem aiming that way. Fact is that’s how I learned to shoot, so I’m actually a better shot with my left hand than my right. That frees up my right hand to knock out assholes that get too close.

Of course that one shot got the attention of everyone outside, so the warehouse doors flew open and everyone poured in shooting at me. I barely avoided getting nicked before I took cover.

That complicated things. My only target was the cambion underboss, not the humans, so this meant I had to get to him without making a mess of things. By “things” I mean A) the warehouse, and B) my criminal record. As of yet I only had a few assault charges riddled with DUI’s and whatever they charge you with for giving the cops a hard time. No murder charges yet, and that was because I never killed a human.

I checked the convex mirror thankfully located in the upper corner of the room and looked for my target. I spotted him and flew up the stairs to the catwalk. I shot at him again and missed.

Two out of five. Don’t miss you dumbass.

Thankfully I didn’t hit a human either, just concrete. He escaped out to the lot and I jumped out the window after him. A bullet nicked my ear as I did though; that hurt like hell.

When I landed there was no one between me and him, so I ran him down with my knife in hand. He turned and threw me over himself just in time. I flipped through the air and shot at him again when he was in my sights. The bullet passed clean through his gut. I could guess that I only narrowly missed his spine.

Three out of five. So far so good.

I landed and he groaned in pain. He pointed at me as his subordinates ran out after me. “All of you back off! He’s mi-ine!” he yelled, barely able to speak through the pain.

I pointed the gun at him again. “You sure that’s a good idea bub?” I asked him cockily.

“No guns, just fists and knifes,” he wheezed.

I tilted my head to the side as a bullet whizzed by my ear. “Not exactly a great idea dumb-fuck,” I remarked.

The underboss turned around and everybody pointed at the same guy. “Another associate too eager to get through the ranks,” he spat at him before shooting him right between the eyes. “Anyone else want to try and get promoted?!” They stayed silent and shook their head collectively.

He was regaining his vigor quickly. That would end up being a problem. Cambions heal quickly. Bones are still brittle for some time after they do, but flesh wounds are hardly anything to them. Sure the flesh takes time to properly heal, but it closes fast. Still, all it takes to reopen one is all it takes to pull out someone’s stitches fresh after surgery.

He threw his gun on the ground and I placed mine in my jacket. I pulled out and readied my knife and my body for the fight. Cambions, no matter what their true form or power, are incredibly weak in human form. I’m no different.

I saw him get a fucking sword from one of his men. Cheating bastard, didn’t matter. He groaned in pain as he steadied himself. He was in pain as it was, which meant he was weak. I was going to take full advantage of that.

He came at me swinging like a novice. Sure swords have long reach and could butcher a man, but if you have no form than it’s like giving a steak knife to an infant. He swung the damn thing like a madman and I practically danced around it.

Finally I just blocked a strike with my knife and bashed him in the gut with my left fist. The freshly healed wound reopened and blood gushed out of it. He staggered and lowered the sword to his side, lacking the strength to even hold it up.

“Remember when you said ‘no guns’?” I asked angrily.

“Yeah,” he said as he picked his sword back up.

He raised it above his head and almost brought it down on my head.

I yanked my magnum out from its holster and pressed the barrel against his jugular vein before he could react. He instantly froze in fear and realization of what my last question actually meant.

“No deal.” I pulled the trigger and heard the bang come from the chamber.

Four out of five.

He stumbled back and dropped the sword in agony before he dropped to the ground. Blood poured from the open wound like a waterfall. He desperately tried to close the wound with his hands and sheer force of will to no avail.

“Now you and I both know that there’s only one way you’re gonna live through that.”

He glared at me with a fury I’d seen in every cambion prior to him. He wasn’t anything special, just another chump too stupid to know when to quit, so what he did next didn’t surprise me at all.

His skin started turning blacker than my hair. I intended to kill him before he changed completely, so I put my final bullet right between his eyes.

Five out of five. Empty.

Well…I tried to kill him anyways, but the growing carapace formed over his head before the bullet hit. His head flew back so fast though that it should have broken his neck though, but y’know…fucking cambions.

His body enlarged to the point where he grew right out of his suit. His enlarged head got more angular, like an arrowhead with three points at the back. His mouth grew into a razor sharp ear-to-ear smile with mandibles coming out of it every time it opened.

His body turned more insect-like with every moment, even growing a thorax to complete the ensemble. Four additional arms grew out of his abdomen, each with razor sharp tips rather than claws. Finally he grew large wings out of his back. All around, he stood at about twelve feet tall.

“Let’s see, arrowhead head, insect body, razor teeth in giant mouth, six legs, six arms—only difference is in the use though, wings, and big green eyes,” I summarized as I paced back and forth with my hands behind my back, “My professional diagnosis is that you are one butt ugly piece of shit mother fucker that’s about to get his head ripped off. I’d say you have a minute to live—use it well.”

He jabbed at me with his spiked limbs, making me do back-flips to avoid getting skewered. When all six missed I saw that they were retracting. Expandable limbs=not good.

“What are you all waiting for?!” he roared at everyone as he pointed at me, “Kill him! Kill him now!”

A flurry of bullets and spikes were launched at me. I barely managed to get into cover behind a crate before I got turned into swiss cheese. I took a moment to breath and make a plan of attack, but it was short lived as the underboss’ spikes started ripping through the crate I was hidden behind.

I dashed out of cover as quickly as I could and ran for the security gate at the front of the lot, switching cover as often as I could to avoid—y’know what I said it once, you get the picture.

Finally I got there and I took cover again. Without any shots in my magnum I didn’t have any long-range attacks, and with as many mobsters that were shooting at me I didn’t have much of a chance. I had to give the mobsters credit; even in the confusion they knew where their loyalties lay.

Fortunately for them I don’t kill humans, fortunately for me: cut the head off the snake and the body dies. All I had to do was kill the giant bug and I was home free, for the most part anyways. Luck had nothing to do with the next part.

I discarded my jacket and shirt, grew my wings and lit up my claws as I came back around the corner. The mobsters were a bit shocked, but didn’t pay much attention to it other than a couple surprised comments. I held the magnum in my left hand and aimed for the giant bug.

“Don’t fuck with the king,” I told him as I pulled the trigger. An explosion of azure fire erupted from the barrel of the gun as the markings on it radiated black with demonic power.

What? You didn’t think I’d use a gun against a cambion without having a couple tricks up my sleeve did you?

I pulled the trigger three times and the ethereal blazing bullets blasted through his carapace. Green blood oozed out the gargantuan bullet holes on his abdomen.

He launched a giant spiked limb at me again, but by this time the flying bullets had stopped in fear. They knew I wasn’t going to run out of ammo, and they thought better of getting their heads blown the fuck up.

I caught the spike in my free hand as it reached its full length and yanked him towards me. He jerked forwards through the air and landed in a heap twenty feet from me. I quickly closed the distance and put the barrel of the gun to his head as he looked up.

“What I tell you?” I asked him as I pulled the trigger, “Don’t fuck with the king.”

His blood sprayed everywhere. He wasn’t quite dead, so I quickly found his heart—in his thorax by the way—and yanked it out. Now he was dead, which left me to wonder why his heart was in his ass.

Cambions are weird.

I looked around at all the stunned and fearful faces. “What did you see?” I asked them. Obviously they all said “nothing” (don’t pull that joke with me asshole). “Good. Now why are you still here?!”

They all ran off with their tails between their legs like a bunch of pansies. I sat on the giant head of the deceased bug and said to him, “Y’know, I was on the fence about whether or not I liked you, but your friends could at least try to have a backbone.”

I spied his cigar case lying on the ground a few feet away. I took a quick look around to see if anyone was still looking to shoot me. “Well,” I said to myself as I got up, “No need to let fine Cuban cigars go to waste.” As I picked it up and set it in my back pocket I smelled something.

Let’s see…fresh blood, riddled with sulfur, which means it’s cambion. Seems reptilian based—no…amphibian? Wait, that’s mammal. What the fuck? Where’s all this coming from? Wait a moment…that’s human?

I stood up slowly and made my way to the security gate to get my shirt and jacket, watching and listening for whatever I could. I smelt a lot of cambion blood of all sorts of bases, not to mention the distinct traces of human blood throughout. It was uncanny, and I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. It was everywhere at once! It was…

Oh shit. I’m being surrounded.

I dashed to the security booth for cover just before the bullets started flying. When transformed my skin could take a few bullets, but hit me with a machine gun and it’s like getting the piss beat out of you by Mike Tyson. Don’t get me started on the one guy who thought it would be fun to shoot me in the balls. There’s not even a bloody scrap left of him.

They were coming from on top of the building, inside the building, around the building, every end of the lot, and from the end of the street. I was actually boxed in with nowhere to go! I had no idea how many cambions had surrounded me, but I wasn’t going down without a fight.

I came out to shoot one when a bullet grazed my other ear. I ducked back into cover in shock. It barely hit me, but I was bleeding. That shouldn’t have been possible. I touched my ear lightly and felt a liquid on it. It burnt to the touch, but it smelled like nothing. Against any sort of logic my brain ever had I tasted it.

Water? Wait…it’s not the water that burns, it’s the enchantments!

“Holy water?! You’ve gotta be shittin’ me!”

Honestly I didn’t even know that worked. Didn’t matter. Since it apparently did work that meant I wasn’t dealing with cambions. Cambions can’t use those kinds of enchantments. Believe me I tried; nothing happened.

If I ain’t dealin’ with cambions, then they’re demon hunters! …

“Haha! Okay you boys are obviously aimin’ for bigger prey, but you’re about to learn you’ve bitten off more than you can chew!”

I spied one aiming for me, clad in full black fabric, sporting all sorts of gadgets and communication devices. I wasn’t aiming to kill of course, but I needed them scared stiff so I could at least get away.

I aimed at him and pulled the trigger on my magnum again. The concrete he was sitting on blew up underneath him and he fell to the ground below. The bullets stopped for just a moment and I took my chance. I grabbed my stuff and took off to the skies. Pretty ballsy given that I was in a busy district, even if it was still night there was more than enough illumination to spot me.

Suddenly I felt something trying to break the skin on my shoulder. I looked and saw a grappling hook—a fucking grappling hook! What did these guys plan on raiding Camelot or something—what the hell?!

I felt another one dig into my other shoulder and I couldn’t fly any farther. My fiery claws ripped through the chains with ease, but they kept coming faster than I could break them. After a long effort, which was more than just a little embarrassing on my part, I was eventually pulled to the ground.

***

Bound and grounded I looked at my borderline ninja looking captors with a fire in my eyes that made my claws jealous. One of them—who I assumed to be their leader—circled me like he was a cop and I was a prisoner. I didn’t like that.

“Who are you working for?” he demanded in an obviously fake deep voice.

“Don’t insult me,” I warned.

He kicked me square in the jaw. “What is your purpose?”

“Well after that it’s to kick your sorry ass when I get outta this.” He punched me in the nose. “Scratch that, I meant bury you.”

He went to hit me again when another of my captors stopped him and took his place. “Who are you working for?”

Oh for fuck’s sake. That’s it now I’m just gonna piss them off.

“Who are you working for?” I countered sounding like a hippy after smoking a joint.

“What is your purpose?”

“What is your purpose?”

“What do you want?”

“What do you want?”

“I demand you answer my questions!”

“I demand you—“

“SHUT UP!” He breathed heavily and some of the other guys were laughing at him. “What’s so funny?!”

“Honestly, it’s the fact that we’ve seen the episode of ‘That’s 70’s Show’ he’s referencing.”

Now a third guy walked up to interrogate me.

“Hey, don’t I get a phone call or something?”

“Where is he?” he demanded.

I looked at him dumbly. “Uh, you’re gonna need to be a little more specific.”

He pulled out a gun and pressed it to my forehead. “Don’t play with me you soulless piece of trash! Where. Is. The Holder?!”

“OOOOH! You want to find the Holder,” I said in fake astonishment and realization, “Okay I’ll tell you. Come close.” Like a moron he stuck his ear up to my mouth. “The location of the Holder is…” I whispered before I took a very deep breath and roared, “EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK I’D LIKE TO KNOW!!!”

He stumbled off in shock. “Oh god I think I’m deaf!”

“What kind of morons are you?! If I knew where that bastard was he"d be dead already! What, do you think I'm some random jackass that was too dumb to spy a bad dead?! I actually have my own soul!”

“Yeah right,” the first one said, “I’ll be the judge of that.” He muttered some incantation that I recognized as being used to search a person’s soul. “No. Way,” he mumbled in amazement.

I was done fucking around, since it was clear they wanted me alive for information I didn’t have. My wings were as sharp as my claws, and could also burn brighter than the idiots I was dealing with as well. I stood up and melted through the chains before they knew what was going on.

Several of them moved to suppress me, but the one who scanned me stopped them. When questioned he answered, “He’s telling the truth. I can see it in his soul. He never lost it. He always had it, and it hasn’t even been stained with human blood. I don’t know how, but the power is etched into his soul more securely than anything I’ve seen done before. It looks like it’s been there for a couple decades.”

I gave a sarcastic clap. “Bravo dumb fuck,” I commended sarcastically, “But are you smarter than a fifth grader? I think not. I could have told you all that myself. Oh, and nice second rate spell ya idiot. My mother taught me a better one when I was two.”

“Was your mother a priestess?” he asked.

“That’s none of your fucking business,” I sneered, “Now if you’ll excuse me I have hunting to do. Tonight hasn’t exactly productive, thanks to you dumbasses.”

“Hunting what?” he asked curiously.

“Oh! So you’re done demanding answers? Ain’t ya afraid I’ll kill ya?”

“There’s no human blood on your soul. If you were going to kill a human like me you’d have done it by now.”

I glared at him furiously. “You smell as much human as that giant carcass over there.” I pointed at the dead underboss. “Maybe I’ll make a mistake,” I threatened.

That got a few guns pointed my way. The man I was talking to ordered them to lower them. “That cambion…are you the one that killed it?” he asked me.

“No, it was the tooth fairy,” I said sarcastically.

“The tooth fairy? Really?” He was not amused.

“Oh yeah. What you didn’t know? Dwayne Johnson quit the WWE and started demon hunting too! Oh it was all over CNN last week, too bad ya missed it.” I madly smirked mockingly. “Really who the fuck do you think could do that to a cambion? Who the fuck are you anyways?”

He took a moment to present himself and finally dropped the fake voice. Sounded younger than me. “We…are the bureau!” he announced.

I looked at him with an eyebrow raised. “The fuck does that mean?” I asked rudely, “What is that supposed to mean something to me? You guys are about as clear as the butt of my gun, which is gonna break your jaw in about a minute if you don’t start makin’ sense.”

He groaned in annoyance, apparently I was finally starting to piss him off. I had to give him credit; he had more patients than most humans I’d ever met. “The bureau is an organization dedicated to the extermination of all dark creatures. In this city particularly though, we focus on eradicating the cambion infestation,” he explained, “Occasionally through the centuries there have been dark creatures—cambion or otherwise—that kill other dark creatures. Those we leave alone, since their activities benefit our purposes.”

“So I’m exemplified. Big fucking deal, I’ve dealt with bigger threats than you. Let’s see, you’re dressed like a mix of a ninja and the G.I.Joes, you use fucking grappling hooks like it’s medieval times, you can’t interrogate for fuck, you use god damn holy water—which is hilarious to me, and none of you can shoot for shit. Oh yeah you’re great at what you do.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” he snapped at me.

“Oh please, I know that in order to be an effective demon hunter you need to either be a monster or a priest trained to do as such.”

“I am a trained priest!”

“Out of how many of you?” I asked mockingly.

He got real quiet, real fast. “There’s one for maybe every hundred of us, probably less,” he admitted.

“Mm-hm, that’s what I thought,” I said in finality, “Yeah I’m the one that killed that cambion, and I did it without getting a scratch on me. He’d have killed half of you, and that’s optimistically thinking.”

“Your ears have scars on them,” he pointed out.

“What’s your point?”

“Well one was here when we arrived, the other wasn’t.”

“Oh my god, my ears, aaaaaah,” I “yelled” sarcastically. If I could have been any more of an ass I really didn’t know how to at this point. “So you grazed my ear, and yeah holy water works. Is that really what you call a fucking victory? Cause if it is you and I have very different ideas of what it takes to win a fight.”

“Then join us if you think you’re so much better than us!” he demanded. I looked at him dumbfounded. “Don’t give me that look! You’re wrong about us but you’re right about you! A cambion is the best cambion killer there is, and we need any help we can get to take down the Holder!”

I just looked at him as I felt the spite well up within me. “You attack me, you chain me, you interrogate me, you insult me, you lecture me, and you have the balls to ask me to join you?!” I fumed, steadily rising in speed and volume the whole way, “Go fuck your sister ya piece of trash.”

I took off without another word to be spoken. That wasn’t the last time I’d meet the bureau, and they’d always give me the same offer. Sometimes I’d find them during a raid. Sometimes they’d join me in a fight. Sometimes we’d find one another after a fight, sometimes before. No matter what I always turned them down and left.

Eventually they figured out where I lived and started making house calls to get me to join. That was when I started using a baseball bat whenever I opened the door. They were the only ones that it didn’t knock out, but it hurt like a son of a bitch I could tell. Heh, I still remember that one guy that went soprano. That was funny.

I’d wake up, kick a girl out, go hunting, sometimes meet the bureau, go to the bar, pick up another girl, two, or sometimes even three, go home, fuck their collective brains out, watch a movie, pass out, and start all over again the next day. What a half-life.