1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... Well, Actually Just "1"
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1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... Well, Actually Just "1"
RACIST BARN
by Ponydora Prancypants
“Happy Unity Day everypony!” Twilight Sparkle proclaimed, standing behind her chair at a long table set up inside the big, red, and recently erected barn at Sweet Apple Acres. "It's so nice that we can all come together like this to celebrate unity on the anniversary of the founding of Canterlot, even if we aren't able to go attend the gala this year."
“Hear, hear!” Rarity responded. “Unity Day is my favorite holiday: I love all the ribbons, and the little fillies and colts dancing around the Unity Pole. Moreover, we get to celebrate the most wonderful and fabulous city in all of Equestria! And may I just say that while this barn may not be as opulent as Canterlot Castle, I would much rather be enjoying Unity Day here with my dearest friends than spending an evening avoiding that horrid Blueblood.”
“Well, happy Unity Day to you two too!” Pinkie Pie chimed in with a grin. “I gotta admit, though, I’m a little surprised we’re having the party here, of all places.”
"Now Pinkie," Twilight began, "we can't have every party at Sugarcube Corner, and Applejack was kind enough to offer to host us in her new barn."
"Oh, it isn't jealousy," Pinkie Pie replied. "It's just that a Unity Day party here ... isn't it ironic? Don't you think?"
“Just what exactly are you tryin' to say, Pinkie?” Applejack demanded. “This here barn’s brand spankin’ new. My family an' me just raised her up at the Apple reunion a few days ago, and I think she looks pretty durn good, iffin I do say so myself. Not only that, but what with the decorations Rarity put up, and the tasty victuals you an' me scrounged together, I’d say this here’s as dandy a Unity Day spread as you’re ever likely to see in these parts.”
“No, no, no," Pinkie said, shaking her head. "The decorations look great and all this yummy food looks super scrumptious! It's just ... you know ... that song."
"What song?" Applejack demanded.
"The one you and your family were singing at the reunion. I'm pretty sure everypony in town must have heard it—maybe even everypony in the whole county! I just didn’t know you felt that way about unicorns and pegasi."
“What in tarnation are you talkin’ about, Pinkie?” Applejack demanded, thoroughly confused. She remembered the square dance she coordinated while the barn-raising was under way, but she was pretty sure she had just sung about whatever she and her family were doing in the particular moment, like nailing things or positioning joists. She didn't recall singing anything about unicorns.
Pinkie Pie looked at Applejack with genuine surprise. "C'mon AJ, you know." She looked left and right, then leaned across the table toward Applejack and whispered conspiratorially, but loudly, “The song about your racist barn.”
“Racist barn?” Twilight Sparkle repeated. “What does that even mean? How can a barn be racist? Was this some kind of earth pony bonding ritual I'm not aware of?”
“There ain’t no racist barn!” Applejack protested. “What the hay, Pinkie Pie?”
“Wait a second!” Spike piped up. “I heard that song! I was here on the day of reunion, helping Applejack get a fire going so she could heat up her cooking oil. After she said I could go, I hid under a table so I could sneak apple fritters when nopony was looking. I remember a loud crash, and then a couple minutes later all those earth ponies started singing. Spike cleared his throat, sending tiny green sparks into the air, and then began to sing: “Racist barn, racist barn …”
“1 … 2 … 3 … 4 …” Pinkie Pie continued, smiling from ear to ear.
“Something something racist stuff!”
“1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … Yay!” Pinkie Pie slapped a congratulatory forehoof against Spike’s open palm. "Yep, that's pretty much how I remember it."
“That ain’t how the song goes!” Applejack objected.
"Wait, so you really did sing about a racist barn?" Twilight asked.
"Of course not!"
“So AJ’s a racist," Rainbow Dash mused. “Huh. That explains a lot, actually. Like why you’re always trying to one-up me. Too bad everypony knows that pegasi are the best.”
“Okay, now that right there actually was racist,” Applejack groused. “But I sure as shootin’ aint! And this ain’t no ‘racist barn.’”
“Well, okay, but I’m not the one who sang a song about it,” Pinkie Pie said with a shrug.
“Look, Pinkie, just ‘cos I may have griped to you in private once or twice in the past about the fact that it seems unfair we gotta celebrate the founding of a unicorn city in an earth pony town, that doesn't make me a racist.” Applejack stated firmly.
“Hold on just a second,” Twilight Sparkle interrupted, drawing herself up to the full stature her diminutive frame afforded. “Canterlot is a city for all the different types of ponies. It was founded when the three tribes came together after the Great Blizzard, as everypony knows. I mean, that’s what Unity Day is all about!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “You and I both know that town is run by a bunch of hoity-toity, fancypants, blueblood unicorn types. An earth pony is lucky to get a job washin’ dishes or pullin’ weeds in Canterlot.”
“I’ll have you know that Fancypants is a perfect gentlecolt and a friend to all,” Rarity huffed. “And Hoity Toity is an earth pony, as you are most certainly aware. Though I'll grant you a point with regard to Blueblood.”
“I wasn’t … aw, forget it,” Applejack grumbled.
“You know,” Twilight Sparkle went on, “I've wondered about you a few times, Applejack. Like when you made such a big deal about not letting anypony use magic during Winter-Wrap Up, but you had no problems with the pegasi changing the weather. Pegasus magic is still a kind of magic, the last time I checked. Maybe if we talk about it we can help you overcome your issues with unicorns."
“What?” Applejack exclaimed. “Don’t you go startin’ in on this nonsense!"
"It certainly would tend to explain the issues you used to have with me," Rarity broke in. "It's the horn, isn't it? It can be intimidating, I'm sure."
"Rarity, you and I can talk later about our 'issues,'" Applejack said, glaring at the white unicorn. "As for the rest of this nonsense, I ain’t got no problems with nopony on account of whether they got a horn, or feathers, or nothin’ special ‘t’all! And that’s final!”
"Hey!" Pinkie Pie objected. "I don't have a horn or feathers, but I think I'm pretty special."
"You are special, Pinkie," Applejack said, patting her friend on the head with a forehoof. "You are. Ain't no doubt about it."
"Aww." The pink pony beamed.
“I’m just saying that you might be a little bit racist,” Twilight said. "You might not even realize it yourself!"
“Look, the thing about Winter Wrap-Up—that ain’t racism, it’s tradition! Ponyville was founded by earth ponies—my own family if you want to get into the particulars. ‘Sides, I got a lot of friends who are pegasi. Unicorns too!”
“Other than present company?” Rarity asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Yeah, who else? I know I’ve never seen you talking to any pegasus ponies besides Shy and me!” Rainbow Dash pressed.
“Well sure. I got a ton of ... there’s … um …you know what? I ain’t gonna let y’all corner me about somethin’ so goldurn ridiculous." Applejack pointed to her mouth. "Read my lips: I … ain’t … racist. In fact, I think y’all are the racist ones! You already heard Rainbow say she thinks pegasi are the best kind of pony, and Twilight thinks unicorns are somethin’ special, and I happen to know that Rarity’s got a major prejudice problem.”
“I don’t think unicorns are better than other kinds of ponies!” Twilight Sparkle protested, even as Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement with Applejack’s claims. “Just because unicorns control the economy and government, and are the only kind of pony who can get admitted to Princess Celestia's special academy, doesn't make us better! After all, we unicorns can't fly, except with magic spells, or obtain our own food, except in the past by extorting it from earth ponies under threat of wreaking havoc with the cycle of day and night by means of unilateral control of the very heavens above." Twilight paused to take a breath. "Also, I don't want to get blamed just because my uncle made a fortune selling denture paste to earth ponies who broke their teeth trying to turn doorknobs made in my other uncle's doorknob factory."
"I think you just made my point, sugarcube," Applejack said.
"No way!" Twilight moved to stand next to Rarity, and looked to the other unicorn for support. "Back me up girls. Rarity, you know I'm not biased in favor of unicorns."
"Er, of course, dar—" Rarity began, before being interrupted.
"Unicorns are the best for sure," Spike declared, interposing himself between Rarity and Twilight. He pointed to Rarity. "Observe the perfectly spiraled, magical horn, accentuating a lithe, graceful figure. Witness the luxurious purple mane you just want to run your claws through. That dulcet voice! That sophisticated mien! Oh, and Twilight's good at books."
Rarity wore a blush and a look of mild horror as Spike went on. "Er," she stammered, "thank you for that, Spike, I suppose." She then turned toward Applejack. “Anyhow, as for me, Applejack, your unfounded accusation is absolutely preposterous! I believe anypony can be fabulous in her or his own way, regardless of her or his creed, color, or couture."
“Well, then, Miss Equality, why don’t you tell us how you feel about mules?” Applejack demanded with a smirk.
Rarity blanched—a difficult thing for a white coated unicorn to do. “Mules, you say?” She coughed nervously. “I suppose there is nothing … inherently wrong with those … creatures.”
“Really?” Applejack pressed. “I hear tell that fella Mulius who runs the fertilizer store in town might be sweet on you. I could give him a little nudge of encouragement, if you want.”
“Gah!” Rarity uttered a strangled exclamation and looked around the room with a panicked expression. “Oh … ha ha. How flattering. Perhaps you could … say something to him. I would never prejudge a pony … I mean, a mule … without getting to know ... him, even if his coat is a sickly gray, his knees are all knobbly and weird, and nature has tragically deemed his crossbreed kind unfit to reproduce. Pshaw! I certainly do not have any problem with mules, Applejack! The very idea!”
Applejack narrowed her gaze. “Well, I’ll just let him know then.”
“I think I’m a racist,” Fluttershy whispered, causing everypony else present to immediately turn and gape at her in shock.
“You?” Rainbow Dash asked, incredulous.
“Whoa, I forgot you were even there!” Spike noted.
“Yes, I'm definitely a racist. I … I hate …”
“Oh come on, Fluttershy. Nopony here could ever believe you hate anything!” said Twilight Sparkle.
“I hate dragons,” Fluttershy finished, eyes downcast.
“What the hay?” Spike demanded. “I’m right here!”
“Oh …” Fluttershy paused thoughtfully. “You don’t count. I don’t really think of you as a dragon.”
“That just makes it worse!” Spike threw up his arms in exasperation.
"If it makes you feel better, maybe I only really, really, really, really dislike them," Fluttershy offered.
"It doesn't," Spike grumbled.
“Yay! I win!” Pinkie Pie declared jubilantly.
“Win what?” Applejack demanded.
“Unity Day!” Pinkie continued. “I’m the only one here not a closet racist, so I win Unity Day!"
“It’s not a contest!” Twilight Sparkle shouted, her ire rising. “This is supposed to be a holiday celebrating togetherness and harmony among all the different types of ponies, not a contest to try to trick each other into spouting racist remarks!”
"Nopony tricked me!" Rainbow Dash stated. "Pegasus ponies for the win!" Her voice trailed into a whisper as she realized everypony else was glaring daggers at her.
“Well, if it had been a contest, I would have won,” Pinkie Pie asserted. “Plus, I ate all the desserts while you were arguing about which one of you is the biggest racist, so I doubly win! Applejack also wins, because she's definitely the most racist. I mean, really, who sings about that out in the open?"
"For the last time, Pinkie, it was 'raise this barn!' 'Raise this', not racist! Get it? There ain't no such thing as a racist barn! I promise in the future to enunciate more carefully when I sing, okay?"
"Okay," Pinkie Pie replied, shrugging, as she licked the last of the chocolate frosting from around the corners of her mouth.
"So then, why don't we all get back to enjoyin' Unity Day together," Applejack went on. "No more spurious accusations, deal?"
"Okay!" Pinkie Pie agreed, polishing off a cupcake that had somehow previously escaped her notice.
"Good," Applejack said, nodding. "Then I say we—"
"Whoa! Hold on!” Suddenly, Pinkie Pie’s eyelashes fluttered, her back arched, her knees wobbled, and her ears flopped. A second later, her tail began to twitch. From somewhere outside the barn, a low rumble could be heard, and the ground vibrated along with the sound.
“Now what?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Um, Twilight,” Pinkie began, “You’d better put up one of those magical force field thingies of yours … right about now.”
“Wh—”
“Right about now!” Pinkie Pie shouted, and dove toward Twilight. The others knew Pinkie’s uncanny ability to anticipate the unexpected all too well, and they hurled themselves toward Twilight without hesitation.
Less than a second passed between Twilight projecting a shining purple dome of magical energy over her friends and an enormous iron wrecking ball obliterating an entire wall of the barn in one mighty crash.
“My new barn!” Applejack cried out in alarm and dismay, even as shivered lumber rained down upon the magical barrier protecting the six friends, and Spike. Before the scope of the damage could even be fully comprehended, the wrecking ball swung through again, this time with an even more catastrophic impact. The barn began to collapse in on itself.
“Augh!” Twilight Sparkle screamed, struggling to keep her shield in place. It sparked and died just as the last of the debris came down upon the ponies.
For a long moment, nothing stirred beneath the pile of what had only recently been a sturdy new barn, built right and painted bright and bold. Then, finally, Applejack managed to struggle free of the bit of roof that had covered her, and she saw her other friends likewise emerging from the rubble. She gasped as the instrument for her barn’s most recent collapse became apparent: an enormous wrecker had been moved into position on the farm, and a gray pegasus mare with a blonde mane sat working the machine’s controls.
“Hey there Applejack!” the pony called out. “I heard your family all singing the other day, and I got a great idea about how I could give you a Unity Day present, and make up for the four bits you loaned me for that olallieberry muffin last week! It took me a few days to find this wrecking ball, but here I am! Happy Unity Day!”
“You … you just wrecked my barn!” Applejack croaked hoarsely.
“Of course I did!” the gray pony called down, smiling. “Just like you wanted! I bet everypony heard you singing!”
“We were singin' about a barn raising!” Applejack yelled. “You know, when you build a new barn? How in Celestia's name could you possibly think I wanted you to wreck my barn?”
The pegasus pony blinked, and her golden eyes began to drift toward opposite sides of her head. “Ooooh! Wow, this is embarrassing. I thought you wanted somepony to raze this barn—you know, with a ‘z.’” The wall-eyed pegasus shrugged. “My bad! Happy Unity Day anyway!
“Consarnit!” Applejack swore. “I hate homophones.”
Pinkie Pie popped up from somewhere within the rubble and gasped, then thrust an accusatory forehoof toward Applejack and shouted, “Bigot!”
THE END
