The Merry Ponies of Equestria (or, "No Two-Legged Creature")

by Sylocat

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, King Sombra, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 12446

Sir John Falstaff, and company, find themselves in Equestria.

Sir John Falstaff had finally found himself in a spot he couldn't worm his way out of.

Now that Prince Hal has finally become King Henry V, he is purging the waywardness of his youth, starting with the rowdy friends he once knew. Some thrown in jail, some kicked out onto the street, all lost without a place in the world they once knew.

Their "daring" (sort of) escape leads them through a strange enchanted forest, where Falstaff and his band of travelers find themselves in a wondrous strange land, filled with magical talking horses. The former bandits seek refuge here, while trying to reconcile their decidedly un-pony-like natures with the social norms of their new hosts.

But interdimensional portals don't just randomly open on their own. And someone else from their old world has arrived too...

Update: Now with editing and contributions from a published novelist who worked as a professional editor for two decades (and also happens to be my dad).

Also special thanks to (and promotion for) my backup editing team:
Daemon of Decay
NejinOniwa
The Music Man
JMaster

Published 2013-01-24 10:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-12 20:59:36 UTC

Prologue

Chapter 0: "Prologue"

The characters herein from M.L.P.

are property of Hasbro (oh, and Faust).

The other characters you will here see

are Shakespeare's, though the copyrights are lost.

The timelines of historical events

here side with Shakespeare over history.

This takes place after H. the Fourth (2) ends,

and right after the ponies' season three.

The language has been updated a tad,

for modern readers new to Avon's Bard;

while trying not to dumb it down too bad

(surprisingly, this balance isn't hard).

So please enjoy this humble heap of words,

and if you like it, share with other nerds.

• • •

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

(more characters may be added as they appear...)

From Equestria:

Twilight Sparkle – the strongest and brightest student of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Twilight has only recently learned how to make friends. The wielder of the Element of Magic, uniting her five best friends in amazing adventures.

Pinkie Pie – hyperactive sucrose-infused comedienne, self-appointed BFF of everypony in Equestria, and said to possess reality-bending powers whose weirdness is matched only by that which occurs inside her head.

Rainbow Dash – ultra-competitive athlete, the fastest flyer and toughest fighter in any world known. Not always the best at social niceties.

Applejack – a farm pony, lead proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres, which she runs with her family. Honest, fearless, and stubborn.

Rarity – a pony of refined tastes, fastidious manners and dramatic personality, as well as a rising star fashion designer.

Fluttershy – sweet, gentle, timid and introverted (well, most of the time, anyway), she is a friend and caretaker to animals both large and small.

Spike – a baby dragon hatched during Twilight Sparkle's entrance exams, he has become her personal assistant, and instant mail service between Twilight and the Princess. Spike is helpful to a fault, though a bit clumsy.

Princess Luna – the Alicorn princess responsible for raising and lowering the moon. Recently returned from a thousand-year imprisonment, she is still learning how society has changed in her absence.

Princess Celestia – the wise and enigmatic goddess of the sun, elder sister of Luna, mentor to Twilight Sparkle, and Equestria's foremost believer in the magic of friendship.

King Sombra – once the usurper of the Crystal Empire, imprisoned in ice, recently reincarnated in a shadowy mist form. Believed to have been destroyed.

Discord – mischievous spirit of chaos and disharmony, recently reformed (mostly).

Chrysalis – queen of the Changelings, a race of shapeshifters who feed off the love ponies share for one another.

Cawdor – a raven, newly admitted to Fluttershy's menagerie. A strange bird with the ability to speak, and mysterious knowledge of far-off lands.

From Earth:

Sir John Falstaff – a jolly old fat rascal; a bandit, womanizer, coward and drunkard, but possessed of an ineffable charm that has made him one of the most famous and beloved characters in the history of literature. Once the BFF of Prince Hal, now a stain on the past of King Henry.

Mistress Nell Quickly – the hostess of the Boar's Head Tavern, Falstaff's favorite hangout. Prone to chaotic trains of thought and words, and high-spirited in spite of her financial situation (which is partially due to her repeated loans to Falstaff, which he delays paying with promises of marriage to her).

Pistol – Falstaff's swaggering ensign, whose pastimes are brawling in taverns (with both men and women) and trash-talking, usually in a mix of mangled Latin and misquotes from various popular plays and dramas. Aptly named.

Bardolph – one of Falstaff's crew of bandits, famed for his ruddy complexion and a taste for wine that could rival Falstaff's.

Doll Tearsheet – a prostitute with a sharp wit and sharper tongue (and skill with sharp objects if needed), and one of the few humans on Earth capable of coaxing moments of honesty from Falstaff. Recently arrested, along with Pistol and Mistress Quickly, for a tavern brawl that got out of hand.

The Page – a young boy sent into Falstaff's service by Prince Hal as a joke, his small stature conflicting with Falstaff's girth. Still possesses a few remnants of childhood innocence, despite rapidly learning the habits of his boss.

Owen Glendower – one of the leaders of the rebellion that started when Hal's father Henry IV overthrew King Richard II. Glendower is an old Welsh scholar and soldier, beloved by his people, ruled by magic and emotion.

Robert Shallow – a country justice, and an old friend of Falstaff's from law school. Recently loaned Falstaff a thousand pounds on the promise of riches once Falstaff's pal became king, and rather disgruntled on learning that this will not be happening.

Peto – a member of Falstaff's band of thieves, though spent more time with the Prince than with Falstaff towards the end.

Fang and Snare – two less-than-brilliant officers of the law.

Henry of Monmouth, once Prince Hal, now King Henry V – formerly the madcap Prince of Wales, now a respected ruler.

From Elsewhere:

Setebos – a deity more commonly known amongst humans as Hecate.

I,ii: "The Vasty Deep"

Chapter 2: "The Vasty Deep"

Somewhere else

He awoke.

Where was he? He clutched his staff and pulled himself to his feet. All around him was pitch darkness. A simple incantation produced light from his staff, but the dark void seemed infinite.

This was an unnatural place. Even if he hadn't known that just from the sight of it, he would still have felt it in his bones.

What had happened last? He remembered a battle. Another battle, another war, where he had sent Bolingbroke packing once again. Of course he had; between his army and his magic, he could overcome any...

Magic. That was what happened. He remembered now.

He had summoned a spirit to aid in the battle. Of course he had; it was practically his signature move. He'd been using magic since he was a child; it was the true source of his strength and his wisdom. The earth had shaken like a coward when he was born.

He probably hadn't even needed magical aid for that particular battle, but instead he had decided to go on the offensive rather than merely wait to be attacked again. So he had summoned another beast to aid him, and planned to storm the gates of Henry Bolingbroke's own palace once and for all.

But this beast was different.

This one had fought back. Not just fought back, but overrun his own sanctuary at his castle and pulled him Jove-only-knew where. The last thing he had heard was his own men's trumpets sounding retreat. The tide of battle had been turned against him by this monstrosity.

Everything had gone dark.

Everything still was dark. Why couldn't he see? Even Hades would have had some landscape to discern.

"So... you are awake," came an inhuman growl that seemed to emanate from the very darkness itself, coming at him from all directions at once.

He raised his staff defiantly. "Yes. I assume you are the beast that brought me here? You took me by surprise. Care to try again?"

The being changed the subject. "How did you acquire my horn?"

Horn? What horn?

Oh. The special ingredient in the summoning ritual. When he'd acquired it, all those years ago, he'd been told it was a fragment of a unicorn's horn.

Wait, this thing was a unicorn? Unicorns were easy. And now that he knew what he was up against, there were a thousand incantations that would work. He smiled, and prepared another incantation. "I bought it many years ago, a witch was selling haunted tokens to survive. I purchased many a dark thing on that day."

"You've summoned many creatures with those items."

"Indeed. I live a rather charmed life. Now please, do not think I am rude to cut this fascinating conversation short, but I must now return to Earth. Goodbye..." and with that he cast a linking spell that would open a door to the world from whence he had come. He also held his staff prepared with a hex in case the beast attacked.

The portal opened. He saw the sanctum, practically in ruins but still working enough to bring him back. But then the portal blinked shut, and a pair of glowing eyes stared at him through the dark.

Instantly, he unleashed the binding spell, with a few extra for good measure. Sure enough the eyes retreated, and the veil of smoke was even pierced. But before he could re-cast the linking spell, there came a laugh from the shadows, and the voice spoke unhindered. "If you wish to return home, I can send you there now."

He was puzzled. Hadn't the creature just seen that he didn't need its help doing that? "So can I."

"But you might not like what awaits you."

Now he paused. "What do you mean?"

"Your castle overrun. Your men scattered. Your wife and children taken hostage." Then, as if seeing his expression, it said, "Oh, don't blame me. You were winning and you summoned me anyway."

"I still can win."

"Can you? Your family is locked in the Tower of London. What do you suppose will happen to them if you bring your demons to attack English soil now?"

He could not reply.

"Perhaps you could enter into a truce. You might have been destined to lose in the long run anyway. But can you regain the confidence of your people? The great magician, defeated by his own conjuring trick?"

What?

Of course. He had always been victorious. The image of him in the public eye was of a man who could command the devil himself. What would the people say now that he had been overcome by his own power?

In times of war, reputation was as important as skill. They had needed to believe he was invincible, that he commanded the very air and sea. He did command the air and sea! But even the slightest sign of weakness would be exploited. Give them an inch and they would take ten miles.

Even if his family could be saved by some other means than backing down, his name would never carry such weight again. And without him, the war was as good as lost. His nation, his people, would be left wide open to the tyrannical invaders.

His family and his subjects were lost. And it was all this monster's fault. In a single instant this one beast, from some random corner of creation, had undone him, and his country, and his very world. "And what do you suggest, demonic one?"

"I can stop all that from happening."

"How? I assume you will offer to spirit my wife and daughters away from their imprisonment. But can you then make them forget my humiliation?"

"I can do both."

Now he was startled. "I beg your pardon?"

"That is one of my remaining powers. A word from me, and history will remember you victorious. It will be as if you never lost. Even your family, home safe with you, will not remember being taken prisoner."

"You can do all that?"

"I can do much more, but I sense a willingness to do the rest yourself."

If the creature had simply boasted about its ability to do what it claimed, he would have assumed it was a trap. But this casual mention of other abilities, the mention like this was an afterthought, made it sound almost sensible. "And in return?"

"You will release my true form from its imprisonment."

This was getting interesting. "True form, you say?"

"For eons, I have been locked away. Only my shadows, a fraction of my power, were able to roam free in the world I should have ruled. Here in the space between worlds I can do little but speak and create illusions, and in physical realms I can manifest only as a mindless beast, which I can barely puppeteer from here." The voice now raised a bit, becoming agitated as it growled, "I, the greatest scholar and soldier in history, reduced to a monster barely able to speak or even think!" It calmed down once again and continued, "My own unhappiness has been reflected in my former subjects."

"You had subjects."

"And you will help restore me to my throne."

Remarkable. He himself was going through all his own trouble because of a king who had deposed his predecessor. A number of other bits of this tale struck a chord with him as well. "I merely must release you, that is all?"

"Not quite all. Release me from my prison and I will return your family to you. But in return for my effect on history, you will act as my lieutenant in the upcoming battle. You will summon more of your creatures to help build my army. You will aid my revenge against the tyrants who deposed me. And then, once the war is won and I am back on the throne I lost, I will give you the rest of what I promised."

A scanning ward revealed no falsehoods. This was hardly a guarantee, but even if he agreed, he could back out at any time. In the meantime, if he could get a closer bearing on this thing, it might help him get some leverage later. Besides, he sensed a kindred spirit. "I have the honor of addressing whom?"

A chunk of the fog swirled together and out walked something strange. It was shorter than he was, with a fiery mane jutting from silver armor, with the green eyes and the fire surrounding it. And a red horn, sure enough, jutted from its forehead... though it looked complete and unfragmented. It looked ridiculous, but nevertheless it would have been intimidating to a lesser man than he.

The thing spoke. "I am King Sombra, ruler of the Crystal Empire." It extended its foreleg as if to shake hands. "And your name is Glendower, is it not?"

"It is. Owen Glendower, the rightful Prince of Wales." He extended his hand to take the creature's hoof.

They shook on it.

I,iii: "Thy Fairy Kingdom"

Chapter 3: "Thy Fairy Kingdom"

"Such mists in forests I have never seen," said Pistol.

"I do not remember a forest here at all," whispered Bardolph. "Or one that appeared larger inside than out."

The road to Gloucestershire had wound through a small forest. Or at least it had looked small from the outside. Once in, it had seemed to grow much larger, although that could have been primarily attributed to the fog which had descended during the evening.

The trail had changed from dirt to grass as well. But at least it remained clear and relatively straight, so they assumed they were not lost.

Each of the six was more intimidated than they assumed the others were. Well, apart from Falstaff, who everyone there knew had courage in inverse proportion to his mountainous size. He had never been particularly superstitious and reserved his fear for armed foes, but this place would have seemed unnatural to even the strongest of men.

Their silence was broken by the glimmer of what looked like a torch shining through the trees ahead. They heard what sounded like the steps of hooves approaching.

Falstaff drew the sword he had pilfered from the blacksmith and ducked behind a tree. "At last, horses to take. Perhaps bread or coin as well."

"Or wine," said Pistol, raising a stick as he motioned the others behind further trees.

"A drench would be welcome indeed. The fog, thick as it is, is insufficiently heavy to drink."

"Peace!" hissed Doll Tearsheet, and they were silent.

Several horses rounded a curve in the path. A dusky red glow emanated from somewhere near the front.

The horses were small; either foals or Shetlands. That explained why they were riderless. But where were the humans? These horses looked barely waist-high, yet the travelers could see no human figures beside them. And yet they heard voices.

Were children walking Shetlands through the woods at night? What possible circumstances could have led to that?

"Can a Shetland bear your weight, Sir John?" Doll teased. "Or children carry bread to feed your girth?"

"If not, they can lead us whence they came," whispered Bardolph.

The voices were closer now. The travelers went silent and listened.

"...should have worked, but I want to check just to make sure," said a female voice, with a strange accent.

"Hey, I thought you didn't know where it was," said another voice, scratchier but also female.

"I don't know the exact position, but it was somewhere close to here, because this was the center of the negative energy wave."

"And exactly how long do you intent to traipse around out here looking for it, before you are satisfied that it closed?" said a third, a surprisingly refined and posh voice. "I do need my beauty sleep, you know."

"And if it turns out we ain't really closed it proper yet," said a fourth, "you gonna walk all the way back out here again tomorrow to try again?"

"Oh all right. But we will be setting some sort of time limit, at least, won't we?"

"Fine, fine," the first voice replied, "I should be able to scan in–"

And they were cut off, as Falstaff, Bardolph and Pistol stepped out from behind the tree, Falstaff roaring, "Halt! Who goes there?!"

For a moment they all just stared at one another. Then varying degrees of shock, horror, awe or bravado played out upon the various lifeforms on the trail.

One of the beasts spread what looked for all the world like wings, and leapt forward. "We might be asking you the same thing!" came one of the voices before, unmistakably from the mouth of the beast itself.

"Rainbow, let's be diplomatic here," urged the apparent ringleader, stepping towards them hesitantly. This beast was also one of the voices. And as it moved closer, they saw that the illuminating glow came not from a lantern, but from a stubby horn embedded in the creature's forehead.

Another bounced forward as if it had springs attached to its hooves, and said in a squeaky voice at a lightning pace, "Ooh, wow! New animals! Fluttershy, get a load of this!"

Close-up, the creatures were terrifying. The bodies of horses... sort of... but faces that looked more like a cross between humans and cats. A range of colors found on no Earthly animal, and various indicators that would make them almost look like the unicorns and pegasi of ancient myths, were it not for the statures and deformities.

One had a horn, another two had wings, and the purple one had both.

Pistol roared, "What devilry is this?!"

They looked confused. The aggressive one said, "Huh?"

Pistol continued, "I say again, what manner of demonic beasts are you, roaming this accursed forest in the witching hour?!"

"Wow, this thing talks like Princess Luna!" said the rapid-talking monstrosity. "Are you a thousand years old too?" It looked at Falstaff and said, "This one certainly looks like it!"

Falstaff might have retorted, had he been able to form words, as opposed to just standing there, frozen and white-faced.

Another beast spoke, "And such ghastly manners! You look more demonic than we do, even without those appalling rags!"

Mistress Quickly leaned out from behind another tree and shouted, "Oh, forgive us if fashion was a marginally lower priority than our lives!"

"They're trying to surround us!" the fearsome one said, noticing the others behind the trees. "Brace yourselves, everypony, we're in for another round!"

Several of the others took fighting stances, but then the leader once again halted them. "Girls, calm down." It cleared its throat and said, "You said, your lives? Are you in trouble? Is something after you?"

"Tell them nothing!" roared Pistol. "We have far too many Earthly troubles, without the legions of hell dogging us too!"

The creature attempted to make peace. "Wait, wait, hold on. I don't know what was chasing you, but if it came through the dimensional rift, it's gone now. We closed it just a few minutes ago. Look, the fog is even lifting."

The fog was indeed beginning to lighten; but as the mists retreated from the trees, it revealed that those trees were now unlike any they had seen before.

It was around this time that the six travelers decided it would be best to return the way they came. But as they turned tail to run, the defiant monster flew over their heads and landed on the path in front of them. "And where do you think you're going?"

"Rainbow!"

"Twilight, how do we know they didn't come from the rift? I've had just about enough of fighting monsters tonight!"

"Rainbow, they're not monsters! They only threatened us because they're scared!" said the purple one with both wings and horns, who was apparently called 'Twilight.'

Pistol turned back towards the speaker, and raised his stick even more menacingly. "Think'st thou so?"

The bouncy pink thing teased, "Art thou gonna do the Royal Canterlot Voice too?"

"We're not your enemies!" insisted Twilight.

"What are you, anyway?" asked the one called 'Rainbow.' "You look kinda like upright monkeys or something!"

Mistress Quickly took a moment to rant, "Monkeys? We are quite human, thank you very much!"

There was a brief but very noticeable pause all around.

Twilight said, "Human? You're humans?"

The posh beast said, "Humans? Ridiculous! Humans are mythical creatures!"

"Uh, Rarity, Ah'm lookin' at some purty strong evidence they're real," said another.

"Well duh, of course they're humans, silly!" the manic pink one said.

"So they did come through the rift!" Rainbow hovered in the air. "Humans in Equestria, huh?"

"Rainbow, stand down!" Twilight ordered.

The monster alighted and appeared to cool down, though still silently glaring.

"I'd like to apologize for Rainbow Dash, I think we're all a little on edge after an... incident... earlier tonight," said Twilight, whom they now surmised was indeed the leader. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. And you?"

Bardolph was still too stunned to reply, Falstaff even more so, and Pistol was still casting glares in a circle around him. Doll Tearsheet and Mistress Quickly had slowly crept out from behind and were contemplating speaking. They were interrupted, however, by a gasp from the one beast who had not yet spoken. After fleeing from the encounter, it had apparently traveled around the sidelines to watch, and had stumbled across the Page, who was still behind a tree. The child's eyes were wide with fear as the monster hovered close, even with its soft and soothing voice cooing, "Oh, look at this one! It's so cute! What's your name, little one?"

The page could only stare. Mistress Quickly sensed the boy's distress and prepared to answer for him, but then whispered to Doll Tearsheet, "What is his name?"

"How should I know? Sir John just calls him 'page,' or 'boy,' or some insult."

The page eventually worked up the courage to reply for himself. But he recalled some old saying about never giving your true name to a demon, so on the off chance his superstitious grandam was right after all, he said, "I am page to Sir John... 'Page' will do for a name!"

"All right. 'Page,' that's a sweet name. I'm Fluttershy. Now there, there, don't be frightened. Are you hungry? What do you eat?"

'Page' became more attentive at the prospect of food. Still apprehensive, though, he took note of the creature's wings and hooves, and timidly asked, "Are you a pegasus?"

"Oh, I see, you've never met one of us before. I hope we're not frightening you."

"We have read of you in books."

Doll Tearsheet whispered, "He reads?"

Quickly replied, "He's a page, of course he reads."

The whirl of pink frizz and energy laughed, "Oh, I get it! We're just storybook creatures to them, like they are to us!"

There was a rather loud silence.

The forest finally began to clear, and up ahead they could see their destination. Far from the scorching pit of demons that the travelers had expected, the village looked reasonably similar to a human town.

While still apprehensive, the travelers had been too weary to turn down the offer of sanctuary, and were approaching with varying degrees of courage. Falstaff appeared to have brought at least a sliver of color back to his face.

They were greeted by a small purple dragon who came running up, gawked at the humans, then whispered something into the ears of a couple of the ponies. Twilight handed it a small stack of papers, which it promptly incinerated with green fire.

Twilight Sparkle and the magenta tornado (whom they had learned was called 'Pinkie Pie') had barely gotten started on the sightseeing visit for their new acquaintances, when four shadows passed overhead. Two armored pegasi, pulling an empty chariot, arrived and disentangled themselves from the harness. One of them removed its helmet (with a motion of its leg that would have seemed impossible for a regular horse) said, "Ma'am, with regards to the rift that opened up, how did the expedition go?"

Twilight said, "It went perfectly. We closed the rift and cut off the source of the dark mist energy, though it apparently shifted through another couple dimensions before it closed. Now, did we ever find out what caused it to open in the first place?"

"The research team at Canterlot are still working on that; they believe they might have the answer soon. And may we ask who and that these beasts are?"

Twilight tried to reassure them, "These 'beasts' are humans."

"Humans?" The armored steed recoiled. "These things are humans?"

"They look like humans, don't they?"

The officious creature, instead of answering, changed tracks. "Did you check to see if they came here through the rift?"

"Of course we checked, and they admitted it. But they were there by accident and stumbled through."

It snorted. "Accidentally? And you believe them?"

Twilight said, with confirmative confidence, "Yes. I may be wrong, but yes."

"Very well. Mythical creatures have been proven real in the past. Until such time as they open negotiations with their homeland..."

"If you would speak of us," said Pistol, "I should prefer you speak to us."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing," Twilight said hurriedly. "They're just worn out."

"Be that as it may, I hope they will maintain decorum when their species is introduced to the nobility of Equestria."

"Pistol..." Mistress Quickly started to interrupt him, but it was no use.

"We have wined and dined with nobility since thou wert in thy metal diapers," said Pistol triumphantly.

"You might want to watch yourself," said the armored pony, arranging a threatening posture. Pistol returned in kind, and the uneasy Bardolph, Quickly and Tearsheet closed ranks with him.

Twilight tried to protest again, but then Rainbow Dash flew in front of her and matched the guard's posture. "No, no, Twi. The humans are looking for a fight, and I wouldn't want to disappoint our new friends."

"Hah! You half-sized beasts expect to turn the tables on us?" Pistol roared, drawing steel and narrowly fending off the guard in a one-on-one fight. Then he turned his attention to Rainbow Dash and shouted his intentions to drive her back as well.

Approximately two and a half minutes later

"I am so, so sorry about this," Fluttershy whispered through the net that the six half-comatose humans had been tossed into for transport back to Canterlot for arraignment. "Are you okay?"

"I am quite well, do not trouble yourself with needless concern," said Page, over the groans of his five fellow travelers. "We do have some experience with the law."

I,iv: "Of Government the Properties to Unfold"

Chapter 4: "Of Government the Properties to Unfold"

It looked like a castle from a child's fantasy painting; all gleaming white, pristine, and decorated like an oversized cake.

And the town they flew over to reach it was massive. They doubted that even London was any bigger, though of course they had never seen London from this high in the air (nor had pretty much any human).

As they were flown over the town, a few of the ponies below looked up. It was hard to see what was being transported in the net that overflowed the chariot. There had been rumors of some strange magical activity recently. A few of the local pegasi flew up to have a look as the vehicles whooshed by, and they gawked at the strange pink things.

"They welcome us as we would welcome them," Page observed.

"Yes," said Bardolph, "over the past hour, thou hast successfully convinced us that our captors are human in temparament. We require no further reassurance that they are civilized."

"I shall be quiet now."

Mistress Quickly, emptying a wine flask down the throat of Falstaff, said, "If anything, they are marginally kinder. It is lucky they only confiscated your weapons and did not more thoroughly search the rest of us, as Sir John might have been speechless for an eon."

Falstaff came around. The alcohol, as usual, only made him more alert. As he took in his surroundings, he said, "So. The talking horses were not a dream?"

"And the cloven-footed beasts have a court of law," Pistol muttered.

"In a realm of fairies, we meet lawyers," Falstaff mused. "There are constants in life."

"Perhaps they are too human," said Bardolph.

"Sir John, have those spirits of thine returned to thee thy gifts of prevarication?" Quickly had a hunch they were going to have to talk themselves out of a tight spot.

"If Hal cannot rob me of my wits, unicorns and pegasi cannot."

The carriage, still accompanied by the purple balloon, arrived on a bridge between two towers of the castle. The ties on the net glowed and untied themselves via magic, and the net was opened, releasing the humans.

Falstaff, refueled, was about to try and run when he saw that they were surrounded on both sides by more armored ponies with spears.

Pistol, though slightly calmer than before, was still aggressive. He semi-accurately quoted the poet Horatius, "What better way for man to die than by facing great odds?"

"Perhaps we could try not dying?" Falstaff gurgled.

Quickly agreed, "Or perhaps thou wouldst like to spend the rest of our days in bondage?" She was referring to chains, but she still got odd looks from a couple of the ponies. Rarity and Fluttershy in particular exchanged scandalized glances.

At that moment, one of the two rows of guards parted, to admit two more horses. One a stallion, of the same size and white color but wearing a more distinctive uniform; and the other a larger, even-more-oddly-shaped pink mare.

"Twilight!" the stallion said, putting his forelegs around the purple one in an apparent embrace.

"Hey, big brother! Hi, Cadance."

Cadance (as the oddly-shaped one was apparently called) said, "Hey Twilight. We got your reports." It then glanced at the humans, trying not to laugh. "So this is what came out of the rift."

"Yes. They were almost as confused as we were, and there was a misunderstanding that turned into an argument, so we had to restrain them." Twilight was being tactful, but it was true that the humans had not actually caused any damage before being subdued. "However, nopony actually got hurt, so if it's possible, I'd like to request that the criminal charges be postponed, at least until after presenting them to Princess Celestia?"

"Twilee, you don't need to file formal requests for that kind of thing anymore," said the stallion, gesturing to Twilight's wings.

She looked a little uncomfortable. "Even so, I'd rather not just wave my hoof and decree it."

"I'm sure Celestia and Luna won't mind," said Cadance gently.

"Speaking of which," said the stallion, "Princess Celestia is still in the science wings going over the data. Until she gets back, Princess Luna is holding court this morning."

"Princesses?" Falstaff wrinkled his nose. "I have had enough of royalty for one lifetime."

"Or the two lifetimes thou hast already lived," Doll Tearsheet quipped.

Twilight had to raise a reassuring hoof to stop her brother from responding. "Shining, we're all a little on edge, okay?"

Rainbow Dash had been examining the confiscated human weapons for a while, but reluctantly handed them off to a robed pony for analysis. They walked the prisoners up through the castle, all ignoring stares from the ponies milling about. Twilight whispered a little advice to them. "Now look, I get that you're upset, but really, you will have to watch your manners around... other princesses."

Rarity elaborated. "Indeed. Luna can be the sweetest and kindest pony in Equestria, but dear me, what a temper. And when up this late?" She levitated a small makeup mirror in front of her face. "Speaking of which. Twilight, dear, we have been up for almost an entire day, are you sure we couldn't take a moment to make ourselves presentable?"

"Think of it this way, Rarity. If we go in there looking like we haven't been running around all night, it would look like we thought we were too good to get our hooves dirty."

Rarity heaved a dramatic sigh. "Well, I suppose the 'returning from battle' look can be reasonably fetching in times of crisis." But then, having spent far more time than Twilight learning about social cues, Rarity picked up on Twilight's real motive as well. "Oh. And I do understand your desire to not be seen as too above-it-all, now that you're a..."

"I just want to set a good example, okay?" Twilight whispered.

Rainbow Dash trotted a little faster to walk alongside Twilight and Rarity. "Is that why you didn't wanna take the lead in our tag-team flight? You don't wanna look like you were bossing me around?"

Falstaff, Bardolph and Quickly exchanged glances. This sounded rather familiar to them. Falstaff whispered, "I believe I may have a trick to exonerate us."

"What's that whispering?" Shining Armor asked, suspicious but trying to appear casual.

Falstaff also tried to act normal. "I was wondering if we would only be encountering princesses and not the king."

"King? What king would that be?"

Twilight, grateful for a change of subject, once again reassured her brother. "Shining, they're from somewhere further away than that, remember?"

He still looked a bit suspicious, but he became polite. "Sorry. It's just, there's been all this weird stuff going on. No offense."

"None taken," said Page.

Twilight explained to Falstaff, "The highest rank in Equestria is 'Princess' or 'Prince.'"

"Is it?" Falstaff said. "Seems far superior to the English system. Princes make much better friends."

At the notion of being friends with princes, Twilight couldn't help but snicker. "Well, the only prince I've met so far is Blueblood."

"Aren't all princes blueblooded?"

"Huh?"

Fortunately, they managed to get that sorted out before they arrived at the door to the throne room.

Falstaff, despite his longtime camaraderie with Prince Hal, had only set foot in England's throne room once, when he had weaseled his way into a commendation for defeating the rebel leader Hotspur. He tried to remember how different it was.

The primary difference, of course, was that it was an equine being sitting on the throne here. This beast was about the same size as Cadance, but with a midnight-blue color and an iridescent mane. It did indeed look slightly brusque as it levitated some papers in front of it, with a few fancy-dressed ponies gathered round. Those ponies looked up as the doors opened, stared, and moved to give a wide berth.

The dark monster on the throne blinked, as though it was not quite sure of what it was seeing. Then it said, "Welcome, Princesses Cadance and Twilight Sparkle. And these, presumably, are the monsters?" That started whispering amongst the courtly ponies. Cadance strolled up to the the throne and sat beside it like a deputy. The dark one looked at Twilight and asked, "Twilight, are you not joining us?"

Twilight looked at her five friends alongside her there on the floor of the throne room. She'd have to leave their sides. "Thank you, Princess Luna, but I can help hold court just fine from here."

The one apparently called 'Luna' seemed a bit puzzled, and was about to press further before being hushed by a covert hoof-gesture from Cadance. So instead it just said, "Very well. Certainly you are within earshot. Now then, to business. What are these things?"

"They're humans."

More whispering among the assembled ponies. Luna stared for a moment. "Humans. After all these eons." It looked from Page to the other humans. "They are somewhat larger than in the books."

"You are somewhat smaller than in our land," Pistol whispered.

"Peace!" Doll hissed.

The manners of Luna, however, were more familiar to Falstaff and the others. Falstaff went to one knee, and hurriedly motioned for the others to do the same. "I imagine many tales of our natures become twisted over time, Your... forgive me that I have not been tutored on local etiquette, but is it 'Majesty' or 'Highness?'"

Luna paused for a moment, thinking. "Interesting you should ask. 'Princess' seems to be the general address these days," she said, casting a disdainful look at some of the court nobility who were still whispering on the sidelines, "but I do sometimes miss being referred to as 'Your Majesty.'"

"Well then, your Majesty, far be it from me to disappoint."

This was a pleasant surprise for Luna, who straightened up and became more formal. "We greatly appreciate it. Now, by all means rise."

They rose, and Falstaff laid it on thick. "Forgive our trespass in your majestic land. The gate between our lands resembled a mere fog to our eyes. We still are not quite sure when we crossed over."

"This is plausible enough. The rift was visually inconspicuous on this side as well. Which leaves us only with the question of what to do with you until we are able to return you."

"If it please your Majesty, we request naught but sanctuary."

Luna beamed. "Finally, somepony with civilized manners!" She saw Doll Tearsheet stifle a giggle, and assumed it was a response to her error of pronoun (rather than a commentary on the level of accuracy in her appraisal of Falstaff's decorum). The all-powerful Princess of the Night corrected herself, "Our apologies, we momentarily forgot thou wert not a pony."

"Quite all right, your Majesty."

Luna then spent the better part of an hour unloading her frustrations. Falstaff commiserated, mostly by being very vague about his own problems in order to feign comparisons. Page and Rarity joined in somewhere along the way, with Bardolph providing some head-nods and quiet grunts of agreement. Cadance just observed with a silent smile. Twilight was trying to listen in while preventing Pinkie Pie from speaking, just as Doll Tearsheet and Mistress Quickly were endeavoring to keep Pistol silent.

Everypony else was either keeping awkwardly quiet, fighting to stay awake, or had fabricated excuses to leave.

"...and then, of course, they tried to 'sacrifice' candy to us, in a ritual with even less historical basis!"

Falstaff rolled his eyes. "Of course, tradition is prioritized over decency!"

"Your Majesty," Page said, "may I suggest a course of action should this disaster occur again?"

Luna indulged him. "Certainly, little one."

"You might try actually wearing a costume of the Night Mare, and thus turning it to a game instead of a fear."

Falstaff tried to covertly shush Page, but Luna laughed. "That is precisely what our solution wound up being! Was the key so obvious all along?"

"Well, it's good to know we all have some things in common," said Rarity.

Pinkie Pie, when Twilight finally trusted her to speak, whispered, "I've always wondered, how do they decide when to say 'thou' instead of 'you?'"

Twilight explained, "The pronoun 'thou' is informal-singular. You don't say 'thou' to somepony of higher status. And the second-pony plural is always 'you' or informally 'ye.'"

"So that's what it means," Fluttershy whispered.

"You didn't know?" Rainbow Dash asked Fluttershy. "But you can understand all their weird stuff."

Fluttershy looked embarrassed. "I can speak to animals, but I only hear their meanings, so I don't always know what the actual sounds mean."

Pinkie Pie thought for a moment. "So, 'thou' is single and informal only?"

Twilight began to explain. "Yes, it's a holdover from the days when it wasn't just royalty who used the plural pronouns, but all ponies of a high station in–"

To the relief of the other four ponies listening to their side conversation, Pinkie interrupted Twilight. "But they used the informal versions with us when we met."

"They didn't know us then." Now Twilight became puzzled once again. "But even so, it's more polite to use the formal terms when in doubt. I wonder why they risked escalating hostilities."

Pinkie Pie was also confused, but the other four figured it out. Fluttershy understood it from her animal friends, and Rarity knew it from her stints in high society. Rainbow Dash may not have spoke the language, but she understood that concept from her memories of fending off bullies at Summer Flight Camp so long ago, and Applejack had inadvertently learned it from Rarity and Rainbow Dash in their own squabbles a few years ago.

It was an eternal barrier to understanding.

"Really? The great sorcerer of Wales, and you can't even break a simple ice seal?"

"Yet I was not the one who wrote the spell."

"The exact spell that worked before."

"They have reinforced your cage since then, perhaps?"

"Or maybe you are not as strong as you claim."

Glendower considered a number of replies. He could state, truthfully, that he had held up his end of the bargain, but of course this thing would never be satisfied with failure. So instead, he assumed an aggressive stance once again, and said, "And you would measure that how?"

Shining Armor now came rushing back into the court, sat beside his wife, and said, "Sorry to interrupt, but Princess Celestia has returned, and is ready to see you all."

Luna looked at the sun outside the window. "Goodness, is it that late already? My apologies. I must retire for the day. Twilight, I don't suppose you could bring these creatures before us again some night?"

"I'll see what I can do," Twilight said, trying not to yawn.

The princess of the night exited, and several new beasts entered via the large doors on the other end of the throne room.

It was fairly obvious which one was the monarch. The equines in this land had a fairly uniform Shetland-esque height, with Cadance and Luna only slightly larger, but this beast was a full-sized horse.

In fact, she was the height of a dray. A large dray. Even Falstaff was dwarfed in comparison.

The monarch glanced at Cadance sitting formally by the throne and Twilight still beside her friends in front. She didn't comment, but she gave a small, knowing smile as she sat down. "Sorry for delaying proceedings, but I am pleased to inform you that, now that the rift has been closed, things seem to be getting back to normal."

There were sighs of relief from the assembled ponies who were still there and still awake. They slowly started to file out, leaving just the princesses, a few guards, and Twilight's friends. Plus the humans.

Once the company were fewer, Celestia levitated a tea set up to take a drink, then clarified. "I'm still waiting for Discord to report back from his latest fact-finding mission. But the energy surges seem to have quieted down as of last night." She turned her attention to the humans. "Unfortunately, this means our extradimensional visitors are temporarily stranded here. For which I humbly apologize, and promise that, as soon as it can be done safely, my personal technician will pour every available resource into finding a way to return you to your home."

Falstaff thought back to what awaited him on Earth. "We thank you, Your Majesty, but please, do not feel pressured."

Quickly added, "By all means, concentrate foremost on safety. We do hope to return someday, but not at the cost of further strife here."

Rarity whispered, "Goodness, what a reaction! Half of them don't care at all."

"They don't wanna get home?" Applejack was confused.

Fluttershy remembered something. "When they were talking to each other, I think I overheard one of them say their world was in trouble."

Rainbow Dash returned her attention to the proceedings. "Really?"

"That would explain some things," whispered Twilight. "I did notice they were being rather vague about their own backgrounds, even with Luna."

The reaction was not lost on Celestia either. For the moment, though, she let it slide. "Well, I am glad to hear the situation isn't urgent. In the meantime, you will be sheltered and provided for. Regarding that, however, there are a few things that will need to happen first. Is it all right if we clear up one or two things now, or would you like to wait?"

"Ask away," Falstaff mumbled, having gone back to squirming.

"I will have to ask you to submit to a medical examination, for your own safety as much as ours, as well as some interviews as to your dietary needs. Ordinarily I would want this sort of thing to remain confidential, but due to the sociopolitical angle of this situation, the records will have to be made publicly available, to maintain transparency. Now, it would be wrong of me to coach you on answers, but I can tell you ahead of time some of the questions you'll be asked, to give you more time to prepare."

"Much appreciated, Your Majesty," said Falstaff.

"I would like you to be honest as much as possible, but considerate of feelings as well. Speaking of which, there are a few topics that won't be specifically mentioned, but they will be at the forefront of some ponies' thoughts."

"Double meanings are a specialty of mine, Majesty," said Falstaff.

"They certainly are," Quickly seconded.

"A proverbial area of expertise," thirded Doll.

"The best I ever had the poor judgment to consort with," Bardolph added.

"Cozening the devil is a pastime of all the damn'd," said Pistol.

Doll exchanged a glance with Quickly, and said, "We humbly request permission to subdue and gag one of our fellow prisoners."

Rainbow Dash snapped awake long enough to shout, "Permission granted!" before falling asleep in midair once again.

Cadance was about to reply in the negative, but Shining Armor whispered in her ear, "Let them do it, let them do it!" and she rolled her eyes and refrained from speaking.

Celestia remained silent, one eyebrow raised.

It took a moment for Twilight to realize nopony else was going to speak, so when she said, "Now wait a minute..." it was already too late; Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet had already begun the long and laborious process of holding down, tying and gagging Pistol, using whatever was at their disposal.

Falstaff, meanwhile, turned to the monarch and meekly said, "To summarize, five of us are capable of reasonable diplomacy."

Celestia laughed. "Yes, I'm getting that. Now, first let's go over a couple things. I reiterate that what is said in this room does not have to leave it; so regardless of how 'tactful' you may wish to be with others later on, we do need you to be honest here and now. Can you be?"

Falstaff replied, "If I speak falsehoods, call me... uh... call me jockey."

Bardolph carefully stepped around the skirmish on the floor, to move forward stand at Falstaff's side. "I will do all I can."

"Thank you." Celestia turned momentarily to Twilight's friends. "Fluttershy, you might want to cover your ears for the first question."

Fluttershy needed no convincing.

"Now then. First off: Under normal circumstances, what do humans eat?"

"Ah." Falstaff nodded slowly. Then, patting his belly, he said, "I personally may not be a representative sample of human diet, and as such I will momentarily defer to my compatriots."

Page shrugged. "We eat a number of things."

Bardolph had figured out what they were really being asked. "May one inquire what your storybooks say we eat?"

Celestia was poker-faced. "I don't recall."

Falstaff now understood as well, and he became defensive. "We do not eat horses!"

The monarch's expression didn't change. "Good to know."

"I say by this hand, we do not!" Falstaff was quite used to talking his way out of his misdeeds, but being accused of something he hadn't done was startling, and he wasn't quite sure how to react.

"And I am genuinely glad to learn that, but I asked what you do eat. Now please, calm down and start over."

Falstaff looked at the others. Bardolph said, "I think we know not where to begin."

"Start with what sort of meat you eat."

The humans weighed their options. On the one hand they could just state that meat wasn't a necessary staple of their diet, which was technically true. But some of them did wish to clarify the truth to avoid rumors later on, so Page said, "Well, there are capons, beef, ham and fish..."

Celestia thought for a moment. "Those are... if I recall correctly... chickens, cows, pigs and fish, correct?"

"You have them here as well?" Falstaff asked.

"We do. They are not, however, game animals."

"That's good to know as well," replied Falstaff, not quite looking like he meant it.

Bardolph said, "Would one be correct in assuming that 'livestock' is not a classification at all, in this land?"

"For meat, it isn't. But, how are you on dairy, or eggs?"

"Are those an option?" said Falstaff.

"Of course they are."

"Those would be sufficient," Page said, "for products of flesh."

"I see. And as for organics, such as fruits, vegetables, grains?"

"We are certainly no strangers to those," said Bardolph.

Celestia pressed just a bit further. "And am I to understand that those, all together, would sustain you?"

Page pointed out, "Some of us thrive on such a diet voluntarily."

Celestia remained furtive, not showing whether she believed them or not. "So, just to make things clear... if I were to inform the cooks that all of you can subsist entirely on natural foods and dairy, this would not cause any health problems later on? Even long term?"

She was greeted with nods, of varying degrees of enthusiasm.

Finally the monarch allowed herself a smile. "That will make things run quite a bit smoother."

"How about wine?" Falstaff asked.

"Hard cider is more popular, but we can try."

Quickly and Doll had finally finished tying down Pistol, and now they returned to the conversation. Quickly had heard the mention of alcohol and it reminded her of her main profession. She asked, "What is the distribution of such drink?"

"Later," Doll Tearsheet whispered to her. She too was hopeful, though.

"Never mind."

"Quite all right," said Celestia.

Twilight gently nudged Fluttershy. "It's okay, they're done."

"So far so good," said Celestia. "Now, between us and these four walls, what were you running from?"

"Pardon?"

"You were fleeing from something last night, in the woods. That's what brought you through the portal." Celestia didn't mention how she knew that, in order to give them less chance to evade. "What were you running from?"

There was an uncomfortable silence among the humans.

"I understand if this is upsetting for you, but we need a general idea, at least."

It wasn't so much 'upsetting' as it was that they didn't want to admit they were fugitives from justice. They might get arraigned at some other point, and a past record wouldn't exactly help them. Eventually, Falstaff took a deep breath and answered in one semi-truthful word: "Politics."

There was a silence.

Rainbow Dash whispered, "War. I knew it." She pointed towards the tower where the humans' confiscated weapons had been sent for analysis. "Did you notice their weapons? Those weren't designed to fight ponies."

"I noticed. The balance and range are all wrong," said Twilight.

"We can't send them back now," Fluttershy insisted.

But before they could discuss all this further, they were interrupted by the sound of a finger snap, a flash of light, and, oh yes, a flying serpent-quilt-thing that appeared over their heads. "Behold, I have returned!" it proclaimed melodramatically. It then noticed the humans, and flitted around them, cackling, "What are these? They look hilarious!"

"They're from the rift."

That made the monster a bit more serious. "Oh. I see. Speaking of which, I have a few updates for all of you, when you're free."

"Are we free now?" Twilight asked Celestia.

"We probably should be." Celestia then addressed Twilight's five friends. "I trust we can leave these humans in your capable hooves for a few minutes?"

"You can count on us, princess!" Rainbow Dash saluted. "Twi, you'll keep us updated, won't you?"

"On anything I can."

The royalty adjourned. The five ponies still present encircled around the humans. There were some stony glares tossed around, though some were more amiable. Fluttershy nuzzled Page in an attempt to break the ice.

"That will be awkward once he is grown," Doll whispered to Quickly and Falstaff.

Rainbow Dash heard that, and crossed her hooves in midair. "For the record, Fluttershy has tamed full-grown bears, manticores and dragons!"

Quickly was stunned, but Doll didn't miss a beat. "I meant no aspersion to her capacities as a beastmistress, though Sir John will be the first to tell you he hath wrestled bears as well, with as much apparent veracity."

Rainbow Dash cast a sideways glance at Rarity and Fluttershy, hoping for an interpreter.

Rarity was trying to play peacemaker. "Now, now, we mustn't repeat the quarrel that landed us here. Let's try not to be passive-aggressive about it, shall we?"

"A lack of that may not be the forte of all present," said Bardolph.

Falstaff got down to business. "So, about that cider she talked of?"

Applejack looked a bit sheepish. "We don't normally ferment all that much of it, but we can make a bit more if you need." She then looked a bit more suspicious, though still sympathetic. "Thing is, how y'all gonna pay for it?"

Mistress Quickly replied, "I am but a poor barkeep. Depending on available positions, I have now begun entertaining the possibility of continuing in this vein, or perhaps even becoming proprietor of my own tavern and inn again."

"Ah." Applejack also didn't quite understand some of that, but she got a general idea. "Well, glad to see y'all... or most of y'all... displayin' a bit of work ethic."

"I love the way these things all talk!" Pinkie Pie squealed. "Hey, can we untie the grumpy-pants one? I wanna learn some more new words!"

Discord snapped his claws and a map appeared in the air. It was a map of Equestria.

He then plucked a candle from a chandelier and touched it to several points on the map, setting them alight. But instead of spreading, the flames stayed in the place he put them, acting like little glowing markers that he could move around the map by pulling them, with the map seeming to heal behind them as they moved.

He put one mark over the Everfree Forest, one beside Canterlot, one over Cloudsdale, and another over Manehattan. Then he turned the candle into a pair of oversized glasses and placed them on his nose, lapsing into a not-all-that-good impression of Twilight giving a science lecture as he delivered his report. "So, here's that rift we finally managed to close last night, and here are the origins of those energy pulses that caused the rift to open." He dramatically put one paw over his chest, closed his eyes, and said, "If you may recall, I was kind enough to put those instruments in place for you to try and measure the areas."

"Which we've been doing," Twilight said.

"What did you find?" Cadance asked.

Twilight shook her head. "Unfortunately, the ambient energy in those areas has been completely normal since then, so unless it happens again, we won't know exactly what caused it. I'm torn between wanting the rift to stay closed, versus wanting to find out what caused it to open."

"Well, you might not have to make that decision yourself," Discord said. He looked around for the candle, and remembered he'd turned it into the glasses, so he grabbed another one and put a flame on the map over the Crystal Mountains to the north. "Because, there's been another one here."

"Isn't that where King Sombra was imprisoned?" Twilight said.

"Indeed," said Celestia, making a note to brief Luna later on.

Discord continued. "And it's not just one spell this time. I felt several of them, in a row. Something is trying to open another doorway there. And it's trying hard."

"Did you catch it in the act?"

"I came close. I also put more sensors there, but whatever this new thing is, it doesn't like being measured, since it smashed those sensors into little bitty pieces the moment my back was turned."

Shining Armor spoke up. "If it's trying to open a gate there, does that mean Sombra's back?"

"It would explain a few things," said Cadance.

Twilight wasn't convinced. "But why that one specific part of the mountain? We defeated him, but we didn't re-seal him in the ice. Why would he need a doorway there if he already got out?"

Celestia pointed out, "It could be that just a fragment of his power escaped, and that his true form is still entrapped."

Cadance nodded. "I did think he went down a little easy, given his reputation."

"I should have checked the ice more thoroughly," said Celestia. "After that battle, I went up there to try and see how he'd escaped, but the seal was intact. I couldn't sense his aura still there, but he could easily have used some sort of concealment spell. Given everything else, I just assumed he had bypassed it entirely." She returned her attention to the present. "How strong was this new attempt?"

"Stronger than the first three put together, just cast in a smaller area."

"Focusing it into a smaller area to amplify its power," Twilight concluded. "But at that strength it should have succeeded. Maybe these portals can only work in the Everfree Forest?"

Discord took off the glasses and said, "Anyhoo, things have been quiet since then. Can I go do something fun now?"

Celestia nodded. "Thank you, Discord. Just please don't approach the otherworldly creatures without consulting me first."

"Ugh. Oh all right." But they detected a certain gleam in his eye as he snapped his claw and vanished once again.

The map was gone too, so Celestia levitated another map out from a box of scrolls. "Now, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, we need you to return to the Crystal Empire and lend them your protection once again. This includes keeping an eye on the mountains to the north."

Shining Armor looked concerned. Cadance reassured him, "We have the Crystal Heart this time, remember? I'll be fine." She too seemed a little troubled in spite of that, but she continued reassuring both herself and him as they went out together. "His power over the Crystal Ponies is already broken now, too."

As the two left, Twilight asked, "Am I going with them?"

"No. You will return to Ponyville with your friends, to secure accommodations for the humans."

"What? But why?"

"Even if King Sombra is more powerful than before, the Empire is much better defended this time."

"Oh." Twilight looked down, disappointed. "And I suppose I'm needed elsewhere, huh?" Gee thanks, wings, she couldn't help thinking.

"Of course you are. With Sombra's link to the Empire broken, he might now decide it's not worth his trouble at all, and set his sights elsewhere in Equestria. You might have to go elsewhere at short notice, and the Crystal Empire is more geographically isolated."

"Huh? Oh... you're right." Twilight had been expecting some lecture about priorities or political duties; a tactical reason came as a pleasant surprise. She raised a hoof to point at the map. "And if rifts can only open here, he might head here to try and escape Equestria altogether and wreak havoc on some other unsuspecting world."

"Precisely. And for a number of reasons, it will be helpful that your research on the cryptids will be conducted nearer to where the rift opened."

Twilight gave a relieved smile. "You already knew what I was planning."

Celestia smiled in return. "As your friends will no doubt be having to remind you quite often for a while, Twilight Sparkle, wings aren't going to change you."

As they returned, Pistol had his hands free, and was hastily untying the gag handkerchief that kept him from speaking, while shrugging off any attempt to help. Rainbow Dash kept an eye on him, while Mistress Quickly discussed with Applejack the possibility of getting into the cider retail business. Fluttershy had offered Page a ride through the air around the room, but as she saw Twilight and Celestia re-enter, she blushed and descended.

Celestia announced, "Hello again, everypony. My apologies that took so long." She glanced out the window at the sun, and then at the door on the other end of the great hall. From a distance, she opened those doors, and revealed the ponies of the royal court, some of whom now pitched forward due to their having had their ears pressed up against the doors. Celestia smiled gently, and said, "Dare I ask how long you've been there?"

One of them sheepishly said, "We didn't hear anything, your Highness."

"Oh, I know. The doors have a soundproofing spell on them." The eavesdroppers' expressions grew even more embarrassed, as Celestia gently continued, "Well, we mustn't keep them waiting. I'm afraid we'll have to cut this short. Twilight, would you mind escorting your guests to the science wing for more detailed interviews? I'm sure you can brief them on the way."

Once they were out, Rainbow Dash peered at Twilight. "What did she mean, your guests?"

Applejack groaned. "Don't tell me we're takin' 'em back to Ponyville with us."

"We can't just dump them all on Fluttershy's doorstep," said Rarity.

"I don't mind," said Fluttershy timidly.

Twilight reassured her friends. "We'll work something out." She then briefed them on what she had found out in the strategy meeting.

Rainbow Dash seemed disappointed. "You mean, Cadance and your brother might get to do the Sombra rematch without us?"

"Emphasis on 'might,' and we're still not sure it even is Sombra. Now, we're scaring the humans."

The humans had attempted, with varying degrees of success, to follow the conversation. They were about to reassure the ponies that they could handle the news, but then they finally arrived at the science wings for the examinations.

As the humans began to be led away, Twilight consoled them. "Don't worry. The examination will be thorough, but quick, and then we can get you set up in your new interim home in Ponyville with us." She rattled off a few activities she thought would sound appealing. "You can visit landmarks, play games, meet all sorts of ponies... you could even help with some friendship lessons."

"Friendship lessons?" Falstaff raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yes, I forgot to mention. I was once sent to study the magic of friendship, and help others learn as well. I don't know how familiar you are with the concept, but the five tenets are kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty and loyalty."

Falstaff wasn't quite sure what to say as he was led to the exam rooms. Doll Tearsheet was led in shortly after, but she had a parting thought.  "You would bestow upon Sir John a moral compass?"

There was a pause. Once the humans were out of the room, the ponies gathered around a small table in the waiting room to confer. Applejack asked, "What'd she mean by that?"

Rarity turned to address Rainbow Dash. "Dashie, dear, with respect to your brilliant insight on their weapons, I think it might be a slight leap of logic to infer that they were telling the truth."

"I didn't say they were honest about everything. But you don't have to be perfect to have a legit reason to fall back," replied Rainbow, sounding slightly defensive.

"What, you think they're fugitives?"

Pinkie Pie giggled. "Well duh, of course they are. I thought it was obvious."

They all stared at her. After a moment, Twilight asked, "Is this another of your mystery-theories again, Pinkie?"

"Theories? Silly Twilight, you taught me to look for clues instead of making things up, remember?"

"And... and you listened?"

"Yep! And when I'm faced with an entirely new culture to throw parties for, I want to extra-super-hone my clue-finding skills so I also know what will help them feel welcome!"

Twilight exchanged some skeptical looks with the others, but she indulged her energetic friend for the moment. "All right, Detective Pinkie, how much do you know about them?"

Pinkie Pie tossed six manila file folders onto the table. Paper-clipped to each was a drawing and name of one of the humans. "These are my case file dossy-ears, on each of them!"

"It's pronounced dossiers, and that's not the same thing as a 'case file,'" Twilight corrected her, as she opened one.

"Oops. I should probably go over an actual handbook. But how are my clue-finding skills, Chief Detective Lieutenant Inspector Princess Twilight?"

Twilight examined a couple of the files. "Hmm. Actually this isn't too bad so far. But you mistranslated some of the archaic language again, and that threw a couple of your deductions off. Here, let me show you."

The other ponies examined the other folders. Each dossier had several pages of hoofwritten text and a few sketches, detailing everything each one of the humans had said since she had encountered them, with dense notations about expressions and tone of voice, to provide context for her attempts to translate some of the more obscure phrases and terms, plus a massive list of deductions about their biographies and histories drawn from the clues presented.

Applejack stared at the notes. "Wait, when the hay did you make th–"

"Best not to ask," said Rarity, trying not to look too bewildered herself.

I,v: "Breathe Life Into a Stone"

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

I,iv: "Betwixt Tavern and Tavern"

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

I,i: "Nothing Allied to Your Disorders"

Chapter 1: "Act I, Scenes I-III"

March 1413

A prison in London

The world was wrong.

It had been so for a while, and they'd all known it. They just hadn't wanted to see it. Surely there was time for one more adventure, one more fleece, one more carefree night before the loans came due, before the bailiffs came knocking, before the illnesses presented, and before time or luck pulled another of them away.

And for one brief moment there had been hope. At the last instant before their deeds caught up with them, he had been set to become the greatest in the land, and he had promised to take all of them up with him.

He would have done it, too, except–

I know thee not, old man.

Every word out of Hal's mouth had been horrible, but that first sentence haunted him most.

His own words hadn't been much better: his paralyzed silence as Hal spoke, and then his insistence afterwards that, no, seriously, Hal was just kidding and they were about to be sent for in private, because of course now that Hal was king he had to pretend not to like them anymore... and then the horror as they'd realized it was no joke, they were really banished and they were really carried off in chains.

They would allegedly be provided for, given a modest means to keep them off the proverbial streets; but they were all banished from a ten-mile radius around the new king. Unless they "reformed," so they were told. As if a man of his age could unlearn his vocation! As for now they sat in the docks, guarded by bailiffs, waiting for arraignment.

Maybe their debts would be paid off as part of this new 'allowance.' Or maybe they would all be forced into debtor's servitude or public service for God only knew how long.

Part of that question was about to be answered, as the beadles Fang and Snare arrived. He assumed they were there to arraign him, but instead they addressed one of his companions.

"Justice Shallow," said Fang, "in view of your long service to the law, you shall be loosed on terms you sever ties with bandits, rogues, and other malefactors."

"That I will gladly do," said Robert Shallow instantly, as he pulled himself to his feet by his cane. Without so much as a backward glance at his companions, he said, "I suppose it is too much to hope that my thousand pounds will be repaid, since the man I lent it to is without means aside from those provided by the king?"

"We would not know about that," replied Snare with an awkward glance at Fang.

"I thought not." Shallow stormed out, as best his old frame could storm. "I shall return to Gloucestershire at once."

"Now then," said Fang. "Ensign Pistol is to be arraigned alongside the Mistresses Quickly and Tearsheet, for the killing of one William Visor."

"We were defending ourselves from a battering! Nemo nos impuné lacessit!" roared Pistol, his excited speech the usual morass of dramatist misquotes and mangled Latin.

"That is for law's determinance, not ours.  Now, this old fat man and his two remaining companions will be delivered up to any place they choose, outside of London. Come along." The beadles led him, along with Bardolph and his page, to the door. "You have three days to settle what affairs you have, and leave. You may send messengers once you are settled, and you will be sent a reply regarding your allowance. Until then, farewell." And with that, the doors opened in front of them and closed behind them.

Sir John Falstaff saw daylight once more.

But he was not pleased. "We 'will be sent for,' says he? Indeed we shall be sent for when God's trumpets sound, but until that day, we will be as birds pecking at crumbs from the hands of Lancaster and the Lord Chief Justice. If Hal will not by association tarnish his own crown, not a crown of his will reach us before passing through their tight-knit fingers, which will play upon a lyre's strings and have us dance like puppets for their amusement."

"So what do you suggest we do, Sir John?" Bardolph asked.

"I know not."

Then behind them, they heard a familiar voice. "I am sent to transport prisoners to trial. I have a document to that effect. The prisoners: two women and a man."

It was fortunate that Fang and Snare were not the most perceptive of men. Peto's forgery skills were not exactly refined, and the horse and carriage he had brought for the three remaining prisoners was clearly civilian. On Fang and Snare, however, the ruse worked; and so Pistol, Mistress Quickly and Doll Tearsheet were loaded into the cart. Falstaff, Bardolph and the page concealed themselves out of sight and followed at a distance until they were safely out of the city, and went to a blacksmith who took discreet coin to break the chains.

After that, the six conferred.

Well, three of them conferred. Falstaff, who had never voluntarily traveled so far on foot in his life, was too winded to speak for a while, and so busied himself with silently breaking up the frequent arguments between Pistol and Doll.

"We have no choice but flight!" insisted Quickly. "The officers will scour the Boar's Head Tavern for sign of us, assuming it has not been repossessed yet!"

"Some of us might tarry and see about the allowance," Bardolph said, but he already knew that would not do.

"Easy for one who is not scheduled for whipping to say. Do you expect the king to allowance me?"

Bardolph looked over at the others, arguing as they were. He knew Falstaff would never be pleased with the arrangement offered. But still he wondered, "In what place may such persons as us begin anew?"

The page, despite his learning the habits of his master and their companions, was still a child who had seen one too many pastoral plays, so he said, "Perhaps in the 'Shires and woods we may live as Robin Hood."

The three of them eventually voted to travel to Gloucestershire and try to reconcile with Justice Shallow; and if they could not do that, then to seek out some other of Falstaff's old acquaintances. And if all that failed, they would make their way to Dover and catch a ship bound for France, where they could perhaps scout out the Forest of Arden for a possible camp. Apparently the local duke was a genial sort.

Now they just had to broach the idea to the others.

Falstaff expressed skepticism about his ability to reconcile with Shallow, but Doll Tearsheet reminded him, "You talk your way back to her good graces every time," and Falstaff hurriedly agreed just to steer the topic away from his repeated promises of marriage to Mistress Quickly.

He quickly turned to Peto and said, "Peto, art thou rejoining with us?"

"Nay, I fear I must return," says Peto. "I merely came to do one final deed before retirement."

So, Peto was going to take the king's offer of reform after all. This wasn't exactly a surprise. At their last tavern adventure, Peto had pulled Hal away, and gone with him just like Poins had. But at least Peto was here to save them now; Poins was probably gloating with the Lord Chief Justice over tea and crumpets. Falstaff gave him a smile and farewell, then grumbled to Bardolph, "Hal hath cleansed his image so thoroughly that the polish spills onto those around him."

"It spreads like some disease," Bardolph replied in kind.

"Talk not of diseases now. A plague hath befallen the kingdom."

"Before we depart, shall we go back for our horses?" Bardolph addressed the group.

"We have no time!" insisted Quickly.

Falstaff was about to protest, but Doll interrupted him, "Come, we may rustle horses on our way."