Muffins

by Sinful Pickle

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 2232

Pinkie and Derpy learned together the art of the cupcake. But, with a few changes to the recipe, Derpy makes muffins.

Pinkie Pie and Derpy learned together the art of the cupcake. But Derpy can do better. With a few changes to the recipe, she makes muffins.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-19 04:00:01 UTC

Muffins

Pinkie Pie was very excited about today. She’d just made cupcakes with Rainbow Dash yesterday, and as per usual, nobody suspected a thing.

        Oh, making cupcakes with Dashie had been fun, fun, fun! The pegasus had screamed and cried with joy. Later today Pinkie would have Applebloom over for cooking lessons. She might just be a kid, but she was so much fun! Most foals would have run had they known, But the little yellow filly was like Pinkie; she reveled in the gore.

        And so did Derpy.

Very few knew this, but Derpy Hooves wasn’t the idiot she pretended to be. She was a genius, in fact. But she was also just as psychotic as Pinkamena. Derpy and Pinkie together had discovered how to make the perfect cupcake. But Derpy decided to leave the cupcakes to Pinke Pie. So what did that leave to Derpy?

        Why, muffins of course.

Pinkie Pie was hopping on over to Sugarcube Corner when she suddenly remembered: She was supposed to be helping Derpy make muffins in fifteen minutes!

Oh crap, how could I have forgotten!thought the party pony.

You’re so stupid, how could you have remembered?snapped her other personality.

        Pinkie was surprised. Pinkamena had been giving her the silent treatment for three weeks.

So you’re talking again! I was getting lonely over here by myself.

What about your many friends?

They’re not my real friends. I only have a few of those.

Yeah, I know. I am you, remember?

Of course I- oh look we’re here!

Derpy’s home was nothing special. It wasn’t that clean, but wasn’t that dirty either. It was... Comfortable. Lived in.

Ringing the doorbell, Pinkie wondered how Time Turner fell for Derpy’s act. Did she really keep up the whole thing all the time? Did her family actually know? And how did Derpy make her eyes do that thing, anyway? Pinkie Pie often pondered things like this, as Derpy wouldn’t tell the pink earth pony anything.

The door opened, and a little unicorn filly stood there with a smile on her face.

        “Hi Miss Pinkie! Are you here to see my mother?”

        “You must be a psychic, Dinky!”

        “Ooh! maybe that’s my special talent! Ohmygosh what if it really is or maybe I’m magical like Twilight Sparkle but I can only really do healing spells and levitation spells, but-”

        Just then, the wall-eyed pegasus trotted over to them.

“Pinkie Pie, come in! I hope Dinky didn’t talk your ears off.”

        “Is that even possible?”

        “I dunno. Time, do you think it’s possible?”

        Time Turner let out an exasperated sigh. “No, honey, I don’t think that’s possible. Oh, I’m going to be late. ’Bye.”

        “’Bye.”

        As he kissed his wife and walked out the door, Pinkie wondered what he was late for.

Work, idiot.

Why are you always so mean to me?

Because it’s fun, fun, fun, Pinkamena mocked.

        “Hey, how’s Pinkamena doing?”

        The pink pony’s colors got duller and her hair straightened as Pinkamena took over.

        “I’m doing good. As good as I can be, at least, considering I share a body with someone else and most ponies don’t even know I exist. But other than that, life’s great!” Sarcasm dripped from her words. But Derpy was used to Pinkamena, and was one of the only two ponies (besides Pinkie) to know of her existence.

        “Never mind that. Let’s get down to business.”

Walking into the soundproof basement, Pinkie (having taken over once again) saw the unconscious pony tied down was none other than Mayor Mare.

        “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? WE CAN’T MAKE MUFFINS WITH THE MAYOR! PEOPLE WILL NOTICE SHE’S MISSING!”

        “Pinkie, calm down! They might notice, but they’ll never find out. They’ve never suspect us in the past, why start now?”

        “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But I still think it’s risky.”

        “Where’s the fun in something that isn’t risky?”

        “There isn’t any.”

        “Exactly.”

Waking up, Mayor Mare felt woozy. As she slowly came to, she realized she was strapped down to something. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light, she saw Derpy Hooves with her eyes... uncrossed?

        “Hello Mayor.”

“Derpy? Where am I? The last thing I remember, I was eating lunch, then something hit me in the back of the head, and-”

        “That was a frying pan. They can be used for things besides cooking, you know.”

        “Ha ha, you got me. Now can you untie me now?”

        “If we did that, we couldn’t make muffins!”

        “Pinkie Pie, thank god you’re here. Could you please let me out?”

        “Pinkie isn’t here. I’m Pinkamena.”

        “So can you let me out now?”

        “Nope, we need to make muffins. Hey, Derpy, it’s really dark, could ya turn on the lights?”

        Derpy flipped the light switch, and Mayor Mare gasped, horrified. Everywhere there were shelves and tables covered in jars. Inside the jars were preserved hearts. They were mementos from Derpy’s exploits (much like Pinkie’s dress of cutie marks), but Mayor Mare didn’t know that.

        When she screamed, Derpy simply said, “I haven’t even started yet and you’re already screaming. I wonder what you’ll do when I get the special ingredient.”

        “What special ingredient?”

        “Hey Pink, did Dash this many questions?”

        “Yeah! It’s funny how when ponies wake up strapped down to a table, all they want to do is ask questions.”

        “I know, it’s weird. I’d keep my mouth shut and try to think of a way out.”

Seeing Pinkamena change into Pinkie and back again shocked the Mayor. She didn’t quite know what happened, but she could tell they weren’t the same. The look in the pony’s eyes shifted. The mayor looked at the pink mare.

        “Pinkie Pie, wh-”

        “Pinkamena.”

        “What?”

        “My name is Pinkamena! If you want to talk to Pinkie, I’ll go.”

        The pony’s colors brightened and her mane curled as Pinkie took control.

        “You wanted to talk to me?”

        “Uh, what just- who was- How did you do that?”

        “Do what?”

        “The thing with your mane.”

        “What thing?”

        “It was straight! And- and you colors were duller! It was like you were someone else!”

        “That’s because I was someone else, silly!”

        “But who?”

        “Me, dumbass,” Pinkamena replied, taking over once more. “Weren’t you listening? I’m Pinkamena, not Pinkie. You need to pay attention.”

        “Okay. So, Pinkamena, can you unt-”

        “Enough! We can talk while we work.”

        “Work?”

Derpy revealed a cart full of various knives and medical tools.

        “Wh-what are those for?”

        “You, obviously.”

        “But wh-”

        “Do you ever shut up? You’re worse than Pinkie.”

        “Hey! I don’t talk any more than most ponies. Yes, I’m a little talkative, but that’s not a bad thing. You make it sound like a bad thing, and-”

        “And you just proved my point.”

        “How do you ch-”

        “Shut. Up. Now.”

        The mayor was terrified. She no longer thought this was a joke, and had realized that the two innocent-looking ponies were truly psychotic.

        “You’ll never get away with this.”

        Pinkamena and Derpy looked at each other and laughed.

        “Do you have any idea how long we’ve been doing this?”

“Well, no, but-” She was interrupted by another bout of laughter.

        “But I’m the mayor! If you kill me, they’ll find you!”

        “They’ll have to find you first.”

        “They’ll find me!”

        “Your ashes, maybe.”

“But-”

“Shut up.”

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

Derpy was about to carve out the mayor’s cutie mark when Pinkie appeared and let out a shout.

        “What is it?”

        “I just remembered I’m supposed to be giving Applebloom cooking lessons in ten minutes!”

        “Then you better get going!”

        “’Bye!”

        “’Bye!”

        “Lessons? What kind of lessons? If you’re teaching this to a foal then I’ll- I’ll-”

        “Do nothing because you’ll be dead?”

        The mayor gulped. Probably, she thought.

        “Now let’s get started.”

Derpy picked up a scalpel, and, ever so slowly, placed it against her victim’s flank.

        “Hey, Mayor, how’d you get your cutie mark? I got mine creating the perfect bubble soap.”

        “Well I-” She screamed as the knife bit her flank. As the pegasus lifted away the skin, she stopped screeching. In Derpy’s hooves lay the mayor’s cutie marks.

        “Hey, Mayor, how’d you lose your cutie mark?” she teased. After dropping the skin onto a table, Derpy walked back over to the light brown mare. She picked up a different knife and placed it against the other pony’s leg. She sliced open the skin, then removed a piece of the muscle. The mayor watched with horror as Derpy devoured the flesh.

        “Hey, you’re pretty good. Want some?”

        Not waiting for a reply, she quickly took another morsel and thrust it in the mayor’s mouth. She promptly choked on it, and coughed it up.

        “If you didn’t want it, you should have said something.” She put on a fake pout. “Anyway, that was nothing. Now we’re really getting started!”

“What?”

Derpy left for a few moments, then returned with a large can. As the pegasus approached she could see that it was filled with hot coals. Picking up a knife, she cut several incisions in the mayor’s front legs. Then, using tongs, Derpy put a piece of the hot coal in each cut. Mayor Mare wailed.                                                                        “Why are you doing this to me!?” she managed to get out between sobs.                        “Because your number came up. And I can’t just put it back then get another one, now can I? Besides, you’re a terrible mayor anyway, I don’t know how you ever got elected.”                                                                                                        The mayor was shocked at this. You could see it all over her face.                                "Surprised? Perhaps had you actually done something besides giving a speech, Winter Wrap-Up might have gone differently. Maybe if you’d pay more attention, you would have noticed all the missing ponies. See, your ‘leadership’ may have led to this.” She continued to put coal in the Mayor’s legs.

Mayor Mare realized she had never really known pain until this moment. Pain became all she knew. Her memories, her senses, her thoughts. They all vanished, replaced by pain. It encompassed her as she went unconscious.

Mayor Mare woke up with a gasp. As Derpy took the hypodermic needle out of her chest, she said, “Don’t you know how rude it is to fall asleep when you’re spending time with someone?”

        She managed to get out a few words. “You’re... crazy... why... please stop... wanna go home...”

        “Please speak more clearly, I can’t understand you,” Derpy asked innocently. Mayor Mare moaned in response.

        “Oops, almost forgot. I have to take Dinky to school.” Derpy left, walking up a set of stairs the mayor hadn’t noticed until then.

Dinky watched her mother come out of the basement.

        “Mom, how come I’m not allowed in the basement?” She had asked this question many times before, but her mother was used to it.

        “Dinky, the stuff I keep in there is not something I want you to see. Now, muffin, it’s time to go to school.”

        “Okay mom.”

Actually, she thought, maybe it's time...

After sending her daughter off to school, Derpy Hooves returned to her prey. After descending the stairs, she picked up a hypodermic needle filled with a clear blue liquid and injected it into the Mayor’s upper spine.

“That’s just a little something to dull the pain.”

Mayor Mare groaned in response.

The medicine took effect almost immediately. Mayor Mare felt her barrel become numb, then her legs, then her hooves. She calmed down a little, and the tears stopped flowing.

“Relieved? Don’t be.”

“Wh-What?”

The pegasus picked up a scalpel and put a slice just above the earth pony’s crotch, then a similar one just below her chest. She then proceeded connect the two cuts. With a sound akin to boots being pulled out of the mud, Derpy opened the flaps.

The sight of it, coupled with the intense numbness, caused Mayor Mare to gasp in shock. She almost passed out again when her tormentor started to pull out her organs. She watched in horror as Derpy took out her intestines and wrapped them around the Mayor’s neck.

“Ooh, nice scarf. You’re gonna give Rarity a run for her money. You know, I never understood why she represents the Element of Generosity. She’s one of the most self-centered ponies I know. What, just because she gives her tail to a gay sea serpent, that makes her generous? That’s bullshit. I mean, she can be generous sometimes, but those time sure are rarities. Ha ha. Get it?”

The mayor moaned.

“What? Cat got your tongue?”

“N-n-no,” she stammered. That was a remarkable feat in itself, as she was losing blood very quickly and her own intestines were wrapped around her neck.

Derpy continued, not stopping until she reached Mayor Mare’s stomach. She took it out and shoved it into the Mayor’s mouth. When the earth pony started to choke, she took it out to let her breathe. Then, picking up the scalpel for the last time, she cut flaps in the center of the Mayor’s chest. She removed the breastbone to reveal the still-beating heart. She plunged her bare hooves into Mayor Mare’s chest and ripped it out. She slowly walked to the table, where an empty jar stood. She placed the heart into it, sealed it, and went to wash up.

When Dinky Doo came home from school that day, her mother was waiting for her on the porch. That was unusual, as Derpy was normally home at least twenty minutes after her daughter.

“I want to teach you the art of the muffin...”