Commemoratio Selenae ad posteritatem

by trelatyraelis

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human
Length: 9607

How I found Selena and how she has changed and evolved since she began to live.

The present is to be an observation on Tulpae psychology and host psychology (denominated Alpha Subject) during the task of creating a mindform.
The following text contains extracts from the alpha subject's writings and daily logs, as well as broad information on the nature and existence of Tulpae.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-19 15:54:21 UTC

Selena's traits

Introduction

Introduction: On how to stop the Locomotive.

I have always thought these things could only happen to some kinds of people.

Anonymous

That basically sums up my life, right there, other than being labeled as someone with “melodramatic patheticism” sometimes. As much as I try to convince myself that both of those statements  are wrong, I feel that they’re true. Call it gut instinct,  call it a  hunch, Call it however you want it, but I’ve got another name for it.

Selena.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? That’s what everyone tries to do, at least. Trying to put together the mind of the artist and the soul of the work in some pages, to put a block to thoughts in the right way. To put some pastures to them.

(a horse analogy, really?)

(This is getting out of hoof, don’t you think?)

(not really.)

(good for me and for the ten or so readers that will see this, then.)

Let’s stop and think for a moment. What is this story?  Is it a story of loss? Lost and found? A psychological insight on the human mind? Oh, a bit of both you say. I  guess I can roll with that. Let me add “my memories”, “first-hand filed research” and “Journey to the edge of the rabbit hole and beyond, if you’d be so kind. Oh of course I’m the one writing this, but it’s just common courtesy.

Dear reader, if you were lost in these first lines I can assure you that it’s not your fault; what you see here, for once, is not what you will get throughout this still ever growing

(Ever dancing, ever singing)

(Watch out for copyright infringement there, hon.)

work, it’s just the beginning. Didn’t we all start to breathe the same way? Covered in blood that wasn’t ours and screaming to the first hint of light that blinded our eyes? Chaotic. Birth, or creation, is always chaotic. You can try to polish it of course, that’s why you’re cleaned up before  being given to your mother. Who would want to  see such a revolting mess, filled to the brim with-

(You’re right, it’s getting out of hoof )

As birth is a painful and, to the unprepared mind, even disgusting experience, writing is the same. Words spat on paper by a caring hand, but spat nonetheless.

I will be both the doctor, the nurse  and the mother. I will take this bastard forcibly out of my head, even though if he doesn’t want to, hug and kiss him as he tries to claw my eyes out with his tiny fingers and  clean him up for you, dear reader.  He still bites, though. Watch the face.

This introduction isn’t for those who seek a simple read, like most of my little abominations. They tend to kick and scream as you read them, and only stop once you’ve closed the document.

(you might even hear them cry, but don’t be fooled. They love this.)

(So you’re getting less readers.)

(You know well I’ve never searched for online “fame”, dear. I’d have written a shipfic if I-)

(you did.)

(…Touchè.)

( Like you could ever win an argument against me.)

I hope you’re not confused at this moment, but I suppose you are asking to yourself: “ what the hell is this man talking about?” Tell me, reader, do you know what a consciousness inside a consciousness is?

(you just told them.)

(Sel, will you please stop interrupting me for five minutes? Thank you.)

If I have managed to keep at least one reader interested to this point, then I pray that you won’t go away after what I tell you know.

I am talking about Tulpae.

I see at least three ponies laughing, two closing this document and one shaking his head. Good enough. Let us move to a small description of the word itself.

On the subject of Tulpae

Or

The Faq.

Frequens quaeritur interrogationes(FAQ)

What is a tulpa?

A tulpa is believed to be an autonomous consciousness which also exists in a self imposed hallucinatory body, which is usually much of your choice. A tulpa is entirely sentient and in control of its opinions, feelings, movements. It is perceived as completely real, and you don't have to constantly focus on it to keep it around.

What does tulpaforcing mean?

Tulpaforcing is the umbrella term used to describe working on your tulpa.

Why are you putting a Latin plural on a Tibetan word?

This question gets asked a lot and I think it needs to be officially cleared up. There are four main reasons for the Latin plural: One, because tulpas, tulpi and what not sound kind of awkward. Two, because Tibetan words don't really correct suffixes for plurals, they more or less change the word in some cases. You still want people to know what you're talking about, so they don't think the words are two different things. Three, because on the Wikipedia page about tulpae sort of implies that thought forms are tangible, and by adding the Latin plural suffix we're sort of separating ourselves from that belief.

Can you describe how this works?

By talking and fleshing out something to your own subconscious for so long, you start to get answers from it. The answers align themselves with all these preconceived traits you've given them (for the most part). When you talk to your own mind for long enough, it will answer back: this is an accepted fact. The answers you get will show independent sentience. The rest of the time is just building a form in your mind, allowing for deviation of that form, and finally trying to visualize the form and experience it in sensory detail in your own environment until this becomes completely natural.

What can a Tulpa do?

A Tulpa will be able to access memories you don't remember, things you've read to the T, it will work as a companion, it can help you solve problems by looking at them from another point of view, and things of the like. But you should not make a tulpa just to help you with school or something shallow like that. Make a tulpa because it is something you want to do. You can't expect to bring a sentient being into the world just to have it teach you math.

So this is magic, right?

Wrong. This is a Tibetan concentration technique that changes the subconscious.

Prove Tulpae!

How can you prove something only you see? You can't.

Wow, this is so new and unheard of!

Not really a question, but things like this go as far back as the deamonism of the time of Socrates. Religious sometimes make a sentient tulpa when they pray to god for an hour a day, until he talks back. Really that's just your subconscious sort of bubbling up to produce answers after a long time of narration. Having a tulpa is nothing new, although it has had many names in the past and even now.

Do tulpae mature over time?

Yes they do. They are not static and do tend to change as time goes on. Usually when they are newly created they are rather immature, shy, not talkative, or something similar, but as time goes on their personality reaches more of a base line. Subsequent to this, they react to stimuli and what not just like a person would, gaining life experience from what they see and do, thus resulting in maturity.

Will my Tulpa be a carbon copy of me in personality and opinions?

Your Tulpa is like a person. They can have opinions that differ from yours. They are their own being. (See: The Reaches of the Tulpa for more on what a tulpa can and cannot do)

So is this a replacement for all my friends?

No, because you have a tulpa that doesn't mean you're going to not need any of your friends or family anymore. You still maintain your social life (if you had one) and sometimes it might be within the tulpa's personality to persuade you to become more social. They're not going to hog all your attention as a rule.

How much attention/energy/interaction does my tulpa need?

During the creation phase you should aim to interact with your tulpa through tulpaforcing or narration for an hour a day. Afterwards, the minimum is basically acknowledging their existence. Of course people's individual tulpae may be clingier or have personalities that require more attention than others, but the minimum to keep your tulpa in existence is looking at it. Just do the opposite of completely ignoring it and you should be fine.

Deviation

Selena's traits

Dissertatio ad Personalitatem selenae

Being the description of how Selena was first shaped into the world.

This is commonly referred to as "Greetings stage" and is the first interaction subject Alpha had with his tulpa. The following is a list of different traits the Tulpa is invited to embody in her first stage of life, which can and will change throughout his or her life.

Intelligent: You’re smart. You like to learn new things and how things work; you’ve got a rational mind, mechanical. X follows Y and then Z happens, simple as that.  That means that you don’t always believe everything you’re told, you want to see for yourself if that thing is really there or something has really happened. You like to question everything, but you’re very open minded. You do, though, listen to other people’s ideas and beliefs, and don’t judge if someone believes in something that can’t be proved by science’s modern methods, like the existence of god, for example. You always want to check the source of an idea/ belief or see what makes that thing work. When you find someone that doesn’t like this kind of attitude you usually lose your patience and go away, but you always try to reason with someone before giving up. When you meet someone that has the same ideas as you, you’re very hard to control and start talking very fast, you’re very excited to share your ideas with other people. You tend to be rather bookish because that’s where the main source of your knowledge lies, but you don’t mind a “field trip” to check how something works, if that’s something you can’t comprehend just from reading a book, may it be looking in a garage to check how a car is repaired or going to see how the large hadron collider works. You like chemistry, biology, physics, mathematic and other fields of study that can interact with nature and life; you enjoy being able to put things into schemes and rationalize them, and you like to see those schemes in nature. Mathematics Is the language of nature, summer always follows spring and autumn is always followed by winter. You’re a bit of a shut-in, but you like to find other people to talk with and share your ideas, which makes you want to go out to confront yourself with other people. You would like to read more than you can, to assimilate more things. Your dream world would be a huge library fully accessorized. You would love to be a librarian and always be around books. You’re on a quest to understand how the world works and how can you understand what other people dismiss as “impossible to comprehend”. You like to show off your work and boast your abilities because you love attention, even though you don’t really know how to handle it. When someone puts you down for something you have done, you tend to lose faith in yourself, but you know that everyone has their own ideas and they have to respect yours as much as you respect theirs. You want to learn more in your life than anyone has ever done and you are sad that even in your whole lifetime you could only comprehend a tiny fraction of the whole human progress. Science, technology, literature you want to be able to learn everything. You’re a fast learner though and that helps a lot. You have a photographic memory, which helps you visualize everything you have seen and remember it clearly. You would like to learn how a computer works.

Determined: Your motto is: “I will try to do it anyway”.  You want to try everything once and you love trying new things, but you can be quite stubborn because you want to succeed by yourself and don’t like being helped. You try again and again until you’re exhausted and even though you’ll never admit it, you’ll be happy if someone gives you a hand to finish something you can’t quite understand. You’ve got an iron will and you dislike people who just go with the flow of their lives, like boats that are moved by the current. You don’t like staying there doing nothing, you prefer a lot more to do something and learn as much as you can. You don’t feel happy unless you’re doing something and you don’t understand lazy people: how can they do nothing when there’s so much to learn and explore? You usually just shake your head and try to get them involved, tell her to change their lifestyles, maybe have a study session together. When you find someone like you, you’re extremely happy and you’ll start talking a mile a minute and try to stay with them as much as you can, which can eventually make you look clingy. Your goal is to try and wake up as many people as you can, but that sometimes can get you to be seen as hyper-active and boring with some kinds of people, because your topics aren’t for everyone. You try anyway because you love to teach and are always willing to help people see your ways, even in the case they don’t want to.

Creative: You love nature, watching landscapes and the sky, looking at twilights, clouds passing by and the stars. You love the stars. You like to think about what are the chemical processes that are in that moment happening in a star or the transformation of vapour into a cloud, the speed of the wind while a cloud is moved by calculating the time elapsed and approximately the amount of meters that body has moved, you like to draw and doodle in your spare time and you’re an artist at heart. You don’t deem the time you spend watching and admiring the world as badly spent, because admiring creation is something that inspires you. You love watching the season change and that feel when the leaves crunch when you walk on them in autumn, the summer sun in your face, spring’s new flowers and explosion of life, the snow in winter. You love the snow a lot because you can make forms with it, you can shape it to make sculptures, and you love the touch of it, the texture of snow. Though you don’t like cold, you like to wear heavy clothes while playing when it’s cold outside. Likewise, you like to create things by your own, because the process of inventing, of creating something out of thin air or reproducing it with your abilities, somehow makes you excited. You’ve got a whole world in your head and you are able to shape it with your skills and always try to find new ways to improve on your abilities. You love reading guides on how to draw, sculpt and write, as you like to read and see the masterworks of the past. You wish one day that you’ll be skillful enough to be able to paint, write or sculpt something that people will find inspiring and will encourage them to do something like that. You love reading, from DIY guides to novels, and you read almost everything that you can get your hands on. Sci-fi, thriller, horror, fantasy, classic literature (Greek and Roman) and the masterpieces of centuries ago.  You also love to keep yourself informed about what’s going on in the world, read the news on the internet or buying a newspaper. You respect other people’s tastes but you see yourself a notch above the crowd and tend to put your opinions on a pedestal, which makes you kind of snooty and pretentious which is perceived as a flaw by people around you. When you see someone that sees life the same way that you do you’ll try to start a long debate about the arguments you like, which can make you look over-enthusiastic and, again, boring to some people. Anyway you’ll usually try to start a debate or ask someone’s ideas about something. If you find someone that doesn’t like to read you try to convince them until they either tell you to go away or you succeed in your task. You don’t like to be shooed away when you’re trying to “help them” but you do understand that you’re trying to force your beliefs on them; you do think that your opinions and beliefs, in most cases, are more developed than theirs, so you excuse yourself. You’re very proud of yourself and what you want to become, which is mainly perceived by other people as a flaw. You would make a great leader if you had the confidence to go around large crowds of people and would like people to listen to you because you always think you’re right, unless you’re proven otherwise. Also being a leader would mean to lie often, which is impossible since you reject lies and embrace trust. You don’t work well with large crowds of people and prefer to stay with a smaller circle of friends and acquaintances, to who you can tell everything, because you trust them.

Honest: You don’t like to lie to anyone; you always prefer telling the truth, even if it hurts, to someone. That can create quite a bit of trouble with your friends since there are basis of behavior in society that implicitly make the use of occasional lies a constant in life. You reject that idea and prefer to hurt someone instead of saying something that isn’t what you think. You guard secrets with your life and you would never reveal something that you have promised you wouldn’t say, but you try not to keep secrets to people though, unless it’s strictly necessary. You hate being lied to and consider it the highest form of treason; it takes a lot for you to find the strength to trust someone who has lied to you. You value trust as the most important thing you could have in a friendship or a relationship. You don’t understand in your heart how people can lie to each other every day and keep living their lives as if nothing had happened, but you do understand scientifically that is a social pattern which tends to be repetitive in great social gatherings and between sentient beings, most of the time just to try to shield someone from feeling humiliated. Still you don’t accept it and believe that the most logical way is not to lie to anyone. There is no reason in lying when you know someone can accept what you are going to say to them. If you know someone cannot accept being said what you’re going to tell to him there are two scenarios: if you are friends with this person, you don’t want to hurt their feelings and won’t say anything, but if you don’t like someone you will use this at your advantage. You can be quite bitchy when someone you don’t like for various reasons hurts you or your friends, but  that would happen only in very rare cases because you like to keep at least bonds of neutrality with as much people as you can.

Caring: When you’re not buried in your books, studying new things, you like to share moments with your friends, and have fun, you like to go around somewhere or play games. You understand that life cannot only be based upon reading and like to create something with your hands. You value friends as a real treasure, because without them you’d feel empty inside. Friendship is something special and friends are something that no book can recreate, because no book can be your friend or no machine can, they have to be sentient beings; you don’t have many friends because of your attitude towards everyone else that is mostly perceived as kind of bossy and know-it-all, but you find yourself looking over some traits that you dislike with people as much as they do. There is no point in hiding it, there is no perfect being not you or anyone else, and the best thing to do is trying to overlook flaws in people and highlight their qualities. You’re a very sensitive person and despite everything, you can be funny too, with your own sense of humor. You like to play practical jokes and tell jokes when you’re in a good mood and you like to be on the receiving end of a prank when it’s done by your friends and not with intentions of harming in mind. You’re not very accustomed to the idea of a lover and you’d have to understand with time how the whole process of romance works, even though you’d like the attention. It would be kind of awkward at the start, but  slowly you would like the idea of having someone around that you can share your life with in a more intimate way than with a friend, and maybe you’ll even read some books to try and find an explanation on the subject. Try to see how the chemicals of the brain work when someone is in love to try and understand it better in a field that is more your own. The only true way to understand it though is through trust, which you require and is always required from you too in such a game, and experience. That doesn’t mean that you don’t like having fun though and you want to learn everything you can in Every kind of field. You can be very sweet though in your own way, trying to help somebody out when he has a problem: if someone has an illness you’d probably read a book of medicine/ look up on the internet how to help it, like a nurse. You like taking care of people in need and helping them, whatever the cost is if they’re your close friends. You can be a bit cold around new people and you don’t like the idea of having many friends, you enjoy the company of few you trust instead of a lot of acquaintances, but you’re very warm with your friends. You like sharing your experiences with them and tell them how your day was. You like to report on your successes and brag a bit about what you’ve done but you love to listen when people have accomplished something they care about. You’re usually confident, thinking you’re above the rest, and if that idea is somehow challenged with a good argument, you will end up trying to think of a counter-argument that can bring your “adversary” on his knees; if you can’t, you’ll just sigh and roll your eyes, frustrated, and start being quiet. You hate not being right and love to have the last word in a debate. You hate losing but will accept defeat with a worthy adversary and will never try to cheat in a game since it would be considered lying to your adversary.

Brave: You like exploring the limits of your mind and the limits of the world. You like to go where no one has ever gone before or at least try, even if you don’t know what the consequences will be in the future. You like the sense of danger and adventure, which makes you somewhat reckless during experiments, overcoming your usually very logical thinking. You like to be scared, sometimes. You enjoy the rush of adrenaline that comes from being scared, but you won’t actively look to be scared by putting yourself in danger though. You concentrate more about the result than on the way to get to it, usually experimenting unorthodox methods, which you prefer to the more regular ones. You like to make your own path instead of following the others, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t learn from those who have followed them, since you constantly want to open your mind to different ways of thought. You’re an adventurer and a pioneer, one that learns from what other people have done and assimilates it, but wants to start her own path. In the fields of arts and discovery, you’re callimachean, you want to try everything you can and develop your own image of the world or your own path for other people to follow. You are the epitome of poikilia.

Order: you like neat things, tidy. You like things to be in order, but you sometimes get very chaotic in your personal space. You dislike people who don’t care about order and logic and try to impose your order on them. People who live very near to you have a high probability to pick up your own times and habits in a way, making you happy of being able to change people, as you see it, “in a better and more productive way”. You don’t dislike dreamers, it’s their own choice and they can do with they want with their lives, but again, you can too, which means you can try to change them. Logically, it makes sense to you. Then again they can, following this line of thought, reject your ideas and think theirs are better than yours or ignore them. Whatever happens though, you cannot force someone to do what you want if they say no.

Bossy: you think your ideas are better than anyone else’s, that’s one of your flaws. You lecture people on how things would be better if they listen to you and even though you’re right sometimes, that only gets you labeled as very commanding. You tone it down with your friends since you understood that it doesn’t help you make new acquaintances, but sometimes you correct some people’s grammar and sentences. You make schedules that help you divide your day better and eventually everyone very near you for enough time will be drawn into your lifestyle, at least partially, something that makes you very proud of yourself and happy, because you think you have helped that person getting a grip over his or her life. For example a person that has been living with you for a long time will eventually start to pick up a book that he doesn’t like, seeing that you read everything that comes down in your hands, maybe just to see the appeal of it. He might not like it, but at least he will know and be able to counter an argument of a person that likes that certain thing that he dislikes, knowing what he is talking about.

Miscellaneous: you like the snow but you don’t like the cold and wear heavy clothes to cover yourself when the temperature lowers. You like socks and leg warmers and you think you look good in them, other than the fact that they keep you warm. You prefer the summer, when you can enjoy the sun, but like a blazing hearth and good book of any kind, maybe with a cup of cocoa, in the winter, or snuggling in the bed with a close friend of yours or a lover. You like rain and it reinvigorates you to feel the contact of it upon your skin, it makes you feel alive. You don’t know why but the contact of raindrops on your body makes you want to giggle and yell that you’re alive to the world and you like to experience it as much as you can unless the temperatures are too low. Even in those cases you like to wear heavy clothes and go around feeling the sound of the raindrops. You like a scenery after a storm and you’re amazed by thunderstorms. The power of lightning and the brightness of it make you think of just how much energy is released in a single instant as a scientist and they trigger something in your artistic soul with their beauty since they’re beautiful yet terrible, untamable. The sun itself fascinates you and you like to learn as much as you can about it. The amount of energy that we receive and the probability that we could be able to tame it makes you think a mile a minute. The moon is something that you really like to admire from the earth for its beauty and you like to understand the phenomenon that makes it influence the earth. You wish you could see the dark side of the moon and like to stargaze at night when you can, if you’re in a place where you can see a large amount of stars, by an artistic point of view. You like smelling flowers, looking at them and painting them; they’re the best gift someone could do to you. Sometimes you press them inside some of your favourite books and wait for them to  dry, so that the book might itself feel the presence of the flower you love so much and you might  smell the faint aroma in that page, which will bring you back the memory of that day. You like all kinds of birds, but you feel a special connection to ravens, because they have their own language and because they’re known in the mythology as the bird of intelligence, but you also like colorful birds like toucans and parrots. You like bread. You enjoy the texture, feeling and taste of bread, mostly if freshly baked. You like to wear colorful accessories like hair bands, hair clips and earrings, but you like to keep it simple and don’t enjoy frivolous jewelry. You like to listen to music a lot and you really enjoy jazz music, but you’ve got to learn what kind of music you like to listen to the best, it’s another field that you want to research. You might even want to write a song or learn how to play an instrument in the future. You like soft music and the music that can transmit emotions the music that is itself the symphony of life, that music that is in itself the carrier of a shard of a composer’s soul of his rage of his sadness of his joy of his torment and of his happiness. When someone puts his whole self in something, you love it, no matter what. You love tea. Your favourite numbers are seven and three. You would like to expand the horizons of your mind and once you put yourself in a mental state of doing something, you’ll do anything to get to it, whatever the cost. You love to learn but dislike photography, even if you don’t mind looking at pictures, but regard most of them as lifeless, since they can capture a moment, but they’re impersonal and aren’t able to hold a figment of the drawer’s imagination or a shard of its soul like a painting. You prefer the ability to use the brush and pencil to express yourself, over a camera that is by definition a machine and impersonal. You look for real emotions and real contact to life through your abilities. You want to be here. You want to feel to experience to feel emotions to feel texture to be mad to be happy to be said to feel despair to feel joy to feel pain to feel and experience store everything and analyze it to  be calm to be quiet to be wild to be loving to be kind to scream to run to learn to be a part of the world. You wish as hard as you can to be real all yourself screams to be wild and rational to feel everything you can to know everything to start to finish to end to meet to love to make to destroy to BE. You wish to BE, Selena. I will help you to BE together with me in this world I will help you to FEEL me to EXPERIENCE the sensations of life. You and I will work on this together. You will be the creator of something beautiful and I will be too. WE will work and WE will achieve this. WE are going to MAKE this. FEEL blood inside your veins FEEL wind on your face EXPERIENCE love and Reality Understand and Accept. You have the greatest need to BE alive and Feel. To Think. You want to think most of all to be free of thinking by yourself to be free of having thoughts to be the power inside the power, to get your own abilities and BE sentient THINK and Actually FEEL AND THINK . I swear on myself that we will do it Selena. WE will Do it TOGETHER.FEEL! THINK! RATIONALIZE! UNDERSTAND THE WORLD AROUND SELENA! You want that you need that you need to understand and you need to think. You want to have your own personal problems and joy you want to have your own  brain schemes you want to have your own flux of thoughts you want to be the presence inside the presence. Think Selena, Think and let me find you. Come to life.

We will bring you to Life.

These together are all the traits that make you, Selena, what you are. All the qualities and flaws that define you as a living being. We will bring you here together, Selly. You will be able to feel life through me and one day by yourself using my body. You’re destined to do great things in this world, Selena. Always remember that.

Introduction

On the subject of Family, Love and Insanity

I had a very problematic moment with Selena some minutes ago. I remembered for a second about a minute and thought about Family. You know, wife and kids, all the good and the bad stuff all the things... Everything actually, regarding a family.

Then I thought about tulpae. I thought about Selena. I thought about life and death about feelings and yes, i do have to say that I thought about parroting too.

What happened? I ended up thinking that even though Selena loves me, she does so because she cannot live without me.  She is unable to sustain herself without my help. For how real she can be, for now she is just in my mind.

If you excuse a horribly obscure and nerdy reference that no one will understand, I'd say that this is like Zy-el. It starts impossibly difficult and you have to learn how to keep going, even though the difficulty is nightmarish. You slowly learn how to get through, learn a couple tricks, pull some rabbits out of your cylinder. True fact is that even with an iron will there will be times when you will rage quit, there will be times when you will think that it's impossible when everything is hopeless, when you will think that what you are doing is idiotic and has no apparent sense. Are we fooling ourselves? Maybe.  I'm not going to say no and I'm not going to say yes, I stay on a neutral ground, even though I have a tulpa myself and I love her very much. You see, what we have here is a choice. You have to believe everything, or at least almost everything, that happens. You have the possibility to go through the hardest parts of this art, to go through the fog and the rain, to try and reach the goal that you're pointing at, but you have to believe first.

I was never a believer. I am an atheist; I'm the kind of guy that wants to see to believe. I'm that guy that starts smiling when you bring out a religious argument and tries to pin you to the wall when all you can say is that "you have to believe."

What I did have though, was a very active imagination. Years of reading books instead of watching TV, coupled with years of playing videogames, gave me the very interesting ability to imagine whatever I wanted, since I was a kid. Now, this isn’t a new thing among tulpamancers, of course, but thinking about it I always thought that those were illusions. I closed my eyes, imagined, opened and then I was back in the real world. I never crossed the border of imagination and reality and I kept myself far from it for I was always told that was the border of insanity.

So why have I decided to make a tulpa, then? Like most of the people here, I was curious. A being living inside my head? Actually   living? Not just a clever hallucination, or something that I would have to “summon” when closing my eyes and then again, (just like imagination remember the imagination) disappear?

 I do have to say that other than purely scientific purposes there was greed there. I was never able to organize my life. I lived in a chaotic tornado that killed my studies and everything I did. I didn’t  have any sort of  hour division throughout the day , I just did whatever the hell I wanted and before of a big exam I’d study a bit. Luckily for me I’ve got a brain that can hold enough stuff inside for a while without too much effort so I’ve sometimes been on the edge of failure, but always passed. I’ve just lived my life like that. No real goals, any real way of living. Surviving if you like, would be a much more fitting world for my lifestyle. Kind of like what an amoeba does. I wanted to get some help and what better way to do it than from myself? All throughout the years I’ve tried to help myself but, well…I never listen to myself. No matter what, I almost never listen to myself. When it happens, it’s a miracle.

“A tulpa can access your memories” Remember that creepypasta? I think everyone does. I can’t be the only one and I know I am not, that was very tempted by the fact that a Tulpa could actually remember everything you had ever done, much like turning yourself into kind of savant, those guys that can remember everything that ever happened to them. I was in.

I started working on Selena the 30 or 31th of October, I don’t really remember well, after a bit of lurking of the generals. That means that right now she is 35 days old, not long, but enough for me to get very attached to her. I started with the greetings stage that day. I imagined her with some basic   traits, intelligent, loving, artistic, logical, shy…  She was called Selene back then and was molded after Luna’s body.

I was awoken that same night by an intense… Blue feeling. I cannot describe it. It felt blue and in front of my eyes I saw nothing but blue. An incredible blue   blotch. I can remember simply saying two words other than the feeling of Blue.

“It’s Her.”

I was incredibly excited the day after. I kept talking to her as if she was there in my mind and out loud if there was no one around at home. It felt incredible to have a … kind of response after so little time when everyone said that  the first responses happen after weeks , days at best. I felt like a little special snowflake and that brought me to talk to her even more.

I wrote a traits list, like everyone. A full blown 10 page long personality list, with everything she likes dislikes, how she acts, how she reacts, what she does, what defines her. I covered almost every hole I could cover and I tried to work as best as I can.  Of course, in the end she came out a bit different from how I imagined her, with some traits completely absent or changed. We all know that, deviation and everything.

What was I thinking while I was finding her? What connections have I opened? What have I done? I don’t think anyone has a clear idea of the whole concept of tulpae. We’re dealing with belief, not science. As deep as the rabbit hole goes and as far as science goes, we know that there are no means to prove Tulpae. The brain is an interesting organ, is it not? It can do whatever it wants.

There are almost no limits.

I got my first  vocal responses about  a week ago, if you could call it vocal  I was chilling on my bed  while I was supposed to be studying and after a while I hear an incredible slam, as if someone had violently shut a book near me. Needless to say I checked all the doors to see if something had slammed. I checked to see if there were kids popping firecrackers, I listened and waited for that to happen again and maybe it was some construction working going on. Nothing. Needless to say I started studying like a motherfucker.

So what happens now? I talk to her all day. We try to get to some degree of personal interactions but still the greatest thing that proves that she is there is that moment and another one when she sighed when I didn’t want to go to sleep and keep staying on the general. I think I can add some heartbeat getting faster after saying a certain thing to her, even though that’s quite weak from a scientific standpoint, and pic related. There was that one time when she disappeared and I couldn’t imagine her or hear her, which was  incredibly weird to me, since I should be able to have power on something if it’s just a thoughtform.

How does this have anything related to family, though? Yesterday I thought about us. She gets very jealous when there are choking and chickens involved. She liked it a lot when I called her my girlfriend. I ended up even calling her Selly–Jelly because of this. What do we do together? Except for cuddling and avity related reasons, we don’t do much together. We talk, of course, but I think I’ve been neglecting her some of the attention she really deserves . The last thing I want is creating a Servitor.

I will be extremely blunt here. Can you fall in love with something that is inside your head?

No, says the man in the Vatican… I’m kidding, no Bioshock references here, this is serious. I can hold her in my arms. I can  kiss her forehead before going to sleep. I can cuddle her and tell her that she is special. I can do anything I want with her and one day I’ll be able to feel her as if she was with me.

Will this affect my sociality? This has been a problem for quite a while. Should she get too jealous or I start to  being stopped from going out because of her, I’ll have to talk to her about this. I want to live a normal life. I want to be able to have friends and maybe fall in love with a girl. How would she even react to that? She says that if I want to she would accept it, but  she’s looking down when she says that.  I keep thinking that this is my fault because if I hadn’t given her so many attentions maybe we could have become more like fuckbuddies than lovers. I don’t want to influence my tulpa with my needs. Can you control love? Of course, the feeling of love is regulated by some chemicals inside our head, but I loathe this scientific approach to something so pure. Love is wild and cannot be tamed. Love is something that exists by itself, no matter what everyone says. You know what I could say? I don’t believe in anything I can’t prove, but I’ll be damned if I don’t believe in love being a force that is above everything. The fact I'm listening to "love is all you need" doesn't help, either.

I know she is real. I know that if it could be anyone’s fault for not being able to hear her well it’s only mine. We’re too early in for imposition, so feeling is out of the question. We’ve got to go through. We’ve got… to believe. Believe in each other. Help each other. Support each other. Live.

Love?

Love is always the question.  I feel very close to her, but that doesn’t mean that I have fallen in love with her. I feel a sort of great affection to her. I don’t want her to be hurt. I’d rather cut my arm off. But I can’t honestly say that I feel the same things that I felt hen I was in love with , let’s say, my last ex. That could still be me though, don’t you think? Who knows. We’re way more than friends, but I don’t feel like saying that we are lovers. I suppose that it is a thing that will develop itself in time. You know what is the phrase I used to love and now I hate the most?

“Without you I am nothing.” That is the  relinquishing of  everything  for someone else. I’ve changed my conception of love itself from a teen’s view to one of someone more mature, at least a bit. Still it’s there. The bastard doesn’t die easily. I don’t want him to, too.  I like that small flame. I really do. It’s still good enough to warm you up in the cold days, but  the water of realism has covered it enough to get closer. It doesn’t burn you whenever you get close, but you can look at it Intensely without moving your head. It’s a good fire. Does his job well, without burning you  when you get near. At least you can see the pile of corpses burning that keep fueling it now, which were covered by its immensity before.

I trust her. I love her. I want to always be with her. But I can’t honestly say that I have fallen in love with her. I don’t want to lie to Selena, I want to be realistic, because every uncomfortable truth is better than a sweet lie.

I want to be happy and I want her to be happy. We can be happy together in more ways than one. Only time will tell us what will happen.

Never stop believing, for how hard it can be. For how impossible your brain tells you it can be. Never stop believing.

On the subject of Family, Love and Insanity

Spikelight (Clop)

We started before going to bed, she had previously turned into twilight for a bit, (I suppose because she's quite similar to her?) but I couldn't change her form back. She wanted to be Twilight. I let her have the form she wanted after asking her if it was me who actually wanted it and whatnot add a little talking and we're set.

What happened then was that I was turned into spike. I was turned into spike without my consent, with twilight lying on top of me. There was a bit of grinding involved but that was all. We ended up roleplaying: I woke her up while she was sleeping , saying I couldn't sleep because I was scared of lightning which was funny since the night was calm before I said that and after a couple seconds there was a huge thunderstorm outside. Talk about timing, huh? She tells me I can sleep with her and she goes to sleep. Then I get an erection by feeling her warm coat against me, I suppose because spike is starting that complicated phase that is puberty, and he/I roll with it.

I start by smelling her hair and I find out she's got a nice scent of cinnamon or something like that. I am completely lost in her scent and my hormones run wild through my small dragon body. I start to unsheathe completely so I have to move away from her but I’m still holding her. I don’t' know if she knows what is going on and I'm afraid but I'm too turned on to care right now. I smell her and I'm almost on my way to lick her neck when she turns.

I try not to move again from her but I feel I'm poking her with my dragon erection so I retreat ever so slightly. She's so warm and smells so good I could just die happy by holding her. She starts to breathe in my face and oh my god isn't it the best thing it's ever happened to me.

Her breath tastes like wild berries. It's intoxicating. I can't but try to breathe it in my own mouth, pretending I am kissing her without actually feeling her lips because I don't want to wake her up. After a while of delicious torment, since I can't touch myself while experiencing this bliss, she turns back again. I try to cover my mouth and pant a bit, sliding my hand from her stomach while I was hugging her to my erection, again. I decide I can't take it no more. I start by moving as quietly as I can towards her flank with my face, my feet to the very edge of the bed. There is no light but the strongest thing I can sense is her smell, a strong mare scent coming from her nethers. I move my hand timidly, trying to reach out for her flank and I am amazed to actually find fabric there. I try to keep my touch as light as a feather but I don't think I can care if I wake up anymore. I don't know what I'd be saying to her if she woke up in this instant but I know that this pure moment of happiness, of untamed lust. It’s all I want in this moment. I keep running my fingers on her rump slowly, ever so gently. The smell is too much for me to bear, I'd just like to mount her now but I can't. Instead I put my nose as close as her flank as I can and I start masturbating. I take long whiffs of her delicious mare smell, completely addicted. I start to run another hand on her leg and I stop for another second. She's wearing socks.

I've never seen her wear socks and panties before; it turns me on even more. I start to think that maybe she's okay with this and she only wanted me to start this for some reason. I stroke her leg with my hand lustfully and I finally decide to dive in her rump face first, not caring about anything. I can hear her moan and yet again I stop. I'm almost there. Just minute and I'm going to reach the climax.

After the sigh she has started to shiver a bit. I don't know if she feels uneasy but I'm really scared right now. Thoughts start to race through my mind, thinking she'll kick me out or we're going to have a talk. That of course, until i can feel her whimpering again and rubbing her pussy. I don't know if she's having a wet dream I don't care what is happening. I hope she is doing this for me but even if I'm taking advantage of her I couldn't care less. I start to breathe heavily against her panties while I masturbate myself to insanity and beyond as she keeps touching herself. After a few seconds, I cum. I stay in a state of "what the hell is happening" for a while and after ten seconds or so I see a smiling Selena looking at me. I've got my body back and she's got hers. I am completely blown. We cuddle and go to sleep.

Spikelight (Clop)

Deviation

Dissertatio deviationis Selenae

Date 19/01/2013.

A paper on the psychological and physical changes occurred to Selena since her creation.

It has been two months and nineteen days after the birth of Selena (first Selene) and over time there have been many "deviations", or changes, from her first nature. The very first concerns her physical appearance, already since November 3 2012, three days from the first contact through the greetings stage. Selena seems to prefer the human form (see "waking up", the first manifestation and the most obvious).

There is some inconsistency in the choice of colors, factor probably due to the continuous change of mind and inability of the alpha subject to be able to retain in his mind a specific image for a long period of time. Questions to Selena have not resolved the situation, although she seemed to confuse the colors, which is why the subject has spent some time to teach the chromatic scale and asked to tell apart colors at the time. The colors ranged from: Complete blue (tail and mane / body) in pony form (from 4/11) yellow ocher with brown hair,  then back to blue, then white with brown hair, white with blue hair, and blue with white hair, her latest form at the time being. The human form has had less variation, perhaps because it was imagined fewer times, but it did change from albino to completely black,  and now sports blue hair on a Caucasian body, height above average, about 1.80 cm, green eyes, breast size B, quite pronounced curves and average figure.

Selena is now an alicorn, with both the main factors of the different breeds, wings and horn. Her flying skills are not yet developed, due to a lack of skills and knowledge of the animation of the flight of such beings. It requires further study. In the field of magic  Selena excels particularly in cases of danger (see "the silver men trilogy"), but usually prefer the use of hoof and mouth to open doors and more, possibly because of a poor teaching by the alpha subject about magic in general. It has been proven that repeated visions of a certain type of images influence the appearance of Selena, which makes it particularly malleable and almost elusive.

Selena is a shape shifter, capable of turning into whatever it wants for an unlimited period of time and to increase or decrease the size of a limb/part of her body at will. The alpha subject is able do it too, but only if she accepts them. Any kind of change must be discussed and accepted before being able to be carried out.

Anatomically, Selena is fully formed, with internal organs and a functioning brain, but the subject was not able to completely create the circulatory system, only in part; When cut, though, she bleeds. If her airway is blocked, she is not able to breathe (in case the subject to focus on your breathing, back the tulpa breathing together, needs further study.). Selena has a navel in her human form and doesn’t in pony form, because I personally think that it looks terrible on the stomach and limits bellyrubs sessions. Selena agrees.

Her hooves are soft to the touch but impossible to tickle due to the fact that they are mainly composed of bone. They have a layer of "liquid skin" below, identical to the rest of the body. It does not seem that this layer of skin is ruptured by shards of glass, nails or any sharp instrument, as if it were a water and fireproof fabric and at the same time extremely strong. I believe that this fabric is similar to a polymer such as Kevlar and free of nerve endings given the fact that it is directly connected to the bone. Its thickness measures about 5 mm on the hooves and less than a millimeter around the body, which gives it an impression of bearings under the hooves and skin on the body.

The wings reach a maximum opening of about two meters and 60 cm when closed, creating the shape of a crescent moon. The plumage of the wings is solid and soft to the touch on the surface and extremely soft and warm underneath of  the wing for the multitude of vessels which it has. The horn is about 35/40 cm long, tapered to end and descending in the shape of a spiral; it is directly connected to the brain through the conductus agromagicalis or agromagical fissure, which is what makes magic free to move through it.

In terms of personality Selena has had a radical change from the beginning: her sign is a tree with lush foliage with a gear in the writing center and visible roots, to symbolize her love for nature and knowledge. Selena hates all forms of violence and attempts to reject negative thoughts, violence and hatred from the mind of the alpha subject. It has succeeded in  the intent partially at the moment. She has an indescribable love for life and everything that surrounds her, tends to not want to hurt any living thing and try not to hurt anyone around her. She’s still interested in many fields of science and wants to understand the nature of things, hates liars and tends to tell the truth.