Not Another Human in Equestria Story AKA how I learned to stop worrying and love the brain worms.
My name is Anon, I'm a twenty two year old brony. This is my Equestian adventure...
One day while arguing with my asshole parents that continue to dote on me, but they never seem to pay any attention to my problems that lurk within my tormented soul.
So, yeah they suck and instead of calmly talking to them and telling them what's wrong, I stay in my room all day and jerk it to things that would make baby Jesus cry.
When I say I spend all day in my room, I really mean that, you see I have no friends, because joining a club at my college or going to a bar and meeting new people would mean wanting to better myself and why would I want to improve on perfection? Just look at me, I'm a hundred pounds (that's 45 kilograms to you brits) overweight and I haves paper white skin that would make any Twitard cream themselves in envy.
Anyway after waking up and using the bathroom like a chick because my clammy fat rolls keep me from aiming properly and my moronic parents have to gull to suggest I clean up after myself. Seriously, I feels like a slave in my house. I went back to my room to watch the only thing that makes my bleak tortured existence happy: My Little Pony- Friendship is magic. It's the only show I watch...well that and Doctor Who. I only watch G4 and can't accept that there was some good ideas in G1/G2. I love FiM so much I have a Fluttershy body pillow that I spoon every night (I'm the bottom spoon by the way). God bless Ebay. After watching Dragonshy for the six thousandth time, I got on my bed and listens to my Evanescence dubstep and Skrillex playlist on my Zune. I can't get enough of taking preexisting music and adding distortion to it, it's amazing.
In the middle of Banga Rang my headphones crapped out on me, since my parents weren't home to buy me new headphones, I had to waddle over to Radioshack which is an astounding three blocks away; it might as well be on the fucking moon, Argh.
Two hours later I finally made it to the store as I was walking back home, I heard a sound coming from behind me. I looked around and it was a bus.
Then everything went black.
I woke up in a heaven, that's right heaven because it had clouds and shit; plus there was Abraham Lincoln making out with Ernest Hemingway, so yeah it had to be heaven. There was this tall guy there who looked like the Slenderman. He started speaking to me.
"Oooh heavens to betsy, there appears to be a mistake, you weren't scheduled to die for another three weeks." That's right Slenderman sounded like Snagglepuss.
I was confused to say the least. "Huh?"
"Yeah, that bus that killed you was supposed to veer to the left."
"Okay, so just send me back home."
"I can't do that."
"WHY NOT?!"
"Take a look." He parted some clouds to make a TV.
On Earth
Anon's body was on a hospital bed and his parents along with a doctor looked at him.
"Do you wanna pull the plug?"
"HELL YES!!!" They screamed in unison.
The doctor switched off the life support machines.
*BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
The transporters came and removed the body while the doctor and his parents danced around the room singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead."
I was so angry. "Assholes."
I then realized that being dead was like forever, so I calmly freaked out. "Is there anything you can do?! I don't want to stay dead, I'll suck yo--"
"Whoah, you don't need to go that far big boy, but I think I have someone who cans help you."
"Who?"
"God!!!" The fruity child abducting urban legend called out.
Suddenly, a giant fifty story robed figure wearing sandals appeared. "Yo, Dawg, I heard you like ponies, so I put you in My Little Pony." God wiggled his nose and a flash of lightning hit me.
I woke up in a field wearing my totally not obnoxious Chuck Norris Facts t-shirt and black jeans with Sketchers because they make shoes in wide width. I was also not as big as I used to be, so I could walk without having my thighs chafe.
I saw that everything looked bright and colorful and off in the distance I could see Ponyville. God being the awesome guy he is put me in Equestria.
As I neared a road, I ran into three familiar looking fillies being chased by a group of Timberland wolves, that's right they was wolves made out of discarded boots. I couldn't let the Cutie Mark Crusaders get eaten by a wolf because this town is only big enough for one carnivore.
I remember what my uncle Frank used to say, 'It burns when I pee...' No, not that. 'With great power, use force and use bombs wisely.'
Just as the Timberland wolves were about to make a meal out of the children, I jumped in to save the day. I used my lazer vision, that's right I have lazer vision because my grandfather was a demon from Ceti Alpha Five.
The wolves just imploded.
The CMC came up to me.
"Thank y'all for savin' us!"
"Thank you, mister!"
"That was radical of you not to letting those boot wolves not eat us and stuff!"
I looked at the adorable fillies and thought two things: one, I wonder if they taste like marshmallow peeps and two, they are a fuckin' adorable.
"Can any of you tell where exactly Twilight’s house is?"
"We sure can, CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ALIEN ESCORTERS, YAY!!!!!!!!"
After we walked through town receiving friendly accepting waves from the ponies of Ponyville. It was just like I imagined it.
They burst through the library door. "There is a neat awesome friendly alien looking for you."
"Listen, how many times do I have to say to you three, just because this is a public library doesn't mean you three can just walk in here."
The three fillies looked disappointed.
"What's this about an alien?"
"Yeah, he's right here."
Me and Twilight locked eyes for a second. "Oh my god, I can finally meet you. My least favorite pony from the show!"
"Show?"
"Yeah, take a look at my phone."
"Phone?"
"This rectangle thing in my hand." I started playing Bridle Gossip. She was shocked by what she saw on screen. " In my world you and everything here is fake and people spend time writing fan fiction where they get to sweep your chimney like Marry "fuckin" Poppins, chim, chim charoo."
Twilight surprisingly got the joke and looked at the crusaders. "Why don't you three go get the rest of element bearers?"
"I can't wait to meet the rest of the Mane Six, Spike, Lyra and Bon Bon. They still eat tuna tacos, right?" I gave her a suggestive wink.
"You know, they'll be gone for thirty minutes." Twilight said seductively.
"I am still a virgin and I can get it done in a quarter of that time by myself."
As we waited for the crusaders and the other five ponies to come to the library, me and the purple mare played hide the salami. When it was over we were panting furiously and I was about to have a stroke. Luckily, Twilight cast a shower spell on us and an anti-stroke spell on me.
When the rest of the Mane Six came in they gave me the same warm welcome and I showed them more episodes of the Friendship is Magic. Applejack was the boring one, Rarity was the fussy one, Rainbow Dash was the boastful one, Pinkie Pie was the annoying one and Fluttershy was the meek attractive one. They all acted the way they were supposed to and I was living every brony's fantasy. We continued to watch the show until that killjoy Spike burst into the room.
"Twilight, I got an urgent letter from Celestia!"
I snatched the letter out of the overgrown lizard's claw. To my shock it read:
To My Faithful Student Twilght,
Canterlot is being taken over my an evil robotic Discord, Chysalis, Diamond Dogs, Molten Rock creatures and a hive of killer bees. We need the elements of harmony to stop them.
We teleported from Ponyville because Twilight learned how to do mass teleportation. The streets of Canterlot were flooded with ankle deep blood and corpses. Celestia was tied to a lamp-post in the cocoon stuff from the season two finale.
Robo-Discord was stomping on an orphanage for baby bunnies and foals. Chrysalis was rapin' everybody. The Diamond Dogs were eating the elderly and robbing liquor stores. The bees were stinging ponies to death. The molten rock men were boiling the city's reservoir.
Rainbow Dash was the first into action. "Get ready for the sonic rainboom muther fucka!" She flew at Robo-Discord whom promptly ripped her legs off and tossed her into The Canterlot Aquarium Shark Exhibit.
"Nooooooo!!! Ya killed the only mare ah ever loved, well except for Rarity and Big Mac when he puts a dress on!!!!!!!" Applejack ran towards the metal draconequus only to come in contact with a molten rock man whom melted her face off like the Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark. The farmer fell forward dead into the already crimson drenched street.
To say I was pissed would've been an understatement. "NO ONE HURT OR KILLS MY FRIENDS!!! That I met just three hours ago!!!!"
I ran fast like Silver the Hedgehog because as horrific as the Sonic franchise has gotten, they still produce wonderful and completely original characters like Silver, Blaze and the lovable Bigs the Cat. I couldn't pick a favorite if you put a gun to my head in fact I'd probably start fellating it, because my soul in nothing but sadness misery and the sound of the beast.
I chopped the molten rock men with my mighty fist of chopping. Then I inhaled the killer bees because I can do that and shot them at the diamond dogs who through my force of will power became very allergic to bees and they all died. As for Chrysalis, I used my magically powered dick to fuck her till her head exploded. Also my semen cures cancer and taste like apple pie.
Last, I ran at super sonic speeds to create a tornado which almost caused time to fold in on itself. Robo-Discord's metal skin started to peel away and revealed it to be Kevin, the guy who bullied me in high school. I dragged him out of the control chair and ate his face off.
Celestia now free from her restraints overlooked the damage and cast a vortex spell that sucked up all the dead bodies and sent them to the sun so we wouldn't be bothered cleaning up the streets.
"For saving Equestria I want to give you a medal and a strained glass window in the palace." So, the ruler of the sun gave me a medal.
After the medal ceremony and Dash got new robotic legs and wings because she got her old ones eaten by Robotic Discord and those sharks. With the exception of Applejack, we all went back to Ponyville.
I was helping Shy feed the animals and I remembered what I wanted when I came here in the first place. I looked deeply at the yellow pegasus. "Fluttershy, wanna make out?"
"Um...um...yes." She latched on to my face as I crammed my tongue down her throat.
"I love you with all my hurt soul Shy." I grabbed and kneaded her wings to which she responded with a squeak. It was getting very X-rated very fast.
"I can't take it anymore...Yodel in my furry canyon of love!!!" She yelled at the top of her lungs.
Then we went to her room and asked her if she had a diaper I could wear because I have a diaper fetish, because nothing is sexier than fermenting in your own feces.
The next day we had a shower of the golden variety, a regular shower and hosed her sheets off outside. Yep it was totally normal and not disgusting at all. We held each other by her fireplace.
"Um...would you like to move in with me?" the quiet mare asked in her usual meek demeanor.
"Hell, yes."
We were about to have more sex but we were interrupted by a knock at the door. It was Celestia with two of her royal guards.
"Tia, it's great for you to show up." I greeted her in a casual tone and slapped her on the ass. I'm a gentleman in every aspect.
"I came here to give you one gift for saving Equestria from Robo-Discord, Chrysalis, The Army of Diamond Dogs, the bees and those molten rock men from the center of Equestria that I never knew about."
"What gift is that?"
"Any one thing you want."
I looked at Fluttershy. "I wanna me and Fluttershy to alicorn gods, so that we can live forever."
"Okay, as you wish." She shot her magic at us and we glowed for felt like thirty minutes. When it was over, Flutter shy had a horn and she made a mirror appear so that I could look at myself.
I had a red coat with red and black striped mane and tail and had sky blue stripes on my coat. Also I had orange dragon eyes.
"I will change my name to Blaze Skyfire."
"That's a great name for such a great stallion."
"Thank you Tia."
"I must go now; I have princess stuff to do elsewhere in Equestria." Celestia said as she left our cottage.
It was quiet for like twenty seconds
Fluttershy was the just to break that silence. "I love you so m--" she was interrupted as time seemed to stand still.
There was a strong rumbling as the air parted and walking out of the void was a massive guy in a football green and orange uniform with a negative five on it. He wasn't the only thing to walk out of the portal because behind him stood Mrs. Cake dressed in the Armor of a Colonial Marine for Aliens.
"You are in a mess of trouble."
"Why?"
"Me am the marshal of fan fiction: Perry Piekinski." He announced as he took off his helmet revealing a head of hair that matched Equestria's own Pinkie Pie.
"I am his lovely assistant: Cup Cake from Equestria-684, dearie." The light blue earth pony mare said in her usual cheerful manner.
"You are Anon-2879 and in violation of being you."
"Huh?"
Perry pulled out his favorite weapon from behind his back. It was the Defender which he stole the top secret plans from Homer Simpson; the device was a masterpiece consisting of a cinderblock with a long steel chain attached to it with the other end wrapped around the user's hand.
While Cup Cake pulled out a broken table leg, holding it between her teeth.
Without warning or mercy the linebacker started wailing on Anon, whom started a galloping away.
"Stay still, it'll only hurt more!!!!"
"Oh, no you don't Pear Bear; I wanna beat his flank too."
"Why aren't my powers working?!" Blaze called out.
"We will find you wherever you go!!!"
Perry whipped the block into Anon's back creating a satisfying crunch.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Once Perry's masonry block was destroyed he proceeded to take the chain and flog Anon with it as Ms. Cake broke two of his legs with her blunt instrument.
After forty minutes of torture and beating Perry and his sidekick/lover gave the once human pony permission to die.
Later that night Perry and Equestia-684's Cup Cake cuddled on the recently added poorly written OC skinned rug to their trophy room.
The End
Generic HIE Mad Libs
Hi my name is _____(name), I'm a __(age) year old brony, I love to listen to ____(music genre associated with electronica), I hate my life and parents and cry myself to sleep. One day I got ___(way of entering Equestria, usually involves death). Ooh look____(Pony name, possible love interest).....either gets turned into a pony or stays a human and usually does_______________ (something to save the world.) If it's a clop fic he will______(verb)_________(pony name/names)
The End.
Author's Note
Perry Piekinski is a reoccurring character from my fic Cupcakes A$$ Kicking, the short version, he's Pinkie's rule 63 human counterpart who just happens to be a three hundred pound linebacker for The University of Miami that loves violence just as much as .he loves baking.
I regret nothing.
