The Nonrational Service

Chapters

Incident Cherry Bomb
The Haunting of the Canterlot Archives
NRS Record - Item 249: The Book that Bleeds
Incident Thin Stallion: Part 1
Incident Thin Stallion: Part 2
Nonrational Service Roster
NRS Record - Entity 600: Slender Mane

Incident Cherry Bomb

The tall, imposing building known as the Canterlot Archives housed many ancient books and scrolls, filled with information too valuable to destroy, but too dangerous to let just anypony read. Most ponies were not aware of this, knowing only that the Archives were off-limits, and avoided the tower's well-guarded entrance. Even the majority of Royal Guard ponies were not allowed into the building. The small number of ponies who had access to the Archives only went into the basement when they had to, due to that area's poorly-lit, cluttered, and honestly creepy nature. The eeriness of the basement was intentionally cultivated, and associated rumors encouraged, by the tiny number of ponies who were able to walk through the potent magical wards and barriers preventing access to the secret passage connected to the stairwell down to the second basement, which was the clean and well-lit base of the Nonrational Service.

Paperwork, in Captain Prince Shining Armor's experience, was something that accumulated on desks while ponies were out doing important things that actually mattered. It shared this property with dust and written complaints, the latter of which were becoming something of an inside joke among the Captain's subordinate officers. Equestrian law allowed for any pony to submit a complaint to any member of the government, including the Royal Guard, and as such Shining Armor, on a daily basis, received poorly-written and logically-fallacious demands that he end his marriage with Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Despite his obligation to read all such documents to land on his desk, nopony was particularly bothered by the fact that he couldn't put up with more than one or two of these missives in a month before sliding the whole lot into an envelope marked "For Immediate Destruction" and turning it over to Lieutenant Firecracker Burst. Firecracker would sneak off and read the complaints before applying her enthusiastic brand of information security to them, and would tell Shining Armor's other subordinates about any particularly amusing demands. Shining would pretend he didn't know this was going on, while the others would pretend not to know that he knew. In this way, both command protocol and humor value were maintained.

Paperwork regarding the Crystal Empire had become dramatically less frequent of late, as Cadance had declared the Empire to be a sovereign territory of Equestria, but the Captain still found himself having to address the occasional question or issue regarding the Crystal Empire Guard, of which he was at least theoretically the highest authority. Today, however, Shining Armor found himself reading a report from Dodge Junction's Royal Guard forces, which drew his attention as the commanding officer of the Nonrational Service. A number of completely inexplicable explosions had occurred, harming several ponies and causing significant property damage. The Guardsponies were certain that magic was involved, but were unaware of any spells that could create explosions without any combustible materials to work with. Further, they were also struggling to locate the pony or ponies responsible. Intrigued, Shining Armor decided to ask Firecracker Burst for her professional opinion. It had been a few months since he'd given Firecracker a piece of paper that he didn't want obliterated, and Shining wondered how she would react.

"Well, I have to say, I don't know any spells that can just explode air. Or whatever's going on here," Firecracker admitted, reading the mildly-singed report.

"I was afraid of that," Shining said, smoothing down his mane. He made a mental note to ask Cadance if she happened to know a way to get rid of the smell of burnt hair. He couldn't imagine Cadance being in a situation where her mane was on fire, but he was a stallion who didn't like to make assumptions. "It could just be a unicorn who's come up with some new spell, but I can't rule out the possibility of That Which is Monitored being involved."

"Want me to go find Jetstream and Blue October?" Firecracker asked, naming the other two members of the Nonrational Service.

"Please do. I'll see about getting us on a train to Dodge Junction."

Dodge Junction was a dusty, dry sort of town known primarily for its expansive cherry farm, which thrived under the watchful gaze of the appropriately-named Cherry family despite the land and climate being entirely unsuited to growing cherry trees. Or indeed much of anything except cacti. The sort of ponies who enjoyed flimsy and wholly unprovable financial theorizing -which is to say, leftist economists- often said that if cacti were as much in demand as cherries, the Cherry family would be able to buy Canterlot from Celestia and Luna inside of three years. These such theorists were also the type to disrespectfully refer to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna without using their proper royal titles. In any case, this bit of fiscal speculation was ridiculous, if only because the Royal Sisters didn't technically own Canterlot; not even the castle belonged to them. This fact in itself, however, was only of interest to ponies who enjoyed obscure governmental minutia -which is to say, Twilight Sparkle. Shining Armor was also aware of the Princess' status as Equestria's most-respected house-sitters -not because he was interested in knowing it, but because a pony could only spend so much time around his younger sister without being told a vast array of meaningless information, and Shining Armor had a memory like a vice. Random bits of primarily-worthless knowledge lurked within his mind, effervescing to the surface at odd and often inopportune times, but Shining Armor was able to take comfort from this informational detritus in the fact that he would never fall into the stereotypical behavior of forgetting his wife's birthday. Most of this had nothing to do with Dodge Junction, however.

Upon the arrival of the Nonrational Service at Dodge Junction, Blue October immediately disappeared -a difficult trick to accomplish, considering the town's broad, uncrowded streets, and currently-cloudless skies. Her fellow NRS members didn't mind that October had vanished, confident that she was already hard at work and would soon return with information which would prove essential to resolving the problem at hand. Shining Armor, Firecracker Burst, and Jetstream visited the local Royal Guard detachment, where they learned that no further explosions had occurred since the report had been sent to Canterlot, and were given a map of the town with the locations of the blasts marked. Firecracker and Jetstream set about examining the nearest blast site, while Shining Armor went in search of witnesses to question.

"What'cha think, Firecracker?" Jetstream asked. The pale-pink pegasus pony pushed her ever-present goggles up onto her forehead, hovering above the center of the blast site. This particular explosion had occurred in the center of Dodge Junction's Mane Street, which was not to be confused with the Mane Streets in every other town in Equestria. It was not to be confused with any of the multitudinous Main Streets, either. Or even, for that matter, Canterlot's Multitudinous Mane Street, a district known primarily for its beauty parlors, which was one of Cadance's favorite haunts for several months before she became tired of the rumors that she dyed her mane.

Firecracker Burst blinked twice in rapid succession, unsure why her thoughts had wandered to the question of mane-dying alicorns, and craned her neck to look up at Jetstream from her position in the center of the foot-deep crater in the street. Her horn glowed slightly.

"There was definitely magic going on here," Firecracker said, "but I can't put my hoof on the spell."

"That's hard to believe," Jetstream said, "I figured you knew every way in Equestria to blow stuff up."

"All of them? Nah," Firecracker admitted, "but I do most of them. If I could just work out the explosive used, that'd be a huge help."

"The explosive used? What happened to magic?" Jetstream asked.

"We've been over this, Jetstream," Firecracker rolled her eyes, "magic can be used to imitate the visual effects of explosives, but to create a real explosion, you need a real explosive. Magic can be used to detonate it, often with much greater effect than mundane triggering mechanisms, but there has to be something volatile to start with."

"All right, I get it," Jetstream said, rolling her own eyes, "so if we can figure out what blew up, you can figure out how?"

"Exactly, and that could lead us to who," Firecracker replied, "which I think is the main question here."

"I think I beat you to that, actually," came Shining Armor's voice. Both mares turned to see him walking towards them, accompanied by a stallion with a tan coat and a dark red mane, almost black, "this young gentlestallion is Cherry Cola, he tells me he saw this very explosion."

"Yeah, uh, hi," the tan stallion said, clearly uncomfortable, "I, well, I saw a pony in a cloak, hiding over there." Cherry stopped to point at a narrow alley between two nearby buildings. "I don't think anypony else saw him. I didn't get a good look-"

"Can you describe the explosive he used?" Firecracker interrupted.

"Uh, well, the local Royal Guard didn't believe me-"

"Tell me anyway," Firecracker said flatly.

"It was a cherry seed, miss. One cherry seed," Cherry Cola said, starting to blush.

"Completely impossible," Firecracker said, "cherry seeds have no explosive properties whatsoever."

"I didn't think you'd believe me," Cherry said, hanging his head.

"Hold on. I said it was impossible, not that I didn't believe you," Firecracker told him, "we're the Nonrational Service, if it's impossible, it's our day job."

"Yup! We're the Royal Guard's Weird Flippin' Stuff Division," Jetstream agreed.

"Oh," Cherry Cola brightened up considerably, "so, you believe me?"

"I can't rule out any possibilities," Firecracker replied, her horn glowing again, "let me see what I can find out."

"Magic tracing?" Cherry asked.

"You guessed it," Jetstream answered, "Firecracker's pretty good at tracking magic, even if her main talent is blowin' stuff up. She's our master exploder."

"Lieutenant Firecracker Burst is our pyrotechnical expert," Shining Armor corrected, taking his turn at eye-rolling. "The pegasus flapping around over her head is Lieutenant Jetstream, our weather master. Lieutenant Blue October is, well, not present."

"She'll pop up," Jetstream said, "she always does, doesn't she?"

"True enough," Shining agreed, "October does things her own way, but she does good work."

"Bursty here's probably gonna be a while yet," Jetstream said, setting down between Shining and Cola. "So Cap, where'd you find this fine slab o' colt?"

"Lieutenant Jetstream, what have I told you about making passes at civilians?" Shining asked grumpily as Cola's face turned brick red.

"Only if I catch 'em checking out my hindquarters first, right?" Jetstream asked. Shining's eyelid twitched.

"Lieutenant, I would appreciate it if you took your job more seriously," Shining said in a calm, even voice that managed to indicate quite clearly that he was resigned to dealing with subordinates who had no interest in what he appreciated, "Cherry Cola has agreed to assist us in addressing this situation, so please don't give him a hard time."

"Oh. I see," Jetstream said, actually taking the situation seriously. The uncharacteristically grim expression on her Captain's face made it clear that Cola had 'agreed to help' in much the same way she and Firecracker had 'agreed' when Shining Armor's predecessor, Captain Rock Solid, had pressed them into service at the start of what would become his final mission. Despite the willingness of both ponies to continue serving, the practice was considered a necessary evil; a compromise between the need of the Service to call upon outside talent and its need for secrecy. It meant that if the kind of extra-normal oddities the NRS normally dealt with was actually involved in the situation, Cherry Cola would become a career officer of the Royal Guard whether he wanted to or not.

"Tch, I still can't identify the spell," Firecracker said grumpily, the glow around her horn fading, "it feels like a triggering spell, but we knew that already. It's wildly different from any trigger spells I know, but I guess it would have to be, you know?"

"Did you find out anything else?" Shining asked.

"Whatever else it is, this spell is ancient," Firecracker said, "the underlying principles of it... faded out of use millennia ago. We're dealing with very old, very obscure magic here."

"And it's being used to make something impossible occur in a repeatable and reliable manner," Shining added, "That Which is Monitored is definitely involved here. Now we just need to track down whoever's responsible."

"I have a lead on that subject," Blue October said. Cola jumped and spun around, startled. Jetstream, also startled, pulled a muscle in her neck whipping her head around to try to spot October. Firecracker twitched as if she'd just been electrocuted, but Shining just stood where he was, slowly turning his head to face October.

"Ah. Cola, this is Lieutenant Blue October, our intelligence specialist." Shining said calmly, "October, this is Cherry Cola. He's agreed to help with the problem at hoof."

October looked blankly into Cola's eyes for a moment before speaking. "Hello." She said flatly, "word of warning; don't think too much about my cutie mark, down that path madness lies."

"Oh... kay?" Cola said uncertainly. He was facing October directly, and thus couldn't see her cutie mark at all.

"No pony can remember or describe it, even when they're lookin' right at the thing," Jetstream whispered, her cheek almost touching Cola's. He blushed again as she continued, "she's even asked Cap to list her as a Monitored Entity because of it."

"Captain, I located an old barn to the west of the town, at the edge of the Hayseed Swamps," October said, turning to face Shining Armor. "It appears to be abandoned, but there is evidence of recent habitation. Recommend further investigation."

"Well, I don't see why not," Shining said, "let's go."

"Yeah, that barn's abandoned, all right," Jetstream muttered. The ponies of the Nonrational Service had circled around the barn and approached it from the Hayseed Swamps, using the trees a cover.

"I am almost certain that somepony is living in it. There are canvas sacks appear to have been moved recently. However, he or she is not currently present, and was not during my previous investigation."

"Firecracker?" Shining asked. Firecracker Burst's horn was already glowing.

"Somepony was definitely casting spells here," Firecracker said, "spells not unlike the one that blew up that cherry seed."

"Sounds like our pony, then," Cola said uncertainly, "I..." he trailed off as the others looked at him.

"You, uh, you gonna finish that sentence?" Shining asked, "it bugs me when ponies don't finish their sentences."

"Sorry, sir," Cola said, blushing again, "it's just, if he's not here now, I think he's gonna set off another explosion, then come back here and wait until things calm down."

"That makes sense, Cherry Cola," Shining said, "don't ever be afraid to speak your mind. Don't forget, you're one of us now." The Captain said the last sentence with some regret.

"I -thank you, Captain," Cola said, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good. Now then, you're probably right, our mark's gonna kick off another blast and then scramble back here," Shining said, "let's take cover under these trees, we'll see if we can spot him."

Shining Armor, Firecracker Burst, and Cherry Cola lurked in the bushes beneath the trees at the edge of the Hayseed Swamps, hidden by the thick foliage and the shadows of late afternoon. Perched in the trees above them were Blue October and Jetstream, watching the path to the barn intently. They didn't have long to wait, as a cloaked figure came dashing down the path, carrying a canvas bag with his magic. The pony of questionable intent leaped through a previously-broken window into the barn.

"I'm almost certain that was him," Cola said, "I recognize the cloak."

"Well then, it's time to see what he has to say," Shining replied. He looked up, "Jetstream, October, take to the skies. Firecracker, Cola, get to the back corners and watch the walls in case he tries to bolt on us. Now, until we can definitively prove he's our target, we're doing this by the book. I'm gonna knock on the door and see if he wants to chat. Everypony understand?"

"On it," Jetstream said, taking flight. Blue October was already circling the barn.

"Moving in," Firecracker added, approaching the back of the barn as stealthily as she was able. Cherry Cola followed her, watching the barn intently. There were gaps between the old, warped planks of the walls, through which he could see several vague shapes. He took his position, from which he could watch the barn's back and one of its sides.

With everypony in position, Shining walked purposefully up to the barn door, on which he knocked a few times before saying loudly, "this is Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard." As soon as he knocked, Cola noticed one of the vague shapes in the barn moving towards his side wall, and ran to the side, planning to intercept what was no doubt the pony inside. "I have some questions I need to-" Shining Armor's Royal Guard front-door spiel was interrupted by and explosion that destroyed most of the side wall.

"He's out here!" Cola shouted, charging the fleeing unicorn.

"Stop him!" Shining ordered, rounding the barn. Jetstream and October both descended on the cloaked pony, but Cola got to him first, wrapping his front legs around the offender's neck and dragging him to the ground. The fleeing unicorn's hood fell off as his horn lit up. Cola hammered his hoof into the base of the unicorn's skull, knocking him out.

"Dang, colt, when you go to stop a pony, you darn well stop him!" Jetstream said.

"Well, I didn't want him blowing me up, you know?" Cola said, clambering to his feet.

"I can understand that," Shining said, surrounding the unidentified pony in a force field. "Well, doing things by the book sort of went down with that wall he blew up, so I'm gonna check his saddlebags while he enjoys his nap." The Captain's magic aura surrounded the unknown pony's saddle bags, withdrawing a smaller bag and a very thick, old-looking book.

"Is that what I think it is?" Firecracker asked, her eyes widening.

"A small sack full of, hang on," Shining Armor untied the drawstring and opened the bag, "cherry seeds. And this book. Well, more of a tome, now that I look at it."

Firecracker grabbed the book out of Shining's magic aura and opened it. She read the first page quickly, her eyes getting progressively wider, before speaking. "Captain, this... this is the Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence. I can't believe I'm actually holding it."

"The Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence? That's Item Three-Twenty-Four," Shining replied, "it went missing, what, a couple hundred years ago?"

"Three hundred and seven years, to be exact," Blue October said, "it was listed as an Item Which is Monitored due to its abnormal properties."

"This is the definitive work of Boom Rocker, the greatest pyrotechnician who ever lived. It describes spells that should be impossible, but can still be cast," Firecracker said, sitting on the ground and clutching the book to her chest. "It defines methods of creating explosives that can only be made by ponies who've read it, and has existed since the early Classical Era-"

"Firecracker, you're going nerdy on us again," Jetstream chided.

"Hmph. This is the finest collection of pyrotechnical knowledge in the world," Firecracker huffed, reminding Shining Armor very strongly of his sister, "it's hardly my fault if you can't appreciate the magnitude of its importance." She gleefully rubbed her cheek on the book's cover. Shining was suddenly given to wonder if Firecracker was distantly related to his family, or if something about Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns made its graduates act this way.

"Our guy's waking up," Cola pointed out. Indeed, the unknown unicorn was slowly opening his eyes.

"Well, good morning. Or afternoon, really," Shining greeted the stallion, "I'm pretty sure I told you this already, but I'm Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard, and I have a pressing need to ask you a few questions." When the pony in his force field didn't reply, Shining continued, "let's start with your name, shall we?"

"Bite me," the prisoner spat.

"Your parents didn't like you too much, did they, Bite Me?" Shining asked sardonically, "so, how did you get your hooves on the Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence?"

"You really think I'm gonna tell you that?"

"Were you the one causing explosions in Dodge Junction?"

"Are you a mindless dog of the Princesses?"

"Woof. Also, you're under arrest on suspicion of felony battery, illegal use of explosives, and possession of an NRS-Documented Object. That list is subject to expand depending on what we find in that barn you just blew a hole in. I've got a feeling you'll be more cooperative after a few days in prison, Bite Me."

"Now then, we have a few orders of business today," Shining Armor told the members of the Nonrational Service assembled in the central room of their underground offices. "First, Item Three-Twenty-Four, the Enchiridion of Explosive Excellence, is now in the Extranormal Documentation Vault," he motioned to a clearly-labeled door in one wall, "it is not to leave the Vault under any circumstances. Normal information-control procedures apply. You're cleared to read it, although Boom Rocker somehow enchanted the thing so only ponies with pyrotechnical cutie marks can actually see what's on the pages. Firecracker, we may have a use for the information in that book, so feel free to give it a once-over. Don't any of you go talking about it on the outside, however. It may be useful, but it's still Monitored, got it?" The other ponies nodded, Firecracker grinning like a filly on Hearth's Warming Eve, and Shining continued, "the stallion we got it from is in the Canterlot Castle dungeon, he still won't give us any information. We're keeping him until he tells us something useful, I've got a feeling the Enchiridion isn't the only Monitored Item he's had his hooves on. Hopefully he'll tell us where he got it soon, or at least tell me his name, because pretending to think it's actually 'Bite Me' is getting old. Lastly, Lieutenant Cherry Cola, consider yourself officially a member of the Equestrian Royal Guard's Nonrational Service. We probably could've gotten you out if it if the whole thing had turned out to be mundane, but since That Which is Monitored was involved, we don't really have a choice but to keep you around, so welcome to the NRS, and I'm sorry I dragged you into it."

"It's not a problem, Captain," Cherry Cola said, "I've wanted to join the Guard since I was a colt. It's an honor to serve you, sir."

"No need for formality," Shining answered with a grin. "I'll give you a tour of the facilities later. This Incident is officially closed. Ponies, dismissed."

Author's Note

The Nonrational Service! Shining Armor takes it seriously so we don't have to!

The Haunting of the Canterlot Archives

"Well, Cola, before we get too deep into specifics, do you have any general questions for me?" Shining Armor asked. He and Cherry Cola were on the first floor of the Canterlot Archives, near the entrance.

"I guess I'm sorta wondering what exactly we do," Cola replied, "I mean, exploding seeds, books that teach impossible spells, what's the Nonrational Service about?"

"To be honest, I think Jetstream summed it up pretty well; we're the Friggin' Weird Stuff Division," Shining explained. "Actually, a book that lets unicorns cast spells that should be impossible is pretty tame compared to some of the other stuff we deal with. If you want a really weird book, we've got one that drips blood from between its pages, and is chained up because at some point in the past one of my predecessors decided nopony should ever read it. He went and lost the key, too."

"Uh, do I dare ask why nopony's allowed to read the book?" Cola asked uncertainly.

"Well, it was a long time ago, so our records aren't exactly complete," Shining admitted, "but apparently one NRS member cracked it open and went through a slow descent into madness, so the OIC decided to insure that that didn't happen again. Even before the victim completely lost it, he couldn't say what he'd read. The book's written in a language he didn't recognize. Poor guy lost his mind and didn't even get any earth-shattering revelations about the fundamental nature of existence or anything." Shining turned and began climbing the stairs, adding, "that's probably one of our more spooky examples of That Which is Monitored. I don't have any desire to unchain it, but I'd like to find that key just to make sure nopony else does."

"I... see," Cola said.

"Most of the stuff we handle isn't as bad as that, though," Shining said, "here's a fun fact for you; when she first formed the Service, Princess Celestia had alicorns listed as Entity One."

"She did?" Cola asked, "I'm guessing due to their immense power and longevity, right?"

"That and -Twily?" Shining interrupted himself, spotting his sister emerging from one of the wings off the main hallway. "What are you up to today?"

"Oh, hi, Big Brother," Twilight greeted as Cherry Cola bowed, "I'm in town for a few days and decided to do some recreational research. Oh, hello," the Princess noticed Cola, "are you a new member of my brother's unit?"

"Yes, your highness," Cola replied, fighting off his confusion at the self-contradictory nature of the phrase 'recreational research.' "Lieutenant Cherry Cola, Nonrational Service."

"Please, just call me 'Twilight'," her highness replied, "I guess Shining is giving you the..." Twilight trailed off as a low, sinister moan was heard.

"Princess, do you know if there's anypony else on this floor?" Cola asked, cautiously moving behind Twilight. From their location in the middle of the floor, an enemy would have to approach from one of the hallway's two directions. With Cola in position and Shining remaining where he was, the princess was protected from both possible threat vectors.

"As far as I know, the three of us are the only living things on this floor," Twilight answered. This statement was emphasized by another moan, this one louder and higher-pitched.

"Captain, I don't like the sound of that. I recommend we evacuate the Princess immediately," Cola said.

"No need for that," Shining replied calmly. There was a sudden cacophony of rattling and clanking, as if somepony were dragging chains on the floor. Then, it appeared. A gray, translucent apparition, vaguely pony-shaped, with chains shackled to each hoof appeared in front of Cola, at the stairs leading to the third floor.

"Wwwwooaaoooaaoooaaoooo," the spectral manifestation lamented, dragging its chains towards the ponies. Cola planted his hooves and lowered his head, prepared to fight the creature.

"Captain!" Cola said.

"Stay calm, Cola," Shining replied.

"WWooOOAAAaoooaaAAoOOOooo," the apparition contributed, approaching much more quickly than its pace indicated. It was more clearly visible, now evidently a ghostly mare in a long, hooded cloak. Cola scraped a hoof on the floor and snorted.

"Get ready to run, Princess," the earth pony said, not looking back. He didn't know whether he could fight a ghost, but he had to try.

"WWWOOOAAAH-HA-HA-HA!" The ghost suddenly started laughing. Her chains vanished and she pushed off her hood, revealing face that bore a slight resemblance to Princess Twilight. "You should see the look on your face!"

"Hamina-wha?!" Cola inquired as the ghostly mare suddenly appeared directly in front of him.

"My humble apologies, friend," the spirit said, "I am never able to resist the temptation to have a bit of fun with new members of the Nonrational Service. I am Entity Five Hundred and Thirteen, the Ghost of Clover the Clever. Please feel free to call me Clover."

"I -guh -huh," Cola said before sensibility and general politeness suddenly kicked in. "I am Lieutenant Cherry Cola, I -wait, did you say you're Clover the Clever? The one in the Hearth's Warming Eve story?"

"The very same," Clover replied, "the original Clover the Clever, not to be confused with the many performers and impersonators who have portrayed me in the millennia since. Speaking of which," Clover vanished, re-appearing in front of Twilight and bowing. "Princess Twilight Sparkle, I was well pleased with your portrayal of me at this past Hearth's Warming Eve Pageant."

"Thank you, I'm glad you liked it," Twilight said, blushing, "but you don't need to bow to me. I mean, you founded Equestria, so if anything, I feel like I should bow to you." The Princess promptly did exactly that.

"Well, old habits die hard, as they say," Clover said with a small laugh, "and what is a ghost but a bundle of old habits just wandering around?"

"Oh, don't speak of yourself that way," Twilight replied, "you're one of the greatest ponies in Equestria!"

"Oh, ho, so says the mare who became an alicorn," Clover countered flatteringly.

"They're probably gonna to go on like this for a while," Shining quietly informed Cola, "C'mon, we'll leave them to it."

"Sorry about that," Shining said once he and Cola reached the third floor. "My sister and Clover like to have their dueling compliment sessions. Like dueling banjos, but more adorkable."

"Why is the ghost of Clover the Clever haunting the Canterlot Archives?" Cola asked, still slightly wide-eyed.

"While she's best known as one of the co-founders of Equestria, Clover also founded the Canterlot Archives and designed this tower," Shining answered. "The offices we use were even designed by her, although she won't tell anypony why she originally put them in. She was so attached to this place that when her body died, her spirit stuck around. Fairly normal haunting, really." Cola struggled to process the concepts of 'adorkable' and 'normal haunting' as Shining continued. "Around Hearth's Warming Eve, her spirit gets stronger, letting her leave this tower and roam the rest of Canterlot. She'll never get far enough from here to reach her eternal rest, though."

"Oh. I see." Cola said, "that's... kind of depressing, you know?"

"True enough," Shining admitted. A hint of sadness wandered into his voice and decided to take up residence. "Everypony she knows and loves will one day cross that veil between life and death, going where she can never follow, even though it's well and truly time she did. Kinda gets you down just thinking about it, so we let her have her fun. She's darn helpful, too. If you need advice, asking her is never a bad idea."

"Was letting her have her fun why you didn't warn me?"

"You should've seen it when we pulled that routine on Jetstream and Firecracker. Jetstream got ready to fight, just like you did, but Firecracker blasted Clover with a big flamethrower spell. We had to replace the carpet after that, but at least nopony got hurt."

"What happened when she pulled that stunt on you?" Cola asked, immediately regretting putting his Captain on the spot.

"Pf, I tried to kick her," Shining admitted with an embarrassed grin, "A special talent for barrier spells. Years of training in combat magic. First time I think I'm in a real fight I try to kick a ghost. Smooth. As. Gravel."

"Well, to be fair, I almost did the same thing," Cola said with a chuckle.

"True enough. But getting back to our original topic, most of the stuff we deal with is fairly benign," Shining started down the hall, with Cola following, "stuff that doesn't really hurt anypony, but also doesn't actually fit into the universe at large, either. Regardless of how dangerous it is, we find it, we document it, and if we really have to, we lock it away."

"Do we have to do that a lot?" Cola asked.

"Not with Entities, most of them are pretty harmless," Shining said, "most Locations are pretty harmless, too. There's a couple places where we've had to set up a means of keeping ponies out, but most of the danger comes from Items. We've got a few caves beneath Canterlot that we've converted into vaults for hiding away Items. Oh, that reminds me, I guess we should start going over the ground rules."

Hours later, Cherry Cola settled in to his quarters beneath the Canterlot Archives. The Nonrational Service had a lot of regulations and requirements, and he was trying to absorb them all. Most of them were common sense, which made things easier. Cola had also gotten his hooves on the records documenting a few examples of That Which is Monitored, which he planned to read the next day. He wasn't exactly sure what the future held, but he knew it had to be more interesting than life on a cherry farm.

NRS Record - Item 249: The Book that Bleeds

Following the Changeling Incursion, an effort was made to systematically explore and map the extensive cave network beneath Canterlot, much of which was a disused mine from the early days of the Classical Era. While the mined were abandoned long ago, the presence of official documentation and That Which is Monitored indicates that the Nonrational Service used the caves for at least part of the Modern Era. However, even our predecessors left the caves, likely sometime before Incident Endless Night. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are reluctant to discuss Equestria's past, and that includes a recalcitrance regarding these caves. In addition, even Clover the Clever admits to having only limited knowledge of NRS activities during this time period, as the Service was at that time extremely unwilling to trust a Monitored Entity, even an obviously benign one. Despite the lack of available information, we have been able to re-secure a number of Monitored Items, most of which are still contained within the caves where they were found.

One such cave has been repurposed so serve as the Contact Hazards Vault, and was found with a number of Items already inside. Prominent among its contents is Item 249, Book that Bleeds. The only remaining documentation regarding I249 that we have been able to find are a few crumbling, water-damaged pages from a journal kept by the only member of the NRS to open the book. That pony's name has unfortunately been lost, and he or she never seemed to bother with dates or times when writing in the journal, but the remaining pages tell us all we need to know about the Book. Reproductions of relevant passages will follow. -Captain Shining Armor

The [text missing] Private School burned down last night. There were no survivors, and nopony was aware of the fire, even though the conflagration of such a massive building burning should have been visible for miles in the evening sky. Princess Luna suspects [text missing] Which is Monitored, and so she commanded Captain Stormwalker to investigate. The place was out in the foothills between Fillydelphia and the Foal Mountains, surrounded by a large, stone wall. We [text missing] locals, and apparently the school had a spooky reputation. [text missing] town, strange noises being heard by passers-by, even the occasional alleged disappearance. Typical signs of a haunted building, but this one was inhabited. Ponies usually leave a haunted place if they can possibly help it. The Captain doesn't think we'll get much info just asking questions, she's having us check out what's left of the place ourselves tomorrow.

Nopony has disturbed the ruins at all. Even though the gate isn't locked, [text missing] any attempts to clear out the wreckage, salvage anything valuable, or even look for survivors. That last one worries me the most. Ponies were so scared of this building that when disaster struck, they didn't even check whether if the residents survived. That's not [text missing] What got into the heads of the Fillydelphians about this school?

Stormwalker divided the grounds into sections and set everypony to sifting through the remains. Mostly it's just ashes, with some slag from metal things, broken ceramics, and remnants of support beams. I found something really weird, though. It's a thick book, hardbound, [text missing] title, author, nothing. Why didn't this book burn? I opened it, but every page [text missing] I don't recognize. It looks like some kind of language, but I don't know what it is. Wasn't until after I closed the book and started brushing ashes off the cover that I noticed the blood. There was so much ash on the book, I didn't even feel it. Stormwalker figured [text missing] the lockbox for now, and clean it off later, back at base. She didn't look inside of it, even though I told her the writing doesn't make sense. Something's bugging her. Normally she'd [text missing] a mystery like this and never let go, but this time she didn't seem to care. I think she's still holding out hope that somepony survived, and we'll find them if only we lug enough junk out of the foundation. It's [text missing] haven't found any bodies, for that matter. Even in the heat of the flames, at least skeletons should remain, right? We haven't found a single trace of any [text missing] are the staff and students? Did they leave before the blaze and not come back? Was the fire intentional? Why hasn't [text missing] them?

Now I know how Stormwalker feels. One thing's for sure, that book [text missing] it all off, but more blood oozes from the pages. I locked it away like I was told, I guess we'll have a shot [text missing] at least making it stop bleeding, when we get back to Canterlot.

I had the most demented nightmare last night. I mean, I've had [text missing] come with the job, but this one? This one was jacked up. Not just a little jacked up, like [text missing] this one was jacked all the way up. It was like this: I opened my eyes, and it was the middle of the night, but I could see just fine. I was in a cemetery or something, graves all around. No grass, and [text missing] Iron fences everywhere, spikes sticking up out of the ground, all kinds of stuff like that. Messed up place, I'll tell you what. Then I noticed I was standing on my hind hooves, but I [text missing] that somehow. My coat had turned purple instead of green, my wings [text missing] front hooves had grown into these long red claws. No joints in those claws, and no sharp edges, but the tips looked needle-sharp. Just as I was starting to really freak out, [text missing] two-legged shambling things I don't even have words for. They swung at me with their stretchy front limbs, but I managed to dodge. Moving felt completely natural, and so did stabbing the monsters repeatedly with my new claws. Dang things [text missing] hit them.

Monsters down, I decided (not having realized this is a dream) to go looking for [text missing] what was going on. So I wandered the graveyard, and the further I got, the more it seemed like I was in a cave or something, even though I could see the sky overhead. I [text missing] had to jump over a bunch of pits full of spikes that looked pretty lethal, and finally I found that book that was bleeding. For the life of me, I couldn't [text missing] place, so I tried to pick it up. The moment I laid a claw on it, though, I woke up.

First thing I did was look myself over. I was all green again, except [text missing] that purple color that my whole coat was in the dream. My wings were still around, which was a relief. Then I looked over at the [text missing] bleeding all over. I panicked. I'll admit it, I flipped my dang lid. Everything after that's sort of a blur. I vaguely remember being told my hooves were perfectly green, then looking and seeing that they were, [text missing] a hallucination, maybe an effect of the nightmare? Nopony can figure out how the bloody book [text missing] though. Stormwalker thinks the nightmare and the book are related, since I was the only one who actually opened it. She locked the book back up and we went [text missing] see if we could dig up anything else.

We've gone through everything at that ruin twice over now, thanks to Spark Bolt's [text missing] but not a thing. No signs of anypony either surviving or dying in the fire, no recoverable [text missing] nonrational except that book. Stormwalker says we're going back [text missing] do about the book there.

Had that nightmare again. Took longer [text missing] book this time. Woke up with the book on my nightstand again. Didn't panic this time, [text missing] Can now verify purple front hooves a visual hallucination, dispelled by being told my hooves aren't really purple. Stormwalker's really upset now. [text missing] packing up and making for Canterlot as fast as we can.

Our train arrived in Canterlot arrived just a little while ago. I actually fell asleep [text missing] the nightmare again. [text missing] some spikes, but came back to life and [text missing] book. This time the rest of the NRS saw what happened. The Book that Bleeds (as Stormwalker [text missing] next to me about two minutes before I woke up. It's too bad [text missing] nightmare, or else I might be able to figure out of there's [text missing] dreaming and when the book moves. [text missing] right to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, neither [text missing] seen or heard of the thing. [text missing] even took the book to Entity 513, who just told her to 'get that hateful thing out of here' and disappeared. [text missing] right idea, I think. Finally, Stormwalker chained the thing [text missing] the Contact Hazards Vault down in [text missing] put in a drain for the blood, which opens to a crack deep beneath the surface, where there's [text missing] Spark Bolt isn't too happy with the implications of [text missing] the earth like this, but there isn't much else we can do. Princess Luna [text missing] Vault so that nothing can teleport out of it, we'll see what that does for the nightmares tonight.

[text missing] occurred again, but was different. Kept going through the [text missing] couldn't find the book. Lots of monsters, spikes, [text missing] that. Lost count of [text missing] fought and died, always [text missing] life. Finally woke up when my alarm clock rang, never found the book in the dream. [text missing] was still in the Contact Hazards Vault. Spark Bolt figures Luna's spell worked, and I couldn't [text missing] in the nightmare because it couldn't teleport to me. Luna couldn't [text missing] into my dreams, which I didn't think was [text missing] hoping it'll fade with time.

It's been almost [text missing] still happening, getting worse. [text missing] monsters and hazards every night. Seem to take longer, too. [text missing] getting worse, too. Now my whole coat looks purple to me, even [text missing] still green to everypony else. Being told I'm still green no longer [text missing] that matter. Stormwalker's scared, she thinks I'm losing my mind. I'm [text missing]

I have always taken pride [text missing] highly rational pegasus. I'm the reasonable one here in the Nonrational Service. Me. Have to keep reminding [text missing] Service, afraid I'll forget that otherwise. Or I was the [text missing], until [text missing] mistake: I opened the Book that Bleeds. [text missing] just my coat, now I'm starting to see spikes where there aren't any, other [text missing] starting to look gray, like the [text missing] nightmares. Luna still can't [text missing] dreams, neither Princess can help me. When the Princesses can't [text missing] really scared. Spark Bolt doesn't know what will happen if we try to destroy the Book. It might [text missing] might just burn everything. Stormwalker thinks I might [text missing] if things get worse. No attempts at psychological [text missing] at all, Stormwalker's taken me off [text missing] rotation, wants me to report [text missing] her daily. I think she thinks if [text missing] I'll try to burn the Archives down.

[text missing] final entry. I [text missing] committed today. The nightmares and hallucinations are [text missing] nothing helps. Ponies are looking more and more like [text missing] to me, but clearly I'm still hallucinating, since everypony else thinks they're still normal. At least I'm [text missing] realize that I'm the one who's in the wrong. [text missing] Book is still in the Vault, which is fine with me. They're putting me in a padded room at [text missing] no access to anything flammable, just like I [text missing] don't know where the key to the Book's chains is, don't want [text missing] either. Don't know if Captain Stormwalker will archive [text missing] she does, this is a message to anypony reading [text missing] not read the Book that Bleeds. Do not [text missing] it. Do not even consider the possibility. Lock it away, lock me away, and let [text missing] claim no more victims.

-Lieutenant [text missing] Nonrational Service.

Lieutenant Cherry Cola looked up from the scroll in his hooves to face Captain Shining Armor.

"What do you think?" Shining asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Sir, I'm sorry I asked," Cola replied, "but at least now I know why you're so eager to dig up any other Nonrational stuff that's lying around out there."

"I would've made you read it even if you hadn't asked," Shining replied, "for exactly that reason. We need to know what's out there, and we need to protect ponies from it. It was either this or the Incident Endless Five Forty-Eight report, and that one doesn't really get the message across unless you've actually met Entity Five Forty-Eight."

"Entity Five Forty-Eight?"

"Yup. She's a member of my sister's royal retinue, in fact. Her name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. But enough about that, it's time you met Princess Luna."

Incident Thin Stallion: Part 1

Located within the Badlands to the southeast of Equestria proper, the Oubliette had once been a prison in ages long past, but was abandoned centuries before the rise of Nightmare Moon. Following a particularly nasty Incident that had cost the Nonrational Service almost all of its personnel, including its previous leader, the Oubliette had been re-activated to contain what was left of a particularly dangerous Entity Which is Monitored. Due to the remote and dangerous location, as well as the generally miserable living conditions, Guardsponies were stationed at the Oubliette in rotations of only one month. However, the ponies who had just completed their rotations had not returned to Canterlot as ordered, and no messages had been received from their replacements. Shining Armor was very, very worried.

Cherry Cola, walking down a sidewalk in Canterlot, proudly wearing his new Royal Guard officer's jacket, was blissfully ignorant of his Captain's concerns. He was also ignorant of the fact that the concerns of an earth pony mare with an expertly-coiffed mane were about to be foremost in his mind.

"Excuse me, you're in the Royal Guard, correct?" The mare with the asymmetrical mane asked.

"I -yes, miss, I am," Cola replied. Despite the jacket, he was still getting used to the idea.

"Good. My name is Vidala Swoon. You may have heard of my employer, Photo Finish. I have something I think the Guard needs to know about," Vidala paused to remove a photograph from her saddlebag and give it to Cola. The photo depicted a mare with a blue-grey coat and a black mane, wearing an elaborate dress with holes in it for her leathery, bat-like wings. The mare stood at the edge of a dark forest. "This is Summer Breeze. Photo Finish was taking some test pictures of her in Hollow Shades about two weeks ago. She wanted to be a model, you see."

"I follow you," Cola said.

"Yes. Well, Photo Finish invited her to come to Canterlot, and today received a letter from her parents saying she had left Hollow Shades one week ago, and that they have not heard from her since. As far as we know, Summer Breeze never arrived in Canterlot."

"Have you filed a missing pony report yet?" Cola asked. He sincerely hoped that somepony had, since Shining Armor hadn't trained him on the process involved in that particular bit of paperwork yet. Shining Armor, it had to be said, seemed to resent paperwork in general, (an attitude Cola could respect) with the exception of NRS documentation. The Captain treated NRS records with a degree of care that bordered on reverence.

"Photo Finish did this morning, but I was looking over the photos and noticed something strange in that one."

"Now that I look closer, there is something between those trees behind and to the left of her. Was something on the camera lens?"

"If anypony but Photo Finish had taken that pic, I'd have thought so myself. She spends hours every day cleaning her equipment. And talking to it. She gets a little creepy sometimes."

Cola squinted at the picture. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that smudge is a pony of some description."

"That's what it looks like, but there wasn't anypony there when we were taking the pictures."

The more Cola looked at the distorted area of the photo, the more it looked like a pony was lurking in the forest behind Summer Breeze. The idea of a pony who could only be seen in photographs struck Cola as exactly within his new line of work. "Is it all right if I show this picture to my captain? I've got a feeling he'll want to see it."

"Go ahead. Please let us know if you find anything, we're all worried about her. Oh, I think I see Photo Finish."

"Ah, I haff found you, Hairspray!" Photo Finish's loud voice and distinct accent cut through the air from across the street. "Ve haff a shoot in only three hours! Ve must prepare to capture... Da Magicks!" The particular emphasis she put in 'Da Magicks' made it clear that it should be capitalized.

"Is working for her... difficult?" Cola asked quietly as Photo approached.

"A lot of ponies call me that because I use to much of it," Vidala muttered, misunderstanding Cola's question and unintentionally revealing the secret to the shape of her mane, "but she's the only one who doesn't say it like it's a bad thing, and she can be a lot of fun, in her own way."

"... I see," Cola replied, despite being unsure he did, "well, I'd better leave you to it."

"Captain? I've got something I think you should see."

"Is it serious?" Shining Armor asked, not looking up from the cluster of papers and scrolls hovering in his magic aura, "I think we've got a big problem, and I'm trying to cross-reference and collate all my available data to determine the probability that my suspicions are correct, at which point if I'm lucky I'll be able to stop talking like my sister."

"Uh, it's a picture of a pony who nopony saw when it was being taken. I think he only shows up in photographs, or something like that. I figured it's our kind of deal." Cola set the photo on Shining Armor's desk and slid it towards him.

"A pony who only appears in pictures, huh? It's not this mare in the fancy dress, is it?"

"No, left of her, in the-" Cola cut himself off as Shining's magic aura disappeared, littering the desk and floor with documentation.

"That. That thing!" Shining's pupils shrunk to tiny dots in his eyes, and he started breathing heavily. He glared at the picture as if he hoped he could kill the strange pony in the woods just by hating it enough. "When was this picture taken?!"

"two weeks ago, in Hollow Shades-" Cola answered.

"Tartarus!" Shining cursed, "who is this mare? And who was the photographer?"

"Her name's Summer Breeze, apparently she went missing last week." Cola said. Shining gnashed his teeth as Cola continued, "the photographer was Photo Finish-"

Shining lunged to the still-open door of his office. "Jetstream! In here now!"

"Sir! Lieutenant Jetstream reporting!" Cola ducked as the pegasus flew into the room. Cola realized that she was actually following correct protocol for addressing a superior officer, which she apparently only did when Shining Armor was shouting.

"Photo Finish! You heard of her?"

"Firecracker said something about her being a-"

"I want her and her entire staff in protective custody now! Every last one of them needs to have at least two Guardsponies watching them at all times! Once you've done that, get Firecracker Burst and Blue October in here!"

Jetstream blinked twice, stunned, then saluted. "Yes Sir!" She flew out of the room as fast as she could.

"Captain, what's going on? What is that thing?" Cola asked, now utterly confused.

Instead of answering, Shining used his magic to push everything off his desk again. Documents and records of all kinds fell to the floor like large, floppy snowflakes with governmental information on them. Then, he opened a file cabinet behind the desk and withdrew two folders. Cola realized that the cabinet in question was the one enchanted to copy any documents put into it. Shining tossed the files into the desk. "Memorize these." The Captain ordered, "then put them in here." He added an envelope marked 'For Immediate Destruction' to the stack. "None of these leave this room under any circumstances. I'm going to lock you in. I need to go see Princess Celestia." With that, the Captain left, closing and locking the door behind him. Cherry Cola looked at the two folders before him. One was labeled 'Entity 600.' The other was marked 'Incident Faceless.'

Very few ponies could barge into the throne room of the Royal Pony Sisters uninvited. Princesses Celestia and Luna could do so, of course, as it was their throne room, although most ponies had difficulty imagining the ever-dignified Princesses barging anywhere. Well, maybe Luna. The Princesses Twilight Sparkle and Mi Amore Cadenza could barge in, as well, although they were also not much given to barging. Except Twilight when she was worried about something.

Captain Shining Armor, as a rule, did not barge either, but like his sister, was wont to do so when he was worried. He barged into the throne room with such haste and with such a dire expression that any other non-alicorn pony would have been slide-tackled and subjected to the distinct ministrations of Royal Guard ponies who had an extremely important job which they approached with such intensity and seriousness that they considered listening to funeral dirges while on duty to be entirely too silly. The two bulky, golden-armored pegasus stallions at the door knew that Shining Armor was allowed access to Princess Celestia at any time, and they also knew that they didn't need to know why, so when he threw the throne room doors open with his magic and charged wordlessly past them, the pegasi merely saluted, not lowering their hooves until the doors slammed shut.

"Trouble's brewing," one door guard said to the other in a distinct Trottingham accent.

"Of course it is, it's the Princess's tea-time," the other replied. "And it's Tuesday. I'd be more worried if there wasn't a crisis."

"Too right," the first guard agreed.

"I have terrible news," Shining told Princess Celestia without preamble.

"I gathered as much," Celestia replied, setting her teacup on a small side table, "so, nephew of mine, what is the emergency?"

"Entity Six Hundred has been spotted at Hollow Shades."

"Yes," Celestia said, her eyelid twitching, "that is indeed terrible news. Wasn't the garrison at the Oubliette rotated recently?"

"We haven't seen or heard from either the previous garrison or their replacements," Shining said grimly, "I think I can guess what happened to them, though. I just don't know how."

"Indeed, I thought rendering the creature to ash and storing it in a container sealed with every locking enchantment I know was sufficient."

"So did I."

Celestia closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "I think, however, that things won't go the way they did last time."

"Your Majesty?"

"I have a spell I'd like to teach you, one that wasn't available to us last time. Twilight has already used it on one occasion, and I think it's time we added it to your repertoire, as well."

"So he didn't say what this is all about?" Firecracker asked.

"No, but I tell you what, he was super mad," Jetstream replied, "he flippin' used my rank and everything. Made me go put a bunch of ponies into protective custody, so it's gotta be something big."

"It is extremely rare for the Guard to take ponies into protective custody," October pointed out.

"No kiddin'. Cap was shouting, too. When's the last time he yelled just 'cause he was mad?"

"The only other time I can recall him doing that was... oh my goodness." Firecracker's face went pale, and she put a hoof to her mouth.

"He locked Cola in his office, too," Jetstream pointed out, "that means only one thing: Cola's readin' something that doesn't leave that room, and there's only so many bits of paperwork with that rule on 'em."

The discussion was interrupted by Shining Armor, who entered the central room of the NRS offices with a determined look on his face. The three mares looked at him nervously. "Into my office," Shining said, magically unlocking the door. "Lieutenant Cola, are you finished reading?"

"Yes, sir," Cherry Cola answered. Firecracker wordlessly took the envelope in her magic and touched it to her horn, setting it on fire. "Captain... what're we gonna do?"

"I'll get to that, Lieutenant, but I need to start this briefing at the beginning." Shining walked to the other side of the desk and sat in his chair. "Nonrational Service, Entity Six Hundred is no longer considered terminated. It is active, and has breached containment." Jetstream fell out of the air, belly-flopping onto the floor. Firecracker clapped a hoof to her mouth again, wide-eyed. As Cola helped Jetstream onto her hooves, Blue October marched over to a corner and sat on the floor, staring at the wall.

"Captain... how can that be?" Firecracker asked, "we... I obliterated that thing. Utterly, completely-"

"I don't know, and it doesn't matter. It was last seen near Hollow Shades, so we're going down there as soon as preparations are complete. Lieutenant Cherry Cola, this is our first Incident since you became an official member of the NRS, and as you've probably gathered, it's pretty much the worst thing you could have to deal with in this unit. So the silver lining in the clouds is that your career can only get easier from here, right?"

"I... I guess so, Sir?" Cola had no idea how to respond to this question.

"Good enough," Shining replied, "all right then. Until I say otherwise, all activities of the Nonrational Service Core Officers will be documented under Incident Thin Stallion. Our first order of business is to go out to the castle gardens and cast a spell that Princess Celestia just taught me. So, let's head out."

"This spell Princess Celestia taught me is kind of weird," Shining said, surrounded by his subordinates in the Canterlot Castle Gardens, "I'll need help to cast it, but my helpers don't need to know how to cast it, and you don't even need to be unicorns."

"So, what do we need to do, Cap?" Jetstream asked.

"Just stand there and try to look like you think I know what I'm doing," Shining replied, "oh, and I guess the spell works better if you think about wanting to help."

"Well, magic is as magic does," Jetstream repeated the old Ponyville saying with a shrug. She set down on the ground, folded her wings, and tried to feel helpful.

"All right, here we go," Shining said. His horn lit up, and then his eyes began to glow. The ponies of the Nonrational Service found themselves surrounded by a ring of rainbow colors, then there was a blinding flash of light.

"So, I was thinking that if I moved the chicken coop, you'd have room for a -oh for pity's sake!" Discord said. He hovered in the air, his serpentine body in what might be called a sitting position, and held daintily in his eagle-like talon was a white teacup with a picture of a black kitten on it.

"Special Asset Delta, we-" Shining began.

"Oh, gag me with a spoon, Shining Armor," Discord interrupted, rolling his eyes. "I have a name, you know." Discord paused to take a sip of tea. The picture of a kitten jumped off the teacup, transformed into a real kitten in mid-air, and disappeared under some nearby bushes. A few hours later, the kitten would be discovered by a tiny filly on her way home from magic kindergarten, follow her home, and bring love and happiness into her household for years to come.

"Discord? We summoned Discord?!" Firecracker asked, stupefied.

"Surprise," Discord said sardonically, "Discord, master of chaos, allegedly at your service." Discord drained his teacup and tossed it over his shoulder. The cup transformed into a pelican and flew east, towards the sea. There it would become known as Whittard, Lord of Pelicans, and would rule over Equestria's eastern seaboard, launching a new era of freedom and prosperity for all sea birds. "You know, it wasn't so bad when only Twilight Sparkle could cast that summoning spell, at least her I could respect." Discord complained, "but now that dear old Celestia's worked out how to do it without the Elements of Harmony, I suppose everypony with a title is going to be dragging me away whenever they feel like it."

"Discord, this spell is only to be used in dire emergencies, and it's only taught to the most trusted of ponies" Shining pointed out.

"Fine, fine," Discord said with a sigh, "but I'm warning you, if Blueblood ever summons me I'm calling off this entire 'reformation' business. And you don't even want to know what I'll do to him if he interrupts another one of Fluttershy's tea parties."

Jetstream couldn't help but laugh. "Ha! That little wallflower sure has you wrapped around her hoof, doesn't she?"

"I may be wrapped around Fluttershy's hoof," Discord said, shrinking himself down and wrapping himself around Jetstream's torso, "but you. Aren't. Fluttershy." He punctuated the last three words by poking Jetstream's snout. "Fluttershy may not be the most extroverted mare in Equestria, but when I was on the loose she and her friends -none of whom are in the Royal Guard unit that exists entirely to deal with problems like me, I remind you- stood up and faced me while all of you stayed safe and sound in your secret clubhouse beneath the Canterlot Archives." Discord vanished, only to reappear again at his normal size. "Fluttershy's saved Equestria more times than Celestia herself has, and what does she get for it? Pushed around and taken advantage of. Even her pet rabbit thinks he can kick her out of her own house, did you know that? If Fluttershy decided to be half as mean to everypony as all of you are to her, Celestia and Luna would be living under a bridge and this town would be Fluttertropolis, capitol city of the Eternal Fluttershy Empire!" Discord leaned on Shining Armor's shoulder and quietly added, "and believe me, I've tried to talk her into it."

"We don't have time for this, Discord," Shining said.

"Well, it looks like Celestia herself trains all her Guardsponies in the fine art of curmudgeonliness," Discord rolled his eyes again, "my point is, we don't say bad things about Fluttershy when I'm around, got it?" Without waiting for an answer, Discord continued, "now, what's so urgent that you had to come crying to me? Did Celestia lose her favorite bunny slippers?"

"I sincerely doubt Princess Celestia wears bunny slippers," Firecracker grumbled.

"Are you sure?" Discord asked with an air of mystery. Firecracker rolled her eyes.

Shining Armor took a deep breath and said, "Entity Six Hundred is active near Hollow Shades."

"Entity Six Hundred? I haven't heard of that one," Discord admitted, "just a minute." With that, he reached into Cherry Cola's ear and pulled out a file folder.

"What the -how did you do that?!" Cola asked, utterly confused.

"I can do whatever I want, I'm Discord," the draconequus replied matter-of-factedly. Discord opened the file, and his cheerful grin disappeared. "Oh. That," Discord added in disgust, "I thought you'd gotten rid of that thing."

"We thought so, too," Shining said, "but it's active again, we don't know how. I take it you've seen it before?"

"Are you joking? I've fought it before," Discord said, closing the folder and taking a bite out of it. "Back when I was running this show. I always let it get away because I didn't really care much what it did. But this time, it looks like I'll have to put a permanent stop to its antics."

"That's what I was hoping to hear," Shining said, smiling. He was starting to think that maybe working with Discord might not be so bad.

"Before anything else, I'm going to let Fluttershy know where I've disappeared to so she doesn't worry. Well, more than she'll anyway because that's just how she rolls, as it were." Discord said as a scroll and quill appeared in midair, "it's funny, really, I'm immortal and invulnerable, but she still worries for my safety. It's no wonder the Element of Kindness latched on to her. Anyway," Discord cleared his throat and began dictating to the levitating quill. "Dear Fluttershy, I have been rudely and unceremoniously called away by no more a pony than Captain Shining Armor, who has had a situation come up quite suddenly which requires my unique talents. I'm going to have to push my powers a bit further than dear old Celestia likes, but I promise I'll put everything back the way it was when I'm finished. This may take a few days, so it looks like Angel Bunny gets his favorite spot on the couch back. Tell him to enjoy it while it lasts. Sincerely, Discord." With the sound of its master's name, the quill vanished, and the scroll flew into the sky in a passable imitation of Spike's dragon fire.

"So, we're all set, then?" Shining asked.

"There is one more thing," Discord said, holding up a talon, "our skinny friend is a creature of pure, absolute order. He thrives on predictability, things going exactly the way he thinks they will. If we're going to beat him, we'll have to do it my way."

"And what, exactly, does that mean?"

An umbrella appeared in Discord's mismatched claws as dark clouds rolled in overhead. Discord opened the umbrella, although the fabric panels of the canopy stayed exactly where they were. With a dramatic and perfectly-timed lightning strike, Discord gleefully explained, "Hollow Shades is in for a big ol' storm of chaos!"

Incident Thin Stallion: Part 2

The ponies of the Nonrational Service managed to get a car to themselves on the train to Hollow Shades. It was not a popular destination, so the train was half-empty. Besides, the odd, brown-coated stallion with them unnerved the civilians. His constant grin was vaguely eerie, and ponies could swear the question mark he had for a cutie mark looked slightly different every time they saw it.

"Could you at least try not to creep out the passengers?" Shining Armor asked the mysterious pony.

"You're the one who said I should blend in," Discord replied, still grinning.

"You could blend in better if you didn't change your cutie mark every three minutes," Firecracker Burst grumbled.

"Yes! I was waiting for somepony to call me on that!" Discord declared with a laugh.

"Captain, I have to ask, what's our plan for this?" Cherry Cola asked. "I mean, what're we gonna do about this... thing?"

"Last time we just had to go hunting for it," Shining said, "the hard part was making it look like we were alone when we really weren't. Basically, all of us were bait."

"Yeah, not lookin' forward to doing that again," Jetstream complained.

"We can't even evacuate the civilians, if we do the target will just vanish and appear somewhere else," Blue October added. "This will be a difficult operation."

"That's why we brought Mister Grins-And-Smiles along," Shining said, waving a hoof at Discord. "All your big talk made me think you have a plan, so why don't you tell us what it is?"

"Oh, Shining Armor, how could a Prince of Equestria be so woefully naive?" The false pity in Discord's voice was tooth-gnashingly obvious.

"You don't have a plan." Shining muttered.

"Of course not!" Discord's pronouncement was gleeful and (inexplicably) exasperated at the same time. "Look, take what I've already told you about our tuxedoed friend and rattle it around in that head of yours. You'll figure it out."

"You said the target relies on predictability, so we need to be unpredictable to beat it... Oh good grief," Shining facehoofed. "You don't have a plan because plans are inherently organized and can therefore be predicted. Of course."

"Ha-ha! I knew you could figure it out!" Discord remained characteristically gleeful. "It must be said, you're taking this rather well! Your sister, dear friend though she is, would've tried to throw me out a window by now."

"That's still an option."

"Isn't it always? Oops, looks like we're here!"

Clouds made of crumpled wrapping paper drifted across the sky, sporadically releasing light rains of grape soda down onto the zebra-striped grass below. A pair of bushes used infinite sets of slogan-bearing posters to debate theology while an all-rabbit marching band in matching green top hats paraded by, playing the Liberty Bell March. A pair of earth ponies fought a duel by proxy using strange and mysterious creatures that lived in metallic spheres while a passing unicorn used her horn, which spun like a drill, to burrow into the ground. A copse of trees in the park were working together in an effort to create a new subgenre of heavy metal, but were making no progress because they were too attached to power ballads to perform anything else. A small pegasus filly stirred unidentified spice-like substances into a cauldron of lukewarm ice, cackling to herself about 'mind control water'. Meanwhile, a large, grumpy-looking, long-haired cat named Rowsdower composed a long and fascinating essay on the debate between nature and nurture, with input and supporting evidence provided by his talking quill and some passing hedgehogs in three-piece suits.

Discord had arrived at Hollow Shades.

"Was all of this really necessary?" Shining asked as the town hall drifted by on a light breeze. Rope bridges were attached to the chunk of earth upon which the town hall floated, connecting it to three other hovering land masses, each with their own house, shed, or other building. Some of these structures were upside down, sideways, or some angle in between, but since each had its own 'up' and 'down' separate from gravity at large, this caused no trouble except disorientation. The bridges had been Cherry Cola's idea.

"I said I'd put it all back, didn't I?" Discord replied, beaming with unrestrained glee. He had frustratingly abandoned his pony form, and with it, all hopes of information security. All Shining Armor could do was rely on the spreading rumors of Discord's reformation as he tried to convince the civilians that this was all part of official Royal Guard business. The trick would be doing that without spreading classified information all over the place, much like the watermelon jam that a pair of enterprising ferrets were currently spreading on a nearby shrubbery.

"Here's another fun fact about our problem colt," Discord barged unceremoniously into Shining's train of thought, "remember how I said I've fought him? Well, let me tell you, our skinny friend out there just absolutely hates me, for some silly reason."

"I can't imagine why," Shining grumbled sarcastically.

"Me either!" Discord agreed, "but he knows my magic when he feels it, and he'll come looking for me. Probably intent on settling the score or whatever. He acts all blank and emotionless, but he sure knows how to not like a guy, let me tell you."

"If he's coming here, we have to intercept him before he reaches the town," Cola pointed out, "we don't want the civilians to even see this thing."

"Well, you did tell them to stay inside and shutter all the windows and such," Discord said, "but I suppose I see your point. Don't worry, I already know which direction he's coming from. Follow me, ponies!" Discord began to fly away, but stopped short when he realized that none of the ponies were actually following him. Turning around in mid-air, he asked, "what? Don't you want to put a stop to our sharp-dressed suspect's malfeasance?"

"We don't take orders from you," Firecracker replied, hostility clear in her voice.

"Oh, Firecracker Burst, you're no fun," Discord grumbled, "look, unless you have an idea better than putting this troublemaker in another jar so he can escape again in a few years, I suggest you follow my lead." Firecracker merely gritted her teeth and glared.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, and I'm sure I'll regret it," Shining interjected with a sigh, "but Discord has operational command of the Nonrational Service for the duration of Incident Thin Stallion."

"Captain, you can't-!" Firecracker began.

"Lieutenant Firecracker Burst, this is a Stage Five Crisis involving a Type Four Hostile Entity, which means I have total control of all Royal Guard assets available, and only a Princess of Equestria can gainsay my orders. So unless Celestia made you the Princess of Pyrotechnics while I wasn't looking and I just haven't noticed your wings yet, yes I darn well can!"

"... Yes sir," Firecracker grumbled after a brief pause. Shining sighed.

"Not that anypony's required to like my orders," the Captain admitted, "but -and let's add this to the list of things I can't believe I said today- Discord is our best option right now."

"Don't worry, Shining, all kinds of unbelievable things happen when I'm around," Discord said, "now then, let's go!"

The ponies Nonrational Service, with Discord leading the way, found themselves at the edge of the forest. Cautiously, they crossed the treeline into the dark of the thick woods. Well, the ponies were cautious. Discord floated and cackled all the while. Leaves turned all the colors of the rainbow as he passed, except for the ones that turned into comic book pages. Badgers drove about on tiny combine harvesters while flying squirrels assembled prototype helicopters. Suddenly, Discord stopped short as several pebbles sprouted wings and horns before taking to the sky.

"Ah, the stallion of the hour!" Discord announced as several trees uprooted themselves in order to walk off in a huff, revealing the tall, faceless stallion that had been lurking in their shadows. "Well, stallionoid hatemonster from outside of reality. Or was that Tirek? I always get you two confused."

"Why did we bring you along again?" Firecracker grumbled.

"Because I can do this," Discord said mildly as the small clearing yanked itself free of the earth and rose into the sky.

"So, I can't help but notice that our target isn't, well, doing anything," Cherry Cola pointed out. "That doesn't seem to match the documentation."

"Correct," Blue October said. "Under normal circumstances, it is violently hostile when cornered."

"Under normal circumstances, I'm not here," Discord explained. "Our beanpole of a friend over there never quite knows what to do when I'm around. At least until he gets angry."

"So, uh, what do we do?" Jetstream asked.

"I suppose you could rough him up a bit if you want," Discord suggested.

Shining Armor glanced at Discord. "Are you serious?"

"Not usually, but I'm making an exception this time."

"You do realize what happens to ponies that try to fight this thing, right?"

"Well I'm not very well going to let that happen, Shining Armor. Don't you trust me?"

"Did you really, actually, honestly just ask me that?"

"... No roughing him up, then?"

"Absolutely none."

"Fine, fine, I suppose it's about time I got rid of our little problem child anyway." With that, Discord turned to face the faceless creature, which was moving slowly towards the ponies, head low, apparently wary. "Let me warn you, my little ponies, this is going to get weird." Discord added with a grin, cracking his mismatched knuckles.

The universe was at once infinitely massive and unspeakably tiny. Zeroes and ones cascaded into the atmosphere from deep space before transforming into finned microphones and diving into the sea. Several hammerhead sharks invented jetpacks and became vegans, and Rowsdower was asked repeatedly if there was a connection. He doubted it. The be-suited hedgehogs turned into cyan grandfather clocks and started a tofurkey business to meet the increased demand for substitute meat products.

"Um, Captain?"

"What's up, Cherry Cola?"

"Actually, now may not be the best time."

"Come on, Cola, out with it."

"It's just I seem to be a full-length mirror. I, uh, I'm not sure how long I've been this way."

"I'm pretty sure that's something to do with Discord's magic. You'll notice that I seem to have become a purple ocelot."

"I didn't want to say anything, but yes, you do appear to be an ocelot. Although now you're pink."

"Looks that way. I'll probably be green in a minute."

"I hate to interrupt," Jetstream interrupted, "but I seem to be a turquoise-and-cyan zebra. And, nothing against zebras, but I really wish he'd turn me into something that could fly. Talk about not knowing what you've got 'til it's gone."

"At least you're still shaped like a pony," Firecracker Burst grumbled. Her light bulb flickered on and off as she talked. All of them were fairly sure the brick-red hummingbird buzzing around the group was Blue October, but she didn't have anything to say.

"Has anypony seen Discord?" Shining Armor asked.

"I thought I saw him fighting Entity Six Hundred on that molehill that's hanging from the moon," Firecracker said, her pendulum swinging in time to her words. The ponies turned to face the gigantic mound, which was indeed suspended from the moon by four lengths of fishing line. Neither troublemaker was visible.

"Wait, there they are!" Cola said. "On that ship made of donuts in the bay of milk!"

"That's a three-masted schooner," Jetstream observed admiringly. "Nice ship, by the looks of her."

"Did Discord just suplex Six Hundred?" Firecracker asked, her box spring creaking in confusion.

"Yeah, looked like a fisherpony suplex to me," Shining confirmed. "Looks like he's going for the finish-"

Shining Armor blinked. To his great relief, he was once again a unicorn pony, and not in any way a green ocelot. In fact, all of the ponies of the Nonrational Service appeared to have returned to being ponies. The chunk of earth was once again in its place as part of the planet's surface.

"Well that, um, that happened," Cherry Cola was absolutely baffled.

"It sure did," Jetstream contributed.

"There now, wasn't that fun?" Discord asked.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response," Shining Armor said flatly. "What happened to Entity Six Hundred?"

"I sent him on a one-way trip back where he came from."

"You're going to have to elaborate."

"I told you he was from outside reality, right? That's where I put him."

"You're honestly telling me you can exile ponies from existence?"

"Only if they don't belong here."

"I'm adding that to your Monitored Entity profile."

"I'll be sure to give it a read later, to make sure you've done me justice," Discord said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tea party to get to." With that, Discord vanished in a flash of paisley-patterned light.

"Well, I'll admit causing Entity Six Hundred to stop existing wasn't how I envisioned this ending, but I have to admit, it has a certain appeal to it," Shining Armor said, turning to face the other ponies. "Let's deal with the fallout from Discord's playing around and put a lid on Incident Thin Stallion."

Author's Note

I put a thing on the backburner for a while and next thing I know it's been a year since I updated! Discord done did his level best to break existence, but at least he put it back together.

Nonrational Service Roster

Core Officers

The Nonrational Service is led by a highly-trusted Captain of the Royal Guard, who has the privilege and responsibility of bypassing the normal chain of command to report directly to Princess Celestia. The Captain of the Nonrational Service is assisted by a core team of lieutenants who are either hoof-picked by said Captain or assigned to the Service by a Princess. NRS doctrine requires a high degree of secrecy, and ponies outside the Service are forbidden from knowing nearly all the details of their operations. However, the Service occasionally has a need to employ skills and talents outside of what is available to it, and so the Captain of the Service is one of the only Royal Guard members who is allowed to practice conscription. Ponies pressed into the NRS for knowing too much or for having vital skills become Lieutenants of the Guard and spend most of their lives as career officers. Captains of the Service, along with the Royal Sisters, have traditionally been both willing and able to find loopholes or excuses not to exercise this power, and it is used only as a last resort. The Nonrational Service Core Officers Group is headquartered in a secret second basement hidden below the first basement of the Canterlot Archives. Their current membership is as follows:

Captain-Prince Shining Armor

Position: Officer-In-Charge, Combat Magic Expert

Kind: Unicorn

Coat: White

Mane: Blue, striped in three different shades

Eyes: Teal

Cutie Mark: Shield with a star inside and three stars above

Description: Shining Armor first took charge of the Nonrational Service as a lieutenant, when he was asked to take command of the unit in the field after the disappearance of its then-current commanding officer, Captain Rock Solid. The events surrounding Rock Solid's disappearance are described in Incident Faceless. Following the resolution of that Incident, and based on the recommendation of Lieutenant Blue October, Princess Celestia promoted Shining Armor to the rank of captain and formalized his command over the Nonrational Service.

The fate of Rock Solid has left its mark on Shining Armor, who has put a great deal of effort into strengthening the Service's security and containment procedures. Additionally, it has come to his attention that several items and entities that should fall under NRS purview have faded into myth and folklore, and so he makes a constant effort to root out That Which is Monitored from old stories and rumors.

Despite the weight of his duties and the immense scope of the tasks ahead of him, Captain Shining Armor remains upbeat, tolerating with aplomb antics from his subordinates that many Royal Guard commanding officers would demand a court-martial over. He considers their eccentric and occasionally disrespectful behavior to be merely part of the job, treating it as a means of coping with the strange and often extremely dangerous tasks that fall under their purview. There are theoretically some lines that even Shining Armor will not allow his subordinates to cross, but they are few and rarely approached, as even the most unruly of his officers holds the Captain in the utmost respect.

Lieutenant Blue October

Position: Information Expert

Kind: Pegasus

Coat: Light blue

Mane: Dark blue

Eyes: Blue

Cutie Mark: Unknown, see below

Description: A veteran intelligence officer who has passed up more promotions than most Royal Guard officers are ever offered, Blue October served under Captain Rock Solid before and during Incident Faceless. Following that ordeal, Princess Celestia offered Blue October a promotion to Captain and command of the NRS, but October declined both, recommending that Shining Armor take command instead.

As the Service's information expert, Blue October is expected to gather intelligence pertaining to the Service's current operations, and to be able to provide detailed information to her fellow officers at a moment's notice. Blue October exceeds these expectations with a taciturn demeanor and a world-class poker face. She can quote extensively from the Service's records and logs, and seems to be able to provide detailed information on the current situation anywhere in Equestria. Nopony is entirely sure how Blue October is able to obtain and internalize such widespread information so rapidly, but she remains a valued NRS asset despite her mysterious nature. Blue October puts on a stoic demeanor in sharp contrast to her fellow Lieutenants' antics.

Lieutenant Blue October has submitted herself as a potential Entity Which Is Monitored, on the grounds that nopony is able to remember or describe her cutie mark. Everypony is fully aware that she has one, but there does not seem to be a pony alive who could say what it is, even when looking directly at it. This mysterious effect extends to Blue October herself, who is no more able to describe her cutie mark than anypony else. In one of the few instances of October discussing her life before joining the NRS, she has admitted that her cute-ceañera was easily the most awkward social event she has ever attended.

Lieutenant Firecracker Burst

Position: Pyrotechnical Expert

Kind: Unicorn

Coat: Green

Mane: Red and orange stripes

Eyes: Dark blue~~, the copycat~~

Cutie Mark: Red and yellow flame

Description: A citizen of Canterlot and a recent graduate of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Following Blue October's recommendation of incineration as a termination method, Firecracker Burst was pressed into the Nonrational Service by Captain Rock Solid while he was preparing to confront Entity 600 during Incident Faceless. Firecracker Burst proved both the viability of October's theory and her own talent as a pyrotechnician. After Incident Faceless ended, Firecracker Burst had to remain with the NRS, where she bridges the divide between Jetstream's energetic antics and Shining Armor's calm, controlled demeanor. A dignified Canterlot mare on the surface, Firecracker occasionally slips into less refined behavior, and has been known to join Jetstream in her mischief on occasion. She also takes great joy in utilizing her special talent for fire and explosions.

Firecracker Burst is descended from a long line of pyrotechical ponies, and has inherited her ancestors' skill for creating and utilizing practical and recreational combustibles. Firecracker also manages the Service's information security, quickly and enthusiastically destroying non-essential copies of NRS documentation. In addition, Firecracker's curiosity has led her to research a number of non-pyrotechnical spells, even though the narrowly-defined nature of her talents means she only understands most of these spells on a theoretical level. She has expressed respect and envy for Princess Twilight Sparkle, due to her ability to learn and cast virtually any spell without regard for its discipline.

Lieutenant Jetstream

Position: Weather Manipulator

Kind: Pegasus

Coat: Pale pink

Mane: Light brown

Eyes: Pale blue

Cutie Mark: Raining cloud

~~Goggles: Always~~

Description: A member of Ponyville's Weather Patrol before being pressed into service by Captain Rock Solid during Incident Faceless, Jetstream's particular talent for controlling clouds and rain proved essential for clearing the unnatural fog that settled over Ponyville during that Incident. Without her contribution, the Nonrational Service would most likely have never located and contained Entity 600. Following the Incident, Jetstream willingly accepted her conscription, lending her eclectic talents for weather control, air-to-air combat, long-distance flying~~, and inserting silly words and phrases into otherwise ordinary prose~~ to the Service ~~and its army of badgers in hammer pants~~.

Although outwardly flighty, and genuinely fond of good humor (for her own definition of 'good'), Jetstream is a dedicated ~~callipygian~~ NRS officer. While light-hearted at most times, and indeed seeing herself as the joker of the NRS, Jetstream can become deadly serious when the situation requires it. Her innate talents and formidable skill are highly valued by Captain Shining Armor, although her penchant for humor occasionally frustrates him.

Official documents written or modified by Lieutenant Jetstream must be approved by the NRS Officer in Charge before formal archiving. -Captain Shining Armor.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

Alias: Cadance

Position: Eye Candy / Mascot

Kind: Pretty-Pretty Alicorn Princess

Coat: Cerise, because pink isn't schmaltzy enough.

Mane: Flippin' cotton candy-like something-or-other

Eyes: Purple and such

Cutie Mark: Some kinda wing-a-ling rocky heart dealie

Marital Status: Look but don't touch

Description: Not a member of the NRS in any official sense, the laid-back and cheerful Princess Cadance frequently finds her way into the base of the Nonrational Service, especially the office Captain Shining Armor. She enjoys the dubious privilege of being Shining Armor's wife, as well as the less-dubious privilege of being the only pony anywhere in Equestria's government who can get away with calling him "Shiny." Due to her position as Princess of Equestria and the Crystal Empire, not to mention having callipygian properties comparable to Jetstream herself, Cadance occasionally draws the romantic attention of various ponies, though any pony other than Shining Armor making a pass at her will receive nothing more than peals of laughter from the Princess. This is always fun when said pass is made (usually by Jetstream) for comedic effect, but this same laughter has been heartbreaking for the few stallions (and one mare) who actually meant it.

Cadance is the sun-shiny heart of the NRS, with a smile on her face, a song in her heart, and -when threatened- a spell that can cause small-scale earthquakes in her horn. Alicornication hath its privileges, as does being Twilight Sparkle's foalsitter. Nopony worries too much about the potential complications involved in an outsider having such privileged access to NRS officers and grounds. She's just too much fun to have around.

Seriously? Jetstream, I know you wrote this. I don't mind good fun, but this is too much. Cadance is a Princess of Equestria and the Crystal Empire, not to mention my wife, so show some respect. -Captain Shining Armor

My only complaint, Jetstream, is that there is no "comparable" about it. I am clearly the superior callipygian here -Princess Cadance

Lieutenant Cherry Cola

Position: Close-Combat Expert

Kind: Earth Pony

Coat: Tan

Mane: Very dark red

Eyes: Bright green

Cutie Mark: Two cherries joined by their stems

Description: Cherry Cola is a Dodge Junction native, and grew up on his aunt Cherry Jubilee's cherry farm, where he worked hard, learned everything he knows, and discovered his special talent for cultivating cherries. The newest member of the Nonrational Service, Cherry Cola was brought into the NRS during Incident Cherry Bomb, making him the first member recruited by Captain Shining Armor following his promotion, as well as the first pony to be conscripted into the Service after Incident Faceless. Captain Shining Armor regrets having to drag Cola into the NRS, but takes some solace in Cola's assurances that he would have requested permission to join the Service if he hadn't been forced to. Serving the Royal Guard was a lifelong dream of Cherry Cola's, and despite the unconventional circumstances at the start of his career, he is determined to live that dream now that he has a rank and a commission.

Even for a hard-working farm pony, Cherry Cola boasts prodigious strength and endurance, as well as surprising speed. In addition, he is thoughtful and meditative, if somewhat socially awkward, and Shining Armor intends to capitalize on Cola's talents in the coming days. Cola admires Shining Armor and sees him as a role model, but isn't quite sure yet how he will fit into the dynamic that exists between Shining's subordinates. Farm life has taught him, however, that hard work and dedication pay off, and he is sure that he will one day find his place among the officers of the Nonrational Service.

Special Assets

Individuals and groups that technically exist outside of the Nonrational Service, Special Assets are utilized to perform various functions for the Service. Some are active at all times, while others are mobilized when a specific situation requires them. Special Assets are allowed access to limited details of the Service's operations without being conscripted into the Core Officers Group, but the extent of available information varies between Asset, and even between different members of the same group. Some Special Assets are themselves Entities Which are Monitored, as well. Most Special Assets have internal names by which members of the Service can refer to them without outsiders knowing who or what they are.

Princess Twilight Sparkle's Personal Retinue

A.K.A.: Task Force Elemental (former name)

Operational Area: Ponyville, (primary) Equestria at large (as needed)

Membership:

Princess Twilight Sparkle (Element of Magic, leader, Entity 001D)

Fluttershy (~~The best pony,~~ Kindness)

Applejack (Honesty)

Rarity (Generosity)

Rainbow Dash (Loyalty)

Pinkamena Diane "Pinkie" Pie (Laughter, Entity 548)

Description: Gathered together by Twilight Sparkle during Incident Summer Eclipse, Task Force Elemental recovered and utilized the Elements of Harmony to resolve that Incident. After that, they used the Elements to great effect in a number of Incidents, but had to give them up in order to resolve Incident Radiant Tree. Princess Twilight has kept the group together as her personal group of aids and supporters in executing her royal duties. Members of the Retinue have had repeated contact with That Which is Monitored, and have proven themselves capable of addressing a wide variety of situations. Of note is that Princess Twilight's Retinue contains no less than two Monitored Entities. The Princess herself, as an alicorn, is an instance of Entity 001, and Pinkamena Pie is documented as Entity 548.

Entity 002 is not permitted to alter Nonrational Service documentation. -Captain Shining Armor

The Original Archivist

A.K.A.: Entity 513, the Ghost of Clover the Clever

Operational Area: Canterlot (during a period of roughly 40 days centered on Hearth's Warming Eve), the Canterlot Archives (the rest of the year)

Description: Co-founder of Canterlot and the Principality of Equestria, architect of the Canterlot Archives tower, court magician to Princess Platinum (pre-Equestria) and the Canterlot Court (post-Equestria), personal student of Starswirl the Bearded, and several other things besides, Clover the Clever led a singularly prestigious life. While her physical form is long deceased, her spirit still roams the halls of the Canterlot Archives, where she sometimes appears to ponies in need. Or ponies who look interesting. Or anypony at all because that's just the sort of thing ghosts get up to. Clover is formal, modest, and kind, always willing to lend her vast knowledge and unique wisdom to a problem, and is considered by everypony in the NRS to be one of the the most pleasant Monitored Entities. Bringing new NRS Core Officers to meet Clover without telling them they're about to see a ghost is a tradition as old as the Service itself, and Clover finds amusement in frightening neophyte officers. The need to keep Monitored Entities secret is relatively easy to waive in the case of Clover the Clever, as she is considered benign. Ponies who are permitted access to the Archives are automatically permitted to be aware of Clover without conscription, and the Service is known to look the other way when she appears before ponies in Canterlot around Hearth's Warming Eve to deliver valuable life lessons or ancient wisdom. After all, most ponies don't even take seriously the adorable foals who claim to have been taught the true meaning of love and friendship by a kindly ghost in a threadbare cloak.

Special Asset Delta

A.K.A.: Entity 002, Discord

Operational Area: Ponyville, Canterlot~~, wherever I feel like because you can't stop me.~~

Description: The Spirit of Chaos, Manifestation of Disharmony, only known draconequus alive, and all-around ~~cool guy~~

troublemaker,

Discord once ruled Equestria as a laughing god of hilarity tyrant, spreading chaos and misery across the land for many years before being defeated by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, who overcame his raw power using ~~a really cheap shot, I mean~~ come on

The Elements of Harmony.

Discord was turned to stone, but became active again 2,000 ~~Tartarus-forsaken~~ years later, only to be defeated again, as described in Incident Make the Civilians Fix it Broken Statue.

Shortly thereafter, ~~what kind of a word is 'thereafter,' anyway?~~ Discord was released from his stone prison once more, this time intentionally, when Princess Celestia called upon ~~Her Favorite~~ Librarian ~~and Company~~ Task Force Elemental to attempt to reform him. Fluttershy ~~more or less~~ succeeded in this task, convincing Discord to utilize his powers for good. However, Discord remains selfish and unpredictable at heart, making him at best an unreliable ally.

~~Okay, you've got me there.~~

As of Incident Thin Stallion, it has become clear that Discord has the ability to identify entities and objects that have come from alternate realities. Discord is also able to force these entities back into their original realities, and prevent them from returning to ours. This ability has proven extremely valuable.

Discord, you and I both know Fluttershy told you not to write on any official documents. How do you keep getting in here, anyway? -Shining Armor

I didn't write a single letter, I changed the very nature of the paper and ink to suit my desires, which Fluttershy didn't say a thing about doing. And I get in by walking through the door, just like you. Or is it the floor? Perhaps the wall? I walk through something, anyway. -Discord

NRS Record - Entity 600: Slender Mane

Although Slender Mane's current situation would be considered neutralization for most Entities, it is considered only contained for the time being. Currently, Slender Mane exists only as ashes, stored in an arcanickally-sealed jar in a vault at the core of the Nonrational Service's Extreme Hazards Containment Facility. The jar, the spell sealing it, and the vault itself are all to be inspected for damage or abnormalities twice daily. The level of the ashes is to be checked during these inspections, as well. Any abnormality is to be treated as a Stage Five Crisis Situation. Any pony who questions the necessity of these measures is to review the report on Incident Faceless, particularly the fatality count and escape log. Before its immolation, Entity 600 was a being shaped like a very tall, very thin stallion, with a pure-white coat and, despite its name, no mane or tail. Slender Mane wore a three-piece suit, and manifested a variable number of tentacle-like appendages of variable length from its back. Proximity to the being caused blurred vision, as well as physical and mental fatigue. Slender Mane was occasionally witnessed near ponies who later disappeared without explanation, and is believed to be responsible for their disappearances. Slender Mane is unable or unwilling to communicate, and it seems to prefer to stalk his targets without their knowledge. The entity reacts with extreme violence to any pony becoming aware of its presence, although it is unclear how it knows it has been discovered. It seems to be capable of some manner of psychic suggestion, and ponies who have encountered Entity 600 previously usually exhibit unusual, albeit benign, behavior when describing the entity.

Following Incident Thin Stallion, Entity 600 no longer exists in our reality. Entity 002 has permanently removed it from the physical plane, and whether it exists or not is unclear, but 002 assures us it cannot return. Two apparent side effects have occurred in the aftermath of the Incident, both of which are believed to be results of Discord's magic. Firstly, it is impossible for any pony to alter the text of this document, or write a copy with altered text, though adding to the document is possible. Second, nopony is able to refer to Entity 600 by name -they use a nickname or its record number whenever they try.