Celestia sat on the white fluffy clouds that surrounded her. Their pleasant texture tickled her skin, and an ever present glow surrounded her. This was, of course, the Heaven that Christianity promised its devout followers an eternal afterlife to after death.
She was in a special part of Heaven; This was none other than God’s domain. It was filled with clouds, had a desk where God did his paperwork, a laboratory where God fucked around with Earth, and a lava lamp, because everyone likes lava lamps.
God was currently sipping on his favorite drink, lime gatorade. He was scanning over the white alicorn before him with his divine eyes. Some of his grey hair caught aflame momentarily before going out and growing moss in a different area.
“So,” he finally said, breaking the awkward silence. “What do you think of my pad?”
Celestia was snapped back to reality as God’s booming voice resonated in her ears. “Oh! Well...” she glanced at the lava lamp, as if hoping it would offer her something to tell the Creator of All Things. “It’s certainly heavenly.”
“Well, I would hope so,” God chuckled. “This is heaven after all.”
Celestia forced a smile, and levitated up some earl grey tea, her favorite. Taking a quick sip, the two beings of divine origination fell back into their awkward silence.
God coughed, which caused the 2011 Japan Tsunami as a result. “Well, tell me about your world.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“Well, if we’re just going to be sitting here sipper our respect drink, we might as well talk.” God shifted in his chair, creating a supernova in the Andromeda Galaxy. “So, tell me about Equestria.”
“Oh, it’s a wonderful land,” Celestia said with a solar smile. “It’s really got all I need, and I try and do the best to keep it in top condition. My little ponies are really just amazing.”
God rolled his eyes. “Man, I wish my world was more like that. They really fuck up sometimes.”
“Aren’t you the one who decides about what goes on in your universe?”
God glanced around shiftily. “Um... so, are you the whole creator of the Equus Universe, or...”
“Oh no, my mother Tau Sunflare was the creator. I’ve just been ruling in her... absence.” Celestia sighed. “But I like to think I’ve been keeping up well enough.”
“Well, I’ve got a whole planet full of sinners that really get to be a pain in the ass sometimes,” God said with a sigh to match Celestia’s. “I mean, I sometimes have to resort to a bit of punishment to get them going in the right direction.”
Celestia nearly spit out her tea. “Excuse me? Punishment?”
“Well yeah... when they got a bit unscrupulous, I flooded them. But only a little bit.”
Celestia’s jaw fell open in shock. “Flooded them?”
God waved a mighty hand, creating Hurricane Sandy in the process. “Calm your pony crotchtits, Tia. I had some dude named Noah save two of every creature.”
Celestia shook her head slowly, her multi-colored mane fluttering as she did so. “I still believe that to be a little extreme...”
“Nah, it was all cool. They forgave me.”
Celestia bit her lip. “Well, I try to avoid such travesties... we’ve never had huge things like that in Equestria.”
God got up from his desk, and went to the globe, examining it pensively. “Yeah, and there was another time that this bitch ass ship tried to get across the Atlantic Ocean claiming that it was ‘unsinkable’. Well, turns out all i took was a little iceberg! What a pussy.”
“You directly orchestrated the sinking of a ship?”
“Well, it said it was unsinkable! I don’t shy away from a challenge.”
Celestia’s disgust and contempt for God was beginning to grow like a festering anal infection. “That’s horrible.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ve done some pretty fucked stuff too. You can’t be ‘perfect’.”
“Your book claims that you’re perfect!”
God smiled like a giddy school child. “You read my book?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Well, I skimmed it mostly. Actually, I had a servant read it to me, and I may or may not have been paying too much attention at the time, but I got the general feel of it.”
God walked back to his desk and took a hearty swig of lime gatorade. “Come on, don’t tell me you never tested a pony before by telling them to destroy their life and eventually murder one of their sons.”
Celestia gave God a shocked and outraged look. “What? No! What kind of sadist does that?”
“Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time,” God said with a hurt look on his face. “Did you at least let plagues rain upon the non-believers?”
“What?” Celestia was beginning to lose all her even. “Why would I ever do that? I’m fairly certain everypony knows who I am and what I do...”
“Oh, that’ right,” God scoffed. “You’re one of those ‘gods’ who bothers with physical manifestation. I used to do that, and then I got bored of it, so I sent my loser son to go mess with some Jews.”
“That’s seems really irresponsible,” Celestia muttered with a frown. “Also, you have a son?”
“Yeah, it’s kinda a big deal in my religion,” God said with a shrug. “I knocked some bitch up down on Earth, so I bailed.”
“I’d like to have foals one day,” Celestia said almost dreamily. “But I figure running Equestria s slightly more important. And I do see already see all of my subjects as my foster foals anyway.”
“Gay,” God said brutishly. “Speaking of which, what’s your take on Homosexuallity? I send those buggers right into the fryer over here!”
“That’s horrible!” Celestia was trying to keep herself from shoving a rusty spoon up God’s heavenly anus. “I have quite a few homosexuals in Equestria, and they are just fine! Normal, happy ponies.”
“Ultra-gay.” God walked over to his lava lamp, letting himself be lost in the lavish lampness, and other L words.
“But yeah. My son, boy is he a handful. Get’s his bitch-ass into trouble and got nailed to a cross. But, I did forget his birthday for the best 27 years or so, I made up for it by resurrecting him and making anyone who didn’t believe he died for their sins go to hell.”
Celestia stared at God in the most horrified horror she could muster. God sent a look back her way.
“Aw, come off it. It’s a fair trade!”
Celestia rubbed her aching temples with one of her white royal hooves. “This is almost as bad as the time The Burger King came to Equestria.”
Author's Note
This story was meant to mostly piss off CSquared. If you were offended by this, write something offensive about Nirvana and then we're even.
