Dash and Twilight get The Munchies.

by Steventheman

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Other
Length: 6029

A disaster report on why Elements of Harmony should not take intoxicating substances. Warning: May lower IQ to 6, which is a poor IQ for a glass of water...

Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, who are stoned out of their minds on poison joke mixed with some rancid frosting from Sugarcube Corner, decide to find a good place to eat. They must adventure around The Glorious People's United States of Democratic America, trying not to break things, and they must defeat the evils that stand before them, and some goddamn tacos.

This is what happens when I re-purpose old ideas for old fanfics. You can either take it seriously, as a masterpiece of human literature, in which Shakespeare would weep at, before running home to wear MCR shirts and cry about how goffick he is, like a My Immortal character, or not, in which case I hope you get a few laughs from it. Maybe it would even be in your interest to give a upvote or a comment. But deep down, you know stories about intoxicated equines with mythical properties won't change the fact that you live a bleak existence, in which millions of humans starve, and yet there are charities for endangered animals, or that billions of dollars are spent on new weapons to humanely murder other humans. The message is always the same: Be nice to people, but beat out the competition! You won't find a reason for free will after such thoughts. We give you freedom, and you abuse it. Read the fic or not. We're done here.

Whew. Sorry, I went on a Patriot rant there. But yeah, this is most likely not meant to be taken absolutely seriously. And if you do, might I recommend that you stop caring about a random fanfic author that wrote a story about two ponies getting high, and instead focus on your education, or your career?

Published 2013-02-02 10:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-02 04:01:11 UTC

It's like chemistry! But illegal!

"C'mon Twilight! You're into all that chemistry stuff!" the rainbow-maned pegasus protested. "It's just another chemistry lesson!"
"Yes, Rainbow." Twilight Sparkle said. "But what you are asking me to do will get me forty years of dodging rape every time I want a shower. That's not what my parents or the Princess, or me want!"
"Same as every day for me." Rainbow Dash said. "Listen, you won't go to prison for it! It's just chemistry!"
"You sound like everypony with a shed in Nebraska!" Twilight said.
"And are they in jail right now?"
"Okay, fine." Twilight said, surrendering. "I'll mix poison joke and Pinkie's special cake frosting if it would really stop you asking me to be a drug dealer!"
"You're not a drug dealer, you're my friend! Friends make drugs for their friends!"
"Sure, whatever..." Twilight said. She put on a pair of rubber coverings for her front hooves, before walking outside, towards the Everfree forest.

Rainbow Dash looked out the window nervously while Twilight worked on the drug. She bit her lip and turned around. "How long until it's ready?"
"It's almost ready." Twilight said. She opened a bag of frosting, and was hit by a terrible stench. "Fucking hell! When was this made?"
"1989. The Cakes had their wilder years."
"So you want me to put rancid frosting into this!?"
"Yes! It'll make it last longer!"

Twilight put the frosting in with the joke leaves, and mixed the concoction. Finally, it was ready.

Rainbow picked up the beaker with her mouth, and set it down on the floor, before reaching into her saddlebag and taking out a glass vessel. She poured the Frosted Joke into the vessel, before lighting it, and waiting for smoke to start rising. She placed her mouth over it for a while, before staring at Twilight.

"Try it."
"What?"
"Try it, now. This is the best shit I've ever had, and I went to Flight School. Can't get any higher than Flight School."
"Well...if you count the outer atmosph-"
"Twi, just trust me. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Just trust me..."

Twilight and Rainbow leaned against the wall. The air was thick with smoke, and Twilight and Rainbow were giggling quietly to themselves. Soft hip hop played from Twilight's iPod, although it wasn't very loud.

"Hey...Dashie..." Twilight said, turning to Rainbow.
"What?"
"Your mane...it's beautiful. Where can I get one?"
"I don't know! I found it on, like, my head. And I tried to get it off, but then it went to my tail. So I decided to keep it...Hey, Twi?"
"Yeah?"
"How come you're so smart?"
"I don't know! Isn't it weird?"
"What's weird?" Rainbow Dash said, groggily.
"I'm smart, but I don't know why!"
Rainbow Dash laughed. "Yeah! Like, how come I'm so awesome?"
"Because you have that mane! Duh!" Twilight said.
"...Oh yeah."
"Hey, I have a brilliant idea, Dashie!"
"What?"
"Let's get some tacos!" Twilight shouted, jumping to her hooves.
"Hell yeah!" Rainbow replied, looking around. "Where are the tacos?"
"Shit, I don't have any..."
"There's a Taco Bell in Washington D.C." Rainbow said.
"But that's the other side of America."
"Oh yeah...Like that's gonna stop us!"
"Fuck it. Let's go!" Twilight said. She ran over to the door.

Rainbow and Twilight barged open the library door, releasing a cloud of dark smoke, and two very hungry mares.

Ponies looked at the library, which had smoke pouring from all the windows. From Canterlot Imperial Castle, Celestia watched the plume of smoke from the balcony facing Ponyville. She turned to the guard behind her.

"Captain, assemble a scout team to ensure there isn't a dragon there again. If it is, I want it eliminated. I hear that their scales make excellent body armor and I wish to overhaul troop equipment. The world is a dangerous place, what with the Anglo-French Bloc imposing martial law upon the Spanish colonies, and the Neo-Soviets issuing the public statement that the Western world is going home in a fucking ambulance - Their words, not mine."
"Yes, Herr Princess. Anything else?" the guard said. "You wanted me to remind you that the latest Deadliest Warrior is on in thirty minutes...The one with the Lunar Guard versus the British Community Support Officer?"
"Oh, lovely!" Celestia said, clapping her hooves in delight. "Please place a request down to the Royal Kitchen for a bowl of plain Doritos, salsa dip and five large bottles of Mountain Dew. It is to be delivered to my television. If they screw the order up, decimate the staff. Two staff for every five staff."
"Yes, Herr Princess."

Dash and Twilight walked through the streets of the Human-Equestrian Cohabitation Area. Dash looked into a window, at a human woman and a stallion cuddled up on the sofa, watching the news. Dash couldn't hear anything, but the picture showed a man being tortured, followed by the words This is what goes through a child's mind every time you think of rebelling against the State. Think patriotic. Love the State.

Dash turned to Twilight, who was moving her head backwards and forwards, looking at her reflection in a window, to the bemusement of the pony inside. Eventually, Twilight stuck her tongue out at the pony, and walked on. A loudspeaker over their heads crackled into life.

"Citizen reminder: Inaction is conspiracy. Report counter-behavior to your local protection unit immediately. "
"Pfft." Twilight said. "What a load of shit."

Author's Note

Oh god why.

Metal Wolf REX Chaos Gear.

The two mares continued down the street. Eventually, they reached a bus stop. It was vandalised, with graffiti seeming to illustrate a war between a pony racist and a human racist before reaching a compromise that hybrids were scum. Dash grunted. "I don't see their problem."
"What do you mean?" Twilight replied.
"I mean, why can't every motherfucker just chill, hold hands and just enjoy shit rather than be douchefaces about everything?"
"That's an awesome question." Twilight said. She raised her hoof to her mouth. "Why can't all you guys just chill the fuck out?!"

A human popped his head out of a window. "Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to watch a movie! God damn!"
Dash turned to the human. "Didn't you hear the violet genius here? Chill!"
"Yeah!" Twilight added.
"Get the fuck off my street." the human said, before retreating back into his home.
"What was his problem?"
"Wife probably left him and we interrupted his fap?"
"Haha, what a story..."

"Mr. President!" the general called. "Mr. President, we have a crisis!"
"General Ripper?" the President said. "What is it?"
"Do you remember Michael Wilson?"
"The former president? Yes, vaguely."
"Mr. President." General Ripper paused. "Michael Wilson has secured a Japanese-made Advanced Combat Mech, called the Metal Wolf, and has just invaded Los Angeles Penal Colony."
The President dropped his briefcase. "Good God." he said, rubbing his forehead. "What are the California Freedom Police doing?"
"They engaged the mech, but it's not looking good. We also have a secondary crisis. Shadow Moses Island has been captured by the Next Generation Special Forces. FOXHOUND has defected and they have the DARPA chief and the President of ArmsTech hostage...There is more distressing news. The key to defeating Michael Wilson is on that island."
"You mean..?"
"Metal Gear REX, yes, sir." General Ripper sighed. "They have a nuclear weapon, and they are threatening to use it against you. The Secretary of State is recommending we nuke Shadow Moses and get on with our lives."
"But we need REX to defeat the Metal Wolf!"
"Sir, I know a man who can get REX back..." General Ripper reached into his coat and produced a document. "He's known as Solid Snake. Ex-FOXHOUND. He's saved this country more times than my wife's agreed to anal, sir."

The President looked over the document, and looked at the general. "Get him there."

"911, what's your emergency?" the operator said, holding her coffee.
"Yeah, there's a pair of pony stoners outside my house pissing on my car, ranting about the color pink." a clearly angry voice said.
"Sir, have you tried chasing them off?"
"No damn way! They're stoners! They'll eat me!"
The operator sighed. "Fine sir, we have traced your location and Civil Protection forces are inbound. Please try and keep the suspects in place."

"Officers closing on suspect." a Civil Protection officer spoke into his mouthpiece. "This'll be a quick one."

The other officers in the APC warmed up their stunsticks, and checked their USP Matches. The APC halted, and the doors opened.

"All units, code 1999, Inquire, Operate, Desist."

The officers surrounded Dash and Twilight. They looked around at the masked men.

"Individuals. You are convicted of socio-endangerment Level 3. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand?"

The ponies were silent, staring at the arresting officers.

"Do you understand?!"
"No!" Twilight shouted. "Fuck off! I ain't done shit!"
"Abusive language to officer. Street warning issued."

Twilight's horn lit up and blasted the officer through the head. His suit whined before calling for additional officers.

"We are so fucked." Dash said, before kicking an officer in the groin.

Author's Note

Oh Jesus, I had to involve mechs and Half Life 2...

In which rock happens...

"Individuals. You are now charged with multiple anti-civil violations. Anticitizen status approved. Implicit citizenship revoked. Status: Malignant." the Civil Protection officers said. Twilight blasted a few times from behind a car, shooting the officer in the leg. "Officer down! Come to my 10-20!"

Dash kicked the car. It sailed through the air and smashed into the CP APC, killing a few more officers. Finally, there was one officer left, he looked at the ponies, before shrugging and running away.

"Shit, what do we do?" Dash said.
"There was a song that the Princess wouldn't let me listen to when I was younger. I know the words though..." Twilight said.
"What?"
"Do the impossible, see the invisible. Row row, fight da power?"
"...She's done it again. Stop being so smart!" Dash said, kicking a wounded Civil Protection officer in the head, decapitating him.
"Never!"

A CCTV camera focused on the scene. On the other side, a man in a brown suit slammed his fist on a metal desk, before picking up an electric guitar and walking out of the room...

"Men!" the man said to a crowd of Civil Protection officers, holding MP7 submachine guns. "I have new orders!"

He readied his guitar. Two officers behind him formed a band. One on drums and one with a bass guitar. A camera lowered down to him, and began projecting to every television in the city.

"This is Administrator Breen! I have an important message to our most recent anticitizens..." He took a pick made out of gold and platinum, and began playing a tune. The officers recognised the song. A microphone rose from the floor to Breen's mouth. "Alright!"

We are scanning the scene
in the city tonight
We are looking for you
to start up a fight
There is an evil feeling
in our brains
But it is nothing new
you know it drives us insane

A few Civil Protection officers began nodding their heads to the beat. They activated the speakers in their masks and sang along with Breen.

Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will pay
Dying,
One thousand deaths
Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will pay
Dying,
One thousand deaths
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy

The officers were fully rocking out now. Breen made a middle finger gesture to the camera, before continuing.

There is no escape
and that is for sure
This is the end we won't take any more
Say goodbye
to the world you live in
You have always been taking
but now you're giving

The officers and Breen repeated the chorus. In the city, a few citizens were starting to like the song. Twilight and Dash looked at the screen.

"Is this how human politicians operate?" Twilight asked.
"Fuck if I know, but it's awesome!" Dash replied.

The Civil Protection officers held up emergency flares as Breen entered the guitar solo. As Breen played, the Citadel began releasing thousands of flying scanners. More officers, armed with SMGs and surgical strike units ran out the door. Dash began headbanging and Twilight shot another officer wielding a pistol with her magic.

Our brains are on fire
with the feeling to kill
And it won't go away
until our dreams are fulfilled
There is only one thing
on our minds
Don't try running away
`cause you're the ones we will find!

A Hunter-Killer helicopter warmed up its engines. The pilot gave a thumbs up to the ground crew, before lifting into the air and turning on it's searchlight to look for the anticitizens.

Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will pay
Dying,
One thousand deaths
Running,
On our way
Hiding,
You will pay
Dying,
One thousand deaths
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy
Searching,
Seek and Destroy

Breen played the guitar louder than ever. An officer turned the amps up to eleven. Finally, the song ended. The officers cheered, before running off to apprehend the anticitizen ponies.

"Locate, Isolate, Stabilize." the squad leader commanded.

"I am so fucking awesome." Breen said, before high-fiving the drummer and bass guitarist. All over the city, Civil Protection and even citizens cheered. Of course, it was so that they wouldn't be beaten for not liking the song.

Author's Note

This is the best thing I have ever written ever. Path of The Righteous Pony, eat your heart out.

Have I not made it clear by now that I fucking love this hobby?

Send in the Strider(s)

"FREEDOM! DEMOCRACY! AMERICA!" the giant mech boomed as it kicked a police car into the next state. Thousands of Californian Freedom Police fired their pistols helplessly as the Metal Wolf fired hundreds of missiles towards a squadron of helicopter gunships. They all blew up and crashed to the earth behind the Metal Wolf.

"Retreat! This fucker's mental!" shouted an officer. The CFP stopped firing and ran off.
"I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!" the Metal Wolf shouted. "I AM DEMOCRACY. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"

A building collapsed in front of the Metal Wolf. Three Striders focused on the Metal Wolf. On top of the lead Strider, a man stood with a katana. He was wearing a baseball cap, and pointy sunglasses. He wore a T-shirt and jeans. He pointed at the Metal Wolf, before giving a thumbs down.

The Metal Wolf began firing at the Striders. The left Strider fell down, all three legs removed. The two other survivors fired at the Wolf. The man waited, then jumped at the side of a building. He ran across the wall.

"IMPOSSIBLE...UNLESS...NO..."

The man didn't answer. Instead, he swiped at the Wolf. The blade cut through the advanced armor easily.

The man landed behind the walking tank. The Metal Wolf turned around.

"...BRO STRIDER."
"That's my name."
"BUT HOW?!"
"Because fuck if I know."
"BUT I SAW YOU DIE!"
"Well, maybe I made Death my bitch. I like, completely dominated his ass. It was like a fucking Blitzkrieg and he was Poland and I was Germany. Shit was intense."
"SO...ON THE HIGHWAYS OF LOS ANGELES, WE MEET AGAIN. WE WERE ONCE FRIENDS. HOW DID THEY GET TO YOU?!"
"They didn't. This is practice. I'm kinda rusty on this shit."

Twilight and Dash looked at the highway sign. It stated that the next city, City 27, was over 360 miles away.

"Oh man, I'm actually coming down right now." Twilight said. "Did you bring any more of it?"
"No, I thought this'd be enough." Dash said. "Fuck."
"Not now, we're in public."
"So, you reckon the Civil Protection will be after us in City 27?"
"Oh, most definitely." Twilight said. "But I just saw in a news paper that there's a big robot duel in LA, so the Overwatch won't be here for a while, because holy shit, that robot's kicking ass."
"I hope the US Overwatch prepared their anuses."
"I don't think they could've prepared them enough."
"What about that song we heard? The really fucking awesome one?"
"Oh yeah. I doubt that they meant it. They were trying to scare us."

The two mares stopped when they heard a car radio on from a crashed car. They listened to it intently.

"Reports are coming in that a lone man has joined the Strider force in LA, currently engaging the terrorist, Metal Wolf. The man is described as: "A fucking badass" and reports claim that he is none other than Bro Strider, believed dead after the Skaia Incident, 10 years ago."

"Wow, Bro Strider!" Dash said. "When I was filly, I kinda used to like him."
"Umm...What?" Twilight said. "You liked a human?"
"He was only the badass man who ever lived! Funny thing is, I didn't cry a bit when the reports of his death came through."
"Really?"
"Nope!" Dash replied. "Not one bit!"

"Bro Strider is the brother of hero Dave Strider, who was able to manipulate time. He, and the other heroes of the Incident, disappeared shortly after, leaving police stumped to there whereabouts. The only note left said that they will return when the world is under attack from a hostile force."

Dash and Twilight looked at each other, then back at the car. "Did they mean what's happening in Los Angeles?"
"I don't think so." Dash said. "They were more loyal to themselves than to the US. They took the medals, sure, but then they disappeared, and their medals were left behind."
The radio continued. "The President is urging civilians to not allow LA prisoners to escape the war zone, and for prisoners to await rescue from the LACP, and the Californian Freedom Police. In other news, a man in City 56 found the face of Jesus on a chip..."

"Meh, religion." Dash said, beginning to walk away. "But it's Bro Strider! He's back! In human form!"
"Yeah, but he's currently waging a one man war on a robot. He might not survive!" Twilight said, starting to follow.
"Yeah yeah, it would take more than a robot to kill him!" Dash said excitedly. "It would take a nuke...or a god."
"Yeah..." Twilight said. "I'm quite bored right now."
"Yeah..." Dash said. She began humming a tune. It sounded like a tune that one would use to destroy a mad god who had created a World of Ruin.

The sky cracked with thunder. A bright column of light shined in front of the mares, before revealing a man dressed as a clown.

"Kefka!?" Twilight cried.

Why Los Angeles can't have nice things.

"But how?! I thought Optimus Prime banished you to Hel after you split Africa into ten pieces!" Dash said. She prepared herself to fight Kefka.
"No no, my little ponies. Optimus merely continued the fight down there. He, Kurt Cobain and the insufferable Doomguy. But in a way, I like Doomguy. We're so alike! We both want to kill things!"
"So what? If you're here to try that shit again, then I'll beat you myself!" Dash said. "The world doesn't need people like you!"

Kefka cackled. "You don't understand. Even when I am this...weak form, I can still play!" Kefka said. "You are merely two ponies, from a little land called Equestria, off the American West Coast."
"And if you even think about going there, I'll take you on!" Twilight said.
"Why should I? I wasn't even thinking about it until you said so!"
"Shit."
"Yes, shit indeed. But you know what? I hear that Bro Strider is in Los Angeles. I'm not one for petty revenge games, you know, but he's been such a pain in my backside! Him and his stupid brother!"
"What?!" Dash cried.
"Oh yes, that's where your little Skaian heroes went. Straight to Hel. To fight me." Kefka giggled. "Are you really that scared of little old me? That you send heroes to Hel to fight me? How flattering!" Kefka looked up. "Anyway, I must be off to LA now. Celebrities can't kill themselves! Well, Kurt Cobain is the exception."

Kefka disappeared in a flash. Dash and Twilight looked at each other in shock.

"Can we just conclude that Los Angeles is fucked and get on with our lives?" Twilight asked.

"Fuckbuckling piece of shit!" the Changeling Queen cried as she threw a DVD of The Legend Of The Titanic out of the window. "Fucking sharks and fucking octopus and fucking mice and fucking why?! A fucking whaling message?! Well, stick a fucking baguette up my ass and call me a rifle-dropping coward!"

The Queen picked her DVD player and dropped it in a basin of water. "Great. Now what the hell am I going to do?"

Chrysalis picked up a newspaper. The headline stated RETURN OF BRO STRIDER! Intrigued, Chrysalis read on, oblivious to the fire now started because of the soaking DVD player.

The mysterious Bro Strider, believed dead after the Skaia Incident, has seemingly returned to combat Metal Wolf, currently messing up Los Angeles like a drunk father messes up his kids.

Chrysalis thought about the odd comparison, before reading on.

Reader Broderick S. said on the matter: "Yo, Queen Chrysalis. You fucking owe me. Come to LA and help."

Chrysalis turned around and saw the fire, now engulfing her lounge. She calmly left the hive, before the fire hit the liquid love tanks. As the hive exploded, Chrysalis changed into the form of a normal pegasus mare, before flying upwards.

Bro Strider deflected a few of the Metal Wolf's rockets. They exploded harmlessly behind him.

"YOU'RE TOUGHER THAN I THOUGHT."
"Bitch please. This is Bro fucking Strider you're talking to. Strider is Dutch for tough."
"REALLY?"
"Yeah. Strider, or: 'To stride through things like a boss.'"
"THAT'S NOT TRUE."
"What I say is the fucking truth. Everyone on the side of awesome listens to me."

There was a flash of light. Kefka Palazzo appeared in front of Bro and Metal Wolf.

"Well...shit." Bro said, before raising his sword.

Dash looked over and saw an abandoned taco truck. "Twi! Twi! Look!" she shouted excitedly, flying over.
"What?" Twilight asked.
"Tacos!"

The two mares looked inside, only to see a rotting hobo inside the kitchen.

"Oh well. Maybe next truck..." Dash said, sadly.

Author's Note

To the City of Los Angeles, I apologise.

Team Queen Metal Strider

Queen Chrysalis flew over the wartorn streets of Los Angeles. All the LACP and the CFP retreated after the arrival of Strider. She still can't believe how she came to owing him a favor. As she attempted to recall the events that led to the blood oath, she saw Bro Strider, Metal Wolf and a strange clown man engaged in mortal combat. She focused, and brought on her Cadance disguise. She landed behind Bro Strider.

"Hey, asshole!"

Bro Strider didn't turn around, being far too busy cutting up bullets before they exited the Metal Wolf's guns. "Chrissy! Do me a favor and deal with the clown asshole! I hate clown assholes. All filled with confetti and tears."
"And your dick!" Chrysalis mocked.
Bro smirked for a split second. "Good to have you back, Chrissy."
"Same here, fucknuts!"
Kefka noticed the pink alicorn, and he drew his sword. Chrysalis dropped the disguise and blasted him twice with a Consumption Bolt. "Huh!?" she gasped. He had no love. His heart was only filled with malice and hatred. "Well, if I can't feed off you, then I guess I have to kill you."
Bro Strider pushed the Metal Wolf off himself. "That was the plan, Chrysalis! I didn't bring you here for a dinner date!"
"If your idea of a date is fighting giant robots and evil clowns, then you can take me right here and now!" Chrysalis shouted, kicking the psychotic clown in the chest.
"Not now. I have a headache." Bro said, missing a slice with his katana and cutting the air in half.
"YOU FOOL, STRIDER. YOU DON'T REALISE THE TRUE THREAT!" Metal Wolf shouted. He stopped fighting.
"Yeah. Clown Asshole." Bro said.
"My name is Kefka Palazzo! Remember it, Strider, for I am the one to kill you!" Kefka said, batting the Queen away.
"Why? I'm too awesome to kill."
"You have been fighting me in Hel since the Skaia Incident!"
"Oh yeah. You're that clown asshole." Bro shrugged
"What!? That is insulting! How do you not remember me?!"
"I've seen a lot of assholes."
"GO FIGURE."
"Shut up, Prez." Bro said.
"LISTEN." Michael Wilson said, opening the faceplate of the Metal Wolf. "We need to work together to bring back our America. What better team than Bro Strider, and the other two?"
"Hey, dickhead! I have a name! I'm a Queen!"
"Okay, we need to go to the White House. And the reason is...Because I'm the President of The United States of America!"
"Well, technically it's now the Glorious People's United States of Democratic America." Bro corrected. "Since the Combine took over, anyway."

Metal Wolf, Bro and Chrysalis turned towards Kefka. "You coming, or are you gonna pout because I can't remember that good since being dead?" Bro said.
"No...You know what, I'm going back to Hel. I think my absence might mean that Optimus and your foolish brother have dropped their guard."
"I feel bad for you son. You got ninety-nine problems, and if you touch my bro, I'm all of them."
"Oh blah blah blah. So boring!" Kefka said, before a flash of light took him away.
"What a bitch." Queen Chrysalis said. Bro and Wolf nodded.

"Dash?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah?"
"You ever like, found yourself wondering what the entire point of your existence is?" Twilight said.
"Not really." Dash replied. "I knew my whole thing was going fast and being awesome."
"Well, walking along this seemingly infinite highway has made we think about why we're here."

Dash opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a pickup truck stopping by them. The window rolled down, revealing a blonde woman with her hair in a ponytail. "Hey, where are you two off to?" the driver said, in a Southern accent.
"Washington, D.C. We need to go to Taco Bell."
"Hop in the back."

Dash and Twilight hopped into the back of the truck. "Hey Dash?"
"Yeah?" Dash replied.
"Didn't that driver seem kinda familiar?"
"Not really. If you're thinking about Applejack then the difference is that AJ is a pony, and the woman is a human." Dash said.
"Yeah, it's most likely a coincidence..."
"Dash?" Twilight asked again.
"Hmm?"
"I'm fucking freezing to death here. Huddle up."

Dash and Twilight shifted closer together. "You know, if anypony saw us like this, won't they get the wrong idea?" Dash asked.
"Meh."

The President looked at the TV screen. Bro Strider? Betraying America?

And what the hell was that black pony-thing with them?

"This is it." the President said. He lifted up a phone. "All Overwatch forces, deploy to Washington."
"Can you tell us which Washington, sir?"
"D.C. you morons! Bro Strider and the Metal Wolf are coming!"
"...Affirmative."

The President hung up, then dialled a different number. "Department of Defense?"
"Mr. President, sir?"
"Defense Emergency."
"Yes, sir. Raising alert status."

The President looked at the screens. Where the hell are Solid Snake and REX?

Author's Note

I'm not gonna pretend that I even had a plot written out first. This is just literary shite.

Yo, if you can, tell your friends about this. Let them suffer too!

Endgame

"Well, there ya go!" the kindly Southern woman said to Dash and Twilight as they jumped off the pickup truck. "I'll see you around!"
"What a nice lady!" Dash said.

The two mares looked around. In the sky above DC, they saw a pegasus mare, apparently being chased by a robot. A man was riding the robot.

"Woah. When did DC get this weird?"
"I don't know. But the Taco Bell is so close! Let's go!"

The two mares began running down a street.

"The White House!" Chrysalis shouted. "Let's kick some presidential ass!"
"SECONDED!" Metal Wolf replied.
"They ain't gonna know what hit them. It's gonna be like a goddamn tornado of fuck you." Bro Strider said, readying his sword.

Team Queen Metal Strider landed on the lawn. In front of them was the President. He smirked. "So you're finally here."
"IT'S TIME TO RESTORE AMERICAN IDEALS AND AMERICAN FREEDOM."
The President laughed. "You fool! Even if you kill me, you can never kill the Patriots."
Metal Wolf gasped. "THE PATRIOTS!?"
"Yo, this is some fucked-up conspiracy bullshit." Chrysalis said. Bro nodded in agreement.
"You are too late." the President said. "I have REX!"

The ground in front of the President shifted, revealing the massive shape of Metal Gear REX. The President jumped into it, and REX woke up.

"THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END!"
"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!"
"TRUSTING IN THE SANITY AND RESTRAINT OF THE AMERICAN PUBLIC IS NOT AN OPTION." REX said. "GO HOME AND DIE!"

REX started glowing. A blue stream of data appeared above it's head. Eventually, it stopped. "MY FRIENDS. ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE TO THE ALL NEW SKYNET GEAR REX!"
"You fool!" Bro cried. "You'll create a World of Ruin! You'll do what the Skaia Incident would've failed to do! You will create a Second Sun!"
"AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, AND THE PATRIOTS ENDURE, THEN AMERICA WILL HAVE WON!"
"HOW COULD YOU?! YOU'RE NO PRESIDENT! YOU'RE JUST A MADMAN!" Metal Wolf shouted. Weapons of all different sizes erupted from it's back. "I WILL STOP YOU."

Skynet Gear REX laughed. Two Liberty Prime mechs emerged from the ground behind it.

"INITIATING DIRECTIVE 7395 - DESTROY ALL COMMUNISTS." both said in unison. They looked at Queen Chrysalis.
"This is fucked. This is so fucked." Chrysalis shouted. "I'm not a Communist! My society is consisted of a hive of workers and a Queen! That's not my political standpoint, that's my fucking biology!"
"DEMOCRACY IS TRUTH. COMMUNISM IS DEATH."
"You're not even listening to me, are you?"

Dash and Twilight looked at the White House. "How'd we end up here?!" Twilight asked. "Isn't the Taco Bell like, the other side of the White House?"
"I don't know." Dash replied. She heard an explosion. "What was that?!"

Dash looked at the White House, only to see a human with a sword attack a giant robot, while two other giant robots were firing blue lasers into the air at a black pegasus-shaped pony.

"Oh shit." Dash said. She took off towards the endangered pegasus.

Queen Chrysalis looked to her left, only to see a cyan shape dive into her and grab her. She turned around only to see her old enemy. None other the Element of Loyalty, Flight Lieutenant Rainbow Dash.

"You!" Chrysalis spat. "What are you doing?"
"Chrysalis!?" Dash shouted. She let the changeling go. "What are you doing!?"
"I asked first, pussymunch!"
"Hey, what I did in Flight School is between me and Gilda!" Dash said, looking at the two Liberty Prime mechs.
"Yeah, whatever. Why did you just save me?"
"I mistook you for a mare that isn't a bastard." Dash said. "Easy mistake to make."
"Listen. What past is past. We got bigger problems!" the Queen said, pointing at the President.
"No kidding." Dash replied. "This isn't over, bitch."

Bro Strider jumped up onto the Skynet Gear REX. Dash looked down at him. "Holy shit! Bro!"
Bro Strider looked up. "We could always use more hands...or hooves. Whatever."

Dash flew upwards. She pointed herself towards one of the Liberty Primes. She closed her eyes, and began a Rainboom descent. Dash felt her hoof begin to burn. She closed her eyes and prepared for the impact. She felt something tear. Then something else.

Dash opened her eyes, to see the mech tear apart in a glorious rainbow.

Bro lowered his sword. "Holy shit that's cool."
Twilight stopped short of the battle. "That is so fucking awesome!"

Even Queen Chrysalis was amazed.

Dash landed into the ground, exhausted. The President turned around. "A PEGASUS?! ARE THE EQUESTRIANS GETTING INVOLVED?!" he snorted. "I NEVER LIKED YOUR CIVILIZATION. ONCE I DEFEAT YOU TRAITORS, EQUESTRIA IS MY NEWEST STATE."

Dash turned around. She looked at the President.

"No one. Threatens. My. Country." she snarled. She took off towards Skynet Gear REX. She readied her hind legs into a kick. She smacked the mech on the face, and bounced off.

Metal Wolf readied his weapons and began firing missiles at the second Liberty Prime. Within moments, the robot was scrap.

"IT IS TOO LATE!" Skynet Gear REX shouted. "THE WORLD IS MINE. I AM IMMORTAL!"

There was a jet engine whine. Multiple explosions ripped the Skynet Gear REX apart. Bro Strider jumped from the explosion as the jet flew by. It was an RAF Tornado.

The Prime Minister tuned the microphone and video camera. He beamed himself to the US Government, minus the President.

"Main screen turn on." said a technical expert.
"It's you. What is the matter, Prime Minister? The President is currently dealing with a defense emergency."
"How are you, gentlemen?" the Prime Minister smirked.

The US bunker shook. The generals and politicians looked up in confusion.

"All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."
"What you say?!" General Ripper shouted.
"You have no chance to survive. Make your time." the Prime Minister laughed.

The transmission ended. The Government looked at each other.

"General!" one of the politicians said worriedly.
"...Take off every F-15." Ripper commanded. He brought up a command screen. "You know what you doing." the General clicked some icons. "Move F-15."

The screen showed a squadron of F-15 Strike Eagles taking off.

"For Great Justice!"

Dash trotted up to Bro Strider, a grin on her face. "H-h-hello." she stuttered. She had no idea why. "I'm Rainbow Dash."
"Hey." Bro said.
"So...you were working with Holey Moley over there?" Dash said, pointing at Chrysalis.
"Yeah. Me and Chrissy go way back."
"She invaded Canterlot once."
"Really? Shit, I need to go on Wikipedia sometime."
"Yeah. I defeated her. Well, I didn't...It was my friend's brother and his wife."

Metal Wolf looked in the sky. "MY FIGHT CONTINUES. IT APPEARS THE BRITISH HAVE USED THE OPPOTUNITY TO ATTEMPT TO RETAKE AMERICA." Metal Wolf clenched his fist. "I MUST GO NOW. MY COUNTRY NEEDS ME!" Metal Wolf took off into the sky, grabbing a Tornado and riding it into the distance.

Queen Chrysalis looked at Twilight. The unicorn looked at her with a expression of major annoyance.
"Look, I was kinda invading your country at the time. No hard feelings?" Chrysalis said.
"I think watching you get blasted the fuck off kinda constituted my forgiveness." Twilight said, still wary. "I'm still not forgiving you for hurting Princess Celestia though."
"Fair enough. I'm not forgiving your parents for spawning you and your brother."
"Glad to see we could reach an understanding. Fuck you, Queen Chrysalis." Twilight said, shaking Chrysalis' hoof.
"Fuck you, Twilight Sparkle." the Queen said, shaking Twilight's hoof.

Bro, Chrysalis, Dash and Twilight formed a circle.

"Team Sparkle Rainbow Strider Queen! Let's fucking rock and fucking roll!" all said in unison, before running at the invading British.

Dash and Twilight looked at the Taco Bell. Their eyes were wide with amazement. Dash put her hoof forward to push the door open.

There was a jet engine whine, then a whistling sound. There was a large explosion, leaving Dash and Twilight standing at the doors of a destroyed Taco Bell.

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" both shouted at once.

Author's Note

Annnd that's the end of that mindfuck.

Next project will come soon.