Once upon a time I made modest living as a decent pony. I kept my head down, didn’t scuff any hooves, and did my best to fit in. It was hard with a blank-flank; mares are just big fillies with developed egos. Stallions even worse with all their gamecock. But it wasn’t my blank-flank that closed doors for me.
This is the story of what slammed them.
There isn’t a good place to start. Again, being a blank-flank made you want to fit in even more, so I made sure to find an honest mare as soon as I could. While I worked my way through nursing school we got married. She was a short, purple unicorn with a long maroon mane, eyes to match with a teapot cutie-mark. It wasn’t hard to fake the relationship, or a kiss. She believed in saving herself too, so I didn’t stress other obligations of a relationship until we married. That first night I spent thinking about a colt I met in a café that morning.
He was a lanky, ruddy orange unicorn. His mane came in short auburn curls with a cutie-mark of rosary. He made necklaces and bracelets, plain and simple. Said he converted a shack stuffed between a deli and apartment complex into a shop. Are conversation flowed like water trickling down a gutter. When it did dry up, we agreed to meet again.
His name was Nassarius, and he went by Naz. So the night I consummated my vows I began an emotional tryst.
Which is how I lied in this bed now. Spooning my tryst and listening to his breathing.
“Will we see each other tonight?”
“You know how difficult my schedule is.”
“I had to close down the shop in the middle of the day to get over here.”
His tail flicked underneath the covers. We both faced an open window that showed the scenic view of a building’s gritty flank. The walls, like the rest of the apartment, were a soiled brown color. The hardwood creaked, and most of the room remained bear except for a tilting wardrobe in the corner.
I said, “Sorry, I know you have all that stuff. But you know how it is to work around Stella. I can only drop so many lies. It’s been hard enough the past four days. She insists on us making some foals, says her clock is going to go unwound if it doesn’t happen soon.”
“Right. Stella.”
I nipped his ear and whispered, “Come on Naz, we’ve talked about this.”
I listened to him suck air through his nostrils. He sighed. “I suppose we have.”
“You want me to walk you back to the store?”
Naz crawled out of bed and I sat up. Tucked next to the door was a satchel, a brush with handle made of curved fish bone slipped out of it and floated over to me. “Your mane’s a mess,” he said.
I crossed my hooves and pouted while he untangled knots. My eyes teared when he ripped out a nasty matt. I asked, “Why don’t you want me to walk you back?”
“You took the day off sick. What if one of her friend’s sees you out with me? She already think’s we spend too much time together as is.”
“No she doesn’t,” I said.
“Really Delph? Lie to her if you want, lie to yourself, but please don’t lie to me,” Naz said. He removed the offending brush and focused on his mane.
“Fine, maybe she might think that,” I said.
Naz stopped with the brush, a lock of his auburn hair held up. He asked, “What happens when she confronts you about it?”
I slipped out of bed and began stripping the sheets off. I’d take them down to the cleaners across the street. Me and the pony there had a little trust going, forged in the solid gold of honest bits. I came in saying the smell, the stains, and even the foreign hairs were caused by a recurring stomach virus I suffered. I even went as far to create forged documentation, with the unknowing aid of the doctor’s signature from my clinic to make my lie official.
Naz went back to brushing his hair.
“Well?”
I didn’t have an answer. I spent plenty of nights awake, wondering what would happen if she did. Plenty of time to think and play the scene over and over in my head, maybe a different setting, but always the same words. “Did you ever love me?”
Once.
I said, “I’d tell her the truth.”
“And then what?”
“I…”
“You’re still lying.”
I flared my nostrils. He turned away and pushed window down into place. He said, “It stinks out there.”
The scent of both our musk lingered in the air. I said, “It needs to air out.”
“So Stella doesn’t find out? You could just say you masturbated.”
He didn’t meet my glare. He stared at the window and laid the brush on the sill. “I’ll leave this here with you.”
“You can’t, it’s your favorite.”
“Don’t think twice of it.” He finally faced me. “I’m sorry I brought this stuff up again. It’s just… I do love you, Delph. And I want you to be happy.”
We met in the middle of the room and nuzzled each other. He said, “See you later?”
“Soon as I can,” I told him.
Stella came in while I replaced the sheets. We had a lot of spare sets. I heard the front door close and Stella say, “Dear?”
I dropped the fabric from my mouth and said, “In here!” I picked it up and pulled it over the bed.
The door opened behind me. “Oh goodness, sick again?”
“Unfortunately,” I said. “I’m mostly over it now. Sorry about the smell. I tried to open the window.”
Stella trotted beside me and nuzzled my neck. She said, “Oh, it’s okay.” She went to the other side of the bed and pulled the opposite corner taught for me. She said, “There. Do you need to lie down?”
I shook my head. “I should be fine.”
Stella went to the window and noticed the brush. She picked out the hairs tangled there and asked, “Naz was here?”
“He heard about how I was sick and brought over lunch. We ate, but when he left I had an empty stomach.”
“Well it was nice of him to bring something by,” Stella said. She studied the alley below our window and then faced me. “I’ve been talking with a few doctors recently, about your condition.”
My mouth went dry. “Umm… what’d they have to say?”
“It was perplexing,” she said, “I told them you tried every sort of medication out there, but nothing seemed to work. Most of them chalked it up to stress and pollution.”
I nodded. My stomach churned and bile rose in my throat. Stella said, “They suggested a vacation. But you know, I’ve been thinking that it may not be enough. Seems every other week you’re getting sick, and it really does concern me.”
I crossed the room to her and said, “I appreciate it, Stella. Really, I’m always so amazed to have found you—”
“Oh, take it easy now.” Stella smiled. She pecked my cheek and said, “I’m just doing what any good partner would do.” Oh I needed to get out of there. I really was starting to feel nauseous. At some point Stella snuck her mouth around to my ear and left a heady breath there. “You know, if you are feeling better we could—”
“Window!”
I raced around her to the window and stuck my head out. I did hurl a little, a part of it a desperate need to force myself, the rest real nausea. My wife didn’t make me sick, it was what she said that did.
A hoof rubbed my back. “Oh dear, are you going to be okay?”
I nodded and continued to gag on my tongue. I accidentally nudged the brush off the sill. It fell the two stories and broke across the cobblestones below. It brought a new wave of anxiety. It was Naz’s favorite brush, he collected them. Had dozens. And I just broke the one he cared about most.
“Shoot,” Stella said, “Naz has more brushes, though, doesn’t he?”
I shook my head. “No, that’s his favorite.” I pulled away from the window and headed for the door. “I need to get it. He let me borrow it and I broke it.”
Stella followed me, “Calm down, it’s just a brush.”
I opened the door and spun on her, “But he trusted—”
Stella pressed a hoof to my lips. She said, “I can use my magic and mend it. This stuff happens all the time at the shop. Are you going to be, okay?”
Nose to tail I trembled. I couldn’t stop, a couple months ago me and Naz had a vicious fight about our relationship. We didn’t see each other for weeks. It scared me. I couldn’t bear to make him that mad again, and I’d have to tell him exactly how it happened and he would blame it on me not being honest and our whole fight would start over. I couldn’t let that happen.
I said, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
Our apartment consisted of one bed, one bath, kitchen, and tiny den. We sat on a torn, green sofa that took up most of the space in there. A lantern burned on a table beside us and provided light by which we read. Or pretended to read. I didn’t care about the paper, but Stella liked sharing these little moments, so I tried my best.
I glanced at Naz’s brush, resting beside the table. I lost myself in the flicker of firelight against the bone. The paper I had smoothed out over the table before the couch blended in with the unpolished woodwork.
Stella said, “You know we’ve been saving up for a bigger place for a while.”
“Hmm?” I blinked and swung my head to her. “Oh, right.” I chuckled. “We can’t start a family without doing that first, can we?”
“Or with you being sick all the time,” Stella added.
And may I always be sick.
Stella said, “But the cost of living in the city is so incredible we may have to wait another year just to afford a two room condo, which isn’t a space for foals. And with what I’ve heard from all the doctors…”
The book Stella read closed, and she shifted around to face me. “I think we should think about moving out of the city.”
My mouth hung open. I quickly tore the cobwebs out from between my ears and said, “That’s a big decision… don’t you think? I mean, what about your parents and sister?”
“I’ve already talked to them about it. They understand that, if it were best for us, it would be best for them too.”
Bless her family’s misguided hearts. They were far too understanding. “I’m still not sure. You know how I am about this city. It’s all I know.”
“Which is why it might be in your—” she tapped my nose, “best interest to see other places.” She said, “I know it’s a lot to think about. So don’t fret too much about it right now. I do think we should go on a vacation soon, though. We’ve been putting so much money aside we haven’t spent a single thing on ourselves.”
I nodded and she went back to her book after a few more deflected questions. I rose and said, “I… I’m going to return this to Naz.”
I snatched the brush between my teeth and tried to smile when my wife looked at me. She cocked her head. “Okay? Don’t be out too long, it’ll be dark soon.”
A bell rang when I opened the door to Naz’s store. The unicorn was somewhere in the back, cleaning. He raised his voice and said, “Sorry, we just closed.” The store was more a long hall, with necklaces and bracelets hanging from one wall and a whole set of strings and differing beads arranged in bins along the shelves of the other. A counter waited in the back with a nearby business ledger.
Farther behind the counter was another door that led to a backroom Naz split into a bedroom and kitchen. It was dreadfully cramped in the back, but impeccably neat. I went to the counter and left the brush there. The unicorn opened the door as I did and started. “Delph? What happened?”
I said, “Can I explain in your room?”
“Of course, you look positively petrified.”
I nodded and he stepped back. I followed him into the room. A twin bed went the length of one wall, on the opposite side ran a countertop and an oven. A small basin filled with water jutted out of the wall opposite of me. A mirror hung over it. Several shelves beside it held about two dozen unique brushes.
I sank into Naz’s bed. Naz joined me. He said, “You’re scaring me. What happened? Stella didn’t actually confront you, did she?”
Naz rubbed a hoof on my shoulder and eased my spirits. I said, “She did one worse. She wants us to move to a smaller town, maybe out into the country even.”
Naz’s hoof stopped. “And?”
“And what? She says she’s going to do it because I keep faking sick and I don’t know what to do. If I stop faking sick it will mean we won’t have as much time together, and even that won’t guarantee we won’t move.”
“You could always tell her the truth,” Naz suggested.
I dug my face into the rough wool blanket on his bed. I said, “I didn’t come here to hear that.”
Naz said, “I know you didn’t.” He nudged my shoulder. “Come on, roll over. I know what will cheer you up.”
I listened and rolled over onto my back. His lips sunk into mine.
A day passed, Stella kept dropping hints about a vacation and I kept batting them away. They were like mosquitoes sucking me dry, I didn’t want to hear how nice Canterlot’s gardens were this time of year, or the rustic charm of the Appleoosan Ranch cropping up in the west.
I shut the door to my apartment and sidled through the den. It was late, and shadows cast themselves through the whole apartment. I spotted candlelight in the kitchen and followed it. Stella waited for me, which made me unsteady because she always lied in bed three snores away from comatose when I came home.
She said, “I have a surprise for you.”
I hesitated in the doorway, then shrugged off my saddlebag. “A good one?”
“The best,” she beamed. I noticed something levitate off the counter and hover into the candlelight. Two tickets with gold lettering. “My father got them for us when he heard about us deciding a vacation. They’re all access passes to the Wonderbolts Festival in Winnywood.”
I didn’t care for flying at all, but even I knew those tickets were a big deal.
My jaw moved and tongue flapped a moment before words followed, “That’s… you’re dad’s connections ever amaze me.” Her father ran the city’s largest newspaper. Her mother one of the head editors, and Stella’s sister just began her journalism career there. Stella was an oddity for not following the family business.
“I insisted we would pay him back,” Stella said, “But isn’t this great?”
Something close to a laugh slipped out. “Yeah, it’s something alright.”
Stella frowned. “You don’t like it.”
I shook my head. “No, no, it’s great. Fantastic. It’s just, totally took me by surprise and I need to let the clinic know so I can take off and—”
“I visited earlier today. I asked if I could see you, but when they said you were busy with a patient I just made arrangements for you.”
I pursed my lips. I always knew that dumb pegasus receptionist hated me.
“We can leave this weekend, arrive a day before to enjoy the town, and then the next three days we’ll spend at the festival.”
I felt like somepony must’ve played the drums with my heart. But it was too important to Stella, so I kissed her cheek and said, “You’ve got to be the best wife ever.”
I didn’t get the chance to tell Naz about the trip. When I wasn’t working Stella clung to me like a saddle. She kept hinting at what I could expect when we got to the hotel at Winnywood.
“I’ll see you later, dear,” Stella said.
“See you,” I said. The door to the apartment closed, Stella left to arrange transportation while I packed. She’d be gone at least an hour. I waited five minutes, dashed downstairs and paid the doorman six bits to travel a block and tell Naz to get his flank to my apartment. While I waited I stuffed our thing into saddlebags. We didn’t need much. Some oats for the trip, accessories, and some clothes for Stella. Then I paced until I heard a knock on the front door.
I swung it open and threw my hooves over Naz’s neck.
“Hey—”
I cut him off with a kiss. My tongue pushed into his mouth, and his retreated a moment. But Naz relaxed into my embrace. I pulled him inside, my brain blanked on what I meant to talk about. When I did let him come up for air he took a deep breath and said, “Bedroom?”
I nodded.
Half an hour later my head came out of its daze when I heard, “I wish we could stay like this.”
We were back in my bed, spooning again. I said, “Crap.”
“Something wrong?”
I scooted out of the bed and said, “I’m sorry, Naz. I hadn’t seen you in days and I just got overcome by… look, I meant for you to come over for something else.” Naz rolled over to face me and sat up. “Me and Stella are leaving for Winnywood—”
Naz sprung onto his hooves and said, “You’re moving and you didn’t tell me?”
“No! Not moving, it’s just a vacation. I…”
Naz said, “And you’re just telling me?”
“I wanted to sooner. But I didn’t get the chance. Stella surprised me with all of this, I don’t want to go…” I trailed off. I never saw a glare so mean.
Naz stepped off the bed and said, “I should leave.”
I jumped in front of the door and said, “Wait, please?”
Naz nickered, and scratched his hoof against the floor. “Fine. What is it?”
“I just wanted to see you one last time before we left.”
He rolled his eyes. “If you don’t want to go then don’t. Sweet Celestia Delph, all you can do is lie to that filly. What about us? What happens to us when she does move you both to some town? I’m not going to be dragged along so I can suck your cock while she’s getting groceries.”
I said, “You know it’s not that easy. I can’t fit in this town without her.”
He scoffed. “Because of a blank-flank?”
“No pony wants to hire a no talent,” I hissed. “Don’t you get that? The clinic only took me on because of Stella’s father. And I’m always on thin ice because sometimes I do mess up and—”
“Then look for another kind of job, keep looking until you find that thing you are good at. And for Celestia’s sake tell Stella the truth. It’s bad what you do to me, but it’s awful what you do to her.”
I tried to back away from him but my flank bumped into the door. “Why are you being so hateful—”
Naz stamped his hoof. “Do not turn this on me. You know I came here because your messenger pony said you had something really important to tell me. And you know what? I thought, that maybe, for just an impossible second you did what I waited a whole year for. You finally told Stella the truth. You know most nights I’ve lied awake wondering what it would be like to fall asleep together.” That was like getting kicked in the gut. Air whooshed out my mouth in a heaving sob. “But that never will happen will it? Even when we’re all old I’ll just be some toy—”
“You’re not a toy!”
“Then tell her the truth!” he yelled, it was another blow, I fell onto my haunches. Tears slipping down my face.
The front door opened. I froze and heard, “I’m back dear.”
“Now’s your chance,” Naz said. He flared his nostrils. “Well?”
I ground my teeth and squeezed me eyes shut. This isn’t happening. It’s not.
I put my face against the door and said, “Be there in a minute.”
“Okay, I’m gonna use the restroom.”
Naz said, “Quit stalling. I’m right here, we can solve all of this.” He brought his face close to mine and said, “I’m sorry about getting mad at you. I was just feeling hurt. Come on,” he nuzzled my cheek, “I’ll be right here with you, and you know I’ll never leave.”
This moment probably defined my life more than any cutie-mark ever does any pony.
I lied. “I still love her. I can’t hurt her.”
Naz froze. We heard Stella finish up with her business. He took a step back and said, “After all this…” I flinched, he stared over my head at the door, “Do you love me? Did you ever?”
I almost choked. The whole thing seemed like a boulder tumbling down a mountainside, tearing away earth and stone and vegetation with it until it would all come crashing down. I can’t say what made me say what I did, but I couldn’t stop it. I sobbed. “Once.”
Naz backed away from me. I think I put him in a state of shock. He fell back onto my bed and said, “You left me hanging onto some hope…”
I finally managed the truth. “I don’t mean for everything to end up like this.”
“No,” Naz snapped. He snarled and said, “Go. Just go. Tell your damn love you want to eat out or something and then I’ll sneak out. Okay? I won’t see you again after that. Things will be great.”
I knew that was the moment where everything ended. The end of a great, long chapter in my life, and the last thing it needed to finish it was a single piece of punctuation. I mumbled, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” he didn’t look at me. “I’m sorry.” I opened the door, slipped into the other room, and closed it softly, a tiny, quiet period meant to be overlooked.
“You should’ve told me sooner,” Stella said. We did got out and eat, now we stood right outside our apartment.
“It’s okay, they’ll be in town a little longer,” I said. I contrived an excuse for my anxiety. I couldn’t even remember, it had to do with some band coming to town the same day we left.
Stella opened the door, and watched me as she stepped inside, “I promise to make it up for you.” She stopped in the doorway and shrieked. The sound like the grim itself jumped out and touched her.
“Stella!” I rushed in front of her to protect her from whatever lied on the other side.
Naz looked me right in the eyes when I came in. He busied himself while we were out. He fixed an old, copper hook to our ceiling to hang stuff from. He also wrapped our recently used sheet into a nice, length, of chord. He didn’t spend a second cleaning himself, there was an unsightly love stain matting the fur over his cutie-mark.
The stench of urine made my eyes water before I could ever cry. Naz’s tongue lolled out his mouth, his head hung from an awkward angle. I mixture of drool and vomit collected in the corners of his mouth.
But all of this fired off as secondary information to me, absorbed from mere exposure.
I couldn’t get away from his eyes. They reminded me of saucers of coffee, with not a single light to slip over their surface. Like the first glass we shared at that café the day we met.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Yes,” I said. My eyes didn’t leave the rug we sat on, it was soft on my haunches. Somewhere in the room a candle burned low and a soft smell of rose wafted over us. The rug was red, smoothed flat by maybe dozens of hooves. It had all the makings of coming unwound, they would need to replace it soon.
“Delph?”
We sat in the large, open lobby of the Fillydelphia Press. Stella beside me in the corner of the room. In front of me was her sister, a cherry pony with a mane of dark liquor. I needed a drink, I wanted out of here.
I spoke without knowing I did. “It was a few days ago. He asked me to visit his store, and once I was there he professed his love for me. I think I always knew, he had a way of looking at me that always seemed off. I told him that I couldn’t possibly feel the same way, told him he needed to find somepony else. I think he wanted to punish me for not loving him, so he did… that.”
“You think he killed himself—”
I glared at her. “He hung himself. He did not die.”
Stella’s shoulder leaned into mine. “Everything’s okay, dear. Will that be enough, Priscilla?”
I listened to a stick of graphite scratch over notebook paper. They needed to replace this rug, before it unwound at the seams. I was sure I could see it happening. Somewhere on the opposite side was a crash, ponies shouted as something shattered.
“Ignore that,” Priscilla said. “I just have one more question for you, Delph. If you did know about Nassarius’ attraction to you—”
“Love, he loved me. It’s not like he thought I had a nice flank.”
“His… love for you, why didn’t you say anything or address the issue before he could become obsessive?”
I glanced at Stella. “Because I was too worried about losing a good friend. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
The pages flipped backwards and Priscilla said, “To recap, you both went out for a quick bite. Nassarius saw you both leave, or just happened to show up at your apartment shortly after. You left the door unlocked on accident and he entered, where he proceeded to your bedroom and lied in your bed. The smell of you, Delph, got the better of him and after thrashing about on your bed and getting his hair everywhere, he ejaculated over your sheets. At this point, speculation would assume a great emptiness took him when he realized you weren’t there, and prompted him to commit suicide.”
“Attempt.”
Priscilla quirked her brow.
“He attempted suicide,” I said again. “Change it.” I rose to all fours and almost snatched the floating notepad with my teeth. “What are you waiting for?”
“Delph…”
“It’s fine, Stella,” Priscilla said, and the graphite stick floated over and scribbled something out of the notebook. “I think I have enough, to make a formal report, but if you’d like I can keep it from turning into print.”
“Don’t you dare,” I said. “I don’t want his parents knowing what caused this.”
Priscilla bobbed her horn. “Of course. Daddy says you two will be living in his penthouse ’til they clean up your apartment?”
“It’s just a temporary thing,” Stella said.
I stared at Priscilla’s bunched up mane while their conversation dissolved in my ears. Staring at her hair made me thirsty.
“…fuck, Naz…”
My partner froze, then pulled away from me. A lantern on the bed stand flamed into life and the unicorn looked at me. He had a mane a shade lighter than Naz’s. He pulled a sheet around him and asked, “Who the heck is Naz?”
His coat was pale yellow, his eyes green. I couldn’t remember when we met, I was supposed to go into work tonight, but impulse drove me to a bar on the way. I saw Naz there and we struck up a conversation like old times and left together. I felt the sting of several bites on my neck and chest. I blinked as that pain registered.
“He’s no pony,” I said.
“You’ve been saying his name this entire time,” the other unicorn accused. “Ever since we started getting into it. You even said, ‘I love you, Naz,’ at one point and at first I thought you were just drunk and couldn’t get my name right. It’s Nat, by the way.”
I licked my lips. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.” I slid my hooves to the bulge in the sheets but he knocked it away.
He said, “In the bar you said you were looking for somepony to be with.” Did I? “And for a second I thought there was some kind of earnest relationship beginning, but I guess not.” He tried to scoot off the bed.
I pounced on him. He tumbled onto his back with me on top of him. I could smell the sweat and heady musk in the air. It made my head spin a little. This must not have been our first time. Words began tumbling out of my mouth, “I do want you. I want more than just a fuck. I want to wake up beside you.” He tried to kick me off, but I held onto him and kissed him. I kissed down his neck and nipped his coat until he eventually surrendered. I went lower and lower, the scent of musk making my head swirl.
I woke up beside a stranger in the morning. I left before he had the chance to notice me.
That was the first unicorn of several. Even as a colt I got along better with unicorns than other kind of ponies, and now that Naz disappeared I saw every stallion with a horn sprouting out of their head as him. I left every night, excuse was a night shift at the clinic. I didn’t go, I went out and out, farther and farther, looting every bar and club for some unicorn to convince to take me home with them. Sometimes we’d do it once and I’d leave for another bar, most times I left in the morning.
I didn’t question the impulse, I followed it like a salmon struggling upstream. I didn’t have any seeds to sew, but more than enough reasons to want death.
I got so accustomed to going out that on night’s Stella thought me scheduled off I lied in bed until I knew she was asleep, then slip out and leave again. We moved back into our apartment, I never got sick once after that. We never needed to change out the sheets again, we just had eight sets of them stuffed in a closet.
Stallions with blank-flanks don’t go unnoticed, though. Pretty soon word spread, and it traveled farther up than the bars. Meantime, the clinic mailed me my termination notice.
I let Stella get the mail that day. She unsealed it while I sat on the couch, reading the paper. Helping to hold down a corner was Naz’s favorite brush. I stole it at some point, before they repossessed the place. Every time I looked at it my eyes lingered on the blond and orange hairs mingling together.
Stella said, “Delph?”
“Yes?” I said.
“Why is the clinic firing you?”
I looked up from the brush. “They’re firing me?”
Stella floated the notice in front of her. She said, “It says you haven’t come into work for a week…” she set it down. “It’s a mistake, isn’t it? A problem with punching in?”
I nodded. “Right, right. I’ll talk to them and sort it out.” I went back to the paper, I was reading the obituaries.
Stella said, “You’re not hiding anything from me, are you dear? Because you know you can tell me anything, and if you were honest about—”
“There’s nothing to hide,” I said. I knew the paper I had was several days old. I didn’t care much, I scanned the columns of ink and narrows of words. Something turned over in my chest, close to rage, but better to be called fire. I realized I read all these before, and intuition told me—
“There are rumors going around, and at first I didn’t want to believe them. But with this termination notice I can’t…” she sobbed. “Are you even listening?”
“My ears aren’t plugged.” I was so close, like the feeling you get when you turn a street corner onto a block with a skyscraper. I expected one to pop up any moment—
“Delph I am your wife!”
There it was. I stared at the picture of the smiling colt, the caption underneath did a square dance on my retinas until my head hurt. Nassarius.
“Naz…”
“So it’s true then?”
That caught my attention. It sounded like a door slammed shut and cut off a whole pathway of love and sympathy. I don’t think I ever heard her say anything so coldly. I met her glare, she had gotten onto her hooves at some point. She said, “There’s a rumor of a blank-flank wandering bars and convincing unicorns to take him home. My sister heard about it and told me, and I did not want to believe… but that smell always clinging to you.”
My head sunk. “It’s true. I…”
“Don’t justify what you did,” she snapped. “You lied, you stepped all over our marriage. And how long has that been going on?”
I said, “Since the first night. It was day I met him.”
I could sense her shaking beside me. I imagined the tears welling in the corner of her eye. But I didn’t look at her, I couldn’t stop staring at the obituary. “Nassarius,” I read aloud. I needed to hear it to believe it.
“Did you ever once love me then, or was it all fake?”
“All of it. I needed to fit in best I could. Ponies don’t like a blank-flank, no pony likes something obtuse when everything else is acute,” I said. My hoof brushed along the page, as if I could touch him.
“Celestia send you to the moon. Look at me, Delph.”
I swung my gaze to her. Tears ran down her face, her mane seemed to fall flat against her and her bangs swung low over her eyes. At that moment the thing rolling over in my chest exploded. I snapped to my hooves. “You want me to look at you? I can’t stand you.” She flinched backwards. “Why else do you think I leave you every night to be spat on and degraded as another colt’s thing? It’s a lot better than being here. You know you’re the reason he’s dead. All he wanted was for us to be together and you wouldn’t let him have that. It was all he wanted. All he wanted.”
She held onto her dignity and tried to retaliate. “I’m not the one who screwed around and lied to everypony.”
“Fuck you. I don’t need a lecture. You’re the one who killed him. I tried making him understand, and I tried my best to be with him when I could, but you just kept pulling me away.”
“You’re hysterical.”
That slight slipped between my ribs like a horn digging into my barrel, pushing its way to my heart. I shuddered and said, “I loved him once.”
“I know you did. But I can’t hold any sympathy for that. We’re through,” her voice tripped up and became shaky, “I can’t… I can’t believe I wasted a year of my life on you.”
“Neither can I…” I said. My eyes glazed over, and I was looking past her to the kitchen, reminded of a time me and Naz tried dancing in there. We laughed and talked about how some day we’d share a space big enough for dancing.
“Have a nice life, blank-flank.” She stepped past me and slammed the door with her magic on the way out.
The next day the paper ran a front page story on homosexuality. They centered on a single story, and used it to demonize the whole community. I took away a year of Stella’s life, her father returned in kind by taking my future.
I lost the apartment, everything. The magic sealing Naz’s brush faded, and it shattered again. In the city of brotherly love and I was without a brother or love. But it was all I knew, so I stayed, I became a part of the city. A statue of the classic villain, a forgotten relic at the back of an alley. Lot of times, I ate out of trashcans. And it was only until after first time I forced myself to eat the garbage of others that I realized I killed Naz. I drove him to hang himself because I was too afraid of ending up like I was now.
Ponies passed me over. They didn’t glance at me, they hushed their foals when they tried to ask questions, and the whole city moved on without me. Years from now things would heal with Stella, with the community I tarnished, with Naz’s family, those scars would close up.
I loved him once.
