Gunther Hermann's Quest for Orange Soda

by tragicCaligula

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Human, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 3980

He wants that soda

Gunther Hermann travels to Ponyville for orange soda since UNATCO's maintenance guy keeps wiring the soda machine to only serve lemon-lime.

Gunther hates lemon-lime

Proof-read by TheArcadeLords and TJbrena

Published 2013-02-23 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-23 02:50:01 UTC

I Vill Kill Ze Maintenance Guy For This

Note: Takes place 6 months before the events of "Deus Ex." Use this for this section.

"Are you sure you pressed the right button?"

"I do not make mistakes of zat kind."

"Your hand might have slipped."

"No. I wanted orange. It gave me lemon-lime."

"The machine would not make a mistake."

"It's the maintenance man. He knows I like orange!"

"So you think the staff has some kind of plot?"

"Yes. Zey do it on purpose."

"Honestly, Gunther, you are becoming paranoid. The world may start to look down on us mechanically augmented soldiers but I doubt that the maintenance man would go out of his way just to deny you of your favorite beverage." said UNATCO Agent Anna Navarre, a mechanically augmented woman that served the United Nations Anti-Terrorist Coalition. After a tough night of controlling riots in lower New York, Anna only wished to come down to the rec room of UNATCO HQ and enjoy some down time. Her partner, however, had to bother her with his usual predicament... just like every other night.

"Every day you tell me ze same thing, Agent Navarre!" a large augmented man said in a thick German accent. This was UNATCO agent Gunther Hermann, a large, muscular, augmented agent that also served UNATCO along side his partner, Agent Navarre. He and Anna are the only two mechanically augmented agents in the coalition, soon a new age of human advancement will render them obsolete. Gunther, however, is dead-set on proving that an old pile of "junk" like him can still be efficient and deadly.

Provided he gets his daily dose of orange soda, of course.

"And I will continue to do so until you stop acting like a child and start acting like a disciplined soldier! Now go stack up in ammunition and LAM's! We are to deploy back to Battery Park in the next hour!" Agent Navarre yelled. The augmented woman finished her candy bar and stormed out of the rec room, leaving poor Gunther alone with a can of nasty lemon-lime flavored soda.

"I just vant orange soda for once! Iz zat too much to ask!" moaned Gunther. Taking out his credit chip, he turned to the soda machine. He was going to try one more time. Inserting the chip into the machine, Gunther hovered his finger over the button that dispensed the orange soda. He re-read the name of the soda to make sure that he was correct and firmly pressed the button.

"Come on..." he said expectantly. The machine clanked and banged as the soda can traveled down the contraption. When the can landed in the chute, the augmented agent reached in and hoped for the best. Bringing the aluminum container to his face, he saw the green and yellow pattern of the soda can.

It was lemon-lime... again.

"I vill kill ze maintenance guy..." Gunther seethed with rage. He crushed the can in silent fury, the beverage sprayed across his combat armor and metal plates. He crumpled the can as if it was paper and he violently shoved it inside a nearby paper shredder. He went without orange soda for too long! It was time for extreme measures!

Gunther walked to the barracks, making booming footsteps as he did. Various UNATCO soldiers and employees moved out of his way, either out of courtesy or out of fear. The other soldiers of UNATCO learned a long time ago to not get in Gunther's way when he gets pissed. They would avoid the cyborg man's wrath if they did. And believe me, you DO NOT want to deal with an angry Gunther.

In the barracks, the augmented agent went directly to his room, ignoring the other soldiers there. The drab walls of the small bed-chamber greeted him. The polished floor and chrome locker were his mirrors, rockets, LAMs, assault rifles, and other weapons were his toys, and a small pile of books were his entertainment. However, Gunther needed none of them. What he needed was inside his locker.

Hermann searched inside his locker for the item in question. He took out ammo, boots, combat armor, and other miscellaneous objects.

"Vhere iz it!" he groaned. Finally, his large hands felt an unusual warmth that was out of place among the cold items in his locker. He promptly took the item out and scanned the surface. It was a sphere with golden vines and had a golden sun on one end and a silver moon on the other that gave off a warm sensation while Gunther was holding it.

"Zere you are! Now if I remember correctly, zat vhite horse vith vings told me to activate it like... zis!" Gunther clicked the sun and moon icons and rotated the half that held the sun icon exactly 180 degrees to the left. It let out a small hum and a dim  yellow light. Gunther ooh'd and awe'd at the cute little sphere's display. However, the dim light started to get brighter and brighter. Gunther had to shield his optical visors from the harsh light. Eventually, the entire room was engulfed in the light, the humming of the sphere became louder and louder. And then...!

It stopped. The light was gone and so was the humming. Agent Hermann looked at the sphere in disappointment.

"Mein Gott, vas zat all it does? Zat horse lied to--" Without warning, an explosion of yellow filled Gunther's vision. Everything went to black afterwards.

---

Applejack was finishing her chores for the day. The 200 apple trees she had to buck for the day had their apples collected, the barn's roof was repaired, the animals were fed and cleaned, and Big Mac's leg healed. That meant  he would be fine with taking Applejack's chores tomorrow.

He was going to do them. He had to because AJ had to do his chores for the entire day!

"Shoot, better get these apples in the barn before night falls!" Applejack brought the wagon full of apples towards the barn, her legs killing her from all the manual labor she had to do today.

Thank Celestia she would get some well-deserved rest soon.

After storing the apples in some barrels in the barn, AJ headed back to the house. She was starving and wanted a slice of Granny Smith's apple pie with a side of milk. Trotting down the the path to the house, Applejack smiled at the peaceful transition of day to night.

"Aaaah!" a scream pierced the quiet atmosphere.

It was Granny Smith! She was screaming! Applejack galloped towards the the family house as fast as a jackrabbit on a hot, greasy grill in the middle of August. Her grandmother was in peril and Applejack was not going to let anything bad happen to her! Slamming open through the front door, Applejack called out for Granny Smith.

"Granny! Granny! Where are you!?"

"Aah!"

Applejack headed towards the source. It was in the kitchen.

AJ blazed into the kitchen but stopped dead at what she saw.

It was Granny Smith on her rocking chair, laughing like a madmare and holding her stomach like her guts where going to burst. And in front of her was a huge, metal abomination on two legs, it's piercing red eyes looked into Applejack's. She could see no emotion in those blood-red orbs. The way they bore into Applejack's eyes made them look as if they were staring right into her soul. It towered over both Applejack and Granny Smith; his body black and disfigured by strange metal plates and wires.

"Young'un, come join us! This nice, young feller is a hoot at jokes. Why I haven't laughed that hard in ages." Granny Smith said wiping a tear from her eye. Applejack was flabbergasted at this scenario. Here was her granny, healthy and and safe, in front of this giant metal monster. A monster that looked menacing and horrifying and yet made Granny Smith scream with laughter.

"Wha-- who-- huh?!" AJ spat out. She literally couldn't say anything at all.

"Oh let me introduce you! This is... uh, what's your name again, sonny?" Granny Smith asked the monster.

"Gunther Hermann, top agent of UNATCO." he replied looking at the bomb-shelled Applejack.

"Gopher Hermit!" said Granny Smith. Gunther ignored her mistake and looked at the orange mare in front of him.

"Now vith introductions out of ze vay, it is time to get what I came here for." Gunther walked over to Applejack, his steps thumping and creaking the frail wooden floor. Applejack cleared her throat and tried to regain her composure now that she knows that this creature isn't dangerous, at least not at the moment.

"Do you have any orange soda? I vill take as many as you have." Gunther said. The large augmented man looked expectantly at the tiny pony beneath him. She wore a cowboy hat and had three apples tattooed on the side of her butt. But his favorite feature were the cute, white freckles  on her face contrasted against her lovely orange coat. Gunther loved orange.

"S-soda? Sorry b-b-but we don't have soda here," Applejack said. Gunther frowned. "But we have some apple juice and some lemonade if you're-"

"Nein!" Gunther yelled.

"What? What's the matter? We don't have soda here. You'll have to look somewhere else if you want soda." Applejack responded, gaining a bit of courage.

"Very vell. Good night, Ms. Smith." He bade goodbye to Granny Smith who gave a wave of the hoof in return. Gunther walked passed Applejack and went for the door, his footsteps thumping and booming as he walked. Applejack, however, chased after the augmented man.

"Wait a minute, pardner! You can't go outside at night. You might scare somepony to death." said the orange mare. Gunther ignored her and walked through - Yes, WALKED THROUGH - the front door, the wood splintered and pieces fell to the ground. Gunther dusted himself off of any remaining debris and walked down a dirt road, leading down to Ponyville.

"Whoa! Ma door... you're going to have ta pay for that thang, mister!" Applejack fumed. This robot thing may be scary looking and humongous but it sure as heck ain't going to start destroying her property on her watch.

"Did ya even hear me!"

"Yes, I heard you, orange horse. Forgive me for my rudeness but I am only here for my soda," Gunther said.  "Once I receive my beverage, I vill be out of your head, or however Americans say it." Agent Hermann used his optical lenses to scan the growing town in the distance. Residents were still out and about, lights in buildings were still on, and there seemed to be a high concentration of residents around a strange building adorned with confections. Whether they were real or not, Gunther knew that the building was a confections shop. And where ever sweets are sold, soda was sure to be there as well.

"Worth a look." Gunther said.

"What is?" Applejack looked ahead to the town. Her pupils shrunk to pinpricks as she realized the cyborg man's destination.  "Now hold on 'ere, fella. That there is not the place you should be goin'." She said.

"Und vhy not?" Gunther asked.

"Look at yourself, mister! You aren't from here and, sorry if this offends you, but you look like you were dragged through a junkyard!" Applejack yelled, exasperated. Ponyville was getting closer and closer and Gunther was walking faster and faster. It was just a matter of time before the augmented man starts a panic.

"Nonsense! Your kind, old grandmother chatted up a storm vhen I vas back there talking vith her. She told me about her youth and the surrounding areas," Hermann explained.  "If there are lions vith bat wings and scorpion tails, wolves made out of wood, und electric trees, zhen the townspeople should not be disturbed by me." Gunther said. The town was now a few meters away! Luckily, ponies were not nearby the area.

"Bu- but. Ah... Ugh! Listen to reason, you said you were an agent or somethin'. Is this how agents in your line of work are supposed to act?"

"No but I am not vith my agency. I am my own man, I am not under orders, and zis is a different world zat I vill be leaving soon. So, I have nothing to worry about except my soda." Gunther said casually.

"Ah, Zere we are! Zat gingerbread place should have orange soda!" Gunther said ecstatically. The mare and the cyborg were now in the town square, devoid of ponies but this was not Gunther's destination. Applejack grew tired of reasoning with the thick headed agent and ran ahead to Sugarcube Corner to warn Pinkie and the Cakes.

"Don't you cause any trouble, ya hear!" Applejack yelled as she ran ahead Gunther and galloped straight to the sweets shop.

---

"Pinkie, this after-hours donut-coffee sale was a great idea!" said an ecstatic Mr. Cake as he gave a bag of glazed donuts to a hungry customer. There were dozens of patrons inside Sugarcube Corner, waiting on some scrumptious donuts and coffee to eat before they retired to their homes. The Cakes would have normally closed their doors for the night, but a certain pink pony convinced them to stay open and sell some treats. After they made 20 bits in the first ten minutes, the bakers did not complain.

"Thanks, Mr. Cake! Why should ponies go to sleep without some extra food in their tummy?" Pinkie quiped. She was happily delivering trays of donuts and coffee to the hungry patrons. The sight of the hungry customers munching on her donuts filled her with glee!

...Get your mind out the gutter, please.

At the sound of the front door slamming open, Pinkie Pie stopped what she was doing and looked to a panting Applejack slowly trotting inside. Delighted, the party pony shoved a donut into the mouth of an eager foal. Pinkie trotted over to Applejack, wanting to know why she was sweaty and panting.

"Hi, Applejack! Did you hear that we were selling yummy donuts and coffee? Is that you're so sweaty? Or maybe it's because you wanted to sleep over here!" Pinkie gasped.  "Oh my gosh! I should get some sleeping bags! We can play games, eat marshmallows, drink hot coco-" the mare's babbling was cut short by an orange hoof placed on her lips.

"Pinkie, this is serious. There is this huge, metal, monster with glowin', red eyes and he is coming straight here!" Applejack yelled.  "He is going to be here soon so you need to help me evacuate the customers and get Twilight and the others to come-"

"Ah! A new pony is in Ponyville! We need to throw him a party! It can also be a slumber party since it's night! I need to get my wagon!" Pinkie gushed. Just when she was going to grab her stuff, Applejack once again stopped her.

"Pinkie, there is no time for partyin'! We need to stop that metal guy I told you about before he sends the town to a panic!" the farm pony said.

"Oh c'mon, AJ. It isn't very nice to deny somepony of a party, especially when they are new here." said the stubborn, pink pony.

"Pinkamena Diane Pie, you ain't listenin' to-"

Screaming could be heard from outside Sugarcube Corner, the words "monster" and "Run for your life!" and "Killer Robot" could be heard. AJ's eyes shrunk to pinpricks as she realized she was too late. Gunther Hermann was standing at the door, standing triumphantly while he ignored the screaming ponies running out behind him.

The cyborg also had the neck's of two large, stallion guards wrapped around his beefy arm.

"Ah, Applejack! You are here, as vell! Ve can have a chat over some beverages." Hermann smiled. The two guards still tried to struggle out of the augmented agent's arm, yet their strength was mediocre compared to Gunther's. The best they could do is to spout empty threats at Gunther.

"Release us, you hideous abomination, or you will feel the full wrath of the Equestrian Government!" one said.

"Yeah, what he said!" said the other.

Gunther tightened his hold on the two stallions, making them squeal like little girls.

"Mommy..." they said in unison.

"Now, now. You should not be insulting something larger, and deadlier, than you. You are very lucky I did not snap your necks when you charged me." Gunther said, bringing them to their face. Quickly grabbing one of the guards in his arm by his neck with his right arm, Gunther lifted the two full-grown stallions as if they were children and hung them by their armor on some nearby coat hangers.

"Oh, did you all see zat?" Gunther turned around and noticed Applejack, Pinkie, and the Cakes looking at him with flabbergasted looks. Mr. Cake promptly fainted and Mrs. Cake joined her unconscious husband too. Gunther grimaced when Applejack glared at him furiously.

"What did I tell you! You caused a panic and now the whole town is going to be after ya, ya tin brain!" Applejack screamed. She was never one for insults but this cyborg has been giving her a hard time ever since he got here and she could not take anymore nonsense.

Pinkie, however, looked at the augmented agent with a crazed look in her eye. This walking, metal monster was ugly to look at, but there was something about him that made her walk closer to it. His gargantuan form, the strange metal plates and the red visors, and his large, muscular arms. They looked like they could hold her forever and never let go. Pinkie blushed as she got closer and closer.

"...and you will fix that door! Don't think I forgot about-" Applejack stopped her ranting and noticed Pinkie.  "Pinkie, what are you doing?" She asked.

"He. Is. HANDSOME!" Pinkie screeched. At a speed that not even Gunther could react to, the pink pony jumped onto Gunther and did not let go.

"WHAT!?" AJ, the two guards that were hung on the hangers, and Gunther yelled.

"You can't be serious!" said the guard on the left side of the hanger.

"You think that thing is handsome!?" said the guard on the right side of the hanger.

"Pinkie, what in-"Applejack could not finish without saying something crude.

"Was hat dieses pferd zu sagen!" Gunther said in German. He quickly tried to pry Pinkie off his chest but to no avail. Even with his superhuman strength, this pink horse would not let go.

"Oh hold me tighter! Hold me in those big strong arms of yours, cutie." Pinkie swooned. She has officially reached a new level of creepy, at least by Pinkie's standards. Gunther looked to Applejack, and Applejack looked at him. Not a word was spoken, the sound of Pinkie rubbing her head into Gunther's combat armor was the only thing that filled the empty room.

"Ahem, vell since she vill not let go, let us just ignore her," Gunther walked towards Applejack, towering over her again.  "I have over stayed my velcome in zis vurld and I must be getting back to my own world. However, I have still not obtained my orange soda! You vill help me find some, Applejack." Gunther raised his voice, his left hand tightened.

"I told ya: I don't have any soda and after the way you have behaved, I ain't giving you anythang 'cept a good buckin'." Applejack threatened, her stance defiant and courageous.

"Zen you leave me no choice.." Gunther's left arm whirred and shifted into something deadly: a gatling gun! The two eings stepped away from each other, ready for battle.

A pony with a mean buck and a giant, cyborg German armed to the teeth with a deadly array of augmentations. Such a fight would have been amazing to see... if Pinkie did not decide to butt in.

"Orange soda?! We have one more box in the basement! Wait right here, cutie." Pinkie pecked Gunther's cheek and flew downstairs to the basement. Ignored the gross kiss and changed his gun back to an arm and cheered.

"Yes! I am finally able to drink soda after three months of dealing with zat idiot maintenance guy!" Gunther hoora'd. Applejack simply collapsed on the floor in exhaustion. To think she was just about to fight a killing machine on legs out of sheer anger. That would have been silly.

"There you are, Gunther!" a voice said. Gunther stopped cheering and turned to the front door where the sound originated, as did Applejack. Princess Celestia herself was standing there along with an exhausted Twilight. Celestia passed the guards from before (ignoring them, by the way) and walked to Gunther. She was smaller but that did not stop her from chewing him out.

"I told you to use that sphere when the time was right, and you wasted it to terrorize my subjects at night! Explain yourself, Gunther." Celestia spoke. She was not in the mood for any garbage right now. Woken up by a letter from her student saying that there was a metal monster scaring the inhabitants, she had to rip herself from her warm bed and deal with the madness in the town.

"Well, vhite horse, I found the time to be right - at least for myself - to visit this vorld again because I was in need of something dear to me." he explained.

"It's Celestia, and what would that be?" she said sternly.

"Orange soda, Celestia! I have been deprived of it for too long. I need zat beverage or else my life would not be complete. So I came here thinking zere vould be soda." he finished. Celestia brought a hoof to her forehead and sighed.

"Gunther... It is time for you to leave." she said.

"Vhat! But zat pink horse vill be back soon vith my soda any second now! Please, Celestia!" Gunther pleaded. Being brought to his knees by a pony was demeaning but Gunther fought back the shame.

Celestia thought about this for awhile and smirked. Her horn lit up, releasing a bright light similar to the one that Gunther experienced back at UNATCO. Gunther yelled as he was blinded again by the dastardly light. He could feel himself slipping into darkness, but he turned to Applejack one last time and gave her a look that said "I'm sorry."

And Gunther was gone.

---

Gunther slowly woke up, his head spinning. The cyborg took a look at his surroundings and saw the drab,cold walls of his room. He was back at UNATCO again, and with no orange soda. If Gunther had tear ducts, he would be weeping right about now. Gunther sniffled and cried out in sadness; he failed his mission. He could not get his precious orange soda from the ponies. He would go without soda for the rest of his days in UNATCO.

However, at the corner of his optical visors, he saw a can. Not just a can, a pack of cans that were the color... orange!

Gunther turned to the pack of cans in beside him. They were cans of orange soda! Celestia, she... she actually sent Gunther home with cans of the orange flavored drink of the gods! Gunther's synthetic heart raced as he quickly crawled to the soda cans and and grabbed one. They were still cold and they were far from expiring! Gunther could drink his soda!

However, just when he was going to open a can, something landed on him. It was something soft and it smelled faintly of strawberries.

"The princess said that you could have these cans if you do one teensy, little thing for me," Pinkie cooed.  "Seeing how there is a bed right next to us, why don't we start now?" Pinkie's grip grew tighter.

"Ich werde dich töten, Celestia." Gunther said with a heavy breath.