Weapons of Mass Discord

by ju44

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 3030

What exactly DID Celestia want Discord reformed for? Well, let's say that Equesteria isn't the only continent of its world.

Alicornin, Draconequarp, and the Pony Tribelands. Each different countries, and continents. One eventually became known as Equesteria, and some Alicorns decided to butt in and rule it. Alicornin was ruled by Sir Concord, father of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Draconequarp was ruled by King Tumult, who's son, Discord, was banished for breaking the few laws the land had. Discord took over Equesteria, and, until the Alicorn princesses saved it with the "Elements of Harmony" they found there, which were formed from the harmony, friendship, and then the hardships found at that land, which made the land receive worthy calls of distress.
The two sisters banished Discord, accidentally bringing forth the day and night, for from the waning of the chaos, and waning of a great many millennium, it was practically predictable.
Now, Sir Concord is angry with some decisions his daughter made, and King Tumult is angry with what he recently learned happened to his son, who he wanted to bring back. After seeing their Declarations of War, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna agreed that they must take action.
How? A "Weapon of Mass Chaos and Harmony", also known as Discord. Now reformed and ready to listen, it is Discord who must harmonize the Draconequui and give a "little scare" to the Alicorns.

A/N and technical stuff:

A story with multiple perspectives. In first person the star is Discord, and in second person, you, a worker for a successful yet greedy chocolate company from Trottingham.

Crossover with Animaniacs, the Warner Siblings in particular, whom Discord brought to Equesteria when he was thinking of ways to wreak havoc.

I made this when I was watching an episode of Animaniacs, and I thought there should be a reason why Celestia wanted Discord to be reformed, and wanted to avoid a complete clop-fic.

Published 2013-01-30 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-03 21:51:59 UTC

Horshy Chocolate - You

A little know thing about the city of Trottingham was that it is extremely rich, due to one of it's major exports; Chocolate. The most famous chocolate producing company in all of Equesteria was based there; Horshy's. Horshy's chocolate was started by a stallion named "Cocoa Horshy". You worked for the company, which was now ruled by a greedy CEO.

Mr. Prickly Offer Nemgnat Yunoi was a greedy and slightly cruel man. He preferred to be called Prickly Offer, for whatever reason, and often times you saw him firing people. Not you, though, because you were a central worker for the main Horshy's factory in Trottingham. You were the only unicorn who could process cocoa as well as you did, for your specialty was just that. In fact, your cutiemark shows cocoa separated from dirt. Which you could do. Your handsome, brown yet slightly caramel coat was a familiar site around the factory, as you often won "Employee of the Month", as well as your darker mane and tail, smooth as the flowing liquid chocolate you see when walking to your station. Mr. Prickly Offer didn't let any of that stop him from being cruel to you, even if it was tiny. Today, however, something terrible happened.

It was a Monday, so you already were more tired on days like that. Today also was a day where huge orders of Horshy's chocolate were made, and you had to get to work earlier. You were a highly productive worker, and fought that all off. However, one parasprite exactly the shade of the cocoa dust you had to sort, came through. You immediately noticed your mistake when it was too late, for you saw a blue blob in the pile too. Attempting to get help, you told the operator that you accidentally let a parasprite through, but he didn't respond. The fact that he was staring at his laptop, which were never found in Canterlot, as they had been banned, or small towns, and the way his face looked, told you it all. You strongly disliked this pony. He masturbated at work way too much, and often got other people fired. He was never blamed though. Not once. You sighed, and hoped no one would notice. Today, however, the Parasprite Removal Service came to Horshy's, and could easily see the Parasprite. They told Mr. Prickly Offer, and his shout told you it all.

"You moron! You let a parasprite through? I am so annoyed right now, in fact, you should be fired! Yeah, right, I can fire you! YOU'RE FIRED!" screamed he. Devastated, you attempted to not show it, and accidentally looked like a Canterlot pony from that. You got your things, and left the factory. When you exited, you began crying. Crying because you were fired from the perfect job. Crying because you had no hope for a family anymore. Crying because Discord was looking right at you.

"D-D-Discord?" you asked, looking at the chaos god staring over you.

"Assuming I know my own name, yes, I am Discord. I heard you were good at sorting chocolate, and I figured you could sort other things too. My one question is, would you be willing to help me?" asked the spirit of disharmony.

"No! Never! I would never ser-" you attempted to say, but Discord shoved a paper in your face and sighed. You read it.

Hello, my subject who my friend here is attempting to recruit. I know you have heard bad things about him, but he has changed, and is using his magic to save Equesteria now. I ask that you help him, listen to him, believe him, and then you will also help me...

Signed,

Princess Celestia

Of course, you skipped a bunch, as princesses usually go way too far into detail when talking about their requests. However, you got the general idea; help Discord. You never noticed a purple unicorn mare with a dark aura with green outlines around it floating around the city; you would regret that sooner or later. For now, of course, there was not much to worry about.

Two hours later, you were eating lunch with Discord and those ... animals who were following him. Then it happened; a beam of black aura magic blasted down from the sky and made the picnic table explode, and formed a black crystal, which started spreading in a black line to the quartz statue at the center of the Trottingham Scientific Park; an odd unicorn pony, who seemed to have a curved head. When you read about this place called the "Crystal Empire" in the newspaper, you figured out who it was, and why it suddenly disappeared one day and then reappeared, accompanied by some odd sort of Aurora spreading out; it was a statue of a tyrannical unicorn king named "King Sombra". The crystals started going towards the statue, getting bigger and creating a wider and wider cone. You started to scream, when Discord put his lion paw over your mouth and said, "Shh, be quite, I'll stop this." Suddenly, he turned red and blue, with all other sorts of colors, and raising up in the air, and BOOM! a giant beam came from his eagle claw and blasted the crystals away. He then looked at the purple mare in the sky.

"Oh Twilight, I knew this was bound to happen the moment I saw your eyes when I was turned back to flesh and bones! The dark magic took hold of you! This is hilariously expected! Now, I just have to stop you before I have to do more work than needed," he sighed, and then he turned to you. "Ah, yes! Perfect! I need a life form to use this spell!" exclaimed the Draconequus. You started trembling with fear, when he started laughing hysterically, and turned to a blade of grass, shooting green beams out of his eyes and then, like a tractor beam, pulled them back, and shot them at the purple mare.

"Wha-what happened? I was reading a book, and then I passed out, and now I'm in Trottingham!" said mare named Twilight Sparkle, as you recalled from the newspaper. Then she looked shocked.

"Why is Discord here? Who is that guy? What are those-" she tried to say, before falling asleep.

"Erm, we should go now. Leave it to her friends to find her here. To Alicornin we go!" shouted Discord, and he started flying, after looking at you and seeing that you weren't able to fly. "Oh, yeah, that ... I know, I'll make you a pegasus pony!" he announced, and suddenly, you had very long wings.

"Wow," you simply exclaimed.

In an octopus's garden... - Discord

"Gotcha!" said a figure behind me when I was flying across the sea. I recognized the figure as Princess Celestia when I turned around and attempted to bolt. She caught me with her hooves. "Oh Discord, you know that I didn't have you reformed only for the war," she whispered sexually into my ear. I suddenly figured out who this was; she was too nice to be Molestia, as I encountered her once, so this was who I call "Banana Princess", who once set a man's house on fire, ignored him, and then sent him to the moon. She also invaded me a long time ago, and well, we had fun. However, she began to try to send me to the moon, and that made me not want to deal with her ever again. Princess Celestia managed to get rid of Molestia and the Banana Princess, but now the Banana Princess was back!

"Goodnight everybody!" said the oldest of those monkey dog things.

"Ooh, so the rumors are true about you and Celestia, Discord?" said the new pony. I made a mental note to ask him what his name was soon.

"What? No no, this is the Banana Princess, as I call her. You may have heard that a grey earth pony was found, immortalized by the near-vacuum state, which makes ponies become immortal for whatever reason, was found on the moon? She set his house on fire once and later sent him to the moon. Very very long ago, she also invaded me, and we did things not appropriate to be said over a waterpony school. Then she tried to send me to the moon. She was expelled from our galaxy by Celestia herself, but she's back now," I explained. Yakko looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. However, I still needed to get rid of this demon. Suddenly, I had the perfect idea. According to Celestia, beings like this could be destroyed easily, just throw an octopus at them! So I said, "Well, I guess we can have more privacy in the sea." I knew that we were over an octopus garden.

"Well, Discord, last time we were on the moon, I recall? The sea would be a nice change," commented she.

We were in the sea in two minutes. Suddenly, I went to the octopus's garden, took the octopus, and threw it at her.

"AAAAHHHH! Why? You terrible chaos god!" she shouted, as she started to fade away. I decided I would rest in the octopus garden for a little while, and think of what to do. That's when I had the vision.

"Diiiiisssscoooord, Diiiissssscooooord..." whispered a female voice into my ear. I was in an empty word, and every word noise was echoed one thousand times, as it seemed. "Diiiisssscoooord, I'm heeeerrre. Your father never really killed me," it said again. I suddenly recognized the voice as my late mother's. I began to make the noise that one makes when you try to hold back crying.

"M-mommy?" I said, trying to hold back my tears.

"Yessss, meeee, your mommmy..." whispered Queen Entropy, in my ear, it seemed. "Diiissscord, make sure to help the Princesssss, so I can actually die, as I wished toooo," she ordered. I nodded my head. Now I had another reason to do this; I don't know how it would let her actually die, but I know how it felt to be stuck with no one in a realm like this for a long time, except she must have been here for one million years. A Draconequus can die, but sometimes they go to a realm like this. Seconds seem like years in this type of place. I knew that a real death was better than all of this.

"Discord, wake up, you've been asleep for hours! The octopus is almost back, we need to hurry!" said a deep, Trottingham-refined voice. I knew that I had to wake up. I wander how I managed to float when I was asleep. After opening my eyes, I could see those children playing a game of cards ... it seems I conjure up random things when having visions like that, because I saw other things too.

"My bad, I suppose I will have to be more careful next time. Now, you say the octopus is coming? We should hurry now. Tell the children to stop playing go fish, and to start following me. I think land is nearby," I said. The was-unicorn-now-pegasus nodded and got the siblings to come over to me.

"Erm ... so what are we doing now?" asked the middle one.

"I think there is land somewhere near us, and we are going to go to it. Now, follow me!" I ordered.

After an hour or so, we reached land. Sure, I could tell you of the sea monsters we fought, or I should say, I destroyed, the pirates that we made friends with but turned out to just want to rob us, and everything else, but that would be dreadfully boring. So, we landed, and, from the looks of it, we were now in Alicornin.

And then there was war... - Discord

Princess Celestia was very businesslike when she brought me to the castle, as I saw it. The very way she walked gave it away. The royal guards, as always, seemed so attentive and loyal and BORING. I wished I could "liven them up" a little with just a little prank, but that would get me put back to a statue of stone in a jiffy. So I continued to hover above the ground, following the Princess to her throne room. Suddenly, she turned to look at me, very sharply.

"WHY are you staring at me? I find that very rude. You can look at my eyes when you talk, but when I get looked at like that, I find it mean," I said, with my usual slightly sarcastic tone. After a short sigh, she looked at my eyes, but less like she was trying to shoot lasers out of her own eyes that would shoot a hole right through my antler and horn.

"Discord, please refrain to being less silly. Now, obviously, I wouldn't chose to bring you out of that stone cage unless times were desperate," here she paused, and I muttered, "Well, doesn't that make me feel welcome," which made her temporarily going back to that laser-eye stare, and then she continued after clearing her throat.

"Now, as I was saying, times are desperate. Your father, King Tumult, has declared war on all of Equesteria, after he learned what happened to you, as he wanted to bring you back. My father, Sir Concord, has also declared war on us, because he was unhappy with how I was defeated by what he heard was a "mere changeling", but was actually the queen of them, but he never heard that. So, he declared war after Luna and I refused to give up the throne to our, very annoying, little sisters. Luna and I agreed that the only way to stop this war was to summon you, and have Fluttershy make you use your magic for good. Now, your orders are to give a warning to Alicornin, and make Draconequarp retreat, as they have already attacked. Now, first of all, you'll need to summon some companions to help. Yes, I know you're capable of that," she said, with a serious look on her face.

So I thought of what to summon, and within five minutes, I had a look on my face that nearly screamed "Eureka!" So, I snapped my beard, and suddenly, three standing cat/dog/monkey mutants appeared out of nowhere. They were mostly black-furred, but had white feet and faces, with noses like the ones you see on clowns. They all were wearing white gloves, with the tallest one also wearing some cargo pants and a belt, the youngest wearing a pink skirt, and the middle one wearing a red baseball cap and and a blue sweater. The middle one was apparently in the middle of a song.

"... Capital of Ohio. There's Montgom- Oh, this isn't the classroom, this is a palace. Ooo, hello pony nurse!" he exclaimed, with his tongue sticking out, causing saliva to get all over the castle's floors while he was talking. His sister simply sighed, "Boys," and then their older brother said, "Well, hello, who are you? Why are we here-" and I cut him off.

"I am Discord, and she is Princess Celestia. Now, I'll need you three to conjugate as one-" here the oldest one said, "Goodnight everybody," and I continued after banging my lion paw on my face and stretching it down. "As I was saying, you must act as if you were joined together as one, in order to help me. Here, I will tell you why you are here, and the history of this land." So I did. When I ended, the oldest sibling had something to say.

"Wait wait wait, you're telling me that these young looking "Alicorns" are actually over five THOUSAND years old? What anti-aging trick are they using? Are they sucking the blood of children? Are they doing something dirty to children? Are you lying about why we're here, just so those old hags can suck our blood, and possibly something else? Hmm?" Everyone ( I say everyone because, oddly enough, there were royal guards still here in the room), besides himself, his brother, and me, did some form of facepalm. I personally found it hilarious, but I am a spirit of chaos, so naturally I do have a different sense of humor from other beings.

"No no, dear ... erm, who are you? My friend here says the truth. I promise. You have my, quite literally, immortal word," Celestia promised. The oldest one nodded his head, and then said, "Well, to answer your question, I'm Yakko! My brother is Wakko, and my sister is Dot. We're the Warner Brothers!" and his sister said, "And sister too!"

"Well, Yakko, despite the pure absolute hilarity of your statement, we must get down to business. Yakko, I'm about to snap my fingers, and you'll gain wings. As will you, Wakko, and you, Dot. Then you must follow me, and we'll do some things before we officially begin dest- I mean, pacifying Draconequarp and Alicornin," I ordered, with a smirk on my face. Wakko nodded his head to say "yes", and he, along with his siblings, stood attentively. They even saluted, which made me laugh a little inside. These kids were absolutely hilarious! As I said I would, I snapped my fingers, and poof! they grew wings.

"Wow, I have wings now?" said "Dot". "Why yes, Dottie," I answered, and then she slapped me on the face. "I am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the Third, but you can call me Dot, BUT NEVER DOTTIE!" she shouted in anger. I wish I could have seen my face, because it made the "Yakko" boy laugh like a maniac! I was beginning to have a little too much fun, if that was possible.

"Well, "Dot", I am sorry for offending you. Now, you three, follow me, we need to begin our quest now." And with those words from my mouth, we took off.

Author's Note

Oh Wakko.
Anyways, I think I did a good job on this.