Taxidermist in Equestria

by whatmustido

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Original Character, Comedy, Gilda
Length: 2382

Gilda plots a unique revenge using her human taxidermist friend

Anon has been living in Equestria for some time, and has very little to show for it. Shunned away from most cities, he finds solitude of a sort in Ponyville. But there are few places for an omnivore to satisfy all his appetites, so when he meets a fellow omnivore, both parties find more uses from the other than they'd expect.

Published 2013-01-20 07:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-20 07:30:02 UTC

Of Beavers and Griffins...

You are Anonymous, human extraordinaire! Extraordinary because you’re the only fucking human in Equestria. You live in Ponyville because the looks you got in big cities made you rather uncomfortable while the looks you got in the tiny towns were full of hate and distrust.

Ponyville’s an okay place. Plenty of different races—diamond dogs nearby, a few griffins that pass through, a dragon, and a number of herbivorous races—so while you stand out it’s not as bad as it could be. The big problem you have is that meat is a bitch to come by. Sure, the ponies are okay with you eating it—they’ll even take some from you if you offer it—but they don’t tend to go out of their way to stock it.

And you really aren’t a hunter. The last time you tried going into the Whitetail Woods to get dinner, you got chased up a tree by a bear and had to be rescued by Fluttershy.

You don’t want to talk about the time you tried the Everfree. Let’s just say that you will never make a racist joke against zebras again. Not that you did originally, of course. Even if they do remind you of nig—Nope, not making racist jokes.

When you found out that there was a fucking dragon living in Ponyville, you assumed that he of all people would have a steady source of meat flowing in. You learned why assumptions were bad the day you met Spike. That little fucker was the biggest pussy you’ve ever met and if he didn’t have a crush on Rarity you’d suspect that the only meat he’d ever get would be pushed into him from the exit hole.

Yeah, you have a little bit of a problem with gays… Before you came to Ponyville you tried living in a little placed called Appleoosa. You ran into a… very friendly pony named Braeburn. After a few weeks of not noticing his advances and then pointedly ignoring them in the hopes that they would stop, you were given a choice: Put out, be on the next train out of town, or accept some unpleasant frontier justice.

Not that Braeburn was the one giving you the ultimatum, of course. He was, as you said, uncomfortably friendly. No, that honor belonged to a female pony that had a crush on him but realized he was gay and wanted him to be happy. God, that’s an entire story unto itself, and will be relegated to another time.

But not all gays are bad. Rainbow Dash, though she’s so far into the closet she’s seeing Christmas presents, is an awesome one. In fact, it’s her that introduced you to your only source of meat in this hellhole: a griffin named Gilda.

Oh sure, Gilda’s pretty much a total bitch, but she’s a useful total bitch. All you have to do is say the right words and she’ll do pretty much whatever you need.

And that brings you to where you are today: Your house on the outskirts of Ponyville. “What the hay are you staring at, dweeb?” Gilda snarled before downing a fifth of hard cider. She wasn’t in all that good of a mood after a falling out with Dash and the rest of the town, so she was chilling in your house for now.

“Just a featherbrain, nothing more,” you said, leaning back in your chair. Her eyes narrowed in anger, but you continued, “Some very nice feathers, too. Did you spend a lot of time preening recently? Not a one out of place.” It took a mix of trial, error, and some of Twilight’s shitty romance novels about predator/prey relationships, but you figured out how to press some of Gilda’s buttons.

She relaxed. “Feh. Buckin’ ponies…” She tossed aside her glass and grabbed the bottle. “Just wanted to spend some time with a friend, and that pink whorse had to ruin it. That little yellow one isn’t much better, either.” She sighed and gulped some of the alcohol down. It was strong for ponies and griffins, but it didn’t do much for you.

You have no idea what she’s talking about. You generally avoid going into town as much as possible since quite frankly you don’t much like ponies. “I don’t know what’s got you in a slump. But… I bet I know what would get you out of it. If you’re sober enough to hunt, I’m sober enough to cook.” Now that was one thing you could do.

She grimaced and lifted the bottle to her beak again before realizing it was empty. She dropped it from her talons and stood, listing a little to the right. “I got an even better idea.” She gave you the barest hint of a grin from her beak. “You wait here. I’ll be right back.”

From the way she was stumbling, you weren’t certain she could go anywhere. You also didn’t really care, though. She’s been able to pull through for you so far, so if she failed this time, you wouldn’t hold it against her.

But even if she didn’t manage to get some tasty, tasty animal flesh for you, both of you could eat vegetables. And after all the alcohol she drank, you knew she’d be hungry when and if she managed to get back.

You went into your kitchen and started preparing.

You are temporarily Gilda. “Buckin’ yellow quiet,” you muttered as you unsteadily flew to a small cabin on the edge of the forest. “Getting all the ponies riled up at me! I’ll show her.”

You get to Fluttershy’s humble domicile and begin circling it from high in the air, hoping none of the critters saw you. You knew she kept a ton of animals in that place, you just had to find them.

It didn’t take you long to spot a large group of beavers setting up a small dam in the little stream in front of her house. You grin and plan an attack.

Come on, Gilda. Let’s show those ponies how a predator deals with problems.

Grinning, you swoop down and nab three beavers, one in each talon and another in your beak. You quickly slam two of their heads together while crushing the life out of the one in your beak. With your wings pushing you away as quickly as you could move, the final beaver never knew where his friends went.

You make it back to Anon’s house quickly enough. For a freaky ape-thing, he’s a pretty cool dude. Much better than those herbivore ponies, that’s for sure. And ugh, that bucking pussy dragon. Of anyone in Ponyville, you expected at least him to have been cool.

Oh well. You grab all three beavers with one hand and push open his door. “Rev up those fryers, cause I sure am hungry for one big, hairy beaver burger!”

Anon pokes his head out of the kitchen, looking at you with an intense confusion. It slowly dawned on you what you said and you glare at him. “Get your mind out of the gutter and cook these damn beavers!” You throw them into the kitchen and they slide across the floor.

Anon finally starts giggling as he collects the beavers. He inspects one of them before saying, “These were really clean kills. Back where I come from I could get a load of money stuffing these.”

You snort. “Stuffing them with what? Your freaky monkey dick? I can’t imagine anypony would pay to see that.”

“You’d be surprised,” he quietly muses, putting one of the beavers on his counter. “But no, stuffing and preserving them. Basically, using the skins and some of the other body parts to make a replica of the animal. I was a professional at it, had clients from all over the planet. I wonder if I could still make it work without any of my tools…”

Gears start grinding in your alcohol-inflicted mind. You already got revenge by taking some of her animals… But what if you went the extra mile? A dark grin appears on your face. “A hundred bits if you stuff the three of them.” Your dad’s a rich fuck, he’ll never question the missing bits.

Anon jerks his head toward you, surprised etched across his face. “Seriously?” You nod, your smile deepening. “You won’t see me turn it down… Give me three days. I’ll have to get some stuff from town.”

This Anon guy really isn’t that bad. You look him up and down as he grabs a knife from a rack. Maybe you’ll think of a… special way to reward him.

As his knife enters the beaver and you smell fresh blood, you feel your stomach gurgle.

…Well, you can put off that reward until after he cooks you dinner.

You are Anon again, and it has been… an interesting few days. After you skinned the beavers and successfully cooked the three of them, Gilda jumped your bones.

The writers of Twilight’s shitty romance novels got griffin anatomy and stamina very wrong. They did not, however, get their libido wrong. You had been almost completely chaste in your three years in Equestria, and even you were able to fuck Gilda silly. It was… an interesting experience. Not one you particularly wanted in the first place, but you might be willing to try it again.

Even with Gilda doing her best to distract you from your work, you were still able to successfully preserve all three beavers. They were not even close to your best work because you had almost no tools at all, but they are extremely well done for the conditions.

Thankfully, almost every animal has natural chemicals in their brain that, when boiled, can be used to tan and preserve their hide. Using that knowledge and some jury rigging with random stuff you had around the house, you soon had three semi-lifelike beavers.

Four days after Gilda asked you to work on it, the two of you stood looking over your work. “…Really, Anon?”

“What? I never said they would be perfect. And honestly, there isn’t a soul alive that could do better with my conditions. Few tools, no materials… It’s the best you’re going to get on such short notice.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’ll have your bits to you in a few days.” She pokes you with a talon before running it down your side. “And if this works out well, there might be more… work for you later.”

She grabs the beavers and starts walking to the door. You hold it open for her and ask, “What are these for, anyway?” as she walks past.

She grins. “Just a gift for a friend.” She continues on her way as you shrug, closing the door behind her.

You really need a drink and some ice for your pelvis…

You’re Gilda again. You fly over to yellow quiet’s house again and, using your amazing speed, drop the beavers off right next to where you abducted them the first time. You waste no time getting high enough in the air to be out of any of the animals’ sights before circling above the area.

Then you just fly and watch, hoping to see her reaction. Eventually, you see her walking—walking, a pegasus!—in from town, a little white bunny at her side. When she sees the three dead beavers you left near her house, her mouth opens wide and she rushes at them, pulling all three bodies into a hug before taking them inside.

You move in closer and are rewarded by hearing a scream of horror. Your grin turns feral as you shoot your wings out and quickly soar off, your revenge complete.

…Or is it? You think about that little white bunny and the smile on your face just grows and grows.

You are Anonymous. It’s been about three days since you gave Gilda her beavers, whatever they were for. You were currently on your way into town to get some supplies; even if you did have a griffin fuck-buddy bringing you meat, you still needed other things you could only get in town.

And you had a special order to pick up from the town’s resident overpowered unicorn, Twilight.

When you opened the door to the town’s library, you were met with loud sobs. Maybe Rarity finally told Spike to leave her alone and find a good stallion. You continue walking in and spot Twilight trying to cheer up a sobbing Fluttershy as books fly around them, opening and closing at random.

“Fluttershy, I know you’re sad, but surely there’s some kind of hint in one of these books! If we don’t look we’ll never know!”

Twilight pushes a book into Fluttershy’s face, but that only makes her cry harder, curling into a little ball.

You clear your throat, not wanting to intrude for long. Twilight spares a small glance for her friend before looking up to you and smiling. “Oh, Anon! I finished your order, though honestly I can’t imagine what you would use paste like this for.”

You asked her to help you make a special kind of glue that you could use to mold animal skins with. “It has its uses, Miss Twilight,” you answered, pulling out a bag of bits. “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, no charge. You know I don’t charge you for help with any of your human ideas!”

You grin. Twilight was one of the more tolerable ponies in this place. And God was she adorkable. “Thank you, Twilight.” She floats the large jar of paste over to you. “I would stay and talk, but it looks like you have your hooves full.” You both give the sniffling yellow pegasus a small glance before your eyes meet again. “Take care, I suppose.”

She nods, putting a hoof on Fluttershy’s back and rubbing it. “You too, Anon.”

You leave her shop behind, a bounce in your step. The reason you needed this paste so badly was because Gilda got more work for you. For some reason, she wanted you to do a little diorama with a baby alligator and a white rabbit. You were quite looking forward to seeing how that one would come out…