The Joker and The Rose.

by Lillacloud

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 29934

[Set in the Chess Game of the Gods universe] 100 years before the show a boy is brought to Equestria. As it always is with human teenagers he gets in trouble on the double, hilarity and randomness ensues.

[Set in the CGotG universe created by Rust and blasted off at the speed of light by Blackwing]

I find myself stranded in Equestria 100 years before the actual events of the show, the one that brought me here has given me the task to babysit his daughter. However, knowing myself i immediately get into trouble with none other than the entire Equestrian military. With a bit of luck, wits and good ol' human ingenuity i start my own band of misfits to try and stand against the sun goddess herself as she aims to hunt me down.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-05 06:30:03 UTC

(1) To accidentally go where no man has gone before.

"The mooring line! Grab the mooring line!" The dock worker shouted, The large ship slowly entered the sky-dock, the hull groaning and scraping against the edge of the platform

"Steady as she goes." Silver Shield said in a clear and reassuring voice.

"You have been saying that ever since we left Canterlot sir." The first mate pointed out.

"Oh quiet Godfrey this is the first time i have ever done this, and its Captain to you."

*Sigh* "Yes Captain." Godfrey replied.

The ship slowly came to a halt.

"There, that wasn't so bad was it?" Silver Shield said to the first mate.

"Extraordinary work Si- I mean, Extraordinary work Captain " Godfrey said with a toneless almost depressed voice, the same he had kept ever since he realized who was to be the captain on this journey.

"Now, Princess Celestia said that she had felt a powerful magic coming from this place, since this is so far away from Canterlot it had to be very powerful if she could sense it all the way here, even with her skill in magic," Silver shield said, his mind filled with worry about what kind of power they would find here. "She said it could even be more powerful than the elements of harmony... and if its that powerful, it must be either destroyed or if possible captured, for the greater good of Equestria."

"Now where to find it?" he continued.

"May i suggest the local watering hole, Captain?" Godfrey pointed to a building further downhill close to the river, a sign depicting a large tankard hanging above the door.

"Yes, that would be a good a place as any to start looking, Godfrey Prepare the men to walk asho-... eeeh, we are not on water and the river downhill has the only shore, what do they call it when you walk of an airship?" Silver Shield said with a confused look on his face.

"I really don't know Captain, I have never been aboard a flying ship before either." Godfrey said.

"Oh yeah, this is the first of its model, we should have brought somebody who knows how to work this thing... and you really need to lighten up from time to time Godfrey, It would do you good." Silver Shield replied to Godfrey's Tone.

"Well what do you expect? I'm a 50 year old sailor that has stood before the mast long before your father was born Captain, this is what happens then." Godfrey said as he looked upon the mainsail with his big grey eyes, in fact his whole body was a mixture of different shades of grey, his coat, his mane, his tail and his eyes were all in grey.

Silver Shield shuddered, "Well i better not stay to long on a boat then, but anyway, as i said prepare the men to walk... uuuhm, Dammit i am just going to call it 'walk ashore' no matter if there is a shore or not!" Silver Shield exclaimed in a frustrated tone.

"I will get the men ready." Godfrey started walking down the stairs from the helm.

--- Several miles north of the village, deep underground in a Diamond dog den. ---

I heard the sound of a metal door opening and closing.

I rustled around in the chair i was tied to, trying to shake some blood into my numb limbs.

"Resistance is useless." Said a voice that sounded more like a bark. "Who are you?" it then continued with same barking noise.

"How about you undo these ropes that ties me to this chair and maybe i will tell you my name the last few seconds before you die." I replied to the gruff voice.

The voice laughed, which honestly sounded more like a mixture of coughing and suffocating at the same time.

"You are no place to make threats baldie." It said with the same limited vocabulary as a 4 year old.

"Baldie!? Did you see the hair on my head before you put this soggy bag over my head?"

"You are first thing walking on two legs that no has fur, no feathers, no scale covering body i have seen." It said.

"Well, like they say in America, 'there's a first time for everything."

"Whats an America?" the voice said with a dumbfounded tone.

"Never mind that, are you going to take this bag off or am i gonna have to release a can of whoop ass on you?"

The voice laughed again.

"You are real funny guy. But what are you? You no Griffon, no dog, no pony."

I decided to avoid that question for now, this was obviously not a human being.

Instead i went with a cliche move, sure it might get me killed but i JUST CAN'T RESIST MYSELF!

"Take me to your leader." 'Pheeew... I've always wanted to say that.' i thought to myself.

"Why should i?" The dog said with a curious voice.

"Because then i will tell you what i am."

I could hear the dog thinking, the one cogwheel in its head turning.

"Okay, i take you to leader."

"Good dog."

'This thing isn't very smart, luckily curiosity and stupidity go so well together.' i thought to myself.

I felt what i thought was two giant hands grabbing hold of the bag over my head and drag it away...  I was wrong. Before my eyes stood a big dog with grayish fur on its back legs, its bulky paws grabbing me, chair and everything, lifting me up and dragging me away out the door and down the hallway.

'Well i was right about the not being human part, but seriously what the fuuuuuuuu-?'

I looked up at the strange dogs face.

"You couldn't find a better way to move me?" i said trying to get somewhat comfortable with him holding me under his arms.

"Not many chairs in den, if you want to sit while talking to leader you will need chair." the dog replied.

"Yeah well you couldn't just untie me and i could carry the chair myself?"

The dog stopped for what seemed to be an eternity or two, hard to tell in such an uncomfortable position, thought about it and then spoke. "No, this way annoy you more, more fun for me." It said with a smile on its face, at least i think it was a smile, it could just have been that it had recently devoured a sack of lemons.

"Right, ha ha very funny." i replied, my comment so loaded with sarcasm that this buffoon didn't seem to pick up on, lucky for me.

"Resistance is useless" It said in a monotone voice.

After a few minutes of continuous rocking back and forth under the right arm of the big dog, we finally got to a door. The dog opened the door, dragged me in and put me down at the end of a table, he then went back, closed the door and stood next to it in the room with me.

The dog then pulled in a lever by the wall, a ringing voice soon filled the room.

"My god is that annoying! Shut it off!" I yelled at the dog behind me.

"Wait." it replied simply.

The ringing noise stopped.

I looked around in the room i was in. In front of me was an old table, its surface covered with claw marks, coffee spills and what could only be described as a mixture of guacamole and Chili con carne, though i doubt that is what it really was.

At the opposite end of the room there was another door, its handle suddenly turned and it slowly opened.

If i thought the dog behind me was big, this thing was gargantuan! The dog was so tall that it had to bend its back to not hit its head against the ceiling.

This giant beast also came with an even rougher voice, bellowing out a command behind me. I could hear the scuttling of claws against smooth stone behind him. how it was possible for me to understand what it was saying will most likely riddle me for years to come.

The Giant dog sat down opposite me of the table on another scrawny chair.

"Who are you?" It said with a voice that sounded like an avalanche continuously took place in it's throat.

"This again? Can't we just say that i'm an inanimate object, and then you can put me in the corner so that i can get to work on getting this overly complicated knot up so i can escape." I said while trying to get a good grab at the knot behind my back.

"Resistance is useless." Said the dog guard behind me.

"Haha, you are very funny, but i am not like these simple-toons, i actually have a brain bigger than my eyeball." Said the big dog.

"I'll believe it when i see it, which i will once I've stomped it out of your head."

"Resistance is useless." The guard dog said once again.

"So you keep saying." I replied.

"You are in no position to make threats." The huge dog opposite me spoke.

"Oh shut up you mutt," i  i raised my right leg and slammed it down on the wooden floor to make my point, however i had not accounted for that the board i had hit with my foot was loose, abiding the laws of physics usually found in cartoons, the other end of the board flew up precisely between the legs of the dog sitting opposite me, i could hear a wet crunch. The dogs face turned into some kind of mixture of pain, anger and complete and utter despair... also several shades of purple.

"Well... that works i guess," i said as i then heaved both my legs up, flipping the table in the air, hitting the big dog in the lower jaw.

I fell backwards, doing a complete back roll and landing on my legs, my upper body still tied to the chair. I shot myself backwards and towards the guard dog behind me who was still laughing at the facial expression of his... companion? No, boss would be a better description.

The chair hit his ribs and emptied his lungs of air, the only sound coming out of his mouth was a quick "Oof!".

With both the dogs down i quickly released the knot i had been holding, the rope loosened and i slid it off my body, "Can't be easy tying ropes with those big claws." I said with the first lungful of air I've had in several hours. 'just because they are bad at making knots doesn't mean that they are bad at making it tight.' I then took one end of the rope and tied it around the guard dog.

I turned around to see that the other dog was lying on the floor holding both his paws between his legs and whimpering.

I walked up to him, smacked my foot down at the side of his head, he looked up to me and said: "The others will get you." with a high pitch voice that sounded like he had inhaled a years worth of helium.

I simply replied, "You are in no position to make threats." Before raising my foot again and smacking it down harder on his head, rendering him unconscious for the next couple of hours.

"Have a couple of aspirin and call me in the morn'" i said, wishing i had a pair of shades i could put on at that very moment.

Speaking of putting on something, it was not until now that i realized that i was wearing a black tuxedo with a purple shirt and bow tie. 'Okay, can't remember putting this on.'

The door that the boss dog had come from suddenly burst open. In the doorway stood two other dogs.

They took a long look at the scene in front of them, a guard in the corner tied up, their boss lying on the floor unconscious  with a strange creature standing over it... but by far the most horrid... the table!

"YOU BROKE TABLE!" One of the dogs barked out.

I looked around at the mess surrounding me, then down at my clothing, i looked up again and simply replied: "Yes, the doctor will see you now."

The other dog took word now. "That was last table! I will spill your guts!"

Both of the dogs came rushing towards me, their claws extended and their fangs showing.

I quickly grabbed one of the legs from the table, easily ripping it off since the table was half rotten, smashing one of the dogs in the face in a upward motion, he did a half backwards flip landing on his back.

The other dog pounced me, tearing away at my left arm.

"HEY! I need that!" I said, shoving the broken table leg into the side of the dog.

A quick yelp escaped the dogs mouth followed by blood, rolling over from me clenching the wound that i had opened by its rib cage.

I quickly got up, assessing the situation i realized that i had just taken out 4 dogs double my size, my left arm brutalized and bloody, the adrenaline keeping the pain at bay for now, but it would start hurting like hell soon.

I started walking to the door, as i went through it i looked back at the mess i had made and thought 'I can't believe that worked.' A smirk appearing on my face. Seconds later i ran down the corridor on the other side of the door.

I passed door after door but decided to keep on going to the end.

I quickly came to a walkway, sitting on the side of a wall in what seemed to be a giant underground chasm. Down below i could hear the distant sound of mining picks smashing against stone. Up above i saw a rocky roof, lit with torches sitting in holes in the Stalagmites.

'Those might be useful in combat, however i will need some way to knock them loose.' I thought.

The walkway went around in a big circle, leading into different rooms. In the middle of the open area was a set of wires that apparently was supposed to be some sort of lift.

Looking around i soon realized that the only way up and out was through the lift. I saw how sunlight was shining down from the elevator shaft that stuck out down from the roof. To get to the lift i had to go down to the lowest floor and ride it up. I decided to go left, running to a ladder nearby, i grabbed the ladder and quickly slid down to the bottom.

"Ow ow ow ow OW OW OW!" i said as the friction of holding the bars made my hands burn.

'That was stupid,' i thought to myself as i hit the ground and put my hands in my armpits.

The floor of what i assumed to be the mining shaft was rocky and irregularly formed. I climbed to a better position to check if i  could make my way to the lift.

What i saw was mindbogglingly disturbing. Slaves, mining away at the rock, their bodies weak and unourished, some of them were completely black, with holes in their legs and their... wings? almost transparent and bug like. They had the outlook of horses except smaller, but there were other creatures as well. A mixture of Lion and Eagle, griffins from ancient Greek mythology, now alive in front of me. I saw "regular" horses as well, if you could call them regular. Some of them had horns, using what appeared to be magic to scan for precious gems underneath the earth. There were Pegasi too, Their wings tied to their bodies with chains so they could not escape, same with the Griffins.

They all looked cartoonish, now that i thought about it, everything looked like i had stumbled upon a cartoon series. Everything had a thin black outline surrounding its edges and even in this dark mine the colours seemed brighter than reality usually would allow.

'Oh what kind of fresh hellhole have i managed to get myself into?'

My thoughts were quickly interrupted by yet another barking voice.

"HEY! Why are you not working!" I heard coming from directly behind me.

Before i could turn around i felt something pushing me in the back, most likely a paw, i fell down the small hill i had chosen for a better view.

The only view i was currently seeing though was the ground racing quickly towards me.

'This is going to hurt.' i thought moments before i hit the ground.

--- Back in the village ---

The door to the tavern flung open, Silver Shield walked in with Godfrey right behind him.

Their entrance had gone largely unnoticed by the taverns customers, the bar was filled with ruffians of all colours and forms, he saw Griffons, Diamond Dogs and all three types of ponies. He walked over to the bar, the bartender was an old earth pony with thick brown fur and a talent mark showing the same tankard of ale as the one outside on both his flanks.

The new visitors approached the bar, some of the other customers eyes following them.

"Hello, have you heard any rumors going around lately?" Silver Shield asked.

The bartender gave them a quick look before answering. "No, nothing going on all the way up here." He said before going back to scrubbing the mug he was holding.

Silver Shield sighed, he knew the bartender was hiding something, they always were in these parts, "Maybe this will help loosen your memory." he said while swinging a sack in front of the bartenders face, the faint sound of coins clinking together could be heard from inside the sack.

The bartender gave them another look, before he took the sack and put it behind the counter. He leaned in and whispered in a hushed tone "There is a Diamond Dog den north of here, i heard they managed to capture a dragon, apparently they are supposed to be magical creatures, but other than that there is nothing."

He then leaned back behind the bar table again. "Now if you aren't here to order anything i suggest you get out." He said with a rude tone.

Silver Shield gave the bartender a quiet stare as he walked back towards the door. Godfrey who had kept silent this whole time finally spoke, "Maybe we should take a look at this Diamond dog den, Captain?"

"Hey, i call the shots here... and yes, lets see if the d-dog den is the source. Lets go back to the ship and prepare for departure."

--- Further north back in the den ---

I woke up to the sound of howling and hooting. I looked around and saw a crowd of dogs surrounding me.

"Oh so the pup is finally awake!" Said the same gruff voice i heard before i got pushed.

I tried to get up only to discover that my right shoulder had been dislocated and my left arm still being completely ripped apart by the guard dog earlier, gave me some trouble getting up.

But finally i got to my feet, only to realize that the pain in my left arm was starting to get worse and my right shoulder aching like hell, i realized that i was in no condition to fight these dogs off.

Not that i had any chance before, sure i had taken martial arts classes but for that you needed to have both your arms working. Only kicking wouldn't help here, i had the suit for it but i needed to have thin eyebrows with spirals at the end and blond hair, and maybe a cigarette.

I scanned my surroundings, The crowd of dogs had started to come closer, the one that had kicked me was standing opposite me ready to strike again.

This dog must have been the big boss, he was a solid 3 meter tall beast, he wore armor made out of some sort of scaly material, the edges of the scales looked like they could cut diamond.

On his back hanged a large broadsword made out of the same scales as his armor, but this was just one big scale, encrusted in gems that shone in the torchlight like a thousand stars.

'Oh just... lovely.'

I took a step back but felt that there was nothing to step on, i looked at the ground behind me and discovered that there was no ground, just a massive dark pit. I looked over the edge and the further down my sight went the darker it got. The pit seemed bottomless.

"Anything to say before i kill you?" The armored dog said.

"Yeah, how far a drop is that?" I asked, looking back at the dog approaching me, pointing a thumb behind me towards the looming pit.

"Oh that hole there leads all the way down to Tartarus, We will be having dinner before you hit the bottom!" It said with a chilled voice.

The dogs around howling, hooting and screaming even more to "HAVOC! HAVOC! HAVOC! HAVOC!"

'Kind of odd screaming that in a fight.'

The giant dog took another step, crouching low as he made ready to pounce.

'Oh great, i guess this is the end... and i haven't even had breakfast yet!'

"Well crap, i guess i can't get out of this one." I simply stated.

"Any last words... pup!" The dog practically spat the last word out.

"Last words are for fools who haven't said enough! Just get on with it already!" I said with a chilled voice.

The crowd went silent. The armored dog spoke: "So be it."

He leaped towards me, digging his claws into my chest. The utter force of his momentum pressing the razor sharp claws deeper in towards my ribs.

He stopped right at the edge, digging his back feet into the ground, his claws slipping out of me as i continued forwards in the air.

Before i knew it, i fell, further and further down into the dark abyss, I looked up and saw the dogs standing close to the edge watching me fall, pointing and laughing. Their laughter filled my ears as i continued to fall.

After a while the pain in my arm, shoulder and chest became too much, i faded in and out of consciousness several times,

I saw how the walls got closer, the hole was getting narrow, i feared that i might hit the walls and have my body splatter into a thousand pieces, but then they opened up into an even greater underground chamber, this one was much larger than the one i had been falling from, it seemed to never end, the weak light from above not making much of an effort to pierce through the darkness.

I looked down towards my imminent destination, i saw a large black lake stretching further away into the darkness.

'Oh no, not again,' My thoughts was cut off by the impact of my body hitting the water.

(2) A fathers last wish.

My hand pierced the surface and reached out of the dark water, i tried to find something to grab onto but something kept pulling me down, finally after several painful seconds that felt more like several hours my hand caught something steady.

I heaved myself up, reaching with my other hand over the edge. After pulling myself up i sputtered and coughed up all the blackened liquid, lying on my back for a solid hour trying to catch my breath was a relief i very much welcomed.

When my brain finally started to work properly again i sat up trying to look around in the darkness. The hole i had fallen through was now nothing but a tiny dot far up, barely visible. The thing my hand had caught and saved my life was the edge between the dark water and solid rock.

After my eyes finally adjusted to the darkness i noticed that my tuxedo was completely untouched by the dark water, and so was my entire body, i was dry like a desert.

"Well that saves me from having a cold at least." However the thing that really caught my eyes were my wounds... or actually the lack of wounds, the tattered clothing indicated where the giant dog-like creatures had dug in with its claws, but the skin beneath it was completely unscathed, apart from a few scars there really was no sign of me having been mortally wounded.

"Oookay, either i am wolverine or this is some kind of miracle water." I ran my hand across the scars, the tissue was rough and thicker than the smooth skin surrounding it. The largest scar reached from my lower right hip all the way up to my left shoulder, barely missing my navel by a few centimeters.

I counted to a total of 8 scars all going different directions making my chest look like a game of Mikado. Not to mention my arm, the dog guard had gone completely berserk on it and it looked downright silly with all the scars. To my horror i noticed that my left ring-finger was missing at the first joint from my knuckle and out. "Well shits, i guess i will have some trouble if i ever get married... and some explaining to do." My previously dislocated right shoulder was back in its place but it felt a bit weird moving it around, like if something had been permanently shifted. Other than that my right arm was fine, it had taken no damage from the fighting.

"Yosh!" I leaped up and started looking around for any means of getting out of here. A few meters from me stood a large rectangular boulder, its top flattened. I jumped up on the large rock and heard the distinctive clinking of metal. Not paying any mind to this i tried to peer through the darkness but to no avail, i could not see jack shit in this darkness.

It was at that point i reacted to the sound i had heard when i jumped on the boulder, shifting my feet on the surface i realized that it was not of the same material as the stone, it felt like wood and metal.

I jumped off what i no longer considered to be a rock and inspected the dark object further. Through the perfect shape of it and the multiple iron handles it had on it i quickly realized that it was exactly what i thought it was, a chest.

"Sweet! loot!" I quickly found the clasp keeping the lid closed and flipped it over, i tried to lift the lid off but it sat tight. I tried again and this time it worked. The lid flew up with the sound of opening a can of cola, that distinctive 'Psssshhhh' sound when the carbon had been pent up too long. But instead of coming out the air was coming in, the inside of the chest had been preserved completely in vacuum.

The sudden force had knocked me on my back and i quickly scrambled to the chest and looked inside it, the first thing i noticed was a tiny yellow crystal the size of my thumb emitting a very weak light. I picked up the crystal holding it in my hand, it was not warm like a light-bulb but neither was it completely cold. I put the tiny gem on the edge of the chest to shine light upon the other content of the box. The second thing, which the yellow crystal had been lying on, was a piece of folded paper. I picked up and unfolded the old parchment, text on it was written with some kind of golden ink.

"Greetings Human, I understand that you might be confused or even scared by the sudden turn of events in your life, do not fear for everything was planned into the last detail, the chest before you contains a sword, this sword holds my daughter, through great misfortune she was destined to die at the hands of a disease called cutie pox. In my last desperate attempt to save her life i bound her soul and essence into the ruby at the hilt of the sword. Now that you know it is my fault you are here i fully understand that you might be very angry. But please, i ask of you to take care of my daughter in my place, she is very dear to me and i would hate for her powers to be abused, thus i have called upon you from beyond the stars to keep my daughter safe from harm, do this and i will forever be in your debt. - Star Swirl the Bearded."

Sitting there for a good 10 minutes trying to comprehend what the fuck i had just read, the only words i was able to squeeze out of my mouth was: "That is one wacko name, i wonder what his parents were sniffing."

Putting the note aside i took another look in the chest, the one thing that caught my eyes was a fedora. It fit on my head perfectly, if i angled it right then it would cover my eyes.

"Alright the letter said something about a sword." I looked down into the chest and found just that.

The scabbard was straight, ellipse shaped and clad with golden ornate, the crossguard and hilt had the same shape but without golden decorative. The crossguard was the same size as the scabbard fitting perfectly together with just a tiny slit between them, the hilt was bound in leather to grant extra grip so that it didn't slip from the hands, however it was short, only meant to be held in one hand. The pommel was a single cut ruby fitted into a socket on the end of the hilt, inside it i could see ripples depicting a rose like it was trapped inside the crimson stone. the ruby was humming slightly with light and it cast a reddish colour upon my hands.

I gripped the hilt of the sword and pulled the blade out, it was beautiful. White as milk, double edged and a one centimeter flat broad side between the edges on both sides of the blade, you could knock a opponent out or cut them down however you angled the sword. The metal of the sword was nothing i had seen before, i was not even sure if it was metal, it was too light. In the rays of the yellow crystal i saw how ripples of colours shone like a thousand rainbows inside the sword as i turned the blade, whatever it was made of it had been folded a thousand times over itself. The blade alone was around 80 centimeters long and with the hilt and pommel it was give or take around 95 cm, with the scabbard about a full meter. I checked the tip of the scabbard and on it i found another gem, it had a tad grayish colour different from the sword and was smoothed on the tip of it, you couldn't use it as spear so it was most likely only there for show.

Sheathing the sword i checked the chest one last time for anything more, on the very bottom of the chest was a book with a cover in leather and golden ink text like the piece of paper before. A clasp was keeping the book closed.

I picked up the book and blew the dust off its cover, getting the last of it off with my hand. I read the title. "The complete works of Star Swirl the Bearded." I unhooked the clasp and opened the book, hoping to reveal some kind of mystical secrets or perhaps just a good story read. However i was disappointed when what i saw was page after page filled with strange unfamiliar symbols that meant nothing to me.

"A lot of fucking use this is to me!" I slammed the book shut and hooked the clasp in its place again.

I put the book in one of the inner pockets of my tuxedo and closed the chest. I took the parchment and put it in with the book, i then took the yellow crystal and put it in my pocket.

"Okay lets see." I took out the parchment again and read the part about this bearded guy having a daughter. "So she is inside the ruby." I took the sword and looked at the crimson gem sitting in its socket at the end of the grip. "Eeyupp, this guy was clearly taking something strong."

Even if the ruby did hold said daughter i had no idea how to get her out. "Maybe in the book." I put the parchment back and took out the book again. Opening it up and quickly turning to the last page i saw a little note in yet again the same freaking golden ink saying. "To awaken my daughter from her slumber you need someone that possesses great knowledge in the school of magic, if there is no one with such qualification... god help you."

"Oh, so i have to rely on god in this matter, yeah that's just fine since he has helped me out with oh so many other things in the past!" Sarcasm usually don't work on books and neither did it this time. I once again shut the book and put it in my inner pocket.

I sat there on the chest for a good hour or so cursing the fact that i didn't have any matches to burn this infernal book with.

But after said hour or so had passed i was interrupted with a sound coming from above, as i looked up i could see how something was blocking the hole and was also descending towards me.

"Scheize! It must be the dogs coming down to finish the job." I had completely forgot that they had an elevator. It was my original plan of escape until i was thrown down here. I guess its time to try again now that i had some way of defending myself.

I hid behind the chest, waiting for the elevator to land.

I heard a loud *Thump* as the elevator touched the ground. In the light of the lantern that was hanging from a hook above the steel cage i saw a pair of short horses, the same sort i had seen before, mining away at the rocks above. But instead of looking starved and on the brink of death they appeared to be healthy and somewhat normal looking, if you could call it that. I hadn't gotten the chance to fully look at these cartoonish ponies. It felt like i had seen these things before, but i couldn't quite place it. Their coat and mane was white as clouds and they were wearing golden armor and a short sword at their side that reflected in the single source of light from the lantern.

"Can't believe the captain made us do this, i don't care what we are looking for the last place i want to be is here." The pony stepped out of the cage.

"At least we don't have to be up there and clear the rest of the den out, did we lose anybody in the raiding?"

"Nobody i know, but i think we will have some casualties when we return home."

"Yeah, if we ever find whatever got Princess Celestia worked up, I have never seen her so scared before, she almost panicked when she felt the supposed 'magical tremor'"

"Yeah but to feel it all the way from here, i know she is strong with magic but this is ridiculous."

"Maybe she just wanted Silver Shield out of the picture for a while."

"They still fighting about that thing that happened with the grand galloping gala?"

"Yeah, it was crazy."

"Sorry to interrupt your chit chat but i just wanted to tell you i need to borrow this." I said, standing by the elevator which the two ponies had walked away from.

The two golden clad ponies turned around. "What the? Who are you!?" The right pony asked, the left one immediately drew his sword with his mouth.

I sighed. I had never been in a sword fight before, but i had always been a quick learner. "Well at least i tried." I turned 90 degrees showing them my right side. 'Now i wont be such a big target at least.' i thought as i drew my new sword,i could see the sound sending shivers down the ponies spines.

I pointed my sword at the pony nearest me, "En Garde you furry fiend!" Giving the sword a few swings through the air.

The pony started walking towards me, weapon drawn and at the ready, when suddenly the other pony cried out. "No wait, we need him alive, the captain will want him for questioning."

"I can't promise anything." The other one replied, his voice slightly muffled by the sword in his mouth.

The pony started charging towards me, a moment before impact i sidestepped to the right and watched as the pony tried to stop but to no avail, he started slipping over the smooth surface of the rock. He flew straight past me and collided with the metal door of the cage headfirst and was knocked unconscious instantaneously.

'Are you fucking kidding me?' i thought as i turned to the other pony. I saw how his hoof hit his face as he grunted.

"Okay so are you going to fight seriously or should i just step aside for you to do the same thing?" I gestured towards the pony lying next to the elevator with my sword, a slight bump starting to swell on his forehead, tongue lolled out dribbling saliva and eyes spinning wildly, i could almost see the stars and birds circling his head.

The pony shook his head and looked at me. "He was never the one for thinking ahead." The pony drew his own sword with his mouth. He approached me slowly taking his time and being careful about where to put his hooves.

He quickly threw two swings at me which i easily parried, seeing as how he used his mouth to hold the sword, rendering him incapable of putting some real strength into his blows. Plus i was much taller, his head was around my lower chest level. 'This is hardly a challenge.' I responded with a few swings of my own, he was quick to parry but i still managed to get a hit by the cheek, i saw how blood started spilling out of the small cut.

"It must really be hard having to only use your mouth for holding everything." I said.

A flew more blows followed by a few more parries.

"Oh we cang holg thingsch wick ao hoovsch but wheng ik comesch ko fighking wik tchree legsch i' takesch yearsch ohf practisch." He spluttered with his mouth holding the sword.

"Okay, i will get the Pentagons top cryptologists to try and figure out what the fuck you just said." i replied.

The armored pony stopped and stood there, his head tilting to the side. "Whut?" he asked me. He shook his head and looked me in the eyes. We continued our little exchange of offense and defense.

"You mentioned looking for something to your K-O'd friend over there, mind telling me so i know what to look out for when i am done with you?" I stepped up the attacks, he hardly managed to keep up due to the awkwardness of having to turn his head in weird angles each time he tried to defend himself.

"Ha, like i wou' kell you that."

"If i were you i would have learnt how to fight with three legs just so i didn't sound that silly when i talk." This time instead of going for the head and body i went for the legs, he had to bend his head down to protect his legs and that gave me a perfect opportunity to, with a strong swing of the scabbard in my left hand give a good solid *Thwack* in the back of his head.

He lifted his head and observed me with a queer look, suddenly the sword slipped out of his mouth as he slumped to the ground, the sword ringing a metallic clang as it hit the rock, while his body made a loud *Thud*.

I sheathed the sword. "Now i would just love to stay and chat but you ponies are no fun." I stepped into the elevator and pulled the lever, after a few seconds the steel cage jerked into motion as it was pulled up towards the hole.

--- At the top of the elevator. ---

"Remind me again why you took the two new recruits and sent them down to Tartarus." Silver Shield was furious at best.

He turned to one of his sergeants, a magenta colored unicorn mare by the name of Storm Caller.

"Well you see Captain, i didn't think that there would be anything down there since its just a hole and-" she was cut off by her captain.

"That there is a Tartarus pit, when the Diamond Dogs dig too deep and too greedily they dig all the way down to hell! Don't you realize that we are looking for something that is possibly more powerful than Celestia herself!? If those greenhorns have found it then they are most likely dead by now!"

"W-well surely they-" She was cut off by the elevator starting to move.

"See, i am sure that they are just fine, they probably didn't find anything." Storm Caller sounded relieved.

"I am not so sure about that, Men! Take up positions!" Everybody moved to surround the hole. The senior soldiers drew their swords with a hoof while the newer recruits used their mouths.

"At the ready!" Silver shield drew his own weapon, a large double headed battleaxe which required him to basically strap it to his right knee and forearm so that he could hold it.

Everybody was silent, the only noise that could be heard was the clinking of the chains that pulled the elevator up.

After a few minutes Silver shield heard a voice coming up from the hole.

"I can swing my sword-sword-sword my awesome sword-sword.

You could not afford-ford, ford my awesome sword sword!

I can swing my sword-sword!

I CAN SWING MY SWORD-SWORD!

Once i hit the floorboard but i had it re-"

The voice was cut of by the distinctive sound of metal hitting metal, the chain started wobbling.

"Whoa Nelly! I should put this away!" The mysterious voice continued.

"I guess the men did find something down there." Storm Caller held a rapier in her left hoof.

Once again the voice could be heard, Silver shield wasn't quite sure but it sounded like whoever was on the lift was singing.

"What will we do with a Drunken Whaler?"

"What will we do with a Drunken Whaler?"

"What will we do with a Drunken Whaler?"

"Early in the morning."

"Man this thing is fucking slow!"

Finally after what seemed like half an eternity the elevator reached them, inside stood a creature that Silver Shield had never seen before, instead of fur, feathers or scales it had clothes, a tuxedo with a fedora hat tipped forward covering his eyes, and an ornate staff under his left arm. The bipedal creature stepped out of the cage and stopped.

The creature spoke. "Well well well... welly welly well well... to what do i owe the pleasure of this surprising welcome?" The creature gestured towards the soldiers surrounding him.

"Last time i was here all i saw was mutts and slaves, that has now been replaced by this."  He stopped, facing Silver Shield. The creature slowly raised his head and looked him in the eyes.

Never before had Silver Shield seen such eyes, the left eye was violet and fierce while the right one was sickish bright green, both looked like they were glowing, almost burning.

Then he saw how the creatures eyes peered past Silver Shield on to the piles of diamond dog corpses, the slaves had been evacuated to the ship and the den had been cleared.

"I love what you have done with the place, mind the smell though, before it was like a wet dog but now its more of a 'inside the rotten carcass of a wet dog' smell." the creature waved its right hand in front of its nose.

"Who are you? Where are my men!?" Silver Shield pointed his axe towards the creature.

"Oh them, they are fine. Had to knock em out though, they weren't going to let me borrow the elevator." The creature looked back down into the pit it had came from.

"Who are you!?" Silver Shield repeated.

"Ces't moi!" The creature looked back to him, put its right hand on its chest and tried to look innocent. "Oh, i'm nobody. No i'm just a regular guy, pay me no mind. You should however go look after Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass down there." It pointed behind towards the gaping chasm behind it with its thumb.

"Captain!" He heard Storm Caller shout.

Silver Shield turned his head to the sergeant only to see her face dripping with sweat and her horn glowing.

"He- hes the one, the thing we're after, i can sense enormous magical resonance coming from him." She could barely stand up.

As she said that Silver Shield could see that the rest of his unit that possessed horns were also straining to stay conscious.

"We- we must stop him immediately, I... need to constantly... burn magic, or else i will overload... i... can't take it!"

Silver Shield saw how his sergeants eyes rolled back into her head and she fell to the ground, as if on cue all the other unicorns around him started dropping like flies.

Silver Shield could also feel it now, he was just an earth pony but even they had a connection to magic, his body felt heavy and slow.

'I need to stop this thing before i fall.' He thought. He approached the creature and readied himself for battle, but like approaching a large fire it only got worse the closer he got.

He saw in the corner of his eyes how the rest of his men started falling like a chain reaction. The air was filled with the sounds of armor, weapons and bodies hit the ground.

Silver Shields vision was blurring and his legs weaken.

'Must... not... faint... can't... no...' Silver Shield fell over and the last thing he saw was the creature standing there, untouched by the extreme force of magic emitting from it.

(3) Ain't that a kick in the head?

As i stood there, surrounded by knocked out ponies the one thing i felt the most was disappointment, i had really hoped for an epic battle or maybe a showoff with the gray pony wielding that fairly large axe. But no, it seems that they all decided to take a nap at the same time. So there i was left standing.

"Well... that was anticlimactic." I took a few steps towards the pony that had been referred to as 'Captain' and knelt next to him.

Checking his pulse and opening his eyelid i came to the conclusion that he was alive but his body had gone through some kind of shock.

So was the case with everybody else it seemed, i saw limbs twitch and some of them groaned but they were all knocked out cold.

Suddenly i heard a low humming sound coming from behind me, i turned around but saw nothing. The humming still came from behind me and i checked if something was stuck on my back, it was then i saw that the thing humming was the ruby that sat in its socket at the end of the swords hilt. The ruby was glowing brightly, making everything around it look like somebody spilled a bucket or red paint.

I took the sword from under my arm and looked closer at the shining gem. I touched it and immediately it stopped both glowing and humming, like somebody had switched off the light.

"Well that was rather strange. Oh well, i better get out of here before the ponies decide to wake up."

I looked around for somewhere to go. I was back in the large cave but now it was empty of chained up slaves and all the dogs had been massacred and thrown in a pile. The elevator didn't seem to go any higher since the chain went up through a hole in the roof that was smaller than the elevator cage itself.

"So i came down here and got thrown into the hole for nothing, great!"

Well that was not exactly true, i had been given a sword with somebody supposedly living inside it and a book written in archaic nonsense.

It could be worse. I decided to head into a tunnel to look for a way out. The reason i chose that tunnel is because it was the only one that did not reek of death and it also seemed oddly familiar.

After walking for a while i came to a door, but not just any door, on the door was a crudely scribbled note that said "Knock before entering if you want to live." with my handwriting.

"This is the door to my dorm in MIT!" I flung the door opened and saw what i always saw 6 pm after returning from a day of studies, the ground zero that was my room. It seems that me alone is not the only thing Star Swirl brought here, he had decided to take my entire dorm room with me.

Flipping the light switch yielded no response from the lamp in the roof. Big fucking surprise there.

I picked up the glowing yellow crystal in my pocket and held if up to provide light. On the walls i saw posters that would fit somebody who was forever stuck 20 years in the past. Iron Maiden, Ac/Dc, Queen, Nirvana and several other rock band posters decorated the walls like a flag, representing the best music genre ever made. Of course it also had other posters of more modern bands like Swedish House Mafia and Daft Punk, but the rock and metal was dominant in occupying the walls.

I walked up to the bed and dragged my duffel bag out from underneath it. I put the bag on the bed and started rummaging through one of the drawers. After packing some spare clothes i started going through my more private things. My golden zippo lighter, my great grandfathers old tobacco pipe in beautiful yet simple ivory that he had given me on my 16th birthday a few months ago, i had never smoked before.

After packing all the good old memories i moved onto the bad, not as old memories. I took out a metal box, a single 3 digit combination lock kept the lid closed.

I sighed. "You promised me that you would be back." I entered the combination and the padlock clicked.

I opened the lid and i felt my heart drop into my stomach as i saw the content. A tin necklace depicting the ancient hammer Mjölnir and a photo of a girl smiling at the camera. The girl was short, much shorter than me, her hair was a mix of brown and dark red. She was wearing a simple dark green jacket, blue jeans and a pair of converse on her feet. She had a pair of glasses with dark frame and brown deep eyes.

"Why did you have to go on that study trip to Florida?" I asked the girl in the photo, almost expecting an answer.

I put everything along with the strange book i had gotten from the chest earlier in the duffel bag.

Next i moved onto my closet, i opened the double doors and picked out my most prized possession, the one thing i could not simply go without. My electric guitar. "Hello Anastasia, long time no seen." I carefully placed her in the protective case, put all the boxes with string and such necessities in the bag and then hung the case over my back. After some pondering i decided to remove all the posters from the walls and take them with me. My bag was now quite heavy and i felt that everything was taken care off.

So with a last precaution to make sure that nobody would potentially abuse the last things in the room i couldn't take with me i lit the bed on fire with my zippo, i saw how the flames spread troughout the room as i ran out the door and down the tunnel.

After a solid 5 minutes of jogging i started hearing the tunnel cave in behind me.

I arrive back in the mining chasm only to be greeted by the armored ponies from before.

The silvery stallion with the battle axe stepped forward.

"We got you this time, no way for you to knock us out this time." He spoke.

'Shit, i guess they finally decided to act seriously, no way to escape this time. They are far too many even though their fighting is horrible'

I sighed. "So be it... I surrender!" I put my hands in the air.

The stallion looked slightly surprised at my sudden cooperation.

"Okay, wasn't expecting that. Put down the things you got there, step forward and get down on your knees."

I did as the stallion said and put everything on the ground.

"Storm Rider, cuff him." The stallion nodded towards a female unicorn next to him.

I saw how the unicorn approached, her horn glowing a bright cyan and a pair of cuffs hanging in the air with the same glow around them. The cuffs slid around my wrists and snapped together.

"Ooh! gettin' kinky are we?" i asked the mare as she stepped behind me.

"Alright, bag him and get him to the ship." The large gray stallion gave me a mischievous smile.

"Sir yes sir." The mare behind me seemed to enjoy that order a bit too much for comfort.

Suddenly everything went black when a bag went over my head.

"Hey! Is this really necessary? Its not like i-"

I was rudely interrupted by the feeling of getting kicked in the back of the head. It somehow became even darker, the last thought in my head was 'Oh no, not again,'. Before i hit the ground.

--- Silver Shield ---

"That's for knocking me out earlier. Dick!" Storm Rider said as she walked over to the creatures limp body. I saw how her horn started glowing as the magic aura enveloped the creature. But then i saw a puzzled look on Storm Riders face.

"I... I can't lift him!" She exclaimed, trying desperately to lift the creature with her spell.

"It doesn't work!" Storm looked back at me with a queer expression.

"Just carry the darn thing." I said to a pair of soldiers. They walked up the creature and heaved it onto a stretcher, suspended between them.

I was going to send a scout down the tunnel that the creature came from to check where it had gotten those things but the tunnel had collapsed.

5 hours later on board Silver Shields airship.

I was never a heavy drinker, i maybe drank some wine to the food or light cider. So i didn't know how a proper hangover felt like. But i imagined it being like getting kicked in the head by a horse... turns out i was wrong. Getting kicked probably felt much worse.

"Uuuuugh... did somebody get the number on that truck?" I was lying on what felt like a straw bed.

I opened my eyes and saw that it was dark, and i don't mean like 'somebody turned off the light' dark. I mean 'liquorice candy in deep space' dark.

"Don't know what a 'truck' is hombre, but it looks like you had a rough time." I heard a voice say in a slight spanish accent, couldn't really pinpoint from what direction it came though.

"Do i know you?" i asked the voice.

"Don't think so, never seen you before." the voice replied.

"Good, then i know i'm not in hell." i closed my eyes.

The voice laughed, "Not yet esé. But don't you worry. We on the way to the Equestrian capital, or so I've heard."  The owner of the voice seemed to be scratching something.

"And what's so special about that place?" I was not entirely sure if i liked going to a capital of any kind after what i had experience in the mines.

"Well for one you won't get eaten by anything, the ponies are vegetarians."

"Oh yeah... ponies... fucking ponies man! What did i ever do to them?" I shot my eyes open. "Maybe they are out for revenge after we turned them into lasagna!"

"Esé i don't know what you talking about, but from what i heard they want you because you some special magic."

"Whoop de doo! Ain't i special?" I asked nobody in particular.

A second unfamiliar voice decided to join the conversation. "Chucho! Are you talking to yourself again?" This time it sounded like a latino girl was talking, 'another Spanish person, the heck is this, border control?' i thought to myself.

"No Catalina, The guy that the guards were talking about is in the cell opposite me, looks like he drank too much tequila tho!" The first voice replied, laughing like a hyena.

"Oh, i thought you might have gone crazier than you already are!" The second voice laughed hysterically.

"Very funny Catalina. Hey you desnudo!" The first voice shouted.

I finally sat up and discovered that it was not completely dark after all, just the 2x2 meter room i was in.

As i looked forward i saw that i was in a jail cell, metal bars and everything. Opposite my cell on the other side of the lit up hallway was another cell, and in that cell stood one of them dogs from before, looking at me. It was wearing the stereotypical Mexican poncho and had a long thin handlebar moustache, no sombrero though, which was kind of a surprise since that would have completed the set, and make me unable to hold back my laughter.

"I'm guessing you are 'Chucho' then?" I asked the dog.

"Si esé, my mother always called me that when i was young. Bless her kind heart." The dog was much shorter than the ones before, even though it was standing on its hind legs.

To my relief i saw that i was still wearing some of my clothes. jacket was gone along with my fedora and my boots, the rest was still on but my pockets had been turned inside out. I slowly started to stand up.

"You said something about a capital to somewhere?" With great difficulty i managed to get up and slowly walk over to a chair by the metal bars.

"Si, the capital of Equestria, What was it called Catalina?" The dog shouted at what i assumed was the cell next to mine.

"Baby we are going to Canterlot, all them rich ponies be gathering there with their posh, rich lifestyles and crazy clothes."

Canterlot... Canterlot... Canterlot... where have i heard that before? Suddenly i thought about something my little cousin once told me.

"... and so this big mean black pony was there and it was all nasty with holes in its legs and bug wings, it was like a big bug, a big nasty bug, and it went to Canterlot with all these other nasty bug ponies and they beat princess Celestia and Twilight and all her friends and then suddenly there was like this HUUUUUGE rainbow that twilight and her friends shot at the big nasty bug pony and the bug pony was like 'nooooooo' and then..." I couldn't remember that last part because at that point my brain had ejected itself from my head and was crawling towards the fireplace. What i do remember was that my cousin had been talking about that new tv-show written by Lauren Faust, it had created some huge explosion on the internet for some reason. I had watched all the episodes up to the last of season 3 and to be perfectly honest the story and plot of it was amazing, i just wished that it had been directed at a slightly mature audience since a 9 year old would never be able to connect all the dots. However due to its... childish theme i could only in good conscience give it a 'Meh...' 5/10.

"So i am currently stuck in the My little pony: Friendship is magic world huh?" I said to myself. "Cool... i guess."

It didn't honestly come to me as a shock since i figured something like that had happened when i met the second talking animal in one day. But now i felt that i had an advantage, because even if i liked it or not those episodes had banged every single piece of information about the show into my head. That's what i get for having such a good memory. But now since i am here i can use it to get myself out.

"Say Chucho, where are we?" I turned to the dog who was now sitting down playing with a piece of string.

"Oh this?" He knocked on the wooden wall he was leaning against. "We are currently 'honored guests' aboard Captain Silver Shields flagship (and only ship) the HMS Skylark. The guards told me to relay you that information when you woke up."

"B-E-A-fucking-Utiful" Was my only response.

"Look Esé, they may be taking me and Catalina because we were robbing all them supply lines. But you something special. They taking you to see Celestia, nu-uh, bad news there. She wants something you have and if you want any hope of staying out of any more trouble, i suggest you giver it to her." The dog explained.

"Okay i guess, i wonder what it is i have that she wants?" I asked myself.

"Dunno esé. Hey Griffin bastardo!" Chucho started banging the right wall of his cell.

"There's more of you?" I asked trying to look into the cell that he was banging towards. Suddenly i saw how a great cloud of black feathers flew out between the metal bars as something approached. Out between the bars popped a griffins head, except instead of the bright colors usually seen on a griffin this one was completely black, looked more like a crow than an eagle.

"Oh great, so is this a zoo or what?" I asked.

"You could almost think so." Said Catalina from the cell to my right.

I looked over to the black griffin again. "So what's your name?"

The griffin looked at me with its red eyes and spoke with a croaky voice, "My full name is Tony T. Hawx but my friends called me Tony for short."

That's it! I am going to kill the next living thing with a pun in its name.

So we spent the next few hours talking with each other. They told me a bit about Equestria, the griffin dominion and the the diamond dogs, pretty much a history lesson of Equis, which is what most people called the entire land that held Equestria, The Griffin Dominion and Gem Fido, plus some other places. I also learned that Chucho and Catalina had been captured in an attempted ambush on this ship but failed horribly. Catalina was apparently a feline creature from some jungle area far to the south, at first i didn't believe her, but as i saw a black, slender and furry arm stretch from out her cell and into mine i was convinced. Especially after seeing long claws extend and rake down into the wooden wall creating a long scratch mark.

Tony told us about how his village had been burnt down by diamond dogs and he had been taking prisoner in the same den i was in. When the ponies raided the den he was put in a cell because while griffins were generally only shunned in equestrian communities. The black gryphons which were a different breed of griffins however was infamous for raiding, plundering and pillaging pretty much everything that was not their own land. Every griffin tribe had a set of villages and territories in the east mountains and it was dangerous to travel there.

After several hours we heard hoof steps coming from down the hallway.

"Great, they are finally bringing us food." Said Chucho with a happy tone.

"I sure hope so, i am starving." I said, holding my growling stomach.

I saw how two ponies pushing a cart down the hallway stopped in front of every cell and put in a tray of different kind of foods. Catalina in the cell next to mine got raw fish, which i could hear her digging in the second the food tray was inside the bars of her cell. Chucho got a bucket of rough cut gems that he one by one devoured with great eagerness. Tony or 'Hawx' received the same food as Catalina but the fish had been cooked instead. I got a large bowl of trail mix consisting of fruits and nuts. The guard said: "We don't really know what you are or what you eat so we just threw some bunch together, there should be enough proteins from the nuts, but if you rather fancy meat just tell us."

"I have nothing against nuts and fruits but some fish would indeed be nice." I said to the pony as i was downing the mix with my hand.

"Alrighty, i'll tell the cook that." The guard walked back to the cart and they both went back through the hallway and out of the brig.

After we had downed the grub we continued our conversation.

"So, You know all our names, now tell us yours." Chucho asked me with his still pretty hilarious Rednexican accent.

"Oh right sorry." I stood up and bowed deeply. "My name is Artemis."

"Heh, and i thought my name was strange." Said Chucho.

"Chucho? I guess so, isn't it Spanish for something?." I asked.

"Oh my name is not really Chucho, my real name is Ramon Carlos Pablo Garcia Sanchez de Niña﻿ Benito Rodriguez." He bowed back. Straining to do so since his body's physiology limits him greatly to standing with his back straight, let alone bend it individually with his legs standing straight.

"Uuuuh, is it okay if i just call you Ramon?" I asked, slightly befuddled about how he could even remember his own name.

"Si that is fine, it would take too long to say my full name when speaking to me." Ramon said.

"Yeah if i told you my full name it would take all night... or day, i don't know since there are no windows down here."

I decided it was time to sleep, mainly because a guard announced that the lights were about to go off and that we should sleep. So that is exactly what we did... almost. I was lying on the straw bed looking up at what i presumed was the ceiling. I had no idea since it was pitch black. I could never sleep, no matter how hard i tried. I could just lie down for hours and hours even when i feel so tired that i can't move my body, yet nothing ever happens. I just lie there completely awake, but somehow my body still manages to rest. This causes me to never have any form of dreams either. No matter how hard i try nothing works. Even with sleeping pills or drugs i just go into some dreamless coma like state where i am fully conscious but my whole body is completely crippled. It is the greatest fear i have. To be trapped inside my own body unable to move. If i ever have a nightmare that is what it would be. An eternity of dreamless, sleepless, completely black void where i am unable to move the slightest bit, sounds a bit like death.

'Baaah! I gotta stop with this existential bullcrap!' I thought to myself.

While lying there on that straw bed i did a quick recap in my head about today's events. Systematically going through everything that has happened to me so far.

'Okay so i am stuck aboard a ship heading towards the Equestrian Capitol of Canterlot, i am no longer on earth but instead in the 'my little pony: friendship is magic' world... interesting. There are obviously some highly intelligent lifeforms living here. We got diamond dogs, ponies, griffins, feline cat creatures and god knows what else.

I need to find out the reason behind my capture, i also need to find some way to escape the ship and find a way back to earth, if that is even possible.

We got Ramon the Mexican dog who appears to be somewhat experience in combat. Tony Hawx who is a gryphon, note; never call him griffin, he somehow knows when you say griffin and he goes mental when you do.

Then we got the Latina chick Catalina, not much known about her, i haven't even seen her full on since she is in the cell right next to me.'

Then we got the captain Silver shield and his subordinate Storm Rider i think... can't bloody remember. I just know i wan't to smash her head against the wall repeatedly.'

I decided to end my recap there and stretched my hand out to the bowl of trail mix, i scooped up the last and dropped it in my mouth. The nuts and such crunched between my teeth.

(4) Meet the Joker.

= The next morning =

As i was lying on the floor, my eyes closed, i suddenly heard two voices singing. I opened my eyes and looked up towards the cell opposite me. What i saw was Ramon with a banjo in his paws, leaning towards the wall separating his cell from Tony's, who was on the opposite side also leaning on the wall.

They stopped singing, Ramon noticed me looking.

"Aah, desnudo has awoken!" He said.

I sat up on the straw bed, looked at the duo and failed to comprehend something.

"Where did you get the banjo?" I asked Ramon.

"This? The guards gave it to me. They thought it might lighten the mood." His claws plinging on the strings.

"You know how to play it?" I asked again.

"Not really, but its not that hard." his claws kept dancing over the strings.

That was awfully nice of the guards to give him a banjo, i would have asked the guards to give me "Anastasia" but i need amplifiers if i want to utilize her full power, and i don't honestly think they have one of those on board, Oh well.

The guards came and went with breakfast. This time it was some kind of wheat porridge with half a loaf of bread and a jug of milk.

After breaking my fast on this basic but filling meal, i removed my shirt, rolled up my pants to my thighs, and started doing a basic workout session, one i did everyday in the morning to keep myself fit. Simple push-ups and sit-ups followed by light stretching made sure i didn't turn into a couch potato. It also gave me some queer looks from Ramon.

"The heck are you doing Ah-temis." Ramon asked, his accent didn't really allow for him to say my name correctly.

"What does it look like i'm doing?" I asked Ramon, who despite his buff body structure didn't seem to know about basic exercise training.

"Dunno Esé, but it looks pretty darn silly." Ramon barely managed to restrain a fit of laughter.

"This is called exercising Ramon, maybe you should try it." I replied.

"Nah i'm good Ah-temis, the only training i used to do was with my claws and a log hanging from the roof in a chain."

"And how was that training?" I asked in between push ups.

"Well what i did was i practiced hitting it and smacking it around, basic combat training with my claws." Ramon said.

"Sounds simple enough, so you got some combat training, that might come in handy if we want to get off this ship before we reach Canterlot." I finished my workout and put on my shirt.

I suddenly heard Catalina exclaim something from her cell.

"Hold on there a minute! Who be saying that we gonna jump ship!?" She sounded slightly aggravated.

"I am saying it. I don't know about you guys but i am not thrilled about meeting Queen Princess Celestia. Something about being an omnipotent goddess that has the power to move the sun rustles my jimmies in a very 'id rather not have her smite me down against the pavement' sort of way." I emphasized my point by rustling my pants, making them roll out to my feet again.

"I agree with Artemis." Tony chimed in. "I am done with this place."

I looked at Ramon. His face showed that he was conflicted about the idea. But finally he also agreed. "Yes, we should definitely escape before we reach Canterlot, but i be thinking we take over the ship, dump the ponies somewhere and sail away before reinforcements get here."

"Great idea, i'll come up with some way of getting us out of these cells." I started examining the bars to check for any kind of weakness.

"Hehe, Ah-temis, if you figure out a way to get out of here, i will let you captain the ship." Ramon said. Tony agreed on it.

"I'll hold you two to that." i said as i checked the bars for rust.

"Hold on there a minute, don't i get a say in the matter?" Catalina said.

"Well you have two choices, either you help us escape and it will go much easier, or you don't help us and we still escape." i started jerking the handle to the cell door to check for rust there.

"Well... if you put it that way. I guess i have no options then." Catalina replied.

As i went on with investigating the cell to check for any means of escape i heard a door open and close at the end of the hallway. The sound of hoof steps echoed through the cells.

"Somebody be coming." Ramon said in a hushed tone.

I stopped and sat down on the straw bed pretending to knit a few straws together. I could hear how it went dead quiet in the other cells.

The pony stopped outside my cell and turned to me.

"You, walk over to the far wall and face it with your arms behind your back." The guard said.

I did as he was told. I heard how the door to my cell opened and the pony approached. I felt a pair of cuffs slid onto my wrists and lock with a click.

The pony led me out of the cell without a word. Two other ponies were waiting in the hallway. They put a bag over my head and lead me away from the cell area.

After being led through countless of corners, hallways and doors that i kept banging my head against the top off i found myself sitting on a chair. The bag went off my head as i was blinded by the brightness of the room. They chained my right hand to the table, enough so that i can still move it around but i wouldn't be able to leave the room. I looked around and figured out that i must be in the great cabin of the ship, the large glass windows covering one side of the wall showing the landscape below, we were up in the air. Opposite the wooden desk sat the large silvery pony from before.

"Oh, you again." I bluntly stated.

"Yes, me again. We didn't really get the chance to talk before." The pony said.

"No we didn't, for some reason you guys decided to take a nap when i got up from the hole and only after i got back from the tunnel i-" The pony cut me off.

"Storm would you kindly show the guest our appreciation for what he did back there." The pony looked behind me.

"Whut?" I was about to turn my head around and look when i felt something grabbing it and slamming me forehead first against the wooden table. The sound echoing off the walls.

"Oohf... aah." I raised my head up again and held my right hand on the temple trying to stop the ringing.

I saw from the corner of my eye how the magenta mare that kicked me before back in the den walked around to my left side of the table.

"Bit of advice, never start with the head, it makes you all groggy and you can't feel the rest-" I was cut off by the mare slamming down her hoof on my left hand.

I felt nothing from that one. "See?" i looked back on the large silver one.

"So what are you exactly." The large pony asked.

I decided it was time to make this pony lose his shit.

"Human. Place of origin: Tellus. Population: Just over 7 billion individuals. Us humans are known for being war mongering, self absorbed, arrogant creatures of mass destruction. We possess technological advancements that you couldn't possibly hope to understand.-" I leaned forward and looked the pony in the eyes. "- We could destroy this world a million times over and there ain't jack shit that you or that 'Sun goddess' Celestia can do about it." I smiled as i saw the face of the pony empty of all colour. Which wasn't much, granted that he was practically gray from the start.

My head was slammed down into the table again by that FUCKING MARE!

"Like we actually gonna believe that?" She said.

I felt how blood was filling my mouth, along with something hard moving around. I reached into my mouth with my right hand and grabbed the small object. i took it out and saw that it was a tooth.

'Oh now that bitch be dead.' i thought.

I ran my tongue along my teeth to check which tooth was off. It had been the first premolar tooth to the right on my lower set of teeth that had been knocked out. I'll check with a dentist later to get a replacement. If these cretins even have such a thing as oral hygiene.

I felt a trickle of blood running down from my mouth, i wiped it away with my hand and saw that it was completely black, 'well that's strange, last time i checked humans have red blood.' i thought to myself.

I looked at the two ponies in front of me, "Can i have my one phone call?" I asked them both.

The marecunt (Yes i will forever call her that and there is nothing anybody can do about it.) was standing on her back legs, leaning her left foreleg on the table and the right hoof on her hip. She looked behind her at the silvery stallion. "Do you know what the heck a phone call is?" She asked.

The silver stallion who had his front hoofs crossed and elbows resting on the table, was looking at me with an interested look.

"I haven't got the slightest clue." He replied.

'Oh right, i guess they don't have any form of modern technology in this world. At least not what i picked up from my cousin. They did have trains though, i guess that is a bit of relief.' I thought. That was going to cause some problems.

"Tell me your name 'Human'" The stallion practically spat the last word.

"You can call me Artemis. I would shake your... hoof, but." I rattled the cuffs that held my right hand captive close to the table.

"Yes i can see how that is a bit of a problem." The stallion said with a mocking smile.

I looked back and forth between the stallion and the marecunt. "Now, i can imagine you two trying to pull the 'good cop, bad cop' thing, but since you told your little... pet-" I pointed at the marecunt "- to slam my head against the table, i get the feeling that neither of you are playing the good cop, amirite?" i looked at them both.

The marecunt turned to the stallion. "Can i smack his head against the table again?" She asked.

"No, i think he gets the idea." The stallion leaned back on the chair. "Now tell me Artemis, whats up with the black blood? I guess its connected with why Storm's magic couldn't affect you." He asked.

"Oh i would love to tell you about that but first, *Cough cough* Could i have a glass of water?" I asked them with a dry voice.

"Well, sure." He gestured towards the guard. The pony put a glass on the table and poured water into it with a jug. The water was crystal clear. I picked up the glass of water and moved it close to my mouth. I looked up from the glass towards the stallion and grinned.

"Wanna to see a magic trick?" I asked.

--- Ramon ---

"You think they killed him?" Tony asked.

"Naah, they probably just took him for questioning. Tho i wonder what they be wanting from him." I looked towards the door at the end of the hallway. Suddenly i could hear some shouting from behind the door.

"Stop right there criminal scum! You-" The voice was cut off by the sound of slashing as the voice screamed about something being stuck in its knee. The door flung open and one of the guard ponies flew down the hallway in a spray of blood. As the body landed on the floor bouncing comically i noticed how a great gash from the neck to the flank covered the entire left side of the pony.

"Hory fucking sheet!" I exclaimed as i looked back at the door and saw Artemis standing there, covered in blood, panting and holding a broken drinking glass in his right hand.

I saw how Artemis started walking down the hallway, he picked up a key chain from one of his pockets and threw it to me, thankfully it wasn't covered in pony blood. I quickly unlocked the door to my cell and did the same on Tony's and Catalina's cells. Artemis had reached the end of the hallway, he turned around and looked back at us. We just stood there looking at him.

I saw how he took a deep breath, like he was about to say something. But instead he just started coughing like crazy. After recovering from his coughing fit he finally said. "Sorry, my throat is a bit parched, i'm still slightly thirsty."

I emptied my lungs of air, i noticed just now that i had held my breath the entire time, i took another breath.

"Okay Ah-temis." I turned around and pointed at the possibly dead pony. "What the fuck!" I turned back, facing him.

Artemis looked at the pony like he hadn't known of its existence until now and simply stated. "Oh right, sorry he was in the way and wouldn't let me pass. So i violently stabbed him with this." He held up the broken piece of glass like it was the greatest trophy he had ever received. He was smiling very proudly.

Tony leaned in and whispered in my ear, "He is quite resourceful this one."

I whispered back, "Yeah, and completely crazy."

Artemis started walking back down the hallway, passed us and continued down towards the door. The three of us followed him. When he passed the practically gutted pony a slight moan could be heard coming from its mouth. Artemis tapped the pony in the side with his foot and said; "Oi! Shut up, You are supposed to be dead! At least have the decency to be quiet when you are dying."

Artemis stopped at the end of the hallway in the doorway. He then turned back to us. "Okay guys, here is the plan: I am pretty sure that in a bit of a rage i kind of butchered everybody on this floor of the ship. We need to find the armory, get some weapons and then take over the ship."

"I'm down with that." Tony said.

"No complaints here." Catalina joined in.

The two of them looked at me. I sighed.

"Okay, we go with Ah-temis plan." I said.

"Yosh!" Artemis clapped his hands together. "Lets start a mutiny people!" He said.

(5) Meet the crew.

= Silver Shield =

Dreams... room... storm... glass of water... magic trick...  Artemis... words floating through my mind. A great darkness surrounded me. I suddenly heard a voice... a familiar voice... a voice i was afraid of... a voice i didn't want to hear.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey... even though i have seen neither hens nor pigs on this ship."

My eyes shot open. I saw his face.

"Artemis..." I mumbled.

"Oh hey, you woke up. How nice of you to join us." Artemis said.

Something was odd about him, his face was distorted somehow. Then i noticed, he was upside down.

'No,' i thought. 'I am upside down,' I immediately got a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I looked down, or up in this case, towards my legs. I was suspended by a rope tightly strapping my back legs together. It was hanging from a crane used for loading supplies.

"Oi! Eyes on me numb nuts!" I felt how Artemis grabbed my head and pulled it so that i was looking into his eyes.

"Now, you might be wondering why i haven't killed you yet. And that is because i need to ask you a couple of questions first."

"Screw you." My voice was weak.

"Tsk tsk tsk, that's no way of talking to somebody who has your life hanging by a thread... literally!" Artemis laughed.

"Now, first question. What year is it?" He asked.

"It's 912 P.D." I responded.

"P.D?" Artemis looked confused.

"Post Discord. It is 912 years since Princess Celestia defeated Discord with the elements of Harmony. Some count it as the 890th Summer Sun Celebration, i think its 890th at least. Cant remember, anyway its to mark when Nightmare Moon was banished to the moon, but that is only legends and not an official date marking." I explained, wondering why this was important.

"Strange, It seems that i got here a bit sooner than when the show started. Dammit i gotta wait 100 years before things get interesting!?" Artemis was apparently angry at something.

Artemis looked at me and grinned. "I wonder what would happen if i mixed things up a little." He said. "Yes, yes that could work." He turned around. "Hey guys! What do you say we become pirates?!" He shouted towards a group of creatures sitting by the stairs to the helm. I saw how a black gryphon shouted "Whooo!" and gave two claws up, a diamond dog in a poncho nodded in agreement and one of those feline jungle cats joined in on the griffins hooting.

"Thought as much." Artemis said with a smile. He then turned back to me. "Are there any pirates in Equestria?" He asked.

"There haven't been any pirates for hundreds of years. Princess Celestia hunted them all down and hanged the lot of 'em" I replied with a smile.

"Oh really? Well that's too bad. I guess we will be the first pirates for a while then." He gave a smug smile back.

"You're mad! Princess Celestia will hunt you down!" I turned to the group by the stairs, to the best of my effort since i had problems moving while being suspended upside down. "You will all die! THIS IS MADNESS!!" i yelled.

Suddenly Artemis stopped, he looked at me. "Madness?" He asked. He leaned in, just a few centimeters from my face and looked me in the eyes. "Well you see madness... is a lot like gravity... all it takes is a little, push!" He put his hands on my body and gave a quick push. I felt how the crane above me started moving. I looked down and saw how i was now dangling far from the edge of the ship. The ground could be seen far below.

Suddenly Artemis pulled out a sword, i watched as he tapped the rope with the blade, not cutting it, but enough to make small notches.

"Nice sword huh? I found this in that pit back in the den. It is really pretty... pretty sharp." He suddenly stopped and looked at me.

"Now, as a gift, for answering my question, i will spare your life. But you still need to be punished." He grinned wickedly.

Artemis moved back, turned around towards the group. "I sentence you to-" He turned back to me "-... ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. "...Also exile." his voice was calm again. "And you will serve this exile out here!" Artemis gestured towards the mountains surrounding the ship.

He looked me in the eyes. "Have fun!" He said.

I heard a whoosh as the blade struck the rope. I felt myself falling, i watched with dread how my ship got smaller and smaller as i plunged down into the valley below.

= Artemis =

"Well... that was fun." I sheathed the blade and turned around to the others. "Alright, round up the rest of the ponies on the main deck. I have an idea."

When all the ponies, both slaves and guards, disarmed of course, along with the other creatures that had been slaves back in the den had been gathered on the main deck i walked up the stairs to the helms deck and decided to hold a little speech.

"Mentlegen! My name is Artemis. Me and my companions here have taken over the ship." I gestured towards Ramon and the others. I heard some worried mumbling coming from the crowd.

"Not to worry, none of you will be harmed, in fact i have a proposition for you." A few sighs of relief could be heard from the group.

"I have decided just now that i am going to start a pirate crew. With this crew i am going to sail around Equestria to raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my black guts out." That was completely true since all my blood had been replaced by black Tartarus sludge. I really did have a black heart then.

I continued, "So if any of you want to come with me on said pilfering/plundering and pillaging then please take a few steps forward."

I saw how, give or take, half of the people in the crowd stepped forward. Most of them were griffins, diamond dogs and a few changelings which i now recognized from the show. The rest were ponies of various types.

"Great! Now for the rest of you who don't want to join. I will be dropping you off into the first large town we come across so that you can return to your previous lives or just go do whatever the heck you feel like."

The mumbling started again, i guess they didn't really like the 'Plunder and pillage' part.

"Ramon, Catalina. Would you kindly arrange for everybody that didn't step forward a place to sleep. Those of you who did decide to join please line up outside the great cabin just under this helms deck. I wish to give you all a proper interview so that i can get to know your skills and where to best assign your duty on the ship. Tony, would you kindly escort the pony guards to the cells, i really don't want them walking freely on the ship just after we staged a mutiny."

The three did as instructed. All the guards had been disarmed so all it took was a glare at Tony's talons and they were instantly thankful that i let them live.

I made my way to the great cabin to start interviewing those who had volunteered.

~~~~

I sat down on the fancy shmancy swivel chair behind the desk. The desk itself was made of polished dark oak.

On the desk sat piles of books and parchments laid out, same as for the large table in the middle of the cabin which was used for maps and such, filled to the brim of information i could have use for later.

On the wall sat a large map of Equestria and its surrounding territories, the rest of the walls were covered in bookshelves. Behind me was the wall of large glass windows you normally found in the great cabin of a ship like this, giving me a nice look of the landscapes below. Suddenly a memory of me skiing in Switzerland came to mind seeing the snow tipped mountains and deep valleys.

My thoughts were quickly interrupted however when the door opened, i turned around in the chair and saw Tony in the doorway.

"Yo Artemis, the guards are locked in the cells and there is a large group of people out here lining up." He said.

"Good," I replied, "Send the first one in."

Tony did a quick salute and closed the door. Moments later it opened again, but this time by magic.

First to enter was a female unicorn with dark blue coat and a brighter blue mane, on her flank was a cutie mark depicting a bright star with tiny sparkles around it. Reminded me a bit of Twibright's Cutie mark, i think the main protagonist of the show was called Twibright... can't honestly remember that.

"Please, sit down would you kindly." I said.

She closed the door and sat down on the simpler chair opposite me of the desk. She had obviously been one of the slaves, her body was very skinny and she looked tired, also slightly nervous.

"Now, would you kindly tell me your name." I decided to start with an easy question to ease up the tension, i pulled up a pencil and paper to take notes.

"I-Its Starlight." She answered.

"Okay, Starlight. Tell me a bit about yourself." I said.

"Well, i grew up in Baltimare. Lived a normal life, until one day on a vacation two years ago i was captured by those diamond dogs." She shivered slightly.

"Mhmm... So, since you are a unicorn, what sort of magic do you know?"

"Not much to be honest, i only use it in daily routines, and when the need arises."

"Alright, any other special talents?"

"Well, my father worked in a jewelry store. He taught me some things when it comes to gems and their relations to magic."

"Interesting. Why did you volunteer to join my crew?"

"I would have liked to return to my family, but they were killed during the vacation by the diamond dogs." I could see the hint of a tear in her eye.

"Oh." I was not really good at the whole console somebody thing. "Well, i am sure that i can have good use of your abilities." i said with a smile.

Some time later, after I was done with my questions and called in Tony. I arranged it so that everybody would get a hot meal and a warm bed. Simple really since the cooks on the ship had gladly agreed to make food in exchange for their lives. I wasn't going to kill them in the first place but its nice to keep them in check. And there were many beds free now that the last handful of guards that had survived my mental glass rampage were in the brig. Still couldn't figure out how the heck i did that. I guess repetitive abuse to my forehead makes me into a killing machine. I didn't dare question the logic in a cartoon so i just went with whatever seemed profitable.

Next one to enter was a large stallion, earth kind, with brown coat and mane. His body was packed with muscles, i guess it was from all that hard work in the dens.

His name was Rough Rider. He had originally been in the Equestrian army but had been captured in a raid four years ago. With a specialty of large broadswords he could definitively become a great asset in combat. The reason he wanted to join was that while he missed his work in the force, he felt that the Equestrian army had gone soft seeing as how i had just dropped the captain of Celestia's royal guard from his own ship, plus demolishing an elite force of fighters he was originally part of.

One after one the line outside was starting to shrink. After going through 10-20 ponies, griffins and diamond dogs, all with different abilities and experiences i was starting to get slightly bored.

That quickly changed when through the door entered a female changeling. Or what i presumed was a female since they didn't seem to have any discernible genders. Unless you count for Queen Chrysalis.

"I was wondering when one of your kind was going to enter. Please, sit." I gestured towards the chair.

"You know about our kind?" she asked. Definitely female with that voice.

"Not that much to be honest, only that you feed of positive energy from emotions emitted by other creatures and that your ability is to change into any quadrupedal creature within a reasonable size, thus the name Changeling."

She seemed surprised at my knowledge. "You are well informed, few know about our kind. Even fewer know our true potential." she said.

"Indeed, I could really use somebody with your abilities in the disguise and infiltration section." I said

"Actually my best talent is strategy and tactics. While most changelings are best in spy work i would be best put to use in a room full of maps and plans." she explained.

"Uh-huh. I never got your name."

"We changelings do not receive a name when we hatch, but since i am not a part of any brood i have taken up the name Onyx."

"Short, simple, easy to remember. I am sick to the bones of all these names that is some kind of pun regarding to the individuals natural ability." i said as i scribbled down something on the paper.

"Tell me about it, i swear that someday someponys name is going to piss me off so much that i'm gonna kill them."

I smiled, "I think we will get along just fine."

The next one to enter was another changeling. Except this time there were 3 of them.

"Hmm, i thought i told Tony to send you in one by one." I looked at the three identical changelings.

They all opened their mouths. "To separate Nigel from himself would be considered unwise." They said in unison.

"Oh, well this just got a fair amount more odd." i looked at the one in the middle.

The changeling in the middle stepped forward. "We are Nigel, due to us being hatched from the same brood mother and in the same egg, we have a single unified mind."

"Now that is useful, if i had more chairs i would ask you to sit down but i'm afraid i only have one."

"That is of no concern, Nigel has no need for chairs." They continued.

"Well, okay then."

So after a long session with the Nigels, most of it trying to figure out which one to have eye contact with, i realized that i was done with the interviews.

I was very thirsty. My throat was drier than a popcorn fart.

I started looking around the cabin to see if maybe the previous captain kept some refreshments. I noticed a cabinet in the corner of the room by the large glass windows. It was filled with bottles of different shapes and colours.

"Oooh, booze!" i got out of the chair.

I picked out a large bottle and plopped the cork off, i took a sniff and came to the conclusion that it was some sort of rum.

"Typical, and Silver said that there were no more pirates, heh." i took a gulp of it and almost wretched.

"Deuueaugh," i sputtered, "This tastes bloody awful." i put the bottle back. I went up to one of the large windows and opened it, i suddenly heard a whistling coming from the liquor shelf, i walked up to the side of it and noticed a tiny slit between the cabinet and the wall.

I pushed the shelf and saw how there was a hidden door behind it. I opened it and entered a completely new room, it had a bed, a desk, a bathroom and several other things. It was the captains quarters.

I quickly shot my right hand up in the air, "dibs!" i shouted to nobody in particular.

(6) Meet the... Dragon?

= Ramon =

After the new crew members and the liberated slaves had been given a good meal and a warm bed it was time to check on the soldiers that had been put in the brig. They had also been given food and mattresses had been put in the cells so that more could sleep in the same cell. All in all there had been 14 survivors from a crew of nearly 50.

There were 6 cells in the brig. I walked down the hallway, checking each cell. Some had been injured by Artemis and some had surrendered when they realized that more than two third of the crew was either dead or dying.

Stopping at one cell i noticed a magenta colored unicorn mare sitting in the corner, a piece of bloodied cloth over her eyes.

Suddenly she woke, screaming obscenities obviously directed at Artemis, as if he had been in the room. I could see how a wave of pain hit her as she brought her hoofs to her eyes, she tried to remove the cloth but one of the soldires stopped her and explained to her about the situation, about the silvery stallion and her eyes.

The look on her face when the soldier told her about the captain, it made me feel like my heart had fallen down to my feet and shot up into my throat at the same time. A combined expression of utter hopelessness, defeat, humility and guilt filled her face as she slumped back into the corner, slight sobs could be heard coming from her. It was then i noticed on her flank, a dark purple cloud filled with lavender colored stars shooting down lightning bolts. It was a beautiful mark.

I noticed how the pony that had told her didn't really look like soldier material. Covered in different shades of grey, the old pony looked more like somebody who should have retired years ago.

After checking the prisoners i decided to inspect the new crew members. Artemis had already put those with experience with airships and zeppelins on making the ship ready for departure. We were currently anchored to a cliff side, ready to go when the captain instructed.

Most of the newly recruited were ponies, be it pegasi, unicorns or earth. But several of the slaves had been griffins or diamond dogs. The one thing i did not recognize was the blackened bug things. They looked like regular ponies in body and shape but they had strange holes in their legs, strange wings and blue eyes without pupils. There were only 4 of them, but three looked identical and the fourth was slightly larger.

"They are changelings." Tony explained.

"Changelings?" I asked.

We were sitting down in the mess hall, playing cards.

"Yeah, they come from the changeling wastelands, between Gem Fido and the dragon badlands. They possess some kind of magic ability that lets them morph into any quadrupedal creature, granted they are not too big. You wont see a changeling disguise as a fully grown dragon," Tony continued.

"Uh-huh." i simply replied.

"Check." I heard Catalina say. We were sitting at a round table playing poker.

"Raise." Tony said, throwing in 20 bits.

We had found several sacks of gems and bits when we had searched through the ship. It was probably the gems and stuff the ponies found in the den back where they also found Artemis.

"Maybe we should tell Artemis about all the stuff?" I heard tony say.

"Fo sho, but first i'm gonna win this hand." I called.

"Oh-hoy, getting a bit cocky are we? call." Tony looked at Catalina.

Catalina looked at both of us, "Fold," She sighed and put her cards down, i checked.

"Another one bites the dust." Tony hooted and raised by another 40.

- 20 minutes later -

Walking out of the mess hall 400 bits richer i directly made my way to the great cabin to tell Artemis that everything was ready. As i was walking across the main deck towards the double doors leading to the great cabin, i noticed a large shadow shooting across the deck. I looked up and to my dread saw a fully grown golden dragon circling above the ship.

"Speaking of the devil!" I quickly sprinted across the deck and was about to bust through the double doors when they suddenly flung open, sending me flying backwards.

"Come on Ramon! This is not the time to be napping, there is a dragon about to attack the ship!" Artemis exclaimed as he walked out on the deck, his strange sword in one hand and a bottle in the other.

I sat up and looked at Artemis, he was standing in the middle of the deck observing the dragon circling above.

I heard footsteps behind me, i turned around and saw Tony and Catalina run out on the main deck, followed by several other crew members.

"Tony, Catalina, quick! Go to the armory and get those harpoon launchers we saw earlier!" I shouted. I saw them turn right around and run in again.

Artemis turned to me, "You know how to take it down?" He asked.

I stood up, "Yes, most Diamond dogs and Griffins are natural dragon hunters. If we can get those harpoons up here we can take it down." I looked up at the dragon, it was still circling the ship.

Artemis nodded, "Good, i have an idea." he said.

Suddenly the dragon roared, it was a paralyzing sound. I looked up, the dragon started diving towards the ship.

I heard the sound of fabric being torn, i looked at Artemis and saw that he had torn a piece of his shirt, he stuffed the piece of cloth into the bottle he was holding and lit it with what looked like a golden tinderbox.

The dragon landed on the main deck and looked at Artemis, it immediately shot its head forward, mouth wide and open ready to swallow Artemis whole.

I watched as Artemis hurled the flaming bottle straight down the throat of the dragon, it broke and exploded, fire swirling down into the bowels of the dragon.

Artemis quickly jumped to the side, barely dodging the dragon.

The dragon continued onwards, its insides on fire. It was twitching and jerking, a pillar of smoke rose from its mouth and nostrils. It skidded across the deck and quickly fell off the edge and started pummeling towards the ground.

I looked back at Artemis, he was lying on the floor laughing. He quickly jumped to his feet and walked over to the edge of the ship that the dragon had fallen off. I followed him and looked down but i couldn't see any sign of a dragon.

"I guess he didn't like rum." Artemis said.

"Did we kill it?" I asked him.

"No..." Artemis turned around.

The dragon appeared again on the other side of the ship, it shot up towards the sky at an amazing speed.

"... we just made it angry." Artemis finished, grinning.

"Yo Ramon, catch!" i heard a voice call out.

I turned to the voice and saw Tony toss a harpoon launcher to me. I caught the launcher and readied it. I turned to Artemis.

"Alright people, when that dragon makes another pass i want you to use those harpoons to pin it down on the ship. When its down i will jab it in the neck with my sword." Artemis explained.

"That seems awful risky," i heard Catalina say.

"No guts, no glory" Artemis responded.

The dragon roared again, it quickly dived and landed on the deck again, this time it kept its jaw shut.

We quickly spread out, surrounding the dragon. We fired the harpoons at its legs, wings and neck, effectively pinning it down on the floor. Artemis quickly hoisted himself up on the neck of the beast and thrust his sword between the scales, straight into the beasts head.

The dragon stopped struggling and slumped to the floor, light jerks and twitches shot through its limbs.

Artemis stood up on the dragons neck, raised his blood drenched sword to the sky and screamed at the top of his lungs,

"DECAPITATIOOOOOOOOOON!!!!"

Before he swung it in a wide arch and sliced the dragons head clean off.

The dragons head unceremoniously landed on the floor, blood spurting out of its neck like a fountain.

Artemis jumped off the dragons neck and landed on the floor. He took out another bottle from one of his inside pockets, pulled the cork out with his teeth, making a *pop* sound and spat the cork out on the dragons head. He turned to me.

"And that my friend, is how you kill a dragon." He said before downing the bottle.

Artemis belched loudly as he finished the bottle and tossed it overboard, "that was much better than the rum," he said.

I could hear the crew cheering at their victory over the winged beast.

Artemis turned to me. "Say, can you cook a dragon?" he asked.

"It is not advisable, the blood of a dragon is highly addictive for magical users, just a few drops will get you hooked. The withdrawal effects are extremely unpleasant and could even be lethal if you consumed enough dragon blood." I explained.

"Oh, i guess i should wash this off then." Artemis looked down at his blood drenched clothes.

"That would probably be good." I said.

= Artemis =

I had gathered Ramon, Catalina, Tony, Onyx and one of the Nigels in the great cabin, i had introduced them to each other and decided that they would be my team of advisors. I was drying my hair with a towel after taking a bath to get the dragon blood off me.

The group was discussing about what we should do next. They had a map stretched out over the large table in the middle of the room. I was sitting in the swivel chair by my desk, now cleaned off from all the books and such.

After the dragon had been defeated the diamond dogs and griffins had starting to scavenge the body. Dragon scales, skin and bones were apparently one of the hardest materials known and could be used to make armor and weapons. I had taken the liberty to hang the severed dragons head on the wall above me, good thing the roof was tall enough or else i would smack into the thing every time i got out of the chair.

"All i'm saying is that dragons rarely go far from their territories to hunt, that was a fully grown dragon. I am sure that it has a cave around here somewhere." Ramon said.

"And how do you know that?" Tony asked, not liking the idea about going looking for more dragons.

"When a dragon grows mature it leaves the mother and goes to find its own home. It finds a suitable cave or something similar and makes its nest there. Dragons are crazy about gems and generally anything shiny, if we find the nest then it is highly likely that it will be filled with wealth." Ramon explained.

Onyx joined the argument, "We could really need the money for supplying the ship, unless you haven't noticed this ship has no form of weaponry. Those harpoon guns had been the only stuff in the armory, save swords and spears," Onyx turned to me, "We need to supply this ship with cannons and ammunition if we are ever going to become pirates, which i thing is a kind of vague goal." she continued.

"I still don't like it, what if we run into another dragon?" Tony asked.

"We kill it, just like we did with that one." Ramon pointed at the dragon head hanging above me.

"I still don't understand how you pulled that off Artemis, what is that sword made off? Dragons cannot be so easily decapitated by one swing." Onyx asked me.

"Nigel, what do you think?" Catalina asked.

"Pay no attention to this Nigel, Nigel is elsewhere." He simply stated.

I finished drying my hair and tossed the towel onto a hook by the wall. I took up my lighter and my ivory pipe, i took some tobacco i had found in the same cabin as the liquor and put it in the chamber, pressed it down with my thumb and lit it. I took a long deep puff and blew out a smoke ring, followed by slight coughing coming from me.

"Mentlegen... lets go find us a dragons nest." i said, smiling.

(7) Sweet loot.

= Artemis =

Finding the dragons nest was easier than i thought. Before in the den the unicorns had been forced to scan the mountains for gems so that the diamond dogs knew where to dig. Using that same spell they quickly found a large signal coming from the top of a mountain, there was snow on the mountain so everybody that didn't have natural protection against cold was wearing warm clothing, mainly Nigel, Onyx and me, but some of the ponies had also decided to dress in appropriate clothing for the weather.

After some struggling with actually figuring out how the ship worked, we could make our way to the mountain where the dragons nest was.

The dragons nest was located inside a cave just below the summit of the large mountain, we dropped anchor and prepared ourselves to go inside.

"Alright, Ramon, your squad will follow me and inspect the cave. Tony, take some of the griffins and pegasi, take to the air and scout for any other dragons, i don't want any surprises. Catalina, stay on the ship and be prepared to move at any time. If something bad happens i want to be able to get out of here fast," I explained.

They all nodded.

Ramon's squad was made up by Rough Rider, i had given him the previous captains large battleaxe, and the diamond dogs, armed with spears. 6 in the group including me.

In Tony's squad were the griffins and pegasi, they would easily be able to keep lookout for anything approaching the cave. 15 in that squad.

Catalina's had the rest, the regular ponies and unicorns, also those who were too sick or injured to be of help.

All three squads had one Nigel each, with his joined mind he would act as the communication between the squads.

"Now remember, if you have something to report then talk to your respective Nigel, he will use the single mind to communicate with his brothers. You go that Nigel?" I asked him.

"Nigel understands and is ready." The three Nigels said in unison.

"Perfect, alright Tony, you go first, scout the air for us." I said.

Tony nodded and turned to his squad. "Alright guys, you heard the captain, lets get going!" He unfolded his wings.

"Flight on!" He shouted as he shot up into the air, his squad following him.

I turned to Ramon, "Yosh, lets get going Ramon, we got us some booty waiting for us in that cave." i pointed to the cave entrance with my hand.

Ramon nodded and turned to the landing party, "Lets go!" He thrust his spear to the sky. The squad cheered.

We jumped off the ship, landed in the soft snow and made our way to the cave.

As we arrived at the cave we lit the torches we had brought with us.

"Nigel, send a message to your brothers, tell them we are going in." I said to Nigel.

"Understood." Nigel responded, he turned his head around and closed his eyes. He opened them again and turned back to me. "It is done." he said.

"Good, lets go." I said to the group and moved forward into the cave.

We made our way into the cave, the torches reflecting our shadows on the dark walls. The cave was large, roughly 10 meters to the roof and another 20 from wall to wall.

It didn't take long to find what we were looking for. We had arrived at a large chamber filled to the brim of gems and golden objects.

*Wheeew* i whistled lowly. "That's a lot of dough."

I noticed something else, two round objects lying in a bed of golden coins. I approached them and picked one up.

"Dragon eggs." I heard Ramon say behind me. I turned around and smiled, "We are going to need a bigger boat."

--- Several hours later ---

It had taken us quite a while to move the entire treasure from the cave to the boat, thankfully we had a crane we could use.

So after transporting, loading and storing stuffing the ship with as much of the treasure we could fit without making it crash to the ground, we were quite sick of the mountains.

I gathered us main six (Ramon, Tony, Catalina, Onyx, one of the Nigels and me) in the great cabin to discuss our next step.

We were standing around the large table with a world map spread out.

"Mentlegen, to say the least we are in the worst possible situation. We are currently in Gem Fido, these mountains are crawling with raiding diamond dogs, dragons and i don't even think Celestia knows what else. We have no way to defend ourselves, save melee weapons and portable harpoon launchers. Our stock is filled to the brim with valuables, weighing down the already hard to maneuver ship. Hell i don't even know what the hell is keeping this thing afloat in the first place." i said.

"I might be able to answer that." Onyx said, she used her magic to roll out a scroll on the table. The paper contained a less than detailed schematic of the ship, "I found this in one of the storage compartments."

"Good work on that. Please, enlighten me." I said.

"Well, to put it simple. The ship is kept afloat using magical pylons built into the hull under the ship and embedded in the core of the two masts. You might notice the golden sails, they are used to absorb sunlight and natural background magic radiation. The masts relay the energy down into the pylons where it is converted into pure magic energy, it then uses that energy to automatically cast a predetermined levitation spell, thus the ship is kept from crashing to the ground. Barely any of the ships movement is dependent on the wind, the sails are for energy absorbing purposes only." She explained.

"Interesting, most interesting. I have heard about background radiation but never that it was magic, whats the deal with that?" i asked.

"I don't know where you come from, but here the world has a natural magical resonance in it. It is highly concentrated in Equestria but it also exists in the surrounding regions. That is why you will find higher than average intelligent animals and lifeforms in Equestria, while out here they are primitive and savage." She continued.

"That would explain the less than average intelligence of the diamond dogs back in the den, no offence Ramon." i apologized to Ramon.

"Non taken, i have no relation to these diamond dogs. My father was an alpha male, we are a higher developed breed of diamond dog." Ramon explained.

"That is also interesting, we will get back to that in a sec. So Onyx, are you saying that the ship will be easier to move around if we get to Equestria?" i asked the changeling.

"Well yes, but there are other ways to make it easier. If we could find a source of pure magic energy then not only would we be able to store more of the dragons treasure on board, but we would be able to reach Equestria within the week." she answered.

"Well, we have a ridiculously large amount of gems, if we use them to power the ship then this could be easier." i said.

"That could work, we could transfer the gems natural magic into the pylons." Onyx scribbled something down onto a note.

"Gems don't really have a limit on how much pure magic can be stored within them, however it is advisable to stop when they start to glow red hot. If you for some reason decided to continue beyond that then finally you would create such a large magical reserve that the pure heat radiating from it would outmatch that of the sun. However at that point the gem would have melted away and the magic would have been released in a violent explosion" She continued.

"Now that is cool." i turned the schematics of the ship to me and inspected it.

I knew barely anything about ships, but thankfully whoever made these schematics did neither, so the schematics were very simple. You could tell that this world was a cartoon for kids.

I decided to do some editing on the name of the ship.

I studied the schematics. "You said that the pylons were placed inside the hull?" I asked Onyx.

"Yes, the schematics only shows the locations of the pylons, they aren't actually sticking out like that under the ship." Onyx explained. "The schematics aren't to scale, its more of a guideline to show where everything is, i will try to find some more detailed plans of the ship later."

"Kon-Tiki III." Ramon read what i had written on the schematics. "What is that?" he asked.

"Aaah, the story of Kon-Tiki is an old tale about a man called Thor, he once built a ship and sailed it across a great ocean, all to win an argument. He named the ship Kon-Tiki. He also built another two ships, Ra and Ra II. I fancied the name Kon-Tiki so in honor of Thor i have decided to name this ship Kon-Tiki III." I explained.

"Anyway, that's enough lollygagging on the ship for now. We need to find a town or something, money has no value unless you use it." i said, as to indicate at our cargo hold which was now filled to bursting with gems and other valuables.

I rolled up the ship schematics, put them aside and looked at the map spread out over the table.

"Equestria is a lot smaller than i thought." i pointed out as i looked over the map.

"I don't know how big your world is but Equis is huge." Onyx said.

"Equis?" I asked her.

"Yes, it's one of the many names for this world. Most ponies just call the entire continent Equestria, but they rarely look beyond the borders of their own country."

"The Equestrian population is highly ignorant when it comes to foreign knowledge, they sit in their little paradise while the rest of Equis struggles." Ramon filled in.

"Well shit, and i thought the entire world here was all kitten whiskers and butterfly farts. You can tell by how i have so far gotten at least 12 huge scars, lost half a finger, a tooth and gotten all my blood replaced by black sludge from Tartarus." i said.

"What?" they all said in unison, save for the one Nigel who was with us, none of them rarely said anything.

I drew my sword and ran my thumb along the edge, creating a tiny cut. I held out my hand and let the black blood slowly pour out, only for it to recede back again moments later.

Everybody just stood there, staring.

"Fascinating." Onyx leaned in to get a better look at the cut on my thumb that had now closed, leaving only a tiny scab.

"I have read about the waters of Tartarus, it is said that they react differently from person to person, but not quite in this way. It seems to have given you some kind of regenerative powers." she said.

"Can we get back to the 'finding out where we are going' part?" Tony asked impatiently.

"Whu-? yeah, sure." i said, "Alright, we are currently here," I pointed at a location very near the border between Gem Fido and Equestria, "The closest city is Maneapolis, it should take us about a week to get there if we use the gems to power the pylons. When we arrive we will drop off the slaves and soldiers." Everybody looked at me queerly, "We need them to report back to Celestia, when she finds out she will try to send someone to stop us, most likely an officer or some such. We capture the pony and interrogate him, i want as much information about the Equestrian military as i can. I want to know what we are up against so that when we really start to cause a ruckus we are prepared." i explained.

"We aren't going to start plundering immediately?" Tony asked with a disappointed tone.

"Yeah, lets go head to head with the entire Equestrian military in a ship with no firepower whatsoever and a crew that has been slaving away in a diamond dog den." i responded sarcastically.

"Good point." he said.

"So, we go to Maneapolis, get us some supplies, weapons and maybe some more crew members, then what?" Catalina asked me.

"We won't have any financial problems when we cash in all the stuff we got from the dragon, so we upgrade the Kon-Tiki III and maybe find some people we can hire for the crew. We need a doctor, a cook, we can't hold the current ones forever, a bard, a shipwright and a navigator," I said. They all looked at each other.

"Yeah, why not?" Tony shrugged. They all agreed.

(7.5) Banging two gems together.

= Artemis =

I was sitting in the workshop of the ship, trying to the best of my ability to come up with something to make, using my knowledge from earth and implement it to Equestria. The big plus was that while i had seen no signs of electricity, they did have magic, and that was even more efficient and full of potential.

I heard somebody knocking on the door. "Come in," i shouted.

Onyx and Starlight entered. "I brought Starlight, as requested." The changeling said.

"Good, thank you." i was sitting at a drafting table, a bin slowly filling up with crumbled paper balls on the right side and a drawer filled with a slowly diminishing supply of unused paper sheets on the other.

Onyx was heading out the door when i called, "Hey Onyx," She turned around, "How long until we reach Maneapolis?" i

asked her.

"Four days." She said before leaving.

I turned back to the drafting table, "four days... stupid... bloody... energy pylons..." i muttered to myself.

I heard Starlight clear her throat behind me.

"Right," i turned around the chair, facing the dark blue unicorn, "Before, you told me that you have some experience with gems."

"Well yes, but it's mostly the things i learned in magi-school." She said.

"Naught to worry, when we get to Maneapolis the second place i will visit is the library. I want as many books as i can find about gems, also the entire history of Equestria."

"Well then you have a lot to work with. The books date back around 900 years to the point where Celestia defeated Discord. No history was recorded during Discords rule, mainly because they were too busy dodging giant marshmallows or whatever else Discord could come up with in that twisted mind of his." she said in disgust.

"Yes i can imagine that would be distracting." i crumbled a failed design in my hands, threw the paper ball in the bin and picked up another from the drawer.

"So... whatcha working on?" Starlight asked.

"Hmm... right now i'm just trying to figure out the science behind magic." i scribbled down some notes.

"Aaand... so far you have figured out...?"

"That magic has never heard of the laws of science."

Starlight laughed, "Yeah, that's the gist of it."

"Do you know anything about augmenting instruments with gems?" i asked her.

"Not really, but i guess its the same as putting gem sockets in clothes and jewelry." she shrugged.

"Well, i don't want my guitar to look good, i want to use it as a weapon." i plainly stated.

"Well, i have never heard about somebody using gems in that way, but with a gem that has been set with an amplification spell, it could work."

"Do you know any spells in that area?"

"No... but i am sure that we can find several books about that in Maneapolis."

"Good, until then i need your help with something else." i pushed away from the table with my legs, making the chair roll across the room to a flat table.

"Here, hold this." i threw her a plastic cup that had been sitting on the table. She caught it in her hoof.

I rolled closer to her and studied her hoof holding the cup.

"Fascinating, truly fascinating." i grabbed the cup between my thumb and index finger, i slowly started dragging it away from her hoof, it finally released from her grasp, almost like pulling two magnets apart.

"Eeeh, what are you doing?" Starlight asked.

"Your hoof, it can hold things."

"Well duuh, why wouldn't it?"

"Look at your hoof, it is a hoof! a flat surface. there is no way you could possibly hold objects in it." I held the cup in my hand, straightened my fingers, letting the cup fall to the floor. "See? For me it falls straight off, but for you." i picked up the cup again and put it in her hoof, it stayed right there, not falling.

"Oh yeah, look at that. I have never thought of that before." she started waving her hoof, but the cup stayed right where it was.

"Let go of it." i said.

"Eeeh, ok." suddenly the cup fell to the floor.

"Whooaaa, that is so freaking awesome!" i picked up the cup again and put it in her hoof, this time it stayed.

"Now drop it." The cup fell again.

"Hehehe! that is so cool, how do you do it?"

"I... i don't know, it's just natural, i guess." she picked up the cup again.

"I really gotta find out how that works, i bet it's some natural magic thing you ponies have." i picked the cup from her hand and put it on the desk.

"Is there anything else you need?"

"Yes, is there a way to transfer magic from one gem to the other?"

"That i know, a simple transferring spell, how many gems do you need?"

"Uuuh.. about two hundred, maybe more," i scooted over to a box and opened it up, it was filled with gems.

Starlight's jaw almost hit the floor, "t-two hundred?" she stuttered.

"Yes, i need two hundred gems highly loaded with magic."

"B-but that will take hours!" she exclaimed.

"We have all night, might as well start." i picked up a gem and tossed it to her, i squeed with delight when she caught it in her  hoof. "That is so awesome!"

Starlight sighed, "It's gonna be a loong night."

One long night later.

Morning came as Starlight and i finished loading the last gem with a high concentration of magic, we were sitting in the workshop... on the floor, half asleep.

"I think i pulled a muscle in my horn." Starlight said, exhausted, her eyelids half closed.

"You silly, there are no muscles in your horn." i answered, my head leaning against the wall.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a metal flask, i flipped the lid off and brought the flask to my mouth.

In this flask i had mixed all the booze from the cabinet that i liked, somehow i must have done something right because it tasted like heaven.

"Aaaah... that's the good stuff," i said as i had finished the bottle, all of it... in one sweep.

"Are you ok?" Starlight asked when she saw the smile appearing on my face a few minutes later.

"Yeah... everything is just fucking great, i am stuck in a world where talking ponies, magic and the possibility of dismemberment is common as dirt. You know, I never asked for this shit, i want to file a complaint to the fucker who put me here!!" i thought back to the envelope and the book i had found in the chest.

"Fucking Star Swirl, if i ever find that piece of shit then i'm gonna gouge out his eyes and skull fuck him with a cactus!" i threw my arms around, leaned a bit too much to the left and promptly fell on the floor face first.

Starlight couldn't stop laughing, "You stupid, Star Swirl lived hundreds of years ago, he couldn't possibly have something to do with you being here."

"Oh yeah? How you explain... THIS!" i pulled out the book from another pocket, i have no idea how i could fit all these things into these pockets and i honestly didn't care, i'm drunk! You don't need an excuse when you are drunk!

"Hold on, let me see that." she said, immediately interested in what i was holding.

I felt the book falling out of my grasp as Starlight used her horn to bring the book to her.

"Hold on there just a minute!" i tried sitting up and move towards her but the laws of heavy drinking caught me and pushed me down to the floor.

"This isn't right, this book obviously has a spell on it." she said as she held the book in her hoofs. Her horn suddenly lit again and the book started glowing.

She opened the book and read it's content, "this is a research journal... this contains every drop of Star Swirls studies!" she looked at me with amazement in her eyes, "Where did you get this?"

"Tartarus," i said as i managed to sit up against the wall again.

"Amazing, this book holds everything," she flipped through the pages, "everything Star Swirl made, this book contains over 200 spells and several other scientific studies."

"Beautiful, if only i could read it!" i exclaimed in a 'woe is me' kind of way.

"Actually, the spell i threw on it was a simple activation spell, the book has a natural enchantment that translates the text to a language of whoever is reading it can understand."

"Really?" i reached out my hand and gestured for her to give me the book. Her horn lit up and the book fell into my hand. I opened the book and was surprised to see that the gibberish moon-speak had been translated into perfect English.

I gave a low whistle, "impressive," i flipped through the pages, "okay so now that i understand this i might actually be able to use it." i closed the book and put it back in my pocket for later analysis.

"So... wanna get up from the floor and go to bed?" Starlight asked me.

"Hmmm... why not?" i managed to get to my knees and started slowly crawling to the door, "Now i understand how you ponies have it," i slurred as i made it halfway across the room and then collapsed on the floor, the world spinning wildly around me.

"H... help." i said, Starlight's laughter was the last thing i remembered hearing before everything wen't black.

(8) This. is. my. boomstick!

= Artemis =

I was sitting on the helms deck, my legs hanging over the edge above the main deck with my smoking pipe in mouth, reading a log of collected letters sent between the officers in the Equestrian military. We crossed over from Gem Fido to Equestria. It was easy to notice, everything was more colorful, like somebody had changed the color filtering on my eyes.

We had left the mountains behind us and were now sailing over green plains. I could see several roads snake across the landscape below.

I turned back to the log.

... Admiral Drake summoned from Stalliongrad to Canterlot by Princess Celestia, in his fleet:

8 full rigged ships, 10 carracks, 6 frigates and personal vessel.

Lieutenant Azure dispatched to Manehattan, in her fleet: 2 full rigged ships, 2 carracks.

Captain Bloodhoof dispatched to Maneapolis, in his fleet: 4 full rigged ships.

Captain of Celestias personal elite squad Silver Shield sent on mission by Princess Celestia for investigation in Gem Fido, in his fleet: VegoPunk's new prototype ship HMS Skylark Kon-Tiki III, is mine now! :3.

Edited that last part myself, gotta have the logs updated after all.

"Hmm, better avoid Bloodhoof's fleet when we get to Maneapolis." I blew out a puff of smoke and turned to Ramon standing at the wheel with Onyx next to him.

"How far to Maneapolis?" i asked the changeling.

"Now that we have entered Equestria the pylons should be able to draw more magic from the land, so less than a day," she answered as she was looking over the map she was holding in front of her, the map was suspended by magic from her horn.

"Good." i closed the log and put it aside. I lied down on my back, closed my eyes and took a nap.

My nap was quickly interrupted however by one of the lookout griffins, i had chosen them for lookout since they had eagle eyes.

"Ship approaching on starboard side!" the lookout shouted down to us.

I quickly got up, grabbed a spyglass i had found in the great cabin beneath us and peered towards the direction that the griffin was pointing. Sure enough i could see a ship just off the horizon.

I jumped down the stairs and ran to the workshop. I opened the door and looked inside.

Starlight and Tony were sitting opposite each other finnicking with a pile of glass containers. They looked at me standing in the doorway.

"Grab a bomb, a long fuse and meet me outside." i said quickly before i closed the door.

Nigel approached me as i was standing on the deck.

"Nigel, good. I need you to tell your brothers to gather the crew on the main deck, i have a plan."

Tony and Starlight came out of the workshop.

"Are you sure these will work?" Starlight asked as she handed me a red stick and a fuse.

"Yes, with the gun powder, rust and aluminium powder mixed in the cylinder package and the fuse we will have some excellent fireworks," i said as i put the fuse down the small hole in the red stick, the fuse was just thick enough to fit and hold in place.

Onyx flew down from the helm, "The ship flies with the Equestrian flag, with the ship logs we found in the cabin we have identified the vessel, it belongs to Captain Iron side." she said to me.

"Okay so they are enemies, good."

"How is that good?" The changeling asked.

"It means i get to try out my new toy." i held up the stick.

"What is that?" Onyx inspected the red cylinder.

"I am glad you asked, this is my boomstick." i held up the stick of dynamite.

The crew started assembling on the main deck, i stood above on the helms deck.

"Okay, i want the diamond dogs and griffins to go below deck and hide, the ponies are going to dress up in the soldier armor," i turned to Onyx, she had disguised herself as Silver Shield. "Now, i want you to distract them as long as possible, i will sneak aboard, when i get back i want you to put as much distance as you can between their ship and ours." i instructed her.

Onyx nodded, "I hope you know what you're doing." she said in the gruff voice of the pony captain, she looked at the ship getting significantly larger.

"Me too." i answered.

= Onyx =

Iron side's ship pulled up alongside ours facing the opposite direction, their ship was much larger so the decks were not even. A gangplank shot out and landed on the main deck. A large stallion walked aboard, his right side was completely covered in metal. 'Cybernetics' i thought to myself, 'now i know why they call him iron side.'

With the large stallion came 4 equestrian soldiers, donning the regular golden armor of the sun goddess, their reflective shine made me squint my eyes and hold up a hoof to shield them.

"Silver Shield!" the stallions booming voice made me jump. "I believe you are on the wrong course, your orders were to investigate the magic anomaly in Gem Fido and then immediately return to Canterlot."

"T-that is exactly what i am doing." i said in a slight nervous tone, it was hard to maintain my composure when facing the stallion, his robotic eye locked into mine. "Well it seems that your navigator is either blind or a fool, maybe both. You are on the course to Maneapolis," He leaned in closer to my face. "... and last time i checked that isn't where you are supposed to be going."

"W-well, i was going to Canterlot, but we were running low on rations so i decided to make a quick stop at Maneapolis and-"

"Don't give me excuses!" the stallion's voice boomed again. "I should just skin you alive and hang you up as sail, but i don't honestly think the men would stand the smell of your sorry hide!" he continued.

"S-sir, i don't think t-that will be necessary." i stuttered.

"And speaking of men, what the hell happened to yours? They look like they have been slaving away in a diamond dog den their entire life! I can see why you need the rations" The half-metal pony pointed towards our disguised crew and laughed. "Not to mention the fact that you don't sail with the Equestrian flag on the top of your mast, HAVE YOU LOST ALL SENSE CAPTAIN SILVER?!!" The stallions saliva covered my face, i wiped it off.

'This is getting out of hand, where the fuck is Artemis?' i thought to myself.

As if on cue i could hear the clanging of swords coming from the other ship. Iron Side turned around, "What is that racket?" he shouted up to the other side. In response one of Iron Side's stallion came flying over to our ship, he landed on the deck in a painful looking position, "What the royal fuck!" Iron Side exclaimed as he looked up towards the deck of his own ship.

Upon the railing stood Artemis, his sword drawn.

"Hey cyborg, i think you got a screw loose, COME AND GET IT!" he shouted as he turned around and smacked his behind with a hand.

I facehoofed.

Iron side was furious. "Why you insolent little...!" I could see how a large sword extended from his right robotic leg as he walked up the gangplank, followed by his soldiers. "Stand back Silver shield, i will show you how to properly deal with thi-" he was cut of by Artemis jumping on his face.

= Artemis =

I was hiding in a barrel on the forecastle deck when Iron side's ship pulled up alongside ours, their ship was much larger so when the gangplank shot out it fell several meters before hitting ours. I didn't really understand why they would set it higher than ours since we were floating on air, size really shouldn't matter when walking across air ships.

I quickly got the answer to that question, the large stallion walking across to our ship was huge, his right side was completely covered in metal, pipes and other such things. 'Auto-Mail' i thought to my self, 'that explains the name Iron side.'

He seemed to think himself above the former captain of this ship, that is why he wanted his ship to look dominant and intimidating.

I didn't wait for Onyx and Iron to start talking as i jumped out of the barrel, i stood up on the railing and leaped over to the other ship. It wasn't much of a jump since their ship was less than a meter from ours.

I grabbed onto a opening that was used for cannons and pulled myself inside, thankfully no cannon was occupying the opening and somebody had forgot to close the little hole i had crawled in through.

Once i was inside i scanned my surroundings, i was currently in the second lowest floor of the ships 4 floors.

There were no soldiers down here, the lower floors only had the storage and quarters, everybody was on the higher floors, probably waiting for their captain to finish with Onyx, 'I hope she is doing well' i thought to myself.

It was the storage i was looking for, but not the storage where they keep the regular supplies, no i wanted the magazine,  with the gunpowder and other things that preferably go boom.

It didn't take me long to find the magazine, i grabbed a small keg full of gunpowder and opened the lid, i carefully placed the dynamite stick i had brought with me in a small hole i made in the powder and pulled the fuse away from the keg. The fuse was around 1 meter long so i had plenty of time to get back on the ship and put some distance between us and the soon to be fireworks. I pulled out my lighter and set the fuse alight.

I quickly ran back to the opening i had pulled myself in through, i was about to crawl out when it hit me. 'What about the ones already on board our ship?'

"Shit, i need to lure them back to this ship," i said to myself.

Instead of crawling out i decided to run up the stairs, after going on for a while i reached the main deck.

On the deck stood a couple of pony soldiers, they looked my way when i threw up the door.

"You fuckers... never heard of an elevator?" i stood there panting.

"Who are you?" One of the armor clad ponies asked.

"Me? oh... just a... pirate..." i tried to catch my breath.

"Did he say pirate?" one of the ponies asked the other. "I think so," the other replied.

"Shouldn't we do something about that?" a third asked.

"Yes we should," one of the soldiers drew his word with his mouth, the other two with their hoofs.

"Ooh, things are starting to get interesting." my breathing was partially back to normal. I drew my sword and prepared for a fight.

The first pony to approach me lost his right hoof, the next one lost an eye, the third was unfortunate, i slipped with my sword and accidentally created a gash from his throat to his belly. I never knew i was such a natural when it came to melee combat, i had never even held a sword back on earth, yet this still felt strange, like the sword was guiding me.

A fourth pony approached from behind, i did a quick twirl sending his sword flying overboard, he rushed towards me but i used his own weight against him to launch the soldier towards our ship. That was thanks to my martial arts classes.

I jumped up on the railing to watch him fly but saw to my disappointment that he had already landed in a very painful looking position.

I noticed the half robot stallion looking at me, 'Time to have some fun' i thought.

I cupped my hands around my mouth and yelled, "Hey cyborg, i think you got a screw loose, COME AND GET IT!"

before i turned around and slapped my ass with my hand. I saw Onyx face palming, or was it facehoofing with these ponies?

"Why you insolent little...!" i could hear the Stallion saying before he walked up on the gangplank towards me, a large sword extending from his right leg.

"Stand back Silver shield, i will show you how to properly deal with thi-" was all he could shout back to Onyx before i jumped and planted my right foot on his face, i pushed away with my leg and landed safely on the deck of our ship.

"Now!" i yelled at the disguised unicorns that had been standing off by the side. Their horns quickly lit up as they used their magic to push the ships apart and send us off from the ship, the gangplank fell from the deck as the ponies barely managed to get aboard their own ship.

"Don't just stand there Silver Shield, take out that... thing!" Iron side shouted while pointing a metallic hoof at me.

"Nah, i don't think so." i could hear Onyx shout as she was enveloped in green flames and turned back into her own self.

"A changeling!? I should have known. Men, prepare to fire, i don't know what happened to Silver Shield and i don't honestly care, i want those freaks dead!" The half metal stallion shouted to his men.

I noticed how Onyx head dropped a little at the word freak. I just threw Iron Side a rude gesture by pressing my left arm across my right arms inside elbow and holding my right fist up.

It was about then i remembered that the ship in front of me was about to violently scatter across a very large area surrounding it.

"Shit, somebody get this ship moving before-" was all i could get out before an earth shattering explosion sent me flying across the deck.

(9) Extreme ship makeover.

= Artemis =

I was sitting in the conference room, the american ambassador opposite me leaned his arms on the table between us.

"It's not that hard of a choice, all we ask is that you simply withdraw and disassemble your forces from the south Atlantic ocean, set up a contract that delivers a total 95% of your total oil export to the united states. Then the-"

"No," I interrupted the ambassador.

"Excuse me?" he was somewhat shocked at my answer.

"Yeah, i know it's hard for you Americans to take no for an answer, seeing as how you have the UN in your pocket and over 50% of the worlds collective military power," I leaned in closer to the ambassador, "But there isn't a snowballs chance in hell that i will let my country be oppressed by your so called 'democracy'." i leaned back in my chair.

The ambassador was stunned, i think it's the first time he met a foreign nations representative with some actual guts.

After some time the ambassador responded, "I think you will find this choice... unwise." he said before he collected the documents he had brought with him and left the room.

I walked out of the conference room only to see the ambassador storm down the hallway, pushing people out the way.

"Hehe," i laughed to myself, my phone started ringing, i picked it up from my pocket answered it.

"I take it from your laughing that the meeting went well?" a female voice said.

"Yes, it went very well," my eyes followed the ambassador finally reaching the end of the hallway and making a right turn.

"Tell the president that i gave them his message, i suspect the US response will come within the hour." i continued.

"You don't think they will evacuate their embassy first?" the woman asked.

"No, i imagine their personnel is expendable, make sure to double check the SAM sites, they are made in USA after all." i answered. The woman laughed.

"Yes, i think that is best," she finished as she hung up the phone.

My eyes opened, i was lying in a hospital bed with a bunch of wires hooked up between me and a heart rate monitor.

"Huh, so i guess they do have some form of electricity." i mumbled before closing my eyes again.

"Sir, three F-16 incoming from the east!" the radar officer shouted from his position on the bridge.

"Deploy one of the Sky-Wings, make sure that those air crafts don't report our position." i ordered him.

"Sir yes sir." the officer said as he pushed a button and talked in to a microphone, "Three F-16 incoming, deploy a Sky-Wing to take them out." he said before returning to his post.

Moments later i could see how a underwater vessel shot out from the side of the aircraft carrier. It quickly pierced the surface, rising high into the air and flew off due east to eliminate the enemy jets approaching.

"Sir, 3 minutes off until we are in range of the american military base." another officer said from his position by the electronic map on the wall.

"Good, once we take out their pacific base in the Atlantic we will no longer have to worry about them launching an attack against the island belt." i said as i took a sip from a glass of water standing on the control desk in front of me.

"Sir, incoming call from the Pentagon," the communications operator said.

"Let it through, on the big screen please," i saw how a large screen lowered itself from the roof and lit up. On the screen i saw 10 different images of people sitting on a respective chair, they might not have been in the same room from what i could tell.

"Mentlegen, if you have something to say then say it quickly, war leaves little time for niceties towards the likes of you," i said as i took another sip of water.

"We know what you are trying to do Artemis, but know that if you go through with this then the consequences will be more than severe," the one in the middle said.

I chuckled slightly, "If only you had followed your own advice two months ago," i put the glass of water down again.

I saw how the knuckles whitened as the man who had talked tightened his fists, another one spoke "We know that was a foolish move. but there is no reason for you to-"

"I have every reason to completely snuff out your petty excuse for a nation!!" i interrupted the man, "you doomed yourself the day you sent the kill order on my mother, not to mention taking somebody i once loved hostage!" i continued.

"Your mistakes have been many and very foolish, it is time you realized that the United States isn't as great as you think, i will show the world that you aren't untouchable." i pressed a series of buttons and flipped off the safety switch.

"Please... Artemis, i beg of you, don't do it," a third man begged, "my daughter is serving on that military base, i will do anything, please just don't do this!"

I looked at the begging man, his face was that of utter despair, sweat mixing with tears.

"Sir, we are in range of the military base." i heard the navigation officer say.

"What is your name?" i asked the man.

"M-McCain." the man said.

"Well then mister McCain, i want you to remember this day, for this is the day i showed you what the united states put me through," i pressed the button.

"NOO!" The man yelled. but it was already too late, the missiles had been launched, within minutes their island military base would be nothing but a pile of smoldering rock.

I pressed another button and ended the call, "At least we won't be using nuclear warheads, they will be able to retrieve the bodies, if they find any." i said as i watched the missiles soar to the sky.

My eyes opened once more, i was back in the hospital bed, this time i saw Onyx and Ramon sitting at a table playing chess.

"Did somebody get the number on that truck?" i asked in a parched voice.

Ramon's ears snapped at the sound and turned to me, "hey, welcome back to the living Ah-temis," he said.

Onyx looked my way, "well well, look who's awake, you gave us a scare there." she walked up to the side of the bed.

"What happened?" i asked the changeling.

"Your plan worked, i think. Iron side's ship was turned to tinder, you were knocked unconscious by the blast." she explained.

"Where are we?" i looked around.

"We are in the Neighland hospital in Maneapolis, we arrived two days ago."

"What happened to our ship? the crew?"

"They are alright, the ship took minor damage from the explosion, and you were the only one who got injured."

"Well isn't that just my luck. Did you have any problems with the military when you arrived?"

"No, i disguised myself as Silver Shield and explained the ships damage as a failed ambush by diamond dogs. Currently we have Captain Bloodhoof in Maneapolis, but not to worry, as soon as you get better we will leave."

"We still need to get the stuff we came for."

"Already taken care off, the ship is ready with new crew members and supplies, i released the rescued slaves and ponies."

"They will surely run straight to Bloodhoof and tell him about us."

"I took an extra precaution and flushed the rescued slaves memories of us, all they will know is that a pirate band is in Equestria." Onyx smiled.

"Seems like you found some nice spell books eh?"

"Eeyup, the library had some very interesting things."

"So, do we have any money left after your little shopping spree?"

"Oh yes, the gems we changed in has us set for a good time." Onyx smirked.

"Niiice." i smiled back.

A nurse entered the room, she seemed uneasy around the diamond dog but the silvery stallion standing by the bed made her feel safe. She asked me a couple of questions and gave me shot, after that i was ready to leave.

Onyx had managed to get me some new clothes plus fix the ones that got damaged in the blast, the tailor had gotten my size right, though i think he got confused when he tried to make the underwear, But no matter, at least i didn't have to go naked.

When i saw the Kon-Tiki III i knew that Onyx had spent the money well.

The hull had been reinforced with steel plating painted light brown, almost golden.

I walked aboard the ship and met the new crew members.

"This is Iron Hoof, he is our new shipwright/when something breaks he fixes it." Onyx introduced the middle aged dark green colored stallion, a light grey beard on his chin. "Pleased ta meetcha." The stallion said in a strong Irish accent as he shook my hand to breaking point, still had to figure out how ponies do that with their hoofs.

"Next, our doctor and surgeon Doctor Liza Feelgood and her colleague/competitor Gearmaine Herblitz, specialist within robotics, prosthetics and engineering."

Liza was a white colored unicorn with strange specks of red in her fur, like she had been splattered with blood here and there, she had a light British accent when she spoke. Gearmaine was a chestnut colored Pegasus, her coat was covered with dark spots like she had crawled through an engine, her both back legs, her right wing and her left front leg had long been replaced by her own crazy machinery, she spoke with a hint of German accent.

"A pleasure to meet you," Feelgood said in good manners and shook my hand lightly.

Gearmaine had a slightly different way of shaking hand/hoof, she promptly spit in her right hoof and extended the sloppy thing, "How ya doin'?" she asked in a childish yet somewhat mature voice. I spit in my own hand and shook her hoof.

Lost boys never give up the opportunity to do a spit shake.

"Ugh, must you always be so filthy?" Feelgood asked Gearmaine.

"Forget my sister, she must always be so posh about things." Gearmaine explained to me.

"What, you two are sisters?" i took a look at them both and they were about as different as you can get, maybe that's the point.

"Yes, she is my sister from another mister." Feelgood explained.

"So, different fathers?" i asked them both

"Exactly!" Germaine exclaimed.

"Moving on," Onyx basically had to push me down the line of the new crew members that had been lined up on the deck.

"These are our new cooks, Sam Pepper and Rosemary." Sam was a light brown earth pony with tiny tiny black spots around his talent mark which was literally just a pepper shaker, nothing else. "Hello, nice to meet you" Sam said in a cockney accent.

Rosemary was also an earth pony, she had a green coat, dark pink tail and purple mane, "Hi," she simply greeted.

"That is everybody, i couldn't find a navigator that wasn't already enrolled with the military." Onyx explained.

"Have you told them about what we are?" i asked the changeling.

"You people be pirates right?!" i could hear Gearmaine shout from back down the line.

"That we are!" i shouted back.

"Whoooo!" i could see Gearmaine raise her front hoofs to the sky and promptly fall face first on the floor, her sister facehoofed.

"That be true everybody, we are pirates. My name is Artemis, i will be your captain. It is my intent to take this ship for a joyride across Equestria." i explained to the new crew members, "know that this will not be easy, we will surely attract the attention of the Equestrian military, i think i might set it as a goal to piss them off. We are pirates and we take shit from nobody, we do however take what we want and keelhaul anybody who stands in our way!"

They all roared a mighty "Yarr."

"Good, for now you are all dismissed, you are free to roam the ship but don't go ashore without my leave. Talk to Tony for information about your respective quarters, Tony being the black Gryphon that you often find gambling down in the mess hall." i finished.

Ten minutes later i was splashing water on my face in the bathroom in my personal quarters, as i removed the towel from my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror for the first time since i got here i was slightly shocked.

"The bloody...?" i checked my eyes, the left one was the regular violet i had been born with but the other one was a limey green. "Well, that is odd." i said as i moved on to look at my altered face.

"Hmm... eyes somewhat bigger, nose only slightly pointier, chin is a bit thinner, i guess it's not that bad for a cartoon/anime."

My hair had stayed the same way it was back on earth. I had a fauxhawk, which is much like a Mohawk except much shorter on the top, unshaven sides and the spikes pointing at a forward angle instead of straight up. It would be hard to notice since i always wore that fedora i had gotten, it suited me just fine.

"Well fuck, i had hoped to get a bit longer hair, but it is common knowledge that anime characters hair never grow except as a minor plot detail when they notice that they need to cut their hair." i ran my hand through my hair several times and the hairstyle didn't change even slightly.

"I really need to stop talking to myself, yes you do Artemis... yes you do." with that i went to bed for a nap. I jumped in the bed, closed my eyes and as usual didn't drift into sleep.

'That dream i had when i got knocked out was strange, i sure hope i don't get within blasting range of any more exploding ships.' i thought to myself as i got comfortable.

(10) My little naval warfare... in the air.

= Artemis, as usual =

"Mentlegen... is it better to be feared... loved... or respected?"

We were standing on the main deck, the entire crew in front of me, we just barely managed to fit everybody on the main deck of the ship, but i felt it necessary for what i was about to show them.

"I will let you give your own answer to that question, but i think you will find that all three would be nice AND easily obtainable once you have one of these." i lightly kicked the cannon sitting next to me, it was slightly smaller than a 24 pounder cannon you usually found on ye old ships like the Kon-Tiki III. It had special steel forging, making it more durable against the forces i was about to put it through.

"This... monstrosity of a weapon, will be one of the more important things keeping Celestia and her military from tearing us a structurally superfluous new behind." i continued.

I reached into one of my pocket on the tuxedo i was wearing, i had also donned my fedora and a pair of shades i had found in a store in Maneapolis. Out of my pocket i pulled a fairly large gem, it was orange with a hint of red in it.

"This is what makes the cannon works, i have found that gems, depending on what kind they are, have a much greater effect with a matching spell. This gem is set with a very powerful explosive spell. And that rock," i pointed towards a rock formation several hundred meters away from the ship, "is about to be reduced to a smoldering pile." i opened the chamber of the cannon and popped that sucker in.

"Now, the way this works is that another gem in the cannon automatically fires an activation spell on the explosives infused gem, in turn activating it. The special structure of the cannons insides then harness the effects of this spell and send it flying towards whatever it is pointing at. In layman's turn; point at whatever you want dead and pull the trigger." i closed the chamber and pressed a tiny little button that was sitting on top of the cannon, a low humming could be heard from inside.

"Now, it takes a while for the spell to bounce around a bit and get some real power going, depending on what spell it is, it can take up to just a few seconds to several minutes for this thing to be ready. For the convenience of this test i chose a spell that should be done about now." as if on cue the cannon made a light *pling* as if it was a microwave. The small button on the top of it started flashing red.

"There, done. Now, back where i come from there is a saying; 'The best weapon, is one you never have to fire.' i politely disagree with that. For i think that the best weapon is one that you only have to fire once... or twice depending on how good a shot you are." slight chuckles could be heard from the crew.

" So with that said, for your consideration, i give you..." i pressed the red flashing button.

A loud boom could be heard as the shot from the cannon reached by my calculations Mach 6½, give or take a few m/s.

"... the Artemis cannon." i could barely finish as i heard the shockwave closing in. I held down my hat to my head as the ship was pushed back several meters before somebody could grab the helm and make sure we didn't start to spin out of control.

I turned around and saw  that the massive rock formation had indeed been reduced to a small smoldering hill, steaming like an active volcano.

"Hmm... maybe i should have aimed it just a tad to the left," i angled my head slightly.

I felt a tap on my should and turned around, i saw Onyx standing there, her blue-green hair ruffled into a big afro like ball.

"Never... ever... do that again..." she said.

"No promises dear," i gave her a soft clap on the cheek, she just responded with a glowering stare.

"Naawh, you look so cute when you are angry," i almost lost my head there if it weren't for the lookout saving me.

"Captain! Four ships approaching from the northwest!" i heard him call down to us. I grabbed my spyglass and aimed it towards the four dots that could be seen far away.

"D'arvit! it's Captain Bloodhoof and his fleet, i guess they didn't like our showoff." i turned to Onyx, "I told you to put us far away from the city before we tested."

"I did! I have no idea how they could respond this fast."

"Well shit, that cannon is the only one operational, and it's still a prototype." i looked over to the cannon sitting on the main deck.

"Are you telling me that we have no way of defending ourselves?!" Onyx almost shouted.

"Oh don't go overreacting. Ramon, arm the crew with the dragon scale weapons, we are going full on attack this time."

Ramon nodded and went below deck with several crew members to get the newly made weapons from the armory.

I walked up to the helm as the crew made ready for battle. Tony was standing there holding the wheel.

"Alright Tony, take us towards those 4 ships right over there." i pointed towards the four objects that kept getting bigger and bigger.

Onyx walked up on the helm, "do you have any plan on how to take down four ships filled with trained military soldiers?" she asked.

"Nope, i was thinking of doing some improvisation once we actually get close." i shrugged.

"You can't be serious!" Onyx exclaimed.

"I'm always serious... with days off."

Onyx Facehoofed.

"That is really starting to become a bad habit for you." i said as i brought the spyglass to my right eye again and looked towards the ships.

It sure was the 4 equestrian ships i had read in the log about. The flag representing the sun goddess flying from the top of their masts.

"Onyx, would you kindly fly the Jolly Roger." i said.

"Sure." her horn lit up as i saw the flag i had made the night before.

It was a basic skull and bones flag but with my fedora painted onto the skulls head.

The fighters of the crew had gathered on the main deck, only half of the crew had actual combat skill, the others were the doctors, cooks and other such.

"Alright men, and women. This will be our first real battle with another ship and its crew.. We are going to pull up right along the ships and board them. These new weapons that have been fashioned from the dragon we killed before will cut through their armor like a hot knife through butter." i gestured towards the spears, swords and other such sharp, blunt, spiky and generally lethal weapons that the crew were holding.

We had to settle for steel plate armor since we only had dragon scale for the special plating of the ship and the weapons, we would have to kill another dragon if we wanted more.

The only armor that had been made from the dragon was the skin. Onyx had fixed with a tailor to reinforce my tuxedo with two layers of dragon skin on the inside of it, the dragon skin had been put between two layers of silk so that the rough leather didn't scratch against my skin. Torso, arms and legs were all protected by the new armor. It made moving around in the suit slightly more difficult but after some stretching i barely felt the difference.

"Pull us up right along the first ship, we are going to be jumping across and take them by surprise." i told Tony, he just nodded.

"Mentlegen, this is it! We are the dread pirates of Equestria! LET THERE BE NO SURVIVORS!!" I yelled as i drew my sword and raised it to the sky. The crew gave a loud 'Arrr!!' as they raised their weapons with me.

The Kon-Tiki III pulled up right along the first ship barely a meter across. I jumped up on the railing, "Send them to the Davy Jones' Locker!" i jumped across the small gap between the ships and landed on the other ships helm, the rest of the crew quickly followed but jumping between the main decks instead.

I was met with eight ponies standing on the helm, their weapons drawn and their eyes all fixed on me.

"This is gonna be fun." i approached the armed ponies.

=                   =

= Intermission =

=                   =

"Ouch!" Onyx winced.

"Now, what have we learned?" i asked the changeling as i swabbed the cut on her cheek with an alcohol drenched cotton ball.

"Don't go picking a fight with the large guy swinging a giant flail." she said in a sad tone and lowered her head as i finished swabbing and threw the cotton ball in the trashcan.

"Well... yes that is one, but the other is..." i put my hand under her chin and raised her head so our eyes met, she looked sad and defeated. "Don't fight them by latching onto their backs, holding on around their throat, screaming like a little girl and flailing around doing so." i finished, we both started laughing. The sadness completely erased from Onyx.

"The battle went better than i expected, we only lost 5 people and we managed to take down 4 ships worth of highly trained soldiers." Onyx went over the notes she had written down.

"Yeah... only..." i thought about the ones we lost.

"You know, it could be much worse."

"That's true. Now hold still." i picked out a plaster from the first aid box and stuck it to her cheek, "There we go, like new."

I suddenly heard a loud screaming coming from across the infirmary,

"For fucks sake just pull it out already! Aaaargh!!" i heard the voice scream.

"Who the-?" Onyx was interrupted by another scream.

"It's Catalina, she got hit in the leg by that crazy crossbow girl." i thought back at the mare who had wielded 2 fully automatic crossbows that shot 4 rounds each simultaneously.

"It's a miracle nobody else got hit by that." Onyx answered.

"Yeah, i should probably go check on her, she stopped screaming so either she died or they got her sedatives." i suddenly heard more screaming. "I stand corrected." i got up from the chair i had been sitting in and walked towards the source of the screaming and ranting about somebody's mother.

I approached the table where Catalina was lying, Doctor Feelgood, Gearmaine and Rough Rider were trying to hold her down while Feelgood kept struggling with the needle containing the sedative.

I stood next to them all taking in the sight, the arrow that Catalina had been struck with was still deeply embedded within her right leg, i could even see the tip of it sticking out on the other side.

"Hold still, i can't put it in if you keep moving around like that," Feelgood told Cat, her tongue sticking out in concentration, trying to guide the needle in.

I looked over Feelgood's shoulder "That's what she said,"

"You aren't exactly helping," Gearmaine said while dodging Catalina's claws from taking her face off.

"I don't really know how to help right now without risking a severe dismemberment." i looked at the furious fluffy flurry of ferocious fearsome furriness that was Catalina being held/strapped down by various people and restraining straps.

"Jeez, i guess bondage isn't on her 'Me Gusta' list." i said, dodging a rake for my neck.

"Are you going to stand there cracking sex jokes all day or are you actually going to help?" Rough Rider had already taken a flail to the side and holding down Catalina didn't help his broken ribs.

"Well, if you put it that way." i grabbed the shaft of the arrow, put my other hand on Cat's leg and pulled it straight out of her leg with just the tiniest sprinkle of blood following.

Catalina's body flexed so that her back was arched above the table, she then fell limp with a great groan escaping her mouth as her whole body relaxed.

"Holy ham in a hand basket, i didn't even need to give her the sedatives," Feelgood quickly stopped the flow of blood coming from Cat's leg and bandaged it up.

"Sometimes adrenaline is the best painkiller," i said as i looked at Catalina's face, she had a very satisfied expression as i could hear her purring, the tail flicking back and forth slowly.

"Well at least we won't have to worry about getting our faces non-surgically removed." Gearmaine said as she undid the straps and put Catalina on a stretcher. Rider put the other side of the stretcher on his back as they both carried Cat off and put her on a separate bed.

"Now if you excuse me, relieving my crew of pain has made me quite tired. If you need anything then i will be in my quarters napping." i yawned as i walked out of the infirmary and up the stairs.

I passed the mess hall where everybody who was still conscious after the fighting was sitting, many were covered in bandages and such. We had only suffered 5 losses but several had taken beatings that made them unable to fight in the near future.

A few minutes later i walked into the bathroom of my quarters, i took a quick shower, brushed my teeth and then went straight to bed.

"So far so good. lookout Celestia, there's a new kid in town."