Of Ponies and Muffins

Chapter 7: Job hunting is chaos

                After the sheer amounts of pain that Alex had suffered through from waking up by Cameron’s hand (literally, but technically since it’s actually a hoof), he nursed himself on his way back to the center of town where they would come up with a further plan. They had a place to stay (courtesy of Princess Luna) but they still did not have a way to support themselves.

                “Okay, so we can use your place as a decent base of operations while we're stuck here, until then we need to find ourselves jobs.” Said Cameron, fending off the worry of his situation, slightly alleviated by them having a place to stay. He had told Alex that he went to the library to sneakily sleep somewhere and to learn about where he was.

                “Hm... I think I saw a billboard in the center of town that we could check to see if there are any jobs we could do while we are here. It’s better than nothing at all,” suggested Alex. “At worst we could become street performers.”

                “And play what? I don’t know if you have noticed but the only things I can play right now are the bongos. Meanwhile you can use magic and can play anything from a guitar to a harp or lyre.” Said Cameron, not noticing that Alex had run over the bush and started puking his recently devoured cupcake at the mention of a lyre, dredging up some terrifying memories.

 “You could always become a maid; I always wondered what you would look like with a maids costume on. I think that it would be good for your self-esteem.” Replied Brian, who up until now had never given any input on their predicament. “However I do think that Alex would look better in it, he is the one who can control things with his mind.”

                “Shut up Brian, nopony is going to be wearing a maid’s outfit any time soon”or at least I hope not.

                “What?”

                “Nothing, it’s just Brian being Brian again. He said that you should become a maid.”

                “Please do me a favor and tell him to go buck himself.”

                “Will do. Okay, so here is the plan, you go on ahead to the board and see what jobs there are to be taken. I’m going back to the library to ask the owner if she knows anything about work in the town. See you in an hour or so.” With the plan set out before them they headed off in opposite directions.

                Alex trotted off in the direction of the town center, passing sugar cube corner as he went. He decided he would come back later and talk with Pinkie Pie about his recent hospitalization. He had just gotten to the billboard and had taken a mental note of the different jobs that were posted up, some not exactly his style but paid well enough. He decided on one a place called carousel boutique, seeing that it paid well and he would just be there as an assistant. He made a mental list of the other ones that Cam might like. He began to turn around to head back to house when he was suddenly blindsided by a grey Pegasus that Alex at first thought was Cameron.

                The Pegasus in question had a grey coat that was lighter than Cameron’s and had blond hair and gold eyes that seemed to be looking off in different directions. She had a mail bag with her and Alex assumed that she was likely delivering them. It took a minute but after Alex registered that he had just been hit by a Pegasus it was then that he noticed that his ribcage felt like it was hit by a jackhammer.

                “Uh, hey there...” Alex said with the same sort of confused reaction that he had when he had first arrived in Equestria at the palace. Great, I attempt to do something productive and a girl blocks my path. Why does this not happen in my life normally?

                “Sorry about that, didn't see you there. My name is Ditzy Doo.” said the mare, picking up a few letters that had become scattered around. She seemed nice enough, but Alex knew from some of his misadventures that she may not totally be there. “I just don’t know what went wrong.” At this Alex had a strange sense; like that the sentence she had just said was supposed to be there.

                “Ah its fine. Nopony is perfect anyhow.” He said in the joking tone that he only used when he had to deal with a girl. “Hey I know, why don’t we go to sugar cube corner and get something to eat. It’s kind of my fault for being in your way. It’s my treat.” Alex said, hoping to compensate for accidentally running into her. He still had a few bits and needed to talk to Pinkie anyhow. They headed back to the confectionery to deal with the psychotic pink mare, Alex planning on getting something sugar free if he could. He did not want a repeat of this morning all over again.

                Alex walked with the gray mare into the shop, hoping that he would not directly have to deal with the pink mare again. Then he began to feel breathing down his neck from the opposite side that Ditzy was on.

                “Pinkie is standing right next to me, isn’t she?” Alex said with the same voice that you would hear from a cartoon character in the same situation. Alex sighed as Ditzy shook her head, confirming his suspicions. “I’m not even going to bother asking how she got there without me noticing, I think just attempting to figure it out would make my brain explode.”

                “So, back for another cupcake?” The mare said with a disturbingly large smile on her face. Alex now assumed that she was going to intentionally attempt to kill him for the rest of his stay in this world filled with maniacs.

                “No, I think I’m going to go for something sugar free this time. One trip to the hospital and pain unimaginable is enough for today, but thanks for the offer. Do you have any muffins?” Alex said as he was aware of the Pegasus suddenly grinning, with a wild look in her eyes that one could immediately assume was akin to an obsessed persons look when it came to their favorite subject.

                “Yeah, we have a few muffins for sale. But wouldn’t you prefer a delicious cupcake instead? They are freshly made!” She exclaimed, the same twitch in her eye as before.

                    Alex glanced back and forth between Ditzy and Pinkie thinking how best to deal with the situation at hoof. “Actually, I prefer muffins over cupcakes.” He said with a wink at Ditzy. If he was going to be stuck in another world, he might as well get in a relationship. However he was stopped from making any more suggestive comments before he was knocked over by the door behind him being bucked open.

                “Crimson! We have an emergency of impossibly large proportions!” Alex exclaimed, clearly disturbed and afraid of whatever had happened. He took a few deep breaths and looked around at who else was in the shop. He saw Pinkie put on his best poker face. “And no Pinkie, this is not a party emergency and put away the party cannon. Being hit by that thing is not fun.”

                “Okay then,” Alex said. “What is the emergency so important that you kicked the door open while I try and get a date?”

                “Brian got out.”

                “Well that doesn’t…. Wait, what?”

^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^

                After Cameron and Alex had separated to go their different ways, Cameron had set out to the library. He wanted to know a few more things and also wanted to see if she knew anything about jobs around town. He assumed that she may know a few more things than were posted p on the board. Cameron trotted up to the library entrance, hoping that Twilight was in and not out doing something else. He opened up to door to see a large tube of water in front of him, Twilight standing near it.

                “Hello again. What exactly is this thing for?” Cameron asked, wondering why this would possibly be here.

                “Hey, I’m just doing some experiments. I’m trying to separate the salt water into its base components using magic. So far I have yet to get a good result.” She said, more focused on her work than him.

                “Okay, do you know if there are any good jobs up around town? I’m out of work and I would like to see if I can get something to do.” Cameron asked, knowing well enough that if she couldn't think of anything for him he still had Alex to fall back to for jobs.

                “Nothing I can readily think of, aside from my friend Rarity looking for an assistant.” At the mention of the mare that he met earlier Cameron shuddered. Dealing with her once was more than enough. “Anyways I should be able to separate these things fully with this spell.” She began to charge up her magic, creating the glow around her horn. She began to fire the spell but the most inconvenient of circumstances presented itself right as she fired. She sneezed. After the quick sneeze, her spell went off course and of course went to the disaster magnet that we have come to know as Cameron.

                The blast hit him full force, sensing him flying back into the book case behind him. The blast itself did not hurt like he had expected, although he had wicked headache. He got up, eyes adjusting to his surroundings since he had practically been blinded by the blast. “Well, looks like I’m still in one piece. Looks like the spell was a dud, good thing to or else I might just be atomized.” Cameron said with relief that for once he did not end up a victim as usual and he walked away from this without some kind of problem.

                Twilight just stared at him, open mouthed at the sight she was seeing. Cameron was slightly confused at why she was looking at him. “What, did I turn into a floating waffle or something?”

                “So this is what it’s like to have a body. Man, I could really go for a taco.” The voice behind Cameron said who he immediately recognized as a constant plague on his life. Filled with sheer terror at what he was about to see, Cameron turned around to see a fully bodied Brian standing there. “Sup?” Brian as a pony was actually quite good. He had an evenly split mane that had black on one side and electric blue on another. He had gotten blood red eyes that seemed to be the opposite of Cameron’s blue. Whereas Cameron and Alex had become a Pegasus and Unicorn, Brian had gotten the draw of becoming an Earth pony. He had a single feather for a mark, and Cameron realized after quickly looking that he was missing one of his two that he had.

                “Oh sweet merciful Celestia Twilight, what have you done.” Cameron said, slowly turning towards the Purple Unicorn. “This is not going to end well for anypony.” Over the years, Cameron had made a list of things that should never be allowed to happen. #2 on that list (just under giving Alex the ability to travel through all of space and time) was Brian having a body. Brian could occasionally control Cameron’s body a little so that he could making do something incredibly awkward, but that was nothing compared to giving him a body to himself.

                “Well, I can see that I can do as I please now. So my first order of business is to enjoy myself. Quickly, new body. TO THE CLUB!” Brian exclaimed as he galloped out of the library past a rather confused looking dragon.

                “Who was that?” Spike asked, wondering about the mysterious newcomer that had come out of nowhere.”

                “That, Spike, is nothing good in the slightest.” Said Cameron, fearing for the people of the town.

Chapter 8: Pinkie and the Brain

                Cameron and Alex walked galloped around the town, searching for Brian who evidently was causing mass havoc. The spa was overflowing with bubbles and Cameron swore that he saw something implode off in the distance. Brian had also systematically gone about and reorganized all of the public files at the town hall so that they would spell out quotes from movies. He had finally stopped when he had done an ever so famous line from pulp fiction.

                “How has he had time to do this? You said that he only got a body about half an hour ago!” How a single entity could cause this much mayhem so quickly was beyond him.

                “This is Brian we are dealing with, if he couldn’t do all of this then I think he would be disappointed in his own abilities. Besides, he’s had years to come up with pranks and never has been able to execute them. Now that he has a body he is more dangerous than I think anything on earth is.” He knew someone with a mind like Brian (which technically was his mind) would cause massive amounts of destruction if allowed to roam free.

                After tracking down some of the carnage to an apple orchard where all of the apples had been repainted Neon colors, they began to lose hope in finding Brian. “Okay, so if I were a psycho maniac who never has had a body before, where would I go?” Alex asked, pondering the question that now plagued their minds. “Oh no…. I figure out where he went Cam.”

                “Seriously? Where do you think he went? He’s practically done half the town already, what could he possibly want.”

                “Okay, let me answer that question with another question. If you had never been able to touch, feel, or taste? And especially if you knew about a candy store in the immediate vicinity? What would you do then?”

                “Oh sweet bacon bits….. He’s at sugar cube corner.” With the realization of a being that had a plan to prank an entire world was about to make contact with a pony that broke the saws of science itself, they knew that it was about to get incredibly dangerous to be in Ponyville.

                Cameron decided that now would be a good time to fly as fast as he could, while Alex figured out how to teleport (which was a series of hilarious misadventures) they made their own ways to the confectionary. Cameron got there first and had to wait a few minutes for Alex to show up. When he arrived he was a little bit disgruntled.

                “Why are you covered in jelly?”

                “DON’T. ASK.” Said Alex, quickly making a pulse of magic to get the sticky substance off of himself.

                “Fine by me, oaky so once we get Brian how are we going to go about making me and him into the same pony again?” Cameron asked, wondering what to do after this.

                “Well, I guess we just drag him back to whoever split you up in the first place.” Alex suggested. “If they can break you they can fix you, right?”

                “I suppose so; hopefully she can counteract the effects of the spell. I think I prefer a Brian that whines and complains versus one that can pull pranks any day of the year.” Cameron said, hoping that he would be able to get rid of the hardcopy Brian. He only kept him around because he was about a thousand times better with girls than he was.

                The dynamic duo entered the store, bracing themselves for the worst. After looking around they spotted Brian sitting at a table, eating a waffle covered in frosting. He quickly devoured it and then proceeded to talk to the pink pony across from him. “So, what do you do for fun?”

                “Pinkie! Whatever you do don’t trust him. He’s completely mad with power and he’s planning something…. Evil I guess… Look, I don’t know what he’s planning but he already flooded the spa and reorganized the files at the town hall in theatrical order.” Exclaimed Cameron, half aware that he may have just created a wholly new term for organization. “He cannot be trusted!”

                “Well he’s just playing pranks, I do that all the time and I can be trusted.” Replied Pinkie. “What is so wrong with a few little pranks?”. Cameron knew that this was going downhill fast; he needed a way to take care of Brian. Then an idea came to him so crazy that it may just work.

                “But Pinkie, you don’t understand. He is completely evil, so evil in fact that he hates parties. And I mean, hates them.” Cameron knew this was a desperate bid, if nothing else she would get mad at him and leave. However the reaction he got was a bit more extreme than anypony could ever expect.

                Pinkie had a crazed look in her eye. Alex had gone out with some absolutely psychotic chicks that looked crazy but this was a whole different league. Her hair went flat and her coat seemed to dim by a few shades, however it was when her head twisted clockwise and everypony in the store heard a audible crack was the time that Cameron had realized his mistake. “He. Doesn’t. Like. Parties?” She said, eye twitching at the concept. She then reached behind herself and wheeled out the dreaded party cannon, aiming it at Brian. She fired off the cannon, full blast just a foot away from Brian. Cameron himself knew the power of the cannon and winced at the sight before him. Brian got blasted the entire length of the store, landing in a rather large cake that was situated in a corner.

                “Of course he gets to land in something cushy. And of course it’s something that’s delicious.” Cameron complained, recalling his experiences with the cannon. With Brian now done for the count the twosome realized they now had to deal with a psycho mare with a cannon. “Pinkie, put away the cannon. Nopony needs to get hurt now. Just calm down.”

                Of course she simply ignored his plea and proceeded to turn the cannon towards them. “You.” She said, staring straight at Cameron. “You didn’t want me to throw you a party when I first met you.”

Oh buck. She remembers that. “Uh… Pinkie? You just need to calm down. It’s not that I didn’t want a party, it’s just that I was busy and everything.” Cameron said, voice (and knees) shaking at the prospect of his imminent death at the hands of the pony in front of him. Cameron could see no possible way out of this that would not end with his head on a sugar coated platter.

                Alex looked at the scene in front of him. Cameron was about to lose it, Brian was buried underneath several pounds of frosting and cake. And he realized he still had several bits of jelly still lodged in his mane. This was going nowhere painfully slowly. He needed a way to end this quickly, and realized that he could likely solve the problem and get revenge on Cameron all at the same time. “Pinkie, I think Shadow REALLY wants a party. Why not throw one for him? He always likes parties, especially when he’s the center of attention and can’t leave them!” Alex said, giving a look at Cameron that just screamed “yeah, you saw this coming”.

                At the concept of throwing a party, the cannon wielding maniac’s hair went back to its usual pomp and she looked like herself again. “Yay, now I can throw him a party! Since this one got held off for so long I can use the piñata I stored in the cellar. It’s filled with my excess cupcakes!” She exclaimed, hurrying off into the cellar.

                “Uh, okay Pinkie. We need to take care of Brian so we’ll be back in an hour or so. See you soon” huh. That went a lot better than I expected. Is that seriously all it takes to get her to calm down? Alex asked himself. After he got Cameron to stop shaking he went over to the cake and dragged an unconscious Brian from the delicious mess.

                “Okay, next stop the library. I am just DONE with this. Come on Al, let’s get going.” And so they set off, dragging an unconscious pony across the whole of town, not even bothering to clean him up. As one could guess, they received a lot of stares from bystanders, many asking what happened. Instead of telling them everything they simply said “Pinkie happened”.

                After arriving at the library and dragging him inside, they had to explain everything that happened to Twilight, wondering why he was covered in frosting.

                “Okay, that explains how he got like this but where did he come from?”

                “Remember how you had a spell that separated things from each other?

                “Yeah, I also remember that I hit you with that… Sorry, by the way.

                “Well, to make things simple he was an annoying sort of splinter personality in my head that refused to go away and I thought he had managed to gain his own sentience. When you hit me with that spell he must have separated himself and somehow got a body in the process.”

                “Huh…. So do you want me to put him back in?”

                “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea, especially before he wakes back up. He already caused several problems around town and I don’t want him to cause any more problems”

                “Okay, now brace yourself.” She said, charging up a magi blast that would (hopefully) make Brian and Cameron the same entity once more (despite how much Cameron dreaded the concept). After he got hit by this magic blast he began to notice a rather annoying tingling sensation, quickly followed by a pain unlike anything he had ever felt before. “OH CELESTIA WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUCH?” He screamed, noting that his voice was higher than it should have been. He doubled over from the pain, vision blurring as well. He got up and immediately head Alex attempting to stifle a laugh. “What’s so funny?” He noticed that his voice still had yet to go back down to its normal pitch. The pain had gone as quickly as it had come, but he felt like something was off, but you just couldn’t put a hoof on it.

                “Dude, I seriously want to take a picture of this”

                “Wait, Brian why are you still out here?”

                “Uh, Shadow? I think you need to see what happened to you.”  Twilight said, horn glowing as she picked up a mirror to show Cameron what everyone thought was so funny.

                She moved the mirror in front of Cameron, who at the sight of himself screamed so loudly that he doubt that he would have broken his vocal chords were he still a guy. “Oh sweet adorable pugs in a cardboard box. I’m a girl.”