Unit Name: Phony Paige
Role: A.I. Experimental Model
Operating System No#: OS MODEL D74-A3WF-77UI “Quickstep”
Species Designated: Earth Pony
Cutie Mark: Calculator
Special Skill: ASSIGNED SKILL: HIGH MATHEMATICAL APTITUDE
Colours: Coat: Light Blue. Mane/Tail: Dark Blue W Silver Streaks
Experiment Stage: Public Testing.
Data:
Phony Paige is a fifth generation A.I. unit, initially conceptualized roughly ten years prior to current date as a robotic assistant with base programming that has since expanded into a true A.I.. All stages of this experiment have had approval of the Royal Sisters, full support is expected.
She is moderately intelligent, having to learn as most Ponies do, but has very advanced mathematical knowledge; as such her Cutie Mark is a calculator, and her role in society is as a banker. It is a good cover for her unnatural origin, allowing her to blend with society better. No access to magic has been granted this unit, as it is still unknown how magic would affect the A.I.
*****
Phony Paige’s written log entries: *IMPORTANT LOGS ONLY*
Day 1 May 12th: Today was my birthday. I was awoken and given my assignments, to enter Trottingham and blend into the rest of the townsfolk, to see how well I am accepted. I have been instructed to keep a written log of all of my findings, starting with today, and to denote any irregularities or problems I encounter. Hopefully everything will go smoothly.
*Private log entry #1: I’m so excited, being trusted on my own in a town of other ponies! I hope I meet somepony nice to talk to!*
Day 3 May 14th: I arrived in Trottingham at 10:25 AM, and was soon introduced to the Mayor of the town. Shortly thereafter, I was led to what is now my home (paid for in full by CL0PTech), and I soon set up a private room for my maintenance needs with no windows to the outside and heavy locks on the door. For the sake of blending in, I shall feign sleep at night and make use of the bed. My refrigerator, while fully stocked, should not see much use from me but for the sake of my cover I will ingest food.
I met another pony (besides the Mayor or my handlers back at CL0PTech) today. His name is Silent Quill, and he is a Unicorn author. He was rather antisocial, only sparing me short words or glances, but my outside appearance did manage to fool him into thinking of me as just another pony. No other remarkable events require noting.
*Private log entry #2: Oh my Celestia today was so much fun! I moved into my new house today, and while I didn’t much like the boring white it is all painted inside, I do like that the paint is washable and the nice slate tiles of most of the house. I put all of my personal maintenance equipment into a specially built room within the heart of the house so that I wouldn’t be caught by outsiders when performing emergency maintenance on myself.
I went out and met somepony, too! Silent Quill is nice, if a bit distant, but I get the impression that I may be seeing more of him in days to come! Oh! I think I may have made a friend!*
(As of day 100, Phony Paige’s logs become mixed, and she no longer bothers to separate them, as we have been noting them as well and have informed her that she should not bother, so as to break that barrier between artificial and real.)
Day 135 September 23rd: CRITICAL VIOLATION OF MISSION PARAMETERS! Silent Quill came around to my home today for lunch. I accidentally cut myself with a knife cutting sandwiches, and asked him to excuse me while I went and fetched an adhesive bandage (actual destination: maintenance room.) I repaired the superficial damage and headed to the bathroom to fetch a real adhesive bandage, forgetting to close and lock my maintenance room behind me. During my search, Silent found the hidden room. It appears that he has been quite unnerved, and has left a note instructing me to call him so we can talk about the room. I am unsure how to act from here; I know that CL0PTech are monitoring my log entries, and I am formally requesting advice. I… I don’t know what to do, and don’t want to lose my first friend, and possibly the friendship of the whole town.
Please; help me.
Day 136 September 24th: After being in contact with CL0PTech at length over this disastrous event, I have managed to plea for my continued stay at my home (and subsequently stay alive.) A handler has arrived today to assist me in talking with Silent Quill tomorrow at an arranged time. He has been asked to bring the others with him, as it’s likely that he’s told –at least- Holly Seams. The handler has told me that I’ve broken a very serious code, and that I’ve jeopardized the experiment, possibly to the point of having to pull the plug.
I… I’m afraid.
Day 137 September 25th: I didn’t sleep last night, too nervous to continue my usual routine. Silent Quill arrived at 10:00 with my other friends (Holly Seams, Snowy Doublescoop, Saddleblaze, Clank Clop, and Whiterobe.) Our conversation is recorded below.
“Welcome, everyone. This is quite a serious matter, and you have all been called here as Phony Paige’s closest friends to discuss something that I believe Mr Quill uncovered unwittingly.” Handler Darn began.
“What’s going on?” Snowy Doublescoop asked. “All I’ve been told is that there’s something wrong with Paige…”
Handler Darn replied calmly. “I’ll start at the beginning. I work for CL0PTech, robotics division. For several decades one of our pet projects was an autonomous computer, A.I.”
“And… I am the fruit of their labors.” I mumbled.
It was at this point that everyone seemed most distrustful, as if I were lying, and I looked to Handler Darn for help.
“She is quite correct;” He asserted, “Phony Paige is our crowning glory. We have done extensive laboratory testing on both her A.I. and her physical components, and our final step was to public test the guise of normalcy.”
I felt horrible. I sat on the couch next to Handler Dean almost openly crying at the glares I was receiving from my friends, the looks of broken trust. As much as I had been afraid of being deactivated last night… I almost welcomed the idea now.
“Paige;” Clank began, “Is there anything you want to say to us?”
I was cowering now, trying my hardest to avoid curling into a ball and just crying hopelessly. I nodded my affirmation.
“I… I’m sorry. I was under orders to keep it a secret, I couldn’t tell anyone…”
“So all this time, it’s all been a lie?” Whiterobe asked.
“N-no! I…!”
“You what? You wish you could take this all back and act like it had never happened? Act like you are a real Pony? Is that what you think?”
“I’m sorry! Please..! If I… if I lose you all… I might as well be deactivated and put in a scrap heap. I don’t want to lose you.”
“How can we believe you, if you’re not even a real pony?”
At this point I had given up resisting and had curled up, hiding my face from those around me.
“I just want to live.”
There was an awkward silence after this statement, broken by Silent Quill.
“What?”
“I… My experiment stage was to see if A.I. could blend into Pony society, to see how well I am accepted. My only purpose was to make friends with real ponies. If I failed that… I die. If I lose you, my only friends… I might as well have never been born in the first place. Me pretending to be a real Pony, eating and sleeping and stuff like that, it was all an act; but my friendship with all of you… how could I fake it? Pretending to be somepony’s friend isn’t something I can do, I… I don’t know how.”
I waited for a few moments, as if they would say something, anything, to make me feel better. When they didn’t, I rose from my seat on the couch and nodded to Handler Darn.
“I’ll go get my things.”
I walked to the door, stopped only when I neared it by Silent Quill’s voice.
“Where’re you going?”
“To gather my things.” I replied. “Clearly I have failed my assignment, therefore I must be defective; I shall go with Handler Darn to be disassembled, and be out of your lives.”
I reached my private room, unlocking the door and stepping inside when I was tapped on my back by Saddle.
“Have you come to rub it in, Miss Blaze?” I asked, returning to a cold, robotic way of talking.
“Paige.” She began carefully, eyeing the schematics and tools strewn neatly through my room. “Don’t go.”
“I-“
“You don’t need to go.” She stressed. “You’ve not lost all of your friends, I still trust you.”
“But I lied to you.”
“Not about the important stuff. I believe you, when you said that you truly want to be our friend. Please, it’s not important what you are. If we were to judge ponies on what they are, Pegasi wouldn’t associate with Unicorn or Earth Ponies, nor would the others with anything but their own kind. Life isn’t about what you are, but who you are; and I like you.
“Please, Paige; don’t go.”
Day 138 September 26th: I have been contacted by CL0PTech C.O. that I have not been put onto the deactivation list, and that I have been granted civilian status. They will continue to monitor my progress, and shall continue to provide support for any serious hardware issues I may encounter. A letter arrived from Princess Celestia herself telling me that I had been instated as a true civilian of Equestria. Most ponies would be greatly honoured to have received such an article as a letter from Celestia herself, and I must admit it looks great in its frame upon my wall, but…
I’m most honoured by the friends I have managed to keep.
Author's Note
This is only the preamble to Phony Paige's story, I apologise for the... style in which it has been written, but I intended for it to be more of a data file exposition on her.
Phony Paige sighed heavily. It had been a drearily long day, and she had finished the work that her cover job had assigned her hours ago. Usually the only thing she looked forward to every day was going home and writing her daily report, though recently she had been told to keep them to either important events or weekly and as such today would probably be another painfully dull day.
She looked down to the paperwork before her, all neatly stacked in a pile, stapled, sorted numerically, finished. She spared a glance to the clock on the opposite wall before simply grumbling as she shifted all of the account work into a saddlebag and slung it over her back. She dawdled to the desk of her supervisors’ secretary and the promptly moved her paperwork from her bags to the desk.
“I have finished my work.”
The secretary, a unicorn called Marky, eyed her wearily.
“Then return to your desk.” He said down his nose.
Everyone seemed to talk like that around here…
“I…”
“Hmm?”
“I thought I could head home, since I have no further work to do for the day?”
He snorted at her derisively.
“You will be here until five, like the rest of us. Whether or not you have work to do is irrelevant, you are not special and will not be treated as such.”
The door to Paige’s supervisor’s office creaked open, and the male Pegasus strolled out, noticing her and his secretary.
“Something wrong?”
“Not at all, sir.” Marky replied snidely. “Phony Paige is simply being told that she may not leave early.”
The Pegasus raised an eyebrow curiously. “Why would she be asking?”
“I’ve finished all of my work, sir.” She said, cutting in before Marky could speak.
“Oh,” the Pegasus, Bucky, blurted in his second-long shock, “but there was enough work there for several da-” He cut himself off when he noticed the veritable mountain of paper on Marky’s desk. “You… you finished all that with time to spare?”
Paige nodded. “It wasn’t exactly rocket-science, sir.”
Bucky gave a hearty chuckle. “Well, if you’ve truly finished everything, I don’t see why you can’t go home. You’re not being paid hourly, but I don’t see a problem.”
“But sir!”
“Now, now, Marky; maybe this could become an incentive to finish work early, hmm? Besides, she’s done enough work to keep me busy for days; I think that, if anything merits a reward.” He nodded to Paige faintly. “Go on, have a good day.”
Phony Paige smiled. “Thank you, sir.”
Hurriedly she moved back to her desk, collecting her things and leaving the building. Maybe she could find something interesting about today after all.
She headed home, intending to put her belongings away at home and go out for the evening. The day was, as is almost every summer day in Equestria, was sunny and warm; ponies taking great pains to avoid doing things that would only make them more uncomfortable.
Paige wasn’t bothered, however; her body used sophisticated cooling systems to keep her from overheating. She’d once stood in the middle of a room full of fire and been unharmed.
She was dawdling, idly mulling over quiet thoughts of what to do for the night in her head as she walked home. Admittedly she was distracted, not so much watching the world around her as running on autopilot as she thought, letting her feet guide her home. She was pulled from her thoughtful reprieve from reality by a Hoof-ball slapping against her face and knocking her down. It hadn’t really hurt her, but playing the part was an important piece of her disguise of normalcy.
She stood and shook her head as a filly and colt ran over to collect the ball.
“We’re sorry, Miss Paige!” The filly quickly apologised.
“I am quite alright, Roseheart.” Paige replied quietly. “Just be a little more careful in future, hmm? You could have hurt someone.”
“We will!”
With that the young ponies ran back to the schoolyard, kicking the ball to another filly on the yard. Clank Clop, the schools’ sports teacher, walked over and nodded to her.
“You sure you’re alright, Paige?” He asked worriedly before adding, “wouldn’t want any o’ them chips in yer head to come loose now,” sarcastically.
Paige chuckled gently. “No, I am quite fine; it’ll take more than a Hoof-ball to hurt me.” She replied with a smile, before giving him a stern look. “Though do keep your voice down.”
He nodded. “Right, sorry, forgot you were still undercover.”
Paige nodded to him before disinterestedly following his gaze and watching his students. Clank had been a Royal Guard for many years, his special talent of high physical fitness getting him the job easy, but he found it to not be where his heart lay, and soon retired for a job of teaching physical education to young colts and fillies. In his own words, it had something being a guard lacked, though he wasn’t sure what.
His wife, Whiterobe, often jokingly said that it was probably movement.
“By the way, Paige…”
Paige snapped out of her own little world at the sound of her name.
“Huh? Sorry, what?”
“Doublescoop was planning a little shindig this afternoon, we were unsure if you would be interested.” Clank said, dismissing her momentary confusion. He’d been a school teacher for over four years, during which he’d seen his fair share of bubble-headedness. He’d always found that politely ignoring the student’s confusion and continuing on usually yielded no worse results than badgering the student about what they were distracted by.
“Uh, sure, why not?” Paige responded shyly. “It’s not like I had anything else to do this evening. Nothing major has come up, so I don’t have to write a report, thus I don’t have anything planned. I’d love to go.” She paused for a moment or two before turning her face on him. “Why unsure about bringing me along?”
Clank Clop nervously shuffled his hooves. “Well…” he began weakly, “its cider season and we were thinking of going out to enjoy some of this seasons’ finest. We… weren’t sure if you would be interested.”
Paige shrugged faintly. “I’d love to go, but I’m not affected by cider… I can appreciate its taste, but I don’t get the personality altering after-effects if you know what I mean.”
Clank grinned. “Well, if that’s what you think…”
Now Paige sighed irritably. “What?”
“One o’ Trottingham’s ace builders, Roof Raiser, holds a drinking contest every year at the Heavy Hoof; we usually enter Doublescoop; if he can survive his Deathscoop without brain-freeze we figure that surely he can hold his own with cider, but we’ve yet to beat her…”
Phony gave him an irked look. “Let me guess,” she began flatly, “you want me to enter.”
“C’mon, you’d be perfect!”
“I would not.”
“Why not?!”
“Because I can’t get tipsy; don’t you think that ponies would suspect something if I were to down several dozen ciders without any effect?”
Clank sighed in defeat. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Don’t worry; you’ll beat her one day.” Paige assured. “And the victory will be all the sweeter, even if, at the time, you can’t feel your knees.”
“I guess you’re right.”
Paige smiled faintly. “Anyway, with something to do tonight, I’d best be off home. Don’t want to show up tonight looking like I just got out of bed.”
Clank looked her up and down.
“You look fine now…”
“Hey, hey, keep those eyes to yourself and your wife, Clank.” She replied slyly. “I imagine Whiterobe would be quite irked if she knew you were looking up another mare.”
“You’re not exactly a mare, Paige, but I do see your point.”
Paige stamped a hoof. “I am of female shape and adult size, I am a mare.”
“You are female shape and adult size of a body made from metals, you are younger than the youngest filly under my instruction, but I am unsure of calling you either.”
“And that makes thinking of dating a nightmare, let me tell you.” She grumbled. “I’m practically a filly!”
“Ah, age is no sign of maturity.”
“No, but it is a sign of age.” She snipped. “There are laws.”
Clank chuckled gently, shaking his head a little before a pair of fillies ran up to him.
“Mr Clop, Carty’s bullying us!”
“Now, now; what have I told you about bullies?”
The pair of fillies tilted their heads to him, genuinely having forgotten. Clank Clop smiled.
“The cure to a bully is not to be soft, but sharp. Give the hoof-ball a swift kick at him a few times; if you hit him, he’ll come to me and I’ll sort it out.”
“You want them to aim at him?!” Paige asked worriedly after the fillies had hurried off.
“Eeyup.”
“Why?”
“Carty is a bully who doesn’t know the consequences of his actions. His father has a spine made of sponge and his mother caters to his every demand, they’re raising a little terror. Other teachers couldn’t deal with him so they gave him to me.”
“Just his luck.”
“Oh indeed.” Clank said with a grin. “First day I had the foal he had Roseheart in tears and the rest of the class cowering before I showed up.”
“And after you arrived at class?”
“I had him crying like Equestria was ending within two minutes, and his father showed up to berate me over harassing his son. I did my time with the Royal Guard, and I ain’t intimidated by some hoity-toity jeweller and his smug little brat. My drill sergeant had me standing before Celestia herself on the first day of being in the Guard; that scared the flank off me.”
Paige thought about his previous statement for a moment.
“… Why were you stood before Celestia, what in Equestria did you do?”
He shuffled a hoof nervously. “I… tried to arrest Celestia’s protégée for trespassing…”
Paige laughed loudly for a moment before shoving a hoof over her mouth to muffle herself into sniggering.
“I-it wasn’t my fault! I was young; the older guards told me that she was trespassing..! Celestia let me off because I was a fresh recruit, but after that I couldn’t even look at Twilight Sparkle without freezing up and cowering like a foal in a thunderstorm.”
Somewhere, miles away in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle sneezed.
“Anyway, on our previous topic of your dating worries,”
“There’s a line to continue a conversation on…” She added sarcastically.
“I would say that you are quite safe from legal worries.” He continued, ignoring her comment. “You look, and act, like an adult, so I say you’re perfectly fine. You could send a letter to Celestia if you really want.”
Paige shrugged as she moved to walk off. “I might.” She said with a smile. “And I’ll say you suggested it.”
She giggled as he shuddered, walking away from him to her home.
She met another of her friends at her front door, Silent Quill. The unicorn didn’t take a huge amount of time out of his busy schedule writing to socialize, so she cheerfully let him inside for a chat. She’d initially found it odd how inevitably the conversation would turn to her… peculiarity, but over the months she’d known him, she’d simply understood it to be his natural curiosity; he wanted to know how she worked, so she could write it into stories with better understanding. She was all too willing to share her knowledge about her mechanical anatomy with him over tea and biscuits.
Today, however, she was mildly distracted with the evening’s get-together, and he snapped her attention back to him with a question.
“So, d’you think you’ll ever show me how you really look?”
She blinked back to reality, her attention falling back to Equestria with an almost audible thump.
“I… don’t think you’d ever be interested in that,” she replied with a mumble, “I’m… not for the faint of heart.”
“But-“
“Or stomach.” She added.
Quill smiled faintly.
“Come now, you don’t think I’m strong enough to see..?”
She sighed. “You… might be. But… I’m not ready to show you.”
“Well, I look forward to it.” He said, taking a sip of his tea.
She nodded faintly, mumbling “don’t be…” to herself quietly.
“Have you seen Saddleblaze lately?” Quill asked conversationally.
“Can’t say I have..? Something up?”
Quill smiled conspiratorially. “Word has it that she’s been spending a lot of time with Doublescoop at her house.”
“And?” She asked, puzzled. “They’re friends, it makes sense that they’d want to hang out together once in a while. You come here a lot.”
“Yes, but with flowers and chocolates?”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
Quill looked at her like she’d lost her marbles for a moment. “I- they- that is-“
“Hmm?”
He sighed. “The common thought is that they’re dating.” He said. “Hence the common visits, flowers and chocolates.”
Paige blinked at him.
“Romantically involved you mean?”
Quill sighed again.
“Yes, Paige, I didn’t think it’d need to be made that simple.”
She blinked at him again before staring at the far wall. “…Huh.” She blurted. “I honestly didn’t think about the possibility.” She admitted before returning her attention to his. “Do you think they’re…”
“Would rather not know!” Quill half shouted. “And it’s not something one probes into, young lady.”
She eyed him thoughtfully. “If you say so.” She mumbled. “Are you going tonight?”
He nodded. “I love cider as much as the next Colt.” He said. “Though I’m not entering the contest; I actually value my liver.”
“Do those who enter-“
“I’m sure they do, Paige, it’s just a figure of speech.” He snipped. “You’re still so literal; I thought you’d developed a more flexible interaction database?”
“I have.” She said back, equally as snappy. “I’d just never heard that figure of speech. I’m not a Pony, just as close as can be.”
Quill nodded faintly, taking another sip of his tea. “Well, we’ll work on it more in future, won’t we?”
Paige nodded to him, watching as he finished his tea.
“Well, though it’s been nice seeing you again, I really should get back to my books; they won’t write themselves.”
“Of course, Quill, I’ll see you to the door.”
The day progressed rather easily and quietly; Paige went back to town and bought some firewood for winter, some more sugar as she’d run out earlier making Quill’s tea. She made a note to buy more cookies later in the week and replace the ones she had almost run out of, and she bought a large bottle of tropical punch for her refrigerator; if any of her handlers came to her house to see how she handles alcohol, she wanted them to have something to drink. She doubted that they would come, but CL0PTech had made these little… unofficial visits before to see how well she was adapting. She’d always warned the handlers that, should they make official report about it, she’d buck them from one side of Trottingham to the other in as many kicks as she could manage.
She always threatened a par of fifty.
She met with Roseheart in town buying some seeds for her garden, the young filly having a wonderful eye for horticulture. She was a florist in training despite being the daughter of Lucky Tip, the mare who ran the Heavy Hoof with an iron hoof. Phony got along beautifully with the filly, who only looked up to her admirably as any filly did an adult. Her Cutie Mark had appeared recently, prompting her interest in horticulture; a rose with a bloom the shape of a heart. After cheerfully telling the young filly she’d meet her later that night, Paige headed home to clean up.
She took extra time today, ensuring her coat was well groomed, shiny and healthy looking, and brushing her mane until there were assuredly no knots and putting it back up into its slight bun with a bow. Her silvery mane with its streak of blue reflected the light as she looked at it in the mirror before brushing her tail smooth and tying a hair-tie around the base. It didn’t really do anything for her hair, her tail probably holding the same shape without the hair-tie, but she liked the aesthetic value of it.
She looked herself over one last time before leaving the house for the Heavy Hoof.
Upon arrival, she waited for her friends to show up, with Holly Seams walking up to her first. The sun was almost setting by this point, painting the sky in a beautiful pattern of orange clouds.
“Good evening, Holly;” Paige began cheerfully, “that’s a lovely hairclip…”
“Thanks, Paige, I made it myself!” Was her all too cheerful reply, not unbecoming of her usual personality which could rub ponies the wrong way quite often. “The bow is cute, techie, looks good!”
Paige glared at her. “Holly..!” She snapped.
“Sorry, right, not supposed to speak of it.” She said as apologetically as she ever could.
The next to arrive was Snowy Doublescoop, who seemed to have shined his armour for the occasion.
Snowy Doublescoop, or just Doublescoop to his friends, had entered a dare with his friends, mainly Holly Seams and Saddleblaze that he could find and or make the coldest ice-cream known to ponydom, and eat it; when he failed on both accounts, he was made to wear the armour he has worn since. Silver and black with purple on the straps, saddle and blankets he wears underneath the saddle to avoid chafing and adorned with little skulls, his friends have difficulty imagining him without it. He earned his cutie mark when, weeks after the dare was over, he did manage to make an ice-cream that would have more than sufficed – his now patented Chocolate Deathscoop. This ice-cream, made through still unknown means, gives brain freeze the moment it touches the tongue, and only gets worse as the consumer continues to ingest the frosty torture.
He first tested it on his friends.
He nodded to them as he approached.
“Looking good, girls.” He said idly. That was about all they would get out of him unless the conversation turned more important, and those three words alone were compliment enough.
The next to arrive was Whiterobe, who arrived in her usual white cloak, today with the hood down. Her golden eyes glittered in the light, and her purple-black hair, tied into a strict bun as always, reflected what little sunlight there was left. Whiterobe was a rather highly successful Unicorn healer, using her special skill healing spells to get quick and effective results from most any patient.
Doublescoop complimented her as greetings, going silent once more.
“How’ve you been, Whiterobe?” Paige asked. “Busy day?”
“Thankfully not, Paige.” She replied, her voice smooth and calm. “Though I did have to treat one particular filly for lacerations multiple times…”
“The grinding wheel got away from me, get off my back!” Holly heaved overdramatically. “Geez!”
“Twice in an hour, Holly?”
Paige laughed. “Someone’s a clumsy little filly. ~”
“Am nooooot!”
“Children, stop arguing or I’ll put you in time-out.” Clank said as he walked up, his wife Whiterobe giggling by his side. He'd arrived with Saddleblaze in tow, the mare chatting away as she ever would.
The last to arrive was Quill, who said a quiet hello to everyone before leading them all inside and to a table. Their first drinks soon arrived, with Paige savouring hers slowly to enjoy the drink more like a connoisseur than someone down at the local pub. Doublescoop was entered into the drinking contest yet again, supposedly for the fifth year in a row, and was moved to another, longer table at which a dozen or more other ponies sat.
Paige watched disinterestedly as the drinking contest began, observing more as someone trying to learn the point of the game rather than someone who knew anything about it. She made several observations an hour later when the game wrapped up. First and foremost was that, while the game starts friendly, it didn’t end up that way. Once enough drink had entered Doublescoop and Roof Raisers’ systems, they started bickering like children.
Another point was that, after enough bickering had happened to turn the air blue, fighting would commence.
The pair had been brawling across the room, getting the cheers of the majority of the ponies present, but when a badly aimed buck from Roof Raiser knocked over a table or two, cider was spilled across the wooden floor and into the fireplace. Like a dry tinderbox, the alcohol covered wood burst into flames, prompting an evacuation of the building. Everyone stood outside the building turned fireball as fire-fighting ponies showed up to try and control the inferno, with Saddleblaze pointing out hotspots that would need attention. Quill looked about for a moment, counting the ponies that had evacuated.
“Hey… where’s Roseheart?” He asked.
“She didn’t come out with us?” Whiterobe asked.
“She’s still in there!”
Paige looked about at the worried faces before running over to the building, pulling a tablecloth from an upturned table outside and throwing it over herself, and dashed inside the front door, which caved in behind her. Quill moved to chase her, but Doublescoop held him back.
“Paige!”
“Roseheart!” She yelled into the roar, hearing her crying amongst the flames. “It’s Paige! Where are you?!”
Only crying returned to her ears, and she hurriedly checked the second floor, finding the bedrooms empty or in flames. She returned to the first floor, finding it in a worsening state of fiery decay, and decided to risk the basement.
She moved down the wooden stairs to the basement where several large barrels of cider were already steaming, the first floor having caved in in a few spots. Roseheart’s crying was louder down here, and she was found hiding behind one of the barrels.
“Roseheart!” Paige snapped.
“Paige!?”
“C’mon, under the tablecloth, we’re getting outta here!”
The terrified filly complied, and Paige walked her back upstairs, only to find all of the exits blocked. That was when the first thud of boiling cider made itself known. Paige may not have known much about cider, but she knew at least one thing about boiling cider.
It doesn’t boil long.
Worriedly she grabbed Roseheart by the back of her neck, dashing to where the door once was, the far side of the building from the now critical barrels, and plonked Roseheart closest the door, laying down and hoping she was shielding the filly well enough.
“Paige, what’re we doing?!”
Paige gave her a worried look.
“Hoping.”
The fireball sent shrapnel to the far side of Trottingham, and was heard all the way in Ponyville.
Roseheart was launched through the door, shielded by the tablecloth, and into the crowd around the building, while Paige was launched high in the air and landed with a heavy thud down the street, her hair bow falling to ashes around her head and rubble landing around her. Saddleblaze, having predicted the explosion, had told the weather team to start rains the moment it went off, and flying shrapnel was thankfully extinguished before the fire could spread to other buildings.
Ponies rushed to Paige.
Her systems rebooted as quickly as they could, and a damage report made itself known to her as she opened her eyes. Massive structural damage, a damaged optical unit, heat damage, voice recognition on reboot and Pony or Predator software offline pending full system reboot. She knew that most of these problems were no hassle, but the last one told her whether or not she was dealing with another pony or if she was in the presence of a predator for defensive reasons; with that offline she might be a threat to others, and she struggled to her feet. She could hear several ponies rushing to her, and she turned her damage away from them.
“Get away!” She shouted. “Stay back! I will be fine!” It was a lie, but it was the best she could come up with.
“Mummy,” a filly started with frightened curiosity, “why’re her insides hanging out?”
Paige stopped and looked down before hurriedly running off, away from the prying eyes and back to the safety of home.
[Report, day ---]
[Request for full maintenance team, Code ‘A’ Emergency call.]
[SEVERE DAMAGE TO UNIT.]
[Help me. I have been involved in an explosion at the Heavy Hoof tavern in Trottingham.
While saving a fillies life, I, myself, have suffered severe damage to the right side of my chassis, including part of my face; right optical unit has been damage and must be replaced. Requesting unit repair, not replacement; please send immediate assistance.
A letter has been sent to Princess Celestia in regards to these events.
Friends are worried, will accept their assistance once Pony or Predator software is initialised. Running on base-programming for report, will initialise full personality once report is filed.
Please…
Help me.]
Paige activated her full personality after the Pony or Predator software had properly started, and she fell into near hysterics, kneeling and breathing heavily as the shock and panic ran through her artificial mind. She had just managed to calm herself when there was a knock at the door.
“Paige? Are you here?” Quill’s worried voice called into the darkness of her home, the lights all off.
“Yes.” Was all she replied to him. “Please, come in.”
“Are you alright hun?” Whiterobe called as they walked into the living room.
“Yes.”
They stayed worriedly quiet for a moment.
“Paige-“
“Quill, you asked earlier how I look underneath the guise of normalcy.” Paige interrupted him, turning to and facing them. “If you… if you still want to know… turn on the light.”
Quill looked at his friends around him worriedly, each one nodding to him, and he used his magic to flick on the lights.
Paige remembered the whole group gasping.
Part of her face, from above her right cheek to above her eye and the back of her head, had simply been removed by the explosion, leaving only the metal of her true face beneath intact, though scratched and dented. Her right ear had been removed except for the metal rods that allowed her to move them and a little bit of what was once her outer guise, dangling from the tip of her ear. Her eye, the true eye underneath her disguise, had been hit by something in the explosion, and had an impact crack in it. The wound was surrounded in cuts and burns.
Her right side, from the top of her front leg to just in front of her hind leg, was missing, the metal ribcage scratched, dented and slightly blackened; the outer disguise that was left around the gaping wound was cut and charred, some shreds hanging loosely. Her metal spine was visible, though it too was slightly damaged, and the fake intestines that had sat within her tummy now hung slightly loosely from the cavity.
Silver muscles within the wound and attached to her legs reflected the light as she moved, turning to give them a better view.
“I told you I was not for the faint of heart.” She said defiantly.
There was a rush of wind outside and the sound of a flying chariot landing in the front yard followed by a knock at the front door.
“Expecting company?”
Paige shook her head. “I don’t expect CL0PTech to arrive until late tomorrow to repair this damage…” She mumbled. “The only other Pony I sent a report to was-” She stopped herself short with a gasp.
“…Was…?” Clank pushed.
“P-Princess Celestia!” Paige stammered, stepping back in shock as the famed princess stepped into the room.
As she walked past the group, they expressed their shock at her presence in different ways. Quill bowed, as is normal for ponies when the royal sisters made their appearances. Holly bowed, gulped, and excused herself as she hurried off into the house for something, while Clank seemed to swallow half his face; his prior meeting with the Princess slapping his mind in the face and he struggled to hold his composure, though he did salute. If not for the serious situation, Quill might have laughed at his reaction.
Paige did chuckle, however, before bowing respectfully.
“Phony Paige,” Celestia began in her usual tone, “it has been some time since I wrote you into being a full citizen. In all that time, you have not written me once, though I can understand your reasoning.”
“I worried I would be bothering you, drawing your attention from more important matters.” Paige replied.
“Indeed…” Celestia mumbled. “However, the first letter you send me is about the explosion I have come down from Canterlot to inspect myself; my guard, though having come here themselves, are not skilled in ensuring the calm of an entire city.”
“I apologise for the inconvenience, princess.”
Celestia chuckled regally. “Think nothing of it, Twilight Sparkle has not sent a report in a month, so my mailbox is rather vacant.”
Miles away in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle sneezed.
“Now, I am unsure about your letter entirely.” Celestia admitted, “Within it you tell of your fear of being replaced. I’m not quite sure I understand.”
Paige sighed and stood back up, allowing Celestia to see the full extent of her damage. “With the damage to my body this severe, CL0PTech might… simply take me away and replace me with another unit.” Paige said worriedly. “I’m only artificial; I’m therefore capable of being made redundant and replaced with another Artificial Intelligence.”
Celestia shook her head. “You’ve been made a full civilian, it would be considered murder to replace you and deactivate you.”
“We have another problem, princess.” Quill piped up from behind her, moving to next to Paige. “The extent of her damage has been seen by the ponies in town, her cover is blown. That gives CL0PTech reason to decommission her.”
“She was decommissioned weeks ago, Silent Quill.” Celestia said. “That is how I arranged her citizenship. Along with this citizenship and decommissioning, I also had the Artificial Intelligence project put into indefinite suspension; the resources have been moved mostly into another project, though they still have funding enough to create replacement parts for any that Phony Paige may damage. They will be bringing enough parts to replace your entire side should it be needed.”
Holly returned from somewhere within the house carrying a bed sheet, and she wrapped it around Paige’s middle to cover the gaping hole before wrapping a tea-towel around Paige’s damaged face, covering the eye and missing ear.
“Thank you.” Paige said sadly. “I was, actually, worried about how much of the injury that the Princess should see…”
“This presents us an opportunity, actually.” Celestia said calmly as the clatter of another carriage and hooves rang in from outside, “it is about time you stopped hiding.”
“Princess?”
“Tomorrow, the whole town will be brought to central hall.” Celestia said. “I shall see you there.”
She stood and turned, walking to the door as several CL0PTech technicians moved in hurriedly. She gave them a stern glare.
“Your work will commence tomorrow after the town meeting.” She snapped. “After which, you will repair any damage done to Phony Paige. Know this; should any damage be done to her personality, who she is, the punishment will be severe.”
The ponies all nodded in agreement as she walked past them and back out front, where the clattering sound of her chariot moving away echoed from.
Paige looked about at her friends before falling to her stomach and crying.
The next day, Paige was stood just inside the Town Hall; the sounds of an entire town came through the doors to her hearing, worrying her. Though most were demanding to be told about the state of the town after the night’s explosion, some were just angrily yelling over the din. She saw Celestia walk past the doors, and the town fell into a hush.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts of Trottingham, last night there was a fire at the Heavy Hoof inn.” The Mayor’s voice called; clearly Celestia was just observing and controlling the crowd should she have to. “During the fire, the barrels of Cider in the basement exploded, creating a fireball that could be seen from Cloudsdale.” There were mumbles and worried chatter from the massed ponies. “During the blaze, young Roseheart was trapped in the basement, and one of our own, Phony Paige, entered alone to rescue her. When the cider exploded, the pair were flung from the building, each suffering from the blast; though our prized Whiterobe managed to heal Roseheart to full health,” at this, Paige cheered up a little; at least she’d managed to save Roseheart, “The tavern has been reduced to rubble. Thankfully Roof Raiser has already begun reconstruction, and the Heavy Hoof should be back in business within the week!” At this there was a round of cheers, stopped by a loud question.
“What happened to Paige?”
The cheers stopped almost dead, and the crowd suddenly all asked the same question of the mayor.
“Please, please, calm down.” He called. “Phony Paige was also in the explosion, and was seen leaving the scene last night. We are holding this town meeting in part to explain the situation, and in part to give an announcement, which I think Phony Paige herself should give.”
The doors opened, and she stepped out of the building onto the stage. Silent Quill had written her a speech for this, and she had devoted it to memory.
She stepped up to the podium and pushed it to one side of the stage before returning to the centre.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts, my name is Phony Paige,” she began, before swallowing nervously, though it was only theatrics, “and… I’m not real.”
There were murmured words amongst the crowd, and she hushed them with a hoof.
“Though my name is, indeed, Phony Paige, that is what I am. A phony. I am an artificial intelligence built by CL0PTech; my original purpose was to test the effectiveness of the guise of normalcy, however I have managed to keep my existence here beyond that purpose, and as such consider myself one of you.” She smiled faintly before looking down and catching Roseheart’s worried face. “Last night, I returned to the burning ruins of the Heavy Hoof to rescue Roseheart from a painful end, only to be trapped within the building; with no other option, I shielded her from the impending explosion with my own body, and thankfully she has received no real harm.
“I, however, have been damaged severely.”
Celestia’s magic tugged at the fabric covering Paige’s body, and it yielded to the magic reluctantly, revealing Paige’s horribly burned damaged robotic body to the whole town. Many ponies gasped, several fainted.
Paige sadly looked down to Roseheart, only to find her staring in fear, and she stepped back sadly.
“My body, comprised of metals, has been severely damaged in the explosion, and as such hiding my true identity is impossible. I, several CL0PTech officials, and Princess Celestia herself have come to the conclusion that it’s time I stopped hiding. I… I am sorry for lying to you all.”
“Why?” Roseheart piped up when nopony else would. “Why did you hide from us like this?”
Paige sighed sadly. “To begin with, I was an experiment.” She said. “I… saw it as an assignment; but after some time, I found myself more and more in-tune with Trottingham, less a machine achieving an assignment and more one of you, the line between real and synthetic blurred, and when I was first found out by Silent Quill and my other friends, I was almost taken away for dismantling. To me, that’s death, and it was really that simple a matter; I would have simply vanished from the city and no-one would have been the wiser, thinking I’d moved out. But, for me, I would have gone back to CL0PTech H.Q. and been deactivated and taken apart.
“My friends argued in favour of keeping me alive, and CL0PTech allowed me to live on amongst the ponies I came to call my friends. Princess Celestia made me a full citizen, as close to being a real pony as I could manage, and… here I am. After last night, and today, I doubt any of you will see me in the same light again, and I will be honest, I won’t be surprised if you shun me, or tag me something horrible; but I’ll always value you all as friends…” She trailed off sadly at this. “Regardless of what you think of me.”
She turned to the steps off of the stage and dawdled back home, hanging her head sadly.
She returned to her home and entered the bedroom, where the CL0PTech technicians were waiting to repair the damage she had endured, only to find Silent Quill, Clank Clop and Roseheart in the room.
“W-what’re you doing here..?”
“Quill and I didn’t want to leave you here without a friendly heart nearby,” Clank said firmly, “and I still have some pull with the Royal Guard should they try anything funny!” He added angrily to the techs, who cowered slightly.
“Rose came on Princess Celestia’s suggestion.” Quill said. “Saying that she should see what you need to endure after rescuing her before she truly makes up her mind on whether to shun you.”
The young filly nodded faintly, and Paige sighed.
“Thank you.” She said quietly to the trio before stepping onto the sheet that the technicians had laid out on the floor.
The sounds of metal clinking and clicking were essentially the only sounds that filled the room for a minute or two, the trio watching in silence as the technicians replaced a large portion of Paige’s body. Her spine had been completely removed and replaced, as had the right half of her ribcage; several slightly damaged parts from her right foreleg were replaced, as were the damaged parts of her face and her eye too was removed and a new one put into her socket. All the while Paige was awake, and she would frequently turn her face away from Rose sadly, as if too upset to look at her.
There was a furious pounding of hooves, and Roseheart’s mother appeared at the door.
“Rose! There you are! Come on, we’re going, I don’t want you around this… thing!”
“This ‘thing’ as you call her is one of my best friends and the pony who saved your daughter’s life!” Quill snapped angrily.
“Mum, Princess Celestia told me to be here.” Roseheart said.
“What in Equestria for?!”
“To watch.” She replied. “To see what saving my life cost.”
“WHAT!?”
“Lucky, listen;” Clank began firmly, yet calmly, “any other pony would not have survived the explosion. The only reason you still have Roseheart is because Paige valued your fillies’ life more than her own.”
“The damage she suffered as a result almost killed her.” Quill said. Had she been in the heat any longer, she’d have died herself.”
“’Died’?! She’s a-”
“She’s as alive as you or I, inside.” Quill snapped, cutting her off. “Did you not hear what she said earlier?”
“What I said earlier,” Paige began, talking to the room in general, “is but a basic explanation of what happened. I had been discovered for what I am; breaking mission protocol, but that didn’t matter to me. All I was worried about was whether or not I had inadvertently broken my friendship with Quill, Clank, Saddleblaze, Holly and Doublescoop. I… I didn’t care that I had been discovered as a machine, that I had broken the number one rule I had to adhere to, I value their friendship more than that; if I were capable, I would die for them.” She looked over at Lucky Dip, still with half of her face missing, “I value you all.” She said. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here at all.”
She returned her attention to the wall as the technicians started to remove her destroyed outer skin, shifting slightly to give them better access.
When they were done, only a shiny robotic pony stood on the sheet.
“This is my true appearance.” She said. “And I wish I didn’t have to show any of you.”
The technicians carefully pulled a replacement skin over her frame, starting at her rear and moving up to her head, where it closed almost seamlessly over her throat like a costume on any other pony. They used another tool to seal the seam, and another to vacuum seal it to her frame. Adhesive chemicals inside the skin made it stick to her body, but she had to stand still for a moment or two before she could move.
“And that,” she quipped, “is that.”
She looked over to Roseheart, who stared in mild wonder at her.
“Wh-what happens if you get a cut..?” She asked curiously.
“I have a room in my home where I can repair minor damage like that.” She replied.
Roseheart nodded and moved a hoof forward, poking Paige lightly.
“Feels… so real…”
“That’s the point, Roseheart.” She replied. “Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I must go about fortifying my home.”
“Fortifying..?” Roseheart probed worriedly.
“If your mother is any indication,” Paige mumbled, nodding over at the still slightly furious mare, “I am due an angry mob any second.”
Lucky Dip huffed and turned to leave. “Come along, Rose;” she snapped, “it’s already destroyed our home, I would rather it not get a chance at our family.”
“Excuse me?” Paige voiced, “I destroyed your home?! How dare you! Would I still be to blame had I not rescued Roseheart? That fire was an accident waiting to happen!”
Lucky Dip turned and strode angrily to Paige, turning and bucking with all her rage, but only succeeding in pushing herself across the room.
She picked herself up and huffed. “I hope you enjoyed your job at Buckies, good luck keeping it!” She declared before walking out angrily.
Paige looked downtrodden, like she’d actually come out the worse from that encounter, but Quill stepped forth and chuckled.
“Good luck to her getting you fired, I spoke with Bucky before your speech and he said that the only situation in which he’d even consider firing you is if you were a Diamond Dog!”
Eventually, Paige was called back to city hall, and she was brought out to the stage as before, to stand before the town. Her damage gone and her pelt shiny and clean, she almost cowered from their gaze as she stood on stage.
“Ladies and Gentlecolts;” the mayor began, “we are here to honour Phony Paige for rescuing Roseheart from the fiery destruction of her home. Though we may never see her in the same way again, we’ll still see her for who she is; who she always has been.
“Phony Paige.”
Phony remembered… cheers.
Author's Note
*****
I have had to re-edit this chapter to line it up correctly with Crimsondrop's story; I erred and mixed up the relationships between Saddleblaze, Clank Clop and Whiterobe.
Whiterobe is meant to be married to Clank Clop, since they were meant to be somewhat based on the 'holy duo' of Tank and Healer...
So sorry for this, won't happen again.
*****
