It's "terminal" they say. The chances are slim they say. Not much left we can do for her.
A few months left to live.
Winter warms and turns to spring.
A few months left to live…
Spring drags on and finally Summer knocks its sweaty hoof at my door.
I visit her, flowers in my mouth. I offer them to her, like I would to appease a Goddess.
I teeter on the edge of crying and she sees me all heartbroken.
And she smiles softly.
She tells me "Don't be afraid."
But how can I not be afraid?
Almost as scary as the probability that I will lose her, the beeping.
Near the beginning of her stay here at the hospital, the machines she had been connected to remained silent. But now, with her in worse condition, she lay connected to a set of noisy machines. One of them, a monitor, beeping slow and hard, lets me know every time her heart beats. This one scares me more than anything. I fear that any moment it will begin to hum the song of death.
I sit in the corner of her little hospital room watching her like a hawk. The sounds of the hospital, the beeping mainly, keeping my eyes open. She sleeps.
From outside the room I can easily over hear the sound of somepony else shouting angrily. It is a mare, a young one, I can tell by the pitch of her voice.
"Two months!" the mare yells, "But I have to get to Cloudsdale tomorrow to compete!"
"We understand Ms. Dash" says another voice, probably a doctor, "But your wing is broken, there is no way you will be able to fly tomorrow. You are going to have to pull out of the race…"
Some ponies have all the luck.
Beep Beep Beep.
I hear my love turning in her bed. She is more or less awake.
She beckons me over, voice all groggy. I come over. I hold her hoof, her soft, pillowy hoof. It smells of bleach or medicine, or mush, or something.
Not a good smell, not a bad smell.
She whispers a statement of her love to me. I tear up again. My face moistens with emotion.
Beep Beep Beep.
The black monitor draws a wince out of me every time it beeps. I look to it and see the green line. It pulses regularly, reminding me that she is still with the living.
She beckons me yet closer and whispers in my ear. "Don't be afraid…"
"Don't be afraid, of the green light."
But I am afraid.
It gets late and I leave after planting a kiss on her forehead, next to her rose colored horn.
Good bye, my love.
***
A few months left to live.
Summer bleeds into autumn, without so much as a whisper in the wind or change in temperature.
She passes. She dies. She is made no more. She departs from the living realm. I missed it. I wasn't there.
She is… Gone. Goodbye my love. Farewell and good night.
And I grieve. I weep and I grieve sweet tears of mourning for her.
How long do I a sulk? Two weeks? A month? I don't know. Oh by Celestia, it should have been me. Why wasn't it me?
I have her buried in the cemetery on the outside of Ponyville. A slate gray headstone pushes through the soil, marking her grave.
I visit her grave, her cold, lonesome grave. Every day… every, morning. Not every evening, there is a rule or something against being in the cemetery at night.
I can't forget about you, I can't move on. I am so alone.
I am still afraid. I am afraid of the green light.
Beep Beep Beep…
I can hear it in my head. It drives me crazy. The green line on the black monitor. It chirps for me. It tells me that she isn't dead. It tells me that she is alive, that I must be patient.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
She isn't dead. She can't be dead. What happened to the life we lived together? Did that not mean anything? Was that too much? Was it not enough? Why is she not coming home? Where is she?
But she is in the ground. Cold as stone.
***
What is today? Nightmare night? I think so. It would explain all of the fillies and colts looking for something to rot their teeth.
They disgust me.
But I can't be bothered with them. I need to go talk to my wife. My love. My world. I need to go see her again.
I go to the market that Nightmare's day. I pick up some more flowers: Red, Blue, White, Yellow.
She likes yellow. Yellow is her favorite color.
I purchase some chocolates, because, you know, everypony likes chocolates.
I feel like I'm approaching her for the first time again. That awkward evening when I met her mother and her step-father.
She wasn't as cute then, but I didn't care. She and I had plenty in common to make up for that. Besides I've always been the ugly one.
She only got cuter with age. I think she did at least.
Later that night I find myself trotting into the Ponyville cemetery. I barely even consider that I'm breaking the law or the rules or whatever, you know "no ponies here at night." I think they do that so that the colts don't come here and mess around with the graves. Or maybe for grave-robbing or something, the hay if I'd know.
My flowers look a little wilted. It's alright, she will forgive me, I hope.
"Hello, love, have you been well?" I say to her gravestone.
Of course I have, better than I have ever felt.
"Here, love, I brought you flowers. They've wilted a bit, I'm sorry."
Oh don't be sorry, they're beautiful. Oh, you brought me yellow ones too. They are so pretty. Thank you so much.
I sit near her patch of dirt, staring into her gravestone.
She isn't dead, I know she isn't dead.
"Love…" I say a little nervously, "I… I'm still scared."
Don't be afraid.
Do not be afraid of the green light.
Beep Beep Beep.
I miss her. I love her. I am still afraid.
"When are you coming home?" I ask her, eyes already shrink-wrapped in tears.
When ever you want me to. I'm always here.
"But," I say sadly to her grave, "I've been waiting for you for weeks and weeks. Why won't you, just get up and leave this place."
All you have to do is ask...
I smile and lay the flowers down on the soft patch of grass and soil where she is.
"Please, please, come home. Will you? I miss you so much."
All you had to do was ask.
Her face fills my head.
All I had to do was ask. A thick, happy smile forms on my mouth. Excitement builds and I find my stomach fluttering around in my belly. I am forced to wipe a tear away impairing my vision.
"Come on, let's go home." I say to her grave.
Yes let's go.
I stand there. I wait. I listen and watch. Nothing happens.
"Come on, love, let's go home." I repeat. A breeze rolls through and gives me the chills. "Come on, its getting cold."
But for some reason there is no response. She doesn't say anything back. Why has she gone so quiet? Where did she go?
I wait... and I wait.
Beep Beep Beep.
I can hear the heart monitor echoing in my skull. She is alive, I know it. She is alive. She is alive. She is alive.
Beep Beep Beep.
Still nothing though. Why isn't she coming? What is she doing?
The chill of the area makes me uncomfortable, and I shuffle around and shiver, trying to warm up and situate myself.
Was it always this cold? I don't think it was...
Still nothing...
Come on, love where are you?
I put a hoof on the soft earth at the head of her stone. I swirl it around gently. It is cold and it sticks to my hoof. I shake some of it off. A tear squeezes its way through my troubled eyes and lands in the middle of the swirl I left in the dirt.
Where are you my love?
She is here. In the soft wormy earth.
"You are here!" I let out in spades. "I know you are here!"
She is here. In the soft pillowy dirt.
Yes that's it, I will dig her up. Yes, that is the solution. She could hear me only if I dug down. Then, all that soil between us would be out of the way.
I lose no more time as I begin to shovel my hooves into the ground, spraying dirt into the night air behind me. She is here, I know she is here. She is alive, beep beep beep.
Time passes and I have already dug up maybe half a leg's length down and I am already worn out.
"Answer me, love, can't you hear me?"
I can hear you. Come, dig more. Take me home...
Yes, yes, I must dig you out and get you home.
I dig and I dig. I breathe the dirt and dig until my face turns red and I can barely breathe, and then I dig some more.
Pony hooves never really were meant for digging up dirt like this. Sure they make a nice shovel shape, but the joints and the muscles resist the movement as if it were unnatural. It isn't like the paws of a dog. Its not like I'm trying to bury a bone either. I'm digging as hard as I can.
My hoof hits something hard.
Beep.
There she is. There you are. There's my love.
I can't help but release a chuckle.
Hah hah, finally, it is over, I can take her with me. We can live the rest of our lives together.
"I've missed you." I whisper.
I missed you too.
The hard surface I hit is her casket or coffin or whatever it is they call the box.
I dig yet more.
This is taking too long, way too long.
With it still mostly covered in dirt, I begin to pound on the hull of the chest. Harder and harder.
Louder and louder, thud, thud, crack and snap. Wood breaks around my hooves the fancy door gives way under the weight of my labor. It splinters and pings away and I am left with a hole that gets bigger and bigger.
So close, love, so close.
Beep.
I raise my hoof, I send it down. I raise my hoof, I send it down. The hard part of my hoof smashes more and more away. I feel a manic smile sweep across my face.
Ha ha. All this trouble is about to be behind me. She is alive. I can feel her now.
Beep.
I raise my hoof again, I send it down like a sledgehammer. I am pretty sure my hoof is bleeding by now. It hurts so much, but I pay no mind to the pain. Not while my love is stuck in this blasted thing.
And then I see...
Myself.
An open hole large enough for me to clearly see the inside of. I peer through and I see me.
I see me.
I blink.
What? This isn't her. This isn't her. Where is my love? Where are you!?
And then finally, the beeping stops. I am not looking at my loved one, but rather, I am looking at myself lying in the coffin or casket or what ever they call it.
And how exactly I am seeing this is unclear. It baffles me. How could I possibly be there and here at the same time? And what of my love? If that is me in the casket, then where is she? Where is my love?
A burst of green light catches my attention just as it would catch your attention or anypony else's. It explodes from the hole in the box, enveloping me in light and fear.
The green light, the creepy green light, the culmination of all of my fears over the past... how ever long it had been, eats me alive. And I am left curled into a ball in terror.
I am afraid. I am afraid of the green light.
It gets so bright, I can't see. It turns white, and with that I fall unconscious.
***
Beep.
Chug.
Beep.
Chug.
Beep.
I awake in a hospital. I am connected to the very machines that have plagued my head for months. All I hear is the beeping of the monitor still and the chugging of the respirator.
The room is bright and I can easily see about it. I have to try sitting up to do that, but when I do try, there is somepony by my side waiting for me. It isn't a nurse or a doctor. It isn't anypony who might work here.
It... It is her, my love. She sits next to me, her hoof on my chest to keep me from sitting up. She smiles at me gently, like this had been right all along.
She then puts her hooves on one of mine and whispers, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here with you. I will always be with you."
And then she leans close to my ear and says, "I love you."
I love you too...
Author's Note
I really enjoy writing for or about songs I enjoy. Paying tribute to the things that make life worth while is one of my favorite things to do and I hope you enjoy the little story along the way.
For those who missed the point of the story: This is a story about the selfish desire to be alive, because it was easier to believe his wife was dying than it was that he was dying.
