“AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Spike was woken up from his slumber by a bloodcurdling scream coming from downstairs. He immediately leaped out of bed, shook himself awake and wiped the sleep from his eyes. “Twilight? Twilight!” he called as he raced down the stairs as fast as his tiny legs could carry him. “Is everything okay? What’s the matter?”
As soon as he got downstairs, he saw Twilight in the middle of the study, bent over her coffee maker and futilely shaking a coffee can over it, only to see a few speckles of ground beans come out. “This… this can’t be happening! It’s just… not… POSSIBLE!”
Spike’s feelings of dread quickly dissipated, and were subsequently replaced by feelings of severe annoyance. “You got me up at the crack of dawn for this?” he snarled.
Twilight grabbed him by the collar, pulled him up next to her and shoved her calendar into his face. “Spike, look at this; I purchased this can of coffee no later and no earlier than January Third. When I bought it, there were exactly fourteen cups’ worth of coffee grounds, which was precisely enough for me to have one cup a day until the Seventeenth!”
“So what’s the problem?” Spike asked.
“It’s the SIXTEENTH!” Twilight cried in exasperation. “How could I have miscalculated this so badly?”
I suppose this would be a bad time to mention that I’ve been picking at it for the past week, Spike thought.
“To be honest, Twilight,” he said, “I don’t really see what the big deal is. So you go one morning without coffee, so what?”
Twilight glared at him with such intensity that Spike could almost feel himself getting singed. “So what?! So WHAT?! Spike, do you know what happens when I don’t have my coffee in the morning?!”
Spike shrugged. “Well, I imagine that you-”
“I get groggy. And when I get groggy, I can’t get my reading done. And when I don’t get my reading done, I fall behind on my studies. And when I fall behind on my studies, Celestia gets upset. And do you know what that means?!”
“Well, I-”
“It means FAILURE, Spike! FAILURE!!” screamed Twilight. She grabbed Spike by the shoulders and started violently shaking him. “FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE-“
“All right, all right!” shouted Spike, shoving Twilight away from him. “Look, if it means that much to you, I’ll go run out and buy you some. Would you like that?”
“YES! PLEASE!” Twilight cried, tossing the baby dragon five bits. “GO! NOW! HURRY!”
Spike sprinted out the door. “And don’t take too long!” Twilight called after him. “I promised myself that I’d start reading and taking notes on Starswirl the Bearded’s autobiography by 9:00!”
Eh, it’s only 8:00, Spike thought. How long can one coffee run take?
As soon as he got outside, he started running directly towards Sugarcube Corner. They did make Twilight’s coffee just the way she liked it, after all. He casually strolled inside.
“Good morning, Spike!” sang Pinkie Pie, bounding down the stairs as he walked through the front door. “What can we do for you?”
“A cup of your finest java, please!” proclaimed Spike.
Pinkie lost her smile. “Sorry, Spike,” she said solemnly, eyes drifting towards the ground. “No coffee today.”
Spike's eyes shot open in surprise. “No coffee? Why not?!”
“Carrot Cake’s grandfather, Coffee Cake, died fifteen years ago today,” explained Cup Cake. “We’re abstaining from serving coffee today to honor his memory.”
“He *sniff* died in a bean grinding accident,” sobbed Carrot Cake, a tear rolling down his cheek.
Spike was utterly flabbergasted. Seriously? TODAY?! How is that even possible?!...never mind. I’ll just have to look elsewhere!
“OK, guys, never mind, sorry for your loss, BYE!” Spike said breathlessly as he zipped back out the door.
Think, Spike, THINK! The green market doesn’t open until 9:00, and that’s way too long to keep Twilight waiting. Who else could have coffee?...I know! I’ll borrow some from Rarity!
And with that, Spike hurried over to Rarity’s Boutique.
“Coffee?!” cried Rarity. “UGH! To think that I would even consider keeping that tasteless black sludge in my house. Only earl grey tea for this lady!”
Spike rolled his eyes, thanked Rarity for her trouble and quickly dashed away from Rarity’s doorstep. Who else… who else… oh! How about Applejack?
“Ah’m awfully sorry, Spike,” said Applejack. “Listen, I like coffee just as much as you ‘n Twilight, but Granny doesn’t let us keep it in the barn.”
“It’s the drink of the devil, I tells ya!” called Granny Smith from another room.
“Yeah, whatever, thanks anyway,” Spike sighed, already starting to tire himself out. But just as he was leaving Sweet Apple Acres, two tall, slender, identical figures hiding behind an apple tree called him over. “Psst! Little guy! Over here!”
Spike cautiously walked over to the tree, only to be accosted by two redheaded yellow unicorns with matching bowties and straw hats.
The Flim Flam Brothers?! What are THEY doing back here?!
“You know, we couldn’t help but overhear that you were in search of coffee,” said Flam. “Well, lucky for you, we just happen to have what you need!” He grabbed a large steel can labeled Flim Flam Coffee out of his satchel and held it aloft.
“Get outta here!” Spike exclaimed. “How much?”
“Just one easy payment of 60 bits,” Flim said nonchalantly.
“60?!” cried Spike. “I don’t have that kind of money!”
“No trouble at all,” said Flam. “To pay it off, you’ll just need to work for us 80 hours a-“
Before Flam could finish his sentence, he looked down to notice that Spike had vanished from the premises. “You know, Flim, I could have sworn that baby dragon was there just a couple seconds ago.”
Spike rushed back into the Ponyville square, only to come across a horrifying discovery. Out in the distance, he spied the Ponyville clock tower… with the minute hand pointing straight downward.
How can it be 8:30 already?!
His pulse started pounding as he desperately ran around the town square in search of somepony, anypony who could get him what he needed. In the midst of his panic, he happened to crash into Scootaloo, who was speeding off to school.
“Oof! Sorry about that, Scoots,” uttered Spike. “Listen, before you go, I have a question to ask you: do you drink coffee?”
“Of course!” said Scootaloo. “In fact, I bring a thermos of it to school every day.” She pulled a chalk white thermos out of her backpack and held it aloft.
“That’s great! May I have it?”
Scootaloo gave him a peculiar look. “Um… no. It’s my thermos. Why would you even ask that?”
Before Spike could say another word to her, she hopped back onto her scooter and sped away.
Okay, that didn’t go as well as I hoped, Spike thought. But there’s gotta be ONE other store in this whole town that serves coffee!
And then, he saw it: it was almost too good to be true. Less than 30 feet away, in the middle of the town, was a store with the following title printed on its awning in big, bold, all-capital letters:
WE SELL COFFEE
“Thank goodness,” whispered Spike as he ran into the store.
But upon entering, he noticed something odd. The store was filled with stacks upon stacks upon stacks of… dishware?
He was sure that there had to be some sort of mistake. He immediately hurried over to the short, pale, well- dressed earth pony working the cash register.
“Can *gasp* I get some coffee, please?” Spike huffed, trying to catch his breath.
“Kid, I think you’ve wandered into the wrong store,” the cashier said plainly. “We don’t serve coffee.”
“What?! But the store is called ‘WE SELL COFFEE’!”
The cashier shook his head. “Go outside and read it again,” he replied tersely.
Spike sighed and walked out the door. Upon further inspection, he noticed that there was a tiny line of text printed under the logo on the awning:
WE SELL COFFEE
mugs, and various other types of dishware, but not actual coffee
“Who names their store that?!” he cried.
He glanced back up at the clock tower. 8:40. His time was wearing thin, and so, he could imagine, was Twilight’s patience.
On the way out, he spied a familiar multicolor-maned pegasus clearing the clouds away. It was a bit of a longshot, but he was desperate and running out of time.
“Rainbow Dash!” he yelled. The cyan speedster stopped what she was doing and slowly lowered herself to the ground. “What’s up, Spike?” she asked.
“Do you drink coffee?”
“Yeah, from time to time.”
“Do you have any coffee?”
“Sure! I think I have some left over back home.”
“…may I have some?”
“Absolutely! Let me go make you a cup.”
Rainbow Dash zoomed off at breakneck speed, as she was wont to do. Within a few minutes, she returned with a mug in her hoof. “No need to thank me,” she said proudly, handing it to Spike.
Then Spike took a peek inside the mug and noticed that it was empty.
“Rainbow Dash, there’s nothing in here.”
“Oh, yeah. I drank it on the way over here. Sorry.”
“You drank it?!”
“I was thirsty!”
“Wha…fu…how could you…why would you… never mind. Just get me another cup, please.”
“Sorry, Spike, that was my last cup,” Rainbow Dash said with a shrug. Before Spike could object, Dash took to the skies again and continued her work.
Spike was at the end of his rope. “SWEET CELESTIA,” he yelled at the top of his lungs, “ALL I NEED IS A CUP OF COFFEE!”
Suddenly, Spike noticed the world around him starting to grow dimmer and dimmer. He looked up to see a massive figure blocking out the morning sun and shrouding him in shadow. He nervously backed away, only to find the almighty ruler of Equestria looming over him.
Too shocked to say anything, Spike simply stood there and trembled in her presence. Celestia knelt down to Spike’s eye level… and handed him a milky white mug full of rich, piping hot coffee.
“All you had to do was ask,” she said sweetly. And with a mighty flap of her giant wings, she propelled herself back towards Canterlot.
Spike sighed with relief. “I’m sure glad that’s over,” he said to himself. “Now all I need to do is head back home! And it’s only…
“…8:57?!”
To his horror, a quick glance back at the clock tower revealed that he had all of three minutes to return home. With no time to waste, he hurried back as fast as he could, while taking great care not to spill a single drop.
But just as Twilight’s tree house was in his sight, he was sideswiped by a fierce- looking brown hawk. The hawk hovered menacingly over him, squawking and baring his talons.
“Xavier! DOWN!” cried a gentle, lilting voice from behind Spike. The hawk immediately withdrew its wings and lowered itself to the ground.
“I’m so, so sorry,” said Fluttershy, letting the hawk perch onto her back. “He’s normally very even- tempered, but he hates the sight of baby purple dragons carrying white coffee mugs.”
"I...wha...how...why would it...forget it. Nothing surprises me anymore. TWILIGHT!"
With just one minute left on the clock, he sprinted towards the library, no longer concerned with keeping all the coffee inside the mug. “Twilight? TWILIGHT!” he called as he rapidly approached the front door.
With the last sliver of energy left in him, he burst through the door and fell directly onto his face seconds before the clock struck 9. “Twilight… I got… your coffee…” he gasped, slowly picking himself up off the floor.
To his surprise, when he looked up, he saw Twilight casually resting on the floor, curled up with a book and… a cup of coffee?
“Oh, Spike, you’re back!” said Twilight. “You know, I can’t believe I forgot that I had a spare can of coffee tucked away in my closet! Can you?”
…
Moments later, the entire town of Ponyville was woken up by what sounded vaguely like a baby dragon screaming obscenities.
(Oh, well. At least he got 5 bits out of the whole ordeal.)
