If You Give A Dragon A Filling

by Creative Pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate
Length: 2646

Colgate faces the hardest part of her job: having Spike as a patient.

Spike has to get three fillings for his cavities. Who is the poor dentist who has to do this dangerous job?

Colgate Minuette, of course.

Will she finish the assignment victoriously or will she burn to a crisp in the process?

Published 2013-01-21 10:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-21 10:20:01 UTC

If You Give A Dragon A Filling

The worst part of Colgate’s job was having Spike as a patient. He had the worst gag reflex and, combined with his constant shaking in fear, it was hard to get into his mouth. She seriously couldn’t do work on him without having to open his mouth wide and keep it like that with both hers and Twilight’s magic.

Every time she had him though, she prayed and hoped for a raise in her paycheck that month.

And this time was the hardest yet. Spike had gotten himself three cavities eating too much sugar, ice cream, and gemstones, and today was the appointment for his fillings.

It was hard enough getting him to keep his mouth open, but now she had to open it even bigger so she could put rings around his teeth and squirt silver inside of them? Her boss must have really hated her, assigning her with the same monster who nearly tore apart Ponyville.

Twilight and the little cavity-ridden brat walked through the double doors of the office and walked over to Colgate. Spike himself was shivering in either cold or fear. But the temperature in the office was just fine, so, to Colgate’s dismay, it was him being scared.

She hated when her patients were scared.

Not because it made her feel bad that they were scared. It was their fault for breathing through their mouth and not their nose, thus sending them to a world of pain. They should have blocked the sounds of other children screaming in pain or the sight of foals wincing as they walked, holding their jaw and crying. Colgate always refrained from watching or hearing that.

No, it was because they moved so darn much. If they would just lay still, it would get done a whole lot quicker. Instead, the fillies and colts would squirm around like she had drilled a hole through their whole head or something when it was their molar.

“We have a 3:10 PM appointment for Spike the Dragon,” Twilight told the nervous Colgate.

The dentist remembered the phrase ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,’ showed her best poker face, and said, “Alright, Ms. Sparkle, follow me.”

Colgate could look deep into Twilight’s face and see that she was truly sorry for putting her up to this task. The dentist thought that she had a good reason to, and tried to make it look like she was happy doing this.

Colgate didn’t even bother doing x-rays; she had enough of them already to be able to tell where they were. One was on the top of his right in the far back, and the other two were next to each other on the left. Doing the right one wouldn’t be hard, but the side-by-side ones would be a challenge.

The trembling baby dragon pulled himself into the chair and lay down. His claws were tapping on his chest nervously, and he had sweat the size of hail forming on his head. Colgate was glad that she didn’t have to do the cleaning.

A white mare with dark green and red hair, name Minty Fresh, came over to their area. As she walked away, Colgate whispered into the nurse’s ear, “I’ll tell the boss to double your pay if you do his cavities too.”

The nurse slightly smiled at her before tending to Spike, but Colgate wasn’t joking.

Twilight and Colgate walked into the waiting room. They both remained standing, as Twilight was too nervous and Colgate was so exhausted that she didn’t feel like sitting.

The librarian sent an apologetic look toward her as Spike’s outbursts of fear echoed through the building, along with the sound of Minty Fresh’s toothbrush. “I’m so sorry that Spike’s acting like this,” she sighed, then starting pacing, but her gaze never left Colgate’s.

Chuckling nervously, Colgate smiled. “It’s alright, Twilight,” she said. “A lot of the young ponies do this, and Spike is no exception. It’s a phase that will pass in the years.” At least, I hope it will. I don’t want to do this for the next twenty years, she added in her head.

Twilight didn’t look assured, as she was continuing her pacing across the carpet. If she kept on, she would probably make a hole through the floor.

“Twilight, the only thing you need to worry about is what he eats and drinks,” Colgate said to try and comfort her. Twilight looked up at her but didn’t stop walking. “Just make sure he doesn’t eat too many sweets and refrain from giving him any soda for a few days. It’ll irritate the cavities farther even if he has just one cookie.”

She opened her mouth to reply, but a shriek that wasn’t Spike’s interrupted her. They rushed into the room to find Minty Fresh’s face and hoof singed and Spike looking absolutely sorry and terrified.

“What happened?” Colgate demanded, running over to the patient and nurse. “Did you hit is gag reflex?”

Minty Fresh coughed out a puff of smoke and nodded, her green eyes dilated in fear. “I didn’t know that would happen,” she rasped and a strand of her hair lit on fire.

Colgate sighed and put out the flame. Minty Fresh was a new employee, and it was a bad idea to let her nurse Spike’s teeth. It was not a great first impression for the rest of her job.

“How about you, uh, get cleaned up and I’ll take care of his teeth,” Colgate said, nudging Minty Fresh. “Did you finish brushing his teeth?”

“Y-yeah,” Minty Fresh muttered and stumbled her way to the bathroom.

Colgate sighed and levitated the mask to her mouth. Might as well get it over with.  She brought the mirror over to his face and said, “Good afternoon, Spike. How are you?”

“Fine, I guess...” he said, nervously twitching. At least he wasn’t nervously wiggling around in his chair, she was okay.

“Open wide,” she said, then charged into comfortable conversation with him again. “How’s Twilight been treating you?”

He opened with hesitation and said as clearly as possible, “Hetty hood.”

Colgate picked through his teeth with the mirror, making sure he didn’t have any loose teeth or any other faults she should know about. Thankfully, filling teeth was the only job she had. Then again, it was a burden as well.

“Now close your mouth and sit still for a moment. What flavor do you want?” she asked, opening the drawer with the mouth numbing masks.

“What kinds do you have?” he said.

Colgate sighed inwardly. Fillies and colts needed to start memorizing these things like she did. “We have orange, strawberry, grape, vanilla, marshmallow-”

“Marshmallow!” the dragon exclaimed, licking his lips. Colgate gave him a hard look before getting out the mask. She unwrapped it, hooked it up, and put it gently over his face. It was shaped a bit differently from his face, but it fit well enough to where it was effective.

Spike hadn’t moved yet, but Colgate knew he would when she brought out the needle. She put the bib on his neck, wrote his name and the date on the front with a marker, and said to him, “Now, I’m going to put a little balloon in your mouth, alright?”

He suddenly grew nervous. “Uh, hohay,” he said.

Colgate smiled and brought the needle close to his face but to where he couldn’t see it. “Just hold your breath and try and count to one-hundred,” she said. She knew none of this was going to work, and that he was going to jerk around from then on, but she was trying her best.

She carefully put the needle in as Spike whispered numbers to whom he thought was himself. Colgate sighed, then injected it in the side of his cheek.

Spike immediately let out a cry of surprise and pain. A burst of green flame flew out of his mouth, and Colgate ducked just in time before she was burnt to a crisp. Luckily she had been prepared and ready for these kinds of situation, believe it or not.

Colgate almost let out a yell of frustration herself. Now she had to do the other side of his mouth.

Horseapples.

She sighed and aimed for the other side while Spike was still shocked. The needle pushed in and Spike blew out another spark in fright.

“Spike!” Colgate exclaimed, losing her temper just as quickly. “It’s just a sho- I mean, balloon! Why are you freaking out?”

Spike was crying. “Because it hurts!” he whined. And, Colgate thought to herself, so does your whining. She frowned at him and put down the needle. Other ponies were staring at them, and Colgate tried to ignore them.

“You need to toughen up, Spike,” she muttered, then said louder, “Anyways, you don’t need to worry anymore. We’ve gotten past the hard part. Just, uh, stay here and numb up for a while and we’ll come back later.” She noticed the spit gathering in his open mouth and added, “You can shut your mouth and swallow now.”

Spike did as told and closed his eyes in relief. At least he wasn’t twitching anymore.

Since Twilight had already went back to the waiting room, Colgate had nopony else to talk to. Unless she could find the poor, scarred Minty Fresh somewhere in the office, she would most likely bore herself to death waiting.

Colgate pretty much just explored the office until the sound of quiet sobs made her stop in her tracks. She was next to the bathroom door. Feeling especially nosy that day, Colgate leaned towards the door and heard Minty Fresh’s soft, young voice through the wood.

“I’M A HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A DENTIST!”

Colgate moaned and pushed the door open. Minty Fresh was in front of the sink with her head slumped in the porcelain hole. Her one sparkling red and green mane was now a bird’s nest. Colgate felt a pang of pity for the young nurse and slowly approached her.

Minty Fresh hadn’t even acknowledged her arrival. “I’M GOING TO BE FIRED FOR SURE! MR. PEARLY WHITES IS GOING TO KICK ME OUTTA HERE FOR GOOD! I WON’T EVEN GET MY PAYCHECK FOR THE MONTH!” She continued her emo spasm for another dragging moment, then flipped around and saw that Colgate was standing there awkwardly. “Colgate?” she stammered. “What are you doing here?”

“Listening to your emotional pains,” Colgate said, then took a seat on the toilet’s lid. “Look, you’re not going to get fired because you got burned while cleaning somepony’s teeth. Spike is a dragon, he was going to spit fire at you in some point.”

Minty Fresh looked at Colgate with dark pink eyes that were now wet with tears. “Really...?” she choked.

“Pearly Whites wouldn’t fire you. He likes you too much as an employee to ever fire you,” she said, nodding. “I almost got burned today, too. It’s really no big deal.”

There was a strange, pregnant silence, then the two unicorn mares broke out in laughter.

Then Colgate suddenly remembered, “I have to go and give Spike his fillings!” Without telling Minty Fresh goodbye, she charged out of the bathroom and back into the main office.

To both Colgate’s relief and regret, Spike was still laying there, looking drunk and half asleep. The numbing mask and shots had worked. The easy part was over; now comes the hard part.

When a foal has a cavity, you drill a hole inside the tooth and fill it, right? Well, not in a dragon’s case. Their teeth are sharp, so you can’t drill a deep enough hole in it. So you have to cut it down a few centimeters, then drill the hole, and then fill it. It made it much more of a challenge, to put it simply.

Colgate strapped back on her mask and brought out the drill. “Just stay still, okay?” she insisted and drove right in without waiting for a reply. She wasn’t going to be nice for the rest of the time, and she wasn’t going to waste any of her precious time.

Spike was wiggling around like a terrified baby in an electric chair. Thanks to magic, though, Colgate managed to hold him down with a force of magic and cut the tips of his teeth at the same time.

Sometimes, she loved the blessing of being a unicorn.

After that, she started drilling holes. It was too late for her to put on the rings to separate the teeth, so she just continued to so she didn’t dillydag any longer. Spike had given up on screaming and was sitting there impatiently and unwillingly, jerking in pain every now and then.

Mothers and foals alike were staring at them again. A few of the fillies had begun crying and ran off, while others sat and watched, entranced by how hilarious it look. A dentist having to wrestle a dragon so she could give him a few cavities? That was comedy gold for children right there. Colgate didn’t know why comedians hadn’t thought of that yet.

She decided to rest her magic and carefully put Spike out of the shield. He had his jaws wide apart and was in too much pain to close them back. Colgate hoped that Twilight had not witnessed any of this.

“I need you to stay still for me for just a few more minutes, okay, Spikey-Wikey?” she whispered, her voice as cheery as she could muster.

Spike glared at her. “I hahe you...” he said with an open mouth. Colgate rolled her eyes and took out the drill.

“This won’t hurt a bit...” she lied.

Then Colgate did the most stupidest thing a dentist could do in the history of dentistry; poke the gag reflex in the back of the mouth. But she didn’t just poke it. No, she, to put it plainly and sweetly, basically stabbed it.

That was enough to trigger a flame from Spike. He screamed and one of the biggest shots of fire whipped past her head and hit the light on the top of the wall. It flickered for a few seconds by itself, then traveled down the cords and crept across the wall.

Spike and Colgate shared an agape stare before breaking out in shouts of terror.

“FIRE! EVERYPONY GET OUT OF THE BUILDING!!!”

At this, the ponies in the waiting room, including Twilight, screeched in fear and made way for the door. The fire had now reached the floor and hungrily devoured the carpet, chairs, and dental supplies.

Pearly Whites, a white stallion with gray hair, saw this from outside and sighed, “Well, that’s 4,000 bits in the drain.”

Luckily, all the ponies were outside when the fire really took over. It had consumed the whole ceiling and floorboards, overtaking the walls in a green flame. All that was left in just a few short seconds was a huge green fire and the smell of burning toothpaste.

Twilight, Colgate, and Spike looked at one another at the same time. There was a strange silence until Spike broke it.

“Whoops...”

Colgate glared daggers at him, her anger boiling in her body and rising as steam. She could have sworn some was blowing out of her ears that moment.

“Whoops?” she snapped, making both him and Twilight stagger back in surprise. “WHOOPS? THE DENTIST OFFICE IS BURNED NOW, I HAVE NO JOB, OUR MONEY IN THE CASH REGISTER IS GONE, YOU PUT TWILIGHT IN MILLIONS OF BITS IN DEBT WITH US, AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS WHOOPS?!?”

Spike twiddled his fingers nervously before answering. “...Yes?”

Colgate dropped down to the ground and threw her hooves into the air. What came out was a mixture of frustration, sadness, anger, confusion, and hatred.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!1!1!”