For the Empress

by TheCrazyMan

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1617

Commissar Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium gets more than he bargained for after a freak warpstorm sends him to a planet filled with ponies, friendship, Tyranids and above all, Heresy.

Cain’s Years as an independent Commissar were often fraught with not only terror and death, but also of victory and fame. Many of his feats, such as his participation in the Reclaimers’ quest onboard the space hulk Spawn of Damnation and his uncovering of a genestealer cult on the planet of Gravalax that saved the Imperium from the full threat of a Tyranid hive fleet, are well known. However, there are some tales that he dares not tell, either from Inquisitorial order, reluctance to remember such traumatic events, or the belief that spreading the story would discredit him. This is one such case.

-Amberley Vail, Ordo Xenos

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-01 22:10:01 UTC

Chapter One

Cain’s Years as an independent Commissar were often fraught with not only terror and death, but also of victory and fame. Many of his feats, such as his participation in the Reclaimers’ quest onboard the space hulk Spawn of Damnation and his uncovering of a genestealer cult on the planet of Gravalax that saved the Imperium from the full threat of a Tyranid hive fleet, are well known. However, there are some tales that he dares not tell, either from Inquisitorial order, reluctance to remember such traumatic events, or the belief that spreading the story would discredit him. This is one such case.

-Amberley Vail, Ordo Xenos

People often ask me what the weirdest of my adventures is. Often, I reply with the incident on Urgesh III*. People seem to be fond of that story.  However, I've never actually told the story that, to this day, I still wonder if it happened, or whether it wasn't a dream. However, according to Jurgen's persistence that it was most certainly not, I'm forced to believe it happened.

*An incident involving a pharmaceutical/toiletry manufactorum and a sect of Nurglite cultists. Throughout the short campaign he described his state of mind as “confused” rather than the usual paralyzing fear he experiences when encountering servants of the Dark Powers.

The 597th Valhallan had been sent to clean up yet another remnant of Hive-Fleet Behemoth. Hopefully, I’d figured, we’d end up landing on some barren world, taking a quick peek around and leaving. Of course, the Emperor just loves to torment me, and halfway through the journey a Warpstom hit our ship.

When it was finally over, I found myself in the fetal position in front of my lavatory, and a foul stench permeating the small room. I quickly got up and washed my face off with a small cloth, making sure to look dignified as a commissar should. I don’t remember much of the Warpstorm, but I do remember being surrounded by a squad of Guardsmen before suddenly departing with an excuse that had something to do with making sure some location I made up would be secure from any boarding daemons.

Luckily for me, my cowardly attempt to avoid fighting had in fact not thrust me into even more danger than I was trying to avoid. But the real reason I scampered off like a child was my image. If I break down into wailing sobs, incoherent mutterings and prayers, all while slipping in a puddle of my own excrement, that would do little to impress the men and women. Fortunately my fears only became partly true.

As I entered my main bunking area (which was quite spacious and private, as most people tend to stay as far away from Jurgen as possible) and put on my miraculously unsoiled commissarial trousers, Jurgen calmly stepped into the room with a mug of hot tanna*. I thanked him and ordered him to make sure the unit was organized, an order which he graciously accepted. That was one benefit of his small imagination and dogged sense of duty. If I tell him anything, he will accept it as fact and if I ask anything of him he will carry it out as if the Emperor Himself commanded it. I finished redressing myself as I heard a muffled series of loud thumps and footsteps right outside the entrance to my quarters.

*A drink common to natives of Valhalla, made from leaves naturally found in the ice caves of the planet. As Cain had been attached to Valhallan units for most of his career, he eventually picked up on the habit. As described by him, it is an “acquired taste”.

Lieutenant Sulla burst into the room with a stack of papers in her hand that contained a number of diagrams I had a cultist’s chance on Ultramar of understanding, to which I pretended to be interested in anyway, and spoke so quickly and out of breath I couldn’t understand a word she said.

She finally caught her breath and looked straight at me. “Geocentric system! Around planet goes! Archeotech!”

I still wasn’t sure what she was saying and she, sensing my confusion, brought up a miniature hololith. Pictured was a small, average, happy-looking planet. Some of the continents even seemed to form a smiley face. Then it zoomed out and dots began to appear around it. Neat, I thought. It had a couple of moons. Then one of them gradually grew in brightness and size, while the planet and moon got smaller. But the original planet wasn’t moving while the other two revolved around it...

And then the coin dropped.

At the time I'd only just left Gravalax*, and had not become quite as seasoned as I am now, so, of course, the natural reaction was to spit my tea across the room. Anyone else would've done the same thing, I assure you.

*A peacekeeping mission on the planet of Gravalax, where a conspiracy orchestrated by a Genestealer cult nearly forced the Imperium and Tau Empire into wasting resources that could have been better used to combat the coming hive fleet.

As Jurgen mopped up the mess, she explained further. It wasn’t a sun per-say, but some sort of technological fusion reactor floating around the planet at just a certain distance so that the planet wasn’t fried.

She also let me know that the ever-lovely Inquisitor Vail was calling a meeting of everyone important on the ship to decide what should happen. Unfortunately, she considered me important enough to attend said meeting.

A few hours later I was on the bridge, and I honestly considered shooting out the ceiling-high window* to alleviate the pure boredom of the meeting. Anything would be better than listening to this Tech-Adept drone on about spatial consistency in the new geocentric system.

*Which would have not been a very prudent decision, considering the wall of the meeting room was encompassed by a window to open vacuum.

To be fair, it had been exciting at first. After about three hours of listening to him, however, I was growing a bit peeved. Luckily for me, it was right about then Amberly interrupted the techpriest.

“All I want to know is if it’s true.” she said, obviously as bored as I was. Her retinue was absent from the bridge. Apparently her psyker was still getting used to Jurgen, and not just the smell, either.

“Why  of course!” the techpriest exclaimed, his implants clicking against each other. “I suggest we go down on to the planet, to ensure that mankind can apply this new lostech to good use!”

        Amberly slammed her hand down on the meeting table, an excited look crossing her face for the first time in two hours. “It’s settled, we’ll head down immediately.”

        “I assume, of course,” I said, coughing, “you’ll want troops on the ground to secure a Forward Operating Base?”

“Of course,” she said, a grin beginning to creep across her face. “And I want the only bona-fide Hero of the Imperium aboard the vessel to lead the charge.”

I do so hate this job sometimes.

About five hours later, I was on the Valkyrie with the rest of the first deployment force. Kasteen had assigned me a rifle platoon to be led by Lieutenant Sulla.

As Jurgen’s repugnant smell filled the passenger bay, I mulled over the information about the planet. Suddenly, I felt a slight tingling in my hands, my subconscious’ way of telling me there’s something not quite right. I rarely let myself down in that regard. I had no hard proof, but I learned early on in my career to always trust my gut.

Not a single one of our hails had been answered, despite the fact that they had technology of insane magnitude in orbit. Unless, of course, the inhabitants (assuming there were any) were either undiscovered or unbelievably primitive. It was my luck, of course, that we were horribly, horribly wrong on all accounts.

So we’d decided to set down in a small settlement nearby the largest one on the planet. Small enough so the locals wouldn’t be powerful enough to wipe us out. Hopefully.

In the end though, it wasn’t the locals we had to worry about, which allayed the moment’s fear in the worst way imaginable.

Journal of Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic, faithful student and protege of Princess Celestia

Entry #1

        That was weird, I thought. Princess Luna herself sent me her weekly plans for the stars’ arrangement in the night sky. But as I peered into the dark abyss on a routine astronomical study, something unusual caught my eye. It was like a supernova. And I write ‘like’, because even though it was visually indistinguishable from one, real ones didn’t suddenly appear and you couldn’t see the swirling, exploding gases expanding from the epicenter.

        For how close it was, it was very small and underpowered. It looked to be (relatively, in astronomical terms) very close, but a real one would have utterly annihilated Equestria and I wouldn’t be here writing this. Furthermore, supernovae didn’t disappear as suddenly as the appeared. Several seconds after my telescope settled on the phenomenon it vanished, receding back into itself as though I were to put a film backwards into a projector.

        I have decided to write to the mistress of the night herself, Princess Luna, regarding this. I have become an ameteur studier of her night and its history, yet I have never read of anything similar. My only conclusion, besides the Princess simply wanting to try something new, is an outside force affecting our night sky.

        But what would be powerful enough to challenge Princess Luna?