“So, what exactly is the problem here?” Jerry, the microwave repair pony (there is such a thing shut up) asked when the door to Sugarcube Corner opened and a smiling Pinkie Pie stood in front of him. Pinkie Pie grabbed his hoof and yanked him inside, soliciting a very surprised face from the repair pony’s face. They arrived in the kitchen almost as if they had teleported there, and Jerry stood dazed for a minute before regaining his senses.
“This is the kitchen!” Pinkie exclaimed with a point of her hoof, showing off the absolute monstrosity that was the kitchen. You see, she was just finishing up her latest batch of cupcakes and had yet to clean up. There was batter and sugar everywhere, on the floors, on the counter, on the ceiling. There was even some batter and sugar that had somehow managed to make its way to Jerry’s nose. He brushed it off and looked around the kitchen some more before turning back to the pink hype-bucket.
“It’s a bit dirty,” He said obviously, bringing his hoof off of a patch of sticky batter on the floor. Pinkie Pie gasped as if she hadn’t noticed the terrible mess until Jerry had pointed it out. She ran her tongue over the entire screen, wiping the kitchen clean of the mess with one swift animated transition. Jerry stood perplexed before shaking Pinkie’s saliva off of him. He let out another disgruntled sigh and looked up at Pinkie smiling at him. “Can you just show me where the microwave is?” He asked, already fed up with the pink monstrosity’s antics. Pinkie nodded her head violently and vigorously, with vigor, and ran out the back door to the kitchen, leaving Jerry inside.
Jerry began to ponder what he had done in his life to deserve such a fate. Where had he screwed up so that he ended up as a microwave repair pony, a profession who’s existence is rather debated? Well, you see, it all started with his mother, Sally. Sally came from a long line of boring ponies with extremely boring names like Bob, John and Cocaine Sniffer, and was well known around town for being a tremendous slut. She was shunned by her parents for running off with a young colt by the name of Hatter (He really was a nice colt; he had a good career going for him in the hat selling business), but that relationship fell threw when it turned out he was completely insane. So she bounced around (literally, bounced) from coltfriend to coltfriend, never really finding a good stallion to settle down with. After one particular one nightstand with a stallion named Joe, Sally found out she was pregnant with a colt that she named Jerry. Later, Sally found out that she was related to Joe, making Jerry a abomination of incest. Jerry does not know this.
Anyway, Jerry was raised by his mother to be a good boy and got good grades in school. He followed all the rules, and never got into trouble. By all accounts, he was a nice, average col-
“Hurry up!” Adam yelled at Will from across the writing table, throwing his coffee mug at him. “Nobody cares about his backstory!”
“Shut up, it’s important!” Will yelled back. Zach slammed his palm into his forehead so hard you could hear his skull shatter beneath his skin. “It’s called character development!”
“Nobody cares about this story anyway!” Adam exclaimed, flipping the table over and knocking off all of the items that were on it. “It has no plot!” Will lunged at Adam and began to strangle him.
“I’ll show you who doesn’t have a plot you uncreative little co-
Sorry about that.
Anyway, Pinkie returned into the kitchen, carrying with her a burnt, broken, and otherwise absolutely destroyed microwave. Jerry asked himself if she had hit it with a hammer, and when he saw a giant hammer leaning up against one wall of the kitchen, he answered his own question. Pinkie plopped the mangled microwave on the counter top and continued her creepy smile. Jerry stared at the pile of wires and metal, trying to figure out if it was even a microwave, let alone fixable.
“Uhm…” Jerry hummed as he inspected the microwave, looking over the burnt wires and broken front window. “I can’t fix this.”
“Oh, that’s ok!” Pinkie squealed happily, making Jerry look up from the microwave with a look of true perplextion. “I knew you couldn’t! That’s why I threw it out!”
“Then why did you call me here?” Jerry asked as Pinkie Pie tossed the wreckage of the microwave through a window, turning back to Jerry with a smile and ignoring the annoyed whine of a cat from outside.
“So you could fix my microwave of course!” Pinkie Pie said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Jerry looked at her as if she were completely mad, which, of course, she is.
“But there’s no microwave for me to fix!” Jerry pointed out, pointing to the window where an annoyed looking cat rubbed his head while glaring at Pinkie Pie.
“Oh right, I can fix that!” Pinkie exclaimed, zooming out the window and launching the cat into low orbit with the force. Jerry walked over to a counter, stood in front of it, and began to smash his head into it as hard as he could. He slammed his head into it for a few minutes before he finally stopped. The spot where he had been smashing was cracked and dented, surprising seeing as the countertop was made of granite. Pinkie Pie smashed through the wall of the kitchen, slamming into Jerry, knocking him down and landing on top of him. Pinkie stood up from on top of Jerry, and looked back at the Pinkie Pie sized hole in the wall with a frown.
“Hey, we need a new wall!” Pinkie yelled into empty air, which was quickly answered by two ponies with microphones on their heads entering the room. They carried with them a wall identical to the current one, except there was no pony hole in it. They took out the old wall, and installed the new one in its place. Satisfied with their work, they hoof-fived and threw the old wall out the window.
Pinkie turned back to Jerry, who was grumbling to himself as he stood up. She held up a brand new microwave and produced a wide smile. “I got a new microwave!” She squealed happily, not noticing Jerry slam his head into the counter once more.
“It isn’t broken!” Jerry exclaimed, making Pinkie re-examine the microwave and frown.
“You’re right, it isn’t.” She agreed, throwing the microwave onto the countertop and running to the other side of the kitchen. She grabbed her hammer and brought it down on the new microwave, shattering it with one swift blow. Jerry looked as if he was going to explode. “There, now it’s broken!” Pinkie squealed, throwing her hammer out the window for some reason. The hammer embedded itself in the old wall, immediately starting a romantic relationship with it. The hammer and the wall got married, despite several religious organizations scrutinizing their taboo love, and had several children together after moving into a quaint two story home made out of members of the wall’s family.
“That’s it, I quit.” Jerry announced, picking up a nearby towel and throwing it. He stormed out of the room and out of the bakery, trotting into the street. Pinkie Pie stood in the door way of the bakery holding the pieces of her microwave, watching as Jerry went down the street.
“No, you can’t leave!” Pinkie Pie cried after him like a deranged housewife watching her husband pack up his things and drive off. “Who’s going to fix my microwave?!” She cried, only to receive a colorful gesture from Jerry’s hoof that I didn’t know ponies could perform.
Jerry turned a corner and encountered a local drug dealer, and promptly bought several hallucinogenic compounds from him. Jerry went home and got blazingly high, and repeated this process until he was fifty-five years old. Once he reached that age he was put into a medical facility because his liver was failing, and he stayed in and out of very expensive surgeries that he could somehow pay for with ease until finally, at the ripe old age of 87, he died of arsenic poisoning in his morning bowl of Lucky Charms. Nopony knows who killed him, but a not so small inheritance did find its way to the family of the hammer and the wall. To this day they deny any involvement in the microwave repair pony’s death.
Author's Note
I wrote this in about ten minutes while under the influence of Dr. Pepper and ramen noodles. Enjoy.
