Things you never expect

by Thorn buck

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 7952

What do orks, chaos worshiping warlods, insane doctors and your average man have in common?

What do orks, chaos worshiping warlods, insane doctors and your average man have in common? absolutely nothing
Join Kaptin Bluddflagg, Eliphas the Inheritor, The Medic from tf2 and your every day family man Mike as they try to work together and set their differences aside so they can find a way home while also dealing with the strange inhabitants

Published 2013-01-21 22:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-18 18:07:26 UTC

Prologue

Planet Typhon
Ladon Temple Ruins

Kaptin Bluddflagg was standing in front of the giant teleport with a thoughtful expression plastered on his face. He had just witnessed his most trusted mek boy mister Nail brain enter the teleport, assuring it would work without any problems.

" I have no idea if that means it works...OH WELL!! HERE WE GO! WAAAAAAAAAGH!!" Bluddflagg let a fierce battle cry as he jumped to the portal and vanished in a bright light , leaving the jungle planet of Typhon.

Bluddflagg was spinning.

Everything around him was colorful and swirling around making the kaptin sick of his stomach.

" I have used teleportars almost all of my zogging life! I should have reached the other side instantly after I entered that zogging teleporta!" tought the Kaptin as he continued to spin at an alarming rate.

Then it hit him.

"MISTER NAILBRAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!"

Planet Cyrene
The Pit Of Maledictus

Eliphas roared as he and his fellow chaos marines charged at the Daemon Prince known as Azariah Kyras.

" Foolish Eliphas, do you really think that you and your pathetic henchmen stand a chance against me?" Bellowed the demonic voice of the daemon prince

" Silence Kyras! You are an disgrace to Khorne!" Shouted Eliphas as he kept charging

Kyras raised his behomoth arms to the sky and brought them down against the charging chaos marines.

" Scatter!" Shouted Eliphas as he managed to dodge the attack, but some of his Heretics weren't quick enough resulting in them being crushed by Kyras.

Before Kyras could resume his attack Eliphas brought his Daemon sword down skewering both of the Daemons hands, effectively pinning them to the ground.

"Now brothers! show him the might of the Black legion!" Every single chaos marine unleashed a storm of bullets against the Daemon while Eliphas immobilized its hands.Kyras screamed in frustration and pain as the bolters pierced his skin.

The Chaos Sorcerer Neroth watched from the distance as the Daemon struggled against the legion.

" Open the chaos portal" Said Neroth as he adressed his heretic servant
"But lord Eliphas is still there" the heretic replied with uncertainty
" Open.The.Portal" Neroth countered with malice oozing from his words causing the heretic to flinch.
" As you wish lord Neroth" The heretic bowed his head and left to prepare the portal.

Neroth turned his gaze to the battlefield and chuckled

" Farewell Eliphas"

Something was wrong.

Eliphas watched as a chaos portal began to materialize around kyras while he still was pinning his arms down.
" What is that Idiot Neroth doing!?" thought Eliphas ,but was cut short when the portal begun to spin.

Kyras screamed in pain as the portal begun to spin around him, he was already weakened by the hail of bullets and couldnt move his arms thanks to Eliphas. With a final scream the portal tore Kyras apart resulting in a bloody shower.

Eliphas pulled his sword out of the remnants of the Daemon prince and tried to make a mad dash to safety before the portal would consume him, but it was already too late.
Just before the portal absorbed him, he screamed his last word

"NEROOOTH!!"

2Fort
barracks

The Medic was having a bad day. First he was killed by a stray grenade and to make matters worse he was just about to ubercharge the Heavy. After he respawned the Scout wouldn't stop pestering him about uberchargin a teleport and thanks to him a spy managed to sneak in and stab both of them.

"For ze last time Scout im not going to charge ze teleport!" The doctors patience was wearing thin
" Oh come on! dont be such a wuss doc!" Blurted the Scout
"Why in ze world would i do that!? it serves no purpose!"
"Wuuuuss!"
"ARGH! fine but just this once" replied the medic as he began to charge his medigun
" Sweet!"
" Okay i am fully charged now give me some space you idiot" the Medic got into position as scout backed of to watch the events unfold from a distance
" I feel like an idiot right now.." mumbled the medic
" Cheer up doc! maybe the teleport will take you to a magical land of ponies!"
*eye twich*
" Ill kill him.."
The Medic then pressed the switch and started the charge..........only to be immediately sucked in after that.

SCOUUUUUUUT!!!!!!!

Earth
Kansas

Mike yawned as he finished his assignment of the day. He worked at an shipping company carrying packages all day, but that didn't bother him since the pay was good and he had to support his family. Mike had the appearance of an average middle aged man standing at six feet with short brown hair,brown eyes and casual work attire.

" I better get going or else Jason will be really mad at me for being late again" Mused Mike as he chuckled at the thought of his ten year old son wrecking the house for being late.

"I'm afraid your not going any where mister Mike" Echoed a voice inside the dark storage room causing Mike to almost have a heart attack

"Whose there!" Mike shouted as he reached for something to defend himself

"Yes.. you are the perfect candidate to entertain me" The voice whispered trough the darkness

Mike was sweating and his vision started to blur
"Please tell me this is a sick joke.."

"You decide if this is a joke or not mister Mike, but either way you'll still entertain me"

With those words spoken Mike started to black out, but before he did the voice spoke for the last time

"And so it begins.. do not disappoint me mister Mike as the others have"

Equestria
Ponyville

It was midnight and most of the ponies were fast asleep. Well most of them anyway

Twilight Sparkle was reading her tenth book of the day and didn't show any signs of stopping.

" Come on Twilight I'm trying to get some sleep here" moaned spike as he tried to block the light of the candle with his claw

" Just a moment Spike I'm almost finished with this one" replied Twilight without even looking at spike

" You have said that ten times already" whined spike
" Just go to sleep Twilight"

"Fine.." Spike breathed a sigh of relief

Twilight closed her book and blew the candles before trotting to her bed.

Had she looked out of the window she might have noticed a strange glow coming from the whitetail woods, but she was
already fast asleep.

She had no idea what events would unfold the next day

.............to be continued

Author's Note

And finally i have published my first story! The next chapter will be told from Mikes perspective

Mike and the Kaptin

Equestria
Whitetail woods

I opened my eyes, but immediately regretted my decision, as I was almost blinded by a bright light.

“Okay… Some guy just knocked me out and brought me outside for whatever reason…” I deduced as laid on the ground with my eyes closed. This was pretty uncomfortable, due to the fact my back hurt a lot.

I better get up and fast before he gets back! I thought as I opened my eyes, this time more slowly and scanned my surroundings. I was on dirt road in some kind of birch forest, this only served to make me more worried about my own well-being.

There aren't any birch forests anywhere near my work place. How far away from home am I? I took a quick breath to calm my nerves. There's no need to panic there must a village close by judging from the dirt road. I assured myself, but I noticed something odd.

The road, sky and trees looked unreal almost like they were from a cartoon.

Must. Not. Panic, I was starting to lose my myself! I shook my head to clear my mind. It’s only my mind, my mind is playing tricks on me! Get a hold of yourself, Mike! Then my thoughts drifted to my family. They must be worried sick!

I mentally scolded myself for almost forgetting them.

I stood up and with a new-found determination marched up along the dirt path.

"Aah! My damn back hurts," I moaned, but kept walking, I had already been walking for about an half an hour and the road just kept going.

Then I heard something in the distance.

Voices? Strange. I can’t see anyone on the road. I realized, but then noticed that the voice was coming closer. Is it screaming? it could just--…

"BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIN!!” An almost inhuman voice moaned.

"HOLY SHIT!" I screamed as a living being rocketed into the woods near me, landing with a loud “THUMP!”. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! I immediately began to panic, so I jumped to the nearby bush for safety.

"Ooh, me zogging back,” I heard someone mumble. “Wait... WHERE’S ME HAT!?" The same voice from the forest bellowed, causing me to shiver in my bush, "I LOST ME HAT! NOOOOOOO!!"

I gathered all of my courage to peek from the hiding spot, to see what was going on. I almost died of a heart attack from what I saw. Standing in front of my hiding spot was a massive green creature and it looked pissed. It was about 9 feet ,had beady red eyes and dangerously sharp teeth,but the most frighting factors were the things it was holding.

"NONONONO!!" I frantically ducked my head into my bush to weigh my options.

I could try to sneak out, but that would be way too risky... On the other hand, staying here would get me nowhere. I pondered, but these thoughts were interrupted when I saw something strange atop my feet.

"Is that a hat?" I wondered as I gazed the strange object. It was shaped like a pirate hat with the classic skull painted on it and it was navy blue, but it was unusually huge.

"IF I WILL NEVER FIND ME HAT, I WILL ZOGGIN’ STOMP THAT NAIL BRAIN!" I covered my ears as the creature continued to scream.

Wait a second he's looking for a hat? It couldn't be… Could it? I glanced at the hat again and realization struck me. I had his hat.

Running away won't work, hiding isn't working. I only have one choice left. Diplomacy. It sounded like suicide. But… If I could manage to return his hat, and not get killed while doing it, I could actually pull this off. So with a final, deciding sigh, I picked the hat and stood up. I hope that all those years of studying diplomacy paid off...

The creature had its back facing me and didn't notice me, so I set my brain to auto pilot.

"Greetings, good sir" I said, with a polite tone. The creature slowly turned to face me and noticed the hat I was holding

"Well, well, well… What do me old eyes see? A humie with me hat.." The creature spoke with a dangerously low voice while glaring at me.

"There’s no need to be angry, I only came to return your hat, good sir" I kept my facade intact.

“Why shouldn't I stomp you right where you stand for touching me hat?" the creature said as it took a step closer, which almost broke my poker face.

"Well, good sir, I believe you would gain nothing by "stomping" me, You see, I'm a weak and fragile human, so killing me wouldn't be satisfying at all… But, if you were to spare me, I could be your guide and get you out of this forest." Please work please work please work, oh good god, please work! The creature scratched its chin, seemingly to be in deep thought. I took this as a good sign, and continued "Think about this in a different way, good sir. You see, if not for me, your hat would have been lost forever"

"True… True…" the thing mumbled.

"And, if you would spare me, you could get your hat, and a guide. It’s a win-win-win situation, good sir" I finished with deep bow. The creature just stared at me with narrowed eyes.

"Is true that orks are made for winning...” he mumbled, but eventually gave in. “FINE! YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL, HUMIE!" He shouted as he grabbed the hat from my hands, and placed it on the top of its head. "Names Kaptin Bluddflagg, leader of the ork space pirates!"

Ork? Space pirate? Figures... “A pleasure making your acquaintance Captain Bluddflagg, my name is Mi-"

" Listen here, humie! I make the names here! Do I make myself clear!?" Bluddflagg shouted while pointing his huge gun at me, which nearly caused me to shit myself.

"SIR, YES SIR!" I quickly blurted out, military training kicking in.

"GOOD! You shall be called ‘Skinny Boy’ from now on" Replied Bluddflagg, lowering his gun. A wave of relief washed over my body. I somehow had managed to make a successful first contact and not dying!

He called me "humie". That must mean he must have met other humans, but for some reason I have a feeling that he isn't in his own world anymore. This "kaptin" fell from the sky, and by the looks of it has no idea where he is, could we both have been sent to a another world? I pondered.

"SKINNY BOY! WALK FASTER!" I shook my head to clear it, and turned to see Bluddflagg already walking away.

"Coming!" I yelled as I ran towards the impatient ork.

The more I look at the landscape the more cartoony it looks! I'm not in Kansas anymore... Which can only mean... We’ve been teleported into a cartoon.

SHIT

.................To be continued

Insanity with a touch of chaos

Whitetail Woods
Outskirt

"…and that’s why I like stomping more dan daka," finished Bluddflagg as we made our way out of the forest. For the short time we had been walking he had explained the entire ork culture, sub species and his personal life.

"Well, I must say, that was very interesting" I said, while keeping my eyes on the road. So I'm traveling with an alien whose sole purpose is to loot and fight? Wonderful... I thought while stealing a quick glance at the Kaptin.

"Oy! Humie! Looks like there’s something ahead" Bluddflagg suddenly pointed out causing me to, obviously, look ahead. As I strained my eyes I could see some kind of trees and a red barn in the distance.What kind of creatures inhabit this cartoon world? Are they dangerous? Will they send me back home? All of these thoughts ran across my mind as we closed the distance.

"What’s with these zoggin’ trees?" Bluddflagg commented with annoyance. Are those apple trees? I wondered as we reached the tree line

"They must be some kind of fruits. We should find the owner of this place and see if they could help us" Bluddflagg just nodded his head and we proceeded towards the barn.

It looks like no one is here at the moment. I realized while scanning the strangely empty farm.

"This place has no proper orkie value! I should just smash this entire plac-" ranted Bluddflagg, but was suddenly interrupted by a voice in the distance.

"IM BEING CHASED!!" What now! I frantically thought as we turned to face the culprit. A man with a lab coat, short black hair, black boots and a hat with a symbol printed on it was running for his life as he was chased by a… cartoon, horse?

You must be kidding me…

The horse had a red coat and a brown mane it also had an apple tattoo on its rump. The man was now running towards us while waving his hands. "I will do anyzing, just stop ze horse!" the man pleaded with a German accent. I snapped out of my trance and turned towards Bluddflagg

"Let’s help him, before he gets himself killed!" I waved my arms.

"Finally! Some stomping" Bluddflagg laughed as he readied his weapons.

“Just don't kill it, okay? We have to be in good terms with the natives or well be stuck here. Forever"! I said with nervousness while looking at his weapons. Bluddflagg just grumbled under his breath and dropped his weapons. The man fastened his pace and quickly hid behind me causing Bluddflagg to snort.

Play this for better a experience

"Is true that red ones go fastah..." Bluddflagg said as he took a step closer towards the charging horse narrowing his eyes on the process. "But.." The horse just now realized how massive the ork was. "…you zoggin squid have no idea that...." The horse shook its head and charged towards Bluddflagg. "GREEN. IS. DA. BEST!!" Bluddflagg roared as he raised his foot and brought it down, sending a small quake towards the red horse. The horses eyes widened and it tried to stay in balance, but it was futile. The quake sent the horse head first into an apple tree knocking it out cold, causing me to wince at the sight.

That was pretty clever and strangely awesome...

" Iz it gone?" the man cautiously peered from my shoulder, sighing in relief when he saw the unconscious horse.

"What in the world did you do to piss off that horse?" I asked and while turning towards the man. The man just scratched his head.

"Well… After I woke up in zat strange barn I realized zat I had lost my veapons! So I vent and searched for zem outside, but zen ze horse noticed me and began to chase me!"

Woke up? So he too has been sent here from another world...

"How did you get here?" I asked. The man’s face darkened and I swear I saw his eye twitch.

"I rather not talk about it right now......" if words could kill this guy would by a perfect killing machine....Wait… weapons?

"Do you happened to be a mercenary?" I cautiously asked

"Well of course mein freund! Is ze best job" The man replied with an eerie glee

So the man we saved is a psychopathic killer? Why me...

"Ooh! I almost forgot to introduce myself. My name is Medic. Or Doctor. Which ever you prefer" Medic presented his hand.

" A pleasure to meet you, Medic" I replied and shook his hand

"Now zen, we should look for my weapons sinc- WHAT ZE HELL IS THAT!" Medic screamed while pointing at the ork standing behind me.

Did he just realize? I mentally face palmed and Bluddflagg just chuckled.

"I like your hat humie! Give it to the old Bluddflagg"

"WHAT!? I just got zis hat!" I quickly walked over to the angered Medic

"Just give it to him. Trust me" I whispered to him. Medic just looked at Bluddflagg and back to me sighing in defeat.

"Fine...” Medic handed his hat over to the Kaptin which he happily accepted. "Now zen let’s find my weapons so we can leave this accursed place"

"That won’t be necessary," a voice pointed out, almost causing me to scream out of surprise. We all turned around to the owner of the voice. Standing in front me was the most intimidating thing i have ever seen

He was as tall as Bluddflagg and was wearing a bloodied armor along with a massive sword and a gun.

By the Gods....

Bluddflagg narrowed his eyes and raised his weapons. "Stinky chaos boy..."

"Believe me, ork, that I would have slaughtered you on sight" The man replied as he threw a bunch of weapons to the ground which medic quickly took "But since the situation is quite different I have not done so." The man stated “I came here for a proposition, you see this world has blocked my access to the warp effectively stranding me here and it seems you all have suffered the same fate, so let us be allies for this time since we pursue the same goal and the chances of succeeding are far much greater traveling in a group rather than to aimlessly wander this wretched world alone"

"Ze man speaks the truth. Ze more powerful allies we have ze better, who knows if ze natives are hostile? " The medic agreed. Should I trust this man? His armor is covered in blood for god’s sake!

"Ho-how do we now that we can trust you?" I blurted out

"As I said: you all would be dead if I wasn't serious" the man replied in a matter of fact voice. It seems I have no choice in the matter... I turned to Bluddflagg

"This does seem the logical option we should let him come since he seems to have no ill intentions" For now

"Oh zog me, fine! Let’s just get this over with"

"We will settle our differences in our world ork, but for now…" the man walked over to me. "I am lord Eliphas the Inheritor a servitor of Khorne." Eliphas introduced himself. Now I have to fear for my life even more.

"Let us make haste to the nearest village. Perhaps they have some knowledge to shed of where we are" Eliphas said and turned around to walk away.

"Ze day iz getting veirder and veirder" Medic sighed. Why do I have the feeling that this day is gonna get worse...?

To be continued.

Author's Note

Its true that orks are not known for working with humans and that chaos space marines would never help others thats why I chose Bludflagg and Eliphas since they both are the more "calm" inviduals.

We come in peace

Equestria

Road to Ponyville

After catching up with Eliphas we made our way towards a dirt road leading out of the farm in silence. In a very awkward silence.

This silence is making me insane! I have to talk to someone… I thought as I glanced at my companions. The medic was busy looking at his weapons for any damage and Bluddflagg was glaring at Eliphas while the latter just walked in front of us. Okay, time to socialize with "Lord Eliphas" I picked my pace to walk at his side.

"So Eliph--… I mean Lord Eliphas, can you tell me about yourself?" The armored man sifted his gaze from the road to me with an unreadable expression.

"You are a very bold mortal to actually gain the courage to speak to me. You should be honored to walk alongside me with your head still intact..." Must... Not... Run... "But since we agreed to travel in a group I will not decapitate you and to answer your question: I am a chaos space marine, who has served the dark Gods for thousands of years. That is all you need to know for now..." It’s something, I guess I nodded and turned my head towards the road in deep thought. That makes a pirate alien, a mercenary who may be insane and finally an old worshiper of some kind of evil Gods... I sighed as I shook my head thinking about what did I do to deserve this. "Mortal! I can tell by just looking at you that you are the only one who hasn't shed blood in our group." Eliphas suddenly commented.

I was confused by the question for a second but shrugged it off. "I'm just your average family man, who has been sent to another world, Lord Eliphas," I solemnly replied." I come from a relatively peaceful world where shedding blood of others is taboo." Eliphas lowered his head and seemed to be in deep thought.

"I see… But what if someone tried to kill you? Would you fight back?" What kind of question is that?

"Of course I would fight back!"

"Then tell me mortal, would you kill him?" I froze my mind going blank.

"W-well...I… Er, I…" I stammered unable to come with a proper answer

"Think abot what I’ve said, mortal, and give me your answer later" Eliphas replied before I could say anything. Would you kill him? Eliphas’s words echoed in my mind.

"OI! Skinny boy! Why’z you standing and not walking?" I shook my head and realized that I had stopped walking "Sorry about that, Kaptin, I was just thinking about things," I said as I quickly made my way to him.

"The chaos boys are sneaky. You’z better off not thinkin’ about what they says," You can be surprisingly smart when you want Kaptin. I thought surprised that the Kaptin had noticed.

"I can hear you, ork." Eliphas replied from the front, with a slight irritation, causing Bluddflagg to glare at him.

"You’z will hear more when I’ll rip your zoggin’ ears of and kick your arse so hard I’z can wear it as a hat, chaos boy!" Bluddflagg threatened while giving Eliphas the universal middle finger. I could swear Eliphas had look of pure murder on his face when Bluddflagg said that.

"I do have to admit zat a hat ov zat kind vould be rather interesting" The medic chuckled but was promptly silenced when Eliphas calmly strolled to a nearby tree and proceeded to rip it of the ground and flinging it towards him. "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" The medic screamed as he barely dodged the flying projectile.

"Time is of the essence. Let’s not waste it." Eliphas calmly stated while giving the medic a chilling stare.

The tension was getting so thick that you could cut it with a knife. "Now, now, let’s not start bickering amongst ourselves," I went to cool the tension before things started to escalate. "If we keep our walking pace, I’m sure we will arrive at the nearest village soon so let’s calm down!" Eliphas and Bluddflagg just stared at me, but nodded after a while of staring.

"Come. We have wasted enough time standing here" Eliphas went to walk again.

"Ze man has anger issues" Medic muttered as we started to move again

"It’s best if we just kept our mouths shut, wouldn't you agree?" I hissed, patting the doctor’s back for emphasis.

"Zat is true, mein Freund. Very true," he agreed while glancing at Eliphas.

The majority of the trip was made in complete silence, again, which gave me plenty of time to think about some of the many things that bothered me such as: Why did I feel safe traveling with a bunch of killers? What did Eliphas mean by asking that question? And why the hell Bluddflagg claims that red ones go faster?

My pondering was cut short when I noticed that Eliphas had stopped.

"We have arrived" The armored man spoke while pointing at some kind of village in the distance. I felt like kissing the ground. Finally! Civilization, how I missed you! I sighed in relief the walk had really tired me out. Eliphas turned to face us "You humans should go and negotiate with the locals, since mine and the ork’s appearance may scare them and ruin our chances of getting out of this world"

"That is true… but what if the locals are hostile?" I asked

"…I and the ork will be at a hearing distance and the mercenary has weapons for protection so you will be safe" Eliphas assured me.

"Okay, let’s do this, Medic" I turned to my companion who gave a nod of affirmation, we then proceeded towards the village while Eliphas and Bluddflagg kept their distance. We passed a wooden bridge and noticed a sing in front of us

"Welcome to Ponyville?" I wondered aloud, Medic’s eye twitching at the name.

"Who ze hell names their village ‘Ponyville’?!"

"Perhaps they specialize in breeding ponies. After all, the creature at the farm resembled one," I deduced.

"Zat could make sense. But why......" Medic trailed of causing me to raise a brow in confusion.

"What’s wrong?" I noticed that he was staring at something so I followed his gaze. My jaw dropped.

Ponies.

Ponies of different colors and tattoos were staring at us. I slowly scanned my surroundings and realized that we had walked right in the town entrance without even noticing because we were so concentrated on that damn sing. The town was full of ponies some of which were staring at us from the windows of the houses. It finally hit me. A town called Ponyville! With ponies who have their own houses… They are the residents of this world! I slowly turned my head towards medic "Let me handle this.." I whispered earning a nod from the stunned doctor.

I faced the quiet equines and raised my hand.

"We come in peace," I insisted. Then the screams started.

The ponies started running around like headless chickens some quickly running to their houses for safety, the street was empty in less than five seconds leaving a dust cloud behind.

"I believe that we have failed miserably at the first contact…" I laughed, in total lacking of ever getting this right. Medic laughed nervously along.

"Zat is true..."

To be continued.

We came in peace

Equestria

Ponyville Entrance

"Wow... Just, wow," After standing in the exact place doing nothing hostile for one hour, guess what happened? NOTHING!

"Vat a varm velcome..." The doctors sarcasm couldn't have gotten any higher.

"Do we really look so menacing? We are wearing clothes for gods sakes!" I was starting to lose my temper, after all even I have a certain limit on how much bullshit I can take in one day.

"Ze sad truth, mein fraund, is zat I’m starting to lose my patience! Zere is not much time left before I vill personally start breaking doors down if zese ‘ponies’ keep me vaiting any longer…" Medic’s voice lowered as his eyes twitched.

I sighed as I rubbed my eyes; things weren't going exactly as planned. I wonder what Eliphas and the Kaptin are doing?

"ORKS! ORKS! ORKS! ORKS! ORKS!"

"Silence Ork! You have been singing that for the past one hour!"

"Oh, shut it, chaos boy! You’s just a pansy like every otha chaos boy"

"May the warp claim your soul...."

"I jus’ realized zat ve haf overlooked vun major detail," Medic’s voice echoed in the empty village as he turned towards me. "Zat zey may haf alerted ze military ven ve were just standing here" he was sweating bullets. My eyes widened in realization.

OH SHIT!

*clop*clop*clop*clop*

The medic reached for his gun and swallowed a lump in his throat as the sounds of a cavalry suddenly appeared.

OH SHIT!

Advancing towards us was a large group of golden armored ponies (Some with wings and horns) carrying spears and helmets. I took a step back and glanced at the Medic’s gun. It was a red dart gun....

Darts versus armor....We are so screwed!

"You just had to have a weapon that doesn't work against armored enemies," I hissed at him, who in return just laughed awkwardly.

"Vell, I usually just concentrate on updating my healing ekvipment since I almost never use offensive veapons." The advancing group stopped about 60 feet from us and made space for a much larger white equine with a flowing mane, a tiara, wings… and a horn, flanked by six smaller ponies.

This must be their ruler. Time to try this again. I stepped forward and motioned Medic to lower his gun which he did, although slightly reluctantly.

"We come in peace," I said as I stared at the horse square in the eye. She was about my size.

One of the six smaller ponies stepped forward. This one was orange, wearing a Stetson, and glared daggers at me "You! You are the ones that hurt mah brother!" the pony accusingly stated while pointing at us. I could already feel the sweat beads starting to form on my face.

The red one was her brother!? Quick! Think of something! I internally struggled as the white horse narrowed its eyes.

"We come in peace" FUCK!

The blue winged pony standing with the other five just snorted.

"Says the one who knocked Big Mac out!" The winged pony commented with a scratchy voice.

"I assure you that it was purely on self-defense" I tried to reason with the equines, but the orange one was having none of that.

"Mah bother would never attack somepony without a darnn good reason!" He better have good explication for attacking us....I irritably thought. The silent horse finally decided to speak and stepped forward.

"Creatures! You have harmed one of my little ponies and caused havoc in Ponyville! Not only that I can also sense that you have spilled the blood of many creatures" WHAT!?

"It’s just mein job and it has nozing to do vith zis vorld" The medic glared at the horse while I picked my jaw from the ground.

"As my companion here said, we come from very different worlds and it’s his job to kill other people, but I assure you that I have never killed anyone!" I was in no mood for sick jokes and I could feel my temper rising again.

"While you may claim so, I can clearly sense that you have spilled the blood of the innocents" She coldly stated. How the hell does one "sense" that!? "You will come with us to Canterlot where you will be judged by your crimes." She motioned toward the guards who in return started to walk towards us " Please refrain from fighting back theres no need for more violence and I promise that you will have a fare trial" She claimed as she looked at us with....pity?

I couldn't hold it back anymore. After waking in a different world separated from my family, having to fear for my life several times and finally being lectured by a horse. All this in one day! "What’s your name?" I bluntly asked causing a raised eyebrow from the horse.

"My name is Princess Celestia, the co-ruler of Equestria and the raiser of the sun," If I wasn't so pissed of I would have questioned the "raising the sun" part. But now was no time for those kind of questions.

I let it all out.

"Listen Celestia!" I spat causing the guards to stop and glare at me "I have a wife and a son waiting for me, and I have no time being lectured by a talking FUCKING horse! So if you would be so kind as to send us back to our world, or direct us to someone who can so we can get of your hair, mane, whatever! But I warn you, if you attack us we will defend ourselves and it won’t be pretty!" The "princess" stared at me with wide eyes while, one of the six fainted, the others, except the pink one, who just covered behind the others, got into different stances, which I presume were fighting stances, while they glared at me.

"Then you give me no choice! Guards!" After hearing those words the guards resumed their advance.

It’s now or never! I took a deep breath. "ELIPHAS! BLUDDFLAGG!" I screamed from the top of my lungs earning confused looks from the guards and an insane laugh from Medic.

"Let ze dissection begin" he gleefully replied as the familiar stomping sound of something fast approaching ringed in my ears. The guards froze in place as Eliphas and the Kaptin ran to my side while Celestia’s eyes widened in horror.

"I have never felt so much darkness... " she whispered, as the six looked at Celestia with worry written on their faces "We must stop them at once before they taint this peaceful land," Celestia addressed her subjects with determination.

"You got it Princess! Leave these freaks to us" The blue one boasted.

"I believe it’s time to show these pathetic xenos the might of the chaos" Eliphas said as he glowed purple."My connection with the warp may be lost , but I still have enough of warp energy left to dispose of these xenos."

"Iz time for a propa stomping! Youz two handle those six while wez smash the goldy ones" The kaptin pointed at me and the doc. I really hoped it wouldn't have come to this, but there was no going back now! I got into a boxing stance while the doc faced me.

"Lets show zem vat ze humans can do, mein fraund," Medic laughed. “Bin ich korrigieren?”

I nodded.

.......To be continued

At the mist of battle

Well I certainly didn't expect this to happen… I thought as the mob of guards started to make their way towards us. My eyes widened in surprise when I saw the horns of the unicorns light up.

"Brain powah!"

"Psykers!"

"Magic!"

We all turned to look at each other. I rubbed my temples and sighed

"They’re all the same thing!" I shouted causing the others to just nod their heads and turn towards the advancing mob.

Ten unicorn guards charged towards the Kaptin who in return just smirked "Iz time for a propa arse kicking!" The Kaptin announced as he lifted his spiked hammer.

"Subdue the beast!" One of the guards shouted, the others lighting up their horns causing a gold shimmer to appear around the Kaptin, who growled in frustration and charged at the guards. "That’s impossible! How can you still be moving while you’re under our strongest paralyzing spell?" The guard demanded while lighting up his own horn. This did little to stop the enraged ork.

"Because zog the logic, I'm an ork!" Bluddflagg yelled as he brought his hammer against the guards at full force, sending them sailing through the air as their bones where crushed by the sheer force of the blow. "Who wants to get zogged next!?"

"Guards, subdue the others!" Celestia stepped forward "I will stop this self-proclaimed ‘ork’…" The guards nodded and split into two groups, one heading towards Eliphas while the remaining ones charged at me and the doctor, the six that were with Celestia also prepared to charge at me.

Shit! I nervously thought and turned towards Medic. "Think you can take some of them out with that… thing?" I pointed at the dart gun. The doctor stared at his weapon in deep thought and suddenly just threw it over his shoulder.

"I zink zat zis vill suffice" he stated calmly as he pulled a wicked looking saw from his belt. "Now zen... HEIL AUS!"Cackling, he ran towards the advancing guard.

"Medic, you fucking idiot! You don't just charge the line!" My shouts fell to deaf ears. Dammit, Medic! I thought and rushed for him, but stopped when a blue blur crashed against my stomach. I fell to my knees clenching my stomach in pain.

"I gotcha now you monster!" I directed my gaze towards the voice. It was that blue Pegasus with the rainbow mane. That blue abomination... I growled internally as I glared at the Pegasus who almost broke my ribcage. "Come on! Show me what you got!" The Pegasus taunted.

To think that I actually thought the locals were friendly! I thought. But I know how to deal with people like her I stood up, stomach still sore and motioned her to come closer. "Come at me, you stupid talking horse!" The Pegasi’s eyes narrowed and she charged at me with her hooves up, but just before she made contact I brought my fist against her face with a powerful jab which sent her spinning in the air as she yelped in pain and fell to the ground clenching her face. "Payback’s a bitch" I muttered as I made my way towards the fallen Pegasus.

"Tha-that didnt hurt!" The Pegasus whimpered. Don’t play it off. I knelt over her, causing her eyes to widen in fear.

"Sorry about this" I apologized, which earned a confused look from the pony.

"What do you mea-" She began to question, but stopped when I punched her square in the face knocking her out.

"This."

I stood up and saw the Medic delivering fatal blows to the guards with his saw causing blood to splatter all over the place while he just laughed. I sighed and was about to go help him, but came to halt when a guard fell in front of me, or rather what was left from him. I grimaced at the sight and turned around to find Eliphas easily sending guards left and right flying with his massive sword.

I was so caught up staring at the massacre that I didn't notice a pink pony sneaking from behind with a cannon aimed towards me till it was too late. "Meanie!"

Wait… What? Boom! " SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I yelled as I soared through the sky. My flight was short lived when I crashed into an apple stand. "This is not my best day..." I groaned in pain as I tried to lift myself up from the ruined stand.

"There ya are, you vermin!" Oh God... "You think you can just get away from hurtin’ mah brother?" I sprung up as the orange pony glared at me and pawed the ground.

“It wasn't my fault!" I argued back, but later realized that It didn't do any good when I received a solid buck to the stomach as a response. Not again... I fell to my knees for the second time. I could only watch as the angry pony turned around to buck me again.

"HIYAAH!" A familiar voice shouted causing the pony to turn towards the voice in confusion. "I'm coming, mein freund!" Medic shouted as he quickly grabbed the surprised equine by the hooves." Leave dieser Mann alone!" He spun the pony, causing her to fall on her back. I saw my opportunity and quickly hog tied the fallen pony with a rope that I found nearby.

"Thanks. I owe you one," I sighed in relief while the medic knocked the thrashing pony out by hitting her neck with the hilt of his saw.

"No problem, mein fraund," He waved at me and ran to the battle again.

“Sweeping Doom!” The voice of Eliphas echoed in the battlefield resulting in a massive shock way which sent the remaining guards of the second group flying as they were cut in half. "Hardly a challenge" Eliphas stated as he sheathed his sword and made his way towards me. "That leaves fifteen of the xenos, when counting the leader and the three unarmored ones" He said as he glanced at the battlefield. "I believe that we have made our case clear here. We should incapacitate their leader so they would surrender. Perhaps then they will be more cooperative." I nodded my head in agreement and directed my gaze towards the Kaptin who was now pummeling Celestia's shield spell.

"SMASH! STOMP!" The Kaptin yelled as he pummeled the shield, as expected, causing Celestia to sweat in strain.

"You will not corrupt this peaceful land!" Celestia yelled as she shot a beam of pure light towards the Kaptin, piercing his shoulder.

"AU! AU! AU! Pansy horsey!" The Kaptin shouted in rage as he broke the shield with a mighty swing. Celestia in return shot another beam at the Kaptin’s hand sending the hammer flying away. "Nowz you did it!" The Kaptin grabbed Celestia's horn and causing the glow to fade from her horn while the princess stared in shock. "WAAAAGH!" The Kaptin shouted as he lifted the ruler of the sun and smashed her to the ground with bone crushing force knocking her out cold.

The remaining ponies turned towards the voice only to find their ruler lying unconscious on the ground. "Princess Celestia!" The purple unicorn shouted in horror.

"Hear me xenos!" Eliphas shouted gaining the attention of the ponies. "We have your ruler in our control now!" The Kaptin flung Celestia over his shoulder and made his way towards us. "If you don't want to get slaughtered lower your weapons!" The guards looked at each other and quickly threw their spears to the ground, The medic shrugged his shoulders and dropped a thrashing purple maned pony with three gems as a mark from his grasp.

"Another victory for the orks!" Bluddflagg laughed.

"We shall now wait for this xenos to wake up" Eliphas pointed at Celestia."Since she is a powerful psyker, she has to know a way to send us back. And if she declines..." He glared at the ponies "There will be severe consequences".

"Zat might take an hour or so" The doctor examined the princess. "She has been hit quite hard."

"So we have to just stand here awkwardly for one hour?" I sighed as I sat down, my body sore.

"Oh zog that!" The kaptin yelled and dropped the unconscious monarch. "Wez gonna party now! Every victory needz a propa party!"

Eliphas groaned loudly "Oh, by Khorne… Please, no..."

"Too late, chaos boy!" The Kaptin pulled a small radio from his pocket and threw it on the ground.

"How the hell are we going to get a signal here?" I muttered while caressing my sore back.

"If I sayz it will play, IT. WILL. PLAY!" And without any good explication the radio started playing.

"Youz listening to "Like to Smash?" A voice sounded from the radio."Todayz wez gonna play something really orkie! OI! Play the tape you grots!" After a moment of silence a very cheery tune stared playing.

My Little Pony, My Little Pony

Aaaaaaaaaaaah

My Little Pony

I used to wonder what friendship could be

Until you all shared its magic with me!

"Thatz my tape youz zogging idiots!" Eliphas slowly planted his face on his hands.

Big adventure!

Tons of fun!

The sounds of what I would describe of a bar fight echoed from the radio.

A beautiful heart

Faithful and strong

Sharing kindness

It's an easy feat

The ponies stared at the radio dumbfounded, while Medic tried to drown the sound by hitting his face against the wall.

And magic makes it all complete!

My Little Pony

You’re all my best friends

"Wez sorry about dat...now wez gonna"

My name is Pi—

"QUIT IT!" Several awkward minutes passed as the sounds of shouting and fighting echoed.

"Play it!" The sheer volume of the radio sent me crashing against the nearest wall. Curse ork logic! I twitched in pain as I fell to the ground, leaving a human shaped form at the wall.

The Kaptin just laughed and started stomping the ground and singing along.

Medic had crashed through a window with just his lower body visible while Eliphas had to use his sword for balance. Our crowd wasn't fairing much better as they were trying to cover their ears.

I tried to stand up, but as luck would dictate a flower pot was knocked from a house by the tremors, hitting me in the head.

Again, curse ork logic... was my last thought before I blacked out.

To be continued.

Watchers

Watchers

????
????

Three mysterious figures watch as Mike and the kaptin make their way out of the forest.

"Soon the human will fall to chaos..." a disembodied voice echoed

"Keep wishing that spikey boy,the humie will bend to us" Replied a gruff and primal voice

The shadowy figure just glared at the creature sitting next to it.

" Now now gentlemen let us not start a fight shall we?" A very sophisticated voice interrupted

" After all we have a game to watch" The voice pointed out while observing the two travelers

" Harmony or chaos, war or humanity which path will he go? let us enjoy this game and see what happens " the voice turned to the other figures.

"Gork,Mork and Khorne"

Author's Note

a build up chapter for the future events