*Not Medically Accurate.

by Herrpface

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2197

Twilight has plans to aid the CMC in easing their quest...

Twilight is baffled by the Cutie Mark Crusaders' lack of success in their journey, and plans to find out why. The girls, however, aren't aware of her true intent...

Published 2013-01-22 10:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-22 10:10:02 UTC

One is the loneliest chapter.

*Not Medically Accurate

“READY?” Scootaloo shouted.

“READY!!!” her three friends shouted back.

Scootaloo lit the fuse, scrambling to enter the cannon before the gunpowder ignited. Making it in, the cannon went off, sending the four fillies almost a hundred feet into the air.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PONY CANNONBALLS…” was what some stray locals heard as the fillies flew overhead. The fillies, as they anticipated, landed in a net just near carousel boutique. What they didn’t anticipate was ricocheting off the trampoline, screaming as they soared ahead. Thankfully, they landed in a bail of hay being pulled by Big Macintosh, who was bemused that their impact sent his load flying everywhere. The fillies paid no attention, as they were to busy checking themselves for any changes.

“Nope…nuttin’…” Apple Bloom said despondently.

“Yea…same here…” Babs responded.

The other two were just as successful. All four of them shared a resonant sigh.

Downtrodden by their failure, each of them decided to go get some lunch nearby. As they ventured through town, a mauve unicorn interrupted their search.

“Oh, hi, Twilight! How are you today?” Sweetie Belle said politely.

“Hey, girls! I’m not up to much. But just so you know, I’ve got a plan for you four sometime tomorrow."

“Plan?” Scootaloo said. “What kind of plan?”

“Oh, it’s not much. But this might interest you: It’s to find out why you three are having trouble with those cutie marks!”

All three gasped in excitement. “REALLY?” they all squealed.

“Sure! Plus, if we find out what’s wrong, we can develop a remedy! So what do you all say?”

All three looked to each other in amazement! Everything they had hoped for was coming true! “YEAH!!!” they all chanted.

“Great! Just come by tomorrow at three, okay? I need to set everything up.

Tomorrow at three...

The four girls stood before the wooden doors of Twilight’s library, barely able to hold still from excitement. As Apple Bloom knocked, Twilight almost immediately opened the door after the first knock.

“Hey, girls! Ready for that testing?”

“YEAH!!!” they simultaneously yelled.

Twilight giggled at their joy. “Alright, come on in!”

She opened the door further for them. As they entered, Apple Bloom looked behind and noticed something unique about Ponyville today.

“Not many ponies around today, huh, Twi’?” she said.

“I’ve noticed. Lots of ponies take vacations this time of year, and many are going to Canterlot for certain businesses. It happens all the time this time of year.”

“Huh.” Apple Bloom muttered curiously.
As Apple Bloom joined her friends inside, Twilight gave an almost psychotic grin as she looked at the near-deserted town.
No witnesses…heheheheheh…she thought, resisting the urge to say it out loud.

Twilight lead the four rambunctious fillies to the basement, none of them noticing the door being locked behind them. They were surprised to see that all of her equipment, which usually took up a majority of the room, was now moved near the walls. It was as if space was made for something due in the center.

“So Twilight, what’s the big test you wanted to perform on us?” Sweetie Belle asked curiously.

“Well, Girls, I was watching you four going about your ‘Cutie Mark Crusading’, and…I started to wonder...” She said as she circled the group, a strange, edgy tone to her voice unnerving them. “Hundreds…and HUNDREDS…AND HUNDREDS of cutie mark crusades…’cutie mark crusaders bungee jumpers, cutie mark crusaders DEMOLITION EXPERTS… CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DIVORCE ATTORNEYS!!!!!…But none…NONE of them giving positive results…an endless cycle of attempts and failures. Almost like…a disease…”

The four girls’ fear grew as the intimidating tone in Twilight’s voice intensified. At its peak, she was practically shouting. Scootaloo was the first to speak after a long moment of silence. “Wh…What are you talking about, Twilight?”

Twilight grew a sick, twisted grin as she explained. “What I’m saying is…if you girls have had so many failures after such hard work…something…SOMETHING…is wrong in here,” she poked Scootaloo's stomach. “…That’s preventing your success! So I’ve decided to do a little…research…”

“H-How are y’all gonna do th-that, Twi?” Apple Bloom whimpered.

“It’s easy! I’m just going to cut you four open, examine what could be in there, isolate, it, and hopefully create a cure! You four are going to be heroes!”

The four of them gaped at Twilight as if she just spoke gibberish.

“Y-Y-Ya going t-t-t-ta k-kill us?” Babs barely managed to stammer out.

“Oh, don’t worry! You’ll be saving billions of fillies and colts just like you!” She replied with a deluded tone of joy.

Babs glanced to an area to the right behind Twilight, seeing a baseball bat perched against the wall. She realized that if she somehow made it past Twilight, she could defend herself and her colleagues. She bolted to Twilight’s right side and gave her a solid kick in the right hind leg. Upon crippling the unicorn, she darted towards the potential weapon.

However, just as she was a few feet from the bat, “Ah-Ah-Ah!” Twilight said in a scolding tone. With her magic, she levitated a battle axe displayed on the wall from its hooks and vigorously swinging down through Bab’s neck. The blood that would normally have traveled to Bab’s larger-than-usual head sprayed from her neck in a torrential stream, coating almost every square inch of the basement’s walls with crimson as her headless body galloped madly about the room.

“GUUUARRRRRRRRKKKKK!!!!!!! HUUUUUUURRRRRRRRGGHHPHGPFFTFFTGT!!!!!!!! BLUUUAAAAAAAAAAARRGGPPHUKURHHTFPUKHT!!!!!!!!!!!!” Was all Babs could yell without her head connected. Twilight had slipped while trying to apprehend Babs on the puddle of blood that now carpeted the basement, and could only watch as her body strode up the steps and smashed through the locked wooden door.

“NO!!!!!!” she yelled as her first ticket to success got away. Frantic denial overtook her. Don’t panic, Twilight…she’ll be dead soon enough…nopony is around to notice where she came from…besides, you can work with just three...

That thought was interrupted as she noticed Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle making a dash to escape. She immediately swung the baseball bat with her magic into Scootaloo’s abdomen with enough force to cause scootaloo’s scapula bone to dislocate and launch through her left nostril. With unmatched velocity, the rogue bone spun like a Frisbee until it smashed against sweetie belle’s skull and knocked her out cold.

Twilight pounced onto the disabled pegasus and pinned her to the floor by holding her hooves to the blood-covered concrete. Scootaloo looked up to see Twilight looming over her like a predator about to end its prey. Twilight shoved half of her leg into Scootaloo’s mouth, who let out garbled sounds of refusal as Twilight's arm writhed around in her neck. She yanked out Scootaloo’s brain, the spinal cord still attached and trailing into her throat. Twilight looked in fascination at the organ and summoned a scalpel to incise it. As she did so, a hot stream of stomach acid shot out and melted a majority of her hair.

“Meh, nothing here.” She said as she swung Scootaloo around like a hammer. Scootaloo flew through the room upon release and smashed into the wall, her broken body landing in a wastebasket in the corner. Twilight looked to Sweetie Belle, who remained indisposed, then turned to the mortified Apple Bloom, who watched the battle in horror while huddled into the corner.

Unfortunately for Twilight, she failed to notice that she had stepped a few inches near Bab’s severed head, which clamped its all-powerful jaws around her ankle. She let out a screech in pain, shaking her hoof frantically in an attempt to un-pry Babs’ irate head from her foreleg. In one mighty shake, the head dislodged and flew several feet into the air and fell right onto Twilight’s neck, biting in. Twilight’s screams increased twofold as she scrambled about while Babs’ head chewed out almost half of her neck.

After much struggling, the savage head finally came loose. Twilight struck it with the baseball bat as it fell, sending it across the room. Sweetie Belle had regained consciousness only five seconds prior, but was knocked out again after Babs’ head ricocheted off of her and landed into wastebasket in the corner. Twilight turned her attention back to Apple Bloom, who scrambled to a nearby table in search of some sort of weapon.

Apple Bloom heard Twilight galloping to her. Just as Twilight was right behind her, she grabbed a canister of table salt on the desk and threw her arm out to let Twilight see the container. The manic unicorn halted immediately when she realized Apple Bloom’s intent.

“T-T-Take it easy there, Apple Bloom…” She stammered, realizing that Apple Bloom held probably the deadliest chemical to any living creature in history. “Y-You don’t want to do anything foolish…”

Rather than comply, Apple Bloom extended it further from her, causing Twilight to recoil as if Apple Bloom brandished herself with a flamethrower. An almost eternal moment of silence passed, both of them waiting for the other’s move in hopes of finding a weak point.

In a flash, Apple Bloom hurled the canister at Twilight, who anticipated the move and ducked. Simultaneously, she used her magic to accelerate the canister as it soared overhead. Sweetie Belle had awoken moments before, just in time to see the container fly towards her.

“OH, COME ON!!!” she yelled as the canister dumped the salt all over her, causing her to age ten million years into dust in less than five seconds. Twilight turned her attention back to Apple Bloom, who was cornered helplessly into the wall.

“There’s no where to run, Apple Bloom…It’s just you…and ME….” She said with a malicious grin as she slowly approached the helpless child. However, her pursuit was interrupted by a symphony of hooves descending the basement steps. Twilight looked over her shoulder to see Babs' body returning, Applejack holding its hoof. Applejack observed the scene in horror as Babs’ body pointed a hoof towards them and uttered more garbled nonsense.

“BLAARGHARGHHRAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!! URGFFFFFJJJJKKKKKT!!!!!!!!!!! FRUUHCKHKURRKUURRKCGT!!!!!! KARRRVGGGGREUKTURWUEEIarruggrugaaa….” Was all she managed to spurt out before slumping onto her side, motionless. Applejack watched with horror, then leered at Twilight with boiling rage.

“LET GO OF MAH SIS, YOU CRAZY VARMINT!!!!” she bellowed.

Twilight let out an enraged groan as she realized another obstacle in her progress. “YOU’RE INTERFEREING WITH THE FUTURE, APPLEJACK!!! DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW MANY PONIES COULD BENEFIT FROM THE RESEARCH I'M ABOUT TO DO ON HER?!? DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT SCIENTIFIC PROGRESS AT ALL?!!?!!”

Applejack remained staunch. “Ah don’t care ‘bout NUTTIN’ that involves dismembrin’ fillies…’SPECIALLY FRIENDS N’ FAMILY, TWI!!!”

Twilight was unaffected. “Hm. Well, Applejack, I’m not one to estimate, but whatever’s affecting Apple Bloom,” she levitated the scalpel to her as a weapon. “IT MIGHT RUN IN THE FAMILY!!!”

She gave a scream as she lunged at Applejack, who dodged the scalpel and swiftly wrestled it from Twilight's grip. As the cowpony thrust the surgical tool into her abdomen, Twilight yelped in pain as she bled mercury, and kicked Applejack in the shin. Applejack lay helplessly on the ground in pain due to a ruptured appendix as Twilight stood over her.

“Don’t worry, Applejack. You’ll be saving ponies everywhere…goodbye.” she softly cooed. Applejack, however, noticed a baseball bat about a foot from her head. Grabbing it, she swiped it and haphazardly swung it, striking Twilight’s face and cracking it.

Twilight, getting over the shock, glared down at Applejack. “Don’t do that again, Applejack…” she said with venom.

Unphazed, Applejack swung again, deepening both the crack in Twilight’s face and her anger.

“Applejack, I told you to stop…”

Applejack swung again.

“APPLEJACK!!!!!”

After one final swing, Twilight’s head finally gave way with a crushy smash, her limp body falling onto its side. What was once Twilight’s head was now a mess of paper mache, shredded tissue paper, and assorted wrapped candies on the floor. Applejack crawled over to Apple Bloom, still pained over her fallen appendix. Apple Bloom bawled into her chest.

“A-A-Applej-jack…” she managed to get out, sobbing. “They’re…(sniff)…Th-They’re all d-d….dead…”

Applejack hugged her sister, consoling her. As she patted her little sister on the back, a look of strength and determination crossed her face.

“No…Not yet…They’re too young y’hear? Ah won’t let em’…AH WON’T LET ‘EM DIE!!!”

…

28 bandages, 30 rolls of tape, 58 staples, and 12 glue sticks later…

“Thank you, Applejack…I…I thought our days of cutie mark crusading were over…” Sweetie Belle tearfully said as she hugged Applejack.

“Yeah…I’ve never been so scared in my life…” Scootaloo said.

“I…I really owe ya, cuz.” Babs said.

“Shucks, girls…Ah’m just glad y’all ‘re safe…” She said as she looked with gloom at the scene around her, ashamed that four innocent fillies had to endure such carnage.

“…Come on now, let’s all go to the police.”

As they left the library, Applejack took notice of the trail of blood that zigzagged through Ponyville to Sweet Apple Acres. However, her gaze was interrupted by Apple Bloom.

“APPLEJACK, LOOK!!!” Applejack turned around too see the ex-cutie mark crusaders looking amazed by the marks that now adjourned their flanks, each one a tombstone with a red X through it.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS NOT-DYERS!!!”

THE END*