All that Glitters is Gold

by Bucephalus

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Adventure, Random, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 56818

There are three things that connect Fool's Gold, Short Fuse and Ambra together. First is that they do not have any money. Second is that they are idiots. The third is that the narrator does not care about them very much.

One is a former host club employee down on his luck, taking any odd job to get back the money he once had.

One is a former royal guard out of her element, having been forced into early retirement for her violent tendencies.

One is a former letter carrier, whose claims of narcolepsy are jotted down as her simply being unbelievably lazy.

One is a narrator, trying to make some sense out of their antics and build a comprehensible story.

Together they intend to get rich: it all goes downhill from there.

Published 2013-01-23 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-05 19:51:58 UTC

Chapter 2: Any publicity is the type that will get you in trouble at some point!

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 2
Any publicity is the type that will get you in trouble at some point!

“Ugh… I can’t believe this. Wakin’ up at the evening, goin’ ta bed at sunrise… What sort ‘a life is this?”

Short Fuse spat to the ground, angrily grumbling about her current situation. She was making her way to the less fancy parts of Canterlot, ones conveniently hidden on the other side of mountain. That way, whenever Canterlot was filmed, the poorer districts did not show on television. On these streets, red lights and flashy neon signs shone everywhere, announcing more-than-dubious shops with more-than-suspicious patrons. This was the somewhat ugly truth that hid in the shadows of every city: the tough but sometimes warm world that seemed to be completely separated from the happy life of the official cartoon.

Since the kingdom opened its borders, it had been here that the immigrants of Canterlot had been shoved, where they would not be in the way of the rich and beautiful. In other words, it was the true cultural melting pot of Equestria. Ponies, gryphons, creatures from all around the world and from all walks of life gathered into the northern districts of Canterlot. In a city that barely acknowledged them, they had created their own little safe haven, where the odd were understood, where the deviants were tolerated and where the strange were accepted. It was just the type of place one could see in an late night documentary that you did not want your parents to find you watching.

That did not mean that there weren’t any problems, far from it. This part of Canterlot never fell asleep. It was a cesspool of the worst creatures in Equestria, all banding together in a single place. But when you put groups so diverse in the same place, conflicts are bound to appear. Originally there had been just a single street called De Wallen, but soon, with the arrival of immigrants, there were four long streets running parallel to each other. There was Yoshiwara, the home of the Neighponese immigrants and the like. The street between Yoshiwara and De Wallen was Patpong, run by gryphons and other non-pony species. The northernmost street, near the outer wall, was called La Zona, where hooved species that stayed separate from ponies tended to live.

Four streets, four crime syndicates that controlled them, and creatures from all over the world living on those streets: it was an area of constant struggle for survival, with crimes and fights being simply part of life. Short Fuse remembered from her time as a guard that those who were assigned to patrol the area cursed their luck.

Together these four streets formed a single district of dreams, hopes, greed and life. In here you could be anypony you wanted to be, and nopony judged your way of living. If you simply abided by the unspoken rules, you would do well.

This was Shangri-La. The home of the good, the bad and the ugly of Canterlot.

As the noisy houses of Patpong Street changed to the overly colorful splendor of Yoshiwara Street, Short Fuse finally saw the place she had been looking for: a large hostess club called ‘Tenjiku’. A five-story pagoda painted in deep purple colors, with bright neon lights flashing in every corner and placards advertising the services provided inside. Connected to the base of that alluring building was a smaller house, equally Neighponese in style. The sign above the door read, in big black letters: “Gold Standard.” That was the name of the freelance group working in that building.

The same group of freelancers that Short Fuse was part of.

“This is, like, the life that can’t be shown in a Saturday morning cartoon,” the mare walking beside Fuse said. “The life behind the flashy exterior of Canterlot, don’cha know?”

The mare with the sand-colored coat and the short brown mane was named Mineral Lick. She was one of the few friends that Short Fuse had made during the week she had been living in Yoshiwara Street. She was working as a cabaret girl on the same street, in other words, making sure the customers of the club remained filled with alcohol and their wallets remained devoid of bits. Mineral was a laid-back mare who thought of herself as extremely fashionable. Too bad the yellow Neighponese kimono she wore fit her as well as Shatner’s toupee.

“You take that back! This fits me like crazy!” Mineral Lick complained.

Sorry, girl. Your horrible fashion sense cannot be excused in any way.

“Just ignore that,” Fuse advised her friend. “Ya will just go literally crazy if ya try ta argue with it. Anyways, goin’ back ta your previous topic. I know that it’s different here. But, ya know, is this alright? Showin’ something like this in a Teen-rated fanfiction?”

“Don’cha sweat on the small details,” Mineral said and laughed. “There’s no visual, so we can just play dumb if we’re accused of something.”

“Oi! Stop talkin’ about dangerous stuff like that!”

As the two mares made their way down the streets towards the hostess club, they had to avoid groups of drunkards, courtesans going on their business, and passed-out politicians who had been thrown out of the bars. With the red lanterns and noise of a sleepless town as their backdrop, it created an atmosphere very unlike what Canterlot was normally like. While the merriment died down at the same rate as the sun came up, it was still a few hours till dawn.

“But as crazy as this town might be, I kinda like it, too,” Short Fuse suddenly admitted. “We’ve got the office, I’ve got some friends, an’ since we got some bits from the last job, Fool’s Gold could pay the rent again. So all’s not bad. Anoddah job would be nice, but like I said, I can’t complain.”

“Speaking of your boss…” Mineral Lick suddenly arched her eyebrows. “Is that him, like, over there?”

Short Fuse looked where her friend was pointing, and to her horror and annoyance, she saw the familiar golden-maned stallion sprawled on the middle of street. Judging by how one Neighponese courtesan simply walked over him like he was a bear rug, he was completely plastered.

Closer inspection by the mares proved these suspicions true. Fool’s Gold reeked of alcohol like a comedian after the Oscar Gala.

“Boss… What do ya think you’re doin’?” Fuse inquired, a vein in her forehead twitching dangerously.

“Ooooh! Hiiii! If it ishn’t the delinquent mare!” Fool’s Gold said with slurred words, opening his eyes. They were both pointed into the distance. “Actshually… ain’t there three of you? What did you a do? Find the mirror pond?”

“The only thing I’ve found is a pathetic stallion,” Short Fuse growled. “Weren’t ya supposed ta pay the rent?”

“Oh. That.” Fool’s Gold adopted a somber expression. “I kinda blew the money. You know, pachinko.”

To emphasize his words, the stallion made the gesture of turning a dial with his right foreleg.

That was the last straw. What had been a pulsating vein on the mare’s head turned into an erupting volcano of anger. Performing a roundhouse kick that defied her physique, Short Fuse launched Fool’s Gold into a flight. The drunken stallion crashed through the doors of the hostess club close to them, scaring both patrons and the hostesses inside.

“What do ya think you’re doin’, ya #¤%@&$!?” Fuse roared so loudly that the whole street echoed. “Ya lost all our money into some ¤%&#@$£ foreign gamblin’ machine!?”

“I jusht don’t know what went wrong!” Gold protested from the inside.

“I know exactly what went wrong!” Short Fuse pointed an accusing hoof at the stallion. “Your brain is what went wrong! If I had ta compare, it’s on the level ‘a Tiger Woods gettin’ his putter stuck on multiple holes!”

“Hey, Fuse, isn’t that a bit harsh?” Mineral asked, looking at her fuming friend worriedly. “He was, like, just drunk.”

“Oh, I ain’t gonna let him off the hook this easily,” Fuse said, looking at her friend with furious eyes. “It’s ‘cuz I hafta ta explain this ta the Empress.”

Mineral Lick tilted her head.

“Empress?”

****

“So… let me get this straight. Y’all lost the money ya were supposed to bring to me… because this foolish stallion decided to gamble on one of the pachinko parlors?”

The pegasus mare, sitting on an extravagant cushion in the corner of the room, was as beautiful as she was intimidating. She was taller than most stallions, yet alluring to behold. Carefully applied make-up enhanced her foreign appearance, and her milky white coat was in perfect harmony with the expensive, red twelve-layer kimono she wore. She used her right wing to hold her Neighponese pipe, a kiseru with a long shaft and an intricate bowl. This mare’s blazing orange mane had been elaborately put up, showing just how important she was in the Yoshiwara Street.

The mare’s name was Kishi Kaisei. To the locals who were not Neighponese, she was simply known as Phoenix Empress: the feared owner of hostess club Tenjiku.

Empress was also, to his great misfortune, the landlord of Fool’s Gold.

“I-I’m really sorry!” Short Fuse bowed her head repeatedly. “Ya gotta believe me, it was this idiot’s fault! We’ll get your money, I swear!”

They were currently in the office of Gold Standard, the freelance agency of the trio. As it was in the side building of Tenjiku, the rent was naturally paid to the fearsome mare who owned the club. Now, in the morning light of the sun, the dangerous allure of the main building was gone, but here in the office, a completely different kind of danger had arisen.

“Stop shouting, you two…” Fool’s Gold moaned and hung his head. “I think I’m gonna puke because you keep breaking the sound barrier.”

“What am I, Bell X-1!?” Fuse asked. “I ain’t even a pegasus, for Celestia’s sake!”

“There, there,” Ambra, who was currently rubbing the back of the badly hungover Fool’s Gold, said. “Let it all out. It’ll feel better.”

“No ya don’t!” Fuse retorted, looking rather horrified. “If ya puke in here, I’m a smack ya through the roof!”

“Now, quiet down, ya’ll. To be perfectly honest, I don’t care if ya turn into X-1s or X-Men or whatever. Just fork over my money,” Empress said, cutting into the argument of the trio.

“No, if we turn inta X-Men, we’ll have a whole other can ‘a worms open regardin’ copyrights,” Fuse answered. “This story’s already spiralin’ ta its doom.”

“X-Men?” Ambra tilted her head. “Rogue. I wanna be Rogue.”

“Shaddap! You’re just makin’ the situation worse!” Fuse shouted before she could calm herself down.

“You know…” Regaining his composure a little, Fool’s Gold braved on despite his hangover and faced Empress. “Even if you want your money, the mistake’s done already. I blew it all on gambling. So tough luck, Cypress.”

There was a whistling sound that cut through the room. As a reward for his bad joke, Fool’s Gold got the mare’s pipe thrown straight to his forehead like a dart. The stallion’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell backwards, crashing to the floor.

“Who’s a cypress!? Are ya making fun of my height, huh!?” Empress roared, her nostrils flaring. “Keep at it, ya pyrite bastard, and y’all will find yourselves without a place to stay!”

“C-chill out, Empress!” Short Fuse hurried to the rescue of the stallion. “He’s an idiot, sure, but it’s true. We’re all outta money. Can ya think ‘a any way we could make it up to ya?”

The older mare frowned, adopting an expression that made both Short Fuse and Ambra retreat few steps. With a clear hint of annoyance, Empress yanked the kiseru out from the forehead of Gold with her enormous wing and brought it to her lips. She took a drag, closed her eyes, and blew out a cloud of smoke. The wrinkles on her forehead grew in number as the mare descended deep into thought. A tense silence fell upon the office, and Short Fuse found herself sweating bullets.

Finally, Empress opened her eyes.

“There’s one thing y’all could help with. I ain’t saying ya lot are off the hook or anything, though,” Empress spoke, her heavy courtesan accent shining through. “The thing is, I’ve a problem y’all might be able to help me with.”

“Oh, no, no-no-no!” Fool’s Gold, who had finally recovered, hurried to shout. “I know what sort of tasks you give to ponies! It’s either something humiliating, something extremely dangerous, or something that we can’t show in a PG-13 story! Or all of them at once!”

“Pipe down, fool. This is serious,” Empress said and scowled at Gold. “The thing is, an associate of mine is in trouble. If ya help this pony, I’ll count this month’s rent as paid.”

“A bodyguard job?” Short Fuse said and sighed. “I guess I’ll hafta forget watchin’ today’s episode of The Colt ‘n the Beautiful.”

“Again with those soap operas!” Fool’s Gold groaned. “Can’t you just get a VCR, or something? If you’ll decline jobs because they clash with the reruns of those idiotic series, we might as well close the shop.”

“Mm. I’ve got VCL,” Ambra interjected. “Good enough?”

“We’ve all got VCL! I’d be pretty damn worried if we didn’t! So stop it with the stupid jokes!” Gold retorted, swatting the gryphon with his hoof. “Anyways, that isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that the pony we gotta bodyguard is bound to be one of those perverted aristocrats who frequent the club. I don’t want to play a babysitter for some creepy geezer.”

“On the contrary…” Empress smirked at the trio. “This ain’t a bodyguard job. Y’all will have to help somepony out of trouble. Easy as that.”

Under the doubtful gazes of Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold, Empress clapped her hooves together two times. This seemed to alert someone who was on the other side of the door that led into the club. There were two doors in the office: One leading straight to the street, and one leading to the backrooms of the hostess club next door. The latter was almost never used, and if it was, it was usually by Empress. So it surprised the trio to see the wooden door slowly open so tenderly it was almost meek.

“Let me introduce you,” Empress said and glanced sideways at the pony standing in the doorway. “This is one of my club’s best employees: Maccha.”

Contrary to the expectations of the trio, the pony standing in the doorway was anything but a geezer or a pervert. She was a tiny mare, only a bit larger than a filly. Her light green coat was perfectly matched by her deep green mane, which had been tied to two buns, one on each side of her head. She wore a simple white yukata, like many of the mares working in the hostess club. When she saw that she was under the scrutiny of so many stares, Maccha squeaked and hid behind the door, peeking into the room.

The way this reaction changed Gold’s attitude was rather remarkable.

“Now, now, don’t be afraid, little girl,” the stallion said and was quickly by Maccha’s side. For some reason, it seemed like his whole being was sparkling. “I would not hurt a beautiful mare like you. After all, I am as tender as an angel. Or, if you’d prefer, I could be a devil, too, just for you.”

“What’s wit’ this host-mode activation!?” Short Fuse shouted in shock. “He’s like anoddah pony completely! Just how two-faced is he!?”

“Inversion,” Ambra commented, clapping her claws together in realization. “Maccha made him macho.”

“Stop it with such horrible jokes!” Fuse retorted, swatting the gryphon. “We already have enough problems as it is!”

As Fool’s Gold guided the meek mare into the office, both Short Fuse and Ambra eyed her with growing confusion. They found it hard to believe that someone as small and gentle as her could have gotten herself involved with something dangerous. Even when Gold had her sit down in a chair and started tending to her just like a real host, the mare seemed nothing more than background pony from the cartoon who had somehow found her way into a completely wrong story.

“Now, Maccha. Why don’t ya tell these three about the problem you have,” Empress said, raising her eyebrow at the small mare.

“Ah, before that…” Maccha said, fidgeting around. She gazed at the trio gathered in the room, and a bright blush spread across her face. She put her hooves into her thick mane…

“Could I serve you some tea?”

… and fished out a full Neighponese tea set, putting it on the table before them.

“So that’s where ya got your name froooom!?” Short Fuse roared at the sight of the tea set. “Just how unoriginal can ya get?! Don’t tell me that’s your whole character trait!?”

“Ah, yes,” Maccha answered and smiled embarrassedly. She raised the hem of her yukata, showing off her Cutie Mark. It was a grey cup on its side, with green liquid oozing from inside and creating a puddle. “As you can see, my Cutie Mark… is a cup of green tea.”

“More than green tea, ain’t that a barrel ‘a some really dangerous substance!?” Fuse retorted. “Ya sure your name ain’t Magnox instead!?”

“Yes, quite sure,” Maccha answered, tilting her head in confusion. “Now, would you… want some tea?”

In the time it had taken for Short Fuse to protest about the existence of Maccha, the small mare had already finished preparing three cups of green tea. Using a rather expensive-looking pot, she poured the liquid into three cups before putting them on the table. The delicious aroma floated in the air, and to her annoyance, Fuse saw that Fool’s Gold and Ambra were already enjoying their cups with unfittingly content expressions on their faces.

“Why are ya takin’ this so leisurely?” Fuse roared at them. “We hafta do this job, or we’ll lose the office!”

“Calm down, delinquent girl. Your retorts are getting out of hoof,” Fool’s Gold answered. “We ain’t doing a manzai here, so lay off it, will you?”

“We aren’t?” Ambra asked, looking up to the stallion with a confused expression. “I thought Fuse was that one character. You know. One with Kansai dialect. Hence, manzai.”

“Stop makin’ jokes the readers won’t get, ya featherbrain!” Short Fuse shouted, swatting the gryphon once again. Then, giving a sigh that was like a balloon deflating, she sat and took the tea meant for her. “Just… let’s just get on wit’ the problem, ya know? I feel like cryin’…”

After the strange situation had finally calmed and the trio had finished their tea, Empress finally gave a nod for Maccha to start her story. Switching her posture a couple of times uncomfortably, the mare took one look at Fool’s Gold, who patted her encouragingly on the shoulder. Then, taking in a deep breath, Maccha began talking.

“Um, yes… well…” Maccha said, trying to find the right words. “I’m… I’m in bit of a bind. That is, in lot of trouble. You see… We are hostesses. We aren’t supposed to fall for our customers, or get serious with them. Yet… I did that mistake. I started feeling more for this one stallion that frequently requested for me… High Hopes was his name… and we, sort of, started to see each other. I knew it was a mistake but I… fell in love with him, no matter how odd it may seem. And he loved me too. But then, he had the chance to rise in the ranks of the aristocrats of Canterlot, and, you see… we had to put an end to our relationship. An influential politician can’t have a hostess as his girlfriend.”

“What, you want us to make him take you back?” Fool’s Gold suddenly asked, looking rather unimpressed with the story so far. “Don’t be an idiot. I’ve heard of High Hopes. He’s now one of the top dogs of Canterlot elite. He ain’t gonna even look at your way anymore.”

“No, no, that’s… not it,” Maccha answered. She hung her head, staring dejectedly at the floor. “You see… someone sent me a letter. They threatened to… to… to reveal my secret. If I don’t pay them 20,000 bits by tomorrow, they’ll reveal the whole thing to the public! It’ll destroy my personal life and the dreams of High Hopes! This club will get a bad reputation because of my stupid, stupid mistake! I can’t let such a horrible thing happen!”

With tears forming at the corner of her eyes, Maccha was forced to take a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Short Fuse put her hoof on her shoulder, trying to console the green mare. Even Ambra, who usually had eyes like those of a dead fish, seemed sorry about Maccha’s current situation. The young gryphon leaned forward in her chair, unable to find the right words to say.

It was finally Fool’s Gold who broke the silence.

“So? What do you want us to do, Maccha?”

“I know it’s a lot to ask, but… but I need your help, Mr. Gold!” Maccha cried out. “There’s no way I can gather such a large sum of money by tomorrow! So… so… please lend me 20,000 bits!”

In that instant, Fool’s Gold pushed Maccha’s head through the lid of the pot on the table, straight into the steaming hot tea.

“Aaaaalright! Now that we’ve got the idiocy out of the way, can you tell what you really want us to do, Empress?” Gold asked, completely ignoring the struggling mare. “I think my ears just heard something unbelievably stupid, but I must’ve been wrong. I must’ve been wrong, riiiight?”

“Indeed ya were,” Empress answered, taking a drag off her pipe. “I would not be foolish enough to ask money from somepony who would lose it in one night to slots and other forms of gambling.”

“Then what it is? I’ll tell you right now, I won’t do anything that we’d need to censor,” the stallion said, frowning. “We’re still rated Teen, you know?”

“Who’d want ya to do something like that!? Ya still seem to think you’re hot stuff, you pyrite bastard!” Empress roared. Then, after visibly forcing to herself to calm down, the mare continued. “Since it’s about money and scandals, I presume that I do have a pretty good idea who is behind this. Blackmail is a style of criminal activity the ponies who are in charge of De Wallen Street do. Ya should journey there. I am sure ya will find clues to the identity of our blackmailer there.”

“De Wallen Street… do you mean that this is connected to the mafia of that place?” Fool’s Gold asked before clicking his tongue. He scratched the back of his head, which finally freed the struggling Maccha. The mare collapsed to the floor, trying to catch her breath. “Are you serious? Hostesses, blackmailing, politicians and mafia. That’d be enough to make anypony lose control of their bladder.”

With sigh, Fool’s Gold used his magic to pick up the pack of cigarettes from the desk. He also brought forth his lighter, using it to light up the cigarette before bringing it to his lips. Taking a drag from the thing, he blew out a cloud of smoke. Watching the stallion smoke, Short Fuse frowned at him.

“Shaddap. We don’t wanna hear about your bladder, ya know?” She said. “Keep ‘em stupid jokes to yourself.”

“That wasn’t a joke,” Fool’s Gold answered, looking dead serious. “I really need to take a leak.”

“Then go do it ‘n stop talkin’ about it!”

Driven out of the office by Fuse’s angry comment, Fool’s Gold opened the door and exited to the streets. This left the three mares and one female gryphon alone in the office. Empress, having finished smoking her pipe, gave a long and tired sigh. She rose to her feet surprisingly nimbly despite wearing such a complicated and large outfit. Stretching all four of her legs and standing tall, she really showed an aura fitting for someone nicknamed “Phoenix Empress”. Even Short Fuse felt in awe while looking at the mare.

“Question,” Ambra suddenly said, as she helped Maccha up from the floor. “Why us?”

Empress seemed to be uncharacteristically surprised at those words. For a moment, she stayed completely silent. Then, after scratching her cheek awkwardly, she gave a dry smile to the pair.

“Because I know that I can trust Fool’s Gold to help poor Maccha,” she said. “And for him to take ya two under his wing… that means I can trust ya too.”

Hearing those words, both Short Fuse and Ambra smiled. A compliment from a mare as tough as Empress was one that really meant something.

“Um, Empress… is it okay if I accompany them to De Wallen Street?” Maccha suddenly asked, gazing up to the older mare meekly. “I… I want to see this to the end… myself.”

“Sure, go on and join these idiots on their task,” Empress answered and turned around, starting to leave the room. “That does remind me: I would suggest ya hurry after that fool. Right now he must already be on his way to De Wallen Street. After all, he does know how dangerous that place can be, and wants to keep you three safe.”

“Y-yeah!” Fuse nodded.

The trio hurried out of the office and onto the streets outside. There, they saw that the sun had already climbed high into the sky and it would soon be midday. The ponies that were walking around were not those who partied through the night. These were locals, ones living in this cold and warm, vulgar and gentle town. Hostesses, bartenders, courtesans, dancers, and escorts filled the streets, and nopony judged them as they lived their normal lives.

It was a sight that only Shangri-La could present.

There, amongst that crowd, was one golden-maned stallion, making his way through the crowds while smoking a cigarette and fiddling with his jutte using his magic. With the blue skies and the colorful buildings of Yoshiwara Street as a backdrop, the stallion’s strong back seemed like it was meant to be there: on the dirty, dusty, well-traveled streets. His posture was that of a pony who loved his town and whose town loved him back.

“Oi, oi. Lay off a little, will ya, Narrator?” Short Fuse laughed.

Sorry. I got little carried away there.

“Hey! Gold! Where do ya think you’re goin’?” Fuse shouted while running afte him. Ambra and Maccha followed her. The stallion turned to look back, and when he saw the trio, his face broke into a weird grin.

“Like I said, I need to take a leak,” Fool’s Gold said. “And my favorite public lavatory just happens to be in Da Wallen Street, you know?”

“Oh, that sounds promisin’,” Short Fuse said and returned the grin. “Does it have an automated toilet?”

“The seats,” Ambra continued. “Heated?”

“You bet. And over twenty scents to sprinkle around after you’re finished,” Fool’s Gold said and laughed. “I’m sure we’ll catch a stench of something fishy in there. Who knows? It might lead us straight to some strange blackmailer, too. Does that sound good?”

“Y-yeah!” Maccha chimed in, flashing a smile to the stallion.

And so, with Short Fuse, Ambra, and Maccha following after him, Fool’s Gold headed forward, whistling a strange tune that put a spring into the hooves of the ponies.

So it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story. Next time, our “heroes” shall dive into the plots of Shangri-La to uncover the true culprit behind the cowardly blackmail attempt.

“Oi! Why are you putting quotations marks there you damn Narrator!?” Fool’s Gold shouted.

Then, till the next time.

“Don’t just ignore me! Oi!”

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 2: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Minuette had a tight grip on her cola, and she kept slurping on it very noisily. After a while of the continuous sucking sound, Twinkleshine had had enough and punched Minuette in the ribs, nearly causing the other mare to choke on the cola.

“G-gah! Why did you do that!?” Minuette asked, gasping for breath. “I nearly choked!”

“You deserved it! What with all the toilet humor in the story, combined with that sound, I feel like I need to go to the toilet soon!” Twinkleshine complained.

“Oh, it wasn’t so bad,” Minuette said and grinned. “I kinda like toilet humor. Do you know why?”

“Well?” Twinkleshine asked.

“Because I can end it by flushing it down the drain!”

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Author's Note

Since my friend suggested this, I'll be giving a brief explanation on various, more obscure things mentioned in this story.

Shangri-La: The four streets of Shangri-La District are named after four famous real-world places. The type where no good kids should go.

Cabaret-mare: "Cabaret-girl" is a type of occupation in the east. Basically, the customers of the bar pay you for sitting with them, drinking with them and flirting with them, all while looking pretty.

Pachinko: A Japanese arcade gambling game. Their version of slots, basically.

"Heavy courtesan accent": The courtesans of ancient Japan used to have a very distinctive accent which they used. I've tried my best to emulate this into English to the way Empress speaks.

Manzai/Kansai: I usually don't want to explain jokes, but this might need some info: Manzai is a traditional stand-up comedy. Fool's Gold is basically saying that Fuse is acting like she was in a such stand-up comedy act. Ambra continues this by alluding that Fuse's Brooklyn accent is somewhat similar to Kansai accent, which is used a lot by manzai-comedians.

Hostess: Somewhat similar to a cabaret-girl, except that hostesses take also part in paid dates outside of bar-work, and other such stuff. A bit raunchier version of a cabaret-girl, basically.

Jutte: A type of Japanese weapon. Use Google if you have to.

Chapter 4: There's no fool like an old fool who thinks he's right!

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 4
There’s no fool like an old fool who thinks he’s right!

As the eyes of Fool’s Gold fluttered open, he realized there was something wrong. It wasn’t only the Camus from the last night that kept pounding in his head, nor was it the annoyingly catchy country song he had listened to while drinking the bottle he had “acquired.” There was an inexplicable noise that seemed to reverberate through the small side room of the Gold Standard’s office. It was something like a combination between somepony banging a trashcan and the sound that a moose in heat makes.

In short, it was enough to piss off both Fool’s Gold and this Narrator.

“Shut up out there! Some ponies have had a long night!” Fool’s Gold shouted as he got up from his futon. “How would you feel if I started shouting outside your window after you had to spend a night on the couch because you had a fight with your wife? Huh? Would that be fun!?”

Opening the window at the side of the room, Fool’s Gold peeked outside to find the culprit for the horrible sound. At first he saw nothing but the usual sight of Shangri-La district’s morning: tired hostesses and bartenders, even more tired courtesans, some foals spraying graffiti to the side of a building and everything in-between. However, after listening for few seconds, he finally realized that the sound was, in fact, coming from right below his window.

“…What do you think you’re doing, geezer?”

There, right below their office’s window, was a bearded old stallion dressed in rags. In his hooves was an old can that he kept shaking so that the coins inside rattled loudly. While he did that, he kept shouting things like “Help a stallion in need!” and “Spare a bit for an old warrior?”

“What does it look like, young’un?” the old stallion said. “I’m working for my living, that’s what!”

“Work for it somewhere else! You’re giving me a headache!” Fool’s Gold shouted. “I was up all night, playing billiards with Wordwise. Do you have any idea how close I am to puking because you keep shouting?”

“I don’t care, young’un!” The geezer said and huffed. “It’s not my problem that you decided to ignore the warnings of your parents when it came to—“

The words of the old stallion were cut off unceremoniously as Fool’s Gold opened his floodgates, and a chunky waterfall of puke fell from his mouth straight into the can.

“Heyyyy! What do you think you’re doing, ya whippersnapper!?” The geezer shouted, retreating quickly. “That’s dirty! Worse than dirty!”

“It’s your fault, geezer,” Fool’s Gold answered, wiping his mouth. “You’re the one who kept shouting like that.”

“Well, it’s the only thing I can do, if I want to have dinner tonight,” the old stallion grumbled.

“What do you mean? I just gave you a free lunch, right there.”

“I’ve never seen a lunch as dirty as this! Return it to the chef immediately!” The geezer retorted.

“No, not even the chef wants anything to do with that lunch after it left his hooves,” Fool’s Gold said. After giving a sigh, he jumped out of the window, into the street, and sat down next to the geezer. “What are you even doing in Yoshiwara Street? I know De Wallen Street and La Zona Street are kinda dangerous for beggars, but wouldn’t Patpong Street be more preferable?”

“No, no, Patpong Street is too dangerous.” The geezer emptied his can of the puke before tossing the whole thing away. “Especially for a dirty old stallion like me. I can’t flirt with young mares there, since you never know if they are really mares or stallions.”

“In that case, just do what every stallion does,” Fool’s Gold grunted and lit a cigarette before bringing it to his lips. “Trust the magnificent sensor that’s granted to them, located between their legs.”

“At this age, my sensor is already broken.” The old stallion sighed. “Last time, it reacted to a popsicle. I think it’s in its death throes.”

“That’s the sad fate of every stallion, ain’t it?” Fool’s Gold took a drag from his cigarette, puffing out a cloud of smoke. “Anyways, what’s your name? And what do I have to do to get you out of here?”

“Spare Change. I’m Spare Change, young’un,” the stallion answered. “And I’m not going away till I get enough bits for a dinner.”

“Huh? Didn’t I just give you a free dinner?” Fool’s Gold asked, only to be punched to the ribs by Spare Change.

“Like I said, that dinner was too dirty! Never mention it again!”

An awkward silence fell between the two stallions. Since neither had anything to say, they opted to watch the flow of creatures that walked up and down the main street. While Fool’s Gold kept smoking his cigarette, Spare Change took another of the empty cans lying on the street. He put it right in front of him, with hope in his eyes. However, even if many creatures walked right past them, none of them threw any bits to the old stallion.

After a minute or two, Fool’s Gold finally sighed in annoyance.

“If this keeps up, you’ll be stuck in front of my office forever,” he said. “Fine. I’ll help you get enough money for your dinner, so leave immediately after it. Is that fine with you?”

“Whatever, young’un.” Spare Change spat at the ground. “As long as I get my meal.”

Having come to an agreement, Fool’s Gold also took a can for himself. After judging its weight a bit in his hooves, he started gazing at the passers-by. His eyes narrowed dangerously, and even Spare Change started to realize that something was wrong. Eventually, after a moment of hesitation, Fool’s Gold finally nodded to himself and raised the can he was holding. Then, with a powerful throw, he threw the can straight into the head of an unsuspecting stallion that just happened to walk past them.

Needless to say, it was a magnificent throw, akin to those of Walter Johnson. The can hit the stallion clearly in the head, knocking him out instantly.

“Why are you praising him, Narrator!?” Spare Change shouted. “He just assaulted a civilian!”

Now that the stallion on the street had been knocked out, Fool’s Gold gave a satisfied grunt before walking over to him. Calmly, he used his magic to open the pocket of the pinstripe suit the stallion was wearing and fished out his rather fat wallet. Then, as nonchalantly as possible and without caring about the stares of the other passers-by, Fool’s Gold began counting the bits inside the wallet.

“Ten… twenty… forty…” Fool’s Gold let out a whistle. “Mm, who’d have thunk? You were pretty loaded. Wait, don’t I know you from somewhere? You’re Joey, aren’t you?”

Of course, the knocked-out stallion wasn’t able to answer. However, this narrator can confirm that this was indeed the same wisecolt that Fool’s Gold had assaulted in the previous chapter.

“Oi, geezer! I got your meal money right he—“

Fool’s Gold was unceremoniously cut off by a roundhouse kick from Spare Change.

“What do you think you’re doing, young’un!?” Spare Change shouted. “You can’t just go robbing ponies in the street! That’s wrong, that’s wrong on so many levels!”

“Ugh. Who cares?” Gold asked while rubbing his cheek. “It’s not like we’re required to teach lessons about life to young readers. Actually, this might be a good lesson. A lesson about how life isn’t easy, and sometimes you must be prepared to assault innocent passers-by in order to succeed in life. Preferably with an aluminum can.”

“What sort of lesson is that!?” Spare Change shouted. “Don’t go teaching weird things to the whippersnappers of this modern society! Put the money back in his wallet!”

Clicking his tongue in annoyance, Fool’s Gold obeyed the old stallion. Begrudgingly, he put the wallet back into the wisecolt’s pocket. Since the stallion showed no signs of waking up, Gold used his magic to whisk him out of sight and into a dumpster that lied in the back alley.

“That’s it, no evidence left behind,” Fool’s Gold said, clearly satisfied.

“What are you, a criminal!?” Spare Change roared. Seeing the anger of the old stallion, Fool’s Gold sighed, shaking his head.

“Aren’t you one too? All beggars are criminals on the road of life, desperately looking for alms. Unfortunately, nowadays the whole act is monopolized by religion, so beggars are cast aside for the sake of properly-dressed priests who don’t smell like puke,” Gold said.

“Don’t go dragging religion into this, young’un! The readers will lynch us! Lynch us, I say!” Spare Change shouted. “And the only reason I’m smelling like puke is because you can’t hold your liquor!”

“Lynch us? Well, to be honest, I wouldn’t mind changing this pointless comedy into a surreal, mystifying thriller,” Fool’s Gold said, sounding somewhat excited. “We could become popular enough to get to the featured box!”

“Not that sort of lynch!” Spare Change retorted. “The only place we’ll end up is at the bottom of the ocean!”

“… What are ya doin’, Boss?”

The argument of the two stallions was cut off by the arrival of a very annoyed Short Fuse. She was carrying a plastic bag in her mouth filled with what seemed like bargain bin ice cream. It seemed that either she had spent all her money on some cheap luxury, or that she had simply raided the kiosk nearby. If you ask my opinion, the latter option was far more probable, considering her personality.

“An’ who asked your opinion, ya damn Narrator!?”

“It’s protection ice cream.” Ambra peeked from behind Short Fuse’s back. “We collected it.”

“No it ain’t! We bought it fair ‘n square!” Short Fuse roared. “Don’t try ta make me inta a horrible character, ya featherbrain!”

Once again, Ambra got a swat to the head as a prize for her unwanted commentary.

“Ah, delinquent mare,” Fool’s Gold said. “I’m helping this annoying old geezer to get his lunch money so that he goes bother somepony else. Could you help? You have skills in shaking bits out of the nerdy foals at school, right?”

“Just what sorta mare do ya think I am!?”

“Will you young’uns just shut up already?” Spare Change groaned and glared at the trio. “I’m seriously trying to earn my living here. If you aren’t going to properly help, just get lost. I’ll do it myself.”

“No you don’t.” Fool’s Gold sighed. “If we let you be here you’ll be here till Chapter 50, and readers are starting to think you’re going to be a recurring character.”

“What?! I’m not going to be a recurring character!?” Spare Change asked in shock.

“Shaddap, both of you,” Short Fuse said. “We ain’t gettin’ anywhere if ya just continue like this, so just leave this ta me, an’ go munch on these, will ya?”

Having said that, Short Fuse threw the bag of ice cream to Fool’s Gold. He took it with a sour face, but judging from the annoyed expression on the mare’s face, he knew better than to start arguing about it. Thus, with a deflated sigh, he sat to the side of the road, leaning his back to the building. Spare Change mimicked him, and soon the two stallions were staring at the mare and the gryphon.

“Young’un, do you think that filly can do it?” Spare Change asked, putting his hoof into the plastic bag. “Isn’t she just some roughneck from De Wallen Street?”

“Oh, if only she were. She’s something far worse than that…” Fool’s Gold crushed the geezer’s leg inside the bag with his hooves without even looking at it. “You see, that mare…”

At that exact same time, something strange was happening on the street. Short Fuse had taken an awkward pose that was supposed to pronounce her behind, but it just made her look like she was constipated. It did not help that the way she puckered her lips made her face look like that of a duck. In other words, for that moment, she had a fake beak that even left that of Ambra in shame.

Fool’s Gold grew horrified as he saw this scene.

“…She thinks she’s sexy!”

A shocked silence fell upon the street as Short Fuse had finished her preparations. She tried to give a seductive smile, only for it to turn into a demonic sneer as she approached a younger stallion.

“Hey there, good-lookin’. Ya wanna help out a mare in a mess?” Short Fuse cooed. “Ya see, I kinda need some money, an’—“

That was as far as she got. With an expression that said the stallion was afraid for his life, he fled into the alleys of Yoshiwara Street, screaming like a little filly. What was left behind were Ambra who simply looked confused, Fool’s Gold who looked absolutely terrified, and the broken remains of Short Fuse’s pride.

“T-that filly, such a fearsome appearance…” Spare Change could barely believe his eyes. “Just who is she!?”

“She’s the one they call the Ogre Filly of the Royal Guard, Short Fuse,” Fool’s Gold answered. “As strong as an ogre, and twice as bad at seduction!”

“Truly fearsome.” Spare Change said, with newfound awe.

“This ain’t something ya should be awed ‘bout!” Short Fuse shouted in tears. “I’m tryin’! I’m honestly tryin’ ‘ere!”

“Oh. That looks fun,” Ambra said while picking her nostril. “Let me try.”

Having said that, and before anypony could stop her, Ambra mimicked awkwardly the pose that Short Fuse had shown earlier. She twisted her body, brought up her rear, and tried to pucker her lips (which she lacked, so she only looked like she was about to throw up). Ambra even spread her red wings like she was trying some sort of odd mating dance. Then, with all the clumsiness the whole deal brought with it, she wobbled over to the nearest stallion, who looked ready to cry in fear.

“Hey there. Good… Good looking one?” Ambra greeted the stallion.

“Why are ya posin’ it like a question!?” Short Fuse shouted from the sidelines. “It’s the same as just straight up insultin’ him!”

“Want to help? I’m in a mess,” Ambra continued. “Money. Give it to—“

That was as far as she got. With an expression that said something in her stomach had just violently disagreed with the pose she had taken, Ambra fell to the ground. Her eyes had whited out and she was convulsing with the remains of half-digested ice cream pouring from her open beak. Not only that, but her wings were stuck fully extended, meaning she stuck out of the ground like an embarrassing Hearth’s Warming Eve’s decoration that both your neighbors and your family wanted you to get rid of.

All in all, she was a sight that sent the rest of the stallions in the nearby vicinity fleeing, all of them screaming like they were being chased by Hasbro’s legal team.

“What did I tell ya ‘bout eatin’ so much ice cream, ya featherbrain!?” Fuse roared and swatted the unconscious gryphon on the head. “Of course ya gonna get sick if ya try ta pull off Rob Liefeld poses after that!”

As the tragicomedy of two idiots trying to be seductive continued, both Spare Change and Fool’s Gold decided to ignore it. The gold-maned stallion stumped his cigarette and gave another sigh, trying to ease the pounding on his head. His hangover was far from over, and the shouting and hollering nearby was not doing it any favors. Spare Change, on the other hoof, looked like he just wanted the whole nightmare to end.

“What are you even doing here anyways, geezer?” Fool’s Gold finally asked. “I’m sure you could earn better money if you moved to the streets of Canterlot proper. Here in Shangri-La you’ll only find poor beings and idiots, just like you see.”

“I could ask you the same, young’un,” Spare Change said and chuckled. “You don’t exactly look like a local. Judging by your mane and your weapon, I’d say you’re—“

“Hm, enough about me. I’m here just because they don’t sell IDW’s comic outside of Shangri-La,” Fool’s Gold answered with a smirk. “I know that the clerk at the comic store keeps telling me I’m too old to read it, but I can’t help it. Rarity’s such a wonderful mare. I want to keep up to date about how she’s doing.”

“Rarity? Is she even a main character?” Spare Change asked, earning a glare from Fool’s Gold.

“Don’t go insulting Rarity in my presence. Main characters should be both beautiful and ambitious! But not to the point of growing wings!”

“Well, whatever. I guess all stallions go through a Rarity phase at some point,” Spare Change said and shrugged. “Well, anyways, if you’re that interested, I’ll tell you, young’un. You see, I used to be pretty well-off before. I had a beautiful wife and a bunch of foals who are now doing well on their own chosen paths. One teaches a class in the royal academy, one plays a fiddle to adoring crowds, and one has her own flower shop. And even if I’m old, I was quite good at singing. I had gigs lined up all over Canterlot. But life ain’t that easy, you know? Bad things began happening at places where I was supposed to perform. The last straw came few weeks ago, when the Host Club I had a gig in was destroyed by some hooligans.”

Fool’s Gold heard a lightning strike somewhere in the distance. As much as he tried, he could not reveal that it had been him that had completely wrecked the Host Club and exposed their money counterfeiting service, mostly because he was afraid that the old geezer would strangle him then and there if he revealed it.

“Now I’m just scraping by,” Spare Change said and sighed. “My wife left me, and my foals don’t even acknowledge my existence. I moved from being a background pony into being part of the background itself. No matter how much I want to be noticed, I’m like a still image of the previous season, not even worthy of speculation by the fandom.”

“And so you descended into poverty and life on these streets. Yeah, I can see that,” Fool’s Gold said.

He then gave Spare Change a stern look.

“What I can’t see is your wife and foals abandoning you like that. They’re still ponies, aren’t they? Even with some hardships like that, they ain’t going to leave you on your own,” he said accusingly. “It was not their choice to leave you. You did it by yourself, didn’t you? You distanced yourself from your family so they wouldn’t be disgraced by your bad luck.”

Spare Change let out a solemn chuckle and nodded. After that single gesture of confession, all of his poise seemed to disappear, and he slumped against the ground, allowing his ears to flop. Now, looking more tired than ever before, he was just like all the other raggedy bums of Shangri-La, mixing into the scenery of the dirty district perfectly.

“You got me there, young’un. I’m nothing more than a coward. I didn’t want my sweetheart and my foals to suffer because of me, so I fled into the night. And I feel like it was the right thing to do. I may be cursed by bad luck like the rest of this district, but at least I won’t affect those who still have a chance for a happy life, like my family. I can’t trust myself to be able to support them like I have before, so, it was time for me to go,” Spare Change said.

To his surprise, his words earned him an annoyed kick by the front leg of Fool’s Gold. The stallion had stood up, and was now lighting another cigarette which he brought to his lips. Shaking his head, Fool’s Gold flashed a grin to the older stallion before looking up towards the skies, where the golden sun and the white clouds were putting on their best performance.

“Just what are you saying? This town isn’t down on its luck. We still have the blessed sun of Princess Celestia, don’t we?” Fool’s Gold asked. “We still have the brilliant night skies of Princess Luna, don’t we? So saying that we’re any less loved by this world is just rubbish. We might be hidden, we might be weird, or we might be outcasts, but we still have this town, and this sky. As long as they exist, I refuse to believe that we have any less luck than those living anywhere else.”

Then, with a smile on his face, Fool’s Gold turned to look at where both Short Fuse and Ambra were still arguing. Or at least the former was arguing; the gryphon simply listened with a tepid expression on her face, clearly letting Fuse’s words pass through one ear to the other. In fact, Ambra seemed far more occupied with following a yellow butterfly that had taken interest in her red feathers.

“Oi! You two!” Fool’s Gold shouted. “Playtime’s over! We’ve got a job here.”

Both Fuse and Ambra turned to look at the stallion with confused expressions. A similar one was now also plastered over Spare Change’s face.

“Job? Whaddya mean, Boss?” Short Fuse asked.

Fool’s Gold chuckled and sucked his cigarette before blowing out the smoke through his teeth.

“What else?” He asked. “We’re going to play band managers!”

****

Pony Music Headquarters, the tallest building in the western district of Canterlot. A gleaming office made out of marble, and home to many of the greatest musical minds of Equestria. It was on the seventh floor of this building, overlooking most of the district and with a great view of the palace itself, that the office of Bridle Upstain was located.

Bridle Upstain was the mastermind behind such stars as DJ PON-3 and Octavia, and he was known for his generosity and kindness as well as for his young age. Having risen to fame after taking in the famous band ‘The Hoof Beats’, Bridle Upstain was now the hottest name in the music industry.

… And that was why he was wondering how these three bumbling idiots had gotten past all the security, and now sat on the couch in his office.

“So, just who in the wide, wide world of Equestria are you supposed to be?” Bridle Upstain asked, eyeing the trio suspiciously.

The two ponies and one gryphon were dressed in the most ridiculous clothes that Bridle had ever seen. They had black suits with white shirts and slim ties. If only it had ended there. With the addition of large black sunglasses and fedoras, they went instantly from respectable to ridiculous.

“Oh, we didn’t introduce ourselves?” The stallion with the golden mane asked with an odd, nasally voice.

“No you didn’t!” Bridle retorted. “You just barged in here and sat down there like you owned the place! Now start explaining or I’ll call security!”

“No need to get so impatient, Mr. Asstain—“

“It’s Upstain!”

“Upstain. Well, as you probably heard, we’re managers, both for bands and solo artists,” the stallion continued. “I’m Pewter Grand.”

“An’ I’m Alba Grossmare,” continued the blue mare on the left side of the stallion. “Ta the stars!”

Bridle didn’t even want to comment on how ridiculous the catchphrase was.

“Me? I’m Dandy. Dandy Fields,” the gryphon concluded. “I guess?”

“And together we’re, as you might have realized…” The stallion announced, standing up on the couch, barely balancing himself on his hind hooves. “…the famous trio of managers from Manehattan: The Blues Siblings!”

“Siblings!? You’re not even the same race, idiots!” Bridle shouted. “And that’s clearly plagiarism! Next you’re probably telling me you’re on a mission to save some orphanage you grew up in!?”

This seemed to shock the stallion.

“So you’ve heard of us, then!?”

“As if, you idiot!”

As most of you readers have guessed at this point, with their amazing tenacity and through the power of transition, our three main characters have made their way to the office of the #1 music corporation in Equestria and are now in the process of annoying the glue out of their star manager. All this was for the sake of a washed-up old hobo who had previously been a somewhat talented singer, yet lost it all due to the terrible fate known as ‘plot convenience’.

On a side note, Spare Change was currently waiting outside in the corridor, hiding under a cardboard box and trying to decide whether or not he should simply leave and let the trio be thrown in jail, as they most likely would be.

“Well, it’s not that important.” Fool’s Gold smirked and brought his cigarette to his lips. “We’re here to talk to you about a chance. A golden chance that would ensure your place as the immortal star of Equestria’s music history.”

“If I got a bit every time I heard somepony say that, I’d be swimming in money right now,” Bridle said and sighed.

“But ya are swimmin’ in money, ain’cha?” Short Fuse tilted her head, causing the manager to have a conveniently-timed coughing fit.

“T-that’s not important!” Bridle hurried to assure. “But even so, I can’t spare any time for some new musician. I’m right now in the process of promoting Pony Music’s newest star, who is going to woo the populace in an unheard-of manner.”

“Hooh? And who is this star?” Fool’s Gold asked. “I’m sure that our star could outdo that wannabe completely. Our star is a professional singer whose voice can make grown stallions weep. It’s like dressing up in tight, blue spandex. You’ll believe a stallion can cry!”

“I’d cry too if I had to wear such an outfit! Especially if I was written into a shameful story by John Byrne!” Bridle retorted, hitting his desk with his hoof. “Besides, we’re a fanfic, you know? Nopony is interested in singers! You can have as many lyrics as you want, nopony is going to bother reading them! They’ll just be distracting and look bad for pre-readers! We’ll never get to the big leagues! That’s why instrumental music is the way to go!”

Fool’s Gold snorted, giving a bit of a mocking shrug.

“As if we’d ever get into those big leagues. This sort of crude humor story stays forever where it is, at the bottom with countless other stories. It’s the same story with instrumental music. It might be nice to listen to, but nopony is going to remember it the next day, just like everypony forgets when they went to toilet yesterday,” he said.

Bridle Upstain grinned challengingly at this open provocation. Putting his hoof to his mouth, he let out a sharp whistle, momentarily breaking all laws of physics as ponies and their brethren have a bad habit of doing. He turned to look at the door leading to the corridor with expectant eyes.

“Did you hear that, new pony?” Bridle half shouted. “They’re doubting your skills!”

With far more force than was required, the door of the office was slammed open, scaring the wits out of everypony inside. As the dust thrown into the air by the sudden wind started to descend, a threatening figure entered the office. It was a pony, dressed in most curious clothes. The pony glanced around the room before eventually fixing her gaze onto the trio on the couch. She flicked her hat with her hoof before striding towards them, a fierce look in her eyes.

The trio found themselves speechless in the presence of the yellow mare.

“Let me introduce you to our newest star!” Bridle Upstain said, cackling. “She is the current Number One artist in all Equestria, the mare who created the instrumental hit song ‘Raze this Bar’, a new legend amongst the folk artists of this land…”

The pony stopped right in front of the trio, who were now very thankful that their sunglasses hid just how scared they were.

“…Fiddlesticks!”

And so, this tall earth pony mare leaned closer to the trio… only to offer her hoof and give them a peaceful smile.

“Mighty nice to meet’cha!” Fiddlesticks said. “Like he said, the name’s Fiddlesticks! Ah’m a newbie when it comes to music, but I hope y’all will be patient with me as I try to learn the ropes.”

The atmosphere in the room was not unlike that of a deflated whoopee cushion.

“T-that’s it?” Fool’s Gold asked, his eyes now resembling those of a dead fish. “With that introduction, I was ready for an appearance of our first antagonist character. I even thought that this chapter would go to be a two-parter. But really? This is all? A slightly tall country pony?”

“E-erm, that is, I mean…” Bridle muttered. “I think I kind of… got caught in the moment myself…”

“Oh, ya don’t hafta worry ‘bout me, mister!” Fiddlesticks said while shaking Gold’s hoof vigorously. “Ah ain’t a villain or anything like that. Mah pops told me to always walk the honest path, and though he ain’t here, I’m stickin’ to mah beliefs.”

“Well, ain’t that a good way ‘a livin’.” Short Fuse gave a friendly nod to the mare. “Ya don’t seem like a bad pony, in any case.”

“Yeah. Pops was an inspiration to me,” Fiddlesticks said and flashed a proud smile. “He might’ve been plagued by bad luck his whole life, but he never refused to back down!”

“Bad luck?” Fool’s Gold asked. “And you said your father’s gone?”

As he eyed Fiddlesticks up and down, Gold became more convinced that his initial assumption had been correct. The more he listened to the mare’s accent, the more he started seeing a slight resemblance to something else he had heard that day. And the way Fiddlesticks carried herself was rather familiar too. But the most conclusive evidence was that annoying country song stuck in his head, and how the voice of its singer was suspiciously close to the voice of a certain geezer he had met. The conclusion was obvious. He had made just the right decision.

Fool’s Gold shivered as he could finally breathe out in relief.

“That’s right. Pops up and disappeared few weeks ago. Dunno what happened to him, but I trust he’s doin’ his very best even today,” Fiddlesticks answered.

Silence fell to the room after the mare’s words. Both Ambra and Short Fuse had come to the same conclusion that Fool’s Gold had previously, or, at least the latter had. Ambra’s face was as emotionless as ever, so it was hard to tell with the gryphon. She could have just as well been replaying her favorite Tetris match in her mind and the effect would have been the same.

The only one who hadn’t realized what was going on was Bridle Upstain, and he was too occupied with his shameful behavior from before to even care about that. Eventually, Fool’s Gold broke the silence with a sigh. He scratched his mane with his hoof, before opening his mouth.

“Well, there you go, geezer. You heard the filly. She’s still believing in you, even though you’re a good-for-nothing father who just up and disappears when things go bad, so shouldn’t you show same trust to your family?”

Confusion spread to the face of Fiddlesticks as she heard what the stallion had said. For a moment, nothing moved in the room. Then, a quiet scuffling from the doorway drew everypony’s attention. There, they could see a large cardboard box trying to make its way through the doorway, only to give up after an intense struggle. The box was discarded slowly, revealing the old stallion hiding underneath it.

Spare Change, with a solemn expression on his face, straightened his back and faced the stare of his shocked daughter.

“Figures you’d set me up for something like this, young’un,” Spare Change muttered. “You seemed a bit too smart for your own good.”

“P-Pops?” Fiddlesticks asked, barely believing what was happening.

“Well, I guess I had to. To see a father stubborn enough to actually go underground just so that his supposed bad luck wouldn’t infect his daughter who is just making it big…” Fool’s Gold grinned. “I guess it didn’t just sit right with me.”

“Yeah. I can believe that,” Spare Change answered. “Such stubborn fathers should be thrown in the streets and be forced to beg for their lunch. And, then… I guess they’d have to come back, to fix the mess they caused. A coward may be a coward, but there’s one good thing about that. Cowards can always learn to face their fears.”

Having said that, Spare Change turned to look at Fiddlesticks, who was now completely speechless. Fool’s Gold took this as a sign, and stood up, heading out towards the door. He only stopped for a moment to catch Bridle Upstain and drag along. Unlike his companions, the manager had no idea what was going on, and was thus unable to read the mood properly.

As the group was leaving through the door, Fool’s Gold threw a one last glance at the father and daughter, who had been, at last, reunited.

“Those who know they can eventually face their fears aren’t cowards, geezer.” The tone of the stallion was surprisingly sad. “Those are the ones we actually call brave.”

And with that, the group left, leaving Spare Change and Fiddlesticks alone in the office.

“I might have mucked about for a long time,” the old stallion said. “But I think I finally know what I have to do. It doesn’t matter if I failed at what I tried to do. What matters now is that I support your dreams. And I can’t do that if I hide from you or my family.”

“Yeah. Ya were bein’ mighty silly, pops.” Tears were gathering to Fiddlesticks eyes. “But Ah think we can forgive ya.”

“You have no idea how happy that makes me.”

****

Sometime later, Fool’s Gold was once again suffering from a hangover. He lay sprawled on the sofa, staring at the screen of the old television in the corner of Gold Standard. Short Fuse was sitting on the other sofa, eyeballing at the stallion with a disapproving expression. Ambra, on the other hoof, was sleeping in her personal basket that had been prepared for her many weeks ago. The corner area where the basket lay was the territory of the gryphon.

Suddenly, Fool’s Gold let out a sort chuckle.

“What’s so funny, Boss?” Fuse asked, arching an eyebrow. “Ya ain’t usually so cheerful when sufferin’ from the previous night.”

“Oh, I just saw something funny in the TV,” Gold answered. “I guess they really try to cater to all tastes in music these days.”

“Meaning?” Ambra asked, opening her left eye.

“It seems that the latest craze is this father-daughter duo,” Gold said and pointed at the television. “They’re playing folk, of all styles. I just don’t understand how this world works. Bring back the rockabilly and hard rock.”

The only answer Short Fuse and Ambra gave to the stallion were knowing smiles. They didn’t want to talk over the musical performance that was being broadcasted on the television, and simply enjoyed the music.

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 4: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. While Minuette was still staring at the ending credits, Twinkleshine was intently listening to music with her iPod. It took Minuette a while to realize this, and when she did, she jabbed her friend in the ribs.

“Hey, pay some attention!” Minuette said. “I learned something very important stuff about art from this chapter.”

Twinkleshine sighed and took out her earbuds. She turned to look at her friend with a very doubtful look on her face.

“Important? And what would that be?” Twinkleshine asked.

“It was something that applies even to this story,” Minuette answered. “You know, no matter how bad some piece of art is, at least it’s got one good thing about it.”

“What’s that?”

“It ends!” Minuette concluded.

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Chapter 5: Use your monkey wrench for monkey business only!

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 5
Use your monkey wrench for monkey business only!

An unusually relaxed silence reigned in the office of Gold Standard as Maccha entered it. It was midday, and since the hostess club hadn't opened yet, she found herself with a surprising amount of free time. Therefore, she had decided to help her friends by cleaning their office.

The reason was also because Empress had told her the whole office stunk like a combination of skunk and roadkill. This narrator, though, would say it was closer to the unwashed sweater of Mr. Rogers.

“Excuse me, Mr. Gold? Short Fuse? Ambra?” Maccha softly called out as she opened the sliding door. “Are you in?”

The only response she got was silence. The Neighponese style office bathed in the soft light from outside, but since it was lacking in furniture, the light simply emphasized how bare it was. With only Fool’s Gold’s desk and chair and the few sofas, it wasn’t much to look at.

Maccha didn’t blame the owners, though. They barely had the money to pay their rent.

“Well, I guess I’ll start by myself, then.” Maccha giggled to herself as she put down the mop and the bucket of water she had been carrying.

To her surprise, the loud clonk of the metal bucket was met with an annoyed groan that came from a sofa facing the door. Curiously, she trotted over and peeked over the sofa’s edge.

There, sprawled on the sofa and drooling on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue he had been reading, was Fool’s Gold, who was fast asleep with a stupid smile on his face.

In other words, being a disgrace to protagonists everywhere.

“Haha, such a helpless stallion,” Maccha said and smiled gently. “He’s like a foal who fell asleep on a warm Sunday afternoon.”

Erm, Maccha? Foals wouldn’t usually be openly reading such magazines. Their mothers would probably dropkick them through the window if they did. This narrator was dropkicked, at least.

“Well, I’ll let him sleep,” Maccha said and took the magazine, carefully wiping the drool off of it. “I guess I should take out the trash first, to not wake him up.”

Having said that, Maccha unceremoniously threw the magazine into the trashcan lying nearby.

Noooo! The Swimsuit Issue!

“Throw that into the combustible trash and your ass will follow after it, Maccha,” Fool’s Gold suddenly spoke out. “Spitfire’s in that number, so I suggest you don’t try to get rid of it. Your mane will be fierier than hers or my loins after Empress’ precision-kick when I tried to hit on her.”

“Ahahaha,” Maccha let out a deflated laugh. “So getting in the way of your questionable fun is the only way to get your attention? I am sadly unsurprised, but I thought you were a Rarity fan?”

“Of course! Rarity is the best pony!” Gold grunted. “But a stallion can have many favorites. Like a favorite model, a favorite sportsmare, a favorite hostess, a favorite news-anchor—“

“In other words: a harem? Wow, how despicable, Mr. Gold,” Maccha commented without even looking at the stallion. “We’ll lose the last of our readers if you go that route.”

“Sorry, I was being stupid,” Fool’s Gold hurried to say.

Maccha tried to maintain her deadpan expression, but couldn't help but giggle at the strange exchange between them. She walked over to the bucket and took the mop between her teeth before sticking it in the water. Humming to herself, she began cleaning, her joyful presence filling the bare and somewhat cold office with some much needed warmth.

So a few minutes passed in silence, with only the shining sun outside and the lilting sound of Maccha’s song breaking it.

“So, where are Ambra and Fuse?” Maccha finally asked. “I thought they lived here at the office.”

“Those two? Oh, they’re on an errand,” Gold answered, having closed his eyes. “I promised myself I’d take a nap today, so I had them do the shopping for today. It’s not like we have any jobs, anyways.”

“Shopping? For what?” Maccha tilted her head.

“You know, for the usual. Food, beer, toilet paper, oh and the newest issue of the official comic,” Fool’s Gold answered. “I didn’t have the time to pick it up myself. I heard the New Nightmare Moon arc is going to start, so I’m looking forward to it.”

“Wow, the comic?” Maccha asked. “Isn’t that hard to find? Are you sure they’ll be able to find it?”

Fool’s Gold chuckled.

“Oh come on, what could go wrong?”

****

“We’re so screwed.”

Short Fuse stared at the shelf they had been searching for in horror. She and Ambra were currently on the other end of the Yoshiwara Street, in an Almond Comic Distributors store. As they had been looking for the newest issue of Fool’s Gold’s favorite comic, it had seemed like the logical place to go. However, a problem had arisen when they had finally found the place. It seemed to be out of that particular comic.

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” the mare behind the counter said. “The official IDW comics are all out. I’d suggest that you’d look in some other store, but I know they’re all out, too. Don’t bother trying.”

“But why!? Ain’t it pretty darn strange that the specific comic is all gone!?” Short Fuse asked. “Ya’d hafta find a pretty obsessed fan ta buy them all!”

“No can do,” Ambra said and sighed. “Alternative. Let’s get him something else. From this shelf.”

The young gryphon moved sternly towards the shady corner of the comic store. Rows and rows of comics with titles that would make de Lancie blush had been shelved there, out of the view of the normal customers. However, this was Shangri-La District and this narrator finds it kind of inane to hide that sort of comics in a place with street-names like this.

In any event, Ambra was moving towards the shady corner faster than King of Pop on an escalator only to be stopped by the hoof of Short Fuse. The mare gave her a stern glare before dragging her away from the corner.

“Don’t’cha even think ‘bout it! No matter how much ‘a pervert Boss is, we ain’t gettin’ him an R-18 comic!” Short Fuse said. “We’re a Teen-rated fic!”

Ambra clicked her tongue in annoyance.

“Stick-in-the-mud.”

“It ain’t ‘bout that!” Short Fuse retorted. “Plus you’re a kid! I can’t let ya near such stuff!”

With a tired sigh, Fuse let go of the gryphon and turned to look at the comic store’s owner. The mare had a mane as red as wine and a coat as green as a watermelon. She was a Neighponese immigrant named Suikawari, and just as her name implied, her Cutie Mark was a split watermelon. For some odd reason or another, she was also in business of selling comics.

This narrator thinks that her story would be much more interesting than that of the two idiots who can’t even find a comic for a stallion who is far too old to be reading them.

“Don’t go suddenly changin’ the direction ‘a the story!” Short Fuse shouted. “We ain’t even ten chapters in! Ya gotta give us anoddah chance!”

“Don’t worry, I ain’t interested in taking a leading role in a story full of degenerates like this,” Suikawari said and snorted. She took a drag from the cigarette she was holding, shaking some of the ash to the ashtray. “So just carry on with today’s chapter.”

“Whazzat!? Ya just pitied us! Ya totally pitied us! How pitiful do we hafta be if we’re bein’ pitied by a side-character!? Want me ta split your head like a melon!?”

Short Fuse was ready to blow her fuse, which would leave her with just Short. ‘Short’ is truly pitiful name for a character who is supposed to be strong, so let’s not antagonize her any further.

“I’ll kill ya! I’ll kill ya, ya &%£@$§% Narrator!”

And so, four chapters since the first time, Short Fuse completely lost it.

“Well, the gist of the story is that the comic can’t be found anywhere in Canterlot,” Suikawari said and sighed. “I talked to some of my colleagues earlier and it seems even Canterlot Library is out.“

As the blue mare raged around the shop, destroying everything in sight with her bare hooves, Ambra and Suikawari had started discussing the sudden lack of the comics. The wrinkles on the store owner’s face showed that even she was worried about the situation.

“Why?” Ambra asked and tilted her head. “Holo-foil cover?”

“That would have just dropped the sales,” Suikawari grunted. “No, it seems that somepony is going around stealing every single issue that has been delivered. Who knows about the reason? Even though I hid a few boxes, they were gone when I woke up in the morning.”

“Strange,” Ambra said. “A thief? Usually it’s just underwear. Why comics?”

“Oi. Underwear thief is not a common thing. Especially amongst ponies,” Suikawari retorted and took a drag from her cigarette. “Get your head checked, you birdbrain.”

“Don’t call me birdbrain,” Ambra answered. “Want me to split your head open? Like a watermelon?”

“That joke is getting old,” Suikawari said and frowned. “Make a reference to popular culture next.”

“Ugh…” Short Fuse had finally calmed down and now looked worse than Fool’s Gold during a hangover. “S-so, what? We hafta find ‘em blokes who stole all the comics? Ya got any leads?”

As a result of the delinquent mare’s rampage, most of the comic store was now in ruins. The shelves had been flipped over and there were huge grooves in the walls here and there. In short, it was not unlike if a small, non-talkative dinosaur with an alternative costume that’s a turtle shell had been let loose in the shop. In fact, the comics featuring said small dinosaur had been ripped to shred, as if to deprive the reader any better literature than this story.

Suikawari took a drag from her cigarette before stumping it in the ashtray. She leaned on her front hoof, giving the two a tired expression.

“You really want to find that comic for Gold? By Celestia, you’re just as idiotic as he is, huh?” Suikawari said. “He’s a big colt already. He should give up on comics. What I don’t get is why he even bothers with such trash. With his education, Gold should be reading the high-level stuff they have at the royal library. You know, the stuff that requires you to be level 80.”

“Huh?” Short Fuse and Ambra asked in perfect synch, tilting their heads.

“Never mind.” Suikawari sighed. “Anyways, clues? Well, there’s one, I guess, though I don’t know about it…”

“Just hurry up ‘n say it,” Short Fuse groaned.

“Lean closer, then,” the store owner said. “It’s not something that outsiders should see.”

The two did as told and curiously leaned closer to the mare.

“A bit closer.” Suikawari motioned them forward.

Ambra and Fuse stretched their necks over the counter.

“Just a teensy bit closer,” Suikawari said.

Now the two were already feeling a bit sick, having stretched so far they started looking like nightmarish versions of Stretch Armstrong.

“Good. This is the clue.” Suikawari nodded.

The store owner then proceeded to stick a big piece of dung straight into the faces of the two. The reaction was as could be expected.

In a span of few seconds, many things happened: First, Short Fuse retreated to the opposite wall in what seemed like a sped-up moonwalk. Second, Ambra fell to the ground on the spot, her eyes completely white. Third, because of the sudden reaction and flailing legs of Short Fuse, the turd flew in a beautiful arc out the door, landing straight on the head of a stallion passing by.

And yes, this narrator can confirm that said stallion was a certain wisecolt known as Joey.

“Whazzat!? Ya got some sick sense ‘a humor, ya idiot!” Short Fuse shouted, holding her muzzle. “Where did ya even keep that turd!? Under the table? It was under the table, right!?”

Meanwhile, a small amount of froth was seeping from Ambra’s half-open beak. Though she seemed all but dead, her thoughts were racing at alarming speed.

At the hoof of mare.
The dung leaps into my face.
A deep deep disgust.
— Ambra

“Why did ya hafta use a haiku!? Ya are makin’ less ‘n less sense every chapter!” Short Fuse shouted, glaring at the gryphon on the floor.

“Well, that’s about it,” Suikawari sighed and watched the wisps of smoke that lingered above the ashtray.

“Don’t ya ‘that’s ‘bout it’ me! Ya didn’t explain squat!” Fuse retorted, turning her attention to the mare. “Ya hafta give us some context! Why is a turd the only clue we have!?”

“Beats me. For some reason they’ve been found all over Yoshiwara Street recently, mostly in comic stores. These stores are the same exact stores that were carrying a copy of the newest issue, so the cases could be connected,” Suikawari answered. “But what connects dung to a comic is beyond me. Well, except the quality, of course.”

“Stop with that sort ‘a talk. Andy will be out ta get our heads if he hear that,” Fuse pleaded. “Not ta mention this whole store is anoddah can ‘a C&D ready ta explode.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Suikawari said. “As long as we’re fanfic, we’ll be fine.”

“No we won't!” Fuse retorted.

Despite Short Fuse’s attempts at digging up any other clues they could use in their hunt for the missing comic, the duo came up empty-hooved. Suikawari seemed to have talked enough for the day, and was more inclined to read the latest issue of the comic adaption of Daring Do’s adventures than to talk with Fuse. Thus, with heavy hearts, both Fuse and Ambra exited the comic store into the streets of Shangri-La.

Well, at least Fuse was heavy-hearted. In Ambra’s case it was her usual heavy sleep deprivation.

As was often the case in the middle of the week, there wasn’t much going on on Yoshiwara Street. Other than the few occasional locals, courtesans heading to work or members of the yakuza walking around hunting for easy prey, there weren’t many ponies out on the streets. It didn’t help that the spring sun was shining down with such magnitude that it made one wonder if somepony had recorded over Princess Celestia’s old VHS of the third season of Power Rangers.

… Crap. Now this narrator wants to watch Power Rangers instead of narrating this story.

“Focus. Or we’ll replace you. With Kyle Hebert,” Ambra said and gave the sky a meaningful look.

N-next time, on All that Glitters is Gold!

“But by Celestia… ain’t there anything we could do?” Short Fuse said. “If we show up without that comic, we’ll hafta find anoddah job as a side-note of some tumblr.”

The thought made both Short Fuse and Ambra shudder and they hurried down the street. Their legs moved faster, while their eyes darted around with absolutely ludicrous speed, going over every nook and cranny of Yoshiwara Street they came across. Whether it was a dumpster filled with garbage or a dumpster filled with an old drunkard, the searching eyes of the duo did not leave anything unanalyzed.

It was thanks to that perseverance that they both saw the form of a pony dressed in a pinstripe suit, with remnants of turd dangling from his fedora, shouting at the rooftops.

“Oi, ya bastard! Give it back! That was the precious copy I was delivering to Capofamiglia! Don’t ya dare to steal that comic!” The wisecolt kept yelling, waving his hoof towards the sky.

Needless to say, this colt was none other than One Ear – better known as Joey.

“… What’s that colt doin’?” Fuse tilted her head. Her confusion was understandable. After all, the way Joey was acting made him seem more awkward than a certain alicorn princess in a dance-off.

“Ya damn thief! I already had a piece of turd dumped on my head! Why did ya have to add to that with another one!? Is there some sort of quota when it comes to turds on this street!? ‘You must be this covered in dung to enter Yoshiwara Street.’ Is that it? Is that it!?” Joey continued his tirade. “I didn’t even want to come here! I just needed the comic!”

That was the magic word. When they heard that last sentence, both Short Fuse and Ambra turned their eyes towards his direction in a way similar to how sharks turn their attention to bikini-clad mares in movies. Their eyes flashed red, and in perfect unison they began galloping towards One Ear, raising a huge cloud of dust in their wake.

When he heard the noise, One Ear looked back with a relieved expression.

“Ya came to help me? It was about damn time! We need to get that comic back from that thieving—“

Joey was unable to say anything else - that tends to happen when four hooves, two claws and two paws slam right into one’s face. Using the stallion’s muzzle as a spring board, the duo launched themselves high into the air, straight to the rooftops.

“Stop that thief. Stop that thief. Stop that thief…” Ambra kept mumbling under her breath.

“What’re we!? Shortedly and Birdley in Their Not-So-Flying Machines!?” Fuse asked, grunting as her hooves hit the tiles of the roof.

When the two gazed around the rooftops of Yoshiwara Street, they found themselves face-to-face with a world they had never seen before. The endless thatched rooftops covered in dark green tiles, larger pagoda-style buildings rising from the sea of smaller houses like lighthouses, and large neon signs devoid of any color… when it was all put under the golden shine of the sun and the wide expanse of the sky, the extending vastness before the two felt both alien and somewhat nostalgic.

However, neither of the idiots cared for such sensations. They were too busy staring at the escaping form of the thief in the distance.

“There! After ‘em, Ambra!” Short Fuse shouted.

Eight legs hit the roof tiles and both the mare and the gryphon dashed after the shadowy figure of the thief.

Rooftops zoomed past the two as they chased the thief, jumping from one roof to next. Fuse was grinding her teeth together and her eyes were fixed on the escaping figure, while Ambra looked like she had just accidentally gotten on a treadmill. The gryphon’s eyes were half-closed, and she mechanically kept putting one leg before other, mimicking Fuse’s movements in a half-assed way.

“What’s with ya!? Look alive! Ya can’t expect ta catch the thief lookin’ like expired milk!” Fuse shouted at Ambra.

“This. Just logic,” Ambra answered. “No reward, so no enthusiasm.”

Fuse groaned at the gryphon’s attitude. If Ambra had just bothered to use her wings, she could have circled above the thief and forced him into a trap. As the two ran forward, the mare wracked her brain, trying to come up with a way to ignite the fires of passion in the gryphon’s heart. It took her a minute or two, but eventually she came up with an idea.

Someone with as lazy an attitude as Ambra could only be enthusiastic about one thing.

“Think ‘bout it, birdbrain!” Fuse shouted as they jumped from one rooftop to another. “If we help Boss, he’ll be glad! An’ if he’s glad, he’ll buy ya more empty VHS cassettes! Which means ya can record those episodes ‘a Thundercats ya miss!”

What followed those words was nothing short of a small explosion. A small part of the roof was destroyed as two wings beat the air with enormous force, creating a gale that nearly threw Fuse off the roof. The blue mare watched in horror as a gryphon-shaped missile shot forward with incredible speed, drawing a line of destruction across the rooftops because of her low-altitude flight.

In other words, Ambra had become a supersonic jet for a ridiculously stupid reason.

“Thundercats, hoooooo!”

The shout of the gryphon echoed across the rooftops of Yoshiwara Street as Ambra collided with the thief. So great was her speed that she swept the thief off the roof with a single punch. The two collided into a nearby building, crashing through one wall and exiting through the opposite one, making the top of the building come crashing down. While they were suspended in the air, Ambra caught hold of one of the thief’s legs, pulled back a claw, and delivered a guillotine-like strike straight into his stomach that sent the thief barreling down to the street.

“Hoooooo!” Ambra shouted, victoriously.

“’Hoooooo!’, my ass! Don’t shout like a hero while causin’ huge amounts ‘a collateral damage!” Fuse roared, following the two down to street-level.

When Fuse finally got to the site of the catastrophe it was already too late. Ambra was sitting on the side of the street, picking her nose and looking like the energy she had previously exhibited had disappeared as fast as the popularity of a boyband. Her victim, meanwhile, was laid on the ground in a sizeable crater, twitching helplessly. As the clouds of dust and rubble started to settle down, Fuse was relieved to find that the commotion had caused the ponies on the street to run away, rather than gather to look.

“This is…” Fuse muttered, her eyes widening at the sight of the thief.

The moment Short Fuse saw what the thief truly was, she thanked all the gods she could think of for the fact that nopony else was there to see the scene.

In the crater lay a monkey; more specifically, a golden snub-nosed monkey. It was a creature little over half a meter tall with blazing, golden fur. While the hair around its head was short and coarse, the lower one looked the longer the fur was. It had stubby fingers, a Mohawk-like crest of hair on top of its head, and a blue face that was in direct contrast to the color of its fur. Two button-like eyes were swirling in its head as the animal tried to recover from the surprise attack.

“A monkey!? It’s a monkey!?” Fuse shouted, pointing at the creature. “Ya didn’t hafta make the title ‘a the chapter so literal! That’s just pathetic!”

Hey, don’t blame me. I am simply narrating this idiotic stuff.

“The clue was a turd. It was this monkey’s,” Ambra said and sighed. “Elementary, dear Watson. Even monkeys fall from trees… after all.”

“Don’t try ta make it sound like ya got it figured out.” Fuse threw a glare at the gryphon. “I’ll punch ya.”

As the two quarreled, the monkey started to wake up from its short coma. It was still clutching the comic it had stolen, like it was its most precious treasure. When the monkey saw that the two who had attacked it were preoccupied with arguing, it slowly started crawling out of the crater. In the manner of a certain one-eyed espionage agent, it made its way towards the freedom that was so close by. In its eyes, it saw the chance of escape slowly growing like the Gates of Heaven opening before it. A grin slowly spread to the monkey’s face and it hastened its pace, crawling towards the back-alley where it could hide.

However, the Gates of Heaven soon became those of Hell, as a claw and a hoof struck it down and held the small monkey in place with crushing force.

“Where do ya think you’re goin’?” Fuse asked, glaring at the monkey like an Austrian cyborg from the future. “Ya hafta be pretty stupid if ya think we’ll let ya go now.”

“Stupid as California,” Ambra added with a similar expression.

The monkey screamed like a little girl at the sight of the two Terminators.

“Hmh? Isn’t that Mr. Monkey?”

A sudden, small voice caught the attention of both the duo and the monkey. It came from one of the side-streets. There, a group of small foals were looking at the scene with confusion in their eyes. However, when they realized that the monkey was really there, they broke into beaming smiles and ran up to the primate.

“Mr. Monkey! You’re here again, yay! Did you bring us new comics?” a green filly asked with pleading eyes.

“I’m sorry, we tried to get you some bananas, Mr. Monkey, but the store owner caught us,” a slightly older-looking colt said with apologetic smile. “We got away but lost the bananas.”

“Yay! Yay! Mr. Monkey!” A group of very young fillies kept squealing as they surrounded the monkey, frolicking around it in an odd way.

“W-whats goin’ on?” Fuse asked, looking around in confusion. They were now completely surrounded by dirty foals in ragged clothes. It was like a gathering of the local street orphans.

“Hmh? Oh, are you two friends of Mr. Monkey, too?” the colt asked. “Mr. Monkey is our hero. He always brings us enough comics for everypony. We wouldn’t be able to afford them on our own, but Mr. Monkey always makes sure none of us is without one, and distributes them to all the orphans in Canterlot.”

Both Short Fuse and Ambra looked at the monkey with shock in their eyes. The primate chuckled a bit, wiggled its eyebrows and let out an “Ook!” that sounded somewhat victorious. Seeing that smile, the two released the monkey and stepped back, allowing the creature to rise up. It got on all-fours, dusted off the comic book, before handing it over to one of the fillies close to it. The filly’s eyes were sparkling as she took the comic, and all of the foals surrounded her in excitement.

“So, ya mean… the monkey was stealin’ the comics ‘cuz these orphans couldn’t afford ones on their own?” Fuse asked, looking like she could barely believe her own words. “Not for itself, but for the orphans…”

The previously steely eyes of the mare softened considerably as she watched the unfolding scene. The small foals in their tattered clothing gathered in one big ring. Some of them had already dug up their own copies of the magazines. Some had pages missing, other were wet and soggy, but still the foals squeezed them tightly, as if they never wanted to let go. The new one given to the small filly was the center of attention, however. After all, none of the pages were missing or unreadable.

Short Fuse chuckled at the excitement of the foals before looking at the monkey.

“So, ya were like a Robin Hoof, huh? Who’d have thunk?” She said and chuckled. “Still, I can kinda see why a lone monkey woulda risked its freedom for a sight like this.”

“Ook!” The monkey answered, flashing a toothy grin to the mare.

Short Fuse turned to look at Ambra next. The young gryphon was staring at the group of kids with a strange, unreadable expression. They were not far from her age, and Short Fuse knew that seeing such a tight group of friends must’ve made Ambra think. After all, she had not made a single friend of her own age during her time in Shangri-La. Ambra glanced at the golden monkey beside her, before looking back at the group of foals.

“You wanted to… make them happy? Make them glad? Strange.” Ambra tilted her head. “Comics. Are they… so magical?”

“Ook!” The monkey exclaimed, and patted the gryphon’s shoulder. Ambra turned to look at it once more and raised her claw, as if to reach for the gentle hand of the primate.

“You…” Ambra said. “Aren’t you…”

“Ook?” Monkey tilted its head, the happy smile still plastered on its face.

At this point, many things happened at once. First, Ambra’s raised claw was clenched into a fist. Second, said fist was swung down like a hammer. Third, the face of the monkey changed from joy to utter confusion, before being promptly introduced once more to the ground. Fourth, Short Fuse’s face turned into an expression of pure shock as she watched Ambra beat up the monkey in front of all the foals.

In short, Ambra had used her ridiculous strength to attack the monkey once more for no discernible reason. Now, she towered above the pummeled primate like some sort of god of death, orange eyes blazing. It was a look that would have sent this narrator running out of the room screaming if it was ever directed against him.

“Fool!” Ambra roared with a voice louder than she had ever shown before. “Comics aren’t food! Comics aren’t warm! Comics are trash! Kids… cannot live on comics!”

Every single creature on the street was now staring at Ambra with a mask of utter horror on their faces. It felt like the small gryphon had grown to the size of an Ursa Major.

“You. You desire to help kids.” Ambra pointed at the monkey. “Make money. Lots of money. The only way.”

The eyes of the gryphon were nearly burning a hole into the head of the monkey.

“Money. Makes. World. Go. Round.” Ambra drilled this sentence into the monkey’s ears, emphasizing each and every word.

A silence descended upon the alley with all eyes staring at the gryphon who looked more like she was from a post-apocalyptic world of a year 199X than from the land of colorful equines. Even Short Fuse found the change in Ambra’s aura extremely confusing and a bit scary. The monkey’s well-meaning but pointless way of helping the orphans seemed to have flipped a rather dangerous switch in the gryphon, and now the results were bared for all to see.

“M-Miss Gryphon…” One of the fillies finally piped up. “A-are you the Supreme Ruler of the Century’s End?”

“No,” Ambra bluntly answered. “Simple. I hate idiots. Idiots avoid proper jobs. They don’t get it. The value of a job.”

So that’s what this is ‘bout. Short Fuse sighed. It’s ‘cuz she’s been fired from so many jobs, she knows their worth. She doesn’t wanna see foals grow up thinkin’ thievery is okay.

“Think. Shoplifting isn’t good. It’s not for kids,” Ambra told the monkey. “You want to help orphans? Show them your spine. Show them your guts. Get a job. Be proud. Stand tall. Lead them out of poverty. With your own hooves.”

I-It’s just like Boss! Fuse thought with a shocked face. It’s like a miniature version of Boss!

“It may be hard. It may be painful. But stand up from the dirt. Show them your strength,” Ambra continued. “So they’ll follow your example.”

Once the gryphon had finished her speech, the confused silence was replaced by one of reverence and awe, radiating from both the monkey and the foals. The primate lying on the ground was staring up at Ambra with eyes that especially screamed of adoration and respect. It was like watching a simple peasant meeting his queen for the first time. If the monkey would have been able to speak, it was clear what he would have called Ambra right then and there.

Gōng zhǔ – Princess.

“I guess Boss’s influence is startin’ ta rub on her,” Fuse said and chuckled. “But I still wonder ‘bout one thing…”

And that would be?

“Why would the monkey speak Chinese?” Fuse wondered.

… Good question.

****

As the door of Gold Standard opened, Fool’s Gold raised his head from the couch. He was still reading his magazine, probably for the fourth time. Meanwhile, Maccha had finished cleaning the office and was nowhere to be seen. Only the sparkling floors and the absence of dust on the tables acted as a testimony that she had ever been there.

“Hmh? What took you guys so long?” Fool’s Gold asked. Then, after doing a double-take, continued. “...and what is that golden, hairy thing behind you?”

“This?” Ambra asked, looking at the monkey walking beside her. “A new member. For our team. Wants a proper job.”

“There ya have it, Boss.” Short Fuse nodded and grinned. “We would’a come sooner, but we got involved in somethin’ strange. An’ we found a new member for Gold Standard in the process.”

Fool’s Gold gave a long and confused stare at the monkey, who returned it with similar one. It was almost as if two beings on the same mental level had met for the first time. Finally, Gold sighed and turned his eyes back to Ambra.

“Does that thing even have a name?” Gold asked.

“Of course,” Ambra nodded. “Hideyoshi.”

“Don’t try ta be cheeky!” Short Fuse retorted.

“Then Tyler,” Ambra tried again.

“Now you’re just bein’ mean!”

“Rastapopoulos.”

“Wrong type ‘a monkey!” Fuse said.

The argument between the two was cut short by groan from Fool’s Gold. He leaned back on the sofa and grunted as he settled on the pillows.

“Just forget it. I don’t even care about its name anymore. It’s just one primate. One monkey in Equestria can’t cause too much trouble,” Gold said. “So, sure, whatever, he can stay. More importantly: did you bring my comic? I’ve been dying of anticipation here.”

Hearing the words of their employer, Ambra put her claw into their shopping bag surprisingly quickly and fished out a familiar comic. It was the much-sought new issue of the comic book. Showing a rare hint of a smile, the gryphon tossed the magazine over to Fool’s Gold, who caught it easily from the air.

As the stallion opened the comic book and started reading, the trio in the doorway entered inside. Ambra wanted to introduce the monkey to the office already and Fuse knew they had to get the bargain bin ice cream into the fridge quickly. It might have still been spring, but it was already quite warm outside.

Because of their hurry, neither Fuse nor Ambra expected the sudden question posed by Fool’s Gold.

“Hey, you two. Why does this comic book smell like monkey’s dung?”

Like in a film that was being rewound, Ambra, Short Fuse, and the monkey retraced their steps hastily. In just few seconds they were at the doorway, through it, and out in the streets. Before Gold could even react, the door of the office was slammed shut, and the trio dashed down the street to escape the fallout of what had just happened.

Behind them, a yell echoed from the office.

“What the hell!? This thing is completely smeared in monkey sh—“

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 5: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Both of them were staring at the screen with somewhat bored expressions, until Minuette snickered and nudged Twinkleshine with her hoof.

“Why are you laughing?” Twinkleshine asked with a frown. “It was bad like always!”

“What do you mean?” Minuette asked and grinned. “Today’s show was just as it should have been.”

“What do you mean?” Twinkleshine tilted her head.

“Finally they had a proper reason to go completely bananas!” Minuette answered.

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Chapter 6: The way to a wrestler's heart is under his loincloth.

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 6
The way to a wrestler’s heart is under his loincloth.

Yoshiwara Kokugikan, also known Daigongen Arena! The greatest indoor sporting arena of Canterlot, located in the heart of the Shangri-La District, dedicated fully to the glorious sport of sumo wrestling! Its massive wooden walls dominated the great commercial centrum of the otherwise poor district, like an ancient diamond covered in the history of the immigrants. The pyramid-shaped roof was like the humble, balding head of the former shogun Neighpon after whom it had been named, and the many nobori flags surrounding it advertising the various wrestlers were like the unfashionable briefs worn by the same shogun.

Inside that beautiful building dedicated to the most beautiful of all sports, a group of four creatures listened earnestly the to the lecture given by a the instructor of a very famous sumo stable. This pony, a former yokozuna himself, was known by the name of Kingdom. He was a huge stallion, easily doing his name justice, with his dark mane put up in a chonmage.

“Understand?” Kingdom questioned the four with a booming voice. “Your job is to make sure that our current champion, Hawk Beak, will be as relaxed as possible before the match starts! That includes a healthy snack, a massage, his specially prepared sports drink, a hoof-bath, a manicure, preparation of his loincloth, another massage, tightening of his chonmage…”

As the lesson continued in the locker room, the freelancers were focused on jotting down notes. Their eyes, like those of dead fish, were filled with pride and honor as they were now a part of this most noblest of sports. Indeed, these creatures are our protagonists, the Gold Standard “We do everything!” freelancer team. Finally their efforts had paid off and they had moved up in the world!

Fool’s Gold leaned towards Ambra and levitated his notebook in front of her, showing what he had written down.

“Look, look. I drew Short Fuse,” Gold whispered to the gryphon and snickered. In his notebook was a crudely drawn picture of a fire-breathing earth pony with a permanent scowl.

“Less is more,” Ambra whispered back, showing her own drawing. “Look”.

In Ambra’s notebook, there was a picture of an explosion with profanities scattering around it.

“Hey! Take this seriously, ya idiots!” Short Fuse roared, smacking both the gryphon and the unicorn. “We finally got a well-payin’ job, and now ya don’t even bother ta show interest in it!”

She’s right! You should be hanged for ridiculing such a glorious sport as sumo wrestling!

“Just shut up, two of you,” Fool’s Gold groaned, rubbing his forehead. “Especially you, narrator. What fun is there in watching two overweight ponies sweat and struggle in a ring that’s far too small for them?”

S-such insolence! I should quit this job right now!

“Just face the facts, will you?” Gold said. “Look, even the monkey is showing zero interest in this ridiculous sport. That should tell you enough about it.”

The unicorn pointed at the other end of the bench they were sitting on. There, curled up in a large, furry ball, was Hideyoshi. The monkey was fast asleep, snoring like there was no tomorrow. He even had a large string of drool hanging from his mouth.

“If a monkey doesn’t care about it, neither do I,” Fool’s Gold concluded. “I’m only here because I need more money, and fast. A new casino opened just recently, and I was thinking of hitting it b—“

The rest of Gold’s words were cut off as a huge belly collided with his head, sending him hurling straight at the back wall. The stallion hit the wall head-first and ended up embedded into it like a shameful Nightmare Night decoration.

“Somehow, this feels familiar…” Fool’s Gold mumbled, his voice barely audible.

“You idiots! Show some respect! This sacred sport is the pride and joy of us Neighponese! If you’re planning on living here on Yoshiwara Street, you had better learn to appreciate sumo wrestling!” Kingdom roared, causing both Ambra and Short Fuse to flinch back. “If you fools screw up this job, I’ll be sure to inform about it to la famiglia! They’ve invested a lot in today’s match, so our stable cannot afford to lose!”

“U-understood,” Short Fuse hurried to calm down the stallion. “Ya can count on us! We’re the best freelancers in the business, so don’cha worry ‘bout tonight. We’ll be as good as your regular employees, I tell ya.”

“You better be.” Kingdom snorted. “Of all the days for all of them to fall ill, it had to be today. Well, it can’t be helped. I’ll trust you to take care of Hawk Beak. I need to go oversee the preparations for the match now, so I’ll see you after the match. If you do a good job, you’ll be paid well. If not…”

Kingdom made a very clear cutting motion across his throat.

As the colossal stallion left the locker room, the freelancer team began preparations for the arrival of the current champion, Hawk Beak. Short Fuse began gathering the warm towels, while Ambra headed to the side room where the wrestlers’ lunches were kept. Hideyoshi, on the other hand, started the difficult tasl of yanking Fool’s Gold out of the wall; a task which the monkey just barely accomplished.

“I guess there’s no avoiding it. Let’s just get this silliness over with, and quickly,” Fool’s Gold said while nursing his bleeding head. “The faster we’re out of this place, the faster the narrator stops declaring his love of a sport featuring sweaty stallions huffing and puffing like they were big bad wolves.”

Hey! I have to put up with the idiocy of you four every chapter! Give me a break!

“I agree,” Short Fuse said, having finished with the towels. “But we still hafta do our best, ya know? It’s our first job in weeks.”

“I know, I know,” Gold answered. “We need that money, especially me. That new casino sounds simply wondrous, so I have to check it out with Wordwise.”

“If ya think that, ya got anoddah thing comin’,” Fuse growled and gave quite the glare to her boss. “That money ain’t for ya to squander like ya please. It’s for our rent!”

“Right…” Fool’s Gold backed down a bit when he saw the menacing stare of the mare. “W-what do you say we go get that massage table? I think the trainer said it was in the storage.”

“Sure,” Short fuse answered and nodded. She then turned towards the open door of the side room. “Ambra? Can ya handle things here while we go ta fetch the massage table?”

“Sure. Hideyoshi will help,” Ambra shouted from the other room.

Gold and Fuse left the locker rooms and headed into the maze-like corridors that sprawled under the arena proper. Above them, through the ceiling, they could hear the constant chatter, whistling and excited hollering of the masses that had come to see the day’s match. Curious creatures as they were, ponies were excited to see a sumo-match of such a grand scale, like every creature should be. It was too bad that the duo entering the storage did not share their enthusiasm.

“I swear, if I have to hear one more quip about how great sumo wrestling is, I’m gonna hurl,” Fool’s Gold grunted. His eyes scanned the storage room until they fell on the massage table tucked in the corner.

“Stop grumblin’ an’ help me with this,” Short Fuse said as she started pulling the table out. “Don’cha know lookin’ a gift horse in the mouth is bad for ya?”

“That’s slavery, oi,” Gold answered. “Don’t go joking ‘bout things that’ll get us into trouble.”

The two ponies started moving the massive massage table out of the storage room and into the corridor. Seeing as it had been made to sumo wrestlers, it was a colossal thing with wheels, meant for only the finest of athletes. For them, it was like Valhalla: a place of rest for glorious heroes of modern times!

“Don’t make it sound something so glorious,” Fool’s Gold said with an annoyed look. “Rather than Valhalla, this is the last pit-stop before the fiery end for those athletes: a place where they lie motionlessly and in despair until they are forced into the hell known as B-grade foals’ movies just to make the ends meet.”

Nopony wants to hear such depressing facts!

After battling with the rusting wheels of the massage table for a while, the two ponies were finally able to drag it back to the locker rooms. Short Fuse kicked the door open and, after a minor struggle with the doorway, they rolled it inside, setting next to the lockers in a wide space reserved for it. Both Fuse and Gold wiped sweat from their foreheads and gave sighs of relief. It had been a more demanding task than they had anticipated, but having done it, they were that much closer to the paycheck.

“Well, with that out of the way, the only thing we need is the champion himself,” Gold said and turned around. “Just what’s keeping that pony… any… way…”

His words slowly died on his lips as he began to take in the scene before him. Short Fuse frowned at the sudden silence of her boss and turned around too, only to freeze in a similar manner. Expressions of pure shock and terror began to climb on their faces as the situation in the locker room dawned upon them. Gold even started making unintelligible noises, as if his attempts of a retort had been prevented by the stupefying effect of the sight before him.

“Ah. Gold. Fuse. You came back,” Ambra said nonchalantly while her claws kept working. “The wrestler came. I started working.”

As if to answer that, the sickly-green and convulsing pony on the ground groaned painfully and reached out to the duo with his hoof.

“Just what did ya do, ya birdbrain!?”

The horrified shout of Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold resonated like a gong-like echo inside the locker room.

“I fed him. Hemlock sandwiches,” Ambra answered. “That’s what you ordered.”

“They’re poisonous ta ponies, ya idiot!” Fuse roared. “Are ya tryin’ ta kill the champion!?”

The originally midnight-blue sumo wrestler lying on the ground made another pained attempt at getting up, but was only able to writhe pathetically. Foam formed around his mouth and his magnificent, blue chonmage came undone, revealing the embarrassingly prominent bald spot on top of his head. Giving one more gurgling cry, he went limp against the floor, becoming completely motionless.

“Oii! The champion’s completely limp! He’s more limp than his own ‘champion’ after a scandalous affair with a fan!” Gold shouted. “Quick! We need to flush his stomach! Give him something to drink, fast!”

“Here. Sports-drink.” Ambra produced a bottle of a strangely-colored liquid from behind her, and offered it to the stallion. “I made it. It’s a powdered drink mix.”

“Give it here!” Gold grunted and opened the bottle before jamming it into Hawk Beak’s mouth. “Come back to us, champion!”

Unfortunately, contrary to the hopes of Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse, the drink did not ease the pain of Hawk Beak. Instead, his face went completely white, and another cloud of foam poured from his mouth. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, and the sumo wrestler began twitching as the color of his coat changed from dark blue into sickly purple.

“What’s with this drink!?” Gold roared in panic. “What was in it!?”

“Like I said, a powdered drink mix,” Ambra answered and pointed to the corner of the locker room, where there stood a small, suspicious box of white powder. “I mixed it. From that.”

“That’s the salt for the shikiri! It’s what they use for the ceremony before the bout, you idiot!” Gold shouted and swatted Ambra on the head. “Not only is the champion poisoned, now he’s plastered, too!?”

“Stop shoutin’ ‘n start thinkin’!” Fuse joined the chaos. “We need ta fix this! First off, we need ta stop the champion from convulsin’ ‘n dyin’ on the floor!”

“Oh, we can fix that,” Ambra calmly answered and looked at the monkey near her. “Hideyoshi. Fix it.”

“Ook!”

Unceremoniously, the golden monkey grabbed Hawk Beak by his hind hooves and lifted him up in the air, dangling the champion like a yo-yo. The primate then scanned the locker room, searching for a specific spot with its eyes. Finally it found a hatch on the wall. It briskly walked over to it, still dragging the sumo wrestler, and opened the hatch, revealing a long chute that led downwards.

“Wait, what are you doing you stupid primate? Don’t even think of—“

“Ook!”

Gold’s words were mercilessly cut as Hideyoshi shouted energetically and raised Hawk Beak above his head. The monkey then rammed the large pony into the chute with a tremendous force, half-burying him into it. Both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold watched in horror as the rear of the current sumo champion stuck out of the wall in a rather disgraceful manner.

“Stop it!” Fuse shouted. “The champion’s not gonna fit! An’ why are ya stickin’ him in ta the trash-chute, anyways!?”

“That’s right,” Ambra nodded, looking troubled. “He’s too big. He needs a bigger push.”

The gryphon calmly drew her fist back and aimed it at the rear of Hawk Beak. Despite the horrified screams of Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse, Ambra then launched a brutal punch to her target, utilizing all of her ridiculous strength. The metal siding of the trash-chute groaned as it bent. It eventually gave away and the current champion of the Equestria Sumo Kyokai was sent barreling down the chute. The following silence was broken only by the occasional sound of Hawk Beak hitting something on his long, long way down to the basement.

Fuse and Gold were unable to even scream anymore. The expression of helplessness and terror plastered on their faces seemed to be etched for eternity.

“All good,” Ambra triumphantly stated, and gave the duo thumbs-up.

Her only answer was a chilling silence, followed by Short Fuse grasping her by the head and shaking violently.

“No it ain’t!” The mare retorted. “Do ya have any idea what that monkey just did!? If Kingdom finds out, we’ll be dead meat, ya know!? Go fetch Hawk Beak, quick!”

“But…” Ambra tried to argue back, but she was immediately petrified by Short Fuse’s glare, one that rivaled that of a certain yellow pegasus with much calmer disposition.

“No. Buts.” Short Fuse’s voice was now nothing but a low growl. “Go.”

Never had Fool’s Gold seen a gryphon move so fast at such a low altitude.

“And ya! Monkey!” Short Fuse turned at Hideyoshi after Ambra’s hasty exit. “Why did ya stick him in ta the trash-chute!? Ya damn #¤&@§-brained primate! What was the point!?”

Hideyoshi only shrugged nonchalantly in response, as if it hadn’t been its problem. It would have looked much cooler, however, if Short Fuse hadn’t roundhouse-kicked him out of the door immediately afterwards.

“Go check the ring! That way ya can’t do any more damage, idiot!”

Only few seconds later, a brown and smelly projectile flew from the door through which Hideyoshi had disappeared. It hit Short Fuse squarely in the face, causing her to stumble backwards. An alarmingly awkward atmosphere fell into the locker room, during which Fool’s Gold could only watch as the situation spiraled from disastrous into catastrophic. It was as if that single room had, for a moment, transformed into the chaos capital of the world.

“That… that…” Short Fuse seemed to be momentarily stunned by the smelly projectile that had hit her.

It took for full ten seconds for the mare to recover, and when she did, it sounded like a small nuclear explosion had gone off in the locker rooms. This narrator has decided that, in the interest of good taste, to omit the next fifteen lines of dialogue from Short Fuse. It is also to prevent breaching the acceptable limits of a Teen-rated story. This narrator apologizes.

So, after an outburst that left Fool’s Gold looking as if he had heard the innermost secrets of Tartarus…

“C-calm down, delinquent mare,” Gold said and patted Fuse on the back. The mare was heaving and her bloodshot eyes were focused on the floor. “We can still fix this. When Ambra brings the champion back, we’ll have a way out of this. It doesn’t matter if he’s conscious or not. As long as he makes it to the ring, nopony can prove we were involved with this in any way!”

“You’re soundin’ a bit desperate, Boss,” Fuse grunted, wiping the sweat off her forehead. “But I got ya. We don’t hafta get paid, we just hafta get outta this alive. So we just need the champion, gotcha.”

“Speaking of whom… where is that birdbrain?” Gold asked, looking worriedly at the door leading to the corridor. “She should be back by now…”

Just as the golden-maned pony said this, they both heard a pair of claws scratching against the cold, hard floor of the corridor. This sound was accompanied by not only by the fluttering of wings, but by the sound of hooves clicking against the same floor. The sounds got closer and closer until the knob of the door turned, and the door slowly swung open.

“Good job, Ambra! Now, bring that half-dead champion here quickly, so we can mask his sickness somehow,” Gold hurried the gryphon. “Afterwards, let’s get out of—“

“Hmh? Dost thou mean that We are to have our own, personal seats so close to the ring?” A booming, powerful voice cut off Gold’s words. “T’was most fortunate for Us to have met thee, Miss Ambra. We were afraid that We hath completely lost Our way in this large building.”

“It’s alright. Best seats, here,” Ambra answered. “You get to see everything. All up-close.”

“We art satisfied. Please, doth must alloweth Us to reward thee in some way, after the bout,” the booming voice answered just before the door swung open completely, and two creatures stepped into the locker rooms.

Just like the champion, the pony with Ambra had a midnight-blue coat. Her blue mane was also vaguely of the same color as that of Hawk Beak. What the champion did not have was the horn that jutted out of the pony’s head. Nor did he have the pair of magnificent wings, or the moon-shaped Cutie Mark adorning the mare’s flank. In fact, other than the slightly similar color-scheme, the tall mare walking besides Ambra looked nothing like the rotund sumo champion the gryphon had poisoned earlier.

Pri… Pri… Fool’s Gold was unable to comprehend the sight before him, and was reduced to repeating the same syllable in his mind. Pri… Pri…

But who could blame Fool’s Gold? He had all the right to look like his world had come to an end in an abrupt and absurd manner. In fact, something like that had pretty much happened. After all, there, in the doorway, standing besides Ambra and radiating a royal aura that seemed to fill the room to the brim, was…

Princess Luna!? Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse screamed in their minds.

The Ruler of the Night, the Lady of Dreams and the former tyrant called Nightmare Moon, had descended amongst the commoners, and somehow found her way into one rundown, smelly locker room.

“What is the Princess doing here!?” Fool’s Gold whispered furiously to Fuse. “This doesn’t make any sense!?”

“That idiot!” Fuse answered in an equally fervent whisper. “Ambra probably thought we could use the Princess instead ‘a Hawk Beak! Ya gotta be kiddin’ me!”

“We can’t do that!” Gold said. “First of all, the Princess would have to be incredibly ignorant to even enter the ring, let alone compete!”

“But do tell me, Miss Ambra…” Princess Luna suddenly spoke up. “Where art the seats? We do not see them anywhere.”

“Oh. They’re in the ring,” Ambra stated. “Best seats.”

“Dost thou mean We are able to watch the bout from the ring itself? How marvelous!” Princess Luna boomed. “We truly hath made the right decision when partaking in this foreign sport!”

She’s more than incredibly ignorant! Gold and Fuse screamed internally, in perfect unison. That’s 1,000 years in the moon for you!

While the Princess was busy looking around the locker room, Fuse and Gold moved quickly to Ambra, grasping the gryphon by the shoulders and shaking her violently. Ambra was less than bothered than this and simply kept picking her nose like it was a common occurrence in her bizarre life, since it pretty much was.

“What do ya think you’re doin’!? Now we’re goin’ ta get killed, either by the mafia or by the royalty! Ya damn birdbrain, ‘a all the ponies why did ya have to drag the Princess in here!?” Short Fuse whispered furiously.

“It’s alright. Perfect substitute,” Ambra calmly answered. “We’re safe.”

“How are we safe!?” Gold retorted. “You can’t hide the fact our wrestler is a bona fide alicorn, not some sweaty Neighponese immigrant! She doesn’t even have the right body shape! She’s missing about three hundred kilos! If she had partaken more keenly of the local cakes we might be able to do it, but because she has been keeping on her diet, we’re outta luck! Damn you, royal health plan!”

“That’s got nothin’ ta do with this!” Fuse retorted. “Don’t go blamin’ the Princess for takin’ care ‘a her figure! We need ta figure a way outta this!”

Suddenly, Ambra patted both of the ponies on their heads.

“Calm down,” the gryphon said. “I have a plan.”

“… A plan?” Fuse and Gold asked.

Ambra gave a small, confident smile and put her talon behind her. From there, she pulled out something that looked suspiciously like a big, dark blue garbage bag. The ponies stared at it in confusion while Ambra continued to look like she had found the perfect answer to all of their problems.

“Eh?” Gold uttered.

****

“From myself and every one of us here in the shoutbox, we'd love to thank you all for joining us at the 14th annual Equestria Sumo Kyokai, but don't even think about leaving just yet, because here comes the moment you've all been waiting for, the championship match! It is beauuutiful day for a fight! Tensions are running high here in Daigongen Arena! I am your commentator for the day, Gutter Ridge, bringing you up to speed with the highly-anticipated match between the greatest yokozuna in all of Equestria!” The shrill voice of the commentator blasted from the loudspeakers, destroying all kind of dignity this fabled sport would have had in its homeland. However, the uncultured ponies of Canterlot did not seem to mind this and simply cheered.

If only this narrator had been there in the commentators’ box, instead of Gutter Ridge…

“The challenger is none other than Starbow North, here all the way from Neighpon! Making his first appearance in the ring when he was only fifteen years old, now this gargantuan stallion aims for the very top! To win the championship tournament of Equestria!” Gutter Ridge continued to holler. “He’ll be going against his toughest opponent yet, but we shall see how he handles these odds!”

The main hall of the Daigongen Arena was immense in size and most of it had been taken up by the seats of the audience. A veritable sea of ponies had filled these seats to the brim. In the center of the hall was the ring, dohyou, only about four meters in diameter. Above it hung the additional roof that resembled those of Neighponese temples, with colorful tassels suspended from each corner. Spotlights had been aimed at this relatively small ring, showing the referees and attendants who had already taken their place.

Another spotlight was lit, one aimed straight at a stallion advancing down a ramp towards the ring. The stallion was the challenger for the Equestrian title, the sumo prodigy known as Starbow North. His pearl-white coat, grey mane and confident stride evoked the image of a pony with royal blood flowing in his veins. Confidently, this aristocratic sumo wrestler took his place on the other side of the ring.

“Aaaaand his challenger is none other than Equestria’s current champion, Hawk Beak! With an unbroken record of victories and nearly zero losses, it would be a surprise for him to lose today!” Gutter Ridge bellowed. “Shall this be an easy victory for Hawk Beak, or will he finally meet his match?”

A single spotlight lit up, and aimed itself towards the top of the other ramp. Thousands of fans turned their gazes towards the light, eager to see the gallant form of their hero and idol. Unfortunately, that was not what they saw. Instead, what greeted them was a rather awkward-looking pony with a lumpy-looking stomach who edged carefully down the ramp while trying to look confident.

Or, more accurately described, what they saw was Princess Luna wearing a plastic garbage bag, and Ambra who was clinging to the Princess inside that bag, pretending to be her stomach.

A deafening silence fell over the hall and, for a moment, one would have been able to hear a pin drop.

“I-it’s not working!” Fool’s Gold whispered to Short Fuse. “No matter how you look at it, nopony is mistaking that abomination for Hawk Beak! Just look at them, every single pony in the audience looks like they’ve been sucker-punched! Their eyes have whited out!”

Indeed, it seemed that all of the audience had adopted an identical expression as if an incredibly sour lemon had been forced down their throat.

“Ya gotta calm down, Boss!” Fuse hissed. “We just gotta play it cool, an’ we can get outta this alive! I’m sure the Princess can do it!”

“Do it!?” Gold retorted. “That idiotic royal doesn’t even realize she’s taking a part in the match! She just thinks she’s on her way to her seat!”

Princess Luna made her way down to the ring, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that the whole audience, not to mention the referee and the assistants around the ring, were staring at her like some sort swamp monster. With a calmness befitting a member of the royalty, she took her place behind the white line drawn to the ring just like Starbow North had done previously.

“This isn’t good! The referee is gonna call the match off because she’s obviously not Hawk Beak!” Fool’s Gold was now sweating bullets. “This is going to end up in tears!”

But, on the contrary…

“Ook!” The referee, or gyoji as the Neighponese called him, raised his wooden fan as a sign that the match was about to begin.

However, for Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold, that was not the most surprising development.

“What is that monkey doing as the referee!?” Gold groaned. “How did Hideyoshi end up in there!?”

“I dunno!” Fuse answered, just as flabbergasted as her boss. “I knew I ordered him ta prepare things here, but that damn primate took it too far!”

While the wrestlers started the preparation ceremonies (the Princess performing them without realizing why), the two ponies at the ringside stared in confusion as Hideyoshi, dressed in the full uniform of a sumo referee, watched over the ring. It seemed that the decision of the “referee” had dissolved the awkward atmosphere, as now the audience was chattering like normal, and even the opposing wrestler seemed to have shaken off his confusion about his opponent’s identity. It was all because of Hideyoshi, and the monkey looked surprisingly comfortable where he was now, even turning to look at the ponies at the ringside and giving them a wink. After seeing that, Fool’s Gold gave a sigh of relief.

“I think he realized we’d need additional help,” the stallion said. “Who’d have known that monkey was so clever?”

“I still haven’t forgiven him…” Fuse grumbled. She let her gaze wander around the ring, before suddenly performing a double-take at the sight of Fool’s Gold. “W-wait… Boss? What are ya wearin’?”

Instead of his usual golden Neighponese garments, Fool’s Gold was now sporting a yellow jacket, white shirt and a black beanie. At the same time, the stallion was levitating a bottle of water and a moistened towel. He was staring intently at the ring, and Fuse could not but help to think that he was in a slightly wrong place with such a get-up.

“What do you mean? I’m not Fool’s Gold anymore, I’m Gold Mill!” Gold announced with a goofy grin. “I’m here to make sure that the Princess is gonna eat lightnin’ and crap thunder, Adrian!”

“Who’s Adrian!?” Fuse retorted. “This whole thing’s already a disaster, ya don’t need ta add ta it, Boss!”

Despite Fuse’s complaints, Gold refused to switch back to his regular clothes, and before long, the match started. With the chattering, murmuring and deafening sounds of conversation that came from the audience, it was impossible for Fuse to voice her complaints towards her employer anymore, and so she was reduced to shooting an angry glare at him every now and then; in other words, rather similar to the actual whining female that Gold had mentioned.

As the attendants, with the monkey-referee in the lead, started taking their places in the ring, Princess Luna kept looking around her in mild confusion. Her “stomach” squirmed occasionally as Ambra tried to shift her position to a more comfortable one. Unfortunately it was rather hard, seeing that she was clinging to the alicorn and hanging under her belly, not to mention there was a suffocating plastic bag covering her whole body.

“P-Princess!” Gold hissed loudly enough to catch the attention of the alicorn. “Don’t fret it! This is just a normal procedure! Looks like somepony had booked the best place in the house, too, and now you have to fight him for it! Just go with the flow!”

Short Fuse smacked her head against the floor when she heard this incredibly stupid lie.

“We understand. Such a peculiar tradition, but We are more than happy to partake in it!” Princess Luna answered. “Thou were kind to bring this to Our attention.”

Having just gotten back up, Fuse fell head-first to the floor again when she heard the Princess’ reply.

The two wrestlers took their places, Princess of the Night mimicking the movements of her opponent perfectly. Or rather, as perfectly as one could when they had a fake stomach made of a gryphon and a plastic bag. Hideyoshi took his place near the edge of the ring. This got the attention of the audience as they piped down once more, and even Gutter Ridge, who had been yammering on constantly in the background, had the decency to shut up now that the actual match was about to start.

An electric tension ran in the air as Princess Luna and Starbow North squatted down, sizing each other up. While this might have looked impressive to the audience viewing it from afar, both Gold and Fuse were nervous for a completely another reason. After all, while Princess Luna might have been able to mimic her opponent’s movements, there was no guarantee that she would not be tossed out of the ring in an single instant. Neither of the ponies wanted to even think about what would happen in that case.

Hideyoshi bent his knees and eyed the Princess and Starbow North, both of whom were prepared for the match to start. The monkey drew the wooden fan up to its knees, and that single gesture seemed to bring the tension to the boiling point, both in the audience and in the ring. Short Fuse swallowed nervously, while Gold clamped his jaw down on the towel he had been holding.

The silence in the hall was almost unearthly. It was the calm before the storm, a single moment before everything would explode. Starbow North locked his eyes with Princess Luna’s, and despite her clearly not being his original opponent, he seemed to accept her as a contester for the championship title.

Too bad the only thing the Princess was contesting was the right to sit in a seat that did not even exist.

Suddenly, the silence was broken and everything erupted into a flurry of movement. Hideyoshi pulled back his wooden fan and Starbow North charged forward, both at the same time. Despite being so large, the stallion moved like greased lightning, crossing the short distance between him and the Princess in under a second. His enormous weight crashed into the alicorn, pushing her back with terrifying force.

“No! Princess!” Short Fuse roared, realizing the match was about to be over before it had even begun. “Ya gotta shift your weight down! Shift your weight down!”

“Hit with the front hooves! Slaps, not punches!” Gold shouted, gritting his teeth together. “Keep hittin’ ‘em in the ribs! Don’t let him breathe!”

“Will ya cut it out already!?” Fuse groaned and swatted her employer.

Hearing the voices of her friends, Ambra decided to act. While the Princess of the Moon had been taken completely by surprise, the gryphon had been prepared. She let go with her paws, breaking the hold of her hind-legs from the Princess. Quickly, she slammed her paws against the ground, her claws digging into the soil that made up the ring. Using all her strength, she was able to stop the furious charge of their opponent and stop them from being pushed out of the ring.

“We thank thee, Miss Ambra!” Luna bellowed to Ambra. “We were caught by surprise, but We now see what manner of competition this truly is. Alloweth us to prepare a counter-attack!”

Using her front legs, Princess Luna delivered two arching strikes towards Starbow North, forcing the stallion to retreat slightly. This took the pressure of her and Ambra, allowing a single second for a breather. The paws that had been stopping their slide backwards now applied all their force forward, making the alicorn shoot forward like a rocket. Princess Luna slammed against Starbow North in a violent fashion, now forcing the stallion back. The tables had been turned.

Seeing that there was unrealistic force behind his opponent’s charge, Starbow was forced to resort to a similar tactic to the one that the Princess had employed earlier. He raised his left front leg, ready to deliver a slap to the body of the Princess. But Fool’s Gold had anticipated this. He had seen his share of battles, and some of the same tactics could be applied to sumo wrestling. Therefore, he yelled out a single order, one he knew would bring the end of the bout.

Sumo matches rarely lasted over a minute. It had truly come the time to bring this fight to a crashing finale.

“Princess!” Fool’s Gold roared like a lion. “It’s your chance! Use a cross-counter!”

“Understood!”

With the acknowledgment of the Princess ringing in their ears, both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold watched in awe as the alicorn raised her left front hoof. The hoof gathered momentum before it came hurling forward in a magnificent strike aimed straight at her opponent’s head. It travelled along the trajectory of Starbow’s punch, blocking her enemy’s punch completely. In the end, the punch connected with the head of the stallion with a thunderous sound. The force behind the punch was enough to send the stallion flying back a couple of meters, causing the audience to roar in surprise.

And so, with a sound similar to that of a falling elder tree, Starbow North fell to the ground, having been rendered completely unconscious.

“Ook!” Hideyoshi announced, raising his wooden fan. This sign, the sign of the bout’s end, caused the audience to erupt in a cheer that seemed to shake the whole arena.

Lights flashed as hundreds and hundreds of cameras started taking pictures of the result, and thousands of hooves struck the ground rhythmically to applaud the fighters. Both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold joined in the roaring applause before embracing each other in a bear-hug. Fuse laughed in relief and squeezed with all her strength, while her boss made gurgling sounds as his spine started to creak dangerously.

This was the explosive end of a match between the current champion “Hawk Beak” and the prodigal challenger Starbow North. It was a fight that would be talked about everywhere in the months to come, one that would forever remain in the memories of those who had witnessed it. Even those who had not seen it would hear about it, and tell the tale of the showdown between the two giants.

Yes, Equestria would never forget how the acclaimed sumo wrestling champion, Hawk Beak, was disqualified in his championship match for brazenly punching his opponent straight in the head, giving him a third-degree concussion.

“Eh?” Fool’s Gold uttered, his eyes snapping wide-open in the midst of his celebration.

Yeah, tough luck, Mr. Protagonist. It seems that you shouldn’t have watched so much Joe.

****

Ten minutes after the start of the chaotic celebration in the Daigongen Arena, a group consisting of two ponies, a gryphon and a monkey could be seen sneaking out of the building. The freelance team Gold Standard had made the unanimous decision that it was the time to hightail it out of the wrestling arena before a certain rotund sumo trainer could catch them. After they had gotten a good distance away from the building itself, the group broke into a run, their golden-maned leader in the forefront.

“Screw it! I’m not going stay there and waste my life!” Fool’s Gold shouted. “I’m going to get as far away as I can!”

“But Boss! What ‘bout the mafia? If Kingdom rats ‘a us ta them, we’re dead meat!” Fuse asked. To the mare’s surprise, Ambra scoffed.

“Let them try. We can move away,” the gryphon stated.

“That doesn’t mean we have to agitate them, birdbrain!” Gold retorted.

As the quartet crossed the street that would have taken them out of the vicinity of the Daigongen Arena, they suddenly heard a booming voice that came behind them.

“Halt!” The voice ordered. “We wouldst have a word with thee, before thou leaveth.”

To the group’s surprise, the one standing not far away from them was none other than the Princess of the Night. She was still wearing the remnants of the garbage bag, through which Ambra had ripped as the situation had dawned upon her. However, contrary to the fearful expectations of the freelancers, there was a smile on the face of the alicorn; something they had not expected to see.

“’Tis a shame that We were not able to see the bout, for it seemeth to have been cancelled,” Princess Luna spoke. “However, thou alloweth Us to experience a thrilling match for the ownership of the greatest seat in the Daigongen Arena, and thus, We would like to thank thee.”

You’re still obvious to what’s going on!? Fuse and Gold shouted in their minds. That’s 1,000 years in the moon for you!

“But more than that, We wouldst like to thank thee for another reason,” Princess Luna said. “And that is the simple act of allowing Us to experience something fun. We were only expecting to be able to experience the thrill of a match watched from afar, but thanks to thee, We were able to partake in one Ourselves. T’was twice what I expected. Therefore, thou couldst say that thanks to thee, the fun truly was d—“

“No!” Fuse, Ambra and Gold shouted in unison, drowning in the last word of the Princess.

The alicorn stared at the quartet in confusion.

“Sorry, Princess, but despite who we are, we still have some dignity,” Fool’s Gold said. “Never say that line. Ever.”

“We… We see. Then we shall refrain from doing so,” Princess Luna answered, confusion clear in her eyes.

“But, ya know, Princess… ya don’t hafta thank us,” Fuse said. “I mean, this is normal ta us. These things just tend ta happen. So, if ya thank us for draggin’ ya inta our troubles, you’ll make it awkward ta us.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ambra chimed in. “Just enjoy it. That’s what we do.”

The Princess of the Moon stared at the group for a moment with wide eyes, before breaking into a small chuckle. It was such a genuine sound of amusement that it took the whole group by surprised. Before long, they joined in the laugh too, tension disappearing into the wind like it never had been there.

“Then We shall do just that,” the alicorn said. “There is still much We need to learn of the life of the common ponies, but We think that if We followed thy advice, We shall find it no trouble at all.”

“Oh, it will be troubling, if you want to mingle with us common folk, Princess,” Fool’s Gold said while lighting a cigarette. “But don’t get me wrong, that trouble is part of the whole fun. No, you could say that it is what makes up what we consider ‘normal.’ So just go with the flow and do what comes to mind.”

Gold was about to say more, but at that moment they all heard angry shouting coming from the direction of the Daigongen Arena. The stallion quickly took the cigarette to his lips, and signaled to the others it was time to go.

“Sorry, Princess, but the thing that now comes to my mind is that we need to get going. Fast,” Gold hurried to say. “See you around, Your Majesty!”

A set hasty goodbyes later the group resumed their run, galloping fast in the direction of the other end of Yoshiwara Street. On the first chance they got, they dove into a side-alley, intending to lose their pursuers in the crowded evening-streets of the Shangri-La District. But even though the group had disappeared, the Princess of the Night kept staring after them, as if she could have still seen them. The small smile on her face had not disappeared; in fact, it had widened.

“Such a life truly sounds pleasant, my little ponies,” the alicorn quietly said. “We shall have to try Our best in that regard.”

Then, as if it had been an afterthought, a small frown passed over Princess Luna’s face.

“But We must be honest. That one with the golden mane… I have seen his face somewhere before,” she mumbled.

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 6: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Both were munching on popcorn, but while Twinkleshine had still half of hers left, Minuette was nearly out. Thus, while her friend’s attention was elsewhere, the blue mare snatched a hoof-full of popcorn and stuffed them in her mouth.

“Hey!” Twinkleshine said. “Hooves off! These are mine!”

“Ease up, no harm done,” Minuette answered and sighed. “You don’t have to get so uppity.”

“But stealing is a serious crime!” Twinkleshine complained.

“If there’s one thing I thought this chapter would have taught you, it would have been the contrary,” Minuette said, frowning slightly. Her friend arched an eyebrow in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, think about it. If stealing was truly a crime, this story would be lots of trouble because of ‘royal’ties,” she answered.

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Author's Note

Nobori: A Japanese banner, usually used by warriors of ye olde times.

Chonmage: A traditional haircut of the samurai, used to hide the fact that the helmets were making the samurai bald as badly-fed pigeons.

Yokozuna: The biggest, baddest sumo-wrestlers of them all.

Names of the sumo wrestlers: While I do not want to explain or give away jokes, I think it's fair to point out here that the names seen in this chapter are based on a peculiarly wrong way to read some of the names of more famous yokozunas.

Shikiri: The part before the actual bout in sumo, where the wrestlers try to tea-bag the ground.

Equestria Sumo Kyokai: A simple twist on the name of Japan's sumo league.

Chapter 7: A picture is worth a thousand bit fine if you paint it on a public wall!

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 7
A picture is worth a thousand bit fine if you paint it on a public wall!

As the bright and pleasant rays of sun shone upon the dirty and unpleasant streets of Yoshiwara Street, a familiar sight played out before the eyes of the local residents. The cast of this pitiful play could be seen from the windows of the office of Gold Standard and the hostess club Tenjiku.

The regular protagonist, Fool’s Gold…

“Urgh, I’m gonna puke…”

…And the demon-like landlady, Phoenix Empress.

“Shaddap! Y’all owe still owe me the rent! If ya paid yer bills instead of blowin’ it off on the cheap entertainment at Patpong Street, ya wouldn’t be in sucha pitiful state!”

It was the usual brutal, one-sided verbal beatdown from the red-maned mare. Fool’s Gold, with his bloodshot eyes and slightly greenish face, could barely form a coherent retort while trying to hold back the alcohol he had drank last night; in other words a fitting punishment for a protagonist as unfitting as he is.

“S-shut up, you damn Narrator,” Fool’s Gold gurgled. “I was meeting up with an old friend last night, so you can’t start blaming me for this. I’ve got enough problems of my own…”

You have 99 problems and alcohol is at least one.

“Now y’all better get me that money, or I’ll throw ya outta that outhouse ya call an office!” Empress yelled. “And pronto!”

“You know, it’s actually an Apatos-“ Fool’s Gold stopped suddenly as his stomach protested against his bad retort, and emptied what little was left inside of it out of the window.

Not far away from this sad scene were Short Fuse and Ambra, just returning from a trip to the convenience store. The former was carrying a plastic bag full of Milo-bottles, while the latter was doing her best to drink every bottle before they got back to the office. The trail of empty plastic bottles behind them was being taken care of by Hideyoshi, who collected them into another plastic bag. In his other hand, the monkey carried an actual bag of groceries.

“Ya hafta be kiddin’ me… Why’d I hafta buy a bag ‘a Milo just so she ain’t eatin’ the groceries before we even get home!?” Fuse complained.

Because you thought that taking in a ravenous gryphon was a good idea.

“That just ain’t right,” the mare grumbled, keeping a close eye on Ambra.

While the trio continued on their way back to the office, the fight between the landlady and her tenant had escalated into an all-out war of throwing both insults and whatever random items they could get their hooves on, interrupted occasionally by an arc of vomit shooting out the window.

This narrator is not surprised that Short Fuse and company were left staring at the scene with their mouths agape.

“What?” Fool’s Gold groaned, shooting a bloodshot glare at his employees. “You haven’t seen a pony negotiate the rent before!?”

“Nah, ya bein’ the shame ‘a all protagonists everywhere ain’t nothing new,” Short Fuse cruelly shoved aside Gold’s question.

The shock was enough for Fool’s Gold to recoil and slump down to the floor.

“What’s shockin’ is... that!” Short Fuse shouted and pointed at the wall of the office.

There, smack-dab in the middle of the wall, was something that really did not belong on Yoshiwara Street. Colorful lines crisscrossed along the wooden surface, creating shapes that vaguely resembled letters. Bold shades of paint came together in a display of nonsense that tried to be both cool and hip, but only came across as tacky and pretentious. In other words, someone had painted graffiti on the office’s wall.

“What the…?” Fuse mumbled. Ambra burped after finishing the last Milo-bottle and nodded.

“Vandalism. Unforgivable,” the small gryphon stated. “I’ll erase. The culprit.”

“No ya won’t!” Fuse retorted. “Don’t go jumpin’ straight ta killin’ them!”

Short Fuse gave an angry glare towards Hideyoshi, who had started assembling something out of groceries that suspiciously resembled a railgun after Ambra’s declaration. The monkey quickly put the celery back.

“What is that even tryin’ ta spell?” Fuse asked, scrunching her face. “That ain’t proper language!”

On the wall there was a wonky-looking letter Z that seemed to have something like the udder supports used by some cows hanging from it. This strange combination was followed by the number four with a bright-green mushroom growing out of it. All of these were outlined in a magenta glow that clashed painfully with the rest of the color scheme.

“Ook!” Hideyoshi piped up, pointing at the graffiti. “Ook, uk!”

“Yeah,” Ambra said and nodded. “It’s obvious.”

“Whaddya mean it’s obvious?” Fuse demanded to know. “I know ya can’t really understand ‘dat monkey, so stop pretendin’!”

“I mean it,” Ambra answered. “The meaning. It’s clear. See? It’s a Z… followed by a bra.”

“Oh. Oh!” Fuse’s face lit up in realization. “Zee… bra. Zebra! Followed by four, as in ‘for’! Zebra for… what does that mushroom mean?”

Ambra’s expression betrayed the slightest hint of a smug smile.

“Easy,” the gryphon said and tapped her beak with her claw. “A life.”

“Oh ya hafta be kiddin’ me…” Short Fuse groaned and hit her forehead with her hoof.

I’m afraid she isn’t. That gryphon is dead serious when it comes to breaching the acceptable boundary of making references.

“So, in oddah words, it spells out: ‘Zebra for life’? That’s still clunky,” Short Fuse said. “Whoever wrote that ain’t getting’ points for grammar.”

“Y’all haven’t seen these before?” Empress suddenly asked, catching everypony’s attention. She was now smoking her pipe by the window, and her expression had softened a bit. “Them graffiti are all over the Shangri-La District these days. Some damn hooligan goes around sprayin’ them everywhere. In other words, they’re becomin’ a real pain. I even heard that mafia’s payin’ good money to anypony who catches the culprit.”

“Money… you say?”

The suddenly energized voice of Fool’s Gold echoed from inside the office. The golden-maned stallion, having recovered from the annihilation of his pride, had climbed back up to his feet and now had a greedy glint in his eyes. His mouth turned into a smirk and he fished a cigarette from the pack in his pocket before proceeding to light it. The smoke floated upwards, enveloping Gold’s face and giving him a rather devilish image.

“How much money?” Gold asked. “Enough to pay our rent?”

“I’d think so,” Empress answered and shrugged. “Ya know mafia’s jobs always pay well. And it seems that this hooligan vandalized their headquarters a few days ago. They’re really out to get him.”

“Excellent!”

Fool’s Gold picked up his clothes from the floor, threw on his haori and wrapped his scarf around his neck, then he picked up his jutte and stuck it to its small scabbard. In just few seconds, he had transformed from a pony puking his lungs out into a well-dressed warrior. All because of a single word: money.

Just how greedy is this stallion anyways…?

“A’ight! We’re off to hunt this vandal!” Fool’s Gold announced to his team. “We’ll get enough money to pay the rent, and this’ll get the mafia off our backs. Two birds with one stone! Quick, Hideyoshi! Get me my hair of the dog! We’ll be off after that!”

As he ordered, the monkey quickly snatched a tuft of fur from a nearby stray dog, stuck it into something he picked up off the ground, and flung it straight at Gold’s face. As the projectile hit him and splattered all over the room, it became apparent that it had been a monkey’s turd.

“I meant a shot of whiskey, you stupid ape!” Fool’s Gold roared, trying to wipe the feces off.

“Ook!”

****

As the freelancer-team Gold Standard once again hit the streets of Yoshiwara District, they began to realize that the graffiti problem was more widespread than they had initially thought. Everywhere, from hostess clubs to mahjong parlors, one could see countless tags and increasingly more complex pieces of art. The graffiti ranged from almost-hidden pieces to bold ones that caused everypony who saw them to frown disapprovingly. Sure, there might have been ponies that thought the graffiti as cool, but for most they were nothing more than an eyesore.

This narrator draws the line at the bright pink graffiti that had been spray-painted on the ass of a bum sleeping on the roadside.

“So, how’re we gonna find that culprit?” Short Fuse asked. “It ain’t gonna be easy ta find him, ya know.”

“On the contrary,” Fool’s Gold said and flashed a grin. “I know just the place to go.”

Having said that, Gold suddenly switched directions and headed straight for a small alley just off of the main street. He led them into the shadows of the tall buildings, to a narrow space that seemed to be a completely different dimension compared to the eastern splendor and grime of Yoshiwara Street.

No, in fact, it may as well have been another dimension.

“W-what the…!?” Short Fuse exclaimed.

Somepony had really been doing some work on the alley. The walls had been painted to resemble brick walls and dumpsters had been lined up against them along with a ridiculous amount of junk. The bricks were covered with graffiti more elaborate than anything they had seen on Yoshiwara Street proper. Even the ground of the alley had been painted a concrete-gray, as if the whole alley was trying to mimic the appearance of a Manehattan slum.

“This town never ceases ta amaze me…” Short Fuse said and sighed. “Who’d have thunk it could get even more ridiculous?”

“This is the place where all the immigrants without specified places end up in,” Fool’s Gold explained as they headed further into the alley. “These alleys run everywhere, connecting the main streets of Shangri-La. You could call them the armpits of a bum, or a seedy underbelly of a seedy underbelly. Something like that.”

“Seedy underbelly of a seedy underbelly,” Ambra mumbled. “Isn’t that… seedy nether regions?”

“Shaddap, ya birdbrained fledgling!” Fuse shouted and swatted the gryphon on the head. “You’re too young ta talk ‘bout such dirty things!”

“Quiet, both of you,” Fool’s Gold suddenly ordered. “We’re getting into their territory.”

This got the attention of everypony in the group.

“Who’s they?” Fuse asked, cocking an eyebrow. “The locals?”

“Yeah. In other words…” Gold said and pointed ahead with his hoof. “… The gangs.”

There, sitting on the dumpsters and leaning on the walls, was a bunch of ponies accompanied by creatures easily recognizable by their striped coats. Zebras and ponies, numbering nine in total, were lazing around in the alley. Some of them were smoking, some of them were drinking cheap alcohol, others were simply chatting about this and that… and all of them were listening to the strange, pounding music blasting from the boombox on top of one of the dumpsters. Stiff beats and the pounding lyrics were something foreign to both Short Fuse and Ambra… but judging how Fool’s Gold frowned, he was familiar with the genre.

Their arrival hadn’t gone unnoticed. One of the three ponies in the scene, a milky white stallion dressed up in baggy clothing, jumped down from the dumpster and walked up to them, sizing Fool’s Gold up.

“Yo yo, punk, you in a retard mood?” the pony said. “You ain’t gonna just walk through our hood!”

“What? Your hood?” Gold asked, tilting his head and staring at the hoodie the pony was wearing. “Sorry, we’re not the laundry-service. You might want to try the laundromat two blocks from here.”

“Are you tripping or sumthing?” the stallion continued, adopting a pissed off expression. “Mofo’, you talking to the hood’s king!”

“Burger King?” Fool’s Gold said in a condescending tone. “I think there are few in De Wallen Street, but you aren’t going to get the kids’ meal at that age, man.”

“You aboutta get jumped if you continue to diss!” The pony was now half-yelling. “You in da wrong place, ya better know dis!”

Even if the stallion was about to say more, he never got the chance. With a pissed-off expression, Fool’s Gold performed a beautiful uppercut to the pony’s jaw, sending him flying a couple of meters backwards. With steam blowing from his nostrils, the fuming stallion pointed at the knocked-out pony and made a rather vulgar gesture with his front legs.

“Don’t you talk shit about my piss!” Gold roared. “I haven’t got a bladder infection, no matter what you heard from that Miss!”

“Nobody cares, Boss!” Short Fuse yelled, looking ready to strangle her employer. “An’ why did ya hafta rhyme, too!?”

The situation had quickly gone from bad to worse. With one of them knocked out cold, the rest of the gang was now glaring at the group and bringing out switchblades and baseball bats. It seemed that amongst the trash, they had hidden a small arsenal. Predicting where this confrontation was heading, Short Fuse readied the dull sword on her waist and Ambra cracked her knuckles. Even Hideyoshi wiped off his stupid grin and pounded the ground few times with his fists.

However, this electric stand-off was quickly defused by a high-pitched female voice echoing from the back of the group.

“Chillax, homies, no need to be blunt,” the voice ordered. “When I’m through, these punks gonna regret their stunt.”

To the amazement of the freelancers, the group of zebras and ponies quickly made way for the owner of the voice, putting away their weapons. This enigmatic boaster made her way through the crowd, striding confidently before Fool’s Gold. Now in the light, the group could see her clearly… and they had hard time believing their eyes.

“You’re being led by a… runt?” Fool’s Gold asked, lapsing into rhyme in confusion.

Standing before them was a zebra filly, probably no older than fourteen years old. Her stripe-pattern resembled zigzagging lines of the graffiti on the walls, and her mane had been put up on dreadlocks. The filly was dressed up in a white-and-red throwback jersey with a large gold-painted chain around her neck. She was peering at Gold over cheap knock-off aviators, condescending expression on her face.

“Who ya calling a runt, foo’, lemme tell it to ya straight,” the filly started rhyming. “Keep yapping and we’ll play ya like 808!”

Whatever the filly had thought she’d achieve with her intervention didn’t come to pass. Instead, she got her share of the previous pony’s fate as Fool’s Gold, looking even more annoyed, uppercutted her mercilessly and sent her flying.

“Who are you calling 88!?” Gold shouted. “I may look like this, but I’m still at the perfect age to mate!”

“Ain’t nobody who wants ta know that!” Short Fuse roared and delivered a punch to her employer’s jaw that made the previous ones pale in comparison. “An’ stop punchin’ them! Especially the foal! Ya damn child-beater!”

Fool’s Gold landed right next to the zebra foal, and for a moment both of them were trying to recover with poor results. Their eyes swirled in their heads, and made them look strangely similar, like a pair of idiotic siblings.

“One wicked wifey ya got there, foo’” the filly finally managed to say. “One hella jab she got there, too. Ain’t nopony to blame here, though, but you. When you hit me, Mo’ Fo’, ya made the wrong move.”

“Can it, pipsqueak,” Gold groaned and gave the filly a glare. “I’m tired of hearing your pseudo-singing, especially now that my headache’s back.”

“Then what’cha doing here in the hood?” the filly asked, frowning. “Even I can see you’re up to no good.”

“We’re here ta catch the vandal who’s been paintin’ all over Shangri-La District,” Short Fuse said, taking over the conversation. “An’ anyway, who are ya idiots? Ya wanna start something?”

The zebra filly adopted a smug grin and stood up. She nodded to the gang around her, and they gathered in a half-circle as if they were trying to intimidate the freelancers. Unfortunately they were up against an idiot, a muscle-head, a featherbrain and a monkey. They would have fared better trying to intimidate a brick wall.

“What’s with the hate, when you don’t know my homies?” The foal asked. “Tread light or we’ll bust you up fo’reals!”

Then the foal proceeded to point the older equines, from left to the right.

“Here’s Nice Cube, Red Mare, Bust-a-Reigns, and No Biggie,” the foal introduced the gang. “Along with Dr. Dreija, Peasy-Tea, Joy See and Gas, fo’shizzle.”

“An’ the one lyin’ there on the ground?” Short Fuse inquired. The filly sighed.

“That’s Vanilla Dice… he’s not exactly as tough as he claims,” the filly told them. “And I’m Nacondi, this gang’s heart an’ brains.”

“Oh, wow,” Fool’s Gold commented as he climbed back up to his feet. “I think we found out what happens to all the foals with parents who couldn’t come up with a good pun to save their lives.”

“Don’cha care ‘bout Boss, he’s an idiot,” Short Fuse assured Nacondi, before narrowing her eyes. “But we’d like ta ask some questions, ya know? Do ya know who’s doin’ all those graffiti?”

To the surprise of the ponies, Nacondi hit her chest proudly with her hoof, and flashed a grin.

“You better believe it was me, sistah!” The filly boasted. “I’ve tagged half of Canterlot alone, dah!”

“That tears it,” Fool’s Gold grunted and eyed Nacondi suspiciously. “Both the rhyme and your claim. Are you saying that a little runt like you managed to vandalize every house from here to royal castle? Why would you even to that?”

“To spread the word, to let them know, the might of the gangs ain’t suppressed, yo!” Nacondi proclaimed. “No matter what they try, we ain’t going down. Through our tags we show that now we own this town! Graffiti, rakugaki, no matter what they call it, it’s our way of life that we won’t quit! When came to his hood, we were promised riches, but instead of that, we were played like-“

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Fool’s Gold shouted and stuck his hoof into the filly’s mouth to shut her up. “Still, watch the language, will you? We’re rated teen, after all…”

Yeah, like you are the prime example of civilized language and etiquette.

“Shut up! This is different, she’s still a minor!” Fool’s Gold retorted. “Anyways, that’s it? Canterlot wasn’t the city of opportunity it claimed to be, so you turned to vandalism?”

To the group’s surprise, Nacondi became downcast all of a sudden. She paved the ground with her hoof and her eyes seemed to wander anywhere but to the faces of the freelancers. Even the gang around her seemed to be both uncomfortable and somber, as if Gold’s question had momentarily pierced through their ridiculous façade of fake-Manehattan. However, just as quickly as she had fallen silent, Nacondi recovered and punched the nearby dumpster with her hoof, making the whole alleyway ring.

“It ain’t like we got a choice, it’s all we got left!” Nacondi complained. “Without it, we’d face life of poverty and theft! Canterlot was s’posed to be a dream come true, but we got pushed here like some kinda taboo. Shangri-La sucks, don’t you see? Even if in here was born Nacondi! We lost our hopes, we lost our dreams, all the homies that I know ain’t as confident as they seem. So we take it back, our culture and beats, and we go out there and spread it to the streets! Our tags will set a message to all of ponykind, and we spit rhymes hot to wake up the blind! With this style we stand tall, together or alone, and put our mark to this city where we have no h-h-h…”

At this point, the filly’s ever-growing bravado seemed to have reached its peak, as she was clearly holding back tears and trying very hard not to show how her voice was quivering. Short Fuse looked at her with a worried expression, taking a step towards her. When the filly didn’t seem to retreat or avoid her, the mare walked straight up to her and wrapped her front leg around her, pulling Nacondi into an awkward hug.

“Hmh. Figures,” Fool’s Gold snorted and lit up a cigarette which he brought to his lips. “This is Shangri-La District, after all.”

Poverty and hardships; Poor living conditions and no hope for the future; That was, in essence, what Shangri-La District had become. Ever since the first immigrants had arrived to Equestria, there had been a plan to build them a place of their own in Canterlot. However, what had started as an idealistic endeavor had quickly become a project shoved around from one unwilling politician to another. Nopony wanted to take the responsibility for the ever-growing flow of immigrants, and thus, the dream of a shining district had turned into a ghetto where the locals spent every day just trying to survive.

It was not that unheard of a story, even in Equestria.

“It doesn’t make it any more justified,” Fool’s Gold grumbled.

I agree with you there, protagonist.

“No good. Won’t do it,” Ambra suddenly said, walking up to Nacondi. “No reward is big enough. I don’t wanna catch her.”

“H-huh? Are ya pityin’ me fool!?” Nacondi demanded to know. She swatted Fuse’s leg away and glared at the gryphon. “If ya do, I’m gonna bust you up, tool!”

“No. Not pity,” Ambra simply replied, and to the zebra-filly’s surprise, extended her claw in a fist. “You’re cool. I like your style. I wanna help you.”

“T-that’s right, I’m as cool as there is! I’m this town’s toughest Miss!” Nacondi replied, covering her surprise with another heaping of bravado. She quickly dried her eyes and bumped Ambra’s claw with her hoof. “You know, this birdie really does get it! Outta these dudes you’re only one who’s legit! You’re mile above all those other hens, so gimme your name, if you wanna be… f-friends.”

It seemed that Nacondi’s embarrassment caught up to her, making her stumble over the last word and look away with reddened cheeks. Short Fuse chuckled at the sight, as did many of the ponies and zebras who were watching. Only Fool’s Gold seemed uninterested in this birth of a strange friendship.

“Name’s Ambra,” the gryphon replied. “I’m the leader of this group.”

“Like hell you are!” Fool’s Gold roared from the sidelines. “You’re the freeloader who empties our fridge every week!”

“Okay, I’m not,” Ambra admitted and shrugged nonchalantly. “Mistakes happen. That idiot is the leader.”

“Oh? In that case, mind if I ask you to get our crew out of here, signore?”

In that instant, the atmosphere on the alley became electric. All heads snapped to the direction that the unknown voice had come from, only to find something very unexpected. What had been an empty alley leading back to the main street was now occupied by eleven stallions wearing pinstripe suits and brimmed hats. These stallions sneered at them, chuckling under their breaths like they had just graduated from the elementary school of villainy.

Undoubtedly, these were wisecolts; in other words, part of the mafia.

“Fancy running into you here, signore Gold,” the stallion who had previously spoken continued, tipping his hat to Fool’s Gold. “It’s been a while since we last met.”

Indeed, this was a face that all of them recognized. The wisecolt they had dubbed as “Joey,” his real name being One Ear, once again stood before them. This time, however, there seemed to be a threatening aura around him, as if he had stopped finally fooling around.

Hard to believe, right? I mean, so far he’s been nothing but a running gag…

“Shaddap! It’s not like I wanted it!” Joey retorted before turning his attention back to Fool’s Gold. “Anyways, let’s cut the crap. You know very well who I am, and who I represent, right?”

Fool’s Gold swallowed hard. His eyes glared intently at One Ear, spark of realization lighting up in them. Finally, he pointed at the stallion with his hoof and his brows turned into a frown.

“Y-you…” Fool’s Gold muttered, as if unable to believe his eyes. This made One Ear’s sneer widen.

Suddenly, Gold’s face lit up in realization.

“Ooh! You’re Tough Toffee, right? Back from high school? Man, it’s been so long, I almost didn’t recognize you!” Fool’s Gold said and laughed, patting One Ear to the shoulder. “You’re still working for that survey group? You always were a busy pony, and I see things haven’t changed a bit! I’d like to stay and chat, but we’re in a middle of something here…”

“Capodecina! They’re making fun of us!” one of the wisecolts shouted from the sidelines. Another one nodded repeatedly.

“Yeah! They’re making fun of us, Tough Toffee!”

“Who’s Tough Toffee!?” One Ear retorted. “The name’s Jo… Erm, One Ear! Anyways! We’re here to bring that brat to Capofamiglia. We knew that by posting a reward for catching her would get the attention of you guys, and you’d, in turn, lead us straight to her. You know, Capofamiglia ain’t too happy about you gangs vandalizing our headquarters.”

“Well, tough luck!” Vanilla Dice, having recovered from his earlier beat down, shouted and charged towards the wisecolts. “But we ain’t giving a f-“

His sentence was cut short, as the assault was stopped dead in its tracks by One Ear. With one swing from a baseball bat, the stallion sent the milky white pony barreling into the trash bins, unconscious. One Ear clicked his tongue, threw the shaft of dark wood to one of his comrades, and gave a mocking look to the stallion groaning on the ground.

“Put some ice on it, baby,” One Ear said, before turning his attention back to the rest of them. I wouldn’t advise trying to get smart with us. We have a way of dealing with overly-eager idiots. And since we only want the brat, we have no reason to hurt the rest of you. Think about it.”

“… Whaddya plan ta do ta her?” Short Fuse growled, narrowing her eyes. One Ear chuckled and made a vague gesture with his front leg.

“Oh, nothing much. You see, our boss figured that we would have to be paid at least 15, 000 bits for all the suffering we’ve had because of that graffiti in our walls. You know, for compensation,” he explained. “And I doubt she has that sort of money. So we’ll just have to find some way to make her useful to us.”

Hearing those words, Nacondi took a step back, a slightly panicky expression appearing on her face. Seeing this, Ambra fiercely stepped between the wisecolts and the zebra-filly, glaring at the older ponies with all her might. Beside the gryphon, Hideyoshi was snarling and cracking his knuckles.

“Oh, no need to get so angry. Even we don’t want this to get ugly, you know?” One Ear said and sighed. “Well… I guess we could find some sort of compromise. Perhaps we’d have you do something for us… a test, if you will… and if you pass it, we’ll forget about the compensation. Whaddya say?”

“Test? What sorta test?” Fuse demanded to know. “If ya plan on hurtin’ this filly…”

“No, no! We ain’t monsters, you know? Just respectable business-stallions,” One Ear replied. “Well, let’s see… since your graffiti has become rather well-known around the Shangri-La District, what if we put them towards a good use? They recently finished the clock tower at the center of De Wallen Street, and it could really use some spicing up regarding the paintjob. So, if you could liven it up with your graffiti, we’d be more than happy to drop the issue of the money. However, there’s one problem…”

“Of course there is,” Fool’s Gold snorted and took a drag from his cigarette. “You’re making her an offer she cannot refuse, after all.”

“Okay, that was low, even for you,” One Ear commented, to which Gold replied only by shrugging innocently. “But, indeed, this is supposed to be a punishment for you for defacing our headquarters. If you want to get out of this by simply covering the tower with graffiti, you have to do it by time the sun rises tomorrow. And nopony from your gang can help you, this is your personal punishment.”

This caused a disapproving murmur amongst the zebras and the ponies. They knew that even for the lot of them, covering the new clock tower with graffiti would have been a tall order in such a short amount of time. For a single filly, it was nigh impossible. It was clear that these wisecolts had no intention of honoring their deal; they simply wanted to humiliate Nacondi, as well as still get their money.

However, defying everypony’s expectations, the small filly took a brave step forward, staring straight at One Ear.

“O-okay, I’m gonna do what ya ask!” she proclaimed. “And I’m gonna succeed in this task! I’m gonna show you not to mess with me, so clearly even the blind can see!”

“Oh, I’m sure you will,” One Ear replied with a smug smile. “Well, if that’s your decision, then we’ll be taking our leave. Wouldn’t want to keep you too long from your task.”

So, after giving a condescending laugh, the group of wisecolts left the alleyway. The gang and the freelancers stared at their receding backs, only able to relax after last of them had disappeared around the corner. Once they were out of sight, the zebras all turned to Nacondi, shouting at her for being stupid enough to fall for the trap of the mafia; Nacondi, too proud to admit that she had just gotten herself deeper into trouble, yelled right back at her friends, defending her choice.

It was only seconds into this quarrel before Short Fuse stepped in, silencing everypony down with a single glare.

“Okay, stop bickerin’!” She half-shouted. “Ain’t no use cryin’ over spilt milk. Ya just hafta do your best.”

“Ain’t no way she can do it all alone! The mafia’s just humiliating her, yo!” one of the zebras protested.

“Ya know, though they said ya guys can’t help…” Short Fuse said with a sly grin. “It ain’t hafta be ya guys. They didn’t say anything ‘bout us.”

This made the gang fall silent from surprise. Nacondi looked at the freelancers, eyes wide from surprise.

“Y-you’d help me out, you’d tag the place with me? You’d watch my back, even though you’re busy?” Nacondi asked.

“Of course. We’re friends, now,” Ambra answered. “Friends help each other.”

“Ook!” Hideyoshi chimed in, pounding his chest.

“Yeah. Ain’t no way I’m leavin’ a filly ta the mercy ‘a them mobsters,” Short Fuse added, turning to look at Fool’s Gold. “Don’cha agree, Boss?”

To the mare’s surprise, the only thing she saw was the back of her employer. Fool’s Gold was already leaving the alley, and gave a half-hearted wave of goodbye to them, without even bothering to look back.

“Like hell I’m gonna get dragged into something like this. Count me out,” Gold answered. “Besides, I think I left my favorite haori to my friend’s place where I was drinking last night. I need to go pick that up.”

Short Fuse was left speechless, and before she could call out to her employer or ask him to stop, the golden-maned stallion had already disappeared from the alley, heading for the main street. All that he left behind was a trail of cigarette-smoke that drifted in the air, like a testimony of his desire to vanish now that a chance had been presented. An awkward silence reigned now in the alleyway, as nopony had expected Gold to simply abandon them because he didn’t feel like getting tangled up in more trouble.

“Boss… why would ya…” Short Fuse muttered. Then, shaking her head, she turned back to the group and gave them an encouraging grin. “Forget ‘bout that idiot! This ain’t actually a bad thing. ‘Cuz now we don’t hafta worry about him screwin’ things up!”

“So… we’re gonna do this?” Ambra asked.

“Yeah!” Short Fuse answered. “Let’s get to it!”

****

The night around De Wallen Street, Canterlot was suddenly awash with colors. In the black of the night, illuminated by the silvery light of the moon, something that seemed like explosions of rainbow color seemed to bloom at the root of the Shangri-La Clock tower. The sizzling sound of aerosol, the constant splats of the brushes hitting the wooden surface, and the clanks of the buckets hitting the ground created a cacophony of creation that filled the darkness.

Flying high like a bomber, Ambra attacked the clock tower from above, swooping with buckets of black paint to cover the surface of the clock tower in a completely black base. Whenever she ran out, she stopped on the ground to grab fresh buckets, graciously donated by an “unknown” group of zebras who just “happened” to pass by.

I swear, these gangsters are cheaters just like the mafia.

The gryphon also prepared the ropes and planks which the ponies needed in order to gain access to the higher parts of the clock tower. It was like a game of Lemmings, Ambra staying always only few steps ahead of the rest of the group. Of course, the difference between these two “games” was that while in one failure meant a hilarious death for the characters, here there was the additional danger of being smacked with a fine that would make even Princess Celestia go pale.

Attacking this covered-up surface the moment it had dried was Hideyoshi, drawing outlines with white paint. In his other hand was the black book of Nacondi, from which he got the instructions for what he was supposed to draw next. The zebra filly’s wildstyle piece had started simple, a back-to-back graffiti that ran along the width of the clock tower’s wall, covering all walls. However, after a while, it had started to climb halfway to the top of the tower. The zigzagging lines, arrows and letters created a chaotic image full of emotions and passion, something that was reflected in the eyes of the monkey.

Following in Hideyoshi’s wake was Short Fuse. She came armed with a gigantic brush and an array of spray cans, which she used to fill in the outlines and put the secondary colors in place. It was a full spectrum of colors, starting from the purple at the root of the clock tower and continuing through blue, green, yellow to red and repeating again. This vivid display of hues was less like a rainbow and more like an explosion of light, dispersing into all of its visible tints.

Finally came Nacondi. A spray can in her mouth, carrying dozens more on her waist, she was the true artist of this piece. Short bursts of movement and emotion flew from her cannons, both Manehattan Thins and Manehattan Fats singing their iridescent song as they painted the wall into a kaleidoscope of color. She didn’t only add the detail to the lettering and the arrows, but added the rest of the piece that was omitted by Short Fuse. For each color, there was an identifying partner: lightning for purple, waves for blue, wind for turquoise, leaves for green, cherry blossoms for pink… the imagination of the filly seemed endless.

This was no longer just a bomb; no, this was a bona fide burner.

What about the rest of Nacondi’s gang? After doing their “donation,” they graciously stepped aside, leaving the four to work on the piece undisturbed. However, there was still the problem of a guard or two possibly stumbling upon the group on their patrol, and arresting their asses before anypony could exclaim “Zephyr!” Therefore, a distraction was in order.

Which brings us to this brilliant idea, conceived by none other than Vanilla Dice…

“With magic of friendship, we’ll act like fillies! ‘Cause both us and ponies will be eating jellies!”

Wait, wait, waaaait! I can let lyrics in a text-based story slide, I can let bad puns slide, I can let the suffocating values of friendship slide… But! You’re treading a very dangerous line right there! There isn’t anyone out there who doesn’t know what you’re referencing!

The protests of this narrator were completely ignored by the group in the street corner, and they continued their impromptu rap concert, led by the aforementioned Vanilla Dice. Indeed, it was a very good idea in theory: after all, just hearing something as vulgar as rap music was assured to divert all the attention from the group bombing the clock tower with their piece. However, it had the underlying problem that this was not a song chosen by anypony talented. Instead the gang was forced to follow the lead of the overly-eager pony jumping up and down at the helm of the group. Both the zebras and the other ponies of the gang all looked like they wanted to strangle the milky white stallion, but couldn’t do it without raising suspicions.

Thus they had to swallow their impotent rage and continue the rap about going ninjas.

So the hours passed, with Nacondi and the freelancers doing their best to completely cover the face of the newly-built De Wallen Street clock tower with graffiti, while their friends continued to rap without stopping, only switching the singers every once in a while to let the others rest. It was truly an endurance test unlike anything seen in this city before; and with that I mean, it was the stupidest one.

However, eventually the morning came, and as the first rays of the sun started hitting the rooftops of De Wallen Street, Nacondi put down her spray can and breathed a sigh of relief. Completely exhausted, she collapsed backwards, slumping to the ground where Short Fuse, Ambra and Hideyoshi were already laying. Not a word was spoken between the four of them, but all of them shared the same sensation of accomplishment and pride.

Yes, they had succeeded in their task. As the sunlight finally revealed the clock tower from the shadows, the inhabitants of the De Wallen Street could see that it had been covered in a colorful display of graffiti, top-to-bottom.

“I never thought I’d say this to a gryphon or a pony,” Nacondi suddenly said with an exhausted voice. “But after this, each of you can count yourself as my homie.”

“I think we can be proud ‘a ourselves,” Short Fuse spoke. “Neither the mafia or the locals should complain ‘bout the quality ‘a this piece.”

“Agreed,” Ambra answered. “Good work. Saved Nacondi.”

“Ook!” Hideyoshi chimed in, and pointed his thumbs towards the sky.

As the group finally started to get up from the ground, they saw that their work on the clock tower was finally being noticed. Ponies and other creatures stared at it with wide eyes, and a murmur began to spread throughout the crowd that was starting to gather. Wearing embarrassed grins, the group stood before the clock tower and got ready for the tidal wave of questions, comments, and perhaps even praise from the locals.

However…

“T-they have defaced the new clock tower!”

“Barbarians! Thugs!”

“Such vandalism! All that hard work, only to be ruined by a bunch of brats!”

“Get them! Don’t allow them to get out of this without punishment!”

…instead of wonder and curiosity, they were met with disdain, anger, and hostility.

The crowd was quickly turning into a mob, and the pitchfork and torch salesponies were already raking in the profits. The business sense of these vultures was as impeccable as ever. Then again, with the rising levels of rage in the crowd, it was difficult not to see what would happen if nopony stepped forward to stop the lynching.

Much to everypony’s surprise, somepony did step out of the crowd. The wide-brimmed hat, the pinstripe suit and the smug grin was enough to tell who he was. The expressions on the tagging group’s faces changed into those of anger when One Ear casually strode out of the mob and stopped right in front of them. The wisecolt seemed extremely pleased with himself, as if a plan he had been cooking up for months had finally come to a fruition; like it probably had.

Seriously, none of you four idiots saw this coming? You’re dealing with the mafia.

“Oh dear. It seems that I made a bit of miscalculation,” One Ear said and chuckled. “Who’d have thought that these civilized creatures wouldn’t like this so-called art, brat? My, this is certainly shocking.”

“Watch it, ya punk,” Short Fuse said and growled. “Don’cha know that it ain’t wise ta mess with a former Royal Guard?”

“Yes, the Ogre Filly of the Royal Guard… I’ve heard about you, Short Fuse,” One Ear answered. “I’ve also heard about the shameful way you were thrown out after causing the umpteenth hospitalization of a commanding officer. Not one to mince words, are you?”

“Ya got that right,” Fuse stated. “I’m more ‘bout mincin’ bones, ya see?”

When face-to-face with the dreadful glare of the blue mare, even One Ear had to take a nervous step back. However, as he felt the presence of the mob behind him, he recomposed himself. The crowd had already gotten to the point of shouting profanities at random and searching for fruit-stands to topple during the chase that could start any minute. No matter how powerful Short Fuse and Ambra were, this was one situation they couldn’t fight themselves out.

“Now, I believe you have something that belongs to us.” One Ear made an inviting gesture with his front leg. “Time to hand it over or—“

In that instant, the wisecolt was hit straight to the face by a brown and rather disgustingly smelly projectile.

“Ook!” Hideyoshi shouted mischievously, stretching his arms like a baseball player.

“There,” Ambra said. “We’ve given it back.”

“This monkey turd was not what I meant!” One Ear roared and wiped the feces off his face. “I’ve never loaned you any of that! In fact, you’re the ones who keep throwing me with it! What sort of disgusting pet would even do such a thing!?”

After this outburst, it took the wisecolt few seconds to once again compose himself.

“What I meant was the money. 15,000 bits, like you remember,” One Ear said with a smirk. “For that price, I might be willing to calm down this crowd for you. But, if you’re willing to face the wrath of the mob angered by your so-called art, be my guest. I can always wait for them to finish, and pick up that brat afterwards. I’m sure we’ll find many uses for you so that you can pay back what you owe, even if you are a bit battered and bruised.”

Nacondi was gritting her teeth and showing a defiant face, but the way she was nearly glued to Short Fuse’s side showed how the filly really felt. Growing angry at her inability to find a way out of this trap, Short Fuse let her gaze wander across the crowd, trying to find a suitable point to attack. Maybe, if she found a weak link in the mob, she could break through the ring of creatures that had gathered around them. That way they could escape, at least for the time being.

Hmh, I hafta find some weakling… ah! Short Fuse’s eyes focused on a certain lazy looking pony in the crowd. Maybe that golden-maned idiot! He looks like he ain’t gonna put up much of a…

Short Fuse’s thoughts grinded to a halt and her jaw dropped.

“So, what’s it gonna be?” One Ear said and chuckled with his best 90’s villain impression. “Pay me 15 000 bits, or—“

“15 000 bits? Sold!”

Out of the crowd of angry locals, a new, much more refined voice rose to overpower the vile shouts. The sea of ponies suddenly parted as if the Muleses was leading his creatures through it, but instead of a theological figure who may or may not have been real, what the group saw was something far more mundane… and at the same time, something far more unexpected.

Moving like he had been on a dance floor, a stylish grey stallion with a white, well-kept mane strode into the clearing, his sapphire-colored eyes lording over the crowd with their fabulous authority. The mere appearance of this pony seemed to bring with him a refreshing breeze that carried the beat of a funky tune. He readjusted his sunglasses, gave a theatrical nod to the crowd, and then turned his attention back to One Ear and Nacondi.

In the middle of the poorest district of Canterlot, the fashion mogul known as Hoity Toity had appeared.

“Silence, please. We are conducting business here,” Hoity Toity spoke and clapped his hooves together, calming down the group with that single gesture. He then turned to look at One Ear. “Now, you said that the price of this magnificent designer was only 15 000 bits? Consider it a deal. Here.”

Having said that, Hoity Toity gave a nod to one of the ponies in the crowd, and the pony fetched a silver briefcase that could only be full of one thing. Indeed, when it was thrust to the hooves of One Ear and the wisecolt opened it, there appeared to be an endless amount of golden coins in there, as if the briefcase had been bigger on the inside. Before One Ear could get even a word in the edgewise, he had been entrusted with the money.

“B-but… I… I mean, what…” One Ear stuttered, unable to form a coherent sentence. “W-w-what just happened!?”

“You got your money. Aren’t you glad?” Another voice, a far more familiar, joined the conversation. “You don’t have to pester a young filly anymore. I’d imagine this will prevent your reputation from being tarnished any further.”

From the edge of the former mob, wearing a huge, smug grin, appeared Fool’s Gold. The golden-maned stallion seemed to be on the verge of bursting into mocking laughter, only barely containing himself. One Ear took a long look at the briefcase, then at Gold, and then once more at briefcase. Finally understanding what had just happened, the wisecolt then directed his seething hatred at the golden stallion with a glare that should have bored a hole into the freelancer.

“You…! You! So this is why you weren’t here!” The wisecolt spat out. “You knew this whole time what my plan was! And… and you went and did this! How despicable! Cheating criminals!”

“Oh, don’t cry,” Fool’s Gold said and puffed a cloud of smoke straight to One Ear’s face from his cigarette. “This way, everpony gets what they want, right? And if I remember right, you were always sucker for happy endings weren’t you, Tough Toffee?”

“I’m not Tough Toffee, you dolt! I’m Joey! I mean, One Ear!” the wisecolt roared. “Just you wait! T-this isn’t over yet! It doesn’t matter if we got the money or not, la famiglia will not forget this! You better be on your guard, because one day, we will get our revenge!”

Spouting threats like above, One Ear then made a hasty retreat into the crowd, his plans having been thwarted. This left only Fool’s Gold, Hoity Toity, Short Fuse, Ambra, Hideyoshi and one very, very confused Nacondi to the scene. The zebra filly stared at Hoity Toity like Princess of the Sun herself had appeared before her. It was clear that she couldn’t follow a ridiculous plot-twist like this out of the blue.

Heck, even this narrator can scarcely believe it.

“C-can any of you homies tell me just what’s going on?” Nacondi finally demanded to know. “This suddenly became that story of the ducklings and a swan!”

“You are the tagger that this district has been abuzz about, right?” Hoity Toity asked, and when Nacondi gave a careful nod, his face positively lit up. “Oh! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! You are just the type of talent I’ve been searching for!”

Hearing those words, Nacondi took off her sunglasses and rubbed her eyes before taking another look at Hoity Toity as if to check whether or not she was dreaming.

“Y-y-you mean me?” She asked in total shock.

“Nacondi,” Ambra said, and nudged her friend. “The rhyme. You forgot.”

“A-ah!” the zebra filly exclaimed in surprise, and hurried to finish her sentence. “Just how can that be!?”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Hoity,” Fool’s Gold grunted from the sidelines. “Stop it.”

“I will make you famous! Your fabulous designs will become known all over Equestria! That brilliant vibrancy of shapes and colors twisted into a refreshing wind of change is just what the fashion industry of this country sorely needs!” Hoity Toity continued with his speech. “You will be a star! Well… that is, if you want to. So, what do you say? Would you work for me?”

For a moment, Nacondi stayed silent, her eyes jumping from one corner of the clearing to another, but never anywhere near Hoity Toity. Then, showing great difficulty, she raised her gaze at the grey stallion. Using her front leg, she adjusted her aviator sunglasses so that they reflected the sunlight, and gave an upwards gaze towards the fashion mogul.

As an answer, Hoity Toity adjusted his own sunglasses, and the sunlight that reflected from them was like the brilliance of the Crystal Heart.

“M-Mentor! Please take under your wing!” Nacondi exclaimed, her face full of adoration at this sight. “I want to be the next big thing!”

“Great! Marvelous! Simply divine!” Hoity Toity shouted and spread his front legs towards the skies. “The birth of a new star in the world of fashion happens here and now! This wild style shall make the very foundations of the industry quake!”

While this strange bonding between the two sunglass-fanatics was going on, the freelancer team known as Gold Standard was finally reunited. Fool’s Gold walked over to his employees and took a drag out of his cigarette, nonchalantly blowing that cloud of smoke in the air. The expression on the stallion’s face was almost bored, as if he had done nothing in the course of this whole event.

“Erm, Boss?” Short Fuse finally spoke up. “How did ya get somepony like Hoity Toity ta come ta check out Nacondi’s work?”

“Unbelievable,” Ambra added. “Too big discrepancy. In financial situation.”

“Shut it, you birdbrain,” Fool’s Gold said before shrugging. “But, well… this idiot and I go way, way back. In fact, I was drinking at his place just last night. He mentioned something about searching for the one behind the graffiti amidst his drunken slur, and since we found the brat…”

Wait, what!? You, the dirt-poor protagonist, know one of the greatest fashion moguls of Equestria!? No matter the shocked faces of your friends, this narrator is beyond surprised!

“Shaddap! Who I associate with is my business,” Fool’s Gold retorted and scratched the back of his head. “Even I sometimes wish I didn’t know this fool.”

“Pshaw, please,” Hoity Toity said with a smile. “Aren’t we pony-best-friends-forever, Fool?”

“Gold! Call me Gold like everypony else does!” Fool’s Gold shouted and smacked Hoity Toity on top of his head. “Want me to tear off that living toupee you call your mane, huh? Want me to make you into a British judge, huh!?”

“Still such a hot-head, I see” Hoity said and gave a good-hearted laugh. “But speaking of manes, you really should do something about yours. By heavens, it’s like a bushel of wheat. Seriously, drop by one of my boutiques later, we’ll give you a makeover!”

“I don’t need one! A protagonist should always be easily recognizable visually! Changing my looks now would just confuse the few readers we have!” Gold answered. “Anyways, you got what you wanted, right? You have your sidekick. Is there something else, or are we free to go?”

For a moment, it seemed that Hoity Toity was about to say something. Then, peering over his sunglasses, he looked Short Fuse, Ambra and Hideyoshi over, and a warm smile spread on his lips. He turned back to his old friend, and patted him on the shoulder, causing Gold to grimace uncomfortably.

“Well, there were few things I was going to ask you about… but I think I don’t need to. You seem to be doing just fantastic,” Hoity said. “You don’t even seem to be bothered by her anymore. That’s brilliant.”

“Mind your own business,” Gold grunted and swatted his friend’s hoof away. “I still don’t have enough money to pay the rent, I have no idea where I’ll get food tonight, and I’m itching from places I can’t even mention in a teen-rated story… but those are all problems a pony with your stature couldn’t understand. So I’m not doing alright, but there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Hoity Toity chuckled and adjusted his sunglasses, at the same time as Gold took a drag from his cigarette. When they did so simultaneously, even the rest of the group could see that this was some sort of ritual that had happened many times before in the past.

“Indeed. But, you’ve got your fantabulous golden colors, so not all is bad, right?” the grey stallion said.

“Fantabulous, my ass. It’s a trick from the gods of irony, I tell you,” Gold answered and shook his head. “Anyways, we should get going. We still have lot to do.”

“Then, I’ll catch you later,” Hoity Toity said and offered his hoof.

“Yeah. Later,” Fool’s Gold said while bumping the hoof with his own. He even broke into a small smile, devoid of any of his previous annoyance.

While it might have been the stallion’s plan to leave immediately afterwards, there was one creature who wasn’t going to let this chance pass her by. Rushing to stand on his path, Fool’s Gold suddenly found himself face-to-face with Nacondi. The zebra filly seemed to be holding back a huge grin, accompanied by the tiny, happy flush that adorned her cheeks.

“Ya know, at first I thought you were a wanksta, but in the end, you were the real gangsta!” Nacondi rhymed and pointed at Gold. “So what, you might not be a good rhyme busta, but after what you did, you’re my brotha!”

“I don’t want to be your ‘brotha’, you damn brat,” Gold grumbled at the sight of the beaming filly. “It doesn’t pay my bills nor will it keep me fed. So there’s no point in it.”

These dry words made Nacondi back away a bit, surprised that her reconciliation had been met with such indifference. However, just as suddenly as Gold had rejected her, he reached out and mussed her mane. Then, giving just a single lazy wave of goodbye, the stallion headed out, walking away from the clearing and the sight of the clock tower with grandiose colors.

“Besides, I’m far too old-fashioned for that, sistah,” Gold said without looking back. “If anything, you should call me soul brotha.”

Seeing that this was the time for their exit, the rest of the group hurried after their boss. Short Fuse had a slight grin on her face, and she nudged Gold to the ribs when she caught up to him, earning herself a scowl. Ambra, on the other hand, simply gazed at the stallion with a slightly smug look on her face. Even Hideyoshi seemed like he was about to burst into a laugh, much to the ire of Gold.

Watching this scene, both Hoity Toity and Nacondi couldn’t help but to chuckle.

“Though really, don’t butcher the slang of the zebra,” Nacondi said to the receding back of the golden-maned stallion. “It’s clear ya don’t know a lick ‘bout it, brotha.”

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 7: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. While Minuette was already pouring through the pamphlet showcasing what else was on, Twinkleshine was staring intently at the screen.

“For all of their talk about how bad rap music is, I think they forgot to mention one important fact,” Twinkleshine suddenly said.

Minuette raised her head and looked at her friend with confusion in her eyes.

“Oh? What’s that?” she asked. Twinkleshine grinned.

“Well, unlike rap which can be good or bad, this story can only be the latter!”

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Author's Note

Black Book: The notepad where graffiti artists usually sketch their stuff before actualizing them to the walls.

Burner: The real deal, a piece of art that is far more pleasant to look at than your typical tags.

Chapter 8: Sisters are blossoms in the garden of carnivorous plants.

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 8
Sisters are blossoms in the garden of carnivorous plants.

“So, there you have it,” Wordwise finished his explanation. “Will you help me?”

His answer was a still-lit cigarette that was driven between his eyes with all the force that a telekinesis of a golden-maned unicorn could muster.

“’There you have it,’ my ass! Don’t try to skip explaining just because the chapter started in medias res!” Fool’s Gold growled, glaring at his friend who was currently cooling down his burn-wound in the nearby aquarium. “Even if you said you’d pay us well, I wanna hear the details of this job you have. Whenever you’re involved in some case, it tends to end up with my life or my reputation on the line.”

“Ya have a point, Boss,” Short Fuse agreed. “I, for one, wanna keep my maidenly image intact, even if I hafta work for this snoop.”

“Maidenly image?” Ambra asked, lifting her beak from the bowl of meat in front of her. “Don’t worry. You never had one.”

“Shaddap! Ya wanna start somethin’, birdbrain!?” Fuse roared, shaking her hoof at the gryphon.

The location of such a colorful discussion was one of the many family restaurants that lined the outer perimeter of De Wallen Street. Being close to the Canterlot-proper, this part of the Shangri-La District tended to have a much cleaner imago than the rest of the place, and shady figures rarely ventured in there.

Then again, one would be hard-pressed to find figures shadier than those of the Gold Standard freelance-team.

“T-then, let me explain a bit, Goldie,” Wordwise said as he finally emerged from the aquarium, a single spot in his forehead till smoking. “I called you here because I have a most important job for you to do. And since you’re my wingman, you’re the only one I can trust with this.”

“Since when did I become your wingman? I’m not Iceman, I’m Goldman! Everypony can see that just by looking at my mane,” Fool’s Gold protested.

“You’re just an Oldman,” Ambra commented from the sidelines, earning a glare from her employer.

“Like the hell I’m Gary!” Gold retorted. “If anyone is Commissioner Gordon around here, that’s Wordwise! Side-characters should stay as side-characters, and not try to climb up here with protagonists!”

Wow, the desperation of a third-rate protagonist is not pretty to look at.

“To get back on the subject at hoof…” Wordwise cleared his throat and sat back to the table. “Like I said, there’s an important task I want you to help me with. Somepony has been kidnapped, and I need to rescue her. I’m willing to pay as much as I can if you agree to help me.”

“Kidnapped? Who?” Short Fuse asked. “Ya sound a bit serious.”

“That’s because this is serious,” Wordwise answered, and his eyes narrowed slightly. “You see, the one who has been kidnapped… is my younger sister.”

This caught the freelancers by surprise. A momentary, shocked silence descended upon the table, during which Fool’s Gold fished a cigarette from the pocket of his haori and lit it up, enjoying his first drag from it despite the complaints from a nearby waitress. Finally, the stallion turned his gaze back at his friend, and Wordwise could see that the weight of the subject had made even Gold stop goofing around.

“So? Who kidnapped her? And why?” Gold asked, arching an eyebrow. “This sorta thing doesn’t usually happen without a reason.”

“I’m not completely sure… but I think it’s the work of the mafia. They’ve been suspiciously active lately, and since I’m known around the District as the pony with too much sensitive information, it’d be no surprise for them to try to get a bargaining chip against me.”

“They want to put their money where your mouth is,” Ambra said. “Without any money.”

“Well, that’s not a bad analogy,” Wordwise admitted. “But in the end, the reason doesn’t matter. They’ve got my little sister… the only pony I’d ever protect even if I had to give my life for her.”

“Mafia, huh?” Gold grumbled, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “We’ve been stepping on their hooves a lot, lately. If we do this, it might just be what breaks the camel’s back.”

“Those bastards…! Mutilating innocent camels because ponies dare to oppose them!” Wordwise cursed.

“Um, that ain’t what Boss meant, ya know…?” Short Fuse tried to interject, but her words fell to deaf ears.

“But I can see that you’d try to save your sister, with or without our help,” Gold finally said. “And you did say that you’d pay us. So here we are, between the rock and the hard place.”

“I’m begging you, Goldie! You have to help my sister!” Wordwise pleaded. “She’s still so young, so innocent! The thought of her being a prisoner for those brutes is neigh unbearable!”

“Okay, okay, I got it! We’ll help you,” Gold finally relented, earning a proud smile from Short Fuse “But, Wordwise, you’ll have to promise one thing in return.”

“Anything!” The blue-maned stallion answered, his eyes gleaming with gratitude.

“Stop making horrible puns,” Fool’s Gold flatly stated. “We get them enough from the Narrator. We don’t need another idiot to join the fray.”

Hey! You guys are the ones who make most of those puns! Don’t try to push the blame on the innocent!

“Thank you. You don’t know how much it means to me to know I have the help of my friends,” Wordwise said. “From what I’ve been able to gather, the creatures that kidnapped my sister are holed up in the Lopenton Hotel. It is heavily guarded, so our only chance will be to sneak in during the night.”

“So this is a sneaking mission, huh…?” Fool’s Gold said and tapped his chin with his hoof.

“D’ya think it’ll be a problem, Boss?” Short Fuse asked, looking a bit worried.

To the surprise of everypony around the table, a confident grin spread on the face of Fool’s Gold. With a single inhale, he sucked the cigarette on his lips till the filter, dropping a magnificent line of ash on the table. Then, with a swift move, he fished out something far bigger from the pocket of his haori and lit it up. The group stared in confusion at the cigar that was now adorning the lips of the golden-maned stallion.

“B-Boss? Ya alright?” Fuse asked, unsure as to what make of this sudden turn to the weird.

“Boss? Who’s that?” Gold asked with a chuckle, and wrapped something around his head.

When he turned to look back at the group, they saw that now his right eye was covered by an eye-patch.

“Call me… Big Boss!” Fool’s Gold declared.

****

The Lopenton Hotel stood at the far-end of the De Wallen Street, rising from the corner like a big red brick. Even the more foolish of the peddlers, thieves and beggars had realized quickly that it was best not to operate near a building where the local mafia held the fort, and thus, it was one of the nicer-looking areas of Shangri-La District.

… This is why the two cardboard boxes shuffling around on the other side of the road drew attention like a tank with legs.

“This is Gold. Wordwise, can you hear me?” the first box loudly muttered.

“Loud and clear. What’s the situation?” the second box answered.

“Looks like the service door on the side is our only way in… or, at least that’s the only one I can see from this small hole,” the first box told its partner.

“Then take ‘em off, ya knuckleheads!” Short Fuse roared and kicked the first box into the second one, sending their inhabitants flying out.

Fool’s Gold and Wordwise barreled out of their brown hideouts, hitting the curb of the street. Short Fuse, who had started her irritated charge from the nearby bushed, was soon followed by Ambra and Hideyoshi, both decked out in camouflage gear that provided no help at all in the urban environment. Especially Hideyoshi’s fly-and-turd camo would have better served at the floor of whatever wardrobe it found it from.

“Why d’ya hafta start screwin’ ‘round the moment we get ta the hotel?” Short Fuse asked in exasperation. “What’re ya, foals?”

This narrator believes it has been well established already that the mind of those two work on the level of a twelve year old.

“Shaddup. We don’t need ya ta make things worse,” Fuse retorted grumpily, before turning back to the two stallions. “Where’d ya get those boxes, anyhow?”

While the two recovering stallions tried to formulate an answer, something strange was already happening with the battered boxes. The one that had been manned by Wordwise suddenly sprung to life, and began flailing around in a panicked manner.

“Gold, what happened? Gold? Gooooooold!?” the box suddenly screamed.

“Why is the box still talkin’!?” Fuse screamed in horror, jumping away from the moving thing. “We ain’t in Game Over yet, so why did it hafta scream!?”

“Oh, that’d be because the owner is still in them,” Gold answered matter-of-factly and walked over to the moving box. “See? This is the guy we borrowed the boxes from.”

Fool’s Gold then proceeded to fish a dirty, rag-clad stallion with a bushy beard out from the box.

“So they were somepony’s home!? Ya stole a home from the homeless!?” Short Fuse shouted in shock, before smacking the gold-maned stallion on the head. “Put ‘em back! Immediately! Ya don’t know where they’ve been!”

“I see. Then, apologies, Colonel,” Wordwise said and bowed his head towards the dirty stallion in the box. “It seems that we called you out here for nothing. I’ll inform you if we are in need of your strength once again.”

“That reminds me, I saw Gubayama the other day in Shibomnigee,” the hobo mumbled as an answer. “He said to give you his best.”

Thus, under the confused gaze of Short Fuse and the hearty waves from Gold and Wordwise, Colonel packed away his cardboard boxes and shuffled into the night, leaving the group alone to the street. The silence that reigned during his exist was an awkward one, and the moment he had disappeared from sight, Short Fuse let out an exasperated sigh and smacked her forehead with her hoof.

“Wait… d’ya mean he really was the Colonel?” she mumbled to herself. “This ain’t makin’ a lick of sense…”

“Fuse. Focus,” Ambra said and walked up to the mare, patting her on the shoulder. “Get head in the game.”

“T-that’s right, I hafta keep my cool,” Short Fuse answered and nodded. “Okay, first things first: we hafta get inside that building. Like Boss said, the service door looks like our best chance.”

“Leave it to us,” Ambra proudly stated and pointed at Hideyoshi. “He knows all. Stealth is his expertize. After all, he is… Hideo-yoshi.”

“No, he ain’t! That turd-flingin’ monkey ain’t a game-creator! An’ could ya guys stop with those jokes!? We gotta make some progress!” Short Fuse shouted.

“Now, now, calm down, delinquent mare,” Fool’s Gold said. “You can’t let them throw you off your game. A retort is always appreciated, but you’re yelling so loudly that we’re bound to get caught.”

“Who d’ya think is at fault!?” Short Fuse roared, clearly wanting to strangle the stallion before her. “B-but… I gotcha. I’ll try ta calm down. We gotta take this seriously, since Wordwise’s sister’s in trouble. So, ya got a plan, Boss?”

Gold took a drag out of the cigar he was smoking and adjusted his eye patch, before turning to look at the large hotel on the other side of the street. As he scanned the perimeter, he saw multiple guards stationed at regular intervals along the main entrance, but just like he had previously seen, the service door seemed completely forgotten. As he puffed out a cloud of smoke, the stallion used his cigar to point at the said door.

“I can see only one guard that has a line of sight to the service door. If we can take him out from afar, we should be able to get inside undetected…” Fool’s Gold said. “After that, it’s just the matter of finding your sister, Wordwise.”

“They must be holding her in the large guest room at the top floor. I’ve heard that the mafia always brings their ‘visitors’ over there,” Wordwise stated and frowned at the building. “Just you wait, sis… I’ll be there in a minute.”

Considering how much time you’ve wasted already, I’d be surprised if you had made it inside by the next chapter.

“Don’t worry, Wordwise,” Fuse consoled the stallion, before glaring at the guard that was blocking the way to the service door. “But… how do we get rid ‘a him?”

“That’s easy,” Ambra stated with a monotone voice. “Hideyoshi. Shoot.”

So, before anyone could stop him, the camouflage-clad monkey had thrown a neatly-shaped turd straight to the guard, hitting him straight to the head and making him crash to the nearby wall from the force of the impact. It also rendered the said pony unconscious, either from the stench or the hit.

“Oi! Stop using your manure as projectile weapon, you damn chimpanzee!” Gold complained and swatted the monkey. “If we continue with such a vulgar humor, it’s going to be an ape escape for you!”

“Stop it, Goldie. The method might have been a underhanded one, but the results speak for themselves,” Wordwise interjected.

“More than underhanded, they’re under the belt,” Gold objected. “But… yeah. Let’s not waste this chance. Everypony, let’s go! Commencing Virtuous Mission!”

“Ain’t anything virtuous about this!” Fuse retorted.

Thus started the daring sneaking operation where Gold Standard (plus Wordwise) infiltrated the Lopenton Hotel. Bravely charging through the service door, the group quickly switched to more subtle approach as they arrived in the winding corridors inside the building. The old walls and carpeted floor created a confusing maze that took the group through a kitchen, past the dining hall, around the lobby and back to the corridors that would lead them to the grand staircase. On their way they came across multiple groups of wisecolts, all dressed up in pinstripe suits and carrying various weapons like baseball bats and switchblades.

Those groups that our heroes weren’t able to sneak around were quickly rendered unconscious by high-speed projectile excrement, courtesy of a certain monkey.

Eventually, the group made their way to the elevators near the grand staircase that ascended higher up into the Lopenton Hotel. Hurry hastened their actions, and Fool’s Gold impatiently kept pressing the button to call the elevator down. Short Fuse sighed at the sight.

“Ya know, Boss, it ain’t gonna come down faster, no matter how much ya press that button,” she said.

“Typical of the younger generation,” Gold said and snorted. “You never believed that pressing A+B+Down did anything, either.”

“That came outta nowhere!” Fuse retorted. “An’ don’t get bitter ta me ‘bout somethin’ as trivial as that!”

When the elevator finally arrived, the group quickly squeezed themselves into the small space. With the five of them, they nearly didn’t all fit, and thus, had to endure an uncomfortable ride upwards without any personal space. Even the annoyingly cheery lounge music that played in the background seemed to make fun of the lack of tension even though they were sneaking into the headquarters of a criminal organization.

“But… this is a good thing,” Wordwise suddenly spoke up. “Since there’s no space left, we can use that as an excuse to not let anyone else into the elevator. This’ll make it easy to slip into the top floor.”

“Huh, you’re right. I guess—“ Fool’s Gold got interrupted as the chime of the elevator suddenly rang, informing they had stopped at the current floor. “Well, looks like we’ll have to put that excuse to the test immediately.”

As the doors swung open, Fool’s Gold took on a business smile and pushed his head into the entrance, giving an apologetic nod to the pony waiting to enter.

“Sorry, but the elevator is currently completely full,” he said. “If you could wait for the next one, I’m sure—“

Before he got any further, the pony that had been waiting suddenly caught him by the head. It was a small mare in a pinstripe suit, and a completely desperate expression on her face.

“P-p-please, you have to let me on! All the toilets in this floor are out of order, and I can’t hold it in much longer!” the mare cried out.

An awkward silence fell over the group.

“Please! I’m going to explode soon!” the mare continued pleading.

… Thus, the journey upwards continued in even more cramped spaces.

“You know, the next time we’ll stop, we’re just going to close the doors before their damn muzzle,” Fool’s Gold grumbled as the mare made an apologetic gesture to him. “Just so everypony knows.”

It took only few seconds after the golden-maned stallion’s proclamation for the chime of the elevator to ring again. The metal box grinded to a halt, and slowly the wooden doors slid open. While Gold still tried to put on some resemblance of a cordial smile, it was now tinged with frustration, and came more across as a very bad imitation Lee Van Cleef.

“Sorry, no more room in here!” Gold growled. “Find yourself another elevato—“

“Please, you have to let me in!” cried the stallion standing behind the doors. “Boss was supposed to have these documents fifteen minutes ago! He’ll murder me if I don’t be there immediately!”

“Like I said, we’re full!” Gold tried to argue. “Sorry about your problem and all that, but—“

“Please! If I die because of my mistake, who will take care of my hospitalized sister!?” the stallion yelled in tears.

The judging stares from all around Fool’s Gold were like an anvil pushing down on his shoulders. Sweating profusely, he let out an elongated groan before finally stepping aside. Showering the freelancer with words of gratitude, the grey stallion stepped in, pushing into the group so that the doors managed to close once more. Thus did the journey continue ever upwards.

You know, this narrator has never seen protagonists so bad at infiltration.

“Shaddap…” Short Fuse grumbled with her mouth full of Ambra’s feathers. “Ya don’t hafta give any unwanted comments.”

The floors kept whistling past as the elevator climbed upwards, the cheerful lounge music still ridiculing the group that had been packed tighter than convention goers rushing through the entrance doors. Wordwise was trying to calm down the panicking worker, while Short Fuse had her hooves full with Ambra and the mare with the weak bladder. In the middle of it all was Fool’s Gold, desperately trying to stay away from Hideyoshi, mostly because of the monkey’s smell.

Suddenly, a chime rang through the elevator, once again informing them that they had come to a stop. Hearing the dreaded sound, Fool’s Gold’s nostrils flared up and his eyes turned bloodshot. Without even waiting for the doors to open properly, he jammed his hooves into the gap and slammed it wide open. Then, with a face of a truly tortured individual, he roared at the pony waiting behind the doors.

“This! One! Is! Full!” the stallion shouted. “By Celestia’s Ass, if you so much as say you’ve got some excuse to get in on this one, I’ll ram this monkey so deep up your derriere that he’ll come out of your mouth!”

The effeminate stallion in a light-colored pinstripe-suit visibly trembled at the sight of the furious freelancer. With shaking hooves, he raised something that looked like a hastily written, crumbled letter.

“B-b-but… this… I found this note that only said ‘goodbye’… left by my… fiancée…” he whimpered. “And I saw her… heading to the rooftop…”

The elevator fell silent as a grave.

“Ram it! Punch that button as fast as you can! We’ll get this bastard to his sweetheart in time if it’s the last thing we’ll do!” Fool’s Gold roared.

Short Fuse, hot-blooded flames burning in her eyes, kept hammering the button of the top floor with incredible speed. Whether it did something or not, nopony knew, but at least they felt as if the elevator had picked up incredible speed as it shot towards the top floor. Yelling like idiots, the freelance team tried their best to hurry the machine up while the wisecolts cheered on them.

The result was as expected: When the elevator finally arrived to the top floor and the doors slid open, the whole group cascaded out of the small compartment like a tidal wave.

“… What are you idiots doing?”

This question came from One Ear, the cigar-smoking stallion who had been patrolling the corridors of the top floor, and had witnessed the whole disastrous entrance.

As the groaning pile of ponies finally got their bearings and started rising from the floor, Fool’s Gold was the first one to notice the wisecolt standing in front of them; as his golden eyes met with the gun metal grey ones of One Ear, realization sparked within them. Even the ecru-colored wisecolt took a step back when he understood just who had appeared before him.

“Y-you…!” One Ear growled. “You’re that freelancer…”

Fool’s Gold, on the other hand, was now showing a completely blank expression.

“… Oh. If it isn’t Tough Toffee,” he greeted One Ear. “How’s your mother doing? Give her my thanks for the cookies she sent the other day.”

“Oh give it a rest already!” One Ear roared so loudly his hat almost fell off. “You know what my real name is!”

“Yeah,” Ambra chimed in. “It’s Joey.”

“That’s right, I’m Joe- Wait a dang minute! It’s One Ear! One! Ear! How many times do I have to tell it you!?” The wisecolt looked like he was about to lose it. “You’re doing this on purpose, right!? You must be doing this on purpose!”

“A friend of yours, Goldie?” Wordwise asked as he dusts himself off. “He seems a bit unhinged, don’t you think?”

“That’s Joey, from twelfth grade; remember? He dyed his mane screaming pink that one summer vacation and got called to the faculty office afterwards,” Fool’s Gold answered. “He’s still such a jokester, this guy.”

“Ah, I see. So it’s that Joey. Yeah, I remember him,” Wordwise said and nodded. He then waved a little to the wisecolt. “Hiya, Joey, how’s your mom doing?”

One Ear, meanwhile, was looking like he could explode at any second.

“I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna kill every last one of you!” The wisecolt growled, before turning to the three passengers that the freelancers had picked up on their way to the top floor. “And you three! Where the hell have you been!?”

The grey stallion, one who had come into the elevator second, snickered and winked at One Ear. He then proceeded to pat his pinstripe suit, getting the dust off it.

“Oh, you know, Joey. We just noticed some rats had sneaked into the building and decided to lay a trap to them. Sorry it got in the way of the meeting,” he said. “I figured we had the right to have some fun.”

Hearing these words, the group immediately took distance to the trio. Short Fuse drew her dull sword, Ambra cracked her knuckles, and even Hideyoshi adopted some sort of fighting stance as the three faced off the wisecolts. This left Fool’s Gold and Wordwise into a stare down with Joey. The group was now sandwiched between two fronts, and judging from the electrified atmosphere of the corridor, a fight could break out at any minute.

“Indeed,” the effeminate stallion said and giggled. “I could not resist playing a little prank on gullible fools such as these.”

“Uhm, err, well… I just really, really needed to pee, and the toilets were out of order everywhere…” the mare squeaked, trying not to look One Ear in the eyes.

“Mares with weak bladders aside… ya lot were all frauds? Figures. It ain’t ever gonna be easy, is it?” Short Fuse growled, glaring at the wisecolts. “I hafta admit, I was beginnin’ ta think the mafia ‘a Shangri-La were just a bunch ‘a fools.”

Understanding that the thorn in their collective side had now been captured quite efficiently, One Ear smirked maliciously.

“Good thinking, guys. That’s why you’re the capodecina of this family. Expect a big bonus on this month’s pay,” One Ear said and chuckled. “Now then… Adore. Little Pistachio. Trigger Strike. Get rid of these idioti.”

“I’d say you’re kinda full of yourself, youngster…” the grey stallion, Trigger Strike, said. “… But considering the situation, I’ll let it slide.”

“Indeedy,” Adore, the effeminate one, chimed in. “Let’s just get this out of the way, and we can go back to bickering amongst ourselves.”

Fool’s Gold quietly took his jutte and grabbed it with his teeth. He placed himself between Wordwise and One Ear, as the former had no weapon to speak of. Meanwhile, the ecru-colored wisecolt had already drawn his baseball bat. The rest of the enemies were busy arming themselves, too: Adore with a switchblade, Trigger Strike with a pair of hoofdusters and Little Pistachio levitating a long chain with her magic.

“Be careful, guys. I’ve heard of those three,” Wordwise whispered. “Little Pistachio… she’s supposedly the hoof-picked made mare of capofamiglia, said to be a legendary gambler. And those two, Trigger Strike and Adore… they say that the former was exposed to a magically charged rock and gained a skin as hard as granite from it. Meanwhile, the latter exposed himself to a magically charged rock, and gained a restraining order from it.”

“What, so that fruity guy is just a deviant?” Fool’s Gold asked, frowning at his friend.

“Don’t underestimate them, Goldie. They’re all notorious in their efforts to undermine the authority of the princesses, as well as their connections. I hear that both Trigger Strike and Adore were both former members of Equestrian military, but got disillusioned about the way of things. The former eventually bared his fangs to the government, forsaking this country. The latter eventually bared himself to the public, forsaking his shame.”

“Like I said, what sort of degenerate is that fruity guy!?” Gold asked, looking frustrated. “The more I hear about it, the more scared I am!”

“And you should be,” Wordwise answered. “They’re famous amongst the underworld of Canterlot. Trigger Strike is known as the Canterlot Slasher… while Adore is known as the Canterlot Flasher!”

“By Celestia’s ass, he’s just a pervert!” Gold roared. “Stop trying to make him sound cool!”

I say. Not to mention it’s already this narrator’s job, only the subject is that golden-maned protagonist.

“Oi!” Gold protested.

“Enough with the yapping… let’s go!” One Ear grunted. “Prepare yourself, fool!”

The rush of wind was the only warning that Fool’s Gold got. As his head snapped towards the source of the gust, he saw the rapidly approaching baseball bat aiming for his head. With a nimble movement he struck his jutte to meet the weapon. However, the force behind One Ear’s strike was simply too much, and the unprepared freelancer was sent barreling through the nearby door into one of the rooms. Grinning madly, the wisecolt chased after him.

Letting out a magnificent roar, Trigger Strike charged forward, aiming straight Hideyoshi. The monkey let out a surprised yelp and jumped straight up, narrowly avoiding the attack. He then landed straight on the pony’s back, only facing the wrong with. The two of them shot straight down the corridor, with the stallion trying to shake the ape off him.

“Hmph… though it really isn’t my style… I suppose I’ll deal with you, fledgling,” Adore said and smiled bitterly.

Bringing his switchblade in an arc, Adore aimed to finish the fight with a single strike. However, Ambra proved to be a surprisingly nimble opponent, and the gryphon dodged the attack, as well as the numerous other ones that followed it. Moving backwards, Ambra forced the flamboyant stallion to chase after her.

This left Short Fuse and Little Pistachio facing each other before the elevator.

“Umm… I’m sorta glad,” Pistachio suddenly said. “About you being my opponent, that is. Out of all of you, you seem the most… normal. You don’t even have any weird sneaking gear.”

“Ya got that right. I ain’t crazy over those games,” Short Fuse answered and snorted. “It’s ‘cuz I know who the real masters ‘a stealth are.”

“Oh?” the maize-colored mare asked. “Who, then?”

“Ain’t it obvious?” Fuse answered. “Cat’s Eye, of course! Ain’t better trio ‘a cat burglars out there!”

“Ooh! I know, right! They’re my favorite, too!” Little Pistachio got suddenly excited. “I actually memorized the whole dance choreography from the end credits of the first season!”

A dangerous glint appeared in the eyes of Short Fuse, as she stared at the smaller mare like a predator ready to pounce.

“Really? I find dat hard ta believe, ya know,” Fuse said.

“D-did too!” Pistachio answered, now pouting. “I’m the biggest Cat’s Eye fan there is!”

“Nah, that’d be me, ‘n even I can’t do it,” Short Fuse said with a mocking grin, causing the smaller mare to stomp her feet.

“You doubt me?” Pistachio asked. “H-here, let me show you!”

Balancing herself precariously on her hind legs, the maize-colored mare started swaying a bit from side to side, as if moving to an unknown music. She stretched her head, first down, then up, before repeating the process. With a widening victorious smile on her face, Little Pistachio hummed in rhythm to her movements.

“Stretch your hooves! One, two!” the mare sang as she threw her front legs to the side, then to the opposite and back again.

Pistachio then took a wider stance with her hind legs, and stuck her rump to the right.

“Move your hips! Right, le—”

The corridor rang with the sound of an attack meeting the target. What should have been a testimony to the mare’s dexterity was unceremoniously ended when Short Fuse, without a hint of warning, delivered a devastating kick straight to her nether region.

“First rule ‘a cat burglars, kiddo,” Short Fuse said while glaring at the mare writhing on the floor. “Don’t trust any pony. Especially when you’re defenseless, and the enemy knows you have a weak bladder.”

The blue mare turned to leave, only to give one last look at the wisemare, who was down for the count.

“An’ if ya were serious ‘bout needin’ ta go ta the bathroom just now…” Fuse grimaced. “I’d go see a doctor when ya wake up.”

Merciless as ever, Ogre Filly.

“Shaddap,” Fuse grunted.

Meanwhile, the battle between the two teams of wisecolts and freelancers continued. Ambra evaded all of Adore’s attacks with ease, moving very quickly for someone who looked so lethargic. Meanwhile, Hideyoshi was clinging to the back of Trigger Strike, refusing to let go despite the stallion’s best attempts. It was like a rodeo for the ape, who seemed to be having quite a lot of fun.

“Hideyoshi. Enough playing,” Ambra suddenly stated. “Finish him off.”

“Hah! And with what!?” Strike laughed. “This monkey’s barely hanging on to me! How could he do anything that’d even get past my defenses?”

A small smirk appeared on the gryphon’s face.

“Easy. Encouraged suicide,” she informed the pony; and while the wisecolt was still trying to decipher the meaning of those foreboding words, Ambra issued another order. “Hideyoshi. Catch.”

Swiping a pill from her pocket, the gryphon performed a backwards flip and threw it to the monkey. Hideyoshi let out a yelp and reached for the pill with his tail, catching it with ease and popping it quickly in his mouth. The monkey then turned to look at the pony he was clinging to, grinning like a madman.

“No matter what sort of steroids you feed him, it won’t help you!” Strike proclaimed.

Dodging yet another attack from the now-frustrated Adore, Ambra’s smirk grew.

“Not protein,” the gryphon flatly said. “Laxative.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, letting out a blood-curdling scream, Trigger Strike crashed through the nearest window in a last-ditch, desperate effort to shake off the monkey before it was too late. The scream grew more and more distant, before disappearing completely.

“Victory,” Ambra proclaimed with zero interest in her voice.

What is it with that monkey and feces!? This narrator knows toilet humor exists, but this is getting ridiculous!

“What is ridiculous is that you are still dodging my attacks,” Adore grumbled as once again one of strikes was cleanly dodged. “Like I said before, it isn’t to my liking to fight women or children… but I suppose I’ll have to get serious now that you’ve gotten rid of Trigger Strike. I advise you to do the same.”

There was a sudden gust of wind as Adore charged forward, slipping easily through Ambra’s defenses. The surprised gryphon was left with no time to dodge as the mouth holding the switchblade easily drove the weapon into her shoulder, drawing small amount of blood. Moving even faster, Adore then yanked the blade out, spun to the opposing side and slashed the knife down in an arc, preparing to cut Ambra.

“You… want me… serious?”

A loud clang resonated in the corridor. The blade that had been aiming for more of Ambra’s blood was suddenly brought to a definite halt as a talon firmly wrapped around Adore’s throat, stopping his movement. The surprised stallion’s eyes snapped to the gryphon before her, confusion brewing in them.

“Sure. I’ll be serious,” Ambra calmly stated.

A distant rumble echoed from somewhere. Before the shocked gaze of Adore, the small gryphon before seemed to grow to colossal heights even though in truth her stature stayed the same. It was the mere change in her presence that made her seem bulkier, more muscular and one with a jaw that would have made any man jealous. The wings on her back seemed like a cape of an emperor, and the eyes staring down at Adore were announcing he was already dead.

“S-S-S-S-S-Supreme Ruler of the Century’s End!?” Adore squeaked, covering before the aura emanating from Ambra.

“You’re in shock,” Ambra announced, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

No, I think the one in greatest shock is this narrator!

With a furious force, the free talon of the gryphon was clenched into a fist and brought down on Adore like it had been a hammer. The purple stallion only managed to squeak before the colossal power behind that single punch sent him straight through the floor. It was only three floors later that Adore came to a stop, laying in a crater caused by the impact. It was clear that he was not going to get up anytime soon.

This narrator can safely say that not a single shred of love will be coming back to this gryphon. There is limit to being overly powerful!

Meanwhile, in the room that Fool’s Gold had crashed into, another fight was heating up. The strikes from One Ear’s baseball bat rained upon the freelancer like meteorites, and he had his hooves full trying to fend them off with his jutte. With each strike, the wisecolt seemed to be growing more and more confident, and soon he was sadistically grinning from ear to a missing ear.

“What’s wrong, freelancer? Not feeling so hot right now, when you have to fight for real?” One Ear cackled. “You’re sweating!”

“I’m just all out of deodorant! Don’t bring up such embarrassing facts!” Fool’s Gold answered as he dove under one particularly large swing. “Besides, I’m just an unemployed host trying to make a living! Why do you have to go and make it personal, Joey?”

“Exactly because of that!” One Ear roared and swung his bat down, trying to squash Gold’s head. “We have enough problems as an organization without idiots like you running around!”

“Don’t bring me into your family troubles!” Gold complained as he struck aside the wisecolt’s attack. “I’m against domestic violence, you know?”

“Well too bad, because that’s what you’ll be getting!” One Ear said and drew his baseball bat back. “After I’ll deal with you, I’ll get rid of your whole ‘family’! Down to that excrement-flinging monkey!”

Seeing the chance to take some distance, Fool’s Gold jumped backwards, tensing up his body. When he hit the ground, he raised his jutte, preparing to defend himself against another barrage of attacks. However, what he met was only the sneering gaze of One Ear.

“As if I let you,” Gold said. “If you have this much trouble with me, you couldn’t even scratch those idiots.”

The wisecolt chuckled malicious.

“You thought this was the extent of my strength? Don’t screw with me, idiot,” One Ear said. “I’ve just been playing around with you, judging your abilities. With such poor form, weak power and sloppy instincts, you’ll be no match for me when I get serious. Sorry about this, but freelancer… your strength won’t just be enough to protect your comrades. It’s the law of Shangri-La, where strong devour the weak. You’ll be trampled by me, just like anypony who’s ever opposed me.”

Letting out a barking laugh, the wisecolt charged forward like a bolt of lightning. He was unbelievably fast, crossing the small distance between the two in mere seconds. The dark wood bat was swung in a large, horizontal arc, meant the fling Gold’s body into the wall. It was a strike that would have, if not fatal, at least broken multiple ribs.

“Lament your own weakness, freelancer!” One Ear roared. “Fall, knowing you won’t be able to protect a thing!”

There was a loud sound as metal struck wood. The sheer pressure wave caused by the impact threw around the furniture of the small room. This was followed by another crash as something hit the wall to the left of the two ponies. It created a crater in the wall, cracking its surface heavily. Dust and rubble rose as a cloud into the air, engulfing the room; and when it finally dissipated, revealing the result of the furious attack…

“What… the hell…?” One Ear muttered, unable to believe his eyes.

The baseball bat had been nailed to the wall on the left, skewered thoroughly by the jutte. It had been struck to the side with such a force that it had been driven through it cleanly, almost like a sword. Not only that, but the jutte had embedded itself to the wall firmly.

Before One Ear stood the warrior who had swatted the attack aside so calmly. Having risen to his hind legs, Fool’s Gold towered above the wisecolt momentarily. His golden eyes were narrowed, and in them, One Ear saw a look he had never seen before. If he had to have chosen one word to describe it, it would have been, without a doubt: terrifying.

“I’ve lamented my weakness my whole life,” Fool’s Gold coldly stated. “You don’t have to tell me that.”

Then, swinging down like a pendulum, the freelancer brought down his head straight to that of the wisecolt with force of an avalance. Two foreheads collided with a sickening sound, ending the battle with a single, colossal impact.

“W-who… just who… are… you…?” One Ear gargled as he fell to the floor, succumbing to the concussion.

“Like I told you,” Fool’s Gold murmured, picking a cigarette from his pack and lighting it up. “An unemployed host. That’s all.”

In the silence that followed, Fool’s Gold took a drag out of cigarette and blew out a cloud of smoke. He then calmly walked over to the wall where his jutte was embedded, and pulled it out using his magic. After stashing it in its holster, he turned to leave the room… though not before giving one last look to the wisecolt sprawled on the ground.

Old habits die hard, eh, protagonist?

“Shut it, Narrator,” Fool’s Gold mumbled. “Sakuhikonze… that’s what she called it anyways. Leave it be.”

… Fine. Be like that, then.

When Fool’s Gold finally entered the corridor again, he wasn’t surprised to see that all the other battles had already ended. Two of the three wisecolts were nowhere to be seen, and the third was lying on the floor, clutching her nether regions. In the middle of it all was Wordwise, looking a little green on his face.

“Hey, big bro,” Gold called out to him. “It’s our chance. Let’s get to that guest room before more wisecolts are drawn in by the noise.”

“R-right,” Wordwise said and nodded. “But I must say… remind me to never get on the bad side of you guys.”

The four ponies quickly ran down the corridor, keeping their eyes peeled at the door that would lead to their destination. It was deemed best not to worry about Hideyoshi, who hadn’t been seen since he had ridden Trigger Strike out of the window. After all, he was a monkey, and for some reason, those creatures would always come back.

“Boss! Ain’t that it?” Short Fuse asked suddenly, nodding towards a door at the far end of the corridor.

“Figures they’d have their guest room be the hardest place to get to,” Gold said and grinned. “Alright, everypony! We’ll charge through, take out any guards, and then bust Wordwise’s sister outta there!”

The group responded with a resonating “Yeah!”

Charging through the heavy wooden door, the trio of freelancers immediately prepared for battle. Gold drew his jutte with his magic, Short Fuse swung her sword to the front, and Ambra cracked her knuckles, ready to throw a punch. Even Wordwise, though warrior he wasn’t, snarled and spread his wings to their limits to make himself look imposing.

However, what awaited the group behind the door was not a bunch of guards. It wasn’t even a disguised prison cell. It was…

“Huh? W-what is it? An emergency?”

… A sight of a light magenta-colored mare sitting on a comfy-looking couch, painting her hooves.

“Wait… you aren’t the usual wisecolts? Are you part of the family? New errand boys, perhaps?” the mare asked, smiling at them. “Well, when you see him, tell One Ear that I’d like a TV in this room, if it isn’t too much to ask.”

The stares of the three freelancers turned, in unison, to Wordwise. Utter confusion filled the three pair of eyes, as none of them was unable to quite grasp the strange situation they had stumbled into. The former Wonderbolt, however, was not left stunned. He ran forth, relieved expression on his face, and jumped with his front legs wide as if to grasp the mare into a tight embrace.

“Rose Heels!” Wordwise cried out. “You’re alright!”

“B-brother!?” Rose Heels asked in shock. “Why are you here!?”

“To save you, of course!” the stallion said as he closed in. “Now, let’s get going before—“

The rest of Wordwise’s sentence was cut as Rose Heels unceremoniously grasped him by the waist and lifted him over her head, performing a beautiful vertical suplex that slammed the stallion to the floor. Before the eyes of the flabbergasted freelancers, the mare then dusted herself off, before kicking her whimpering brother with a furious look on her face.

“To save me!? Give me a break! The reason why I’m here to begin with is because I wanted nothing to do with you! Do you have any idea how much I had to pay the mafia in order for them to guard me in case you came looking for me!?” Rose Heels shouted. “And here we are again! Even if I asked Princess Celestia to banish you to the moon, I suppose you’d find some way to come back to ruin my day!”

“… Come again?” Fool’s Gold asked with a flat voice.

“And who’re you supposed to be?” Rose grunted at the three, while simultaneously raining blows on her sibling. “No, wait, let me guess: he told you I had been kidnapped or some other crap like that, so you’d help him get here?”

The three nodded in unison. Their eyes were now completely on the pink-and-white-maned mare, ignoring the bundle of bruises that was also known as Wordwise.

“I knew it! You can’t just stop dragging other people into your problems, huh, brother!? Let me tell you, you’ve been duped! Ever since I left the home, he’s been trying to worm his way into my life! I even tried to get a restraining order, but he bribed the officials!” Rose Heels groaned in frustration. “Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have a brother who won’t leave you alone!? I’m gonna murder him! It’s the only way to end this!”

Fool’s Cold gave a cold stare at Wordwise on the floor, before looking at his comrades with a deadpan expression.

“Sister complex?” the stallion.

“Sister complex,” Ambra and Short Fuse answered in unison, nodding their heads.

“W-wait! You don’t, ow, understand!” Wordwise cried out. “I’m only doing what’s best for my sister! She’s still a teenager! She doesn’t, ow, understand the dangers, ow, of this world! Only I, her brother, can protect her! I should always, ow, stay besides her! It is the sworn, ow, duty of brothers to forever be with their little, ow, sisters and pamper them!”

“Like hell it is! You’re just a creepy deviant who refuses to let go of me!” Rose shouted. “Plus, I haven’t been teenager in three years! I’m an adult already! So leave me alone!”

“Never!” Wordwise announced. “I’ll be there, at your side, forever, to ward off any danger or suitors!”

“Aargh! You’re such a pain in the ass! Just die already, stupid brother!” the mare angrily demanded.

Seeing that the confrontation was turning more and more violent, Short Fuse finally turned towards Fool’s Gold.

“Erm, Boss… I say we go,” she said. “Mostly ‘cuz this ain’t got nothing ta do with us.”

“The less I see him, the better,” Ambra stated and nodded. “The deviant.”

“Well, there’s still the problem of our payment…” Gold grumbled, scratching his chin. However, when she heard those words, Rose Heels turned to look at them.

“Payment? What are you talking about?” she asked. “This guy’s broke. He tried to bribe the mafia to let him here, but they just took his money and left.”

A grave silence fell to the room.

“Well then, Wordwise: you’re on your own,” Fool’s Gold informed, and turned around.

Together, like particularly stiff robots trying to forget what they just experienced, the three freelancers made their way to the doorway. The desperate cries of Wordwise echoed behind them, but not a single one paid any attention to them anymore.

“W-wait, Goldie! You can’t leave me here!” the former Wonderbolt cried out. “This is for her own good! Little sisters should be their, argh, brothers’ treasures forever!”

“Just shut it, you damn pervert! I’m going to kill you!” Rose Heels growled.

The only answer to Wordwise’s pleas were the backs of the trio that disappeared through the doorway, into the corridor.

“Goldie, at least get me out of here! This story will get a gore tag if she isn’t stopped!”

“Shut up and accept your punishment with dignity! Take this: Last Ponyride!”

“Hyaaaaarggh!”

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 8: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty audience, gazing at the now dark silver screen. Minuette was slurping on the remains of her soda, while her friend was intently reading through the pamphlet featuring up-coming shows.

“Anything better than this coming on later tonight?” Minuette asked. “I’d be up for something uplifting after that fiasco…”

“Well, there’s thing one thing,” Twinkleshine said. “I know it’ll cheer you up.”

“What’s that?” Minuette inquired.

“The end of this chapter!” Twinkleshine answered.

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into a bellowing laughter, which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Author's Note

The names of wisecolts: Those with some knowledge of the famous mafia-types of USA history might find these names familiar. That's because they should be. It should also give some insight to just what sort of ponies they are.

Sakuhikonze: To realize and regret one's past decisions and to change because of them. An odd mouthful of a word, foreign to Equestria. One could call this the creed of a pony known as Fool's Gold, learned in a small island nation.

Chapter 1: Adversity makes strange (and often vulgar) bedfellows

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 1
Adversity makes strange (and often vulgar) bedfellows

“And don’t show your muzzle in here again!”

A mare was sent flying through the gates of Canterlot Castle by two sets of powerful hooves. The assailants were guards clad in golden armor, each wearing a frown on their face. She hit the cobblestone street and let out a yelp, watching as her meager luggage followed in suit. Said luggage consisted of a single suitcase and a sword that would have been best described as a metal rod. It had no sharp edge, no point, and nothing resembling the pride of a well-kept weapon.

In short, the sword resembled its owner.

The mare, whom we will now henceforth refer to as Short Fuse, was a rather ordinary looking mare, if you didn’t count her dark grey colored mane, which was uncut and unruly, just like her name suggested. It fell to her withers and pointed straight ahead from her forehead like a mane of a delinquent. Her coat was the color of queen blue, creating an illusion of a royal character. This could not have been farther from the truth. This mare was as royal as a national lottery was exciting.

“Ow, ow, ow!” Short Fuse groaned, wincing in pain. “What sort ‘a idiots get rid of their best guard, just like that!?”

At the moment we join this story, Short Fuse has just been kicked out of the Canterlot Royal Guard because of her violent temper, physical harm caused to both cadets as well as instructors, and explosive bouts of profanity. In order to keep this story accessible to younger readers, we shall not go into detail as to what exactly transpired, but let us simply conclude that the door of the castle’s mess hall needs to be replaced, Instructor Iron Mane has many years of extensive therapy and suspiciously long bills from a psychologist to look forward to, and instructor Whirlwind will, for the next two years, insist to anypony who listens that his mother was, and remains, a very classy mare.

“Good for nothin’ cowards. I’ll show ‘em, I’ll show ‘em all…” Short Fuse grumbled as she made her way into the city. “They’ll come runnin’ back ta me, I tell ya…”

As a young earth pony mare with nothing but a suitcase and a metal rod that could be barely called a sword, Short Fuse was fresh out of options. She had neither money nor a place to stay, since she had lived in the barracks of the castle during her service. Addressing all sorts of monetary problems blissfully ignored in Saturday Morning cartoons weighed heavily in Fuse’s mind.

“Ah, that reminds me. Emmermane starts at four. I hafta find a television, quick.”

Let me rectify: they didn’t weigh in her mind the slightest bit.

The winding streets of Canterlot spread ahead of Short Fuse, cutting into the sea of tall buildings that formed the greatest city of Equestria. White marble, grey stone, and blue glass created a tapestry of undeniable grace and beauty. Towers reaching for the skies stood side by side with small houses cozily snuggling with each other. Everywhere she looked, she saw ponies go about their daily business, each hurrying to get to the place where they were needed.

Amongst these ponies, Short Fuse, who simply wandered around aimlessly, stuck out like a sore thumb. And since ponies have no thumbs, that was saying something.

“All these stuck-up pompous city jackasses,” Short Fuse complained as she walked. “No matter where I go, they aim ta stop me.”

“Watch your language, girl! It’s not like this carriage broke down here because I wanted it to!”

Ignoring the donkey who had responded to her complaints, Short Fuse sighed and headed back to the main street. With the donkey’s carriage blocking the alley, she would have to go around the block if she wanted to get to the city centre. The mare deduced that if she wanted to get anything done, whether it was finding herself a new job or seeing this week’s episode of her favorite soap opera, it was the place to go. Not to mention that it was one of the safest places in Equestria, so she did not have to worry about getting into any more trouble.

“I’ll just hafta remember ta stay out ‘a there during season finales,” Short Fuse said to herself. “Otherwise all the destruction will be focused on Ponyville. How that town still has any ponies livin’ there is beyond me, but I’m glad it exists.”

Thinking thoughts that would have been best left not thought of, Short Fuse made her way down the street, eyeing for potential places to watch her show. If there were any hints of television or lodging possibilities with exploitable loopholes in the contract, Fuse was determined to spot them immediately. In the case there were promises of both, Fuse was even ready to sacrifice her treasure of a few measly coins in order to get that place in a vise grip.

… Or she would simply get the landlord’s nether regions in a vise grip, whichever was easier.

As Short Fuse walked around, pushing her way past the waxing and waning crowds of ponies, her eyes eventually fell upon a store that looked promising. Even in the soft morning light of the sun in the sky, the bright purple neon lights that kept flashing the word “Entertainment” told Fuse of the possibility of watching television. While the place otherwise looked a bit run-down, the small building at the unsuspicious corner of the street seemed quiet enough. Nopony would start picking a fight with her for switching the channel.

Of course, we know that a run-down place hidden in the corner of the street, with the word “Entertainment” flashing above its entrance, contains anything but a television. Short Fuse, however, was still quite inexperienced when it came to the ways of the world.

And sure enough, as Short Fuse approached the building, a stallion who had been lounging around the entrance of the building spotted her, and made his way towards her.

“Hello there, beauty. Looking to have a good time?” the stallion with a golden mane asked while flashing his best toothpaste commercial smile.

“Oh, the TV is just fine for me,” Short Fuse answered, completely disregarding the stallion’s attitude. “Though if ya can, get me some breakfast. Without Manehattan socialites ‘n romantic moments, thanks.”

“Don’t worry, Tiffany’s we ain’t,” the stallion answered before laughing awkwardly. “After all, we only serve drinks. Anything special you’d like? How about company? Got somepony specific on your mind? All the colts are free at the moment…”

“Mama always told me ta chew 20 times before I swallowed, an’ I can’t really do that with drinks, can I?” Short Fuse said with a frown. “If ya haven’t got anythin’ ta eat, just show me where the television is.”

“Just what sort of cooking Mama did you have? Just how fixated are you at that breakfast?” the stallion asked, growing more and more suspicious of the mare. “Now look, we’ve got plenty of entertainment here, no need for television. Here let me show you why we are the number one host club in Canterlot…”

To emphasize his words, the stallion put his front leg around Short Fuse’s shoulders, flashing yet another professional smile. With his golden mane and coffee-colored coat, he would have probably been able to sweep anypony off their hooves.

Unfortunately, the “customer” this time wasn’t just anypony.

“Don’t touch me ya piece of manure!” Short Fuse screamed from the top of her lungs while her hoof collided with the stallion’s head at what was probably hypersonic speed. “Anypony who gets in the way of my television ‘n me is gonna be destroyed, ya #¤&%@%!”

The stallion host was sent flying like a rocket, being only able to give one yell of surprise.

“Can’t touch this!?”

And thus, with the power of Short Fuse’s hoof behind it, the stallion’s face was quickly introduced to the wall of the host club behind him. That was only for a short while, though, as he just as quickly re-emerged on the other side, flying through the room in a manner not unlike a fighter jet. His violent trajectory finally made him end up embedded into the opposing wall, where he jutted out like a piece of art that was just ugly enough to end up in the collection of someone with too much money.

“W-what’s going on here!?” The group of dubious looking hosts shouted from inside the building.

With her hoof striking down on the floor with enough force to create a huge crack, Short Fuse stepped into the host club with her eyes darting here and there, looking for a television. However, what her eyes found were only stallions dressed up for their job, a counter full of liquors of various colors, and a few tables with even fewer customers, mostly in the form of a couple past-their-expiration-date mares.

“Oookay! The first one ta point me ta where the television is will get their muzzle smashed in! Ya have three seconds!” Short Fuse announced. “One, two…”

“What sort of prize is that!? What sort of Midnight Channel are you trying to make us watch!?” The leader host cried out. “The contents at least sound as black as your heart!”

The situation was getting rather volatile. A vein twitched in Short Fuse’s forehead, but the hosts weren’t exactly happy either. The one who seemed to be the leader, a stallion with purple coat and white mane, was confronting the mare while the rest of the hosts gathered at his flanks like an advance guard. With the idiocy of the mare in the blue corner, and the suspicious hostility of the hosts in the red corner, it seemed like a 12-round-slugfest was about to happen under the frightful eyes of the customers of the host club.

“Shaddap!” Fuse retorted, angrily pointing at the hosts. “I didn’t come here ta talk ta ya fancy pants! I just wanna watch television!”

“What’s wrong with talking to Fancypants? Fancypants will get really sad if you don’t talk to him! Heck, he’s nearly been forgotten in the official cartoon, so talk to Fancypants as much as you can. Your mom would say that too!” The host shouted.

“Nopony cares about Fancypants! Side characters can just go die in a recyclin’ bin for all I care!” Short Fuse answered, her face glowing with anger. “Just get me my television, right now!”

“There ain’t no television in here!” the same host shouted, adopting an angry expression like the rest of the hosts behind him. “If you just came here to wreck our place and spout nonsense, you’ve got another thing coming. We’re going to wreck you!”

“Aah, lame. That was seriously a lame line. Ya think ya can make yourselves believable bad guys with that?” Short Fuse asked, her eyebrows arching mockingly. “Or what, are ya gonna attack a single mare together?”

“You just destroyed part of our shop with your bare hooves! Like we’re going to play fair!” The host leader declared, and the other stallions around him nodded in unison. “We won’t be taking any chances with our revenge! Our formation shall be tighter than Yamanote Line!”

“Huh? That’s just odd,” Fuse said while frowning. “I just came here ta watch television, so why are ya gettin’ so uppity? It’s like you’re tryin’ ta cover for somethin’.”

For anypony else, such accusation would have been absurd. For Short Fuse, it was a typical interrogation.

“A-ah, no, no we aren’t,” the leader host said, his face freezing into an awkward expression. “Of course we aren’t. It’s not like we’re feeling threatened that your stupidity will expose our secret, a secret which we don’t have, of course. Why would we be thinking something like that, ahahahaha.”

The forced laugh echoed in the host club, but died rather quickly under the empty expressions of the customers and Short Fuse. Even without the input of this narrator, the group of hosts would have seemed suspicious.

“A~ah. Boss, you’re starting to spill the beans,” a sudden voice, muffled by the wall, called out to the leader host. “Have you checked your sacks lately? Judging from what I see, this is a clear case of cystitis. There’s medicine for that, you know?”

Now all the eyes were on the stallion with the golden mane, who had previously entered the club rather violently. It was not because they found what he was saying interesting; they simply found the sight of the pony, with his head completely buried into the wall, rather surreal.

“What are you talking about!?” the leader host demanded. “Just shut up, poster boy! You’re nothing but a washed up ex-host, unfit for the real work!”

“Sorry, boss, but that won’t cut it for me.” The golden-maned pony began to snicker. As he did, cracks started appearing in the wall. “If you have to call me something… at least call me a posterior booooooyyy!”

Accompanied by the yell of the stallion, the wall he was embedded in exploded outwards as the pressure put on it became too much. Pieces of concrete flew everywhere, thankfully missing all the ponies inside the building. As the stallion freed himself, rubble and dust was spread everywhere. But even amidst all the destruction, the ponies, both hosts and customers, had only one thought in their mind.

That’s even worse than a ‘poster boy’, you idioooot!

As the wall came crashing down, the stallion with the golden mane turned around, a grin spreading onto his face. His narrowed eyes were aimed straight at the host leader, and it soon became apparent why. As the wall behind the stallion crumbled down, it revealed another room right behind it; the room was not something anypony would have expected to see hidden inside a host club.

“T-that’s…” Short Fuse mumbled, her eyes widening. “That’s gotta be…”

Five large machines kept rumbling as pieces of worthless scrap metal were fed into them by conveyor belt. The large machines were full of tubes and turning wheels, and the amount of scrap metal fed into them was astonishing. The metal was pressed and molded into a round, circular shape. Finally, a spray of golden paint was applied, making the metal pieces shine, almost like real gold. Even for those ponies who had never seen these machines before, their job was clear: creating bits from scrap metal, thus making fake money at a fast rate.

In other words, it was a coining press.

“Just as I thought,” the golden maned stallion laughed. “There was no way a run-down host club like this could be making so much money, so I decided to investigate. Who would have thought that just by tearing down the props I could reveal such a goldmine.”

At this point it is probably best to mention that this grinning unicorn is named Fool’s Gold. As unbelievable as it sounds, he is supposed to be the hero of this story, despite being a good for nothing who spends most of his days in perpetual poverty and laziness. No brains, no skills, and no motivation to do anything, he is the type of protagonist most cartoons would kick out of the story at the planning stage. Alas, he is the only hero we could afford, so bear with him.

“Oi, Narrator! Just whose side are you on!?” Fool’s Gold shouted angrily.

Erm... let’s just continue, shall we?

“Well, enough about that,” Fool’s Gold chuckled menacingly and put his front hoof into his mane. “Now that I’ve busted your little illegal business, I don’t think it’s possible to get out of this without a fight. Therefore… I’ve prepared myself.”

With one swift move of his hoof, Fool’s Gold pulled something out of his mane and spun it around in the air before finally catching the handle with his mouth. The hosts around him took a step back, glaring at the foreign-looking weapon. It was rather exotic in design, nothing like the weapons seen in Equestria.

It was a jutte, a type of weapon used in Neighpon. It had a hilt like those of eastern swords, but no blade. Instead, it had an iron shaft and a hooklike guard protruding from the base. The hilt itself was covered with golden fabric, adorned with a strange flowerlike symbol. The shaft gleamed in the dim lighting of the club, as if it was trying to mimic a sword.

Brandishing the strange weapon between his teeth, Fool’s Gold sneered at the hosts.

“There may be lot of you idiots, but I think I can handle myself,” Gold said and chuckled. “After all, I’ve got my special fighting style…”

The air felt almost electrified. The hosts prepared for a brawl now that their illegal business had been exposed. Glares were thrown around like daggers, and even the tiniest spark could cause the situation to explode into an all-out fight.

However, Short Fuse was not troubled by this at all. Instead, her eyes were completely focused on Fool’s Gold as he confronted the hosts despite being vastly outnumbered.

Wow. I think I was wrong, Fuse mused. He acts like a thug, but has the eyes of a soldier. It’s like he’s the “honorable mobster type”. Almost like—

“That special fighting style being… running!”

Before any of the hosts could react to these absurd words, Fool’s Gold sprang into a gallop, and made a beeline straight out of the club. In just a span of two seconds, the stallion had fled from the fight, leaving behind nothing but an obscene, mocking laugh and a trail of dust.

Everypony else was left with their jaws open.

“Ahahahaha! Aren’t you just a bunch of nitwits!?” Fool’s Gold cackled as he charged down the streets of Canterlot’s downtown. “Like I’d stay in that rotten place! Dream on! I ain’t going to let myself be beaten up by a bunch of idiots like you! Didn’t Big Bird ever tell you to not trust adults!? Ahahaha!”

Unfortunately, Gold’s laugh was cut short, as another trail of dust started catching up to him. To his horror, he was soon muzzle to muzzle with Short Fuse, whose angry expression would have been enough to power the wave motion gun of Space Battleship Yamato. Letting out a scream that would not have been strange coming out of a mouth of a filly, Fool’s Gold tried to pick up his pace, but was unable to shake off Short Fuse.

“Oi, ya bastard! Just what do ya think you’re doin’, leavin’ me alone in there!?” Fuse growled. “I could’a been killed by those crooks, ya know!?”

“Not my problem! Musclebound idiots like you can go rot for all I care!” Gold retorted with a shout. “What I care about right now is my own hide! Just pray that those hosts didn’t start following you, and we’re safe.”

“Ah, I think it’s a bit late for that…”

Hearing the deadpan voice of Short Fuse, Fool’s Gold turned to look around over his shoulder. What he saw made him nearly trip in the middle of his run. A huge cloud of dust was chasing after them, and in it was an entire army of angry hosts, all wielding weapons and angry expressions. Gold admitted that it was the most surreal sight he had seen so far.

“Just what sort of Murder High School Host Club did you get after us!?” Gold shouted at Short Fuse. “Are you an idiot or something!?”

“You’re the idiot here, ya were the one ta reveal their dirty secrets!” Fuse shouted back. “So it’s your own fault they’re after ya!”

What transpired next was the oddest ‘parade’ that Canterlot had witnessed in some time. A huge mob of male hosts chased two ponies down the streets of Canterlot, moving closer and closer to the more populated areas. Because ponies are naturally curious creatures, the whole farce of a chase was soon joined by random citizens who wanted to see what the whole commotion was about. And so, what had started as a feud between hosts and two ponies, was turned into a citywide free-for-all run that got more chaotic with every passing minute.

“Their numbers are growing!” Gold shouted in panic, seeing the army of ponies after them. “Why are their numbers growing!?”

“I dunno,” Short Fuse grunted, and her eyes locked on to something in the distance. “But I know a way we can get rid of ‘em.”

Fool’s Gold followed Fuse’s line of sight, only to see a long and thick rope that suspended something black, white and heavy up in the air. In other words, it was the most clichéd scenario when it came to moving to a new apartment – that is, lifting the piano to the second floor.

Indeed. Short Fuse’s plan was to literally drop a piano on their chasers.

Putting two and two together, Gold was not surprised at all to see Fuse drawing her dull sword from its sheath, and aiming at the rope that suspended the piano mid-air. However, unlike Fuse, Gold had realized something very crucial about said piano.

“W-wait! Don’t cut the rope! The piano isn’t—“

The sword let out a whistling sound as it cut through the thick rope, despite the blade being absolutely dull. Gold’s pupils narrowed to pinpricks, and he cursed under his breath. Then, in a hasty move, he charged sideways, tackling Short Fuse to the side.

Just like that, the piano fell to the ground with a colossal crashing sound, right into the path that Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse had been running. In short, it would have dropped straight on top of them had they tried to continue running straight after cutting the rope.

“By Celestia, you’re too reckless,” Fool’s Gold sighed, wiping sweat from his brow. “At least nopony got hurt when that piano fell, you idiot.”

“Erm… I wouldn’t go celebratin’ yet, ya know?” Fuse said, gazing at the wreckage of the piano with a frozen expression.

Gold’s blood turned cold as he, like a clock, turned his gaze to the remnants of the piano. There, amongst the splinters of wood and destroyed metal, lay something that the stallion’s eyes did not want to recognize. There was something like a talon sticking out of the pile, reaching towards the skies. Something suspiciously censored and red seemed to seep from under the collapsed thing in the wreckage. Tufts of feathers had been scattered everywhere in a wide radius, creating a rather grim sight.

There was, simply put, a corpse of the small gryphon in the debris.

“W-what is this, Laurel and Hardy Murder!?” Fuse and Gold shouted in perfect unison.

In a total state of panic the two picked themselves up and ran up to the wreckage of the piano, looks of utter horror plastered on their faces.

“Why!? I thought this was supposed to be a feel-good comedy story!? Why is there an accidental homicide right in the first chapter!?” Gold shouted, trying to keep himself together. “Narrator, what’s going on!?”

Don’t ask me, I’m just narrating your inane adventures. Solve your own problems. Or wait for the late night forensic drama. I’m sure they’ll cover this case with pleasure for you.

“Oi, this is bad! Even the narration is against us!” Gold shouted, turning to Fuse. “What are we going to do!? That mob will catch up to us soon, too! And we seem like two total murderers here!”

“L-l-l-l-l-let’s not panic. Gotta stay calm,” Fuse said, sweating profusely. Her eyes darted everywhere, trying to find some sort of salvation. “That’s right! A doctor. We gotta find a doctor right now!”

Fool’s Gold clapped his hooves together, realizing what Short Fuse meant.

“Ooh, that’s right! We just need a doctor, and everything will be alright!” He said, looking around him. “Now, just help me find a blue police phone box and convince the pony living there that we need to go ten minutes back in time to stop—“

Gold’s ramblings were interrupted by a punch from Fuse.

“Calm down! We need ta think rationally now, don’t succumb ta delusions!” She said, grabbing the stallion by the shoulders. “I’ve got it. The best thing ta do here, in this situation, is ta…”

With a swift move, the body of the small gryphon was scooped up from the ground, thrown into the back of Short Fuse and secured with the remnants of the rope that had held the piano.

“… Get rid ’a the evidence!”

The two ponies, with the gryphon dangling from the back of Short Fuse, once again sped down the streets, galloping for their lives.

Eight hooves hit the cobblestone streets hard as the pair raced towards the city centre, hoping that they could somehow find a way to save their hides from the quickly approaching mob of hosts and various curious citizens. Buildings zoomed by as they tried to take a zig-zagging route through the many streets of Canterlot, in hopes of losing their pursuers. Unfortunately, the mob was unrelenting, and gained ground every second.

After yet another sharp turn, Fool’s Gold suddenly perked up, his eyes snapping forward in realization. Moving awkwardly, he turned to look at Short Fuse, sweating bullets as he did.

“Erm, there’s one thing I thought I should mention now,” Gold said, giving her a forced smile. “You remember those hosts chasing us?”

“How could I forget?” Short Fuse grunted. “It’s not like they’re tryin’ ta lynch us at this very moment.”

“Well, there was just something I forgot about them…” Fool’s Gold said. “… There were pegasi in that group.”

“Eh?”

As if summoned by the stallion’s words, there was suddenly the sound of angry shouts from straight above the two. The ponies stared at the sky in horror, seeing two male pegasi swooping down from the blue yonder, wearing tacky clothes that immediately revealed that they were part of the hosts. Brandishing swords in their hooves, they grinned menacingly as they approached the ponies.

“Armed pegasi hosts?” Short Fuse growled at the sight. “Just what sort ‘a seedy underbelly does Canterlot have!?”

“It’s like the underbelly of a stepfather. You know, the type that really doesn’t bother you until you go to a public spa with him, and realize just how rotten said underbelly is,” Gold answered, gulping hard at the sight of the pegasi.

“Just what sort ‘a sick underbelly is that!? Apologize ta stepfathers everywhere right now!” Fuse shouted in retort.

She might have meant to say more, but just at that moment, the pegasi swept in and closed the distance between them, their swords gleaming.

“You should have stayed out of our business, little ponies!” the other pegasus shouted. “Now you’ll pay the price! Prepare to die!”

Fool’s Gold screamed like a little filly as the host swung his sword. A clashing sound reverberated through the streets, and sparks scattered in the air. Short Fuse felt something squirm on her back, which added to the growing confusion. For a moment, the ponies could see and hear nothing but wild flailing and chaotic sounds. Nopony had any idea what was going on, as the supposed fight turned into a mess of limbs and pastel-colored fur.

The one to bring order to that situation was a completely new voice.

“… Are you trying to cut into my naptime?”

To everypony’s growing confusion, the feathered deadweight at Fuse’s back had suddenly moved, and was now talking. The small gryphon had extended her talon to catch the striking blade, completely stopping the attack in its tracks. Her red feathers fluttered in the wind, and a pair of yellow eyes were aimed straight at the pegasus who had attacked. It would have been menacing had the gryphon not looked like she was about to nod off at any second.

“… You’re not dead?” Fool’s Gold asked in confusion. The whole chase seemed to have come to an awkward stop for the moment. “H-how? We saw your blood and everything!?”

“My dad. He was a hippogriff. Means I’m strong. Kinda,” the gryphon spoke. “… and that red. It was my lunch. Lots of ketchup. Now, it’s gone.”

The mere mention of her destroyed lunch seemed to put the gryphon into a state of depression.

“W-what’s with this telegram speak?” Short Fuse asked, frowning confusedly at the gryphon on her back. “Just what sort ‘a weirdo did we pick up?”

Nopony answered her. Everypony was just as flabbergasted as she was. It was as if every one of them had received a simultaneous sucker punch in a form of a weird gryphon fledgling: one that seemed to be in a perpetual state of drowsiness, if anything could be judged by her half-closed eyes.

“Anyways. You were about to hit them. The two who saved me. I was hit by an out-of-bounds piano,” The gryphon said, looking at the two pegasi with something akin to a frown. “I’m Ambra. Of hippogriff lineage. I won’t let anypony hurt my saviors. Got that?”

At this point, both Short Fuse and Fool’s Gold were shaking like leaves in autumn. After all, if it was revealed that they were the ones who had dropped the piano in the first place, the situation would make a magnificent U-turn into awkward and nasty. The gryphon known as Ambra didn’t seem to be type to understand mistakes.

It should be noted at this point that Ambra is the third of the main characters of this story. A lazy to the bones gryphon who has been drifting from job to job for quite a while now. She is the enemy of narrators everywhere, thanks to the fact that characters like her never show very many emotions.

“—Problem?” Ambra asked, glaring at the sky.

L-Let’s focus back on the story. This narrator wants to keep his skin intact.

“In any case, you tried to hurt them,” Ambra murmured and switched her gaze back to the pegasi. “That means you need punishment. Here.”

Switching her position a little, Ambra brought forth a little mailbag that she had been carrying on a strap that went over her shoulder. She stuck her talon inside, and started rummaging through the contents, before finally fishing out a sizeable package. The brown paper on the package seemed rather dull, and there was nothing special about it. Still, the gryphon lazily threw the thing at the pegasi, who caught it while wearing confused expressions.

“That package was sent to the Canterlot Castle,” Ambra explained. “Today is Tuesday. Which means it must be ticking. It’s yours now.”

The two pegasi hosts looked at the package for a moment, before bursting into mocking laughter.

“What, are you saying this is a bomb? Nice try, kid!” one of the pegasi laughed and threw the package away. It landed far behind them, almost hitting a trash can. “As if in this modern world somepony would send mail bombs to Prin—“

The rest of the pegasus’ words were cut off by a huge explosion that shook the whole street.

While the faces of the ponies turned into those of shock and horror, Ambra seemed to remain calm. Finding a piece of steak from her lunch in her crest of feathers, she idly munched on the destroyed food while the ponies tried to come into grips with the fact that all this time, they had been in the vicinity of a bomb that could have blown them straight into the sky.

Out of the flabbergasted ponies, Fool’s Gold was the first one to speak.

“Oiiii! Why was there really a bomb there!? What sort of Bomberman are you supposed to be!?” he shouted at Ambra. “Unabomber!? Are you the Unabomber!?”

“No,” Ambra calmly retorted. “My friends call me Unobomber.”

“That just means you suck at card games, idiot!”

As Gold tried to make some sense out of the absurd situation, Short Fuse realized something. While they been frozen for some moments due to the bomb exploding near them, the pegasi who had been chasing them were now nowhere to be seen. There were only two vaguely pony-shaped figures in the distant sky, escaping from the scene as fast as they could.

“Hm. Looks like we don’t have ta worry about ‘em,” Fuse said and chuckled. “Ya two actually managed ta drive ‘em off. Not bad.”

“Not bad? Do I need to remind you we’ve got a whole mob still after us?” Fool’s Gold asked, frowning at the mare. “We need a place to hide, quick!”

“A warehouse. Over there,” Ambra suddenly said, and pointed at a building close by. “We can hide there.”

The ponies quickly saw what the gryphon had meant, and they raced towards the large building made out of white stone. It seemed unassuming enough, hidden in the plain sight. Hiding in a place that did not differ from its surroundings at all was the best choice they had at that moment. Thus, both Fool’s Gold and Short Fuse broke the 400 meter sprint record as they raced to the entrance of the warehouse. When they got there, they saw that the place had been locked up tighter than Russell Crowe’s when singing.

It was nothing a good kick couldn’t solve, however.

Only after they had made it to the darkness inside the building did the ponies calm down. Fuse started untying the ropes that held Ambra at her back while Gold quickly closed the doors to not leave marks of their presence.

“So, ya were Ambra, huh?” Short Fuse asked as she helped the gryphon fledgling down from her back. “I’m Short Fuse, a former Royal Guard. Nice ta meet ya, Ambra.”

“Former Royal Guard? Why am I not surprised?” Fool’s Gold asked with a deadpan expression, having finished his work with the doors. “What did you do? Beat your instructors for taping over the VHS of your favorite soap opera? Shake lunch money out of Guard Whimper, you delinquent?”

“As if! An’ who’s Guard Whimper!? An’ more than that, nopony uses VHS anymore!” Short Fuse shouted in anger. “It was a DVD, DVD! An’ what he recorded there was a nature documentary, about elephants! The regular Colonel Hathi type!”

“Eh, that’s the part you get angry about!?” Gold retorted in confusion.

There was an awkward moment as the yells of the two echoed in the dark warehouse. After taking few seconds to calm down, the two finally relaxed. Fool’s Gold, scratching the back of his head, put away the jutte he had been carrying, hiding it in his mane. Giving a rather awkward expression, Fool’s Gold finally offered his hoof to Short Fuse.

“Enough about that. Anyways, I’m Fool’s Gold. The former number one host of Manehattan, currently working as a freelancer,” he said, introducing himself. “I had been hired to look for the source of the strange money going around Canterlot, and I tracked it down to that rundown host club. Thanks to you, I finally found where they had hidden their illegal business.”

Short Fuse looked at the extended hoof for one confused moment, before finally taking it and shaking it. She flashed a rare smile, nodding to the stallion.

“Don’t sweat it. I’m just doin’ what I do best,” Fuse answered.

“What’s that? Practicing domestic violence on innocent ponies?” Fool’s Gold asked, having clearly not forgotten what had happened when they first met.

“Nooow, why would ya say somethin’ like that?” Short Fuse asked with a dangerously sweet smile, her hoof suddenly putting crushing pressure on Gold’s hoof. “Are ya tryin’ ta imply somethin’ unpleasant?”

“N-no, I’m not, no ma’am.”

“Hey, you two,” Ambra spoke up. “Problem. Big one.”

“Huh, what problem?” Gold asked, raising an eyebrow. “I mean, we’re well hidden in this warehouse. It’s not like they will find us here.”

“They don’t have to,” Ambra said with a deadpan expression, pointing to the other end of the warehouse. “It’s theirs.”

A surprised “Huh?” was the sound that came out of the mouths of the ponies.

Suddenly, bright lights flashed on all around the ceiling. The group was momentarily blinded by the sudden increase in lighting, coming from all sides. As their eyes started to adjust, they began to see what was truly around them. Rows upon rows of boxes were stacked up against the walls, throwing imposing shadows around the warehouse, thanks to the lights. There were also lots of open boxes scattered around, their contents shining with golden color as light was reflected from them. The smells of metal, oil and various paint fumes hung in the air, becoming a combination the group recognized too late.

What made the group of two ponies and one gryphon sweat in a horror of realization was the gigantic machine right in the middle of the warehouse. Huge tubes ran across its surface, while a ridiculously large conveyor belt fed wave after wave of scrap metal into its depths. The machine roared once and came to life. What followed was a wave of heat from the furnace inside it, the sound of the metal press that came afterwards, and clouds of golden color finished the job.

“… It might be foolish to hope that the thing I see is a real-life Anywhere Door,” Gold asked slowly while staring at the piece of machinery.

“The only Doraemon who would build somethin’ like that would have been created by Skynet,” Fuse answered. “Then again, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“’Nobi Nobita. Come with me if you want to live’? Sounds good?” Ambra asked, tilting her head.

“No, it sounds horrifying,” Fool’s Gold concluded.

“Have you had quite enough? Your inane banter is starting to get boring,” a voice shouted from the edges of the warehouse. The group turned to face this new speaker. “To be honest, this whole incident you’ve created has been nothing but a bore.”

There, behind the gigantic machine, stood a group of ponies that could be only described with one word: crooks. While the majority of ponies, what with their scars, their suits, and their slicked back manes, looked just like normal thugs, their leader seemed different. He was an older stallion with a brown mane that had already started to turn gray, a receding maneline, and even his fancy pinstripe suit could not cover the fact that he had gathered quite the stomach during his years. His tiny eyes were locked on the group, and a menacing smile appeared on his face.

“To think you were fools enough to waltz right into our headquarters! How unlucky for you!” the fat stallion laughed. “My little ponies will take care of you, right here and now. Maybe in tomorrow’s news we will see a story about two ponies and a gryphon found sleeping with the fishes.”

“Scandal story?” Ambra asked, tilting her head.

“No! It means I’m going to kill you, you birdbrain!” the leader shouted. “I am, after all, Money Talks: the most famous crime lord in Canterlot.”

“Never heard of you,” Fool’s Gold immediately said.

“Me neither,” Fuse added. Right after her, Ambra nodded.

“Who?”

“By Celestia you’re an annoying bunch of ponies!” Money Talks said, grinding his teeth together. “But no matter! Once you’ve been dealt with, I can use this machine here to throw the economy of Equestria into total chaos. Then I can appear as a savior to the ponies of this kingdom, becoming a hero to everyone! I’ll be lorded, I’ll be lavished with praise, I’ll be surrounded by beautiful mares! And it’s all thanks to this piece of art right here: The Monetary Miracle~! The fastest counterfeiting machine there is!”

“Uah, he actually named it just like in Doraemon,” Short Fuse said, taking a step back. “Just what sort ‘a crime lord uses a children’s cartoon as a basis for his evil plans?”

“I didn’t use it as a basis for anything! I just like the series, that’s all!” Money Talks shouted. He took a few quick breaths, calming himself down, before looking at the thugs at his side. “Alright, this has gone on quite long enough. It’s time we got rid of these idiots.”

“An’ how are ya goin’ ta do that? Do ya really think we’ll go down without a fight?” Fuse growled, drawing her sword. “Ya bastard, your thugs are goin’ down.”

“Hah! As if!” Money Talks said and raised his eyebrows mockingly. “There is a small army of us here! No matter how powerful you are, you’re vastly outnumbered. And that’s why… huh? Wait. Where’s that golden-maned idiot?”

Both Short Fuse and Ambra looked around them, in confusion. Just like them, the thugs started scanning the warehouse for any signs of Fool’s Gold. However, it seemed like the stallion had completely disappeared from the place. The doors had not been opened, so he had not escaped outside. For one short-lived moment, everypony was completely focused on looking for the stallion that they forgot about something else in the room.

At least until they heard the sound of the flint wheel of a lighter.

Turning their gazes towards the source of the sound, the ponies ended up staring at the top of the huge machine in the center of the room. There, they saw the familiar golden-maned stallion lighting a cigarette and bringing it to his lips. The unicorn used his telekinesis to put away the gold colored lighter, hiding in it his mane. With his right hoof, he was grasping his jutte, twirling it around like it was a toy.

Realizing that all of the attention was on him now, Fool’s Gold grinned down at Money Talks and his thugs.

“You were taking your sweet time, so I thought I’d spice things up a bit, Doraemoney,” Gold said and snickered. Taking a drag off his cigarette, he blew a cloud of smoke in the air. “You said this was the greatest money counterfeiting machine in all of Equestria, right? Capable of producing fake bits at amazing speeds, right?”

“Of course!” Money Talks answered, frowning in anger. “It was created by me, after all! So get down here right now! I don’t want you breaking anything!”

“Now, now, don’t get your stomach upset because of me,” Fool’s Gold laughed, eyeing the machine under him.

While neither Short Fuse nor Ambra had any idea what the many levers, pipes, wheels and buttons on top of the machine did, it seemed that Gold knew what he was looking for.

“You see, I’m an aspiring business pony myself, and I’ve always wanted to start an economic boom,” Gold said, bringing forth his jutte, and aiming at a very specific part of the machine. “Not only that, but the words ‘stock market crash’ have this great ring to them, don’t they?”

At this point, it started to dawn upon Money Talks just what Fool’s Gold was about to do. The crime lord started sweating bullets, and his face was filled with panic. Waving his hooves, he tried to calm the stallion on the top of the machine down.

“No! No, no, no, no! Just calm down, calm down!” Money Talks shouted. “You don’t want to do that! You really don’t! If you do that, you’ll get yourself killed too, you know! So just step down from there. We can solve this like civilized ponies, right? Right!?”

What he got as an answer was the most ridiculous grin that the cigarette-smoking stallion could produce.

“Noooope!” Fool’s Gold laughed. “You see, I’m an excellent surfer. And more than that… you’re threatening the ponies of Canterlot with your twisted plans. No, not even that. You’re threatening those two who have nothing to do with this whole business.”

Fool’s Gold suddenly pointed at Short Fuse and Ambra. His eyes narrowed in anger as he gazed down at Money Talks.

“I don’t know how you scum of Canterlot do things around here, but let me tell you this!” Fool’s Gold shouted, and brought his jutte up high, ready to strike it down. “Us scum of Manehattan have honor!”

Accompanied by his yell, Gold brought his jutte down in a magnificent arc, striking straight into the controls of the gigantic money counterfeiting machine. The machine started crackling with electricity, short explosions happening everywhere. The conveyor belt began speeding up, and more and more of scrap metal was fed inside. Producing more and more fake bits, the inner chambers of the machine started swelling up like a balloon as the metal gave up under the pressure.

It was at that moment that Short Fuse realized something. When she had first seen Fool’s Gold, she had thought him to be more than a thug, but less than a soldier: something like a honorable mobster, or perhaps a vigilante. But now she started realizing that the stallion wasn’t any of those things. No, he was something far worse, something far better, and something far more dangerous to the evildoers around him. After all, he was…

“… A complete idiot,” Short Fuse whispered, and grinned.

With a whistling sound like that of a teapot, the machine announced that the pressure had become too much. Under the horrified gazes of Money Talks and his thugs, it exploded outwards with fury, spreading fake bits everywhere. Tidal waves of money spread out to all directions, filling the whole warehouse to the brim in the matter of seconds. Before the force of these metallic waves, the mobsters could not do anything but to scream in horror as they were swept away by the tides of currency and smashed against the walls of the warehouse.

Unfortunately, the amount of fake bits was too much for even the warehouse. With a thunderous sound, the warehouse exploded under the pressure, adding to the golden waves the bits that had already been prepared and packed into the crates.

In the span of few seconds, wave after wave of golden coins burst out of the warehouse, filling the nearby streets.

“Fuse! Ambra! Hold on tight!”

A shout from above caught the attention of Short Fuse and Ambra, who themselves were struggling to stay above the waves. Looking up, they saw something that made their jaws drop in amazement. Using one of the metal plates that had separated from the machine during the explosion, Fool’s Gold rode the tides of currency like a true surfer, rushing to rescue the two.

“Catch on!” Gold shouted, balancing himself with only his hind legs, and extending his free hooves to the two.

Sweeping past the two, the stallion caught ahold of the mare and the gryphon, pulling them above the waves. With a wild grin on his face, he then proceeded to surf out of the destroyed building and into the streets. The sunlight greeted them like an old friend, making the metallic waves under them sparkle like real gold. He took some speed by riding the side of the wave, before shooting up from the crest of golden tide, gaining amazing hang time.

“Hah! You’re not half bad, fool!” Short Fuse laughed. Ambra, hanging on to Gold’s other hoof, nodded.

“Regular Duke Kahanamoku,” the gryphon said.

“Heh. Don’t go celebrating just yet,” Fool’s Gold said. “There’s still one problem left.”

“Hmh? What’s that?” Short Fuse asked.

After a while of silence as they flew through the air, Fool’s Gold gave the two an awkward smile, a hint of apology shining on his face.

“… I have no idea how I’m holding on to you two with just my hooves.”

There was a great, long moment of silence. It was finally broken as the physics caught up to the trio, and both Short Fuse and Ambra fell down into the wave of fake bits, leaving Gold gliding through the air alone.

“You idioooooot!”

Short Fuse’s yell echoed in the streets, before the mare was swallowed up by the bits.

****

“I’m telling you, officer. It wasn’t my fault. I was simply stopping these crooks. I should be given a medal or something!”

“Tell that to the ponies whose house that tsunami of fake bits destroyed. There’s nopony to back your crazy tale, you know?”

Under the orange light of the descending sun, two figures could be seen arguing near the destroyed warehouse. One was Fool’s Gold, sucking on his cigarette in annoyance. The other was an equally-annoyed police officer, clearly itching to put cuffs on the golden-maned stallion and being done with the crazy case.

Nearby, the other officers were leading the arrested crooks, along with Money Talks, into an armored carriage. Apparently there had been enough evidence to prove that they had been behind everything, and thus justice had been served. That only left Fool’s Gold, who was blamed for the massive amounts of property damage that had been caused to the residential district of Canterlot.

Watching this chaotic epilogue to a crazy day from the sidelines were Short Fuse and Ambra. The pony and the gryphon were sitting on a big piece of debris that had fallen from a destroyed house. The light of the sun dyed them both orange, just like everything else it touched. The two of them looked roughed up, but just like the thugs, they had survived the tidal wave of fake bits, no thanks to Fool’s Gold.

“Ya know… This ain’t what I planned on doin’ today, after I was kicked out ‘a the Guard,” Short Fuse finally said, breaking the silence between the two. “I even missed the rerun of Emmermane. Just ‘cuz I got dragged along by that that crazy stallion, endin’ up in this whole mess. The only good thing is that we ain’t blamed for this.”

“Same. Didn’t want this,” Ambra answered, in her usual minimalistic style. “I was a letter carrier. Today, last chance. If I didn’t handle delivery good, they’d fire me. And they did. I didn’t deliver a single letter.”

“So, you’re in the same boat as me, huh?” Fuse asked, and sighed. “Sheez… all ‘cuz ‘a one idiotic stallion. Just how much trouble did he intend ta cause?”

To the mare’s surprise, Ambra suddenly chuckled a bit. It was a quiet, almost unnoticeable sound, but it definitely happened.

“I don’t mind,” the gryphon said, and flashed a smile. “It was fun. Really fun. Wouldn’t mind doing it again.”

“Ya know…” Short Fuse started, scratching the back of her head, before finally giving a wide, idiotic grin that echoed that which Fool’s Gold had shown earlier. “I feel the same way. Today was better than any day in the Guard. I’ve never had ‘dis much fun before.”

In a silent agreement, the two of them stood up and headed forward. They slowly walked over to the spot where the police carriage had been parked. Before said carriage, Fool’s Gold and the male officer were still arguing, though it started to look like the golden-maned stallion had no way out of this trouble. Chuckling a bit, Short Fuse snuck behind Gold, before putting her front leg around his shoulder, and smiling at the officer.

“Ah, don’t worry, officer,” Fuse said. “This guy is tellin’ the truth. He was just protectin’ the city, that’s all. He ain’t responsible for the damage that was caused.”

“—Mm. She’s right.” Ambra nodded. “We’re witnesses.”

“Is that so?” the officer asked, scratching his chin with his hoof. “Well, if you’re really vouching for his innocence, I guess I’ll believe it. But really, next time, stay out of trouble like this. If we see you involved in an incident with massive property damage again, you’ll be thrown in jail.”

“U-understood, officer,” Fool’s Gold answered, sweating bullets. “Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid.”

And with that, the officer heaved a sigh and left the trio. They watched him make his way to the carriage, where he started discussing with the other police officers about what to do with the arrested thugs. From the sound of it, it looked like they would not be even given a trial, given all of the evidence against them.

It was a moment of silence – a breather for the trio that had been through a lot that day. They could finally relax and not worry about what had transpired.

It was Short Fuse who finally broke that silence.

“Hah. Ya really think ya won’t be doin’ anythin’ stupid in the future?” she asked from Fool’s Gold. “Somehow I doubt that.”

“Hey, it’s not like I look for trouble because I want to,” Gold answered, frowning at the mare. “I’m just trying to get by in the world, and make some money while I’m at it.”

“Oh, that reminds me: I’m unemployed at the moment,” Fuse said, before raising her eyebrows meaningfully at Ambra.

“Me too. I was fired,” Ambra said, looking far too happy to be saying those words.

“S-so? What does that have to do with me?” Gold asked, his eyes narrowing as the aim of the two began to dawn upon him.

“So, we were thinkin’… You’re a freelancer, right?” Fuse asked, grinning. “Do ya think ya have free spots in your team?”

There was a moment of silence that stretched for over ten seconds. Finally, heaving a big sigh, Fool’s Gold hung his head in defeat. Bracing himself, he lifted his head, giving one last look at the destroyed warehouse before looking back at the mare and the gryphon.

Finally, he returned the grin that Short Fuse had shown him.

“With your credentials? You bet.”

And so, under the setting sun, in the residential district of Canterlot, the unlikeliest of teams had been born. One was a former host down on his luck, another a former guard with anger management problems, and the third was a former letter carrier with the motivation of a sloth. All of them were unemployed, and all were in need of money.

And all idiots in one way or another.

So it is with these thoughts and these words that our first chapter ends. Not with heroic fanfare or tragic death, but with the realization that no matter how weird life gets, you can bet that you will find kindred spirits in the midst of all that chaos.

Then, till the next time.

This narrator is in a need of a drink.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 1: End

In the seats of an otherwise empty movie theater, two mares stared at silver-screen. The story had just ended, and the whole place was now completely dark, with the exception of the single light in the corner where the “EXIT” sign was displayed. Giving an exaggerated sigh, the Maya Blue mare on the left stuck her hoof into the popcorn she had brought with her, before throwing some into her mouth. Her friend, a mare with ivory coat and pink mane mimicked her, and soon the both of them were munching on popcorn, their cheeks full.

“Well, just look at that,” Minuette said and pointed at the screen. “Seems like they really went far with the whole allusion to economic boom.”

“Fitting for something that was made in hopes of a few quick bits,” Twinkleshine agreed. “Shameful, shameful I say!”

“That’s what I keep telling you,” Minuette said, nodding vigorously. “Fanfiction nowadays is nothing but big words, violence, double entendre and poor jokes, topped with loud bangs, booms and crashes.”

“Oh, I dunno,” Twinkleshine said and smiled deviously. “I kinda like those crashes, Minuette. Do you know which one was my favorite?”

“Well?”

“The crash of Hasbro’s stock after this story was found by the public.”

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”

Chapter 3: First impressions last only to the point where you go have a drink together.

All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 3
First impressions last only to the point where you go have a drink together.

Bathed in the clear light of the sun, De Wallen Street looked nothing like it did during night. The very inconvenient canal that ran through the middle of the main street divided the two sides of the street, and during nighttime, the few bridges that cross said canal were always clogged up with ponies and other creatures. Now, as midday neared, there were considerably less folk around.

It might have had something to do with the alluring red lights that had been turned off, and that there was nopony in the windows that spotted the facades of the many houses. This was the time for the residents of the street, not for the tourists and the locals who tried to hide their vices as well as Berlusconi had hidden his.

There were many types of residents the street had. Most were harmless enough, if weird in their own rights. One type however was especially dangerous. A prime example of this type was just walking down a small alley that ran between the old buildings.

This was the type of stallion that the locals referred to as “wisecolts.” Dressed up in a pinstripe suit and wearing a fedora, the scowling stallion had a gait of somepony who enjoyed scaring others. His lit cigarette hung lazily from his lips as a sign of not paying attention to his surroundings.

Maybe that was why he slightly bumped the golden-maned stallion walking the alley to opposite direction.

“Watch where you’re going, bucko,” the suited up stallion grunted.

“Ah, sorry about that,” the coffee-colored stallion apologized. “I didn’t mean to do that. What I meant to do was… Thiiiiiis!”

As soon as the yell had left the golden-maned stallion’s lips, he swung his jutte down in a heavy arc, holding the weapon between his teeth. The jutte collided painfully with the head of the wisecolt, sending him crashing to the ground. The surprised yell of the suited up stallion was cut short as his muzzle met the cobblestone street at high-speed.

“Oh! Sorry ‘bout that! It looked like somepony had put a turd on your head, but it looks like it was just your hat!” the stallion laughed. “So sorry! About your fashion sense!”

You’re the one whose fashion sense we should feel sorry about, you Boost ‘r Gold.

“Shut up, Narrator!” the stallion shouted. “Gold is great! Gold means money, and money means riches! So gold it is.”

Heaving a tired sigh, the stallion spat out the jutte from his mouth and caught it with his hoof. Then, swiping the mane away from his face, he straightened to his full height.

“And stop with that obfuscation already! The readers already know it’s me!” he shouted. “Everypony’s number one hero: Fool’s Gold!”

Sorry. For a while, I wanted to pretend that we had gotten a hero who was actually worth something.

“Y-you bastard…” the wisecolt, who had been lying on the ground until now, suddenly groaned. “Do you know who you just attacked…? You’ll pay for this, I’ll see to it!”

“Oiiiii, what’s goin’ on here!?” An angry yell echoed from the main street as two creatures, one pony and one gryphon, rushed to the alley.

“Ah, crap!” Gold shouted in shock, backing away from the two.

As the two got closer, it became immediately clear who they were. Both Short Fuse and Ambra had dressed up in similar clothing as the wisecolt still flattened against the ground. They had even gotten fake moustaches from somewhere, though the moustaches made them look more like famous plumber brothers than actually part of the “Family”.

“Joey! Joey! Did ‘dat punk hit ya bad?” Fuse nearly shouted as she rushed to the mobster’s side. “Joey! Talk ta me!”

“W-what the hell!? Who are you!?” The wisecolt asked in growing confusion. “And who’s Joey!?”

“You,” Ambra answered and poked the stallion in his still bleeding head. “Joey the Snuggles. So? Are you okay?”

Unfortunately, because her poke had caused the blood to flow even faster, Ambra was suddenly entranced by it. After about twenty fast pokes, the flow had become more akin to a high-pressure fountain than anything else.

“There ain’t such an idiotic sounding stallion in our group! And it’s definitely not me! I’m One Ear!” The stallion retorted. He then swatted Ambra’s claw away in a panic. “And stop poking me! Despite asking if I’m okay, you’re really into making my situation worse, aren’t you!?”

Despite One Ear’s yells getting louder, Short Fuse adopted an apologetic expression, as if witnessing somepony dying in her hooves.

“Dangit! I can’t save ya, Joey, ya know that!” Fuse cried out. “But I can at least listen ta your final words. But only if they are ‘bout who is blackmailin’ a hostess livin’ in Yoshiwara Street.”

In the background, Ambra switched on the boombox she had found from somewhere only for them to hear the wailing singing of Nick Van Eede resonate from within it.

“I told you I’m One Ear! Look, I even got one ear! And what’s with that suspiciously specific interest!?” One Ear shouted, getting more and more confused. “And somepony stop that damn bird! We can’t afford royalties for that song! Even if it is cornily fitting!”

“Joey, c’mon, ya gotta tell me!” Fuse repeated. “Before ya take your last breath!”

“I ain’t telling you anything!” One Ear answered, frowning heavily. “Who are you creatures, anyho—“

That was as far as the wisecolt got. After all, what replaced his normal voice was a high-pitched screech, caused by Fool’s Gold’s hoof landing straight on the mobster’s nether regions at what was probably supersonic speed. The glare of the gold-maned stallion was something to behold, too.

“Hey. Bastard. We put on this whole show so you could spill the beans nice and easy. Why are you trying to make it harder? Why aren’t you spilling those beans? Why are you instead turning them into methane gas at a rapid rate?” Gold drilled into the stallion with his questions. “We’re trying to be reasonable here, see?”

“H-H-H-How… How is this reasonable!?” One Ear squeaked as Fool’s Gold applied more pressure with his hoof.

“You. Be reasonable too,” Ambra chimed in, and lifted her claw to poke the wound of the stallion once more. “Like, reason and able. We need the info. You can reason from there.”

“It was that kind of ‘reasonable’!?”

As Ambra poked the wound one more time, the amount of blood became something like an assault weapon, striking the gryphon straight into the face and sending her hurtling down the alley. It was also enough for the mobster, as he passed out immediately, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.

Fool’s Gold heaved an annoyed sigh.

“So this one’s no good either? Such a troublesome lot, these mobsters,” he said. “This is the seventh already…”

“Erm… Mr. Gold? Are you sure this is the right way to go about your investigation?” A voice asked as a green mare entered the alley, looking rather horrified.

Maccha had been accompanying the trio during their “investigation”, but the longer it continued, the more she started losing hope that they were taking it seriously at all. In fact, their methods seemed to become more and more absurd every time they caught another wisecolt.

Hearing Maccha’s question, Fool’s Gold shook his head and turned to look at the mare.

“We’re not at fault here, you know? I keep waiting for the options of ‘Truth,’ ‘Doubt’ and ‘Lie’ to appear, but there’s been nothing so far. Even though I keep pressing Square the whole time I’m talking, it does nothing,” he answered.

“I pressed a button. Circle. You know. The red one. Red like blood,” Ambra informed from down the alley, still lying on her back having not moved from where she had been thrown by the pressure jet.

“So that’s what the poking thing was?” Maccha asked, looking somewhat squeamish. “No, before that, there’s no ‘Blood’ option from the very start!”

“Now, now, don’t get caught up in the small details, Miss,” Gold assured Maccha and put his front right leg around her shoulders. “We’ll clear this for you, don’t worry.”

“Just be glad ya were a pretty mare,” Short Fuse grunted to Maccha. “If ya looked like the regular customers of Empress, he’d have abandoned your quest in a heartbeat.”

“S-sure…” Maccha fidgeted a bit, looking rather uncomfortable because of this revelation. “I’ll be… glad about it.”

Fool’s Gold spat at the ground, using his magic to take out another cigarette and lighting it up. He then put it to his lips and took a deep drag before puffing out a considerable cloud of smoke. The grey wisps travelled ever upwards, and the eyes of the stallion followed their play.

“We ain’t getting anywhere like this. Besides, I’m getting hungry. Let’s hold a break and think about our tactics,” Gold said and turned to look at Ambra. “Get up, you featherbrain. It’s dinner time.”

Together, the four creatures headed out of the alley, leaving behind the unconscious stallion who had been put through too much in too short an amount of time.

Out in the main street of De Wallen, they followed Fool’s Gold’s lead. The stallion seemed to know exactly where he was going. He crossed a bridge, taking them to the other side, before heading towards the other end of the district. The amount of ponies and other creatures started to grow the closer they got the district’s border. Amongst these normal citizens were ponies dressed the same way that their latest victim had been. Still, even though Short Fuse grew more and more nervous, Fool’s Gold seemed to think nothing of it. He even nonchalantly used his jutte to pick his nose, as if nothing was wrong.

Eventually, they stopped in front of a small restaurant right at the edge of the canal. Wonderful aromas floated from inside, and they could hear cheerful chatter resonate from within the establishment. Putting away his jutte, Gold opened the door and stepped in, raising his left front hoof in a greeting.

“Yo, Pops. I came to eat again,” he announced. “A table for four, please.”

“A’igh,” an old-looking stallion behind the counter said. He then turned to yell to a nearby pony. “Hey, part-timer! Get these four a table!”

“Please, follow me.” The part-timer nodded to the group.

He led them to a corner of the restaurant, to a table that was just big enough to accommodate them all. As the four had sat down, the stallion took four menus from the nearby table, handing them over to the group. While Short Fuse, Ambra and Maccha immediately started going over the menus, Fool’s Gold kept staring at the part-timer.

“Wordwise. I was hoping you’d be here,” Gold said to the waiter, arching an eyebrow.

The pegasus stallion standing next to the table chuckled. He cracked his neck, allowing his long, blue mane to swish back and forth, creating a perfect contrast with his lemon-colored coat. Standing there, wearing a bow tie and a black vest, he seemed like nothing more than your typical underpaid part-timer who wanted nothing more than to punch their boss’ teeth in.

“Isn’t that always the case, Goldie? Well, what’s the problem this time? Some job again?” Wordwise asked.

“W-wait. Wordwise?” Short Fuse’s head jolted up, hearing the name of the waiter. “As in, the former member of the Wonderbolts… That Wordwise!?”

“Yeah. This idiot’s the former star,” Fool’s Gold said while stumping his cigarette on an ashtray. “However, he’s got this nasty compulsive need to find out all the secrets he can. You can imagine that didn’t go well with the female members of the team.”

“That didn’t mean that Spitfire had to literally spit fire in my direction. I walked around with a natural perm for the next two months,” Wordwise said and sighed. “But, how about you order first, and we’ll talk while you eat? The spaghetti of this place is especially good.”

After taking the orders of the group, Wordwise headed towards the kitchen. He disappeared behind the doors, leaving the four to themselves. All around them, both the customers and the waiters seemed to be making an awful lot of racket. They argued, laughed, told exaggerated stories, and seemed to be having a good time. However, one thing in this felt weird for Short Fuse.

“Sorry, but… Ain’t this restaurant a bit wrong? I mean, spaghetti? An’ this environment?” She asked. “Don’t ya think this clashes a bit with the culture of the actual street?”

“Now, now, don’t think too hard about it,” Fool’s Gold assured her. “Sure, the street was originally purely Canterlot style, but since the wisecolts are in charge these days, it’s changed. Nowadays, even Luigi would feel right at home here, and could drown his sorrows in the local bars. It’s not easy being the second-best, after all.”

“Show a little respect for Luigi!” Short Fuse reprimanded him. “He ain’t got it easy, ya know!?”

Before the two could delve any deeper into their absurd argument, they were cut short by Wordwise returning carrying multiple plates with his wings.

“Here are your orders. One Trenetto al Pesto, one Fettucine all’Alfredo, one Spaghetti Aglio e Oglio…” Wordwise gave the dishes to Short Fuse, Ambra and Maccha respectively. “… and one Rigatoni alla Carbonara.”

As the last plate was put in front of hungry-looking Fool’s Gold, Fuse nearly spat out the water she had been drinking.

“W-wait a damn minute!” She shouted, pointing at the plate. “That’s meat, right!? You’re seriously eatin’ meat! What the heck, we’re herbivores, ain’t we!? What’s up with that, then!?”

“What are you talking about, Fuse?” Gold asked, already digging into his pasta. “Meat contains many nutrients that are necessary for one’s body. It’s not good to eat only vegetables and the like.”

“It is for ponies!”

As it became clear that Short Fuse’s protests were falling on deaf ears, the mare had no choice but to try to ignore the plate of the stallion next to her. For a while, the four focused completely on eating, as it had been a while since their last meal. Wordwise humbly stayed beside them, waiting for them to finish. Occasionally he kept eyeing at the other customers of the restaurant, but always turned his gaze back at the four.

“So… As you probably guessed, I need your help,” Fool’s Gold finally said to Wordwise, having finished the pasta. “Specifically, I need your knowledge about the local mobsters.”

“Ya sure Wordwise knows? He looks kinda worthless,” Short Fuse asked, and Ambra nodded next to her.

“Like a sock. Unwashed for a week.”

“You sure picked some interesting companions, Goldie,” Wordwise said while trying to fake a laugh. “However, I can assure you that I am not all talk. For example, let’s see… You, Short Fuse, were once suspended from active duty because you inserted your sword vertically into the posterior of your superior after he took away the television in the female barracks.”

Short Fuse looked shocked, as if lightning had struck her.

“And you, Ambra…” Wordwise continued, “Once halted the entire postal service of Canterlot after you fell asleep on-duty and your drool seeped into the printing press, causing it to overload.”

A similiar verbal thunderbolt seemed to strike the gryphon, as she followed the example set by Short Fuse earlier.

“Ahahaha… quite impressive, Mr. Wordwise,” Maccha hurried to intervene. “But, could we… talk about the current case?”

“Yeah. Let’s stick to the matter at hoof. You see, this lady here has a bit of a problem.” Fool’s Gold pointed at Maccha. “Apparently somepony has knowledge about her former relationship with that bigwig aristocrat, High Hopes. And now they demand 20,000 bits, or they’ll reveal the whole thing, destroying both the career of High Hopes and this mare’s reputation. The whole thing stinks of the work of this street’s mafia.”

Wordwise squinted his eyes, leaning to the wall while he thought. Finally, after a few seconds had passed, he began talking.

“… I don’t believe it’s the work of the mafia. You see, the local mafia is in cahoots with High Hopes. They plan to help High Hopes into an influential position, and use him as a puppet to further their own goals.”

“Influenza position?” Ambra asked. “Sick group.”

“I said influential position, you birdbrain. Anyways…” Wordwise cleared his throat. “The mafia wouldn’t ruin their own plans like that. There must be some other culprit behind this blackmail attempt, who either wants to get rich through the mistakes of others, or put the whole plan of the mafia in jeopardy.”

“At least he could’ve made Trebek announce the whole thing. This wouldn’t be such a problematic job in that case…” Fool’s Gold sighed. “Anyways, if the mafia is actually on the side of High Hopes, what sort of idiot would try to pull a stunt like this? Considering Maccha here is but a hostess, there ain’t any way she could come up with 20,000 bits that quickly. The whole scheme is bound to… fail…”

Fool’s Gold’s eyes slowly turned to look at Maccha, who seemed to be flustered for once again being the center of the attention. Short Fuse, unable to see what it was that Gold had realized, turned her attention to Wordwise.

“W-what is it? What’s the deal?” she asked. Wordwise shook his head.

“Neighponese ponies put personal honor above anything else. In the event they would be shamed publically…” The stallion with the steel blue mane looked at Maccha. “… there’s only one path a Neighponese can take… Right?”

“Y-yes…” Maccha answered, her head drooping. “The only way to preserve my family’s and the club’s honor would be… to commit seppuku.”

“Ya plannin’ ta off yourself!?” Fuse’s eyes widened in a shock. “I ain’t lettin’ that happen, ya know!”

“Me neither,” Ambra chimed in. “Ambra and Maccha. Friends.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Fool’s Gold said and his eyes narrowed. “I’m not letting a pretty little mare kill herself just like that. However, this raises a question: A murder, even something like this, doesn’t stem just from a scandal of a politician having an affair with a hostess. There’s something more to this.”

Lighting another cigarette, Fool’s Gold adopted an unusually stern expression as he stared at Maccha, who was shaking like a leaf of a tree.

“… Maccha. What are you not telling us?”

****

Next day, at midday, a single figure draped in a thick cloak was waiting on the rooftop of an old factory in the Shangri-La district. He kept pacing back and forth, while staring intently into the distance. From what little of his muzzle could be seen, it was clear that the figure was sweating bullets at the moment. All in all, even without his highly-visible Nazgul-costume he would have seemed awfully suspicious.

“S-shut up! I’m trying to be discreet here!” The creature screamed.

Ho ho, what a nervous wreck. But I guess I’ll leave the heroics to the actual characters.

As if that was the cue, the door leading to the staircase nearby suddenly started to open. The metal door creaked heavily as it swung outwards, revealing the figure of a green mare standing behind it along with a trio of two ponies and one gryphon. The only stallion of the group was carrying a large suitcase between his teeth.

“… I’ve come to bring the money you wanted,” Maccha said with a nervous voice, stepping forward.

This seemed to shock the figure in the cloak greatly. As Fool’s Gold threw the suitcase in front of him, he took a few steps backwards, as if he wanted nothing to do with the suitcase. He stopped his pacing, but it was replaced by shaking, like an addict who was going through symptoms of withdrawal.

“What’s wrong?” Maccha asked, trying her best to sound brave. “You… You look surprised.”

“H-how did you get all that money? You’re just a hostess!” The cloaked figure accused her. “There’s no way you could ordinarily get that sort of money gathered in few days!”

“I made some… some deals,” Maccha answered and tried to flash a smile. “These three are part of the yakuza who controls the Yoshiwara Street. I took a loan, and they even gave me b-bodyguards to make sure the transaction went well.”

“Idiot! Why are you always such a stupid mule, Maccha!?” The cloaked figure shouted. “You’ll never be able to pay them back!”

“That’s my own problem… isn’t it, High Hopes?” Maccha’s eyes narrowed as she stared at the stallion.

Hearing that name, the cloaked figure spat at the ground. Grudgingly, he removed his hood, revealing the head of a somewhat handsome stallion hidden underneath. He had a blue coat and white mane, the latter combed in regent style. It was indeed the nowadays-influential politician, High Hopes, and his eyes were flaring with anger.

Seeing now who was behind the blackmail attempt, Short Fuse gasped internally. While Fool’s Gold had his suspicions from before, she hadn’t been completely sure about it.

“Hey, you!” High Hopes shouted to Fool’s Gold. “She said you were from the yakuza, right? Want to earn some quick money?”

“… What’cha got in mind?” Gold grunted, eyeing High Hopes up and down. The blue stallion gave a sinister smirk.

“You see, this mare here has probably told you all about her sob story about big bad politician trying to blackmail her. Well, you only know half of the truth,” High Hopes said and chuckled. “She’s been leading you by the muzzle all this time. Lying and cheating is all she does!”

“…What do you mean?” Fool’s Gold asked with narrowed eyes.

“She’s just a pathological liar! This isn’t anything as cute as a scandalous relationship! She’s a criminal who deserves to die for her lies!” High Hopes shouted, pointing an accusing hoof at Maccha, who flinched back. “No, that’s not even the full extent of it. She’s not even a ‘she’ in the first place! Yes! This hostess you call ‘Maccha’ is nothing but a transgender freak who thought he could make a fool out of me!”

There was a shocked silence on the rooftop. All eyes turned to Maccha, who was trembling more than ever before. Her, no, his legs looked like they were about to give out at any second.

“B-but you told me I was beautiful!” Maccha shouted back, tears forming in his eyes. “You told me you loved me! I thought you were speaking the truth!”

“And I was!” High Hopes roared. “Until you revealed your true colors, you sickening piece of trash! I want nothing to do with an unnatural freak like you! It’s disgusting to even think that I kissed you or let you touch me! If word got out that I was tricked by such a fake mare, I’d be laughed out of Canterlot! Vile abominations like you are better off dead!”

Every insult that left High Hopes’ lips seemed to be like a punch straight to the gut of Maccha. He faltered and collapsed to the floor, before tears began streaming down his face. It took all of Ambra’s and Short Fuse’s willpower to not run to console her, but this was not the time. While High Hopes had rambled on, Gold had grown more and more silent, the expression on his face darkening.

“And?” Fool’s Gold finally asked. “What do you want me to do?”

“Kill him! Kill that wretch!” High Hopes hissed. “I’ll let you have the money in that suitcase as a payment. You’ll get rich, and neither of us have to mention this to our superiors! The world is better off without a disgusting freak like him, too! So, everypony wins!”

There was a moment of silence. Then, slowly, Fool’s Gold used his magic to draw his jutte from his mane, swinging it to his side. He then slowly turned, walking a circle around High Hopes, while keeping his cold eyes at Maccha.

“You’re right. This situation is in dire need of a beating.”

“Hah! Hear that, Maccha!?” High Hopes shouted and sneered. “Even your supposed bodyguards are disgusted by your true nature. Somepony who lies about their own gender, both to himself and to others, deserves to be treated like an abomination! This is what you get when you think you can get away with making a fool out of me! Ha, hahaha—“

As overblown as High Hopes’ laugh was, it was utterly drowned as the two creatures beside Maccha started roaring in laughter. With stupid looks on their faces, they bellowed out as loud as they could, staring straight at the blue stallion. Both Ambra and Short Fuse laughed as hard as they could, so hard that it made their eyes water. But they did not care. Instead, they turned the volume louder.

“W-what do you two think you’re laughing about!?” High Hopes shouted. “What’s so damn funny!?”

“This,” Short Fuse finally answered and showed a small box she was holding in her right hoof. “It’s a recorder. One that recorded ‘dat whole tirade just now. I’m gonna guess that the Canterlot police force, not ta mention the Princess herself, would be interested ta hear about your opinion on who deserves ta live ‘n who deserves ta die.”

“The disgusting freak…” Ambra said, pointing at High Hopes. “…is you.”

“W-what are you talking about!? Have you gone insane!?” High Hopes roared in confusion. “Can’t you see how disgusting he is!? He’s a freak! An abomination that tries to be what he’s not! He goes against the laws of nature! Even your Boss agreed with me!”

This last remark caused Short Fuse to snicker, even though she had already stopped laughing. She pointed behind High Hopes, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh, I think ya misunderstood him,” Short Fuse said and cackled. “Ya see, Maccha told us everything before we came here. All about his secret, and how he ain’t feelin’ like he’s a stallion but a mare. An’ guess what? We don’t care about that.”

“Maccha is Maccha,” Ambra chimed in. “So who cares?”

“An’ there’s one other thing,” Fuse continued with a grin. “Ya see, our Boss… he’s a complete idiot. He don’t care if it’s a mare or a stallion, as long as they’re pretty. An’ if they are… then he’ll do anything ta help them.”

High Hopes heard the wind rush behind him and slowly turned to look. To his horror, he saw how Fool’s Gold spun his jutte around, caught it with his mouth, and turned around in a fast motion. The momentum sent him flying straight at the blue stallion, and for a moment, the politician saw nothing but the approaching metal of the weapon. Then, with a loud and resonating crash, the jutte hit High Hopes straight in the head. The impact was enough to send him flying high in the air. Fool’s Gold, with a determined look in his eyes and gritting the weapon tightly with his teeth, grunted.

“This town is my home. Don’t you think for a minute that I wouldn’t help my friends who live here!”

High Hopes let out a pitiful sound as he began to fall. He crashed into the roof, the concrete below him cracking from the impact. The eyes of the stallion had rolled to the back of his head, and his mouth hung open absentmindedly. With a single hit from the jutte of Fool’s Gold, it was lights out for him.

Silence descended once again to the rooftop. Now there was nothing more moving besides the trio who had watched the climax of their scheme unfold before their eyes. What they had planned after Maccha had come clean had all paid out in the end. Testament to this was the sight of the golden-maned stallion standing before their eyes, his mane gently caressed by the wind and his form outlined by the blazing sun.

“Now then…” Fool’s Gold said, and spat out the weapon from his mouth.

“I guess we should get outta here, before the police we called arrive. Just remember to leave the recorder.”

And so, the four creatures made haste, leaving behind a single criminal and the evidence of his crime.

****

Late that evening, the hostess club Tenjiku was once again filled to brim with customers. Ponies, gryphons and all sorts of creatures had gathered there to enjoy the company of beautiful mares and alcohol. There was singing, there was laughing, there was flirting - all happening under colorful lights and graceful Neighponese architecture. On the stage, three mares played traditional instruments of their homeland, while near the eastern wall was a long counter where multiple bartenders made drinks for the customers.

It was in the middle of this hustle and bustle that the members of Gold Standard had gathered. They had been directed to a corner table, out of sight from most of the customers. Ambra, the kid she was, was already asleep on the couch. Short Fuse kept eyeing the place with frown on her face while sipping on her piña Colada. The blue mare had a hard time accepting the behavior of the creatures who visited such a place. However, being a young mare, she couldn’t help but to have a slightly perverted interest.

“Who are ya callin’ perverted, ya damn Narrator!?”

Meanwhile, only Fool’s Gold seemed to be excited. He was downing his third whiskey already and was waiting anxiously for the hostess that had been assigned to their table. The cigarette on his lips was nearly burned out, as he had been smoking it in haste as if it would have made the hostess appear any sooner.

Eventually his wait was rewarded, as a pony in yukata approached the table. Giving a graceful Neighponese bow, the pony in question raised his gaze to meet the eyes of the trio. Even Ambra had woken up by his arrival.

“Welcome to the Hostess Club Tenjiku,” the pony greeted them. “I am your hostess for tonight: Maccha. I hope I am to your liking.”

“Woah, woah. This is unexpected,” Fool’s Gold said and jabbed Short Fuse in the ribs. “Just how much money did you spend? You got us the best hostess in the club.”

“Well, I thought we’d splurge a bit,” Fuse answered and chuckled. “Ya know, since we did a good job.”

“Party night,” Ambra chimed in. “Totally newscasted.”

“You’re a minor. No alcohol for you.” Fool’s Gold swatted the gryphon playfully. “But you know, she’s speaking the truth. Since the Empress is paying for the night, I thought about going all-out. You sure you’ll be alright, Maccha? I’m gonna drink till the sun climbs to the horizon, and way past it. And since you’re our hostess, I’ll have you keep me company till I drop.”

Short Fuse chuckled and grinned.

“I was thinkin’ the exact same thing,” she said. “So, ya think you’re up for it?”

And so, face-to-face with the grins of the three idiots, Maccha returned the grins with a beaming smile of his own, one that was like the dawning sun.

“Yes!” He answered, happier than he had been in years.

And so, it is with these thoughts and these words that we end this chapter of the story.

****
All that Glitters is Gold
Chapter 3: End.

Once again, Minuette and Twinkleshine were sitting in the otherwise empty theater, gazing at the now dark silver-screen. Minuette was leaning on the seat on the row next to her with a dull look on her face. Twinkleshine, seeing this, jabbed her friend to the ribs. This finally woke the blue mare from her lull.

“How can you sleep through the show like that?” Twinkleshine asked. “You should be ashamed!”

“What do you mean?” Minuette groaned. “There’s no great sense of adventure, no good jokes, and the characters are just horrible.”

“Exactly!” Twinkleshine answered. “That means we’ve got the best seats in the house to watch this fanfic’s downfall!”

The two mares bumped their hooves together and burst into bellowing laughter which echoed in the empty movie theater.

“Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!”