The Muffin Mishap

by ilikefrenchfries1010

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 24963

Can Derpy Hooves defend her prized muffin?

Pinkie has decided to give Derpy a fantastic muffin as a friendly gift. Derpy, rather than eating it, decides to treasure it forever. However, Ponyville is notorious for random mishaps.

Will Derpy be able to protect her delicious baked good, or will it face its inevitable consumption?

Published 2013-02-10 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-24 03:11:07 UTC

Scheming

"I can't wait to show you around, muffin."

With her new muffin in tow, Derpy trotted back home. As she walked, she couldn't help but notice the many ponies stopping to stare at her glorious muffin. She could even see a few of them drooling, Lyra and Bon Bon in particular.

Derpy quickened her pace. She didn't want her to muffin to be snatched up and gobbled by any eager mouths, despite the fact that it had already been bitten. One stallion in particular kept his gaze on Derpy as she walked past.

"That muffin," he murmured. "It's amazing! I must have it!"

The stallion slowly lurked after Derpy, doing his best not to attract any attention. He wanted to have that muffin. He needed to have that muffin. However, unfortunately for him, Derpy was not your average mare. Her muffin senses began to tingle, alerting her to any dangers to her muffin. She was not going to lose it. She made a quick 180 in an effort to spot the culprit, but fell over in the process.

"I see you!" shouted an upside down Derpy.

To her surprise, there was no pony following her.

Derpy apologized to the trash can and the cardboard box which she shouted at and continued on her way. She didn't notice when cardboard box continued to follow her.

"Nice try," the stallion chuckled to himself.

"Hey mommy! Look at the funny stallion in the cardboard box talking to himself!" said a little colt to his mother.

"This is why you must never ever do drugs Crinkle," said the mother, "do you understand me?"

"Yes mom," replied the foal.

The pair, as well as several other ponies, watched as the box crawled in cautious pursuit of Derpy.

"Ahh... it's good to be home."

Derpy retrieved the newly enchanted muffin from her saddlebags and then threw them clumsily on the floor, taking pleasure in having the weight lifted from her withers.

"Where should I put you, muffin? Do you want to be on the dinner table? Or near the window?"

Derpy decided that it should be easily noticeable by anypony who entered her home. What's the point in having the best muffin ever if you cannot show it off? With that in mind, she brainstormed for an attractive way to display her prized possession. After an hour of silent contemplation, Derpy finally came to a solution. She searched through her drawers for string, cardboard and colorful markers.

Once again, Derpy failed to notice the cardboard box leaning suspiciously against her front window.

"Ahh, so this is where you live..." the box spoke out loud. "Your muffin is as good as mine!"

"Sir I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from invading the privacy of other ponies," spoke a muscular guard who had spotted the odd occurrence during his regular patrol.

"But you don't understand! I need her muffin!" replied the box.

The guard could hear the stallion grossly licking his lips in a perverted manner.

"Sir I'm afraid that if you don't take off that box and remove yourself from this mare's home, I'll have you arrested."

"Fine."

Reluctantly, the stallion removed his camouflage and left the scene. He turned a corner, and instead of continuing on his way, lingered in hopes that the guard would continue on his patrol. Unfortunately for him, the guard remained firmly planted in his new favorite spot. The stallion watched in silent frustration as the guard cast a cross communication spell.

"Lieutenant Grey Mail this is Bronze Wing, I'm going to need another guard to continue my patrol. I've just seen a rather peculiar stallion and I'd like to ensure that he doesn't cause any harm to a young mare."

"Understood Bronze Wing, we are dispatching Clover to continue your patrol. Stay vigilant."

"Affirmative Lieutenant, Bronze Wing out."

The guard glowered at the stallion as his eagle eyes spotted him ever so slightly peeking from behind the corner.

"Guess I'll have to come back later," seethed the stallion, "I doubt he'll still be standing there tomorrow."

The stallion sauntered over to his previous spot, doing his best to look inconspicuous. With speed matching that of a drugged sloth, he poked his head around the corner.

He was still there.

"How am I going to get that muffin now?" he thought, "That damn guard doesn't understand. That muffin is absolute perfection. I'll need it if I'm going to win the next upcoming baker's competition! Doughnutopia wasn't enough to win me first prize last year, it was lacking a final center piece. That mare's muffin would be perfect for the job! I could even rename my dish to Douffintopia! That'll show the Cakes who's really the best baker around!"

"Muahahaha!" cackled the stallion.

"Mommy Mommy! It's the funny stallion again!" spoke an all too familiar colt.

The stallion cursed himself for forgetting that he was in public and that Ponyville was quite a small town.

"Do you remember what I told you about drugs yesterday Crinkle?" asked the colt's mother.

The colt sighed and prepared to recite yesterday's lesson.

"This is why you must never ever do drugs Crinkle," he drawled.

"Very good young man. You'll make a fine stallion one day, just like your father."

The stallion waited until the two walked by to continue his scheming.

"Looks like it's time to call in a favor from a special friend of mine."

Rarity was diligently working on her latest ensemble. She had received a huge order from Sapphire Shore the other day, requesting something 'flashy' for her latest tour. Rarity knew that Sapphire Shores probably already had a truckload of 'flashy' outfits that she could reuse, but she wasn't complaining. Rarity had undoubtedly jumped at the business offer and had ever since been fastidiously slaving away over her sewing machine.

"Hey Rarity!" yelled Sweetie Belle.

"Ahhh!" Rarity gasped. "Sweetie Belle... what have I told you about barging in on me like that?"

"I just came to tell you that a customer just walked in," replied Sweetie Belle.

"Oh, is that so?" said Rarity, "Tell him or her that I'll be down in a minute."

"Sure thing sis!"

Sweetie Belle bolted down the stairs, eager to annoy the new customer. Rarity took the moment to make herself presentable. She couldn't greet customers looking like she'd just rolled out of bed. After fixing her mane a bit, she trotted downstairs to greet her customer.

"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! Where everything is chic, unique and magnifique!" chimed Rarity as she shooed the ever so annoying Sweetie Belle away.

"Hello Rarity."

"Oh well if it isn't you again!" Rarity replied, "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"I was thinking that it's about time I called in that favor you owed me."

"Oh of course! I still cannot thank you enough for the doughnuts you had ever so generously gifted to me awhile back."

The stallion inwardly smirked. A few gifts and a compliment here and there worked wonders for getting on a mare's good side.

"Well, I was wondering if you could—"

"Oh! Let me guess... you need a new tuxedo?" Rarity butted in.

"No, I need you to—"

"Make you a fancy new top hat? Black is definitely your color... a nice dark brown wouldn't hurt either."

"Could you let me finish?"

"Oh sorry, I guess I got a bit too excited."

"Indeed. Anyway, I need you to come with me."

"Why?" asked Rarity. "Are you... asking me out?"

"No its nothing like that. I'll explain on the way."

"Well, since I do owe you the favor, I guess I can come along. I needed a little break anyway."

After a short walk, the dynamic duo found themselves slowly approaching Derpy's humble home.

"So what business do we have with Derpy exactly?" Rarity asked. "Oh! You like her don't you! I can give you some excellent advice on how to make a mare notice you!"

The stallion didn't bother to roll his eyes a second time. As the two slowly approached the front door, the stallion noticed that something was off.

"Where did that guard go?" he thought.

He slowly looked around, checking for any possible hiding spots which the guard could be using to survey the area. Upon examining his surroundings, he decided that the guard had simply left. He also located his discarded cardboard box.

"I better store you in my magical inventory." mused Joe. "You've saved my plot more than once."

The stallion cast a quick spell inventory spell on the cardboard box so he wouldn't need to carry it by hoof.

"Perhaps I won't need Rarity after all."

The stallion opted to peek inside of the home to see if Derpy was still inside. Hopefully, she would be gone and he could take the time to snoop around in search of the muffin. He did a full circle around the building, peeping in through all the windows. To his astonishment, once he checked the back window, he saw Derpy sitting at a table conversing with the same guard he had previously seen.

"Dammit!"

"What was that darling?" Rarity inquired as she took a peek inside the same window.

"Nothing... forgive my brusque outburst."

"Just a thought, but maybe we shouldn't be invading the privacy of other ponies like this?" Rarity suggested.

Rarity's suggestion caused an eyebrow to be raised.

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black," he snarked.

"What! Why that's absolutely! Well... maybe I occasionally snoop around." Rarity admitted, "I just can't pass up a good opportunity for gossip."

Her mood visibly dampened.

"Don't worry about it Rarity. I guess it's ok to gossip, as long as no pony's feelings get hurt."

To the stallion's satisfaction, Rarity perked up a bit.

"Good." he thought, "I can't have you feeling all mopey when I need you to do something for me."

"Say, why don't we eavesdrop on these two ponies for some juicy gossiping material?"

Rarity lit up like a Hearth's Warming tree.

"Why, I thought you'd never ask!" she replied.

Rarity scrambled over. The pair pressed their faces to the wall, hoping to hear the conversation. Luckily for them, they were by the back window, so the public wouldn't see them making such a gross invasion of privacy.

"I can't hear a thing. What about you Rarity?"

"Oh I can hear them perfectly," Rarity boasted. "Years of practice, after all."

"Well... don't just stand there! Tell me what's going on!"

"Oh hush! I'm still trying to make sense of what they are talking about. Well... it appears that they are talking about their favorite flavors of muffin. Apparently the royal chefs in the guard barracks can bake a mean Coffeecake Muffin. Why I never... who would've thought that Princess Luna had an obsession with Moon Sugar muffins? I heard those were quite unhealthy. Well I guess she should really eat some more. She won't be getting any stallions with a rump like that. What!? Why would anyone in Equestria like a salmon cupcake!? Well I guess this is Derpy we are eavesdropping on. That mare would like anything in muffin form."

The stallion was starting to get irritated. He was obviously not getting anywhere, and Rarity was beginning to annoy him with her melodrama. He needed a way to get that guard out of Derpy's house and away from the area. But how...

"Oh, what's this, it sounds like Derpy has a super duper secret muffin that no one else but Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle know about."

Upon hearing about his beloved muffin, the stallion snapped into full attention. He risked another peek at the window in an effort to see it, and was rewarded with an eyeful of muffiny goodness. He glared at the it as it wove its delicious spell on his eyeballs.

"Darling are you alright? And why are you suddenly drooling so much?"

The stallion snapped out of his stupor and did his best to focus on the task at hand.

"Forget about it, can you tell me what they are talking about now?"

"Well... it sounds like Derpy is offering the guard a very, very, very tiny piece of the muffin for being such a wonderful guest and for making sure that she wasn't assaulted by a perverted stallion."

"Perverted?" thought the stallion. "Why I never..."

He took another peek at the window and, much like Rarity, made an overly dramatic gasp at the sight. Derpy had taken a small sewing needle, poked a microscopic piece of muffin and placed it on the stallion's tongue. The muffin had been reduced in size! Oh most woeful of days! He failed to fight back a small tear and continued to watch the scene unfold.

"Err... thank you... Madame Hooves," said the guard, unsure of how to respond to unusual gesture.

"Oh! Well what kind of hostess would I be if i didn't offer my guest a bite to eat?" remarked Derpy. "It's the least I can for you to repay you for protecting me and my... prized possession."

"I am just doing my duty madame. Anyway, I best be returning to the castle, my shift is almost over and it would appear that that strange stallion will not be returning."

"Thanks for the company!" said Derpy.

"It was my pleasure miss—"

The guards pupils slowly dilated. He remained frozen in place for a few seconds. Derpy, and her invaders of personal privacy, watched as a fly landed on the guard's eye, causing no reaction.

"Hey Jimmy!" yelled the fly to his buddy.

"Whatcha want Derrick?"

"This human has the softest eyes ever! I never knew eyes were so comfy!"

"Well maybe that's because that's the first eye you've ever properly landed in without almost dying immediately afterwards?"

"True, true, come join me Jimmy!"

"Nah, I just got word from the fly network that a cow by Sweet Apple Acres just made a big one. I'm heading over there."

"Cow pile!? COUNT ME IN!"

The two flies managed to have a entire conversation on the guard's eye without being swatted to death.

"Oh dear, do you think something is wrong with the poor fellow?" Rarity inquired.

"Your guess is as good as mine Rarity," replied Joe. "Let's just see what happens."

Rarity nodded in silent agreement and reverted her attention back to the scene.

"Mr Guard, are you alright?" Derpy asked. "

"Muffins," whispered the guard.

"What was that?"

"Muffins," said the guard, this time in normal volume.

"Yes I like muffins too!" Derpy agreed.

"Muffins!" yelled the guard.

"Muffins!" Derpy concurred.

Years of training served the guard well as he deftly snatched the muffin from Derpy's hooves.

"My muffin!" shouted Derpy.

"It's mine now!" barked the guard as he took a very small bite, as if to savor every last crumb.

That drove Derpy over the edge.

"No... one... takes... my... muffin!" screamed Derpy.

With superpony strength, Derpy viciously tackled the heavily armored stallion to the ground. The guard put up quite a fight as he tried to prevent Derpy from grabbing the muffin. Derpy, however, was a master at the art of muffin snatching. The veteran guard stood no chance against the onslaught.

"Should we alert the authorities?" Rarity inquired.

"Shh... it's at the best part," replied the stallion as he munched on some popcorn. "Want some?"

"No thanks, a lady must watch her figure. Maybe just a couple though."

After several minutes, Derpy managed to pry her muffin from the guard's possessed hooves. Once it was no longer in his possession, the guard snapped out of his trance.

"Wow, what happened?" asked the guard.

"Get out of my house!" Derpy commanded.

"Madame! Please calm down! What's the matter?"

"Just get out! You almost hurt my muffin!"

The guard was unsure of how to handle the situation. He remembered having a pleasant conversation with the mare, but after that, everything was a haze. Derpy was beginning to cause a ruckus, and he didn't want to attract unwanted attention. The guard decided to just leave.

"I sincerely apologize for any trouble I may have caused Madame Hooves. I'll be taking my leave now."

Unfortunately for the two spies, the guard decided to leave through the backdoor.

"Oh crap... He's coming this way," the stallion whispered. "Hide quickly!"

Rarity dive bombed into a nearby rosebush while the stallion whipped out his cardboard camouflage.

They silently prayed that the guard wouldn't notice them as he walked out.

"Boy oh boy, I can't wait to tell the boys back at the barracks about today." chuckled the guard.

The guard's eyes took notice of a dirty cardboard box and a rosebush with a pony sized silhouette in it.

"Hmm, now who decided to just leave this box here? Hey... haven't I seen this box before?"

The stallion moved to retrieve the box, but was stopped when he heard silent whimpering coming from the rosebush. He went for a closer look and once was surprised to find one Miss Rarity covered in thorns.

"Miss, are you alright?" asked the guard. "And how did you get in there?"

"Oh it's a long story," Rarity replied.

Rarity quickly fabricated an elaborate tale involving Rainbow Dash requesting her help for a new trick. Thus, resulting in her being deposited in a rosebush while Rainbow Dash spiraled into Celestia knows where.

"That sounds like quite the adventure. Come, I'll help you walk home." said the guard.

Rarity could very much walk, but she didn't want to pass up on the chance of walking with such a handsome stallion. She had quite enough gossip for one day, and simply wished for a nice cup of chamomile tea to relax with.

"That would be just lovely," replied Rarity.

The pair walked off leaving the cardboard box alone. The stallion noticed as Rarity threw a sly wink back his way.

"Your welcome," she mouthed.

The stallion smiled at his victory. Rarity had proven quite useful after all. With the guard now out of the way, he would be able to bust in under the cover of night and make off with the muffin. He would need to be quick and quiet. Joe risked another peek at the window to see what Derpy was doing.

"Shh... hush little muffin, don't lose a crumb, mommy's gonna... something something... yaaaa," sang Derpy.

She retrieved a bandage from a cabinet and gingerly placed it on the muffin's fresh bite mark. She should be the one eating it, not random ponies! She passionately kissed the bandage.

"Don't worry my muffin, you can sleep with me tonight. But tomorrow, I'll let you sleep by yourself in your special place." said Derpy to her muffin.

"What in the hell," murmured the stallion, "what is wrong with this mare?"

"Muffin, stop complaining! You can't sleep with me forever! You're growing up! I'm only gonna let you sleep with me this once.

"..."

"I don't care if you get nightmares about being eaten by that guard! "

"..."

"Shh... it'll be alright my muffin."

Derpy carried the muffin with her upstairs and went to bed. The stallion weighed his options. Should he bust in right now? Or should he wait till tomorrow night? He decided to come back tomorrow in the dead of night to claim his prize. He would bust in, snatch the muffin and be off before Derpy knew it. It would be like taking candy from a foal!

"Muahahaha!"

"That's starting to get old," said a colt walking with his mother.

Brainwashed

Calamity

"Would you like some more muffins your majesty?" inquired the servant.

"That would be positively splendid. Please send for several dozen more."

"At once your majesty."

"Oh, one more thing!"

"Yes your majesty?"

"Make it chocolate."

"Of course your majesty."

The queen slowly and regally chewed her muffin as she watched her servant make his way towards the door. Once he had exited the room, she eagerly crammed the entire thing into her mouth, smacking her lips in approval of the royal chef's talent.

"Finished already? Not even Big Macintosh has an appetite quite like you do my queen," observed Celestia.

"Well, a queen needs her energy. I can't run Equestria on an empty stomach now can I?"

"I suppose not."

"Precisely!"

A few minutes later, the servant returned with his horn aglow, carrying two heavy trays loaded with chocolate muffins.

"Here you are your majesty," said the servant.

"Thank you very much. You may take your leave now."

"Very well, simply call me if you need my services."

On that note, the stallion placed the two trays in the center of the dining table and took his leave. Queen Derpy, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Princess Cadence each retrieved eight muffins from the trays and set them down on their plates.

"Alright girls," Derpy teased, "ready to lose to Muffin and I again?"

"Nay!" argued Luna. "Tis I who shall be victorious this time! Thou shall cower under my muffin-eating prowess!""

"I swear, that muffin you wear around your neck must be giving you superpowers," Cadence commented.

"Muffin here offers me encouragement, nothing more," replied Derpy.

"Thats right," Muffin concurred, "I merely cheer Derpy on. You girls need to step up your game!"

"Come on girls, let's show Derpy a thing or two about muffin eating," encouraged Celestia.

"Alright girls, on my mark, eat those muffins like there's no tomorrow!" announced Muffin.

Everpony took their respective positions and prepared for the eat off of the century.

"One!"

Luna squinted at Derpy.

"Two!"

Celestia adjusted her regalia.

"Three!"

Cadence prematurely opened her mouth.

"Go!"

Crumbs flew everywhere.

"Derpy!? Derpy!? Wake up! Why are you on the floor!?" panicked Pinkie as she repeatedly poked Derpy in a desperate attempt to awaken her.

Pinkie's incessant prodding slowly pulled Derpy out of her sleep.

"Ha... you lose again Luna," mumbled Derpy.

"Princess Luna? Where? Oh no! I had no idea she was coming! How am I gonna prepare a party on such short notice..."

Pinkie's inane chattering shook the last few remnants of sleep from Derpy's mind.

"No, Princess Luna isn't here. I was just dreaming, sorry," apologized Derpy.

"Oh that's okay Derpy," assured Pinkie. "Although, I probably should throw Princess Luna a party in the future. I wonder what kind of cake she'd like. I know she loves Moonsugar. Maybe I could make a Mega Moonsugar Madness cake!"

Derpy decided to let Pinkie ramble on about types of cake for a few minutes.

"Pinkie, what exactly are you doing in my house again? Not that I don't appreciate your company, but still."

"Oh that's right! I came hear to tell you... wait... why was I here again?"

"Wait, you came to my house, but you can't even remember why you did?" asked Derpy.

"Nope!" Pinkie confirmed.

"Well alright then, say, would you like to say hi to Muffin?

"Sure!" Pinkie agreed.

Derpy led Pinkie into the living room. She flew up to her cardboard chandelier to wake Muffin up.

"Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!" she cheerfully sang.

Derpy was flabbergasted as to why Muffin wasn't exactly where she left him yesterday. Derpy slowly began to panic.

"Muffin? Muffin!? Muffin where are you!?"

"Derpy what's wrong?" Pinkie inquired.

"It's Muffin! I can't find him!" Derpy panicked.

"Ooooo, I bet he's playing hide and seek with us!"

Derpy laughed aloud at her stupidity. Of course Muffin wasn't gone. He was just playing hide and seek with her. She would find him and they would be together again.

Muffin would never ever leave her. They were best friends. They would be happy together. Forever.

"You're right Pinkie," Derpy agreed. "Muffin is quite the playful one. I bet he's hiding right under our noses!"

Pinkie checked under her nose.

"Nope! Not there!"

"Let's see who can find him first!" challenged Derpy.

"You're on!"

The house was a blur as two ponies raced around with speed matching a Formula One racer. The duo scoured every cupboard, cabinet, closet and cupboard they could find.

"Hey, why don't we search other objects too rather than just ones starting with c?" Pinkie suggested.

"Good idea!" Derpy agreed.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

By the time Derpy and Pinkie finished searching, the house was a complete mess. Random paraphernalia littered the floor, trays had been yanked out of wardrobes, the couch was missing several cushions, the fridge had been turned upside down and a rotten hay burger had been found under the carpet. The two ponies grew tired of searching, and decided to end the fun little charade.

"Alright Muffin you win," Derpy panted.

"Olly olly oxen free!" Pinkie shouted.

No response.

"Muffin, you can come out now, the game's over."

Still no response. Reality slowly caught up to Derpy. While their little game had been a minor distraction, Derpy couldn't escape the truth. It was an unbearable one which broke Derpy's heart, but it was still the truth, and Derpy wept because of it.

Muffin was gone.

"Pinkie, I think Muffin really is... gone. S-someone must've taken him or something."

"Oh my gosh! I just remembered why I came here in the first place!" shouted Pinkie.

"W-why?" asked Derpy.

"Well you see, last night when I was sleeping, my Pinkie Sense was warning that something bad was going to happen. I had hoped it wouldn't be related to you or Muffin. I came first thing in the morning, but... it looks like I was too late."

"But why? Why would Muffin leave me!?" cried Derpy.

"Muffin didn't leave you," assured Pinkie, "someone made Muffin leave you."

"But... but who could do such a thing? Ponyville is the nicest town ever. Why would anybody need to steal from me of all ponies?"

"I don't know why Derpy, but we're sure as sugar gonna find out. Now cheer up, we have a mystery to solve!"

Pinkie donned her detective hat.

"Pinkie."

"Yes Derpy?"

"Can I have a hat too?"

Joe's Donuts had closed early without notice, leaving customers disgruntled at the inconvenience. If you had asked one of them if anything interesting happened in their lives today, they would tell you about the interesting conversation coming from inside Joe's Donuts. One purple-maned unicorn in particular would have some juicy gossip material to share with her friends.

Joe had completely sealed off his shop from prying eyes. He wouldn't allow anypony to get any funny ideas about stealing his new muffin now would he? As he sat in his shop, he thought about how his very own Doughnutopia had been ruined, forcing him to combine efforts with Pinkie and company. That wouldn't happen this year however. No, he would rent a private chariot and several bodyguards if he had to to ensure that his new creation would be in mint condition for the judges. The question, however, was how he was going to use his newly acquired muffin in his creation. He couldn't make Doughnutopia again could he? He may lose points for originality as another pony had submitted a similar creation last year, although, not quite as splendid as his own. Hmm... what could he possibly create that would unite muffin and doughnut in beautiful harmony?

"Joeeeeeeey! Dinner's ready sweetie!" shouted Joe's mom from upstairs.

"Not now mom I'm thinking!" Joe yelled.

"The only thing you should be thinking about is getting me some grandfoals! Why I believe that thirty-five years is quite awhile to go without losing your virg—"

"MOOOOOOM!"

"Alright alright I'll stop. But don't think I'm going to let you off the hook! Why when I was your age I was quite the mare. I swear I had at least five stallions after me until your father came along. "

Joe seethed in embarrassment. Well at least nopony could hear their conversation... right? Out of curiosity, Joe decided to pull back the curtains covering the window.

"R-Rarity!?" Joe gasped.

"Ahh!" cried Rarity.

"Rarity what the hell are you doing here? Why are you eavesdropping on us? Ya know what, I don't even care. Just leave."

Joe violently pulled back the curtains, leaving a tomato-faced Rarity behind.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think you'd look dashing in a tuxedo!" she called.

Joe stormed into the basement with his muffin, slamming the door behind him. Perhaps now he would have some time to think.

"Now where was I?" Joe thought out loud. "Oh ya, I was wondering how to combine doughtnuts and muffins in an attractive manner."

Joe was interrupted from his thoughts by a low rumble from his stomach. He didn't feel like going back upstairs to grab a doughnut. In doing so, he would risk further embarrassment from his mother. Joe turned his attention to the muffin at his side. Perhaps a little bite wouldn't hurt. After all, he should probably know what it tastes like so he could properly compliment its flavors in his dish. Joe grabbed the muffin and slowly brought it to his face. At the last possible moment, he hesitated, and set the muffin back down. It felt wrong to defile such a work of art with his saliva. It had already been bitten a few times, but Joe didn't want to unnecessarily ruin it any further.

"Wait a minute"—Joe paused and examined the current situation—"why am I worshipping a muffin?"

Joe made up his mind to take a small bite of the muffin, both to quell his hunger a bit, and to know what it tasted like. Once he had a general idea of its flavor, he could attempt to recreate it using his own expertise. Then again, could such beauty ever be recreated? Surely, a muffin this incredible must be ambrosia, sent forth from Celestia herself into the world.. Joe ever so slowly brought the muffin to his lips and took a microscopic bite.

"I came!" shouted Joe. "This muffin was to be the most positively scrumptious thing I've ever eaten in my entire life! I must know how to make this for myself."

Joe carefully examined the muffin. Although it had clearly been bitten several times, it was a thing of beauty. He grabbed a notepad and quickly began to jot down notes for future reference. He noted details such as the fluffy texture, vanilla and chocolate frosting and the wide array of fillings.

"Perhaps I could use this to create a new doughtnut?"

Of course! Why hadn't he thought of it before? Rather than having to combine the muffin with his doughnuts, he could simply copy recreate a doughnut with the muffin's exact properties. After all, his name was Doughnut Joe and not Muffin Joe.

"I must get started at once!"

Joe began trotting back to upstairs so he could begin to gather the necessary ingredients. As his hoof reached for the doorknob his vision began to get blurry.

"Woaaaah, what's going on?"

Joe's pupils began to dilate, the muffin was slowly taking over.

"M... m... muffins."

Joe snorted and violently shook his head in an effort to clear his head. It felt... odd to say the least.

"N-no... I like doughnuts more than muffins.

The muffin retaliated against Joe, it would not surrender so easily.

"Muffins."

Joe grunted and stamped his hooves against the floor. He wouldn't give up so easily either.

"Doughnuts."

Grunt

"Muffins."

Grunt

"Doughnuts."

GRUNT

"Muffins!!"

GRUNT

"Doughnuts!"

"Joey boy! If you're going to pleasure yourself to your weird food fetishes, at least close the door please! Don't worry by the way! It's perfectly normal to be arous—"

Joe's mother was cut off the slamming of the basement door. Joe continued to writhe in agony as his mind waged war against the muffin. It was a pointless struggle however, the muffin's incredible awesomeness was simply too powerful for Joe's mind.

Once the muffin had taken over, Joe felt the strange urge to change his name from Doughnut Joe to Muffin Joe, as well as make some changes to his store's inventory. Also worth noting was his sudden sexual interest in muffins. Previous thought about the baker's competition were erased from his mind as one sole thought took over.

"Muffins... muffins..."

The Investigation

"Alright my lowly assistant, what do you think we should do first when investigating a crime?"

"Hmm......." thought Derpy.

"Well?"

"Oh! I know! We should get some snacks so that we don't starve to death during our investigation."

"Exactly!" confirmed Pinkie with a puff of her pipe. "Which is why I brought some emergency cupcakes and muffins for us, just in case."

Pinkie scrounged around in her mane a bit, searching for her muffin supply.

"Now where did I put those muffins. Nope, not there. Whoa, definitely not there. Oh hey! I've been looking everywhere for this!" Pinkie laughed as she pulled out a rubber chicken. "How did you get in here? Ok I found it. Chocolate or vanilla?"

"Vanilla please."

Pinkie handed Derpy a tasty vanilla muffin, full of carbohydrates. Guaranteed to keep you energized while you solve crime!

"Brilliant thinking Pinkie!" complimented Derpy with a mouthful of muffin.

"Thanks!" replied Pinkie with a mouthful of cupcake. "Alright, what should we do next my lowly assistant?"

"I dunno, you're the expert."

"Guilty as charged," Pinkie bragged, "Well, if I learned anything from Twilight during the MMMystery on the Friendship Express, the next thing we should do is look for clues."

"That sounds like fun!" commented Derpy.

"It sure is Derpy," Pinkie agreed, "Although, it's probably not as fun as baking apple fritters with Applejack, or helping Twilight with her experiments, or watching Rainbow Dash perform a new trick, or critiquing Rarity's dresses, or helping Fluttershy care for her animals, or—'

'Pinkie, we're getting off topic," interrupted Derpy.

"I am? Oh right! Sorry about that."

Pinkie took a moment to compose herself. This was a serious matter after all.

"Alright Pinkie, focus. We need to find Derpy's muffin. The consequences would be dire if it fell into the wrong hooves. I can only imagine what would happen if Princess Celestia or Princess Luna got a hold of it somehow."

"Alright Derpy, listen up!  We'll spread out and take turns searching every room to maximize our chances of finding good evidence. Leave no inch unexamined. After all, Muffin is counting on us."

Pinkie drove her point home with an extra long blow on her pipe.

"Am I understood?"

"Sir yes sir! Err... ma'am yes ma'am!"

"Good! Now let's find some evidence."

"Uhh... Pinkie?"

"Yes my lowly assistant?"

"What is evidence?"

Aside from the occasional villainous attempt to overthrow Celestia or bring about eternal chaos, not much happened in Ponyville on a daily basis. Any grand opening of a shop would not go unnoticed by anypony, which is why one shop in particular had a generous helping of customers today.

It was the grand opening, or shall we say renaming, Of Joe's Doughnuts into Joe's Muffins. How exciting!

Joe's Doughnuts was quite the popular bakery. It was the go-to place for, well, doughnuts. It also didn't hurt that the doughnuts were pretty damn delicious. Once Doughnut Joe's shop had been renovated, the residents of Ponyville were eager to see what new tricks Joe had up his sleeve, and boy did he have some tricks up his sleeve. Already being a jack of the baking trade, Joe took to muffins like a duck to water. However, quite a bit of his new-found knowledge had been gifted to him by none other than Muffin. Once Joe's mind had surrendered, his brain was overloaded with all things muffin.

Rarity, still feeling ashamed from her earlier mishap, decided to see how Joe's new store was doing, as well as apologize. She entered the shop, and immediately noticed the incredible muffin which was on display by the register. It would without a doubt attract more customers. If one were to look carefully though, they would notice several bite marks disturbing the otherwise perfect image. One or two in particular looked recent. After waiting in line for a few minutes, she finally made it to the register. Instead of being greeted by Joe though, she was greeted by someone else.

"Hello and welcome to Joe's Muffins. How can I help you?" asked a middle-aged mare.

"Good day miss. I was actually wondering if I could speak with Joe, if that's alright." replied Rarity.

"Really? My my, such a fine young lady wishes to have a 'chat' with my little Joey! How exciting! Come on then, follow me."

"Thank you miss."

"Honey! Could you mind the register for me? Our son has a 'special' visitor," shouted the mare, with a little too much emphasis on special.

"A visitor you say? Well well, it's about time!" replied the mare's husband as he took over the register. "May I have the next in line please?"

Rarity was led into the rear section of the shop. This was were the magic happened. Feverishly slaving away over several high quality baking ovens, was none other than Joe. He appeared to be in quite the disarray. His mane looked like a mini tornado had hit it and one of his pupils was larger than the other. He was covered in sugar, batter, sprinkles and other random ingredients. Several muffins were strewn about the floor for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Joe's mother quickly trotted over to him and did her best to make him a bit more presentable for the nice young mare. There wasn't much she could do though, aside from straighten his mane a bit.

"I'll just leave you two... 'friends' alone for a bit," joked the mare as she scampered out of the room.

"Wow, she really is desperate isn't she?" thought Rarity. "This will make for excellent gossip material later on."

"Hello Doughnut Joe. Err I mean... Muffin Joe," greeted Rarity.

"Hi muffin," replied Joe.

"I just came to say that I... wait... did you just call me mufffin?"

"Yes muffin," confirmed Joe.

"Well, I am flattered, but I regret to inform you that I do not return your feelings."

"Aww... muffin."

"I'm sorry Joe, but you can't just force love upon somepony," explained Rarity. "Love needs time to grow and develop."

"Ahh...muffins," agreed Joe.

"Exactly Joe, it's like a muffin! You can't just make a muffin appear out of nowhere. You need to mix the batter, add the ingredients, etc. Anyway, I didn't come to talk about making muffins. I came to apologize for my eavesdropping on you earlier. It was quite unbecoming of a lady such as myself. I do hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me," whimpered Rarity.

Joe looked at Rarity's innocent pout and quivering eyes. How could he refuse?

"I forgive muffin."

Once hearing that Joe had forgiven her, Rarity trotted up to Joe and gave him a quick hug.

"Thanks for being so forgiving Joe. You are quite the gentlestallion."

"Aww...muffins muffins muffins."

"Yes, that. Anyway I'll be going now. Bye Joe!"

"Muffins!"

"He sure is acting strange. Why does he keep saying muffin all the time?" thought Rarity as she trotted away.

Rarity exited the room, and after buying herself a muffin, began making her way for the door. As she was about to reach for the doorknob, she was interrupted by the same mare from before.

"So... when am I gonna get some grandfoals?" she chuckled. It was quite obvious that she was nervous due to her sweating and odd breathing patterns.

"No no no. Our relationship is nothing like that ma'am. Now if you'll excuse me I must be going now."

Rarity left the building, leaving a disappointed mare behind.

"Dammit, there goes another one." she seethed internally.

"Alright Derpy, what have you got so far?" asked Pinkie.

"Well....... I found this old toothbrush behind a wardrobe. Does that help?"

Pinkie face-hoofed. Things weren't going as planned. Then again, when do they ever?

"No Derpy. We are supposed to be looking for things that are related to the crime. Things like hoofprints and hairs lying around are what we should be keeping an eye out for."

"Well, in that case, I did find some weird stuff by the window over there."

Pinkie inflated like a balloon.

"Really? Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy! This is sooo exciting!" she beamed. "Well what are you waiting for Derpy? Show me show me show me!"

Pinkie bounced behind Derpy as she was led to the window near the cardboard chandelier.

"Alright my lowly assistant, this may very well be the scene of the crime. Look for anything that might be labelled as suspicious."

"Yes ma'am!" saluted Derpy.

After ten minutes of sweeping the crime scene. Both Derpy and Pinkie had discovered a few clues. Pinkie had found a few crumbs on the floor which hadn't come from neither her nor Derpy. She collected them in a small plastic bag and labelled it as evidence A. Derpy had found a brown hair on the floor, once again not being from either of them. She collected it and labelled it as evidence B. Finally, the duo had both discovered a stick hidden from view. It was most likely brought in by the thief. Pinkie bagged it and labelled it evidence C.

"Alright Derpy, now we should examine this evidence to see if it gives us any suspects."

Both Pinkie and Derpy piled their evidence together and checked to see if it could link them to anypony. There wasn't much they could conclude from the crumbs, other than that the thief was probably hungry. As for the stick, there wasn't anything they could deduce. Maybe the thief had a strange obsession with sticks? The most promising piece of evidence was the hair which Derpy had found on the floor. Now, they could limit their search to ponies with brown manes. Still, it wasn't much to go by. There were quite a few ponies in Ponyville with brown manes.

"Oh I have an idea!" exclaimed Derpy.

"Lay it on me Derpy."

"Maybe we can have Twilight examine the evidence for us!"

"Derpy that's a great idea! I'm sure Twilight could use some fancy magic to tell us everything we need to know! Good job my lowly assistant."

"Just doing my duty ma'am," responded Derpy.

The duo had spent so much time investigating that they didn't realize how time had flown by. The sun was starting to set and ponies could be seen heading back to their homes.

"Alright Derpy, I'll meet you back here again first thing in the morning. We'll head on over to Twilight's place and see if she can help us. It's a good thing I don't have to work tomorrow. Not that I'd mind working though. Working at Sugarcube Corner is the best job ever! Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow Derpy. Oh boy this is soo exciting! Isn't this exciting Derpy? Can you imagine how the culprit's face is gonna look when we catch him!?"

"He'll probably be like 'oh no it wasn't me! Please don't turn me in to the police! I have a wife and three foals!' And then we'll be like, 'Ya ya, tell it to the judge ya filthy thief.' It's gonna be awesome," fantasized Derpy.

"We shouldn't really have him put in jail though should we?" asked Pinkie. "It seems a bit... I dunno... cruel?"

"You're right Pinkie," agreed Derpy. "Maybe we can let him off with a warning then? We can make him swear to not steal ever again. That way, no muffin will have to suffer such an ordeal in the future. Maybe we could also report it to the police?"

"Good idea! That way we don't have to feel guilty afterwards for letting him go unpunished," praised Pinkie.

The pair was interrupted by the reminder that the sun was going down and it was getting late.

"Alright Derpy, I best be going now. Goodnight!"

"Goodnight Pinkie! Thanks for everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Oh? Pffft. That's what friends are for silly!"

Pinkie booped Derpy's nose and began her bounce back to Sugarcube Corner. It was nice to have such good friends to help you out in times of need. However, even she couldn't fill the void left by Muffin's absence.

Derpy sat on her haunches and looked up the orange sunset. A single tear rolled down her eye as she though about the horrors which Muffin must be going through.

"Don't worry Muffin. Mommy's coming soon."

Confrontation

"Hey, Spike. Could you pass the syrup?"

"Sure thing!"

Twilight sat in her library, enjoying a peaceful breakfast with Spike. She quietly munched on some delicious chocolate waffles with a side of fried hay and daisies and a glass of chocolate milk. Spike was busy scarfing down a bowl of Sapphire Flakes while slurping on a juice box. It was peaceful mornings like these which Twilight and Spike enjoyed the most. Just sitting and eating in comfortable silence and preparing for the day's coming challenges.

WHAM!

Pinkie bounce-slammed through the front door while Derpy crashed in through a window. The duo effectively shattered the peaceful atmosphere which had filled the library.

Spike muttered inappropriate things under his breath while he went to fetch a broom. Twilight took several deep breaths and managed to form a crooked smile.

"Hi guys! What can I do for you on this peaceful morning?" she asked.

"Hi Twilight!" responded Derpy. "Pinkie and I have some evidence which we would like you to examine!"

"Evidence? What have you two been up to lately?"

"We've been investigating a crime!" Pinkie added in.

"A crime? There hasn't been a crime in Equestria in over a millennium. Actually, maybe I should do some more research into that... Spike! Can you fetch me a book on the history of Equestria while you're fetching that broom! Anyway, what crime could you two possibly be investigating? The only thing you've ever investigated, Pinkie, was who took a bite of the cake during the National Dessert Competition. And I helped you out quite a bit."

"Well Twilight, Derpy's muffin was stolen a short while ago. Ever since then, the two of us have been searching for clues to help us find the culprit! Derpy and I have already found quite a bit of evidence! We came here hoping that you would be able to examine them for us using your magic. It would help us narrow our search."

"Well I have to say Pinkie, that actually sounds like a good idea," complimented Twilight.

"But of course! I am a master detective after all!"

"Hey, what about me?" whined Derpy.

"Ya ya, you helped too my lowly assistant," Pinkie admitted. "Alright, let's show her the goods Derpy."

Derpy reached into her saddlebags and retrieved the three bags containing evidence. She spat them out on the floor near Twilight's hooves.

"Here you go Twilight!" drooled Derpy.

"Well well, what have we here? A brown hair, some crumbs and a stick. Well the hair and the crumbs might have some promise, but a stick? Really guys?" deadpanned Twilight.

"Any evidence is good evidence during an investigation Twilight!" rebutted Pinkie.

"What she said!" agreed Derpy.

"Alright, I'll examine them and see what I can find out for you."

"Yay!" cheered Pinkie and Derpy.

Twilight's horn glowed as she began casting her Know It All spell. If casted correctly, it would be able to analyze and object's physical and magical properties down to every last detail.

Derpy and Pinkie watched in awe as a purple beam shot out of Twilight's horn. First, it went to the stick. The stick levitated in the air as it faintly glowed with a purple matching that of the beam. The beam continued to paint the stick in it's purple glow. Once the the spell was complete, the beam disappeared and the purple stick slowly reverted back to its original brown color.

"Well? What can you tell us Twilight?" Derpy impatiently asked.

"Honestly, not that much. Aside from basic structural information, the only odd thing I've found is that is has traces of magic lingering on it. That wouldn't be possible unless a unicorn had interacted with it somehow. Using this information, it wouldn't be unwise to believe that a unicorn could be caught in this mess."

"Wow that's incredible Twilight!" complimented Pinkie. "You were able to find all that out using just a simple spell. Now we can narrow our search down to unicorns with brown manes! We're getting so close I can just taste it!"

Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a cupcake, which she gobbled in one massive bite.

"Exactly Pinkie, by uncovering facts, you can narrow down your searches. I have to say, you weren't this clever during our last investigation. Have you been practicing?"

"You could say that," Pinkie smirked, "anyway, let's examine the crumbs next."

Twilight repeated her spell on the crumbs. Derpy and Pinkie were once again awe-struck by the spell's awesome powers of identification.

"All right let's have a look see," began Twilight. "Upon examination, these crumbs appear to be from a baked good. Based on the ingredients found inside the crumb, I can conclude that these crumbs came from a doughnut."

"So now we know that the thief is a unicorn with brown hair that likes doughnuts," Derpy realized, "let's see what the hair can tell us."

Twilight charged up her spell a third time and casted it upon the small strand of brown hair.

"Well, aside from the fact that this hair is well...brown. I think this hair came from a male, probably due to how filthy it is. It also has small traces of flour and sugar in it. Perhaps the owner of this hair is some kind of baker, like you Pinkie."

"Well, we've analyzed all the evidence. Is the thief is a unicorn stallion with a brown mane who likes to bake doughnuts?" inquired Pinkie.

"Who do we know that fits that description?" pondered Derpy. "You should know Pinkie. After all, you do know everybody in Ponyville."

"Yup! It's true! I can name them all right now! There's Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Dashie, Big Mac, Daisy, Ros—"

"Pinkie, focus," Derpy reminded her.

"Oh right, these cupcakes must be making me extra hyper! Alright, who do I know that is a unicorn stallion that likes to bake doughnuts."

After a few seconds, all three mares came upon a sudden conclusion.

"Doughnut Joe!" they simultaneously exclaimed.

The morning breakfast rush had died down, leaving Joe's Muffins empty, albeit not entirely. Bon Bon and Lyra occupied one table, chatting with each other while munching on some fudge muffins.

"Isn't it a peaceful morning?" Lyra asked, attempting to make casual conversation.

"It sure is. Don't jinx us though! Next thing you know, something crazy just happens outta nowhere! That's Ponyville for ya," Bon Bon replied.

As the two chatted, Pinkie Pie and Derpy Hooves slowly approached the shop. They noticed that the name of the bakery had been changed.

"Why would Joe just change the name of his bakery like that?" Derpy asked.

"No idea," Pinkie answered, "But I'll bet he's up to no good. He probably has Muffin hidden under a truckload of other muffins! That way we might not be able to find him!"

"He must've changed the store's name to hide his clever little ruse!" deduced Derpy.

"I say, he's quite the devious little scoundrel," commented Pinkie, puffing on her pipe.

Once the two reached the front door, they began planning their approach.

"Alright Derpy, here's what we're gonna do," Pinkoe began. "We're gonna sneak around until we find Muffin, and then snatch him! Or, we find Joe or one of his agents, and demand that they give you your muffin back!"

"Ya!" cheered Derpy.

"Okie dokie lokie... here goes nothing."

Pinkie slowly pushed open the front door, ringing the bell to announce someone's entrance. Once inside, both Pinkie and Derpy searched frantically for cover. Pinkie cartwheeled to the nearby table which Lyra and Bon Bon where using, overturned it and hide behind it. Derpy barrel rolled into a wall, leaving a small hole. Afterwards she hid behind a chair.

"See? What did I tell ya?" Bon Bon groaned.

"Oh cheer up Bonnie, we'll just grab another table."

The two moved for another table and took their seats, continuing their delicious muffins. To their astonishment their table was flipped once again, this time by Derpy. As the table flipped the two muffins were thrown against the floor, leaving a fudge smudge.

Derpy's eyes darted towards the two neglected muffins.

"Are you gonna eat those?"

Bon Bon let out a long, angry sigh while Lyra fought to control her laughter.

"Go ahead and take them Derpy," laughed Lyra.

Not one to refuse a muffin offer, Derpy vacuumed the two muffins up before returning to stealth mode.

The mare behind the cashier, watched in shock and awe at the scene unfolding before her.

"You!" Derpy shouted suddenly towards the mare.

"Wha-me?"

"Ya you!" confirmed Pinkie, jumping on top of the counter. "I know who you're working for!"

"Well of course you do, I'm an employee here."

"Is that so?" Pinkie replied as she fixed the mare with a one-eyed stare. The mare in question shrank back at the sight of Pinkie's quivering eyeball.

"Y-yes?"

"Alright Missy, since you're such a know it all, how about you tell us where you're hiding Muffin!" exclaimed Derpy.

"What? This whole store is full of muffins! What could we possibly be hiding!?"

"Quit dodging the question!" stamped Pinkie. "Where is it!? Where is it!? You'd never give it to an ordinary pony!"

"Where is it!? Where is it!?" Derpy joined in the chanting as she jumped around aimlessly, knocking over several objects.

"Ahhhh!" screamed the mare as she fled the store in a panic. Lyra, Bon Bon and every other customer did the same.

"Hmm..." thought Pinkie, "Perhaps she didn't know after all."

"Someone else is coming Pinkie," Derpy alerted her.

"What's all the ruckus down here?" asked a middle-aged stallion as he descended the stairs.

"You!" Pinkie pointed an accusing hoof. "Tell us where Muffin is, or else!"

"Hmm... do you mean that spectacular muffin which my son was carrying? I must admit, it is quite the eye-catcher. Too bad I'm married though!" he joked. "Speaking of which, where's my wife?"

"She fled the building," answered Derpy.

"What?" asked the stallion in disbelief. He promptly ran out the store to hunt down his crazy wife.

"Well, know that they're gone, why don't we do some more snooping!?" suggested Derpy.

"Good idea my lowly assistant." Pinkie adjusted her hat, puffed her pipe and continued her examination of the area.

Neither Pinkie nor Derpy saw hide or crumb of Muffin after ten minutes of searching.

"Darn it!" shouted Pinkie, "There must be something that we're missing!"

"Maybe we should search the entire building rather than just the front room?" suggested Derpy.

"By Jove! Derpy that's brilliant!" praised Pinkie.

The two were about to head into the kitchen when they began hearing noises from upstairs.

"Is that... smooth jazz I hear?" asked Pinkie.

"Sure is!"

Forgetting the kitchen, Derpy and Pinkie ever so quietly ascended the stairs and followed the trail of music. They soon found their path blocked by a door.

"Allow me, Derpy."

Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a pick and a tension wrench.

"Where did you get those Pinkie?"

"I'm afraid that's classified."

Within a few minutes, the locked clicked and the door opened.

"Ha! That's a new record!" boasted Pinkie.

With the door fully opened, the smooth, seductive symphony of a saxophone filled the air. The duo did a double take at the sight before them.

They had walked right into the master bedroom!

Derpy's eyes straightened for a split second as she saw one object.

"Muff—"

"Shhh!" scolded Pinkie as she restrained a flailing Derpy, "you're gonna give away our position!"

Muffin was there right before them, seated at a romantically lit table at the far end of the room. A chair was pulled back, waiting for a pony to place their rump on it. A private bathroom connected to the bedroom at the opposite end of the room. From behind it, the sounds of running water and terrible singing could be heard.

Pinkie took in the scene before her and pieced together what she could.

"Is this supposed to be date? Who dates a Muffin!? Well, I'd date a cupcake. But that's besides the point!"

"I think the thief is behind that door," Pinkie deduced, "Should we confront him or should we grab Muffin and leave the building?"

"Muffin is right there! I need to rescue him right now!" Derpy whined as she stamped in place.

Derpy was about to fly in and grab Muffin but was halted by Pinkie.

"No, wait," Pinkie said, blocking the doorway with a hoof, "I doubt that our thief would leave Muffin in such a vulnerable position."

Scrounging around in her mane for a bit, Pinkie pulled out a can of aerosol.

"Let's just make sure we don't walk into a trap."

Pinkie sprayed the aerosol back and forth across the room. Once a sufficient amount had been sprayed, she placed the can back in her mane.

"Wait for it," Pinkie smiled a knowing smile.

Derpy gasped as the room suddenly changed from a cozy bedroom, to a disco. Red lasers were strategically placed throughout the room, weaving a pattern of instant doom for anyone so foolish to enter.

"Allow me, Derpy."

With the skill of a gold medal gymnast, Pinkie danced, bounced and contorted her way through the lasers. Derpy found herself wondering whether or not Pinkie had any bones in her pink body. Perhaps she was made of helium?

Once she'd manuevered her way through the laser maze, Pinkie found herself near a switch. Upon flipping it, the lasers were deactivated allowing for Derpy's entrance.

"Wow Pinkie, that was so cool! You were look this and then you were like that! And how did you twist your neck around like that?" praised Derpy as she did her best impression of a soggy, wet noodle.

"It's all in the technique," Pinkie bragged, adjusting her detective hat, "now let's get a move on."

The duo snailed their way towards Muffin. The slightest noise could alert the thief in the bathroom, compromising the mission. Although, on the plus side, it would interrupt his awful singing.

CRASH

Pinkie jolted in response to the abrupt bang. She turned her head to find that Derpy had somehow managed to force her rump through the floorboards. As a result, she was left hanging in place.

"My bad!"

"Oh crud! This isn't good," Pinkie panicked, "let's get you out of there quickly Derpy."

Pinkie tugged at Derpy while Derpy flapped her wings. The combined effort was a bit too much though. When Derpy suddenly popped out, the sudden shift left Pinkie off balance. She tumbled backwards, slamming right into the private bathroom door. Luckily, it held. However, that did not stop the stallion inside from noticing the huge bang.

"Muffin? Muffin is okay?" the stallion could be heard turning off the water, most likely getting ready to step out.

"Aww crumbs! Quick Derpy, we gotta hide!"

The two ponies scattered in pursuit of a quick hiding place. Pinkie slid under the huge bed while Derpy flew up to the ceiling. They watched and waited as the door slowly slide open, revealing Joe.

"Muffin?" he called out, worry etched on his face.

After looking around for a bit, Joe found Muffin exactly where he'd left it. He trotted up to Muffin and gave it a playful nibble.

"Don't worry Muffin, Daddy gone be there soon," he whispered in a sultry, half-lidded gaze.

"Eww!"

"What? Who there!?" demanded Joe, ears perked. He began pacing around the room, searching for any hidden ponies. He lifted plant pots, opened wardrobes and checked behind curtains. After a few minutes of searching, he'd exhausted every hiding spot, except for one.

Underneath the bed.

Joe deliberately sauntered over to the bed. His mouth twisted into a victory grin as he slowly bent over, ready to bust any intruders.

"Gotcha!" he exclaimed at the top of his lungs.

There was nothing there.

"Hmm?" grumbled Joe as he stuck his head in even further. Upon further examination, he could confirm that there really was no one there.

Joe shrugged his shoulders and returned to the bathroom. He had a hot date date to prepare for, only the best was acceptable for Muffin after all. Once he'd closed the door, the two mares emerged from their hiding places. Derpy flew down from the ceiling while Pinkie released the breath she'd been holding, causing her to deflate and sink back down from the spongy mattress.

"That was waaay too close," Pinkie sighed, wiping the sweat from her brow. "Let's grab Muffin and leave while we have the chance. We can confront Joe about this whole mess later."

"Good idea Pinkie," Derpy readily agreed, eager to leave the building at the earliest convenience.

Derpy trotted back to the table. In one swift motion, she swept Muffin up into a loving hug and gave him a big kiss.

"Oh Muffin I missed you so much! I wonder what terrible things he's done to you. Don't worry, you're safe now my little Muffin," she coddled.

"Uh oh, it looks like Joe might have taken a few bites," Pinkie observed.

Derpy took a moment to carefully examine Muffin. Pinkie was right, from its original watermelon size, Muffin had shrunken by about a half. Not good.

"Don't worry Muffin, I'll make sure no bad guys ever steal you again," comforted Derpy as she slowly stroked Muffin's top.

"Come on Derpy, let's get outta here."

The two quickly made their way for the exit.

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING

INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!

COMMENCING LOCKDOWN!

The two mares gasped as the exit door swung shut, leaving them trapped inside with the thief. The only other exit was through the bathroom, where Joe was.

"Quick! The door!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Derpy flew into action, slamming into the door in a desperate attempt to open it. To her despair, it didn't move an inch.

"Open Sesame!" Derpy stuck out her hooves as a magician would when casting a spell.

Pinkie took over, trying her best to pick the lock as quickly as possible.

"Got it!" Pinkie rejoiced as she heard the lock click. She bucked it with her hind hooves, producing a similar result to Derpy's attempts.

"It's been barricaded! It's probably because we triggered the alarm."

"Let's go through the hole I made," Derpy suggested as she trotted over to it and tried to squirm through. Unfortunately, it wasn't large enough for an adult pony to fit through.

"Quick! We need to hide again," Pinkie stressed as she made a beeline for underneath the bed.

"Not so fast."

Both mares froze in place as the voice of a stallion reached their ears.

"Muffin... Muffin is mine!"

Case Closed

Tension filled the cramped room in which three ponies stood. The stallion of the three, blocked the locked exit door with his massive frame, an angry scowl plastered across his usually friendly muzzle. The pink mare stood poised in a fighting stance with her front hooves in the air, ready to bounce into action at the first signs of trouble. The grey mare firmly cradled a muffin to her chest.

"Shh, it's alright Muffin. Mommy is here now," she whispered.

The only sounds which served to break the tense atmosphere, were the drip-drip of a shower head, and the bubbling of Pinkie's pipe. Somepony was going to have to make the first move, but who?

"I say one more time," Joe growled, "give Muffin here, or I take him from you!"

"Muffin belongs to us!" Pinkie countered. "You have no right to keep him locked away from his rightful owner!"

As the two held a verbal sparring match, Derpy did some thinking.

"When Twilight took a bite of Muffin, she went crazy! But only for a short while. She snapped out of it when I snatched Muffin from her. Same thing with the guard. He went crazy, but returned to normal after I took Muffin from him. Why isn't Joe returning to normal now that we've taken Muffin back? Could it be that he's had Muffin for too long? Was he unable to handle Muffin's awesomeness!? Is Joe ever going to go back to normal? Why does everyone go crazy when they bite Muffin?"

Derpy was interrupted from her thoughts by Joe's sudden outburst.

"You take back right now!"

"Only if you take back what you said about my mane," Pinkie snapped. "Don't insult my do, especially since I know kung-fu!"

"Have your way," Joe answered as he reached into his pocket. "Since you no give me Muffin peacefully, maybe I use... force!"

With practiced precision, Joe launched a fusillade of jelly muffins straight at Pinkie. She kart-wheeled to the right, narrowly dodging each one of them. They collided against the wall with a fruit-flavored splat.

"Ha! Is that the best you can do?" Pinkie mocked as she reached into her mane. "Two can play this game!"

Pinkie countered Joe's assault with a barrage of cupcakes. Joe made a mad dash for the nearby couch. He cried out in agony as one of the cupcakes struck him in the side. As he took cover, he checked his injuries.

"Ahh it burns! What you put in this!?" he hissed.

Pinkie playfully smirked.

"Raisins!"

Joe's spine shivered in fear. This would be a risky battle.

"Just let us go Joe!" Derpy pleaded. "No pony needs to be hurt today!"

"Never!" protested Joe.

"Fine! Have it your way!" Derpy answered. "Either way, we're leaving with Muffin!"

Joe was fuming at this point. Who did they think they were? No one threatens his muffin and gets away with it!

"Take this!" shouted Joe as he blindly threw a muffin over the couch.

Luck was on Joe's side. The muffin struck Pinkie square in the chest.

"I'm hit! I'm hit!" she cried. "Leafy green vegetables! It buuurns! Mediiiiic!"

Derpy tied Muffin to her head with a string and sprung into action.

"We need to get to cover Pinkie!"

Derpy overturned the dinner table and dragged it back into the corner where Pinkie was before Joe had a chance to fire again.

"Quick.. get the first aid kit from... my mane," wheezed Pinkie.

Derpy gave a sharp salute as she dove into Pinkie's mane. She retrieved the first aid kit, opened it and grabbed the sugar pack. Derpy carefully poured the sugar over the area where the lettuce muffin had struck Pinkie.

"Ahh... much better. Thank you my lowly assistant."

"You're welcome Pinkie. But we still have other problems."

"Right," Pinkie agreed. "we need to figure out how we're going to knock Joe out and get that key."

The two mares were interrupted when another muffin landed between them. This one was a sickly green and had a fuse attached to it.

"Asparagus muffin!" shouted Pinkie. "Move move move!"

With little time to spare, the duo vaulted over the table, escaping the nutrient rich asparagus bomb. However, this left them vulnerable to Joe. He had taken the opportunity to plan out his attack, and now had them right where he wanted them.

"Didn't your mother tell you eat your vegetables!?" Joe maniacally laughed as he launched a hail of vegetable muffins at the two mares.

"Evasive maneuvers!" Derpy instructed.

With the skill of an acrobat and the clumsiness of a teenage colt at prom night, the two weaved their way through the incoming baked goods of doom. Pinkie tore the nearby curtains and shielded herself and Derpy with it.

"Return fire!" Pinkie yelled.

Both Pinkie and Derpy launched a counterattack. Pinkie threw her ever so deadly raisin muffins while Derpy tossed her home-made macaroni muffins. With Derpy being the awful cook she was, her muffins would undoubtedly prove a useful weapon in any fight.

The mares slowly gained ground, Joe floated the couch with him as he fell back. Soon, he was cornered, as well as out of ammo. A stray macaroni muffin found itself on Joe's face.

"Oh the agony!" he screamed, desperately trying to scrape the muffin off of his face.

"How's my cooking!?" Derpy laughed as she kept up her attack.

"We got him now Derpy!" cheered Pinkie.

Injured, exhausted and all out of ammo. Joe pondered his next course of action.

There was only one sensible thing left to do...

"You'll never take me alive!" Joe yelled as he dashed towards Derpy, intent on grabbing Muffin. Unfortunately for him, he didn't notice the rump-shaped hole in the floor.

Joe's hoof struck the hole, causing him to stumble and plummet forward. His horn got caught in the floorboards, leaving him in a questionable position. Good thing he wasn't in prison. Pinkie took the new found opportunity to grab the door's key from Joe's pocket. He growled and wildly flailed his hooves in protest.

"Well, I think this mystery has been solved!" Pinkie bragged, puffing on her pipe.

"No! Give my muffin! He's miiiiine!" Joe protested.

"Pinkie," Derpy sighed, "I think that Muffin made Joe turn crazy. He hasn't returned to normal even though we've taken Muffin back."

"Well. that would explain his funny way of talking."

"Pinkie, why does everyone go crazy whenever they bite Muffin?" Derpy asked as she gazed at Muffin.

"I guess you should know since he is yours. Derpy, I put a very special ingredient into Muffin. It's an ingredient so delicious, so delectable, so positively scrumptious, that only a few ponies are able to withstand it's flavor assault."

"Wouldn't that be kind of dangerous?"

"Yes, it might be. That's why I asked you to not share Muffin. I also didn't expect you to decide to keep him forever. But that's okay if you want to. Personally, I like seeing Muffin everyday. However, if you're going to keep Muffin for a long time, it's best that you keep him closely guarded. Look at what Muffin has done to Joe! He's taken too many bites and now he's gone super crazy!"

Pinkie and Derpy took a glance at Joe, who was feverishly working to dislodge his horn. His position was now even more suggestive.

         "Me no crazy! Me is okay!" he argued, spittle flying from his mouth.

"Maybe we should take Joe to a specialist?" Derpy suggested.

"We should take him to Twilight. She's positively the smartest pony ever! She'll have Joe back to normal before you can say chimicherrychanga!"

"Chimicherrychanga! Now me is normal, you can give Muffin back now!"

"Your twisted logic won't work on us!" Derpy proclaimed.

"But, one question remains..." Pinkie realized.

"What is it?"

"How the hay are we going to carry him?"

   The two glanced over at Joe, still working to dislodge his horn. His efforts were beginning to weaken, but he carried on like a soldier.

"Mommy!? Daddy!? Help!" he cried.

"What a baby," Derpy remarked.

"He's under the influence Derpy, I'm sure that Joe is a perfectly normal stallion when he's not being crazy. Maybe..."

"Me is right here!" Joe exclaimed, his voice expressing both anger and shame.

"Joe's right Derpy," Pinkie frowned. "It's rude to make rude comments about ponies. Even if they really are crazy."

"Hey!"

"Mmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmmmm!"

"Oh would you calm down?" Derpy pleaded.

"Mmm mmm!" Joe mumbled through his gag as he tried to undo his bindings. His efforts proved fruitless however, he was completely at the mercy of his captors.

"Don't worry Joe, we'll have you right as rain in no time at all!" Pinkie chimed, doing her best to calm Joe down.

"He better get back to normal soon," Derpy added as she stroked Muffin, "I don't want him sneaking into my house again anytime soon."

"How are you managing back there Big Mac?" asked Pinkie. "Can you go on for just a teensy weensy bit longer?"

"Eeyup!" Big Mac managed to choke out as he struggled to carry Joe on his back.

"Are you sure? It looks like you're having a hard time." Derpy observed.

"He ain't exactly... the lightest of stallions."

Joe snorted.

"We're almost at the library." Pinkie pointed out.

As the group made their way towards the library, ponies couldn't help but stare. It wasn't everyday that you saw such an odd sight. Why in the world was Joe tied up and being carried around like an infant? Why did Derpy have a half eaten muffin tied to her head? Why was Pinkie wearing a detective hat?

All of a sudden, Big Mac collapsed, sending Joe face first into the dirt road.

"Boy really needs ta lay off those doughnuts," he panted.

"Mmmmmph!" Joe groaned in pain.

With the help of both Pinkie and Derpy, Big Mac managed to replace Joe on his back and continue the trek to the library.

"Almost there!"

Pinkie bounce-slammed through the library's front door, opening it for Derpy and Big Mac. Big Mac made a beeline for the nearest surface to dump Joe upon.

He grunted as he allowed Joe to slid off of his back and into the nearby couch which creaked in protest to the sudden weight.

"Eeeyup..." he sighed in relief.

The sound of hoof steps from upstairs caught everyone's attention.

"Pinkie, you do know that the door has a knob, right?" Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow. "Why don't you try using it sometime?"

"But bouncing through is soooo much fun!" Pinkie replied.

"As well as crashing through the window!" Derpy added.

"I see"—Twilight rubbed her nose bridge—"Well, what can I do for you guys? And why is Big Mac here?"

"He helped us carry Joe over here," Derpy clarified, "he was too heavy for us to carry by ourselves after we caught him."

"Come again?" Twilight asked. "You two caught Joe?"

"We sure did Twilight!" said Pinkie. "We even managed to get Muffin back!"

Derpy pointed to Muffin, sitting comfortably atop her head.

"It was a risky battle, but we triumphed in the end," Pinkie declared, striking a victory pose with Derpy.

Big Mac interrupted with a cough.

"Oh that's right!" Pinkie suddenly remembered. She fished around in her mane for a few second before pulling out an apple cupcake. "It's all yours big guy! Thanks for your help."

Big Mac's eyes sparkled like diamonds once he caught sight of his appley prize.

"Thank ya kindly Miss Pinkie," he managed to say whilst holding the cupcake in his mouth. He exited the library, leaving the three mares and an unhappy stallion behind.

Usually, Joe would be delighted to find himself tied up, gagged and all alone in the presence of three beautiful mares. Then again, Joe wasn't in his right mind. His horn lit up as he secretly worked to undo his restraints.

"So, you've caught Joe and gotten your muffin back," Twilight observed. "What made you decide to bring him to my library rather than the guards?"

"Joe's gone cuckoo for Muffins!" answered Derpy.

"What do you mean by... cuckoo for Muffins?" Twilight asked, face scrunching up in curiosity.

"Maybe you should took a look for yourself, Twilight," Pinkie replied.

The trio trotted over to the couch where Big Mac had deposited Joe.

"Where is he?"

"I could've sworn that Big Mac left him right here," Pinkie stated.

In a flash, Joe pounced from behind the couch, intent on snatching Muffin from Derpy.

"Muffin!" he shouted, his battle cry echoing throughout the library.

With lightning quick reflexes, Twilight zapped Joe with her magic. He instantly fell asleep, face slamming into the wooden floor.

"Ok," Twilight panted from the sudden exertion, "I can see your point."

"So, Twilight, could you take a look at Joe for us? Maybe you can fix him with your magic?" Derpy pleaded. "I don't want him coming after me again anytime soon. Muffin's going to need some time to readjust after being kidnapped for so long."

"Alright, I'll take a look at him. I'll need to get a few things first though, could you two get Joe on the couch while I go upstairs real quick?

"Okey dokey lokey!"

"You got it Twilight."

Twilight trotted upstairs, leaving the two mares temporarily. They both glanced at Joe's unconscious form.

"So," Derpy began, prodding Joe with a hoof, "how are we going to move him exactly?"

"I'll grab one end, you grab the other," Pinkie instructed.

Both mares took their positions. On the count of three they lifted with all their might. Unfortunately for them, Joe didn't even budge.

"How in the world did Big Mac even manage to carry him?" Derpy panted.

"Well, he is a stallion," Twilight pointed out as she descended the stairs.

"True, true," Derpy agreed.

Twilight levitated with her a notepad and a quill, ready to jot down notes. Her mane was tied into a bun and a pair of glasses were perched upon her muzzle, giving her a very professional look. She noticed that poor Joe was still laying upon the hard wood floor.

"Couldn't move him?" she asked.

"He's too heavy!" Pinkie whined.

"I'll move him then."

Twilight placed her materials on the table. Focusing her magic, she attempted to levitate Joe into the air and on the couch.

She couldn't move him.

"Wha... wha... what?" Twilight huffed. "He's the heaviest thing in the world! I'm surprised Big Mac even managed to lift him in the first place!"

"So what now?" Derpy inquired.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to examine him while he's knocked out on the floor! Simple as that."

"Poor Joe," Pinkie sighed.

"I'm going to be performing several examinations which may take awhile. Perhaps you two should leave and come back later?"

Pinkie and Derpy thought it over for a moment. Should they stay, or not?

"I'll stay," Derpy answered, voice taking on a sad tone, "I feel like this sorta my fault ya know, since I was the one who let him get Muffin in the first place."

A tear threatened to roll down from Derpy's eye. Pinkie took notice and immediately gave it a death glare, causing it to shrivel into nonexistence.

"No it's not Derpy," Pinkie declared. "Joe was the one who got greedy and snatched Muffin in the first place. If he wasn't such a meanie pants, none of these would have happened!"

"She's right Derpy. This isn't your fault in the slightest. Dont feel so negative."

"Alright"—Derpy wiped her nose with her hoof—"thanks for cheering me up guys."

"Hey! That's what friends are for silly!" Pinkie giggled. "Hey, I have an idea!"

"And what would that be, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

"Group hug!"

Pinkie's hooves stretched out to a physically impossible degree, grabbing both Derpy and Twilight and pulling them into a fierce hug. Both victims laughed and warmly returned the gesture.

"Alright, I need to go now. The Cakes are gonna need my help to tidy up the store later. Be sure to let me know how Joe's doing!"

"Gotcha!" Derpy responded.

"See ya later Pinkie!" Twilight smiled.

"Later alligators!"

Pinkie bounced her way to the exit, but not before spinning around in mid air to make one final statement.

"I, Master Detective Pinkie Pie, officially announce this case closed!"

On that note, Pinkie removed her hat and stashed it into her mane, bouncing out of the store.

"Oh boy I've always wanted to say that!" she exclaimed as she faded into the distance.

"She sure is something isn't she?" Twilight laughed. "I'm blessed to have a friend like here."

"Me too Twilight, me too."

"So, are you going to stay here and watch?"

"Yeah, I'll stay."

"Yes!" Twilight cheered. "I've always wanted to have an audience while I perform my tests. Usually Spike would keep me company, but he's off in the Crystal Empire with Cadence and Shining..."

"I'll be happy to watch!" stated Derpy. "Let's get started!"

"Of course! Have a seat in the couch."

Twilight pulled up her own chair as she levitated the notepad and quill towards her. She readied her magic to perform a thorough psychiatric examination.

"Alright. I'm going to perform what's known as a—"

Snore

Derpy cuddled with Muffin as she slept, Twilight effectively boring her to sleep in two seconds flat. All in all, it was a truly adorable sight. As Derpy snored, Twilight carried on, blissfully unaware of her dead audience as she recited facts about the pony's brain, and how it could be explored through the application of modern day magic and medicine.

Six hours later

"And we're done!" exclaimed Twilight. "How did you enjoy the live demonstration, Derpy?"

"Huh!? What..." Derpy jolted awake, nose bubble popping. "It... was great! Awesome!"

"That's a relief," Twilight sighed, "I was hoping that I didn't bore you to sleep."

"Nope, not at all!" Derpy assured her. "So, how's Joe doing?"

"Based off of my examinations of Joe's psyche, he appears to be in some sort of trance. I'm not sure what may have caused this condition. If I were to guess, I would say it was caused by some sort of ingredient or chemical."

"You're right about that," Derpy confirmed, "Joe went crazy because he took a bite of Muffin here."

Derpy handed Muffin over to Twilight so she could take a look at it.

"Say, this is the same muffin I bit earlier, isn't it?"

"It is. You too went crazy after you bit it, but you went back to normal after I took Muffin from you."

"So, that's what happened to me on that day," Twilight realized. She gazed at the half-eaten muffin in her hoof. "Derpy, you really should be careful with this thing you know. I don't want to know what Pinkie put in it, but it was most likely something crazy. Not just anypony can withstand the flavor assault."

"Don't worry Twilight, Muffin here isn't leaving my side ever again."

"That's good to know," Twilight smiled as she handed Muffin back over to Derpy. "Anyway, about Joe. He'll need some time to return to normal. Overexposure to the ingredient has boggled his mind a bit, if it wasn't boggled a bit already! I digress, that was a bit rude. I'd say that Joe's taken about three or four bites of the muffin based on the amount of the ingredient present in his bloodstream."

Derpy gasped, "Three or four whole bites!? That's awful!" She gave Muffin a comforting kiss in an effort to ease his pain.

"I'm afraid so Derpy," Twilight acknowledged. "Joe will be fine in about a week as long as he isn't exposed to the ingredient again. Hopefully he'll be able to get back to work soon, I sure do miss his doughnuts!" Twilight smacked her lips in her approval.

"It's too bad this all even happened in the first place," Derpy fretted. She trotted over to Joe and poked him with a hoof. "Why'd you have to be so greedy? Huh?" she teased.

"I'm sure he's learned his lesson Derpy," Twilight laughed at the display.

"It's getting late," Derpy pointed out, "what are we going to do with Joe?"

"You should report this to the guards. Hopefully they'll be able to carry him to the hospital where he can recover."

"No! Me no want to go to hospital! I wants muffins, not needles!" Joe blurted, suddenly awakening.

Twilight cringed at the slaughter of the Equestrian language.

"Yup, you're definitely going to the hospital."

Derpy had reported the incident to the guards, who were quite shocked to hear that a theft had occurred. Equestria was supposed to be peaceful after all. After Derpy had filled out some paperwork concerning the crime, Bronze Wing had been sent to retrieve Joe from the library and escort him to the hospital for recovery. He'd had been unable to carry Joe and had to call for assistance. It had taken three additional guards to successfully restrain and carry Joe to the hospital. They dropped him off on the hospital bed which had been reserved for him.

Derpy had accompanied them all the way. She sat in the room with a tranquilized Joe.

"I hope you've learned you lesson Mr. Joe. Nobody messes with Muffin and I!" she boasted, waving Muffin in front of Joe's face to add insult to injury. Joe rolled his eyes in response. "You be good, once you're all better, maybe we can hang out sometime. I'll be sure to visit you often."

On that note, Derpy left the room with her beloved Muffin, who wouldn't be leaving her sight for a long time.

Joe watched in misery as the object of his affection was carried away.

"Me is sorry," he managed to mumble through the numbness.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both sat at their thrones in the throne room, the methodical rustling of paper serving as background ambience. Their horns glowed with magic as they magically went through a pile of papers, detailing any incidents in the kingdom. It was their responsibility to know about any occurrences within Equestria.

"Look sister," Luna pointed out, "there has been petty name calling incident in Appleoosa between the residents and the local buffalo."

"How interesting," Celesita quipped.

"Why must thou be so annoying dear sister? Tis a good thing that our kingdom is so peaceful! Things were much, much worse in the previous millennium."

"They were, which is why things weren't so boring"—Celestia sighed and brushed her mane out of her face—"I think I can see why Discord wanted to cause a bit of chaos in this dull place."

"Point taken," acknowledged Luna.

"Hmm, what's this?" Celestia asked, her interest piqued by the text on the paper. "There's been a theft in Ponyville? Why it's been years since the last theft! Finally a little bit of mischief!"

"Don't become so excited sister, tis merely a petty theft, nothing special."

"I know I know. At least now I have an excuse to visit Twilight and her friends for a short while."

"We shall hold down the fort in thine absence then."

"Thanks Lulu!" Celestia teased as she nuzzled Luna. "I'll leave first thing in the morning tomorrow. I shall give the criminal a stern talking too, lollygag with Twilight for a short while, then return as soon as possible. Finally I can get a little time off. This theft will be a perfect excuse to flee the castle for a bit."

"Very well. And don't call me that, Cellie!" Luna countered.

"My deepest apologies... Lulu."

"Stoooooooop!"

Another One Bits the Crust

Here We Go Again

"Hey, Strong Hoof! Wake up!"

BANG

"Bwah!?" blurted the victim. "What the hell was that for!?"

"You're not being paid to sleep at the desk, Strong Hoof. Now sit up straight and look lively."

"Alright, alright."

Strong Hoof sighed and rubbed the crust out of his tired eyes. He found his eyes subconsciously drifting towards the nearby clock.

"Just two more hours to go till I can blow this popsicle stand. Who knew receptionist duty could be so boring?"

"Maybe this punishment will teach you to avoid skylarking during patrol," snapped Bronze Wing.

"But—"

"No buts about it. Now quit whining and start smiling."

"Grr..."

"I'm adding on an extra half hour to your shift just for that."

Strong Hoof kept his muzzle shut this time, being smart enough to avoid further quarrel. His little 'incident' during a patrol had earned him punishment in the form of early morning receptionist duty. Needless to say, he wasn't too keen on misbehaving anytime in the near future.

His hoof reached for the nearby cup of coffee. A bit of caffeine was crucial for staying awake during the shifts, especially when you were the receptionist at a guard station. There were seldom any visitors in the ungodly hours of the morning, further adding to his boredom.

"Who commits a crime at seven in the morning?" he mused before sipping from his cup.

"You'd be surprised," answered another guard who was munching on a hayburger.

As he sipped, the door chime rang, signaling someone's entrance.

"Hello," greeted the pony with a benevolent tone.

Strong Hoof slowly lowered his mug to greet the new arrival, still drinking from his coffee.

"P-princess!? How can I—"

Strong Hoof choked and gagged while the rest of the guards snapped to attention.

"Princess!" they chorused.

Celestia raised a hoof, signaling for them to be at ease. They carried on with their activities, leaving Strong Hoof to assist the princess.

"How... how can I help you princess?" he asked with a nervous smile, coffee trailing out from his nose.

"Relax my little pony, I'm not here for anything too serious," assured Celestia, "I just wanted to ask a few quick questions concerning a minor incident which occurred recently."

Strong Hoof snapped to attention, eager to serve his princess, "Of course princess. How may I be of assistance?"

"It has been brought to my attention that a theft has occurred in Ponyville. As I'm sure you all know, these crimes are not to be taken lightly, and I prefer to personally deal with any offenders myself. This sends a strong message, discouraging any further thefts."

"Understood," replied Strong Hoof, nodding his understanding, "the offender, Muffin Joe, is currently in Ponyville Hospital, where he is recovering from a minor ailment."

"Muffin Joe?" gasped Celestia in disbelief. "Wait, wasn't his name Doughnut Joe? Also, you mentioned an ailment? What would that be?"

"The offender isn't currently in his right mind, princess. We were informed of this by the reporter of the crime. He was escorted to the hospital so that he could recover before facing any charges."

"Was he in his right mind when he committed the theft?"

"We are unsure, princess. We cannot begin questioning him until he returns to normal."

"Who reported the incident?"

"It was Derpy Hooves, princess. She was the victim of the theft."

"I see. I shall have to have a word with her after I've spoken with Doughnut... err... Muffin Joe. Thank you for your assistance, Strong Hoof."

"It was a pleasure, princess."

Celestia promptly left, making her way towards the hospital. She was unsure how she was going to talk to a mentally impaired stallion, but she would find a way.

"Great, my first time meeting the princess and I looked like an idiot," mumbled Strong Hoof.

"You still do," quipped a nearby guard, to the amusement of everypony else in the room.

"Who visits a hospital patient at seven in the morning?" groaned Derpy, "why can't we go later? Muffin didn't get his full nine hours of sleep."

"The sooner we visit him, the sooner we can know how he's doing silly! " answered Pinkie, bouncing along with energy in spite of the early morning. "We need to make sure Joe is feeling alright, seeing as how we're some of the only ones who know what's truly wrong with him. I hope the muffin's effects have at least calmed down a bit by now."

"Muffin didn't mean to make Joe go crazy, Joe just couldn't handle him," Derpy declared. "Isn't that right my little Muffin?"

"..."

"Oh Muffin, you're so silly!" giggled Derpy.

"What did Twilight tell you about Joe's condition?" Pinkie inquired. "How long till he's back to making doughnuts? Or will he keep making muffins? Hmm... I need to prepare a Happy Recovery Party for him. Should the theme be doughnuts or muffins?"

"Twilight told me that Joe would take about a week to fully recover."

"That doesn't mean we can't still visit, Derpy. Joe's our friend, and we all got stuck in this mess together. We need to make sure he's ok, and let him know that we're still his friends. The more friends, the better!"

"Wow Pinkie," Derpy began, "it amazes me how friendly you are with everypony. I hope Muffin here can learn a thing or two about friendship from you."

"Oh stop it you," answered Pinkie, blushing at the sincere compliment.

After a few more minutes, the hospital came into view. Pinkie walked in first, but rather than entering the building, she simply walked around in the rotating doorway.

"Hey! This is fun! It's like a mini carousel!"

Derpy attempted to join in, but bonked her head against the door. Pinkie laughed, slowing down so that Derpy could enter. The two ponies spun and spun until the carousel was a blur.

Derpy, unable to keep up with Pinkie's pace, was launched into the hospital with astonishing speed. She collided with the front desk, shocking the mare sitting behind it.

"Umm... hello?"

"Hey... you have three heads! Are... are you a wizard?" asked a dizzy Derpy.

"Hi Nurse Redheart!" greeted Pinkie, having just finished playing with the door. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking," she replied with a smile. "So, how may I be of assistance?"

"Derpy and I are here to visit a patient," Pinkie clarified.

"Ya," agreed Derpy, "we're looking for Mr. Doughnut Joe. Or should I say Mr. Muffin Joe?"

"Ahh, Mr. Joe. He's quite and interesting case. I still can't believe he had his name changed. Twilight stopped by the hospital earlier and explained the whole situation to us."

"How is he doing?" asked Derpy.

"Well, after having had his stomach pumped to help rid him of the substances, Joe's doing much better now. Although, he keeps mentioning muffins every now and then for some reason. Plus his grammar is still a tad bit awful. He should be good as new in a few days rather than a week!"

"Awesome!" cheered Pinkie. "What room is he staying in? We'd like to see him."

"It's a bit early for visitors, but I suppose I can let you two slide in."

Nurse Redheart turned to face her computer. A few keystrokes and mouse clicks later, she found Joe's information in the patient database.

"Alright, let's see... Joe is in room 314. Take the elevator to the third floor and make a right. His room will be at the end of the hall, you can't miss it."

"Third floor, make a right, at the end of the hall," Pinkie confirmed. "Got it."

"As a formality, you two need to take these visitor tags with you," added Nurse Redheart.

Pinkie and Derpy retrieved the tags from the desk. Pinkie stuck hers on her forehead while Derpy stuck hers on her cheek.

"Well?" Derpy asked, pressing an unknown issue.

"Well... what?"

"Aren't you forgetting something, Miss Nurse Pants? Surely someone as smart as you would now that there's something wrong here."

Nurse Redheart playfully rolled her eyes. She grabbed another visitor tag and handed it over to Derpy, who promptly stuck it onto Muffin.

"Forgive me please," she smirked.

"I'll have to ask Muffin if he forgives you first," Derpy answered. "Well, do you forgive her Muffin?"

"..."

"Muffin forgives you," she confirmed.

"Thanks for everything nurse!"

"No problem you two. Tell Joe I said hi!"

With everything said and done, the two mares made their way over to the elevator. One jazzy ride later, they found themselves on the third floor.

"Alright, let's go—wait, where are we supposed to go again?" inquired Pinkie.

"Third floor, make a left, at the end of the hall," clarified Derpy.

Pinkie led the way, trotting towards the door at the end of the left hallway.

"Let's see what's behind door number one," Pinkie whispered as she eased it open.

"Alright class," began a middle aged mare, "take this end and slowly pull it over the banana like so."

The mare demonstrated for the class, grabbing the banana with both hooves very, very slowly. A clique of adolescent colts chuckled amongst themselves in the back. One of them made a very lewd gesture using his own banana while another was tying ballon animals using the rubbery material.

Hmm.

Wait just one cherry picking minute.

"Wrong room!" shouted Pinkie, burning like fire and slamming the door a bit too harshly. "Nothing to see here Derpy!"

"What's the matter Pinkie?" asked Derpy, flying forward a bit. "I wanna see I wanna see!"

"N-no! Nothing is there! Let's just go."

The two walked back next to the elevator.

"So, make a left huh?"

Derpy merely shrugged in response, wearing a scrunchy facial expression.

Pinkie blew her mane out of her face, "Alright, let's try the right hallway then."

Derpy led the way this time, flying towards the door at the end of the hallway.

"Open it quietly, we don't want to disturb Joe if he's sleeping," Pinkie stressed.

"Don't worry, I'll be as quiet as a mouse that's super quiet!" assured Derpy.

WHAM

"Eeeeeeeek!"

"Hmm, I think we have the wrong room."

"No siree, that's definitely Joe over there," confirmed Pinkie.

"No, I could've sworn I just heard a mare. What do you think Muffin?"

"..."

"Why are you frightened all of a sudden Muffin?" asked Derpy, pure concern in her voice. She coddled Muffin in her hooves.

"It's probably because he's in the same room as his former captor," Pinkie pointed out. "I dunno, that's just my opinion. Maybe he saw a ghost? Oh! I know! Maybe he—"

"What is you three doing here?"

Joe quickly became the center of attention as two heads, and a muffin, snapped towards him.

"Oh! So it really was Joe! That's strange, I didn't know that stallions could sound like that."

"Hi Joe!" began Pinkie. "We just decided to walk on over to the hospital and see how you were doing and we were wondering if there's anything in particular that we can do to help make you feel at least a teensy bit more—"

"What she's trying to say," interrupted Derpy, "is that we're here to see how you're doing."

"Well, me could be better honestly," Joe shrugged.

"I'll say. Look at the breakfast they left here! Toast and hay? Where's the sugar here?"

Pinkie reached into her mane and replaced the dish with a cupcake, muffin and doughnut combo, complete with a few apples and a fizzy grape drink.

"That's better!"

Joe reached for the fizzy grape drink, spilling a bit on the floor due to his sluggishness, "So, you saw how me is doing. What now?"

"Well, Pinkie and I have been doing some talking, and"—Derpy paused to gather her thoughts—"this whole situation is pretty crazy if you think about it really. I mean... you stole a muffin from me, of all things. You could've stolen some food, or maybe some bits. But nope! You go straight for Muffin here! Can you imagine how he must've felt? Being abducted from his home like that?"

"No," Joe answered, shriveling under the hospital bedsheets. "Me is sorry, really. Me shouldn't have take your muffin like that. It was yours, not me. Me feel really bad. Me only wanted to use it to win the National Dessert Competition. But, me no expect it to take over my mind once I taste it! Me was a stupid foal..."

"Well, I guess we can say that you bite off more than you could chew!" giggled Pinkie.

"Look, Joe. I accept your apology, because as Muffin's owner and or mother, I try to set a good example for him. Forgiveness is important."

"Muffins! Err... I mean... thank you. Thank you Derpy Hooves for forgive me."

"I'm not the only one you should be apologizing too."

"Me is sorry to you too, Pinkie."

"Oh it's okay Joey. As long as you've learned your lesson, I see no reason to hold a grudge. Besides, that food fight was fantastic! We should do it again sometime! Although, perhaps with less deadly vegetables."

"So, is we all good now?"

"Not yet, Mr Joe," Derpy declared. "There's somemuffin else you need to apologize to."

With a look between Derpy's fore hooves, Joe found himself staring at the bite marks scarring Muffin's otherwise immaculate appearance. As a baker himself, he knew how to appreciate the effort and skill put into making such a treat. It must've been absolutely astonishing when it was newly made. No bite marks, no nothing. It had been the epitome of all things delicious, worthy of both Celestia's and Luna's highest praises. Now, even though it was still rather dashing, its beauty had been diminished. And, for contributing partially to that, Joe felt truly awful inside.

"M-me sorry, Muffin!" Joe managed to choke out, just before the tears began.

"Aww, you poor thing," Derpy muttered to herself. She placed Muffin on her head and reached out to give Joe a hug. "Hush now, it's  okay. Muffin forgives you. Isn't that right, Muffin?"

"..."

"See?"

"Me sorry! Me sorry!" he cried, soaking Derpy's coat with his tears.

"Scoot over a bit, Derpy. I wanna join in!"

Pinkie sandwiched herself between Joe and Derpy. "Don't worry Joe. Everything will be fine," she consoled.

After a few more minutes, Joe managed to regain control of his tear ducts. He gazed at the mares with red, puffy eyes and a runny nose, "Thank you."

"Here. You might want this."

Joe nodded his appreciation as he gratefully grabbed the napkin from Pinkie's hoof.

"Oh be quiet, Muffin. Joe is not a baby."

After tidying himself, Joe stretched out his hoof.

"We can be friend?"

With little time to spare, two hooves immediately met his. Using her free hoof, Derpy placed Muffin directly in the center of the three way hoof bump.

"Friends!" the two mares, as well as the muffin, agreed.

Knock-knock-knock

"You can came in!" Joe yelled.

"Hello Mr Joe," greeted Nurse Tenderheart, "And hello to you as well, Derpy and Pinkie. I didn't realize Joe would be having visitors today."

"Hiyah!" replied the two mares.

"I'm sorry, but could you two please leave the room for a few minutes? I need to do a quick check up on Joe. Check his heart rate, blood pressure, draw some more blood, yadayadayada."

"Okie dokie lokie! We'll be back in a bit Joe. Derpy and I are gonna go check out the cafeteria!"

A few hops later, Pinkie was out.

"Well, are you coming?" she asked, bouncing in place.

"Just a second," answered Derpy, "I'm gonna leave Muffin right here. He and Joe can have a nice friendly chat, just to get acquainted with each other.

"Good idea!"

Derpy placed Muffin on Joe's bedside table.

"Behave yourselves, both of you," she instructed, being serious for a rare second.

"Yes ma'am," Joe replied, as well as Muffin.

"I'll see you two in a bit!"

CRACK

"Derpy!? What did you do?" complained Nurse Tenderheart.

"Oops!" Derpy said before she barrel rolled out the door.

With a sigh, Nurse Tenderheart closed the door.

"Alright, Joe. Let's get started!" she chimed in a sing song voice.

With practiced proficiency, Nurse Tenderheart accurately recorded Joe's heart rate and blood pressure.

She gave a little smile, "Well well. You are perfectly healthy! No issues here. Now I just need to draw some blood and send it to the lab for analysis."

"Me no like the needles!" cried Joe. "They is too pointy!"

Knock-knock

"I'm not done yet!" Nurse Tenderheart responded.

"Please open up! It's really important!"

"Fine," she sighed as she opened the door.

"I almost forgot to mention!" Pinkie exclaimed from behind the door. "Nurse Redheart said to tell you hi!"

"Is that it?"

"Yup!"

Pinkie's face met the door a bit too intimately as Nurse Tenderheart pushed it closed.

"Don't come back for at least ten minutes, Pinkie. Please! I am trying to work here."

"Please come back! Annoy her! Me no want her to give me the needles!" he panicked. "Help me Muffin! Distract the evil lady!"

"..."

"Oh come on! Why you no help me? Didn't me treat you to a nice, romantic dinner before Pinkie and Derpy show up?"

"..."

"What do you mean spaghetti was undercooked!?"

"Are you finished talking to yourself, Mr. Joe?" Nurse Tenderheart asked in an unamused tone. "Your body may be healthy, but your mind still needs time to recover it seems."

Joe cringed as Nurse Tenderheart began sterilizing the needle.

"Please be gentle..."

Nurse Tenderheart offered a calming smile, "Oh hush you big baby. It'll be over before you know it."

Knock-knock-knock

"Yes! Me is saved!" Joe rejoiced.

"Who could that possibly be this time?"

A few grumbles later, the nurse trotted over to the door.

"Oh, hello there! Is Mr. Muffin Joe in here?"

"P-p-princess!?"

"Yup, that's me!" Celestia giggled.

Both Nurse Tenderheart and Joe bowed in respect. Celestia acknowledged them with a nod of her head. Waving a hoof she spoke, "You may rise. Please, don't fret. I'm not here to make any demands. Everypony seems to overreact when I trot into a room."

"Yes, of course princess! Sorry princess! How may I ever so humbly serve you, princess?"

"I would merely like to speak with Joe for a short while. That is all."

"At once princess! I'll leave right away, princess!"

"Huzzah!" rejoiced Joe, having been spared the extremely pointy point due to unforeseen circumstances.

Nurse Tenderheart vamoosed her way out of the tiny room. The closing of the door behind them granting the two occupants a little privacy.

"Alright, Joe," Celestia began in a firm tone, "I am going to assume you already know exactly why I've decided to visit you all the way from Canterlot." She decided not to beat around the bush, wanting to be over with the matter as swiftly as possible, yet dealing with it properly.

As he sighed, Joe took on a guilty look. He replied, "Yes, me know why you here. You is here because I steal something, yes? And since theft is bad, bad thing, you come to visit me personally and deal with problem directly?"

"Wow, I'm impressed," praised Celestia, cracking a little smile, "You just about summed it up. I was informed that you were mentally incapacitated. It would appear that this isn't the case. Although... your ruthless slaughter of the Equestrian language makes me cringe a bit."

Joe shrugged, "Me is sorry. Me can't help it."

"I see," nodded Celestia. "Anyway, I do hope you realize that some form of punishment is in order. I'm not about to let you get off scot-free for such an offense, benevolent as I may be."

"Me understands."

"Well then, Mr. Joe. What do you think—"

Knock-knock-knock-knock

"Joe, it's me, Derpy. Are you two done in there? Can I come in now? I can't stay away from Muffin too long. He starts to get the heebie-jeebies whenever I leave him for too long."

Celestia nodded to Joe, giving him permission to let her enter.

"You can came in!"

Derpy hurried inside, moving straight to Muffin the moment she entered.

"Oh Muffin I missed you so much!"

"..."

"Aww... you're so sweet Muffin."

"You only leave him for few minutes," Joe deadpanned. "And where did Pinkie went?"

"She's still in the cafeteria, raiding the sweets section," answered Derpy as she continued to nuzzle Muffin, getting a few crumbs in her fur.

"Hello, Derpy Hooves."

Derpy turned to find herself staring at none other than Princess Celestia herself.

"Oh! Hi Princess Celestia! It's so nice to see you! Look, Muffin, this is the mare I was telling you about awhile back. Mind your manners around her." Derpy placed Muffin on the floor before her. "Go on, say hi!"

"..."

"He's a little shy," blushed Derpy.

"Aww, isn't he adorable! He's lucky to have such a caring mother like you," giggled Celestia. She had been informed of Derpy Hooves' bubbly personality by Twilight's letters. Experiencing it first hand though was something else entirely. She found herself smiling a bit wider than usual as she watched the mare's antics. Her lips straightened out as she realized why she was here in the first place. "I'm going to guess that you've already spoken with Joe?"

"Yup, that's right," confirmed Derpy.

"Well, Joe needs to be punished for his thievery. I was going to make a suggestion... but I'm curious... What would you have in mind? Seeing as how you're the victim of this incident."

"Why let him go of course!"

"Pffft!" Celestia spat out, momentarily losing her decorum. She demanded, "Why on Equestria should I let a criminal offense go unpunished!?"

"Well"—Derpy picked up Muffin and placed him on her head—"for starters, both Muffin and I have forgiven him already. Joe has told us how sorry he is for his actions, and that he was being a foal when he decided to steal from me. Isn't that right Joe?"

"Ya," Joe admitted.

"Also, I know for sure that Joe has learned his lesson and won't ever do such a thing ever again! Right Joe?"

"Mhmm."

"Joe, Pinkie and I are friends now! Isn't that right, Joey?"

"Yes!" agreed Joe.

"Aaaaaand, to top it all off, Joe has agreed to allow me to eat from his shop free of charge!"

"Yeah! Wait... no I didn't—"

"Shhh, it's okay Joe. No need to argue."

Celestia took in this new information slowly. "Well," she began, "it would seem that you, and Pinkie Pie apparently, have this problem all sorted out. But still, I'm not letting this slide without some form of punishment. As such, I have come upon a suitable one."

"Cupcake?" Joe choked out, grabbing the cupcake which Pinkie had given him in an attempt to ease the incoming blow.

"Oh! Thank you," Celestia smiled. "Unfortunately, this will not ease your punishment."

"Was worth shot, right?"

"You shall perform volunteer work—"

"Muffins!" Joe burst out. "Err... sorry."

"—at the Ponyville Elderly Home for fours hours everyday," Celestia declared with a smug grin.

"What!?" cried Joe. Derpy tried to stifle a grin.

"For the next two months."

Joe was ko'd upon hearing his punishment. Derpy broke out into unrestrained laughter.

"Well, what do you think, Derpy?"

"I love it!"

"Well, I better go make it official. A few signatures here and there and he'll be all set for next week. It was nice seeing you Miss Derpy Hooves. You too Muffin."

"Bye!" waved Derpy.

"Say, before I leave—"Celestia turned back around—"do you think I could have a little bite? That muffin looks absolutely amazing. The royal chefs couldn't hold a dying candle to it."

"Uh-oh!" Derpy thought, "What do I do? What do I do? She's the princess? I couldn't refuse her! But... if she takes a bite of Muffin... she'll go crazy too! But wait... wouldn't Celestia be immune? Seeing as how she is a powerful alicorn. Plus, she does eat a lot of cake. Maybe she is used to handling the flavorful ingredients? Ahh my head hurts!"

"Derpy? Me no sure is good idea."

"I dunno, princess. What do you think, Muffin? Is it okay if Princess Celestia takes a teeny bite out of you?"

"..."

"Hmm..." Derpy pondered as she took Muffin's opinion into account.

"It's no trouble, really," Celestia assured, "I just wanted a little taste is all. It's not everyday I see perfection like that. If you don't want to give me a piece, I'll understand perfectly."

Celestia made her way to the door, but was interrupted by Derpy.

"Answer me this. You are a really powerful alicorn right? And you can resist powerful magic, right?"

"Well, I don't mean to toot my own horn," she modestly answered, "but yes. I am pretty powerful."

"Well then, I guess it's okay if you take a teensy weensy little bite."

Derpy broke off a microscopic piece of Muffin and offered it to Celestia. "Sorry, Muffin," she whispered.

"Derpy... me has a bad feeling," warned Joe.

"Celestia should be powerful enough to resist it."

"Resist what? Is there something wrong with this Muffin?" Celestia asked a bit apprehensively.

"What? No no no! Not at all!" Derpy laughed.

"It's okay. If you don't want to share it it's perfectly fine. I'll just be leaving now."

BANG

"Derpy? Is everything okay? My Pinkie Sense went crazy and—"

The abrupt bang startled open everypony's mouths. Pinkie slammed right into Derpy, sending both Muffin, and the little piece, sailing through the air. The latter, landed straight into Celestia's open mouth, while Muffin went flying through the open window. Derpy darted out the window in chase of Muffin.

"Pinkie? What in Equestria is... Mmm... This is really, really good! I've never tasted such an amazing muffin in my entire life! And that's saying something." Celestia's face glowed with approval as she chewed the muffin.

"Celestia! What ever you do... don't swallow that muffin!"

"Excuse me. What did you say, Pinkie?" Celestia asked as she swallowed, "I was busy being lost in this exquisite flavor."

"Noooooooooooooo!" Pinkie yelled in defeat.

"Derpy said that Celestia might able to resist the effects since she super powerful," Joe said. "Let's hope she is right."

"I'm sorry, but what do you mean 'effects'? Was something wrong with that Muffin? Is this another prank of yours, Miss Pinkie?" Celestia smirked.

"Yes! It was... a prank?"

"Well, this has been fun and and all, but I must be leaving. But first, I should help that mare find her muffin."

Celestia flew out the window, meeting Derpy as she descended to the ground. She found the mare checking behind trees, in bushes, under benches and behind garbage cans.

"Would you like some help finding your Muffin?"

"Oh yes! That would be lovely! It's just my luck that he had to land in these conveniently located gardens" Derpy cheered. "I can here him calling from somewhere to the left... but I'm not sure where exactly."

"Allow me."

Celestia prepped one of her more advanced spells. Her horn emitted a scanner ray, searching the entire left area.

"Ooooooooooo!"

"Ooooooooooo indeed! This is one of my favorite spells. It's pretty useful for finding misplaced objects."

"Can you teach it to me?"

"Sorry, Derpy. Unicorns only."

"Aww," Derpy pouted.

"There, I got it. Your muffin is inside of that rose bush over there," Celestia declared. "Let me get it for you. It's the least I can do to thank you for that delicious treat."

"Gee. Thanks princess!"

Celestia trotted over and retrieved the muffin from the rose bush.

"Here you go," Celestia offered, levitating it over. Suddenly, it halted, just outside of Derpy's reach.

"Umm... princess... you can let it go now," Derpy giggled.

Using her wings, Derpy got herself high enough to grab at Muffin. She tugged at it, but it remained firm within Celestia's magical grasp.

"Princess? Can I have Muffin back now? He's getting a bit worried."

No response came from Celestia.

"Derpy? Is everything alright down here?" Pinkie asked as she floated down, suspended by a few balloons. Joe emerged a few moments later from the nearby door.

"Why her eyes like that?" Joe inquired. "Is princess okay? And why her mane color changed color to varying shades of brown?"

"Uh-oh. I'm shuddering! A real doozy is about to happen!"

"Princess? Hello? Are you feeling good? Should I call a nurse here?" Derpy asked as she waved a hoof in front of Celestia's face. "Do you want me to get Twilight here?"

"Muffins..."

"What? Speak up, princess, I can't hear you." Derpy cupped a hoof to her ear in order to hear better.

"Muffins!" Celestia shouted using the Royal Canterlot Voice. Derpy was blown away into a tree, while Pinkie and Joe tumbled into a garbage can.

"Oh, this is not good,"

"Me told you me had bad feeling about this! But no! You think Celestia is powerful enough to resist!"

"Would you be quiet?" Derpy asked a bit harshly. "Now isn't the time to argue, we need to get Muffin back from her before she get's too crazy!"

"Muffin is mine now, my loyal subjects! Obey your princess! Leave us be!" Celestia flapped her wings, getting away from the ground incase of a sudden attempt to reclaim her glorious muffin.

"Derpy's right!" Pinkie agreed, pulling out her party cannon from seemingly nowhere. "We need to be careful about this! Celestia is a powerful princess, she won't be easy to detain. Quick, Derpy! Offensive maneuver five! Just like I taught you while we were detectives."

Derpy saluted. Reaching into Pinkie's mane, she retrieved a miniature cannon ball.

"Quick! Set her up!"

With Joe's help, Derpy prepped the cannon to fire.

"What are you three muffins doing over there!?" Celestia asked, a maniacal grin etched into her skin. Her eyes twitched uncontrollably as she stared down her disobedient subjects.

"Oh, nothing!" Pinkie sang. "Nothing at all!"

"Ready to fire," Derpy whispered.

"Line it up. Quick! Before she catches onto us!" Pinkie instructed.

Joe aligned the sights with Celestia, making sure to account for wind speed and target distance. Once everything was ready, Derpy gave Pinkie the signal by way of rapidly slapping her cheek five times.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Pinkie lit the short fuse. In less than two seconds, the cannon fired, sending it's projectile straight at Celestia. The cannonball broke apart in midair, revealing a restraining net, magically enhanced to suppress the mightiest of beasts.

"Where did you get this ammunition?" Derpy asked, awe-struck at the display.

"Ya!" Joe agreed, "Me never seen anything like this!"

"I'm afraid that's classified," Pinkie smirked.

Joe's aim was true. The net whistled in the air was it made its way straight to Celestia.

"We got her!" Derpy cheered. "Don't worry Muffin, you're safe now!"

CRACKLE

Everypony became blinded by a sudden, harsh light.

"I can't see!" Pinkie complained, "did we get her?"

The light faded a few seconds later. Neither Muffin nor Celestia was anywhere to be seen.

"Cheater!" Joe shouted, waving an angry hoof in protest.

"Muffin? Muffin!?" Derpy sobbed. "This isn't fair! Why does everyone keep taking Muffin from me!?""

This time, it was Pinkie and Joe who moved to console Pinkie.

"Hey, Derpy. Listen..." Pinkie moved to sit beside Derpy, wrapping a hoof around her. Joe sat on the other side, doing the same. "I'm not going to pretend to know how you're feeling. Losing Muffin again must be hard, I know how much you care about him. But... do you think sitting here is gonna bring him back?"

"Well... no," sniffled Derpy.

"So, what do you think we should do?"

"We... we need to get him back!" Derpy shouted. "Nopony takes Muffin from me and gets away with it! Princess or not!"

"That's the spirit!" cheered Pinkie, throwing confetti in the air.

"Hey, me is here too," Joe pointed out. "Me is gonna help too. We are friends. Friends help friends."

"Aww, thanks Joe," Derpy smiled, wiping away her tears. She embraced him with both hooves, showing her gratefulness for his help. Joe blushed at her show of affection and bashfully returned the gesture.

"Hey, don't forget your hat!" Pinkie spoke up, already wearing her detective hat.

"Thanks, Pinkie," Derpy replied, grabbing the hat from Pinkie's hoof and donning it stylishly.

"Hey! Me want a hat."

"Oh! Almost forgot! Sorry."

"That's better," Joe declared as she adjusted his sweet new headgear.

"Quick! Strike a cool pose everypony," Pinkie blurted out.

"Why?" asked Derpy.

"Aww come on, just do it. Pleeeease!"

"Fine."

The three ponies each struck a fabulous pose.

"Super Muffin Squad! Da na na na!"

"Really?" Joe deadpanned.

"What? I thought it was cool," Pinkie shrugged.

"Can somepony get me out of this darn net?" cried Twilight from a distance.

Muffin Overlords

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Deeeelicious!

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

A Special Gift

"Oh boy! Derpy's gonna love this!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"Hey Pinkie!" groaned a sleepy stallion from the upstairs bedroom, "Could you please be a little more quiet?"

"Whoops! Sorry Mr. Cake!"

Pinkie stirred the batter extra slowly, taking care not to create any loud racket as she continued to work on her masterpiece. She didn't want the Cakes to be miserable and grumpy later during the day anyway. She made sure to wake up extra early so she would have sufficient time to work on her latest creation.

"Hmm, would Derpy rather the hot sauce sprinkles or the banana sprinkles?" Pinkie pondered.

After spending five minutes weighing the pros and cons of each choice, she came upon a suitable decision.

"I'll just add both!"

Do you know the muffin mare, the muffin mare the muffin mare,

Do you know the muffin mare who lives in Ponyvi—

*Click*

Derpy let out a very loud yawn as she slowly rose out of bed, her alarm clock having effectively woken her up. She was usually a bit sluggish in the mornings. Not this morning, however, as she knew that Pinkie Pie had a special surprise for her later. With haste, she completed her morning rituals of brushing her teeth, having a quick shower and eating breakfast before heading off for Sugarcube Corner. As she flew, she pondered what exactly Pinkie had in store for her. She knew that it would most likely be a muffin. However, a certain question remained.

"I wonder what kind of muffin it will be."

She thought about all of her favorite muffins.

"Blueberry, banana, chocolate chip, strawberry, cinnamon, triple ultra mega super dup—"

Flying straight into your neighbor's bedroom window was a common side effect of not paying attention while flying. That and the fact that Derpy was... well... Derpy.

"Derpy!? What are you doing here!? Get out!" cried Lyra and Bon Bon.

"My bad!" replied Derpy.

CRASH

"My flower pot!"

"Whoopsie!"

TWANG

"Hey! I just fixed that yesterday!"

"Sorry!" apologized Derpy, right before she tumbled head over hooves back out the window.

"Well that killed the mood," sighed Lyra.

"Next time, be sure to lock the windows Lyra,"

The remainder of Derpy's flight was uneventful, she managed to make it to Sugarcube Corner without severely injuring or disturbing somepony else. It was still quite early when she finally arrived at the store. Derpy proceeded to enter the store, but was prevented from doing so when a certain pink mare materialized behind her and shoved her in quickly.

"Get in quick Derpy! It's almost time!" squealed an excited Pinkie Pie as she pushed Derpy in.

Pinkie then proceeded to close and barricade every window, door or opening which could be found in the restaurant. By the time she was done, the shop looked like it was ready for a zombie apocalypse.

"Pinkie is everything oka—"

"Shh.... this is a very secret surprise I'm going to show you. Not just anypony can witness this sacred moment." replied Pinkie.

After removing her hoof from Derpy's mouth, Pinkie Pie proceeded to lead Derpy into the basement. Derpy had several more questions but decided against asking them. Having a hoof shoved in your mouth was not a very pleasant experience, even if said hoof tasted like candy. The basement was pitch black. Derpy couldn't see her hooves or Pinkie Pie as they stumbled around. Were it not for Pinkie's inane chattering, she would have been lost by now.

"So, where are we going?"

"..."

Pinkie stopped talking. Pinkie never stopped talking. Something was obviously wrong. Derpy broke into a cold sweat as her mind conjured fearsome images. Fear soon became panic and Derpy began to hyperventilate.

"Somepony? Anypony? Help!" cried Derpy.

Suddenly a certain pink mare appeared behind Derpy and proceeded to wrap her in a vicious hug. In that instant, several spotlights which were strategically placed along the ceiling came to life and lit up a single spot in the center of the room.

"Surprise!" screamed Pinkie.

Surprisingly, Derpy didn't even flinch. No, her derpy eyes were fixated on one object and one object only. That magnificent baked good which was being illuminated by the dazzling array of spotlights.

"Muffin!" yelled Derpy.

Derpy grabbed the muffin in a very Daring Doo like manner. She then examined its every detail. It was the size of a watermelon. Its fluffy texture was quite pleasant to the touch. It was delicately smothered in vanilla and chocolate frosting. Derpy could see traces of blueberry, banana, chocolate chip, strawberry, cinnamon and *gasp* triple ultra mega super duper—

"Hey!" Pinkie interrupted Derpy's examination, "Be careful with that muffin! You have no idea how long it took me to get the correct ratio of muffin to frosting!"

"Sorry Pinkie," replied a sad Derpy.

"Oh don't be all saddy waddy Derpy! Don't you like the muffin?" Pinkie inquired.

To answer her question, Derpy proceeded to take a bite out of said muffin. Her face immediately contorted into a mixture of happiness and pleasure. The incredible flavor assaulted her taste buds with the power of a thousand of Celestia's suns.

"Wow! This is incredible Pinkie," Derpy praised, smiling in her approval.

"I'm glad you like it Derpy, anything for a friend of mine," replied Pinkie. "Come on now, I'll lead you back upstairs."

"Mmmhmm." said Derpy with a mouthful of muffin.

"Oh, by the way Derpy," said Pinkie Pie, "be very very careful with that muffin. It must not fall into the wrong hooves!"

"Why? What's so bad about my muffin? Muffins are wonderful!" replied Derpy.

"Oh, there is nothing wrong with that muffin Derpy," said Pinkie. "But my Pinkie sense has been giving me strange warnings. Why just this morning, I had an ear twitch followed by a tail wag and an itchy eyeball! Or maybe my eye was just itchy... oh well it doesn't matter! Just, try to avoid having too many people taste it. The consequences could be dire!"

Derpy gave a sharp salute in return, but not without smacking herself in the forehead.

Derpy could not keep her eyes off of the muffin during her flight home. She had decided that rather than eat it like a normal mare, she would put it up on a display table in her bedroom. It would be the perfect home decoration! Pinkie had really outdone herself this time.

"I should probably ask Twilight to cast a preservation spell on it to keep it from going stale as well," thought Derpy, "Maybe even a voice activated magical barrier!"

With a new destination in mind, Derpy set a course for the Ponyville Library.

"Ahh... finally finished." sighed Twilight.

Reshelving all of the books in the library by categorzing and alphabetizing was not an easy feat. She didn't even have Spike's assistance as he was busy running errands as usual. Nevertheless, she had finished. Pleased with herself, Twilight set some tea to boil and pulled up one of her new favorite books, The Hungry Contest. She was currently at the part where Trotta was about to confess his love for Mareniss.

*CRASH*

Twilight jolted from her seat. That crash no doubt meant trouble for her precious books. She quickly ran to the source of the violent noise.

"Rainbow Dash! You are in so much trouble when I get to you!" yelled Twilight.

Upon arrival, Twilight was greeted not by a certain rainbow pegasus, but by Derpy.

"Hiyah Twilight!" Derpy greeted with a wave.

Twilight mentally shoved her frustration into the dark recesses of her mind. Rainbow Dash was careless when she decided to use the library as a crash landing spot, Derpy, however, couldn't help it. The fact that every single book in the llibrary was now scattered in a haphazard manner on the floor really wasn't helping Twilight control herself, friendship expert or not.

"Hello Derpy, welcome to the library!" beamed Twilight through a facade of happiness and sunshine.

"Wow, wait a minute, is Derpy actually here to try and read a book? Oh boy! I knew that she would eventually succumb to the wonders of literature, just like Rainbow Dash." said Twilight's inner monologue.

The thought of a new pony joining the book bandwagon brightened Twilight's sour mood.

"Did you come here to pick up a book? If you give me a few minutes I can have the library somewhat re shelved and then you can find something you like!" beamed Twilight.

"Well actually, I'm not really here to pick up a book," Derpy replied.

"Why am I not surprised." thought Twilight.

"Well then, what can I do for you Derpy?

"I was hoping you could cast some of your magical spells on my awesome new muffin."

"What an odd request." Twilight thought.

"Why would you need me to cast some spells on your muffin? Well, I guess I could cast a taste amplifying spell, but that would require quite a bit of preparation. said Twilight. "Maybe if I could figure out some way to alter its physical structure I can apply Starswirl the Bearded's Spell of Cellular A-"

"Twilight!" interrupted Derpy.

"Oops! Sorry, I guess I got a bit carried away," Twilight blushed. "Anyway, what exactly do you want me to do with your muffin."

In response, Derpy reached into her saddlebag and pulled out Pinkie's muffin. Twilight's pupils slowly enlarged as she took in the awesomeness infront of her eyes.

"I was hoping you could maybe cast a fancy preservation spell on it to keep it from going stale," said Derpy. "A muffin this amazing deserves to be put up on display."

"Wouldn't you rather eat it like, well, anyone else would?" Twilight asked.

"Nope!" responded Derpy.

"Well... I guess I have nothing else to do anyway," thought Twilight.

"Tell you what Derpy, if you help me reshelve all of these tumbled up books, I'll be more than happy to help you with your... muffin issues."

"Sounds good Twilight!" Derpy giggled.

She then proceeded to give Twilight a vicious hug.

A few hours later, Derpy and Twilight were almost finished with re shelving the library. Things would have gone by much quicker if Derpy hadn't kept placing books in the wrong sections or knocking them over by mistake. Twilight, however, didn't mind much as she enjoyed the mare's company.

"So Derpy, that muffin must be really special for you to want to display it rather than eat it," said Twilight in an effort to break the silence.

"It is Twilight!" replied Derpy. "Pinkie gave it to me! It is also the most delicious muffin I've ever tasted in my life! And I've probably eaten at least... ten muffins in my lifetime!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. She knew for a fact that the mare had eaten tens of thousands of muffins by now. She probably ate muffins for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a quick snack. She couldn't help but glance at the muffin sitting on the table. Honestly, it was a really fantastic muffin, disregarding the fact that there was a small chunk bitten off already.

"Hey, Derpy, do you think that I could maybe have a little bite?"

"Bwuh?"

Derpy did a slight double take. She loved to share and make other ponies happy. However, one does not simply ask Derpy for a bite of her muffin. Derpy mulled it over in her head. She would probably refuse if Lyra or Bon Bon had asked, Twilight, however, was a good friend. In the end, Derpy decided that Twilight could have a bite. Maybe just a nibble. Reluctantly, Derpy grabbed the muffin from the table and offered it to Twilight.

"Here Twilight, you can have a little piece," said Derpy.

"Thank you!"

Twilight grabbed the muffin from Derpy's outstretched hoof. Ever so slowly, she brought the muffin closer and closer to her mouth. Twilight had to fight to keep from giggling as she watched Derpy's eyes trace the muffin as Opalescence would with a ball of yarn. After what seemed like a eternity to Derpy, Twilight finally took a tiny bite out of the muffin.

"Is everything alright Twilight?" Derpy inquired. "What happened to your pupils? And why are you trembling so much? It isn't that cold."

Twilight continued to stare at the muffin as if entranced by it.

"Twilight, can I have my muffin back now?"

No response. Derpy began to grow anxious as Twilight remained unresponsive. Suddenly, she gave a violent outburst.

"Muffins!" cackled Twilight.

Derpy found Twilight's laugh rather silly, she began to join in.

"Muffins!" yelled Derpy.

"Muffins!" yelled Twilight.

"Muffins!" screamed Derpy.

"Muffins!" screamed Twilight.

Derpy was enjoying herself quite a bit, who knew Twilight was also a muffin fanatic?

However all the fun stopped when Twilight slowly brought the muffin to her mouth once more. Time stopped as Derpy frantically launched herself at Twilight with speed to rival Rainbow Dash.

"Noooooooo!" Derpy yelled as she deftly snatched the muffin from Twilight.

Twilight came back to her senses once the muffin was out of her sight.

"Oh, my head hurts," Twilight said, "What just happened?"

"You almost ate my muffin!" Derpy whined.

"I did?" thought Twilight, "What got over me?"

"Sorry Derpy, I guess your muffin was just too good to resist."

"It's alright Twilight. Just please don't threaten my muffin like that again."

"She really does love her muffins." Twilight snickered. "Why did that muffin entrance me like that though? I sure hope Pinkie didn't add that "special" ingredient I warned her about a long time ago. Nah, Pinkie wouldn't be silly enough to do that. Or would she..."

"Hey Twilight, would you mind enchanting my muffin now?" Derpy asked.

"Oh of course!"

After hoofing the muffin over, Derpy watched in amazement as Twilight's horn began to glow and give off wisps off smoke-like gas. The wisps swirled around the muffin in a beautiful dance until they finally became infused with it.

"Well, that should prevent the muffin from going stale for about a year or so. It's still safe to eat in case you were wondering."

"Thanks Twilight!" shouted Derpy. "You're awesome!"

"Oh it was nothing. Now, I was wondering if you'd be interested in this book... Derpy?"

Derpy was nowhere to be seen of course. She had quickly left the building the moment after she thanked Twilight, being eager to show her muffin around town.

However, little did poor Derpy know that her muffin was soon to be in danger.

The Theft

"Oh... this is baaaaaaad," Pinkie whined, "I hope Derpy's muffin is alright!"

Throughout the previous days, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense had been warning her about Derpy's muffin. She had been receiving twitchy tails, twitchy eyes, floppy ears, cramps, itchy noses, muscle spasms and even bloating! Pinkie trusted Derpy to take good care of the muffin and to ensure that it didn't fall into the wrong hooves. However, she couldn't simply ignore all the warnings she had been receiving. To put her concerns to rest, she had decided to check up on Derpy and her muffin in the morning. It was quite a special muffin after all. The extra ingredient she added could have... undesirable effects on most, if not all ponies. She only added it because she knew that Derpy could handle the flavor explosion as well as the side effects that it might create. Why, Derpy had bested her in a hot sauce muffin eating competition not too long ago.

Pinkie's anxiety slowly grew as she approached Derpy's humble abode. She graduated from bouncing along the path, to floating and propelling herself with her tail.

"Hi Twilight!" Pinkie spurted as she floated by.

"Hey Pinkie...Pie," Twilight attempted to reply.

"Twilight, do not question the laws of physics in the presence of Pinkie Pie." she reminded herself.

Do you know the muffin mare, the muffin mare the muffin mare,

Do you know the muffin mare who lives in Ponyvi—

*Click*

"Good morning muffin..." Derpy mumbled as her body slowly began to function. "Did you sleep well?"

"..."

"Good to hear. Come on, let's get some breakfast."

Derpy lovingly cradled the muffin as she walked down the stairs and into her kitchen. She gently removed the bandage from it.

"There, all better!" Derpy observed. "The platelets in your crumbs must have helped fill in the bite mark. Now you wait here while I get myself something to eat."

Derpy set the muffin down on the kitchen table as she trotted over to her fridge. Her eyes gazed at the wide array of delicacies available for her consumption.

"Should I have the Super Strawberry or the Blueberry Bonanza muffin this morning?" Derpy thought out loud.

Derpy carefully contemplated the pros and cons of each choice.

"If I eat the Super Strawberry muffin, my tongue will turn super red. If I eat the Blueberry Bomb muffin, my tongue will turn bombing blue. So many choices! My brain hurts!"

A few wafts of black smoke escaped from Derpy's ears.

"Ah ha! I got it!"

Derpy decided to cram both muffins into her mouth simultaneously. She took a seat beside her muffin as she slowly chewed her meal.

" Hmm? What's that muffin?"

"..."

"You don't like it when I eat other muffins in your presence? Well I'm sorry, it's not my fault I need to eat to survive!"

"..."

"Muffin, please don't be like that... Look, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think about how you would feel with me eating your brethren in front of you."

"..."

"Thanks for forgiving me muffin. I love you too."

Derpy lovingly kissed her muffin, making a loud smack noise.

"You know, I didn't even name you yet. How about I call you... Muffin!"

"..."

"I'm glad you like that name! From know on, you shall be know as Muffin. My little Muffin..."

*CRASH*

"Helloooooo? Anypony home?" Pinkie inquired as she floated in, leaving the front door wide open.

"Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!" greeted Derpy.

"Hi Derpy! It's so nice to see you!" Pinkie responded, albeit a bit nervously. "Anyway, I stopped by to check on you and your muffin. Is everything alright with you two?"

"Ya we're fine," Derpy replied. "His name is Muffin now, by the way. He is in the kitchen, why don't you say hi?"

"Good idea Derpy!" Pinkie agreed. "Say... what's that thing hanging from the ceiling."

"Oh that? I made it for muffin so that he can be seen in all his glory!"

"Well it certainly gets the job done!" Pinkie giggled as she and Derpy trotted into the kitchen.

"Muffin, we have a visitor, come and say hello!" Derpy announced.

"Hi Muffin! It's been awhile since I last saw you! It's me Pinkie Pie remember? Although Derpy is your owner and or your mother, I was the one who made you so I guess that sorta makes me your...aunt? Oh! I've always wanted to be called Auntie Pinkie Pie. Or maybe Grandma Pinkie...? Oh you can just call me whatever you want I suppose."

"..."

"So what have you two been up to huh, Derpy?" Pinkie asked, "I can see you took a few bites."

"Oh, I've decided to treasure this muffin forever. I wasn't the one who bit it, aside from the first bite."

Pinkie deflated.

"Did... somepony else bit the muffin?" she nervously inquired.

"Ya, two ponies actually."

"Did they end up going crazy and or insane when they bit it?"

Derpy thought back to the incidents with Twilight and the guard. Both of them went bonkers when they took a bite of the muffin. Could it be that the muffin's incredible flavor assault was too much for them to handle? Or was there a problem with the muffin itself?

"No that's impossible, absolutely nothing is wrong with Muffin. I'm sure that they were just overreacting." Derpy concluded.

"Well Pinkie, when Twilight and that other guy took a bite of my muffin, they both started acting crazy! But they snapped out of it when I took the muffin from them."

"Wait, did you say Twilight took a bite from it?" Pinkie asked.

"Ya."

"Does Twilight know that I made the muffin?"

"Yup. I told her that you had made it for me."

"Uh oh, I hope she didn't realize that I added the 'special' ingredient she warned me about."

"Wait, what special ingredient?" Derpy inquired.

"W-w-what? Special ingredient? What special ingredient? Who said anything about a special ingredient?" Pinkie stuttered.

"But you just mentioned—"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did," Derpy confirmed.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't."

Derpy had been played like a violin.

"Sorry Derpy, but I better get going now. The Cakes are gonna need my help for a massive order we just received from Princess Celestia!"

"Wow! You got an order from Princess Celestia?" Derpy gasped.

"Sure did! Our cakes are quite famous after all, and Celestia has quite the sweet tooth as well. Why, I still remember that article that Gabby Gums wrote about her."

"Hey, maybe you could make her a muffin like Muffin over here," Derpy suggested. "Surely she would love to have a muffin as fantastic as this one."

Derpy saw a faint blush through Muffin's vanilla frosting.

"I don't think that's a good idea Derpy," Pinkie replied. "Anyway I better go now. It was nice to see you Derpy! You too Muffin!"

"Bye Pinkie!" Derpy yelled as the pink mare left the building. "Well, I better get to work now. Ponyville's mail won't deliver itself after all."

Derpy went to retrieve her mailbag, but was halted by a voice coming from the kitchen.

"Why of course you can come with me muffin!" Derpy laughed.

The tingle of the Ponville Post Office's door chime alerted everyone to Derpy's presence.

"Hiyah Derpy!" greeted the post office's receptionist. "Your packages for the day are waiting for you in the back room."

"Thanks Miss Mingles," Derpy replied.

As Derpy went to retrieve her packages, she was blissfully unaware of the snickers of everypony in the building.

"Say Derpy, whatcha got there?" chortled a fellow coworker.

"Oh? I see you've noticed my new attire." said Derpy. "How do I look?"

Derpy did her personal recreation of a naughty pose she found while perusing a magazine article. Throwing in a wink for good measure. While a select few stallions actually whistled to themselves, a majority of the ponies in the room couldn't help but laugh at the display. It was all in good fun though, as Derpy was good friends with all of her coworkers.

"You could give Fluttershy a run for her money with moves like that!" teased a stallion.

Derpy blushed a bit at the compliment.

"Aww stop it, I couldn't possibly do that."

"He's right," commented another stallion, "I'd say she'd give the princesses something to be jealous about."

Derpy's blush deepened. She stored the packages in her saddlebags and was about to leave the building when she had a wardrobe malfunction.

"Whoops. My bad," said Derpy as the string around her head loosened, dropping a certain object.

"Here let me help you with that," offered a nearby mare.

"That would be nice," replied Derpy.

The mare replaced the object on Derpy's head and deftly secured it with an expert knot.

"There, that should be better."

"Thanks a lot!"

With her atrociously awkward attire affixed on her head, Derpy waved goodbye to everypony and left to begin making her rounds.

A janitor swept up a few crumbs from the floor as he walked by.

"That mare is something else," he mumbled.

"It's good to be home isn't it Muffin?" Derpy asked the object on her head as she glided for her front door.

"What was your favorite part of the day Muffin?"

Five minutes later

"I liked that part too! My favorite part was everything! Anytime is a good time with you my little Muffin Wuffin."

Derpy unlocked her front door and headed inside. As she hit the lights, she noticed something fishy going on.

"Hey... I don't remember leaving a cardboard box in here."

Derpy took a long look at the box. Why did it seem so familiar? Had she seen it somewhere before? Derpy's muffin sense slowly begin to tingle.

"Oh would you cut that out? It's just a cardboard box," Derpy snapped.

Suddenly, Derpy had an idea. She dragged the surprisingly heavy box into her living room and then stood on it, eliciting a groan from the stallion underneath. Using the box as a stepladder, Derpy removed the muffin from her head and placed it on the ceiling decoration which she had built earlier. Her wings were tired from all the flying she'd done, so a makeshift step ladder was a welcome addition to the household.

"Goodnight Muffin, I'll see you in the morning."

Derpy gave the muffin a goodnight kiss and then shoved the box into the corner, thus eliciting in a few more groans of discomfort.

"Did you hear something Muffin?" Derpy asked as her ears twitched.

The room was so silent that Rainbow Dash could be heard crashing into a tree from a good distance away. After a quick sweep of the room, Derpy decided that her ears had been playing tricks on her, again. Derpy tiredly flew up to the ceiling decoration and gave her muffin a quick peck.

"Nighty night Muffin, I'll see you in the morning."

Derpy trotted upstairs to get ready for bed, blissfully unaware of the box's suspicious actions.

"I'll wait till she's asleep, then wham! That muffin is as good as mine!" whispered the box to itself.

The box waited in the corner until Derpy went to sleep. When it heard the loud snores from the mare upstairs, it slowly revealed its contents.

The stallion underneath took in his surroundings. It would seem that he was in the living room. He quickly and quietly began to examine the room in hopes of finding the muffin. He spent several minutes wandering around aimlessly, opening cupboards, cabinets, the fridge and even the garbage can. By chance, he happened to glance at the ceiling, and was surprised to find an unusual decoration. Hanging from the ceiling, was a clumsily cut piece of cardboard, easily noticeable by anyone entering through the front door. There were several holes poked into it through which pieces of string came through. It all came together to form a makeshift chandelier. Also worth noting, were several pieces of paper stuck in the ceiling with colorful writing on them. One in particular read 'Best muffin in the world!' Joe didn't care about all that though, for his attention was captivated by the one object sitting in the center of the chandelier.

"I have you now."

Suddenly, the snores stopped, and movement could be heard from upstairs. The stallion had little time to react as a mare rapidly descended the stairs.

"Muffin! Are you alright!? I heard you crying for help!" Derpy panicked. "Wait... Doughtnut Joe? What are you doing here? Oh, are we having a slumber party? Hang on a sec, I got a sleeping bag upstairs!"

Joe facehoofed.

"No you idiot! I'm here for your beloved muffin!" Joe snapped.

"What... that wasn't very nice," Derpy whimpered.

"Oh wait... no please don't cry Derpy," pleaded Joe. "I'm really sorry."

"Well this is an awkward way to start off a burglary." Joe thought.

"I'm really sorry Derpy, but I'll be leaving with that Muffin."

"What? Why? Are you two friends."

"No, I just–"

"Coworkers?"

"No! Listen to me. I. Am. Here. To. Steal. Your. Muffin."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Don't worry, I'll be gone before you know it," Joe boasted.

"I don't think so."

"Oh, is that so? What makes you think that I can't take it?"

"Go ahead and try it. Make my day... I mean night," Derpy mocked.

"Oh ya? Maybe I will then!" Joe snapped.

"Oh ya?"

"Ya!"

On that note, Joe's horn began to glow as he levitated the muffin towards him. He was puzzled as to why he couldn't move it more then a few inches. It was as if an invisible wall was blocking it. Frustrated, he cried out in anger.

"Why can't I take it?"

"Ha!" laughed Derpy. "Joke's on you Mr. Joe."

"What's so funny!?"

"Well you see. I had Twilight cast a little enchantment on my little chandelier here. It is protected by an invisible magical barrier. You won't be taking Muffin here anytime soon."

"What's the point in having that if it'll stop you from getting your muffin?"

"The barrier's voice activated, and it will only open if I say open."

BEEP BEEP

VOICE RECOGNIZED - MISS DERPY HOOVES

ACCESS GRANTED

BARRIER DEACTIVATING

"Uh oh."

Joe didn't give Derpy a chance to react as he levitated the muffin towards him.

"Hey! You give that back right this instant!" warned Derpy.

Unfortunately for Derpy, Joe came prepared. He reached into his magical inventory and withdrew an object that would no doubt be of great use to him.

A stick!

Joe waved the stick back and forth in front of Derpy's derped eyes. He smirked as he watched her eyes trace the stick's every move.

"See the stick? See the stick Derpy? Now... fetch!" yelled Joe as he pelted the stick out of the window.

"Woof! woof woof woof!" barked Derpy as she flew after the stick.

Derpy's minor distraction gave Joe the time he needed to retrieve a specially made doughnut from his saddlebags. It was a special mix, filled with sleeping powder and memory erasing chemicals.

Moments later, Derpy returned, tail wagging and wings fluttering. Her attention was drawn to the in the center of the room by a doughnut. It couldn't hold a candle to Muffin, but it still looked rather tasty. Derpy trotted over to it and took a small bite from it.

"W-why are my eyelids so heavy?" wondered Derpy. "And where did Joe go!? I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! Nopony takes... my... muff—"

Derpy fell into a deep, peaceful sleep right on her living room floor.

She didn't hear the triumphant cackling of a middle-aged baker.

She didn't hear a colt's mother reminding him of the importance of not doing drugs.