Pinkie Pie vs: Inanimate Objects

by Elusive Phoenix

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 3609

Pinkie Pie has many enemies, but very few are actually ENEMIES. And these enemies happen to be inanimate... or so she thought...

Pinkie Pie loves Ponyville. She loves everything about it!
Well, almost everything. Some things don't exactly agree with her.
Objects around Ponyville have started acting up. Emphasis on acting. They have suddenly come to life, and are attempting to attack Pinkie Pie. Luckily, she's trained in self defense...somehow...
The only other problem is... nopony believes her...

Published 2013-01-28 02:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-05 19:10:06 UTC

Pinkie Pie vs: The Toilet

Attack of the Toilet

Pinkie Pie vaulted over the counter, her pack fastened tightly to her body.

"Be careful, deary!" Mrs. Cake yelled behind her. Pinkie was too energetic to reply, blasting out the door at full speed. Her favorite day of the year was today.

Today was Pinkie Pie's birthday.

Today was the day she could do whatever she wanted. Birds chirped loudly, welcoming morning. Instead of saddlebags, Pinkie wore a backpack. She felt a backpack was more... fun... to carry. The strap wrapped tightly around her torso, ensuring that the pack remained on her at high speeds. She had a pack that would seem odd for one so energetic, but it seemed to mix with her colors well.

It was a simple black with a red stripe running along the zipper of the pouch. The pack held everything she would need for the next couple of hours. She wanted to spend some time alone before she began party preparations.

She flew through Ponyville, whipping back ponies' manes with wind as she passed. The morning air was blasting in her face, and her eyes were barely able to remain open from the sheer force of it; but she managed, and could still see directly in front of her.

Just where she needed to go.

She saw Fluttershy's cottage. She sprinted up the path, and just before she reached the bridge crossing the creek, she stopped and bounded off the road, following the creek downstream. She reached a small log that lay across the water. Using her momentum, she hopped onto the log, and then pushed against it to send her flying onto the other side.

She continued, heading toward the Everfree forest. As she reached the edge, she slid to a halt -- all of the wind and dust she had kicked up now hit her in the back, blowing the grass down, and throwing her mane around her face.

The massive forest loomed before her, scaring a small part of her. But she stared into the darkness nonetheless, unfazed.

Then the wind stopped blowing and the birds stopped chirping, and an eerie silence took over nature.

Pinkie sat down on the short green grass, and continued to stare into the abyss. An owl hooted quietly before a Timberwolf's howl rang out.

The Everfree Forest was a strange place.

Pinkie smiled, and shivered a little. She liked this spot. It was different than the everyday colorful Equestria. Everfree just seemed to bleed darkness. It always looked like a solid black wall.

She sat staring for a good five or ten minutes before standing up, and trotted back to Ponyville to do the rest of the activities she had planned for the day. She went to that spot next to the Everfree every single morning. It woke her up. It gave her the inspiration to do everything she did. She didn't understand why, but it did.

__________________________

As she entered the door to Sugarcube Corner, she slid her pack off, tossing it onto an unoccupied table. She would pick it up in a few minutes.

But first, she had to use the restroom. Everfree seems to have that effect on her.

She knocked on the door, checking to see if anypony was inside. When no answer came, she opened the door and proceeded to the toilet. She sat down, readying herself.

Just before she began, a voice crackled, "What do you think you're doing?" Pinkie screamed and launched onto the ceiling, hanging from a lamp. She looked around the bathroom. The voice sounded as if it came from within the room, but there was nopony in sight.

"You were gonna take a whopper in me, weren't you?" Pinkie glanced at the toilet.

"You?" she asked, dropped to the floor, backing away from the toilet.

"Yeah, me! You were gonna drop a plopper, huh?" The seat flapped on each syllable. Pinkie opened her mouth in awe. The toilet was speaking. The toilet shook a little, and a tongue flopped out. Not the weirdest thing she's ever seen, but kind of terrifying nonetheless.

This was a very interesting situation.

But, since Pinkie Pie was used to odd situations, she knew how to handle herself when things like this happen.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I would like to be your friend!" She leaned forward slightly.

"Hello," it replied. "You were going to crap in me, weren't you?"

"Crap is a word that is often frowned upon by us ponies of Ponyville, so you better watch your mouth!" Pinkie ordered. "But, yes, I was! It's what you were made for, silly toilet!"

"Well, I'm tired of it!" The toilet somehow managed to tear itself from the floor, water spraying around the bathroom. "I'm stopping this madness!" The toilet slid toward Pinkie, leaning forward slightly to move itself. It leaned, slid, then fell flat again.

"I'd say it's madness, I'm talking to a toilet!" Pinkie giggled wildly.

"There is only one way to solve any problem!" it spoke.

"Friendship?"

"No," it seemed to move faster, "Violence!"

Pinkie backed further toward the door. "Violence never solves anything! We can work this out!" she said nervously.

"No we can't!" The sink next to her exploded, water blowing all over her, a water pipe clanging and smashing the floor in front of her. She used one hoof to block the water as it continued to blow at her.

"What is that?" she yelled, not able to comprehend why the toilet was now alive and trying to hurt her.

"I was part of the system -- I've grown to control it!" The toilet slid faster.

Then Pinkie realized: It's a toilet. What's it gonna hurt her with? Water? She approached it triumphantly. "You can't hurt me! You're only a--" The toilet flew flew at her. Pinkie screamed, ducking under the onslaught of the flying toilet. This was a very, very, strange birthday.

The toilet collided with the wall, shattering the inside. Pinkie didn't know how to react.

The toilet hit the ground, and then without even leaning, slid to face her. "What are you?" she asked quietly, but audibly enough over the sound of water spraying.

"I am a toilet that is tired of having ponies dump their whoppers into me!" Pinkie now had her back to the opposite wall, where the toilet had been originally. It slid toward her slowly at first, then sped as fast as she could gallop.

She rolled away, the toilet barely missing her. It slammed against the wall so hard it shook the room. Pinkie knew that this toilet wouldn't stop until she had been taken down.

"We can solve this!" Pinkie offered. "We can solve this non-violently!"

The toilet turned again, a gaping hole in the wall behind it. "I'm just sick of it!" the toilet screamed, preparing to charge again.

Reasoning wasn't going to work.

It was time for self defense.

Pinkie picked up the steel water pipe, wrapping one hoof around it. "I'm sorry."

The toilet sped at her. She jumped over it, one of her hooves clipping the top, almost flipping her. She landed, spinning to face the toilet. It was recovering from slamming into the wall.

Pinkie took this opportunity to bring the pipe over her head. She had never used violence to solve a problem before...

But desperate times called for desperate measures...

She brought the pipe down, shattering the porcelain backside of the toilet. It growled in anger rather than screaming in pain. The toilet turned to face Pinkie. She was crying, her vision barely allowing her to see combined with the sink spraying water all over her.

She beat the toilet down, swinging blindly, shattering the toilet and tearing off the seat.

She heard the creak of the door open behind her...

"Pinkie Pie! What have you done!?" Mr. Cake screamed in terror at the carnage.

"The toilet!" Pinkie wiped her eyes off, then stared at the remains of what was once her toilet. Glass and pipes lay scattered upon the floor.

"The toilet was alive..." she whispered, wondering how in the name of Celestia she was going to explain all of it...

Author's Note

Thanks to Jade Groove for editing and revising, and thanks to Literature for realizing the simple things that Jade missed!

Pinkie Pie vs: The Folding Chair

Chair Crusher 9000

"...but nopony believes me!" Pinkie almost slammed her drink into the table, drops flying out and dotting the wooden table. Her frustration was about to get the better of her. "You've got to believe me Fluttershy!"

The ever calm Fluttershy replied, "Did you try reasoning with it?"

"I asked to be its friend! What more do you want from me!?" Pinkie waved her hooves above her head in exaggeration.

Fluttershy glanced around, ducking her head behind her mane for cover. Ponies were glancing their way.

"I'm sorry, Pinkie. I can't help you in this sort of situation." Pinkie's mane sank, but remained inflated. "I tend to animals, not psychology."

"Psychology?" Pinkie stood up from her seat, flipping the chair and slamming her hooves on the table, spilling the rest of the punch. "Psychology?!" Her mouth hung open in surprise, and her eyes were narrowed, "Are you saying that I'm crazy? You're the crazy one!" Pinkie marched away from the table, leaving Fluttershy hiding behind her mane in fear.

Pinkie turned back after she was a few yards away, "And you had oatmeal for breakfast, didn't you?!" she yelled, "I could smell it on your breath!" Fluttershy let out a squeak.

____________________

Pinkie cantered into Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes glancing her direction. She saw the fear in their eyes. What? Did they expect her to start smashing everything and claiming it's alive?

Now Pinkie was starting to get angry.

She trotted up the stairs to her room without a word, Gummy greeting her at the top of the steps with an out-of-sync blink.

"Hi, Gummy. How's your day?" As she closed the door behind her, she trotted to her striped, green chair next to her bed and sat down, facing Gummy.

*Blink-blink*

"I know, right? Nopony believes me!" She threw her hooves into the air. "But you believe me, don't you?"

*Blink-blink*

"Thank, you! Finally! A being who believes me!"

*Blink-blink*

"...Right..." Pinkie gasped as the chair shook slightly. "What?" It shook harder. Pinkie attempted to leave the chair, but, of course, it was a folding chair, and it clenched her flank, "Ow, hey!" Her legs were now in an awkward position, almost level with her head. "Gummy! Help!"

*Blink-blink*

Pinkie muttered under her breath, "Worthless alligator..." Pinkie fought to open the chair, eventually snapping it, and she was propelled against the far wall. That wasn't normal.

Pinkie peeled her face from the wall to see the chair. It was fully functional, and Gummy stood between her and the chair, facing neither.

*Blink-blink*

The chair flapped its seat to talk, just like the toilet. "You Pinkeh Pyh?" It had an odd accent that she had often heard ponies imitate -- a cross between Manehattan and Ponitalian.

Pinkie glanced around the room for a weapon. She was going to be prepared this time. Nothing was revealed. "Maybe, maybe not," she replied. She would have to use her hooves. "Last time I told, I was attacked in the restroom."

The chair laughed, "So yer Pinkeh Pyh? Well, wise-gal, the 'Toilet' wasn't even worth fighting! I'll learn ya a real fight!"

Pinkie continued to look for a weapon. "So, uh... are you going to start, or-" She ducked below the snapping 'jaws' of the folding chair. "I just can not sit down, can I?" The chair began flopping around wildly, probably hoping to catch Pinkie in its chomper.

Really? That's a fight?

Pinkie almost laughed. No matter how dangerous it is, it was funny to see it bouncing around randomly.

Almost as soon as she felt she was going to burst into laughter, it flew into her, its 'jaws' attempting to crush her skeleton. With all of her strength, she pushed the flaps open with all four hooves.

"Gummy! Sic 'em!"

*Blink-blink*

Worthless. Pinkie manipulated her tail over to Gummy as she was pushed onto her side with the chair still attempting to attack from the same direction.

Using her tail to grab Gummy by his spiny Alligator behind, she brought him around and hit the chair off her, smashing its wooden frame, and throwing it to the floor. The thing seemed demented slightly, but still had the obvious look of a chair. Pinkie placed Gummy in her hooves. His pupils had dilated and his whole body was straight.

Gummy was a near invincible Alligator, but the shock of speed had scared him half to death.

"Sorry!"

The chair growled (Pinkie seriously wanted to understand how it even managed that). The chair balanced itself on its legs, looking like any normal chair. Pinkie stood, hind legs on the ground, forelegs holding Gummy like a baseball bat.

The chair flew once more, but Pinkie figured it would continue its path, and dodged. As it passed, she hit its lower flap with Gummy, launching it across the room. Splinters lay all around her as she looked at the chair. It was still alive!

It flew again.

Pinkie chucked Gummy straight into its path, tearing through the whole thing, and littering the room with cloth and wood, splinters and planks.

Everything conveniently missed Pinkie and hit the wall behind her. The sound of wood hitting wood echoed around the room. Maybe Gummy wasn't as worthless as she thought. He could sure pack a punch!

"Pinkie?" the voice came through the door.

Ffffffffffffffffffffflllllugle-horn. Why didn't she yell? Why didn't she prove it?

Pinkie face-hoofed, and the door opened.

"Pinkie, what-..." Rainbow Dash stared around the room in amazement.

"I am never going to sit down again......" Pinkie said, falling on her back and trying to retrieve her much needed breath. Gummy stood on her belly, one eye looking at Rainbow Dash, the other at Pinkie.

*Blink-blink*

Author's Note

I actually had a LOT of fun writing this chapter.
I may update this series more often.........

Pinkie Pie vs: The Library

Pinkie stomped through Ponyville, heading in one direction. Ponies left her path as she waltzed through. Her frown and narrowed eyes stood out like a flashlight at night. If Pinkie was angry, then it was probably best to stay out of her way.

In reality, all it did was anger her more. Literally nopony would believe her. True, inanimate objects were coming to life and attacking her sounded really weird, but it was true! She really had been attacked.

Pinkie reached her destination, sincerely hoping Twilight was home and not out with the princesses or any of her friends.

Pinkie knew that Twilight wouldn't believe her, but maybe she had a book or something. Spike would be much less likely to know if there was a book with such information.

Pinkie lifted her hoof to the door, simply neglecting that she should have knocked, and pushed the wooden wall open. "Twilight! Are you home!" Spike entered the room wearing an apron and wiping his claws with a cloth.

"Oh, hi Pinkie!" Spike threw the rag back into the kitchen. "Twilight's with the princess for lunch!" Really? Lunch? Come on! "Is there anything I can do for you?" He asked helpfully.

Pinkie's frown grew deeper, causing Spike to take a step back. "Would you happen to know about a book or something about inanimate objects coming to life?" she almost growled to the little dragon. Spike swallowed loudly.

"Uhm... let me check!" He rushed off to the bookshelves. If there isn't a book here...

Then Pinkie clearly saw the book that Spike pulled off the shelf and flipped through. Pinkie was so close to running through the wall screaming in anger. She held her composition though.

Spike had pulled out a psychology book.

"Spike?" Pinkie smiled fakely. The dragon glanced at her. "Would you mind putting that book away?" she ordered the question. Spike blushed and slowly slid the stack of paper into its place and searched around the library for anything that could help.

_________________

Pinkie admired Spike's devotion to do this. It had been fifteen minutes and he still searched.

She decided it would be best if she helped him out. It honestly seemed like a kind of un-polite thing to let him do it alone.

And she found it instantly.

Inanimate Objects Attacking You?

Well, this was the exact same situation Pinkie had with Twilight. It was under I. "It was under I!" Spike glanced at her and face-clawed. Why didn't he think of that?

Pinkie flipped open the book and began to read its pages.

"Well, I have to deliver a package to Cheerilee since the mail seems to be having issues today." Spike pulled a box from his back, seemingly out of nowhere. "Is it alright if I leave for a bit?" Pinkie nodded and waved a hoof at the door. Spike ran outside and closed the contraption behind him.

________________

The book was just asking her questions! If the object is large, go to page two-forty. If it is small, turn to page six-twenty. This was getting her nowhere! The objects weren't large or small? What did that even mean? Would large mean a chair or a boulder?

Pinkie tossed the book to the ground. "Why can't there just be an answer!" A massive pain slammed into the back of Pinkie's head. "Ow!" She turned to see. Nothing.

She looked at the ground. A book lay open.

Could it be? The universe loves me enough to assist me? She picked up the book and read a paragraph.

Pi to the power of twelve equals... Nope. Not the book. So... where did it come from?

Another wave of pain shot up her back. She spun around quickly. Well, crap.

Thousands of books floated before their shelves. They flapped their covers like birds to levitate.

Pinkie knew there was two ways to handle this situation.

"Can we talk this through?"

"....."

"Please?" The books gave no reply. They simply hovered like birds. Okay. Plan B. Pinkie dashed into the kitchen, the books flying in behind her.

Time slowed. Pinkie glanced around the room looking for anything to defend her from the oncoming barrage. Spatula...spoons...forks... aha! She sped to a frying pan, pulling it off of the counter and swinging it behind her.

The pan gave a pang as it collided with a book, knocking it through the doorway again. Books continued to flood into the room. Pinkie swung the pan randomly, the panging coming from every direction. Papers began to litter the floor. Pinkie had no idea how she was going to hold them off of her. There were too many, and she was getting tired fast. It took a lot of strength to repel things physically. Especially if they were flying toward you.

Pinkie had few chances to look for another way to dispose of her attackers. A toaster could only take down one at a time. The knives would be too hard to use properly, and she could end up hurting herself.

Then she saw it. The oven.

Pinkie slid toward it, hitting books left and right. Twilight's gonna kill me.

The books floated back for a second, allowing Pinkie to open the oven and stand in front of it. "Come on!"

The books agreed to her demand, and sped toward her as fast as Rainbow Dash. Dodging the barrage, Pinkie watched the flying literature flow into the box, not one of them realizing where they were going. The flow lasted for three whole seconds before it stopped, allowing Pinkie Pie to slam the door on them, trapping them inside.

How do they even fit in there? The door was being attacked as the books tried to escape. Pinkie slowly reached her hoof ever the counter as she pressed her body against the door to keep it closed.

A little bit further...

The door was pushed, almost launching her away. She held her ground.

Another inch...

Another push.

Pinkie felt the knob to the oven heat.

Crisis averted. Pinkie spun the dial, turning it to the maximum. The oven gave off a wave of intense heat. Pinkie pulled off of the contraption, staring at it as she backed away. It glowed almost red in heat, and it seemed to be... expanding...

"It's gonna blow!" Pinkie dove through the doorway and into the foyer, the oven blowing and sending a heat wave through the entire library, causing Pinkie to sweat intensely. Cake was plastered around the walls as well. That must have been what Spike was working on before she showed up.

Whoopsie...

The kitchen had patches of fire spread around the kitchen as Pinkie looked inside. Luckily the kitchen was made of glass tiles, which Pinkie found kind of odd that even the ceiling and walls were glass.

She dashed into the foyer. The book about inanimate objects was left untouched. Woo! Something worked out for once! She grabbed the book and sped for the door.

As she opened it, Spike stood outside. "Oh, hi Pinkie! Did you find what you needed?"

Pinkie smiled genuinely, "Yep!" Then she galloped out the door. "Thank you, I'm sorry!" She called over her shoulder as she sped away.

"What?" Spike questioned himself as he walked into the library and closed the door behind him.

Then he looked around the room.

"WHAT?!?!?"

Author's Note

God, I need to update these more often...