Retard Magnets and Archon Toilets

by Jar of Dirt

Rating: teen
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Random, Shining Armor, Crossover, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3281

Shining Armor and Chrysalis battle for the control over Equestria... On the Battlenet. Starcraft 2 crossover

Chrysalis invades Canterlot again, but this time she has something different in mind. Now Shining Armor must fight for Equestria... Over a friendly game of Starcraft 2 multiplayer. In this unending plight of trash talking, accusations of cheating and bizarre tactics, who will prevail?

Written in a fashion non-gamers should be able to understand.

(PEGI Rating T. Ratings may vary online.)

Published 2013-02-07 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-07 02:10:01 UTC

Retard Magnets and Archon Toilets

"You... You what?"

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow in disbelief at Chrysalis' strange ultimatum. Behind him, the Mane 6 and all three princesses looked at each other in confusion, wondering if the changeling queen had lost her mind.

"You heard me," she said. "I want to challenge you to a game of Starcraft. If I lose, you can keep your city for yourself and I'll be on my way. If I win... I shall be crowned queen of both the changelings and ponies." The ranks of changeling drones chirped excitedly at the prospect. Shining Armor had trouble wrapping his head around her idea and stared dumbly at Chrysalis.

"...What?"

"Are you deaf or something?" she hissed, having lost her patience. "I said 1v1 me, faggot!"

The stallion rubbed his temple and glanced nervously at the scores of snarling changelings surrounding the ponies. There were far too many for even the princesses to take on; if he refused, there was nothing preventing Chrysalis from giving her swarm the order to capture them all, and he was dead set on letting nothing hurt Cadence or her little sister. He braced himself and sighed.

"Alright, I accept."

"Shining, do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?"

The stallion in question removed his headset and looked upon his sister's concerned features. Truth be told, he wasn't sure how he would stack up against Chrysalis. Ever since a mysterious lab accident in South Korea had warped in a stack of laptops and Starcraft 2 copies all over Equestria, Shining had instantly fallen for the addictive game and played whenever he had some free time, although he admitted he wasn't very good at it.

"I have to do this Twily. I wouldn't risk you or anypony else getting hurt."

"But... What if you lose?"

He pulled his sister into a hug. "Then we'll still have each other at least." Celestia smiled at the siblings' affection, but her expression turned into a frown when Chrysalis blew them a raspberry.

All ponies and changelings had gathered in the dining hall of Canterlot castle, where they had set up their computers on each side of the long table. Most of the ponies chatted anxiously amongst each other, except for Pinkie Pie, who was going to act as the commentator for the whole game. Chrysalis grinned confidently and slid on her headset.

"I hope you're ready to lose, captain Armor!" Shining merely scowled and put his own headset on again.

"We'll see about that."

Both started Starcraft 2 and logged in onto their respective accounts and setting up a game while Pinkie stood up onto the middle of the dining hall table, cradling a microphone in her hoof.

"Hello everypony, this is Pinkie commentating for Starcraft 2! Today we're casting the game between the Equestrian royal guard captain Shining Armor who is playing as Protoss and queen Chrysalis of the changeling hive, who will be playing as Zerg! Today's game will play out on Blistering Sands as a standard melee game, but with a twist! Whoever wins gets to own all of Equestria!" Pinkie's eyes narrowed as she continued in a dramatic fashion. "Everyone is superrifically excited for the outcome of this match, so without further delay, leeeeeet's get started!"

As the loading screen disappeared and the game started properly, both Chrysalis and Shining started out as everyone always does: sending their workers to harvest minerals and bring them back to their base structure. The captain took a good look at the map as he occasionally built an additional Probe to quicken the harvesting process. Blistering Sands was a fairly simple symmetrical map, with both bases situated on elevated terrain on opposite side of the map and a ramp leading down to the nearest additional mineral and gas patch. A central path lead directly to both bases, with additional resources surrounding it. His eyes narrowed. He knew Chrysalis's base was concealed by the fog of war, and he'd have to sent a scout out soon.

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] glhf faget

Shining scowled at Chrysalis's ribbing and typed his response hastily.

[SexiboiiiBBBFF] fak u

"Oooooh, we haven't even started properly and Chrissy and Shiny are already at each other's throats!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Eventually, he soon reached his supply limit of Probes and set out to build his first Pylon to expand it, along with a Gateway soon afterwards to train his first infantry units. At the same time, he sent out a Probe to scout out the changeling queen's base. What he saw did not surprise him: her opening build was standard for Zerg players, with a couple of Overlords to provide supply and a Spawning Pool. Satisfied, he brought the Probe home and started building an Assimilator to gather Vespene gas and a Cybernetics Core to unlock the next tier of infantry units, along with a second Gateway. By now his mineral count was pretty low, but the two Zealots he had trained during his scouting trip would handle any early rush Chrysalis would try to attempt.

Still, Shining Armor had a nagging feeling about Chrysalis. So far, she had played inconspicuously, not even bothering to scout him out, which meant she was probably planning something. His fears were confirmed when Pinkie suddenly announced loudly:

"Phew, the first few minutes of this game are soooooo boring! It's always the same thing all the time! Probes here, Drones there, minerals here and there! You know what would be fun? Instead of just mining all the time, all those workers could party together! Like Hearth's Warming Eve, but with Xel'Naga towers instead of trees- oh, what is she doing?!"

Shining looked at his base entrance in panic. A small swarm of six Zerglings were gathered just at the base of his ramp, practically taunting him with their presence. He calmed down and chuckled. Another Zealot warped in with a cry of "my life for Aiur!", and the unicorn knew that even outnumbered, the his warriors would make short work of the faster, but much weaker Zerglings, especially when corralled onto the narrow ramp.

"Chrysalis is going on the offensive! She's sending her Zerglings to harass him but- oh my, OH MY! Shining's Zealots have them blocked and is killing them off real easy! She's retreating with her last three ones, and Shiny hasn't lost a single unit!"

Shining smirked despite himself. With his enemy driven off, he could now concentrate on bolstering his forces with two freshly warped in Stalkers and upgrade his Gateways to Warp Gates, while building a Forge to upgrade his units' weapons and armor. Another Assimilator was built along with several more Probes to harvest more resources, and several extra Pylons were laid down to increase his max unit cap. With the basics laid down, Shining felt ready to send in his own harassing force and expand to another mineral patch.

Rather content of his success, he sent a Probe to build a second Nexus at the expansion, only to be surprised when eight Roaches arrived and killed it with their acid spit. Fuming, he sent his small force to deal with them, but the Roaches burrowed underground and out of Shining's reach.

"Oooh, it looks tough for Shiny! Chrissy is blocking his access to the expansion, and her Roaches can just pop up and fire before burrowing again. it's like whack-a-mole, but with Roaches! Does that make it whack-a-roach then, or roach-a-mole? Hmmm..."

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] lawl u noob

Shining cursed under his breath. He would need to build a Robotics Bay and an Observer to detect the burrowed units, and doing so would take time and resources. And without his second base, Chrysalis would have an economical advantage over him. Gingerly, he started building the necessary things while keeping an eye out for the area where he guessed the Roaches were hiding. He also placed down a couple of Photon Cannons in close proximity to his worker line in case Chrysalis decided to unburrow her Roaches inside his base. A couple of minutes later, the Observer was up. Now leading a sizable force of Zealots, Stalkers and Sentries, he sent his army towards the hidden Roaches. The Observer's detection revealed them to Shining's forces, who cut them down effectively before they had the chance to flee.

[SexiboiiiBBBFF] lawl u mad

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] fak u

"It looks like Shiny thwarted Chrissy's evil master plan!"

With the threat eliminated, Shining quickly built his second base along with a few Photon Cannons, and then created more workers to mine. By now his economy was speeding up radically, and he could finally concentrate on going on the offensive. Shining mulled over Chrysalis's tactics so far. He knew by experience she was manipulative (as he recalled his wedding sourly), and he knew the Zerg were perfect for that kind of play style. He gathered his attention to the second ramp on the opposite end of his base: it was partially concealed by brush, and knowing Chrysalis she'd probably use it to flank him. As a precaution, he placed down a Pylon and a couple of Photon Cannons there to prevent any unwanted surprises.

Next, he sent his cloaked Observer to stealthily fly over Chrysalis's base while he bolstered his forces dramatically. Two additional Warp Gates were built, along with another Robotics Bay and two Stargates to let him build air units. He turned his attention to the Observer again, and frowned in concern. The changeling queen had already claimed three bases and was now building a fourth, all of them being interconnected by Zerg creep; the slimy grey substance on the ground that allowed her troops to move faster and offered her basic vision over the area it covered. While her bases were relatively unprotected, she still had a large variety of units at her disposal. Zerglings and Roaches stood aplenty, along with the snakelike Hydralisks and a few of the flying bat-looking Mutalisks. He just had time to see her hatching another wave of Zerglings before he recalled the Observer back to base.

Shining decided he needed to even out the playing field if he ever was to win, so he warped in more Stalkers and Sentries along with a pair of Immortal tanks and sent out his army to harass Chrysalis's forces.

"It looks like Shiny is eager for payback! His forces are still outnumbered, but he can do a lot of damage anyway if he plays it smart!"

True enough, the unicorn decided to direct his forces towards Chrysalis's closest and least defended base, which was located in a small valley. As Shining's forces descended down the ramp and started attacking her Drones, Chrysalis reacted accordingly and sent her own forces in.

"Shiny's doing damage against her workers... And here comes Chrissy's army, they have engaged but Shiny's pulling them back, Chrissy's giving chase and now Shiny's forces are up the ramp and oh, OH! Shiny just blocked the access using Force Fields!"

Now held in place by the Sentries' Force Fields, Chrysalis's forces were unable to properly engage Shining's troops on the high ground, who took full advantage of the Zerg units' lack of vision to bombard them mercilessly. The handful of Mutalisks who could offer the ground units sight of their enemies were quickly shot down, and the changeling queen had to pull out her army before it was killed off. Still, the damage had been done: her army had been decimated, and in no shape to fight Shining's superior troops, who quickly destroyed what was left of the base.

"Ooooh, Chrysalis is gonna feel that one!"

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] wtf sentry op

[SexiboiiiBBBFF] lol u mad chrisy?

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] stfu

[SexiboiiiBBBFF] lol noob

Driven on by his success and Chrysalis's rage, he set his sights on her second base. Once again, the base was easily picked apart by the Protoss units. The Zerglings Chrysalis sent were no match for Shining's troops.

"It looks like she's trying to overwhelm him, but the sentries have put up Force Fields again and the 'lings are herded into a killing zone! Chrissy pulls back!"

Smirking at the changeling queen's misfortune, Shining Armor made his way towards her natural expansion. A small force of Hydralisks engaged his army in hit-and-run attacks on the way, making him lose a few units but not enough to put a serious dent into his troops. As he arrived at the outskirts of the base, he engaged the few Hydralisks and Roaches that remained.

"It doesn't look good for Chrissy! Can she have already lost, as there is not enough units to counter his army- oh oh, OH OH!"

Little did Shining know that Chrysalis's troops were merely there to hold him in place. As Shining looked at the rear of his army, his face paled at the sight of what was headed towards him.

Banelings. Tons of Banelings.

The suicide units washed over his forces like a tidal wave, drowning everything in a sea of corrosive acid. Shining winced as his units were almost completely erased from the map: only a handful of Stalkers and a heavily damaged Immortal had survived and now limped pitifully back to base. Chrysalis cackled madly at her successful assault.

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] lolololololololololololol

Shining scowled at the loss of his army, but his goal had been achieved. With two bases down, Chrysalis had now slipped down to equal footing with him.

"This is a good game fillies and gentlecolts! Neither side looks like it is about to gain the upper hand, so who will prevail?!"

Fueled by the determination to finish off their foe once and for all, both sides ramped up their macro skills substantially. Both were now up to three bases, with extensive fortifications being built around. Both sides now focused on the oldest RTS tactic in the book: building a giant deathball of high-tier units and unleashing them onto each other. The Protoss army was now comprised of a significant number of Stalkers and Sentries, along with a contingent of High Templars: unarmed support units capable of unleashing Psionic Storms to wipe out groups of organic units, and highly effective against the Zerg. Towering Colossus battlewalkers were also present, capable of scorching entire armies with their thermal lances, along with Void Ray strike craft and Carrier ships that floated overhead.

Chrysalis was no less prepared. Along with an uncountable amount of Zerglings, Roaches and Hydralisks, she also had the massive Ultralisks, huge brutes that dealt area damage with their claws, flying Corruptors to deal with air units, and the slow-moving but powerful Brood Lords that sent swarms of tiny Broodlings at their targets. Also present were the insidious Infestors, who much like the High Templars lacked a basic attack but made up with the ability to stop armies in their tracks with their fungal growth, spawn infested units or even mind control enemy units.

"This is it ponies," Pinkie whispered. "The final confrontation..."

The two armies moved out, and all of the ponies and changelings watched in silence for the outcome of the battle. Eventually, after trying to gauge the other's strength, both tired of their stalling and set out towards the very middle of the map, where they clashed violently.

The result was a chaotic maelstrom of fireworks and gore. Zerglings charged, only to be ripped apart by the Colossi and Psionic Storms. Sentries tried to block the Zerg advance, but the Ultralisks smashed them simply by walking over them and shredded huge casualties among the Stalkers, who in turn traded bitter fire with Roaches and Hydralisks. In the air, Brood Lords unleashed terrifying firepower on the ground, only to be killed off by the Void Rays, who in turn were swatted out of the sky by Corruptors. Slowly though, Shining Armor was winning. The amount of damage he had taken was astounding, but Chrysalis was in somewhat worse shape.

It all changed in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Chrysalis revealed her Infestors. They instantly did enormous damage to Shining's army, immobilizing his Stalkers and using neural parasite to control his Colossi and Carriers. Shining could only watch in horror as half his army either froze in place or turned against him. With the Infestors now joining into the fray, his troops were quickly reduced to cinders. Desperately, he barely had time to recall his High Templar, a few Stalkers and a lone Colossus before they were destroyed.

"OH NO!" Pinkie gasped dramatically. "Shining's force has been destroyed! All that stands between changeling rule over Equestria and freedom is a couple of bases... Wait, what is that?"

Shining's mouth turned into a triumphant grin as his Mothership finally warped onto the battlefield and used it's Mass Recall ability to pull whatever was left of his troops off the battlefield.

"Shiny has a mothership! But it won't stop Chrysalis..."

True enough, the changeling queen's army was knocking onto his base's door, but Shining paid no heed. Even as a cackling Chrysalis destroyed his expansion closest to the main base, it would serve as a distraction for him to finish merging his remaining High Templar into their Archon forms. As it finished, he moved his entire army to intercept Chrysalis, who snorted at his paltry numbers.

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] gg loser

However, Chrysalis did one fatal error at this moment. In her eagerness to defeat the pony once and for all, she moved her entire force up the ramp in a packed cluster. Just what Shining needed. As soon as they ascended, he brought forth the Mothership and unleashed it's Vortex ability.

In an instant, Chrysalis's entire army was sucked into the wormhole. Directly after, he sent in his Archons too, letting them purposely being sucked into the vortex along with the Zerg army.

Silence hung tense in the hall as everyone gaped at Shining Armor's bizarre playstyle. Twilight walked up to her brother with an inquisitive look. "Brother, what are you-"

She didn't have time to finish as the vortex ended and spewed out all of the trapped units. Chrysalis's army, unlike Shining's archons, had been packed together into one huge pile. This ultimately proved fatal. As one, all Archons fired their psionic attacks into the massive unit pile. Considering that around twenty Archons using high damage attacks with splash damage fired into them, the result was both spectacular and terrifying: the Zerg army had all been annihilated in the span of two seconds from the massive explosive damage they had been dealt.

Chrysalis's jaw hung limply at the smoking remains of her army.

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] WTF U FUKN HAX

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] WTF WAS THAT

[SexiboiiiBBBFF] archon toilet

[SexiboiiiBBBFF] lololloololololololololololollololollol

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Pinkie yelled. "SHINING WINS THE DAY USING AN ARCHON TOILET! THAT WAS SUPERRIFICALLY, EXTRAAWESOMELY AWESOME!"

Chrysalis's face was bright red with rage as the Archons tore through what was left of her base.

[xXxM1ssK3rr1g4nL0v3rxXx] gg fukn fag

Then she disconnected, tossed the laptop through the window and stormed off angrily in company of her dejected changelings.

Shining breathed a sigh of relief and slumped down into his chair as the ponies cheered at his victory. Apparently, somepony (probably Pinkie) had decided to decorate the entire room with streamers and balloons in celebration of such an event. The guardspony was relieved to see Twilight and Cadence approaching him and hugging him tightly. Exhausted, Shining closed his eyes and drifted away to sleep.

And then everything was chocolate cake and nothing hurt.

Author's Note

I... Really have no idea why I wrote this. I suppose the thought of Shining Armor and Chrysalis smack talking online was funny enough to write it down.

And yes, the Archon Toilet is a legit tactic.

And yes, the ending is rushed.