The Flustering of the Jimbobs

by Regidar

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Other
Length: 1915

Twilight and Rainbow Dash try desperately to save some balloon animals and fail. Hilarity ensues?

Twilight and Rainbow Dash try desperately to save some balloon animals and fail. Join me on this epic adventure of loss, love, and a third thing.

Am I funny yet?

Published 2013-01-28 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-28 23:50:01 UTC

Too Many God Damn Music Links

Twilight Sparkle sighed, and turned to Rainbow Dash. “Dashie... I’m sorry. There was nothing we could do.”

Dashie’s eyes teared up. “You weren’t able to save my collection of balloon animals?”

“They had an adverse reaction to the surgery. I probably shouldn’t have used knives and rusty tacks to try and re-inflate them.”

Rainbow Dash fell to the ground in a heap. Tears poured from her eyes, which began to excite her; She has a crying fetish, you see.

“Twilight, I hate to ask an egghead like you to do this, but,” Dashie snerked the snot that was running from her muzzle back into her sinuses. “Can you eat me out?”

Twilight stared blankly at Twilight. She turned away from the mirror to look at Rainbow Dash. “Um, what?”

“Come on! I have Candy Vag!”

“I don’t want to have to brush my teeth after eating somepony out!”

Rainbow Dash used the “:Rainbowhuh:” emote. “You brush your teeth?”

“You don’t?” Twilight smiled, revealing her sparkling clean teeth.

Rainbow Dash smiled too, revealing horribly rotted yellow munching devices. A worm crawled out of a hole in one and into a crack in the other. A live raccoon had set up shop in her molars. Somewhere out in the world, four out of five dentists died of an aneurysm. The final living one, Colgate, suffered minor brain hemorrhaging, and then was hit by a bus full of israeli schoolchildren.

Twilight fell back as the wave of stank from the pegasus's mouth assailed her nostrils. The unicorn wished she could vomit, but her disgust had surpassed even nausea. She wasn't sure how much longer she could live like this.

"Well, fine then," Rainbow Dash said with a crack of her voice. "Be like that. I don't even care."

Twilight lay on her side, fatally wounded. She surely would have been awarded a purple heart for her bravery and the hell she had been forced through after the stench of Dashie's rancid breath.

"Rainbow… I know I have not much time left," Twilight's voice was barely a whisper. Rainbow Dash had to lean in to catch every word the unicorn breathed out.

"No… no, it can't end like this!" Dashie was unable to believe this. Her best friend… she wasn't going out like this.

"Maybe… maybe you'll learn to brush your fucking teeth…" And with those last parting words, Twilight dieded.

Rainbow Dash let tears fall from her eyes to sprinkle Purple Smart's dead body. "Goodbye, Twilight…"

"Show him what for it mean to be real super sand…"

However, little did Dashie know that her tears were magical. Not only did they turn her on more than normal crying did, but they were able to grant life back into Twilight's expired corpse.

However, her tears did have a side effect: Death. And so, Twilight was revived only to die again. Dashie continued to cry, repeating this vicious cycle over and over, until Spike showed up to pimp-slap Dashie.

"Yo, RD may nizzle," Spike said in an accent reminiscent of Kanye West's. "Imma let you finish, but Twilight's gonna be dead 5ever."

"No, Spike-Chan…" Rainbow's eyes were huge and all kawaii-desu. "She cannot be dead!"

"Bitch, she dead."

~~Twilight~~ Rainbow Dash sobbed harder. Spike gazed upon this sad sight, and took some pity on this foo.

"Alright, fine, ya cracker. I'll use my black guy magic to revive her."

Spike did just that. Except there was one fatal flaw in his plan. He was a dragon, and everyone knows that dragons can't be black. That's Zecora's job. She's the only black person in all of Equestria.

So, they opted for their next option: Take Twibright Sparadilly to the hospital.

"But I'm a mormon!" Rainbow Dash protested. "Everypony knows that mormons don't believe in hospitals!"

"Bitch, shut the fucknuts up and get in my jeep!" Spike had since jumped out the window and pulled up in his cadillac. Rainbow Dash gave the car a blank look.

"But my religion-"

"Shut the fucknuts up and get in the rescue vehicle!"

Rainbow sighed and flipped Twilight's flaccid body onto her back. The rainbow-carpeted pegasus slid into the cadillac, and music started to play in the background.

The survivors have escaped!

"Lame, Imma put on some real music!" Spike grabbed the radio and switched it to the leading rap artist of the year, Wiz Banana. As the lyrics belted out rhyming epics about the enjoyments of smoking weed, Spike nonchalantly ran over Pip in his car. No one likes british people.

"Spiek, this music sucks," Rainbow Dash put bluntly. She flipped to a radio station with a real taste in music, where Neighvana was singing the timeless classic "Smells Like Foal Spirit".

"Oh, I could touch myself to Kurt Coltmane's sexy voice all night," Candy Vag said with a sigh of pure orgasmic bliss as the singer's voice cracked akin to how hers did so often.

"Ho, this wigger be dead!" Spike stared at the radio like it was the most foul thing he had ever laid eyes on.

"So is 2pic and Smally Bigs!" The names of the rappers have been changed to avoid holographic assault.

"Damn, can't argue with that one."

So the two came to a mutual agreement, and decided to listen to the greatest song I have in my iTunes: Fuck a Dog.

They eventually showed up at the hospital, where Twilight was rushed inside and treated for vaginal fungus. It was too late, for the infection had spread to her brain. She re-animated as a horrible fungus controlled monster. Twilight Fungusmonster had only one thing on her mind, the most basic of Fungus instincts: To sit there and slowly feast on decaying organic matter.

"Spike," Twi- I mean, Rainbow Dash said, her red cape blowing majestically in the wind. "There is only one thing we can do in this scenario."

"Nigglet, you can't be cereal."

"But I am." Rainbow Dash sighed, and kicked the nuclear bomb next to her. It was the only way to save Equestria from a million mushrooms.

The explosion encompassed all of Ponyville, leaving an irradiated crater in its wake. Dashie lost karma.

In a nightclub in Canterlot, two stallions awoke in the bathroom stall, covered in fecal matter and urine. These two stallions were none other than Rainbow Blitz and Dusk Shine.

"Shit, how'd we get here?" Rainbow Blitz's voice cracked. "Weird Al" was playing off in the background somewhere.(insert a weird al song)

The two stallions went off into the nightclub where DJ-Pon3 was breaking down the sickest mixes of all time.

"Hell yeah, Fall Out Foal!" Dusk Shine shook his sexy purple plot to the infectious groove. Rainbow Blitz remained unamused.

"You're dead to me."

"P3n15," Dusk Shine commented unexpectedly.

"U wot m8?" Rainbow Blitz cocked his head.

"If I become a DJ, that is going to be my name."

"Good luck," Rainbow Blitz said with a gay little laugh.

"Thank you," the unicorn stallion said, on the verge of mental retardation. "I will only play Neighvana, and Fall Out Foal. And Paramare."

"And be called gay." Rainbow Blitz chuckled as though this was the funniest statement in the entire fucking universe.

"And mayhaps Green Hay, if you'e been a good boy."

"I wouldn't listen to you," Rainbow Blitz said with a mean laugh. Dusk Shine's ego shrivled like a scrotum out in the cold.

Dusk Shine grabbed Rainbow Blitz's plot.

"Rape inbound," Dusk Shine's percy smile rivaled that of Molestia's. "Of the butt variety."

Rainbow Blitz grabbed his compadre's arm, and flipped him over the table, which had not been there earlier.

Dusk Shine reached out and grabbed dat ass.

The rainbow pegasus male retaliated by grabbing back. "Nu nu, you no
dom!"

Both of the stallions were holding onto each other's plots.

"We can try both being dom." Dusk Shine scratched his tubbed with one hoof. "Does that even work?"

"It is not possible!"

"WE CAN TRY!" The purple stallion resisted the urge to quote Braveheart at the most appropriate of times.

"IF WE BELIEVE IN OURSELVES!" His shout inspired three nearby ravers to commit suicide via pillz here.

"69," Rainbow Blitz suggest, furthering this statement by making the :3 face.

"Ok, fine," Twilight said, giving in.

Dusk Shine flipped the other stallion upside down.

"Only because I didn't get you a birthday present."

Rainbow Blitz laughed nervously. "It's not my birthday…"

Pedo Shine's smile was back. "Too bad."

Dusk Shine shoved his dick in Rainbow Blitz's mouth, and vice versa.

The pegasus sucked the dick like a noon-day lollipop, but not without wondering why the fuck he was doing this.

"Because you love it," The purple not-pegasus stallion said by cheating and reading the narrative.

Dusk Shine also sucked on the delishus pony cock in his mouth, but he sucked better than Rainbow Blitz could ever hope to.

Using the ancient unicorn magics that were bestowed to him by the power of Jesus, Dusk Shine grabs a spoon and shoved it up his pegasus partner's pert ass.

God damn, is that kinky.

Dusk Shine grunted, and unloaded in Blitz's mouth, and decided he would decapitate the sorry stallion if he didn't swallow.

Fortunately for Rainbow, he swallowed the magnificent load, and came over Dusk Shine in a never ending wave.

And everyone drowned.

The end.

But not really, because I am intent on punishing you all by writing even more of this marvelous fic.

"You got some balls on you, kid," Dusk Shine said with a laugh. The two of them were sitting on the top of Canterlot Palace, watching the sea of Rainbow Blitz's cum envelope the world. Thousands would die, and Noah Pony did not have time enough to build an ark.

"Drowning the world like that," Dusk Shine went on to say.

"Best way ever," Rainbow Blitz agreed. He grunted, and with another spasm sent out a few more thousand gallons of cum to punish the world.

"Well, I've got to get going now, my-" The unicorn stopped when he saw that his waifu, Nicolas Cage, was standing behind them.

"How amusing. You think you can just cheat on me?"

"Nic-sama. I'm sorry I cheated on you."

"Did you really think that empty words could heal my broken heart?" Nic said with a sniff of sorrow.

"But Nic-Sama... Blitz-san was nothing but a replacement for you! But he wasn't a good one… You will always be my true love."

"Did you shout out my name during climax? If yes, I might forgive you."

"I did... I left that part out because Blitz-san was angry with me…"

"Just look at yourself, always making up excuses."

"I'm sorry, Nic-sama... forgive me…"

Twist, who had also survived, spat out her peppermint tea. "Wut."

"Animu…" Sweetie Belle explained. Magic, that's how.

"Damn, I cannot stay mad at you, honey. Ah, Shine-chan." Nicolas Cage and Dusk Shine had fabulous gay buttsex in the glow of a world slowly being consumed by Blitz's semen.

"Brilliant!!" Elijah said, cackling over his transcript of highly out of character characters and general idiocity.

"Shine-kun and Nic-chan make the best shipping, in fact that is my new ship. Nicshine! Excuse me while I go draw fangirl pornography of my new OP ship, like omg."

And no one wrote a letter to Celestia, because that would just be stupid.

Author's Note

And now, a 9/11 joke:
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"Oh shit, it IS a plane!"