Lucifer Visits Equestria

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Slice of Life, Dark, Human
Length: 2950

When Celestia has tea with the Lord of Sin himself, the unexpected is sure to happen. Now he's spending his vacation here.

Who wouldn't want to have tea with the Princess of the Sun herself, Celestia? Not Lucifer, who decides to take a break from tormenting the Earth to have a nice, relaxing chat with the alicorn ruler. And to drink tea. Though he prefers coffee. Then one thing leads to another and now he's kicking it back in Equestria, spending his vacation in the land of ponies. This will not end well.

Inspired by Regidar's story Celestia Meets God.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-03 01:30:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Low and Behold

It was a bright, sunny day in Equestria. Every day it was bright and sunny. I mean, like seriously, would it kill everyone for one partly cloudy day, or at least a storm every once in a while?

Anyway, it was just what I just said before in Equestria, and everypony was as happy as could be. Bunch of stupid idio- I mean, wonderful ponies going about their day. All peaceful and mannerly, with a nice how do you do as they pass by each other in the streets. Ignorant flies that buzz to their tasks without a care in the world. Disgusting.

As I was saying before, blah blah blah, bright and sunny, blah blah blah, happy ponies, blah blah blah, and then we move onto the big stuff. That stuff being the royal ass of Princess Celestia of course. Seriously, have you seen that chunk of butt flab? You can eat a five course dinner on that thing and still have room for dessert.

The Princess of the Sun was currently humming to herself happily as he prepared a tea set on a simple table on the balcony outside her bed chambers. She had gotten word a very important guest was about to visit her. Strange thing was that there wasn't any specification of who her mystery guest was, just that he was arriving at three for tea with the Princess. While Celestia certainly was a busy ruler, she had decided to spend her hour off of her duties with the stranger, whoever he may be. And yes, even immortal leaders get time off ruling their nation.

Pouring some apple flavored tea from the teakettle into her cup, she took her seat on some fluffy pillows and blew on the tea softly. It was more of a force of habit than a necessity, since her ability to control the sun pretty much made her extremely resilient to heat, but it was still a comforting duty to act normal for once and blow on her tea. Sipping slowly, she smacked her lips when finished, the warmth from the drink putting her at ease. She stared at the tempting offer of treats and pastries, but decided to lay off the sweets... at least until her guest arrived.

Actually, a good question would be where was he? Usually holding an audience with the Princess meant the guest of honor would be early, or at least punctual. But now he was a full five minutes late. Celestia was unused to this, and no word from the servants meant that he hadn't entered the castle yet. Sighing sadly, she took another sip on her apple flavored drink, disappointed that she wouldn't get to meet the mystery stranger.

"Looking for someone?" a gruff voice asked from behind her. Turning her head only revealed no one was there. Celestia shook her crowned head, the stress of the day clearly getting to her.

"Didn't answer my question, sweet cheeks," that same voice from before asked, this time right in front of her, but once again no figure could be seen.

Furrowing her brow, Celestia got out of her seat and demanded, "What is the meaning of this tricky? Whoever you are, reveal yourself."

A faint chuckle could be heard from a distance away. "Okay, okay, chill down. Actually, that's pretty ironic to ask of someone who can control the sun." A faint shimmer could be seen from the corner of her eye, so Celestia confronted the voice who was finally revealing himself.

It was... a human? Yes, a human, one of tannish white skin, about six feet of height, wavy blonde hair that seemed to shimmer in the light, and a lean face with a defined jaw line that could swoon any human woman. He was of medium build, wearing tuxedo, traditional in style and not a blemish or wrinkle on it. All in all, a normal looking human male with good fashion taste. "Well... this is unexpected," Celestia noted, instantly winning the title of captain obvious.

The human smiled, a pair of pearly white teeth tucked in his mouth. "I could say the same about you," he said, chuckling slightly as he sat crossed legged on the pillow seat across from Celestia. "So, your guest of honor has arrived. What, no trumpets or special coronation on my behalf?"

"Well, it's just, um..." Celestia sighed and rubbed the side of her head in thought, absently running a hoof through her multicolored, flowing mane. "I received word of an important guest for tea, but a human was the farthest from mind."

"Heck, meeting a talking horse with a horn and wings is far from what even I expected," he responded, that small smile still planted on his face. Leaning forward, he reached and grabbed the teakettle, easily pouring himself a cup.

Celestia's eyes darted back and forth, the Princess now in an interesting position. One of surprise. And as far as surprises come by, a human revealing himself as her guest and having tea with her was most definitely up there on her list. "So, um..." she began, stopping to sip more from her tea to clear her thoughts better. "Why exactly are you here? More importantly, how did you get here?"

The human shrugged, sipping at his own tea and grimacing slightly from the taste. "Ugh, more of a fan of coffee myself. Or maybe a glass of wine. And to answer your questions, I came here to have tea with you. I just walked the rest of the way to arrive here."

The white coated alicorn blinked in surprise. "Walked? But how did you get past the guards? And to my balcony? There's spells in place to prevent anyone from entering here."

Once again, the human simply shrugged, sipping at his pipping hot tea with a care in the world. "I walked from a portal I created into your world. Easy enough, and all magical protections you have on this place were cancelled out instantly."

"B-But, how?" she repeated herself, shocked. "How were you able to do all that? Humans aren't capable of doing magic."

The smile on his face switched to one of childlike deviousness as he arched an eyebrow at her. "Who said I was human?"

Another blink from the Princess. "I... only assumed you to be one from your appearance."

He shook his head, leaning back slightly to stretch his back. "Appearances can be deceiving."

Nodding, she took another sip from her tea to clear her throat, an awkward silence settling on the two. Coughing nervously, she blurted out, "So what's your name?"

"I go by many names," he began. "Old Scratch, the Devil, Satan, the Dark Lord, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, Lord of Sin, Archangel of Light. But to keep the titles short, just call me Lucifer."

"L-Lucifer. As in... the Lucifer from the Bible?" Celestia asked, reeling from this information.

"The one and only. Though I have to ask, how'd you come to know me?" Lucifer questioned her, refilling his tea with two sugar cubes added to try and improve the flavor for him. It didn't do much.

Celestia awkwardly rubbed the back of her elegant neck with a hoof, averting her gaze from his. "Well... since I know humans are real, I sometimes may dabble in reading some of their books, watch a movie or two, maybe even partake in the occasional dance song or video game..."

Lucifer merely rolled his eyes and sipped his cup, pinkie finger pointing out to be really elegant. "Please, I'm the Lord of Lies. You have an entire room stockpiled with human pulp-fiction, don't you?"

Hanging her head down slightly in shame while blushing, she mumbled, "Yes." Lifting her head, she leaned closer to get a better look at the incarnation of evil. "You're... different than what I expected."

At this he just shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, well, I used to have horns, but you get real tired of all the horny jokes idiots make cracks about."

Celestia nodded her head in understanding, tilting her head to the side as she continued to examine him. "And another thing. The description that came from the book clearly said you had a monstrous appearance with goat legs and other deformities."

"I find it more fitting to change my appearance when the need arises," he explained, setting his tea cup on the table and grabbing an apple fritter to nibble on. "This is one of my favorites for my human forms. It's comfortable, sleek, and best of all, in style this Fall."

The alicorn Princess set down her now lukewarm tea, gazing in wonderment at the creature before her. "Okay then. Why, pray tell, are you here now? Aren't you stuck in your domain of, um, H-E-double toothpicks?" she asked, blushing slightly at the mention of what the last word meant. While ponies usually substituted the word Tarterus for the plain of eternal suffering, Celestia was a Princess after all, so the use of bad language, even in human slang, was uncomfortable to her.

Chewing on the apple fritter in a bored manner, he carefully wiped some crumbs off his perfectly white shirt, his relaxed demeanor unsettling the alicorn somewhat. "While I do have ties to Hell, I can still walk the mortal planes however which I please. The reason I arrived here, and manipulated it so I may speak with you, is because I'm taking a break. A vacation if you wish to call it that. One can only take so much of humanity's stupidity and having to torture them endlessly before you need some time off."

Well, that certainly was unexpected. Celestia sat in moot silence, mixing her tea with some milk without even paying attention to the drink. "Why is it that you hate humanity so much?" Curiosity forced her to speak this question, and to gauge how would he answer it. Rage and anger more closely related to his demonic appearance in the Bible? Or the cold, calculating approach he's had so far?

Now it was Lucifer's turn to fall silent as he finished the last of his pastry. "Ugh, apples. Would it have killed you to get more variety?" he berated the Princess, before washing down the last remnants of the pastry in his mouth with tea. Apple flavored tea. Damnit. "And to asnwer your really insightful question, I hate humanity because it's a joke. A joke that I couldn't even laugh at without being cast away like a common tramp."

Celestia was about to open her mouth to speak again when Lucifer interrupted her to continue his tirade. "Those insufferable animals. Still the disgusting filth that didn't even evolve past the pond scum they started out as. And you know what God wanted me to do? Bow down to them! Me, the Archangel of Light, bow down to God's newest screw up! Of course I wouldn't! Refusal was my answer, and war for Heaven's domain was the solution!"

Lucifer realized that the temperature on the balcony had started to become sweltering, so he sighed and slumped the best he could in his seat. "And look where that got me. Kicked out of paradise... and forced to reside in Hell instead. Filled with the creatures that got me outcast in the first place. So of course I hate them. A bad joke of sentient life, one I was the only one brave enough to scoff at, and be punished for."

The white coated alicorn gazed at Lucifer with a strange mix of pity and disapproval. "You may consider them less of you, but you are no better than them. All life is equal. All life is great."

Lucifer burst out laughing, his perfect white teeth clearly seen in his mouth, his hand slapping the table in glee. "That's a load of crap coming from you! An all mighty, powerful being ruling over the lesser folk? How are you any better than me?"

"My little ponies chose me to rule them," she replied, glaring at the Dark Lord. "Through peace and harmony we have prospered."

"You mean through dictatorship and oppression you have prospered with your tyrant rule?" Lucifer interrupted, grinning deviously from ear to ear.

Celestia's scowl only increased from his statement. Her previous curiosity and wonder quickly turned to contempt for him. "I am not a tyrant. Me and my sister co-rule Equestria and for a thousand years and this country has known nothing but harmony... except for the occasional flummox." Celestia flinched when she remembered the previous year's events. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra... so, not exactly the most harmonic of times, but better than nothing.

"Ah yes, the careful mix of love, friendship, magic, and a benevolent dictator results in instant harmony," he said, sarcasm dripping from each word he uttered. "You're no better than me at the rate you're going."

The two lapsed into silence for a moment as Celestia struggled to compose herself. "From the numerous books describing you and your actions, I will never be like you. I may be many things, but evil is not one of them."

Satan merely waved his hand off at her words. "Why would you accuse me of being evil? If anything, I am more good than you'll ever be."

"Good?" Celestia mocked, her turn to be snide at her guest, Princess manners be damned. "If I remember right you are the farthest thing from good imaginable."

"How am I evil when I punish the wicked, torture the vile, and some other third thing? Doesn't that make me good?" he asked her, arching an eyebrow.

She shook her head. "No, because you take joy in doing these acts."

"Of course I do!" he shouted, pointing ac accusing finger at the Princess. "Who wouldn't be happy doing the only job they're good at?"

"You had a different job once," she reminded him. "You used to be an Archangel. One who spread light and joy throughout the world." This only made the Sin Giver roll his eyes.

Lucifer crossed his arms and fumed quietly. Eventually, he got out of his seat and turned his back to the Princess, muttering, "I knew it would be a waste of time to come here."

"Then why come?" she asked. "Why would the personification of sin even arrive to a place like Equestria? What is your purpose here?"

"..." Lucifer took a couple of steps closer to the edge of the balcony, the vast expanse of the castle, Canterlot, and Equestria itself spread out before him. He laid his hands on railing, his coat blowing in the breeze. "Curiosity. Why you ponies are like this. Naive fools without a care in the world. Much more different than my own world..."

Rising from her seat, she took a few hesitant steps toward him, not quite sure what to say. An entirely new situation for her, since her long lifetime and experience usually led her to have a head for almost anything. But now... she was dealing with a creature eons old and apparently the evilest being in existence. "You may call us naive fools, but I believe different. We follow the teachings of tolerance and love. If you were to stick around... maybe you could learn to be more like us."

Lucifer chuckled. "Now you're starting to sound like those Christians. But... seeing how I have nothing else to do at the moment, I think I'll take you up on that offer. Annoying you ponies should be a good round of fun," he said, winking at her.

Forcing a fake smile, she said, "Well... it's a start, I guess. Hopefully we can make some headway tomorrow with your, um... problems."

"Problems? Celly, this is my vacation time, so the only problem I'll have is deciding where I should take my naps and what type of wine to take them with," he laughed, running a hand through his short, glossy blonde hair. She noticed that his hair actually made it seem like two horns were sticking out on either side of his head, but his hand brush caused them to disappear. "Sit back and relax. No more humans to deal with. Or demons. Even better."

Before Celestia could retort, a voice from her bedroom door could be heard. "Tia, the Elements are here to see you! Are you done talking to your guest?" the thunderous voice of her sister, Princess Luna, asked. Celestia made a note to remind Luna to keep her voice much lower while inside. She was tired of having to replace windows and mirrors in the castle because of her extremely high pitch. Turning back to Satan, she was surprised to see he wasn't there at the railing any longer. Searching the rest of the balcony revealed nothing of the Dark Lord.

Sighing and starting to regret her spur of the moment decision, she rested her head in one hoof and said, "Yes sister, I have finished my talk. Tell the Elements I'll be with them in a moment!" She considered telling the rest about Satan, but instantly threw that idea out. They knew nothing of him, plus, this was her responsibility to deal with.

Walking back into her room to prepare for her dinner with the Elements, Celestia could hear the faintest of chuckles. "Have fun with din-din, Celly. Tomorrow, we'll have some fun..." the voice whispered in her ear, so close it like it was just over her shoulder. Shuddering while taking a few quick steps forward to escape the voice, Celestia felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Like she'd probably bit off more than she could chew with this new situation.