Usually he was so full of joy. Not a day would go by when he wouldn’t start the morning by leaping off whatever bed he’d slept in – whether it be in an apartment, an abandoned funhouse or an asylum – and planning what fun he would have that morning. He was a clown, after all, and a clown was meant to bring smiles, but not without bringing a little piece of terror as well.
He was free from Arkham. He had not only made camp in an abandoned comedy theatre, but had managed to decorate the place quite nicely and get internet access there too. While his mind kept telling him to burst from the decaying doors onto the streets of Gotham, the Joker’s body would only allow him to lie on the bed, face in pillow. Though he had managed to grab his MP3 player, with which he could listen to ‘Baggy Trousers’ on loop, he still found it hard to regain his famous grin. His wide smile, full of distorted yellow teeth and framed with haphazard lipstick, was what haunted the nightmares of everyone in Gotham, and thus was Joker’s pride and joy.
Yet it didn’t come.
As he found a way to stretch his legs, buying him an iota of energy, none other than Harley Quinn leapt into the makeshift bedroom. Turning over, Joker stared right at Harley as she pranced about. Watching her usually bestowed upon him some inspiration, gave him that nightmare smile.
‘Mister Jay,’ said Harley, the bells on her hat tinkling away, ‘I just found anudder booleg DVD of Mah Little Pony!’
Joker’s face twisted into a grimace, his wrinkles emphasised by his pale white skin. ‘What did you say, Harley?’
‘I said I found some more Mah Little Pony! Wanna watch it? I could even bring my Fluttershy toy!’
‘Harley.’ The Joker rose from his bed, not unlike Count Orlock rising from his coffin. ‘I don’t want to hear about My Little Pony today.’
‘Oh, c’mon, Mister Jay!’ Harley approached her pudding, pinching the ends of his lips and rising them upwards. ‘Like my mudder always said, dere’s nothing like ponies to turn that frowny upside downy!’
Batting away Harley’s arms, Joker let the pseudo-smile make way for his natural expression. ‘I said, I don’t want to think about ponies today! So take that DVD and shove it!’
‘B-but, Mister Jay,’ said Harley, finger to lip, eyes growing too big for her mask. ‘Mister Big-Head Man wanted to watch it too.’
‘What?’ A small piece of life sparked within the Joker. ‘He’s here?’
Indeed, a small bald man, reaching up to Harley’s knee, entered, his large round head barely making up for his diminutive size.
‘Mr. Mxyzptlk?’
‘That’s right!’ said Mr. Mxyzptlk, adjusting his bowtie, ‘Spell that name if you can, but whatever way you spell it, it spells trouble for Superman! Now, you look a little down in the dumps, and that scares me.’ Mxyzptlk shuddered before looking upwards with a sympathetic expression. ‘Care to say why?’
Joker sighed, directing Harley and Mxyzptlk to his laptop, which, despite his earlier objections, sported a Firefox window with Ponibooru. Right there on the screen was a picture of the Joker next to a draconic yet silly-looking monster. Under each face was a bar.
‘Look! The Hub ran a ‘Naughty and Nice’ contest, and according to the votes, Discord is ‘naughtier’ than me! Me!’
‘Whoa.’ Mxyzptlk floated onto the keyboard. ‘That ain’t right.’
‘Why?’ The Joker raised his arms to the air. ‘I can turn people’s brains to jelly far better than that thing ever could, and I don’t need some fancy-pants magical powers to do it! No offense, Mxy.’
‘None taken.’
‘I am meant to be the scourge of Gotham, what all children fear lurks under their beds at night. The viewers of the Hub should realise that, but what happens? At first I think, perhaps it’s them who are wrong! The voters are brain-dead morons who wouldn’t know a true criminal genius if it murdered their entire family. But then...’ Joker slumped his shoulders, staring at the wall. ‘What if it’s me? What if I’ve lost my touch?’ Raising his head, he added, ‘I mean, remember that pre-school caper? Half of the kids got out alive! That’s not me!’
‘Oh, for crying out loud!’ Mxyzptlk slapped his palm against his massive forehead. ‘I came here for some laughs! If I wanted a pity party, I would have gone by Freeze’s place!’
‘I’m not even sure I can continue work on my fanfiction!’
Harley gasped. ‘Ya mean da one where Pinkie Pie starts sellin’ novelty cakes? That one’s really good!’
‘Yeah, yeah. But...I’m not the naughtiest.’
‘Gah!’ Mxyzptlk pulled on the ends of his bowler hat before floating up to the Joker’s face. ‘You think you’re the only one overshadowed? I don’t get half the fanart and stuff that Discord guy gets, but you don’t hear me complaining! You know why?’
The Joker shook his head.
‘Because I know I’m twice the villain he is! I’ve got more style, I’ve got more finesse. People only like him ‘cause he’s like some jerk in Star Trek, hah! I, on the other hand,’ continued Mr. Mxyzptlk, placing a hand on his stomach, ‘am unique. I don’t need some nerd show to make me imposing! I’m fine the way I am!’
‘Sure,’ replied the Joker, a smile beginning to sprout, ‘that’s why Little Boy Blue is always making you say your name backwards!’
Mxyzptlk clenched his fists and shook them for a while, before recomposing himself. ‘And besides, I don’t think Discord ever crippled anyone or blew anyone up, did he?’
‘That’s true.’ Joker’s smile had returned.
‘In fact,’ said Mxyzptlk, beginning to chortle, ‘You know what I’m going to do? Just to prove we’re better, I’m goin’ to bring that dragon jerk right here! Then we’ll see who’s the naughtiest round this joint!’
‘Um, Mxy,’ said Joker, losing his grin again, ‘I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.’
‘Why sure it is! We’ll bring him here and then make him want to leave!’ Waving his arms, Mxyzptlk worked his magic and in seconds, a beam of light erupted in the corner of the room. A cloven hoof began to materialise from the beam, followed by a reptilian claw. These became connected through a long body that slithered out of the light, which also bore two mismatched arms. Atop the wriggling torso sat a goat-like head, with yellow eyes dashing about the room.
As soon as Discord had fully appeared, so did the mallet which whacked him on the head.
‘Hey, horn head!’ Discord turned to face Mxyzptlk, the latter turning into a cloud. ‘So I hear you’ve been stealing the Joker’s thunder, have you?’ A bolt of lightning emitted from Mxyzptlk, only for Discord to grab it and bend it.
‘Am I right in assuming,’ said Discord, as Mxy changed back. ‘that my summoning here is because of some jealousy? I mean, I don’t blame you. Someone who sounds like the parrot from Aladdin would likely be envious of my mellifluous tones.’
‘Jealousy? My foot! We’re here to prove we could overpower you in our sleep!’
‘I can certainly sense some jealousy.’ Discord extended his form, and then wrapped himself around the Joker. ‘But why would you be jealous of me? Why would you need to prove your superiority? Didn’t you save Equestria from the menace of Batman?’
Harley smiled. ‘Ooh, puddin’! You went to Ponyland?’
‘No!’ Mxy flew up to Harley. ‘It was just some dumb story he keeps telling the guys at Arkham.’
‘Um, Mxy,’ said Discord, freeing Joker. ‘You’re talking to a fictional character from a cartoon.’ Turning away from Mxyzptlk, Discord took a look at Harley Quinn. ‘Oh, look here,’ said Discord as he rubbed Harley’s cheek. ‘Has anyone ever told you what a beautiful creature you are?’
‘You get your hands off her!’ growled Joker, raising a finger into the air. ‘I don’t care if you are from my favourite show, no-one, but no-one, touches my Harley?’
‘Oh, don’t get mad, Joker. Here!’ With a click of his fingers, Discord created a glass of chocolate milk. ‘On the house!’
Joker snarled again but then his gluttony overpowered him and he guzzled down the chocolate milk, letting it spill down his pointed chin. ‘Ambrosia,’ was all he could say afterwards, as the rising lava in his gut subsided.
‘Oh, think you can bribe us, eh?’ cried Mxyzptlk, ‘Well, it won’t work! I’ve forgotten more about wreaking havoc than you’ll ever know!’
Discord chuckled. ‘Is that a challenge?’
‘What if it is?’
Discord suddenly disappeared, only to reappear seconds later. ‘I’ve just been about town, and this ‘Gotham’ is so boring. So, Mr. Mxyzptlk, let’s say we go about this place spreading our chaos. He who causes the most wins.’
‘You got it!’ said Mxyzptlk, shaking the lion claw of Discord. With that, the two disappeared.
‘That crumbum!’ The Joker snarled, jumping up and down. ‘He thinks he can usurp my position?’ From the ground, the Joker lifted a bazooka. ‘He’s got another think coming!’
Elsewhere, Two-Face leaned back on his easy chair, looking through the window at the city he so routinely terrorised. With his funds being what they were, he thought to himself that he should perhaps rob a bank. The thing was, he only robbed Second National Banks, and this new hideout was so far away from one of those. So should he bother?
Why not let the coin decide?
Once again, he took his lucky coin out of his pocket and flipped it into the air. As it spun upwards, however, it began to grow. When it almost filled the room, Two-Face tumbled out of the way as it landed with a splat. Shaking his head in bewilderment, Two-Face watched as a small man in a bowler hat floated on down.
‘Now wasn’t that just rude of me! Bet you’d like to kill me now, wouldn’t ya?’
Two-Face’s only response to this was to shake his fists and growl.
‘Oops, I forgot. You need to flip your coin for that! Well, I’d like to see you try!’ Mxy gestured at the giant coin as Two-Face began gibbering wildly. Just as Mxy was about to let loose a victorious laugh, Discord appeared.
‘Very good. But not enough.’ With that, Discord snapped his fingers, and all of a sudden, Two-Face split in half. Half of a Harvey Dent hopped around on one leg, while the scarred half did the same.
‘At least I’m free of my evil side,’ said Harvey, before falling to the ground.
‘And at least I can do what I’ve always wanted,’ replied Two-Face, hopping over to Harvey before hopping on Harvey.
‘Ah,’ said Discord, wiping away a tear. ‘The beauty of the darkness within men’s souls.’
‘Still think you’re hot stuff, eh?’ Mxyzptlk rolled up his sleeves.
‘Oh, Mxy, always so impulsive.’
‘Um,’ said Harvey, as Two-Face began kicking him about, ‘Little help here?’
‘Well, wait ‘til you see what I have planned for the Riddler!’ Mxyzptlk clasped his hands before he and the draconequus disappeared.
‘That stupid imp!’ Joker drove through the streets of Gotham, looking for any signs of magical disarray. ‘I know who I’m crossing off my Christmas card list.’
‘Mister Jay!’
‘Not now, Harley, I’m...’ Just then, Joker drove into a giant lump of taffy. ‘Oh.’ Getting out of the car, Joker looked at the giant confectionary, right before it turned into a glob of cotton candy. Above, there floated Mxyzptlk and Discord.
‘Taffy!’ yelled Mxy, changing the lump back.
‘Cotton candy!
‘Taffy!’
‘Cotton candy!’
‘Hey, look!’ said Mxy, pointing downwards. ‘Our old mate, the Joker!’ Floating down, he said, ‘How are ya? Like my roadblock?’
‘You mean that giant kltpzyxm?’
‘It’s taffy, not a k...did you just try to get rid of me?’
Joker placed his arms behind his back, looking upwards. ‘Maybe.’
‘Well, forget it, clown boy! This is no longer about you feeling sorry for yourself! This is where I prove my superiority!’ Just then, Mxy was hit by a bolt of lightning, and turned into a cabbage. ‘Very funny.’
‘Yes, it was, wasn’t it, Joker?’ said Discord, fluttering down. ‘You like laughter, don’t you? You enjoy making people chuckle.’
‘What’s it to you?’ The Joker placed his hands on his hips.
‘Well,’ said Discord, twiddling his fingers, ‘You ever wonder if people are laughing with you, or at you? I mean, come on! You’re a criminal that dresses like a clown! You expect people to take you seriously?’
‘Of course! Several people have a phobia of clowns, and to those who don’t, I am a corruption of an innocent symbol.’
‘Ah, yes, but you did lose the ‘naughty’ vote after all. People don’t see you as a threat anymore.’
‘That’s true...hey!’ The Joker pulled out an extendable boxing glove and with it, literally knocked Discord’s head off. ‘I’m the guy who tells the psychologically-scarring monologues around here!’
Picking up his head, Discord continued, ‘Is that so? Well, let’s see if that’s true?’ Pointing upwards, he turned Joker’s attention towards Batman swooping down from a building. However, his cape disappeared, sending him falling to the ground as a familiar squawky laugh echoed through the air.
‘Happy landings, Bat-Brain!’ said Mxyzptlk.
‘This is no longer your fight, Mxy!’ yelled the Joker, pointing at the imp. ‘This is between me and Discord!’
‘But you don’t have powers!’
‘It’s about who can psyche out the Bat better, you idiot! Now go back to your fifth dimension or wherever you come from!’
‘No way! I brought Discord here to prove I’m better, and I’m going to do just that! I won’t let you trick me into saying Kltpzyxm or...aw nuts.’ With that, Mxy disappeared.
‘Joker!’ snarled Batman, picking himself off of the ground, ‘What...is that thing you’re with?’
‘I see we haven’t been introduced yet,’ said Discord, approaching Batman, ‘I’m Discord, embodiment of chaos, and you must be Batman, dark defender of the night.’ He brought his goat-like face closer to Batman’s eyes. ‘Fighting crime so no-one else’s parents are shot down.’ With a click of his fingers, Discord teleported himself, Batman and the Joker into an alleyway, where the stench of rotting garbage and rodent faeces complemented what lay within.
A man and a woman, lying dead.
‘No.’
‘Just think, Batman. You chose to honour your parents by wearing that ridiculous costume and pummelling idiots like the Joker there.’ As Discord spoke, the two bodies in the alleyway rose. ‘Do you really think that’s what they wanted from you? Do you think they’d be proud?’ The two corpses walked down the alleyway, rotting away, their eyes pale.
‘You failed us son,’ they said softly, ‘You failed us.’
Just then, they were punched by Batman.
‘Oh please,’ said Batman. ‘You really think that old crap’s going to work?’
‘Oh very well, then let’s just cut to the chase.’ Discord reached out to touch Batman, only for Batman to break Discord’s fingers. As soon as he did, the three were teleported back to the road, which was now filled with an array of beeping cars. ‘This won’t work, Bats. I’m the stone you can’t get blood from!’
‘Oh really?’ said the Joker, grinning, ‘Then why did you just get owned by Batman there?’
‘I seem to recall you getting “owned” by him countless times.’
‘Yeah, but I’m not a god, am I? And I also didn’t get owned by a bunch of twenty-somethings without fingers or a sparkly pony princess I couldn’t get a date with!’
‘Oh, I see what you’re trying to do...’
‘Oh, do you? Like you could see that Twilight had gotten her friends cured? You see, Pufinstuf, it takes genius and a brutal beating to defeat me, it certainly takes more than just a few letters!’
‘Stop that!’
Joker’s grin turned wider. ‘Did I mention that you don’t wash your hands before meals?’
Discord buried his face in his mismatched hands, right before turning into a statue.
Superman flew down to meet Joker, Harley and Batman. ‘Turns out I have Elements of Harmony Vision too, who knew. Now, Joker and Harley, time to go back to Arkham.’
‘Hey!’ snarled Batman, ‘I’m the one who takes them to Arkham, not you!’
‘I can get them there quicker!’
‘Oh sure! Ooh, look at me, I have every power under the sun! That makes me special!’
As the two heroes argued, Joker and Harley began to creep away. ‘Let us never speak of My Little Pony again,’ said the Joker to Harley.
‘Least you got yer confidence back, eh, Mister Jay?’
‘Well, if that’s going to happen when I have second thoughts, I should stay egotistical!’
As they crept away, they saw the half-Harvey hopping down the streets in terror, as his other half bounced about wielding a baseball bat over his half-head. ‘Remember last June? We had Batman right where we wanted him! But nooo, the coin came up good!’
‘Yeah,’ said Harley, ‘Let’s not talk about this.’
Later, at the Fifth Dimension, Mxyzptlk paced about his bedroom. ‘Mwar! Stupid bronies! Stupid Joker! I don’t even know why I bother sometimes!’
Just then, he heard his wife giggle in the other room. ‘Gspy?’ Running out of his bedroom, he saw none other than Discord on his couch, arm around Gsptlyznz.
‘Oh, Discord!’
‘Hey!’ Mxyzptlk put his hands on his hips and narrowed his eyes. ‘What the heck is this!’
‘Funny thing, Mxy,’ said Discord, ‘Being turned into a statue only makes me inactive in the universe I was turned in. While I may be unable to spruce up Gotham, I can still spend some time with Gspy here.’
‘Oh great!’ Mxyzptlk folded his arms. ‘What next?
‘Hi!’ came a voice from inside Mxy’s bedroom, and seconds later, a pink pony popped out. ‘How about a party?’
